The Bald and the Beautiful with Trixie and Katya - The Modern Farmhouse Aesthetic with Trixie and Katya

Episode Date: May 21, 2024

Harnessing the quaint, country elements of middle America but with a contemporary spin, "Modern Farmhouse Decor" blends clean lines, muted color palettes, and textured materials to give birth to a timeless look bursting with both joie de vivre and sliding barn doors that offer absolutely no privacy or sound-dampening whatsoever. Whether you and your flatulent husband Gary are in search of a light, bright farmhouse kitchen or a warm, cozy great plains-inspired living room, the modern farmhouse style strikes the perfect balance between the clean lines of an apocalyptic future and the borderline starvation of the 1932 Dust Bowl. All with the added bonus of sharing Gary's irritable bowel syndrome with guests and family during the holidays. On this very special interior decoration episode of Bald, your personal designers Trixie and Katya will teach you how to share not just your love of the rural American farmhouse style, but also every wet sound and putrid odor from Gary's frequent and disturbing bowel movements. Welcome, y'all...make yourselves at home. Control Body Odor ANYWHERE with @lumedeodorant and @shopmando - Get $5 off your Starter Pack (that’s over 40% off!) with promo code BALD at https://LumeDeodorant.com and https://ShopMando.com #lumepod #mandopod Follow Trixie: @TrixieMattel Follow Katya: @Katya_Zamo To watch the podcast on YouTube: http://bit.ly/TrixieKatyaYT Don’t forget to follow the podcast for free wherever you're listening or by using this link: http://bit.ly/baldandthebeautifulpodcast If you want to support the show, and get all the episodes ad-free go to: https://thebaldandthebeautiful.supercast.com If you like the show, telling a friend about it would be amazing! You can text, email, Tweet, or send this link to a friend: http://bit.ly/baldandthebeautifulpodcast To check out future Live Podcast Shows, go to: https://trixieandkatya.com To order your copy of our book, "Working Girls", go to: workinggirlsbook.com To check out the Trixie Motel in Palm Springs, CA: https://www.trixiemotel.com Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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A strong ally to support your next level success? You will find it at York University School of Continuing Studies, where we offer career programs purpose-built for you. Visit continue.yorku.ca. Welcome. Okay. Hi, bald. You're bald. You're bald. You're bald. You know, I just, we have like a bunch of clothes in that closet. Like boy clothes get left here. And then sometimes like six months I look for something and I will walk in there and be like, oh, there's those jeans.

Oh, there's those shoes I've been looking for. Those are the shit I've been running through my house, going through closets, being like, where is that? It's all here. You're giving Harkonnen. What does that mean? It means the Baldi's from Dune. Is it hot? I think so.

Okay. The fact that we were not scouted and then headhunted and then cast as extras in Dune 2 as a member of the Harkonnen planet on Gideany Prime is so flagrant, so hateful, so rotten and unforgivable. I'm only hoping that Denis Villeneuve, if he gets his shit together, will realize the error of his ways and right that wrong by casting us as extras. I don't want to lie. I don't want to lie. I can't act well. I know that. But I won't mess up the movie With dialogue

But I will Stink up that set As an extra In the background And he better come correct Knock on the doors Open in Check it out

Mama both of us And no lines Famous Bald Not great actors But I will love to be In the background of that On that set

With Zendaya And Timothée Chalamet And you know All those people I think you're a good actor I'm not But it's okay I appreciate the comment And when I say I, all those people. I think you're a good actor. I'm not, but it's okay. I appreciate the comment.

And when I say I'm not, sometimes people are like, no, you're an actor. I say, it's okay if we're not good at everything. Yes. I know. I don't like patronizing lies. I'm not good at it. And I don't aspire to be good at it. So it's okay.

It's okay. It's okay. But I tell you what I am good at. Singing. Right. Here we go. Red, black shit. And fucking black diarrhea. River's darkest night. Running down her thighs.

Guzzle up the filth that's oozing from the orifice. Fend a nasty pool of glossy gooey stool. Intermingled with a splash of dehydrated piss. River's darkest night. Running down her thighs. Guzzle up the filth that's oozing from the orifice. Oh, I miss rehab. Where's the Grammy? Where's the album? I'll tell you where.

Where's the album? This is the thing? I'll tell you where. Where's the album? This is the thing you have to put the song out. You have to put the song out. Wait, hold on. Did you know that if you don't like Taylor Swift, you hate women? Also, you hate gay women too. Read it on the internet. Mama, get into this though.

Get into this. Get into this. Get into this. Your feature came out hysterical. It did? Hysterical, by the way. Oh my god. Here we go. How do I fast forward? I'm sorry. I'm new to the internet.

One second. I like this little shirt you got going on here. Where'd you get that? A thrift store. Wow. Some old Palm Springs gay died. Yeah, literally. There's a missing button. Pour one out for the gay guy. I'm not going to play that because I don't know how to fast forward. Pour one out for the gay guy. Like, honestly, pour one out for the gay guy. I'm not going to play that because I don't know how to fast forward. Pour one out for the gay guy.

That's like, honestly, pour one out for the gay guy. I found that a lot of trans women call gay men gay guys. I love the alliteration there. Gay guy. He was just some gay guy. Well, you know, Macy Robin, rock and roll gay guy. Yeah, fabulous.

Gay guy. I follow Blizzy. I don't mind you follow Blizzy. Wait, are those the people who like- Blizzy McGuire, who's like Detective Fierce. Oh. Sergeant. Oh. Sergeant. Oh, and we have some queerstions.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. The other day she tweeted like, I thought I would, I met this guy and I thought he was going to be mask vibes and it was just some gay guy. Well, I was, you know how, you know when you come, like your moment with Sharon Stone on Instagram when you find out that she followed you and not me. Right. You know when you come – like your moment with Sharon Stone on Instagram when you find out that she followed you and not me. Right.

My wig was flipped and ripped off and thrown in the dumpster when I realized that these incredible people follow me on Instagram. And they only follow like 400 people. And I'm going to tell you who they are in just a moment. Just hold, please, for some riveting – oh, my God. Well, it is my birthday, so my texts are blowing up. You guys, it's Kati's birthday. It is, yeah. Wow. Can I be honest? I think that's the worst part of a birthday, is the phone assault.

Oh. Oh, yes. The constant. The constant. I enjoy it. I enjoy it. And I want to say I'm not grateful. No, I love it. I love it. I love the attention. Two, three, oh, attention. 2, 3, 0, 5,

6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14. She follows me on Instagram. It's cunty. It's cunty. She's counting my birthday years, but she didn't get up to 42, so I'm gonna give her some time.

42? How does it feel? Great. I had just, uh, I just got out of rehab. Let's just keep birthday years, but she didn't get up to 42, so I'm gonna give her some time. 42? How does it feel? Great. I had just, uh, I just got out of rehab. Let's just keep going past that. Okay, great. We don't have to elaborate. I think one word is enough. Well, I'm fat as a house now. I know that you think you're fat now. You didn't notice that. Well. You know, when you do that, how do you get that much

air in your body? Air? It's food I've been eating so much I did just watch you eat Taco Bell I went to rehab and I ate the food No yeah I know I'm fat I think this episode should unofficially be the rehab special Because She and I have not filmed in a month and a half

And I'm about to burn a hole in this chair And I visited you in rehab I'm not saying I deserve a pat on the back But I took the month and a half. And I'm about to burn a hole in this chair. And I visited you in rehab. I'm not saying I deserve a pat on the back, but I took the mile and a half Uber. Let's start right there, honey. Here's a list of all the people who didn't visit you in rehab. Oh, it's Linda, Donna, Pat, Lori, Shelly, Brian, Aaliyah, Rose, Brian, Darren, and Ulysses. You are on my shit list. On my shit list. Uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh.

On my shit list. Now, I previously had considered myself to be a very wonderful, high-flying social butterfly with numerous friends in and out of the Los Angeles area. You'll go to everything for 12 seconds. I will show up early,

leave early, ask where the food is, even if there's not food at the event, and leave. I do a round, I go to the bathroom, and. Ask where the food is, even if there's not food at the event. I do a round. I go to the bathroom. And then I do the Irish goodbye. Which is to take something. You steal something.

The Irish goodbye. You just take some wallets, some iPhones, and you throw a Molotov, and you steal someone's car. Yeah. So it's not that nobody visited me in rehab, because that's not the truth. Now, I've been to four treatment centers in my life since, but I've never stayed at 30 days somewhere. It was horrible. It was horrible.

Horrible. It was horrible. I hated every single, I hated every single fucking minute of it. So is it supposed to be fun? It can't be. What rehab is like? Promises cliffside Malibu where you ride horses in the sunset.

And then, well, how about this for your birthday? I get your Uber back to rehab. How about that? I'm not sure. It's not as if we know someone who went to rehab and we went in and visited that person and that person did not visit me.

I'm looking at you, bitch. You know who you are. I know who it is. Yeah, exactly. And we took like a 90-minute car ride out there. We hit traffic fiercely on the way home. Like two hours. I stuck in a car together for two hours. Connie ran out of things to talk about.

And I had, I had, I had to go back to treatment. Suicidal ideation. Girl. So girl, let me tell you. So you and Fina were so lovely.

They came by once by the way That's okay That's okay I love that we visited though I FaceTimed you a lot Every time I talked to you visited You had your shoes and coat on Like you were about to leave

Every time she was by the door with like a suitcase packed Being like yeah just 15 more days Well the irony is Is when I left I left all the door with like a suitcase packed. We were like, yeah, just 15 more days. Well, the irony is when I left, I left a whole bit, all the bedding, a whole bureau full of like clothes, all my medication. Cause I was like, I was reading my dune book with my coat on and my shoes and I just hit it. Literally a phone alarm went off and you were like, goodbye. I got to tell you that last day and a half, half day,

it was Saturday because we don't have groups on Saturday and Sunday. And I left for some reason on a Sunday and the Saturday, the whole Saturday and the half Sunday, longest day and a half of my fucking life. Right. Longest day and a half. Anyways, back to the people who didn't visit me. These motherfuckers that I have, I have, I enjoy many, many, many, many lovely social engagements with.

They did not come visit me in rehab. These people that I hang out with all the time, not people I work with people that I hang out with all the time, enjoy many social engagements with for the past five, six, seven, eight years, not a, oh, we should come visit you. Oh, I'd love to come visit you. Radio fucking silence. You're on my shit list, bitch. Well, I don't think people thought you had a phone, number one. That is crazy because I FaceTimed with them.

Oh, I didn't think you had a phone until you got one and started texting me. Yeah, I didn't bother. Mama, I had nothing to do but text people. Right. So Jennifer Koch's fabulous Netflix producer, a director for our Netflix show, came. Of course. We had a lovely time. Well, she was checking out the facility for herself.

Yeah. You know. Her addiction to adult bracelets has gone a little far. No, she's addicted to going to the mall and getting threaded. She's got about one millimeter hair as well. She's addicted to going to the mall and getting glamour shots of herself. By the way, she's addicted to going

mattress shopping when she has no inclination to buy one. She's just going to the stores and going like, no, but she's already got a house filled with mattresses.

Nothing but. Staple to the wall. Padded room. Have you ever put in a padded room for your, I gotta tell you this, I thought of you. What, escape room?

Escape room? Escape room? Yes. Let me tell you this. No. Okay. Oh my God. We are psychically linked. I'm psychic. No, you told me. Oh, okay. I gotta tell you this I thought of you What escape room Escape room Escape room Yes Let me tell you this Okay Oh my god We are psychically linked

I'm psychic No you told me Oh Okay So I was in Atlanta I was in Atlanta What was I doing there

Working Oh I DJ'd the Wussy magazine Oh yeah Love them Love them Brigitte Bidet I know you went to rehab But I experienced a party

With no air conditioning So like When it comes but I experienced a party with no air conditioning. So like when it comes to struggles, you were sitting in your air conditioning. We got to go back to the rehab because I got to talk about the sound effects at your rehab. But let's go back to me for a second because this is my podcast. And I had to call a Monet exchange. That's how bad it's been. Oh, but you know what, though? You looked great.

She looked great. She looked great. Y'all looked great together talking about how it was crazy. Thank you very much. We looked like, because we both had top ponytails. You looked, both of you looked cunty. We looked like bring it on. The clovers and the, what are they? The wildcats or whatever? Something. Thundercats. I was

expecting the camera to pan down and have all just semen everywhere all over you guys. Leaking out of the hole. So I'm in Atlanta. Yep. And I'm DJing the Wussy Fest party. It's the opening party. Fun. And I have to DJ in the wussy fest party. It's the opening party fun. It's in the basement of

an abandoned mall, which is fine. Gay people love weird. And I was excited because I thought, um, no tea to this party. I wasn't exactly doing it

for the money. So I was just excited to put them on their broke. What I'm saying, there's like corporate gigs you do where you're like this money, but I read all or no AC. No, what I mean is I like corporate gigs you do where you're like, this money. But the $3 no AC gig in Atlanta.

No, what I mean is I said yes to this gig without knowing even how much. I wanted to do the gig. You were philanthropic. Yes. Not philanthropic, but it's a real gay, independent, queer thing. They're actually fun people. So I'm like, yes. It's going to be guys, drugs, drag queens, gay guys, body glitter, cheap body glitter.

It was 175,000 degrees and it was an hour and a half long set. And I knew 20 minutes in, I knew this is the night the lights would go out in Georgia. Seriously. It was so hot. And then I got to tell you what happens. I'm going to beat this bitch with a bat. I'm going to beat this bitch with a bat. The DJ decks are all here and I try to do sexy dancing. So I walked out in front of the DJ decks and I made my outfit outfit covered in sweat and I go like this and I put my hands up. This is the DJ decks and I'm going like this and the people are happy, whatever.

They love the butt, right? They love the butt. Ooh, sexy. Front row. Front row, lesbians, I'm Trixie. Yeah, yeah. They love the butt. They love it. Three fingers, two fingers, all of it. So I accidentally apparently unplugged something while I was dancing. So I go back to my decks and my right platter is disconnected and has error messages.

So then I go, ah. And this was the week that thing happened to Grimes at Coachella where she had a tech meltdown. So I'm going, okay, well, things happen. Because I had a short way. I did the drag queen thing where I just wet it down, put on my short human unit. No, you take the human unit. You remove six tracks from the back. Yeah, because I want sparks.

I want Gollum. I want six and a half hairs. Because if they can't see the tracks, they don't know you're a drag queen. Well, I took one track, cut it into pieces, glued them all over. You know what I did? I put on a wig and then put on one of those rubber caps and one of those hooks to pull the highlights through. That's what I had on.

A frosting cap? A frosting cap. A frosting cap. I had a frosting cap cap because i knew i wanted to look fuckable right so then wait wait i'm walking through the workroom with a frosting cap on i'm doing it i'm doing it from rocky horror l'oreal farrah like iced yes yes so then i go okay and in the moment luckily i have my flash drive plugged in this side Luckily, planning ahead and counting for The worst thing to happen counts I reach in my breasts, I pull out my other flash drive

Plug it in, and that way this side at least has music So by ear, I have to beat match A mix to this side, right? And while that song's playing, I go back around And I cosplay as sexy dancing What I'm really doing is pulling out wires and plugging them back in. And I fixed it and no one knew. Oh, right. Round of applause

for Miss Tech Diva. Miss, thank you very much. So I know you've been to rehab, but some of us have really struggled. It was so hot, the sweat was rolling over my lashes into my eyes. They were burning so bad and because my lashes are a Venus fly trap, I couldn't even take a tissue

and dab my eye. It was just sweat. So I was DJing like this. So just for reference, people at home, if you are sweating, now I'm currently not on drugs and we just recorded with Tammy Brown. That'll probably be out next week or maybe I don't know. I'm wearing a t-shirt, not on drugs, lovely AC in here, still sweating.

You are not a sweater. If I'm sweating, you've died. I'm serious. You know, I was at something recently where I said. I'm the like, I'm the strangers with candy dad. Yes. Or the beginning of the ring. I'm the bent neck bitch from that girl.

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recently and I said, all I'm going to say is you're lucky that it's me here and not Katya because she would have went home already. That's what I said to them. That's what I said to them. I said she would have went home already. Now I'm out of rehab. I have nothing to lose. You better come correct me that, AC. If I don't see literally, if you don't have a Montclair, if you're not shrink-wrapped

and Montclair goose down, I'm not coming on anywhere near that set. Because before, you went to rehab, if it was hot, you'd be like, look what you made me do. I learned it from you, dad. You know? And you'd line like, look what you made me do. I learned it from you, dad. And you'd line up the six and a half yards of cocaine.

You'd total recall prolapse open your nose. Actually, the septum comes up and it's just a big giant. It comes off like Michael Jackson. It just comes right off. You got one of those big ponytail.

Like an anteater nose with cocaine. It just comes right off. You got one of those big ponytail. Yeah. Like an anteater nose with cocaine. Yes. God. When I went to your rehab and I'll read it. Cocaine is so corny, by the way. Cocaine is so corny.

Y'all doing cocaine. It's so corny. Switch to meth. At least go to the bathroom. Yeah. Thank you. I'm so sick of the cocaine in public. Have some decorum.

Oh, I know people are so, they're so brazen and outlandish with K ketamine. It's like ketamine. Oh, I don't do drugs. I just do ketamine. I'm taking fish oil pills. I'm taking my Omega-3s. Yeah, my Omega-3s. It's crazy.

It's crazy. But mama, I need to get back to the guest list. The guest list at my 50 year, my golden, whatever you call that, birthday. Whatever the next big birthday party I have. Oh, there's six people on the list. Right. There's the guest list of six people. Because I am so, girl, I don't like pity parties.

I really don't like feeling sorry for myself. I allow myself a little, like a small window of resentment. But there are a certain type of people out there. I don't even think they listen to this podcast, but I am so plucked that they didn't even offer to come. Ooh, plucked, plucked there for 30 days.

These people do not have regular jobs. They do not have regular jobs. We don't know anybody with a job. No, we don't. Nobody has the, the, the people's primary mode of employment here in Los Angeles is like you said, to inject

their balls in dick with silicone and then get PNP for about 14 and a half days in a row. In this country of Los Angeles, everybody, everybody is injecting. Everybody, everybody has, everybody has a forklift up their ass. Mama. It is getting, it has, everybody has the infinity glove up their ass. Mama. It is getting... Everybody has the infinity glove up their ass. Thanos.

The Thanos infinity glove up their ass. A glove. Yeah. Gloves. Your ability to close your asshole. Snap. Disintegrate it. Drop shipment of adult diapers.

Snap. Snap. Amazon delivery one day prime. Get the diapers down, honey. Get the diapers back on the ass. Wikipedia fissure. Snap.... Fissure perforation. Honey, you have such a big hole in your colon that when you take a shit, your dick could get confused

and take a left at Albuquerque. And guess what? You have a turd in your leg. No, mama, their turds are literally... They're strayed. Like the Israelites out of... The turds are wayward the Israelites

out of the desert troubled youth troubled youth yeah troubled youth it's like you know when those first graders are walking with

the cord the cord snaps and they just disperse they disperse that's all the turds going through the colon perforations into their

the turds are bumping up against their kidney bumping up against their liver. They're going down into the leg. Unless, of course, you're vegan, then you don't poop. Right. You just breathe a lot.

What about shit ass? What is that? Shit ass is when you have, not just a shitty ass, it's when you have the crack of your ass is like dark. Stained dark. Let's take a break you know i did somebody else's podcast and i kept saying let's take a break and they were like what do you shut up and i was like i like your tone okay back to rihanna yeah so nobody came to see you except me and fina and by the way no no no no no, no, no, no, no. No, listen.

You, Fina, love it. Tim, Hayley, love. I had breakfast with them today. Jennifer. Jennifer. And Ash Gordon. Love, of course. Yes, Ash Gordon.

Angel on Earth. Angel. This woman deserves everything in the world. She does. She is so incredible. Herb, we just finished an album. The good news,

the good news is that I just finished an album with, uh, Killingsworth, Tomas, um, Ash in, um, a shiny who I would still suck the dick clean,

clear off his human body. And he is very uncomfortable with me saying that. Well, he said he has a girlfriend. I have made it very inappropriately clear on many occasions that I would, I would service him in a variety of sexual ways. Because I feel like you go zero to 60, zero to 600.

You know, there's, there's flirtation. There's essay. And there's sort of like, Oh, and there's, yeah, when there's ED, but there's. There's essay. And there's sort of like, but there's, there's essay.

And then there's a lot of lovely avenues to traverse in the middle. You could say like, if he was single, not interested, you could find out he's single. And maybe the next day you ask, Oh, what kind of girls do you like?

Oh, you don't like, you like boys. Okay. And that's when I slip a wig on. Next day you go, Oh, do you want to hang out after work?

Do you want to like, and I show up in a, in a, in a champagne Teddy stained with sweat in a, in a, in a in a um my frosted cap from l'oreal even that would be better than what you've been doing which is straight men we work with at work you go it's like you know i would suck the turd out of your ass and eat the corn right and that man with a wife at work goes it's like when i go to reno who's a lovely pa on netflix i'm like hey reno did you are you a you have you heard the good news he's like what i was like

that i would i would roto root your fucking rectum with my fucking head right and he's like can you put your wig on and get on set because we're behind yeah oh z Oh, Zempik. Talk about it. Okay. This isn't me being like, so you guys think I'm skinny. This is me being like every single post now is those Zempik. Every single thing I post, the comment is,

Oh girl. Oh, Zempik. Yeah. Some of us have just been depressed. Some of us can't eat dairy. Yeah. Some,

okay. Some of us have autoimmune disorders from stress. Honey, some of us have arthritis. Yeah. I can't eat dairy. Some of us have autoimmune disorders from stress. Honey, some of us have arthritis and can't eat food. TMJ. Clock the TMJ. Mama. Mama. Sweetie. Mama. Darling. I had to go to a jaw specialist,

a maxio-something surgeon. They took x-rays of my head. That little head? Yes. They said the soft tissue and the bone in my jaw is so deteriorated. They said you have to get your arthritis under control immediately. Because the joints are damaged. Probably permanently.

So they had to give me full head, shoulder, and neck Botox. We're talking upwards of 16 injections. Well, you look very smooth. All over. And not in the cool ways. Not in the sexy ways. All in the muscles. Because it wasn't for beauty. It was for muscles. Well, why can't they just do it for beauty?

It's autumn sunrise. Then, they take a needle this big. Cortisol. Cortisol. Corazon. In the jaw. Then they take a needle this big. Cortisol. Yeah. Corazon.

Corazon. Corazon. Corazon. Corazon. Corazon. Corazon. Corazon. Corazon. Corazon.

Corazon. Corazon. Corazon. Corazon. Corazon. Corazon. In the jaw. And the woman goes,

she goes, so it's going to be some discomfort. I look at her. I say, can you just cut the shit Beverly? Is this going to be the worst? It's good. And she goes,

it's, it's, it's, she was like, it hurts a lot. And I'm like – Thank you though. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Because these dentists who go, you're going to feel pressure. Pressure. Oh, pressure. How about when – Pressure. My leg's been cut off. How about pressure when they say – when they put one leg up and then they – Honey.

I was like, who are you trying to kill here? By the way, I'm so depressed about my disabled joint now that I'm crying in the office. So they're giving me needles all over. Then they're putting the huge needle in my joint and I'm just sobbing, but trying not to move because the needle's so deep in there. Oh, God. It hurts so fucking bad. And then I got to do the weekly injections still. So every fucking Monday, I take three methotrexate, which they use for aborting babies.

That's how femme I am. Thank you. I'm so pussy. I'm going to take Plan B. I'm so pussy. I'm taking Plan B, honey. Girl. Ozempic, Plan B.

So then I got to take the Humira auto-injector, stab down in the leg. Well, you don't have to stab. Well, I do. Stab in the leg. And they say you can either do stab. Well, I do. Stab in the leg. And they say you can either do that or you can pinch here. I'm like, I'm not doing that. No, but that's the way to do it. For my brief, I had a flirtation with HGH back in the day.

A flirtation. Right. Like a meet cute, a little amuse-bouche with it. And you just literally, it's a diabetic needle. It's just go boop, boop, boop, boop, boop. It's like I did to Amy's cat. I wasn't built for, I mean, Humira and Methotrexate worked me out. I ran five miles the other day.

Couldn't believe it. I cried. Cried during the run. Yeah, but I would caution you to, because those steroid injections are temporary relief. Just be careful. This wasn't a steroid injection. But you should, this is, I think you could really put a fun spin on it. Listen to this.

You have David tape you to the chair, put a gag in your mouth. Who do you have david tape you to the chair put a gag in your mouth who do you think did the first injection david yes yes you need to go full damsel you need to go damsel in distress and like right ball gag yes that's what i mean yeah yeah yeah like you need to be like a struggling victim a gimp yes he drags you out of the chest yeah you're in full um full latex with full latex with one of those tubes. Nipple clamps. Cock and ball torture. Oh, CBT?

No, cage. CBT. But my clit. So my swollen clit in the dick cage. No, swollen clit pumped with saline. Hello. I'm an icky fan. Six and a half gallons.

It's dragging behind me like a watermelon. You kidding? You kidding? Like a hot water bag Babe Tina The first day he did it David's like just shut up He's going to put the needle in

Let's just talk about this You really just have to do it Intramuscular One word I yell I don't know why Christmas Christmas And then it's over yell, I don't know why I go Christmas, Christmas. And then it's over. Oh, that's like your safe word. Yeah. Cool. So I went to your rehab. No, you do

to the tab. Cause every day I fantasize about doing Tabitha takes over rehab edition. And I'm like, every time I was like, I'm going to blow it up, honey. We're going to do demo reno. I raised the building. I had an idea of what you paid for it. R-A-Z-E, raise the building. I had an idea of what you paid for it. Oh yeah. I walked in, I looked around, I kicked the tires. I had an idea of what you paid for it. Raise, R-A-Z-E, raise the building. I had an idea of what you paid for it. Oh, yeah. I walked in. I looked around. I kicked the tires. I went.

Yeah. Mail staff. We got about $85 worth of West Elm furniture in here. Okay. West Elm? Honey, those ads on Instagram that are literally just a Chinese scam. Oh, yeah. Yeah.

We actually, you send money and then you send more money and you get no furniture. You get a FedEx box of plastic bags. And that's all fine. They're not meant to make you want to stay forever. Excuse your mouth, but if you're going to spend a lot of money, thank you very much, and every 20 minutes, male staff. What are they male staffing? Female staff.

What? Male staff. Let's take a break. What I could, what I found abominable at your, at your rehab was the, the design in the kitchen, the design of the kitchen.

And I don't ever want to go there and I don't want them to be mad at me. No. I know you do the Lord's work. Some of them, listen, this is shout out to the techs because they're cunty. They're cunty. Of course. Yeah.

That all matters. Rehab matters. That fucking kitchen was a, was, was. Can I just say as a reno star, pull the cabinets off the wall, sand them down, refinish them, put new knobs on them. It's a two day project and it's not that expensive. That like 2006 Fiesta Kitchen girl.

How about that squiggly top thing with the recessed lights? I hate recessed lighting. How about the recessed can lights? So when my reading light in my room was a can light, a cool temperature recessed, which gives no other vibe than saw. Right. Let's play a game. Saw. Yeah.

Let's play a game. Try. I, I dare you to, um, you have 30 days to not knock off your own leg and beat yourself to death with it. Right.

Clock is ticking. What I found egregious is of course it's an echoey place, right? Hardwood floors, tall ceilings, very beautiful tall ceilings. I actually kept thinking, God, this could be such a beautiful house. It was in a gorgeous neighborhood with very overpriced houses there. I signed in. Love that.

Because when you and I went to visit our friend at rehab, they didn't sign me in. They didn't check my pockets. I could have just came in with my six kilos of coke. With a brick of meth. Yeah. I would have gone. 100%. Mail staff.

And they're just giving them cocaine and love. But the one you were at, they had the most horrible. God, I feel like they're going to watch this. So fucking what? They had the most horrible wave sounds playing. Every room. horrible wave sounds playing. Every room had at the

foot of the door or the it was a noisemaker from Amazon. No, no. It was trying to be waves, but it wasn't waves. It was this.

It was a white noise machine that functioned nary at all. It did not function. It, it, it, it, it served its purpose.

Not at all. Because what you did hear was that horrible fucking white noise and every single word that's happening in the room. Yeah. So, and then I had the, I had the, I was the given the great pleasure,

the great, wonderful pleasure of being in the back room where there are two slatted barn doors. So there's no privacy from – there's no auditory privacy. Well, I hate barn doors. I understand. Well, then also they're painted over about six times so they don't close. So every time I got a good warning for the mail staff by the clunk, clunk, clunk of the barn doors not shutting. It was a really wonderful experience.

I can't wait to go back. And you will. And you will. You're bald. You're bald. I hate barn doors because people put them on bathrooms. And so bathroom sounds and smells. Barn doors don't even close. No, barn doors don people put them on bathrooms and so bathroom sounds and smells. Barn doors don't even close. No, barn doors don't close

and also when you have slatted ones, there's no privacy from... Just shit smells and shit sounds. Oh, you hear it bellowing down the hallway. Over. Also, the indignity of me having to steal olive oil from the kitchen to go quickly jerk off in the shower after my mail staff. I had I know I got 20 minutes.

I'd steal the extra virgin olive oil in a cup from the kitchen, run into the barn doors on the shower. Right. And then I would furiously like rub one out. And then for some reason it wasn't this it was this it was hold on yeah have you ever sharpened a pencil it was a lot like that furiously jerk off with no porn of course and it was um i think i jerked off twice in a month which is a real record for me the only saving grace was um that some of the staff was really incredible including who coined so many phrases menti b being one of them for short for mental breakdown that is so funny

to me so funny to me and we had a lot of laughs you know when you say something powerful and people like i was like what are you doing I was just telling you to hurry up. We get it. You're crackhead. God. Quit littering the story with details. No, she was great. And then lovely guy.

I can't talk about him by name. Let's talk about the art therapy. So I've been doing, my therapist told me to get crayons. And I said Crayons Don't patronize me bitch I might be bald But I'm not Tommy Pickles I'm not a child So

I get watercolor Oh yeah And I start to my watercolor By the way I love it I put on my headphones I sit outside I watercolor Fabulous

I love it I paint that day A poly pocket A teal poly pocket And you send me Your art therapy So I send you My teal poly pocket. And you send me your art therapy. So I send you my teal poly pocket and you send me

the grudge. I think I actually have it. I have both of them. Oh, you do? I have both of them. Put them up on now. Put them up now. Put them on our Instagram.

Your mother wants you. This is me. This is me in rehab. Oh, yeah. Good friend, Mary. That's me going to the bathroom when you hear through the barn doors. Where is it? Where is it? This Polly pocket. I'm going to the barn doors. Where is it? Where is it?

This Polly pocket. I'm gonna show the room. Where's my gorgeous art? This person. Oh, I got it right here. I got it right here. The small. Yeah.

Not unlike the, this reminds me of in the movie when the house is haunted and the kid is doing drawings and the mom's like, what's that? And she's like, I see this at night. You know what I mean? And what does your therapist say when they walk by and saw this? He was like, cute. I don't know. I was doing, I see this at night. You know what I mean? What did your therapist say when they walked by and saw this?

He was like, cute. I don't know. I was a 41-year-old cracker looking crayons. I mean, shit. Because they want to give you a colored pencil. Right? I mean, mama. They had the sharp.

They had the knife. Once we had steak for dinner, and I was like, can I have a knife? I was like, can I have a knife? I was like, can I have a knife? No, and they had to unlock the knife. They said, nice try. And imagine if I was just like, thank you so much. Well, that's what they don't want. I know.

Speaking of, I rewatched Invisible Man. With Elizabeth Moss? Yes, and the part where the knife slit in public. Her sister. I know. Her sister's throat. That was the gaggiest. Because they had that fun moment with the,

um, they're both making fun of the waiter in the restaurant. It was like a really like frou-frou restaurant. And then she was like, I believe you. Yeah. And then you see her eyes look to the floating knife. And then Elizabeth was like,

what? Knife slit the third hand gag. Hunty. I saw that in Germany, bitch. I think you're with me. She's definitely a Scientologist, but that whore can act. It's amazing.

I'm going to be a Scientologist tomorrow. Babe, girl, get into it. I don't care. Make me go missing. You think I'm going to take life advice from Leah Remini? I don't think so. She's probably not paying property taxes. Thank you.

Property taxes? Property taxes. Property taxes. Mama. The robbery. The tomfoolery. And you know what happened to me in Milwaukee? What? You know I didn't pay my property taxes.

You had to go to City Hall. City of Milwaukee took my house. And I had to go to Milwaukee City Hall and appeal and pay all the policies. My fees there are like $2,000 a year, my property taxes. But because of all the late fees and the penalties, I paid $8,000. Jesus. You know, they say rent, and I know we're going to veer into the territory of

unrelatable rich fuckheads, but I have to say that, you know, they always say renting is a scam. It is. But also, homeownership is very scam-like. Maybe they got you for 18 years. And on the 18th birthday, you'll find out it wasn't his.

They really do. It's scam likely. My mom's house. Taxes, fees. What for what? I mean, girl, it was crazy. My condo in Milwaukee is $120,000. Right?

Very affordable home. Yeah, cheap. 300 square feet. It's a closet. How much is 300 square feet? I have no reference. Maybe like that closet, this room and this bathroom. It's a closet. How much is 300 square feet? I have no reference. Maybe like that closet, this room, and this bathroom. It's small.

For real? I pay $2,000 a year on property taxes. For my house here? We can't even get into it. We can't even get into it. And I know owning a home is a privilege, but I didn't understand property taxes. I didn't know. It's so crazy.

You owe money for your house existing on earth. Yeah. I know you're wondering why am I so red. Well, because I've been, the only thing that I was able to do at rehab was convince them to take us tanning three times in a row. In the car. Tell them what you call the car. The druggie buggy. Is that like a clinical term?

Yes. Are you kidding me? The white van? Now, so you know what adds insult to injury is that I have been to a treatment center that is booboo the fool, no cook. We had to fend for ourselves, groceries, share a room, and to suffer the indignity of having to load up into a white pedo rape van and then get carted to a meeting in Surprise, Arizona, where people are vaping on carburetors in a church basement. That's tough. Surprise, Arizona. Surprise,

bitch. Yeah. I can't take that. It's too much. Surprise, Arizona. We're hunting for scorpions. We've golfed.

By the way, drag is so played out that literally could be a drag queen's name. Yeah. Surprise, Arizona. Yeah. Well, we had talked to,

we discussed earlier that I'm going on, I'm back on Canada versus New Mexico, where the fuck their drag race is doing. Now, by the way their drag race is doing. In a time where world relations are very trepidatious, why are these shows called, well, I'm on Drag Race, Nuclear War. All these names are so crazy. Iran versus Russia.

Literally, well, I'm on Drag Race, Kuwait versus the world. It's really crazy. It's wild. But I'm going on as Gwen. I have a selfie stick, a long flat wig, and a bunch of bracelets. Yes, because this is the thing. Drag queens are kindred spirits. They're doing carnival floats from the get-go for the mini challenge.

Zoomanity. Zoomanity. Just for their work from entrance. It's crazy. Now, drag queens, back in the day, our sisters in the club, of course, are the trans women. Yeah. And our other cousins are one-eyed cousins are the CDs. The Tiffany Club.

Yes. The gentlemen who have maybe children and husbands who go out in drag. They want to feel the sheer leg fantasy of it. Yeah. And their kink is to look at and be looked at. Yeah. And they often, let's say, aren't giving an illusion. No, it's your Uncle Bob in a wig.

And you're a showgirl, you're in glitter and you're a giant wig and you're a boa and you're like, fuck me. And then they come up and they're like, hey honey, you girls look nice. I really love what you're doing on stage there, little lady. And they're often in let's say Charlotte Roos on a good day. Honey, and Taylor Loft.

Yes. It's got a turtleneck With one necklace With a single pendant Black jeans Black jeans And a blouse Maybe a chain belt Over a sweater

Maybe Maybe With a barrette What do you think about whale tails? Maybe one of those Yeah yeah yeah But I think what Drag Race needs Is like 11

Cunty drag Queens from all of the States. And when it needs to cast a lovely CD from North Carolina. Yeah. Yeah. Who has nothing but denim. Yeah. And,

and yeah. And women's flannel. She really, she really goes to broke at that finale when she brings out all the bracelets and she goes, she goes like this. Oh, her,

she brings out her ring with her birthstone. It's this big. Peridot. Peridot. And she goes up to the judges and she goes, and then she gets, she takes her little black Chanel, fake Chanel boots and her,

and she just walks out. You know what it is? It's always a sundress. And it's always the first person dance at the club at 8 p.m no i think it's out there like this no i really it's always you know what my fantasy is though my fantasy is i am coming with a chunky cable knit off the shoulder sweater dress with a chain belt right and then a boot cut jean with a mule or like a mule, a two inch mule with a mother pearl toe buckle. Oh yeah. And I'm going French tip press ons, badly glued.

Yes. Rooted side part. No lashes. Are you kidding me? No foundation. No, no. Excuse you. I do bare minerals.

I do a frosted lip. And the wrong color. Super light. Super light. Super light. Super light. So it really, excuse you. I do bare minerals. I do a frosty lip. And the wrong color. Super light. Super light. So it really, that light bounces off of it. And definitely use your real hairline. A hundred percent. A hundred percent. The wig is sitting back here.

It's very Elizabeth, Queen Elizabeth. And also, I'm doing black eyeliner way under. Way under the eye. In a cat eye that goes down. And if you do do a lash round. Make sure it's a 301 and it hangs off the edge of your eye. Yeah, drowned cat eye.

Drowned cat eye and then spider. I'll cut the 301 and then I'll put it, I'll glue it about an inch off the lash. And for the lip, can I just request a dark purple lip liner and a light frosty lipstick? A frost. A frost. A wet and wild frost. 100%. From like 2002.

Frozen grapes. Yes. A color like that. Yeah. Frozen grapes. And I'll get my, I will splurge on getting my ears pierced a second hole. So I'll do two studs. By the way, don't bad mouth wet and wild.

I'm not. I'm just saying it's from 2002, so it's all gummed up. Oh, it's perp. Yes, from 2002 so it's all gummed up. Oh, it's perp. Yes, of course. It's all gummed up.

It's really, so I'm really going to give it to him and I'm going to wear a choker because I would never hold, I would never show this at them sample. Right. A velvet choker with a cameo on it. Chunky cowl neck sweater.

That's what I mean, over the shoulder. Yeah. You have to. And tailored loft clearance section. I just think drag has gotten so good. We need to remind people that there's a lot of different fun cross-dressing going on in the world. And some of it's not showgirl material.

Yes. And also, listen, I'm going to burn up those challenges. Don't get me twisted. Don't get it twisted. Yeah. I'm going to burn up the challenges. I'm going to do great. I'm just not going to do carnival float on the runway because I feel like that's corny now.

It's also so expensive. Girl. Who has the money to do that? I don't even have the money corny now. It's also so expensive. Girl. Who has the money to do that? I don't even have the money to do that. And I have a lot of money. If you and I were on All Stars now, which we're about to start Pit Stop this week. I can't wait to see what these rich drag queens are pulling out. It's too much.

If you and I were on Drag Race now. We'd go right into the workroom and then walk right out. Grab some lipstick, write on the mirror and be escorted out. That's what would happen. They wouldn't even turn the engine off the van. Girl, I don't know. RuPaul herself is waiting to drive us home. They'll be like, so we

noticed you brought suitcases. What are those about? Don't unpack. We're going to carry on. And by the way, we're going to make you go through TSA because we don't even trust you. We'll be the only drag queens they put through TSA if you go on Drag Race. It's really crazy. I can't wait to start it because I was looking

at their promo looks and I was like, I don't even know where to get this stuff. And I don't even aspire to that level of drag. I don't either. I mean, I'm excited. I got some new boots. I got some new leather boots in the mail. And they are so cunt. They're so cunt for me.

Do you know what I mean? They're cunt for me. Do you know what I mean? They're like, for you, they're cunt for me. And then by comparison, I was saying like earlier, it's like, it really gives my drag really gives like Thursday night,

a second choice babysitter in Des Moines. Right. Second choice, not the first choice. It's like Thursday night, nine, like nine to 12. Heavy smoker.

Heavy. Yes. Gwen. Gwen. Oh shit Donna wasn't available So we gotta call Gwen Donna wasn't

Donna wasn't available So we're calling Gwen And you think You think we can Trust her on the kids I mean she smokes a lot Last time She almost burned down the house

Ugh call her Right It's our anniversary babe We gotta call her Well last time we got home She was blowing smoke Directly in the face Of our newborn

Well that's Gwen The newborn came home It had a cigar And was blowing rings But in the face of our newborn. Well, that's Gwen. The newborn came home, had a cigar, and was blowing rings. But that's Gwen. Boss baby. That's just Gwen. I know we're almost done, but I have more to say. Hold on. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

I'm not done about this shit list. So this is a public service announcement. If you thought you were my friend and you didn't come visit me in rehab, we got some splainin' to do. That's it. To be honest, when I first came, I brought Fina because I was like,

I don't know if she really wants us to visit her. Are you joking? Are you joking? I couldn't tell if you would have even wanted us to visit. I was desperate for you to come visit. I'm so glad you did.

I couldn't have told. I was like, does she really want us out of her face during this or does she want us to come or I don't know. God, I love that you came. And Jennifer too.

It was great. It was just like, because there wasn't just a lot there wasn't a lot of stimulation it was different than when we visited

our friend in rehab do you remember the meal we got prepared a meal that was some of the best food I've ever some of the best food

and where did we eat by the pool facing the ocean the food was so good it was gorgeous it was a gorgeous spread a buffet

a buffet and a buffet. And then we lounged by the infinity pool overlooking the Pacific Ocean. I felt like Suzanne Somers on Star Island. Yeah, it was wild. On Starry Island? Star Island. What's that? You know what that island, I think it's in Miami where like Gloria Estefan lives.

And like, there's an island where it's like $30 million homes were only super famous. Like Suzanne Somers level money, like, like home shopping network. Oh wow. Gloria Estefan. It's like star Island. And like,

there's a boat that goes by with tourists that they like hope to see Suzanne Somers. I don't know. Sunbathing. Wow. Well, let me say, okay.

Speaking of stars, I have to, we got to end with this. So I was talking to Ash Gordon and I'm, I was talking to Gretchen Felker Martin and oh, I saw two great horror movies, but we can save for the next one. I was talking to Gretchen. She was like, she was so sweet.

She's an incredible author and film critic. And she's like, hey, listen, if you're, you know, I know you're having a tough time. If you ever need like a comfort movie, Moonstruck always hits the spot. Okay. And boy, the fuck was she right. I've never seen it.

It is so good. What's it about? It's about, it's basically like an ethnic comedy of like an Italian family and a love story. It's like a screwball comedy. It's 60s, right? No, 1987. Cher, Nicolas Cage, Olympia Dukakis. It's about, it's an incredible ensemble comedy movie.

Is Mermaids the Cher movie? Mermaids, yeah. 60s? Yeah. With Winona Ryder and Christina Ricci. Okay, sorry. But this is 1987. This is the snap out of it.

This is Moonstruck. Snap out of it! It's so funny. It's so good. She looks so beautiful. She won an Oscar for it. So did, I think, Olivia Dukakis,

best supporting actress. Thanks. Do you remember Queen of Flips saying, Oh, no. Her share? That's so fierce.

Also, braces, cunty. Gwen has braces, by the way. She has the clear braces that looks like Gwen. Gwen has a glass eye. And she didn't even bring it.

Oh, my God. She left it at home. Like, are you out of your mind a caved in black hole of one eye and then white braces that look like shit on her teeth you know like the clear braces that are not clear and they look like you just had

no no no not Invisalign these are the clear that look like you just like chomped on a bunch of corn and didn't chew just get braces just Just get silver. Absolutely. But Gwen can't be, you can't tell her.

So she's got those nasty teeth with the caved in glass. I should forgot in the, in the van. And you know what song sends Gwen to the fucking dance floor? What? Black Velvet. Yeah. Or let's go.

Let's go home girls. You know? So, okay. Wait, Moonstruck. You got to watch it. go home, girls. You know. So, okay, Moonstruck. You got to watch it. I'll watch it. It is... It's probably on TCM. It's perfect.

It's a perfect movie. It's a perfect movie. It's so good. It's so funny. It's so cute. It's so romantic. It's so lovely. What's it about?

It's about an Italian family. They all like the mother. She's 37 years old, lives with her mother and with her father. And it's like in New York City and it's a love story between there's like a screwball love story, but it's really like an Italian family comedy. It's

fucking amazing. Can't wait. I'm going to watch it. You'll love it. It's so funny. I did. The last movie you told me to watch was Saw and I did watch it. With the bone marrow? It's good though. It's good. Loved it. Oh, with the bone marrow? It's good though. It's good. Loved it. But you know what though? Why chop off the leg? Mary, if you're

not going to get it done in the time, what are we doing? Also, when you're staring down the barrel of a pretty fucking quick decapitation, just say your Hail Mary and be done. That's what I watched and I went, I would have just waited for the head chop off.

Just save your Hail Mary. Because she wasn't, she not only was tasked with putting the tourniquet on, sawing off her own fucking leg. She had to jam a cannula into her bone to get enough bone marrow. I mean, who's going to fucking do that in two minutes? It kind of was not enough time, I thought. Oh, 20. But then it's a whole long, it's a real long movie. What's the worst saw trap?

Because there's some bad ones. I really didn't like where she had to go rummaging through the needles. That was really... Seems right up your alley. I know, but that was like, I know, like, that was like, that was a little like, I thought that was a little hateful. It's a little spiteful. My least favorite

is the one in the room where the key to it is on a fishing line in her stomach on a hook. And he has to pull it out her trachea. And if she screams at all above a decibel, they like both die. So he's trying to yank a huge fishing hook with keys on it out her trachea. And her eyes are watering and she's trying not to scream. It's horrible. I've never heard of that. I never saw that one and I never want to.

That one's horrible. I never want to see that. Yeah. Those movies, I don't, the older I get, honestly, gore torture porn is not for me. I'm sorry. I kind of am thinking the same thing because, so Gretchen also recommended I see Infested, which is a 2024 French film about spiders. That makes arachnophobia look like Pee-wee's Playhouse.

It's scary. I was watching the trailer. She's like, you will fucking scream. She said she cried. And this bitch is sick. This bitch is fucked up. I watched the trailer on my phone. I threw my phone across the room

and screamed. Right. Disgusting. I'm going to watch it. Yeah, I'm going to watch it too. Okay. Bye. Bye. you