The Bald and the Beautiful with Trixie and Katya - Taking an Octopus’ Agency with Patti Harrison & River Ramirez

Episode Date: August 3, 2021

Trixie and Katya are joined this week by none other than comedians, actors, and hosts of A Woman's Smile podcast, Patti Harrison and River Ramirez. Sit down, relax, and let the auditory waves wash ove...r your soul as this quartet of excellence cover topics ranging from masturbatory-themed podcasts, serial-killer wombs, and lubrication derived from all-American natural resources. Follow River Ramirez: @PileOfTears Follow Patti Harrison: @Party_Harderson Follow Trixie: @TrixieMattel Follow Katya: @Katya_Zamo To listen to our podcast on YouTube: http://bit.ly/TrixieKatyaYT Don’t forget to subscribe to the podcast for free wherever you're listening or by using this link: http://bit.ly/baldandthebeautifulpodcast If you want to support the show, and get all the episodes ad-free go to https://thebaldandthebeautiful.supercast.com/ If you like the show, telling a friend about it would be helpful! You can text, email, Tweet, or send this link to a friend: http://bit.ly/baldandthebeautifulpodcast Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Transcript
Discussion (0)
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Starting point is 00:00:44 Eligibility and member terms apply. I'm kind of not the nicest person inherent. There is, I think I was like, you know, there's a little bit of a darkness. Yeah, well, I mean, when I said hello to you for the first time, you kicked me in the pussy. So that was a little, that was tough. I didn't see that happen once. I grabbed you by the pussy. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:01:08 Yeah, I grabbed everyone by the pussy. And then kick it. Yeah, and then I kick you. I'm like, yummy. And then I'm like, ah, ew, you bitch. River Ramirez, everybody, and Patty Harrison. Oh, yeah. Whoa.
Starting point is 00:01:24 Yay. Thank you for coming to do our second in-studio pod. We normally film at my house in my living room, so you guys got a much better experience than everyone else. Yay. And that is a Laff-O-Meter. Oh, nice. And it just adds up the laughs.
Starting point is 00:01:38 So keep buying, folks. Looks like we still have about 1,200 units left. Those are going like hotcakes. When I was a kid, I always wanted to be on like home shopping. Oh yeah, me too. I always thought it was so glam. What would you sell? What would I sell?
Starting point is 00:01:50 Yeah, what would you sell? It seemed like you were ready to. Well, I don't wanna listen. Okay. I would sell, well, I like it when they put on those shitty clothes and it looks good on everyone because it's big. And like all the women are like.
Starting point is 00:02:03 It's always like a duster. A duster that you're wearing as clothing. It's a duster like someone stuck all the way through your throat and you're like it's coming out of your ass. And look at how the duster just comes out of her ass. And the clothing colors too. It's like aubergine.
Starting point is 00:02:21 It's like wines. It's like colors that work on everyone and no one yeah my mom was really obsessed with um way east cosmetics you know it's like this like is that a pyramid scheme no way way east like way east like w-e-i way that's her name is way east. But I guess it's like way east. Oh no. Like how far east? Oh no! What did I say? Don't cancel me.
Starting point is 00:02:52 I don't know what I was saying. When you say something cancelable in the studio, we just pull and the chair goes straight back. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then you go through
Starting point is 00:02:58 one of those like... And then you have to eat your own ass. The chair makes you eat your own ass. On camera. Crying That's absolutely disgusting That that happens on your show
Starting point is 00:03:14 The fact that you said that eating ass is disgusting Is cancelable so Immediately like tantric orgasm From eating my own ass at first you're like I would never and then instant like oh my god I would never cut to
Starting point is 00:03:33 I've been building a tantric orgasm for like three weeks and then it come all it took was my little tongue to like get the hip the suggestion tongue to ass not scooby doo to like get the hip the suggestion just breathe on it the suggestion tongue to ass not Scooby Doo text Avery
Starting point is 00:03:49 text Avery Scooby Doo yeah Scooby Doo Scooby Doo ass eating when he eats his own ass
Starting point is 00:03:56 yeah do you remember that yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah I do I was a big fan of Scooby Doo is Scooby Doo
Starting point is 00:04:01 the one that does solves the crimes uh huh with the people the dog the talking dog Uh-huh. With the people? The dog. The talking dog. The talking dog. Fred, Wilma.
Starting point is 00:04:09 Yeah, and then it's like Shaggy. The stoner. Yeah, the dog who hooks up with the stoner. Shaggy and Scooby are fucking. Scooby Doo are fucking. And that's like absolutely. And Scrappy.
Starting point is 00:04:18 That's like known. Scrappy is Scooby's little cousin who is a puppy, but also seems to be having sex. Seems to be having sex, despite it all. And then Velma also seems to be having sex. Seems to be having sex despite it all. And then Velma seems to be having sex.
Starting point is 00:04:28 Velma's Les, right? Velma. Velma's Les icon. No, Velma's a virgin. No, she's Graves Cock and she can't get it. She's wetter dressed. You bitch.
Starting point is 00:04:41 We're just calling everyone ugly bitch. You ugly bitch, Velma. Oh, you horny bitch Scooby. I can't see without my glasses. It's dumb for the monk. She's looking in the mirror and she sees your ugly bitch. Oh these glasses.
Starting point is 00:04:57 Velma speaks out after this. Like writes an expose. Velma's probably less on Twitter. I and River have been really bad to me. Everyone on set always fingers me for no reason. But I'm all
Starting point is 00:05:12 closed up. So nothing goes because I'm a cartoon. Do you hear this? They haven't drawn it yet. For years, I have been begging the EPs in the writer's room
Starting point is 00:05:24 to draw me one please write it into the show draw me a pussy so that i can experience penetration for the first and last time petition.org please sign this petition so that velma can get a pussy drawn for her can we do that can we like actually have a petition yeah they'll bring it up on the board great let's do that And then Daphne and Fred They're fucking right Yes Yeah
Starting point is 00:05:46 They've been fucking on and off I thought they were Brother and sister No No they're fucking No they're fucking Wait what other Have occurred to Cowardly Dog
Starting point is 00:05:57 Were Were in there Who's fucking Who's not fucking Muriel and you Sis are fucking Yeah Muriel and you
Starting point is 00:06:03 Sis are fucking But what's not addressed is that they have no children and they're like pretty old. And that's what's going on there. What do you mean what's going on there? They're a heterosexual married couple. They're like in their like late 60s, maybe early 70s.
Starting point is 00:06:18 From what I can gauge about the way they're drawn. Unless we don't know that it's like a trans couple or something. That doesn't mean they can't have kids. Wow. Why are you saying that? Are you mean biologically? I'm saying biologically. And Muriel is a trans woman.
Starting point is 00:06:34 I didn't say that. And Eustace is a trans man. I didn't say that. Well, then what are they? Well, I was going to say that Muriel could be a trans woman and then Eust then could be cis. So they could just be
Starting point is 00:06:51 being old together and never got around. Maybe they met later in life too. And then they were like, well I didn't freeze my egg. They don't have eggs. They have a farm. They have eggs. They have eggs. Maybe their parts were ripped out by the mafia. Yeah,
Starting point is 00:07:06 that could be. And I was also, it was a long time ago. Like that takes place in like courage takes place in like the sixties. Yeah. It doesn't take place in the eighties, the middle of nowhere. I don't think it takes place in the eighties.
Starting point is 00:07:19 They had access to healthcare. Have you ever seen courage to Carly? I have no, no, never. It's really fierce. That is a good program. Is it real animals?
Starting point is 00:07:27 It's a cartoon. It's a cartoon animal. It's a cartoon. It's about a dog who's really afraid of stuff and a bunch of paranormal stuff happens. And then he lives with an older woman named Muriel and then an older guy who's really grumpy. Yeah, the woman's really nice
Starting point is 00:07:42 and the man's really mean. Yeah. And the man's like, so that's why I'm like, he's cis. He's man's really mean. Yeah. And the man's like, so that's why I'm like, he's cis. He's cis. He's aggro. Unless that he's like,
Starting point is 00:07:50 like trans mask and just kind of like, you know, took in the toxic traits of masculinity. Yeah. He might be like on his T-climb.
Starting point is 00:08:03 Yeah. He's experiencing the surge. They could be shooting every costume. He might be like on his T-climb. Yeah. He's experiencing the surge. They could be shooting every day. He's like just shot T. Right. He gets that rush of like. That makes sense. The rage.
Starting point is 00:08:14 Stupid dog. But he really means like my dad, you know, like a subtext. Yeah. And Muriel's so gentle. I'm like, it feels like you're like very enlightened. Like you don't seem like just a cis woman. I don't think it's so gentle. I'm like, it feels like you're very enlightened. You don't seem like just a cis woman. I don't think it's enlightenment, though, because I also feel like it's trauma.
Starting point is 00:08:31 I feel like she's been bludgeoned by trauma. Right, right, right. She's completely conflict-averse, docile, compartmentalizing. Yes, that's why she dresses her body's covered, head to toe. Head to toe. But she also has control over everything. People love her. When she comes into a room. She can take control.
Starting point is 00:08:48 Everyone's trying to protect her. Why is everyone trying to protect Muriel? And why is the dog named Courage? I bet she's trying to like remind herself like I got to get out of this relationship. Yeah. Yeah. This is just Lopez and enough. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:09:01 That's what this is. Well, the way they animate the house too, there's nothing for Miles either. Yeah, there's nothing. She has no support enough. Yeah. That's what this is. Well, the way they animate the house too, there's nothing for Miles either. Yeah, there's nothing. She has no out. She has no support system. Yeah. That's really, it's scary. Sounds like a depressing cartoon.
Starting point is 00:09:12 Like abusive, maybe. I also would say that I think Eustace queerbaits a little bit because he has like all that filler in his shoes. It's like he's getting work done. He queerbaits. He's queerbaiting. Get out. He's queerbaiting. He's like getting work done. He's queer. He's queer. Get out. He's queervating.
Starting point is 00:09:25 He's like getting work done to like, like the way his face, his face doesn't actually do that. Every episode you can tell the cartoons are getting filler. Yeah. Can you imagine? They're real.
Starting point is 00:09:35 They're thread. There's like thread bruising on their temple. He's got the Demi Moore runway face. Like the. Oh God, she listens to the pod. We're getting a letter. Demi's going to write us a letter. She's going to write us a fucking letter. She listens to the pod we're getting a letter Demi's gonna write us a letter
Starting point is 00:09:46 she's gonna write us a fucking letter she listens to the pod yeah she's a producer actually Demi Moore hello hello Demi in the
Starting point is 00:09:56 the Charlie's Angels full throttle movie where she does all those flips off of the building and she lands she has her two guns I think Demi Moore is so Demi Moore is so...
Starting point is 00:10:05 Demi, if you're listening, I just think you're so hot. She is. That's it. I remember in that movie the iconic scene of like she's talking to the Charlie box and the Charlie's like,
Starting point is 00:10:16 you were a good angel and she's like all teary eyed and she goes, no, I was great. And then she shoots it. And also the first time they see her, she's on the beach
Starting point is 00:10:24 walking with the surfboard. Yeah. And she gets in the Ferrari time they see her she's on the beach walking with the surfboard yeah and she gets in the ferrarianzo it's like so hot i don't remember that but i remember her in ghost how about gi jane don't remember her there oh shaved head shaved head shaved head was good oscar bait snubbed you know what what um i'm like i don't know if this is like really shitty to bring up but i used it so i used to think right yeah okay so this is i'm just gonna preface this by saying this is really shitty so you can't cancel me for whatever i say yeah i'm gonna say while i'm coming like a bit and i'm crying like a baby when i come I'm going to say it while I'm coming.
Starting point is 00:11:08 And I'm crying like a baby when I come. That sucks. Okay. So the shitty thing that I want to say is that I remember being young and, like, wanting to be, like, an actor and stuff. And me and my brother would watch a lot of movies. brother would watch a lot of movies and it seemed like to get an oscar or to get recognized you had to be like like gilbert grade like i am sam you had to play someone with like a developmental yeah yeah and i used to actually practice that well i don't think that's on you i think that that you have a monologue prepared that you could maybe we could do something? Yeah, I imagine.
Starting point is 00:11:48 No, no. Damn. I'm like, yeah, I do. I'll do it when cameras are off. Improvise one. Your suggestion is tea. Tea kettle. No.
Starting point is 00:12:04 No. No. Okay. I'm not doing anything. Why don't you do that in your own podcast? I'm not doing anything. You know, I remember watching... The face.
Starting point is 00:12:23 The face. This is my... This is for, to get an Oscar. Yeah. Oh my God. Yeah, panning. Mama? That's it. That's it.
Starting point is 00:12:41 Well, the mom's dead. Yeah. Mama? Yeah, and then this is the end of the scene. She's on fire and gone. There's a car on fire. I lit my mom on fire, and then I'm like, Mama? And then it's, like, closed.
Starting point is 00:12:54 Yeah. Oh. The Oscar goes to. A film by Tom Ford. The Oscar goes to the woman in the car. Burning to death. It was a real woman by the way that we really burned
Starting point is 00:13:06 and she's alive and she comes on stage she's still smoking she's still screaming she's like she like runs up to get the trophy this is like
Starting point is 00:13:15 smoking it doesn't even make it to the end she dies on stage I think she gets it and the music to play her off is Alicia Keys that girl's on fire her off is Alicia Keys, That Girl's On Fire.
Starting point is 00:13:27 That girl is... Alicia Keys is there. Why? Fire! Or maybe she does stop and goes, This award goes to all the cars who've been on fire who needed their story told. Toyota, Prius, all of you girls. I love you so much.
Starting point is 00:13:40 Oh my God. And Born This Way is blasting. And then Lady Gaga's like, that's mine! I'm just so happy award shows are going to be back now that COVID's over. I never have seen any of the movies. And everybody wants to have the parties and I'm always like, who's winning?
Starting point is 00:14:00 I never watch any of it. You follow all that shit? No. No? No. Not into Oscar, Emmy? No. No. winning like i never watch any of that you follow all that shit no no no not into oscar emmy no no i i always miss it i always feel like it i learn like the day of that it's happening and then i'm like oh it's today and then i don't have it i don't have like cable tv and i haven't really
Starting point is 00:14:20 like looked into streaming as much i I recently got accounts for streaming services so that I can watch TV. What'd you get? Very rich. Paramount Plus? I got Oil Reserve TV. It just streams of all the drilling sites.
Starting point is 00:14:41 The fracking sites. Yeah, Exxon Plus I did watch this I watched this documentary that I can't even remember who it was about but it was about a marine biologist and the first like a pioneering female
Starting point is 00:14:57 marine biologist was it my octopus teacher? I was just going to say the guy that fucked the octopus no but I loved that do you think he fucked the octopus no no but i did i loved that do you think he fucked it oh yeah of course oh yeah and it destroyed a family so it wouldn't be on you like he fucks an octopus mama he fucked that octopus and his wife and his son his wife and his son don't do interviews right his wife's nowhere to be seen i didn't even know he i thought he was single why is he fucking at the end he's like but he was single. No. At the end. At the end. He's like,
Starting point is 00:15:25 at the end. But he was there every day? He strained his relationship with his family. Basically, his, ignored everybody. It was like an absent dad
Starting point is 00:15:32 in the water at six in the morning in a wetsuit fucking that octopus. He's really fucking an octopus? Well, yes. Absolutely.
Starting point is 00:15:40 Well, knowing men. Listen, the way he talked about this. Anything with a hole. No, no no no not the hole he just
Starting point is 00:15:46 he jerked himself off what do you think so my first thought was does an octopus have a hole no don't take it don't take it's agency I'm not taking anybody's agency
Starting point is 00:15:54 you took yeah you did whose you took the octopus's agency you said that he jerked off with it like it's not voluntarily sucking him
Starting point is 00:16:01 no I mean it like victim blame victim, I have heard that sea animals are like really into fucking humans and like seducing them. Especially like dolphins. It's not all sea animals.
Starting point is 00:16:16 Yeah, goldfish. Goldfish. But how come we've never seen plankton? We've talked about plankton before. Plankton gets in there whether you like it or not And there's no consent dynamic I would say the most What is plankton?
Starting point is 00:16:32 It's like bacteria Not bacteria I fucked a sea sponge, it's victimless crime Victimless crime They're like horny Have you ever been to the ocean? I was swimming I was diving and you can't really hear much down there
Starting point is 00:16:44 But I heard a really high like, fuck me. I looked over. Sonically, it's picked up. Like scientists are like, can we clear that up? They were in the sub and they were like, everywhere, that thing in movies where they get their headphones. Yeah, they're like, can we just clear it up? And I saw a clamshell. I was like.
Starting point is 00:17:03 It was like whining like that. Oh, my God. It was like explosive. It was like. It was like whining like that. Oh, my God. It was like explosive. It was like. Yeah, the lean in. It's been so long. Wow. And I was like.
Starting point is 00:17:11 All right. So, I mean, I was already naked. I was, you know, you scuba dive naked. Right, right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I just. Well, it's your oxygen tube. You're like.
Starting point is 00:17:20 Right. It's in your foreskin. You like keep a bubble. I didn't have quite a scuba. I had the Dyson. I had the. Oh, yeah. It looked like a scoop. I didn't have quite a scuba. I had the Dyson. I had the, it looked like a scoop, you know,
Starting point is 00:17:27 I had that hooked up to my mouth. Vacuum hooked up to your mouth but it's dirty so it's just blowing in the dirt. It's actually killing me. Yeah, you're like, what in the ocean naked?
Starting point is 00:17:37 It's just killing me. All right, let's take a break. Let's take a break. Okay. When you earn two times more points on things that matter to you and your business, easily track those business expenses and experience flexible Aventura rewards, you'll realize how much more rewarding your hustle can be. Get up to $1,800 in value when you apply for the CIBC Aventura Visa for Business at CIBC.com slash Aventura Business. Terms and conditions apply. Looking for a path to accelerate your career?
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Starting point is 00:18:52 I didn't know HomeSense had such nice glassware. Hon, wouldn't these be perfect for guests? Did you say crystal? Who do you think is coming over? Well, they're only $20. $20? For a whole set? Forget the guests. Our anniversary is coming over. Well, they're only $20. $20? For a whole set?
Starting point is 00:19:08 Forget the guests. Our anniversary is coming up. We can use these. Deals so good, everyone approves. Only at HomeSense. And we're back. No more sex talk.
Starting point is 00:19:20 No more sex talk. I hate penetration. That was a lot of sex talk. Listen. That was a lot of sex talk. We're back with the stars of A Woman's Smile. You guys don't do that podcast anymore. We haven't done it in years. Two or three years.
Starting point is 00:19:33 The fans need it. Yeah, I think you need to do it again. To live. We've been wanting to, and then we've kind of worked on mapping it out or where it would go. I think we need help. Yeah. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:19:46 Yeah, because we love working together, but I also feel like we're both kind of like scatterbrained. We're both scatterbrained. When we were making A Woman's Smile, we lived like 10 minutes away from each other in Brooklyn, like a train, a short train ride away. And even that was a commute. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:20:05 And I think like now that I live in the West Coast and they're East Coast, it's like, it's trying to find the time has been like weird. And then we like left our production company and then was just kind of like, it's been, we want to. Yeah. It's still, it's still there. It's still there. I really want you to do it.
Starting point is 00:20:26 We just need someone who can organize it all. Like a producer, basically. How did that, so how did that happen? Like, how did it work? It was just for fun. I mean, that's the thing that is also hard to, it's like when people like it, people are like, we need it, whatever.
Starting point is 00:20:43 We haven't made any money from it. And it's so funny. Well, that's what i was gonna ask you about because all those fake ads are so fucking funny but they don't produce any revenue no no we got i can't just say an ad and the money shows up there has to be real comfortable we got we didn't have ads later later we got, I think what we got. No cash for food swine. I got a offer to, no, I got a free box of food from like Hello Fresh. But I had it sent to someone else because I wasn't in New York then. And then I think I got sent a very small paycheck at one time. But it is like, I think, I think the ads were the, it's weird because I've gone back and
Starting point is 00:21:28 like listened to like some of the episodes and there's now there's real ads interspersed with our fake ads. They put in Spotify. Wait, for real? Yeah. Wait. If you listen to it on Spotify. Oh, I never listened to it on Spotify.
Starting point is 00:21:45 Yeah. I don't. I'm like, I feel like we kind of like just. Well, doesn't Spotify have ads unless you have an account? So like. No, I have premium. I have the Spotify. Weird.
Starting point is 00:21:56 I pay for it. So then that means. No TV. Huh? No TV though. I have a TV, but it's filled with oil. Okay. Like natural resources. Like it's filled with oil. Okay. Like natural resources.
Starting point is 00:22:05 Like the natural resource of oil. I don't know if you saw the footage, but the last time I was out there with those birds. I was like getting it. To bring back. Putting hyaluronic acid or whatever on the skin and then taking the oil and like rubbing it in. And they're like, remember oil doesn't moisturize but it can help lock in the moisture so you have to get wet first.
Starting point is 00:22:28 One of those ducks, like there'll be those duck commercials with the dawn and there'll be you washing a TV, like trying to rescue it from the oil in the ocean. A TV, dying ducks around the TV. And you're washing the TV and coming. And coming. And the ducks are like, why would I do something like that? From washing a TV in the water.
Starting point is 00:22:49 What is wrong with you? Because you're nasty. Everybody knows you're nasty, girl. No, I never sucked no one. I never fucked no one. Everybody knows that you've been sucking off all the shit every time you go out. Sucking off all the shit? I see you.
Starting point is 00:23:02 You think I just suck anything I find until I see it coming. I'm you. I just suck anything I find and toss. I see you. I invited you over the other day, and then I see you on a stoplight sucking on a stoplight. Yeah, because I thought it was somebody. Yeah. I thought it was somebody. It ain't somebody, bitch. Okay, bitch.
Starting point is 00:23:17 That's just a stoplight. I saw you sucking a stoplight. Oh, my God. I saw you sucking on a baby's head, bitch. Girl, girl, I saw you. It becomes sexy. Girl, I saw you sucking on a stoplight. Oh my God. I saw you sucking on a baby's head, bitch. Girl, girl, I saw you. It becomes sexy. Girl, I saw you sucking on a stoplight. I started rapping.
Starting point is 00:23:34 Sucking on a stoplight. It ain't right, but still, I think that you are tight. Hey, girl, I want to get with you. I need you to suck me too. Wow. I hope I made my soulmate through this. It could happen. Incredible.
Starting point is 00:23:52 So, who's single? Who's dating who? I'm so single. Are you? Yeah. Yeah? Yeah. Good.
Starting point is 00:24:01 Are you looking for love? You found it yeah shh ah ah fuck the front tooth comes out.
Starting point is 00:24:31 My whole front face is out. The little alien from Men in Black. By the way, if they made that a Starburst commercial, I think they'd actually sell more of them. Yeah. Like those herbal essences commercials? What would your dream commercial be? Any product. Anything. commercial be? Any product.
Starting point is 00:24:46 Anything. Any product? Any product that exists. Yeah, something you actually like. Or anything. Oh, and I had to like be in this commercial. You were the progressive flow of that product. The face of the campaign.
Starting point is 00:24:56 Or you, what do you think? I have to, Patty first. Yeah. I think it would be like. More oil. Swiffer wet gel. I think it would be for medicine oil I think it would be for medicine of what kind? any medicine
Starting point is 00:25:09 I think medicine as far as invention no no no hear me out you're laughing stop I'm close to not talking anymore because I don't feel like you're taking me seriously I think medicine has helped a lot of people and I'm close to not talking anymore because I don't feel like you're taking me seriously. I think medicine has helped a lot of people.
Starting point is 00:25:26 And I'm appreciative of that. And I think God has a lot to do with that. But I'm not going to go there right now because I don't feel that vibe from you. But I feel like you'd laugh more. But yeah, maybe a medicine. Maybe like, I think Zyrtec has helped me a lot. I think...
Starting point is 00:25:41 I'm supporting you, Patty. Come over here. Well, Katherine Heigl did the NyQuil commercial, I think. And in it, she goes like this. She's like... And she's, like, trying to sleep. She can't sleep. And she's like...
Starting point is 00:25:57 Instant. She passes out. Instant. She's driving like a blow dart to the neck. She's gassing it. She's driving towards the school. Yeah the neck. She's gassing it. She's driving towards the school. It's a commercial of her crying. Of her crying, driving,
Starting point is 00:26:10 taking NyQuil by the gallon. Right before the car hits the building, she goes to sleep. She goes to sleep. And when you go that limp, your body can actually absorb more shock. So she flies through the windshield. That kills a lot of the people in the school. We're not saying what kind of school because you don't know how old anyone in the school is windshield. That kills a lot of the people in the school. We're not saying what kind of school, because you don't know
Starting point is 00:26:25 how old anyone in the school is. But there are a lot of casualties. But she lives because her body was limp. It's like, you know when people get sucked up in tornadoes and they pass out. Don't fight it. Yeah, don't fight it. Just go with the flow. Go with the flow. Go limp. Go limp.
Starting point is 00:26:41 Go limp, go with the flow. If someone tries to pick you up, play dead. Whoa. Go limp. They say that. Go limp. Go with the flow. If someone tries to pick you up, play dead. Whoa. I didn't know we were eating. Oh yeah. What about, that should be for the cam under the counter.
Starting point is 00:26:52 Oh, that's good. Wait, wait, wait. Do we talk about this? Is it, could it be possible to do a YouTube channel where you are, you are definitely masturbating but not like, not like, uh. Right. Casual. But you're doing a review of makeup or whatever you have, you know, you have like a shtick, but people are really tuning in because you are jerking it. But maybe not jerking it because you know what? I'm going to be very vulnerable here, but I don't know.
Starting point is 00:27:19 I don't know if you all do this, but when I'm alone in my room doing anything, I have my hand on my ear. And I'm like this. And I'm also like typing things. But there's no, I'm not masturbating. Yeah, sure. My hand is just. Well, I'm stimulating. It's just pulling or pulling weight. No, it's just like, yeah. It's just pulling or pulling weight.
Starting point is 00:27:45 No, it's just like, yeah. It's just resting. Just like resting. Yeah. Well, I feel like if someone did something that was like, I feel like that's subtle enough that like your videos wouldn't get flagged. But if you wanted to make a video where you were doing like a makeup tutorial or you were doing like a haul video and you're like pulling stuff out of the bag
Starting point is 00:28:04 and your other hand was just kind of doing this and I don't know it depends on how high the table is but I don't know if that's readable but what I'm doing is I'm doing this well yeah and then there'd be I think that'd be cool there'd be certain like buzzwords for fall like people who are really subscribed you know like
Starting point is 00:28:19 today today I got I got a Nivea core corrector. So the social... Yeah. And then at the end you pull out the right hand and it's just dripping wet. And it's like there's shit. There's shit in it.
Starting point is 00:28:35 There's what? There's shit in blood. There's shit in blood. And then like a ton of oil. Or it's like tarred and feathered. Tarred and feathered. Natural oil. Oh my God.
Starting point is 00:28:43 What's with you? Are you into fracking now and so what if that's true and so what if that is true that's bad her maiden name
Starting point is 00:28:53 Exxon yeah Exxon fracker last name first name Exxon last name wait what is it
Starting point is 00:29:00 last name ever first name greatest I was gonna say last name first name Exxon last name mobile. Well, there's a channel. Oh, baby.
Starting point is 00:29:09 Oh, baby, Hollywood's been bad to you. Come back to New York. Oh, my God. We need you. You should see the lower part of my chest. It's all wrecked up. Collapsed. What?
Starting point is 00:29:20 Wood chips. Wood chips? Hollywood's made me do awful things I know girl I don't know who I am no you're like forcing yourself on the cast director
Starting point is 00:29:29 like you got the role already you're like we have to do this yeah like please suck off we have to and I'm like taking their clipboard
Starting point is 00:29:35 and I'm like you weren't even called in for this yeah it was like a production I drove by do you need me? We're not casting for anything.
Starting point is 00:29:47 We're looking for a sound person. You're like, oh. Like pressing my tits on the ground. Putting your fingers through your eyes. And like your eyeballs are going all the way. Like they're seeing. Yes, but then Beetlejuice, she pulls the hands out and the fingers are on them. The eyes going all the way. Like they're seeing. Yes. But then Beetlejuice, she pulls the hands out and the fingers are on them.
Starting point is 00:30:09 The eyes are on the fingers. And she says. And then you do a little Charlie Chaplin tap dance. Doing that sound. You bring your own clear pane of glass and then top off and you press up against that. You're holding the glass too. Because they don't have windows. You open your holes. So they're like flat like this like somehow your pelvis it's like flat and then you
Starting point is 00:30:30 On a screen. So it's like when and I don't want to I don't want to be a broken record But it's like when an octopus latches on right gloppy in a glass Yeah, you can see the like mouth sphincter attached and then you see the little beak come out because they have agency yeah you know what I remember when we were talking
Starting point is 00:30:51 about the octopus thing I'm like I know for a fact guys who live on farms fuck pigs and
Starting point is 00:30:58 like guys fuck the farm animals yeah well they also get fucked what were the farm animals wearing? Were they drinking?
Starting point is 00:31:06 They were naked Yeah and they were probably wearing mini skirts And drinking Wearing these you know Come fuck me Outfits made of mud Come fuck me hooves Like painted nails
Starting point is 00:31:18 Imagine you go to a farm And you're like yeah right That pig is a slut Imagine you're like What horrible and you're like, yeah, right. That pig is a slut. Imagine you're like, what horrible assholes would like fuck a pig? Like fuck a cow. You go to a farm. You're like, oh my God. They're standing up straight.
Starting point is 00:31:33 Oh my God. They're like, hey girls. Hey girls. Why don't you come up and see me sometime? And one pig comes over. There's a pig that comes over and has like really long, beautiful center parted hair. And she's like, I've heard what you said that like, why would anybody fuck a pig? And I just want to like, because it's like a Gen Z pig.
Starting point is 00:31:53 So it's gorgeous, but it's like reading all the time. And it's like, why can't I be both? Why can't I be both? Why can't I be both? They're all wearing shirts that say, why can't I be both? So you think cows don't read because we're fucking cows? She's like, did you ever think that say, why can't I read? Because we're fucking cows. She's like, did you ever think that the cow was fucking the farmhand and not
Starting point is 00:32:10 the other way around? And then like all the cows come. They're like, yeah, yeah. Why can't I get some? What? Because I'm older. Older cows, just what? We get put out to pasture. They have like stunning hair. Like they just like hair like this. Well, that's a cow. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:32:24 That's a cow yeah they look like that can I ask can I ask something what what were you saying into the cup um well it's kind of it's kind of the thing doesn't work because if the string is not taught then it doesn't so were you unable to hear she was actually whispering if you can believe it yeah I was I was waiting for the oil to spill out of my throat into the car so I could just give it to her oh yeah yeah and you know like booty bumps I was kind of trying in the ear like I had a shot of sky vodka wait a booty bump you like soak the tampon in alcohol.
Starting point is 00:33:05 No. You put in your ear though? That's not a booty bump. Like a boot chug? A boot chug? A butt chug. A boof chug. I'm Scottish.
Starting point is 00:33:12 It's a boof chug. It's a boof chug. It's a boof chug. It's a boof chug. My wife Fiona. Don't be. Thank for being here at the world and the beautiful. Come on down for a match.
Starting point is 00:33:25 Wow. I get killed by an Irish person outside. Just completely like, that's not what we sound like. Oh no! But then you like it. Yeah. Yeah, that photo was taken a long time ago
Starting point is 00:33:39 and not for this podcast, but you know what? We're getting some miles out of it. I will say up close, this texture is a little, the texture is happening. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I had to recently to do
Starting point is 00:33:49 like a very like high def up close just the thing of like lip sync of my face. I freshly shaved and put the makeup on. It was hammer time. Yeah. Hammer time.
Starting point is 00:33:58 It looked like cobblestone, like cobblestone in New England. Uh-huh. Tile. Beautiful. No. No. Old school.
Starting point is 00:34:04 Or like pebble, you know those pebble walkways? Yeah. Tile. Beautiful. No. No. Old school. Or like pebble, you know those pebble walkways? Yeah, I love that though. But on the face. On the face. I get that. I get that. It's normal.
Starting point is 00:34:12 Yeah. I look like that. I mean it. I get that. I mean with heavy makeup. No, like. I don't, I try not to,
Starting point is 00:34:18 but heavy makeup always does that. Yeah. I think it just depends because it's like, it's like, I feel like there's this weird, I don't know what the shave dynamic is,
Starting point is 00:34:28 but it's like, sometimes when the hair is like growing after you shave it and it creates the raised, it's like before it breaks through, I guess, the skin,
Starting point is 00:34:36 it like creates a bump. It like bumps. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, and when you're shaving, your hair's like, okay, you won the battle, but not the war. I'll see you in four hours, babe.
Starting point is 00:34:43 Four fucking hours. I'm still growing. Four fucking hours. I'll see you in four hours babe I'll see you later four fucking hours it's horrible and I have a lumberjack beard like it gets to be it's so what is the longest you've ever grown it to it like Unabomber no not a Unabomber like um probably two it was like big like too big that that it was white when you it was after you came back from the woods yeah yeah and i looked like i was in the woods yeah you know and uh but it was like it was so gross like underneath is its own ecosystem like the you know like the um you know how they say like the forest floor is like dense with all kinds of species and stuff different levels yeah like nutrients and stuff This was like the forest floor.
Starting point is 00:35:26 Underneath was all this hidden dead skin chunks of like so disgusting. You think it's hidden? No, it was hidden. Well, it's like how do you get like soap and like moisturizer if it's like thick? Well, you have to. You have to really go in there. No, there's like all these products that are like made for the head on your face or the hair on your face. I don't like that.
Starting point is 00:35:50 Well, the skin on your face. And we just sit in that for a while. You just say, I don't like that. Well, men's scalps are like twice as thick as women's scalps. And the skin on your face is like half as thick of skin as the rest of your body. That's why your body skin looks like clean and your face skin will have like veins and stuff. So you have to use different products because your scalp can handle like soap. Your face
Starting point is 00:36:09 is the first time I'm hearing that I'm crying. Oh no! It was meltdown. Chunks. I'm telling you. Chunks. Well hey that's what's great about. Chunks. And it smelled bad. No. No it didn't. What were you doing? Why? I just didn't do anything.
Starting point is 00:36:25 Nothing. I just, well, there's food in there, but you get that out. And like, but like, so if you wanted to, so the point is like when I went to shave my face for the first time smooth, it was several steps because first it was hacking the brush and then it was contending with all of this like zombified putrid. It looked good though. It looked good. I mean, like a certain, at a certain length, the beard was, putrid. It looked good, though. It looked good. I mean, like, at a certain length,
Starting point is 00:36:47 the beard was, you know. It looks like, I'm going to look up a picture and it's going to look very moisturized and, like, amazing. Oh, no, no, no, no. Plus, you know, gay men, you can be, like, fucking gross.
Starting point is 00:36:54 And if you get a beard, people are like, hey. Yeah, hey, what's up? You could be missing this part of your face if there's some hair. Yeah. Why is that? Mustaches.
Starting point is 00:37:03 I don't know why. For, if, what do you mean, like, people having them? Yeah. Why is that? Mustaches. I don't know why. For if... What do you mean? Like people having them? Yeah. In general? I think people can... Like, am I attracted to that?
Starting point is 00:37:13 Yeah. Or if... I think facial hair is attractive. But mustaches in particular? No. Or against? It really depends. I think it depends.
Starting point is 00:37:22 There are people that... It's like if they get too like steampunky with it. Oh no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. I'm talking about the, no wax, no wax or anything like that. A handlebar mustache is like trying to get into the room. What, what? What, what do you say? Like with your banging.
Starting point is 00:37:40 Whoa, he's trying to get inside with it. It's like the mustache with the, was it the curl? Yeah, it's a waxed grown no the Paul F. Tompkins is allowed but that's where we draw
Starting point is 00:37:49 the line right oh yeah yeah yeah but anyone else it's attached to like a Ren Faire person do you know what I mean yeah it's a costume piece
Starting point is 00:37:56 yeah but if you say there's a man you find attractive okay so what I will say is I don't really I haven't really
Starting point is 00:38:04 ever found Stanley Tucci that attractive until he played the pedophile murder in Lovely Bones. And he had the insane mustache. It was a handlebar? It's like kind of, yeah. Okay. Lovely Bones, great drag name. Yeah. I got to watch that.
Starting point is 00:38:20 The Lovely Bones. Pedophile. Wait, where is he? He's the killer in the movie. And also a pedophile. But they like, kind of gave him like, the,
Starting point is 00:38:28 I think it's like a, it takes place at a certain time, but they dress him in a way that kind of like, all guys with kind of good style dress him. Hmm. It's like very, they like, the wardrobe person like,
Starting point is 00:38:42 They made him look like, They made him too stylish. Like a hamster. They turned him out. I think he looks... He kind of looks attractive to me in that movie. So you're willing to... Not his actions,
Starting point is 00:38:50 but the way that he carries himself and his swagger and his confidence. He's got that pedo swagger. Right. Well, aren't a lot of murderers traditionally like... They have to have some kind of charm to draw people in, right? Because they're like imitating...
Starting point is 00:39:03 You can't come at them like me. You need to be like, what's his name? Ted Bundy. It's part of why he's so deadly is because he was like charming, right? Oh, yeah. And the guy in, he asked, you know, he needs some help loading that couch into his van. Yes. Buffalo.
Starting point is 00:39:16 Buffalo Bill. Fake to limp. He faked to limp. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He was a model. He was gorgeous. He walked for Houston. No mustache.
Starting point is 00:39:23 I've been listening to Goodbye Horses a lot there's like a demo version of it it's an amazing song it's a great song you know I've been thinking about
Starting point is 00:39:30 murderers just cause I'm I used to be very obsessed with them and I was thinking about
Starting point is 00:39:37 Jeffrey Domner and how Jeffrey Domner killed like gay men but he was gay and then I was thinking of the guys who killed
Starting point is 00:39:43 women and like did stuff with their bodies and I'm like it was it repression like that caused that and like will crimes like that happen again now that we're moving towards like people being more openly themselves like I'm like what if I'm like what if there was a Ted Bundy now or like a Dahmer now, you know? Because it was all from like isolation, repression, like war time. Like, I don't know.
Starting point is 00:40:15 Dahmer was at Vietnam. Oh, makes sense. They did horrible things in Vietnam. That's not true. Oh, he wasn't in there? I'm sure that is true that they did horrible things. He wasn't at Vietnam. Okay, I'm like, I thought. She says they did bad things. I said. Oh, he wasn't in there? No, I'm sure that it's true that they did horrible things. He wasn't at Vietnam. Okay, I'm like, I thought...
Starting point is 00:40:27 She says they did bad things. I said, no, they didn't. But you know... They did everything just right. Okay, wait. They gave them acrylics. They gave them pedicures. There's pictures of people at Vietnam.
Starting point is 00:40:38 Polaroids in Vietnam. I just want to say that if the Vietnam War had... And it is a war, it's not a conflict. If the war had not happened, I would not be here. Ooh. Interesting point.
Starting point is 00:40:50 I have a really horrible, actually, anecdote about Richard Ramirez, who was the Night Stalker. Hot. Who everyone thought was so hot. The most horrible crimes, I would say. You don't think he's hot? No, I do not think he's hot. That's good.
Starting point is 00:41:06 Because he was a fucking dickhead. He was really bad. That has nothing to do with him being hot. But he also had love. You know what? I really hate that they all had love after they got imprisoned. Like, they had, like, big loves. Oh, the women start writing to them.
Starting point is 00:41:23 I was like... Yeah, he got married in prison, I think. Oh, yeah, the women are like, I saw you on the news. Yeah, I was like, no. No, writing to them. I was like, he got married in prison. Oh yeah, the women are like, I saw you on the news. No, no, no, no. I think you're just misunderstood. I'm like, that sucks. No, you're a dickhead. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:41:32 You're a piece of shit. Makes me so mad. It makes me mad there's all these Netflix stuff. It makes me mad that they kill. Okay, wait, wait, wait. I have a horrible story to make you hate him more. Great. So he, so, okay, I feel his story was like he was in foster homes he was like abused in
Starting point is 00:41:48 foster homes he was living on the street but also his um uncle apparently his uncle showed him um pictures of what he did to women while he was in vietnam He was in the war and he would basically kill and torture women, took pictures of that, brought them back, showed them to... So that was like the first example of like, this is what you do. Or like, haha, this is funny when you feel somebody is below you. And also at the same time, like the atrocities like Americans were doing doing yeah in vietnam just for fun which is extremely sick well i would like to also i would like to bring it back to the point that if his uncle didn't do that i would not be here so but you want no way that doesn't make any sense it
Starting point is 00:42:37 makes absolute sense that that part doesn't make sense no because you have nothing to do with richard ramirez you don't know anything about me. She brought her 23andMe, and we will go through it on the break. When you're faced with a challenge, you don't back down. So when it comes time to level up your financial game, you'll know what to do. Rise to it. And reward your good financial habits with the new BMO Eclipse Rise Visa Card.
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Starting point is 00:44:12 little brother and it's this baby that has his head. What do you think about it? What do you think about it? You pull it out of your... Here's my baby brother. I have like the first I have the first like working uterus trans but only produces serial killers yeah yeah like crazy Stewie from Family Guy
Starting point is 00:44:31 proportions but very hot it's like a 3d printer isn't there yeah and they're like no you can well I want to I will say like I think now that there's all this I think there's a lot of romanticization like of like the interest in true crime and stuff and like especially like hot killers but I think like what's interesting to me is the is like
Starting point is 00:44:55 how do you reform because it's like no one is making those choices because they're like in a good place it's like their lives are so fucked up. It's like all these people who do this shit, they're all fucked up and they all have crazy trauma,
Starting point is 00:45:12 like that uncle shit. And it's like they're just not at a place where they're like, it's like they had no chance in this way where it's like, oh, it's just made this person who's completely untethered to, yeah, that has no concept of. Disconnected from like humanity, like what they're a part of, where they're like, I'm going to pray on you.
Starting point is 00:45:33 Yeah. Which is like crazy. But I mean, some people, but there's, there's gotta be people who are like have great parents and a great support system. We still turn out awful. The same way you can grow up with a bad situation and grow up, turn out fine. But I think it's like, I think think it's it's also an environment too yeah and like i think there's that in it you know people can debate the ethics of it but there's that like hbo documentary from i think
Starting point is 00:45:58 the 90s the child child of rage about that girl the girl who was like it's like this little girl and her brother her baby brother I think she's like and again don't quote me on it it's all paraphrase over quoting for years but it's about like it's about this little girl who's like I think it starts falling her when she's like six or seven maybe but these people adopt her and her infant brother and i think she's like three at the time when they adopt her but uh the girl basically you find out she's doing all this horrible shit she's like putting needles in the cat she's trying to kill her baby brother she's killing baby birds and they're like oh like she we don't we don't know what's up with her and then they take her to a therapist and this is where
Starting point is 00:46:44 it's kind of problematic because like they're they say at that age people can, you can, like, implant. If you, like, ask too many leading questions, like, did someone hurt you? Then it can, like, kind of implant, like, a false memory, whatever. But what they gathered is that, like, her birth father was, like, molesting her as a baby. And, like, when they found the baby brother, his head was flat because he had been laying. They were not being fed. They were pooping.
Starting point is 00:47:11 They were pooping? They were pooping on the ground. And the father wasn't affectionate with them at all. So the daughter had had a lack of affection for long enough. And a lack of affection for long enough. And, like, a lack, like, that basically. Yeah, lack of care. Well, it's, like, basically she has, like, she's in lizard brain mode. She has no conscience. And no love.
Starting point is 00:47:31 Yeah. That sucks. Yeah. And it's, like, the documentary is about them basically putting her in this really rigid therapy program where she, like, build, they build a conscience for her. where she like build they build a conscience for her and it's like they interview her and she's talking about like mom mom and dad have to rope the door shut at night because i'll i like i want to kill them with a knife in the dark i want to do it at night but we only saw i feel like when that came out everyone was like see you can be born as a murderer like you can be born as a murderer. Like, you can be born as a killer. And that was, like, proof. No, I don't.
Starting point is 00:48:07 That's not what I think it's proving that, like. No, when that came out before the documentary about it. Like, just the clip of the girl, like, because they didn't know that she got molested before. Oh, you think the documentary, like. That's newer information. It's in the documentary. In Child of Rageage they talk about it
Starting point is 00:48:26 but about a man entering like she draws pictures of like a man entering her room at night and they gather that the
Starting point is 00:48:32 father yeah I don't know about the documentary but I remember the is the documentary new no it's from it's like an HBO documentary
Starting point is 00:48:42 from like the 90s you can watch it on YouTube it's like a half hour long work have you from like the 90s. You can watch it on YouTube. It's like a half hour long. Oh. Work. Have you guys seen the documentary about the people obsessed with Tiffany? Tiffany?
Starting point is 00:48:51 Oh, I. Tiffany Trump? The singer? No, no, no. The singer. No, it's called I Think We're Alone Now. And it's a documentary.
Starting point is 00:48:56 It's an hour on YouTube. It's like old. Somebody put it up there. But it's following like four people who are obsessed with Tiffany. Like I Think We're Alone Now, the teenage 80s mall singing girl. And it's like a grown adult people who like psychologically believe that they are best friends with Tiffany and like follow her.
Starting point is 00:49:12 Oh, I hate this. Some of them have like some of them have like frustrating words. It's like that because they're like, she means so much to me. But it's like at a certain point, it's hard to mean too much. And then it's like, I hate that shit. It's fierce. point start to mean too much and then it's like i hate that shit it's fierce i'm only i'm only recently um getting that from strangers people who feel a connection in a how do they let you know in like from fans yeah but but in a in that in that prose those ways is very sad it makes me
Starting point is 00:49:43 sad yeah because i'm like i would like to connect with you genuinely but you're scaring me yeah i mean there was this one guy in the documentary who goes i'm sick and tired of being kicked out of tiffany's life when i'm supposed to be in it it's like so chilling yeah i love it like the disconnect from yeah any the reality of it. We were talking about, like, I think because, and I'm sure you deal with this too, the way that, like, our sense of humor, like, in our comedy are, like, it's, like, hypersexual, very graphic. So people that, like, follow us will, like, come up to us
Starting point is 00:50:21 and say really, like, hypersexual stuff. I'm sure I don't know what you mean. I have no idea what you're talking about. In a way that's like very, it's like boundary crossing when it's like a, where I haven't even, I don't even have the context that I know that this person like likes my comedy. People will just come up and they'll just like say something like really nasty. And I'm like, that's, it's scary.
Starting point is 00:50:43 It's like, oh no, like you're a stranger to me. it's just like oh I have this we have this closeness and I think that's kind of what social media does is like makes people feel like they're just like a touch away from you and they're getting more of your personal life so they feel like they know you better but it is very like scary it's also like boundaries have you ever heard of boundaries? Like these people? Some of these folks have not, especially when I was rushed in an airport shop and someone was cried at for like 10 minutes.
Starting point is 00:51:16 Cried at? That's hard. People cry at us all the time. Charged. I was charged at me. Why? Like laying stuff on you? Like therapy?
Starting point is 00:51:24 We have meet and greets like on tour. It's like you're in their care. Yeah. I'm not a mental health professional. They're in your care. I am the crazy person. You back away.
Starting point is 00:51:33 You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah. So strange. I'm like, I need to be taken care of. Yeah. I need guidance. People cry from the excitement,
Starting point is 00:51:38 which is something, but a lot of times for us, it's like cathartic where something with their trauma, they see in our trauma and they connect it kind of without our permission. And then in person, the floodgates just open. But I'm talking like off-duty, out of drag,
Starting point is 00:51:53 not at a gig, no excitement. You know what I mean? I'm like, this is like I'm at a Burger King and somebody taps you on the, and then... And they're crying? Yeah. It's so fascinating to me. It's such a thin, it's like you are now like,
Starting point is 00:52:09 you have to kind of like, I guess it's like a very thin line of, if you actually communicated what you feel in that moment, you risk being like, oh shh. I met them and they were fucking awful. Even though I was like pushing my way into their car, like trying to- Oh, yes. she dragged me down
Starting point is 00:52:27 the block for three miles yeah yeah you know it's crazy i saw your i saw on your instagram story that you were at the neiman marcus so i have i i drove yeah i jumped the median and drove down the highway yeah i divorced my husband just to come here. Can you say happy birthday to Sarah? Totally. Yeah. It's crazy because it's like, oh, this is what, this is also like, oh, you think you're showing me love this way? It's like, no, actually, really think about it. It's like, please show me love and care as you would someone you actually love. And it's like, is this how you're treating people you love? Because that's not good. I know. If I saw Julia Roberts at like the
Starting point is 00:53:08 Sparrows or whatever in the mall. God forbid. She works there. She's a shift. And she's having a hard time. She's not pulling her weight. To be fair. And she's listening to this. She's like, I actually like it when people come up to me because it makes me feel alive.
Starting point is 00:53:24 I want to live. She's like, I actually like it when people come up to me because it makes me feel alive and like I want to live. She's like, I haven't been called that in years. Did you say Julia Roberts? Yeah, I'm like, people call me a Tony here. Yeah, the name takes us. They're like, Tony, come on, get a face mask. She looks beautiful. She has an accent to them.
Starting point is 00:53:38 OK, I'm coming. I'm coming, I'm coming. Oh, God, it's so hard to be undercover. It's just gorgeous Julia Roberts With a mustache And a Tony You want a Tony
Starting point is 00:53:49 Big mistake Huge Oh my god She's like She's like wrestling With the pizza And then like Her pills fall out
Starting point is 00:53:56 And her testosterone Like needle And she's like And then the boss is like Her testosterone needle What's going on with you Tony It's like a movie The testosterone needle Falls down Prick's going on with you, Tony? It's like a movie that testosterone needle
Starting point is 00:54:05 falls down prick first in the floor like bang. What the fuck is that, Tony? It injects it into the floor and then the floor's like all right.
Starting point is 00:54:15 Or better yet, they're fighting over it and it gets thrown and it hits Brittany in the neck and just instant beard. Full beard. Brittany?
Starting point is 00:54:22 Another employee. She's not the only person who works there. We said free Brittany earlier and I didn't know if you were. Oh, maybe she's not the only person who works there we said free Britney earlier and I didn't know if you were oh maybe she's escaped to the Sbarro
Starting point is 00:54:29 yeah yeah yeah I'm clear yeah I just joined in yeah listen if Julia works there
Starting point is 00:54:36 Britney could work there yeah right it could happen right right who else works there Neil Patrick Harris is the shift manager
Starting point is 00:54:43 on the weekends as Shayla Neil Patrick Harris is the shift manager on the weekends. As Shayla. Neil Patrick Harris as Shayla. Julia Roberts as Tony. Britney Spears as... Mauricio. Mauricio. And Tony Danza.
Starting point is 00:55:00 No, wait, what's his name? Antonio Banderas. Tony Danza. And Tony and Ted... Ted Danson is the delivery driver. And Ted Danson in blackface like he did in that photo that everyone can look up. Oh, God.
Starting point is 00:55:17 Have you looked up that photo? I believe I have seen it. Ted Danson is like... Cheers. He was... Yeah, he was like very tall, super white hair. You'd know if you saw him.
Starting point is 00:55:29 He dated Whoopi Goldberg for a spell. He dated Whoopi Goldberg. Yeah. And she said it was okay. And he did it in public. For her
Starting point is 00:55:38 like for her birthday. Yeah. Imagine your boyfriend being in like blackface being like happy birthday
Starting point is 00:55:48 honey I love you see look at that smile but was it the 80s look at that smile it was the 80s she loves it it was the 80s
Starting point is 00:55:55 in the 80s they were probably like that is so funny so funny you are killing it you should be on Saturday Night Live you should be
Starting point is 00:56:02 you should do that in public you should win for office. Well, I think that's it. Oh, wait, wait. Do you have anything to plug? I don't know about like, don't knock on the table,
Starting point is 00:56:15 but with COVID stuff, but I'm starting to up my monthly show at Largo again. I tried to get into your shit show. I tried to buy tickets online. Well. Hello, I eat my own shit. It sold out. No shit. Well, which is nice, but it's a monthly show.
Starting point is 00:56:33 She said, sorry, Flop. Better luck next time. I tried to buy tickets. I don't even call anybody a flop. Not even a dolphin. Or a shoe. The show's called Me. Not even a dolphin. Or a shoe. Wait, wait. The show's called Me? Well, I think it's going to change every month.
Starting point is 00:56:52 Right now, it's Me. I've been eating my own shit. My own shit. Say it louder. Yes. Me. I've been eating my own shit. But can you say it with, like, you know,
Starting point is 00:57:04 because you chose the name, like Strength. I mean, you put the name on the flyer. You're going to sell it. Wait, wait, can I be the radio station? And that was Baby, You Got Back. Now a quick announcement from Batty Harrison about her one woman show show thingy. Hey gamers, do you like
Starting point is 00:57:28 shemale comedy? Then turn out. It's It's July 28th at 8pm at the Largo at the Coronet And what is it called? What's it called? Hey, faggot, listen up. It's called
Starting point is 00:57:44 Me, I've Been Eating My Own Shit. A new monthly show that won't be called that every time. I would love to be calling it Hey, Faggot. Maybe that's the next one. It's Italian for friend. And now back to regular programming. Okay. I was fingering myself at the end of the road, and that's when I saw my love.
Starting point is 00:58:10 And that was fingering myself at the end of the road by Fergie. It's just that. It's Fergie. Fergie lost her voice. I'm Fergie. I am Fergie. I didn't know you could do her. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:58:29 I am Fergie. Don't forget the power I have. Do you have anything you want to plug? We sell things here. We sell things. Yeah, yeah. I have a show that I'm doing. I'm going to be doing at the Little Island Festival August 15th.
Starting point is 00:58:52 And that I'll be performing around New York. And it's just like a one-person show. So keep your eyes out for that on my Insta and tweeters at pile of tears. Other than that, I'm just kind of trying to rest. Nice. Nice. Catch them resting. We didn't even get to talk about're getting booted off of Twitter for um
Starting point is 00:59:25 we don't need to it's okay it's okay it's okay wait why why I just I made it
Starting point is 00:59:31 she weaponized the cookie um what did you do cookie monster I did that thing where you change your your name to like
Starting point is 00:59:38 a real company but cause I'm verified it looks real and then I said like a bunch of like biphobic and transphobic stuff. Biphobic. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:59:47 And then I got kicked off. But that's like, it's fine. I think I wanted to get kicked off. I was like done on Twitter. Yeah, I tried to tag you and I was like, you're gone. If you wanted to get away with it, you would have done it on Facebook. Yeah. If you wanted to get away with biphobic and transphobic slurs,
Starting point is 01:00:03 you could have just done it on Facebook. Well, it's like your password has to be like Bi erasure is not real Fierce And I agree You know who's bi? Barney I see it Did you notice? The purple dinosaur
Starting point is 01:00:20 I remember Don't you remember him coming out and being like I'm bi I'm bi if anyone wants to hook up later Yeah, and then the show began But I was like you still have to be hot Also, it's not like a pedophilia thing cuz Barney's like nine years right right Barton Barney's a kid Just like a bi kid who's like strong in his... Just a huge
Starting point is 01:00:46 young dinosaur. I remember being a kid and like, remember the, I remember people's parents would be like, Barney's gay, that's why he's purple. Remember purple Tiki Wiki was gay? Right, yeah, I was gay. Why is purple gay? But then all the parents loved Prince. I don't get that. All the parents are like, oh my god, Prince! Like, dads, moms.
Starting point is 01:01:01 But then they're like, ew, purple's gay. It's like, you see any pictures of your parents before, it's like, you all looked gay. You all had crop tops. Well, people who are that, who are like dumb enough to say something like that also aren't smart enough to like see the, how things are like at odds.
Starting point is 01:01:18 Like people loving like Queen and Elton John and all that shit. And them just being like homophobic. It's like all the like homophobic kids at my school were like blasting crocodile. Maybe not crocodile. Earlier today at your school. Earlier today at my technical school.
Starting point is 01:01:36 Yeah, I'm going to, I'm actually going to vocational school for underwater welding. Yeah, they're like, fuck you fag. Elton's super loud and then we're like right after yes
Starting point is 01:01:50 yes giving it all they're like fuck you faggot and then they turn and they have threading bruises threading
Starting point is 01:02:02 bruises you're a faggot they wear a chromomatica Oreo. Their filler's like drifting downward. You see it? They have this little lump. Their filler's dripping down. All right.
Starting point is 01:02:15 Well, on that note. Oh, bye. Bye. Bye. You make sure it is not real.

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