The Bechdel Cast - Love Actually with Debra DiGiovanni

Episode Date: December 22, 2016

Actually, Caitlin, Jamie, and guest Debra DiGiovanni actually discuss Love Actually's noticeable lack of actual female relationships, among its other barf pile-inducing qualities. (This episode contains spoilers)Follow @DebraDiGiovanni on Twitter! While you're there, you should also follow @BechdelCast, @caitlindurante and @hamburgerphone   Learn more about your ad-choices at https://www.iheartpodcastnetwork.comSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Daphne Caruana Galizia was a Maltese investigative journalist who on October 16th 2017 was assassinated. Crooks Everywhere unearthed the plot to murder a one-woman WikiLeaks. She exposed the culture of crime and corruption that were turning her beloved country into a mafia state. Listen to Crooks Everywhere on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. To listen to new episodes one week early and 100% ad-free, subscribe to the iHeart True Crime Plus channel, available exclusively on Apple Podcasts. Kay hasn't heard from her sister in seven years. I have a proposal for you. Come up here and document my project.

All you need to do is record everything like you always do. What was that? That was live audio of a woman's nightmare. Can Kay trust her sister? Or is history repeating itself? There's nothing dangerous about what you're doing. They're just dreams. Dream Sequence is a new horror thriller

from Blumhouse Television, iHeartRadio, and Realm. Listen to Dream Sequence on the iHeartRadio app, They're just dreams. Confessions. Join hosts Gabe Gonzalez and Chris Patterson Rosso as they explore queer sex, cruising, relationships, and culture in the new iHeart podcast, Sniffy's Cruising Confessions. Sniffy's Cruising Confessions will broaden minds and help you pursue your true goals. You can listen to Sniffy's Cruising Confessions, sponsored by Gilead, now on the iHeartRadio app or wherever you get your podcasts. New episodes every Thursday. On the Bechdelcast, the questions asked if movies have women in them. Are all their discussions just boyfriends and husbands or do they have individualism? The patriarchy's effing vast. Start changing it with the Bechdelcast. Hi, welcome to the Bechdelcast. My name is Jamie Loftus. My name is Caitlin Durante.

And this is... Okay, Caitlin, let me answer it today. We are two dope queens. Oh, no! Oh, crap! We fucked up. It's okay. Let's stop. No, this is great. This is gold. We're keeping it.

Our podcast is about the portrayal of female characters in movies. That's true, and that's why we call it the Bechtel Test test we just had a long discussion if we should keep introducing what the bechdel test is and we decided no no we're we're done aristotle are the the man of the operation he's usually just tied to his chair but he also does an amazing job we took the ball gag out of his mouth. Right. Well, he made a suggestion. He gets to say one sentence every time we see him.

Yes. And he made the great recommendation that if you don't know what it is, just go back to the first episode and listen. And in the time it took me to say that, we could have just told you what it was. Well, nobody's perfect. It's almost Christmas. It is. It's a Mike's Hard Lemonade day for me and Jamie.

I've had a really Christmassy day. Is Mike's Hard Lemonade a Christmassy drink? No, this is a coping mechanism. I see, yes. But, I spent all day chasing around mall Santas for my job, and none of them wanted to talk to me except South Central

Santa, who really gave me a lot of things I need to think about. That's great. No, it's a disgrace. Like, what am I doing with my life and my time? You know? It sounds like you're doing very interesting things. Who else today in America or anywhere in the world had to chase down? Being compensated to chase down all Santas.

I think you're the only one. Well, here's my Mike's hard lemonade to that reality cheers without much further ado I say

we introduce our wonderful guest hey let's do it she is a comedian and a very wonderful person oh she's the best I'm so happy

she's here me too oh yeah we love you so much Debra D. Giovanni yay hi girls how are you?

We're good. Good. Okay, what is your job? What do you, what? So I write for a news outlet called Inverse. Okay. And I'm their, like, only West Coast writer. They let me sort of do whatever, and they were like,

Jamie, we think it'd be really fun if you talked to a lot of mall Santas. And I wasn't anticipating so many hoops to jump through to talk to malls. Like I, I, Santa red tape. There's a ton. They don't want to talk to you. I left my apartment at eight this morning and I went to Glendale.

Both the Santa said, fuck off. No, I went to South central. That Santa would talk to me. I went to the Grove. They said, fuck off.

I knew the Grove would say, fuck off. Like, come on. They all even offered me like a really went to the Grove. They said, fuck off. I knew the Grove would say fuck off. Like, come on. They even offered me like a really embarrassing consolation prize. They're like, you can take a picture with the gingerbread man. I was like, now you guys fuck off. And then I tried to hit up two Beverly Hills Santas who were assholes. Get out.

And then I have to go to Santa Monica after this. Oh, my. The fat person's also going to be an asshole. He's like, I'm going to drive all that way, and he's going to tell me to fuck off. Yeah. 100%. Oh, trouble is, like, malls are always in these, like, elitist neighborhoods, and they're, like, these rich.

It's true. It's true. Yeah. Malls are a nightmare. They're going to be total dicks. It's true. Well. But the South Central Santa was nice to you, right?

He was awesome. Yeah. If you're listening to this, maybe check it out. It'll be on InFirst.com. And I had a great conversation with him. He's the first black mall Santa ever. Yeah. Yeah.

That's awesome. Yeah. Nice. So anyways. Anyways, that's what our podcast is about now. Santa. Hard left. No, we're here to talk about the movie Love Actually.

Oh, no. Oh, God. I feel like we're going to get in the movie Love Actually. Oh, no. Oh, God. I feel like we're going to get in trouble or something, don't you? Yeah. Oh, people love this movie like crazy. They really do. This was my first time watching it. Okay.

I have avoided it. I don't know why I've avoided it, but I have. Because it's a piece of shit that makes me want to puke. That being said, I used to love this movie. Me too. I remember the first time watching it and going, I love this movie. And on every successive watch, I hate it more and more. It gets weirder.

I was trying to put myself in like, what if I watched this when it came out? And I think I would have loved it. I love a good ensemble. I love a good ensemble. I love vignettes. Love it. But what year was it done? I didn't even check that.

Okay, so a long time ago. But I have no excuse. I was not young. Do you know what I mean? I feel like I was 11. No, no, I wasn't. I was a grown woman. It was recent enough

that it's like, I was like, were things that different 13 years ago? That's what I mean. It's not like if it was 1983, we could give it a bit of a pass. Yeah. But now, no.

Sorry. It was too recent for it to be this bad. Oh, my God. I had a lot of problems, but I was also sort of horny at the home. Which is the offset of it. It's confusing. It is. Okay, how do we launch into this with our rage against this movie?

Yeah, this is a tough one. We usually start by doing just a very brief overview of the story, of which there are around 10. A trillion. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. So, yeah, this movie is full of just little micro stories. It's a bunch of vignettes. But they sort of tie it together.

They're all connected. Yeah, a wedding in very flimsy ways. Poorly, poorly connected in the most unbelievable ways. But you can tell whenever this was mapped out in a room, there was just a bunch of dudes jerking off like, it's all connected.

They high-fived so hard after this. They did what we make Emma Thompson and Hugh Grant, brother and sister sister but never mention it until the very end i mean come on come on some chronicles of narnia shit yeah no and then i was like at the end i was like was that supposed to be a twist like and they're like look at this big reveal it's like no one gives a shit it's like oh this was bad. So each of these storylines depicts like a separate relationship because this movie is about love. Love actually.

It's even like mansplaining in the title. Isn't it? Actually. If it was called actually, love actually. Right? Ugh, gross. So each of these stories, they're all so dumb. And they're focusing on a specific relationship.

Most of them romantic, but not all of them. The first one we see is Bill Nighy, whose name is Billy Mac. He's trying to make a comeback as a musician. His manager is his friend. So there's that storyline. They're friends. Now, we love Bill Nighy. We've always said this before. We do. We we forgive you and we love you all the same because he is

bill nighy's made a lot of missteps oh god bless him but you still love him though he's gotta work oh yeah we yeah he's terrific all the time um yeah he's in the worst movie i've ever seen which is i frankenstein starring aaron eck He's the villain, and it looks like he was not briefed on what the movie's about. He's sinister, and then he leaves. But he plays a gargoyle overlord. I wonder if he knew that. He's also the weird octopus villain from Pirates of the Caribbean. Oh, yeah, he is.

I forgot about that, too. Okay, because I was wondering, did he and Keira Knightley already know each other because of the whole octopus guy thing? But maybe not. I think this movie came first. Oh, yeah, yeah. Okay. So they were like, oh, love actually on the set of Parties at the Caribbean 2. Cool.

Another storyline, we get Colin Firth's character, who's Jamie, I want to say. Yep. Cousin Jamie. Cousin Jamie. Oh, yeah. I hate Uncle Jamie. He falls in love with a Portuguese woman no I'm sorry

we're not talking Portuguese people but we'll get to it in a second he gets cuckolded by his brother so that's another storyline Liam Neeson is sad about his dead wife. And then he has a stepson who is in love with a girl at school.

Yeah, I've never hated a child more than that child. Oh, my God. Insufferable. Sorry. Yep, go on. Next storyline is Emma Thompson. I forget her character's name. Yep, me too.

She is in a relationship with Alan Rickman. Oh, may he rest. I know, RIP. Oh, God. His assistant throws herself at him and then he kind of strays a little bit. That's the storyline. There's the ugly

guy who wants to bang the American ladies. Colin, I think is his name. Yeah, yeah. Colin. Colin. There's the porn standings. Oh, my God. I almost blocked that part out. Oh, God.

And that's such a shame because we love him. Martin Freeman, yes. We love him. Freeman's great. I feel like this was the very beginning and he really needed the money for this. Let's give him the benefit of the doubt. Absolutely. But that said, I feel like I could have written that storyline in a ninth grade short story.

Wouldn't it be wild if... And then you get expelled from school. Right, right. And then I make actually love. Okay. I'm getting a call. Hey, it's from home because it's the holidays. Oh, mumsy.

We don't celebrate the holidays. Oh, okay. We're very atheist. Okay. Then we have the walking dead guy, and he's in love with Keira Knightley. Yep. Even though she's married to- His best friend. His best friend.

Yeah, but then it's still like, isn't this romantic? Like, this is horrible. No, it's going to be disgusting. And perverted. Oh, God. Yeah. That video, I can't even- I know.

I know. Okay, there's more stories. There's twoverted. Oh, God. Yeah. That video, I can't even. I know. I know. Okay, there's more stories. There's two more. Okay, go on. There's the prime minister. Oh, God. I mean, perfect casting. How could Hugh Grant not be playing the prime minister?

It was great. And he falls in love with, I don't know if she's an intern or a maid. She gets tea. That's what we know. She brings him biscuits, but also sometimes important files. I don't know if she's an intern or a major. She gets tea. That's what we know. She brings in biscuits, but also sometimes important files. I don't know. It's confusing. We've all had that job.

And finally, Laura Linney, who's in love with, I don't know if he's Italian. I'm not sure. He's hot. He is hot. And his name is Carl. A hot foreign man named Carl. You couldn't even have given us a Carlos at the very least. But no.

Carlo. No. Carl. Carl. They all have so many letters to work with. Yeah, that's it. So those are the, you know, nine different storylines. Hubris.

That's what I think about this. But let's lead with the concept of an ensemble movie is so great, but I feel like it so rarely works out. I think it's tough. I think it's tough. Because this is huge. This is a whole bunch. All the British stars are in this. It's some Gary Marshall shit.

Yeah, seriously. It's wild. Yeah, yeah. It's tricky. And again, the vignettes, also tricky. And there's a lot. There's too many. It's just nine or ten.

It's a lot to try to interweave. Yes, five is probably great. And then they would weave them a little more. Yes, yeah. But this is. So now, okay. Basically, I think you get by now that we really hate this movie.

I do not. I think that is, you know, you've picked up on that unless you're, you know, troubled. But the movie itself is, you know,

every single one, it's just deplorable. It's awful. But then when you go back, because I knew, like right away, I was like, oh, this is going to be fun

to talk about because it's so awful. But then when you actually focus on the female characters, it made it, oh, this is going to be fun to talk about because it's so awful. But then when you actually focus on the female characters, it made it like double horrible. I literally felt sick for a moment when you really go back and just figure out every... So let's start from the beginning and just talk about the women, how they're portrayed in this. It's so awful. Number one.

Okay, so, well, there's no female characters in the Bill Nye storyline. No, okay. The next one is Colin Firth and Aurelia. Yeah. First of all, he is cuckolded by his brother and his wife, right? Yeah. But I have just the thing that drives me insane.

I already, even just, you know, everyone we call cuck, and that's a new word in our life now. I find it interesting that men even just get a word, everyone we call cuck, and that's a new word in our life now. I find it interesting that men even just get a word for when they're cheated on. Do women get a word for when we're cheated on? It's women! No, we don't. Basically. He was cuckolded, and women, it's like,

it's a part of life. Like, that's basically, do you know what I mean? It's just so gross. Boys get a special word because they were cuckolded. But no, we just live with it. I want to be a cuck. You know what I mean? Yeah.

Please. Call me a cuck. Please, exactly. You're such a cuck, Jamie. Right? Right? Fine, I know. You know?

That is interesting. It's just, that's always irked me that it's like, oh, dudes get a word for, anyway, whatever. They're special. Yeah. They're special. And God forbid a man be cheated on. Oh, no. So he gets cheated on right away and then goes to his cottage or something.

Yeah. And there's the cleaning woman, I guess, the maid. Who is she? And she doesn't speak a word of English. But they manage to fall in love anyway. Deeply on a level where none of us have experienced in our lives yet. You know? Right.

But they don't speak the same language at all. Which is me neither. I didn't like it at all. The synopsis that I have in front of me describes it as in spite of the fact that neither of them speak the same language, their personalities are similar. What does that mean?

Yeah. That's the problem. Because there are so many different storylines and so many characters, there's not enough time to develop any one character. Yeah, fair enough. Characters are underdeveloped. And then just the depiction of love and romantic love and relationships is very glossed over because everything that's portrayed is very surface

level. And usually the characters' relationships are based on like a physical attraction rather than. So like, yeah, they were hot for each other. That would have been fair. Like if they would have just like, you know what I mean? It would just been a hot weekend of passion. Fine.

Great. I think we all would have accepted that and been like, all right. But no, no. But then they get married. He proposes to her. I was like, if that had just ended with like, he learns some Portuguese and asks her out. Yeah. I would have been like, that's actually really nice.

Yes. Very sweet. Or he finds the will to love again and then just moves on with his life. Great. No longer a cuck. Exactly. Yeah. Because this story takes place over the course of five weeks.

Yeah. So in that time, he manages to write a novel. Yeah, because it only takes five weeks, guys. Learn Portuguese. I don't know if you know this. Fall in love and propose marriage. That's not too bad for a cuck. I was just going to say.

That's a pretty efficient work for a cuck. Wow. And you know what? We love Colin Firth. You know, lovely. He always, you know, he's great. Love him. But this is, you know, they're just too quick.

You know, the whole thing is no one gets to stretch their legs. No one gets to really, you know, be worthwhile in any capacity in this movie. I prefer his stuttering king. Yeah. Exactly. Exactly. The scene that really drives me nuts in this storyline is where all of his papers fly into the little pond and she just strips yes down for no reason and jumps in the

water yeah and it like the way the camera like lingers on her body and pans up and down it's very gross yeah but the thing i kept trying to put my head in like, what if I saw this when it came out? Because I would have been 11 when this came out. Oh my, did I not say 11? You did. I was like, it's good. Amazing. I think that if I had seen that scene, you know, when you're younger, I would have interpreted

like, oh, so that's what you do if someone's papers fall in the water. A veritable stranger's papers. I would have taken it as gospel. The next time someone drops something, I'm just going to strip nude. Which is gross. And the way it was

like the way that they panner body, I'm just like, oh, come on. Would you have to save your maid's outfit from getting wet? I mean, seriously? I would maybe take off my shoes and my watch, but other than that, you keep everything. Or like, he could get it.

Yes, exactly. And he can be, yeah, he can type on a laptop and save it to our laptops. And what I really hated, I hated the, when they go to her family's restaurant, and then the way they pit the other sister against her.

And she's the gross sister. I hated it so much. It was just – I found that part just like, oh, is this the comic relief part where there's an unattractive one that should marry for – oh, it's just – I made notes of all the times that women are reduced to nothing more than either how attractive they are or what they look like. Oh, my God. And there are dozens of them. Oh, of course. Yeah.

There's one instance in this storyline where Aurelia's father is talking to her sister. Yeah. And he calls her, like, Miss Dunkin' Donuts 2013. Yeah. Or 2003. Yeah. Because she's a heavier woman. Yeah.

And it's just, like. That's like a Donald Trump comment. Absolutely. That's so frustrating. And there's tons of those. Your father would never speak to you like that. I'm sorry. There's no way. Anyway.

Also, Natalie, who is the love interest of the prime minister, her father also calls her tubby or something like that. Yeah, plumpy. Yeah, that's her nickname. And if that woman is fat, like, sign me up. Like, are you kidding me? There is nothing fat about her. She's a perfect hourglass. She's a babe.

She's gorgeous. And they talk about her thighs the entire time. Yeah, another character. Anyway. Yeah. Yeah, disgusting. So that happens a lot. Yeah, that happens a lot.

Women are just like, oh. They're either, like, objectified or, like, deeply disappointed. Women are just like, oh. They're either like objectified or like deeply disappointed. Those are the two things that happen. That's all they get. That's all they get. Yeah, yeah. Okay, what's the next one after Uncle Jamie? Liam Neeson slash his stepson.

Yeah. You know, I will say the only, okay, there was only two scenes in this entire movie still that made me kind of go, okay. Three. In the beginning when they're at the funeral, and he plays her favorite song, and that's still the only part that I was like, ooh. And that's just, that's a lovely, but that's it. But that is all.

And then Liam turns into a pitiful excuse of a man and doesn't know how to relate to a child, which I guess I understand. But the whole thing is just, it's just contrived and awful. And that child, oh, God. Oh, God, yeah. He's just, oh, he's awful. Yeah. And how old was he supposed to be?

Was he, like? 11? Yeah. And madly in love with, I think, a girl much older than him, she seemed. She did seem, but she was supposed to be in the story was his age. Out of his league. And that's, yeah, exactly. Supposed to be 11, and she was, like, 17. Easy. Right. There's no way. And just super duper out of his league. In the story was his age. Out of his league. And that's, yeah, exactly. Supposed to be 11 and she was like 17.

Easy. Right. There's no way. And just super duper out of his league. Whatever. Developed. Yeah, very much. And really beautiful.

And then learning the drums. The whole thing is about him trying to snag a girl even though he never even just spoke to her. Yeah. Never even. Even at that young age, it was like he never even. You could say the same thing for Uncle even at that young age, like it was like, he never even You could say the same thing for Uncle Jamie too though, because like him learning Portuguese

is the adult equivalent of that. Learning the drums, yeah, yeah, yeah. Which, again, he was able to do in two weeks. It was all it takes to learn the drums, guys. Rosetta Stone, baby. I can't believe none of us have written a novel or learned to play the drums while we've been talking. Like I'm disgusted with us.

I'm pissed. Come on, girls. Where's our self-discipline? Take it up a notch. Take it up a notch. Maybe it's like in The Matrix when you can just plug in and learn how to fly a helicopter. But in 2003, it would be like a floppy disk. It would be too big.

I found a bunch of floppy disks in my house when I was visiting home the most recent time. I was like, we'll just never know. There's a line of dialogue. I also wrote down my favorite lines of dialogue. Oh, yay. So as Liam Neeson is lamenting about his dead wife, Emma Thompson says to him, He starts crying. How are they related again?

It doesn't specify. Okay, friends, apparently. They're friends, yeah. Okay. He starts crying, and she says, get a grip, people hate sissies. No one is going to shag you if you cry all the time. Which is like, what?

Wow, another good message for the kids. Yeah, he's like pouring his heart out to her. Her response is just like to perpetuate this like idea of like toxic masculinity. But I think that's supposed to be like a funny moment. Yes, it is. I think so. But like, it's just like, I'll only fuck a man if he's crying. That's my policy.

I'll give you something to cry about. My vagina. Sex with me. Yeah. It's'll give you something to cry about. My vagina. Sex with me. You know what I mean? Yeah, it's like, do you want to cry? Have sex with me one time. Promised tears.

Crying men only. But even the word sissy, it's like, really? It's 1955 suddenly. It's just, yeah, it's archaic and ridiculous yeah anyway i i forgot about that like i glossed over that like i'm i don't even think i even heard that it is yeah yeah yeah it's just like yeah because and his wife is barely cold and

dead in the ground you mean like it's been 20 minutes and they're like you should be fucking already what jesus give him a minute you know anyway and that's another very male thing of like It's been 20 minutes. And they're like, you should be fucking already. What? Jesus. Give him a minute, you know? Anyway. And that's another very male thing of like, you got to get back on. Exactly. Man up. Or like women, they're like, wear black for a year. Yeah, exactly.

You have to cover your face with a veil. So, okay. Are we saying that the whole movie is five weeks? Because that's fair. All right. So then at the end, too, of his vignette, he meets Claudia Schiffer. Of course he does. Yes, because that makes perfect sense.

Because she's the mother of the beautiful daughter. No, she's just a random kid. She's somebody just bumping into someone. Maybe the teacher or something. So then at five weeks of mourning the loss of his wife, he's ready for Claudia Schiffer.

He's ready to fuck a supermodel. Yeah, sure. I mean, I guess. Who knew? Who wouldn't be? Let's be honest, you know? Anyway. Oh, Jesus.

So there's that nonsense. Yeah. The next. We're only on two, by the way. Really? I think, yeah. Unbelievable. Okay.

The next one is Emma Thompson, who's, again, I don't remember her name. Okay, me neither, but I will say, again, we'll do a little, you know, I love Emma Thompson usually. Can. Thank you. And we love, of course, Alan Rickman as well. Of course. This one, their scene is repugnant as well, but at the same time, I don't know.

Just because I like the both of them, they felt the least disgusting to me. But I mean, you know, his story is, of course, the beautiful young chippy at the office. She's just, like, so slutty, it's ridiculous. Like, it's just the kind of behavior that, like, at the office,

really? With the sitting with the legs apart, the skirt pulled up. It's like, whoa! I mean, it's just ridiculous. That reminded me of Margot Robbie in Wolf of Wall Street. Oh, yeah. Yeah, and also, what's

the movie with Sharon? Basic Instinct. Yes, yes. I mean, ridiculous. And this is at the office. Okay, the whole story is that, you know, obviously he's been married to Emma Thompson for a while. They have children. You know, they're a regular couple. And then he is tempted by this young hot girl.

This psychopath. I was going to say, who will clearly go through your trash and never leave you alone. But he falls, you know, he likes it. But nothing happens between the two of them. He buys her a present that should have been for, you know, she thinks it's, the wife thinks it's for her. It's not. It's jewelry. And he, then he gets her Joni Mitchell CDs, which let's be honest, you know, whatever.

It kind of sucks. But, so nothing, but he, but he does think about it, obviously. And that's enough for her. Now, I'm going to say this. Now, this is really, like, you don't go to therapy or try to work it out? He thinks of another woman and you're done? Yes or no? Are we, like, that seems to be a bit impetuous. I mean, yes.

Okay. That was a mental, emotional cheat. But, I would maybe, we have kids, I would maybe think about it. Do you know what I mean? I would go for some therapy and then figure it out. No? Yes? Am I wrong on that one? No, I think she has an appropriate reaction

just to be upset when she discovers it. But then, yeah, she pretty readily just dismisses it. Oh, yeah. I mean, she's broken. And I will say, again, Emma Thompson is a fabulous crier. She just is. She's a good crier. And the scene where she goes and cries in the bedroom and then comes back and she's like, all right, let's go to the

pageant. Fine. I felt that. Me too. I did feel that too because she's a really good crier. Yeah, she is. But, yeah, I get it. Yes, you'd be heartbroken because you know what your husband's thinking and doing, but I would have gone to therapy after all those years of marriage. Right. Give it a try.

All of these characters need therapy. Oh, my God. Yes. A therapist, if they moved into that family, would make a killing. A killing. But I don't know. Especially because Emma Thompson's character is introduced as being so set in her ways. And this is the life path she's chosen and she's sticking to it. It seems almost out of character about the very little we know about her that she would just be like, you know what?

Fuck the past however many years of my life. Right. Exactly. She's so big into her family. And she's this wonderful mother and she takes care of everything and then she's like, we're done, I'm done. I feel like she would do what my mom did which is just be like, you will obey me now. I'm in charge

and you have a very short leash now. If I'm the cuck, you're my slave. That's it. That's it. And they also portray her as that sort of pitiful type, sort of, oh, and she's let herself go. I don't know.

They just really gave her kind of like a schleppy type vibe. The whole thing is like, and you know, we love Alan Rickman, but like, what? It's not like he's out of her league. They are equally matched. That is, you know, it's not like he's out of her league. Yes, you know what I mean? Like, they are equally matched. That is, you know, it's not at all, like, shocking.

And they just make it so, like, she's, you know, whatever, deserves to be cheated on or something. I don't know. There's a scene where Mia, the young assistant that's in love with him, that's throwing herself at him, takes off all of her clothes and is just, like, in a red bra and underwear and she struts along.

And it's like, why is this in the movie? What? And I, for a second, I guess you could argue that it serves to contrast, because in the scene, the shot right before that, you see Emma Thompson having taken off her dress. That's exactly what I

thought of too. And she's in a full slip. That's evil. Why? What bothers me about that is guess what? Mia, by the way, Earth, is also going to age at some point and she

will one day be Emma Thompson. So just get the fuck over yourself, men. Anyway. Oh, I got angry there for a second. I thought I'm all right. No, this is allowed. We're allowed to be angry. Does she not also answer the door in the same bra? Am I wrong?

Or is she wearing a top when she answers the door? I think she's wearing a top. Okay, okay. I just feel like she's in that red bra the entire time. But we often see her very shantily. She's got one of those cartoon character closets where it's just a row of red bras. That's all she's done. Einstein of red bras. I thought she's the Einstein of red bras. I thought she was the intro to Doug or something.

Totally. Anyway. Yeah. Professor's name. What's his name? Alan Rickman. Yes. R.I.P.

Yeah. My mom loves this, like, storyline. And I'm like, what happened? Why? And you're like, oh, mom. But she, like, feels so much for Emma Thompson's character. But as you mentioned, there was sort of an emotional infidelity that happened.

And that would, don't get me wrong, that would suck. Yeah, that would happen. But if you're married to someone else, you still find yourself attracted to other people. Yeah.

And this wasn't like a boyfriend. This was her husband for decades. Absolutely. And again, we're not whatever to each zone, how you think about it, but you're right. Men, and of course women too, but men have a tendency to have a wandering

eye a little bit more, because they're way more visual than women are. And so yeah, you look at the hot girl at the office. Okay. I mean, I guess the buying of the gift means something. He does act on it. He does. And also, really, I mean, I guess and she, young, slutty, sexy

Mia, she's going for a man like 30 years her senior. Really? Yeah, like, what's the motivation? I mean, come on. Isn't it the same office that Carl works at? I mean, just go for Carl. Like, what the hell, right? Yeah, the whole time I was just sort of like, you know, all due respect to Ellen Richman. Yeah, exactly.

But come on. I know. Anyway. We all have erratic taste, but it just seems a little weird. That's the problem with almost every storyline in this movie is that the characters' personalities aren't established, so you have no idea why anyone likes anyone else. Absolutely. So we're basing it on age and looks. That's all we're doing.

Right, right. I forgot a line of dialogue that I wrote down that is just, oh, what a gem. He's telling his assistant or whatever, Mia, to plan a Christmas party, and he says as one of the things to do, advise the girls to avoid Kevin

if they want their breasts unfondled. Which, the implications of that are he is the boss and he knowingly has an employee who sexually assaults women and his advice is just to stay away from him. Just don't keep your breasts away from this guy.

What? That's so disgusting. That is really disgusting. Wow. I think that his secretary, she has to change her panties every five minutes or something. She's just like the horniest woman alive. From all orifices.

She's just gooping everywhere. I totally forgot that line. That is wow. I don't know if I even ever noticed it until this recent. Me neither! But I know that that's... Wow. Yeah. It's just like a throwaway line, but it's like, wait a minute. Who the fuck is Kevin? You're condoning

sexual assault, you shitty fucking asshole. Yeah. Anyway, next storyline. Next one. Colin, god of sex, wants to go to America to Wisconsin. This is my most hated vignette. This is so Carpoon-ish. I hate this one so much.

It's really dumb. Alright gang, let's get into it. Okay, first of all, you at the beginning called him ugly and it's so true because he's got like, God bless, he's got... Well, he calls himself ugly. And his friend calls him ugly. He is one of those eyes with too much space. Do you know what I'm saying?

It's like the eyes on a bit of a fish. It's like an uncanny valley kind of face. It's on the opposite. And you know what? Whatever. I mean, please, I know what I look like. But this boy, this is a little unfortunate. Of course, what saves him, of course, in this whole thing is the British accent.

And that's the only part that's clever in this whole thing is the fact that he's a British accent. And then American women go crazy for him. Now, this is – we sometimes do this. I'm not going to lie. We have moments where we do this because there is something about a British accent that is so adorable. And it's wrong and I feel stupid for saying it. But it's true. It's true.

They have cute – and their words and their – that's the only part about the whole scene, his whole storyline that is actually like, okay, remotely clever. When they're asking him to name things, what do you call this? And it's, yeah, yeah, yeah. Exactly. It's all, right? That's cute. That was cute. But of course then he goes to America because he says, and where does he go?

Idaho or something? Wisconsin. Wisconsin. Okay. So he shows up and he just walks into a diner of some sort and then meets those three women who, like, they hurt my soul. Like, I just, it was January Jones! Their depiction of Americans in this movie. Oh my god, that was January Jones.

That was January Jones. Yeah, oh my gosh, yeah. And then the other, the Canadian girl, what's her name? Is that Alicia? Yeah, Cuthbert. Cuthbert? Yeah. And then, of course, the girl from American Pie. Oh, Elizabeth. Yeah, Shannon. Yeah. Yeah, right? And there was one more. We don't meet her until later, though. girl from American Pie. Oh, Elizabeth. Yeah, Shannon.

Yeah. Right? And there was one more. We don't meet her until later, though. There was one more. Oh, yes. And then that other one, the third girl who I can, I don't know her name. Yeah.

Anyway, all hot, gorgeous girls. And the way they portray them is just ridiculous. So cartoonish. It's just, it is. It's absolutely ridiculous. I think they're all wearing cowboy hats, aren't they? They're like, oh. It's like someone Googles American woman. Yeah, exactly. Wisconsin's absolutely ridiculous. I think they're all wearing cowboy hats, aren't they? They're like, oh. It's like someone Googles American woman.

And it's ridiculous. Yeah, it's so stupid. And I think it's meant to be. Sure, they want to balance certain storylines out. Some of them are going to be more comical. Some of them are going to be more emotionally heavy. This is a goofy one. Yeah, but it's like, oh, God, try harder.

I don't know. Yeah, please. It's just not. Just even their backstory. They all live together. And they're naked. And they share one room. Because they can't afford pajamas.

Yeah, oh, no. It's so gross. And they all sleep in one bed. I was like waiting for a pillow fight. Oh, absolutely. I was just like, fuck this. Like they accidentally sprayed each other with ketchup or something. Right. Oh, my top. And it's just so, like, cue. Absolutely. Like they accidentally sprayed each other with ketchup or something. And it's just, oh, my top.

And it's just it's so like cue the music like a 1970s porn should have happened immediately because it was just ridiculous. What I thought was going to happen with this would be like that sort of and it's hacky and terrible, too, but it would have been less offensive if like he shows up and there's two slutty chicks and one one is not like the others, and she's like, I don't fall for your... And I was waiting for her to come. She never does.

No, she doesn't show up. She doesn't exist. No, she doesn't. It just gets worse. Where's the girl unlike the other girls? Who just immediately kisses him. And it's just like she walks in, she's just like...

Because that's what Americans do, by the way. I don't know if you know that. They immediately kiss you on the mouth. I mean, it's just... It's a custom. It's the way. I don't know if you know that. They immediately kiss you on the mouth. I mean, it's just... It's a custom. It's absolutely ridiculous. It's just... And the whole, like, they're back,

they're all roommates, and they sleep together, and it's just, like, who taught you about women who ever wrote this scene? Like, it is just... It is some 13-year-old boy's fantasy, and they put it onto film.

I can't wait to talk about the director of this movie. God bless. I did some Googling, and I'm pissed! Anyways, we'll get there. Yeah. He can't wait to talk about the director of this movie because I did some Googling. Anyways, we'll get there. He wrote it too, writer and director. Oh, he's an auteur.

I did fall for that though whenever I was a younger person and I was living in New York City and there was a British guy at a bar and he's like, hello. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Hello.

It's Australian. Yeah. We had a little bit of a romance based entirely on the fact that he was British. Yes. Not that attractive. If he was that guy. It makes them adorable. That's the thing.

If he was an American accent, he would have been repulsive. Once a British Navy man offered me MDMA, and I was so close to taking it. And he looked like a foot, but I was like, maybe. I didn't know. We're suckers. It's awful, but it's true. The next one is the porn stand-ins, which, first of all, I want to see a porn that has high production value enough that they hire stand-ins. I know.

Where's that porn? It's not on Pornhub.com, my website of choice. That tends to be a full-service job. So it's Martin Freeman and a character whose name is just Judy, as she's credited in the On IMDb. I guess like the gimmick here is that they're shy and they're afraid to like ask each other out

even though they're like miming fellatio on each other and stuff. And they're naked. Like she's fully naked. Yeah, yeah, yeah. She's like bouncing on his like dick at one point.

Yeah. But they're too shy to actually ask each other for coffee. And oh, haha. Yeah, I know. Again, just another, this is supposed to be one of the funny ones.

And it's just... Wait! Yeah. Just the position. And that's all it is. That's the whole thing. That's the whole scene. Every scene we see them

in a more graphic sexual position and them talking about the books they've read. Yeah, not even. They talk about traffic at one point. I don't even know. Again, another instance. And they fall madly in love.

But I do wonder, I look to this and I'm like, oh, this probably took them, what, two days to film? Yeah. They probably made a lot of money in two days. Yeah, I know. That's why you had Martin to pass.

I was going to say, you can't get mad at anyone here because this is a paycheck. It's always a paycheck. Right. But hopefully you saved that money and you can be more discriminating from now on. What I'm learning from this movie is that the people you fall in love with are just the ones who are near you. Oh, my God.

Oh, it's totally a proximity game. Yeah. Yeah, absolutely. It's all about it. Absolutely. Was this before online dating, I guess? I'm in love with you, Jamie. Oh, my God.

Because we're always in the same room. Everyone loves Aristotle. Everyone loves Aristotle. Everyone loves Aristotle. We're all in love with Aristotle. We can't. Oh, man. Was this before? I guess this is way before online dating.

Of course it is. It's 2003. Well, I think it existed. Like in its infancy, maybe. But there was no swiping at this point. I think it was still like there was a stigma around it. Yeah. Yeah.

Yes. For sure. It was a weirdo in the basement. I remember. Yeah. Wait, do I have to move my car there was a stigma around it. Yes, in MASH.com, but you were a weirdo in the basement. I remember, yeah. Wait, do I have to move my car? What's happening? Okay. Oh, yeah, you drive a Prius. You know how to drive a Prius. Yay.

Drama. Sure, let me get my keys. Sorry, guys. Exciting. Oh, my gosh. More drama than love, actually. This is actually way more exciting than the entire movie. What's going to happen to the car? Jingle, jingle.

Oh, my gosh. There they are. I love looking behind the scenes. Oh, okay. I get it. See, we're real people. Still real people. She drives a Prius.

She's got to move it. We're just like you. Just like everybody else. Oh, what do we talk about now that Aristotle's gone? We can say anything we want. Oh, my God. I love Aristotle pretty much. Oh, maybe this is just a rude. Maybe he doesn't. My car doesn't have to move. Maybe he just has to want. Oh my god. Oh, maybe this is just a rude...

Maybe he doesn't... My car doesn't have to move. Maybe he just has to poop. Oh. What if he took your keys to go and poop? In my car? That's pretty elaborate. No, not even if he pooped in my car.

No, I think he went to poop in the bathroom with the cricket. That's a good cover. I'm not going to lie. It's a good one. It's a good cover. It could take you a long time. I mean, seriously to lie. It's a good one. It's a good cover. It could take you a long time. I mean, seriously. Wow.

Wow. Wow. What a journey. I'll use that one one time. I really will. Love, actually? Do we have anything else to say about that? No.

The terrible one? No, that one's awful. Yeah, I don't think I had any other notes on that one. Who do we have left? We have Mark, I think is his character's name, the guy from Walking Dead. Oh, this is like the iconic one. Who doesn't speak? How many words does he say in the whole movie?

He's a peeping Tom. Yeah, he is. He's a pervert. I know that this one, they're trying to make this one so romantic. And it's supposed to be like, it's not. It's just creepy. SNL parodied it like this week i'm just like fuck off like their uh their parody because that scene became so iconic

somehow where he's like it's a ripoff of say anything basically oh yeah but it's also a ripoff of you know subterranean homesick blues basically that's what that is that's bob dylan with uh it's a bob dylan video where he just stands and drops. Oh. Yeah. And does his whole song and it's, you know. So early 70s.

I bet Richard Curtis, the director, was like, it's homage, but I'm just like, you're a lazy garbage man. The whole thing, it's Keira Knightley

and her lovely husband and we see them, it's at the wedding and we find out that Walking Dead is best friends and he's also taken the wedding video and then she goes to see it and the most exciting thing about this whole scene

is that she mentions banoffee pie. Have you had banoffee pie? No, I didn't know what that was. Sweet God, it's caramel banana pie, everybody. Look into it, get into it. That's the only, that's what I have to tell you from this whole movie banoffee pie is the shit my stomach just flipped

where do you get it it's so romantic there was a little place in the grove actually called simple things it's called simple things it's in the it does fabulous sandwiches.

But they used to do a banoffee pie there that, oh, my God, a friend took me. And it's one of those ones that I had like three years ago. And I still think about it sometimes. Wow. Do you know what I mean? One of those where you're just like, oh, my God. But yeah. Anyway, so that's the highlight of that scene.

Okay. I will remember that. My favorite part of the entire movie is when they play Titanic. And it's just the other movie happening in this movie. Because I love Titanic. Because that's the best. I can't. I just want to cry.

Why haven't we done Titanic yet? Oh, God. I know. We've got to do Titanic. Because I feel like that would be a three-hour special. Oh, my God. So many things to say about that. I'm like about to start crying thinking about it.

It's beautiful. Dude, my favorite part of, quick titanic sidebar sure i have read the script to titanic oh my god like the way james cameron wrote it yeah and he is a pervert there's a scene the the sex scene in the car i remember because i read it when i was like 13 i was like what it says like and this is so like romance novel, he says, Jack gets on top of Rose and she flourishes under his welcome weight. I was like, oh! Whoa. What?

Flourishes under his welcome weight. I was like, who's ever flourished under someone's welcome weight? Oh, no. That sounds like your first day at Weight Watchers. Here's my welcome weight. It's just so creepy. That's welcome weight. Oh, no. That sounds like your first day at Weight Watchers. Here's my welcome weight. It's just so creepy. That's so gross. Oh, I love that little.

See, we never would have known that, but now we got it. No, I might be the only person besides James Cameron who knows. Oh, no. Oh, yuck. That's gross. That's gross. It's gross. Anyway.

Anyway, back to love action. Okay. Okay, so what do you have to say about this one? Because this is a, you know. Well, number one. So they show him being really mean to her. Yes. He pretends like he doesn't like her.

Yeah. Yeah. And it, I'll get into that in a second. It's like hell of a tacky shit. Like, come on. Yeah. It's, oh God. Yeah.

Their, their wedding and Laura Linney's there. Cause guess what guys? They're all connected. Oh yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And she sees him like staring at them dance, like the married couple dancing. wedding and Laura Lenny's there because guess what guys they're all connected oh yeah yeah yeah and she sees him like staring at them dance like the married couple dancing and she's like do you

love him and he's like what she's like you know I just thought maybe you might love him I just wanted to ask a question and he's like oh absolutely not no way no way in hell gross no and it's like okay with your homophobic take it easy yeah well he was

the lovely husband being dismissive of the fact that he might be okay with your homophobia. Take it easy. Wait, who are they talking about? No, him. The lovely husband. Very being dismissive of the fact that he might be that she was suggesting that he was in love with her husband. Oh yeah, because it's 2003. It's gross. Queer eyes. I don't like gay people.

So there's a few other instances of some subtle homophobia throughout. I sort of assumed that that would be the case for any 2003 movie. I feel like these are the waning years where people make gay jokes in mainstream films. And it's like, this is funny. We cap out and I now pronounce you Chuck and Larry. Two hour long gay joke. It always bugged me that there was no depiction of a gay

romantic storyline there's so many characters statistically there would be yeah absolutely but we don't see that so he's being very dismissive that someone suggests that he might be gay

horrified I feel like that is more like this, like he loves his best friend's wife, is more of a cheat than Alan Rickman even buying a present for. That's true. I didn't think about that. And I would be like, we're not friends anymore. I mean, he is obsessed over his best friend's wife. Right.

And the way she reacts to seeing that is absurd because she, like, granted, she, like, extends an olive branch and is like, oh, let's be friends. But it doesn't seem like she is attracted to him. But she kisses him. Right. After he does that weird creepy thing. After he does the whole thing, he shows up at the door and says, you know, I'll always love you. And then she runs out and she's like this is you know because you missed out so she gives him

a pity kiss but it's still like honestly it's still more and she's just been married they're like they're like three weeks married you guys are fucked but like I god I had such a sexist thought when I saw that scene where like when Keira Knightley kisses him I'm like you bitch you just want the attention

that's the only but that's the only thing I can think of because they don't like she doesn't seem to particularly Where like when Keira Knightley kisses him, I'm like, you bitch, you just want the attention. But that's the only thing I can think of because they don't like she doesn't seem to particularly. She's like, I want to be friends with my husband's friend. Even though I know he's declared. I know. Wouldn't you be like, no, wouldn't you be like, no, stop and then go away. Okay. Maybe I'm stupid, but I would go in and I would say to my husband, your best friend just totally hit on me and told me that he loves me.

And I would tell. I wouldn't keep that quiet. Your best friend took a scary video of me. On our wedding day, I think we paid him to do the video. He only took footage of me. And then all she says is, oh, I look very pretty. Okay. First of all, take it down a notch, Knightley. Do you know what I'm saying?

Calm down, yeah. But I don't know. I don't know if other women would keep that quiet, but I would be like... I would be. I would. Would you keep it quiet or would you tell your husband? No, I would tell. I would totally tell my husband. I want to put that scene on YouTube with a horror movie playing over it

and be like, that would be scary for me if I'm like, oh, this guy. Fast forward three years later, he rapes her. Like, there's no way. Right. Okay, maybe that was a jump. That was a jump. She's dead somewhere. Somewhere, maybe that was a jump. That was a jump. She's dead somewhere. Somewhere. And he is a suspect.

That's all we know. And don't kiss that man. No. Because now he's never going to let it go. I know. I just think the kiss was super, super unnecessary. Right. Well, the way his love for her is depicted like also extremely cartoonishly represented because he loves her so much like like why why why number one number two if when he knows that his best

friend is marrying her he needs to work on himself and get yes yes he needs to do something about it. The fact that he just allows himself to keep loving her in a creeping way, absolutely. Is borderline insane. He's insane. Again, we know that they're trying to make this this big romantic, unrequited love, and it's like, no, it's really

not. It's weird, and you're right, he's a grown man. Get over it. Seek some therapy and find yourself your own girl. And if he can't get over right he's a grown man get over it you know seek some therapy and and find yourself your own girl and if i can't get over it yeah then stop hanging out with them yeah exactly move like i just i tried to contextualize this with anyone i'd ever dated friend yeah and i just like i would tell someone right away i would be so freaked out like and i oh god i i and this is what's so damaging, and I feel like it results in all these creepy love moves

from men in real life, is that this is like, oh, that's what I do. This is how you do it. Exactly, yeah. And then someone sends you a creepy mixtape about your feet, and you're just like, what the fuck is this? And they're like, oh, I thought you'd like it. No I don't like it. It's about my feet.

That's just a little slice of my own life. I knew it was. There's no way it's not. Too specific. Pull it out of thin air. Oh my god. I do love that scene though. I love that scene where like he

runs outside and he's like blowing off the steam because she just discovered that he loves her. And like, I think it's an Enya song or something. And it's so the music is so dated. And he's just like, he keeps like spinning around. He's like, do I go back? Do I? And he's like stomps around and then like, oh, God, it's so dumb. I just was like, who can relate with this? Just like, yeah, I don't know. It's it's rare. god, it's so dumb. I just, I was like, who can relate with this?

Just like, I don't know. Yeah, I don't know. It's ridiculous. Well, the other thing that shows how insane, like the fact that he just treats her like absolute garbage. Yes. Because he loves her. If you're watching,

if young boys are watching this, they don't have a chance. So, okay, so you like a girl, so treat her like garbage to hide your feelings and lie to your best friend and then follow her and spy on her. It's just the whole thing is weird. The whole thing is weird. It's like, oh, I hope young men aren't watching this. Or young women, to be honest. We need to get rid of this movie. God, I kept putting myself in, like, if I watched that scene, too. I was like, now I want a man to do this for me.

I want him to spin around to end. And that's the thing. Probably at 11, you would have, like, seriously. At 11 years old, you might think to yourself, he loves me so much. And it's so deluded and creepy. I used to watch a ton of these movies. I loved Matthew McConaughey when I was younger. Like the wedding planner was my fave.

Oh, no. And I was like, I want to plan Matthew McConaughey. I was like, this is how it happens. And that's so fucked up. Those who can't wed, plan. Oh, my God. It's so awful. That was a quote.

I'm so sorry. It's so awful. Gross. Okay. What next one? So the next storyline after that is, oh, Hugh Grant is the prime minister. There's so many. And his caterer. It's like not too dissimilar from the secretary thing.

It's just like, oh, you're inferior or whatever. Is that his thing, his niche? First of all, when he dances, is this the one that he dances, right? I wanted to cry. I was so sad for him in this. I was like, really? They make him dance in the office and they're supposed to be cheeky. Loves that scene also?

That's like, but, yeah. But, oh my God. And when you actually watch him dancing, you're like, this is the whitest Most horrible What is like Hugh Grant's What is like something good he's done Like a good movie I don't know, can you think of one honestly Because first of all, I always confuse Colin Firth

And Hugh Grant, I'm like no, but Colin Firth's the good one But you know what though, I think I think he had like, there's an old British movie that apparently he was amazing in And that we all just don't know about it. There has to be. Because, you know, even three weddings and a funeral, it's really not that good. Written by the same guy. Oh, I hate that movie.

Written by the same guy as Love Actually. Oh my God, no wonder. Also, Bridget Jones' Diary. I didn't like that either. I didn't like it either, by the way. And everyone loved that movie. I hated it. And I was just like, I don't see why everyone's going so crazy over that movie.

Never liked it. So I think that's why Hugh Grant is in this movie. It's because it's the same writer. Why he has a career because of this man. Yeah. Seriously, is there anything else? Has he done anything of work? Well, Hugh Grant's most of his career have been, like, rom-coms. Yeah, yeah. Absolutely. Well, he was also in another Richard Curtis movie,

Notting Hill, with Julia Roberts. Which is another weirdly sexist British movie. Never saw it. Oh, no. Never had any interest in seeing that. be Notting Hill yeah Julia Roberts yeah which is another weirdly sexist British movie oh no that's yeah it is yeah um let's see he was in

Bridget Jones oh yeah he's been in every Richard Curtis movie that's basically oh my gosh Richard Curtis

loves him yeah he loves him he was in Cloud Atlas I don't know if he's ever done anything good he was in

Sense and Sensibility the 95 one with Kate Winslet oh that's right that's so that might be an okay one yeah maybe that was his jumping off point but it's like i just don't every time i see him i'm like wait why are you why do we know you yeah why do we know you why are you around like you're not you could usually you could be like oh kian is in shit because he was in the matrix yeah right but like hugh is like what yeah how did you do like we've there's

never been oscar buzz around hugh grant do did you do it? There's never been Oscar buzz around Hugh Grant. Do you know what I mean? That's never happened. It's just British and American women just gobbled him up because we love British accents. Oh, awful. Which British? Is it Colin Firth or Hugh Grant who is in that Amanda Bynes movie

from 2002 called What a Girl Wants? It's Colin Firth. Okay, because I love that movie. I was hoping it was the one that I wanted. Okay, cool. I should watch that movie again. Never saw it. I think we don't watch any of the same types of movies, Jamie.

I've only seen, like, okay movies, and I've seen the jinx eight times. I killed them all, of course. I watched jinx eight times and that's like i killed them all of course i watched it last week and it's like well because that news came out where he released a statement robert durst he was like yeah everything i said in that series i was high on meth i was like well i gotta watch it again and i did and i threw meth eyes i'm going to his trial. Oh, my God. Really? Well, he's, like, being tried in Pasadena. Stop.

In February. And so it's in my calendar. I want to go. Anyone can go. It's a court thing. Oh, my God. Yeah, you can go. Anyone can go. I'm going to get Dunkin' Donuts and go real early.

Yeah. Oh, my God. Oh, gosh. Oh, that's amazing. I think people should follow you around with a camera if you guys want to come though okay I might be into that if you want to come

we can make a day of it right I was like and then we can just like have a chat group but it's hard to not like I wouldn't want to reach out to the wrong person and say do you want to go to Robert Durst's trial with me yeah because he is probably a murderer.

Well, he is a murderer. Absolutely, without a shred of doubt. He killed them all, of course. A murderer. Oh, my God. Anyways, February 15th, if anyone's interested. Ooh, what a romantic time of year. Yes.

I know. God, we can all get horny for Durst. He wears a neck brace now. I saw the pictures, yeah. Yeah. Okay, sorry. That was a hard laugh. Amazing.

What? I saw the pictures, yeah. Okay, sorry. That was a hard laugh. Amazing. So most of the jokes in this storyline, or just mentions of anything, are that she is fat. Yeah, this gorgeous girl is fat. Her boyfriend broke up with her because she's fat. So basically what they're telling everyone in the world is fat women don't deserve love. And again, please just look at her for one minute.

She is not fat. Yeah. It's like she's like the Hollywood. Yeah. Yeah. Really. And then it's, you know, then the whole thing is that, you know, he's the prime minister and she is an underling and, you know, they hook up and that's, I'm pretty sure against

the rules, but I don't know what goes on so well that of all like the like hetero romantic relationships it's almost always

between like a man in like a lot more power and then a subordinate because none of the women is younger subordinate yeah none of the women in this movie

if we even know what their jobs are it's usually a cleaning lady yeah a caterer except for like Laura Linney I think she's the only one that seems to be like and we don't even know what their jobs are, it's usually a cleaning lady, a caterer. Except for like Laura Linney. I think she's the only one that seems to be like... And we don't even know what her job is.

No, we don't. I just assumed that she was on the same level as Carl. It seems. Yeah, that's it. But it's like, what does Carl do? He was like a graphic designer or somebody. I don't know. It was vague. It's weird. Yeah. But yeah, it's a lot.

Like the men, like Alan Rickman is the boss of whatever company that is. There's a male prime minister. Yeah. It's all these men in like positions of power and authority. And then it's a bunch of women who are like homemakers or cleaning ladies or maids. Yeah. Who are let down. Secretaries.

Yeah. And it's another, like I was anticipating so many like super basic rom-com tropes I'm well versed in rom-coms it's weird that I haven't seen this movie but I was expecting with this many storylines there's going to be a Harold and Maude kind of thing they're going to invert it

and there's going to be one younger man but that never happens it's the same thing over and over there could be a lesbian couple why not have that right like let's throw this and like they're but it they had so many opportunities to do it they had like 45 opportunities to do it and they just were like nope it's just gonna be a bunch of straight white people i bet they thought they were abusing each other i bet they thought they were so progressive to have like an interracial marriage. Oh, you know it.

That was another high five. That was another circle jerk. Let's put a white lady who was dieting. He's only going to say three words the entire movie, and he's the cock, and he's the cock. And he will get cheated on. But with a white guy. Absolutely.

Oh, yeah. The one interracial marriage is ruined by a white male psychopath oh god i'm just thinking about the prime minister one again and then of course they bring in the american billy bob thornton am i wrong another sleazy depiction of an american i mean americans are terrible i hate them but not all but if you need to choose someone to depict a sleazy american he is your go-to He is your go-to. He is your go-to. He does the job.

Now, does he not play the president? Am I wrong? Yeah, he does. Okay, so. I didn't appreciate that. Basically, that was foretelling. We didn't know this, but that was basically he's Donald Trump in it. Like, he's basically much more attractive and less stupid and disgusting and horrible.

Let's not go there. I can't. I'm not strong enough right now. I would get reviled if it's blood. I would do it. I can't. I'm not strong enough right now. I would get her a vial of his blood. Do it. Amazing. And he makes a move. He grabs her ass or something.

And then he's, of course, he stands up for her because he loves her. Well, that was enough for Hugh Grant to be like, she shouldn't have a job with me anymore. Because he walked in on, like, oh, God. Yeah, he demotes her or whatever for that reason. As punishment for the president of the United States hitting on you, you are demoted.

Yeah, girl who didn't ask for this was the one being assaulted. But yeah, you get your job taken away. Anyway. If I were her, I would have been like have been like yeah American president fuck me right now I don't care if the prime minister is in the next room if he walks in I'll be like you're next buddy after this we're gonna fuck let's have a threesome

I'm just in control of my sexuality I would be like can I just like escape through a window or like hide under a carpet or call this cia yes the cia that's someone get billy bob thornton away from my body oh my god well i would i mean i would only do that i'm not flourishing under his welcome weight i am not i am not oh my god that

language what a pervert he was still married to what's her name the director of the hurt locker catherine bigelow bigelow oh wow iow. Oh, wow. And I'm like, is this does she flourish under his welcome way? Oh, God. I always hated him. I always hated James Cameron. I do. I really like Terminator. Avatar sucks. And Terminator 2, though. Terminator 2 is a fantastic movie. Okay. And I love

Titanic. Everyone has a good one. And Titanic is good, too. But... Oh, God. But I don't give a fuck. But him as a man, he seems like just like a dork, doesn't he? Just really like dork is his word. he seems like a dork, doesn't he? Just really like dork is his word. Yeah, like a dork who read a lot of fan fiction when he was younger. And now he's like, oh, now I can make hot people do what I want. Yeah.

I mean, he made Avatar. Like, there's no way he didn't write fan fiction. Like, there's no way. Right. I don't like Avatar. Me neither. Okay. Go on.

Next one. How many more do we have? I think we're on 30 down, 30 to go. There's a couple lines of dialogue. I love that you did that. The Prime Minister is talking to one of his staff members

and he's like, oh, you know Natalie who works here and she's like the chubby girl. Yeah, I know. Okay, first of all, she's the one who introduced Natalie to you.

You know what her name is to call her the chubby girl. And then he goes, oh, what do we call her? Chubby? Yeah. And she's like, there's a pretty

sizable ass there, sir. Huge thighs. And it's like, you were talking about someone you work with? To the prime minister, by the way. Is this what you have time to talk about?

Is this your diplomacy? This is what we're doing in the whatever house they live in. This is what we talk about. A fat ass. It's just gross. And it's a woman also tearing down another woman in that way. It's like, really?

In that moment, I was like, was this movie made during Lewinsky era? But it wasn't. It was years after that. There was no reason for it to happen. Yeah. Awful. And then at the very, very end, whenever the prime minister is coming out of the gate at Heathrow,

because, you know, why don't they have an Air Force One equivalent? Anyone, anyone. Why is he just walking out into— Isn't that like when the voiceover starts with— It's like, they talk about Heathrow Airport that happens at the very beginning I don't know if they bring it back but he's like walking

and she like runs and jumps into his arms and he goes oh god you weigh a lot like oh what the fuck her weight is commented on four or five different times he's not a big man he easily

caught her. It's just gross. And also, you're right, they wouldn't have shot her down or at least billy clubbed her down. I mean, seriously, you can just run up to the prison. I mean, come on. Wow. Again, why is he not using a private jet?

Yeah, honestly. Why is he in everyone's? He's at like gate 23. I mean, seriously. Whenever he goes, he knocks on like a hundred different doors. She works for you. You have her tax form somewhere with her address on it.

Also, you're the prime minister. You can figure out where anyone lives. Why did he knock on a hundred doors? It was so stupid. Oh, God. Everything about it. The last storyline is Carl and Laura Linney, which the thing that really bugged me about this is that she puts the needs of another man before her own. That drove me crazy.

And I know it's her brother and stuff. But God, that drove me crazy. Yes, he's mentally ill. Yeah. But he's at a hospital. Yeah. He's cared for. He's not just sitting by himself at home. He's at a hospital with attendants.

And yet she has to be the one to give over her entire life. Yeah. And yes. Okay. Are we awful people? I don't know. Are we? Probably.

No. I mean, you have to fulfill your needs and desires sometimes. There could have been some sort of balance struck because like all this this whole fucking movie is about like women having to sacrifice their dignity or like make extreme compromise to meet like a philandering person and like beyond the middle and so like when you see her do that like she's the only female character who you're like oh she has a job that isn't yeah nine dollars an hour yeah you know and and and then it's like oh nope she's stuck too yeah i was really excited like whenever she starts like making out with this guy who she's been pining over in like a probably kind of creepy way yeah but like we've all done that yeah they don't we that. They don't reveal that she like

spies on him or anything. No, yeah. Sure, everyone in the office knows she has it as a crush, but I think she keeps it together. It's not like a Mark video. No. She's not mean to him. She's like, hi Carl. Good night Carl. Apparently tries to keep it together. It's cute. She actually does it pretty well. It's a cute

crush. But then as soon as they start making out. It's a little heartbreaking. And. But then as soon as they start making out. It's a little heartbreaking. And then she's like, no, my brother's calling even though he's in a hospital and other people are taking care of him. I have to talk to him. I have to choose this moment to talk to him on the phone and not have you inside of me. She's half naked. It's very frustrating.

She's half naked. He's on her. Get Carl inside of you. Exactly. And she's like, I have to take the call now. Let it go. Turn off your ringer. And you know what I mean? Come on. 18 minutes later. go. Turn off your ringer and, you know what I mean?

Come on. 18 minutes later. That's all we gotta do. Do you know what I'm saying? Come on. Just say you were in a tunnel. Yeah. And that's... Get Carl inside of you. Exactly. Carl was in a tunnel. Of love. But yeah, it is just very much just like give over. And is that love really? I mean, that's,

you know, she loves her brother so much that she gives up her own desires. I mean, yeah. I'm going to call vaginas tunnels now. Right? And I will say again, the three things that I enjoyed of this movie is the ending when they're at the airport and everyone, they do the montage with the song and everybody, you know, then they're watching people greet each other at the airport. Literally, probably, I think the only thing that makes you just go then you're watching people greet each other at the airport. Literally, probably, I think the only thing that makes you just go, oh, because it's nice.

It is nice, yeah. Watching people greet each other at the airport is lovely. It is. It is. It is. Coming to running into each other's arms is very sweet. As someone who is almost never greeted at the airport. Ever, never, never in my entire life. And just like smells weird and trudges out and gets a lift.

I'm just sweaty and where's my bag and don't touch me and yeah yeah yeah right like it seems nice i've never ever yeah me too it's it's fantasy yeah i've it's never seen it happen i've picked someone up from the airport before yeah yeah but you never like park your car and go wait at their like gate right you just went no i did but it was like the guy who wrote a mixtape about my feet. Oh, no. So he deserves to be picked 2020. Oh, no. Yeah, please. Never again.

So the thing is, is that this movie is about relationships. Yeah. Yet there are almost no women on women. Relationships. Yeah. There's no friend relationships in this. And I have cataloged all of the instances where women talk to each other and or are near each other. Given the number of women in this movie, it's absurd how few there are. Yeah.

So the first one we see is Emma Thompson talking to her daughter about the Christmas pageant and how she's a lobster. That technically passes the Bechdel test. It lasts 10 to 15 seconds. But it does pass. The next one is when they're in the British White House.

Me too. I can't parliament. I'm at a loss for some reason. Natalie kind of turns to the older housekeeper woman. She's like, oh, did you see what I did? In referencing the fact that she swore in front of the prime minister. It's barely audible and it lasts about two seconds.

Oh, my gosh. But does it count if she doesn't respond really? Does she respond? Well, these are just instances where they're near each other and talk to each other. Make eye contact. It depends. Yeah, it's like we've gone through this whole thing, Debra, where we're like, which version of the Bechdel's history are we using? Because I don't think that that other character has a name.

She doesn't have a name. Okay. Either way, the point that I will be arriving at is that the movie is two hours and 15 minutes long. And there's less than like three minutes of women interacting with each other during the entire thing. You know what else? Even with Bill Nighy, his story is about him being his best friend, his manager, which is they gave that to the men too,

which is so unlikely. Of course men have friendships, but it's like we all know women, you would assume that you would give that role, but no, you can't, you can't even give. Well, and the Keira Knightley story too, that's like, I mean, it's like a broken trust of male friendship, but it's still like a very strong male bond that's established. And they don't get, they don't make, obviously we know we've already established there are no lesbians, there's no homosexuals, there's nothing, but they don't even, they don't even represent like female friendship. No, not at all. Which is don't even represent female friendship.

No, not at all. I can't believe that. That's disgusting. Two hours and 15 minutes. There's a few more. I guess Ugly Colin, he probably has the most girls talking to each other. That scene does last the longest, but at no point did they ever actually talk to each other.

No, they're talking to him beside each other. And that was infuriating because I was waiting for that yeah until i was like oh there's going to be a small but there isn't yeah it would have been fun if the sexy one came in and said what are you all doing you idiots let's go back to college yeah yeah yeah i want to put a girl unlike the other girls in that scene yeah yeah to be like guys yeah, are, you know, She comes in not wearing, yeah, she's not wearing a tummy shirt, do you know what I mean? Like, she has

proper underpants on. Right, she's wearing a flannel and briefs and she's like, we've got Model UN. You just described me. But anyway. Literally.

It's time to go to Model UN. We gotta go. Yep. There's a scene where Laura Linney asks Mia to turn down the music that lasts about four seconds It technically passes the test I think

but maybe not even There's a scene where the woman is introducing Aurelia to Colin Firth being like this is your new cleaning lady but doesn't pass the test because they don't actually talk to each other She only talks to colin firth about her this is horrifying test there's the we get a few different shots of bill nye's music video which is just women there's just a shot of a woman's breasts

at some point there's the woman who's like's playing the drums and her legs are just like completely spread eagle for no reason. That's how I play the drums. And then the rest of the women are just like licking their lips the entire time. That's how I act. Those women are near each other, but again, they don't speak. They're mostly salivating

over themselves. Over a 90 year old man. Richard Curtis is a pervert. I feel so strongly about how much I dislike him. The more I read about him, the madder I get. Yeah, I want to hear what you found out. Can I ask, though, is this basically, is this the average for every movie that you've discussed so far?

No. Is this a very bad one? This one's pretty bad. Well, I think that a lot, like, some that we do don't pass, but they're usually older, and they usually have far less female characters. So I think this is probably the movie with the most female characters that just barely passes.

There's a scene where Emma Thompson is talking to Natalie when they're at the school play. But doesn't pass the test because they are talking about the prime minister who's standing right there. There's a scene where Natalie is talking to, she says something to her mom whenever the prime minister shows up at the door and she's just like, too much detail, mom. That's a line. I don't think she looks at her. I think she screams it over her shoulder.

Emma Thompson talks to her daughter after the school pageant about being an orange lobster. I guess that passes, but like it kind of happens sort of off screen even and then aurelia's sister tells her not to marry colin for us she's just like marry someone else and it does not pass because they're talking about a man so in the two hours and 15 minutes this movie lasts there's 30 seconds where women are passing the Bechdel test, having a conversation where they're talking about something other than a man. Every single other scene or

conversation is either two men talking to each other or a woman talking to a man or even less frequently two women talking to each other but it's about a man. So it's pitiful. I'm having a heart attack. I'm having a heart attack.

Can I talk about Richard Curtis a little bit? Yes, yes, yes. Because I need to execute him immediately. Okay, so a brief rundown of what he's written. Four weddings and a funeral. Haven't seen it. It's probably not good to women. That's my input.

I don't remember very well. I just remember not liking it. He's a co-writer of Bridget Jones' Diary, which is an adaptation, but is consistently very condescending to the protagonist of like, oh, she's kind of fat and kind of dumb. And that's the whole character. So that was his work. And her friends are pitiful, too. They make her friends pitiful.

Okay, go ahead. It's just, I don't know if he worked on the sequels. And then Love Actually. Awful. And then he did this movie that I did see for some reason called The Girl in the Cafe. And it has Bill Nighy and a very

young woman fucking each other and it's supposed to be nice. And then he did that movie about pirate radio that is all men and slutty women. And that was in 2009.

And then he wrote War Horse, which I think is very funny. Just because, like, who knows? I don't want to see War Horse. But I don't think it doesn't sound like a feminist masterpiece. Probably not. And then the last one I haven't seen, it's a movie called Trash. And that is how I feel about Richard Curtis. I hope it's his last movie. He's a cuck.

He is 60 years old. And I hope that he can track something. He's a vile man. Wow. He would have infected my 11-year-old brain with some fucked up any shit. Oh, God. Okay, I feel better. We gotta wrap up soon

because I have to go to work. Whoa! Downstairs at Nerd Melt. Wow, what a peak. Is there any final thoughts? I'm gonna go see a Santa. Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. Any final thoughts about this movie that we wanna mention? You know what? I'm not surprised. I knew, like, when you suggested that

when I saw it on the list I was pretty excited because I was like oh this is going to be good but I have to tell you when you break it down like that I'm actually a little shocked I don't know why it's a beloved movie but even just hearing like 30 seconds it's shocking to me

I didn't realize how bad and it's super bad guys I want to watch it again just because I was like blown away by how. I didn't realize how bad. And it's super bad, guys. I want to watch it again just because I was blown away by how much I didn't like it. This is one of those movies that just does not hold up. But it is really beloved. It is a beloved Christmas movie. I love it. They put it up there with every, oh, we watch Sound of Music, It's a Wonderful Life, and Love Actually.

And I'm like, what? It's awful. It's a crazy cap. Yeah. And there's the other movie I always associate with like oh this one doesn't hold up but they loved it at the time is American Beauty but I feel like people are a little more forthcoming with like oh that movie's pretty perverted and like but people loved it at the time love actually I was like people people still stand

by it no big time yeah that's what I'm saying like I feel like we're gonna people are gonna be like what how could you say that about, yeah, they love this movie. They love it. I think it's just because it's under the veil of Christmas and people get excited. Bunch of hot heteros. Yeah, you know.

Getting all horned up over it. I hate looking at hot straight people. Disgusting. But yeah, but I don't think any surprises here. I think this is, you know, we sort of knew coming into this. We end each episode by rating the movie in the context of its portrayal of its female characters on a scale of zero to five nipples.

Five being good? Five being very good and zero being... The best number of nipples to have. Oh. Makes sense. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Good to know. Spare tires.

Yeah, I'm going to give it half a nipple That's it Just because I don't feel like giving it a complete zero Because some of these actresses They got paychecks Probably not as big of paychecks As their male counterparts I hope they gave some of it to Planned Parenthood

I give it a half nipple as well Wilted A wilted nipple I give it I'm going to go also it a half nipple as well. Wilted. A wilted nipple. I give it... I'm going to go also with a half nipple. And it belongs to Ugly Colin. That's a decrepit nipple.

It just had so many opportunities to portray women so much better than it did. And it just failed on every single front. Rest in peace. Bury it. Burn it. Bye forever. So yeah, thank you so much for than it did. And it just failed on every single front. Rest in peace. Bury it. Burn it. Bye forever. So yeah, thank you so much for being here, Debra.

This was fun. This was fun. Wonderful. Where can people find you online if they want to follow you? Yeah, this comes out this week. Oh, yeah, good deal. My full name on Twitter, because you can find everything out on Twitter. You know what I mean?

And I can't believe I didn't do like a little moniker, but it's my full name. It's Debra T. Giovanni. And I'm sorry for that. But yeah, there we go., but it's my full name. It's Debra T. Giovanni. And I'm sorry for that. But yeah, there we go. It's good. It's good. It's easiest. Great.

Well, I'm now eight minutes late to work. All right. Thank you so much. This was fun. Thank you so much for being here. Fuck Love Actually. Fuck Love Actually. I got a Santa to attract.

Happy Holidays, everyone. All right. Happy holidays everyone Alright Daphne Caruana Galizia was a Maltese investigative journalist who on October 16th 2017 was assassinated Crooks Everywhere unearthed the plot to murder a one woman

WikiLeaks. She exposed the culture of crime and corruption that were turning her beloved country into a mafia state. Listen to Crooks everywhere on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. To listen to new episodes one week early and 100% ad-free, subscribe to the iHeart True Crime Plus channel, available exclusively on Apple Podcasts. of a woman's nightmare. Can Kay trust her sister or is history repeating itself? There's nothing dangerous about what you're doing.

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