The Besties - The Besties go to the Farm!

Episode Date: March 6, 2020

Today's episode examines Rune Factory 4 Special Nintendo Switch edition plus Russ challenges the gang to a test if any of the farming simulators they've played over the years have translated into real world knowledge. Get the full list of games (and other stuff) discussed at www.besties.fan. Want more episodes? Join us at patreon.com/thebesties for three bonus episodes each month!

it's very funny because Chris Plant is recording in our New York City offices right now, and every time he needs to make a change, he has to run across the room like it's a double dare challenge. Well, don't listen. That's part of the sort of, you know, rock star, punk rock, revolutionary sort of indie startup lifestyle. Yeah. Well, I mean, that's how y'all record too, right? lifestyle yeah well i mean that's how y'all record too right you have a giant paper mache nose with um the recording system inside of it and you have to pull out boogers to get it to start recording right right my audio interface is in a big sloppy pizza and i do need to dig around in there and then i do get uh if i say um you know if i cuss too much then rosie o'donnell does shoot a koosh

ball at me. And it hurts a lot. A lot of people don't talk about that. Those have a lot of ballistic force. And she's a very strong person. Justin, what is your setup like? Actually, I have a cone. And it is above me.

And the sound comes down like that. and then i talk up into the cone i don't know how it gets recorded i don't know how it's been distributed all these years i've never consented to the cone but the cone has just always been in whatever house that i that i live in the cone is there and a lot of times you do hear voices in the cone at night voices in the cone absolutely well the I hear the voices in the cone. Absolutely. Well, the cone follows me to bed. It's like Olaf's flurry.

You know, it's always kind of floating over my head. That's why I'm always podcasting. I can't stop podcasting because of the cone. Wild and crazy kids. So anyway, I wanted to tell you guys about my will. I'd love to stop recording this, but here's my social security number. My name is Justin McElroy, and I know the best game of the farm. Howdy, partner! I'm Griffin McElroy, and I'm the farm man.

Hi, everybody. I'm Christopher Thomas Plant, and I dig it! My name is Russ Bresnik, and I know the best game of the week. Probably because it's March, and there's all sorts of great games for us to pick. There's going to be in like six days. We're so close to good game town. The drought. We've seen the weather reports.

There is a game storm coming. Right now though, we're still sitting on our rockers. Oh, this old knee of mine is flaring. What's that old knee? It says, oh, knee-o-two. rockers. Oh, this old knee of mine is flaring. What's that old knee? It says, oh, Neo 2. Oh, old knee, I didn't know. Knees love Neo 2.

Knees will only let you know when a Neo game is coming. What are we doing today, Justin? Oh, God, dude. What is this show about? Hopefully, at some point, Justin will intro the show. Please, be quiet. I'm going to do this now. This is the besties.

It's usually a show about video games that are new, relevant, and good. Today is about Rune Factory 4 Special Switch Edition. You may remember it as Jimmy Carter's favoriteter's favorite video game he used to talk about all the time while he was peanut farming he said it most closely resembled his farming experiences i have no idea why we're talking about this old old game the very first second of the intro screen of this game the very first animatic i literally this is what i literally said out loud fucking come on that was exactly my reaction to the way this game began i can't fathom it i'm kind of into it but it is it has it put up i think russ you said it and i think it was very fair this game could not have put up more warning

signs it's like justin do enter. This is not for you. We've sort of positioned this episode to be I think out of concern that all four people on this podcast would not be able to generate a meaningful 20 minute discussion about Rune Factory 4 Special that we would sort of talk about

its place in the pantheon of farming games. And honestly, I think this game is in sort of talk about its place in the pantheon of farming games. And honestly, like, I think this game is in sort of a unique place where, for myself and I think a lot of people who are into this genre, this is a little aperitif, a little snack, until the big boy shows up on March 20th and gets it done. Like, I think this scratches a lot of the same sort of life sim itches as Animal Crossing. I think if this came out on, say, even March 21st,

literally nobody would be talking about it. But this game has a pretty cult following when it came out on 3DS back in 2013 in the States. And I think that's why it's worth discussing. I think that's why people are talking about it now. Do you think they had to rush to get it up

like they were racing Animal Crossing and that's why they hired a baby to do all the graphics? That's mean to say, so let's maybe curtail that a little bit. I think that, well, the graphics look great on 3DS and there really has not been much done to sort of like juice that up on on a on a larger screen is a lot bigger it's a lot bigger a lot it's a lot harder to hide some of the sins of uh of the game

yeah i think that i don't know if it was rushed or not i know that the rune factory 5 is in development so this was announced alongside that during a nintendo direct last year maybe even during the e3 nintendo direct last year i want to say and uh the rune factory 5 i don't think had like the announcement had a release date and so they're like hey but uh this game that you do know and some of you really like is coming out on on switch next year so you got that i just want to say really quick just because i do want to establish what this game is as somebody who a big big into harvest moon right new new to rune factory I was surprised to learn it is not just a farming simulation.

It is a everything simulation. It does it all. Does it all, baby. It does it all. You are a prince who is on a flying ship. You are attacked by air pirates. You fall

from the ship. Before you even fall, you get amnesia from just getting punched. You don't longer remember anything. You meet a dragon, and I'm going to just get going real fast. You meet a dragon who thinks you're a prince, but you're not the prince, but you're going to be the prince to fake everybody out. Because you're the prince, you're going to farm, but you're also going to go into mysterious forest to kill things. Also, since you are the prince but're the prince you're going to farm but you're also going in to go into mysterious forest to kill things also since you are the prince but not the prince you have a list of jobs

from a giant talking mailbox that's like the first five minutes it's also kind of a flirty ghost the mailbox yeah it does a lot uh everybody is horny everyone's horny as hell anytime you meet a character who you can sort of romance you get like this like uh this cut scene like this anime cut scene of them just like showing you their whole bodies that it's it shows them like sighing or like dripping with sweat or something like that it's like the witcher it's like the witcher sex cards but for you know anime uh characters rune factory was you know from the same cut from the same cloth as harvest moon but was literally like that was the whole conceit it's harvest moon with all the farming and stuff like that but it's also like you know an action rpg it is also a

dungeon crawler so you're doing all the farming shit of raising crops and uh you know cleaning up your farm upgrading upgrading your tools, all that stuff that you can do in Harvest Moon is all there. But also you can craft weapons and armor and accessories and upgrade those and go out into dungeons and farm for materials from monsters and like, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera. So like the idea of, yeah, it's Harvest Moon, but it's also everything is kind of the core conceit of the game.

it's harvest moon but it's also everything is kind of the core conceit of the game and it sounds like i know kind of where you all landed on where how they succeed with the equation liked it oh wow good yeah that's the twist yeah kind of twist on y'all too yeah i kind of dug it too and i'm not and i actually don't, I actively, like, despite multiple, multiple, multiple attempts, do not like, what's the other? Stardew? Yeah, Stardew I don't like. But I actually, like, kind of enjoyed this. And I would like your all's help to help me figure out what you think the difference is that cracked it for me. I have a theory.

I think I know. But, okay, let me hit you, because you have a more concrete answer. me let me hit you because you have a more concrete answer my so let me hit you with my like ephemeral um there's a lot of stuff in stardew that doesn't make that is kind of inscrutable or obtuse and there's also things happening in stardew that make you feel like you're missing out like the world is passing you by and you're running out of time and running out of energy constantly and you also don't there's like a lot of things that you don't understand and it doesn't explain them super great and so there's this constant feeling of like i'm missing stuff or i'm failing or i'm not doing

something i should be doing and room factory to me just feels a lot more streamlined like i don't regularly run out of energy in a given day i just kind of like feel like i've gotten all i needed to and go ahead and hit the hay like it's a it's a lot less pressure the recipes are like gradually handed to you you know what to do with your stuff i don't constantly worry that i should have been saving this dumb thing because it could build this other dumb thing like i don't know i really really... And also, walking around the world is much less of a chore than it feels like in Stardew. That is my high five.

You can move faster. Yeah, I have a theory about why I like it, but specifically why Justin likes it. I say this as somebody who I think I am an expert in Justinology. There are meters for everything you do in this game, and they grow up.

Daddy like a meter. And you're like pulling a weed, and it's like, upgrade, upgrade, upgrade. You can be running, you're constantly running around the village, it's like skill improved, like of what? Running, the walking skill. There's literally, the two best are,

because I had to check the page that shows you all your stats one time i just like got out of bed in the morning after sleeping and it was like skill up i was like what the fuck did i have a dream about like using a battle axe and i might and i checked and there's a sleeping skill and then it happened later i was taking a bath to like increase my energy and it's skill up but I was like no fuck no fucking way no fucking way and I checked the screen it was like bathing skill up I was like I have a bathing skill that's so dope yeah literally everything has a skill associated and what does that even do what does your better bathing skill do well for I mean all the different skills have sort of like different benefits for upgrading them I don't know what the bathing skill necessarily does.

Better lotions, different scents of lotions. Softer, softer skins. But for things like, you know, farming activities, mining, it makes you more efficient. So you use less energy doing them. It allows you to craft better, you know, tools in whatever like field that you are upgrading. It makes it more efficient to craft stuff. Like if you try to craft an axe that you know the recipe for,

but it's like above your skill level, it may take all your energy for the same, for that day. But if you are at or above that skill level, it's like nothing. And then you can start farming those out and then selling them for huge profits. Like there's, I think what aids

in the point that Justin got to is, like, in Stardew Valley, there is a, I feel like a progression ladder that once you learn it, like, you learn it. And I think even once you, like, learn the formula of, like, what a season looks like in that game, that's really all you need to know. And then, like, that can carry you over. Like, I could start a Stardew Valley playthrough right now and not need to consult a guide to know like what that ladder looks like how to you know get my automatic sprinklers by the end of spring right like that that stuff is is stuff i have in mind but like like justin said it's not explicitly clear in how you do it and there's not

like a ton of ways to necessarily build that ladder in rune factory fuck man like so many day one i'm not even gonna farm i'm just gonna go fish and then i'm gonna go sell the fish and upgrade my fishing skill buy a knife from porcaline and then i'm gonna start making sashimi and i'm gonna sell that sashimi and invest that in buying materials from the materials like it's and like extrapolate that out it is more mmo like um that's a that's a tricky comparison because like it doesn't have the sort of online structure of a game like that but it does have that like do whatever the fuck and you will level up and get resources and grow and get prince points to like unlock new festivals

and like it is it is vicious how much like progression there is in the game and a lot of it works really really well so i wanted to share my experience in playing this because we've all sort of shared and i and don't worry griffin i am not gonna just like drop a big steamy deuce on this game here was my experience just from the beginning so i started playing as plant mentioned there was the airship something i noticed on the airship which i really appreciated that carried through the whole experience of me playing is that you can skip dialogue really fast in this game yeah like really fast you could just slam that a button and dialogue just flies by which great feature so i fall from the airship amnesia there's a dragon text is flying by i don't know what he's saying

but it's flying by flying by i just want to get to the farming i get to the farming there are sticks on the ground that are made of i didn't think this was possible three pixels each every stick was the lowest res stick i have ever seen in my entire life it was like i had the worst vision in the world it was it was like they pulled graphics from just like random flash games they found online and jammed them into the Switch. This is a game about farming. You couldn't have given a little bit of a glow up. You really don't like these sticks.

I mean, it looks like the farming art looks like dog shit. Okay, but that's fine. I'm like, okay, I'm like using my hoe to plant like various turnips and stuff like that. And I'm watering them and things are going well they send me to the forest and then my phone buzzes and I look at my phone and I have an email and it's

the review code for Animal Crossing it literally happened two hours into me playing I got this email I'm under embargo but I was like, nope. And that was the last I ever saw. Oh, good.

Well, Russ, I'm glad you gave it a thought. Good dedication, bud. Yeah, good dedication to the craft, and I'm glad that you are honest about what a fucking delinquent you are. That is good. Griffin, serious question, Griffin. Would I have done the same in your situation? Yes, fucking exactly.

Yes, of course I would. In a million times, a million out of a million times that is what would have happened for griffin it is it is it is an intrinsically sort of different thing than animal crossing is like and there's a lot of sort of like game design ethos shit to get into there we're like animal crossing doesn't have fail states in general it doesn't have uh it does not have confrontation necessarily and so like they are different games in that regard but i think rune factory and stardew and harvest moon and the whatever story of seasons which i have not enjoyed literally any of those and i've tried really hard

uh all sort of occupy this space of just you know chill ass just life sim games see i feel that about i feel that about room factory i don't feel that about stardew i feel like stardew has an intrinsic pressure like i felt like i was playing stardew and constantly failing or yeah which i hate having like my laptop open over here so i could constantly be googling best case strats for what to do with this thing and how to do this and how to get ahead. That is not chill to me at all. Rune Factory, I really did feel the freedom of

I don't really want to mess around with going to the dungeon today. I think I'm just going to farm. I'm going to bake today and really focus on that and just do it. Somebody's birthday, I don't feel compelled to like get on the wiki and see what their favorite thing is i'll just see whatever whack garbage i have a lot of turnips i hope they like turnips i got nine of these babies just chuck a turnip

adam here you go happy b day it's a turnip yeah and like stuff like that even small quality license like your calendar for that you can put it anywhere you want to put it in your room that's better because then i wake up and i can look at my calendar i don't have to go into town to see when doug's birthday is also there's a doug in this game doug and doug by the way becomes and i'm not going to spoil this story but they're for a certain chunk of it it looks like and this is not a joke it looks like doug's kind of going to be the sephiroth of the story like doug is doug is established as a sort of violent rival at one point it's like your name's fucking doug stop it you're doug um there's a lot of there is some like good old old-fashioned craft around the edges of this baby item selection is very annoying like trying to

farm when you have to get into your pocket and get out your, like, the first thing you do when you come in is there's rocks. Okay, well, I gotta take out my hammer and walk around and smash each individual rock and then take those pieces back to the thing. And then I have to get out my scythe to cut the weeds. And then I have to get my axe to cut the stumps

that have somehow grown in my farm stumps don't grow guys that doesn't make sense uh and that and there's a boss fight very early on that's just like brutally difficult out of nowhere and i was like i'm gonna go back to farming i don't actually need to fight this horse right now this is not fun it all does like sort of feed into other stuff though like another thing about the skills as you upgrade them uh it increases your maximum energy right and so i would have that too like i would hit boss fight which like it's kind of surprising that they are able to pull off sort of um difficulty curves that kind of are functional and and and work because i would hit a boss fight wrecked, go back to my farm and just be like, well, I'm just going to spend a little while just lining my coffers, investing in forging and

upgrading my forging skill. And maybe I'll like get some new stuff. And even if I wasn't like building a new sword to like kill this magic horse with, I would go back in there. And, you know, now I have more energy to cast more spells. Like there's God, there's so much shit in this game. I genuinely could have continued playing it while animal crossing was downloading but in my head i was like it might download faster if i'm not oh russ you absolute piece of human garbage you're about to say something actually productive i believe i was gonna say i like a lot about the game, but I was disappointed by, there are just random moments that, you know, don't feel like stuff I feel like I need to deal with in video games in 2020 at this point. Including the very first thing you do is they give you a prompt like, are you ready for adventure?

Or you're like, ooh, no, no thanks adventure. And if you choose, I am ready for adventure, it's like oh no no thanks adventure and if you choose i am ready for adventure it's like congratulations you are a boy you will play it is the worst like if you say like no thanks it's like congratulations you are a woman you will yeah not be like it's uh you know what it is it's you're in an airship and the dialogue is like, I'm flying high, baby. Or, oh my, we're so high up. I'm scared. It's like, okay, that's a woman. That's a woman.

I don't think I've ever had that anywhere. Yeah. I mean, that was not great. Obviously, anytime it came out, it was not great in 2013 when the game came out. It ain't great in 2020 when it came out. Yeah. it came out yeah there is a certain sort of i would say retro grade like not great sort of idea behind a lot of the like life sim stuff like if you're simulating life like that's a that's a thing that you know if you're gonna do it right takes a bit more nuance nuance may be more afforded

to the uh the concept by a by a sims for example that Room Factory 4 is not gonna not going to get you there I am blown away that this is how this conversation is going by the way I thought for sure it was gonna be me just like with my back to the wall with a you know guns akimbo like come on motherfuckers

but I am surprised that you guys enjoyed it even a little bit yeah we're all gonna play it until Animal Crossing comes out, right? Well, I mean, after I press the stop button on this recording, I'll never load it again. But the time that I was forced to spend with it was much more palatable than I thought it would be. Also, Griffin mentioned Porkoline.

Do want to give a quick shout out to one of the best characters in any video game. He has, every time he sees you, he has to say, he has some different variation of like, hyper hello, or super high, or fantastic greetings. The way you get recipes for cooking, forging, crafting, medicine, like whatever, is you buy recipe bread from porcelain and he'll like be like i can make three of these today and it's like porcelain i just fucking killed a magic horse and then planted a whole field of turnips so like you can cook more bread i feel like and he'll cook you this bread and he'll be like oh you want to know how to make swords better i got a bread for

that and he'll cook it and sometimes he'll be like here's your swords bread eat it and you'll learn how to make a new sword and sometimes you'll be like i cooked this one so fucking good you're gonna get a lot of new swords out of this one it's like what is this what's your process porkolay what's your are you sometimes just like i'm not fucking feeling this one oh man i didn't let it prove long enough. He's only gonna get one new sword recipe out of this bread I'm cooking. Crazy for this one. That's Room Factory 4 Switch Special. By the way, the main menu on this one could not

almost made me delete it. There's a newlywed mode? What in the fuck could that be? Yeah, I don't know. I don't i mean it's i think it's like side stories based on uh like what romantic partners you have unlocked in the main game i don't know i have not i did not dig into it um i did get very far in this game uh which more speaks to my insatiable hunger for Animal Crossing. Russ can attest I have threatened him physically, verbally, emotionally.

Yeah, it's been pretty rough. Yeah, but you came on this show and did dump all over it talking about how you do have this dope game so I think you deserve it. Yep, fair. Great. Let's take a quick break

and then we'll be right back terrified terrified of this segment very afraid of it very afraid to see what it's gonna be so welcome everybody to the second uh part of the besties this week um given the fact that we've all played quite a number of farming simulators over the years, I thought it might be worthy that we have a challenge to test whether any of this stuff is actually transferred into real world knowledge. Yes. So I'm going to task the remaining three members of the besties with milking a cow. Now, today, our resource for how to milk a cow comes from WikiHow, which I'd appreciate

you not Google at the moment because it's going to be very relevant to our discussion. But you all three, three of you find yourself in a barn. Are you going to zork a fucking cow milking extravaganza? Yeah. You find yourself in a barn and there is a cow. Yeah. I'm only going to do this if the cow's name is Russ Frushtick. You can name the cow whatever you'd like.

The cow's name is Russ. All three of our cows are named Russ Frushtick. Is it one cow or do we each get a cow? No, no, no, it's one cow. One cow. One cow with three udders. You can discuss how best to sort of handle the situation. So your end goal is a bucket of milk.

Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry. I don't want to interrupt. Have we fully decided on the name? Because if we haven't, I would prefer to call it Russ Breakfast. A true English translation of his name. We call it Russell Breakfast. Russell Breakfast. The cow.

Russell Breakfast the cow. Got it. You've named the cow. Congratulations. Your end goal is to get milk into a bucket. Yeah. How do you go about doing that? What's step one?

Can I start? Let me just take the lead here. Go for it. Get a bucket. Good start. Griffin? Nice try. Put the bucket here. Go for it. Get a bucket. Good start. Griffin? Nice try. Put the bucket under cow's milk zone.

The cow has kicked your head and you're dead. Next. Am I out? No, you can come back to life. It's fine. Chris, use your turn to give me medicine. Chris, use your turn to give me medicine. He's thinking about it.

This is tough. I'm dying on the fucking floor next to you, Chris to give me medicine He's thinking about it This is tough I'm dying on the fucking floor next to you Chris Give me medicine But I do want that milk And that is Like you're not Like healing you is not a huge part of my goal Right

Like What would you do I would heal my friend Chris Plant Who's dying on the floor Okay Okay I think I I kind of like weakened at Bernie's style, lift Griffin, his body, which I don't know if it's dead or alive at this point.

No, he's rolling for safe. You should not. He's still alive, but not great. I lift his body and I use his hand to calm the cow. Everybody knows that's step one. You calm the cow. Mm-hmm. knows that's step one. You calm the cow. Mm-hmm. Okay.

That's very good, Chris Plant. The cow is now calmed. Okay. Good. You really shouldn't move. If somebody sustains a head injury, you really shouldn't move them. Got it.

Got it. Got it. Well, sorry, we already did. Justin? I'm gonna rub my hands together to get them nice and warm. Because I feel like a cold hand would be not great for the cow.

Okay, so Justin rubs his hands together. Griffin, how are you doing? I'm gonna roll a d20. Okay. I got a five. I think I barf on the ground. I don't think I'm doing very good. You are not doing hot. There's a little bit of blood running from your mouth. Guys, I'm dizzy and I smell smoke little bit of blood running from your mouth. Guys, I'm dizzy, and I smell smoke.

It smells like burnt popcorn. Help. Okay. Griffin reminds me I'm really jonesing for popcorn, so I go to get a Jiffy Pop. Okay, you're bad at that. Plan is out for the next two turns because he's going to get popcorn.

Justin? I gingerly kneel down next to Russell Breakfast, and I take two of his udders. Okay, Russell Breakfast has kicked you as well. No, he's calm already. You said he's calm. He is calm, but you've missed a crucial step in the process okay so to confirm so he's kicked you you're not you're not incapacitated you're just injured

you can't use your left arm okay okay um i don't know no griffin roll roll to pick yourself up uh that's an 18 okay you are picked up and feeling a little bit better okay i look at just on the ground i say i don't think boy cows make milk i'm pretty sure we this isn't gonna happen for us i'm still out so uh it's justin's turn i i've missed a crucial step. I mean, have we determined that this is a milkable cow? I can confirm that Russ' breakfast is milkable, yes. Okay. Milkable cow, okay. But I've missed a step here.

It might be his prostate, but he is milkable. I rub antibiotic gel on my hands. Ooh, good move. I think I remember seeing that on a thing one time. Okay, I like that. Good work. Reading rainbow, man. WikiHow says, clean the teats with soapy water and iodine,

so I'll count that as you're disinfecting your hands. Okay. So that's good. Okay. Griffin, you're now up. You can act. Okay. Okay.

I sing a sweet song to the cow. Okay. A milking song. What. A milking song. A sort of traditional milking folk song from my people. How does that go? I'm gonna milk you. I'm gonna milk you. That's not very gentle.

You're getting Jiffy Pop. You're getting Jiffy Pop. Get out of my fucking space. I sing, Sweet child, sweet child child give us the cream have a sweet dream as we take away cream you don't need the cream you have too much cream let us get it out and sleep tonight so and did that work yeah russ breakfast is standing, but his eyes are slowly closed like he's falling asleep. Wait.

Now share! She. Because it is a milkable cow, I already confirmed. Yes. Chris Plant has returned from popcorn. Oh. Really? Yeah, it's Plant.

Go, you're back from popcorn. I think this can help. I feed the sleepy cow some popcorn. Oh. Yeah, because they have to have the food to make the milk. Okay. The cow is now awake and is confused. Okay.

Got it. Got it, got it, got it. Okay. Okay. I'm going to tell the cow to sit down. Okay. The cow does not understand English. Griffin?

But did it understand my song? That's important. The spirit of your song, not the actual words. There's something we're missing. Oh, no, no, no. I think I... You can discuss among yourselves what you think. So I think there are a few things here that we need to do. Okay.

We need to make sure the bucket is under the udders. We need to make sure... I think, is there like a way that we restrain the cow? Maybe like put the cow into some sort of milk harness. Oh, or I'll just hold it really tight. I'm going to hold the cow... I'm going to hold onto the cow really fucking tight in a way that it knows

it's not going anywhere, but it doesn't feel trapped or scared. Cause I kind of got my head up on it's like head. I'm just like still singing, like still singing a sweet song and I'm just holding it so fucking tight and strong. So it's this guy's, this cow's not going anywhere.

I should say, I should say WikiHow recommends that you secure the cow before milking so generally they recommend like tying it to like a gate but in this case we'll count Griffin as the gate I got it I put on an entire camouflage

outfit including full camo face paint like solid snake I lay down, I shimmy underneath the cow, undetected, and then very, very quickly, I reach up,

grab the udders, and like, cha-cha-cha-cha-cha, like try to get as much out as fast as possible. Yeah, if we do that like a few dozen times, we're gonna get a bucket full for sure.

No doubt. Yeah, absolutely. So the cow has now flattened like a pancake on top of Chris Plant, who is now suffocating. Oh, God. A little bit of milk is dribbling out both sides of the cow.

Hey, all right. Hey, that ain't nothing. Which is good, but it is on the ground. It's not in a bucket, so you really haven't accomplished your end goal yet. Is the popcorn okay? Chris Plant is dying, I should mention. He needs to roll saving throws.

Griffin, can you roll for me? Yeah. Wait, you don't have four to five d20 within reach of you at all times? I got a six, Chris, so that's one failure. That's not great. Justin, this is going pretty bad. Is there any other way?

Let me just sort of ask this question. Wait, what did Plant try? He put on a ghillie suit and tried to solid snake the milk out i guess the question is like are the udders the only sort of vector through which milk can be obtained from cow this is i am really interested in where you're going with this i'm not i don't have a plan there's no intent behind that i'm just asking a sort of physiological question. Wait, wait, wait. Are you suggesting that we could pop the cow? I don't think that that's where my head was necessarily at, Chris, but I love where you're going.

I pull Chris out from underneath the cow. Thank you. Okay, good work. Chris is still dying, but that's fine. Griffin? Is the cow standing back up now? It's like half standing. I'm not going to spend my turn making a cow stand up.

No, it's on its way up, so you can make a move while it's starting to stand up. Do we need to be wearing some sort of workman's gloves of some kind? I put on some nice farming milking gloves. If this was Zork, you would get plus 10 points for putting on gloves. Okay. Is that my action? Putting on gloves?

That's a half action. Okay. Let's do another half action. Now that the udders have been smashed to the ground, I want to spend my turn cleaning them up again because now they're dirty again, aren't they? Yes. Great idea, Griffin. Plus five in Zork. right no no more bullshit no more popcorn no more goofy jazz

let's get serious about milking this fucking space cow yeah i have it it's the obvious thing that all of us have seen what a milking cow looks like we pull up a stool. A stool. None of us were sitting on stools. Love it. Love it. Okay, who's pulling up the stool? Or is it all three of you? I pull up the stool. I pull up three stools for all three of us.

I put gloves on all three of us, too. Terrific. Okay, so everyone's wearing gloves. You're sitting on three stools in front of where? The elders? No, to the side of the cow. Which side? Facing. Oh, shit. How could side facing oh shit how could this possibly matter

how could this no i'm gonna because my dominant hand i'm gonna face the uh i'm facing the udders like what do you mean whether it's on which side of the cow the starboard wiki house seems to think that it matters so i need i don't know which one okay i'm the left side of the cow i'm on the right side minus five points no my left oh you're left okay so the right side of the cow great okay right so i'm on the right side of the cow i cup its udder and i start squeezing for milk wait wait hold on one second which teats are you grabbing what which juice 10 and 2 dude this is a trap it's 10 and 2 which teats am i a trap. It's 10 and 2. Which teats am I grabbing? I'm starting with the front teats.

And how many of them are you grabbing? Many. Yeah, baby. No, I'm grabbing two at the same time and milking them on alternating patterns. Russell Breakfast, you make me wish I had three hands. Justin does great work. The milk is starting to come out, but it's only a quarter of the way filling the bucket.

So we need more milk. Griffin, what do you do? Go get three more cows. There are no more cows on the farm. It's only Russell breakfast. The next two udders, right? Maybe we give it a little break. Okay, you're going to chill out on the milking?

I don't want it to like, I mean, have we gotten all the teats? I think, no, yeah, I think we moved to the next two. Next teats, baby. Next teats. Okay, you're moving to the next teats and you start milking? Yes. Okay.

Plant, are you milking as well in this period? I mean, we're going one at a time. It's not three men milking one breakfast. Okay, it's not. So what are you doing during this period? The bucket is now half full. We're very, very close. I move to the final set of teats.

Okay, and you start milking. How many teats does that have? Let's just... No, wait, stop. Nobody say anything. I'm going to count to three, and then after I say three, everyone is going to say how many teats they think that a cow has. Ready? Yeah. One, two, three.

Eight. Four. Four. Eight? You know it's not right. There's some part of you that knows eight's not right. No, it has to be eight because Fresh said that we got a quarter of the way off two. Oh, my God.

Do you understand that, like, it's, okay, I guess not. Do you understand that the milk is not coming from the teats themselves? There's, like, a container above where the milk comes from. This is great. If Griffin and I continue to do this, we will win. Just let us, all Plate has to do this, we will win. Just let us do it. All Plante has to do is take an inaction. Yeah.

So complete this adventure. Plante has to stand idly by and nod and say, yo, that's good milk, y'all. Okay, my turn. I don't even know if I'm alive at this point. But with what energy I have left, I cheer on my friends. Thank you. Okay, Justin and Griffin both get a morale boost.

The bucket is now half full. No, it was already half full. You already said that. What, you guys have been still milking that whole time? Just still milking! Okay, so when do you stop? This is a crucial question. When do you stop? When the cow gets mad, right? Ideally before the cow get mad

here's when I stop when the bucket is like three fourths full just cause it'll keep leaking out there and I want to catch all the dribbles I'm gonna say this is a trick question I stop when the cow empty

when the cow empty there the cow is correct when the cow empty that's there's no point in continuing this exercise because I don't want the guys I don't want the other juices in this cow I want one specific juice and when it runs out my transaction with the cow has completed Griffin is correct you stop when the cow empty and you have found yourself with a full bucket of cow milk. Congratulations. Yay.

Chris Plant, unfortunately, you died in the process, but both of you, congratulations. Hey, you got it. Worth it. I love milk. You can't make a cow milk bucket without breaking a few plants.

And that's the lesson. Video games teach you things. Sure, sure. I think actually in this scenario, Dungeons and Dragons taught us a lot more about milking a cow, but the exercise stands. Well Sure, sure. I think actually in this scenario Dungeons and Dragons taught us a lot more about milking a cow but the exercise stands. Well done Russ. Thank you for not inventing a character

for that segment. My pleasure. We asked you, the people for your favorite farming game memories. I enjoyed this one. My little brother has been obsessed with farming games for a long time I'm more of an RPG person

myself but my mom knows nothing about video games when she asked what he wanted for his birthday and I said farming simulator 15 she refused to believe it was real him and I went as far as to show her playthroughs and she thought it was all an elaborate prank who would want to farm in a video game

aren't video games supposed to be fun she said I still think she believes we lied to her. That's a cool mom who I'm way on board with. Yes, video games should be fun. Yeah, God, we didn't even touch on Farming Simulator, huh? No. I've never

played it. Yeah, I think the only thing I can think of is that Skrillex Farming Simulator mashup video, Bangerang, that was so hot and like fucking 2011 when it first came out back when memes were just getting started this is a tweet from Alexander Saint-Pierre recently my wife has been hooked on Stardew Valley sorry Justin the sheer number of hours we both poured into the game now has honestly pushed us to getting another switch for the household so we can enjoy playing it together also the new animal crossing i we actually got a number of uh replies like that that farming simulators were games that introduced

people to video games it's so funny for uh for wonderful the show rachel and i do we were gonna we're doing like an animal crossing episode and so i gave her one of my old 3DSs and hooked her up with it so she could and she does not play video games and she has played that game every single day for hours a day for like the last 45 days like it's it has gotten her hooked up and I know yeah like I know so many people like that who like Stardew Valley is the only video game that they play, uh, which I think speaks to like what a unique sort of slot it fills in the, in the whole gaming space.

Uh, yeah, it seems to be one that if it, if it hooks you, um, it, it deeply, deeply,

deeply hooks you. Um, this one is from shell said, uh, uh, harvest mood on wonderful life was one of the first video games I owned that was mine, not my siblings. And I lost a whole summer to it as a child. It's amazing because that game is like pulling teeth.

It does not feel good to play it for a lot of reasons. But I was still content to sink over eight hours a day into it sometimes. And I feel like it says a lot about the game's ability to make you feel like it's important. Cut to May 2016. It's the week Cut to May 2016. It's the week after I graduated college. There's stuff I need to do in town, so I'm the last one left in an empty house waiting out the lease. I've just broken up with my significant other.

The town is totally empty. I sleep on a bare mattress. Stardew Valley exists. It takes everything I was weirdly obsessed with in Harvest Moon and makes it an actual playable game, which is delightful and feels good. I have a hard time explaining to people how this was simultaneously one of the best and worst weeks of my life. Every day I would live off leftover pizza and pink

wine from Walgreens while farming continuously from wake to sleep. The catharsis was necessary. I still adore this game. And that is something kind of interesting, the big difference between Animal Crossing and Stardew is the nature that you can grind the hell out of stardew you can play for 19 hours a day if you want to

and that's not possible unless you time skip but it's generally not possible in animal crossing games it forces you to only play for an hour or two a day which i think is part of the reason why casual people get into it is because you can just like slot it into your daily routine and it doesn't become like a total time suck but then again people play a ton of starter too so yeah but yeah it's easy to i remember spending you know hours long sessions trying to like build my like completely insane ancient fruit wine vineyard that took like you know 30 hours of in-game time to put together because i wanted to be a billionaire uh because i'm broken inside yeah y'all next week yes it is going to be a potpourri of video game

fun we do not have one game each of us is going to bring something that we have been enjoying that we already skipped uh during the past few months why are we doing this because doom and animal crossing still aren't out yet hey these games are good i don't want to undercut it we're bringing some very good i'm stoked about my game more more importantly juice and i are about to go out of town for a while uh so we're we're stockpiling a little bit which is a little unfortunate because next week I actually think is when we start to get the first sprinkles of the GameStorm that's coming with Neo and Ori. But we'll have to find time to talk about those a bit later on. We will slot them in, I promise.

We will. But it is kind of a throwback to like old format besties just for one week, which is kind of fun for longtime listeners. So enjoy it. Enjoy it. drink it in uh also you can uh uh uh say a big thank you to spotify for bringing this show back and i'm assuming you already did in a sense because you were uh kind enough to uh follow and listen for free on spotify if you would be so kind as to tell the world that you're listening to it and join this show. So Spotify keeps letting us make it.

That would be just sublime of you. And we really appreciate it. You can also email us if you want to. This wouldn't be an email specific to next week's show because we're about to record it, but you can email us at mail at besties dot fan. you can also follow us on twitter at the besties pod and the uh top pinned tweet will tell you how to uh join our newsletter that is the first place you'll learn about new episodes and topics for future episodes and potential merch like a t-shirt that says yes russ breakfast

is milkable we should come up with a name for that it's like the best of the besties or the cream of the russ either way from that mailing list uh that's gonna do it for us so be sure to join us again next week for the besties because should the world's best friends pick the world's best games. The Besties is a Spotify original podcast in association with Vox Media. The show is edited by Jelani Carter. And our theme song is by Ian Dorsch. Besties!