The Basement Yard - Peeing While Skydiving

Episode Date: March 1, 2016

I'm talking about my birthday, skydiving, the Oscars, & more Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Welcome back to the basement yard. It's February 29th 8 p.m. 8 30 p.m. Cuz I'm a fucking piece of shit forgot Forgot what day it was forgot that I had to do this. So I'm doing it now I don't post them until 9 o'clock anyway, so I'm in the clear. So don't be mad But that's not why we're here. Let's talk some shit. Let's talk about life. All right. I'm 24 now. There we go Thank you. Thank you very much closer to death getting closer to death every day Um, that's depressing. Anyway, I am 24 now halfway to 48 one-fourth dead if I live a long life But my birthday was nice. I got a nice cake. It was an ice cream cake Because I refused to eat any other type of cake on my birthday

Always ice cream cake the shit had a big Oreo in the middle of it. So I was like, oh dope diabetes It's gonna be dope after I finish this cake The day before my birthday I went indoor skydiving with my girlfriend and it was fucking it was nuts, man It was crazy like it just puts it in perspective like I mean, I was just like floating in this chamber Because was it it what it is is like you go to this place and in the middle is like this big fucking tube thing and There's a jet engine at the bottom and it just blows a hundred fifty mile per hour winds at you And you float and some guys in there trying to hold on to you trying to make you like not look dumb in there I was a little nervous beforehand and I was afraid that I was gonna like

Like get out there and just pee was just gonna fly out of my suit like out of my pants At the bottom of my pants piss was gonna fly out. I just fly to the top of this fucking thing But once I jumped in there, I was totally fine, but I was a little nervous beforehand. I'll be honest But it's a lot of fun man. I recommend it honestly. It's not that expensive. It's a cool experience You know if you're too much of a bitch to actually do the real thing like I am then this is a cool thing to do Because it's not scary at all But they like give you like lessons on What to do and what not to do beforehand and you have to sign a waiver just in case so, you know

The the net gives out and everyone goes down hits the fan gets chopped up You know just in case but yeah, I knew it's funny because on the waiver They were so adamant about shoulder injuries and like, you know Dislocations and stuff like that. So they kept mentioning the shoulder like the person right before you go in So I ask you about your shoulder the the waiver acts about the shoulder and I had recently got had a shoulder injury What in the gym? I talked about it where I was pressing and I went to go scratch my nose on my fucking shoulder like a dick head And my arm went backwards and like the weight just fucking. I don't know. It's like tore something in my arm I think I dislocated it. I'm not even sure but it still hurts to this day

But yeah, they kept they kept asking about shoulder injuries and I just lied I was like, I'm good solid I'm cool and my girlfriend was pissed. She's like, you know, you should tell someone. What if you get hurt? What if the wind what if you get sucked into the wind because that you're like, you know, she was worried but Yeah, I didn't want to tell someone that I had a shoulder injury because I Didn't I thought what if they don't let me do it? I didn't I didn't drive out here to not do it. I wanted to fucking do it So I lied and I was just like, yeah, I'm good, but it didn't bother me. So I was chilling anyway But you know, it all worked out and we were pretty good at it

Cuz it's tough. I thought you just like go out there and it's a no-brainer and you just you know, just fucking Float like how hard is it to float? But dude floating stuff Jesus and these instructors are like nasty at it don't want back flips and shit I'm over there struggling just to stay afloat But we were pretty good at it There was two people in my group that were fucking garbage They sucked they there was this one lady who was just bouncing around she was just bouncing around because like if you Even move a little like if your leg kicks out your body just like goes into a spin or like flips you or some shit

Like there's a person in there at all times like holding on to you and making sure you're good to go But there was no saving this lady. She was fucking rolling She was trying to get out on her like she was like crawling on the ground the wind like pushing her it was hilarious And it was all like video. It was so good, man. It was cool though a Lot of people like were asking me if it's hard to breathe and it's not you can breathe totally fine But you have to tense up your whole body. It's like a plank It really is like a plank in a way because you have to like fight the wind and thank God

I've been doing plank since I was tired man The flights that I did were two minutes long or you could do like one minute flights or something like that but the flights I did were two minutes and I remember being in the chamber or whatever and Looking at the clock because they have a clock, you know there so when you're facing a certain angle you could see it and It's it said like a minute and ten left and I was like Cuz like you can't give up in the middle of it because you can't if you like put your arms down You're just gonna fucking bounce all over the goddamn

Chamber tube whatever the fuck you want to call it shit is crazy. It's actually it's pretty intense though It's like you're staying at this door, and then you just like lean in and you get blown up It's kind of awesome, and they also like on your last flight. They have this dude come in and and he grabs hold of your suit and just like Spins you all the way to the top and then back down and all the way up and back down like three times and You're I don't know how far it is like I'm awful at judging like height, but I think it's like

like Three or four stories or four three to five stories something that it was pretty high and I remember thinking like holy shit I'm really high right now, and Then I started thinking people jump out of fucking planes at like insane heights No fucking way I Would have to be Severely drunk to be like yeah sure. Let's let's go do that shit. There's no way

There's no way dude. I can't the plane the flight alone like you ever see videos of those Fucking planes that they jump out of they're made of like paper mache. They're fucking Finish it. They're tiny people are like squished in the back Dude fucking in fucking nuts and the people in the army God bless those fucking brave souls Because that's out of control also Because they're in those big-ass planes and there's like 40 of them and it's the middle of the night You can't see a goddamn thing and the back of the plane opens up and they're just like yeah Fuck it and they just jump out the back and then they fucking parachute down

And then they shoot guns at people who are shooting them. That's that's fucking out of control There's nothing like more insane than that. There's not that's that is the most insane thing and If at any point in my life, I start to feel like I'm tough or cool I Just think about that and I've realized I'm a little bitch and piece of shit, you know, that's it But yeah, then skydiving was fucking crazy. I kind of recommend it if you're too much of a bitch to do the real thing like I am Then do that, you know, I just don't think we were meant to skydive, you know what I mean?

I don't think you know God or whoever you believe in Created the world Tom Cruise whoever the fuck. I don't know who's making this shit, but whoever you know, whoever made it I don't think they designed it like oh, you know, I feel like if God came back and was like and Saw people skydiving. He'd be like, what the fuck are you? What are you doing? I? Put you down on the ground for a reason you have cars and you're doing this for fun. You could die You know you could die, right? Fucking idiots Yeah, I just feel like we're not we're not meant to do that like

Dude, I don't know man. It's just out of control I've heard so many stories because God forbid if I'm skydiving and something went wrong wrong even for a second My heart would stop and I would die attached to this guy. We would both hit the ground and I would already be dead Now that would be how I would go Because it's terrifying like I'm not I don't know if I'm afraid of heights like I'm definitely not a fan You know what I mean? Like I wouldn't follow on Twitter or anything like I'm not a fan, but I Just I'm not I'm not terrified, but skydiving dude. Are you fucking kidding me? You want me to jump out of a plane? I don't even like looking out of the fucking window when I'm sitting

Comfortably in a seat not comfortably, but you know what I mean But yeah, it's crazy like people like dude, just do you only you're only free falling for like 30 seconds Yeah, and then you pull the parachute now. I'm floating from the fucking highest Point are you fucking joking? Oh God, and I saw a video recently of this couple. They went parachuting whatever they're free falling and a plane Almost hit almost hits them look it up on YouTube. It was like near miss skydiving some shit They almost get hit by a fucking plane that they you know the little fucking piece it. I'm cursing so much right now. I'm sorry

I'm not sorry. Fuck you Do you know the little parachute thing that comes out the back and not the parachute it's like one that's already out It's like the little tiny thing and like helps with like balance. I think or speed or whatever I don't know. I'm making shit up right now, but the plane hit that it hit that thing So if they had their parachute open this plane's fucking dragging these people God knows where and they're both dead and The and the woman had no idea until they landed and the guy told them and they're like oh dude. That was sick We almost fucking died. Yeah, you fucking nut job. Are you kidding me? Yeah, sick. You almost died dope dope, dude That was a cool fucking wedding gift or whatever the fuck it was

But yeah, anyway Oscars were yesterday Here's the segue the Oscars were yesterday didn't catch the beginning of it because I was at the next game I Got hooked up with these Nick's tickets. They were sick tickets We were in the 100s in the garden They played the heat and got smacked no surprise there the next lineup is fucking awful I honestly think if I was on the next like I

Don't know I feel like I would blend in like that's how bad they are and I'm not even like that good anymore I haven't played basketball in years, but I think I could blend in on the next. That's how bad their lineup is It's crazy, man. Thank God for like mellow and poor zingus That's it. That's all we got to look forward to but anyway so we got these tickets and The guy that I got him from told me that I had access to the Madison Suites Right, so I thought we were gonna be in a suite and I'm not gonna complain because

You know the tickets that we had were Tremendous anyway, but I thought we had access to the suite So I go to the suites and I see the one that we're supposed to be in that I thought we were supposed to be in and I'm like no way because it's one of those suites were like you walk in and it looks Like a living room. There's like a kitchen a personal bathroom. There's food. There's drinks. Everything's free And then there's seats in the front. You know what I mean? I was like, are you care? Are we about to do this right now and Though I we walk up and the lady goes. Oh, no, these aren't these aren't these aren't the fuck you're not supposed to be here and

You know, I think if you were dressed a little nicer like we weren't dressed like bums, but We definitely looked like we don't belong in a suite at all Which is cool, but I'm thinking I'm trying to like think of a plan to just walk into a suite and Kind of just act like I'm supposed to be there like what if like at halftime I went back up to the suites and found an empty one and just went in like What is anyone gonna say really? I'm like, no, no, no, this is mine. Thank you very much. Thank you Let me see your ticket. I don't have it on me. Listen, I pay a lot of money for these suites Don't harass me right now. Just act like a rich person and say something like that. I'm really not I'm not trying to

Disrespect you. I don't want to I'm being harassed. I don't want to have to call your supervisor to you know Give them that whole fucking thing until they walk away and Just enjoy the free shit But yeah, the next game is cool, but I caught the end of the Oscars and I saw Leonardo DiCaprio finally won which was cool, but I was really happy for him. I was more excited that Alejandro I can't pronounce his last name. He's the director of The Revenant and he did burn man also, but that guy's phenomenal, man I'm like, I like, you know, I actually know my shit when it comes to actors and directors and stuff like that

Um because my friend Frankie really introduced me to it because he's super into it. This kid has like four different I am I am BD apps on his phone and he knows everything about everyone for whatever reason Um, so I kind of know my shit, but that guy I'm a huge fan of Alejandro in a retour or have I don't know I'm butchering his name But um, yeah, he's great man that movie was crazy The Revenant if you haven't seen it I thought it was a great movie. Some people didn't like it, but I'm just like a cinematography Fan like I like the way certain things are shot and they shot the whole movie

In natural light and just it was absurd man, but it was cool um But it was so funny to look at twitter and see these people talking about the oscars because people expect the oscars to be the VMAs where it's like these celebrities that are Trend not trendy. What's the word man? I can't even but just like, you know really famous people Who are usually like music artists like, you know, chris brown and drake and rihanna and You know Kanye west and whatever Like the vma's they're all there and they perform and like

You know, it's more pop culturey And the oscars is you know, not that at all It's like a prestigious suit and tie type of thing And it's boring and it's just you know, whatever So people are like, oh man, this this year's oscars sucks Dude, they're all the same. They're all bad. The oscars aren't like fun to watch And you have no what twitter has no idea who anyone is all people tweeted about was

Leonardo DiCaprio because that's the only person that they know who's fucking there They're like, yeah, it was I don't know Because there's I mean, there's all those categories in the oscars. You're like, what the fuck is this? It's like the most descriptive award It's like, oh best documentary by a foreign Man who wears hats and then there's like these movies that you've never seen before And someone wins and he gets up there and he says some shit and you're like, what the fuck is this guy doing?

Is it a ton of those? um Ow I just burned my fucking foot on my heater God damn it that hurt Yeah, but anyway, uh What the fuck house happened? Oh, I was fucking I gotta chill the hell out because I've been drinking a lot lately and I'm like I don't know man. I've slowed down my drinking a lot like two years ago in the summer. It was a problem

It wasn't a problem. I'm fucking around but like I was drinking a lot And it was gross and I got fat And just like just not fat, but just like sloppy. You know what I mean? You know when your body just starts to look like it's like melting a little you're like, uh, dude, what the fuck? So But yeah, these past couple of days I've been drinking a lot because it's like my birthday week and people are like, oh, let's go out Let's watch the game. Let's do this. Let's do that Uh, we went to this bar

in Manhattan, um stumbling and they have a Beer pong table there and when we first got there my friend was like, oh dude, I'm gonna hop on this Do you want to play with me? I have next I was like, yeah, sure why not? We didn't fucking lose a game. We were there the entire time I didn't even like I didn't do anything else We got there

I bought a beer And then we got on the beer pong table and stayed stayed there until like I don't know 2 a.m We got there like 11 and we just played all these games. I was fucking ripped I was hammered and I was dancing. I probably look like an asshole I was like dancing and taking these beer pong shots. I don't even know how I was making them because I don't even like It's a blur honestly

I just felt like shit Dude, and you ever like the way you feel the next day after drinking beer is is insane I feel like terrible And just I have to shit like every four minutes when I wake up Like it never fails if I go out drinking and I drink beer When I wake up, I have a four minute window to get to the bathroom and You know, I barely make it every single time

It's gross It's so bad But yeah, we stayed at that place. We went to some other place um calico jacks uh in the city and um That place was terrible. I went there and It was weird. It was like Hawaiian night or some shit all the bartenders were wearing those grass skirts and like Hawaiian tops

And I had like two sips of a beer and I was like, I'm gonna fall asleep dude It's 3 30 now and I went home and uh fell asleep and uh It was fucking terrible So I'm gonna stop drinking from now on and then we had the nixie in the next day and I and I drank I bought a jack and coke for fucking 17 dollars at the garden Um wanted to throw up after the first sip, but I was like, I can't let this go to waste. What am I gonna do with it?

Um, so I just drank it Which is like a dumb thing to do, but that's what I did And that's what I did But I'm done. I gotta chill the fuck out. Um I was I was in the gym today and I was like sweating and I'm like Is that bud light? What the fuck? I can even just smell it all the time You know, it just comes through your fucking pores Certain things just do that like chinese food. I don't eat chinese food

I'm the only fucking new yorker new yorker that doesn't like Chinese food hate it I think it's gross love rice the rest of that greasy shit. No way not putting that in my body Because like I don't know what it is with me if I eat Really greasy food and like gross Stuff. I'm just like Just diarrhea. It's automatic. It's just My body can turn it into water

This is very graphic Um That's so bad. Why am I saying that? But that's the truth. I don't eat it Um, but chinese food is one of those things you eat that it'll come out of your pores like three days later You'll be like, oh my god, that's egg rolls. I know it is. It's disgusting But you know, I'm cleaning up my act because my son is coming on sunday Yep, I'm a father this sunday. Um the next time I record a podcast. I will have a dog Um my charlie. He's coming on sunday. You got to pick him up from the airport. Um, but uh,

Yeah, the last podcast that I did I talked about the dog or whatever and how I had to clean up the basement I repainted and everything someone comes in on it and was like you don't clean And paint for your girl, but you do it for the dog I'm like Like yeah, I'm gonna clean and paint for the fucking dog My girlfriend's not gonna come in here and eat like some shit she finds on the ground and die That's why I got to clean For the dog. It's not about fucking whatever

I just thought that was mad funny It's like, oh, you're gonna clean for the dog. Why not your girl? How do you know I don't clean for her? I definitely will not paint walls for her though. No way. I hate it, man. Oh god. I hate it so much She helped me out though. She's a saint. She's a saint for that Let me tell you because I would I was losing my mind that day I really was and I had to drink to get through it That was another time that I drank. See I just been just being a piece of garbage lately. I gotta chill the fuck out Um, now that's getting warm too. I'm gonna start running again start putting that into my regimen

Plus I gotta walk my dogs keep them nice and healthy You know, maybe do a little jog with them um That'd be sick. I want to have like a really athletic dog I want to be I want to have airbud. You know, I'm just gonna throw him footballs all day And like, you know, take him to the park and make him shoot free throws He's gonna be like an he's got to be like an 80 percent He's got to be 80 from the line my dog. Like honestly, I have all these plans. I hope I I hope I don't just talk shit

And say that I'm gonna have the coolest dog ever and then just don't teach him any cool shit No, I'm gonna be a good dad. I'm gonna teach him everything. I'm gonna bring him to dog parks So he likes dogs the dog that I have now. He hates dogs chase. Oh my god. He hates them You bring him around dogs. He's like say stay away. Stay the fuck away um, he likes humans but Charlie He's gonna get along with dogs. Just fine

Me and charlie. Anyway, that's all I got. Um Yeah, that's it man. I'm just updating you. Uh next week I'll have a dog and I'll let him talk on the podcast get him his own microphone And uh, we'll check that out. Also, if you guys like sports Uh, I run a sports podcast with a couple of my friends. It's called veterans minimum It's on itunes and soundcloud. So go check that out Also, I'm on a podcast called invasion of privacy that I do with a female comedian named kate wolf And that is also a lot of fun. So go check that shit out

And uh, as always, thanks for listening you motherfuckers