The Basement Yard - #377 - The First Time I Drank Pee
Episode Date: December 19, 2022Joe and Frank discuss the fantastic activity of drinking.......yea know Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices...
Transcript
Discussion (0)
Welcome back to the basement yard Frank. How's it going, buddy? You might give me a light
I'm not playing this game with you. This was funny when we were in pre-k
He's lighting it for people who are just listening he's lighting we have audio listeners
Yeah, this is a visual joke. You're lighting a pretzel stick like it's a cigar. I
Don't smoke cigarettes, but the the relief that I assume it brings
Yeah, the the bad health stuff too that that would be tough definitely bring on that
It's gonna bring that but like people that smoke cigarettes are the best poster people
For you say you say cigarettes weird cigarette
You say you say cigarette. No, you say you say cigarette cigarette. Yeah, you're saying cigarette cigarette. Yeah, maybe you're saying writ
It's right cigarette cigarette cigarette tomato
Porcupines whatever what how you doing?
anyway
How you know yeah, um you started telling me a story when we were out there
I would like to start there to be honest with you. Oh about
Something you found in your car. Yeah a new low, baby. You hit a new low. I hit a new low
Which honestly let me preface this whole thing real quick before just so people know if you're not super familiar with the show
Frank pisses in his car
You piss in your car all of the time slow first of all slow down
Okay, you're making it seem like I'm fucking pissing all over the steering wheel and shit
No, I'm saying you're pissing that's only happened once you piss while operating of motor vehicles
Yes, because it's a skill that I have I have to travel. I don't live in New York anymore
I have to travel in order to get up here to record and in my travels
I have mapped out where all the bathrooms are because you can't just pull over anymore
The cops will be like upset because you're too close to a school and I haven't that happened
What was the last time don't even start with that?
And I've had to master how to
Pissing Gatorade bottles piss in Gatorade bottles pure leaf tea bottles
Oh when things are really struck like stressful just like regular bottles, which is tough because their mouth opening is not big
What's a regular bottle like a regular like mouth all like a coke bottle?
Why did you go to coke originally a seltzer? Okay, whatever. All right. Well, and
It's not easy. It actually got particularly hard when a couple days ago
We went out we went out to see Danny show and I knew I was gonna have a couple drinks at night
So I hydrated through the day but hydrating for me through the day means I am going to whiz a lot
I peed four times
During the course of my travel up to Queens to Park beautiful and then the next morning I
Hit my new low. I found my new low. What was it?
I'm in the car and then I keep snacks in my car because these trips they get lonely and hungry
Okay, you know so I snack I got some apple chips num num and yummies
I got some Belvita breakfast cookies. You know, I'm talking about nummy nummy nummies, you know
You're gonna stop saying that as a grown man. Okay, and I also have drinks in my car
Mm-hmm, and are those nummy nummy nummies or those are the old those are
Never do that again literally never do that again. You don't got kids. You don't understand dog. Okay, and I went one morning
It's emotional story for me. I pulled out a bottle and
It was frozen and I said, oh, okay
It was actually I got to say oh, it was not frozen
It was that cool science trick where it's like it's not frozen
Then you hit it and then it fucking freezes on its way down. Wait, what you've never done that
I have seen it
But like I thought that it needs it like there needed to be like some sort of like concoction in there
Oh, there was a concoction in it. Yeah, wait, hold on
So you grabbed this thing and you slammed it and it turned into a block of ice. Yes
Yeah, really? Yeah, it was pretty sweet. So I'm like, oh sweet and then I put it in my mouth and I fucking pulled away
frozen bottled piss
Frozen bottle pee, what are you gonna do sometimes you pee in your car?
Sometimes you forget to bring the bottles out at the end of the day you so you pissed in your car in a bottle
And then it froze and then you thought it was a tasty lemonade. No because I had hydrated
Oh, it was a clear it was just a whole thing of ice
It was so it just looked it was so it doesn't get ice it gets slushy like when you had slushy white piss. Yeah
And you almost drank it. Yeah, and it was really close and it was the closest I've ever come into putting my mouth to my own dick
Well, that's not your dick
Well through you try to suck your own dick when I was like 12. Yeah. Yeah. Well, how'd you do it though?
Classic way. Yeah, you lay on your back. Yeah, you throw your legs over. Absolutely
I remember so I saw a tweet one time and it was like the most impressive thing in human history
Is that everyone believed the rumor about Marilyn Manson before there was the internet?
Oh that he removed a rib so he could suck his own cock. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I mean once you put he had tits
I I guess I mean
He did have tits did he yeah, I'm pretty sure you got breast implants
Would you would you get breast implants if it meant like it would like turn you on to yourself more?
What does that even begin like you know you you're jerking off all the time
So like if you're like, you know in your own head and you're like damn this is sexy
And then you feel your own tits and you're like whoa, I'd rather just put one on the wall or something
Like if you know you like put like wait, I think
Actually, that's kind of weird that I said that because I'm pretty sure I read a report once that Jeffrey Epstein had something like that near his bathtub
Like in his New York townhouse
There was like a bat here
But you remember he had like the fucking picture of a Bill Clinton and Monica Lewinsky's dress or something
I've read I've read a lot about the things that he's had, you know, Jeff
So I've heard though that near his bathtub there was like like how you said heard like um
I might have happened no, I don't know, but it was like a
Thing where it was like his near his bathtub. There was like two tits
Just in the wall. No, it was like on a plate
What I don't know it was like near so like you get it's like having tits around I
Don't know I mean, I guess he'd need that because Ghislaine Maxwell was built like a fucking pretzel stick. Well
Now we're gonna body shame
It's going back. I know we can get yeah, you're gonna body shame. We could we can body shame Harvey Weinstein
Guys just falling apart still haven't gotten a look at that penis though. Oh, is that out there? I don't know you Google it
I'm not gonna do it. I'm googling Harvey Weinstein. You can you can body shame Hitler and
You can we know he had a whacked your body shame
Jeffrey Epstein and Ghislaine Maxwell. I don't think anyone's gonna be like don't do that. That's a bro. What are you doing defending them you fucking?
Villain, all right, I'm looking up this dick. Is it out there? I
Don't want to see it. I just want to see your face seeing it. There's a
There's a picture
It's out of his dick. It's a you know in the courtroom or like people drop it
Why the fuck does that exist by the way, and it's out. We're having a very serious like
Investigation and trial going on someone's over there painting pictures of it bro. Why I never understood that. Where does it go?
Also, how do you paint them like everyone's moving all the time?
So like how do you get them still in that moment? You know what I mean? I don't know
Doesn't make any sense. It makes sense for weddings like you have like a live wedding picture like my sister had at her wedding
He had a guy who was painting. Oh, that was cool
Yeah, it's nice
But to do it in a courtroom and then also the picture that this person painted was Harvey Weinstein with his fucking dick
Oh, no, oh look that's I mean that's not his dick. I can't see his dick from here
Thank God. No, he can't see his dick either dude apparently not for my bad eyesight
Do you know that we you think they have to go to school?
You know how like the the court stenographers have to go to school to like type, you know as fast as they do
Yes, do you think you have to go to school to be a court painter?
If 100% dude, is there any value to those paintings? I have no idea like at all
All I know is is that this headline says Harvey Weinstein's penis looked like it had been chopped off and sewn back on oh
It probably had been that's a whack what what's got to happen to your shit?
I mean mash I think someone once said that it looked like ground beef and then someone said I
Didn't really see a full sack. I literally just saw a penis oh
Because of an infection his testicles were actually taken from his scrotum and put into it. Yeah, okay
I mean we were wait hold on we've first of all we've talked a lot
Believe it or not about Harvey Weinstein's wiener because of an infection his testicles were taken from his scrotum and put into his inner thighs
His balls are in his thighs. That's kind of
Honestly, no dude because sometimes I chafe like with my I chafe too. Yeah, but my thighs
Oh my god, are they hanging low is he like oh, I don't know
He they're part of they just like put it in his thigh and they're just there like there's no difference
Yeah, there's I mean his balls are there. So like if your legs are touching your balls are hitting against each other
Okay, if I could rearrange the human body, I would have done things a little different
Where would you have put the balls inside of what the body? Which part?
The like ovaries. Yeah, exactly. Oh, I don't need them out there. They're just there
They're there. What else would you change? Hmm? How many fingers? I'd go I'd go a couple. I'd go another thumb on this side
Two thumbs two thumbs. Yeah, could you imagine the power you'd have with your hands the power? Yeah
What would you why what? No, just be cool to have really good grip strength. Yeah, I mean look at monkey
I'd make my feet
Like hands to this whole feet thing ain't gonna work for me. I don't like you need thumbs down. I want thumb
I want like my hands like you know how monkeys have hands for feet
Yeah, I want that because they can just like fucking hang upside down chilling my feet are useless besides the walking part
I feel like it's a big one. It's a pretty big one, but like I can't grab anything with them
I can't high five people with how many nipples
I'm fine with none
For me no nipples for men. What a man need nipples for mine. Just chafe. No, I think that I think that nipples serve a purpose
For men, what is it to it the way it looks if imagine not having nipples you'd be like what yeah, I'd be fine with that
But you like women nipples. Yeah, cuz they have they have like cuz behind the fact that I know that they're nipples
Yeah, but don't get into this like the baby thing
I know that that that thing is gonna give life to you know, of course, of course, of course choose
Of course, but there's there's meaning behind those nipples aesthetically you like a nipple. Yeah nipples not bad
I'm cool nips. I don't know that I like what the way that you're describing this right now to be honest
Why is that because you're like, oh, they're not bad. I I love nipples
Is that what you want Joey?
Is that what you want America? You're not really convincing me. All right. What do you want?
You want me to like passionately tell you the all the reasons I want you to be like, oh
You do it first, you know, I'm just did it. No, you know do it again. I'm just saying nipples are sick, dude
I agree nipples are great. All kinds of nipples too. I'm all I'm all for whatever nip. I'm all about nipple love
Yeah nips nips nips and a big nipple small nipples wide when nipples have those little nipples
That are like with the nipple
It's like an additional of little like a little army of it's like
And then there's no one big nipple like what's the secret service of the nipple. Yeah, like there's one walking by
They're just like we're here too. Yeah, it's like the little the little that I kind of like why I know what you're talking about
They're like around. I don't know that they're white. I don't know why I said that they're probably not yeah
I don't know but they're like little or nipples and then the one like nipples like this is this is me though
Yeah, yeah, like the one nipples like standing up like it's the Queen nipple the Queen nipple
Yeah, the Queen nipple and there's the secret service. It's the royal guard. Yeah. Yeah, and they're just like and the area always
It's like here, you know, hello. Yeah, and then the royal guard is like around just like everything
And then what's the areola? It's just like the secret garden like you can't get out of it. Well, it's the nipples vagina
The areola is the nipple. Oh wait
You know hole in the nipple or you mean like the whole nipple the whole hole in the nipple
Well, yeah nipples have there there are there's holes in them because there's fucking fluid that needs to come out
Okay, and no, I meant the areola the hole
That whole thing the whole areola. That's the Vatican
That's the Vatican. Yeah, so the nipples the Pope nipples the Pope and then the little nipples are the Cardinals got it
You know the Vatican is a country in a country. Yeah, that's the areola
Isn't it weird that a boob is too like a boob is like a boo like a boo. Yep
But then also a nipple is like is it a boob? It's another it's boob plus
It's yeah, it's boob without ads. Yeah
You pay for you get you to get this you get you too, but then you want those no ads
It's a boob like if you see a boob without a nipple you go
That's still a boob. It's still a boob, but if you see a nipple satisfying until you see nipple, right, of course
But if you see a nipple is that a boob if you just see nipple is that are you seeing a boob?
I think if you
That's a good question. I think a great question
I think if you just see nipple like if you were to somehow like isolate
Yeah, taking a look like a step like a it doesn't count like it's like it's like a it's like a real great painting
If you were to look at just one part of the painting you would say I know what this painting can be and it's beautiful
You want to see what surrounds I want to see the whole you know the whole show
Yeah, you catch my drift. I am I am I am I just thought about that right now. That's a really good point. That's really it's it's
Frogs and totes you you know, okay all nipples are boobs, but not all boobs are nipples. You know what I'm saying
No, no boobs are nipples a boob can't be a nipple
No, because when you see boobs you don't go whoa boob and nipple you say that's a boob a whole boob you refer to the collective boob
Yeah, but the boob but when you see just nipple it's not say where's the boob?
Yeah
You are that makes no sense when you think about it make any sense when you think about it
It doesn't it doesn't and we don't have that as men. We have it so hard. What do we got dick and balls?
Yeah, which are like completely separate and completely separate entities. There's no union
Like the the like the boob and the nipple are like best friends
You know, they're like lock step with each other. Yeah, but there is a double standard that must be cause some arguments because like you said
Them together as a boob and no nipple is still a boob
But just nipple is not a boob. Yeah
It's weird, right? It's the it's the beautiful on that for a little bit. Yeah
We hope that wasn't too laborious for you to take in it's enough it is
Crazy the way that like there there's relationships in nature. Yeah, you know what I mean like if you saw a rose petal
You say where's the full rose? Where's the rose? You don't want to just see the petal same with nipples and boobs
I can't believe that was where you went
Rose petals and roses. Yeah, I think it's a good analogy a good way to think of it
I don't know about yeah, I pitted my card. I got frozen
Just gonna say this is coming from a man who pissed in his car. Yeah, I almost drank it
You ever drank you ever like ever been curious as to what your peace tastes like I said peace
Peace tastes like what your pete?
No, I on a previous episode Danny once told me that he like flicked his stream and I was like
I've never done that. Have you ever pissed your mouth? No, no, no, never. I've never pissed your mouth. No, I don't think
No, no, it's like if I piss on myself, which I pissed on myself
And I could smell this I think I can guess what it tastes like
But I'm not gonna drink it. I'm not like it's not all not all smells equal tastes sometimes
What what?
You know, there are teas out there that smell one way taste another speaking of this
Yesterday, this is a real thing that happened yesterday. I went to dinner and
With Greg and he ordered a some bottle of wine the lady brings it over pours it out and
Before we pick up the glass. She goes. It's a little farty. What that's what she said
No, you can't drink that and guess what farty farty. Why?
What kind of wine was it? It was from like the Canary Islands
Wasn't that I don't know
I'm not familiar. I'm gonna say so. I know Long Island. I know Long Island Long Beach Island
Fire Island Fire Island, you know, I don't know Canary Islands. It was that it's you know, that's something with birds
I just don't like that but
Yeah, she's like, yeah, it's farty and I was like what I always had to take it back, please
Well, no, she's like it's the point of it. I don't know and she was talking about volcanic ash at one point
I was like, well sulfur sulfur is farty. Well, that's what it was farty. It's poopy. It is and I was like
Smelling it. I'm like, oh fart like but then we drink it and they're like it tastes good
No, well, I wouldn't be able to get past the fart. Yeah, I had to power through the farty
Would you like drink your own fart if it made good wine?
Are you what two adults?
Would you drink your fart? That was such like a dude podcast question
Would you drink your fart if it made wine? Well, cuz I ask because every guy even if they deny it
Loves their own stench. I don't love it, but I like to be disgusted by it. Yeah
Like you ever you like to fuck it. Oh pig. Yeah
You little disgusting dirt maggot
You've never been in a in a car by yourself and you fart and it came out hot
And you're like, this is gonna be awful in a second. I and then you get it and you're like
I was right and then you're like you more stinks now
So you get more like proud of your body for being able to just you know elicit such a disgusting
It's I don't know because I'm not really happy about it. I don't want it to smell like like bad
But for some reason I'm like
And I'm like, oh, I'm right, but it's like I'm smirking now
I am smirking so I am having a little my tails whack. So this is just your your you know
Inherent need to be right all the time. So you're just like, oh, that's gonna suck and it is and you're like, I'm so
I'm a genius
Right now. I don't know what it is. No, I love my own smell and I say this all the time
I apologize often to my family for the way that my body smells at the end of a day, but I'm so
Impressed by it. I'm just like whoa, like how can you yeah, it is gross, but then I'm like, okay
There's some you know, there's layers to it. I'm like blueberry a what dirt
You know, I can smell it all blueberry and dirt. Well, there's different layers of scent in there. You've
Come home smelling like dirt. Oh
Yeah
And blueberries. Oh, yeah, I mean not at the same time, but one time my my
My aunt told my dad that he smelled like a deli
That's just like a bunch of meat. That's actually that sounds pretty accurate
Yeah, it was probably coming through his pores and you could smell like any food. What would it be?
If I could smell like any food, yeah
Like not like something cute like strawberries cinnamon buns
Or vanilla just go back cinnamon buns. Yeah, yeah, it's a good one
I love cinnamon buns. I do when you go to like the mall and you smell cinnamon or like anti-annies everywhere
I was I honestly I'm not even gonna lie. I was gonna say butter
You want to smell like butter? Yeah
What does butter smell like butter?
That helps pot like a movie theater butter popcorn. Yeah, but buttered popcorn butter popcorn. It's not like popcorn
Oh, wait, so then buttered popcorn. You want to smell like buttered popcorn? Yeah. No, why not?
Ew, that's a good smell. So if there was a cologne of buttered popcorn, you'd spray it on your bod sign it up
Really? Yeah, I'm gonna find one you better
You think exist you don't think exist
Oh, here we go
It sounds like there's a tidal wave going to hit the building the building is falling down
We're okay. We'll figure it out. You really think a tidal wave can kill you
Do you want to do that you want to have that conversation do you do I think a tidal wave can kill me? Yeah
Mm-hmm. No, yes, if it crashed on you, but like if it crashed like a
Mile down the way
Don't you just swim right?
What are you asking? No a tidal wave. Yeah, right? Yeah, how big?
50 feet 50 feet
If a 50 foot wave hit me no, no, no, no, I
You're dead. You're you'll be fucking paced. Yeah, you would pace at that point, but like say
Where you live right now. Yeah, say a tidal wave hit a story of park
Okay, do you think you could live if you're on the street not if you're in your building?
penthouse
If it I mean I don't I don't know I'd like to say yes, I'd like to yeah
I would too. I think I could because I'm a good swimmer
That's great
You're gonna have to dodge all the cars and buildings that have been bro. It's water
How fast is the car coming at you in the water?
And they don't the water's moving very fast. Have you seen a tidal wave? I've seen a tidal wave, but like
Not in person
Me neither. So that's why we're still here, but I would say
Because you wouldn't make it I would say there was a story that came out the other day that a guy fell off a cruise ship and survived
For 20 hours just waiting water. He was a treading water for 20 hours, dude. I
Tell you what no
Five hours if I'm physically capable
Five hours in one minute
I swim as far down as I can and then die as I try to get back up. Yeah, I would say I would hope that a whale just fucking oh
You want away eat me bro
I would want something more instant a whale like there would be the panic the fear the pain and then the lights out
I would want something a little more like I'd want a shark to come up and come down and like as it hit the water
Snatch my head off. So it's like instant. Oh, yeah, that would be nice actually because the the fear and anxiety
I'd never be able to go back in the water ever again
If I was just yeah, yeah, yeah, and also fucking Michael Phelps over here. Yo 20 hours 20 hours
I don't know how long it can tread water for especially if you're like your life's on the line
I mean it is the oceans pretty salty, but you're fighting waves, bro. I don't care how salty it is. It's the ocean, bro
What's the longest you've ever tread water for a minute? I
Had a contest with Thomas once and see who could do it, but we got bored after 15 when I went to camp as a kid
We had to take a swimming test in order to get there were three levels because every day we did two
Swim like classes. It was instructional swim in the morning and then it was
fun swim in the afternoon
And you had to wear wristbands depending on what part of the pool you can go in so green you can only go and like
up to like four feet
Yellow was I think it was like five to six feet and then red which was the deep end was up to 12 feet
Were you red?
Not at first. Wow. Well, hold on
So I had to take a test in order to get yellow and get red and one of the tests for red was to tread water for a minute
So you had to sit there and and kids don't tread water like the rest of us like we're like, oh kids like
And their head is like barely above water. Yeah, how old are you?
Uh
11 10 maybe
I feel like treading water for a minute. It's like super easy. Oh well now. Yeah, but when I was fucking 10 and I panicked
No, did you fail you fail your little red? No, I got it. I got it. I got it. I was good. You got your red wings
Well, hold on those are different
What is red wings?
What
You've never heard of the term red wings
I'm serious. I don't know
My red wings. Yeah
Red wings is a colloquial. Okay. Talk like a person. How about that? Let's start there. All right, dude. Sorry brother
All right, we're red wings. It's a it's a it's like slang basically for having sex with
Uh, someone on their period. Oh
Why red way? What is it like a pilot because it like on your inner thigh it makes red, uh
It makes red markings that look like wings
apparently
Is that true? That's what the term is it go check urban dictionary
It'll tell you I ain't lying
Why are you doing that? I'm gonna keep smoking as she got me
red wings
What does it say
Oh, no red wings says when you eat out a girl and she's on her period. No, I heard that was called a rainbow kiss
Why would it be rainbow?
That's what it's called red wings. Although it is believed to be involving oral sex
It actually refers to the bloody smears on the front of the thighs and groin after having sex with a woman on her period
Yeah, yeah, yeah, then the dude
The fucking sentence I give you she was on the rag. Yeah, well, but I didn't care
I learned to fly with my red wings. Talk about a disgusting way to describe that. She's on the rag
Yeah, well, I mean that's that's how men are pieces of shit discussing assholes. Do you ever look up joe sanagato on urban dictionary?
No
It's good
It says we can't find it. What? Yeah
I must have taken it off santa gata. Oh santa gata is there. There you go
Oh, what the fuck is this?
Uh
Known as an infectious this is santa gata
Uh known as an infectious disease which causes stalking
Drooling amazing tuesdays and laughing your ass off sanagato has been isolated to a small area in new york known as astoria
Named as being the start of the infection the quarantine area currently holds approximately 192 000 patients in counting
But is quickly spreading to canada and asian signs and symptoms of sanagato are classified as followed
This is so weird who wrote this a nine-year-old. I wrote it. No, you didn't know. Oh my god, dude
That would be funny though. No, I remember I saw that one
And I was like, what the fuck is that if you see sanagato or any signs of sanagato
Keep watching and hopefully the level of attractiveness will go away once you have experienced sanagato
You cannot be cured just like herpes
What the fuck well, I will say they got two things right one
Your level of attractiveness is too severely gone down. First of all, this one was written last year
It's santa. It just says sanagato leaving downtown new york to an upper class suburban area and paying
$457 for a haircut that looks like a seven-year-old who wouldn't sit still in the barber chair
That's what I might have wrote
No, that one was by k will that was january of 2021. So this is this is pretty recent. The other one was in 2012
Yeah, that's 10 years ago the year that the world was supposed to end. Yeah, and almost didn't
Huh? Oh
Uh, you know the theories that it did. Yeah
And we're living in the matrix. No, I think they had two things right one
Uh, your uh attractiveness has gone down since 2012. No way
You think you're hotter now than in 2012? Yes. Really brawl. I would say I'm hotter now than I ever was
I would also say that. Well, hold on. What would you mean by that bitch? I'm saying that you look good
Thank you
Well, you're saying I didn't look good in 2012. I'm saying you look better now than you did then. Wow. Thank you
How do you get offended and then not offended at the same time?
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There you go. Good friends of the show. Yeah, and also, yes, I'm gonna tell you guys about patreon patreon.com slash the baseman yard
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I want to come up with like a jingle for it, you know, like one 800 empire today
Is that what that is one eight hundred five eight eight two three hundred empire
today
Yeah, yeah, what is that? What is that? I don't know
Honestly, don't know. Are they the carpet or flooring people?
No, that's stanley steamer stanley steamer gets carpets cleaner
Doesn't really though. Um have used it before
That legitimately scared the fuck out of me. Uh, this is not a joke the building is now falling apart
That legitimately sounded like the building was coming down
I think the people next door are doing something and they drop something
And a whole bunch of some things clearly. Yeah scared me. I would think if the building were to come down
You ever thought about that? No frank like I haven't thought about the building collapsing on top of me
You've never been in like had a dream where like a building fell or like something like that
Would you ever like what would you do? I know it would happen too quick for you to really do anything
I'll tell you what I had a dream once
where
We were fighting in a war
we meaning
Like six of our friends the collective we yeah
And uh, was I there?
I don't remember. What did I die earlier in the war? I don't know. All right sounds familiar
So I uh
But I was hiding everyone in a tree house. I was very brave in this dream
Clearly not as I try to get in there a tree house
I had you hit in the most childish place possible. They're never gonna look there
For all their soldiers. Yeah, they're not because they're good in because first of all I wouldn't be able to fit two of you
And then I went to go fight
I went to go fight
And everyone got mad at me. What a get up here. What a hero. Yeah
Stay there. What a what a dumb thing to do. I woke up and I was like I would never do that
Yeah, well multiple reasons one you're taking away manpower, which you need during a war
Oh, tell us more fucking. I I am I am
What uh, Ulysses S. Grant
No, but my father-in-law is quite fond of Ulysses S. Grant and a lot of stuff from the civil war
So he talks about war all the time one thing you should know about Robert E. Lee. What about him? Not a great guy
I don't think any of them were really like I think Ulysses S. Grant was a good guy
Well, just by today's standards probably not as who's buried in Grant's tomb
Who's what buried in Grant's tomb?
Is this a not him? It's him and his wife actually a lot of people always think like grant and it's like and his wife
Grant's tomb is here on Manhattan. You didn't know that what I don't know what you're saying
Ulysses S. Grant is buried on the west side of Manhattan in Grant's tomb. What's Grant's tomb?
The tomb named after Grant. I didn't know that was a thing
You said that like I'm supposed to know what that is
So you go to all these fancy restaurants and I don't know you Ulysses S. Grant and you have all these these great watches
So you could tell me about 400 dollar sushi you've had but you can't tell me who Ulysses S. Grant is
I know who is I size the one who said who did he fight for?
The people exactly
What people the union
Who are the north? Yeah. All right. All right. Actually
I'm not as dumb as I
Come on. I mean, I didn't know he was buried on the west side of Manhattan. Come on
Yeah, there's a you've never been on the west side highway. Where was the civil war all over it was a civil thing
There was a lot of actually battles in jersey
Stop talking about
There was a lot of battles in new jersey actually there's a lot of history there. I hate history
I don't know. I'm talking about it. I know. I really do want to be in a
Fake battle though like a civil war better. We've talked about going larping
I would love that. I feel like I'd be good at sword fighting for some reason. I don't know why it's just like a blind confidence
I I have a blind confidence too and also I've done enough sword fighting trees to be like
I know I'd be good sword fighting trees. Yeah with sticks the lake house. I'd always be like
You
Okay, I also just watched a couple episodes on wednesday and she fences in that and I'd be like she does she does she does
Really good at that shit. I like that show. Yeah. Yeah. Well, what were you saying the reason you like that show for
Yeah, what?
You said
Something about the the show
I like the show. Yeah, but there was some other reason. Do you remember what it was? No, I don't something to do with the
The school
Oh, you're gonna make like a segregation joke or something. No, why the fuck?
Because it's a school for like outcasts. No, I was gonna make a joke about their kids, but
Oh, all right. I'll whatever joke you like better, Joe
I never know every time you go weren't you just I go. No, I wasn't doing any of that because this is made up now
All right, um something else in the news joey that I don't know if you saw
Vladimir Putin apparently pooped his pants
What you gonna do? Uh, sometimes you gotta, you know
Poop no pooping your pants is way worse than peeing your pants
Yeah, I'll make yes, of course because it's it's a hurts more
Although it's the one that people can't really tell as much. I'll tell you what
It's only because of the mess. It's not really because of the smell that hurt
I I could imagine that would hurt your like your being your person
No, I know but it's like it's really hard to clean up and it's like it's all over
The piss is like it dries and it's like transparent. You can't really see it
Not really you can hope that you have like a real like put like well together
put together
Sturdy poop no one no one ever poops their pants and it's like solid
Is it oh well probably it become it's like the reason why you're shitting your pants is because it's like diarrhea cha cha cha
Oh my god, you and your fucking idiot mom
She goes a diarrhea cha cha cha, but yeah, if I'm anytime I've ever shit my pants is because I had cha cha cha
I've never pooped my pants as far as I can remember. I assume though. Really?
I can't do you don't throw up. You don't put your pants. What do you do?
What do you do out there? I don't go to the bathroom joe. You also piss in your yard. That's not normal
Fucking chill. I'm just saying you pee in your own. I do hold on. Hold on. Stop what you're doing bathroom there
Yard here piss right there
Sometimes you don't understand joey. I will say this
I know I do understand because I've been walking him and he's peeing outside and I have to pee and I'm like
What if I just piss no no, that's not what I'm saying. Well, I'm saying I'm saying it's because
It'll be a night where I'm like sitting outside
You know, I really haven't had a cigar in a very long time, but like I'll have a cup of tea
Cigar a glass of whiskey whatever whatever and then what are you George Washington?
What is this? What is this nightly routine? That's what I like nothing nights like I sit down and I have a tea
And I write a letter to Abigail things that are outside the box joey. What do you like outside the box?
You had fucking a cigar and scotch welcome to every fucking white purse ever
I'm sorry that and then I do it and this is what kind of life are you living because I like to do
Oh my god, I was sitting outside. What would you rather me do on a brisk night on my couch like a miserable fucking
Prude and watch Seinfeld. Fuck you
Go outside. Look at the stars breathe some fresh air every now and then you fucking geek
First of all, I get outside, but you're over here with your cup of tea and a scotch
Scotch and tea. No, no, no at the same time joey. Don't be different nights. Don't be different nights
Oh
I thought you had a cup of tea with a cigar and then having scotch
Although you're out there writing fucking handwritten letters to your fucking lonely wife. They you're like, you know
Although a lot of people do put whiskey in their tea and they call it a hot toddy
That is true. Uh, I've had one of those
I I think I have but not for like a like cool reason because I was sad
You had a hot you were upset drinking and you're you drink a hot toddy. I think when I was in like like post grad school
Right before I met Becca. Yeah, and like life was tough. You went. Did you make it or you want? I made it
I made it. I made it. Okay, because if you think I would go to a bar and be like make me a hot toddy
Bro, I have questions. Yes. I would if that were the case
I would fucking
kill myself
tomorrow
That's crazy. I don't know about that one. No, I like to sit outside
And enjoy
a piss
No, but my everyone in my house will be sleeping
So it's like go inside and risk waking them up because I gotta I gotta I got a heavy stream
You got a fat stream. It's got a fat stream. It's good. It's gonna make noise
Do you feel like when you pee and other dudes are around you have to make sure your piss is so loud because you want them to think that
You got a hog. Yeah, I don't know why we do that. Yeah
That's what guys do if you notice that or if you if a guy's over you're a partner for the first time and he goes to pee
He he's gonna really put some oomph into his piss. Yeah, so you think you're out there like
Damn, this is pissing really hard
I used to be I used to be you know, like pee the side of the bowl make it sound
But then it makes it sound like I have like a fucking baby dick. Yeah, or I got a pussy
You know, like I'm peeing over there. I I just I can't yeah, I'm peeing like a little like I got a heavy float
I got a heavy stream. Nice. So now sometimes if I don't want to go inside and wake them up
I just pee in my backyard. I have fences. No one can see and I haven't done it in quite a while
You're not gonna you're not gonna first of all
You have fences
But they're not
Like blackout fences
What the fuck are you talking about? I can see your neighbor's window from your yard easily
Yeah, if I'm standing on the deck, but when I go stand on the fence, it's six feet tall
There's no one's gonna see me. Yeah, your neighbors have seen your dick. I hope not. It's so funny one night
I was out there peeing and and I I texted
When I was out there peeing I texted Becca and she's like babe
The neighbors just texted me and said that they see you peeing and they said they're gonna call the cops if you do it again
And I fucking I was like, no, I like went inside. I was just lying. Yeah, she was fucking
But like I was so scared because they have kids
Oh
No, you can't get in trouble for that. I said, I don't know. I don't know that's why
It didn't happen
Right, but if it did scary it was freaky. Yeah, you know
Yeah, so I don't know if I've ever heard your stream
I could do it right now
You're not gonna piss into a bottle in here. That's not fucking I can't I fill a bottle up quick
I can't that's why I don't piss in bottles because I'm afraid that I'm gonna have too much liquid
I had what what we call uh in my car the uh
The uh the car time shower
What where I peed in a bottle, but the angle of the bottle was such that it filled up
So when I went to move the bottle pee splashed on me
so I just
Hand sanitizer in my hand and just kind of
You sanitized your genes. Yeah
Oh got the job done didn't smell like pee just smelled like alcohol
You live a crazy life over there. Thank you pissing in yards pissing in cars
Do you ever use a bathroom? Yes, I use it all the time because it doesn't sound like it. I use it all the time
Don't you dare dare do what?
It comes to the building it's coming down again coming down on us
I just want you to know if we were to die in here because the building fell on us
Be a great episode. It would be a good episode put this out
Put it out
What was that laugh?
Yeah, I'm laughing like you out there your cigar and your squad you fuck you all the way all the way
All the way. Fuck you. I'm picturing you sitting out there
We're just scotching like a cigar like a skeleton staring at the fucking I wear a robe
You wear a robe. Yeah, you think you're tony soprano. No, I've talked like him quite a bit, but no, I don't think
There's something happening bro legit. There's something happening down my dog is scared now
Is there a fucking dinosaur in there?
Imagine these drill through the wall
I will do anything for that to happen if someone just came through the fucking wall right now just turn the camera and be like
You're on
If they came right here and they just like poke through the wall
Yeah, if someone came like right there came on you right there. Is that what you're saying?
We have ads to get to by the way. We have more ads. You fucking fuck you. I'm just saying Putin pooped himself
I forgot about that's how we started. We'll get back to that
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All right folks
So keep your stuff safe back to putin. So apparently he fell down the stairs and pooped his pants because of the fall
That's not a good look
No, no, no, no, no because that's when people start to worry like oh once you crap yourself
Falling on the stairs after the age of like seven is like so fucking stupid
Dude, well, I fell down the stairs last year
Like how bad though like like pretty hard. Whoa. Whoa. No, I've done like
I
Well, it was icy and I went down dude. I kind of like falling though
Like like black ice. I love that you like black ice. Yeah
Normally you say you don't like black ice
What?
Yeah, you went off one day and you were like, oh my god. Oh all this black ice
What are you talking about? Oh, you're saying black guys
I just realized what you have. I feel like an idiot now. No, you
That's what you said. You said it. Yeah, you guys clip it, you know, you said it. No, his words not mine
You know, I feel like the fuck is this kid saying like what is this joke?
Um, no, but I I actually you don't like slipping if you don't get hurt
I have I have a thing about me. You know what I like
Go ahead your turn when you go
But you stay up for a second you just go
I I um
I have something really bad about me that like I don't look upon people that slip and or trip with like
You know, I'm like, I'm not like, oh like I'm not sympathetic for them
I'm more like angry at them like fucking work your feet. You idiot. Really get upset. Yeah
I just started laughing like when I was younger my mom the idiot. She is she slipped on black ice and like bashed her mouth
And I was like, what a fucking dummy like have feet. Jesus christ. That's your mom dude. She's okay. Thank god
I was really worried when it happened about two years later though. I looked back and I was like, I'm embarrassing
How embarrassing to fall slip. Yeah, you know, you ever think about how embarrassing embarrassing it is to like get hit by a car
I thought about that the other day. No one gets hit by cars anymore
I mean people get hit by cars every single day every kid of our generation. Their parent got hit by a car
My parents weren't hit by cars. My both my parents were hit by cars. Your mom got hit by a car. Yeah
Bro, people used to get hit by cars all the time now. It doesn't happen anymore because cars are like fucking stronger
What does that mean? I think that kids were outside more
Playing in the street that actually might be it run in a muck that might be it and getting hit by cars
Yeah, no, my mom got hit by a car and like I think she said like it hurt and she broke her arm or something
Well, she was hit by a car frank. It definitely hurt
But like hit by a car and being like, you know side-swiped or two different things, you know, sure
You've never been hit by a car. I got hit by a mirror in my back. Oh, yeah, I think you told me this I was on rollerblades
Yeah, yeah, yeah 50 bucks
I don't think as far as I can remember I was ever hit by a car
We're falling down the stairs
Falling down the stairs is a lot of fun. This is the thing that's tough about it for Putin is he's supposed to be this world-renowned leader
But we all fall down and shit ourselves. No, no, no, no
Bro, Putin, you've never heard of kim jong-il or kim jong-un falling down the stairs and pooping their pants because they keep that shit locked tight
They don't let that shit out
Are you talking about their shit or you're talking about their there's the footage the story. Yeah. Yeah. No, no, no
I think that they're not you're not allowed to like own a camera. I'm making stuff up now
I don't know. No, but like that's what I'm saying like bro if I was Putin. I'd be like, yo if this gets out to any
What was that? What the hell was that?
I'd be like this uh, there we go. I got it. No, I'd be like listen up
I'd be on the floor. I'd be like
Be like help me up. Help me up. I did poop
Listen, if any of these gets out all of you motherfuckers and your family did
Yeah, they told me that to you
Honestly, yeah, but it did get out. So someone leaked this poop someone's gonna be dead
He leaked and then someone squealed he slipped a slip a leak
A slip. Hold on. Follow me. I go ahead a slip
a shit a leak
I
Think this dog just farted or something. Yeah, it was. What was that?
Are you gonna continue with this? No, no, I slip a leak. You were so excited, but you had nothing. No, nothing
There was nothing there's nowhere you to go. Yeah
Um, also before we go, I wanted to talk about that story that you told me before we got on here
Uh about some woman suing a tga fridays or something. Yeah
I'm very passionate about my mozzarella sticks and there's a story that has come out that a woman is suing
Tgi fridays. Where you stand on fridays? Yep. Yep. Never been. Yep, or no, you've never been to a fridays
I've never been to a fridays. I'd never been to uh, a lot of those chains apple bees
Apple bees. I've been chilies. No, I've been to chilies once or twice
It's like it's like apple bees and tgi friday food
But like with us with like a spanish twist
Chilies is spanish that yeah, it has like a southern like like texas like, you know, how they do like avocado and like tacos and stupid shit
Okay, and uh, I went to red lobster like once for your birthday. I love red lobster. I like their biscuits. Oh my goodness
Yeah, uh, but she's suing tgi fridays because apparently the cheese that's inside their mozzarella sticks
Is not mozzarella cheese. It's cheddar cheese
White cheddar cheese. I guess so. Yeah
Like are they trying to fool the public or I guess I guess they are I guess they're calling it
That's like me putting a hat on you and calling it like a good person
No, you don't like that one. No, all right. That's like if I were to sell a bottle of soda and just call it water
Yeah
Okay, how does she
I hope she wins though. I'm all about the su job. I'm all I'm I'm super passionate about my uh
You know, you know how I feel about mozzarella sticks. Do you think that they're the best appetizer?
What's the best appetizer on a menu?
mozzarella sticks or nachos
What kind of nachos though like loaded, babe. Yeah, well like like a meat on it
Yeah, yeah, I mean you can put meat on it if you want or not. Oh, no, no, no
But it's not like in the top if it doesn't meet cheese
beans
jalapeno sour cream
jalapeno, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
And then maybe maybe some beef or chicken. No, no, I need some chicken on there. Really? Yeah, yeah
And then I I'm a big fan of loaded potato skins
Okay, you know did we talk about our favorite fries? I think I had this argument the other day
Yeah, I think we have where we we agreed waffle fries. That's a whole potato get out of here. It's disgusting. Yeah wedges are gross
Wedges are a little too much. I'm not a big fry guys. It is. Do you like baked potatoes?
I love baked potatoes. I hate baked potatoes. I think that's the worst potato
Well, you're also sitting here and eating sweet potatoes like it's going out of fucking style. You fucking loser
You don't have to get that upset. It's a baked fucking potato. It's too sweet and the consistency. It never comes out crunchy
It's always fucking so we're not talking about sweet potatoes. I don't know
I'm talk what limp
Regular potatoes. Yeah, you would rather eat that
Like a baked potato. I'd rather have mashed potatoes. Oh, I love mashed potatoes
But like a fat baked potato with butter sour cream
Chives and salt
Fuck yeah, dude. No, I hate that. I have to like
Yeah, you gotta like mix fix it. No, but I gotta like fish it out
Yeah, okay
It's annoying work for their food joey pick up a fucking
Some people have to work for their food. Oh, yeah, you're the the strongest guy in the world
You're eating a baked potato and I'd rather have mashed potatoes joey wants the fucking food put in his mouth
You know what? I you know what? You know, I don't like them too
Because if you open a baked potato and go like this
Like this with it. Mm-hmm
The consistency it's weird. It's gross and this is a bit of a reach and I don't know that a lot of people are gonna understand
The reference I guess I'm right here. Don't worry. I know you're gonna but you know what it reminds me of when you go like that
So if you take a baked potato and just go like this you like reverse it
Do you know remember the part in uh star wars where he opens up that thing with his lightsaber?
Uh, yeah, yeah, it's like tight meat the tauntaun. Yeah, the top whatever
It's called the tauntaun. He like slept in it. Just it's a tauntaun joey. We get it buzz light your relax
two different franchises
But like when he opens that I'm like, oh, it looks like a bunch of baked potatoes. Yeah, yeah, yeah
No, I mean, I don't know what kind of baked potatoes you're making if you if you cut that open and it was like worms
It looked like no, I look like it looked like baked potato. No
It's it. I don't know what baked potatoes you're having joe bro. If this ends up turning into a clip
Someone find that fucking scene and put it in I'm telling you right now
He opens it and it looks like it's like it's guts. Yeah, but probably what kind of fucking potatoes are you eating?
Bro, it didn't look like they look like intestines. No, it didn't it wasn't red. It was white
I know it was white. It um, maybe the color
No, no, it looked like a like if you take a baked potato and you'll reverse it
It looked like inside of this ton ton. What was it called ton ton ton ton? No
No, and no one slept in it as Luke was injured after the battle
You know, uh, they were on hoth and he was attacked by that big monster the big white monster
Harvey Weinstein and he was put inside by Han Solo Han Solo found him and for warmth he put him in there
Star Wars
I
Said he slept in it. No, but he didn't sleep in it technically he was put in there to not die
He slept he wasn't even awake. He had been slept by the monster. Yeah, he was he was slapped
He was slept slapped. No slept by the month. You don't know when people say that like yo, he slept them. Yeah. Yeah
Yes
Don't have that response
I just said it and you were like slapped
Yeah, this episode's a bit off the rails. Yeah, um
One question about Star Wars since I know you're such a buff
um
Princess Leia
She was kissing her brother. Yeah
Oh, well don't say kissing it was one kiss in the first movie. Yeah, but it was a hard and it was a big white one
It was more to get Han Solo jealous
You wouldn't kiss your sister to get a friend jealous
No, dude, you kidding me Joe. No, come on
I guess if you're in space, there's different rules space. No one care and they also didn't know they were siblings
That's true. So you're gonna tell me
If you know
Listen to me. I've listened and I've I've given you your time
if you
No, we're out and you met J. Lo
And you and J. Lo are hitting it off and it's like wow, we would hit it off. You would
J. Lo would love me. I would think so
Especially the hair
That's enough. No, you and Affleck have similar hair
It's not a joke
I mean, I guess it is a joke because look at it, but
But like you guys hit it off. Yeah things are going great
Laughing she's still jenny from the block. So he's got that hometown spirit, but she's also Jennifer Lopez, right?
And you guys were to kiss yeah, and then like a week later you find out that you guys are brother and sister
Jennifer Lopez. Yeah, you'd be like gross but like okay
Yeah, I mean at the damage would be done at that point because I've I've already said for years that I love Jennifer Lopez
Yeah, she's yeah, you thought about her too much and too many, you know, yeah
I would be pretty devastated to find out that we're actually fucking related. Yeah, that'd be tough. Yeah
Is everyone related?
I think I think it's like yeah, I think we all have common ancestors like is that a thing though
I think so like well, it's like
It's enough for far enough from each other that like you're like my 100th cousin or something. You know, probably yeah
Yeah, I'm sure we could find someone in there
You know, you know when they say that like guys
Try to marry girls who are like their mom or something and girls try to marry guys like their dad. Yeah
That's a little weird if you ask me. Yeah, what is that?
I don't know if I'm like that. Listen, my mom's a good person
Gave me a good life
Don't want to marry someone like her
Didn't how about that?
Didn't I didn't marry someone like her. Yeah, marry someone like your mom. Um, I don't even know
Like what that means to be honest good cook
Yeah, irish
White white, um
Yeah, I don't know. I don't know that's
That's weird to think about and then that and then also the the other thing
Where it's like when kids are born they want to like fuck their
Well, that's the edipal complex and the electric complex electric
Electra. Electra. Yeah, it's based off of a greek tragedy known as edipus the king and the story was
Why do you know everything because I'm fucking I'm well
I'm fucking
Giving you layups the star wars around they were on half fucking walrus, baby
Yeah, it's the story of edipus the king where he's born cast out
He comes back not knowing the queen is his mom fucks her mom. Whoa kills his dad
And then finds out like uh-oh
Wait, why'd it kill his dad? No, you can't fuck my mom
I think it was I think it was like he wanted to like he took the throne from him or something like that
Oh, so like wait his mom had to know
No, I think because she cast him out, bro, this is grease you send someone across the river
They're gone forever. You don't fucking know these idiots back in like two bc
Oh, he came back and he slammed his mom and he's like, oh, I'm edipus and she's like, oh, that's my son
Something like that. I don't know the exact. I don't remember the exact story. I have it at home. I can read it
Bro, so much incest fucking. What's it called house of dragons? Yeah, people are fucking suck at each other all the time
Yeah, it's like ew. Don't like that. Don't like that. It's a little weird. It's like you're my niece
Yeah, we should get married but apparently there is a a stage of psychosexual development in children that they are physically attracted
To the parent of the opposite sex. It's not like they want to fuck them
But like they're like it's kind of like the you know, like baby girls only want daddy
And baby boys only want mommy type of thing, you know what I mean, okay
It's I mean people say they're not so sure if it's actually accurate
Does ruby like you more than becca? No, no way. Yeah, I don't I don't know why I think maybe at one point though
I mean, I'm sure like
She likes us in different ways, you know what I mean? No, she doesn't no, I don't think so
I think that she likes becca me too
And I think it's because becca's home with her all the time as you know, whatever you gotta tell yourself. Sure
What what?
What are you thinking?
We're best friends ruby and I she plays video games with me. I thought I was your best friend
You are also my best friend. You can't have two. I have three
Three you ruby miles. I'm sorry. Oh, I'm becca
four
You have you have multiple two
I don't even have best friends, you know why I'm 30
This is we're not nine anymore frank the dreams
Of
It comes out
It's all right. I've I've been thinking about you fearing about that for a while now in the shower. So
About what you're not fearing about. Yeah, you're not considering me your best friend. Oh, oh, oh, no, of course. Yeah
Yeah, pre-k bro. Come on say it with confidence without joking pre-k
Say it from with confidence without joking. No, we go way back dude. We do you karina alexa jackie
Chelsea all the women that would chase you
Chase me. Well, maria somewhere a bit quicker on their feet than others. Nicole
You're also naming people you have not spoken to in 15 years. I also can't name a single man
Joe Joe
Uh, we only knew girls
well
you
There was some little kid named joshua who looked like a little idiot shame. Oh shame. Yeah. Oh, yeah, shame
There was a bunch of people in there. Whatever bro. What are you gonna do? Sorry best friends forever, right? Yeah forever, dude
Um, but uh, where can they find you frank?
Crying about me not being your best friend. That's really just kind of a lisp there, didn't you? Yeah, I did
F-albors 85 on twitter the frank albora is on instagram youtube
dwitch, I guess I hopefully I'll be back on twitch
uh cameo
In tiktok, uh, so go check it out and like I said the patreon patreon.com slash the base vignard
Go check us out on all social media as well. I'm gonna tell joey. You can find joey at joe sanagato
Don't don't come back to him. Don't come back to him. Just it's me go to show it base vignard at tiktok
Wait, what at the base vignard on tiktok and instagram base vignard at tiktok at tiktok and that is all I'll see you guys next time