The Bald and the Beautiful with Trixie and Katya - Revisiting our Very First Episode with Trixie and Katya

Episode Date: May 25, 2021

As Katya undergoes the world's first experimental belly button-bleaching surgery in the mountains of Tanzania and Trixie puts the finishing touches on her long-gestating Alf biography, the girls are blessing your ears with a much-needed revisiting of their ground-breaking, laughter-inducing, bladder-destroying first episode of the podcast. That's right, folks. This is where it all started. Or ended, depending upon how you feel about the show. So find a spot on your couch that isn't stained with fluorescent yellow nacho cheese, and pop open a Bartles & Jaymes wine cooler for 50-ish minutes of pure auditory ecstasy. Follow Trixie: @TrixieMattel Follow Katya: @Katya_Zamo To listen to our podcast on YouTube: http://bit.ly/TBATBYT Don’t forget to subscribe to the podcast for free wherever you're listening or by using this link: http://bit.ly/baldandthebeautifulpodcast If you want to support the show, and get all the episodes ad-free go to https://thebaldandthebeautiful.supercast.com/ If you like the show, telling a friend about it would be helpful! You can text, email, Tweet, or send this link to a friend: http://bit.ly/baldandthebeautifulpodcast Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Eligibility and member terms apply. Hi, everyone. Thank you so much for listening to The Bald and the Beautiful with Trixie Mattel and Katya Zamelichikova. This week, we are revisiting our very first episode, the inaugural edition of The Bald and the Beautiful. Next week, we will be back with some very lovely surprises. So stay tuned and have a lovely week. Happy listening. Okay.

Hey, listen. Hi. Well, we did it. We did it. Well, we got it. We found a way to not get in dry hamburger again. This is Katya. I'm Trixie.

And because we've appeared so many times in so many forms in a video format, we thought we'd finally give you a boner break just so that you can focus on our voices. You know, I hate that. The worst part about drag is that because I'm so beautiful and so sexy, some would say erotic. If you will, thank you excuse me yes it's hard for people to listen to my thoughts because instead of what's in my head they're thinking of putting their dick in my head through my mouth and also other parts of my you're just a big blonde bimbo with huge fuckable titties. And something I think we really need to establish is obviously welcome to this brand new podcast.

Yes. This was inspired by many people through the years reaching out and saying, you know what? I'll put YouTube. I'll put one of your YouTube shows, whatever on in the car and I'll just let it play. Like it's a podcast. Yeah.

Which I don't recommend. I don't recommend that either. Watching things on your phone while you're driving. No. No, no, no. But what I do recommend is subscribing to this podcast because this is a podcast. Podcast. Yeah, uh-huh.

That's right. And you know what? I'm going to make a commitment right here and now on this. Mm-hmm. I'm going to interrupt you, Les. Oh, now, okay. I'm so glad you mentioned that because I was going to bring a dinger. Ding. Oh. I was going to interrupt you less Oh now okay I'm so glad you mentioned that because I was going to bring A dinger

I was going to bring a dinger I don't have a dinger But I'll bring a dinger next time An interrupting Dinger Oh perfect That's the shade button But something I want to incorporate into this too Is we should do sound effects.

Sound effects. Yeah. And, um, but I also want to, I think every, we're always Trixie and Katya. And I think in this,

I think you should, you should be, it should be Katya and Trixie. Alphabetical. Yes. Alphabetical. Because now that I'm not in drag, you know,

I'm not going to eclipse you as much. Physically eclipse you, by the way, by being several inches taller than you, wider than you, with bigger hair. I know. If I turned sideways, I'd just become invisible. You know when people ask you,

what's it like living in my shadow? They don't mean I'm more famous than you. It's very cool and comfortable. I'm wearing a wig. Now, this is called the bald and the beautiful. We are, in fact, two bald, faggy fucks. I love the concept. I do, too.

You came up with it. Yes, I did. It's from a soap opera. Have you ever seen The Bold and the Beautiful? I have not. Neither have I. It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter.

But I think that on this show, we intend to, listen, we don't endorse or, how do I say this? Whether or not you believe in certain beauty things mattering or not mattering in society, we are here to objectively talk about people's relationships with beauty. Yeah. Be it like hair extensions and lipstick or body image or perfume or celebrity beauty trends. Yeah. Or the rejection of those things. Like, you know, the people who say,

I'm not interested in all that. I'm looking for a natural lady. Right. You know, that kind of thing. Yeah. You know her? Ginger? Yeah.

Definitely. So, I mean, and we're going to talk about um our relationship to and our rejection of and our in uh participation in in our rejection of certain uh concepts of beauty style fashion yada yada and um also you know other people's and we're very passionate about both the extremes of beauty i mean like oh like wiglets and eyebrow tattoos and all that. But I also love people just flat out saying this was the age I stopped wearing concealer period.

Or male celebrities doing spray tans. I mean that counts as beauty. Yeah, toupees. Gluing on a piece. A piece. Gluing on a piece. A hair system.

Did you have to read that book in school called a separate piece do you know what that was called is it about a wig that was about a wig about a wiglet about a man's journey with a piece gluing it on every day um and i uh but i'm fascinated because my interest in beauty and my participation in beauty goes into the grotesque well that's why i think you and I are actually are very qualified to talk about some of this stuff. Because let's be honest, we have infiltrated an entire industry that hinges on being gorgeous. Just to get your foot in the door, that foot has to be pedicured. Yep.

And you and I out of drag, let's be honest. It's a gnarled claw. Yes. If we weren't, if we were at a gay bar and we weren't gay famous, ain't nobody would talk to us. If I was a bathroom attendant at gay bar, people wouldn't even take a starburst from me. Yeah.

And that's, and that's why we're, we're in the very unique position of, of, of, of straddling both worlds. One of middle earth and one of Hollywood. Yeah,

really? Yeah. Because? Yeah. Because out of drag, we really get to parody and use all the tropes of Americanized beauty to our advantage by both making fun of it, but also, I mean, even if we're making fun of it,

we still look great and profiting off of it and profiting off of it. So I think like as drag Queens, especially you and I, we both like make fun of beauty standards but we also sort of celebrate that like you can be kind of not that great and you can invoke the smoke in the mirrors and the spells and the pentagrams and turn into a pretty passable person yeah yeah i'm extremely passable and i and something i've found about cosmetics and beauty and perfume and everything is there's also, it's an industry that's never the same.

People have different relationships with beauty and stuff all the time. Yeah. And also I'm fascinated. I mean, I'm fascinated by your participation in the business side of it because just the trend factor of like beauty trends makes my head spin. Yeah. I mean, whether or not, I mean, even people, let's say you're not a person who wears makeup or whatever,

whether or not you believe in it, quote unquote, look at the industry. Beauty has been one of the biggest industries you can be in forever. It's never going to go anywhere. No. And the technology is always changing.

Yeah. And celebrities using it or abusing it is always changing. Yeah. And we have so many people in our lives as Trixie and Katya, we've gotten to meet so many makeup artists, stylists, designers,

models, drag Queens. We know some of the people who are probably the most influential in beauty. Yeah. Casually. In front and behind the camera. And I usually find that the people in behind the camera, the more fascinating ones.

Absolutely. Absolutely. Absolutely. Absolutely. I'm so happy you brought that up. Pivoting to the left. Yeah. Wait, let me ask you right now, though. What?

Do you feel beautiful right now? Yeah, I do. And what? And what? Tell me. Tell me. Describe to me how beautiful you are. Well, speaking of beauty, it's called, them are COVID Toms. Them are Indian Toms speaking of beauty it's called them are covid toms they were in these strong towns and i was on a run the other day and i ran by the alta

and i was bewitched and i went i haven't been inside like a beauty store of any kind in a long time and i had my mask on i went in there and i shopped for makeup because i'm so tan i don't match anything and it was just so magical to be at a makeup store. And all the testers are taped shut. I was going to ask, did they let you test anything? No, nothing is even openable. Leave it up to chance. So I had to just by eye sort of match some products for myself. And I got home and I'm, I guess I'm still tan enough that still nothing. It's all too light, but that's okay. It's okay. You know what else? I mean, you don't, you don't shop for makeup or anything.

Not really. No, I don't. Your favorite product is whatever gets sent in the mail. Whatever gets in the mail. And I, what I want to, what I do is I go to the makeup store.

I did go to the makeup store to get something. I don't remember what, but I go in there, pretend like I've never bought makeup in my life. And I ask a question. I was like, what is an eyeliner? No,

you don't. I do. Well, because of the way I look out of drag, which is,, I'll say, what is an eyeliner? No, you don't. I do. Well, because of the way I look out of drag, which is, let's just say, I don't look like a fierce YouTube makeup person going. People think I'm shopping for someone.

You look like Bob the Builder. Yes. But that, but now I'm actually too famous. Now at Altos and Sephora's or Max, I get the primo treatment. Cause they know who I am. We'll see.

I'll, I'll either do the, what I said first, or I'll do the other thing. I was like, I'm shopping for my girlfriend. And, see, I'll either do what I said first or I'll do the other thing. I was like, I'm shopping for my girlfriend. And she's my girlfriend. I'm shopping for my girlfriend.

I'm shopping for my girlfriend. She has skin. She has everything for skin. She has really good skin. And she also likes to highlight her eyes. What does she look like? Okay, she has two eyes. Long hair.

Long hair. She's got six teeth. She's got six of them. A swan-like neck. She's. She got six teeth. She got six of them. A swan like Nick. She's swan like Nick. But I mean, and not just makeup and hair. I hope on this show,

we could talk about other, I don't want to say inner beauty, but let's say self image. No, I want to talk about inner beauty. I want to, like self image. Body image. What do you think about, what do you think inner beauty. I want to... Yeah, like self-image. Body image. What do you think about...

What do you think inner beauty is? Inner beauty is a crock of shit. You think? Yeah, I know. Inner beauty is a crock of shit. Let me tell you. A good character is attractive. Well, this is the tea.

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, right? Yeah, sure. And let's say I think standing by your word is really important. If you're somebody who stands by your word, I would find that attractive and beautiful. Would you say beautiful? I mean, what do we attribute to inner beauty? Confidence, kindness, compassion, intelligence, probably. All of the pillars of a good character. Yeah. Yeah. Honesty. And you know my favorite phrase, God doesn't give up both hands. He sure doesn't. So I, as an ugly person, I only get by when I see a hot person, I go, they're an idiot

and they're a terrible person. Idiot, rotted. Yeah. Which is why we have so many friends. Let's see. Devin Green, for example. Yep. Gorgeous.

Yep. Nice. Nice. Smart, fun, interesting. Generous, compassionate. Yeah. I pretend people like her don't exist People who have it all Well she comes from Canada though

She's cheating the system Northern Canada Well all of Canada is northern That's true She's from southern Canada She's from Manitoba I'm not sure that place actually exists You know what I mean? Just in terms of She's from Manitoba. I'm not sure that place actually exists. You know what I mean?

Just in terms of, she's from the netherworld. She's otherworldly is what I'm trying to say. She's the exception. She's from New Zealand. New Zealand. New Zealand. You come from New Zealand. And then other aspects of beauty I think we could talk about include fitness for sure.

Yeah. Or body positive relationships with yourselves at different weights. I mean. Body modification. Body modifications. God, do we have people who could inform us on that on this show? or body positive relationships with yourselves at different weights. I mean, body modification, body modifications. God, do we have people who could inform us on that on this show? We could,

and also we could talk about locational differences because I, I mean, I'm sure you've noticed, but moving from, um, Wisconsin to LA, me moving from new England to LA, the whole,

uh, scrabble board is shuffled around. Yup. I literally just got my lips done and Mary, I want more. Yeah. The scrabble board is shuffled around. Yep. I literally just got my lips done and Mary, I want more. Yeah. The scrabble board gets shuffled around and the, the,

like, I guess what you call it in sports, but the first down for what you would consider too much plastic surgery. Once you've lived here, it moves. Oh yeah. I'm pretty soon. What was noticeable is not like to me when I,

when I first moved here and I saw people with work done. It was like a conversation I have for two days. I saw this lady who had big lips, whatever. And now I don't think about it. Yeah, it does. You get completely used to it. And it's like the line of what is too much is kind of like way far off in the distance. Now my story is like we went to Gelson's and found parking.

You know, that's the unicorn. That's my hot story hot takes oh and you know uh we have so many people in our lives who i can't wait to have on here especially since we know so many funny people we know so many people who are famous but still do their own hair and makeup yeah people who choose not to wear makeup yeah i mean you don't because you don't even we neither of us have hair we have we're bald as fuck and i recently shaved my head down to the skin i'm wearing a wig right now just for personal safety you look like a hard-boiled egg um hard-boiled egg yeah uh i don't feel safe unless i have my wiglet on an egg that's been road hard and put away boiled that's what you look like

um but i i shaved it down to the skin in the shower. It was a revelation. It's kind of fun. It was really fun. It was really interesting. I thought I was going to rake off the epidermis and I'd be like Hellraiser, you know what I mean? Yeah. Like Pinhead.

But it actually came out pretty smooth. However, because I have pretty severely shaved three quarters of my eyebrows off, I've been experiencing the daytime makeup, which is the pencil. Makes a huge difference. I couldn't even tell until you mentioned something. Yeah, yeah.

It's essential. Which is crazy because I've never seen you wear out of drag, not a stitch of makeup, really ever. I don't wear it. I can't do it. There's a line. Because I think it's about, it's a part of male privilege that I enjoy to the max.

Is being gutter. Walking out of my apartment looking like the roadkill, like looking like roadkill from the devil's rejects. And being able to like walk, you know, walk through society and have that be acceptable. Looking like a burnt pancake. Looking like a burnt pancake on a wheelbarrow. Like that's what I do. Yeah. You look like a rubber Bart Simpson toy wheelbarrow. Like that's what, that's what I look like. Yeah. You look like a rubber Bart Simpson toy that melted in the sun.

Yeah. But I, but so, but I also have to face my, um, I want to face my prejudice. I have certain prejudices in certain, um,

uh, preconceived, uh, uh, judgments of men who wear makeup. And I, I want to, I want to,

I want to face that. Like I'm on Tyra's Tyra Banks show or like I'm on, um, do you know how to wear makeup? Um, I do during, I'm ashamed. I'm just kidding.

I pretty much out of drying. I pretty much wear like a tinted moisturizer, tinted sunscreen every single day. Okay. And that is for sunblock and moisturization. And it just evens out my face. So it's just, so it's a twofer it's

it's protection in vanity yeah and most of them also are things like anti-pollutants that it has all that to it too free radicals yeah and then my brows aren't very full so i wear gel every day you're wearing it right now like a bra mascara right now can't tell at all yeah it just coats the hair because i have a lot of hairs but but they're not very dark. So it just makes them more. And because I'm so no hair on my head. Yeah. For me. And you're kind of blonde.

Oh. Which is a little more forgiving, I think, with eyebrows. It is forgiving because they're barely there, but they are there. Yeah. Because once you get rid of them. Oh. Yeah. It's off the rails.

I wear a little concealer sometimes. Okay. Under the eyes. Okay. If I'm really tan, I do a little bronzer Under the eyes If I'm really tan I do a little bronzer so that I match my body Oh Then I do a full lip

Then I do a thick Three shadows Bottom lashes I always wear lip balm Fake jewelry And then I wear cologne pretty much Honestly literally everywhere but bed I wear cologne all the time

I do that too. But I also, and I smoke, which is great for the skin. I smoke. I smoke. Yeah. I wear perfume.

Yeah, you wear cologne. I've seen you wear cologne. Is that part of, is the smoking kind of part of what makes you wear cologne? Absolutely. Also the smelling like shit. Do you like shopping?

I smell like shit. Have you ever, have you ever seen, have you ever Also, the smelling like shit. Do you like shopping? I smell like shit. Have you ever driven cross country? Yeah. You ever stopped in Arkansas and picked up a dead hog and smelled its asshole? Okay. That's what I smell like. You smell like an armadillo that got eaten from the inside out. I've been so, the past two days, I lift up my arms and I smell my armpits and I recoil in

terror and horror. Well, some of the people listening might know us from the New York Times bestseller list. And in that book we wrote, Trixie and Kachi's Guide to Modern Womanhood, now available everywhere. There's a part where you mention your relationship with hygiene, which I think counts as beauty. Absolutely. And somebody had to tell you, you smell. They had to tell me to my face in the bed. You didn't say it was me in the book, but it was. He told me in, but guess what I had the, I mean, I had the audacity to invite this man into my bed for a sexual purpose.

Yeah. And a sexual purpose that involved oral sex of one of sub kind or another. You can imagine, connect the dots. Yeah. And I allowed him to enter my cave with it being filled with corpses right house of a thousand corpses that's your that's your crotch is house of a thousand corpses there was this girl there's this girl went to high school with and she wore i didn't know at the time when you're a teenager you don't know what foundation is whatever she

wore liquid foundation with no powder and she had super oily skin so she looked one color wet and wet all day and people called her pod pile of death isn't that wrong i don't even remember her name i am more i am more and i remember the gay boy in our school was like i mean it's like she's not even powdering her foundation i am more horrified by the fact that it was understood what that acronym meant. Yep. P.O.D. P.O.D. Pile of Death.

Girl, small towns. There was a girl. There was a girl who had a mole between her eyes, a big mole between her eyes. And people called her third eye blind. Oh, no. Third eye blind. Third eye blind. Girl, I went to school with a girl, Penny Nickel.

Penny. How about Precious Valentine? She went to Krivitz, Wisconsin. I won't say where she's from because she went to Krivitz, Wisconsin. But she was a girl. Penny Nichol. I went to kindergarten with her. And people called her Sixth Sense. The Sixth Sense.

At least that's creative. That's clever. I feel like that's clever. Bullying is fine as long as it's clever. It's got to involve a significant amount of wordplay for it to be not. I mean, did you get bullied? Did you get bullied?

No. Did you, did you, um, I mean, people maybe call me fag, but honestly at the risk of sounding controversial, you got brave.

Being called a fag never really bothered me that much because you were a fag. Yeah. And I was just like, I live in a small town and like the guy who drives the Chevy walk drove by and called me a fag who cared. Like, I don't know. It wasn't the end of the world to me. Yeah. And you didn't get beat up. So that's okay. Yeah. And I was just like, I live in a small town and like the guy who drives the Chevy drove by and called me a fag. Who cares? Like, I don't know. It wasn't the end of the world to me. Yeah.

And you didn't get beat up. So that's okay. Yeah. I think when, you know, obviously it's physical. And I wasn't out. I think it's worse if you're out.

And when you're from such a small town like I was, the kids I went to kindergarten with were the same kids I graduated with. So like I might be gay, but you knew me since I was five. Yeah.

You knew. You've been new sis. Yeah. You might not even totally, or you don't want to happen a lot in a group. guys would be mean to me but one-on-one they wouldn't so it's almost like that mentality of like they're in a group they'll say faggot but not but not a one-on-one societal pressure because one-on-one yeah they were you know yeah they wanted it yeah they did you ever get it no but some of the one of the gay guys i went to

high school with, Corey. Hi, Corey. He cuts my hair whenever I go to Milwaukee. He was openly gay. And you know when you're closeted in high school, the openly gay kid is like, how could you do it? And thank God you're being gay so no one looks at me. Exactly. Deflecting.

It's kind of sad, but when you're insecure, thank God for that gay kid who takes the brunt of it. I completely agree. He was really gay and he got laid left and right because he would go to these. Why am I whispering? Like these people are listening. He would get laid left and right. He would go to these high school parties and like guys want, he would get laid.

I, we got to have him on the pod. We absolutely do. I want him on the pod. I want to know about this. It's, I would love to have him. If you think my accent is strong,

if he's full Wisconsin, you guys want to go to a car, have fun in the car. Or like it's try would love to have him if you think my accent is strong if he's full wisconsin you guys want to go to a car you can't find in the car like it's try the vince camuto try the vince camuto you guys pink nikki minaj pink friday free tote bag if you guys don't know that's what i worked in the beauty department at macy's mayfair mall oh my god so you never you i mean i worked front desk at a salon. I went to beauty school.

What are you bringing to this? I have so much expertise. I think just natural beauty. Effortless glamour. You're actually a lot more informed about, I think, celebrity beauty

than I am. Yes, well, celebrity beauty and fashion and also the ins and outs of alluring a man. I misspoke. Alluring a man. I misspoke. Alluring a man into a hole.

Into a hole. Because I have a lot of experience with the bare minimum of what it takes to achieve a certain level of beauty that is acceptable to invite a man over into my house to do sex to me. And then all you know, all those different stages in between of like, what is the full drag fantasy and what is the absolute like, you know, Crypt Keeper minimum? Well, you've also built a character that is sort of built on what society thinks a sex worker looks like. Sure. Yeah. And I also look like

whodunit and ran out of drag, which I think is like there's a wide chasm to cross when it comes to like from zero to drag. Completely. Yeah. That's why I think that we're going to be able to give really objective and interesting points of view, because if we were two people who were hot in and out of their get up, how informed could you be? Because when you're truly beautiful, your life is just different. Yeah. Your life is different from birth.

Pretty privilege. Everything you say is funnier. Every job you, you probably, hot people get hired easier. They get in a call. The hot people get everything. They get everything.

And for people like us who've gotten a lot of stuff, knock on wood, by, honestly, we impersonate a hot person. Yeah. That's what we do.

By hook or by crook. Yeah. But honestly, we impersonate a hot person. Yeah. That's what we do. By hook or by crook. Yeah. Really? Yep. All right. So let's take a little break. We'll see you in a bit. This episode is brought to you by CIBC.

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we're ready for you. Visit TD.com slash small business match to book an appointment with one of our advisors. And we're back. And we're back. I like this. I do too. I'm also holding the microphone like I'm at a show because I haven't done a show in a long time. I know.

And I miss holding a microphone. I got to tell you, I miss I know. I miss holding a microphone. I got to tell you, I miss it too. And as much as I love wireless microphones, because I travel with a pink wireless. Do you? Yeah. What do you do with your hand? Oh, you play the guitar. So that keeps my, both my hands pretty busy. I'll let you know when I learned to play with one hand. I don't know what I would, I don't know what I would, I would have restless hands. Well, I probably start touching people. I love't know what I would, I don't know what I would, I would have restless hands. Well, I probably start touching people. I love the cordless mic,

but there's something about being on stage with the cord. Yeah. It makes me think of like when I was a kid wanting to be a performer, what that choreography was like having a cable. I do not like the cable. Oh, I do. No,

no, no, no, no, no. It makes me feel like a real standup. Oh, I don't want to be a real standup.

I just want to have the microphone. And I feel like I'm going to do that like cartoon thing where I'm going to trip myself. I'm going to be like wrap it around my legs, trip, and everybody's going to laugh at me. Do you know what I mean? Would you ever get one of those like truth or dare mics? Would you ever start wearing a head mic? Absolutely not. Because then I feel like a telemarketer.

Or TED Talk or Tony Robinson. Yeah. I feel like a telemarketer. Or TED Talk or Tony Robinson. Yeah. I'd feel like a snake oil charlatan, a TED Talk speaker or a telemarketer. A lot of T's.

Yes. Yeah. I just, I love a strong wireless mic with bright, with a bright thing on it. You know what I mean? So I can, with a battery, I just feel like a lot of safety in that. If we're talking beauty, we're also talking like glamour.

For you, who is the gaggiest epitome of glamour? Your jaw drops every time. You wish you could just dive into their closet and take everything home with you. I mean, I'd probably say Naomi Campbell. That's a great choice. I've never seen her look bad. Can wear anything. Even with, at the most glam to the most pared down it's impossible it's an impossible level of glamour and beauty because of

the the the physicality of her bone structure in the face and the face at the face of the body and also the fact that there's been literally like no, there's no difference. The aging process has not degraded her glamour in the least at all. At all. At all. It's almost showcased it because it's made her glamour feel more like. It's gilded it. Yeah, a 21-year-old looks like that.

But for now, it's like that is an older woman. Yeah, and it's shocking, that is an older woman. Yeah. And it's, it's, um, it's shocking. Like it's shocking. If you see her, you're like, you're,

it's shocking. You'll get to meet her someday. I would love to meet her. I would love to meet. Who have you met in real life? Who in real life, in real time has, has taken your breath away? Amanda.

Every time. Amanda. Amanda. Every time. I've been Amanda probably five times. Amanda Lepore. Yeah. Amanda Lepore.

People at home. I met her probably five times. And I mean like when I was 18 like moving to my first apartment buying makeup from CBS being like I'm gonna do drag and I saw pictures of Amanda and I was like oh my god that's what I want to look like which hasn't happened but every time I meet her it's just and because she lives in New York New Yorkers see her all the time at clubs they're not even impressed anymore but i'm like um there's a unicorn in the room right it's like she's levitating yeah she is that the skin then decolletage the boobs i mean it's just perfect and petite and the little voice she is like she it's like she stepped out of a cartoon yeah and i i admire that because i not because I find her beauty

relatable, but I find her commitment to beauty extremely inspiring. If Amanda can do that every day, you can get in the shower. I feel very attacked. Because I find getting into the shower every day

something of a challenge. Well, quarantine especially. When quarantine started, I was like, I haven't showered in four days am i gross oh yeah i can relate to that like because once i i never realized how much getting in drag creates shower moments for me drag was my whole i'm taking my wig off so i can get

real the drag for me for the longest time was the only consistent benchmark for hygiene. Yes. Because I would on drag days, I would get into the shower before the show, get into the shower after the show. So that's least two, two showers, sometimes three a day in drag. If the show is very late in the day,

I would have showered in the morning perhaps. But so that's at least three times in the shower. That's a very clean person. Yeah. That's a very clean person. Three times a day? At least two, sometimes three a day.

Wow. If there's a show. Cause I get it. I always get in, I don't take my makeup off and just stew in my because you know how much i sweat yeah i have to get in the shower after the gig yeah well you and i have both talked about sometimes we've done the neck down make the neck but wait a minute the neck down drag shower and you do it with the way clipped up. Oh, listen. Let me listen. Listen, listen, listen, listen. So this is, this is the, I mean, this is to be like. This is the, this is when I knew

I was a little bit different. This is honestly one of those moments where as a drag performer, it's one of those moments where I might relate more to a person who identifies as female than a person who identifies as female than a person

who identifies as male. Yes. Because I don't like being half-drag, period. I want to be a woman or a man. Let me set it up. So this is, I would do a show and I would organize a rendezvous with a gentleman caller for after the show.

But of course, I've done five numbers in boiling heat. Is it shocks? It's shocks. I mean, from the neck down, it is hammer time on every orifice and crevice. So we have to do a little freshening up. However, the mug is still right. So I get into the shower.

We do a neck down shower. But here's a twist. Because your skin's kind of dry, right? Yes, extremely dry. So any sweating just sets the makeup. I don't want to get oily or shiny. So I get into the shower. I put the wig up. Like an alligator clip?

In a claw clip. Now, this is before lace funds. This is a $35 wig. That could easily be snatched. That could easily. I mean, with one pinky, just snatched right on and put on a hanger. This is not a unit that is glued to my head at all.

This is a shitty shingo wig that is about to get cum in it that I keep on, I go to great lengths to clip, sometimes it's scrunchie, and a clip in the back to keep it off the nape of my neck. And I get in the shower and i feel like kate moss i don't blame you i i did something really similar recently this year i was on tour with grown up and which is coming to all over the world and um my tour my band is all straight right and this is my first time probably living with straight men in close

quarters and working with them all day probably my whole life okay yeah never been that close to straight people for straight guys especially very straight i met them they're very straight and so accepting of how gay i mean they don't they don't even bat an eye yeah they're so proud to be in the show whatever but because they were straight boys and i'm a drag queen and so when i'm in drag i do feel like the the girl yeah if we were backstage and i was in like my backstage look like a robe, I had like bandana. So I would take the fall off and I would wrap a bandana on my head like

Rosie the Riveter. Like I just tied my hair up between numbers because I was too embarrassed to run around bald. So I would keep the wig on with my makeup on like, oh, I'm just a girl backstage getting ready. Yeah. And a few days into the tour,

that sort of showmanship wore off and eventually I was like they don't care fuck these hoes they're not sniffing yeah but the first few days I was like oh I don't want them to oh my god I had jobs not that I wanted them to think I was cool but like the woman in me was like

I can't show my unmentionables you know what I mean I miss that. Doing drag? No, I miss doing the after gigs. You miss doing the... Feeling like a woman. You know what I don't like about it for you, though?

You're too famous now. No, no. Yeah, it can't happen. You can't do it anymore. So I thought about it. I thought about getting on... So this is a... In terms of beauty,

in terms of feeling attractive, feeling sexy sexy and projecting an image out there say social we have social media or apps like hookup apps i have the i could do you know me out of drag brian which is so problematic in so many ways and then um and then but trying to do a drag profile say for example on grinder which is what a lot of people do because there's a lot of guys who go for that kind of thing on Grindr now. But I can't do that either because all I'm going to do is get messages from gay guys like, hey, girl, hey, girl, love your show, blah, blah, blah. Yeah. I mean, I have a Grindr that's pretty much at least half the messages. What do you show?

You show your face. Yeah, I don't care. You know what I tell myself? Well, first of all, background for the audience. Yeah, I don't care. You know what I told myself? Well, first of all, background for the audience. Some of the people just listening might not have known that you used to be a professional escort on the side.

Yeah, part-time hooker. Yeah, and after the shows, you would hook up. Yeah, I would hook up either for money or for fun, sometimes both. And that's almost like a whole other personality besides drag. And I was very lucky. It was, it was, I'm telling you, it was a, and I was very lucky. Listen, there's a lot of caveats going here because on the one hand, I don't want to condemn or glamorize or promote a particular kind of sex work because mine was, was very optional. It was very. Especially when you're working with men who, let's be honest, men who are interested in trans women or drag queens,

they're usually not out. No. And they're usually extremely, let's say, fragile about it. Yeah. And could pivot to homicide. Yeah. Volatile. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's not exactly a safe environment for sex workers who present as like, you know, not

cis female. Right, right, right. So it was, I didn't realize at the time that it was so dicey because I had, by and large, 99% of the time, a very safe experience. The only, only like hiccups I had was when they didn't show up. Oh no.

That was the only depressing part, but it never got fine. Like a cake left out in the rain. Oh, you have no idea. And then the desperation of me just in a, imagine me in Leg Avenue lingerie at 1.30 in the rain. Oh, you have no idea. And then the desperation of me just in a, imagine me in leg Avenue lingerie at one 30 in the morning on my couch, smoking a cigarette, crying.

Oh God. The leg Avenue is the sad part. Yeah. I mean, if we're talking about beauty, one of the other things we want to touch on, we want to talk to people with, let's say different general genitals.

We're both really interested in interviewing somebody with a micro penis. So if anybody wants to come on the show, we'll change your voice. We'll keep you anonymous. We want to have open, frank, compassionate conversation about what that's like. I'm so curious. And this is not a morbid fascination. It's not something I want to make fun of. It's earnest.

Earnest. I'm really, really, really curious about because different genitals. I think we should also have a conversation with the flip side. Somebody with an extremely big dick. Because I think that presents different problems. Yeah, absolutely. Another one, I would love to talk to a girl with maybe like super small boobs versus really big boobs. That's a totally different lifestyle.

Or like a really shallow vagina. I would love to talk to, we know somebody in the industry who had implants removed. Yeah. That would be interesting to hear about. Totally. I want to hear about people with a plentiful labia. Yeah.

Huge lips. And let's just put it all out there right here too. We don't know everything and we aren't exemplary in any way. So on this show, I think we're going to learn a lot and I can guarantee that we're not always going to let's say go into things

with the right terminology. We're a bunch of, we're faggy bald fucks who happen to be white cis men. So we don't know shit in a lot of ways. So we're coming at this from a very like, we would like to learn. We would like to maybe perhaps the listener can learn through our ignorance or our ignorance can be a jumping off point for education.

Because especially in beauty, it can be very touchy. You know, when I worked in cosmetics, my manager at the time, she said, we don't work in the beauty industry. We work in the self esteem industry,

which is like when you're like doing someone's makeup at a counter, you're only a few wrong things from somebody like crying in a chair in front of you. Do you know what I mean? Oh my God. Because people come in to talk about their skin texture. I have small lips. My eyes are sagging.

Why don't my eyebrows are like bald? It's all their insecurities laying out Neiman Marcus. You know what I mean? And I've experienced the same thing where I've like walked into like a a nordies after a bender and i've looked in one of those magnifying mirrors and i just had to leave i left i just hit the button thank you i had to leave i had i just and you stole the mirror't you? I ripped that mirror right off the wall. You just ran with it.

What you didn't mention is it was a full length and you were robbing this store. You didn't mention that, did you? I smashed through the window. No, it's the, sometimes the,

um, and with beauty, it's like, and I mean, think about how many times you've had a friend or girlfriend where and who you think is just the epitome of glamour is so gorgeous effortlessly beautiful and then but what is your reality and their reality could not be further from i mean there's no correlation completely you know well everybody's the protagonist in their own story

and everybody thinks that they are the most, their dark circles are the darkest. Their hips are the widest. Yeah. Their pussy is the smelliest. The tightest. My pussy is the tightest. You know, it's so tight. You know, people have different, what I'm saying is, again, beauty is in the eye of

the beholder. Same with people's flaws. Yes. Ugliness is sort of in the eye of the beholder. Same with people's flaws. Yes. Ugliness is sort of in the eye of the beholder too. You're talking about ugly? Bitch, I got you. I am the ugliest piece of shit ever. Do you feel good about yourself?

No. Because on of drag, I know I'm not like Burt Reynolds. But I also. Let me just say I know that I'm not Burt Reynolds. That's your benchmark for male beauty? Yes. Burt Reynolds. That's your benchmark for male beauty? Yes. Burt Reynolds. That's the apex for you?

Okay. But I also know that there's enough things about me that are redeemable that someone's going to want to fuck me. Yeah. And I believe when I was on Tinder dating, I was like, I'm going to match with someone or whatever who thinks I am exactly their type. Yeah. Because we're really talking about types.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Some people love, I've been with guys who are like, oh my God, the first reason I talk to you is because I love shaped heads. Well, listen to this. The last person I hooked up with was his, he's like. He was a baby and you thought you guys were the same age.

He's like, I love Nosferatu. He's like, I love Nosferatu. He did not say I love Nosferatu. And that makes me so happy because I give out big Nosferatu vibes. So I'm, I'm like, I'm in the market for somebody who's looking for a malnourished pallid cave dweller. You know what I mean?

With some, with a big teeth in dark circles and sketchy motives and blood and a mouthful of blood. What are the things I run into? Like, I don't think my type as a, as a gay person matches my look as a gay person. Say that again. I don't think my type as a gay person.

I think I have like the personality of a twink sometimes but i have like the the infrastructure of someone's uncle oh okay so it's like a weird mishmash oh yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah you do you have like it's freaky friday the dad and the daughter switched bodies i'm in the dad's body but the daughter's in the dad yeah yeah yeah that's my life totally i i don't know what I've got going on, but the problem I have with my self-image is that it's on the horizon. I feel like it's achievable,

but the clock is ticking now. Well, I've thought about that too. Age mama. I think as gay men, a lot of us in our 20s, I mean, this isn't just a gay show. We'll talk about a lot of things, but as far as insecurity goes, lot of us in our 20s, I mean, this isn't just a gay show. We'll talk about a lot of things. But as far as insecurity goes, as gay men in our 20s, being young makes us in some way like, okay, well, at least I'm 21. Right.

But then, you know, I'm 31 now and I'm like, I think I'm hitting my stride because I probably care about my body more than ever. Yeah. So my body's probably looking better and better all the time. My face hit the floor three years ago, you know, but you know, it's getting worse in that department. But then I, but then I listened to old videos of like, you know, I've been doing video stuff long enough. I'm like, Oh my, I don't like my voice at that age. Or like, I don't want my 21 year old. I don't want my 21 old attitude no or my voice or my yeah no i don't even want my 21 year old body you don't no i was um uh i was definitely naturally thinner you were skinny much like and and really skinny yeah i was and i ate like an animal. Oh, did you? Yeah. And I just didn't gain weight. We're going to talk about weight too.

I mean, I mean, crikey. Crikey. I mean, when we talk about beauty on the show, which I think we'll have lots of different guests of lots of different body types.

Yeah. I think we're going to be really surprised how many people we find have issues with their body that we would never expect. Yeah. And also because for me, skinny is not a, the, my wheelhouse for myself and for those that I desire,

skinny does not enter the picture at all. No, at all. I feel the same way. I don't like skinny. I, especially for guys. I love chubby guys.

Mama, I want to be smothered in your big fat blubbery. I want to look like I'm in a Love Sack commercial. I love big guys. And girls. I mean, love big guys. We're going to take a break. We'll be right back.

Ooh, are these wine glasses crystal? I didn't know HomeSense had such a nice glassware. Hon, wouldn't these be perfect for guests? Did you say crystal? Who do you think is coming over? Well, they're only $20. $20? For a whole set?

Forget the guests. Our anniversary is coming up. We can use these. Deals so good, everyone approves. Only at HomeSense. So I first came to Edward Jones with a great deal of trepidation. When I first met with my advisor, I really was feeling vulnerable about what I would have to share. I was, of course, pleasantly surprised to find that there was absolutely no judgment and a lot of support.

And when it was time to get serious, he really took my hand and helped me to do that. Edward Jones. We do money differently. Visit edwardjones.ca slash different. Hey, you. Yeah, you. Scrolling TikTok and avoiding your chem homework. Cheg here.

Hot take. You've seen enough Bama Rush, ASMR keyboard, and viral dance videos for one day. Let's lock in and start that assignment. If you need a little help, lean on Chegg's expert-supported learning tools. I say this with love. Put on some lo-fi beats and get going with our step-by-step study support. Your weekend will thank you. Small steps today means big wins tomorrow. With Chegg. Subscribe today. You got this. And we are back. Yes, we are. We are going to have a lot of stuff coming up in the show.

We're going to have weekly opportunities to talk about. Mary, we're coming at you every week. Celebrity trends. Yeah. Classic beauty. Yeah. Fashion faux pas. Yeah.

Health and fitness. Yeah. Favorite products. Favorite products. Favorite trends. Oh. Health and fitness. Yeah.

Favorite products. Favorite products. Favorite trends. Oh. And I mean, obviously, I mean, the guests especially, I'm really excited because I think, oh, I keep, I sat on the shade button. Sorry. We know so many talented and beautiful people who are going to have a really cool insight into it.

Like an outrageous amount of access to the most incredibly talented people who often also happen to be incredibly gorgeous. Gorgeous. And I mean, if you're listening to, and you're not like a beauty person, when we're talking about beauty, we're really talking about self-esteem, self-image, trend, fashion, social, like media, social media, television. I mean. And humble. And humble. Don don't forget you're listening to two of the ugliest people anyone's ever seen sitting in my office talking into microphones on my computer so like where else are you gonna hear unqualified people talk about what it's like to be beautiful but you know what you know what i found though this is what it's fun it's called the bald and the beautiful though because it suggests that there's us and then our beautiful

exactly that's that's that's the implication categories two different categories we fit squarely into one and then we yet to come is the the beautiful part we would do i don't know if you remember but in the movie the witches of eastwick so whores yeah veronica part right whores anal intercourse yeah can we swear on this absolutely i don't like being censored in any way i surely the fuck don't either you goddamn cunt i never forget i was i think i was in new york and i was at conde nest doing some piece some piece of press that i'm sure was incredible and i said faggot and they told me I couldn't say it. And I've never remember the feeling

of sitting there in a wig and being told I can't say faggot and being like, who can? Yeah. If I can't right now. Yeah. I mean, don't tell me not to say it because it makes you uncomfortable.

It's for, you know, Bob upstairs. Well, this is the bald and the beautiful and i mean if anybody we're hoping to make this kind of interactive so if you guys want to tweet us with any humiliating beauty stories fails successes also we want questions who and who is your um who is for you the apex the ultimate um, the essence of beauty? Who is your beauty? Maybe from your childhood, from now has it changed? Who represents to you the ultimate, the only in terms of beauty, glamour, and attractiveness?

I think it tells you a lot about a person. Yeah. Give me another one. So Burt Reynolds. Amanda. Amanda. Amanda. Give me another male.

Or give me another guy. Yeah. Give me another guy. Who's just like, just kill me gorgeous. Devastating. Devastating. Yeah. Like just wreck me another male or give me another guy. Yeah. Give me just like, just, just kill me. Devastating. Yeah. Like just wreck this hole and leave it for dead.

Ryan Reynolds. Okay. I mean, I think, Oh, John Krasinski. Okay. Holy shit.

Holy shit. Battering Ram. Yeah. Uh, yes. Um, Donald Glover. Oh yeah.

Okay. Beautiful. Yeah. Um, you'd let him just like stuff it with annihilation and just yeah yeah i would let him fucking stomp me out like a cigarette i'll let him break me like i really throw i would let him i would let him drop a piano on my head if he was like uh i'm really i'll have sex with you but i have this thing where I like to cut people's legs off. I'd be like, I'll get the saw, baby. Like, I'll go for it. I don't care.

I don't care. I would let Tom Hardy come to my family reunion and butcher every last one of my family. And I would watch and jerk off. It all happens. Just let him go to town. He would kiss me on the cheek. Well, do you want to invite people

to subscribe? Yeah, why don't hey listen to hey folks at home why don't you go ahead and press that subscribe button smash that button because we're gonna have new episodes every single week that's 52 episodes a year you better believe it you know i'm just i'm surprised it took us this long to start a podcast no shit well i've been doing uh for almost i think five years five years isn't years? Isn't that crazy? Yeah, it is crazy. But if we really look at the formula, you overworked me completely unstable. It has to be that magic zone where you're not naked in someone's yard

and I'm not on an international tour. Yeah, you have a slight window of availability that I can creep through half-clothes and sweating. If, off the chance, I come home and she's already in my house on an uninvited, naked teeth chattering, I'm like, let's just get a microphone and talk it through. I want to go on a journey and I want the listeners to come in the backseat with us. I am too. I think obviously we're really good at having fun, light conversation, but we accidentally touch on nuggets sometimes in a good way. I don't like to admit we help people, but I think we do.

So we're basically like, you can think about it like this. Like we're, um, we're in the drivers in the past. We're driving a car. You're in the backseat. We're growing cross country over beauty land. How old are you? 23. Okay.

Yeah. And when I'm in a car seat, got it. And you know, um, we're, we're dry. We're,

we're driving, not drunk. And, but every once in a while, we're going to clip some mirrors and we're going to get, you know, and uncover some truths as an avid podcast listener. Let me explain something to you on iTunes and all that.

The algorithm understands likes and reviews. R and R baby. So please subscribe, literally go to the review section. R&R, baby. So please subscribe. Literally go to the review section. I don't care what you write. Actually, I do. I don't care if you write these two fags and you jump off a cliff, but for some reason the algorithm understands, did you know this?

It understands reviews and ratings and likes. Mama, math, numbers. But it could be all negative reviews and I think it still understands it. Really? Well, let's keep it positive. Let's keep it positive. Let's keep it positive.

Keep it beautiful. If you ain't got nothing good to say, why don't you just shut the fuck up and stay the fuck home? Since it's called The Bald and the Beautiful, do you think we should have some kind of like,

stay beautiful? Like sign out? Is that too much? Team too much? I don't know. I'm not sold on that one. Okay, what about different boys? Stay beautiful.

Shine on, bald, and stay beautiful. Shine on. Bye.