The Biggest Problem in the Universe - Episode 108

Episode Date: October 2, 2023

Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls from all around the world, it's The Biggest Problem in the Universe! Welcome to the biggest problem in the universe! The only show that ranks every problem in the universe from sunk fallacy costs to Maddox Lost! Maddox Lost! I'm your host, Dick Masterson. Joining me as always is Vito Giswalde. Hi, Dick. I feel like I'm giving a press conference. Today's news...

Sorry, I raped that girl. Here's your $4 million wave. What's the most offensive thing about that joke that I just made? Which part is it? Is it the rape or the helicopter crap? It's the rape. How you guys doing? Good.

108! I'm so glad we're doing this show so I don't have to be on Twitter talking about Eric July for two hours I know you would rather be on Twitter talking about Eric July I know that wow guys

when we first started this show we never thought we'd get to 108 episodes but here we are what a show what a show. What a show. No, I won't do the radio voice. This show, honestly, I never thought I would get a Biggest Problem episode 108, but here I am.

This is a press conference. You finally got an episode 108. Thank you all, but most importantly, the most important piece of this puzzle, the guy that made it all happen, because nobody else could take as much abuse as Vito has taken for two years. A big hand for Vito for making this possible. Thank you. Whenever I think 50% is too much for him,

I was like, man, this motherfucker's making a lot of money. I'll go read the comments on the latest episodes. Oh, wow, that's really mean. I said, woo-hoo. If he's not enough, it is enough. It's fun to go back to episode one where they're like, wow, I hate this fat piece of's fun to go back to like episode one where they're like wow I hate this fat piece of shit and then you go to

like episode one and they're like I don't know that fat piece of shit is growing on me but he's still a fat piece of shit they always explain

exactly how they hated you in the I like Vito text yeah it's always you know Vito grew on me I used to fucking hate him I used to stink about what a sick pedophile he was.

I wanted him dead. They wanted me dead. Burn all of his Funko Pops in front of his face. And now they're like, I'd let him fuck one kid, but that's... Anything more than that? Thank you, guys. I think we've got a great show. And the community is great.

And this sounds gay. Why don't we... Did anyone get attacked outside by a fentanyl addict? Yeah, any homeless? Not yet? Oh, let's see. Is that door locked? Let me keep it open a little bit

because somebody gets wild in here. Like a Chrissy Mayer repeat show. Somebody handed me this. Where's the super killer guy? Is he here? Yeah. Super killer is here. Come on. Get up here real Yeah. Super killer is here. Come on.

Get up here real quick. Super killer is real. Wow. Look at this. That's really good. I'm looking for an Armenian. You're looking for an Armenian? No, no.

If anyone asks you to kneel on a black man's neck please don't do it for optics purposes I know we did there's been long discussions we didn't get the sense that you believed us there's this look in people's eyes sometimes especially fans

I think you think I'm joking and then I think maybe I am like, I think you think I'm joking. And then I think, maybe I am joking. He knows me better than I do. Did you give me this backstage? And if you lean in really close, it says Oh, no.

It says, does this smell like fentanyl? In really tiny letters. Alex made that. Are you working with Narcan? Is this a promotional material? Thanks. It looks awesome, though.

Yeah, yeah. Thank you for coming. Does everybody get in their problems for later? I know where the work gloves are. I'm going to take that down for now. Yeah. Sean is not here. That's what he gets. Yeah, he has the flu.

So he said. I don't know. I said, well, come. Just get them all sick. Fuck them. Stay away from me. So, sorry about that. Maybe you should have gotten vaxxed. Double boosted. Okay, so I have a little bit of...

I have some audience stuff before we start into the show properly that I thought would be fun. This is the... This is a game I have called Feed Vito Trivia. Wait, what? I didn't agree to this at all. If you get it right, this is trivia.

If you get it right, you get the candy. Because Vito's got to weigh in today. Why are you booing? What the fuck is that? And if you get it wrong, Vito gets the candy. Wait, if they get it wrong, I have to eat candy? This is bullshit. No, you don't have to eat the candy.

Okay. Man, I might have a nevel. Anybody want to do some biggest problems? Who will be the winner? All right, right there. So this is the question. What's your name, sir? Tom.

Tom, everybody. Give him a hand, Tom. Tom. Sir. Tom. Tom, everybody. Give him a hand. Tom.

What was the name of the man who assaulted Vito at Netflix? I don't even remember his name. Fuck. What is it? The audience can help you. Oh, I do remember his name. I'll give you a hint. I'll give you a hint.

Scott, no. No, no. Do you remember? Joe Cristalli. He tried to grab it out of my hands. Give me. Bonus points. Bonus points. Who wants the next one? Bonus points. Who assaulted me? Does anybody remember that guy's name? His actual name? Yeah.

I mean, Antifa Smurf, but... Oh! Who got that? That was Eric Boyd. Eric Boyd is correct. Okay, here's another trivia question. Real quick, before we do that one, I do want to remind everyone that the Frasier reboot is happening and Joe Cristalli, the guy who assaulted me, is attached.

So anytime you see anyone talking about the show, be sure to remind them that the head writer is a violent psychopath who attacked your favorite Internet comedian. Favorite. Shut up. Okay, who wants to do the next one? This is a really tough one. All right.

Fucking slouch over here on the couch. What's going on? Wow. What a seat. Everybody else looked at that couch and said, like, no, I'm not man enough to sit on that couch. You won't sit on it. Yeah, it's a fucking couch. He's got the best seat in the house.

According to Vito, what does non-offending mean, and I need the exact... God damn it! I need the exact wording. The exact wording. The exact wording. It means dot, dot, dot. Pedophile, you.

Ranking the existing laws is a no-no thank you we understand it me and my fellow pedophiles. No. Almost got me. Almost caught me slipping. Okay. Here is a, according to the votes, according to the biggest problems board, what is a bigger problem? Is it the 19th Amendment or traumatic brain injury?

19th Amendment. Dick, injury? 19th Amendment. Dick, there's a microphone we can give to the audience somewhere. Do you have it? Oh, yeah. Yeah, so we can pass that around if people want to be heard on the show. Okay, that's a good idea. Yeah. Well, 19th Amendment, everyone was right here.

Wait, which one's worse? What were the two options? I didn't hear the question. You don't get any candy this one. No, no! Alright, oh sorry. Fuck you guys. Now here's, okay, according to the biggest problem board, the voting board where you guys vote on the problems, what's a bigger problem? Who wants to do that one? Let me get right there. Is it pedophiles or the IRS? IRS? IRS! Yes!

Yes! Yes! It's a close one too, but yes! That is insanity. Still way worse. Well, I don't know about way worse. It shouldn't be close. Don't put me on paper saying that.

Okay, what's a bigger problem? Who wants to do this one? Okay, yo, right there. Give him a mic. Come up here talking to the mic so people can hear you. People on the internet need to hear you. Say your name and then... Call me Claptrap. Colin Claptrap is here.

Destroyer, I love your bunny ears. I got them just for you. I love them a little bit less after you said that, but I still love them. What's a bigger problem, according to you guys? Is it Vito's Twitter account or autism? Vito's Twitter account. That's correct. God damn it. Okay, next.

Next time I get to come up with some trivia questions. Is it Vito's? Who's next? You, sir, with the rook hat. Is it... Not you? Give it to somebody else. Well, ask the question and then they'll... You gotta ask the question first. No, no, no. Okay, what's your name? Koof. Koof's here!

Thank you for not killing yourself, Koof. Thank you for not killing yourself. Is it Vito's Twitter account or famine? Probably Vito's Twitter account. famine? Probably Vito's Twitter account. You're correct. That's correct. Anybody else want to do one of these? I think everyone knows it's going to be Vito's Twitter account.

I think I figured out the bit. Okay, here's the last one. Last one. One more. One more. One more. Right here. I see you leaning forward.

I'm going to grab you. There you go. There you go. Well, you got it now. It's you now. You're the man now dog what's your name will will is the according to you guys what's a bigger problem in the universe is it hitler or come come come come come you're correct yes i mean that's what you guys decided. I mean, I do dislike cum, so I can't argue with that one. Sorry, what was... Jesus Christ, goof. There we go.

Okay, is that... What are we doing now? Let's see You know what? Did you have some comments or something to read? Oh yeah, I do have comments So these are comments from the last episode This is a legit episode

What was that giggle? Jesus Christ I've always wanted to do this my whole fucking life Hey Tex, are you in show business? No Then get your boots off the stage Oh, that was pretty good This has been the greatest week of my life.

You know what that's from? I don't. Blazing Saddles. Ah, you're right. I did know that. Can't make that movie today. Okay, this is from Schlingos. Okay, I'm not a Ralph fan, but putting that music over Eric's gibbering was a stroke of genius.

Are we allowed to say gibbering? I'm allowed to say it. Anytime there's two consonants next to each other in reference to a black person, I get nervous. Elevated it even further here by Vito's lyrics in Dick Stansy. Sad Potatoes said, giant novelty scissors? Try that in a small business park, motherfucker. Laughing my ass off. Eric July getting chased around his warehouse

by a troll with giant novelty scissors in a Clockwork Tower sequel is something I never knew I needed. I have... Can you come up here, Riley? Riley's here. Big hand for Riley. We're up here for Riley.

Riley! Riley! Riley! Riley! Riley? Riley's here. Big hand for Riley. We're up here for Riley. Riley! Riley! Riley! Riley! Riley! Here he comes, the man he is. Come over here. Wow.

I have something that I want to present to you. Okay. Okay. By the way, I'm Young Clipper 69 now. That's my new rap name. Young Clipper 69. I'm a professional rapper. I pulled up. What does the 69

stand for? His is 59. Mine's 69 because it's nice. Is he really 59? Young Ripper 59 is his YouTube name or some shit. It's a Royster 59 reference. He's bad at this. These are incredible and you have fake blood.

Yeah, it says on it have a nice day. Wow. I says on it, have a nice day. Wow. I just wanted him to have a good day. I can see why he has to take you seriously. Yeah. But can you smell me from where you're at? Not at all, no.

How do you feel that you have led to the destruction of Nick Riccata's channel? I don't care. Fuck you, Nick. Fuck you. You call me fat. Fuck you, Nick. Fuck you. You call me fat. I'll pull up on you next. No, no. Leave Ricada's warehouse alone.

Oh, my God. All these kids live in that warehouse. Are you... What will be... Have you prepared for being shot? And what will be your last thoughts going forward? Oh, yeah. No, no, no, no, no.

I saw that tweet. You're not... Look, the only reason I would ever say the N-word to anybody. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. That's the only reason I would ever say that and it's only if he's killing me. If I'm exsanguinating, I get to say it. You have to not say that word. No, because you have to make it seem organic.

Like, you just got shot and you're like, oh, now all of a sudden. I can't premeditate my last word. Strike that from the record. Don't bring this into court, Eric, please. I'm never getting a TV show. It's just not.

Stop it. Stop it. Jesus Christ. I want to present this to you on behalf of The Dick Show and The Biggest Problem in the Universe and subsidiaries and our news organizations. It's the Employee of the Month. For my acceptance speech, I would like to thank you, Noel.

Thank you, Noel, for making me the Employee of the Month. I never would have set off on this journey without your explicit approval of my behavior. Jesus fucking Christ. And I will keep impressing you until you die in Serbia. Very happy for you. Thank you. Thank you for this honor.

Thank you to Riley, who is now officially an employee of the show, apparently. That's great. Oh, yeah. Does this mean I'm the producer of The Biggest Problem, too? Yeah, you're the show. Why not? Okay, cool. I gotta say it on legal documents.

Don't rip of me, okay? Maybe. Well, thank you, Riley, for, you know... I hope your reign of terror comes to an end one of these days. If you ever want to terrorize me

by taping $20 bills to my door well I understand I'm really I'm going to do vandalism on everyone's car I'm going to give everybody a dollar I want to say this while everybody's watching I just want an apology Eric

say you're sorry for flagging me and I don't have to come back with Frank Castle and Ethan Ralph in November that's the fucking deal dude if you don't say to come back with Frank Castle and Ethan Ralph in November. That's the fucking deal, dude. If you don't say sorry, we're coming for you. I disavow on so many levels. Thank you, Riley. Thank you. There's nothing that would strike fear into my heart

more than you three lumbering out at the sunset because you're waiting for night so it's criminal mischief. You and Ethan Ralph with his cowboy hat. I'm not gonna lie, if Ethan Ralph, Frank Hassel, and Riley show up to your place of business,

you've fucked up somewhere in life. You did something bad. Just clothes. Yeah, it's not good. Okay. Well, that's fantastic. Any other comments that we had here? Oh, yeah, wait. Maybe I do have comments. It's harder to do in this. This theater's a lot nicer than what I'm used to.

This reminds me of when I did the Vegas show. I'm like, oh, I'm not as expensive as this theater. This is a great theater. Guys, we are in the world-famous Deaf Noodles Comedy Club. And I got to remind you all to subscribe to Deaf Noodles on YouTube. Thank you for hooking us up with this venue, Deaf Noodles. Yes, and he's got these two beautiful women, like, engineering the whole thing backstage.

Yes. It's very intimidating. the whole thing backstage. Yes. It's very intimidating. Mitch Gooch says, it really felt like Dick and Vito were the USA and Russia on the verge of a nuclear war

and Eric's meltdown is the giant squid from The Watchmen that staved it off. Eric July saved the show. And I saved independent comics. Yes! Dick saved the comic book sphere

by defeating the evil Eric July. Alexander says the suicide jokes on this episode are on the level I've only heard from other morticians. Holy fuck. Were we making suicide jokes? I did five minutes where I pretended to have a gun in my hand. Oh yeah, that was pretty good.

You also said Dianne Feinstein raped you as a child, which I went back and I rewatched. That wasn't a joke. That wasn't a joke. That wasn't a bit.

She did. Okay. And then she did it again. Okay. Well, I feel like we've covered this already.

Kevin H. says, I absolutely hate the internet for entirely misrepresenting the Dunning-Kruger effect. Oh, boy. I'm not going to give him the

satisfaction. No. Fuck that guy. Okay, that's all for my... Fantastic, Dick. Well, you know what? That kind of makes me want to do a segment. One of my favorite segments. One called Vote It Up! Vote It Up!

All these internet shows are such trash Like Hack the Movies and Who Are These Podcasts That Tony is a clown And I think Carl has downs But thankfully there's a podcast that's made just for me Filled with transphobia, racism, and misogyny Singing I wanna vote it up So go to biggestproblem.show baby

I wanna vote it up If I don't they're gonna kill my family Ha ha ha ha Guys, vote it up as the segment where we revisit past problems and put them in a new light. Dick, do you remember back all the way, this is crazy, from episode three? Wow, yeah. The problem of women banging psychopaths. Yes, I do remember that one.

I think you brought that one in. Well, Dick, the UK's largest prison has been hit with a staffing crisis after 18 female members of the staff have hooked up with inmates. The record figures uncovered in Freedom of Information requests come after three of the women ended up in court over the illicit filings. Those relationships took place over the last six years at a privately run jail in Wrexham, North Wales. Among them was Jennifer Gavin,

who took 150 euros to smuggle a phone into Robert Alex Coxon's cell and filmed herself fucking him across many months, And filmed her pussy in her Robert Coxum. Oh, I got a phone in my Robert Coxum. And filmed herself fucking him across many months, selling the videos online. Gavin later pleaded guilty to misconduct and was sentenced to eight months behind bars. Wow. So he talked a prison guard into fucking him and then talked her into also selling? Well, you got to make a little bit of money, right? You gotta pay the commissary's fees.

I guess. What are they gonna do? So, women fucking prisoners. It's been going on. And that is currently problem number 37. Wow, that's high on the board. That's it, man. You guys like prison documentaries? I love that shit, but I wanna see a pickup artist prison documentary, right?

Because all they have... I mean, that's what I... to see a pickup artist prison documentary. You're in prison all day. One female guard. Yeah, all you're doing is trying to hook. You're like, hey, babe, we should fuck. She's like, haha, you're so funny. And then after six months of that, you wear her down. She's like, all right, I'll just suck his dick once. And then they start breaking him out of jail and shit.

That's the best ones. Well, then you realize, oh, no, now I'm in the worst relationship ever. Totally. This is fucked. I'm stuck here. I'm stuck here. If she wants to bitch about her day, I can't tell her to leave because she's in charge of the cell. I'll just rat her out.

Yeah, exactly. Well, that's how you get out of the relationship. Now I'm in a totally normal relationship, I've realized. Well, another problem, relationship, I've realized. Well, another problem, Dick, from episode 69. It's the problem of... Nice. Thank you. It's the problem of starving artists.

These are these scumbag artist morons who can't understand when they've lucked into something good and shut their mouths and take the money. An example of those people might be country sensation Oliver Anthony, also known as the rich Man North of Richmond singer, who made the decision to cancel his performance in Knoxville, Tennessee, because the bar hiked prices up to $90 a ticket. He says, well, I don't want to charge more than $40 a ticket, ideally not more than $25 apiece.

However, the venue says that he charged them $120,000 to perform at the bar and that they had to make the money back in ticket prices. So apparently this guy cannot do math. Which makes sense because his stupid song was all about how he doesn't know

how taxes work. I think $40 is way too low for a ticket, don't you guys? Yeah, you guys. $40 a ticket is bullshit. You think it should be way more? It should be way more money. What's up with you, Dick?

It's no liquor fee, right? Everybody's drinking, having a good time. Oh, yeah. Did anybody mule it in? Did anybody, like... It was all on the bunny back there? No, he tried. Mules!

He tried. I don't know if we're supposed to talk about this. Anyway, I'm glad everybody's here having a good time. Darren? No, he tried. Mules! He tried. I don't know if we're supposed to talk about this. Okay. Anyway, I'm glad everybody's here, having a good time. And thank you for listening to my Voted Up segment. Hit that second one. I want to vote it up. So go to Biggest Problem.

That's your baby. I want to vote it up. If I don't, they're gonna kill my family Ha ha ha ha Gotta do the laugh Wow, that's great You know, Dick, what's so great about making it to episode 108 Is that it really feels like an accomplishment

And part of the reason it feels like an accomplishment Is that I've seen prior podcasts that didn't make it that far. You know, some people seem to stumble and fall right around episode 107 of sorts. Well, these 107 episodes have really flown by. They've really gone quick. You really have no idea how badly and painfully this show can go. gone quick. You really have no idea how badly and painfully this show can go.

Well, I don't want to bring out bad memories, but I'm going to bring up bad memories. Welcome to the biggest problem in the universe. The show where we discuss every problem in the universe from best of shows to no more shows. That is a clip from episode 107, the final episode of a podcast

that for some reason has the same name as this show. I don't know how that happened. That was a show where a certain individual named Maddox introduced us to the end of shows, as he calls it. Let's listen. With over 6.7 million downloads, this is the only show where you decide what should or shouldn't be on the big list of problems. I'm Maddox, with me is Stereos, and Sean, our audio engineer. Hello.

Guys, welcome back. That intro problem was not a joke, unfortunately. This is the final episode of The Biggest Problem. Wow. Now, Dick, you told me that you have never listened. It's in the shows.

That's not a joke. Guys, to preface this, Dick has never listened. It's an hour and a half. Dick has never heard the final episode of The Biggest Problem in the Universe. Yeah, okay. So you were not invited to be on the last episode for some reason. I couldn't make it.

You couldn't make it. You know what? What if I actually was invited and I just said no and I've been lying this whole time? No, that's not true. Did you guys all listen? Who heard that episode live when it came out? Did you think it was a joke?

I hoped it was. Oh, you hoped it was? It's unlistenable, by the way. It's like terrible. I listened to it before the show and it's just Maddox going,

well, you know, we did a really good job. And Asterios goes, you did do a good job. well, you know, we did a really good job. And Asterios goes, you did do a good job. The whole fucking episode. Making a podcast is really hard.

Yeah, people don't know how hard it is, Maddox. You're the hardest working guy. I'm like, Jesus Christ. Suck that Armenian dick harder. Not to throw shade at Asterios, who's a great comedian, of course. Yes, you're definitely throwing shade at Asterios, who's a great comedian, of course. Yes, you're definitely throwing shade at Asterios. Well, I mean, like, bro, okay, here's, if the show

ends, you just end the show. You don't do a last episode where you awkwardly... It's not MASH. Yeah, exactly. And if you know the last episode is going to be awkwardly tiptoeing around the fact that the main co-host just isn't there anymore, when Maddox called up Asterios and says, hey, I want to do an insane episode where it's some alternate reality where Dick never existed,

you go, yeah, no, that sounds stupid. I don't want to do that at all. It's like Eric Gillespie. So the money that you spent on the comics, that's the same as what you brought in, right? The answer's yes. Well, here I have a... Do I have my shaft? Let's see here.

Who is the man with the comic book? What do you see, Nick? What do you see, Nick? All right. Here's a... I don't know... Eric! We're not allowed...

According to some commenters, we're not allowed to do that voice. I don't know if we are or not. No, no. I didn't bring this comment in. Somebody said, I thought that voice you guys were doing was, like, over the line. You know, racist. Never. But then I went to go listen to his channel, and he sounds exactly like that.

I'm like, yeah. Well, Nick, when I was pontificating about vis-a-vis... What it is. What it is, what it is. What it is, what it was. All right, are we going to do another Eric Gilles show? Jesus Christ.

All right. Back on episode 107, here's... I need those gems. Well, here's how you got your first gem, Dick. This is a trip down memory lane. Let's see what the problems were on that episode. So this show is ending. Two weeks ago, when we took a break, that was not the intention.

Not the intention. We fully intended to come back. But the show has run its course. And, you know, I think we've solved it. We found the big list of problems. We got every single problem in the universe. Yeah. We have every problem ranked.

So that was the answer was, well, we have all the problems. Hilarious. The show has run its course. Did he make that up on the fly? I have. That is a terrible explanation. Just say I've had a horrific falling out. Or, you know, come up with some way.

Why was Asterios interrupting that heartfelt sign-off the entire time? Dude, Asterios, if you want to listen to that episode, it's again... I kind of do now. The whole episode... I was like, we could do a whole bonus episode on that episode because it's literally just Maddox being like,

and I've got a new podcast coming. And Asterios goes, wow, I'm sure it'll be as good as your last podcast. I'm like, no, not at all. Let's see. What was this? goes, wow, I'm sure it'll be as good as your last podcast. I'm like, no, not at all. Let's see. What was this? Actually, guys, we should just just I want to say thanks to all the guests who've been on the show. Oh, he wants to thank people.

This has been a fantastic run. A hundred and 104 consecutive episodes. Not a single break. I have not taken a single vacation the entire time. Almost every single episode. break. I have not taken a single vacation the entire time. I have not edited almost every single episode. 103 out of 104 episodes I edited. He also says

he edited every episode, which he did. He didn't need to do that, but he did. I have not taken a single vacation. I didn't take a single vacation. Because you're fucking lame. That's why. Oh, that motherfucker.

The best part was he goes, I edited every episode. Sean helped, too. Yeah, Sean edited and it was done. But then Maddox weirdly took it and did his own edit. Yeah. Isn't that a weird thing, Vito, that someone would do? Or, I I mean an episode that's...

Yeah, it's not exactly the way to do it. Now, as I'm listening to the episode, as I'm sure everybody was, you know, as he's thanking everyone

who's been on the show, you know, I keep waiting for him to obviously thank the man who was half of the equation to thank the great Dick Masterson

for making the show happen. Let's see who he thanks exactly. Special thanks to Lindsay Kaytai. Asterios, you were one of the writers. Yeah. Who else? Nathan Buckley. Nathan Buckley, I believe. And there was one other person. Yeah, Justine Barron. Oh, Justine Barron. That's right. Yeah. Justine Barron. Yeah. So thank you to everyone

who helped. And I'm sure there's a ton of names I'm forgetting. Who else are you forgetting? Fantastic. Yeah. One of my good friends, Justin Donaldson. Thank you. One of my favorite people in the world, Justin. Wait, wait. Yeah. You know what? Fuck it. It's the last episode. I'll even say thanks to

Now who is he about to thank? Who could he possibly be about to thank? Fuck it, it's the last show. And you know what? Fuck it, it's the last episode.

I'll even say thanks to Tim Chang's... Wow. Wow. Well, at least Tim Chang got thanks. Isn't that good? I mean, I do support that. You do support that. I would like him to be last. Point is, guys,

we've made it to 108. It is a big accomplishment. I'm so glad to have my hetero life partner at my side. We survived pedo accusations. We survived so much. False flagging people

on purpose. It's all been stuff I did, unfortunately. I'm trying to create less controversies. And then Tony from Hack the Movies forcing us to get into a fight with a black comic artist. It's all his fault. Oh, yeah. Thank you, Tony from Hack the Movies. Pull the mic forward.

All right, like that. Chad's complaining? Guys, if there's... Oh, fuck yourselves, like that. Chat's complaining? Guys, if there's... Go fuck yourselves, everybody. Are they super chatting? Complain with a super chat if you're going to complain at all. No, no, it's good when they tell us the audio's bad so we can fix it. Well, anyway, guys, that was the last show.

We got a new show. We love the show. Is that all the clips you have for me? Yeah, I only brought in a couple. That's very lazy. We got a whole bunch of other stuff to do. We got a fucking hour and a half of material. Well, okay. Here's what you don't know.

Do you know that final episode is a clip show? Oh, it is? Yeah, so it's just him and Asterios going, wow, what a great podcast. It is a great podcast. Wow, I worked really hard. You do work hard. You got a new podcast? I do.

Now let's listen to some clips. And then it's like an hour of clips. It sucks. He didn't even do a whole episode. Why would he force himself to listen to me to clip it to make a clip show that nobody wants to listen to? So it doesn't even make sense.

What a fucking weirdo. He refuses to mention you and then he immediately starts playing clips where you're obviously half the conversation. So yeah. He's insane. And now I

know what to do. Wait, what happened? That's actually one of my problems is waiting to release the name of the venue until the day before. That was Vito's idea, I think, mostly. Well, I don't want a guy with giant clippers to roll up and tape money to the door.

But then when we announced it, Mint was like, oh, our hotel's like 20 minutes away from that. I'm like, oh, yeah, that's our bad. Yeah. I walked in from my apartment. Wait, wait, wait, it's not that far from where everybody's at. After party at this guy's house. Hey!

Okay, are we going to do problems now? I think we do problems now, right? Wait, who won on the last episode? I mean, it's only been a day. Oh, wait, that's the wrong one. Do you think we could get away with doing that here? What is it? I'm looking.

Here it is. Here it is. The winner of last week. Well, yesterday, you mean. Yesterday. Whatever. Shut up. The winner of yesterday's show was, I know it was Vito, but I lost the thing.

What, I won? Yeah. What was my problem? The Texas one? I thought the Texas one was losing. I know it was Vito, but I lost the thing. Wait, I won? Yeah. What was my problem? The Texas one? I thought the Texas one was losing. No, it was the other one. The other one that you brought. Oh, not having enough bread at the table.

Wait, what won? Somebody help me. Somebody go to the, just go to the website. Oh my God. Sorry. I thought you won. The Dunning-Kruger effect won. You're the winner

How about that Okay Even though waiters who bring the table An uneven amount of bread is clearly the superior problem Shut up My problem My problem is the Wow that was a very expensive toss for you Why did I hit somebody in the face My problem is the... Wow, that was a very expensive toss for you.

Why? Did I hit somebody in the face? My problem is the government shutdown cock tease. Because, you know, I'm a normal guy. We're all... We can all agree. The only thing that we really want is just for the federal government to be annihilated. Never be gone. It's a reasonable... I just don't want them to have to go to work anymore. It's a reasonable...

I just don't want them to have to go to work anymore. That's it. Yeah, it's real altruistic. We can still pay you. Just go home. Don't show up. Don't do anything. Stop voting.

Never vote again. Please. But every time this happens, I think they just passed a thing, so they have another two weeks or another two months to figure out how to take more of our money to keep going. Every time, I think maybe, you know what? I'm a hopeful guy. I'm an optimist.

Maybe this is the time it's actually going to shut down. It shut down before. Wouldn't it be great if it shut down again? Come on. Forever? Maybe this will be the time. Forever. The government would never just shut down forever right away. They would shut down for a little

bit. And then it just keeps going. And then the fires start. Stop calling her back. Yeah, I'll call you back. Is that black guy who pulled the fire alarm on your side? Was he trying to get it shut down? Yeah, that was awesome what he did. If only someone could pull that fire alarm every day.

I would settle for that. You got to knock the cameras out first. They caught him like immediately. Oh, yeah. If you catch the government, then they stop doing it. Yeah, exactly. They're really afraid of that. So I looked at what will happen in a government shutdown.

I thought this was interesting. Will I continue to receive my Social Security? Yes. Oh, okay. Will Medicare and Medicaid be interrupted? No, not at all, no. Medicare and Medicaid would continue to function. Okay.

Do military personnel continue working? Yes. The Department of Defense will continue. Okay, well, thanks. Wait, with the government shut down? Yeah, I mean, that makes sense. No, it doesn't. I mean, the president's still working.

When? I don't mean... Whatever. You need the military going during a government... He's the commander-in-chief. I mean, if he wants to blow something up, you can tell him to do that. Well, I don't really mind that one guy.

It's pretty much like everything else that I have a problem with that it's still going on, the Department of Defense. Here's... Dick, why do you hate the government so much? They provide us with so many wonderful services. They steal our money.

Yeah. These fantastic roads we drove on to arrive at the venue. The DMV. How much do you think roads cost? The lights that light the roads that we drive on. Your roads are shit. Sewers, which you're not allowed to use.

Yeah. Because you're a criminal? Will student loans continue to be dispersed? Yes. Pell grants and federal direct loans will continue. Oh, we can keep giving the government's money away. Yeah, does USPS still deliver mail? Of course.

Yeah, what do you mean? So what actually does shut down? What is the impact on small businesses? A federal government shutdown will impact federal loans to small businesses. Oh, okay. Oh, okay. I guess we found something that they stopped doing. Will immigration applicants still be processed?

Yes. What? They're funded by. No. Be funded and not impacted. Do national parks close? It doesn't even matter. Have you seen the videos lately?

Like, getting into this country looks like a fun, like, game. Where you're like, ooh, this razor wire is like a joke. There's kids crawling under it, like a fun tunnel. Did you see? It looks like a fucking Chuck E. Cheese. Why are there so many cameras for that kid being thrown bold

through barbed wire? And the barbed wire doesn't even matter. It looks fun. I have to expect fun characters in jungle gyms you gotta climb across. What kind of characters? A weird Mexican mouse. Speedy Gonzalez? A weirder one?

Silly Gonzalez? Jose E. Cheese. Cousin of Chuck. Okay. Do you think you could cross the border? I would love to see you cross the border. I mean, they should have a course that you can try.

Can you make it across? Even those buoys. Remember those buoys where there's chainsaws attached to them or something? And I'm like, oh, cool. They have these clearly not chainsaws. Okay. Chainsaw type devices.

Yeah, chainsaw type devices. I think that's what they call it. There's, like, this moat, and they have these, like, plastic barriers across it. And they're clearly attached by, like, this metal thing. And they said, like, yeah, well, that, like, has, like, serrations so that, like, if, you know, I don't know, seaweed or string or something gets in it, it doesn't, like, clog up the whole thing. Yeah, seaweed. I don't know what seaweed or string or something gets in it. It doesn't clog up the whole thing. Seaweed. I don't know what it was. Whatever.

They said, well, it makes more sense than it was designed to chop Mexicans to death if they tried to swim under it. When they said it's a chainsaw type device, I'm like, I'm sure that serves some practical function other than ripping the limbs off Mexican children for trying to take a swim. But not according to MSNBC. So you liked those things. They're cool. I'm okay with some border security.

And if it's like serrated and knives and stuff. I think if you can't get around like a laser turret, then why do we even want you picking our fucking graves? If that was at the border, that would be enough. The Eliminator. There should be a guy with a tennis ball cannon.

And the tennis balls could contain acid. And if you get hit by the acid. Whatever, man. You got to scar these kids so they know. They got to take it seriously. If you're coming for the border, you're going to get some scars. You should not want to scar kids, Vito. Do national parks close?

National parks remain open. Okay, well, I guess that makes sense. They're outside. I rely on food stamps like Snap and Wig while I keep getting my food stamps. Yes, Snap would continue during the month. How do I get some food stamps? I'm just like, I'm tired of paying for food with money. I'd rather pay with prize tickets.

No, I get it. Yeah. It's like a poor person arcade. You get to go to the grocery store like, ooh, if I save up, I can get a lobster. It's emasculating to have to pay with money. I don't want to give you money for this food. I want to give you a stamp. If the government is giving out

prize tickets, which I can use at a food arcade, I feel like I want to be part of that experience. I feel like if I go to Carl's Jr. and get food, I shouldn't have to pay with the same money that I use at a regular restaurant. Yeah, exactly.

I should be able to pay with fun money because I'm getting garbage food. Yeah, I'm 100% on board with this. And then if you don't use your stamps, you just give them to homeless guys. Like, oh, here's some stamps. Great. I don't give a fuck about these stamps. I'm not going to eat Carl's Jr. all month. It sounds fun.

I'm not giving you a dollar, though. I understand why people want to be poor. It's more fun. You get to live in a colorful neighborhood. You get to pay for your food With prize tickets I'm sorry What did you mean by colorful neighborhood?

I'm thinking of like you know Piñatas Piñatas are colorful And bounce houses and shit The Cosby kids man they had all sorts of different colors they were wearing yeah okay

did you ever see the episode of the Cosby kids where one of the kids is retarded I did see that one yeah like Fat Albert goes to his teacher and he's like what's wrong with that Wilson kid and the teacher goes Fat Albert he's retarded what's wrong with that Wilson kid? And the teacher goes, Fat Albert, he's retarded. And she just says it straight

out, and you're like, man, the 70s were cool. Retarded? What does that mean, teacher? It means he's dumber than you, Fat Albert. Well, gee, but got to gee. Okay, we're in trouble now. Alright. That was a Cosby impression. That was Cosby. Okay, we're in trouble now.

That was a Cosby impression. That was Cosby. No, he's a rapist. You can say whatever you want. Yeah, thank you. He is a rapist, so you can make fun of him. Do you remember the episode of Fat Albert? Was he acquitted? I don't think he was acquitted.

No, he got it overturned on appeal. The government said, oh, we violated the rules of prosecuting him, so we have to let this rapist go. And everyone was like, well, that makes sense. You know, we have all these rules

for a reason, so obviously we have to let him go. And Bill Cosby went, zip up! Zip up! Zip up! Zip it up! Yeah, you guys definitely have to do those rules. See ya. The whole system would fall apart if you didn't do that. I think it's fun that he's out on the street.

Who knows what he's going to do next? I mean, we all think. I don't think women think it's funny. I'm sure he's minding his... I don't want to get in their sick minds and try to figure them out. Give him a reality show. See what happens.

Who? Bill Cosby. Love is blind? I would give him a dating show and he would teach other guys if you put the zippity zoppity juice in the lady's drink, she gets all zappy-cappy and falls asleep. And that's when you drag her into your bedroom and do whatever you want. That's the show.

There you go. This is what happened to our treatment. My treatment was correct. So the government's shutting down, Dick. Yeah, that's my problem. That's a good problem. Come on, man. Just don't tease me with it anymore.

Just shut up. Stop cock-teasing me. Whatever you have to do, make it infinite. Make platinum coins. I don't fucking care. Just stop putting in the news where you tell me the government's going to shut down because it's never going to shut down. I don't want to give... Stop fucking playing with my emotions.

If you want the government to shut down, you've got to do something about it. That's what January 6th was. Prepare to go to jail because you's never going to shut down. I don't want to get stop fucking playing with my emotions. If you want the government to shut down you got to do something about it. That's what January 6th was. Prepare to go to jail because you can't say that shit anymore. You're fucking

in recoup. I'm not saying I want it to happen but I'm saying those guys you know they try it. I don't want it to happen either.

A wink. A wink. Well Dick here's my problem. As we all know you know I'm a healthy guy. Give me those.

Guys, I've been trying to eat. Thank me for the snacks, please. Thank you for the snacks. I can't fucking believe he said I never went on vacation. Was that for me? For Vito. What did I do?

A big thumbs up for me? I've been trying to eat healthy, guys, because we've got the big weigh-in coming up. So what I do is I get the beef and broccoli from the Panda Express. That's good! It's got not as much calories. It's not fucking healthy at all.

Yes, it is. Chinese fast food? No, it's not. Yes, it is. You can healthy at all. Yes, it is. Chinese fast food? No, it's not. Yes, it is. You can look it up. No, it is not. Look it up. Is that healthy? No.

Oh, I guess everybody's wrong. Everybody who looks skinny out here is fucking wrong. It's protein and vegetables. I guess you're right, Vito. We're all fucking stupid. Protein and sugar. They don't put that much sauce on it The rice makes you fat that's what you don't get that much rice

Fucking sugar in the fucking sauce. Is that that much? Look, I'm going to look up the calories right now. It's the fucking sugar in the sauce. Hold on. Call me an idiot. Idiot! I love you, Vito. What are you looking at? Shut the fuck up. Just turn the selfie camera on.

I applaud you for the broccoli. You guys are going to feel stupid in about a second. No, we will not feel stupid for saying it's not healthy. How many calories do you think is in the beef and broccoli? It's not like made of calories. It's made of things. Okay, but calories in, calories out, right?

Well, you tell me. Don't! Wow. This audience sucks. Fuck you guys. Alright. You know what? Show over. Everybody leave. Alright. One order of the Panda Express Beef and Bro broccoli is 150 calories.

It's not bullshit. You can look it up right now. I just looked it up. I'm better at nutrition than everyone in this room. Think about that. You guys are actually retarded. Wow. Well, the Dunning-Kruger effect.

That was one last week. Can I get to my problem? The problem is... Oh, you found your problem. Shut the fuck up. Shut the fuck up. Okay. Is this my show or is this your show?

Okay. We're never going to get through this one. 150 calories? It's 150 calories. That's nothing. It's not a lie. Go look it up. It's a lie.

It's a lie. It's a lie. It's a lie. It's a lie. It's a lie. It's a lie. It's a lie. It's a lie.

It's a lie. It's a lie. It's a lie. It's a lie. It's a lie. It's a lie. It's a lie. It's a lie. It's a lie. It's a lie. It's a lie. It's a lie. It's a lie. It's a lie. It's a lie. It's a lie. It's a lie. It's a lie. It's a lie. It's a lie. It's a lie. It's a lie. It's a lie. It's a lie. It's a lie. It's a lie. It's a lie. It's a lie. It's a lie. It's a lie. It's a lie. It's a lie. It's a lie. It's a lie. It's a lie. It's a lie. It's a lie. It's a lie. It's a lie. It's a lie. It's a lie. It's a lie. It's a lie. It's a lie. It's a lie. Eat a fucking Snickers.

You're not yourself if you don't eat a Snickers. Do you only eat one of them? It's a serving. They give you a serving. So that's your lunch, 150 calories. Well, I think they give you the... Shut the fuck up. I think they give...

Let me talk. Let me talk. I think they give you two servings. You get one. I think they give you... Because it's You get one. I think they give you... Because it's like a... It's a plate. So you get two options.

I get both of them, the beef and broccoli. So that's 300. Plus some white rice. Plus some white rice. And I don't eat all the white rice. How much is the white rice? I don't know how much the white rice is because we're not talking about the white rice. My problem is not rice, you cocksuckers.

All right? All right. Here's the deal. And then what's the sauce? The sauce is part of the calorie count. Really? Just infinity sauce you can put on? You can't.

They just give you the amount of sauce that it normally comes in. Okay. All right. The problem is they don't give you enough meat. They don't give you enough meat. They don't give you enough meat. Guys, this is true. Hold on. That's true.

Guys, I know we thought this became a participation show, but it didn't. Shut the fuck up. We are not allowed to stay here forever, so let's get through it. Okay. My problem is not enough meat at the fast food restaurant. Oh, that's true. Okay.

Thank you. You get the orange chicken. And I don't get it, but I used to get it. It's all breading, right? We know this. You pick it apart. There's no chicken in there. Or What do you mean, used to? I'm saying like back when I was, you know, fat. It's also a big problem at the Chipotle Guys, who's running into this?

Thank you Thank you Now, you go to the Chipotle And you go, yeah, let me get a chicken burrito Right? And they go like, two pieces of chicken Do you do it like a drug deal? Well

You gotta take advantage. If you're a fat guy, you got to lock eyes with the guy at Chipotle and you got to go, come on, look at me. He goes, yeah, yeah, yeah. I do the exact same thing with bartenders. Yeah. Just you describing it really hit me in the stomach. Oh, man.

You got to look them right in the eyes. You got to go, bro, if you just order at Chipotle, they fuck you. But if you go, brother, look at this guy. Let's go. Come on. Do you think I got here with your normal serving size? No. Let's go.

Hook me up. Sometimes I drink the first one fast and come back so they feel emasculated. There you go. Like they have to fend me off with more liquor now thankfully apartment list employee dylan gross has done years of study and how to maximize the size of his chipotle order and he has some common that you can use okay now a common hack is if you know you're going to get a double meat burrito, get a single meat burrito. After he puts the first scoop on,

go, you know what? Let me get double meat. Then he's locked into the scoop side. Fucking Superkill is so excited about it. Superkill knows what's up. That way, he goes, fuck, I have to match the original scoop, where if you had asked him for double meat off the bat, he would have gave you two half scoops.

Boom. Roasted. Also, order a burrito bowl with a tortilla on the side. Apparently, doing this gets 50% more ingredients across the board. Then you can just wrap it up yourself. Or, if you go half and half

on meats... That guy goes great. Great. I'm trying to help you guys maximize your food stamps, you cheap bastards. Wait, do they take food stamps? Man, I really want some food stamps. Yeah, they must. I don't want to spend money anymore.

Yeah, stamps are way more fun. I want to spend McDonald's coin or something. Take them to Chipotle and get yourself a burrito bowl. Point is, guys, I'm tired. I got an order of the beef and broccoli, and there was like three minuscule pieces of beef. It was all broccoli. Maybe it's good for me, but I think I got fucked,

and I'm tired of it. You're describing a feeling of non-over-satiation with your food? Yeah. Like I wish there was 150 calories. And then I'd eat a couple Snickers bars to feel normal again. Yeah.

But that was when I was fat, so... Everything's fine now. What's your favorite Vito food problem? Anybody? The drive-thru. This one. The drive-thru? Oh, having to wait behind

people in the drive- People of colorful backgrounds. That's worse. I think that's okay. Colorful backgrounds? I think that's right. Yeah, anybody else? Favorite food problem? French fries suck.

I should have clipped that. Maddox brings up french fries in the final episode. Yeah. Mysterious busts his balls, but I have to say this one time I agreed with Maddox. French fries are a waste of everyone's time. Why? Why? You guys just gave me shit for eating rice

and now I can't dislike french fries? Fuck you guys. Because you're lying. Alright. Dick, do you have a second problem for us? and now I can't dislike french fries? Fuck you guys. Alright. Dick, do you have a second problem for us? Can you imagine if you guys spoke to Maddox in that way? What he would be doing? Maddox, he would fucking start crying.

Feel free to neg Dick even slightly. Yeah, go for it. I hate you guys. You guys saw how that worked for Eric. You got a second problem for me, you motherfucker? Oh, yeah, yeah, sorry. All right.

Here's a, I don't know what to call this one. It's employees who, it sounds kind of, I don't know, it sounds like a douchey way to phrase it, but it's employees who act like your friends. Not your own employees. I got that. No, not coworkers. Hello?

Wait. Hello? Oh, no. Oh, no. What? No! Oh, no. Oh, no. No! Oh no! No!

No! No! No! No! Boo! Boo! Boo! Hang on, I got a... I've got a thing! He's already niggling me. What am I supposed to do with this? What is this?

Where did I put that thing? I feel like I'm being niggled. Ah! Okay. I prepared notes. God damn it. God damn it. God damn it! You had the whole show.

I thought there was a pebble in my shoe. Of course. It's the niggler, everybody. Yeah, we figured that out. We knew. Woo! How fucking dare you not invite me to episode 108? Yeah.

Why would we not invite the next one? You son of a bitch! Okay. You left me! You left me all alone in Arkham Asylum after I was deported back to Peru! You fucker! What does that mean?

Just let him go. If you ask him any questions, this is going to go on forever. Don't encourage him to improv. It's Arkham Asylum that you're from also? What did I just say? Don't ask the Nickler questions. Ever. Ever.

How dare you! You too go after the man who was supposed to be the Jesus of comics, my hero, Eric D. Delight!

Alright. I'm sorry, Niggler. I'm sorry. How could you? It's torturous interference is what you've done. I can't believe that's your bit. That's incredible. You rabbit.

What happened next? Anyways. By the way, we have to clean up all this stuff He shot those poppers off Great I'm so excited That's a very It's a niggle I'm niggled

Go on It says, fuck you. That's a pretty good one. That's a pretty good niggle. Why am I starting to feel like Steve Harvey on this show? But little did you know that I had a hand in ruining your reputation amongst all the right-wing grifters. Oh, my God.

Ever heard of an account called Ripper vs. Gold Post? Wait, you're behind the Gold Post? That's you? Oh, my God. That guy's been niggling to you for months. That account is the definition of niggling me for months. That account is the definition of niggling me. Yeah, Jesus.

I did not approve this bit, by the way. Nope! I was talking to you all last night and you had no fucking idea, Vito, you fat idiot! That's not a niggle! That's just me! Did you have that right? God damn it!

It says queer! It says queer! What did I think would be on it? Why did I grab it again? You're all excited about it. It's a good thing now. It's a good thing. Oh, I got one.

Oh, fuck you. Okay. Thank you. Thank you, Niggler. That's my speech. That means the speech is starting right now. Yes! Where'd it go?

Whatever. This one just says, keep it up. Yes! Where'd it go? Whatever. This one just says keep it up. How is that a niggle? I lift your spirits up in that only to bring you... Shut up! All right, well, thanks for dumping Glitter on the stage. Get out of here. Now I have to clean up.

All right, I'll leave. I get it! You don't want me here. You don't like me anymore. No, Niggler, no. We love the Niggler, right? Hey. No, no.

Niggler, Niggler, Niggler, Niggler. Stop chanting it. We're in downtown Hollywood. Jesus Christ. That is way too close. You guys are not allowed to chant that in this part of town. It is. Jesus Christ.

I don't think so. Now I finally get Maddox's point. All the neighbors are now calling in like, hey, I think there actually is a Nazi gathering going on. Get out of here. Get out of here, Nickler. Get out of here, Nickler. Get out of here. Get out of here. Get out of here. Get out of here, Niggler. Get out of here, Niggler. Get out of here. Get out of here.

Get out of here. No! He got us again. He got us again. He got us again. Did you ever think you would meet the niggler? In person? It never came to my mind, no. Who niggled the niggler?

Whoa! He's been a specter in the shadows for so long. Of your mind. Coming face to face with the man himself. An enigma. Yeah, he's an enigma. He's an eniglarma. No, that doesn't work.

Okay. Do you have a problem? That one just says the F-sword. Look at the size of it. He was really cute when he wrote it. Yeah, well my problem is when I got Riley's Employee of the Month thing, I got that picture printed out at the CVS, like, pick up your photos now thing. Like, this will be easy, right?

This is a good one. You are gay. Okay. They're very well. And I show up, and it's one of those employees who's like, of course, the picture's not there, and it's one of those employees who's like, of course, you know, the picture's not there, and everything's broken, and it's just women shouting at each other.

And the one's shouting there, and she's like, well, you know, these people, they come in, and they print stuff, and they don't realize they have to take their time. I'm like, yeah, yeah, yeah. And she's yelling at the other one, like, well, you gotta get going right you gotta get they you gotta get going and then every single time she turns to me and says um they just don't know

they just don't know just wait like who's she's talking the other the other employee okay like yeah i mean um don't you are the problem we're not on the same team. You're on the opposite team of me. You're saying employees dragging customers into their drama. Yes. You know what it's like working at a pizza hut. You're like, no, what? Look at these idiots. They're fucking up your pizza.

You're fucking up my pizza. You're the one that fucked up the pizza. And then finally I wanted to get the perfect picture for Riley. So I got three pictures so I could see what it looked like on that Employee of the Month thing. And the printer jammed, so she had to print them again. So she gives me three pictures and then two duplicates. And she says, I'm only going to charge you for three. Wow.

And I said, what do you call this that i'm experiencing now because i think that's called a parasocial customer relationship yeah maybe that's what it is i really fucking hate it it's like me and the guy at chipotle i'm like buddy how we doing yeah i feel like i'm that's going the other way though they're not bringing that to me i'm bringing that to them the i think they're just lonely these people yeah i don't want that like taken out on me yeah that's i know get away from me you ever meet like the cool guy working in a shitty job and he feels like the need to like make you think that he's better than the job he's working at yes yeah like when like you go to like the starbucks he's like hey how can i help you out, buddy? And you're like, I don't know.

I'll just get a caramel thing. He's like, yeah, yeah, cool. Hey, yeah. Oh, you'll put that band on your shirt, huh? Yeah, I'm in a band, too. And you're like, oh, fucking Christ. Oh, my. He's like, you know, this isn't my only thing.

I got a lot of stuff going on. Yeah. Yeah, I bet, buddy. My mailman gave me a flyer to his band that was your mailman and i i was just filled with panic oh god you like just ultimate poker face do not react in any kind of way to this like because otherwise he'll throw out your mail you know yeah exactly he knows what the good stuff is that I need and all the garbage. He'll just dump garbage.

You took the flyer and you said, this sounds terrible. He'd be like, all right, well, you're missing half your Amazon packages from now on. Well, I'll try to get here to this thing. I'll try to get to your cool thing. Try to get to it. It looks cool. So you had an encounter with a CVS employee who tried to work their way into your life. It took like 40 minutes to get that stupid picture for Riley's thing.

But it was worth it. I think they just wanted to be your friend. Well, yeah, that's a very horrible... Sometimes you want a friend at these locations. At CVS? Well, maybe not CVS. You can call my gal. She works down at the CVS.

I'll get you in for him. I was at the Goodwill, you know, like the thrift store. Yeah, yeah. And this guy goes, hey, you're that guy from the internet, right? What, really? Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's like a Goodwill worker. And I'm like, yeah, yeah, yeah.

He's like, all right, wait here. Hold on. And I'm like, what? What? No. I'm out of here. Yeah, well, I should have left. And he went in the back, and I was waiting for like 20 minutes.

And I'm like, why am I waiting for this guy? Yes, this is exactly what I'm talking about. Yeah. And then he came back with a can of Pepsi, and he went, remember that thing you did? And I'm like, I waited 20 minutes for you to go find a Pepsi in the back? To do a bit? To do a bit? He's like, yeah, yeah.

It's funny, like that video. And I'm like, all right, cool. Thanks, man. And then I never saw that guy again. But then you have to react appropriately because if you don't, you might get killed. Yeah, exactly. Right? Yeah, you might come to my house.

I live in that neighborhood. What did you say? Thanks for the Pepsi, bro. He was really proud of himself. I think he was mentally not all the way there. You think? He was like, can I wait 20 minutes? I'm like, yeah, sure, man.

From the video on the internet. No, was he? And I said, I love you. And I said, okay, well. No, he was like, I don't know. I'm sure. He's probably listening to the show right now going, I am not retarded. I have an important job in the community. The niggler brought a whoopee cushion.

I've been truly niggled. They inflate themselves now. Did you know that? Did you know that? I'm aware of that, yeah. But it's not as good. Why are you aware of that? I mean, I've seen that. It doesn't sound as good. It barely makes a noise. You have to sit on it.

I don't want to deal with that. I'm not going to sit on it. Sit on it. No, you hooked it in. You hooked it in. I hooked it into what? Let me do it. Okay, you want to put it under my ass?

Stand up. Yeah, you got to stand up. You got to stand up and say, oh, I'm so happy to be home from work. I just ate so much beef and broccoli. All right, that is pretty good. That is surprisingly good. All right.

All right. Oh, why? Fine. Like Tiger Woods. It's time for my problem. Do it again. Do it again. No, we're not doing it again.

Shut up. What a stupid bit. Are you done with your problem? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sorry my lowbrow stuff is fucking taking up your time. Your problem of I went to CBS and had, oh, there's a lady. Good problem. There's a lady is most of my problem.

Yeah, well, fair enough. Here's my problem, guys. I look out at this audience. I see a criminalized sobriety hoodie. I think I saw some Dick Show shirts kicking around. There we go. There's a Dick Show shirt. You know what I don't see?

Oh, you cocksucker. Any biggest Problem merchandise. My problem is lack of Biggest Problem merchandise. Now, he probably did. So before this show, I said, Dick, we should really make some shirts for the fans. Yeah. I went out and I got an artist. He made a cool wrestling thing. Everybody negged me about it.

Sorry, what did you just say? Okay. Some people like it. Look, it wasn't everybody's cup of tea. And I said, well, that's fine. I'll just print up some basic black t-shirts with the logo. Yeah. So I find a print shop.

They give me a great quote. I go, Dick. That's so much work already that you're describing. I said, why don't I make like 100 shirts? Here's how much it'll cost. And what? There's only 50 people here. Well, there's only 50 people here, he said.

And he said, 100? Like, what an idiot. 100? 100? Okay. 100 like what an idiot 100 okay so when you make an item you make it in bulk because this will not be the only live show we ever do in the

future we'll have rolling stones over here fair enough I don't sabotage every podcast I'm on by fucking the fucking girlfriend of my co-host so so sabotage every podcast I'm on by fucking the fucking girlfriend of my co-host. So... So... I feel like I'm able

to sustain it. Maybe you feel... Maybe you feel like it's gonna fall apart at any moment, because I don't know what you're doing secretly, but I believe the show has longevity. Am I in a self-defense situation right now? No, no. Is anyone from Texas who can advise me on what to... Tex? So I was gonna print fence situation right now? No, no. Is anyone from Texas who can advise me?

Tex? So I was going to print 100 shirts, because we could sell some online, we could sell some here, we could sell them everywhere. Dick goes, 100's too many. I go, well, okay, I'll just print 50 shirts. How about 50 shirts? Dick goes, 50 is too many. No, I said, well, who's going to sell them? Not my girlfriend. I said, I will sell them. Go ahead. You said, I'm going to sell

them before the show. And I said, well, we kind of I'm going to sell them before the show. And I said well we kind of have a lot to set up before the show. Like you know. Point is I then tried to call Dick multiple times. Voicemail no. And you would not pick up your phone. We only because the guy I had to put

in a rush order. We only had one week to get him in and he didn't pick up his phone and I said well I guess I'm not making t-shirts. in a rush order. We only had one week to get him in. And he didn't pick up his phone. I said, well, I guess I'm not making t-shirts. But then I said to myself, you know what? Fuck Dick.

Because he's a dumb motherfucker who doesn't know what the fans deserve. Who wears a large? Large! Large! Alright, one more! Alright, fuck you. There you go.

That was the farthest you could throw, this guy? Who's got an extra large? Extra large, come on! Fight over it, you fucking animals! So, Dick, I have in this box some custom Biggest Problem in the Universe t-shirts. Let me see them. These are great.

Look at these. Wait, you didn't get them printed? You drew these? Yeah Why didn't you just print them? Because I didn't have time to print them I even signed every one There's not 40 of them

And I don't know how much we're charging for them But you gotta give me money, I mean, come on 10 bucks You hear that? You hear that guy? Fuck you. This is beautiful custom merchandise. We'll figure it out.

Give a donation to the show. You can have a t-shirt. But point is, guys, we do need to make some legitimate biggest problems. Oh, Jesus Christ. It needs to happen.

Yeah. Look, I know you have already cashed in with your years of podcasting glory. Ooh, $20,000 a month for my stupid fucking weekly show. Me and my buddy Sean just shit on each other, and I talk to Ethan Ralph. Okay? Now we got a good show. Is this a merch booth now?

All right, these are pretty good, though. I pay you back for making that poster cost so much in Philly. That was Carl that did that. For the $1,000 posters? We were both late. No gay hops on me, folks. No gay hops. Oh, my God, this is a car thing?

Okay. Okay, this is way better than the T-shirt. That's awesome. It goes in your window. Okay, this is way better than the t-shirt. That's awesome. It goes in your window. Oh, you're not getting a free t-shirt now, you dumb motherfuckers.

Say, I love Vito, and you get a large. Who's a large? There we go. Hey. No, because you called me a piece of shit. You don't get anything. Well, now everyone's getting a t-shirt. No one a flag. No, no this audience doesn't deserve any merchandise Okay, so wait what is it what is this is a car window flag that you got here

got here? These are pretty sick. Alright, well these are 50 bucks. Perhaps there's some kind of deal. They look way better than Vito's shirts. 17.50 is

a good price. And guys, we'll cover the other half to charity if you buy one. We'll technically cover the other half. It's so hard not to talk about Eric's July. Actually, I was on Def Noodle's podcast right after the first Eric's July stuff happened. And he's like, what is all this?

What's going on? Well, yeah, everybody's curious about it because it's insanity. Okay. Is that your problem? Not enough merch? Not enough merch. Okay, great. Thank you. You're welcome.

We're going to have more official merch soon. Oh, my God. Guys, one fun thing about this show is that we love audience participation, which is why we have this box containing your problems. How many do we get? Are you fucking serious, Niggler? Is this all yours? Yeah, that's all his glitter that he dumped all over the stage.

You didn't see that? Like, we're going to be here with a vacuum for the next... Thank you. For the next... Oh, did it get in my hair? It did. Oh, it did. Well, then, lucky me. Yes!

You fucking asshole. Lucky for you. All right. Mexicans is the first one. Thank you for that. Okay, guys. I feel like every time we do this segment... No way!

You drew that first? Half these cards always say Jews. So... Just to let you guys know, we're going to skip those. Bathroom bums? Jews, Jews, too many Jews. Bathroom bums. What, Jews, too many Jews, Jews. Bathroom bums.

What do you mean by that? Come up here. What do you mean by that? Come up. What is a bathroom bum? Whose card is that? Oh, there we go. This man.

Look, he's got his merchandise. Shout out to Vito. Thank you, Vito. You're welcome, buddy. You're welcome. Thank you, guys. Yes, yes. Bathroom bums.

Those motherfuckers who stand in the bathroom and beg you to give them money after they give you a paper towel. You don't want them there in the first place. After they give you a hand job. At least then they'd serve a purpose. The guys who offer you the mint, offer you the condom or whatever. Wait, they don't offer you a condom. No, they do not offer you a condom. I haven't been in a fancy bathroom.

Do they still have those guys, the bathroom attendants? It's so annoying because you'll go to get the paper towel, and they're like, oh, no, no, no, no, sir. Here, here, here. That was my dad. Will you guys fucking relax about that? Okay, Jews, Jews, Israel. Here we go.

No good racial slurs for white people That's Crackers not good It doesn't hurt Now you have to ask like No no no this is going to sound I mean it's going to sound bad but You have to ask like the Japanese what they call white people

That's what the It doesn't work that way Yeah that sounds bad Wow What's going on here white people. That's what the... It doesn't work that way. Yeah, that sounds bad. Wow, what's going on here? What show are you at? Hey! Hey!

People pretending that McDonald's isn't good. Thank you. Fuck you. That's a classic fillet of fish problem right there, my friends. Here's one from Derek. When your dog won't let you try the Q-tip trick on her. It's not a trick. It is a legitimate medical procedure.

You know what I love about this? That Derek signed it like it's a work email. It's like, sick, Derek. You know, live long and prosper Derek, he, him We're gonna get through this Alright, what do you got, Dick? Shitty chopsticks, especially the ones

That don't break properly Is that a big problem? Well, when I get my beef and broccoli, I'm always struggling To break apart my How about another food problem Getting charged for ranch at a pizza... Why are you putting ranch on your pizza? Oh, everyone puts ranch on their pizza.

He does. This is a lie. Don't get fooled by what he's gaslighting you. Okay, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on. No, no, I don't. Because every time we get wings, Dick wants ranch. And I want the much superior blue cheese where my blue boy's at where

my blue boy's at yeah exactly i am a middle-aged white woman because he wants just cheese what do you think ranch is it's a bunch of soybean oil and garbage. And the nutritionist. Yeah, okay. I am. Tipping $100 to a bathroom attendant by accident. Oh. Wait, what happened? Tipping $100 to a bathroom attendant by accident. Come here.

How did you, Koof, get it? What the fuck? Koof, how did you get $100? Well, no, come over here. Don't fucking stand there. So what happened? You can hold it, but don't stand there. So in my drunken super at the bar...

You were fucked up last night. Yeah, I went to take a piss at the bathroom, and I grabbed a piece of gum, and the bathroom's attendant's like, hey, and I'm like, oh, shit. Wait, wait, wait. Why did you just want some gum? I don't know. I just grabbed it on impulse and then

Some bathroom gum? Wow. It's like Pokemon. I gotta grab this. Yeah, I gotta catch them all. But, uh, so I grab it. He's like, hey. And the only cash I had was hundreds because it's my decoy hundreds in case I get mugged in the city of failure. How is it a decoy hundred, though?

It sounds like. Well, so I was just. You got a bunch of hundreds on you right now? Not right now because I learned my lesson. Okay. So did you think it was a one? I tipped the bartender my ones and the only cash i had was a hundred worst tinder like thing ever i tipped the bartender my ones but yeah so i just gave it to him i'm like oh okay and then i walked out and somehow ended up

back to my hotel room so yeah big fuck up on my part you gave me 100 bucks yes oh man yeah he didn't stop you or something no let's go find him let's go to the that's fucked was that at the bar yeah that bar has a bathroom attendant yes you didn't go to the bathroom let's go back to the bar and be like no i didn I didn't go. Let's rough him up. No, just be like, hey, last night I gave your bathroom attendant $100. I consider that the cost of attendance. Well, did you learn a lesson about... Yeah, don't tip bathroom attendants, period. Yeah, at all.

Don't give them anything. Yeah, okay. When he goes, can you do something for me? You go, yeah, I can take more of your gum. And then just grab it and leave. Thanks, Koof. Don't kill yourself. Thank you for not killing yourself.

Thanks for the stickers. Did you give everybody a sticker? We got stickers, yes. Here's a pro. I recognize you guys from the bar last night, too. Yeah, you got kicked out. They were going to. Did you throw up? You don were gonna... Did you throw up?

Did you throw up? Yeah, come up here. What's your name? My name is also Will. Cool. You were standing right next to me. I just need

to distinguish myself. Are you still drunk? Don't ever fucking ask that question like that. You dropped your phone and when you looked at it like it was in another universe.

Didn't you also break a glass? I broke a glass. You broke a glass and then you argued with the guy whose job it is to clean up the glass. I was confused on how quickly they responded to the glass

being dropped. The guy was like, hey, just don't touch that. You went, but it's a glass. And the guy's like, hey, just don't touch that. You went, but it's a glass. And the guy's like, yeah, I know. We'll take care of it. And you're like, well, someone's got to take care of it. Right now. I can do it cheaper.

And you were arguing with the guy holding the dustpan. Like, someone's got to do something about this. He's like, yes, sir. I know. I am here to do something. I got to get in this glass. I got to get in this glass. I was just a little confused on how quickly they responded to what was going something. I gotta get in this class! I gotta get in this class! I was just a little confused

on how quickly they responded to what was going on. I know. And I, you know, in my drunken stupor, I made a fool of myself. Yeah, you really? No, no, no, no, no.

Don't be so hard on yourself. You dropped your phone and then you're staring at it and you were right exactly like this and I was looking at you I was like okay I know exactly what's going on here I said whatever you do don't try to grab it and then you went like the worst kettlebell workout ever ever done and the And the security guard's like, zip. He sees that. He zooms over.

And he's like, that's it, buddy. You've got to go. And you're like, oh! With your phone. With your phone. You broke two glasses? And I said, hey, hey, hey. Yeah, I don't remember the second one.

I wasn't there for the second one. I said, hey, hey, hey, hey. Don't, don't, don't, don't. And he goes, is he with you? I said, not necessarily. No, the one thing I do remember is you telling me I have to leave. Yeah. No, I said, I'm not telling you you have to leave, but they're going to kick you out.

Who are you here with? I think Sven? Seth. Seth, sorry. Yeah, Seth. And you said, I'm here with Seth. He's in a red shirt. He's got glasses. I'm like, okay

That's he's gonna be fucking impossible I look over the entire bar and Seth is sitting in like the empty VIP area just going like this And I said, are you fucking kidding me? Both of you? Okay, go get that. And I said to the guy who was kicking me out, I said, hey, go get that fucking guy. He goes, no. And I said, hey, just go get him. And he's like, well, I guess I'll go get him then.

So he drags you over, and I don't know, you took him out. I had to drag his ass out. Yeah, you were fucked. That was great though. Yeah, hey, I'm glad you had fun. I'm glad I made a good impression. Breaking shit. We love Will.

It's not a biggest problem meetup unless somebody starts breaking glasses aggressively. Oh, yeah. Well, someone's got to clean it up. Yeah, I know. That's why I'm here with the dustpan and the broom. We got to deal with this. Yeah, I know.

How about women who get famous showing tits and then stop showing tits? No! Fuck you! No! Did my girlfriend write that? Yeah. Why? Because she doesn't?

No. What? Oh, I don't know what you... I thought that's the joke you were making. That's a complaint. Okay. Anyway. Jews, Jews, Jews.

Okay. Eric's life is moving along. Real fucked up. All right, all right. Real soon. We got... I just didn't... I didn't completely understand.

Yeah. How about Jews? No. God damn it. Wait, what's happening? Somebody stuck this on the wall, and I looked thinking it was an important note, and it says I'm gay. They really got you. The niggler got you. The Niggler got you.

How about Ponco Breadcrumbs? There's more sticky notes? Where? There's more? Where? Hold on, hold on. Over here? The sticky notes are over here?

Are we doing blues clues now? Is that what's happening? Where are they? Where are the sticky notes? Can you help me? Are they over here? Are we doing blues clues now? Is that what's happening? Where are they? Where are the sticky notes? Can you help Dick Are they over here? Can you help Dick find El Sticky Notes?

Backpack! Backpack! There! Is it to the left? Where is it? Is this the sticky note? You're gay! You're gay! It Says you're gay.

El homosexual. That means homosexual in Spanish. Excessive shoulder acne because your testosterone levels are too high. Derek, I don't need to know this. I can't even read this one. People trying to make Britney Spears stop yeah fuck you people women

play knives what the fuck's wrong with you those obviously aren't real knives what does this say women expecting too much as written by a child maybe they expect you to learn the english language jesus christ having to exfoliate who has to wait who just said it's a thing whose card is

that super killer super killer has to exfoliate that fucks up my whole universe. You get ashy. Super Carol gets ashy. Alright, that's canon now. That's canon. No. I already got the money. I'm not gonna make a comic. Fucking idiots. That's how crowdfunding works. You rip them off

and you run for the hills. Big Leaguing about insider info for the live show at the meetup. Who did that? That was you. Who was big leaguing what? The niggler. Oh, the niggler niggled you? How sad. How sad that is.

I have a secret identity! That's the whole story. That bit will never get tired, I tell you what. Eric! Can we not do Eric? Eric, don't you call on that lawyer show? The Eric Shalai's wife. I don't sound like... He apologized to you.

The niggler's still backstage. I assume spreading glitter everywhere for us to clean up. Not enough time to... You know it, honey! Fucking niggler. Are we reading all of these? Too many hot chicks at national parks. Who wrote that?

Yeah, I did. Oh, it says, I'm gay. Too many hot chicks at national parks. Who wrote that. Too many hot chicks at national parks. Who wrote that? Too many hot chicks at national parks? No one will admit to this now? Yeah, how is that a problem? There was too many hot chicks at that video games bar last night, though.

There were some good-looking guys. One or two at a bar, that's fine because you can like obsessively track them all night. But when there's ten or twenty it's like, this is exhausting. What am I... Are we doing all of these or just the good ones? Okay,

what do you think about Vito's inability to dress nicely to anything ever? That was fine! Oh my god, that reminds me! We're coming here, we're driving in, and I said, we should have dressed like the Blues Brothers. And Vito said,

and Vito said, you're right, I could have rented a suit. What? What's wrong with that? So you don't... I don't have a Blues Brothers suit. You don't have a suit? Do you have a suit? I have a suit somewhere.

In the store? It probably doesn't fit anymore. Because it's too big? Exactly. It's too big. All right, guys. We have one. Do you have any more left?

I don't know. You have to have a suit. Pulling up at a warehouse. That's not a problem. That's a solution. Yeah. These are all dumb. What are these ones?

I think this bit is right. This bit's right. It's course. Eczema on your balls? Derek, what is going on in your life? False advertising. We have to do the weigh-in. We need the weigh-in.

It's not going to go good. I'm not taking all my clothes off. Here, put it there. Put it there. Say your name. You're the proctor of this examination that we're doing. I'm the proctor proctor. You remember what the first, what he started at, right? 310? It was 311 to like... 310.6, and then it dropped.

And it went up? I think last time you were at 296, right? No. It's not going to go good, guys. No, don't let him step on yet. Don't let him step on yet. I think last time you were at 296, right? 296.

Here, here, here. The microphone weighs like 20 pounds. Well, just talk into it for a fucking second. What am I going to say? I'm a fat piece of shit. I don't have anything else to say. And then what? I'll hold it. I'll hold it.

Fat piece of shit! Fat piece of shit! Fat piece of shit! What the fuck is this? Fat piece of shit! Then what? I'll hold it. What the fuck is this? Alright, Tom, Tom, you have to read it instantly as soon as it becomes clear. 299.2, 299.2. He went up three pounds. He went up. He went up.

Fido Lust. Fido Lust. Fido Lust. Fido Lust. It went up. It went up! 3-0-1! 3-0-1! 3-0-1! It went up! 3-0-1! Okay, one more! One more! One more! Shut up! Everybody shut up! Wait, wait. He did a copyright! He did a copyright! No, no, look at his foot! He's fucking around. He's fucking around.

He's trying to fuck around. Get back on there. Get the back on there. Get back on there. What is it? 301. 301. It went up.

Loser. Beat or lost. Beat or lost. Beat or lost! Beat or lost! Beat or lost! Oh, my God! Ah, there, there, there. That's it. That's all the show, everybody. Thank you for coming. Thank you for listening.

I'm getting back on the diet. How's that broccoli? It's going to be great. It's going to be a weird month, all right? I've been stress eating. I'm still down from the height. That's good. I love you guys.

Yeah, it's on carpet. That's the problem. Yeah, we should do it on a magic carpet. That'll help. All right, let's go get some drinks at the bar next time. Let's do it. We got to clean up here, obviously, because of the niggler.