The Best of Car Talk - #2445: The Cheapskate Sweepstakes

Episode Date: June 4, 2024

Brian wants to spend only a few bucks to make his antique pickup truck handle like a sportscar. Candace's hubby thinks she can save a few pennies on gas by coasting whenever possible. And Keller has purloined a street sign to use as a floorboard in his VW Bug. Who will win 'The Cheapskate Sweepstakes' on this episode of the Best of Car Talk?Get access to hundreds of episodes in the Car Talk archive when you sign up for Car Talk+ at plus.npr.org/cartalkLearn more about sponsor message choices: podcastchoices.com/adchoicesNPR Privacy Policy

This is my voice. I can tell you a lot about me. And I'm not changing it for anyone. In NPR's Black Stories, Black Truths, you'll find a collection of NPR episodes centered on black experiences. Search NPR Black Stories, Black Truths wherever you get your pockets. Hello and welcome to Car Talk from National Public Radio with us, click and clack the Tappet Brothers and we're broadcasting this week from the Permanent Vacation Pavilion here at Car Talk from National Public Radio with us, Click and Clack the Tappet Brothers, and we're broadcasting this week from the permanent vacation pavilion here at Car Talk Plaza. Now, it's with a touch of sadness that I must announce the imminent departure of one of Car Talk's most reliable staff members. Right away, you know I'm not talking about Berman.

I knew that. No, no. Our constantly vacationing assistant producer and former Wisconsin Wisconsin Jennifer, Jiffy, Conifer, Gonnifer, travel and leisure, bikini wax, I'm having a telephone surgically implanted in my ear, Loeb is leaving us. Wait a minute, are you sure she's leaving us? I mean, she's always leaving us to go on vacation. No, no, this is it.

This is the real deal. Wow. Yep, she did put her notice in. This is no baloney. In fact, I overheard her consoling several Boston area travel agents on the phone the other day. You know, it seems like just yesterday that someone left her on our doorstep. Remember, we opened the back door and there was a little basket in it. It was Jennifer Jiffy Lope swaddled in blankets and clothing. Travel brochures. It seems like just yesterday we took her in and

nurtured her and raised her and made her what she is today. And what does she do? She leaves. She's leaving us. We've been hornswoggled! Who's a hornswoggle? Well, boy, oh boy, this is the end of an era. It's the end of an era. We will never again hear about all the places that she's been. I mean, how's Israel going to live without her going there every couple of weeks? Taking that new job with certain constraints, I might add. Oh, no, I mean, she can't possibly get away with the vacation schedule she's had here. I mean, who you working for?

The government? Well, good luck, Jen, wherever you are. Where, wherever? She's right there. Oh, she is. I mean, wherever you go, we love you and we will miss you. You ain't kidding. Yeah.

Yeah. I'm in tears. I can't do the show But I do have mail here's a quickie little quick one Dear said the wife. What would you do if I died? Why dear I'd be extremely upset says the husband Why do you ask such a question? Would you remarry? Persevered the wife. No, of course not, says the husband. Don't you like being married, says the wife? Of course I do, dear. Then why wouldn't you remarry? All right, I'd remarry. You would? Looking vaguely hurt, says the wife? Yes, says the husband. Would you sleep with her in our bed? Well, I suppose I would. And would

you let her wear my old clothes? I suppose if she wanted to, says the husband. Really? says the wife, icily. And would you take down the pictures of me and replace them with pictures of her? Well, yeah, I think that would be the right thing to do. Is that so? says the wife, leaping to her feet. And I suppose you'd let her play with my golf clubs, too? Of course not, dear, says the husband. She's left-handed it's uh... that's what the trouble you get into the glass and stupid questions that you don't really want the answers to use in the heat now if you want to ask a stupid question that you don't want to have a and i was only a hundred

three three two nine two eight seven whole your car talk hi guys my name's deborah from lexington kentucky deborah is that just plain old d e b r a no it's the long version the long version o r a h you got it whoo from lexington lexington kentucky home of uh race horses yes something like that and that has a little something to do with my problem yeah i was on my way back from the april keelan races and i was a stoplighting got rear-ended by this woman yeah michael's missed out for three weeks

got the car back uh... had to put an exhaust system on and i was driving it last week and on a long trip and it started making this sound and it started making this ch ch sound. Uh huh. And it sounded like it was first coming from the exhaust, the end of the exhaust pipe, but the more I listen to it, it sounds like it's coming from underneath the driver's seat. Okay. And it goes ch ch like the air's coming out or something.

But it's doing it repeatedly. It isn't doing it just twice. It's ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch was just part of all of this repair. Yes, part of it. But they didn't replace the entire exhaust system. I think that they did, yes. They put a new, like a double barrel chrome tip, fancy kind of big exhaust system. Oh, this is a Honda, huh? No, it's a Nissan. It's a 1990 Nissan 240SX. Oh, 240. Well, when you say they replaced the entire exhaust system,

I'm sure you don't have the bill in front of you, but... It was around... It wasn't $1,000, was it? No, it was around $300. Yeah. Okay, they replaced probably the rear half of the exhaust system. Uh-huh. And what they didn't replace was everything that connects to the engine. Ah.

The front pipe and the catalytic converter. Because it's unlikely that stuff would have been damaged no matter how severe the accident, because... Everything else would have gotten crushed. Right. I mean, you would have had to destroy the car and gotten hit by three on three sides or more to destroy the whole exhaust system What happened is the back stuff just folded up? Uh-huh and probably didn't damage the the front stuff although it may have bent

The flange to which that back stuff the new stuff was attached Uh-huh, and that is caused what you have now, which is an exhaust leak. An exhaust leak? Yeah. Right where they attached everything, they didn't make a complete total hermetic be, so you probably hear a little drone. Yeah. But when you stop that idle and that exhaust is lazily escaping from the engine because it's running at low speed, you get this... But it should be relatively easy to fix.

Okay. I mean... So should I take it back to them? Oh, of course. And have them tell them what you said. Okay. I mean... So should I take it back to them? Oh, of course! And have them tell them what you said? Yeah. Oh, yeah. And I would get like four or five packages of bubble gum.

Yeah? In case they might need extra. No, it's often the case that when a car is in a big accident that there are certain things that come to the surface after the car has been returned to the customer. Right. You know, this is small potatoes. Okay. But you should get it fixed.

Great, okay. It's great talking to you all. I've been listening to you for years and I've never had a reason to call. So it's nice to finally get to talk to you on the phone. It's a pleasure to talk to you, Deborah. You also come to Lexington and come to the Cayman races. And what do we race? Horses.

Thoroughbred horses, of course. How do you expect to win against a horse? A horse can run much faster than you. Yeah, that's true. See you, Deborah. Thank you. uh... horses horses of course hi expect to win against the horse so i think i have to do that's true say it's ever a thank you thanks a lot of all i have i have a one eight hundred three three two nine two eight seven all your own car talk well this is brian from populito california what's up brian uh... well i have a hobby at the nineteen sixty f one hundred

uh... i i just replaced the engine and most the parts have been replaced but I'm kingpins are next uh-huh and can I put sway bars or something like that on a leaf spring suspension can you I don't think so. Are there any tricks to make that thing handle like a 1996 Dodge Viper? They would be tricks too. Yeah, you take the body off. Why would you want it to handle like that? I mean the part of the charm of a vehicle like this is experiencing the the poor handling and the unpredictability of it. Yeah. I mean that's the excitement of driving a truck like this is experiencing the poor handling and the unpredictability of it.

Yeah. I mean that's the excitement of driving a truck like this. You're never gonna get this thing to handle like a Viper, nor would you want to anyway. No, but can I, what can I do to help it out a little bit? What's wrong with it? You mean it like wanders all over the road? Right. Well the kingpins are gonna help that. You got a problem with that?

The kingpins will help that and then, but I'd like to flatten it out a little bit. I don't want to modify it too much but something simple like sway bars are... Well a steering damper might help. A steering damper, okay. Ah. And a steering damper is like a shock absorber that will go between the chassis and part of the steering linkage. And I can't say that I'm familiar enough with an F100 steering linkage but it probably just has a steering box and a tie rod. It's about the same as a Model T. Yeah, so you may be able to put this thing which would damp oscillations or unwanted motions of the steering wheel before they telegraphed up to your... of the wheels rather before they telegraphed up to your steering wheel. Now needless to say this thing does not have power steering. Oh, but I mean but this is a

basic characteristic of all vehicles of that era and even when they were brand new they did not track as beautifully as modern-day cars track. It's fine until I get in it in mountain roads. Yeah, well, you probably have a lot of wear in a lot of different pieces. I mean, you say you're going to replace the kingpins, but what about the tie rods? What about the steering box? All that stuff gets a little bit of slop in it a little at a time, and then it all adds up and you find yourself swaying all over the road.

You loosen the adjustment nut on the steering box and you crank that screw down as far as it'll go You can't turn the wheel and see what happens. No, here's a couple of things that might help gas shocks would help. Okay. Okay Radial tires will help Now they're gonna tell you that you can't put radial tires on this thing. Yeah, pay no attention to them I already put those on. Good, they're going to work. They didn't help, right? Yeah, they helped.

Oh no, they help. And that's about it, I think. And I would replace all the tie rod ends, just for the heck of it. If you could buy all new stuff for that front end, a new pitman arm, new center link, all that junk, I would replace it all. It'll cost you a few hundred bucks. But it'll make a tremendous difference in the handling. Won't help at all.

It'll be great. Save your money. And then tighten up all those loose wheel bearings. And it'll be, I mean, it will never be great, but it'll be good enough. Don't go crazy replacing parts that aren't worn out, as my brother suggests, because there will be such a minuscule improvement in the handling. I disagree. See you Brian. Okay thanks guys.

Bye bye. Hey hey the puzzler answer and more calls are coming up right after this. Last year over 20,000 people joined the Body Electric study to change their sedentary screen-filled lives. And guess what? We saw amazing effects. Now you can try NPR's Body Electric Challenge yourself. Listen to updated and new episodes wherever you get your podcasts. In this country, some truths aren't self-evident. In NPR's Black Stories, Black Truths, a collection

of stories as wide-ranging and real as the people who tell them, we celebrate the Black experience for all its soul and richness. Search NPR Black Stories, Black Truths wherever you get podcasts. All that sitting and the swiping, your body is adapting to your technology. Learn how and what you can do about it. I really felt like the cloud in my brain kind of dissipated. Once I started realizing what a difference these little breaks were making, there's no turning back for me. Take NPR's Body Electric Challenge.

Listen to the series wherever you get your podcasts. NPR Plus is a new way to support public media and get more from your favorite NPR podcasts like Fresh Air. Sometimes I'll actually preface the question with if it makes you too uncomfortable to talk about, if it's too personal, just tell me. Here's the question. For behind the scenes content, bonus episodes, and more,

sign up at plus.npr.org. All right, it's time to answer last week's puzzler. Now I know you don't remember last week's puzzler. You don't even remember last week for that matter. So we'll just go right to the answer. All right. You ready? Yeah. Some years ago when my son, Louis,

had just received his driver's license, he asked me if he could borrow my truck Oh, yeah, that was good to go visit a friend in a neighboring town couple of towns away as I handed him the keys I Warned him that he was not permitted to drive on any highways or out of state or any such thing He was just to go to his friend's house. Yeah and get back in Watertown. Don't go far Yeah, and I did I had I admonished him thusly because he was an inexperienced driver and he says to me, don't worry, Father

dearest, you can trust me. Who was being the trusting soul that I am. It never crossed my mind to check up on him by writing down the mileage on the truck in order to see how much driving he did. And so I figured I got it. You figured, there comes a point in every father-son relationship where you have to trust. Yeah, that's a mistake. Yeah, I can be a chump sometimes.

Anyway, he returns that evening, with a great suntan, I might add, and he hands me the keys. So being the trusting soul that I am, I immediately ran out to my truck to see if he had wrecked it. It looked alright in the outside, so I climbed inside and somehow I managed not to see all the sand on the floor, the thousands of bugs splattered on the windshield, which would have been a dead giveaway. However, I fired up the engine, which sounded fine, and within 30 seconds I knew that he had taken my truck far away from home. The question

was how did I know that Louis had traveled much farther away than his friend's house? I also gave a hint I think and the hint was the Grateful Dead. Oh yeah. For extra credit you could have guessed how long he was grounded for pulling that stunt. Yeah, the Grateful Dead. So it had to do with the tape player. It had to do with the tape player. When I got in, I turned the engine on, the tape is playing, the volume is turned up all the way, friend of the devil is playing I believe. I eject the tape. Sure, so you won't break your eardrums. And upon ejecting it, it goes to the default mode which is the radio. And it's tuned to a station that we don't get in Boston because what I hear is

And I realized that he would have no reason to have that station tuned in if he had gone two towns over Because he couldn't receive that station two towns over he had gone to Hampton Beach, New Hampshire Got a tattoo yeah, right, that's good any any filled up. Yeah. Right. That's good. And he filled up, yeah, and he got grounded. He got grounded a long time. I remember that. He used to come to my house and ask me for a ride to school. Do we have a winner?

Yes, the winner is Joan Tyring, T-Y-R-I-N-G, from Stratham, New Hampshire. Congratulations Joan, your best of Car Talks CD will be in the mail as soon as Ken Rogers gets her onto it. So, don't hold your breath. Anyway, we have a brand new non-automotive puzzler. This one, the other one I guess was semi-automotive, right? You'd have to call it semi-automotive. Well, you get into a vehicle. Quasi. That's automotive.

Anyway, we have that coming up during the second half of today's show so don't go out and mow the lawn just yet if you'd like to call us with a question about your car our number is 1-800-332-9287 hello you're on car talk. Hi guys. Hi. Who's this? This is Candice. Candice. Candice. I'm calling from Endwell New York. Endlo? Endwell. Oh I thought it was underwear. Endwell. Allswell that ends well, Endwell, New York. Yeah, it's near Binghamton. Near Binghamton. Yeah, now do you know where it is?

Of course. So, what's on your mind, Candace? Okay, well, this is really weird. Okay, my boyfriend, he's just learning how to drive standard, and his dad is teaching him to put it in neutral when he's downshifting when he comes to a stop sign instead of downshifting and My dad has always taught me to downshift and so it's kind of like a little war between my dad and his dad on who's right Yeah, so if you're coming to the stop sign Yeah, your your father has told you if you're in third gear throw it in second gear

And slow down. Yeah, let the clutch out. Yeah slow down that way Yeah, let the engine slow you down and then what and then throw it in neutral Is that I mean when you finally stop do you throw it in neutral? No, you don't really stop You just do a Texas rolling stop Yeah, I kind of put it in the first and and just keep right on going just wait for the late to turn Oh, so your last shift you downshift in the first and instead of letting the clutch out What you do is you just sit there in first with your foot on the brake raring to go as soon as the light turns green yeah yeah as opposed to your boyfriend and

his father and and that school of thought is you're coming to a stop sign when you get to the stop sign throw it in neutral don't downshift whatever gear you happen to be in slow down with your foot on the brake throw it in neutral and leave it in neutral your foot off the brake, throw it in neutral, and leave it in neutral with your foot off the clutch, and when the light changes, if it's a light, then shift it into first and go. Have we represented these two positions correctly, fairly? Yes, you have, but they also have these other little things where my dad says, if you're in neutral, you don't have any control over the car So if a cat goes in front of you, it'll be harder for you to stop or something

And then my boyfriend's dad also says that when it's in neutral you save on gas Uh-huh. So we have cats on the one hand. There's the safety issue on one. Cats versus gas. Uh-huh. Safety versus cheapness Yeah, yeah So let me get that I'm wanted to know who was right. I'm not sure we've represented the two sides correctly then because is your boyfriend coasting in neutral to the stop? Yes.

From what, from how long a distance? I have no idea. It's just whenever he starts slowing down, like he'll be at the top of a hill and then he'll just put it in neutral instead of downshifting. OK. Oh, that's a different situation. So how long you been going with this boyfriend? Um a little over two years two years

Years, how old are you Candace? I'm 19. You're 19 and he's about the same, huh? He's about a year younger Oh a younger man You little devil you You little devil you! Speaking of personal relationships, every once in a while, I told you the other day I walked into the house and my wife is on the phone talking to, unfortunately, her sister. And my wife is saying, he said what? And evidently her sister had heard one of those shows where Jennifer warned me that I would be sleeping in the garage.

And you were right. And it was fun. With her raccoons. Well, thanks for calling, Candace. You'll notice I never make fun of my wife. No, you don't. No, because I realize that- Yeah.

It's dangerous. Well, my wife does most of the cooking and you should never- Never mess with- Never mess with anyone who's preparing your food. That's true. Right. Anyway, you're both wrong. We are? Yeah, how about them apples?

Oh, yeah. You're both wrong, but if your boyfriend is coasting down hills, he's more wrong than you. More wrong-er. More wrong-er than you. Even. Yeah. You shouldn't downshift to, I'll tell you the right way to do it. Rather than explain how both of you are wrong, I'll just explain the right way to do it.

Okay. So that you'll know how to do it. This is the right way according to my brother. So that still might be wrong? That could be wrong too. Well, that remains to be seen. Okay, I'll describe a scenario. You're driving along a city street at 30 miles an hour,

and up ahead you see that the light is red, and you're in third gear. You should remain in third gear as long as possible, applying pressure to the brake pedal to slow you down. Staying in third. At some point, as you get closer to the stop light, obviously, you're gonna realize that third gear is the wrong gear to be in, and the car will let you know that because

it may even start to buck a little bit. At which point, you should step on the clutch and downshift into second, but don't let your foot off the clutch. You're in second gear in the event that you have to do something like avoid running over a cat, and you're ready to spring into action. And if need be, you can then coast to the stop with your foot on the clutch, you're in second gear, you'll coast to the stop at which point you will shift it with your foot still on the clutch into neutral, take your foot off

the clutch, sit at the light and wait for it to turn green. In neutral, when it turns green, you step on the clutch, you shift into first and you go. Pretty good huh Tommy? That's pretty good, I'll buy that. Okay. What about the pot with the rope and the rock? That's how you do it in my car. We'll discuss that some other time. And the door, you have to open the door to do this. So have you, but

the dangerous, we should mention that you should not coast. It's dangerous to coast. I didn't think that was right. You sure don't want to coast down a hill. Yeah, you should never coast more than say five miles an hour. I think that would be the cutoff point for me. But you should always be in gear. What's your boyfriend's name? Brandon. Brandon. The fact that Brandon's father has taught him to do it this way means that Brandon's father is a cheapskate of the first order. I mean this guy is thinking about if you practice what Brandon preaches over a lifetime of driving maybe 70 years of driving you might save a quarter in gas. That's assuming that as we go out in time gasoline will up to like $50 a

gallon. Well it's adjusted for inflation. It's adjusted for you might save twenty five cents over a lifetime. Now do you want to get involved with a guy who might have inherited the jeans that are making his father do this? Well I bet you if it, Brand he probably did inherit the jeans from his grandfather. No is, you can tell you've gone out with this guy for two years, is he a cheapskate? He's not, but his dad is. You may not realize that no matter what, we all turn into our parents sooner or later. So in your dotage, this guy is going to have you eating dog food. Hey, good luck Candace. Thank you very much. Bye bye.

Boy, that's a wonderful thought. Well, it's the truth. It is? Yeah. 1-800-332. My mother-in-law, on the other hand, is the sweetest, most wonderful woman you could ever meet. She paid me to say this and my wife my wife is slowly turning into that we screen it in for you the bugs must be rough in the summer I'll lend you my bug zapper you can read by it we'll be right back with more calls and the new puzzler after these messages. What does it mean to be Black in America? In NPR's Black Stories, Black Truths, a collection of

stories as varied, nuanced, and dynamic as the Black experience, you'll hear, it means everything. Search NPR Black Stories, Black Truths, wherever you get your podcasts. What does it mean to be Black in America? In NPR's Black Stories, Black Truths, a collection of stories as varied, nuanced, and dynamic as Black experiences, you'lls, a collection of stories as varied, nuanced, and dynamic as black experiences, you'll hear. It means everything.

Search NPR Black Stories, Black Truths wherever you get your podcast. I'm Rachel Martin. After hosting Morning Edition for years, I know that the news can wear you down. So we made a new podcast called Wildcard, where a special deck of cards and a whole bunch of fascinating guests help us sort out what makes life meaningful. It's part game show, part existential deep dive, and it is seriously fun. Join me on Wildcard wherever you get your podcasts, only from NPR. A former president found guilty while running for reelection for a story this big, one podcast only from NPR politics podcast wherever you get your podcasts. Hi, we're back. You're listening to Car Talk on National Public Radio with us, looking

like the Tappet brothers, and we're here to discuss cars, car repair, and an exchange of correspondence. Well, as always, I don't know how this got to us because it comes from 25 different people, and it ended up at the website. But here it is. It says, MIT certainly has a reputation to be proud of, but its admissions department went a little overboard, I think. The first letter is an honest to goodness mailing from MIT, and the second one is a prospective student's answer.

So this is all legit. Real true, as far as you can believe anything that comes to you via the web. So this is the letter from MIT to a Mr. John T. Mongan of California. Dear John, you've got the grades. You've certainly got the PSAT scores. And now you've got a letter from MIT.

Maybe you're surprised. Most students would be. But you're not most students. And that's exactly why I urge you to consider carefully one of the most selective universities in America. The level of potential reflected in your performance is a powerful indicator that you might well be an excellent candidate for MIT. It certainly got my attention. Engineering is not for you? No problem. It

may surprise you to learn that we offer more than 40 major fields of study, from architecture to brain and cognitive sciences, from economics, perhaps the best program in the country, to writing. What? Of course you don't want to be bored. Who does? Life here is tough and demanding, but it's also fun. MIT students are imaginative and creative

inside and outside the classroom. You're interested in athletics? Great! MIT has more varsity teams, 39, than most any other university and a tremendous intramural program so everybody can participate. You think we're too expensive? Don't be too sure. We've got surprises for you there too. Oh yeah. Why not send the enclosed information request form to find out more about this unique institution?

Why not do it right now? Sincerely, Michael C. Benke, Director of Admissions, PS. If you'd like a copy of a fun-filled, fact-filled brochure, Insight, just check the appropriate box on the form. Well, Michael C. Benke, what was this guy's name? John T. Mongan writes back to Michael C. Benke, MIT, Director of Admissions. Dear Michael, he says, you've got the reputation, you've certainly got the

pomposity, and now you've got a letter from John Mongin. Maybe you're surprised, most universities would be, but you're not most universities, and that's why, and that's exactly why I urge you to carefully consider one of the most selective students in America, so selective that he will choose only one of the thousands of accredited universities in the country. The level of pomposity and lack of tact reflected in your letter is a powerful indicator that your august institution might well be a possibility for John Mongin's future education. It's certainly got my attention. Didn't this guy Benke deserve this letter back? Don't want biochem students?

No problem. It may surprise you to learn that my interests cover over 400 fields of study, from semantics to limnology, from object-oriented programming, perhaps one of the youngest professionals in the country, to classical piano. What? Of course you don't want egotistical jerks. Who does? Who does? I am self-indulgent and overconfident, but I'm also amusing. John Morgan is funny and amusing, whether you're laughing with him or at him. You're interested in athletes? Great! John Mongin has played more sports, 47, than almost any other student including oddball

favorites such as orienteering. You think I can pay for your school? Don't be too sure! I've got surprises for you there too! Why not send a guaranteed admission and full scholarship to increase your chance of being selected by John Mongin? Why not do it right now? Sincerely, John Mongin.

PS, if you'd like a copy of a fun-filled, fact-filled brochure, John Mongin, what a guy! Just ask! Well, how's Michael Benke doing today? I love it. Great letter, John. Hope he goes somewhere else. I want to know who John Mongin is.

I'm sure we'll be hearing more from him in the future. I want his brochure. You don't want jerks who does? Alright, it's time to go. We'll be hearing more from him in the future. I want his brochure. You don't want jerks? Who does? All right. It's time for the new puzzler. Yeah, we know. Go ahead.

All right. Everyone remembers Paul Drake from Perry Mason. Of course. Paul Drake Detective Agency. Well, many years ago, Paul Drake had to hire a new assistant and he had three candidates in his office. Yeah. And he decided to interview them and give them a little quiz.

And he said, look guys, he said there's a crime that needs to be solved and there's a clue in one of the public libraries in Bakersfield. And the clue is stuck in a book. It's between pages 165 and 166 of a book that was written by two famous brothers about cars. Yeah. Right? Yeah.

And two of the guys jump up and bolt out the door. The third guy doesn't move. He just sits there. Yeah. Drake says, you He just sits there. Yeah. Drake says, you've got the job. Excellent. Why did he get the job? What did he know that the other two ding-a-lings didn't know?

He didn't know anything, but he was on crutches. He couldn't get up fast enough. He didn't know where the library was. He wanted to know what's a book? Well, if you think you know the answer, send it to us. You want to know what's a book? Well if you think you know the answer, send it to us. Either mail it to us at Puzzler Tower, Car Talk Plaza, Box 3500, Harvard Square, Cambridge, Our Fair City, Math 02238.

Of course you can email your answer to us at CarTalk.com and if we choose your correct answer at random and you catch us, we'll send you some totally worthless but hard to get piece of junk like a copy of the best of Car Talk. Now if you'd like to call us with a question about your car or anything else, we're not restricted to automobiles here. Absolutely not. In fact, it doesn't have to be a question. We'd like to discuss things, you know, have an open forum about any topic.

I mean, as you know, we know as little about cars as we know about anything. So why limit it to cars? And why limit it to questions? Call us with answers. We'd like some answers. Exactly. We want some answers and we want them now! Our number is 1-800-332-9287. Hello, you're on Car Talk. Hi, this is Keller Grace and I'm calling from Williamsburg, Virginia. Keller? Yes.

From Williamsburg? Williamsburg, Virginia Virginia that's right news for the killer as in killer art here uh... i get that i think i'll have a look at the many things you can make that so what's up kill well i've got a beetle here no kidding and it's my second one but it's time to part ways with it for various reasons

and uh... and the left passengers floorboard uh... is a big hole rather there is no left passengers for board yeah there's a carpet over it and i think that there's nothing as nothing well that's good you can see the weather left rear the left rear floorboard left front floorboard that's the driver's side no right then i'm sorry the passenger side all the right left side is the right left side the passengers side

that's curious i took a seat out to get uh... the shoddy uh... fix a job that was there before it completely out yeah and so my question is what might i do to get something else in there i've got i had a friend with the mid welder and i had a street sign but he went to alaska uh... streets street sign in a friend with access to welding material, but it can't come to the car.

So we could cut a piece of the street sign to fit in the car, but then the question is how best to get it in there. Oh, so this is a... You've purloined like a stop sign? No, it was found. Oh, it was found, and you picked it up? You can't pick those things up? It's interesting how people's notion of what's right and wrong changes when something changes position well you would never think of climbing up that pole and ripping the sign off oh no but it was but it's fair game once it falls to the ground well

it was it was in the house when we moved into it awesome he's completely innocent so now you want this you want this piece welded in well the thing is the front with the MIG welders in Alaska now so i don't have someone they can come to the car and well then for me but what i do have a friend that has access to a welding equipment inside a building someone's got on a welding set in the building why what kind of a building is a office building it's an art studio

it's a ball a scythe sir yes oxy acetylene torch exactly. Oh, okay. I got you now There is one admonition which may be unnecessary, but that I'll make it anyway The gas line runs through that tunnel that was a question I had to what yes happen if you get a welder down in there that would be bad Uh-huh, I think the car has a propensity to run out of gas because the gauge is broken So probably wouldn't hard to to do that

well still under way it doesn't take much gas i would make don't think that there's no gas because of the the gauge says empty all the car doesn't run when that oxy acetylene flame gets anywhere near anything it doesn't take much as you met yourself may know okay if you've ever fooled around with a lawnmower like it doesn't take much to get a pretty violent explosion okay so I would make sure I took it someplace where a guy would have some experience doing this yeah I don't think

I don't think I'd have any artists do it. No. The artist would just help me cut out the sign to fit the space. And then how's it gonna how's this piece gonna stay in there? That's my question. Oh I see. Unfortunately the floor of this car is more than just the floor. Right. It is in fact the whole pan. It's the structure. It's the frame of the car. There's still some edge around the frame though that can support the sign. Yeah, but you need to weld the sign in. That's the bottom line. I can't glue it in. Because you've got a huge hole there which if you don't make it part of the structure

you've got a structure with a big hole in it right that so that's not really good On the other hand you don't usually sit on this side of the car And you're gonna sell it anyway, but you just you started out the whole conversation by telling us you are gonna I don't want to get it. I want to get in selling condition, so I don't have the moral obligation So well well you do have the moral obligation of making it somewhat safe Unless you sell it in as-is condition in which case you disclose what's wrong with it. Right. And you and you heap the moral obligation on the next owner. In which case just put the sign in the front seat and sell it as

is with the sign laying there saying this sign must be welded around that hole. Okay. And I would feel welded around that hole. Okay. And I would feel comfortable telling somebody that. Okay. I don't think you have any obligation to go on and make sure that this person follows your advice. No, no. I mean, you've done your part.

Exactly. You will fulfill your moral obligation by just telling the new owner what has to be done. Yeah. So do it right. I mean, either fix it right, have a qualified weld well to do it and that person will know how to do It without setting the car on fire and if the car does get set on fire, then you're all done Looking at that way

Yeah, just don't be around while he's doing it, but don't do it yourself because it is tricky So it as is you think you sell it as is okay put the sign over the hole. Yeah Good luck Keller. Good. Thanks a lot. Thanks for calling. Okay, bye bye. That was a very informative little discussion we had just there. I mean, it had moral principles involved in it, it had technology involved in it, it was wonderful. It was very little technology. While you've squandered another perfectly good hour of your precious youth listening to car talk, our esteemed producer is Doug the Subway Fugitive, not a slave to fashion.

Punkin Lips, nyas nyar, Berman. Our associate producer and dean of the College of Automusicology is Ken Babyface, where the hell is everybody? Rogers. Our engineer and assistant producer is, has been, but will no longer be Jennifer Travel and Leisure Lobe. Bye bye, Jiffy. Our new assistant producer is Catherine Ray and our technical advisor is John Bugsy, Sebastian, Mr. Height, Sweet Cheeks, Free Lunch, Twinkle Toes, Hoola Hips, Donut Breath, Two Gigabytes. Make that three triple cheeseburgers lawler. Our public opinion pollster, that's a mouthful, isn't it? Our public opinion pollster is Paul Murky of Murky Research, assisted by statistician Marginal

Vera. Our automotive medical researcher is Dr. Denton Fender. The co-chairman of our apathy study group, our Bend There and Dawn That. Our staff filmmaker is Bertha Venation. Our director of new product repair is Warren T. Myfoot. Our director of gender studies is Amanda B. Reckondwith. Our director of pedestrian operations is Carlos Castaneda.

The designer of our casual clothing line is No Tai Wu. The curator of Tom's Car Collection is Rex Galore. Staff Urologist is Willa Catheter. Our Director of Country Music is Stan Beierman. The Chairman of our Underemployment Study Groups Art Majors. Our Conservative Political Commentator is Eileen Tudor-Wright. The Director of the Car Talk Psychic Network

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And no matter what, don't drive like my brother. Don't drive like my brother. We'll be back next week. Bye-bye. If you want a cassette copy of this week's show, which is number 24, you can order it electronically on the World Wide Web through the Shameless Commerce Division of Cartalk.com or the old fashioned way by calling 303-823-8000. You can also order the best of Car Talk the same way. Click on the Shameless Commerce Division at cartalk.com or call 303-823-8000. Car Talk is a production of Dewey, Cheetahman,

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