The Basement Yard - I Wanna Die In A Zombie Apocalypse

Episode Date: December 29, 2015

In this episode, I talk about Christmas, Lava Lamps, & how I would like to die.. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Welcome back to the basement yard. It's Monday December 28th 4 3rd in the afternoon, and it's already dark out. I hate this horseshit. I hate it Hope you guys had a nice Christmas And you got whatever you wanted. I got a bunch of random gifts None weirder than the one that my mother gave me which was a fucking lava lamp I'm like it was so weird like it's Christmas morning Everyone's open up gifts and mom's like I got something for everyone and she gave me this thing It's like a tube

And I'm like what is this thing so I open it and it's a lava lamp and immediately I'm like my what? And everyone starts laughing. She's like you're really hard to shop for I saw it. I know you like weird stuff So this is what I got. I'm like ma But you know I was kind of excited actually which I use it. It's plugged in right now, and it's it's uh Lava lamping. I don't really know the the verb of what it's doing. It's uh It's getting hot and it's moving around. I don't know these things are fucking dangerous though Dude when these are popular back in 95 or whenever my mom's about you know 10 years late on this gift But when these were popular, they were like in everyone's bedroom like how many people must have died

from lava lamps Like they thought it was cool, and then you know you just die they get I'm touching it right now This thing is hot as fuck if any any type of cloth is like leaning up against this you leave your lava lamp on And you leave the room you come back. It's fucking in flames And I don't even know what's inside it like I think like what if it breaks if it fall because it's at the edge of my desk I don't know what to do with it. I don't know where else to put it. There's no really room for it But I put it at the end of my desk, but God forbid It falls off and cracks and breaks open. I don't even know what's in this shit

It looks like Windex and like this pink Thing I think it's wax, but it could be alien come. I don't know it could be weird shit Who knows like my lava lamp could break and there could be alien come all over the floor And then what an alien grows underneath the floorboards, and then we're all fucked so nice going ma I don't know what the hell's in there. I think it's wax. It's not really moving either like it's hot as hell But none of this stuff is like moving up towards the top. You know I Don't know man. It's it's it's blue and pink It's just it's all over the place. I don't know man. It's so it was the weirdest gift

It was so random. I was so excited though because it was so random. I'm like Who does Where did you even get they don't even I Can't even speak right now. I'm in awe. I don't even know where you go to buy one of these things I haven't seen one Since fucking you know I was one years old one year old Or whatever who cares I also got my NutriBullet that I asked for and I use it for the first time today It works, so that's nice. I'm gonna try and not be a piece of shit anymore because my eating habits have been

Garbage I've just been eating candy and drinking beers. It's disgusting I Think if I didn't do if I didn't keep active I could easily be 200 pounds easily Easily be 200 pounds because like my family's genetics are like crazy Like I really could work out for a month and see like drastic changes in my body But if I don't do anything for a month, then that's also drastic then like my stomach starts poking out You know my face starts to swell up. I Recently been looking in the mirror I'm going like in is my fucking head getting bigger like I didn't like my head just looks

wider like It's so weird and I'm not like one of those people who are just like I'm I'm so fat If I'm skinny because I don't think I'm fat, but I'm just like on I'm well on my way, you know, so That's why I'm a while my voice just cracked like I'm fucking 13 years old And I might be 13 years old with this fucking lava lamp on my desk who knows but um Yeah, if I don't if I don't do something that I'm just gonna get huge and then it's gonna be Hard to because it's so hard to lose weight. I feel like it's so much work like I've been running and well, I can't run anymore because I had a football game yesterday and

My knee is just Completely fucked one of my my right knee my meniscus isn't torn is torn in it And I just haven't gotten surgery because it's not that bad It doesn't hurt that bad but Yeah, it's my right knees all fucked up, but that's not the one the left knee started going so I'm like, okay What the hell's going on? So now I got no knees. I got old man knees and I got a lava lamp, you know balancing out

The the ages there. I got a lava lamp, which means I'm 13 Old knees. I'm 95 so somewhere in between. That's where I am But I can't even run now I was gonna play I was gonna go to the gym today at 6 a.m. Because that's what I'm start doing to get into that routine right go to gym at 6 a.m. Have a fucking smoothie and eggs for breakfast and then just start eating salads and just cutting out all the candy and just beers and whatever like I can't Football is the good good the good. I mean got I hate that football season is almost over

But it kind of is we got like a month left of football and that's it How depressing I just made myself really depressed But that but that's good because that means I don't have to drink randomly during the week because if there's a football game I'm like one or two and then I had like eight and I'm like I'm so bloated and the next day I wake up just like farting for 45 minutes and it's just it's just gross. I just don't feel good So I gotta stop doing that but luckily football season will be over and Then I could just focus on my body and get it ready so that in the summer

If someone sees me at the beach and goes oh you're Joe you're Joe Sanogato's fat brother. Oh, that's so dope Tell him I said what's up. I'm like fuck man Yeah, that's uh, that's what I'm trying to do And also I've been drink. I well I haven't been drinking, but I tried Apple cider vinegar. I don't know if you guys know what that is or if you heard of it, and it's magic wonders My cousin who's like a scientist who was telling me he's actually a scientist like he showed me his card It says scientists. I'm like dude. I thought you guys were fake. I thought like I didn't know scientists for a thing I thought there was just the people on the history channel talking about science and no one actually was like doing

Works I sound like a fucking idiot and don't listen to me But he's a scientist and he told me that apple cider vinegar is really good for a A bunch of different things like it it helps you with weight loss. It's good for you It's just good for you. I could say a bunch of I could rattle off a bunch of stats, but it's just good for you It helps with pretty much everything it clears your sinuses. It does a bunch of shit, so But he was telling me because he also like Does like UFC fighting whatever he's a UFC fighter scientist this kid. He's such an asshole He's like an all-star across the board, but um

So apple cider vinegar he's like I used to take that when I was trying to cut weight Like I would have a shot of it every night, so I'm like, all right Because I'm trying to cut weight as I've been saying in every fucking episode So I'm trying to like get down to one If I could get down to 160 something that would be a miracle, but that would be dope. I'm around I'm somewhere around one 78 180 right now, but So I'm gonna start drinking this shit every day, but it's so bad. It's so fucking bad. It's great It's vinegar, but it's like

It's like apple cidery. That's why they call it apple cider vinegar people Stay along, but it's so gross. I It took me like 15 minutes to have a shot because I kept dipping my tongue in it. It tastes like Really really strong wine and then you're doing a shot of it. It's so hard I chased it with water and skittles guys. I swear to God That's how you know I've been eating so much like candy It's just like once the holidays come around everyone's buying candy for like my mom my brother And it's just all in the house and it's just oh god, and we're just all eating it just getting gross

but So I chased it with water I actually drank water then drank the apple cider vinegar cried had water again, and then just ate skittles So yeah, I gotta start doing that every Chasing it with skittles, but if you guys want you can try apple cider vinegar I'm sure there's one person that listens to her like oh dude It's not that bad and fuck you dude. It is bad. All right. You've probably just been taking it since you're a child And you're just like used to it or whatever

I don't even know what the world would use apple cider vinegar for Because it's gross It actually tastes like like a salad dressing so picture take it like balsamic vinegar, right? Picture having a shot like I actually it's like a double shot glass Like a double shot glass of Balsamic vinegar and just think about how gross and like salty and bitter that is and that's what I was doing It was disgusting. I wanted to just throw up and just Shit on top of the throat. I'm sorry. I'm getting very graphic

I just I really didn't like it, but I got to do it every day now if it's gonna help me It's gonna help me if it's healthy. I'll do it you know whatever but Luckily, I could get it down I really just took it last night because I wanted to see if I can actually get it down because There are certain things that I just physically cannot have like Champagne I can't drink champagne. It's impossible for me

I don't know what it is, but my throat just closes like there was one even on New Year's like two years ago on New Year's I my friend bought a huge bottle of champagne and Once it was 12 o'clock like yeah And then we all went outside and we popped this huge bottle and everyone was drinking from it And I tried to drink from it and like and I was hammered. It wasn't even like I was thinking about it I was like, oh, whatever another drink. I tried to drink it as soon as it touched my tongue my throat closed and my mouth Just filled up and just I just spit it everywhere and I ruined the champagne for everyone because I spit all over the bottle put it

I was just like I can't drink it, you know, so I was worried about this apple cider vinegar shit If I could even get it down Because I didn't want my throat to close look like you get it down, you know These are the problems that I have guys. These are serious problems. All right Apple cider vinegar But yeah, New Year's man. I have no idea what I'm doing for New Year's. I have zero plans I don't know What are you guys doing? I'll come hang out with you

There's someone from like Minnesota that's gonna hear that and go oh, I'm having a party just come through that just come through to fucking Minnesota No, but you know, whatever. I don't know what anyone what my friends mean my friends have no plans last year was an absolute disaster I came up this bright idea. I'm like, hey, why don't we rent out like a loft or some event space and Just invite everyone we know have a party and You know, we'll do it like that And everyone's like that's a dope idea and I was like, I know so I went on Airbnb and I found this space looked a lot bigger in Pictures but I went and so I'm not an asshole

So I went and saw it before I got there and I got there and I was like, okay This is doable. We can work with this and it was like above a wine shop in in Manhattan like the Lower East side I think and so We get there early to set up and we set up a bunch of Tables and one of my friends has a TV because like the place didn't have TV but I was like if I bring a TV here, can we set up the cable so you can watch the bull drop the guy's like, yeah So my friend brings his TV

So I'm like, all right, so we set up the TV guys there. He gives me a key or whatever and I tell him I'm like look I'm having a party here. Obviously What time do we have to be out and he's like what time can you get out? I was like, how about 3 p.m. The next day? So it gives me time to clean up and he's like sounds good, right? So then we have the party. It's a fucking shit show way more people were there than expected random people walked in First of all, I'm telling you this out of my friend like my friends told me this because once I get there to set up like People didn't start getting there till like nine and I got there at six to start setting up

And I just started drinking because I was like, oh no yours and I started just drinking liquor and just I was Hammered by the time anyone got there before anyone got there. I was lit up. So We get there. My friend is a DJ. He brought all his fucking Yeah, he's an asshole, but my friends a DJ and he brought all his equipment and he was like playing fucking music whatever and We watched a ball drop whatever. I'm hammered drinking out of a Jack Daniels bottle. That's the size of a car and I remember Drinking the Jack Daniels and then my friend lights a cigar and he took one puff and then I took it from him and I smoked the entire thing and

Then I remember that I could not lift my feet off the ground and I don't know to this day I don't I don't like smoke cigars that much like I probably had like I Want to say eight cigars my entire life But for whatever reason on this night, I was so drunk and then I was fine though because I'm you know I've been drunk a bunch of times Tons of times, you know, and then I smoked the cigar and I could not lift my feet I was like, oh my god, like I could like I was shuffling because I couldn't lift my feet. I

Don't know what the fuck was going on. So I had I was like, I gotta go I gotta go so I went to my girlfriend's apartment she lived in the city and I remember walking downstairs and I didn't have a jacket on and I was like, you know my jacket and she went and got my jacket and then we took off then I then I get a text at like 3 a.m. And I know it was like, I don't know It might have been like 6 a.m. Because I don't think I woke up at 3 I think I was just out didn't throw up by the way I was a trooper but it was like 6 a.m.

And I woke up to like a hundred texts and my friend's going the guy showed up. He's pissed his wife's here I'm like, what the fuck it was just to keep in mind. It wasn't like a house. It was just a loft There was no bedrooms or nothing. It was like for events. So whatever, but the guy showed up at like 2 at 1 a.m. Or something like that or 2 a.m. And he was like, what the fuck is going on because apparently there was shit everywhere And it was all fucked up people were spilling drinks people were thrown up in the sink My friend told me that he was sitting on the steps Outside throwing up and then he would scooch up one step throw up on the rest of the steps

Scooch up another step throw out. I was like you throw up on the whole fucking staircase So he did that and then the guy My friend when the guy walked in my friend was in a sleeping bag in the middle of the room And there was a bunch of people still partying so he walked into that and was like what the fuck's going on So he's he was looking for me and then he sees one of my other friends and he goes hey Are you in charge and he's like yeah the kid in the fucking sleeping bag and He's like you guys got to leave and I'm like and then They ended up leaving that night. They had to pack up all the shit and leave and I was

Blackout, you know sleeping, but they packed up all the shit and left so they got on the subway There was a bunch of videos and pictures of my friends on the subway with like DJ equipment and a TV On New Year's at like 3 a.m. They're on the fucking subway with a TV They're all like in suits people must have been so fucking confused. It looked like they were looting They had all this fucking equipment And they're like singing songs on the subway I was like what the hell's going on and then uh So I talked to the guy and he's like he was pretty pissed for a good reason and

I Was like I'm sorry. There was a misunderstanding The next day I went to go see him and he goes and he goes I want to show you the damages or whatever because he wanted me he wanted me to pay for all the damages so I go there and This guy and this place was fucked It was fucked it was I'm not even gonna lie like there were these floors were sticky There was a bucket of throw up Like in the corner dude it but didn't look like regular throw up like it looked like I'm not even kidding when I say this

It looked like someone like you know in the movies when someone gets their like stomach cut open and like there's just like blood and Intestines that's exactly what it looked like in this bucket. I was like, I don't even know what that is sir I Don't I don't know because it was just gross I was like, I don't know what that is but that is bad And I am sorry and it was like shit everywhere the guy was actually kind of cool about it But he was like hey listen, I need a cleaning crew to come in here like whatever Actually didn't want to give him money

So I was like hey can me and my friends come in here and just clean the whole fucking place and that'll be it and he was like no He's like whatever so I gave him. I think it was like 400 bucks But yeah, at least I didn't get Like suit or something. I don't even know what could happen in that situation But yeah, man, the guy got his money cleaned it up probably and it was nice But I'm never doing that shit again. So my friends this year were like hey Joe. What are we doing this year? I was like, I don't know act someone else because I'm not fucking doing that again It was a it was a disaster. I was hammered. I needed to never I that was the last time I was like

Super drunk, I don't even remember the last time I was that drunk. I couldn't move my feet. I was like shuffling. It was nuts Hi god, I'm probably just gonna go to one of my friend's house and just Watch the ball drop that was like what my friend Frankie That's his house on New Year's was the first place that I had ever been drunk or drank and And We thought we were mad cool because we were like stealing

Mike's hard lemonade's out of the fucking cooler in the backyard and drinking them in his room. I Was like dude, I'm so I don't know what my throat is so dry right now I need a fucking cup of water or something, but whatever. We'll fight through this Yeah, we used to drink a bunch of my card Mike's hard lemonade, which I don't if you guys don't know what that is is basically the tiniest bit of alcohol and then like Tastes like lemonade It literally just tastes like lemonade. You would have to drink about 14 to get drunk I think I drank like six and I was like, oh

That was a fucking blackout We woke up like looking at you like oh dude, don't remember anything. This is so cool It's like one of those dare commercials. Oh dude, I don't remember anything Let's get wasted again and let's put your pressure this fucking nerd into drinking too. Hey nerd Want a beer? But yeah, so I'll probably just go there and You know keep it keep it classy this year, maybe you're not Passed out by 1215

Because that's as far as I made it the ball dropped I had I hosted this party the ball dropped smoked a cigar Out I left before one o'clock and one of my friends that I haven't that I hadn't seen in a long time Was like dude, I'm coming around one o'clock. I'm coming to see you blah blah blah He showed up. I wasn't there. He was pissed about that Well, yeah, that's uh, that's a new year's but let's let's try to Keep it safe this year, you know Cuz shoot is dangerous

There we're on Facebook checking this shit out. What's going on? Look at what is this man? Dude, I go on Facebook. I see the dumbest shit this shit says You can actually use eyeshadow to make your hair look thicker. What? No, you can't What is the eyeshadow? I shadow I'm assuming is the stuff that goes like on your eyelid To make it look like a shadow. I don't know But these makeups kind of insane man I saw this one tutorial on Facebook. The chick wasn't even putting first of all those those con

Contour or contour. I don't I don't know rainy couture. Whatever. They are the those videos are like so weird It's nuts because these girls they take this Cream it looks like brown toothpaste and they put it like on their face It looks like they look like a Someone painted their face as a lion I like a fair and then all something get a brush and they start brushing it all in and it comes out like their makeup comes out Perfect, and I'm like what the fuck I don't know but

I've seen I saw a video like those videos are weird and whatever, you know, whatever you're into girls God bless. I know some girls love love doing their makeup. So, you know, whatever But it's the thing That is over the line and over the top you cross the line. You're over the top Is when girls use makeup like on their tits like I saw like a Video on Facebook of this girl giving a tutorial on how to make your tits look bigger with makeup And she's like drawing on cleavage and then with and then putting the brown toothpaste everywhere and then Brushing it and it looks like she's got

Fucking double D tits and in the beginning of the video. She's like I am a bee But I can make myself a double D and then she starts drawing. I'm like what the hell Like why do that? That's so weird you bump into someone. They're gonna be like, oh what the someone shit on my shoulder You don't want that It's weird man. That's that's weird shit. Why I don't understand that Like why I I don't know it's not fair. It's not fair because if dudes are ugly We're ugly. We don't have makeup. I mean, I'm sure you could wear makeup, but Everybody did why the fuck you weren't wake makeup. It was weird, bro

But girls got it. I remember one time I got a pimple and my sister's like just put this stuff on it And she put it on the pimple. It shit was gone It wasn't gone, but it was like it was like cover conceal. She was cover up. I don't know Some weird shit. Oh God But yeah What is this Guys also very random I want to go to a gun range

Just in case you know Just in case that I need to use a gun because I took the other day actually I was driving and I told my girlfriend. I'm like, I think I'm gonna get a gun Which first of all you can't just get a gun in New York City It's like impossible, but I was like, I think I'm gonna get a gun and she was like why and I'm like for protection She's like from what and I'm like, well, you know if ISIS comes and invades To us I need to know learn how to shoot Like joking around but I was dead serious. I like did it dead serious and she looked at me like

Like I just told her that the British were coming she was like I'm like relax. It was fucking kidding. Jesus Christ. It's fine. I just I'm kidding around. I Don't want to get a gun at all. That's a lot of responsibility. That's like getting a kid Except, you know a gun doesn't shit itself, but it's like still like a lot of responsibility Gotta like not kill with it Which is like, you know That's the biggest thing, but I do want to get a gun and also because Like walking dead is a big thing and if zombies are real

I Always said if I had to go out if I had to pick the way I've no I know it's like the last a minute of this podcast Has been all over the fucking place, and I'm sorry, but if I had to pick out any way to die It's in a zombie apocalypse. I would love nothing more to be on my roof with a ton of ammunition and a bunch of different guns snipers turrets fucking rocket launchers Machine guns handguns a sword ninja stars

What other weapons are there a grenade? I don't know whatever it is. I would love nothing more to just be on my roof and just leveling people just laying them out one by one just fucking Like I would love that and then eventually they break into my house because they didn't board up One of the windows hard enough, you know, I walked away. I'm like two boards. It's good enough But like I really needed four and I just walked away and then some zombie walked over and just ripped it off the door Ripped it off and just got into my house, and then eventually I start fighting them when I'm shooting down the stairs

They're coming And I'm just shooting I just spit everywhere and I'm just shooting down the stairs and then eventually they climb up the side of the house I don't have enough ammunition. I'm out of bullets, and then they get me they eat my neck They pull my at my stomach and my intestines just rip and I die like that that would be best-case scenario, and I'm not kidding I'm dead serious if I could pick that would be it because that would be fun shooting zombies And like yeah, so one of my friends asked me like well if I got bitten I was a zombie. Would you shoot me immediately? Yes? Yes immediately. I wouldn't even let you turn into a zombie

Like I wouldn't even wait for it to happen. I wouldn't be like well Maybe that one didn't have that I would just shoot you you know I gotta survive man You can't be a Hold me back someone bites you on your neck or on your arm. You get a bullet in the face. That's it. I gotta save me I Snap answered like would you I was like yes if you're about to ask me if I would shoot you 100% right in the face, you know Even if they didn't get bit I might just start shooting people I don't know I don't trust anyone in an apocalypse people want to steal my stuff You know I got a I got a jug of water known as such a jug of water

You should just start laying people out because eventually they're gonna get thirsty and then what's gonna happen? They're gonna drink your water, and then you're gonna die of thirst So you level those people you take everyone out, and then you're just a lone wolf on your roof Just fucking shooting rocket launchers into the street taking out 30 at a time. I've planned this all out guys telling you I Walking dead makes no fucking sense to me by the way that movie because that movie that show because there's no fast Zombies on that show. How do you die? How are you getting caught? Unless you're me with this bum-ass knee that I have and I'm fucking limping around like a 90-year-old man up and down these stairs

How do you get caught even with this knee? I can make it away from these people. They're walking at two miles an hour That's like if all old people We're gonna eat you like you know you can't Fucking get away from old people They they can't move fast Just get away like I don't say everyone's like oh we gotta go they're coming dude They're they're walking slowly Relax no one's sprinting

It's not like in in Call of Duty they had the zombies map the zombie mode whatever you'd like You survive against waves of zombies some were slow and some like were sprinting and those are scary Because if a fucking zombie is sprinting at me, I'm just gonna freeze up and I'm gonna be dead immediately But these ones and walking dead. I've never seen any of them not even a light jog. They're all just shuffling their feet Like they got a robot Walking out to get the newspaper on a Sunday morning. They're all just like walking real slow. How do you die from that? You have to suck like oh, let's get in this building and

just wait Like what are you waiting for? Although they could be waiting for something. I don't watch the fucking show, but I don't understand. What are you waiting for? Just keep going get the fuck out of there You know Or just get on the roof Or break into a gun shop and take all the ammunition all the guns sit on top of a roof

And everyone gets a corner and you just start leveling whoever comes you start picking them off one by one So I got there's three over here bang bang bang. You're done And then you just wait for more to come you kill them too That's it It's easy stuff and made a whole show about it. I Don't I don't really watch it. There's someone on here is pissed Someone's listening going this boat the show fucking rocks, bro, and you're fucking eat it, bro You don't even know what you're talking about your ignorant and a piece of shit

Probably but To me it's done if you die from a slow walking zombie You suck you do I Watched one episode they were like in the middle of the woods in like some small house What how can that be a good idea? How can you go? There's a zombie apocalypse? They're walking around they can like smell us So let's get in a little cabin and Hope for the best. No, I want to be on my feet

I want to be running if I see them I just run the other way I could speed walk away, and they can't really catch me You know But yeah, I don't know man Show makes no fucking sense to me But you know whatever I just watched Jessica Jones. That's a good show Wow my voice cracked again guys, I'm getting younger I gotta shut off this lava lamp because it's making me like crazy. It's making my voice crack this lava lamp Yeah, Jessica Jones and daredevil on Netflix great shows great shows watch those

Yeah, this was random, I'm sorry, I'm switching gears again but On my Facebook. I'm on the Facebook page that I have set up I Posted a picture of my family and we're all like wearing suits and these these crazy sweaters and I wrote Christmas It was a success this year hashtag fucking white people, right? and For some reason when I posted it it says Joe Sanagato with

Nick Valenero who I don't know who the fuck that is but It tagged him in the post and I can't untag him So like he must be so confused Like he's like who is this kid? Just tagged me. I don't even know who this guy is. I just randomly it randomly did it. I didn't do it I don't even know how to tag people in pictures on Facebook, but it posted this guy and he's like what the fuck

I'm not in this picture But it was so weird Yeah, I don't know what the fuck's going on I'll have a video out tomorrow Not really sure what's gonna be about but I'll figure it out, you know, I always figure it out except last week I had a ton of shit to do But yeah guys I'll have a video out tomorrow If you guys are interested in sports at all I do run a sports podcast with

Three of my friends is called veterans minimum. It's on iTunes and SoundCloud So go check it out. That is if you're into sports. It's called the veterans minimum Also my podcast. I don't know. It's off iTunes. It's off iTunes now. I Couldn't think of why it got taken off. I think it's because in the description of Some of the podcasts I wrote like oh we talk I talk about this this and other shit And I think you can't curse there and that's why they took me off So that so that I went back and I changed all of it and I don't know if I'm gonna get back on but I'm gonna have to

Talk to a bunch of people. I don't know if I explained this on the last podcast, but fuck. Yeah, it sucks But yeah That's it guys Also, I'm on snapchat heavy now guys. So if you got Snapchat follow me on snapchat. It's just at Joe Sanagato Yeah, and that's all and as always thanks for listening your motherfuckers