The Bald and the Beautiful with Trixie and Katya - Taking an Octopus’ Agency with Patti Harrison & River Ramirez
Episode Date: August 3, 2021Trixie and Katya are joined this week by none other than comedians, actors, and hosts of A Woman's Smile podcast, Patti Harrison and River Ramirez. Sit down, relax, and let the auditory waves wash ove...r your soul as this quartet of excellence cover topics ranging from masturbatory-themed podcasts, serial-killer wombs, and lubrication derived from all-American natural resources. Follow River Ramirez: @PileOfTears Follow Patti Harrison: @Party_Harderson Follow Trixie: @TrixieMattel Follow Katya: @Katya_Zamo To listen to our podcast on YouTube: http://bit.ly/TrixieKatyaYT Don’t forget to subscribe to the podcast for free wherever you're listening or by using this link: http://bit.ly/baldandthebeautifulpodcast If you want to support the show, and get all the episodes ad-free go to https://thebaldandthebeautiful.supercast.com/ If you like the show, telling a friend about it would be helpful! You can text, email, Tweet, or send this link to a friend: http://bit.ly/baldandthebeautifulpodcast Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
Transcript
Discussion (0)
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I'm kind of not the nicest person inherent.
There is, I think I was like, you know, there's a little bit of a darkness.
Yeah, well, I mean, when I said hello to you for the first time, you kicked me in the pussy.
So that was a little, that was tough.
I didn't see that happen once.
I grabbed you by the pussy.
Yeah.
Yeah, I grabbed everyone by the pussy.
And then kick it.
Yeah, and then I kick you.
I'm like, yummy.
And then I'm like, ah, ew, you bitch.
River Ramirez, everybody, and Patty Harrison.
Oh, yeah.
Whoa.
Yay.
Thank you for coming to do our second in-studio pod.
We normally film at my house in my living room,
so you guys got a much better experience than everyone else.
Yay.
And that is a Laff-O-Meter.
Oh, nice.
And it just adds up the laughs.
So keep buying, folks.
Looks like we still have about 1,200 units left.
Those are going like hotcakes.
When I was a kid, I always wanted to be on like home shopping.
Oh yeah, me too.
I always thought it was so glam.
What would you sell?
What would I sell?
Yeah, what would you sell?
It seemed like you were ready to.
Well, I don't wanna listen.
Okay.
I would sell, well, I like it
when they put on those shitty clothes
and it looks good on everyone because it's big.
And like all the women are like.
It's always like a duster.
A duster that you're wearing as clothing.
It's a duster like someone stuck all the way through your throat
and you're like
it's coming out of your ass.
And look at how the duster just comes out of her ass.
And the clothing colors too.
It's like aubergine.
It's like wines.
It's like colors that work on everyone and no one
yeah my mom was really obsessed with um way east cosmetics you know it's like this like
is that a pyramid scheme no way way east like way east like w-e-i way that's her name is way east. But I guess it's like way east. Oh no.
Like how far east?
Oh no!
What did I say?
Don't cancel me.
I don't know what I was saying.
When you say something
cancelable in the studio,
we just pull
and the chair goes
straight back.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And then you go through
one of those like...
And then you have to
eat your own ass.
The chair makes you
eat your own ass.
On camera.
Crying That's absolutely disgusting
That that happens on your show
The fact that you said that eating ass is disgusting
Is cancelable so
Immediately like tantric orgasm
From eating my own ass
at first you're like I would never and then instant
like
oh my god I would never
cut to
I've been building a tantric orgasm
for like three weeks and then it come
all it took was my little tongue to like
get the hip
the suggestion
tongue to ass
not scooby doo to like get the hip the suggestion just breathe on it the suggestion tongue to ass not Scooby Doo
text Avery
text Avery
Scooby Doo
yeah
Scooby Doo
Scooby Doo
ass eating
when he eats
his own ass
yeah
do you remember that
yeah yeah yeah
yeah yeah
I do
I was a big fan
of Scooby Doo
is Scooby Doo
the one that does
solves the crimes
uh huh
with the people the dog the talking dog Uh-huh. With the people?
The dog.
The talking dog.
The talking dog.
Fred, Wilma.
Yeah, and then it's like Shaggy.
The stoner.
Yeah, the dog who hooks up
with the stoner.
Shaggy and Scooby are fucking.
Scooby Doo are fucking.
And that's like absolutely.
And Scrappy.
That's like known.
Scrappy is Scooby's little cousin
who is a puppy,
but also seems to be having sex.
Seems to be having sex, despite it all. And then Velma also seems to be having sex. Seems to be having sex
despite it all.
And then Velma
seems to be having sex.
Velma's Les, right?
Velma.
Velma's Les icon.
No, Velma's a virgin.
No, she's Graves Cock
and she can't get it.
She's wetter dressed.
You bitch.
We're just calling
everyone ugly bitch.
You ugly bitch, Velma.
Oh, you horny bitch Scooby.
I can't see without my glasses.
It's dumb for the monk.
She's looking in the mirror and she sees your ugly bitch.
Oh these glasses.
Velma speaks out after this.
Like writes an expose.
Velma's probably less on Twitter.
I and River have been really bad to me.
Everyone on set
always fingers me
for no reason.
But I'm all
closed up.
So nothing goes
because I'm a cartoon.
Do you hear this?
They haven't drawn it yet.
For years,
I have been begging
the EPs in the writer's room
to draw
me one please write it into the show draw me a pussy so that i can experience penetration
for the first and last time petition.org please sign this petition so that velma can get a pussy
drawn for her can we do that can we like actually have a petition yeah they'll bring it up on the
board great let's do that And then Daphne and Fred
They're fucking right
Yes
Yeah
They've been fucking on and off
I thought they were
Brother and sister
No
No they're fucking
No they're fucking
Wait what other
Have occurred to Cowardly Dog
Were
Were in there
Who's fucking
Who's not fucking
Muriel and you
Sis are fucking
Yeah
Muriel and you
Sis are fucking
But what's not addressed is that they have no children
and they're like pretty old.
And that's what's going on there.
What do you mean what's going on there?
They're a heterosexual married couple.
They're like in their like late 60s,
maybe early 70s.
From what I can gauge about the way they're drawn.
Unless we don't know that it's like a trans couple or something.
That doesn't mean they can't have kids.
Wow.
Why are you saying that?
Are you mean biologically?
I'm saying biologically.
And Muriel is a trans woman.
I didn't say that.
And Eustace is a trans man.
I didn't say that.
Well, then what are they?
Well, I was going to say that Muriel could be a trans woman
and then Eust then could be cis.
So they
could just be
being old together
and never got around. Maybe they met later
in life too.
And then they were like, well I didn't freeze my egg.
They don't have eggs.
They have a farm. They have eggs.
They have eggs. Maybe their parts were ripped out by the mafia.
Yeah,
that could be.
And I was also,
it was a long time ago.
Like that takes place in like courage takes place in like the sixties.
Yeah.
It doesn't take place in the eighties,
the middle of nowhere.
I don't think it takes place in the eighties.
They had access to healthcare.
Have you ever seen courage to Carly?
I have no,
no,
never.
It's really fierce.
That is a good program.
Is it real animals?
It's a cartoon.
It's a cartoon animal.
It's a cartoon.
It's about a dog who's really afraid of stuff
and a bunch of paranormal stuff happens.
And then he lives with an older woman named Muriel
and then an older guy who's really grumpy.
Yeah, the woman's really nice
and the man's really mean.
Yeah.
And the man's like,
so that's why I'm like, he's cis. He's man's really mean. Yeah. And the man's like, so that's why I'm like,
he's cis.
He's cis.
He's aggro.
Unless that he's like,
like trans mask
and just kind of like,
you know,
took in the toxic traits
of masculinity.
Yeah.
He might be like
on his T-climb.
Yeah.
He's experiencing the surge. They could be shooting every costume. He might be like on his T-climb. Yeah. He's experiencing the surge.
They could be shooting every day.
He's like just shot T.
Right.
He gets that rush of like.
That makes sense.
The rage.
Stupid dog.
But he really means like my dad, you know, like a subtext.
Yeah.
And Muriel's so gentle.
I'm like, it feels like you're like very enlightened.
Like you don't seem like just a cis woman. I don't think it's so gentle. I'm like, it feels like you're very enlightened. You don't seem like just a cis woman.
I don't think it's enlightenment, though,
because I also feel like it's trauma.
I feel like she's been bludgeoned by trauma.
Right, right, right.
She's completely conflict-averse, docile, compartmentalizing.
Yes, that's why she dresses her body's covered, head to toe.
Head to toe.
But she also has control over everything.
People love her. When she comes into a room.
She can take control.
Everyone's trying to protect her.
Why is everyone trying to protect Muriel?
And why is the dog named Courage?
I bet she's trying to like remind herself like I got to get out of this relationship.
Yeah.
Yeah.
This is just Lopez and enough.
Yeah.
That's what this is.
Well, the way they animate the house too, there's nothing for Miles either. Yeah, there's nothing. She has no support enough. Yeah. That's what this is. Well, the way they animate the house too, there's nothing for Miles either.
Yeah, there's nothing.
She has no out.
She has no support system.
Yeah.
That's really, it's scary.
Sounds like a depressing cartoon.
Like abusive, maybe.
I also would say that I think Eustace queerbaits a little bit
because he has like all that filler in his shoes.
It's like he's getting work done.
He queerbaits.
He's queerbaiting.
Get out.
He's queerbaiting. He's like getting work done. He's queer. He's queer. Get out. He's queervating.
He's like getting work done to like,
like the way his face,
his face doesn't actually do that.
Every episode you can tell
the cartoons are getting filler.
Yeah.
Can you imagine?
They're real.
They're thread.
There's like thread bruising
on their temple.
He's got the Demi Moore runway face.
Like the.
Oh God, she listens to the pod.
We're getting a letter. Demi's going to write us a letter. She's going to write us a fucking letter. She listens to the pod we're getting a letter
Demi's gonna write us a letter
she's gonna write us a fucking letter
she listens to the pod
yeah
she's a producer actually
Demi Moore
hello
hello Demi
in the
the Charlie's Angels
full throttle movie
where she does all those flips
off of the building
and she lands
she has her two guns
I think Demi Moore
is so Demi Moore is so...
Demi, if you're listening,
I just think you're so hot.
She is.
That's it.
I remember in that movie
the iconic scene of like
she's talking to the Charlie box
and the Charlie's like,
you were a good angel
and she's like all teary eyed
and she goes, no,
I was great.
And then she shoots it.
And also the first time
they see her,
she's on the beach
walking with the surfboard. Yeah. And she gets in the Ferrari time they see her she's on the beach walking with the surfboard yeah and she gets in the ferrarianzo it's like so hot i don't remember
that but i remember her in ghost how about gi jane don't remember her there oh shaved head
shaved head shaved head was good oscar bait snubbed you know what what um i'm like i don't
know if this is like really shitty to bring up
but i used it so i used to think right yeah okay so this is i'm just gonna preface this by saying
this is really shitty so you can't cancel me for whatever i say yeah
i'm gonna say while i'm coming
like a bit and i'm crying like a baby when i come I'm going to say it while I'm coming.
And I'm crying like a baby when I come.
That sucks.
Okay.
So the shitty thing that I want to say is that I remember being young and, like, wanting to be, like, an actor and stuff. And me and my brother would watch a lot of movies.
brother would watch a lot of movies and it seemed like to get an oscar or to get recognized you had to be like like gilbert grade like i am sam you had to play someone with like a developmental
yeah yeah and i used to actually practice that well i don't think that's on you i think that
that you have a monologue prepared that you could maybe
we could do something? Yeah, I imagine.
No, no. Damn.
I'm like,
yeah, I do. I'll do it when
cameras are off. Improvise one.
Your suggestion is
tea.
Tea kettle.
No.
No.
No.
Okay.
I'm not doing anything.
Why don't you do that in your own podcast?
I'm not doing anything.
You know, I remember watching...
The face.
The face.
This is my... This is for, to get an Oscar.
Yeah.
Oh my God.
Yeah, panning.
Mama?
That's it.
That's it.
Well, the mom's dead.
Yeah.
Mama?
Yeah, and then this is the end of the scene.
She's on fire and gone.
There's a car on fire.
I lit my mom on fire, and then I'm like, Mama?
And then it's, like, closed.
Yeah.
Oh.
The Oscar goes to.
A film by Tom Ford.
The Oscar goes to the woman in the car.
Burning to death.
It was a real woman by the way
that we really burned
and she's alive
and she comes on stage
she's still smoking
she's still screaming
she's like
she like runs up
to get the trophy
this is like
smoking
it doesn't even make it
to the end
she dies on stage
I think she gets it
and the music to play
her off is
Alicia Keys that girl's on fire her off is Alicia Keys, That Girl's On Fire.
That girl is...
Alicia Keys is there.
Why?
Fire!
Or maybe she does stop and goes,
This award goes to all the cars who've been on fire who needed their story told.
Toyota, Prius, all of you girls.
I love you so much.
Oh my God.
And Born This Way is blasting.
And then Lady Gaga's like, that's mine!
I'm just so happy award shows are going to be back
now that COVID's over.
I never have seen any of the movies.
And everybody wants to have the parties
and I'm always like, who's winning?
I never watch any of it.
You follow all that shit?
No.
No?
No.
Not into Oscar, Emmy? No. No. winning like i never watch any of that you follow all that shit no no no not into oscar emmy no no i
i always miss it i always feel like it i learn like the day of that it's happening and then i'm
like oh it's today and then i don't have it i don't have like cable tv and i haven't really
like looked into streaming as much i I recently got accounts for streaming services
so that I can watch TV.
What'd you get? Very rich.
Paramount Plus?
I got Oil
Reserve TV.
It just streams
of all the drilling sites.
The fracking sites.
Yeah, Exxon Plus
I did watch this I watched this documentary
that I can't even remember
who it was about but it was about
a marine biologist
and the first
like a pioneering female
marine biologist
was it my octopus teacher?
I was just going to say the guy that fucked the octopus
no but I loved that do you think he fucked the octopus no no but i did i loved that
do you think he fucked it oh yeah of course oh yeah and it destroyed a family so it wouldn't
be on you like he fucks an octopus mama he fucked that octopus and his wife and his son his wife and
his son don't do interviews right his wife's nowhere to be seen i didn't even know he i
thought he was single why is he fucking at the end he's like but he was single. No. At the end. At the end. He's like,
at the end.
But he was there every day?
He strained his relationship
with his family.
Basically,
his,
ignored everybody.
It was like an absent dad
in the water
at six in the morning
in a wetsuit
fucking that octopus.
He's really fucking an octopus?
Well,
yes.
Absolutely.
Well,
knowing men.
Listen,
the way he talked about this.
Anything with a hole.
No, no no no
not the hole
he just
he jerked himself off
what do you think so
my first thought was
does an octopus have a hole
no don't take it
don't take it's agency
I'm not taking
anybody's agency
you took
yeah you did
whose
you took the octopus's agency
you said that he jerked off
with it
like it's not
voluntarily sucking him
no I mean
it like
victim blame victim, I have heard
that sea animals
are like really into
fucking humans and like
seducing them. Especially like dolphins.
It's not all sea animals.
Yeah, goldfish.
Goldfish. But how come we've never seen
plankton?
We've talked about plankton before.
Plankton gets in there whether you like it or not
And there's no consent dynamic
I would say the most
What is plankton?
It's like bacteria
Not bacteria
I fucked a sea sponge, it's victimless crime
Victimless crime
They're like horny
Have you ever been to the ocean?
I was swimming
I was diving and you can't really hear much down there
But I heard a really high like, fuck me.
I looked over.
Sonically, it's picked up.
Like scientists are like, can we clear that up?
They were in the sub and they were like, everywhere, that thing in movies where they get their headphones.
Yeah, they're like, can we just clear it up?
And I saw a clamshell.
I was like.
It was like whining like that.
Oh, my God. It was like explosive. It was like. It was like whining like that. Oh, my God.
It was like explosive.
It was like.
Yeah, the lean in.
It's been so long.
Wow.
And I was like.
All right.
So, I mean, I was already naked.
I was, you know, you scuba dive naked.
Right, right.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And I just.
Well, it's your oxygen tube.
You're like.
Right.
It's in your foreskin.
You like keep a bubble.
I didn't have quite a scuba.
I had the Dyson.
I had the. Oh, yeah. It looked like a scoop. I didn't have quite a scuba. I had the Dyson. I had the,
it looked like a scoop,
you know,
I had that hooked up to my mouth.
Vacuum hooked up to your mouth
but it's dirty
so it's just blowing in the dirt.
It's actually killing me.
Yeah,
you're like,
what in the ocean naked?
It's just killing me.
All right,
let's take a break.
Let's take a break.
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Ooh, are these wine glasses crystal?
I didn't know HomeSense had such nice glassware.
Hon, wouldn't these be perfect for guests?
Did you say crystal?
Who do you think is coming over?
Well, they're only $20.
$20?
For a whole set? Forget the guests. Our anniversary is coming over. Well, they're only $20. $20?
For a whole set?
Forget the guests.
Our anniversary is coming up.
We can use these.
Deals so good,
everyone approves.
Only at HomeSense.
And we're back.
No more sex talk.
No more sex talk.
I hate penetration. That was a lot of sex talk.
Listen.
That was a lot of sex talk.
We're back with the stars of A Woman's Smile.
You guys don't do that podcast anymore.
We haven't done it in years.
Two or three years.
The fans need it.
Yeah, I think you need to do it again.
To live.
We've been wanting to,
and then we've kind of worked on mapping it out
or where it would go.
I think we need help.
Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah, because we love working together,
but I also feel like we're both kind of like scatterbrained.
We're both scatterbrained.
When we were making A Woman's Smile,
we lived like 10 minutes away from each other in Brooklyn,
like a train, a short train ride away.
And even that was a commute.
Yeah.
And I think like now that I live in the West Coast and they're East Coast,
it's like, it's trying to find the time has been like weird.
And then we like left our production company and then was just kind of like,
it's been, we want to.
Yeah.
It's still, it's still there.
It's still there.
I really want you to do it.
We just need someone who can organize it all.
Like a producer, basically.
How did that, so how did that happen?
Like, how did it work?
It was just for fun.
I mean, that's the thing that is also hard to,
it's like when people like it,
people are like, we need it, whatever.
We haven't made any money from it.
And it's so funny. Well, that's what i was gonna ask you about because all those fake ads are so fucking
funny but they don't produce any revenue no no we got i can't just say an ad and the money shows up
there has to be real comfortable we got we didn't have ads later later we got, I think what we got. No cash for food swine.
I got a offer to, no, I got a free box of food from like Hello Fresh.
But I had it sent to someone else because I wasn't in New York then.
And then I think I got sent a very small paycheck at one time.
But it is like, I think, I think the ads were the, it's weird because I've gone back and
like listened to like some of the episodes and there's now there's real ads interspersed
with our fake ads.
They put in Spotify.
Wait, for real?
Yeah.
Wait.
If you listen to it on Spotify.
Oh, I never listened to it on Spotify.
Yeah.
I don't.
I'm like, I feel like we kind of like just.
Well, doesn't Spotify have ads unless you have an account?
So like.
No, I have premium.
I have the Spotify.
Weird.
I pay for it.
So then that means.
No TV.
Huh?
No TV though.
I have a TV, but it's filled with oil.
Okay.
Like natural resources. Like it's filled with oil. Okay. Like natural resources.
Like the natural resource of oil.
I don't know if you saw the footage, but the last time I was out there with those birds.
I was like getting it.
To bring back.
Putting hyaluronic acid or whatever on the skin and then taking the oil and like rubbing it in.
And they're like, remember oil doesn't moisturize
but it can help lock in the moisture
so you have to get wet first.
One of those ducks, like there'll be those duck commercials
with the dawn and there'll be you washing a TV,
like trying to rescue it from the oil in the ocean.
A TV, dying ducks around the TV.
And you're washing the TV and coming.
And coming.
And the ducks are like, why would I do something like that?
From washing a TV in the water.
What is wrong with you?
Because you're nasty.
Everybody knows you're nasty, girl.
No, I never sucked no one.
I never fucked no one.
Everybody knows that you've been sucking off all the shit every time you go out.
Sucking off all the shit?
I see you.
You think I just suck anything I find until I see it coming.
I'm you. I just suck anything I find and toss. I see you.
I invited you over the other day, and then I see you on a stoplight sucking on a stoplight.
Yeah, because I thought it was somebody.
Yeah.
I thought it was somebody.
It ain't somebody, bitch.
Okay, bitch.
That's just a stoplight.
I saw you sucking a stoplight.
Oh, my God.
I saw you sucking on a baby's head, bitch.
Girl, girl, I saw you. It becomes sexy. Girl, I saw you sucking on a stoplight. Oh my God. I saw you sucking on a baby's head, bitch. Girl, girl, I saw you.
It becomes sexy.
Girl, I saw you sucking on a stoplight.
I started rapping.
Sucking on a stoplight.
It ain't right, but still, I think that you are tight.
Hey, girl, I want to get with you.
I need you to suck me too.
Wow.
I hope I made my soulmate through this.
It could happen.
Incredible.
So, who's single?
Who's dating who?
I'm so single.
Are you?
Yeah.
Yeah?
Yeah.
Good.
Are you looking for love?
You found it
yeah
shh
ah
ah
fuck
the front tooth comes out.
My whole front face is out.
The little alien from Men in Black.
By the way, if they made that a Starburst commercial,
I think they'd actually sell more of them.
Yeah.
Like those herbal essences commercials?
What would your dream commercial be?
Any product. Anything. commercial be? Any product.
Anything.
Any product?
Any product that exists.
Yeah, something you actually like.
Or anything.
Oh, and I had to like be in this commercial.
You were the progressive flow of that product.
The face of the campaign.
Or you, what do you think?
I have to, Patty first.
Yeah.
I think it would be like.
More oil.
Swiffer wet gel. I think it would be for medicine oil I think it would be for medicine
of what kind?
any medicine
I think medicine as far as
invention
no no no hear me out you're laughing
stop
I'm close to not
talking anymore because I don't feel like
you're taking me seriously
I think medicine has helped a lot of people and I'm close to not talking anymore because I don't feel like you're taking me seriously. I think medicine has helped a lot of people.
And I'm appreciative of that.
And I think God has a lot to do with that.
But I'm not going to go there right now
because I don't feel that vibe from you.
But I feel like you'd laugh more.
But yeah, maybe a medicine.
Maybe like, I think Zyrtec has helped me a lot.
I think...
I'm supporting you, Patty.
Come over here.
Well, Katherine Heigl did the NyQuil commercial, I think.
And in it, she goes like this.
She's like...
And she's, like, trying to sleep.
She can't sleep.
And she's like...
Instant.
She passes out.
Instant.
She's driving like a blow dart to the neck.
She's gassing it.
She's driving towards the school. Yeah the neck. She's gassing it. She's driving towards the school.
It's a commercial of her crying.
Of her crying, driving,
taking NyQuil by the gallon.
Right before the car hits the building, she
goes to sleep.
She goes to sleep. And when you go
that limp, your body can actually absorb
more shock. So she flies through the windshield.
That kills a lot of the people in the school.
We're not saying what kind of school because you don't know how old anyone in the school is windshield. That kills a lot of the people in the school. We're not saying what kind of school, because you don't know
how old anyone in the school is.
But there are a lot of casualties.
But she lives because her body was
limp. It's like, you know when people get sucked up in
tornadoes and they pass out. Don't fight it.
Yeah, don't fight it. Just go with the flow.
Go with the flow.
Go limp. Go limp.
Go limp, go with the flow. If someone tries to pick you up,
play dead.
Whoa. Go limp. They say that. Go limp. Go with the flow.
If someone tries to pick you up, play dead.
Whoa.
I didn't know we were eating.
Oh yeah.
What about, that should be for the cam under the counter.
Oh, that's good.
Wait, wait, wait.
Do we talk about this?
Is it, could it be possible to do a YouTube channel where you are, you are definitely
masturbating but not like, not like, uh.
Right. Casual. But you're doing a review of makeup or whatever you have, you know, you have like a shtick, but people are really tuning in because you are jerking it.
But maybe not jerking it because you know what?
I'm going to be very vulnerable here, but I don't know.
I don't know if you all do this, but when I'm alone in my room doing anything, I have my hand on my ear.
And I'm like this.
And I'm also like typing things.
But there's no, I'm not masturbating.
Yeah, sure.
My hand is just.
Well, I'm stimulating.
It's just pulling or pulling weight. No, it's just like, yeah. It's just pulling or pulling weight.
No, it's just like, yeah.
It's just resting.
Just like resting.
Yeah.
Well, I feel like if someone did something that was like,
I feel like that's subtle enough that like your videos wouldn't get flagged.
But if you wanted to make a video where you were doing like a makeup tutorial
or you were doing like a haul video and you're like pulling stuff out of the bag
and your other hand was just kind of
doing this and I don't know it depends on how
high the table is but I don't know if that's readable
but what I'm doing is I'm doing this
well yeah and then there'd be
I think that'd be cool there'd be certain
like buzzwords for fall like people who are
really subscribed you know like
today today I got
I got a Nivea
core corrector.
So the social...
Yeah.
And then at the end you pull out the right hand and it's just dripping wet.
And it's like there's shit.
There's shit in it.
There's what?
There's shit in blood.
There's shit in blood.
And then like a ton of oil.
Or it's like tarred and feathered.
Tarred and feathered.
Natural oil.
Oh my God.
What's with you?
Are you into fracking now
and so what if
that's true
and so what if
that is true
that's bad
her maiden name
Exxon
yeah
Exxon fracker
last name
first name
Exxon
last name
wait what is it
last name
ever
first name greatest
I was gonna say last name
first name Exxon
last name mobile.
Well, there's a channel.
Oh, baby.
Oh, baby, Hollywood's been bad to you.
Come back to New York.
Oh, my God.
We need you.
You should see the lower part of my chest.
It's all wrecked up.
Collapsed.
What?
Wood chips.
Wood chips?
Hollywood's made me do awful things
I know girl
I don't know who I am
no you're like
forcing yourself
on the cast director
like you got the role already
you're like
we have to do this
yeah
like please suck off
we have to
and I'm like
taking their clipboard
and I'm like
you weren't even
called in for this
yeah
it was like a production
I drove by
do you need me?
We're not casting for anything.
We're looking for a sound person.
You're like, oh.
Like pressing my tits on the ground.
Putting your fingers through your eyes.
And like your eyeballs are going all the way.
Like they're seeing.
Yes, but then Beetlejuice, she pulls the hands out and the fingers are on them. The eyes going all the way. Like they're seeing. Yes.
But then Beetlejuice, she pulls the hands out and the fingers are on them.
The eyes are on the fingers.
And she says.
And then you do a little Charlie Chaplin tap dance.
Doing that sound.
You bring your own clear pane of glass and then top off and you press up against that.
You're holding the glass too.
Because they don't have windows. You open your holes. So they're like flat like this
like somehow your pelvis it's like flat and then you
On a screen. So it's like when and I don't want to I don't want to be a broken record
But it's like when an octopus latches on right gloppy in a glass
Yeah, you can see the like mouth sphincter attached and then you see the little beak
come out
because they have agency
yeah
you know what I remember
when we were talking
about the octopus thing
I'm like
I know for a fact
guys who live
on farms
fuck
pigs
and
like guys
fuck
the farm animals
yeah
well
they also get fucked
what were the farm animals wearing?
Were they drinking?
They were naked
Yeah and they were probably wearing mini skirts
And drinking
Wearing these you know
Come fuck me
Outfits made of mud
Come fuck me hooves
Like painted nails
Imagine you go to a farm
And you're like yeah right
That pig is a slut Imagine you're like What horrible and you're like, yeah, right. That pig is a slut.
Imagine you're like, what horrible assholes would like fuck a pig?
Like fuck a cow.
You go to a farm.
You're like, oh my God.
They're standing up straight.
Oh my God.
They're like, hey girls.
Hey girls.
Why don't you come up and see me sometime?
And one pig comes over.
There's a pig that comes over and has like really long, beautiful center parted hair.
And she's like, I've heard what you said that like, why would anybody fuck a pig?
And I just want to like, because it's like a Gen Z pig.
So it's gorgeous, but it's like reading all the time.
And it's like, why can't I be both?
Why can't I be both?
Why can't I be both?
They're all wearing shirts that say, why can't I be both?
So you think cows don't read because we're fucking cows? She's like, did you ever think that say, why can't I read? Because we're fucking cows.
She's like, did you ever think that the cow
was fucking the farmhand and not
the other way around? And then like all the
cows come. They're like, yeah, yeah.
Why can't I get some? What? Because I'm
older. Older cows, just what? We get
put out to pasture. They have like stunning hair.
Like they just like hair like this.
Well, that's a cow.
Yeah.
That's a cow yeah they look like that
can I ask can I ask something what what were you saying into the cup um well
it's kind of it's kind of the thing doesn't work because if the string is
not taught then it doesn't so were you unable to hear she was
actually whispering if you can believe it yeah I was I was waiting for the oil
to spill out of my throat into the car so I could just give it to her oh yeah
yeah and you know like booty bumps I was kind of trying in the ear like I had a
shot of sky vodka wait a booty bump you like soak the tampon in alcohol.
No.
You put in your ear though?
That's not a booty bump.
Like a boot chug?
A boot chug?
A butt chug.
A boof chug.
I'm Scottish.
It's a boof chug.
It's a boof chug.
It's a boof chug.
It's a boof chug.
My wife Fiona.
Don't be.
Thank for being here at the world and the beautiful.
Come on down for a match.
Wow.
I get killed by an Irish person outside.
Just completely like,
that's not what we sound like.
Oh no!
But then you like it.
Yeah.
Yeah, that photo was taken a long time ago
and not for this podcast, but you know what?
We're getting some miles out of it.
I will say up close, this texture is a little,
the texture is happening.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I had to recently to do
like a very like high def up close
just the thing of like
lip sync of my face.
I freshly shaved
and put the makeup on.
It was hammer time.
Yeah.
Hammer time.
It looked like cobblestone,
like cobblestone in New England.
Uh-huh.
Tile.
Beautiful.
No.
No.
Old school.
Or like pebble, you know those pebble walkways? Yeah. Tile. Beautiful. No. No. Old school. Or like pebble,
you know those pebble walkways?
Yeah, I love that though.
But on the face.
On the face.
I get that.
I get that.
It's normal.
Yeah.
I look like that.
I mean it.
I get that.
I mean with heavy makeup.
No, like.
I don't,
I try not to,
but heavy makeup always does that.
Yeah.
I think it just depends
because it's like,
it's like,
I feel like there's this weird,
I don't know what the
shave dynamic is,
but it's like,
sometimes when the hair
is like growing
after you shave it
and it creates the raised,
it's like before it breaks through,
I guess,
the skin,
it like creates a bump.
It like bumps.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, and when you're shaving,
your hair's like,
okay, you won the battle,
but not the war.
I'll see you in four hours, babe.
Four fucking hours. I'm still growing. Four fucking hours. I'll see you in four hours babe I'll see
you later four fucking hours it's horrible and I have a lumberjack beard
like it gets to be it's so what is the longest you've ever grown it to it like
Unabomber no not a Unabomber like um probably two it was like big like too
big that that it was white when you it was after you came back from the woods yeah yeah and i looked like i was in the woods yeah you know and uh but it was like
it was so gross like underneath is its own ecosystem like the you know like the um you
know how they say like the forest floor is like dense with all kinds of species and stuff different
levels yeah like nutrients and stuff This was like the forest floor.
Underneath was all this hidden dead skin chunks of like so disgusting.
You think it's hidden?
No, it was hidden.
Well, it's like how do you get like soap and like moisturizer if it's like thick?
Well, you have to.
You have to really go in there.
No, there's like all these products that are like made for the head on your face or the hair on your face.
I don't like that.
Well, the skin on your face.
And we just sit in that for a while.
You just say, I don't like that.
Well, men's scalps are like twice as thick as women's scalps.
And the skin on your face is like half as thick of skin as the rest of your body.
That's why your body skin looks like clean and your face skin will have like veins and stuff.
So you have to use different products because your scalp
can handle like soap. Your face
is the first time I'm hearing that I'm crying.
Oh no!
It was meltdown. Chunks. I'm telling
you. Chunks.
Well hey that's what's great about. Chunks.
And it smelled bad. No.
No it didn't. What were you doing? Why?
I just didn't do anything.
Nothing.
I just, well, there's food in there, but you get that out.
And like, but like, so if you wanted to, so the point is like when I went to shave my
face for the first time smooth, it was several steps because first it was hacking the brush
and then it was contending with all of this like zombified putrid.
It looked good though.
It looked good. I mean, like a certain, at a certain length, the beard was, putrid. It looked good, though. It looked good.
I mean, like, at a certain length,
the beard was, you know.
It looks like,
I'm going to look up a picture
and it's going to look very moisturized
and, like, amazing.
Oh, no, no, no, no.
Plus, you know, gay men,
you can be, like, fucking gross.
And if you get a beard,
people are like, hey.
Yeah, hey, what's up?
You could be missing this part of your face
if there's some hair.
Yeah.
Why is that?
Mustaches.
I don't know why.
For, if, what do you mean, like, people having them? Yeah. Why is that? Mustaches. I don't know why. For if...
What do you mean?
Like people having them?
Yeah.
In general?
I think people can...
Like, am I attracted to that?
Yeah.
Or if...
I think facial hair is attractive.
But mustaches in particular?
No.
Or against?
It really depends.
I think it depends.
There are people that...
It's like if they get too like steampunky with it.
Oh no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
I'm talking about the, no wax, no wax or anything like that.
A handlebar mustache is like trying to get into the room.
What, what?
What, what do you say?
Like with your banging.
Whoa, he's trying to get inside with it.
It's like the mustache with the, was it the curl?
Yeah, it's a waxed
grown
no
the Paul F. Tompkins
is allowed
but that's where we draw
the line right
oh yeah
yeah yeah
but anyone else
it's attached to like
a Ren Faire person
do you know what I mean
yeah it's a costume piece
yeah
but if you
say there's a man
you find attractive
okay so what I will say
is
I don't really
I haven't really
ever found Stanley Tucci that attractive until he played the pedophile murder in Lovely Bones.
And he had the insane mustache.
It was a handlebar?
It's like kind of, yeah.
Okay.
Lovely Bones, great drag name.
Yeah.
I got to watch that.
The Lovely Bones.
Pedophile.
Wait, where is he?
He's the killer in the movie.
And also a pedophile.
But they like,
kind of gave him like,
the,
I think it's like a,
it takes place at a certain time,
but they dress him in a way that kind of like,
all guys with kind of good style dress him.
Hmm.
It's like very,
they like,
the wardrobe person like,
They made him look like,
They made him too stylish.
Like a hamster.
They turned him out.
I think he looks...
He kind of looks attractive to me in that movie.
So you're willing to...
Not his actions,
but the way that he carries himself
and his swagger and his confidence.
He's got that pedo swagger.
Right.
Well, aren't a lot of murderers traditionally like...
They have to have some kind of charm
to draw people in, right?
Because they're like imitating...
You can't come at them like me.
You need to be like, what's his name?
Ted Bundy.
It's part of why he's so deadly is because he was like charming, right?
Oh, yeah.
And the guy in, he asked, you know, he needs some help loading that couch into his van.
Yes.
Buffalo.
Buffalo Bill.
Fake to limp.
He faked to limp.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
He was a model.
He was gorgeous.
He walked for Houston.
No mustache.
I've been listening to Goodbye Horses
a lot
there's like a
demo version of it
it's an amazing song
it's a great song
you know I've been
thinking about
murderers
just cause
I'm
I used to be
very obsessed
with them
and I was
thinking about
Jeffrey Domner
and how Jeffrey
Domner killed
like gay men
but he was gay
and then I was
thinking of the
guys who killed
women
and like did stuff with
their bodies and I'm like it was it repression like that caused that and like will crimes like
that happen again now that we're moving towards like people being more openly themselves like I'm
like what if I'm like what if there was a Ted Bundy now or like a Dahmer now, you know?
Because it was all from like isolation,
repression, like war time.
Like, I don't know.
Dahmer was at Vietnam.
Oh, makes sense.
They did horrible things in Vietnam.
That's not true.
Oh, he wasn't in there?
I'm sure that is true that they did horrible things. He wasn't at Vietnam. Okay, I'm like, I thought. She says they did bad things. I said. Oh, he wasn't in there? No, I'm sure that it's true that they did horrible things.
He wasn't at Vietnam.
Okay, I'm like, I thought...
She says they did bad things.
I said, no, they didn't.
But you know...
They did everything just right.
Okay, wait.
They gave them acrylics.
They gave them pedicures.
There's pictures of people at Vietnam.
Polaroids in Vietnam.
I just want to say that
if the Vietnam War had...
And it is a war,
it's not a conflict.
If the war had not happened, I would not be here.
Ooh.
Interesting point.
I have a really horrible, actually, anecdote
about Richard Ramirez, who was the Night Stalker.
Hot.
Who everyone thought was so hot.
The most horrible crimes, I would say.
You don't think he's hot?
No, I do not think he's hot.
That's good.
Because he was a fucking dickhead.
He was really bad.
That has nothing to do with him being hot.
But he also had love.
You know what?
I really hate that they all had love after they got imprisoned.
Like, they had, like, big loves.
Oh, the women start writing to them.
I was like...
Yeah, he got married in prison, I think. Oh, yeah, the women are like, I saw you on the news. Yeah, I was like, no. No, writing to them. I was like, he got married in prison.
Oh yeah, the women are like, I saw you on the news.
No, no, no, no.
I think you're just misunderstood.
I'm like, that sucks.
No, you're a dickhead.
Yeah.
You're a piece of shit.
Makes me so mad.
It makes me mad there's all these Netflix stuff.
It makes me mad that they kill.
Okay, wait, wait, wait.
I have a horrible story to make you hate him more.
Great.
So he, so, okay, I feel his story was like he was in foster homes he was like abused in
foster homes he was living on the street but also his um uncle apparently his uncle showed him
um pictures of what he did to women while he was in vietnam He was in the war and he would basically kill and torture women, took pictures of that,
brought them back, showed them to...
So that was like the first example of like, this is what you do.
Or like, haha, this is funny when you feel somebody is below you.
And also at the same time, like the atrocities like Americans were doing doing yeah in vietnam just for fun which is
extremely sick well i would like to also i would like to bring it back to the point that if his
uncle didn't do that i would not be here so but you want no way that doesn't make any sense it
makes absolute sense that that part doesn't make sense no because you have nothing to do with
richard ramirez you don't know anything about me.
She brought her 23andMe, and we will go through it on the break.
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Here's my
little brother and it's this baby that has
his head.
What do you think about it?
What do you think about it? You pull it out of your...
Here's my baby brother.
I have like the first
I have the first like working uterus trans
but only produces serial killers yeah yeah like crazy Stewie from Family Guy
proportions but very hot it's like a 3d printer isn't there yeah and they're
like no you can well I want to I will say like I think now that there's all
this I think there's a lot of romanticization
like of like the interest in true crime
and stuff and like especially like hot killers
but I think like
what's interesting to me is the
is like
how
do you reform because it's like
no one is making those
choices because they're like in a good place
it's like
their lives are so fucked up.
It's like all these people who do this shit,
they're all fucked up and they all have crazy trauma,
like that uncle shit.
And it's like they're just not at a place
where they're like, it's like they had no chance in this way
where it's like, oh, it's just made this person
who's completely untethered to,
yeah, that has no concept of.
Disconnected from like humanity, like what they're a part of,
where they're like, I'm going to pray on you.
Yeah.
Which is like crazy.
But I mean, some people, but there's,
there's gotta be people who are like have great parents and a great support
system. We still turn out awful.
The same way you can grow up with a bad situation and grow up, turn out fine.
But I think it's like, I think think it's it's also an environment too yeah and like i think there's that
in it you know people can debate the ethics of it but there's that like hbo documentary from i think
the 90s the child child of rage about that girl the girl who was like it's like this little girl and her
brother her baby brother I think she's like and again don't quote me on it it's
all paraphrase over quoting for years but it's about like it's about this
little girl who's like I think it starts falling her when she's like six or seven
maybe but these people adopt her and her infant brother and i think she's like three at the time when they adopt her but uh the
girl basically you find out she's doing all this horrible shit she's like putting needles in the
cat she's trying to kill her baby brother she's killing baby birds and they're like oh like she
we don't we don't know what's up with her and then they take her to a therapist and this is where
it's kind of problematic because like they're they say at that age people can, you can, like, implant.
If you, like, ask too many leading questions, like, did someone hurt you?
Then it can, like, kind of implant, like, a false memory, whatever.
But what they gathered is that, like, her birth father was, like, molesting her as a baby.
And, like, when they found the baby brother,
his head was flat because he had been laying.
They were not being fed.
They were pooping.
They were pooping?
They were pooping on the ground.
And the father wasn't affectionate with them at all.
So the daughter had had a lack of affection for long enough.
And a lack of affection for long enough. And, like, a lack, like, that basically.
Yeah, lack of care.
Well, it's, like, basically she has, like, she's in lizard brain mode. She has no conscience.
And no love.
Yeah.
That sucks.
Yeah.
And it's, like, the documentary is about them basically putting her in this really rigid therapy program where she, like, build, they build a conscience for her.
where she like build they build a conscience for her and it's like they interview her and she's talking about like mom mom and dad have to rope the door shut at night because i'll i like
i want to kill them with a knife in the dark i want to do it at night but we only saw i feel like
when that came out everyone was like see you can be born as a murderer like you can be born as a murderer. Like, you can be born as a killer. And that was, like, proof.
No, I don't.
That's not what I think it's proving that, like.
No, when that came out before the documentary about it.
Like, just the clip of the girl, like,
because they didn't know that she got molested before.
Oh, you think the documentary, like.
That's newer information.
It's in the documentary.
In Child of Rageage they talk about it
but
about a man
entering
like she draws pictures
of like a man
entering her room at night
and they gather
that the
father
yeah I don't know
about the documentary
but I remember
the
is the documentary new
no it's from
it's like an HBO documentary
from like the 90s
you can watch it on YouTube
it's like a half hour long work have you from like the 90s. You can watch it on YouTube. It's like a half hour long.
Oh.
Work.
Have you guys seen the documentary
about the people obsessed with Tiffany?
Tiffany?
Oh, I.
Tiffany Trump?
The singer?
No, no, no.
The singer.
No, it's called
I Think We're Alone Now.
And it's a documentary.
It's an hour on YouTube.
It's like old.
Somebody put it up there.
But it's following like four people
who are obsessed with Tiffany.
Like I Think We're Alone Now,
the teenage 80s mall singing girl.
And it's like a grown adult people who like psychologically believe that they are best friends with Tiffany and like follow her.
Oh, I hate this.
Some of them have like some of them have like frustrating words.
It's like that because they're like, she means so much to me.
But it's like at a certain point, it's hard to mean too much.
And then it's like, I hate that shit.
It's fierce.
point start to mean too much and then it's like i hate that shit it's fierce i'm only i'm only recently um getting that from strangers people who feel a connection in a how do they let you
know in like from fans yeah but but in a in that in that prose those ways is very sad it makes me
sad yeah because i'm like i would like to connect with you
genuinely but you're scaring me yeah i mean there was this one guy in the documentary who goes i'm
sick and tired of being kicked out of tiffany's life when i'm supposed to be in it it's like so
chilling yeah i love it like the disconnect from yeah any the reality of it. We were talking about, like, I think because,
and I'm sure you deal with this too,
the way that, like, our sense of humor, like, in our comedy
are, like, it's, like, hypersexual, very graphic.
So people that, like, follow us will, like, come up to us
and say really, like, hypersexual stuff.
I'm sure I don't know what you mean.
I have no idea what you're talking about.
In a way that's like very, it's like boundary crossing when it's like a,
where I haven't even,
I don't even have the context that I know that this person like likes my comedy.
People will just come up and they'll just like say something like really nasty.
And I'm like, that's, it's scary.
It's like, oh no, like you're a stranger to me. it's just like oh I have this we have this closeness and I
think that's kind of what social media does is like makes people feel like
they're just like a touch away from you and they're getting more of your
personal life so they feel like they know you better but it is very like
scary it's also like boundaries have you ever heard of boundaries? Like these people?
Some of these folks have not,
especially when I was rushed in an airport shop
and someone was cried at for like 10 minutes.
Cried at?
That's hard.
People cry at us all the time.
Charged.
I was charged at me.
Why?
Like laying stuff on you?
Like therapy?
We have meet and greets
like on tour.
It's like you're in their care.
Yeah.
I'm not a mental health professional.
They're in your care.
I am the crazy person.
You back away.
You know what I mean?
Yeah, yeah.
So strange.
I'm like,
I need to be taken care of.
Yeah.
I need guidance.
People cry from the excitement,
which is something,
but a lot of times for us,
it's like cathartic
where something with their trauma,
they see in our trauma
and they connect it kind of without our permission.
And then in person, the floodgates just open.
But I'm talking like off-duty, out of drag,
not at a gig, no excitement.
You know what I mean?
I'm like, this is like I'm at a Burger King
and somebody taps you on the, and then...
And they're crying?
Yeah.
It's so fascinating to me.
It's such a thin, it's like you are now like,
you have to kind of like,
I guess it's like a very thin line of,
if you actually communicated what you feel in that moment,
you risk being like, oh shh.
I met them and they were fucking awful.
Even though I was like pushing my way into their car,
like trying to-
Oh, yes. she dragged me down
the block for three miles yeah yeah you know it's crazy i saw your i saw on your instagram story
that you were at the neiman marcus so i have i i drove yeah i jumped the median and drove down the
highway yeah i divorced my husband just to come here. Can you say happy birthday to Sarah? Totally. Yeah. It's crazy because it's like, oh, this is what, this is also like, oh, you think you're showing me love this way?
It's like, no, actually, really think about it.
It's like, please show me love and care as you would someone you actually love.
And it's like, is this how you're treating people you love?
Because that's not good. I know. If I saw
Julia Roberts at like the
Sparrows or whatever in the mall.
God forbid.
She works there.
She's a shift. And she's having a hard time.
She's not pulling her weight.
To be fair.
And she's listening to this. She's like, I actually like it when people
come up to me because it makes me feel alive.
I want to live. She's like, I actually like it when people come up to me because it makes me feel alive and like I want to live.
She's like, I haven't been called that in years.
Did you say Julia Roberts?
Yeah, I'm like, people call me a Tony here.
Yeah, the name takes us.
They're like, Tony, come on, get a face mask.
She looks beautiful.
She has an accent to them.
OK, I'm coming.
I'm coming, I'm coming.
Oh, God, it's so hard to be undercover.
It's just gorgeous
Julia Roberts
With a mustache
And a Tony
You want a Tony
Big mistake
Huge
Oh my god
She's like
She's like wrestling
With the pizza
And then like
Her pills fall out
And her testosterone
Like needle
And she's like
And then the boss is like
Her testosterone needle
What's going on with you Tony
It's like a movie
The testosterone needle Falls down Prick's going on with you, Tony? It's like a movie that testosterone needle
falls down
prick first in the floor
like bang.
What the fuck
is that, Tony?
It injects it into the floor
and then the floor's like
all right.
Or better yet,
they're fighting over it
and it gets thrown
and it hits Brittany
in the neck
and just instant beard.
Full beard.
Brittany?
Another employee.
She's not the only person
who works there.
We said free Brittany earlier and I didn't know if you were. Oh, maybe she's not the only person who works there we said free Britney earlier
and I didn't know
if you were
oh maybe she's escaped
to the Sbarro
yeah
yeah
yeah
I'm clear
yeah
I just joined in
yeah
listen if Julia works there
Britney could work there
yeah
right
it could happen
right right
who else works there
Neil Patrick Harris
is the shift manager
on the weekends
as Shayla Neil Patrick Harris is the shift manager on the weekends. As Shayla.
Neil Patrick Harris as Shayla.
Julia Roberts as Tony.
Britney Spears as...
Mauricio.
Mauricio.
And Tony Danza.
No, wait, what's his name?
Antonio Banderas.
Tony Danza.
And Tony and Ted...
Ted Danson is the delivery driver.
And Ted Danson in blackface like he did
in that photo that everyone can look up.
Oh, God.
Have you looked up that photo?
I believe I have seen it.
Ted Danson is like...
Cheers.
He was...
Yeah, he was like very tall,
super white hair.
You'd know if you saw him.
He dated Whoopi Goldberg
for a spell.
He dated Whoopi Goldberg.
Yeah.
And she said it was okay.
And he did it
in public.
For her
like for her
birthday.
Yeah.
Imagine your boyfriend
being in like
blackface
being like
happy birthday
honey
I love you
see look at that smile
but was it the 80s
look at that smile
it was the 80s
she loves it
it was the 80s
in the 80s
they were probably like
that is so funny
so funny
you are killing it
you should be on
Saturday Night Live
you should be
you should do that
in public
you should win for office.
Well, I think that's it.
Oh, wait, wait.
Do you have anything to plug?
I don't know about like,
don't knock on the table,
but with COVID stuff,
but I'm starting to up my monthly show at Largo again.
I tried to get into your shit show.
I tried to buy tickets online.
Well. Hello, I
eat my own shit. It sold out. No shit.
Well, which is nice, but
it's a monthly show.
She said, sorry, Flop. Better luck next time.
I tried to buy tickets.
I don't even call anybody a flop.
Not even a dolphin.
Or a shoe.
The show's called Me. Not even a dolphin. Or a shoe. Wait, wait.
The show's called Me?
Well, I think it's going to change every month.
Right now, it's Me.
I've been eating my own shit.
My own shit.
Say it louder.
Yes.
Me.
I've been eating my own shit.
But can you say it with, like, you know,
because you chose the name, like Strength.
I mean, you put the name on the flyer.
You're going to sell it.
Wait, wait, can I be the radio station?
And that was Baby, You Got Back.
Now a quick announcement from Batty Harrison
about her one woman show show thingy.
Hey gamers, do you like
shemale comedy? Then turn out.
It's
It's July 28th
at 8pm
at the Largo at the Coronet
And what is it called?
What's it called?
Hey, faggot, listen up. It's called
Me, I've Been Eating My Own Shit.
A new monthly show that won't be called that every time.
I would love to be calling it Hey, Faggot.
Maybe that's the next one.
It's Italian for friend.
And now back to regular programming.
Okay.
I was fingering myself at the end of the road, and that's when I saw my love.
And that was fingering myself at the end of the road by Fergie.
It's just that.
It's Fergie.
Fergie lost her voice.
I'm Fergie.
I am Fergie.
I didn't know you could do her.
Yeah.
I am Fergie.
Don't forget the power I have.
Do you have anything you want to plug?
We sell things here.
We sell things.
Yeah, yeah.
I have a show that I'm doing.
I'm going to be doing at the Little Island Festival August 15th.
And that I'll be performing around New York.
And it's just like a one-person show.
So keep your eyes out for that on my Insta and tweeters at pile of tears.
Other than that, I'm just kind of trying to rest.
Nice.
Nice.
Catch them resting.
We didn't even get to talk about're getting booted off of Twitter for um
we don't need to
it's okay
it's okay
it's okay
wait why
why
I just
I made it
she weaponized
the cookie
um
what did you do
cookie monster
I did that thing
where you change your
your name to like
a real company
but cause I'm verified
it looks real
and then I said like
a bunch of like
biphobic and transphobic stuff.
Biphobic.
Yeah.
And then I got kicked off.
But that's like, it's fine.
I think I wanted to get kicked off.
I was like done on Twitter.
Yeah, I tried to tag you and I was like, you're gone.
If you wanted to get away with it, you would have done it on Facebook.
Yeah.
If you wanted to get away with biphobic and transphobic slurs,
you could have just done it on Facebook.
Well, it's like your password has to be like Bi erasure is not real
Fierce
And I agree
You know who's bi? Barney
I see it
Did you notice?
The purple dinosaur
I remember
Don't you remember him coming out and being like
I'm bi
I'm bi if anyone wants to hook up later
Yeah, and then the show began
But I was like you still have to be hot
Also, it's not like a pedophilia thing cuz Barney's like nine years right right Barton Barney's a kid
Just like a bi kid who's like strong in his... Just a huge
young dinosaur. I remember being a kid and like, remember
the, I remember people's parents would be like,
Barney's gay, that's why he's purple. Remember purple
Tiki Wiki was gay? Right, yeah, I was gay.
Why is purple gay? But then all the parents loved
Prince. I don't get that.
All the parents are like, oh my god, Prince!
Like, dads, moms.
But then they're like, ew, purple's gay.
It's like, you see any pictures of your parents before,
it's like, you all looked gay.
You all had crop tops.
Well, people who are that,
who are like dumb enough to say something like that
also aren't smart enough to like see the,
how things are like at odds.
Like people loving like Queen and Elton John
and all that shit.
And them just being like homophobic.
It's like all the like homophobic kids at my school
were like blasting crocodile.
Maybe not crocodile.
Earlier today at your school.
Earlier today at my technical school.
Yeah, I'm going to,
I'm actually going to vocational school
for underwater welding.
Yeah, they're like, fuck you fag.
Elton's super loud
and then we're like
right after
yes
yes
giving it all
they're like
fuck you faggot
and then they turn
and they have
threading bruises
threading
bruises
you're a faggot
they wear a chromomatica Oreo.
Their filler's like drifting downward.
You see it?
They have this little lump.
Their filler's dripping down.
All right.
Well, on that note.
Oh, bye.
Bye.
Bye.
You make sure it is not real.