The Basement Yard - A Massage Gone Wrong

Episode Date: January 3, 2017

On this episode, I have @KeithSantagato & @AntVino on to talk about weird massage experiences, our worst fears, & more! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Welcome back to the basement yard. It is January 2nd Monday as always this podcast is Sponsored by the McGee closet go to my McGee closet calm for some merch and if you put in the promo code basement I swear to God it actually works this time No, I know side note. No, it does work side note. Oh, yeah, you get 10% off I think but the stuff that's up there right now is only gonna be up till Friday and that's all getting taken down So get it all again, but Someone I forgot

Where it was, but they were on some random Site it might have been like Footlocker or just like some random site that I have no Connection with at all. I never like you I just fucked around put basement in at the promo code and it fucking worked They got like a like a discount somewhere. Yeah, someone treated me that it was it was fucking hilarious But today I am joined by two returning guests Keith Sanagato, hello And Anthony DeVino my half a bottle of wine in Joe. He's a full bottle of wine in half a bottle and he's got his Fucking hockey jersey on Joe Pavelski, baby. What is that made out of can I touch it?

Do it you could do what you want because the logo is made out of like wow. What the fuck is carbon fiber, Keith That's what it feels like it feels like the hood of a car. It's a lot of carbon. I don't know what the fuck that was Happy New Year everyone. Yep by the way Hope everyone had a safe New Year's and it was less drunk than I was Yeah, I was bad. It was a good one DeVino got so drunk that he just kept texting the group chat and Sharing his location that I didn't even know you could do by the way Like I don't know how you were doing that Didn't did it change or like he just kept sending the same location. It was the same one

I got there was two in the group chat then he fucking side text me Personally, no two of them. No, I looked at everybody's like message and it's side text them too. It's crazy I'm trying to be safe Joe, you know a horror movie could start at any moment when you're in the woods This is true, but where you were in the woods. We were in Westchester. Oh That's close in the middle of fucking woods celebrating New Year's West chest, but I didn't even know you could do that Yeah, I had to like accept it. They he literally sent you like a pin drop. I didn't know you could do that Did you accept I think I did you don't give a fuck about me Joe. No, I wasn't really It's like the Blair Witch project

Yeah, it was there in the camp. There was no street lights. Maybe the last time I'm talking Some places you go is Westchester like that. I feel like any place. That's not New York City is the woods Like, yeah, Connecticut's the woods Pennsylvania's the woods some parts of New Jersey the woods are the any part that isn't Hoboken is the woods to me Hoboken's Jersey Thank you. I just said that Half a bottle of wine in every one up like I think you're talking about like Pennsylvania like no, I mean just anywhere I'm just I'm but I'm ignorant. I'm stupid. So that's why I think that I don't know I guess New Year's was great though

Me and Keith went to My brother Thomas's apartment around seven o'clock and I immediately started drinking Jack and Cokes and I was taking shots of Jameson by myself. Did you just kill the bottle? Yeah, we did. I'm proud me and me and uh I thought it was me and Danny drank the whole bottle. First of all, I did two shots with you guys I know and Then me and him kept going every ten minutes until it was done And then I was when after I'll say 30 minutes after that. I was walking around I mean, I think I was walking around. Okay, and

Everything was double. I was saying two of everybody. I was like, oh shit. Yeah, that's good. Jim will do that to you, huh? Yeah, Jamie never did me wrong if you have enough of them, but he kept coming up to me every five minutes You won't do shot. I'm like, but you fucking relax who Keith. Yeah, whenever he drinks. He becomes like a fraternity, bro Going for like fucking rush week. He's like, how many you want? You just six beer. I'm on 14 Like, okay, you're the man. Jesus. Jamo is hard man. I don't think I could do that many shots. I can't do no I don't I won't not like James. I was drinking Jack neat That's Jamo's not Jamo. Um Johnny Walker black double black neat. I was fine smooth was going on smooth I mean, I don't know how people just drink stuff neat and just yeah

Like I can't even on the rocks. It's like I talked about how I did I did a shot of Nab Creek once Which is not something you're supposed to take a shot of I see you I can up you on that one my voice changed for four minutes It was disgusting. I did a shot of Brandy. I kept doing shots of Brandy. I who drinks Brandy Yeah, that's cognac. Just the the people who died on the titanic I was like and then I was trying to be like the rich people on Titanic. Yeah, that's it. Wait Brandy's a cognac, right? I don't know. It's like drinking Hennessy Brandy's a singer. It's more It's I was gonna say what I hear Brandy. I think of the singer He used to collect bottles of Brandy. What was like shaped like a fish? Yeah, it was like a horse. It was Armenian Brandy

Armenian Brandy I mean, I've never I've never had it. I literally just drank Jack and Coke the entire night No, I was drinking. I was mostly drinking beer but haves good. I can't do that. I love but haves America Oh, yeah, they're the best Dude, I'd never drink soda. So when I have Jack and coax my stomach is all fucked up for the next four days It's cuz I know I know that it's not from the Jack. You know it really other poison You know, it really fucks me up like those cider beers

If I drink cider beers like maybe if I'm like foreign, I have to go to the bathroom make myself throw up You guys remember the Bonnie when we went to the Bonnie I disappeared for I was in the bathroom making myself throw up You pull the trigger. Yeah, I had to acid was killing my stomach. I can't do that. It hurts I don't have acid the acid hurts a lot. Is it like apple juice like that first of all it tastes gross It literally tastes like apple juice and champagne. No, I was like watery apple juice. It tasted pretty good I liked it and don't get me wrong. I'll keep drinking it after I throw up. It's like you empty out the tank to refill it Four more later, you're in the bathroom usually you pee out. No, no, no my stomach is burning

Throw it up. It was like stabbing myself in the stomach. I needed to throw up. Have you pulled the trigger before? No, I haven't me neither. I haven't it hasn't got that bad I always like if I'm really drunk and I know like I feel like I'm gonna throw up I always just like fight it so much. And I like start getting upset No, yeah, I swear, you know, literally it's that pathetic. Oh my god I have no problem throwing up like no problem. I've got so many I have a list of problems. I'm throwing I literally have no problem throwing up. It's just do it right now No, you have to be drunk and sick and then it'll come out. I can't I can't eat a meal and go

I mean the last time I was was when I was drunk, but Um, usually when you're gonna throw up like remember I I can't spitting. Oh my god gets like filled with water It's just starts spit. No, I'm never gets filled with water. It's like I'm dipping and I don't have a bottle I just keep spitting on the floor. I don't what are you? What are you an alien? I get like a weird feeling in like my the center of my chest and I'm like, oh god I'm gonna yeah when I close my eyes and put my head back if it's spinning. It's gonna be a bad night But that's the thing I when I get the spins. I like I can fall asleep Most people can't I can fall asleep, but if you wake me up a

Projectile my dad did that once he woke me up on the couch. I was like what the fuck is wrong with you? Why'd you wake me up? Everywhere it's safer you throw up you're going for distance. Yeah, exactly came out of my nose Keith dude when Keith threw up like I think was the last time he threw up. It was It was white like fucking it it was white Like you cut off the top of a gallon of water and just dumped it on the floor. That's terrible. Are you okay? It's just I don't know Gross, I'm sorry. I threw up and oh by the way, everyone's probably wondering

Keith didn't piss himself New Year's either. He had all these shots of Jameson. Oh, whoa. I did pee Oh But it wasn't on the bed. It was as I was going to the bathroom. All right. Yes, like wait. What does that mean? You're like I evolved to a dumber stage wait you pissed yourself on the way to the bathroom. Yes All right, I guess I usually pinched the shaft, but I couldn't I didn't I didn't have the motor skills. What you pinched the shaft You're crazy, you know how much that hurts. Do you know how damaging that probably is your dick's all fucked up. That's like That's like trying to bust and holding it in. Yeah, that's bad for you. That's called edging by the way

Oh, that's a porno term. Yeah, that's good. Good. We'll hunt thing. It's gonna say Joe What are you doing on your spare time? No, the only reason why I know that is because when I worked out early Daily they did a documentary on this porn star and he was talking about it and that's how I learned it anyway moving on No, I didn't why would I try that? It's fucking scary like give myself blue balls just let it out So Keith wait a minute. So when you really have to pee instead of just using the muscles that God gave you Hold your dick shut when I release when I have Stuff to drink. I don't have those muscles. They're like gone. It's like those get drunk It's like yeah, I just let it through who cares dude. I just I

Don't know what's wrong with you. Just let it go. I've been trying to figure out That's the scariest thing I've ever heard in my life. What about if you really got a shit you put your thumb up there and No, that's a legit question. I don't know I've never had figured if you're stopping the front door the back door you're doing you can clench your butt Yeah, you could clench your You're rethrod. I don't know what this is what I'm saying right now scrotum. No, you're scrotum Divina who you texting nothing the fucking phone down? I Can't I gotta sorry I gotta put my video on oh

Keith's trying to Sorry Trying to what what did you say? I didn't hear you plug is he's new YouTube channel, bro I know I was excited about that. He just made one. He literally just put a video out While we were talking right now about him clenching his dick tip to stop pee from exiting his body How does your dick not explode? I didn't I don't I don't think I've done it I think I've done it for the fun of it like stopped it like oh just to see what it felt like It's painful. It's painful. What can that be? It's not I just did it to see what it would feel like and damn

It's like blue balls times 10. I would never it hurts anything flows out of me all the time You know one time I was having a dream that I was peeing in a urinal Urinal woke up and was just pissing myself Like quickly had a little bit of piss and I was 20 years old like so I was not young Yo, this was something I just recently went to a German bar and the urinal had a little Sockernet in it with a little ball hanging and you had to hit the ball for it to go into net I had the best time of my life It was a fucking amaze. That's awesome. I would have forced myself. It was it was like a dump in there

It was a Christmas dinner It was a Christmas dinner It was on one stompers in like Middle Village stompers. It was real the food and beer there were amazing We're going tomorrow. Yeah, you'll keep the beer there beats American beer, and I never say that Ever that's dope get a spotting It's like sugar and alcohol mix it together you got beer But it was a net and you hit the ball and it went into the net. I thought I had fun doing that I passed three times. I've never gone to a bathroom and

Been excited especially in like a restaurant. No, was it a bar? It was a restaurant bar We ate and we drank was it more bar and more restaurant more restaurant, okay, but it was packed at the bar dude bar bathrooms are disgusting It's usually just like everything's covered in water. No, yes, I don't really know it was clean. It's like uh, it's everything soaked It's like a club dance floor. Oh, yeah, like what's going on completely soaking wet It's like what the fuck man. I can't even people are like it's so easy to pee. I'm so over the club scene. Yeah, I'm done with that It's over. Yeah, but yeah Anyway Guys today I have two sponsors getting crazy now now we got to and we got a new one to bring to the family here

Wait to hear it zip recruiter. What is it? Oh, if you had to guess Zippers there you go. Davino. He's correct. Wow. Just kidding. You're a fucking damn it idiot. Okay, fuck It's the new year which means a fresh start for your business not you though But posting your job in one place is enough to find quality candidates with zip recruiter You can jump start your hiring in 2017 post your job to 200 plus job sites Including social media networks like Facebook and Twitter all with a single click. You could find candidates in any city or industry nationwide Okay zip recruiter Find out today why zip recruiter has been used by over 1 million businesses and right now

You guys can go on zip recruiter And you can post jobs for free by going to zip recruiter comm slash basement. Okay, that's zip recruiter comm slash Basement. All right the promo code basement. This is a real one guys I really got to stop doing fake ones because people just like don't Believe me when I do real ones now And the next one we have here is me on these oh Which I've kind of just made my entire underwear collection me on these I'm not even kid like I literally went through and first of all I don't wear boxers anymore

Yeah, thanks for that because now I actually have underwear. I still like boxers. No, I don't okay too loose Don't like it. It doesn't support the sack Right. I need everything to be held in one place. What are you trying to keep your sack nice and tight? You're supposed I am it. I don't want to be an old guy I can't wear shorts now because my balls are dangling down Is that the real thing Listen this sounds like I'm like part of the advertisement right now even though we're doing it But these really are really comfortable and once you wear it tight

Comfortable things around your junk. You're like I'm not putting hard Fucking material boxers on these anymore. You're real comfortable. What are you sleeping Joey? Just Boxers or basketball shorts. Anyway, so me on these like I was saying they're soft as fuck and they're made of Here we go modal model can't I fuck this up every time I've done it, but it's a fabric That's twice as twice as soft as cotton. I believe you so that's so that's that I've seen your me on these and I'm a fan

Sometimes I steal them. Okay, that's enough Shipping is free in the US and Canada and you can save up to $8 a pair with me on these subscription plan Get the subscription plan or a single pair get 20% off your first order when you go to me on these comm slash basement That's me on these comm slash basement for 20% off your first order Okay, okay, there you go get the me on this. They also have really comfortable shirts, too I have a couple of those. It's cool, but it's like mostly underwear But seriously, like, you know people like back in the day I would wear boxers and then just dump Baby powder in my shit. It's an air conditioning for the nuts. It is. Yeah, exactly

I work on you put gold bond there, right? No wait listen I work construction and every morning before I leave I get a little thing of baby powder And I put down my balls see if you just had comfortable fucking modal model What are the fuck that shit is called on your dick? What about those Duluth? What are those fucking things? What? Yeah, no one Making shit up again. I

Just can't really go into detail with it. I saw in a commercial What's my train of thought fuck you all? All right. Anyway By the way, I'm extremely tired Me too a little bit. No, but you know why well first of all obviously New Year's sets you back because you stay up all night And you drink and then the next day you just sit on the couch like a piece of shit So yesterday I was on the couch and I fell asleep at like 9 30 like I was in my bed. I was like I'm too Actually, I was so I was exhausted, but then at like 11 30. Oh, I Hear a commotion upstairs my like there the kitchen is

Right up the stairs from my room I'm in the basement up the stairs then there's the kitchen and I hear my sister Shannon Apparently there was a like a roach or something and She was in a fetal position on the counters away from this fucking Roach that I guess was like near the entrance of the kitchen. Yeah, I was the one who No, yeah, I'll get to you in a second Steve Irwin So I'm laying in bed trying to sleep. I hear Shannon scream Screaming bloody murder. She was like, I can't fucking get out of here like she wouldn't stop yelling

And like there was someone physically keeping her yet from leaving She made it seem like this roach was the size of me and and fucking like blocking her Blocking her from getting out of the kitchen like Shaquille old Neil blocking her out of the fucking and then I hear Then I hear fucking this kid out of nowhere. All right. Let me check it out First of all, no, and then he got her out of the kitchen and you would have thought he was like Rescuing little kids from burning building because he's like, all right. Go go go go go go now Shannon got out. I hear her yet walking running on like across the house screaming the entire time Keith screaming now It's 1130 screaming you were yelling you have no idea how loud you are when you because you talk at

First of all, so this is what happened, right? So I'm still laying in bed wishing they would just shut the fuck up because it's a roach big deal This is New York City. Yo, I'd flip It's not that big of a deal centipedes. Anyway, so she so then Keith starts clamoring for weapons and the first thing he grabs is like one of his shoes and He Lines up hits it. No, I didn't no no no. Oh, well, he I heard you say got him. Oh This fuck he's under the fridge so apparently he hit hit it and it kept go cuz it's a strong road

It was big look, I don't know I explain this was it a water bug This is what I heard from my point of view. All right, that's what he saw. I didn't see that quotations. I heard it I understand what happened was Yeah, whatever. She's crying in there And now I had no idea what the fuck this thing is they could have went behind something already so now I'm looking around by the kitchen by the stove because that's where it was and at the corner of my eye I see like the biggest fucking antenna like feeling around are you and I'm like holy shit and then what

it was was it was like we have a countertop and it was on the bot like it was hanging upside down and just chilling there like no one can see me did you grab it? it was big it was a fucking big I'll say it was maybe like three inches stop it yo that's not safe yeah right yo the legs on this thing like he had took like fucking steroids it had like big spikes at the back yo that's grossing me out stop you killed it though right no I'll get to it it's still there now yes now I'm searching for weapons all this shit right I was gonna allegedly I was first gonna use my shoe but then I'm like it's like in

such like a weird spot that like if I fucking miss he's got like free reign because he's gonna drop and he can run at me and I don't want that he's gonna attack he runs at me I'm gonna start screaming so instead I found man I treat thing where you can like hide it a treat and then put like a circle over yeah the dog thing I got for Charlie it was like kind of flat so that was what I used and I kind of like went and then I hit him when I hit him I guess I just hit like half of his body he dropped and like his back legs just weren't fucking working that's so gross and he like so lowly got under the fucking stove and I

just never saw him again Jesus so he's still there Joey good luck tonight you hear the best bar he has to be dead he's gonna wake up on my neck tomorrow I have a feeling they're just what I would I picture cockroaches voices as our hello chat good day why I just see it they're British they're ugly but so cool no they're disgusting no mate I'm just trying to survive everything anything with little intent is that I just fucking hate oh it's gross and they fly yeah some of them do one of them flew into me once when I was on a ladder at work no I lost I fell and it hurt I'm lying to workers come what the fuck the

best part about this whole thing is that when I woke up in the morning I met my mom in a living room and the the fucking thing he was using the toy I got for Charlie was on the coffee table in the living room and the shoe that he used was also on the coffee table so she was furious picks up the shoe he stepped in shit there was shit on the bottom of his shoe okay damn it and you put it on the coffee table at the bottom of their shoes dude how do you know you stepped in shit I'm very well you didn't know the dog shit in your room so who knows yeah you just don't you can just don't you're getting old you're starting to lose

sense I'm gonna pause yeah you just he doesn't know anything now you know when people get here people get old they can't hear like loud noises or they can't see certain colors you just can't smell dog shit apparently I'm losing all my senses well that's that Davino I heard that you had an interesting story involving one of her friends of med which I should have had him on but I forgot to text him I saw him earlier but because I have no idea I didn't hear this yet oh my god all right so Ahmed texts me every like what was it for I was it was Saturday morning and goes your breakfast and I'm like a man I've

been up for the past three hours I had breakfast already it's like 10 11 o'clock he's like all right fine so he's not texting me and Ralphie text me he goes you want to get food I'm like yeah I'll go get coffee so we end up going to like bagel house on Steinway in Denmark's and Pete showed up I was so hyped about that so hyped my cousin yeah no fucking I don't know man I'm just relaxed so we have breakfast and blah blah blah and Ralph goes you I need to get a haircut I was like whatever I'll come chill I don't give a fuck so a med goes we're walking we're walking we're walking say goodbye to Pete and his

friend and we're really paint the picture and a med goes yo let's get foot massages I was like I'm good thank you I'll sit here with these 20 people waiting to get a haircut and we'll wait for Ralph no I'll pay for it so I'm like a minute 30 bucks I'm good thank you because no no let's go so Ralph's like yo just go so it's like whatever foot massage turned into a back massage wait what it wasn't a foot massage it was 30 minutes back massage for $30 this like a barbershop offered this no no no the massage place next door oh okay so I was like yo I've never gotten a massage before professionally like I've never

done it so I was like I don't know what to expect so the lady goes yes yes please please please come come come come into room come into room so as I'm walking in the back I see two guys sitting in the back now I'm like fuck this I'm not letting a guy touch my back get the fuck out of here so I go hold on miss one second please because it was a secretary I walk into the next booth where I met is sitting and I closed the blinds and I turn around and the meds half-naked all right and I'm like dude what the fuck are you doing and he goes dude so you get for a massage I was like dickhead you're half-naked he has his boxes on that's

it we're briefs whatever and he goes yeah you're supposed to and I'm like there's no shot in hell I'm taking off my sweatpants so he goes I'm like I'm mad if this guy comes into my room and touches me I'm walking out there's no guy rubbing my back not here not today all right so he goes yeah very so he goes no no no we got girls so like all right fine so as I'm walking out I see a guy outside outside a meds room clapping his hands and rubber and I'm like I he walks in and all I hear is a med go you're gonna give me a back massage yes yes yes and he goes okay so I was like fuck that if a guy walks into this room

I'm flipping the fuck out so I lay down and a lady comes in no say you're the you're the wrong way and I was laying on the bed the wrong way would you have your feet in the donut hole yeah oh my god I'm sorry I was like are you giving you my massage she goes yes yes and I was like fine I was like I'm perfectly normal with this I've never gotten a massage before my neck was fucked up right and I was like all right I'm just gonna get it more fucked up it's gonna be really bad this lady went to town on my back didn't fuck up my neck but all I heard in next room was so to myself I was like oh man it's gonna happy ending

that's great like he's gonna fuck it's jerked off that hard yo Joey like like that maybe I'm like slapping his back maybe but I started laughing but yo deadass I need to not take all my sweatpants I went the lady walking I was like yo I'm keeping my pants on yes yes yes that's good so that's good so yes yeah you're missing out on the legs that's the best part I give it she was rubbing my legs by through the sweatpants yeah I did not give to a lot of friction man my sweatpants were staying on and my shirt was off that was it she put some oil on he's very comfortable she went to town I was very uncomfortable

I was like yo I this is on the fucking dipmars I was like now fuck dude when I got a massage my favorite part was the hands when they massage your hands I'm like oh no yeah that was my favorite part too she put oil on my hands and she rubbed my head like oh this is heaven first of all the girl that I had was like happy 70 pounds soaking wet and and this is the first time I ever got a massage and she jumped on the fucking table I thought they did it standing on next to it she jumped on it put a fucking elbow my spine I was like she did Jesus Christ she was hovering over me I was like okay and now she'll stab me in

my spine I know I was like what the she she was the strongest 70 pound woman I've ever fucking seen in my life I was in tears she kept asking me if I was okay because I kept making noises saw you okay she kept she was doing the back of my neck and like I thought she was gonna snap my shit and I was gonna be paralyzed because she was pushing with her thumb her knuckles were like fucking made a steal like Wolverine this lady has given me such was heavily breathing so I felt like she was in she was in pain more than I know this lady when she did the back of my neck I thought I was my house I had like you get like the

white around your eyes and you're about to pass out I had that just like you're okay I was like I'm good like it's it's like some not to be a good massage and then at the thing beeps okay so thank you bye and she left and I walked into a bedroom I was like yo you're right nah man that dude that dude must have been through going through a divorce he fucked me up he fucked me up bad I'm like what do you mean like no no no he beat the shit of me I had my spine hurts he beat the shit out I was like so I was like so don't pay and he goes no I got to and I was like all right like thank you thank you for the massage bro I was

pretty good you know and it was it was all right she put oil on my back I freaked out I was like oh I'm gonna break out yo you really gotta chill out I don't you wonder why you have anxiety and shit I was I was flipping out but when she touched my she washed it off with some hot water and I said thank you thank you very much miss it was good I'd let a dude massage me not me a masseuse not me why not I just don't want a man touching my back God you're hypermasculine bro just me it was good don't let me touch your back yeah I know who you are why cuz I'm like barely male yep keep I let you rub my feet it's okay that's

gotta be a like an awful job I mean me personally I could not hate feet more I'll never massage feet and I just like if you imagine all day just having to first of all being a masseuse has to be kind of like some days is rough because sometimes some dude will come in there just like gross just hair and just like sweating fucking what are those like growths called like skin tags oh Joey and you just got to rub them down like rubbing the rock so we're gloves there was a point when she can't wear how loves she put a towel over my back and massage me and I guess when she said oh his back is nice she took it off I don't

know what that said I don't know you just said was that like what she was thinking I hope so I have a nice back nice and clean safe secure you know I've never washed you know I've never washed the middle of my back in my entire life cuz I can't read you have a fucking a stick with the sponge on it no I have one do you I love it what do you think my spine's dirty what do you think that thing's called a woofer oh my god you just say woofah what's it called not woofah tell me it's a fucking Wolverine what Lufa so I was very farly wrong very farly wrong you said woofah farly wrong you fucking idiot woofah like it's a

full moon outside right so I was I was I was I was I was very letter off I was far away yeah all right the problem is as you've been calling it a woofah for fucking 20 whatever years I don't know how old you are a woofah and a stick I rub my back with it no I don't I have the dirtiest back ever 25 years of dirt it's just black sometimes it gets a white you know birthmarks like not dirt can't reach it sorry I have a lot of sunspots on my shoulders can I ask you a question also when you're in the you're in the shower do you wash the bottom of your feet yeah don't do that either why he's lying no you don't yeah

I do I swear to God you sure yeah okay why now who doesn't I don't you watch your do you wash your ass no yes of course all right then that's like one of the main three things so you mean some of you were outside barefoot for to July weekend most of us are you don't wash your body I will go out of my way if I know the bottom my feet are dirty if I'm barefoot out in the woods I'll come home and wash my feet but I'm not in there on it like a daily bait like I can count on two hands it's just like a thing I do now I wash my feet like I wash my balls one time I tried to wash the bottom my feet and I soaked them up

once I stood down it was fucking lost my life shit so stop doing it right exactly yeah no dick be safe exactly that's why I'm being sick I don't really wash my shins anything I can't reach if I don't bend over like a little bit I can I'm not I don't do you gotta practice safe showering you guys are terrible people I wash my dick first first so no I do that's the only I do it I think I do everything like around that area last no I do dick first because that when you get in the shower you use your use the shampoo the most soap soap you will use shampoo to your mind man but those those bullshit ones where it's

like it's like a seven-in-one yeah it's like a body wash so yeah it's for your dog your grandma your line your grandma's to pay it's like alright stop I soap everything up and then when I do shampoo before I wash my hair I'll give it a little I'll give it a little shampoo do you do you use a what do you say a woofa woofa whatever or a washcloth or you just soap up no I'm straight hands that's it that's what I told I was I was told I can't use any of those like weird I don't like using like tools what's wrong with your mouth no because they they feel weird I don't think they feel good I like to scrub it just feels

like I'm washing my like it's like a cheese grater hands is good I used to oh what the fuck are those ball things that's what I'm talking about bat bombs no those are the dumbest things in the world yeah let me throw fucking 700 pounds of soap in here no one in their right mind buys that because they like just want to use it they buy it so they could take a video of it and post it on Twitter said dumb it turns your whole bathtub into a swamp yeah it's fucking green now sometimes I get scared doing that because if I go into a bathtub with soap I can't see what's at the end it could be a shark in your top that's why

I used to think when I was a baby yeah I can't go in the pool at nighttime because I feel like there's a shark in there yeah someone just dumped a fucking shark it's all in water everyone's fear is a shark in the water yeah if you're in a fucking saltwater pool maybe no I my worst fear is just being left out in the ocean yeah like by myself wait in the water in a raft because I'll be fine in the water oh yeah your fuck your dad I mean I would I would have a heart attack and die if I was on a raft in the ocean no no a raft would be fine but if I'm in the water by myself ship sunk dude first of all you're in the middle the ocean if

you're in a raft it's only you know a matter of minutes before you're flipped over you ever see the fucking waves out there so what dick hold on yeah you Johnny tsunami what are you in the fucking perfect storm it's gonna flip you over yeah trying to go that's a real thing no no yes maybe there's big ass waves in the ocean what are you trying to get it was this is a Jones coming out of nowhere now Keith what you need to do is you need to get one of those watches where you pull also what about if a humpback whale comes out of fucking nowhere blowholes you you're all you're 20 feet in the air now he's not

trying now you got a ride home he's not trying to cause a ruckus he's just trying to see if you're okay dude that's I have I don't like imagine you started talking I like thinking about an English what they humpback well I picture a humpback whale well hold on hold on I picture a humpback well I picked a humpback whale's voice to be like like a Spanish hey homes you good yeah amen you're right that's how I picture it is that how you picture it oh a bit what about a dolphin what do they sound like hey hey hey hey hey bro hey you safe you come half a bottle of wine and everybody now he's three-fourths in it's

gone there you go fucking losing it oh my god that's my worst fear what's your worst fear Keith I'm not scared of anything sharks a hundred percent that's your worst fear if you live in New York City and you don't need to fear you're wearing a shark right now sharks and the swine flu the swine flu didn't we have that or we had the bird you had that didn't you no I might have we had the H1N1 yeah that oh that's one fluke that's crazy that's why I couldn't go to school for three weeks that's probably again and then once I came back no you didn't have to go to school no they didn't want me to go I didn't want I

should have came over your house I'm sure you were dying to get in there my school would have said yeah sure come in I barely want to do my my high school was the epicenter like when that whole thing happened your school was the first one to get it yeah my school was the first one to get it because some these kids from who are seniors went to like Mexico and got it and then brought it back here so like a lot of people got sick because it's like really contagious and I don't know if I had it I just had a fever so they just assumed that I had it this guy's a swine flu get him out it was like a hundred point one like it

wasn't really high but me and Keith had to go because we both had like slight fevers went to the doctors they take a q-tip and shove it as far as it can go into your face Joey my doctor through your nostril that doc my doctor does that all the time to me when I have a fever a q-tip yeah and why why do you go to the doctor if you have a fever strep throat a fever oh they have to make not a throat culture it's called a throat culture that's in your throat this one went into my nostril if they touch their face first of all I'm not good with throat cultures when I was younger I look I'm not lying I had five nurses

yeah hold me down one held my one leg the other held the other leg then two were holding my arms and then one was holding my nose so that I had to open my mouth yep do you want to help my breath you want to hear something while when I was younger I had them what they called throat polyps and they like they snore and they prevent you from breathing right good so my doctor is like okay I need to check Anthony I have to stick this long fucking tube down your nose that goes up to your brain and down your throat so I was a little kid and I was crying so my dad this fucking prick I had to sit on his lap and he

held me down I'll never forget this that bastard he held me down my arms and my legs and I couldn't I was in tears and she stuck this tube up my nose I felt every step of the way I can't I can't all the way up my nose into my eye down into my throat she goes okay thank you I put the medicine in now let's pull it out and she pulled that shit out like a snake like a bat out of hell I can't even like imagine what that feels like I cried until this day I hate my father and you're still there I can't stand them I remind them every day I was like yeah you owe me your life and he tells me to go fuck myself great guy love the man anyway

let's wrap this up real quick all right Keith where can they find you you can find me at Twitter Instagram and YouTube there you go YouTube.com slash Keith Sanagato snapchat he doesn't have snapchat I don't have a snap it's not that I thought I had him the whole time Davina where can they find you for everything Twitter tumblr snapchat Instagram Pinterest Facebook Zanga there you go Minecraft all it's all at Ant Vino and TV I know thank you be sure to not go follow him everyone thank you wait not follow me follow med no no no we can't do that leave him alone it's it's a med I don't really know what it is

anymore I've always fucking on everybody tweet him RIP Jesus that's scary um anyway that is all thanks for listening you motherfuckers