The Basement Yard - F**k The Tooth Fairy

Episode Date: March 29, 2016

Easter was yesterday so I'm talking about the easter bunny, the tooth fairy, and other nonsense that I refuse to type. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Welcome back to the basement yard. It is Monday, March 28th. I just drank soda right before I started this thing. Big mistake! I never drink soda. I'm gonna be burping the entire time. The entire time, but I can't burp. Like, I've never actually burped in my entire life, like, once, and I got scared. I thought I was gonna throw up. But I really, I swear to God, I can't burp. And like, I know that makes me kind of like a bitch, but I can't do it. I can't burp. Like, I just do these things where, you'll probably hear it, or you probably have heard it, and you're like, what the fuck is he doing? But like, it comes up in little bubbles. Like, I'll just be like...

Just like that. I can't burp like a man. I can't do it. I'm a bitch. But I'm gonna be burping the whole time. Well, like, you know, my definition of burping. I never drink soda, though. I can't do it. The only time I do drink soda is if I'm at a bar and I'm getting like a jack and coke. I'm like, well, you know, then I'll drink the soda. I'll drink the coke, you know? Because they water it down anyway. They put fucking, they fill the whole thing up with ice cubes. Anyway, but like, and I was talking about this with my friends and my family the other day, since we're talking about soda real quick.

I don't know if I'm alone on this, but... Alright, bear with me here. I'm an idiot. I'm a psycho. So listen, when I see people on the street, like, drinking a can of soda, I'm just like, wow, what a piece of shit. Just like, how can you drink, like, just a can of soda on the street? Like, I would rather someone be smoking a cigarette, like, and blowing it in a baby's face, rather than drinking a can of soda on the street. Like, it's terrible. I don't know why that drives me so crazy. Like, drinking soda is fine. Like, I don't do it because it's like, really bad for you and it's acidic.

And I'll just burp for like three days straight, so I don't do it. But, um, which is fine. But like, you know, drinking it in a place, in a place, just be in a place. Don't be on the sidewalk with a fucking can. Just throwing it back. Here, a little Pepsi or Coca-Cola. God. Have some self-respect. It's crazy. You know what, though? The reason why I can't even remember this conversation is because my brother just went to Ikea and my mom told me that he got a seltzer from the vending machine and he was drinking that while walking through the store. So I was like, dude, a seltzer? You're drinking soda in public?

And he's like, yeah, I guess so. And I was like, you know what, out of all the sodas, or all the pops, if you're from like fucking, I don't know where, people call it pop. I don't know, Alabama, you guys call it pop? I don't fucking know. But, um, out of all the sodas, that's the one that's probably the most acceptable. Like a seltzer, like a ginger ale, like, oh, maybe my stomach's a little upset, you know? But you're not drinking, you're not like, like, if you're drinking a Mountain Dew in public, oh my God, dude. Get off the street, get in jail, turn yourself in. That's a crime. I hate it. I don't know why I hate it so much, but it's like one of my pet peeves.

Just drinking soda on the street. I'm losing my mind. Anyway, Easter just passed. Happy Easter for those who celebrate. I had a nice Easter. Um, this is the first year in a while that I didn't eat jelly beans for breakfast, because that's usually what happens. I wake up and, uh, there's candy everywhere, and, um, I just started eating it. But that's not what went down. Um, I went to my aunt's house, we had brunch, it was great.

I did eat a shit ton of food though, like, look, my mom made these homemade, this homemade pizza, right? She, first of all, if she opened up a fucking store, I mean, a store, a pizzeria, and just sold pizzas, forget about it, she'd be a billionaire because her pizza is fire. It's so good. Um, but she made these pizzas, I had like five slices of those, then my aunt made these pancakes, which were textbook, by the way. Like, you ever see it like, like on the internet, they're like, oh, perfect pancakes, and it's like completely flat brown, like, it's just like perfectly tan, like a, like a tanned pancake.

Like, she was just, like, all of them were like that, I'm like, these are textbook. So I had like five of those pancakes, a couple of pieces of French toast, an alarming amount of bacon, and, uh, I think a cupcake. What else did I have? I don't know, something like that. It was gross, but I mean, you know, it's, that's what Easter is, man. I, I like, uh, didn't call her eggs. I mean, I don't, I don't think we've ever been like a huge Easter family.

When we were younger, we used to like, draw on eggs, like with, you know, the crayons, and, you know, you put them in the paint and you make, or the dye, rather, the paint. What am I saying? Uh, you put them in the dye and then you put them in the fridge in the next day, that's got your creation on it, and you're like, oh my God, I'm an artist. Um, but we never did the whole, like, all the Easter bunnies coming. You know what I mean? There would just be candy and like, no one would even like explain, like, we didn't care

when we were younger, like, if, if, if candy appears on this day, I don't care how it got there, I'm just down. Like, I'm like, cool. I'm eating it right now before breakfast. Give me the jelly beans. But like, it's such a weird hot, like, why? Who made that up? Like, dude, a giant bunny is going to come in the middle of the night and just leave candy

everywhere and, and eggs with money in them. There's going to be an Easter egg hunt. You're all going to have to go out in the yard and look for these eggs. What a fucking weird thing. Who made that up? You know? Here, just, there's a huge bunny going to just, whatever. And as a kid, you don't ask questions.

You don't go, dude, why is the bunny there? It's just because there's candy. You're like, dude, fuck it. He could have been doing anything. He could have killed someone on his way over here. As long as he leaves a basket of jelly beans, I'm down, whatever. I don't care. Like, it doesn't make sense.

That and like, like that one is like the most unbelievable holiday. Like that one, like I'll tell little kids and not feel bad. Maybe like, dude, listen, Easter bunny's not real. And like, I don't think anyone really gives a shit about that one. I don't even think kids believe in it. The other one is the tooth fairy, which I was terrified of. I hated that. The tooth fairy was terrifying.

Dude, because like, first of all, it only happened once and I cried. Like, one of my teeth came out, like a tooth came out and my mom's like, Oh, you got to put it under your bed. The tooth fairy is going to come and she'll leave you money. The idea and as a, even at a young age, the idea of someone sneaking into my room in a fucking fairy outfit and taking my rotten tooth from out from under my pillow, putting it in a knapsack with other rotten teeth from other people and then leaving me a couple dollars for it was terrifying.

I was like, dude, what? Like, what is this lady doing with all these children's teeth? This is the weirdest fucking lady in the end. You're letting her in here just cause she's leaving me 13 cents. Thanks a lot, mom. Gee, I actually think one time my mom was really into like, let leaving letters, like being pen pals, whatever. Cause my mom has like, phenomenal handwriting and I remember one year

I wrote Santa a letter and she wrote one back as an elf. I was like, oh dude, Santa's busy, but I got your list of shit and uh, yeah, as long as you're good, we'll, uh, we'll, we'll get those to you. Love jingles and I fucking lost it. I was like, what? First of all, my mom wrote it in like old English fucking, uh, font. Like you ever go on the computer, you see old English, like every letter takes an hour to make.

She wrote it in that and like signed it like crazy. She was big on letters. So I think the tooth fairy one time just like left me a letter and I was like, thanks a lot. Where the fuck is the quarter or whatever the fuck you're supposed to leave me. I remember some kid was like, dude, my old tooth fairy left me 20 bucks. Like, dude, what the fuck? Your dumb tooth was $20.

God damn it. But yeah, I hated that shit. I hate, I hated losing my teeth. Um, I hated the dentist. Dentist is like the worst thing ever, man. And the dentist that I went to as a young kid. Oh my God, this woman was a fucking nut job. A nut job.

She's the type of woman that would collect teeth. Like I think she did. She would ripped it. Like she got, we used to call her doctor death. I'm not going to say her actual name, but she, she lived, I don't know if she lives there, but her office is a couple blocks away from me. She could live there. Who knows?

But this woman, I can almost guarantee got joy out of ripping teeth out of kids faces, like at the first sign of trouble, she would just rip them out. You know, cause other teeth are growing in. I'm sure as an adult. I walk in there and she's like, Oh, this teeth, this tooth is a little yellow rips it right out of my face. Cause that's what she used to do. And she wouldn't even like warn my mom like, yeah, I'm going to do this.

You know, I'm going to try and surprise them so they're not scared about it. She would just do it. My mom was like, huh? You know what I mean? This lady was crazy. She had these thick glasses, like thick man, like bulletproof glass. Like if you shot a sniper bullet through like at her glasses, bounce right off, they wouldn't even like, like nothing would happen.

Her glasses were thick as shit and she would just get in there in your mouth. Pretty sure she stuck her whole head in your mouth and she would inspect shit. She would be poking it with that poker thing. God, I hate that fucking thing. When they go, uh, when they go two hands in the mouth, oh God, I hate that shit. They're always asking you questions.

Sir, could you, uh, so how would you think about the giants this year? I'm like, dude, why are you asking me questions? I can't, I obviously can't fucking respond to you right now. You got both your fucking hands in my mouth. When they grab those two tools, I get, I get terrified. I can't do it. That one, it's like a flat, it's like a flat mirror thing. And then the other thing is just a straight up pointy fucking, what I don't

even know, like a spike razor sharp thing and she goes around and she taps all your fucking teeth and she misses one and hits your gum and then it starts bleeding and she puts that thing in your mouth that sucks the blood out. The mouth is dry. Like I haven't drank a glass of water in a month. I hate the death. How do you like it? Even if you have great teeth, like I don't have the best teeth.

Don't have the best teeth and I've never had a cavity. Pretty sure I have one now, but I'm not going to go just because I hate the dentist. Um, it doesn't hurt, but it's going to turn into a hole in my face and then I'm eventually going to have to go get a root canal, which, which is going to be sick, but whatever. But, um, the fuck was I talking about? Oh, I've never had a cavity, but I did have a root canal when I was super

young and that was the worst experience in my life. I had to go to five different dentists because I just wouldn't let them do it and they would get frustrated. Like they'd go to put novocaine in my face and I would like fucking karate chop their forearms and they will drop whatever they had in their hands. Like they're like, I'm not doing this. We went to five different ones and finally went to this one thing and the guy shot me with novocaine and I was just like, all right, I'm numb now.

Go for it. And, uh, the only thing I remember, I was kind of young. The only thing I remember is that they had, they put like, I don't really know the procedure. If there's a dentist listening, relax, bud. I'm like paraphrasing or whatever the word is. Um, but they put these like rubber things like in your roots, I believe, and then melt them so that it seals it off.

So there's no decaying or some dear bird. And, uh, the guy, because they heat up this, the metal thing and then they put it on the rubber and the rubber eventually like burns or whatever. So the guy does it and he puts it on my lip. Right. And then he just leaves it and he turns around starts doing something else. And this thing's fucking hot as hell. And I start going, oh, the guy's like, oh, shit.

And he pulled it off and I was like, God damn it. So that's the only thing I remember. I get my lip burned while I was getting my, uh, Ruka now. As if it's not like fucking hard enough of a procedure. I was like nine years old. Again, get my tooth ripped out of my face nine times. That was another thing. When they ripped the tooth out, it just like crumbled.

So all the, all the, uh, one of those things prongs, the roots, I don't know. Those were still in there. So they had to rip those out one by one. God, I, I could, my mouth hurts just talk about this shit. Oh, and my wisdom tooth was growing in like a couple of weeks ago. Miserable, miserable, miserable. I was shoving oral, or a gel in my mouth. That stuff's amazing.

I'm gonna use that like day to day. You just shove it in your mouth. You can't feel anything. It's kind of awesome. Honestly. Um, but yeah. Yeah. Fuck that.

Fuck the tooth fairy. Fuck the dentist. Anyone that likes teeth or has anything to do with teeth, fuck them. What the fuck is that noise? Oh God, someone's breaking in. I'm going to die. Um, went to the movies today. So a Batman or Superman.

It was, right? So I'm not going to ruin it for anyone or say anything, but the movie was a little weird. Um, being a fan of Marvel and DC, uh, it was, I didn't have high expectations, but it was pretty good. It was, it was all right. It was okay. You know, the first half of the movie, I would did not like the second half. I loved, um, and they ended it very well. That's all I'll say about the movie, but I think I'm going to start going to the movies alone now.

I went today with one of my friends like early in the morning. I think that's the way to do it now. If you're going, if you're still going to the movies like late at night, God, you're out of your mind. That's so dumb. Why would you go at night for a date? First of all, movies is the worst date to go on unless you're married and you hate who you're with. And you're like, dude, if I can just get like two hours to not have to talk to you. Fine.

Let's go to the movies. Let's just sit there. You're not allowed to talk to me because we have to watch the movie. That's it. That's the only reason, but like, don't go on a date with someone you, with someone you like to the movies. You can't talk to them the whole time. What do you know about them afterwards? A lot of people do that for first dates.

Oh, let's go to the dinner and a movie, right? And they go to the movie first and then they talk about the movie at dinner. That's dumb. No, you can't do it. Don't go to a movie your first date because you don't know anything about her then. You just sat there. You know that she's good at sitting next to you and watching a movie, which isn't the hardest thing to fucking do. So don't do that.

But I think I'm gonna start going alone and I don't think that's weird. I used to think it, I used to think it was weird until today because my brother Keith always goes to the movies alone. My friend Espo, who I went with today, he always goes to the movies alone. My sister's boyfriend, Vin, always goes to the movies alone. I'm like, dude, what is wrong with you guys? You're such loners. But now that I'm thinking about it, God, beautiful idea. Think about it.

If you want to see a movie, you get to pick a day, go at 10 a.m., no one's there, right? There's no drunk kids, like, you know, whatever. Like, because the last time I went to the movies at night, I forgot what movie I saw. But there was like a party bus of like these freshmen in high school, they got off these party bus. Some chick was in a dress. First of all, who takes a party bus to the fucking movies? What the fuck is that? But they got out, some chick was in a dress, this red dress threw up all over the sidewalk.

I'm like, what the fuck is wrong with these kids? They're out here in fucking mines. Go somewhere else. The movies? Oh, dude, sick night. Took a party bus to the movies. She just took an Uber. Anyway, you go at 10 a.m., no one's there, no one's in line for popcorn or whatever.

So you can easily go up to the counter and spend $20 that you'll regret, you know? By the way, today, I didn't have jelly beans for breakfast, but I did have pretzels in that hot cheese, hot spicy cheese at the movies. That's what I had for breakfast. Disgusting. I did have a protein shake before that up, but though, which is good. But yeah, start going alone. First of all, and there's no one in the theater. That's the best part too.

You have to pick your favorite seat. No one's in the theater. Don't have to wait on lines. You can show up 10 minutes before. It doesn't fucking matter. No one's in there. You get a good seat. Who cares?

You know how many times I've been in movie theaters and it's like late? Like it's like eight o'clock prime time. Like, oh, dude, let's go to the movies when everyone's going. That's so dumb. And you get there. You can't find a fucking seat. You're like, dude, what? And the worst is when your friends walk in first because you want to get a large diet, whatever the fuck.

And then you get into the theater and it's impossible to find your friends then. Oh my God, guys, everyone's having to fuck myself like, dude, shut the fuck up. What are you starting? I don't know, man. I fucking hate that. And when people talk in movie theater, movie theater, oh, it's the worst. My brother went to the movies to see Batman Superman like two days before me. He said the people behind them were talking the entire time.

Those people just need to be shot. Everyone in the movie theater should be able to turn around and just like taze a person if they're talking. You know, you shouldn't be allowed to talk in the movie theater. I'm losing my mind. What the fuck am I talking about? Anyway, but yeah, if you're a fan of Marvel and DC, you can go see that movie. It's all right. It's all right.

If even if you're not, listen, I've been talking about this fucking show forever, but Daredevil on Netflix is amazing, amazing, especially season two. Season one, I liked. It was all right. It wasn't all right. I was really invested in it. I thought it was really good. It's just that season two blows it out of the water, but season one was good, right? Daredevil season one.

And then I watched Jessica Jones and I was like, this is even better than Daredevil season one. Jessica Jones was great also. These are all Marvel characters that takes place in Hell's Kitchen in New York City. But anyway, Daredevil season one. I was like, this is sick. I'm down. Then I watched Jessica Jones. I was like, oh, this is sick.

Then season two came out like two weeks ago. I'm already done with it. 13 episodes. They're an hour long each. And I was like, holy fuck. That's the best season of a show I've ever seen, I think. Like I've watched a bunch of shows. I think that's the best season other than season one of Friday Night Lights, which I loved.

Fucking this shit. Season two of Daredevil is so good. Oh, it's got the Punisher in it. Fucking other people that I'm not going to like, whatever. I mean, the trailer came out and the Punisher and Daredevil are in it. There's other people in it, but I'm not going to say who they are because I'm trying not to ruin shit. But, dude, watch Daredevil season two. I'm telling you, it's worth it.

It's so fucking good. I just like, I don't know. People think I'm like getting paid to advertise the movie. I'm really not. I'm just really excited that it's so fucking good. And I hope the third season comes out tomorrow. Wish it won't, but whatever. Jesus Christ.

And it's almost tax season. Sorry, I'm getting distracted. I just looked down on my phone for a second and my calendar was open and I look and says, Oh, you have a tax appointment on Friday. Thanks for reminding me phone that someone's got to take my fucking money away from me. God, I'm terrified of that shit. Taxes are horrendous, man. When you, when you start like paying, I sound so dumb.

I'm 24 years old. Then I'm like, when you start paying taxes, when you start paying actual taxes, because all the money that I make, I have to pay taxes on. Wow, my voice cracked. Again, this is like the fifth in a, I'm just glad I'm still growing. You know, I'm not at a puberty yet. I still have a long ways to go. Maybe I'll get some more chest hair or something, you know, and then I'll, maybe I'll buzz it

down a little bit because it's getting out of control. Anyway, uh, but yeah, man, uh, I hate going to these tax fucking, these meetings with my accountant. I can't because I feel like he hates me. Like every time I get there, I show him like the amount of money that I made and like certain write offs or whatever. And he, he always makes me feel like I'm a fucking idiot. He's like, no, no, no, he always says that.

No, just what are you doing? You fucking idiot. That's, he doesn't say that, but that's all he leaves out. What are you doing? You fucking idiot. I always feel like, I feel like he hates me. Like I don't, like I'm doing everything wrong. I'm like, dude, I'm trying.

I'm keeping her seats. I'm, uh, uh, writing stuff down or whatever, but he just makes me feel like I'm a fucking asshole and I'm terrified of him. His name is Alex and he has glasses. He takes his glasses off and puts them on the desk like five times during, during the time I'm there, like out of pure, uh, what's the word? Annoyance, I guess. You don't want people to take their glasses off and like scratch their eyes.

They're like, oh God. Like at least five times. He actually like slammed his glasses on the desk last time. He was like, oh God. I was like, sorry, dude, fuck Jesus. Just tell me what I got to do. I'll write you a check. Oh, whatever, whatever.

Okay. I don't know if you guys can hear my dog is sprinting around the living room right now, which is right above me. He's fucking sprinting. This dog's a psycho. I think he has like cabin fever because he's not allowed out yet. He's not, he can't go out for another month. It sucks.

He has to get his third round of shots like our fourth round. I don't know. This guy, dogs need like 15 different vaccines for shit. But, um, yeah, he can't go out for another couple of weeks and it's driving me insane because he's, he's so giddy. He's like, he's a golden doodle. So he's a golden retriever, makes it a poodle and they have a lot of energy. So he needs to just run around and just get rid of all of it.

You know what I mean? He has to exert some, some energy, but it's hard to do that in my house. Like I want to just get him on a leash and just sprint for 10 blocks. And by the time he gets home, he's just out the whole night. Cause right now he wakes up at 6 a.m. like on the dot, which is like awful. Cause I'm not one of those people that could get up and then go back to sleep. Once I'm up, I'm fucking up. Even if I'm really tired, I still can't fall back asleep.

I'm just up. So this fucking dog, 6 a.m. As soon as the fucking clock hits, I'm like, oh, here we go. So I take him out, put him upstairs. He, you know, pisses on the pad, walks around, shits like really close to my shoes. So that's good. But once I could take this bastard out, once I could take this bastard outside and walk him around and, um, you know, run him around and that'd be great.

Hopefully he sleeps later. Like I'm planning on walking him at like 10 o'clock at night. Walk him, get a nice jog in and just get real tired. So he sleeps through the night. That'd be best case scenario. Cause I'm trying to sleep until at least 7 30, 7 30, like max actually. I go to the gym every day with my friend at 8 a.m. So 7 30 is enough time for me to get up, let this dog, you know, shit in my

shoe or something and then, uh, and then go to the gym. Today we, I got home from, I went to the movies and I left him like out in the open with my other dog and, um, he, uh, found like a palm, like, you know, for Palm Sunday, like the old ladies, they make the crosses out of palms. This guy ripped it up to shreds to shreds. I'm like, dude, you're going to hell. And like, I'm not responsible. Like you, you're going, I'm going to heaven.

You ripped up a palm, you're going to hell. Enjoy it. And I don't feel bad for you because you know the rules. Um, but yeah, and I just installed like a camera. I got this, I bought this camera thing that goes in the corner, like of your wherever you want to put it. And, uh, it live streams to your phone. So I can always check on my dog to make sure he's not dead or, you know, I

don't, I don't know, chewing the couch to shreds. I don't know. But, um, yeah, it's, it's, it's kind of cool and weird. Cause like you can, there's also a laser pointer on it so that you can play with him, like when you're gone, cause dogs, they love lasers, dogs and cats. They'll chase lasers until they die. Um, but yeah, so there's a laser pointer on it. So whenever, so whenever I check it when I'm not home and someone else is in

the room, like one of my family members is in the room, I'll take the laser pointer and just put it on their body and then they look right at the camera and like give me a fucking middle finger or something. It's hilarious. It's great. It's the weirdest invention ever. No one's ever safe ever. And like no one's ever like alone anymore.

I'll always be watching. Uh, I hope that creeps them out as much as it, uh, it sounds pretty fucking creepy. So whatever. I don't even like that whole sense was fucked up. I was from the beginning. I was like, I hope that fuck, fuck it up. Uh, anyway, uh, there's going to be a new video tomorrow. Um, pretty excited for it.

Everyone seems to enjoy this series, so I'm going to keep it going. I'm not going to say what it is, but I think you know what it is. Um, anyway, that's all for this week's podcast. If you guys are interested in sports, I run a sports podcast with three of my buddies. It's called veterans minimum. It's on iTunes and SoundCloud to go check that shit out. I'm also on another podcast called invasion of privacy with a female

comedian named Kate Wolf and we talk a lot of shit and uh, it's a good time. We always have other comedians on. There's like four people and it gets real insane. Uh, so you can also check that out. It's also on iTunes and SoundCloud and tell your friends about this podcast. You know, the basement you add. Check it out. All right.

And uh, thanks for listening, you motherfuckers.