The Bald and the Beautiful with Trixie and Katya - Peri-Care for Your Derrière with Trixie and Katya

Episode Date: December 5, 2023

As part of our ongoing Public Service Announcement Series here at Bald, LLC, this week we'd like to focus on proper perineal care. If you didn't already know, managing the cleanliness of your bottom is a vital part of everyone's daily hygiene regimen. As one posterior hygienist told us during a recent cleaning, you should recite the following several times a day to the beat of your favorite 90's hip-hop song: Always Wipe Front to Back, Wet Wipes are a Perfect Hack, Cotton Breathes For Your Sack, Trim and Neat is All That! Start all your shopping trips at https://Rakuten.com or get the Rakuten app to start saving today! Your Cash Back really adds up! New to Etsy? Use the code HOLIDAY10 for ten percent off your first purchase at https://Etsy.com That’s code HOLIDAY10. Maximum discount value of fifty dollars. Expires December 31st, 2023. See terms at https://Etsy.com/terms Get 20% off sitewide and up to 40% off with bundle deals during Buffy’s Holiday Sale at https://www.buffy.co with code BEAUTIFUL. Thank you to Buffy for supporting the podcast! Whether your aiming for friends, fun or to find the one – be an Archer and always hit your mark! Download and try the new Archer dating app today! Go to: https://get.archerapp.com/k263/TBATB Pure For Men is the brand for good health and good times! Made by gay men for members of the LGBTQIA+ community. Get 20% OFF with promo code: BALD20. Head to: https://puremen.co/baldandbeautiful Follow Trixie: @TrixieMattel Follow Katya: @Katya_Zamo To watch the podcast on YouTube: http://bit.ly/TrixieKatyaYT Don’t forget to follow the podcast for free wherever you're listening or by using this link: http://bit.ly/baldandthebeautifulpodcast If you want to support the show, and get all the episodes ad-free go to: https://thebaldandthebeautiful.supercast.com If you like the show, telling a friend about it would be amazing! You can text, email, Tweet, or send this link to a friend: http://bit.ly/baldandthebeautifulpodcast To check out future Live Podcast Shows, go to: https://trixieandkatya.com To order your copy of our book, "Working Girls", go to: workinggirlsbook.com To check out the Trixie Motel in Palm Springs, CA: https://www.trixiemotel.com Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Sprays out of my bum bum and gets you brown in your face. Oh, you smell like my poopy. Do people in New York like that song? Or do they feel like, yeah? Or are they like, no? Do people in, mom, that's a fact. Like when New York, New York like that song? Or do they feel like, yeah? Or are they like, no? Do people in, mom, that's a fact. Like when New York, New York applies, are New York people like, well, that's, that's, that's, that's like Lhasa, Lhasa, Frank, Frank, Lhasa. But like when Katy Perry did California Girls, I didn't live in California.

If you lived in California that year, were you like, yes, that's music for Iowa, Idaho, Indiana, Nebraska, Oklahoma. That's music for Iowa, Idaho, Indiana, Nebraska. What about like the OC? California, California. Oh, God. Here we go. What about, what about, what about. Music makes you lose control.

It's for the ladies. I won this. That's what it was. To the ladies. I won this. Oh, it's for the ladies. I want this. That's what it was. To the ladies. I want this. Oh, that's what it was. Tell me, ladies. I like the way you work.

Hookah, hookah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. For the fellas. Yeah, yeah, that's what. Ow! Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, daddy. I have some great.

I have some great. Kitty cat. Meow, meow, meow, meow, meow. Coming with the beat like boom, boom, pow. She loves to just go- Oh, daddy! Brand new style, got a brand new style. Coming with a bang like boom, boom, pow.

Ow! When I walk up in this piece, y'all motherfuckers ain't got to speak. I'm a bad mamma jamma, goddammit, motherfucker. You ain't got it like me. Thank you. Step to me, get burnt like toast. Honey. Come on the pod. How about this one, though? Busted open, spread these lips. Watch me ske. Get burnt like toast. Honey. Come on the pot.

How about this one though? I'm busted open. Spread these lips. Watch me. Skeet all on that dick. Acrobatics. Watch me flip side to side. I'm the shit.

Was that we did last night? I'm like that silly rabbit. Coco Brown. That bitch do tricks. Like I said before, you already know. I prefer you to fuck my face before my pussy hole. Was that last night?

That was last night. David Silver and I were sitting at Orville's table. Yeah. We're getting the carpet for the horse, but I have to tell you David's face watching you. Yeah.

Well, when I come out, I say, bend me over, grab my waist, arch my back, and fuck my face. Fuck my face, grab my waist, flip my ass over.

How good does it taste? He started telling me he loved me like I give a fuck. Now stick your finger in my butt and make this pussy nut. Make this pussy nut. Do a lot of women want to finger up their butt? I don't know.

I don't think so. I don't know. I truly don't know. But the rap girls love to say that they eat the man's ass. Nope. They say eat this ass like a plum. No, they talk about eating the man's ass too. They certainly don't.

Once in a while you get a female celebrity who's like, if you don't eat your man's ass, and then it goes viral for like 12 hours. Then you won't get giardia. Like if you don't eat your man's ass and then it goes viral for like 12 hours. Then you won't get giardia. Like if you don't eat your man's ass, then you won't get giardia. Because that bushwhacked, unwashed piece of shit ass ain't edible. Straight guy's asses. Okay. It looks like an unfrosted Pop-Tart down there.

If you're a straight transamorous man in Boston, South Boston to be exact, mama, you could eat sushi din-din off that ass three, four, five courses all throughout the night because it's douched, shaved, scrubbed, and presented. Yeah. Yeah. Anyways. Am I experienced with straight guys? That's too much of a blanket statement. It's too much of a blanket statement.

We're generalizing too much. We got to be more specific because gay guys. I'm not hooking up with straight guys. Gay guys don't wash Their ass no more They certainly don't Go to hot dogs Wow The gay guys

Now are like I got an eight day nut And I'm ripe Through a thicket of pubes And I'm ripe Through a thicket of pubes Like you're Like evil dead

Yeah girl Like when she guts In the thicket And the thing goes up Yes That's evil dead And they're talking about Here's my dossier Of workouts I've done since my last shower.

Yes. It's the bragging rights of mama. I've got Pecorino cheese. Pecorino. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I've got,

I've got Peccadillo, Pecorini, a Mandarino, Di Amalfi, nasty, nasty, Buburella. And also it looks like it was snatched from the Smithsonian

These jockstraps Snatched from King Tutankhamen's sarcophagus And there's an unfair It looks like it was tea stained for a mummy costume Tea stained sweetie Well It was shit stained in Tea stained

And crystallized The problem is too I feel like people are unfair About uncircumcised dicks being unclean. There's a lot of disgusting circumcised dicks. Tell it again for the people in the back. That's like when people are like, you have a, the idea that tops have big dicks and bottoms bottom because they don't. Because they have teeny little penis. That is not fucking true. Mama, there's a lot of untruths that we're going to Indiana Jones uncover in this episode of

the pod today. So get out your notepads and your little scribble pens and put your earbuds in. Yes. We finally have something to talk about because yesterday you did a performance at the plaza for Apocalypse. Apocalypse, which this is a fabulous t-shirt designed by Abel Macias, who's an incredible successful artist who, yes,

I do want to fuck. Thank you. I'll just say that out loud. I want to fuck that man. He's booed up right now. It's okay. I'll wait. And,

um, so, uh, he's lovely guy. I'll wait. I'll set your house with a knife. Two knives. I'll wait at your man's house.

But I cut the break line. I'll wait for the blood, for the dog transfusion blood to go in your body. I'll wait to the blood, for the dog transfusion blood to go in his body. I'll wait to take the batteries out of the carbon monoxide detector. Why did I make him soozy? I'll take the batteries out of this carbon monoxide. And I will put a hose from my exhaust pipe into his

mouth and I'll wait all night long because I've got the time because I have a 401k. I'll tell you what girlfriend, I want to be your girlfriend so I'm going to take out your booze. Now that's a good investment. Now that's a good investment. Now that is a good investment. You know, when Susie wants you, she comes for that ass. You know, Susie. She's taking that ass down to Fiorucci Boulevard and selling it.

I'm still listening to the Women in Money podcast with her and KT. And it starts with the Sia song, I'm unstoppable oh god every week and so now now that's by the way that song plays everywhere and i always now think of that podcast but there would be a better song how about money makes the world go around that would be better yeah i suppose a mark a yana buck or a pound come on suzy get it together my name makes the world go around yes candor Candor and Ed. Rat-a-tat, rat-a-tat at the window. Who's there? Ooh, hunger. Ooh, hunger.

My experience with your show started yesterday when you stopped by my house. Okay. So I employed the services of a very talented DJ, Patty. Miss Patty. Brought that for you. Oh, I thought you were doing cheers. I thought Brandon gave it to me. I said, is that for me?

He said, that's for your little friend. Oh, my. Oh, thank you, Brandon Tina. Oh, not Brandon Tina. Well, that's his Christian name. Hey, you better too. Brandon brought that. Brandon said, that's for your little friend.

That's so nice of him. So anyways, I'm trying not to do what I did last time, which is spike my caffeine level so high that I go home, have a headache and then have a nervous breakdown around 5 PM. It is, it's a dangerous game. Caffeine is definitely a drug. Well, because it absolutely is a drug. And also that is a lot of fucking sugar, bitch. Well, I also

grabbed the sugar-free. Full fat. Oh, yeah, in the UK. Would you like a full fat Coke, babes? A full fat Coke? I don't know. There's a pot roast in my mouth. I can't tell you. But also being full sugar doesn't mean full fat Coke? I don't know. There's a pot roast in my mouth. I can't tell you. But also, being full sugar doesn't mean full fat. Fat and sugar are not the same thing.

Well, the sugar converts to fat. That's my scientist voice. But sugar isn't automatically fat. But it gets there. Sometimes. Transforms into it on Saturday. These are a little intense. Yeah, yeah.

It's a lot. We don't need this rocket fuel yet. Anyways, but the point is I went home from the show, got a lovely night's sleep. I had a fabulous massage and I feel great. We got to go back to the show though. I'm going. So I decided to do a lip synca style, an homage to lip synca because my favorite drag number of all time is on YouTube. Lip synca 1995 at the Boy Bar in NYC.

It's the Barbara, please. Starts out with the Lauren Bacall. I feel great. You know, it's like I feel bombastic and simply fantastic, but alive, but alive, but alive. And then it goes telephone. Oh, there's somebody on the telephone. And it goes, hello, dear. We say nothing. Heidi, how? And like, Barbara, please, please, Barbara. You know, is this the one where she's like, she's on the telephone. She has a whole bunch. This woman is the, she's so like, she basically invented the mashup lip

sync. No, she's the most impressive, best, most virtuosic lip syncer in the world. Yeah, it's amazing. Period. She was on Joan Rivers. And Drag Queen's lip syncing to mixes wasn't exactly popularized until she did what she did with it. Her shows ran like a 60-minute show. She shitted on them. This number is about 12 minutes long.

She comes out and shits on them. She's like, how do I look? And she looks fabulous. Yeah. Beautiful. But she says one thing, she's like, Mrs. Whitney Ames and her debutante daughters, Susan and Lydia wowed the fashion scene in originals

by the Atelier of Dallion and his new and talented associate Ray. See, I can't even do it. Like she says it's just so perfect. You did a great job. You know, I turned to Dave when we left. I rehearsed. I said, I don't get to see Katya perform very often. And when I do, it's something I. I rehearsed. I said, I don't get to see Katya perform very often. And when I do, it's something I've seen rehearsed.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I was like, she really has a good lipstick. I called Andrew this morning and said, Katya's a good performer. I practiced it. I hate to say it. And she said to me, she's like, I've worked for you for two years. I've never seen you excited to work. Every time you work, I'm there picking up your shit your

sweat stained panties and and hearing you bitch and moan and cry i've never seen you be excited and i was truly on top of the world last night it was fun it was a very schizo brennic yeah energy the mix yeah but you knew it like the back of your hand which well doing a brand new mix is hard well so i patty made the mix it was six and a your hand, which doing a brand new mix is hard. Well, so Patty made the mix. It was six and a half minutes long, very complicated. A lot of picking up a lot of sound effect cues. And you got to know them like. Mama.

You got to know them like. If you don't slam the phone down, what's the point? So I'm going to review the footage. I'm sure it wasn't perfect, but we had a lot of irregular. It was very complicated. So I had to go into Miss GarageBand. I had to get out the the the porn the exiled computer from the porn cleanse fire her up but don't worry she got all that free gigabyte space i downloaded miss garage band miss banda de garaje and then um it's not it that's not

it no but you know and um so and we went in there like um you know like fucking um spelunking into that little music and we came up with this fun mix with Lawrence of Mylania and most importantly, Lourdes Leon. The hardest thing about making those mixes is because I have made them in my life. When does it come in? When does the cue? What's the order? You have to be able to say it. I would say the harder thing is finding the clip, finding it a high enough quality.

Yes. Downloading it and trying not to let the viruses kill your computer. It's really hard to steal audio clips from YouTube to MT3. I don't fuck with her. I own it. Well, I don't steal the songs, but I will steal a clip from a TV show or something. I screen record. Oh, that's how you do it.

This is how you do it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You screen record. Because you don't have to download anything. No downloading. I have never thought of that Unfortunately I happen to Own Sex and the City 2 Lawrence of Mylabia Thank you very much

And I You know The Exorcist HBO Max Because then you could Like at the airport Quick spend an hour Collecting all the clips you need And then when you get

To your computer You have them And you came to my rescue Because I wanted this Gaggy moment of the You know the The cameo At the end with the

That nasty stab sound Which I will be playing right at this moment. Yeah. It is disgusting. For my EDM stuff, I use Splice, which is like a big bank of all kinds of drum beats and shit. But they also have cinematic sound effects. And I was like, I bet there's a knife one. And the knife stab we found.

Get into this. Listeners was. And Jane Krakowski's coming up. That was terrible. I'm going to be constructive here. You should kill yourself. And just like that. Miss Big died.

It was a great mix. You did a great. You should love that. You did a great, you should. I love it. You know what else is great? It's not Halloween-y. You can now use that mix. Well, yeah, I don't need to, I could just give her the stab.

But also there's a whole nother version with, there's a whole nother version with all the rest of the song cabaret. It's six and a half minutes. It was tons of like picking up, throwing down. So I got another longer version. Yeah. And we put an old man river at the last minute because previously there was, It was tons of like picking up, throwing down. So I got another longer version. Yeah. Yeah. We put an old man river at the last minute because previously there was,

do you hear the people sing? Kevin Zeta-Jones. The grittiness of life. Like literally zero people would have got that. And they'd be like, you know. It's a new day. How can you make the most of it with your membership rewards points? Earn points on everyday purchases. Use them for that long-awaited vacation.

You can earn points almost anywhere, and they never expire. Treat your friends or spoil your family. Earn them on your adventure and use them how you want, when you want. That's the powerful backing of American Express. Learn more at amex.ca slash yamxtermsapply. I loved it. I had a great time. I did it well and I rehearsed it ad nauseum. You knew it like you really knew it.

Well, I loved it. That was the key. Which is very impressive that you knew it. I couldn't wait to do it. I knew the song Cabaret. I've known that for years. So that was an easy one. Coco Brown I knew for years.

All the clips I knew. Lourdes was the tough one because I was like, I fucking love it. It was just so funny at the end when she's like, and as for me, I fucking love it. And as for me, everything's great. I made my mind up back in Chelsea. I love it. It's just so funny and stupid. I had the second hand like of watching the euphoria of being a drag queen and actually lifting your finger for once and having it pay off. Like, oh, my God.

Drag queens notoriously want to do so little. They don't even want to learn their own music. And they want like a thunderous ovation. Yeah. A thunderous ovation. But when you actually learned it, Andy went first. I was like,

oh, there's something magical to applying yourself in drag. I want to try something. And if I'll try it once, if it doesn't work out, we'll just skip it. But I want to try to do that spoken word lip sync that I spent so long on years and years ago.

I want to try to rap it live. Can I do it? Yeah, sure. Okay. To be a survivor in this amazing race, with a need for speed, you need God's grace. And if you're desperate like housewives

watching Days of Our Lives, you can't cope without hope, and that's not on a soap. If you're looking for Oprah or Dr. Phil, you can shop nonstop or pop a pill, but the void won't fill and the pain won't kill until you love the one that hung in the hill. Kicking back in your lazy boy easy chair watching Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?

Nah, you're not going to find it there. No American idol or council tribal has a final answer that'll satisfy you. CSI ain't got a clue. SVU don't know what to do. Not the ER, the OC, nothing on a CD, TV, DVD, or MP3 can save you and me. CNN's got no good news. Here's a headline. You must choose. It's not a simple life, Paris Hilton. It's try not the nice living in sin. You're going to be an apprentice for Donald Trump or eat Fear Factor fast food from a dump. You can be a heavy hitter, a wheel of fortune winner, a Fox News no-spin spinner, or a flat-out sinner. But you better check this life that you live in and make sure your sins are forgiven. I bet you 50 cent Elvis Don came and went. Eventually every black

eyed pea, Gwen Stefani, P. Diddy, and Britney, every wannabe on MTV with their assy bling, every Dixie chick that sings, they all going to see the King of Kings. I don't care if you're J-Lo or Leno or Bono. One thing you got to know, someday you're die, bro. Then where are you gonna go? Hey, I'm not talking some punk junk that's irrelevant like your grandma's church from way back when. It's not some preacher feature on TBN that you need to be liking or listening. The real superstar is Jesus Christ. He's the way, he's the truth, and the life. One day he's gonna split the sky. He's the brightest light and the highest high. So what I came to say and what I'm telling you is don't buy that stupid stuff that they be selling you. It's all designed to fill your head and waste your space until you're dead.

Here's the bottom line of my rhyme. Give your life to God while there's still time. I did it. I did it. Ooh, they're right. No, the way. Tomorrow low. I remember that.

Yeah. But you, like, how do I know that I know the song? Can you say the song? Can you say the song? Can you say it? You need to know it without the music. Exactly. Then you can play with it. Otherwise you don the song? Can you say the song? You need to know it without the music. Exactly. Then you can play with it.

Otherwise you don't know it. Then you can perform it. If you're thinking about a song, girl, your performance ain't boo-boo. It's boo-boo. That's like now when I, when I get an acting thing,

unless it's cartoons, I do not do it unless I know that I'm going to learn it inside out. Because if I can't play with it, then it's not going to be fun. I've never, I've never been able to do that because I'm such an asshole. I'm so lazy and I'm not a good actor, but I, I, I want that. This is what I want. I want that. Well, even for voice stuff, I'm on a cartoon right now and they, you, you have to prepare

it to the point where you can, you, you have several options. You've done the this way, that way, this way, this way. I can do it like this. Yeah. Because in cartoons we all record separately. Yeah. so you don't know how the other person's gonna say it yeah they need options I was on an audition call with a with a with a director a while ago and he was like um it was I was so embarrassed he was like um so it's for a Russian thing I was like it's like it's in English. And I was going on for like three, four minutes. It was supposed to be in Russian?

No, no, no. It was not supposed to be in Russian. But why were you making it Russian? It was a Russian accent. And I just like, I was, I thought I was being so cunty. And I was like, And I was like, he was like, and I would just talk over him, talk over him. And he's like, actually, there's no Russian language in this part.

Was it written? Yeah. In English. Yeah. But he was, I was auditioning for it. So you thought you were really going to drop. I thought you were going to let them know. I thought it was dropping bars like Chet Hanks.

Yeah. Bombo clad. You know what I mean? I was like, every other girl is gonna come in here was it for a crossdresser they were gonna be like how are you i'm from russia you know like can't regulate no it's just that's something that never one time i got something i didn't get it i auditioned for a sitcom that a new agey friend and they were like you're the only drag queen we're auditioning and i was like that's not that doesn't bode well. Oh, like a crystal healer kind of thing?

They were all doing all real girls. And then I was the wild card audition. They were like, you're the only person who's not a woman that we're considering. Did you get it? Of course not. Oh, okay. What did you do? I was thinking to myself, this is a world where everyone in it's a normal person.

And I'm going to be in drag. And we're all just going to, I wouldn't believe that. I wouldn't believe that. I wouldn't believe that. Well, not with your makeup. No. Not with anyone's makeup. No, but Dave Foley, Cola Scola.

Yeah. I believe Chassie Tucker's a woman. I believe Cole's a woman. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Amy Sedaris. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Or Dave Foley and the kids in the hall.

Yes. Some of the, even the guys in the state, they're like, that's a woman. You put on a wig and that's a girl. And that's good enough for me.

Mama, it's, I preferred that. No lashes. No lashes. No lashes. Something I love about Reader 911 is oftentimes one of the actors, if they're not in the scene, they will play the perpetrator. Oh, yeah. And they'll blur out their face. Oh, I love that.

And a lot of times they'll grab like a guy and put him in a wig and make him a woman. I love that. And you can kind of tell if you like the show like, oh, that must be so and so. I wish we had the faces where we could pull that off. But Mary, we have nothing like that. Nothing of the sort. Do you know how bad I wish I looked like Colas Colo where I just put on a lash and a lip and I look like a beautiful woman? Just mascara.

I know. No lash. He puts on rouge. He's got a beautiful skin. He probably does a BB cream, rouge, and then a little lip gloss and a little wiglet. And he's like, hi, Amy. How are you? I've got more fallopian tubes than you'll ever

have i know it's like it's crazy what people it's like how did you come up with this makeup and i go i had to if i wanted to do drag yeah i couldn't exactly just look for the best lighting how did raytheon develop those bombs it was a wartime necessity. Okay. Necessity. So the show last night was at Plaza, which is, I'm just going to say it. 739 La Brea.

Lovely place. Lovely place. Couldn't get a drink if you're a... It is so hard to get a drink. Bring BYOB. I know you can't, And I'm not drinking,

so I'm trying to keep... You were there. I sit down, I cross my legs and David's finished the tequila soda. So I got to get him another one. I got him one too. I'm at the... Yes. He turned to me. He said, can you tell and David's finished the tequila soda. So I got to get him another one. I got him one too.

I'm at the, yes. He turned to me. He said, can you tell her to get me a tequila soda? I said, we're at her show. No, I got pull. I got pull. I got pull. So I get him his little drink.

And then I keep having to go get my drinks. And Roger was there dressed as olive oil looking perfect. Oh, I didn't get that. I thought she was just beautiful. No, she was olive oil. She said that she told a Gen Z kid that she was olive oil and they were like, like the bottle,

like the food. I said, do they think that you were going to dress as a condiment? Like a cooking tool? Like a vinaigrette costume couple?

Yeah. What are you doing? She looked great. I said, are you working? Balsamic's in the bathroom. She said, no,

I just, I made this outfit and I wanted to go out on Halloween. Don't you love that? Mary, she's come. She looked so beautiful.

I saw, she did a little tour, an 80s style tour of her studio. Mama, the way I will rob that whore. If she dies tomorrow, I hope she does. She's nice and tall too. Thank you. Roomie through the hips. I'm going to, yeah, I'm going to like rob that whore. Cause she's got, she has such a refined, beautiful sense of style and also frugal, creative.

She will take a pair of fucking boots of style and also frugal, creative. She will take a pair of fucking boots from Kohl's and turn them – and Dolce & Gabbana would wish. Oh, I know. Would wish. They would wish. Her makeup artistry – I used to work in P-Town with her. She's 85 years old and she looks like my daughter. I know. She looks like my adopted daughter.

She sat – It's crazy. Across from me, two vanities across from each other, and I would be getting ready at the same time as her sometimes. And 20 minutes for her to completely do her makeup. She would do this glitter. I mean, she really, you can't fuck with that face. You can't touch it. Both the face and the makeup on it.

You can't touch it. No, you can't touch it. Cause she'll slap you. She's Gemini. Two face bitch. Raja Gemini. Raja the Gemini. Roger.

Roger. Roger. Love to call her Roger. Roger, capital R. Who. Raja Gemini. Raja the Gemini. Sutan. Roger. Roger. Roger. Love to call her Roger. Roger, capital R. Who framed Raja Rabbit? Who framed Raja Rabbit? Who?

Who? Who? I got an owl in my backyard that literally is a cartoon and it goes, hoot. It goes H-O-O-T. Hoots. She said, hoots. She said, hoot. I'm H-O-O-T. Hoots. She said, hoots. She said, hoot. I'm up here.

Like, it's so, I'm like, mama, this is Looney Tunes up in there. It's Looney Tunes. Your backyard is beautiful. It's hoot. It's giving hoot to hoot. No, but when you get this, ooh. Your backyard's a little scary. Is it an animal or is it a, is that twirling up in there stuck in the thickets?

No, it's owls. I love birds. Owls are a little scary. They're a little literal. Even in nature shows, they're just like, you're the camera and I'm the owl. They're literally, do you know what she did?

Your cunting daughter. Yes, yes. They're kind. I watched a lot. We just wrapped Halloween. It's November 1st as we film this we watched a lot of Halloween shit this year

and I made you watch the most scandalous episode or section of The Exorcist while we did the mix at your house in your gorgeous fucking television oh my god

it was suicide watch when I got home again oh I know David has the nerve to lay in front of an 85 inch television and be like it should have been

an inch higher and also say I don't know the movie just kind of had a slow start I was like I would watch I would watch literally I would watch It should have been an inch higher. And also say, I don't know, the movie just kind of had a slow start. I would watch paint dry on that fucking beautiful thing.

85-inch television, you better believe when I play my PlayStation on it, I pull my chair right up to it. David told me this isn't a PlayStation TV. Hard dick looks like Venom from the superhero Venom dick just coming out, splitting in two. Bright purple. Bright purple dick. Did you see that meme about all those different superhero dicks? Which one you take in? And the girl was like,

honey, carnage in the mouth. Super Venom in the pussy and the ass. This one between the titties. Alternating between the titties and the pussy and the other ones in my hands. Bloop. Will you take... Will I take your son to the library? Will you suck someone's dick after it's been in an ass?

I have many times I've sucked Will you pull the dick out of an ass and then suck it? It's happened to me Because mama I know I know what's going on downtown Downtown I know what's going on downtown

And I've also done This is kind of gross but I'm so horny right now. I had a double orgasm after the massage by myself. I forgot to lead with that. Let's take a break. Now, what's a double orgasm? Let me tell you. I'm so glad you asked. It's a double orgasm? Let me tell you.

I'm so glad you asked. It's a multiple orgasm, but there's only two. So I was, because I have been no porn, mama. Is it an ingasm? I read about this in Men's Health. Okay. No, no, she's out. It's out.com. It's out.

She's out at night, Pride edition. Out of the park. Yeah, out festival. What is it? We got to get booked at Out in the Park. Mama, it's happening. I already talked to the organizer. We got to get booked at Out in the Park. Mama. night pride edition you know out of the park out yeah um out festival what is it we gotta get booked it out in the park mama it's happening i already talked to the organizer we gotta get booked it out in the park mama out in the park or out the out loud festival no i have two goals for us one is for us to get booked to be at six flags for out in the park out of the mountain on the

mountain yes mama mama mama mama mama no no no no no no let me wind it back real quick because out on the mountain is a magical night for the consumer, the consumer, not the performer. Cause then you could not experience the, the, the majesty of X2 with lashes and a wig on. No baby. Sweetie. We host for a couple hours and we're done and on a rollercoaster by nine. Okay.

Now we're talking. We don't have to work the whole night. Now we're talking. We don't have to work the whole night. But I don't think they want you to go on till 1am. Oh, sweet. How about, how about they don't usually let it but we could get them to do gopros on the forehead yes mama because i cry i cry i cried on x2 twice i was like it's so beautiful it's so beautiful superman like that do you think you're on the notebook mama no no no i'm

not on the notebook i'm on the i'm on i I'm on like the bridge to Terabithia. Sure. I'm like going, it's a hyperspace bitch. You lose yourself. Ooh, it's like Diplo at the DJ set. Bloop, bloop, bloop. But wait, wait, I had a double orgasm. So I was yanking it.

Sorry, ladies. And I'm, I was like, you know, and then I was, I was having an orgasm and it was, I was like, no porn, just imagination. See, see, um, just not that she was watching just the Spanish. Why did she, how come nobody else in the room could speak Spanish? You look right at the brown person because Tracy, but why do you keep looking at her forever? It's not her job to educate you. But why do you keep looking at her forever? It's not her job to educate you. Well, actually her job description just changed.

It's not her job to do the labor of educating you. She's doing the labor. I'm doing the work. What are you doing? So I began to ejaculate. Let's keep it kosher. So I began to ejaculate. I was like, this is kind of a mid orgasm. I'm cool with it.

So we're... She's giving mid. She's giving mid. She's not eating. She's not eating. So this is kind of giving mid. It's like kind of mid. But I'm here for it because it's like, whatever. What do I expect? I'm not looking at porn. I'm not on drugs. You know what I mean? So what do I expect? It's a learning curve. It's brown rice and vegetables.

Do you like brown rice and vegetables? Worse than dog food. But this was not a dog food orgasm. It was like lean cuisine. We're doing lean cuisine. Okay. We weren't doing green chef. We weren't doing. Lean cuisine, which is about a third of a cup of food.

Right. I think I measured. It is edible. It is edible. The ravioli one, I'm not kidding, has four ravioli. Sweetie, darling. And in three of them, suspicious activity inside. Four ravioli. Suspicious. If. And in three of them, suspicious activity inside. Four raviolis.

Suspicious. If you see something, don't eat something. Alien cuisine. Does it defeat the purpose of having three in one sitting? Well, I would say this is the Trader Joe's

frozen tikka masala of an orgasm. It's edible. It's not preferable. I'll take it. Yeah. So then, but then we went,

oh girl, then we went right to Erewhon or whatever to the prepared food place or we went to, you know. You came twice in the same city? So I was, I came, I was coming, I was coming.

And then I was like, oh, it's over. I was like, oh, no, no, no, no, no. It was like when the coaster comes from behind, but there's no brakes. Oh, she bumped it right back up. And it was twice, twice the fun for double the pleasure. Like double mint gum. I was like, whoa. I didn't say that, but it was like, then it was doing all that stuff.

Love that. I love it. I love it. You know what happens? But it was crazy. It never happened to me before. This happened to me recently. And you know who I'm talking about?

Where I'm unsuspectingly looking at porn Twitters and I accidentally see not only someone we know, someone I might not want to see, but don't tell me. Hey, you better chill. I'm not going to say who it is. You better lay low.

Okay. But when you see a friend of yours, one of the girls, you go, oh shit. Like that just like derailed my, my dick collapses into itself. And I look down and there's a clip. But my dick just disappears. Dr. Sysmore's like, wonderful work. Who does it? Yeah.

I'm into the porn. I'm into the porn. And then I see a friend and my dick, my dick grabs her car keys and skids out of the driveway. You got orange robes on because you're living in a monastery. You've taken the vow of celibacy. Not robes, orange. I'm in jail.

It's a jumpsuit. I'm in a Filipino prison. Doing the thriller. Doing thriller, bitch. Doing thriller. I watched a little documentary on the dancing prison. We can't talk about prison.

We got to keep it light. We got to keep it light. Is prison not light? Because I watched, prison. Let's, we can't talk about prison. We got to keep it light. Okay. Keep it light. Um, because that is prison, not light. Cause I watched, have you ever watched, um, inside the world's most dangerous prisons?

Oh, if it's Russian, I can't. Oh, well, I watched that. I'll say this about prison. It's torture.

It's shocking how different they are. Country to Sweden, Denmark, PlayStation, Sweden. That's not even, that's the four seasons, Minnesota.

The four seasons. Yeah. Also they got, they got, do you want to learn Denmark? Do you want to learn's not even, that's the Four Seasons, Minnesota. The Four Seasons, yes. Four Seasons. Also, they got, do you want to learn? Denmark? Do you want to learn Dutch? Do you want to learn Japanese? I went to prison. What'd you do there?

I got my PhD. Yeah, I got my PhD in electrical engineering. Do you need any rewiring done in your summer cottage? Yeah. Bloop. 100%. It's crazy. Well, they have human rights things.

They have like respected dignity for human rights. They also have a very responsible, you know, all the bikes there. But also a small homogeneous population. Denmark. And Sweden. Hands down. Denmark and Amsterdam. Like Sweden.

Two of the most beautiful places I've ever seen. Mama, they're weathering. Their weather's booboo though. But no littering. Everyone's nice. Everyone's riding a bike. It's the size of Massachusetts. Let's be real though.

Do you know what I mean? That's a manageable. Do you think America's too big? Do you think that's the problem? Of course it is. Everyone's riding a bike. It's the size of Massachusetts, let's be real though. Do you know what I mean? That's a manageable Do you think America's too big? Do you think that's the problem? Of course it is. It's way too big. She should be cut up into thirds. One should be sunk in the ocean. I won't say which one, but you know who you are. And then, you know, Wisconsin. It's not an all-in-one place, but select little states could

maybe just exit the chat for a moment. Maybe rethink their choices and come back when they've regrouped. I know I'm talking about, but you know what though? You don't, I wish, but, and we used to be like,

Oh, we would never want that. I wish, I wish you want to secede from the union states, states, right? Donna Karen are so different in America. I know.

It's that I wish we could just like cut it in fourths. And it's like, all right, if you're a hardcore Christian and that's what you want, go over here. Go, you know what I mean? You say the Indian ocean actually was built on a bed of strawberries. If you go down to the bottom, you can still smell it. Right. Yes. And then like, if you are.

And there's condos down there. Yeah. Try it. If you're a fag baby who believes in the devil, go up here. New York. Right. And then like, but instead it's just, it's allos down there. Try it. If you're a fag baby who believes in the devil, go up here. New York! Right. But instead, it's just, it's all free for all. I know.

It's a cross stitch. I think what we really went wrong, of course, let's say a foundation of slavery, genocide, all that. The country's starting with stealing land, murdering. Murdering, theft, kidnapping, genocide, slavery. Rape. Thank you. But also, mama, where were the, another R word that we really sorely missed,

the railways. The railroad. Why don't we have effective train travel in this fucking country? Mama, Japan, bullet train. Europe. Channel. Touring Europe.

Channel. Another channel. No, train. Touring the UK. Another train. It's actually nicer via train. Mama, you don't have to go through security. Security.

Airports in the UK. Security? Airports in the UK are a performance. It's like a community production of I want to eat my own feces. Girl, meanwhile, the train situation. Show up to your train seat. There's Wi-Fi. There's food. Buy it online.

Buy it on the computer. No TSA. Honey, show up a minute before it enters the station. Maybe it's three minutes late. Who knows? Things happen. But I got my little suitcase. Why did they put our bag suit x-ray on a plane but not on a train?

Mama, why are they taking my little- Like people can't kill me on a train? Why are they taking my little teeny little tester spritzer bottle of Tom Ford tobacco oud out? Do you want to spritz yourself? Do you smell like poopy? What are you doing with that? Also, why can't I take my little six ounces of water because I'm dehydrated look at my skin you think i'm gonna blow up the plane with this water what the fuck is wrong with you i don't know what is wrong with you not you not you not the agent the best

is when they take that clear and so that be or a poor strip and wipe your palms whatever the fuck they're doing testing for explosives mama this pussy bomb we all know that what i said the first time i said what what it was what is He said, we're testing for explosives. And I went. It's like, well, I haven't figured myself today, so you got nothing to worry about. Testing for explosives. These are empty hands. No, you've been handling bomb.

Bomb-ass pussy. What if I work at a bomb factory? Thank you, Raytheon. Do you see a bomb? Does pussy blow like a bomb? Do you need a machine to tell you this isn't a bomb? The fact that a company This is a gun

Oh shit You better lay low No the fact that a company Has probably publicly traded And employs thousands of workers To create, engineer the technology For this machine Mama that's the farce

I'm glad that there's jobs and people having livelihood But this whole TSA farce that's a farce i'm glad that there's jobs and people having livelihood but this whole tsa farce mama what you know what i've been doing for david we went to san francisco last weekend to see terror vault which was amazing loved it love yeah love is there a cream though i know there's peaches but what about cream and cream yeah yeah have you ever seen connie and carla uh no i haven't. Is that Mia the Greek actress? Yes, and Toni Collette. Oh, no way. Spoiler alert, the logline is they witness a murder by the mob

and they have to go into hiding and they're two struggling cabaret performers and they go into hiding as drag queens. They pretend to be gay men. Oh, it's the burn cage. And they accidentally are really good at it But they don't want To get found out

Because people are looking For them to kill them Oh my god It's like cis-drag In the burn cage It's amazing It's a very underrated Drag movie

It's so good I love it There's a part where She's singing maybe this time From Cabaret And she comes out singing And the girl looks at her Like this

And she goes I'll be home And then sees her And goes Uh Whoa Does she remember She's supposed to be

She's not at the Married down Yeah yeah so funny i love that i love it forgot why i was telling you this well i but maybe this time i sang that while getting detragged with scissors on stage in college just like shirak did um last night which if you know miss yang miss aster yang Yang, costume superstar, doll maker extraordinaire. Those scissors had me nervous, Mitch. Mama, I had my fan up against my face. Mama, I heard stories about Coco Chanel that she would intentionally pin the models, prick them with the pins because she's, for whatever reason, was a Nazi.

I don't know. But like she, Miss Yang, when she's fitting me for a dress, I'm like, no, no, no. I think we'll use the dress for him. I think we'll use the dress for him. She pins it into the skin. She's, you know how she is. She's yanking. She's pulling. She's physical. She's doing American gladiators at that fitting. And then she's, she's bumping her crotch against you. The floor is lava. She's standing on top of you fitting the dress. The dress is lava. And you are a punching bag and a pin cushion. And I'm like, Oh, well she's used to dolls. No shit. She's just a pinning into dolls. And also she's a confident person. She's not just second guess herself to her sometimes to her detriment, I would say. But you know, I'm like,

Oh, I'm so careful. It takes me. She's like, girl, let's whip this out in two seconds and bam, bam. But at what cost? You wear a lot of red though. Human flesh, you know, at the cost of my human flesh. So when I saw those actual fucking shears, hacking, not medical shears,

not the rounded one. Also sewing shears. Maybe, how about maybe like a box cutter that's ceramic? How about those ceramic box cutters that would have worked? It was a box cutter on a person's body, a person's body. No,

they were, they were shearing. I didn't see any blood. I didn't see any blood. I didn't see any blood. He nicked her. I went backstage. He got the gal. He got the gal a few times.

Yes. He got the gal. She nicked they. I don't know who was doing what. Because everyone was doing personas. Andrew was nicked Chirac. Yes. And I love Chirac.

Oh my God. Everyone knows that. What a bravery. And I'm on stage going, what a... Because I came in the dressing room and I saw her and I didn't say hi to her. I didn't say hi to her in the dressing room cause I felt rude. And I just was like trying to get my little prop and leave. But somebody went, that's Chirac.

And I went, ha ha ha. It is Chirac. I gagged. It is Chirac. And also the panic halfway through the number, I was like, did they rehearse this at all? Because. I loved it. No, no, I loved it too.

But there was a moment where I was like, um. Well, I don't know how long the song is Are they behind? That's what I'm saying Leave it up to Miss Thing to like Oh we'll just wing it It's a classic drag thing Oh I know and then you find out on stage in real time

In front of an audience that What you had planned is not possible Songs either feel way too short Or so long Sometimes you're like I didn't really think past the first chorus. And your big finish happens. The wig reveal in the first 15 seconds.

Oh yeah. Or the ba-ba-da-ba-ba and nothing. The song is over. It's been over for two minutes. It's really sad. But anyways, the whole point is

drag is, you don't rehearse drag, it's drag. But that show was fierce and lovely and I loved it. Hottest crowd. The girls that a couple of um lovely women who were uh porn women who are dressed as idri magini and um then a kitty

a sexy kitty there was someone dressed as you oh yeah oh mama better flawless giving valenciaga and then she in she looked she made you look like, she out. She out. She out. You looked like ASOS presents. The buffet. Katya. And then hunger. Not eating. And she looked so good.

Her makeup looked so good. The wig. Look at my Instagram. Look at my Instagram. She did those, she had the nerve to do those tights on regular fishnets. Mary,

let me tell you this. They're very risky. They're going to rip them one day. But they haven't. She's worn them three times. But I'm going to tell you this. She was sitting with someone. She, usually people to tell you this. She was sitting with someone. Usually people go as us together.

She was sitting with someone with little braids, blonde braids and a hot dog costume. And I turned to David Silver. I said, if that's me, we're leaving. I thought she was sitting next to the gentleman who had the paper bag over their head that said ugly. That could have been me. That could have been fucking me.

That was so, I love that. It was so funny. How about the honey bunches of oats lady? Oh god and fun fact that guy is brian um i figured his last name hot smudge on on instagram he's so fucking hot i know but he was the honey bunches of oats old lady so he had the gray curly wig in the helmet the factory helmet yes the factory like hair net the boats so and it looked just like her. And like a hot guy sitting there in the dumbest costume. It gets me, it's like a $10 Dracula.

It gets me so, ooh. It's Halloween. The only thing I'm afraid of. Is coming all over your pussy lips. Getting a boner. Getting a big boner. Is spreading these lips and having you skeed all over it. Prego.

Prego. Prego. So wait, you know, how about this? When you're so comfortable and so shaded from the troubles of the world that you order an AuraQuick and like just on a whim, you forget and it comes in. Go get tested at one medical. Oh mama, don't you dare. You can show up anytime you want. They have lab hours all day.

Don't you dare get me started about one medical. Why? What's wrong? I got a bone to pick. Actually, I've got a bone to break with them. Oh, because of the foot? How's the x-ray? How's your foot?

How's the x-ray? Eight days later. It took eight days. Can I tell you? When I rolled my ankle. Eight days. When I rolled my ankle in Palm Springs, I got in a doctor and had an x-ray in an hour. In an hour. In an hour.

Good for you. That's amazing. Eight days. And I love to call out rad net. Girl, ain't nothing rad about your fucking net. I know it's radiology network, but whatever. Girl, rad, sad net. Okay, flop net.

Poo poo net. Crap net. Shit net. Is your foot better? Yeah. Stress fracture? No. Nothing. probably a bad sprain but i iced elevated and compressed for three full fucking days because i was terrified

well that's why it's better and also i was dilating all that time which if you which if you were coming to see us in richmond etc we we canceled for the foot injury mama and i'm not joking let me i'm not joking bitch take your Take your hat off, bitch. Balling bitch. I could tell you were sick. No, no. Mama, I hated it. I hate it. I was not in.

It was miserable. I didn't want to go on the road. I would have loved to do the shows. I didn't want to go to the airport, but I. Well, that's what I said. I said if it was Los Angeles, we would have pushed through. Yes. But the airport and shit, it would have made it worse.

I'm telling you. And then I come back to LA and it'd be worse. And then it would be a through. Yes. But the airport and shit, it would have made it worse. I'm telling you. And then I come back to LA and I'd be, and it'd be worse. And then it would be a fucking stress fracture because I do something stupid on stage because you get all crazy. And like,

I just, I'm sorry. I actually really am sorry because I know people did, like they did Airbnbs and non-refundable hotels. But listen, listen,

I'm so sorry, but you know, I had to, I spent $1,000 to see Labada in Miami and flew my friends there and she wore a yellow suit from Zara. So I know you're paying mama. I wish you would have canceled.

But at least she showed up. No, no. I wish you would have canceled. Cause I'm still processing that suit. Okay. I could have, I would have been over her absence. Cause she's looking fab, fabletics by Kate Hudson these days, but not that yellow suit. It haunts me.

Like the Ringu, like, like, days, but not that yellow suit. It haunts me like the ring goo. Like, like, um, talk to me. Right. It's the haunting of pill house. The haunting of pill house.

Girl, that cracked me up. Good pill hunting. Good pill hunting. Yeah. Pilly Wonka. I'm making oxygen. We were,

we were making jokes about when people are visibly on pills, which is a funny thing to joke about. Of course, drugs. But people doing recreational drugs where it's like, oh, she's drunk. She's on a press pill. But I'm like, oh, she's Miss Pill. And then we were like, no, she's Good Pill Hunting.

She's a haunting of Pill Manor. Yeah, yeah. She's a haunting of Pill House. Haunting of Pill House. Pilliwanka. She's also Good Pill Hunting. Hank Pill. Pill Smith.

Pill Smith. Pill Smith and Pillow Smith. Pillow on the floor. Pill Smith. Pill Smith. Pill Smith and Pillow Smith. Pillow Smith. And Pillow Smith. Oh, my God. Where's the... Oh, fuck. Give me another one.

We got to do another one. What's another one? Pill There Was You. Oh, God. Oh, Pill and Grace. Pillow! That's the one! Pillow and Grace. Mama, she's Pill and Grace. Pill and Grace. She, pill and grace. Oh, that's the one. That's the one.

Mama, she's pill and grace. She's pill and grace. She's good pill hunting, honey. Good pill hunting. Crack me up. I took a fat edible before that show.

So what? It helped. Oh yeah. It helped what? Process the beauty, the glamor, the technique. I was just able to lock my eyes on the drag and forget that anyone else in the room was

even watching. How beautiful did Andrew look as Isabella Rossellini? And I'm going to give my credit. He wasn't going to do that outfit. Those were all my jewels and all my trim. He needed that jewels. Yeah. And that was my dress.

I said, you're going to make this outfit, bitch, and you're going to do it with these jewels. And he did it in probably under an hour. Yeah. He looked great. The hair looks great, Bob. The lip. I said, you look like Selma fucking Blair, bitch. You look great. I don't know about that.

I told him Selma Blair Rich. I was like, close enough. Selma Blair Rich. Although Selma Blair has short blonde hair now. She doesn't have, but she used to have like the short dark blonde. Pillow pill. Pillow pill. Or just willow pill. Which I guess isn't as good. I like pillow pill. pill or just willow pill

which I guess isn't as good I like pillow pill pillow pill pillow I like pillow Smith we're going to Jack and Bill Jack and Bill party wait do you know about

Jack and Jill lighting so it's a little too little in that recessed lighting world that I'm trying to get excise myself from I know about Jack and Jill bathrooms well Jack and Jill lighting

Jack and Jill closets little like his and hers lighting reading lights by the bedroom by the by the I know about Jack and Jill bathrooms. Well, Jack and Jill lighting is a little like his and hers reading lights by the bedroom. There you go. Jack and Jill switches. Oh, yeah. We have that here. We sure do, girl. Are you Jack? Oh! The set!

You must be Jill because you're such a clumsy woman. Jack, oh my God. Pillow Smith. Pillow Smith. Okay. Last night was so good, though. If anybody gets a chance, the show is called Cabaret. Apocalyptic. Right here, look.

Apocalyptic. It's a quarterly, I think it's about a quarterly extravaganza. Yes. Usually it's themed, like it'll be holiday stuff. The next one's probably holiday. Christmas. And guess what? I already have, I mean, I'm going to say it so I can follow through with it.

I have a major passion project, as in I'm not going to make any money. I'm going to lose a lot of money on this number. But I have a fabulous show-stopping Christmas number planned with choreo. I have the call out to Laganja. She has not responded yet. Hi, girl. But to do it. But me and Roman, who's a trained ballerina in austin we want to do

this incredible uh number about birds love now you've got me interested i will say this though the fun of this show is that the people who go are artsy people industry people porn people drag queens chance high tech let's keep let's let's keep it a little fight club here I want you guys to sell out and make a lot of money What? Let's just keep the audience Fun, queer, and cool, shall we? Oh, what are you talking about? Artsy people, creators, weirdos

Let's just keep it weird Every other part of drag is gentrified And that's partially our fault But this is Let's keep this one cool That guy I told you about the house I nutted over last episode He was in the audience It was every cool person in LA

I stood up and started dancing No one was dancing I was You go through hell dancing I stood up and I was like You hate to dance You go through hell dancing Well it was that fierce Diana Ross song

upside down yeah you tell me you have to dance oh wait wait so last final thought final final thought while I was driving to the plaza they were doing my neighborhood's

trick or treat moment I was listening to Car Wash at Full Blast by Rose Royce on Halloween for some reason and I drove by Morticia Gomez Adams in their probably five-year-old daughter Wednesday in the cutest, sexiest, not the child, the, the, the, the parents were so fucking hot and seemed so cool. It was like just enough

effort to be awesome, but not too much to be obnoxious. You know what I mean? Yeah. I had to, to i stopped roll down the window i was like y'all better fucking work in front of the child and they looked at me like what and i had to just like we don't have to work today yeah yeah no no it's like we have the day yeah yeah yeah like no we we work from home like it was they looked i was like okay maybe straight people are onto something. It was so cute. The straight people are. I know.

I know we make fun of them. They're beautiful sometimes. They are onto something. I go through hell looking at straight people. They're onto what we're supposed to do. No, no. They're on, we're off of them. No, we're off of something.

No, no, no. We're off the chain, but it's belonged to them. We're at, Mary, I'm sitting at Plaza watching a person in a rubber pussy suit with a rubber pussy and red rubber tits. Walk by me and take a dollar. You think I'm on the right track in my life? You're Lebanese. You're Orient. Transgender life.

Okay, bye. Bye.