The Basement Yard - #250 - Joe Kisses Danny
Episode Date: July 13, 2020On this episode, we dive into Danny's dream where Joe kissed him at a party...we also dive into the dark underworld of the Karens. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices...
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Welcome back to the basement yard. We got to masquerade snowflakes coming right at you
What was that?
What are you saying?
Sorry, I can't talk with this thing on. It's very hard for me
That was a horrible fucking joke, dude. My god. Well, you're fired. What do you mean?
That was terrible. That's what all the Karens do
What if they can't talk in it? Yeah, they're always just like I can't talk in this. I can't breathe in this
This isn't my constitutional rights to wear this mask on my face
I'll be honest with you. The mask is a bit. It's a bit in the beginning of this episode
But also at the same time all the fucking stuff that's been going on in these supermarkets just out of control
That's what I'm saying and that's one of their main arguments is like I can't breathe in this
Like, you know, it can hear me when I'm speaking
If you can't breathe through a mask
You might have emphysema. Yeah, cuz it's not that hard some's off unless you're sprinting. Yeah, some's off at your lung capacity
Yeah, dude, like what the fuck is going on and it's also it's I really don't I mean I tweeted about this like people you they ask you
You know supermarkets are like, hey, can you please wear a mask because you know
We're trying to stop the spread of a virus and we heard that like this could help and everyone's like my freedom
Like they lose their minds. I didn't know I didn't know that that wearing a mask would challenge so many people's
freedom
Dude, I don't know what the fuck it is like and I tweeted I'm like wait until this woman finds out that you have to stop at red lights
Yeah, like oh, I can't just drive
I can't I gotta listen to the government to keep us safe from crashing into each other thing that scares me the most about them
Is how childlike they get because there was a woman I think in Whole Foods
Who just started throwing everything out of her cart onto the floor?
Like eggs and fuck it everything she's like fuck it take it. I don't care this shit take all this shit take all this
Hey paprika, they're all just like I don't understand the correlation the correlation correlation coalition
Correlation is correlation a word
Correlation is for sure a word, but is it coalition or correlation?
Isn't it coalition?
Coalition or correlation correlation. What's coalition? Is that like a team?
Yes
Yeah, it's got like a faction. It's like yeah, my my coalition
But it you were the word you're looking for is correlation alright, so I was right the first time
Yeah, I gotta go out a hole. I gotta stick with my gut sometimes. I gotta stick with my yeah, I got stick with my gut, but uh
Yeah, this correlation of like the Constitution and having to wear a mask
I'm sure the supermarket doesn't want to have to wear a mask all day either
Yeah, but it's like dude if we could stop people from getting this so we could fucking go back outside
That'd be awesome. Well, it's just shut up
the fuck
Like why I like I don't understand it's like oh first, you know, I love it the people people go first
It's masks they say in Nazi Germany used to make the the the Jewish people wear stars
Oh, and I'm like it's a
She's like there you know first of all that whole clip of people from Florida like at whatever this town hall meeting
Telling people telling people why they should be like allowed to wear not allowed to wear mask
It's uh, it's one of them. It's like all of you know like the secret society is gonna come and get you
Like all of you are sick. You have sticky brains
And one woman just like blame the devil. She was like you're covering your God-given mouth or
Like the words the Lord's math. I'm like, what the fuck are you talking about imagine being woman stupid?
Yeah, one of the and then one woman's like
She ended her fucking speech because you know they all bring like little speeches that they wrote out how cute and then she
And then she goes I
Don't wear a mask for the same reason. I don't wear underwear
Things gotta breathe and then she turned around and just walked out like she crushed it didn't didn't mind that one
Because at least it was hilarious. Yeah, I didn't mind that one like a part like that would have got a small sarcastic like yeah
Out of me like a five is in the courtroom. Yeah, I love how she's like this is what's happening. I'm not wearing a mask
Trump 2020
Yeah, and then Trump yesterday's like yeah, I'd wear a mask and like a large gathering
No, it's just it's it's ridiculous and I like the politicians are hilarious too because they can't
say to wear a mask because then
The people that support them will be like what? Yeah, so they just say like you should just follow the rules
Well, he lost my say it. He lost my vote with the mask
You lost me there. You lost my with the mask brother
Yeah, I just like it's insane and it's it's just crazy to see like I
Don't know what it is just when white people lose their minds. It's so funny to me
Oh, yeah, like that like they've been oppressed for hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of years
Well, I'm not even making it like a comparable thing to like black people or whatever
I'm just saying it's just funny to see them like their mannerisms like you know, it's this is like
This position is like when a white woman's match he goes. Oh
The double hip locked in this woman's gonna argue for the next two out
Oh, yeah, well the thing is they're willing to die in that Whole Foods. Oh my god and Whole Foods
It's always one hand because the other hands like holding some like, you know, 1% milk and then she takes this one. She goes. Oh
Really?
You're gonna tell me my constitutional rights don't matter
We're in the Constitution doesn't say hey, what's up if there's a pandemic you don't have to wear a mask
You know when do they start is that yeah
And yeah, also like someone tweeted me and said like because I gave the I tweeted something about how
Like I made the joke of like, you know, wait till this woman finds out we have to stop at red lights
You know, she's gonna be like, oh my god our rights and then someone tweeted me and was like, yeah
But driving is a luxury and just your own like your person and walking around
Is not and I was like you and he's and forcing people to wear something is
Is not the same and I was like you have to wear clothes
100% it is a law
Otherwise you go to jail. Yes for
expose in the peace
Like this guy not realize that like you have your rights. You can't just walk outside naked dude
Can't do it. It's illegal. There's children around. I've learned that the hard way
You've learned that the hard way. No, I'm about to say I love that all politicians wear their mask the wrong ways
The wrong way like yeah, like, you know, it's like make sure you wear your mask like the nose is there
You see what was that video that guy trying to fucking put his mask on kept going this beginning of the pandemic
It was funny when he was like trying it's like guy. It's very simple. He's like wear a mask outside
All right, we're trying to get this thing
It comes through your eyes
Yeah, and you know, honestly one thing that's like kind of funny is like the birth of
This Karen meme where everyone just like when some woman's losing her mind
They just like call her Karen
But I feel like I feel like there should be like levels because there's certain kinds of
Karen's
And and like people losing their minds like you can't just be a Karen like Karen to me are just like
Crazy fucking people like that, you know, these are the women that like lose their minds
Everything's political and they want to drown their kids
That's like Super Saiyan Super Saiyan Karen. Yeah, it's like the the the final evolved form. It's Charizard
She's Charizard. Yeah, you know I'm saying and then you have I mean, I think it starts at like, you know, like a like a
like a Linda a
Linda is a very, you know, white name of a woman that I just kind of picture
You know snooping on their her neighbors or whatnot or someone speeds past their house
They're like, well, I'm writing a letter to the mayor or some shit. Yeah, Linda Linda on the base level
Can be very condescendingly Conti
Right, you know what I'm saying? Yeah, so it's like I also like if you if you've ever written a letter to the mayor to put up more
Stop signs or some shit like something with the traffic like a like a light like we need more lights because someone's sped past your house
That's Linda right there. Yeah, or like if you're not she's not confrontational though. No, no, no, no, no
She's very she does it from her house behind the blinds. Yeah
Like something somebody will say somebody will say something like offend her and she's like, oh
Okay, but then when the doors are closed and when she's home, she's hot shit. Yeah
She's sending emails
She's got binoculars and she's spying on her Spanish neighbors like wondering like what they're doing over there, you know
That's Linda and like donating to like
anonymously to like go fund me's to like
Figure out like how to get these masks off their face
Yeah, yeah, I'm doing like that like she's not she's not gonna write Linda on her donation. It's gonna say anonymous
She's got she's got some she's got some people that are fringe, you know Democrats and her family says you just want to make people sad and upset
That's that's the type of Linda condescendingly Conti
Yeah, honest and yo fucking we'll get into that but and then I think the next one, you know the next kind of
Evolved form. What's the Charmander right Charmander and it's Charme
No, no, it's so it's Charmander Charmeleon Charizard. That's what I said. No, no, no, no, no
You said Charmander and then you said Charmeleon
Are we working away working our way up or down here? No, we're working up. We're working up. Okay. All right
Karen Charizard Char Karen. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, she's a Charizard and then we have
We have a fucking Charmander. So Char Char linder
Char linder and then I think in the middle we have a woman named like Beth
You know a million Beth. Yes Beth million
I picture to be like, you know a bigger woman and she's not afraid to throw down on Black Friday over the toaster up
She's going to fight. She's willing to die on a target floor for her child's hot wheels
Yeah, like she's she's dead. She's gonna get this sale. You know what I'm saying?
She's not gonna be and she's the type of person that brings her kids with her on Black Friday
Yes
Yes, and sends them out to do yeah, she's like you go get the TV you go get the paper towels paper towels
I'm gonna go get the toys and she's got like sunglasses on the back of her head like
Sunglasses, you know, I'm saying they're very good like a lanyard with a bunch of keys on and they're polarized
Yeah. Oh, yeah, I mean
I mean for protection and I don't want to go
This far, but I'm going to she needs but does it need to ride one of those carts?
Yeah, like a that's a Walmart kind of version of stuff
Yeah, like she's like she needs the cart but her children are her little extension minions that go and grab her things
To put in the basket
So Beth Milian could work. That's how Beth Milian functions at the at her fucking highest fucking uh, you know, yeah
Beth's like they save their energy in in those little carts at
Walmart not because she's like disabled but just because she's like lazy and she just kind of drives around
And she saves her energy for a fight. That's what it is that cart beat the shit out of you, dude fucking beat your face the applesauce
That's the type of person that you don't want to fuck with on black Friday is a fucking Beth
Coming around the corner with two little dirty ass kids
Yeah, like they got like the fucking Vita pups slushy lip and shit, you know
The daughter's just like her she tried to cut her own hair the night before so her shit
And this the chair like the kids lips are so chat
Oh, they're so you could light a match off this kid's fucking mouth
These kids are these kids are fucking gross
But they know where everything is because they're so used to shopping with their fucking disgusting mom so like
They're a little like you want to know what it is. It's like
They're like these little thieves like in the night that would happen during like a basically a post apocalyptic world
These children would know how to function on their own and their mom would be like a boss
Right. Yeah, you know, they would go from camp to camp like rummaging through people's bags
Yeah, and I think and then you I mean and then you get to Karen and Karen
We know it's just you know, she's a psycho woman like she can't handle anything. Well Karen's
They go there's all different shapes and sizes of Karen's
Yeah, I mean mostly though you see a Karen out in traffic
Like they get really upset when you like take their parking space or cut them off
Oh, yeah out of their car in the middle of a freeway, but then there's like, you know, there's like a petrified a
Petrified Karen which would take like seven or eight pokeballs to get because that bitch would be squirming out of that fucking thing
Yeah, you need a you'd need a couple master balls. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah great ball at least. Oh
Definitely gonna lose one or two master balls because these people do not want anything to do with anyone around
We're gonna need a game shark in here. Oh, I need a cheat. We're gonna need to shit a game shark
Awesome, yeah, dude, they were but uh, that's what it is. It's like there's petrified Karen, which is like don't oh my god
Did I ever tell you the stories when I got on the sixth train?
No, I don't know what I just said, but I remember I was on the sixth train one time
And I was going to work and the sixth train is just packed like a Japanese train
Like there's so many people in there. Yo, the Japanese trains are fucking insane by the way
I need to know how much you guys get paid pushing people. How do people not die on the train every day?
If anyone ever tried to jam me into a train, I'm gonna beat the fucking shit out of you
Yeah, I guess they're just used to it. They just like get shoved in that train. It's fucking wild. They had to work
Um, I you know, I appreciate the dedication, but we were on the sixth train very packed train and
This woman just started losing it like we're all touching each other
You know what I'm saying like we're all crushed in like for two stops and this woman just started going
I was like, oh here we go, bro
I was so glad that she was like three people over for me. So I was like, I'm good
I'm not gonna, you know have to defend myself against this woman was probably gonna swing her bag of apples at me or something
Was she like did she look like she was all there and she was just having a bad day
Or was she like a little bit like, you know, New York City riding subway a little bit too long. I don't know, dude
Just
She could have just missed her cab or something. I don't like I
Don't know. She looked fine. You remember that vine that was I was told by Apple care
that I could come in and get the part I
Don't know that's a carrot do that. I don't know why people do that man people who scream at
in stores
They terrify me stores. I won't scream
Phones I will
But you're in the privacy of your own domain. Yeah, like I'm very good at like getting money back
From like phone. Yeah, but you yell. Yeah, there's been times like I need to speak to somebody
Really, yeah, like I like I go like full like your supervisor on the phone. I need to speak to somebody with a brain
Yeah
You just start going up the chain and you're like put on the CEO right now
Put the CEO sprint on the phone now. I
Want to know why I mean, I'm not a yeller
I don't really even know what could happen in a store that would really piss me off that much to be honest with you
All right, say let me let me create a couple scenarios for you
Okay, all right, you bought an actual store. Yeah, you bought a gift for your mom, right?
It's a custom like jewelry piece that she's always wanted and you're like, I'm gonna get it and they said hey come in
It's ready
Mm-hmm. You go in
They sold it
I mean, I would be pissed but I wouldn't like I'd be like why would you sell it?
I just talked to you on the phone like the fuck is going on and then but I wouldn't be like no
I want answers. Why did you sell it like I wouldn't lose it see it's hard for me to lose it too
But I this is America. What are we doing?
You know, I love when people get so mad that they refer back to the whole country. Yeah, this is the land of the free
I don't think I've ever had a moment where
I've had to revert back to my citizenship at all whatsoever. Oh or just like, you know
You go back to the Constitution and you're just like quoting. It's like article 114
No, like sir, you can't do that in here. It's like wait a second
Did you know I was watching Eric Andre special by the way? Did you know that in the Constitution?
It says that a soldier could
Uh, it's like you have the right to deny a soldier from trying to live in your house
What yeah, apparently it's like there was apparently so many soldiers had to live in people's homes at one point
Yeah, that in the Constitution, they were like, yeah, no more of this like soldier sleep over shit
I
Mean so we have a right so if any like Vietnam War vet ever comes just like hey man, let me in you could be like hey
I know my rights guy
Get out of here bum
Get out of here your war fighting bum
but like
That's what I like. I mean
Thing was written so long ago. That's why it's like listen like
By wig-wearing men who had syphilis. Yeah, do we have to go into this again? Let's just let's just let's just you know like
The Constitution should be the Constitution, but like an iOS. You know I'm saying
Yeah, like you should have bug fixes and improvements from time to time
That's what I'm saying with the iPhone like it's a great piece of technology, but we need updates. Yeah
You know I'm saying we change the outlook of it. Can we rewrite a version where it's easier to read and it's not in this old
Shakespearean like tone like can we get like
Throw some curse words in there or something and can we shrink down John Hancock's John Hancock just a little bit?
how big of a fucking
Little dick fuck you have to be to write your name that big on the Declaration of Independence
I don't know man, but
It's crazy
Did Nicholas Cage actually steal the Declaration of Independence in that movie? Yeah, he stole the yeah, he's if if
I think they let him
Get close to the real one, but then they gave him a stunt one because no one's just going to let you steal the Declaration of Independence Day
Declaration of Independence Day
Uh, yo, you know, it's crazy
Um, you know how like I always refer back to this where whatever thought you have
Someone's had before right there are no original thoughts really
So I I really thought about like in that movie with Nicholas Cage. He
fucking uh
Gets the Declaration of Independence and on the back of it
There's like you hold a black light to it because someone wrote it and like lemon or some shit
And he has a map there has to be people out there that believe that
Hell yeah, dude, dude when like the Da Vinci code was out people fucking lost their shit
I don't remember. I don't even remember that movie because I saw it when I was super young
I didn't understand what was going on everybody thinks that like
Some dude 400 years ago knew to leave some secret message on a very important document
And it's like guys
Go outside
with a mask
Okay, find uh, you know some kind of other hobby because you have a better chance of finding fucking
Of treasure on the beach than finding something from the Declaration of Independence that's written in piss
Written in piss, uh, that's another thing that I think is so weird like at what age I just wonder if
Uh at a certain age
I'm gonna just get old enough where I'm just gonna be one of those old dudes on the beach like
Scanning for metal
See listen, here's a at least like it's old people like at least they have a hobby and they're outside being active though
I mean, I'm not shitting on them. I just think it's fucking hilarious
but
come on
Realistically, what stories do you hear it's like
Old man out for walk finds 10 million dollars
In the beach, I don't think they're looking for 10 million dollars, but they are looking for left behind like rings and like chains and
Coins and maybe every so often they find like a pirate coin or something
Does that exist it's gonna sound really dumb, but like
Uh
So, you know how like pirates of the Caribbean, right?
Yeah
Were there pirates like that?
Like ahoy matey. Yeah
I mean, I yeah, I think so or are those made up
No, I think pirates, you know, I mean, there still are pirates. They're a little more modern
But you know, there used to be pirates back in the day that would like, you know
I'm saying we're eyeliner and like shoot cannons at each other and shit. Is that true dirty?
Yeah, they would die from like uti's probably though because like they don't shower
They just gotta wait for it to rain. So I always wondered I'm like, how do they make all these boats with cannons on them back then?
How are they like, how do they have the ingenuity?
I mean, I think it would take a while to build a boat and then you just kind of wheel the cannons on
Problems off a whole lot of drinking of rum
Oh my god, just drink rum probably a bunch of plundering and raping and you know all kinds of
stuff
You could not pay me to be a pirate
Yeah, I don't think they did pay him to be honest with you
I think they just kind of like, you know, they gave him like a shilling every so often to keep him on
Yeah, if you're the captain of a pirate ship
How do you even get paid if you don't find treasure?
You don't mean that you rob you rob
You just got to rob people on the sea when you think about it. That's a pretty good place to be a criminal
There's no one around
I mean now we have you know, you got the coast guard down the name coast guard, but
But they can't see the whole ocean. No ocean's big
Ocean's huge
Can you imagine a pirate ship that had like an EMP blast?
Where you could like blast a fucking ship and now they can't call anybody you can just rob the shit out of them
Well, I feel like service is terrible out in the ocean like you need a radio a radio
No, yeah, I mean dude, they got him. Was that movie about Omar?
No, Omar
uh, yeah, uh
Cuba Gooding jr. Almost said Omar Gooding. Isn't that the guy that was on and baby boy and was on like
That's what's Cuba Gooding's brother's name that was like on those like
Nickelodeon shows I only know Cuba. I only know you know, you know Omar Gooding. He was on all that I think
Omar yeah, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, then he was in baby boy with Tyrese
Right, I never I've never seen that it's Cuba Gooding's brother, but uh
Was that a true story and I've never seen the story that movie radio
Oh, he was like a mentally challenged. I haven't seen it
But he like builds radios and like you like something about football
I don't know but I thought you were gonna talk about the other movie where he was like a diver with like Robert De Niro or some
Shit, oh that movie. Yeah, and he's just like racist to him the whole time. Yeah
Yeah, yeah, and they have like a like a like a drown off
Yeah, what the fuck is that? What a stupid thing. What a dumb ass fucking stupid bar to go to
Yeah, yeah, oh I'm speaking of which it's gonna have a drown off tonight
She's like i'm a better diver than you. No, you're not. Well, let's hold our breath underwater till one of us dies
I love how at the end of that movie spoiler
Like he cuba gooding jr. Gets injured and like he wants to rejoin the navy and ship
But like his body can't hold up like the the weight of the suit
So Robert De Niro comes into the courtroom
And basically wills him to like be able to walk in the suit while calling him cookie
Which was a racial slur that he would use with him because he was like the first black guy in the like that was seal worthy
So they're having this amazing moment
And Robert De Niro was like walk to me cookie
And i'm just like
Is anybody else not seeing this?
I mean, you know, that's just
That's just guys, you know just guys being dudes guys being dudes
I actually talked to someone recently
I was actually talking to someone recently who was in the merchant marine academy and they told me a whole bunch of gay stuff
Oh, yeah, those guys suck the shit out of each other's cocks
Well, no that that not that
Todd, what are you basing that on?
I feel like so many people are gay in the military and they still can't just be like openly gay like let them suck a fucking
Uh, no, uh semen's cock
No, what I meant was so like they told I I was you know fed this information that uh
You know, you're on a ship with a bunch of dudes for however long gay
No
So you're on a ship with a bunch of dudes. So like, you know
Dudes they dudes jerk off
Dudes dudes do that. Yeah, dude. Do not do that
Dude, I would do that on a four hour whale tour
What the fuck is a whale tour when you go out in the ocean look for whales
You've jerked off on a whale tour. No, I'm saying I would like if it's not like I'm lost at sea writing handwritten letters to my fucking girlfriend
Like I have to jerk off and like I have a lantern and shit like I would jerk off my dear Sheila. Yeah
I would jerk off on a regular boat who cares. No, yeah
So they would they would jerk off and if you got caught jerking off people would get pissed at you
So they'd make you play a game that they called mushy cookie
where uh, you know a bunch of dudes would stand around a cookie
And jerk off onto this cookie and the last one to jack
Had to eat the cookie
And I was like, hey man
There's probably better ways to prevent people from jerking off on this. I really don't think the answer is
uh
Come filled treats, uh
But even though it's like if you get caught jerking off
You're still not guaranteed that you have to eat this cookie. So you're telling me I could jerk off
Come on a cookie and possibly you have to eat it
Sign me up
I'm not you know
Sometimes it's you know, I I'm not confident
Unless you're confident in like how fast do you think you can you could jerk off like
Start to finish like
Literally don't don't even be funny. Like what is it? What is the amount of time?
48 seconds. Are you kidding me dude? I'd come fast, bro
You could just pop off like jerking off to me. Is it like is it because you would just like go at a crazy speed?
Or it's like a mental or is it like a muscle like that's what I'm saying. Will it out of you?
Well, it's just like this is for like medicinal reasons. Like I'm not doing it because it's just like
Yeah, like I just want to get in touch with my body. I'm like if I don't come right now. I'm gonna die
Right. Yeah, but I'm saying like how do you actually get it off at 48 seconds?
Like I feel like there's got to be some other no
No, it's like
Like if you're watching porn or whatever whatever's getting you stimmed, uh, whatever's getting you stimmied
You know, I try to get myself like horned up enough
That like I'm already fully
Oh, yeah, I'm not talking from the deflated balloon to fin. I'm talking about
From just from pure hard penis
I would say hard penis to ending the the show. Oh
Yeah, like 40 seconds
I don't
I'm not confident like I just think I think I think
I think the like, uh
I think it's the circle jerk is gayer than eating the cookie to be honest
Uh
Are me and you jerking off next to each other and like, yeah
Yeah
Yes, I actually asked that. I'm like, is there, uh, you know a audience and there was
Um, because you know other people had to referee
Um
And I actually thought it was counterproductive to be upset that people were jerking off on a ship
And then be like we're now we're gonna make more people jerk off on a ship
Like I'd be like, okay. I feel like we're not getting what we want done right now
Well, nothing says, you know bonding like eating each other's cum. That's a great bonding experience
I also asked what kind of cookie it was chocolate chip. Those are good cookies. So, you know anything
If you're gonna come on anything and eat it, that's pretty good
Yeah, I don't mind that oatmeal raisin shit like come on
Now where are they getting this cookie from and how big is this cookie?
I mean, it's gotta be a regular, you know chips ahoy standard size. God that thing is painted then
Yeah, yeah, I don't think like the chef's making specific
You know, uh
Target practice cookies in there, you know
I could be wrong though
That can't be sanitary
Uh, no, that's a surefire way to get some, you know siffy or some herpes. Yeah, you know ghani
Something I don't know you could get something they call the clappy
Clappy, I don't think you can catch a clap from your mouth
Um, I think when there's that much of a mixture your body doesn't know what's going on
I think it cancels everything cancels each other out
No, I don't think that's how that work. I don't think it, you know, it's like that
I don't think it's like that. I think that it actually adds. I think there's a multiplication and not a canceling out
I think if anything you can create a new strand of something there
You could become pregnant
That I don't know for sure, but I said it something very dumb
I get it. I know where babies come from
Go ahead. Please say what I want you to say
But there was a point in my life
Yeah, I was I was little
Yeah, like I was young
And I thought that you got it from like
Sucking a penis too
Got what that you could get pregnant
I'm sucking a penis and and like swallowing swallowing the the the baby the baby juice
I that would be a horrible world to live in wouldn't it be a whole lot of pregnant bitches out there running around
Oh
And apparently sailors dude apparently merchant marine academy dudes dude every dude in the navy would be pregnant apparently they're playing mushy cookie
Yeah, also gay name. Wait, hold on. Oh never mind. That was a stupid question. Super question. That was bad
No, no, you have to say it. I just said that I thought that you can get pregnant from blowjobs and I was like 12
Well, I was gonna say if there's two
This is so stupid dude
I was gonna say if there's two dudes, let's say hypothetically two dudes
You know, there's an ejection
From two dudes in one area hot hot. I'm trying to clean this up
I thought that maybe there could be a possibility of like two different babies, but you know, that's true
Oh, no, only one sperm wins. No, no, no, no
Yes, there is a scientific fact
Look it up. You're already off to a hot start. Look it up
That if two dudes
Not in one lay at lat let uh madame
There could be possible twins and one can belong to joe and one could belong to me
Is that true, I believe that is true and I'm willing to stake my entire reputation on it
well
There goes that but isn't
What is twins? What is twins? Is that is it one egg that kind of
uh
Separates or is it
You know what I'm saying like sometimes you crack an egg and you're like, oh, shit. That was a double yoke
likes it just like that because then that would mean that one sperm only wins also
Uh
No
DNA test. Yeah, it's not science.com. No, it's not inside edition
Women
Uh DNA test shows woman gave birth to twins who have two different has different fathers
A set of twins in vietnam has been given the raredest
Uh, the rare distinction of being bifraternal. That is they've got different dads
Although the twins developed side by side in their mother's womb DNA DNA tests recently showed
They came from two fertilized eggs by two different men. Your mom's all slut
This is an extremely rare example
Just having a good time. Yeah. No, I'm just kidding. I believe in women's right to just throw that pussy around however they want
Uh, this is an extremely rare example of when eggs are fertilized during separate acts of sexual intercourse
Within the same ovulation period in recent years
It has been reported at least twice in the us and the only reason that it's not reported
Is because people don't want to get in trophies. So that's what you got to understand
How an ovulation period is like how many days? No fucking clue and how do women figure out when they ovulate? What is that?
Oh, it's science. It's like i'm ovulating. I'm like, how the fuck do you know that? Do you feel that?
Yeah, man, is there stuff moving? Yeah, is your body just like ovulating?
You know, I can't even begin to understand women and how they just walk around the way that they do
Like my sister's pregnant right now and like and does normal everyday shit perfectly fine
And like I'm looking at her and I'm like, yo look I just keep saying how I'm like look at you
What is happening fuck I'm like, how is your body? How's your skin able to do that? How old are you?
Did you realize that uh, you when people get pregnant that like
Well for some reason like I knew people fuck but then like the pregnant. It's like, uh, now it's guaranteed that you guys fuck
I don't even know what you're asking me when I was like 14 or 15 and like people would get pregnant
I'd be like damn you guys fucked each other. That's where my head would go
I don't even know man. I don't I don't know what age I kind of figured that out but
I don't know
It's just weird dude to see that and to see and shen's like oh, he's like over here right now
He's putting a lot of pressure on my bladder and I'm like this thing's moving
There's a baby in there
And then they take pictures and it's like there's an actual baby with a face in there
Oh, yeah, it's just covered up by just the amazing body
I'm just like you know like that that can just stretch out and hold the baby in it
I'm just confused by the
Mechanics and then
It comes out of your vagina
What a place to come out man
Would you rather have a baby out of your vagina or out of your mouth?
My mouth
My vagina. I think my vagina too. Yeah, my vagina can withstand that my mouth can't I have a I have a very
Awful mouth also too. It's like
Yeah, yeah, I don't want a baby to come through here
Uh
Wait where are your mouth? Yeah
Yeah, no, that would be just a horrific scene. No, I don't want the baby to come in the way it came out
Basically, that's the the cum goes in and baby comes out
It's a vending machine. It's a vending machine. You're literally deposit. It's a deposit
I think they call it a deposit at a sperm bank
I mean, yeah, I mean you are depositing. So you literally
Take in this goo
Come on clean this up
This goo you got take the semen inside of you and it
Yeah, you know sauce or something goo is just he just talked about jizzing on a cookie three seconds ago
I tried to I had to say it but I had to I was saying it in a you know
I'm just I'm speaking the truth there and then that goo
turns into
a fucking human being
I won't I will never understand that
It's just gooey gop
And then becomes a baby boo boo
But
Also like babies
Right when they're born
They can breathe and shit. You know what I'm saying? But when they're in here
They're like in some sort of sack liquid a liquid sack and kind of swim it
And I know like their nose are plugged with you know, whatever the fuck but also like crazy
Like in a way babies have this ability to like hold their breath forever
Yeah, and it's like hey what's up once they're born that just disappears
But yeah, like right we're like and we're like amphibious at one point in our lives
Yeah, we're like little ducks not ducks ducks can't breathe under water
I mean, I think they could hold their breath, but they don't you know, they can't
Did you know that turtles?
They can't breathe under water. I didn't know that
What about giant tortoises they like underwater for like 40 years or something they can hold their breath for mad long
They can't breathe. Yeah, I don't believe that
There's just be like a turtle can hold its breath for four hours. I'm like, no this thing can breathe a little bit down there
I'm not buying it
Gotta be a gill somewhere on that thing. Yeah, because it's sleeping and you tell me anything that's gonna sleep while holding its breath
What kind of fucking crazy shit is that?
Isn't that just dead?
Yeah, isn't that dead when you're dead this thing dies four hours a day is what you're telling me
Underwater dead. All right, great
You know like humans evolve, right? Why have we not evolved to be able to breathe underwater yet?
I feel like we've been in the water enough
I feel like I've been in the water enough
You know, I feel like I've done enough water stuff that I should be able to breathe a little bit through my asshole
what
Because there are those times where I could suck farts into my butt. I can
Yeah, but you can't
Can you get
Do you feel like you could breathe during those times dude for some reason? Yes
You feel like I feel like if I if I just tried to suck harder it can open something in my lungs
I'm telling you. I feel like as if I could breathe through my anus
My anus have you ever felt like you could breathe through your ears or like have you that you've taken a breath through your ears kind of
What the fuck are you talking about? I don't know what it is. But like sinus wise your ears
throat and mouth are all connected
Okay, you know like with uh pipes and shit
There's times where you know like when you yawn
Your ears pop they open up
Yeah, it pushes air out
Ow, I just did it. It kind of hurt
You've never felt that you were breathing through your nose and some air was coming through your ear hole
literally never
Please somebody out there
Fucking voucher me. I feel like a voucher. You know why because you can't breathe through your
I'm not saying you physically can and it physically goes in your lungs. What I'm saying is that it feels like it
It's the sensation is what I'm talking about the sensation is what I'm talking about
Do you know I I thought I could see molecules when I was younger. Yeah, see that's dumber than what I said
That's not dumb because I still kind of feel that way
But I you know I framed it that way because I'm an adult and I don't want people to laugh at me
Last week you could see colors now you could see molecules. What else could you see as a kid?
Everyone could see colors you idiot
If I like press my eye right
Like this
Oh, you get those gucci's
No, no, no like if I press my eye
For some reason I can see these little things
That look like bacteria like under a like in a petri dish under a microscope. Oh, yeah
And like they float around. Yeah, and then when you try to look at it escapes
No, but I have to like really squint and they're really fucking small and I could see them I could watch them
Yeah, I just did I just did it right now. I could see molecules. I'm great vision
They're like they're like little like black dots that like slide down. No like slide down a mirror
They're not they're not black dots. It's like
Literally when you look through a microscope
What that looks like it's like they're like black outlined clear things
I can't see them
I know like it's a weird thing. I don't I it's probably common, but I just you know, I thought I had a superpower when I was younger
I'm googling. Can you breathe? Can you breathe a little bit through your ears?
Okay, you google that I'm gonna get to these ads so, uh, you know big daddy could get paid here
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And that's all we got for today
You ever you ever rub it. Yeah. Oh, yeah, uh, there's a
It's a sensation. All right, so your ears and throat are connected through structures called the
You station tubes
They allow for the equalization of pressure
That's why yawning on a plane will help fix your ears if they pop yawning puts your jaw in such a position that it opens those tubes
And thus equalizes the air pressure inside and outside of your ear providing relief from this comfort of popped ears
Sometimes if you're sick with a head cold, you can actually feel where they are in your throat
Near your tonsils on both sides with feelings of an opening can make it feel as if you are breathing through your ears
That
So what you just said was that your ears pop?
No, thanks. No, I'm talking about on that. That's on the out. I'm talking about on the in
Whatever dude, you're not breathing. Whatever man. I'm breathing. I'm so breathing
I'm so breathing. I'm so breathing. You don't even know it
Um, all right, so I feel like you know, we need to address this me and danny have been avoiding this topic all week
Because we wanted to save it for the show
But danny texted me
the other day
And uh, it was very early in the morning
Uh, I would think it was around 5 30 a.m. Or something like that and he all he did was text
He texted me and all it said was bro kissed you in my dream
And then we didn't talk all day. Yeah
So I haven't heard about the dream yet. I don't know what kind of kiss
Whatever, no one's gonna believe it. I don't know if it was like a sexual kiss or like we were we were performing a dare. No dare
It was it was it was more like listen. All right. Like we were at like a party or something
We kissed at a party in front of peep
No, it wasn't in front of people. Like can I tell a fucking story man? Get ahead. We were at a party
What kind of party was a house party or like a nice like it was a house party with wine. Is that your apartment now?
It I had a house party at my apartment. Yeah, like a red solo cup party. Yeah, like but the only thing about
That was your place was the living room. Everything else was had like downstairs and shit. Like it was weird
Okay, but it was like your couch and like your windows and shit. Like I remember it
So the reason I texted you at 5 30 in the morning is because you forget your dreams sometimes
And I didn't want to forget this one
All right to sound like you will who would want to
I'm just gonna repress I'm just gonna repress it doesn't mean I'm gonna forget it
I don't know. So all right, so we're at this. We're at the party. Yeah, so we're at this party and we're hanging out
All right, so we're at this party. We're hanging out
And
We get into this conversation why like, you know, yeah, like yo like like kissing like on the mouth like isn't like
Whatever isn't isn't gay. I'm just gonna say what I said. We said in the dream
We said kissing on the mouth isn't gay. Yeah, like we're having a conversation
Throughout the like there's a group of people being like, yo, like, you know, if I kissed you like it wouldn't be gay
I'm just kissing you on the mouth. So everyone just kind of feels this way
No, there were some people that were like, yo, it is some people that it's not
So it was a polarizing subject. There were some haters. Yeah, there were some haters
But like these were like our friends. I didn't recognize any of these people. There was no frankies
No dom, no ralph, no pete. There was nobody there
Okay, but apparently we've known these people our whole lives all made up people that I've walked by in the street and have joined
My subconscious so like I have no idea who these people are
And they were like and I'm like, why don't you like kiss joe?
And we were who said that uh, I don't know fucking stand in friend number two
Oh, wow, they just yelled from the back like, yo kiss up. No because me and you agree that it wasn't gay
Right, so we're just like dude, like if two guys kiss each other once not gay
Like we're like we're like we're just like they're kissing each other. That's it
so
The situation
dies down
I don't even want to finish the
Oh, I do
So the situation dies down people are like going home now
Right and you and I are the last two people at your house. Oh my god
And you come up to me and you whoa
You come up to me. Yeah, see you can't you kissed me
Whoa, I don't agree. You kissed me. I was there. I dreamed it. I lived it
The reason I texted you 5 30 in the morning because I didn't want to forget certain things
And I didn't want to forget the fact that you kissed me
So you were just like, yo like just so you know
I really believe that
I was like, no, I laid one on and then I was like, no, like I know you do
And you were just like, oh like you were like, yo, I could kiss you right now and it wouldn't be gay
And I was like, yeah, no, like I get it. Like yeah, like I totally feel you were like, you know, we should try it
And I said
So you didn't you didn't you didn't force yourself upon me
You were like, you were like, yo, we should just try it and like prove that it's not gay to like kiss each other
Dude, this was a classic
Like
You're gay and you want to kiss me
So bad so bad
It's not right. Let's just prove it. Just do it
Well, it was like anyway, how did I how do I uh convince you to let me lay one on you? No, you didn't really I was just like, yeah
Like I'll do it
Like I was down too. Like I wasn't like I had there was no fight in me. I didn't try to like push you off or anything
Right, right, but uh, we we I need to just you gotta describe this smoke. So you like, uh
So you grab my like grab my face
This is getting there. Yeah, and uh
For some reason you took prominence where your lower lip had to be like in between mine and your top lip
Was like on my mustache. Wow. I was almost kidding about the details, but now we know what's happening
Yeah, so like you doubled up a little bit and I could have swore. I don't know
So I had top position is what you're saying. Oh, yeah, you had top position. I pulled guard real fast
Okay, and I was like
Oh man
And then you like you kissed me and like pulled away from my face
But like still holding onto my face you passionately fucking kissed me
damn
Fire. Yeah, but then when I left like I was like excited about it. What's going on here?
We fell in love that night, so
You know, you know me my brain is very active. So now I'm going now I'm up at 5 30 in the morning now now I'm googling shit
You're googling this
Yeah, I googled things
Okay, would you come up with what I saw was is that a kiss could actually just mean you have admiration for somebody
Not gay
But like you admire them as a person
Okay, so my question was
Why would you kiss me if you admired me?
Wouldn't I kiss you if I admired you?
Maybe you're subconsciously too shy to kiss me
Okay, so you needed me to be you know that could be true
But the thing that I'm worried about is was that I didn't press the issue, but I didn't I didn't fight it either
You wanted that smooch. Yeah, I wanted it
But apparently I did too. Yeah, you really wanted it and I I mean I did a lot of convincing
And I wanted it. Listen like the drinks were flowing like in my dreams. I still drink
Nice. Yeah, so like my dream Danny's way cooler than actual Danny
I almost would have preferred if we kissed in front of everyone
No, the fact that we were alone. Was there a candle lit? That's what makes it that's what makes it gayer
I think you want you wanted to do it like yeah, if we kiss in front of each other
It's like, well, yeah, but you're like no like we're gonna do this right right now
Yeah, we're gonna find out what's good. Yeah
So like you were just like you were into it at that point you wanted that real bad
Like like you had to have me in that moment
So which is perfectly fine and I let you have me
But it was it was too us
I
Let you have me
But yes, it was just a certain feeling of uh, they say that it could be like you admire this person
um
It makes you feel like you know
That it's not gay
Right, but it's just prepared through there
Man, I've never kissed a dude in my dreams though
You've never kissed a dude. I've kissed dudes in my dreams
We know that yeah
I'll say anything wrong with it
Yo, that's fucking hilarious, but I'm a firm believer that in just yo dreams or dreams
No, yeah, like I don't believe in like there's like an existential reason to why you have dreams
Yeah, it sounds like was wait. There was a bird in your dream. That means you're trying to sort a new heights and you're like shut up
But uh, but also you ask someone yo, I can't
Someone's gonna debunk this dream in the comments and it's gonna be a wild ride. Yeah
People there's reasons like you know reoccurring dreams like yo if your teeth are falling out you're dying or some shit
I don't I don't believe that dreams have anything
to do with that
Can I ask uh, was was this
How long did this kiss last was it like a straight up like a no it wasn't a pack. It was passionate. It was passionate
It was a real it was it was a real kiss like it wasn't just like
Like a high school kiss like it was a it was it was a real kiss because each other
It was a real kiss
kiss was real
Oh man, that is quite the dream. Yeah, I mean
Listen, I'm not gonna make it sound like it was like this crazy extravagant thing is it was a party
We had an argument with some friends about like if it would make you a gay a gay man or not
And we were like no, it's not and then like we just you know, we debunked history there
If anything we we're progressive as shit in my dreams
Yeah, we were uh, also, this is a black mirror episode
Yeah, but those guys played basketball, uh, not basketball video games together
Yeah, they played video games and then they fucked each other in the video game. Yeah
Which I would I would I would 100 I would fuck you in a video game. It cares. I wouldn't be
Do I have to hear you or do because in the video games they sound like the characters
Yeah, but I'll just know what's happening. I would get you off
Strike striking vipies
Yeah, it's like if for people who don't know the episode it's like
A street fighter game, but it's like black mirrors like very futuristic
So you put this piece on the side of your head and you become this character
And one of the guys chooses this female character and then the other guy chooses a male character and they're like fighting or whatever, but then they like
experiment with like sex
so
the guy
Who's the woman feels the sex and the guy who's the man feels the sex that they are having in this
futuristic video game
And uh, then it just becomes like, you know, it kind of spills over in a real life
And they're like we're fucking in the game. Maybe we should just kiss and find out if we love each other
Now then they meet up in the rain
which is
Passionate, yeah
Rain makes everything like 10 times more important
Yeah, and they just like a fucking let's do it
And then apparently they have like one day a year where they could fuck each other on the video game or some shit
And their wives know and their wives know they're just gonna suck each other
Well, they don't suck each other they don't suck each other
But look one of them gets to feel one of them is like one of them gets to feel like
They have a fucking vagina. So I'm like kind of envious of that too
I
I cannot for the life of me wrap my mind around what it feels like to have a penis in your vagina and it feels good
Yeah
It's probably super dope because they have more nerve endings
Is that true?
Yeah, it is like way more
Like i'm on the bottom of the totem pole, you know like you got more nerve endings because you got a hood
And then uh, you know, they got they got vaginas. So they they got yeah
And then they got you know, vagina's got like a lot more nerve endings and like also like
You know, you've seen guys in porn like have like an orgasm
And sometimes it's like great and like whatever but when you see some of these women have orgasms. It's like
And they like, you know, they're sweating their legs are you know over their head and they can't see
And they start crying like that's a powerful thing happening there. Oh orgasms like that
Yeah, well like women have ones where they go blind. I think don't they don't women go blind? Yes at times they do
um
I for one has have never made anyone go blind
No, I've never blinded anyone never in a situation not even outside of the sexual realm
Yeah, see can an intense orgasm
uh
Cause you to go blind
Uh, it's it's
There's a chance at an orgasm that earth
Shakingly powerful could actually cause the loss of your eyesight. It's extremely unlikely, but it's possible
and it's because you have a uh
Blood vessels in your eyes and like when you orgasm it will pop them and then you go blind
Like I've seen like, you know, I've seen like the undertaker
You know what I mean? Like after he lands a tombstone like the eyes roll back in the back of the head and shit
Oh, this actually happened to a dude
It recently happened to a 29 year old man from Southampton who didn't notice that there was anything wrong until the morning after
And then went to the doctor the next morning
According to the son. He had an ex he had experienced a hemorrhage in his eye caused by a pressure buildup during sex
Well, that sounds like this sounds like this guy was having a stroke though
It sounds like he was having the hell of a time
A buildup during sex. He was like, oh, oh, and then he went blind
See there that's that is where coming's not fun for me anymore
I can't lose my eyes. No
That I want to be good, but not that good
But even like the feeling of like you're gonna like pass out for a second. I don't like that one either
Oh
Oh
Have you ever undertaken or you're like my my eyes. Yeah, I don't know
I feel like girls undertake her more than guys
Yeah, like girls girls will you know, they'll undertake
They'll yeah, it's an undertaking. Yeah
Yeah
For sure
That's all I got
I'm leaving right there
Yeah, but yeah, I don't think I don't even I don't even
Think that's a gay dream to be honest
Kissing a man in your dream is good. No, I do. We're doing it to prove a point to each other. Yeah, we were striking vibes
Yeah, we were striking vibes. It's just like we didn't have a sexual history of playing video games and sucking each other's cocks
Yeah, I mean that was a little different. That was you know, it's that's our story on it's our love story on steroid
Right. You never banged my game puss
God, man
Um, no, I have never done that, but you know, it's early, you know, you could be having a dream tonight that no one knows about
Would you tell me if I fucked you in a dream 100% I would think it was hilarious
I don't look at I really don't look at dreams like that like like I don't have exciting dreams, man
My dreams are so mundane. Yeah, but you don't you don't remember most of them
You've definitely sucked a cock in your travels, dude or been sucked
I really don't think so
I
Love how you're saying definitely
Because I just feel like that's an action. That's a 100% normal thing to dream about
Like take take everything away of like the jokes and all that I think it's 100% normal for people to have homoerotic dreams
Okay, does it make you gay?
No, obviously not. What are you doing later?
That's nothing you want to come over. It's not prove it
No, what are you doing later?
Yeah, no, I don't think it makes you gay. I just think that that's I mean that's a gay sitch
I mean if you had to throw that dream into a category like if you had a folder of them
You put it under the gate and there was a dream oscars. I'd be nominated for like best supporting gay actor
I mean, I well, yeah, I mean
Best supporting actor in a gay film. Yeah, you directed it. It was you know, it could be picture of the year. Yeah
Dude, if we if we did that for some reason and like
Movie world we would be heroes
What it's like when two straight dudes played two gay dudes
No, I mean that's been done
No, that's what I'm saying. They were like, oh man, like they really like they went for it now. Let me ask you this
Yeah, remember when brian cranson played somebody in a wheelchair and they were upset that they didn't give it to a wheelchair person
Yeah
In that movie with kevin heart or he's just like
I don't remember but so there was like a backlash they were like they could have hired like somebody like a like a
An actual disabled person a disabled actor
right
now
if
Two actors
Are straight but they portray being gay
Should they you think they should cast gay actors?
I think it would be in their best interest too because they'd probably do a better job
But he's ledger and jay jello hall straight dudes got soups gay
They're also a world-class actors. Yeah, that's what i'm saying
That's what I think with brian cranson. I was like, hey listen if you can find somebody in a wheelchair
That acts just as good as this dude
We'll give him the job
Yeah, you know what i'm saying it's like I I actually haven't seen broke back mountain in length
I have seen them passionately
cowboy kiss
Oh, dude, they can't they passionately cowboy fuck
No, I know. I mean yo in that movie. There's just so much like denim rubbing against each other
Oh, yeah, dude like those jackets like those heavy jack like those
I don't even know what it is. It's like a very like a weird leather and then like cheap wool and shit
Yeah, it's like, you know, there's a lot of friction with the clothing and a lot of man kissing. Yeah
um
Yeah, I was looking dudes though. Good for them. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, r.i.p. He's got like steve bushemi up there. That would be tough
Yeah
There's somebody out there in the world that thinks steve bushemi is like hot as shit
Probably I mean, he's a really funny dude. He's a good actor. He's a cool guy. I guess yeah
but you know
weird eyes
weird mouth
can't lose
Clear hearts was it full full hearts clear skies was it clear eyes full hearts can't lose. That's it clear skies
Pilots, what the fuck are we talking about?
I don't even know what the fuck i'm saying
Uh, yeah, I don't think i'm gay
No, I don't think anyone thinks you're gay, but I do think they think you love me
I mean, I do love you. It's just like
Do you love me like you I mean you let me get up or lip
Yeah, which I never do
I never I never let you get there
I don't really
Stack lips. I don't think you just go on top lip to lip. No, dude. You got to get
Underneath that thing
Bite that shit. I don't know. I don't really know
You don't bite you don't bite lip
No, I don't do that
I don't I just I just find it to be like cliche god you're it like bothers me. You know it's cliche
I don't do that either you do that
I do what
You go
We talked about kissing your wife on your fucking wedding day and you're like, oh you gotta go
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no wedding day is different
Thank god I kissed you in this dream because you probably would have
And I would have been like, yeah, I would have hated you
You don't even know how to kiss in dreams, bro. If I kissed you in real you can't even kiss if I kissed you in real life
You wouldn't even be able to fucking control yourself
I don't kiss like that. I didn't follow up kiss you. Did I no, but you fucking your eyes were closed and shit
And I y'all that's
Like pulled away and then that was it and then I went home. Did I slowly open them like I was like
Yeah, like like you did something like you were like you wanted to do it
So i'm gonna say you wanted it
I blushed there you have it folks. That was it. You wanted it. I blushed
I'd fucking do it again too. Fuck proud of it
Proud of every one of those units proud of every one of those units chocolate fucking daddy chocolate fucking daddy
All right, I guess we could wrap this up because there's nowhere to go from kissing your friends. Nope
Danny, where can I find you add Daniel a priority on instagram and twitter check out my only fans too. It's free
Okay, posted some
songs on there
Doing some live stream q and a's with some peeps on there too
It's only fans.com slash Daniel a priority and uh
Check out the stank podcast with me and mr. Frank alvarez
youtube.com slash the stank
podcast
And check out our patreon patreon.com slash the stank podcast back to the leaderboard job
Yeah, you guys can follow me on instagram at joe sanagato go follow the show at the base meyard
And uh, go check out our patreon patreon.com slash the base meyard. You get every episode
Um a week in advance and you also get the daily content of the morning meeting. Okay, so that is all
We will see you guys next time
You