The Biggest Problem in the Universe - Episode 11 - Sustainable Corn Dogs

Episode Date: October 4, 2021

Sustainability, Celebrity Voice Actors, Stupid Food Trends, Macho Weathermen

If you think you're going to escape the tattling, you're wrong. I've already escaped it. Okay, let's go. Good sound. I got the sound right. Like a real pro. Welcome to the biggest problem in the universe. The show that ranks every problem in the universe.

From false swagging clicks to athletic chicks with dicks. Yeah. Is that good? I'm your host Dick Masterson. Joining me as always is Vito Gisualdi. Hi Dick. Hey buddy. How's it going?

Good. My mouse is frozen now. That's my first. I got so much finger pain, I can't fade the theme music down. Yeah. Maybe we should just let it go on forever. I never know when to cut it. It is...

Yeah, it is hard to know how to do it. And then it kicks up into another gear. Yeah. I don't know how to cut that. It adds a bit of energy. It does. Yeah. All right. You want to hear what happened last week?

Yes. Two weeks ago, I guess. Yes, two weeks ago. To the drum roll. Yeah. All right. You want to hear what happened last week? Yes. Last two weeks ago, I guess. Yes, two weeks ago. To the drum roll. Okay. Tattletales, number one. Yeah. A lot of people voted on that one.

A lot of people voted on a lot of things. I mean, a lot of people voted on that one. Yeah. They were probably really angry while they were voting on it. Last time I checked, what was number two? Late Rape. Late Rape was pretty high. It was pretty high. They were probably really angry while they were voting. Last time I checked, what was number two? Late rape. Late rape was pretty high. It was pretty high.

It was actually coming in pretty close to Tattletales for a while. I think Tattletales pulled away. Yeah. Oh, yeah. I saw you say that. Yeah. Hey, they're close. Everyone go vote.

Everybody go vote. And then everyone's like, oh, yeah, I remember why I hate you. I was surprised late rape beat my other problem, though. Really? Which was number three, yeah. The trans athletes? I thought trans athletes would be a sticking point for a lot of people. Why?

Because you think this audience is full of alt-right homophobes? Alt-right homophobes. I just think it's full of sports enthusiasts who demand. This audience? Yeah. Have you seen them? Oh, my. you can't miss them. Blocking out the sun in some

cases. I'm not saying they're playing the sports. I know, I'm about to get recognized. The sun will go into an eclipse. My governor will say, is there an eclipse scheduled for today? No, he's a fan of the podcast. Well, at least I didn't have the number four problem because, uh, yikes.

Was that a negative? Did that end up being a negative that's such bullshit i think that's your first negative problem on the board bullshit they're saying people are saying that finger pain is a solution that's what a negative problem means that it's a solution i don't know if that's what it means i think it just means it's not a problem at all and you're no no no no no no cry baby for talking about it a one is not a zero is not a problem at all and you're a fucking pushy crybaby for talking about it. A one is not a problem. A zero is not a problem. It's a negative. So people are saying

it's a solution. That's how fucking stupid That's not how it works. It's not a solution. That's how it works. You downvote ones that are not that big a problem. Not a problem.

It's still a problem. It's just most people think it's not really a problem. Or not a problem at all. They're saying it's not a problem at all. I can't believe it. I'm so upset by it.

Yeah. Because people are calling me old because of my finger pain. Well. But everybody had Nintendo thumb. Nintendo thumb, sure. Growing up. It's just because every... I mean, people are probably just very delicately swiping at their screens not me i'm like oh man i feel like maybe

you gotta go visit like a specialist maybe you got some joints that people just are not experiencing this take a vaccine yeah take a vaccine i've been to so many doctors about my finger pain really yeah and what have they said just stop i'll say stick your finger in my ass right or stick your yeah stick your finger in my ass and or stick your yeah stick your finger in my ass and then i say okay well when's it gonna feel better when's my finger gonna feel better and they say uh what finger or what what do you mean feel better and then you realize that the clinic didn't have a sign out front and i i do libertarian doctors oh yeah just guys in a shed no not all in a shed yeah sometimes sometimes storage container right

i was gonna say it's walking around all right i don't need i don't obey the health care systems uh occupational licensing yeah uh tyranny with that a man can chop up a snake and put it in a shot of whiskey for me that'll cure my cancer good well nothing will cure your cancer so that uh cures autism apparently according does it really yeah because you don't have to deal with the kid anymore yeah oh wow turns out oh man we lost another one i mean you're gonna say that you won but i mean i was kind of thinking i'm like isn't it really you know the sum of both problems you know oh because so it's because i got a negative you got a negative and a positive and if you add the votes together it's really like you know i

brought in i see solid problems so it's unlike any other it's like a little better and then like complete dog shit so it's unlike any other sport right ever Where even golf No, no, no, no If you I'm pretty sure there's other sports Where you combine It's like tennis It's like tennis If you win more matches

I won Yeah How? There's multiple sets Alright So if our first and second problem Went against each other You won that one Okay, I'll give you the win

then. You win. You got it. So combine numbers. Combine numbers, you say. Combine numbers would make more sense. You're right. Then you can't slouch on your problem. You're fucking right. You're fucking right. Kind of makes sense. It makes sense. First off, I would like to say to the YouTube

crowd, we're not deleting your fucking comments. Oh, do they keep posting? That should be our problem. It really should. That's such a thing for all YouTubers is that everybody thinks they're so smart. They go, oh, they deleted my comment

because I zinged them so hard. Bro, you said the N-word in every possible way. You said the N-word with two sixes, characters I ain't never seen before. I had to install a Unicode keyboard just to see how you said the N-word. Like, oh, I can't fucking believe these guys deleted comments. Like, what a bunch of pussies. And yeah, you're like, dude.

Can't take my roasts. And there's no way to turn it off. You can't turn off the auto moderation on YouTube. No. Yeah. You think YouTube would just delete the N-word comments? No, they put them in a separate little folder of do you want to manually approve these

hundreds of angry comments? I'm sure I can't hit approve on this on your platform and stay on here. Just delete it and tell the guy hey, your comment was fucked. Yeah. And ban them. What are you? Because then they're on there all day. Oh, look at these pussies deleting comments. No one's deleting

This fucking comment Cause it just goes to the bottom Of the trash pile No one dealt with that More than Mr. Girl Who he's All these people are like Oh what a pussy

He's like I'm not a pussy Just if you call me a pedophile 50 times That's not gonna go through Yeah it's not gonna go through We're not I promise you We're not deleting

Your fucking comments I actually I print out every comment And I put it on the refrigerator with a magnet. A plus comment. Oh man. And then I take a, I'm going to take a picture of myself crying. Oh, I can't believe that you said that about me.

Ah! God damn it. Yeah. YouTube is so hard to use. Maybe this is my problem. It's so hard to use anyway. I can't tell what is the new comments or not and then it's like these comment all these n-word comments in moderation are going to disappear in 60 days i haven't checked this in seven years so how are they even there to begin

with yeah yeah youtube i even as somebody who theoretically my job is youtube or whatever like half my job i still don't know what's going on like i still can't make streaming work the way i want it to uh um it's a nightmare platform i've got comments stellar steven says it's a simile not a metaphor if you use it's like okay well that's true yeah i always get that mixed up holocaust similes then well it depends it can be both because if you say you know covid is a holocaust then it's a metaphor okay if you say covid is like a i just got our entire stream demonetized by saying two different things whatever if you say it's like one then uh you know what those people are false flagging yeah you. You're deleting our comments. I'm not deleting your fucking comments.

Stop using words that you know you can't use. Yeah. G8 says, quote, they're flagging themselves, quote, even though I did it. Fat brain in action, he says. That or an entire life of conditioned corporate worship. What do you think about that? I do love corporations, to be fair. I suck cocks. It fair. I love the cocks.

There it is. You got me. Trying to think which corporations I like. Which one do you love the most? Well, I was going to say there's probably some game companies I like.

But I don't know. Oh, yeah. They've all consolidated into... No, every corporation eventually becomes something awful. Even the ones that are like fun little indie

corporations, they end up just getting bought out and sucking. Yeah. Eric M., I don't think Vito understands that Christopher Columbus was put in a self-defense

situation. Oh, okay. I didn't realize. You didn't realize that? No, they were coming right at him. Yeah. They were having a

protest that turned into a riot and chased him across a parking lot yeah i had to fucking lay him out and rape the women and stuff to make sure that they make sure they didn't get you know make more on yeah respawn as native americans do uh carrie grove says hey dick loved the new show Listening to the latest episode And I'm torn on Whom to vote for Clearly Vito Needs the Doledo But his late

Have you heard that? Vito needs the Doledo? I've heard I've heard some variations On that yeah Have you heard Fito That they're saying? Fito?

Like I eat too much? I don't know I think Cheeto Is like better Because it's something You can eat Oh I thought you meant like cheater. Well, also Cheeto.

Okay. But his late rape problem makes somewhat sense. I had a run in with Norm MacDonald in late 2019. He didn't grab my ass or say anything sexual and was nothing but kind. Is this a lady? Yeah, it's a lady. Wow. She's got an ass.

I'd be disappointed. That's what I said. I would be like ah i wish norman grabbed my ass man i'm gonna i'm gonna pay i'm gonna have some money in my will to pay a bunch of whores to come up and make up you gotta flood the market right yeah because there's definitely gonna be some real ones right but just hey the second i die it's gonna send out a text to my buddies like hey you gotta hire a bunch of hot whores and like thoughts. Dick did horrible things to them. Yeah.

Should they be excited about it or like negative? No, devastated. Devastated. I can't believe that he would do that. I can't believe that horrible, touchy man. So then when the real ones come out, it's like, yeah, right. But she's hotter than you. Yeah.

I don't know if the logic's 100% there. It is there. I almost got an idea. With all these post-mortem confessions coming out I feel like a fucking failure, she says I need to skip this week's meals And double up on gym time See, yeah, that's what I'm saying I don't like when women refer to their food as a meal

Snack At best You think women shouldn't enjoy full meals? Just saying it I'm eating a it. Have like a tiny... I'm eating a meal. Whoa. Having a snack.

It's more... It's more ladylike. Yeah, it's more lady. Yeah. Meals are for men. Men. Women. What do you have in here?

Like a baked potato over there? Yeah. A little cup of cottage cheese. Look at this meal I'm digging into here. Uh-huh. All right. Maybe a piece of ice with some salt Look at this meal I'm digging into here. Uh-huh. All right. Maybe a piece of ice with some salt on it. Yeah.

That's a snack. Not so much the salt. MSG. More importantly, Vito's multiple apologies were complete shit. Yes. I agree wholeheartedly. I feel like a brand new segment should be brought into the show where you, Dick, writes his apology and Vito reads it.

I'm great at apology i won't vote until i know he's holding complete ownership of being a full-on uh flagging fuck every vote counts right carrie well what do you think about that i'm very sorry to the people i've offended i love you all you're smirking though what the fuck am i supposed to do i don't know how to do it. No self-control. You can't. I'm sorry for what I did.

Okay, but, like, I can only apologize to certain people. Oh, okay. You know, the people who are, like, because apologies are a whole thing now. It was easier. They've been a whole thing for quite some time. Okay, but I feel like there was a point in time where, like, apologies oh he's trying to apologize like we accept it right but instead i apologize and like everybody just comes at you for the next like two weeks going what a shithole apology you don't actually care fuck you and you're like i don't even know how to do it in a way that anyone would ever truly

accept it it's just like how do you do it i don't know i'll show you sometime i'll show you the next time you screw up but it's like trump doesn't apologize right he said excuse me he said excuse me yeah in what way he said uh he was on tv interviewing him yeah megan kelly said uh you called women all the fat and called people retarded and you said the women's pussies stink they don't take care of them what do you have to say about that? And he said, excuse me. Well, I can do that. I was at home going.

Does that count? You had to say, excuse me? Excuse me. Changed my life. See, I don't, I don't, I don't. What are the great public apologies of all time? There aren't any. You just kill yourself.

You write a letter. That's basically the only thing you can do. Write a letter that's all about you and then you kill yourself i think people don't think an apology counts unless you either a lose something yeah but also i i don't even think they want an apology they just want you to like actually suffer yeah so the only like true apology would be like if i suffered yeah which i haven't and i'm doing great and that i think makes people more angry than you did suffer though but i think like a shock collar but then if you suffer and you apologize people go oh well he's only apologizing because he wants to get he feels bad that he lost something oh yeah so i guess i guess that's the

most important thing is that i go I'm doing fucking fine and uh but I apologize nonetheless so that's a great apology that I just gave because it's not coming from a place of desperation like please respect me again because I don't fucking care but I still apologize for what I did

I think that's how you do it right? I really think I'm the only person on earth who can apologize. You. Yeah. Genuinely. Yes. What have you apologized for?

Everything. Are you kidding me? I'm not going to apologize to Nick Rikita. That guy sucks. Oh, no. That fucking Jesus humping lawyer. Cocksucker. But everybody else I apologize to, just not him.

You and Rikita and ralph are really yeah all right his fan base hates me but it is good that him and ralph are fighting because i took all the heat off i was like oh good he's got another fat guy to sick his retarded audience on thank god oh lord uh this is a nice one for you Suck Hanky Esquire says Came for Dick, stayed for Vito Well there you go Alright If anything doesn't the back and forth

Make the show so exciting Yeah I think it does Do you want to kick us off with a problem? I'll kick it off because I won based on the Aggregation rule This is my own Policy coming back to bite me in the ass If we're doing point totals now based on the aggregation rule. This is my own policy coming back to bite me in the ass

if we're doing point totals now. Why? Was that your policy previously? No. My policy previously was justifying the idea of winning. Right. By points.

And now you've taken that to the extreme. Well, I mean, but I won. Like, obviously. Because I had two solid problems. You had one that, like, kind of squeaked me out on the basis of raw emotion. You're playing money ball.

Yeah. You're playing money ball. I'm playing money ball. All you have to say is money ball. Money ball. Yeah, it's money ball. Just get good players. What was the big money ball, like, stat that he looked at?

Was it, like, batting average or, like, balls? On base percentage, probably. On base percentage, i think it was yeah dick i'm excited or am i i don't know i have mixed feelings this new movie coming out a super mario brothers movie and unlike the previous super mario brothers movie which was actually kind of holds up if you look at it through a post-modern lens uh that movie was awesome at the time that it came out and it is awesome still.

I think it's still awesome. I will be fucking damned if I will listen to anybody say that they went to the original Mario Brothers movie in theaters

and didn't say that was awesome. I do remember liking it as a kid. Yeah. I want to watch it and I don't like have bad feelings about it now.

I'm like, yeah, those guys really did something interesting. Good for them. They treated it like it was real. how could this really happen if you went into a sewer and there was a mushroom kingdom like fucked up dystopia run by a donald trump like uh it wasn't like sonic the sonic movie where it's just well we got to get sonic into the real world you know

portal or something like no they're actually plumbers. Yeah. Matt through magic. It is actually really good now that I think about it. And the devolving shit? Like, unbelievable. They fucking evolved from fungus man and lizard man. I was like, holy shit, this is fucking blowing my mind as a kid. It really was a...

I mean, we could talk about this for like a whole podcast. I want to rewatch it now that I think about it. Let's do a... What do youwatch it now that I think about it let's do we should do what do you call it commentary yeah because I haven't seen it in like

probably 20 years but I no maybe 15 I've seen it recently and I bought the DVD because they were hard to get a hold of

as like a teenager in high school I found it in the bargain bin I'm going to scoop this up they're going to erase this movie someday they don't really want you to think about it

I think Nintendo doesn't want you to think about it point is this new Mario movie is definitely not gonna be nearly as interesting or exciting as the original John Leguizamo and Bob Bob Cox's yeah that's it Bob Hoskins Bob Hoskins there it is well this new one also has a star studied cast

and uh have you have you seen this cast list it made me want to kill myself let's uh let's I'll go from the bottom

of the top Fred Armisen is Cranky Kong okay well that's kind of a throw away character uh Key

Keegan Michael Key from Key and Peele is Toad kill me again Jesus Christ seriously chop my head off with run me over with a tank.

I think this one, for some reason, just makes me the most mad. Seth Rogen as Donkey Kong. Mario, are you Jewish? Mario, you Jewish?

Mario, you want to get high? It's fucking horrible, man. Jack Black, Bowser, I like that. I like Jack Black.

Jack Black gets a pass because he's Jack Black. He's hilarious. But Anna Taylor-Joy is Princess Peach. Who is Anna Taylor-Joy? She was the Queen's Gambit. Yeah, she's like a nobody, right? I mean, she's a celebrity. She's not like a voice talent, though.

I mean, none of them are. Well, yeah, Charlie Day's Luigi kind of has a fun voice, but Chris Pratt as Mario, I'm like, Chris Pratt just sounds like'm like Chris Pratt just sounds like a dude he's just like a guy he can't pull off

a mustache in real life how's he gonna pull off a mustache is it gonna be the same looking animation as the actual games yeah how do you update

kids are locked into that hey oh it's a go I'm gonna get a pizza how you gonna change that to some mopey fuck? It's going to be very weird.

But I guess my problem is celebrity voice actors, Dick. Yeah. I'm with you big time on that one. What happened? Voice acting, for the longest time, it was like a specific skill that specific people trained themselves in. Or at least had an interesting voice. You know, you try out. It was kind of like anybody could be anybody that was what was fun about voice acting yeah as you'd have a part and you wouldn't go let's just get you know somebody let's get chris pratt he's you

don't need chris pratt it's just a voice yeah go and go and audition people now i'm even one of these guys like charles martinette is the voice of mario and i'm one of these guys who goes you know what charles martinette's mar Mario voice is fun when you're playing the game wahoo yeah wahoo wahoo like if you did that for a whole movie I would probably kill myself but you can at least go out and find a guy you know get like a you know like a comedian

Danny DeVito Danny DeVito would have been perfect to be fair if it was Danny DeVito then I would be defending I suck anyway I would be really excited for Danny DeVito not to mention that there's a bit of an Italian erasure in this prod and this problem about the

latinx erasure latinxery well John Leguizamo is upset that no Latins no no Italians it's all white guys we got a black guy and whatever Fred Armisen is one of those others do you think they sat there and said like well we can't have a black celebrity voicing Donkey Kong? That conversation was definitely had.

It had, right? They definitely had that conversation. Let's have... What should we get for Donkey Kong? And they're like going through all the black eye and they go, oh, wait. And there's like some young millennial

that's in there who like doesn't see race really. Right, right. Oh, we should get Idris Elba to play Donkey Kong. Wouldn't that't that be funny and they're like we could get shaquille o'neal you know and he could didn't know no can't do that i hate it i really hate it i hate it because i mean again i'm talking about these old voice actors you look at like back in the day you had mel blanc one of the legendary voice actors for the Looney Tunes And he did everybody Sylvester the Cat Bugs Bunny

Tweety Bird Even did Barney Rubble Like you'd have guys Who they trained To give different voices To different characters Barney Rubble does not sound Like Bugs Bunny

It's not just Mel Blanc Doing himself Yeah He would come Tweety Bird does not sound Like Sylvester the Cat How do they sound? I'm not gonna

Barney Rubble was Hey Frit Hey Frit That was like hey frit or frit that's horrible what are you doing frit that's pretty good thank you nailed that but uh i guess what kind of happened uh i tried to kind of look it up it was kind of in uh i'll go through it so 1991 you had beauty and the beast there was was no celebrities. There's no celebrities. I know the movie that didn't happen. Beauty was Paige O'Hara. No, nobody. Robbie Benson was the beast.

She was just some whore. Yeah. That they picked up off the street. Yeah, after Walt Disney, she got done sucking him off. Yeah. Yeah. It was a little late for Walt.

It was his kid. No, it was his frozen corpse. His frozen corpse, which they bring women to feed on. Yeah. He saw she had such a beautiful voice he couldn't eat her to sustain himself in his frozen vampire chamber and yeah you're going to be a star you're not jewish are you she's like no sir you're gonna be a star and uh she got to be beauty beauty

and the beast next year they did what movie dick do you Do you know? Aladdin Aladdin That was the end That was the end Because as much as we Robin Williams was even trying to be reasonable Because Robin Williams was like Look, I'll be in the movie You guys are going to pay me a bunch of money I can't say no Wow

He tried to have a thing in his contract though They tried to get him to not be in Fern Gully Which he had already agreed to Did you know that? No It's the movie Fern Gully He was doing a voice in Avatar

The original Avatar Yeah, it was basically the original Avatar But he made like a deal He's like, well do you know that no it's the movie Fern girl he was doing a voice and avatar The original yeah it was basically the original Avatar but he made like a deal he's like Well you know don't use my voice to sell toys Or anything and then they did which is why he never Came back as the genie you couldn't make that movie Fern gully today because the Those little elves are too hot yeah Everybody all look like little hoes

I think that's why they would make it today no you can't Make that shit today Everybody look all butch Yeah and they would be it today. No, you can't make that shit today. Oh, because the kids would need to defend everybody. They'd look all butch. Yeah, that's true. And they would be like battle. All their heads would be shaved on the side and everything. You can't have hot, waifish, whatever. Can't have that.

So yeah, Aladdin, I mean, you had the main guy was Scott Wernger as Aladdin. Do you know who that guy played most famously? No. Steve on Full House, the football boyfriend oh god wait really that was aladdin that was aladdin was dj's boyfriend steve i didn't know that until i looked it up that's funny linda larkin is jasmine an absolute nobody and jonathan's terrible things you're saying about but no that's good nobody except for they went and they like auditioned people who didn't have like you know a celebrity background yeah they're auditioned people who didn't have like you

know a celebrity background yeah they're like you know who jafar was jonathan threeman the puppeteer from shining time station you know how i feel about puppets yeah dumbly so i i should hate this guy but he overcame his horrible job to actually nail it as jafar but of course we had robin williams right as the genie. And Gilbert Gottfried as the bird. Yeah, I go. He's funny. But Gilbert has a voice.

Here's why I think Robin Williams has a voice. Here's why I think it was fine for Aladdin but then it ruined all other movies. Because those characters are fourth wall

breaking characters. Yeah. So having them be celebrities is funny. Yeah, it's thematically accurate as well. Yeah. The problem is that

robin williams being in the movie ended up actually being a big part of the advertising like people were like oh my god robin williams i love robin like robin williams was such a bitch about that like everybody you remember when it when he killed himself everybody was like you're never gonna believe how disney fucked him over he's like he didn't want to be in the ads at all and i'm thinking are you retarded? Was he retarded? Yeah. Oh, hey, Disney,

I'm going to do all this stuff for your movie, but don't make the genie, don't make the genie part of your ads in the movie Aladdin. Are you fucking stupid, Robin Williams?

I think he didn't want it to be ads for the toys. I'm Robin Williams. I'm so funny That I'm gonna be the anchor of this movie But you know don't Don't put me in the ads Okay retard yeah sure

We're gonna do that you fucking moron God Just people like this that just don't understand Do you not understand how the world works You're doing it You're doing it do it all the way Oh get that thing you wanted. You're doing it. Do it all the way. Oh, I'm doing your movie, so cut me in on it.

Get over it. I understand that it's Disney. Put me into toys and everything. Do it like normal. I'm doing this, but I need you to lie to me. No problem. Oh, you need us to fuck you over? I need you to pretend you're not going to fuck me later.

We've got about a thousand guys who will fuck you to your face, you fucking idiot. I'm going to kill myself. It really is true, though, that Aladdin worked. That you're like, yeah, these are celebrities because they're making jokes about celebrities and it is breaking the fourth wall. Yeah. And then you immediately go into Lion King. It's like we got Jonathan Taylor Thomas.

Yeah, you got everybody. I hope he sucked his way into Hollywood. He ruined the Lion King. Toy Story was probably, I think, the biggest. Toy Story really just solidified just like from here on out at celebrities. Yeah.

Like Tom Hanks, Tim Allen, Jim Varney, Wallace Shawn. Well, Jim Varney. Jim Varney, I mean, yeah, you gotta give Varney a job. Don Rickles.

Yeah, what else are they gonna do? But here's probably the saddest thing is do you know who the highest paid voice actress in history is? Snow White?

Who? Cameron Diaz. Who was paid $20 million to be in Shrek. I hate Shrek. I didn't even know Cameron Diaz did the voice of the lady in Shrek. Because I don't care. I hate it. I'm ogre it.

You're ogre it? It's just a bunch of fucking puns one after the other but there's a donkey oh god how could you forget there's a fucking donkey in this movie i have a shrek sticker on my car i found and uh i gotta get a new one because it's all faded what does it say move ogre i wish move ogre ogre. No, it just says Shrek 2. It's kind of great that it's a Shrek 2. Don't donkey my car. I ruined that movie.

My girlfriend loved it, and I sat during the movie and made puns the entire movie. And she's like, I can't. You ruined the fucking movie. I can't watch it anymore. Well, here's the real reason. You brought in a good problem problem but you presented it poorly well what would you the real reason is these guys voice actors can put so much emotion into their voice yeah well they actually celebrities just can't they need like a camera on them like chris

pratt's gonna be in the booth Going like Yeah We can't hear that You shithead And it's also just I think it comes down to We'll just stand the test of time Like are people gonna watch the Mario movie And they're gonna be like Oh that's Chris Pratt

I love Chris Pratt And then like down the line You're gonna go Well yeah you loved it Cause you know Chris Pratt's voice But like a kid 20 years from now Is gonna be like I don't know who that is

Why didn't they get someone Who was like more animated Good at this of had an actual italian kind of accent was kind of fun with it or something where are they gonna go i don't know okay here's what i don't understand and i don't i hope the movie explains yeah is mario is super mario a full adult size okay mario is in the real world. If they change the backstory, I'm going to bomb a theater. If they start out in Mushroom Land, Mushroom Kingdom,

and they're not plumbers that just went through a pipe, right? Right. I'm going to lose it. I don't know where the actual Mario canon is. He's definitely Italian. Yeah.

I don't know how he got to the mushroom kingdom what does he think about the Jersey Shore do you think Mario are they gonna cover so this is okay this is my question though is it gonna start in Brooklyn Mario yeah yeah and then they have cities now in the game right uh anyway that's true yeah and the new one you get to go visit new Don City yeah which is a real city so I was playing my nephew's true yeah and the new one you get to go visit new donk city yeah which is a real city so i was playing my nephew's game yeah everybody was like around he was trying to get all the moons or whatever it is right yet and there were some hard ones uh there's some i don't know how to get but he just couldn't do he just didn't have the motion to do yeah and one was

jumping in a jump rope a hundred times that one's's pretty hard. So I started to do that one. You have to get on a moped and go over and then start jumping. And I got up to like, he was really amped up, right? Like everyone was watching because they've been trying to do it forever. Then I'm jumping and I get to like 70 and he starts clapping. Oh no. Off, off, off of the beat. And I'm like,

Hey, somebody stop it. And nobody, and I brick, like I missed the next one. And his mom just goes, what are you doing? Straight up like reversion. Spurring your concentration.

Yeah. What did you do that for? He was doing it. Calm down. Calm down. We can do it again. Everybody calm down again everybody calm down like straight up like a kid came out of her like oh why did you do that like no no no he doesn't

know it's okay it's okay helpful it's okay so then then i did it again and he was like yeah slowly nodding along but yeah i was like resisting the urge that's on me clap the beat if i can't get through his nods um what was i gonna say you were gonna say that the kids need to know all about here's my question mario goes into super into the pipe and goes into super mario world right and then he's little mario yeah okay then he gets the mushroom and turns into big Super Mario, right? Right. But then when he meets Princess Peach, she's the same size as him. Yeah. So how

tall is Princess Peach? Like, 12 feet tall. 10 or 12 feet, 10 feet tall. So you're saying so when he goes... They never, they've never explained how tall Princess Peach is. Toad is a little smidgen guy.

But maybe Toad's six feet tall. It's always bothered me. Well, you're assuming when he goes through the pipe, he starts as little Mario. Maybe he doesn't. No, he's the beginning of the game. He gets right in there. It's just Mario 1 is not necessarily the canonical...

What do you mean? You don't know that he... You don't know the beginning of Mario 1 is he immediately showed up from Brooklyn. He might have done some other stuff

before he started the stage. Actually, I do know because in Donkey Kong, he is also little. Yeah. And that is set in the real world. Donkey Kong abducts

Pauline, his ex-girlfriend. I feel like your Mario canon is It's accurate Okay but it's like It's not a strict canon That's like saying That's like saying You know the Fantastic Four

Fought in World War 2 It's like yeah They did at one point Alright But then they revised The canon across time Point is dick Do we need celebrity voice actors

Sparingly No I hate them Maybe once in a while if somebody's got a really great voice that fits the part do we need Chris Pratt as Mario I don't know do we need Seth Rogen is Donkey Kong absolutely not Seth Rogen is so bad I hate him so much I really do I really

hate him I don't want to have a like I don't want to have a scene with Donkey Kong and Mario with Seth Rogen and Chris Pratt joking with each other. Hey, hey, hey, Mario. All right. You want to smoke these banana peels? Here's my problem.

Macho weathermen. Yeah. It's getting chilly. I know what you're talking about. Southern California. Right, right. It's getting chilly. It dropped to 60. Here's how I know. I'm talking about. In Southern California. Right, right. It's getting chilly. It dropped to 60.

Here's how I know. I'm going to say this, and there will probably be dummies, macho weathermen, trying to chest beat down my front door to get in to try to laugh at what I'm about to say. It's getting chilly. It's 68 degrees. A chilly 68 degrees. You can hear them can hear they're they're like a dog all over this guys from minnesota yeah canada siberia and we're at new york upstate new york they're sitting there something's wrong something's weird i need to go something happened i need to go show how macho i am because it's not

actually as because it's not cold i need to for some reason i need to go like on instinct and go tell someone that what they think is is chilly is slightly chilly is actually a joke to me yeah i can't i can't they can't help they need to know that their perception of weather is uh is in that mine is laughable right to them to me not because they trained in this simply by having a normal human body they're so proud that their whatever their hypothalamus has regulated them into a state where they can where they do not find it chilly when everybody else in a warmer climate that has lived there their whole life does find it oh my fucking god oh oh you think it's You think it's chilly Cause it's

Cause it's 68 degrees I wear shorts I would wear shorts on Pluto At negative 200 It's amazing bud This is the weathermen doing this No macho weathermen These are people doing this

Oh you're saying people in general Yeah Not actually weathermen Not actual news weathermen, these are people doing this. Oh, you're saying people in general. Yeah, not actually weathermen. Not actual news weathermen. Just people who grew up in cold climates and cannot like- Stop talking about it. Over you. Saying not-

Oh, wow, it's chilly today. This guy thinks it's chilly today. If it it was 50 i wear shorts when it's 50 degrees i don't even wear clothes until it hits negative uh negative 20 degrees there's icicles hanging off of my when i come it freezes in midair and i have to pull it out of my ureter urethra and throw it in the trash you're're a fucking joke to me, bro. I just... I just said it's a little chilly out. It's just a little chilly.

My nipples are hard. Are you going to scream at them next with this shit? Maybe I should. I'm sorry for... No, you're from California, right? I'm from Arizona, so it's even hotter. So you know the heat. Yeah.

I'm from Massachusetts, so I know the So you know the heat Yeah I'm from Massachusetts So I know the cold Do you do this shit? Have you ever done this shit? I don't think I'm in enough conversations Where people go Boy is it cold You know

But I could imagine I could imagine going Well I don't know It's not that cold to me I happen to be from Massachusetts It's like a wrap Oh yeah

Okay I've dealt with some Wow us Wow us with your fucking With how miserable itachusetts it's like a rap oh yeah okay yeah i've dealt with us wow us with your fucking with how miserable it is where it's like a rap it's like a freestyle rap battle for white people like black you know rappers are like always bragging about how their the area they're from is more crime filled and dangerous yeah you're from the soft side of the tracks with the prep schools and then yeah they're like, oh yeah, people are fucking stealing fucking babies at a home.

You don't know how cold it is where I'm from. It is. It is exactly like that. Like, oh, did I hear somebody talking about that they're slightly chilly? Please let me disabuse you of the notion that this is cold. I needed to tell,

because when I am cold, it's actually much colder than this. It's like, bro, honestly, shut the fuck up. You're at a restaurant, you tell your girlfriend, you're like, yeah, it's a much colder than it's like bro honestly shut the fuck up you're at a restaurant you tell your girlfriend you're like yeah it's a little cold out and a guy comes running over yeah hey hey hey you think this is cold you think this is cold and a fucking Eskimo outfit bro you ever been to Maine

bro you ever been to Maine you ever run the Iditarod bro I'm telling you about cold you fucking puss yeah I pour ice in my underpants every day like buddy you didn't I mean you didn't work

for any of any of what you're talking about you didn't like you didn't practice being cold you just lived in an area and your body

self regulated it you fucking retard what is your I'm sorry why are you proud of this I regret commenting once again

I regret making a comment. Yeah. That could be heard by someone else and used as an opportunity to... For them to show how much better they are. I'm sorry. I'm sorry that you didn't get enough love at home. That's my problem. Macho weathermen.

That's a real uh climate crisis yeah it is yeah because when you said weathermen i thought you meant like the guys on the weather yeah no i love those guys you do it should be more because i was gonna say that was a good problem where uh you know the guys who go like oh look i'm in a flood i'm in a fucking hurricane here oh no that's a good problem too they should do they should play that up that is pretty fun though people rip i don't think that's a problem that's a good thing that's fun isn't that was yeah that's what the news is for well there's a light wind uh coming in so we've driven five miles off the coast and tried to get

ourselves drowned yeah to let you know how bad it could be oh that's what you thought yeah that's what i thought no no yeah mine's much better much better than that yeah guys who will just not leave it alone who have to let you know that they lived in a place at one point in their time in their life i wear oh i wear shorts when it's shut the fuck do you wear shorts when you're shutting the fuck up oh my god dude it is pretty funny recently i did go out in this chilly climate in my t-shirt and shorts and i went amazing i was like i was thinking to myself i'm like you know other people are probably wearing a jacket right now what how much i'm so much better than them because i'm wearing

i'm more prepared for the cold climate you know know Look at me, I'm fucking Survivorman over here I could take anything I could fly off into space and survive I felt a little bit special I was like You're not This is something I can do that they can't No, you're not

I can withstand these mildly cold temperatures Thank God animals can't talk Yeah Bragging about this shit Constantly You think it's fucking cold? Yeah, man, I think it's fucking cold these mildly cold temperatures. Thank God animals can't talk. Yeah. You're bragging about this shit. Constantly. You think it's fucking cold? Yeah, man.

I think it's fucking cold. You ever flew, dude? It sucks. Yeah. Anyway. Well, I just think maybe, Dick, you're just being a pussy because you can't handle the cold and you hate that guys like me can.

I'm just... I'm so sick of hearing it. Like, I'm halfway through my life. Maybe. I mean, my life. Maybe I mean I mean let's go the other way though It goes like the hot way too, right where it gets hot because you think this is hot You ever baked in the Arizona sun? No Really what have you ever heard that? I don't know it's hot in like Alaska and somebody's like, oh, this isn't hot

You should see like me in the shower well you should visit Florida in the summertime then you'd see you know stuff like that okay that's the same then what macho weatherman either way either way I'm not but I don't know I've never experienced it the other way I think your Arizona guys they're probably out there I bet if I bet if we uh visited them we said oh it's a little hot I bet they'd do the same thing I love it I bet you'd get in on it too I bet you'd be a monster if I said

god it's so hot you'd go I lived in Arizona working on a what do you call it a work site all day in the bacon sun you don't know what

yeah okay you're a monster I wouldn't say that though you would I bet you would I've never worked on a work site in my life I never will work there probably you wouldn't say that though. You would. I bet you would. I've never worked on a work site in my life. I never will work there.

Probably you wouldn't say that. I suck cocks. Ah, cocks sucking fucking shit. Dick. Go ahead. You know what I love? I love when you just want to eat regular food. I bet.

I do like food. I do like food, Dick. I do like food. I do like food, Dick. What I don't like is the constant need to invent new stupid food trends. Okay. That do not benefit us at all. The other day.

As a society. As a society, as a culture, as a people pretending, pretending that a new food is going to show up and like really make our lives any better. It's not. And it never has. And it's always been a disappointment. Have you had Mountain Dew Red Alert? That came out what in like 97 had it is a yes or no yeah i had it did red alert change your life it's not a food trend that's a new soft drink i'm talking about dick the other day everybody's been talking they go you gotta get a korean corn

dog man have you tried these korean corn dogs it's the best like a happy ending oh my god i wish that would i anything even i like an old an old korean man jerking me off would have been better than this experience man yeah you go to instantly no i'm saying i'm saying that would have been better i know but you come up with like right because i went for something that's bad. An old Korean woman would at least be kind of okay. An old Korean man would have been better than my Korean corndog. You came up with it very fast.

I came up with it fast because I looked for a distasteful example. All right. All right. Jesus Christ. Ruining my metaphors. A Korean corndog is a gigantic corndog gigantic corn dog with like a 25 cent hot dog inside, a bunch of unmelted mozzarella cheese and a bunch of uncooked batter around the outside. It was, it's good though.

No, it isn't. I've had, yeah. Have you had one? Yeah, I've had, I've had one. To be fair, mine was probably cooked very shittily. I suck. God fucking damn it. Are you going to do that the whole show?

I'm so fucked. I'm going to do it forever. so fine that phrase is a good phrase no it's not yes it is because it's saying that i hear what you are saying and i am giving it legitimacy and i am weighing all sides of the issue you're delegitimizing what someone says by saying to be fair. It is a good you said it right there. Look I'm going to figure out a different way to say it. Point is that

I had the Korean corn dog. It's not that good. People don't need to freak out about it. It's all this shit that they come up with where I go I think a regular corn dog

is just as good. I don't think they've really reinvented the wheel. They put sugar all over it. Did yours have sugar on it? No. They asked me. I don't i don't know what her sugary shit but they said do you want sugar on it i said no and they put sugar on it anyway so they fucked up i'm like why would you even ask me why do you default to putting sugar on it anyway it's a hot dog wrapped in cheese and batter and

you normally that's gross on it that's gross why would you even ask just don't do that did you send it back no i had taken it out to my car and i was like this just? Just don't do that. Did you send it back? No, I had taken it out to my car and I was like, this just sucks. I don't want to deal with it. Look, the point is... Did you report them? Yeah, well, I left a Yelp review.

You did? Dude, literally, don't go there. They served it. I looked at all the other reviews and they're like, yeah, they don't cook them right and it's raw i mean this is just me having a bad experience but literally that place didn't know how to cook them correctly okay so it was like literally raw dough like in the middle it was terrible but regardless of my experience like can't like these things like okay it would be cool if there's like one of these places but then it's just like they end up popping up everywhere like i went to the mall and it's i had a buddy he's like we gotta get nashville hot chicken i'm like what the fuck is that he's

like it's oh my god it's nashville hot chicken we waited like three hours you don't know you haven't heard about your nashville hot chicken we waited three hours in line for like the worst spicy chicken sandwich i've ever had and i was was like, what was the point of, what is Nashville hot chicken? And they're like, well, it's just hot chicken, but it's like spicy in a slightly different way. Yeah. And because of that, we now have to have like a hundred Nashville hot chicken restaurants popping up in LA. Like literally everywhere.

They're everywhere right now. It was like when axe throwing was a thing. I was like, well, you gotta, you gotta go axe. It's just a new stupid trend. honestly don't think I've fucking heard that You honestly don't think I've heard that you have to go axe throw You gotta try it Detroit pizza What is it? It's pizza

What's different about it? I don't know it's like a square We've already had this it's not new This all started remember when frozen yogurt Like started making a comeback And it was like oh you gotta when frozen yogurt started making a comeback? Yeah, yeah. And it was like, oh, you got to get frozen yogurt. I remember when it was making a cum the first time.

Like in the 90s or something? Yeah. Oh, yeah. TCBY. Yeah, and then everybody went, oh, this sucks. And then for some reason, we gave it a second. They're like, well, now you get to put more shit in it or something. It's women. Yeah.

Because they think it's healthy. But then they fill up. I guess. They get like a, they get a half a pint of frozen yogurt and then dump a bag of gummy bears on it. Like, here we go. I'm eating healthy. It's healthy.

Bitch, just eat ice cream. What the fuck is wrong with you? I remember my buddy had his game. Just drink. He had a game store in the mall. It was a great location right next to the movie theater. And they're like, we got to kick you out. Why?

So we can have a frozen yogurt place that went out of business after like a year. Cause it's a fucking fed. All half these fro-yo places are gone. Now replaced with Nashville hot chicken. It just comes and goes. Nobody actually likes any of it. We all pretend.

We all pretend. Oh my God. If you had Nashville hot chicken, if you had Detroit pizza, it changed my fight. And then we just forget about it. Detroit pizza is literally just deep dish pizza. And it's Chicago pizza,

isn't it? Chicago pizza is Detroit. Well, Detroit is like square sides. It's like a square pizza. Okay. That's the next thing that's honestly, I'm not,

I'm tired of Detroit. Well, yeah, that tired of people trying to pretend like Detroit's great. It's a shithole nuke it once once a thing happens

it's like everybody remember when all of a sudden every restaurant you went to it was like would you like some aioli with that what the fuck is

what is it and they're like it's aioli and then you find out it's just mayonnaise and they just gave it a different name what the fuck is that

and they don't ever give you enough either no they don't and it's not that they're like we put shit in the mayonnaise so now we call it something different here's your fucking pimple of aioli aioli i don't know is it expensive can i get another one like nah you got you got what do you mean this is this isn't enough for your whole sandwich no we're talking about three dollars for a side of fucking focaccia bread that we made you sandwich this is this is what is it oh sorry sir yeah you have a you have a problem with your aioli is it too much aioli is that the problem that is the also problem with the trend

is that not only is it like a new fun thing but we get to charge twice as much for it for no reason sriracha the sauce yeah it was the same because i hate i don't really like Sriracha sauce And I know why people don't like it Yeah It's spicy as fuck Yeah But the shirts and shit Oh my god It was all over the place

People were obsessed with that crap You guys are Remember when Kobe beef First showed up Yeah it's good though It is It's good sometimes It's good and it's not good everywhere

Well like if you get like An actual steak Of like the actual beef Yeah But then when they're like We got Kobe sliders We got Kobe meatballs it's not good everywhere. Well, like if you get like an actual steak of like the actual beef. Yeah. But then when they're like, we got Kobe sliders, Kobe meatballs. I thought the point was,

this was like ultra premium meat. Like, yeah. And then we like cut it up. We made little fucking shitty slider cheeseburgers out of it. Cause if we call something Kobe, we can charge like three times as much for it. Here's your,

uh, McKellen 18 and Coke, sir. Yeah. Enjoy. Like, oh, wow. Really, I love scotch. It's like this weird hip,

and you, what did you just have? Didn't you just have a fucking, What? You had like vegan liquor or some shit the other day? Oh, man.

Honestly, that should go on the board. The fucking fake whiskey. I didn't even know that existed. Fake liquor. It doesn't. It didn't until this, I think this place created it. I didn't even know that existed. Fake liquor. It doesn't. It didn't until this.

I think this place created it. I'm really confused by that. Vegan liquor. Because liquor doesn't have non-vegan stuff in it. Liquor has no animal parts in it. Yeah, what animal part would be in liquor?

None. Right. It was just a, we've got vegans in here pretending to eat hamburgers and we don't have a liquor license, so we're gonna- Oh, they don't have a liquor license, so they made- They have beer.

So they made- Fake liquor? Fake liquor. I'm like, this is fucking- But they're charging liquor prices for it? I don't know. I got it refunded. Good, because that's ridiculous.

That's not enough. They should have given you money. They should be sued. This is worse than when that woman spilled coffee on her at mcdonald's me not getting and then my friend showed up he's all i'm all embarrassed yeah but i said this place was good you invited him like oh this will be fun we'll get some drinks and then yeah they sneak up on you with their new fun here's the thing food is already good we don't need to invent new foods really you. You know what I'm saying?

I'm saying the good food trends are finding foods from the past that were already fantastic. Like, I like all these guys who are like, oh, let's, you know, take a look at barbecue and really, like, perfect it. Okay. And you're like, okay, yeah, because cooking meat over fire. Let's throw some cinnamon on there. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. That's where it goes off the fucking rails.

It's when you go, no, it be like really spicy like no it's just hot chicken like just refine hot you don't need to give it a new fucking name and pretend you reinvented the wheel just be like no it's it's or like you know i'm excited about uh grass-fed beef is making a comeback i hate grass really you don't like it no not if it hasn't been finished uh with with like you've had a grass like a good grass-fed steak yeah yeah't like it no not if it hasn't been finished uh with with like you've had a grass like a good grass-fed steak yeah yeah yeah i don't know man there's something about it i love it i don't know what it's got to be finished by and i was real skeptical at first i was like no i'm not gonna like it maybe i had a bad one i cooked it myself i got it at like uh you know

sprouts the grocery store i just went i'm like yeah it's a little more i want to try it i've never so you like that yeah but that's not a- Grass-fed beef. Oh, wow. Beef was so fucking- So fucked up before. No, but it's going back to the way that, you know, beef used to be created. You used to not, you know, gorge your cow on corn back when you used to just let your cows graze in the field or whatever.

So if it's like going back to the pure form of food. Yeah, if you're going back to like pure types of food, like that's cool. But it's when you're like, oh man, it's like, you know, we take a corn dog and then we cover it in fucking potato pieces and inside's like a mozzarella and then we cover it in powdered sugar on the outside. It's like, no, this sucks.

Even if it is tasty, like in its own way, you don't need 800 of them. That's a problem though. Just let people enjoy their fucking food. Because it ends, again, it's a problem where it kicks my buddy out of his fucking spot in the mall to make room for one of eight,

my mall had two Froyo places across from each other. Yeah. Okay. It ends up just overtaking the cultural consciousness and all your friends are like, there's this new avocado toast place

on the corner. And like, the culinary world, you know what's great? Where did we go for steak that fucking clearman's place right that's good the best restaurants the best food are like unpretentious places that have been there for like 50 years okay they know what they make they make it good okay and then you got all this new artisanal bullshit stupid fad trends whatever

and everybody pretends that it's better but it's not 90 of the time it's just worse than food that already exists so it offends you as it already exists it it offends me as a foodie and you can tell i am quite the foodie it offends me as somebody who just wants it waste your meals like yeah it's a waste of calorie time. You wasted a meal. I could have ate three regular corn dogs instead of this Korean monstrosity. This fucking sugar-covered garbage. I get it. I can get behind that. It's an annoyance.

And we should... A lot of these classic restaurants are going out of business. What's that one steak place in LA that closed? They're coming back. They're coming back? Yeah, they're coming back downtown, yeah. Oh, fantastic. Yeah, a lot of these classic restaurants are closing because all these hipster douchebags

are like, I only eat the finest Nashville hot chicken. I refuse to... Yeah, and you're fucking it up. Don't give your money to that. Detroit pizza. Detroit pizzas. Nashville hot chickens. Kobe sliders. The Impossible Burgers. I want them to start making up foods. I think they're getting there. The pizzas. Nashville hot chickens. Kobe sliders. The impossible burgers.

I want them to start making up foods. I think they're getting there. Like boiled fleabs. Yeah. And then people are lined up like, I have no idea what these fleabs are. Have you had a Chungus wrap? Yes. Yes.

Oh, I could go for a Chungo wrap. Yeah. I think that would work. You could just put- And they just never- Like Coke. You don't know what's in Coke, right? So you could have a food truck that's like, I sell fle and chungus you're like yeah i don't know what's

in coke it's caramel it does it's like caramel exactly though no one knows exactly wrong like you could eat a flina's like wow damn that's a good flina's yeah and you someone say well what's in it i don't know some kind of mulch of pork And chicken And I don't know Bugs maybe I'm always disappointed When I try these new stupid things So I can't wait to try The mochi donut

The mochi donut Dick Stupid food trends Is my problem Alright Knock it off My last problem is Sustainability

That's a That's an abstract problem Dick I look forward to your explanation I mean, like, you know For the earth For some reason, just the way you search for that You're like, you know

For the earth It's just an excuse Anytime somebody throws out Oh, it's sustainable Oh, this is a sustainable product It's just like an excuse to buy new shit Like, oh, it's sustainable. Oh, this is a sustainable product. It's just like an excuse to buy new shit. Like, oh, these shoes were sustainably made with sustainable materials. In Nigeria, in South Nigeria, by hand, by sustainable people.

Who are sustainable. Oh, give me. Give me. These shoes are dog shit. Throw these shoes away. Give me those new shoes. sustainable ones give me those sustainable i need this fucking sustainable ones the sustainable mean this water bottle this water bottle is horse shit i need a sustainable give me a stainless steel sustainable that costs like as much as an

abrams tank to make give me that one this one is dog shit give me the glass one with the rubber coating and this one is dog shit i need me the glass one with the rubber coating. This one is dog shit. I need another sustainable product. And I'm over here drinking out of a paper cup that I've had since I was two. I got in a t-ball game when I was a kid and I never threw it away. You just had that cone? Yes, a cone. You've been reusing the same Ziploc bag for your orange slices?

Yeah. What's wrong with using one Ziiplock people throw ziplocks away it's fine yeah just re just wash it out blow it wash wash all that water blow it out put the new thing and it goes right back in the fridge no big deal right these sustainable people are they found a it's just a way for uh retardsons, who know just enough to participate compulsively and all the time on buying new shit. Here's this sustainable bowl. Here's a present for you. It's a fucking sustainable vase with a charcoal system that filters out.

You don't want to use chemical non-sustainable processes you want to use this fucking glass vase with a with a carbon chamber that fills up with charcoal in it for to sustainably to sustainably have drinking water like what the fuck this is how much did this fucking cost how much gas did this fucking cost to make you idiot i'm gonna drop it off in my fucking tesla we gotta get sustainable cars and energy out we gotta get brand new sustainable tesla cars out right now i don't know about that i'm just gonna keep driving this i'm just gonna sustainably drive this car that i have until it dies i'm gonna send it to mexico and get another car exactly like it uh no i'm not gonna get a

tesla what tesla we need a train. We need a sustainable bullet train. From here, we need a network of bullet trains that go all around the fucking country that cost $300 trillion. What about the Tesla? Fuck the Tesla. That's all. That's not sustainable enough. That's wasteful.

That's fucking wasteful. I fucking hate this Tesla. I got to get another one. I have to get another. The next Tesla model is a fucking is three percent more sustainable than the one that i have now i gotta get it i gotta fucking get it yeah i'm replacing all my clothes with sustainable new clothes right it's just bullshit so sustainable means that it doesn't you can use it forever is that the concept sustainable is like oh well this is just like a

forever motion machine yeah it's a perpetual motion machine yeah perpetual motion machine we buy it from like a bunch of a bunch of poor people are sitting in their fucking corrugated iron sheets in the shadow of the amazon factory stitching your shoes together here you go well that's oh that's creation sustainable because it wasn't made out of like plastic or something? I still don't understand what sustainable means. Sustainable. No one does. No one does.

But here's the stats for you. 48% of US consumers are ready to change their consumption habits to save the environment. These consumers spend $130 billion on sustainable, fast-moving consumer goods products uh in 2018 is that like when i bring my own shopping bag is that sustainable yeah but you got to buy a new one you got to get a new you can't just you can't buy used no no you can't bring from home a bag or a backpack or something you got to buy the fucking whole Foods logo. The hemp woven sustain that was put that was made in Africa. Sustainably made in Africa by people. By Johnny Sustainable.

By Umbutu Sustainables. Put on a fucking cargo container shipped around the world to you to put on that thing for you to buy. Oh, man, I fucking I can't believe I'm so happy I got this sustainability bag. Now I can go fill it up every fucking week. With unsustainable goods. Load my fridge up with food that I'm going to throw half of away. Very sustainable. You nailed it. Do you use your own shopping bags, Dick?

No, I order from Amazon. Everything? Yeah. You don't go to a store? That's for, that's not for me. You could be shot. You could get COVID shot You could get COVID You could get COVID

Of course I'm unvaccinated So I'm very You're in danger No I'm endangering everyone else Right right You're keeping everyone else Get your fucking

Get your story straight Vito You're gonna fuck up like that And get our channel demonetized That's true I'm replacing beef With chicken in my diet To increase my sustainability It's more sustainable

Nevermind I'm replacing the chicken With bugs And I'm replacing beef with chicken in my diet to increase my sustainability. Never mind. I'm replacing the chicken with bugs and I'm ordering it from bugmeals.com that ships it every day to my door in a box. This fucking big full of bug sandwich that this bug sliders, bug Kobe bug sliders. It's this fucking big.

Oh man, I'm so fucking sustainable. They send you a mold and inside the mold is a bunch of like bug foods. The bugs crawl into this sandwich shaped thing from around your house. Yeah. And then you just put some sustainable cheese on your tongue and lay down and the bugs climb in your mouth. I'll tell bug it's sustainable right now. Well, don't you think the environment, you know, needs a little help?

Everybody pitches in. Stop buying shit. That's the number one way to help the environment is stop. Oh, you know, here we go in sustainability news. You know what? You're fucking, actually, your washer and dryer, we got new sustainable ones. Well, we got to get, I got to get a new washer. New washer and dryer.

All chick stuff. By the way, we got to get a new fridge. We're going to get a fucking new sustainable fridge. Got fucking hemp and shit. They got to wash their clothes too, dick. The act of washing things isn't masculine nor feminine. You know what? I wish that you would've...

I thought you were gonna bring in that smelly problem. I meant to bring... At some point. You should at some point. Yeah. I talked about that story a little bit on my show. Yeah, you never told the whole story and everyone keeps waiting for it, I guess. Well, you should tell it.

Eventually. Yeah, do you want me to save it? It's for it, I guess. Well, you should tell it eventually. Yeah, do you want me to save it? It's not a great story. It's just really... No, it's funny. Oh, it's really weird. You know...

I don't smell... Here's the thing. I realize I don't smell bad. I take like two or three baths a day. I love it. Baths. Yeah, baths.

Well, I don't know if people associate baths with good smells. Why not? It's water. Most people don't do baths. Well I don't know if people Associate baths with good smells Why not? It's water Most people don't do baths Most people don't have all day To sit around

Dicking around in the bath I you know I hang out on the phone And I you know I get worked on Often you're texting me In the bath Not often

Once in a while You should say I take at least one bath a day A bath is With the shower in You do both You get both You're taking a bath shower?

Yeah. You can run a shower shooting on you and the water off of you? Yeah. Wow. I'll alternate. I'll turn off the shower. I don't have that capability. Annoying.

Do you have a bathtub? Yeah. What do you mean you don't have that capability? It doesn't have a shower. It has its own thing. Oh. Yeah. I hate it.

And they pointed at the wrong. I have this beautiful view in my bathroom. It would look right out at the canyon, but they fucking turned the bathtub the wrong way. So I have to look up at the house next door instead of all the way out. I'm very annoyed by it. Yeah. Anyway, there was a scenario where. Anyway.

Oh, okay. Well, I'm trying to say I don't think I smell bad. I think that this guy who thought I smelled bad, it was a scenario where... Anyway. Oh, okay. Well, I'm trying to say I don't think I smell bad. I think that this guy who thought I smelled bad, it was a rare circumstance. All right. And I will bring in the problem of if you think somebody smells bad, we should just let people know and then I can use some sustainable soaps. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Sustainable soaps with the hemp Yeah Wrapper around it

Oh yeah Oh I'm so I was so worried that we couldn't Make fucking sustainable soaps Well you know Thank god All about that paper

That little piece of paper around it That you throw out Now it can dissolve Into the woods Isn't that what you want? Return to the earth? No I want

Everyone It's the same thing... How do you feel about recycling, Dick? I can't say on this platform. Is that true? Is that against the rules? I think it... I mean, I think it works

for aluminum cans. I'm not sure it's cost-effective for anything else. What about glass? You don't want to... I don't think it's cost-effective because if you spend more... It's called a petrodollar

for a reason. Spending more money recycling it on new shit means you're wasting money. Leave it in the ground until someday in the future they can dig it up and recycle it at a savings. Do you understand? They left copper mine. New technology in the future. They left copper mine slag in the ground and then they found out a way to monetize it.

And so let's dig it all up. Yeah. Let's dig it all up now that we figured it out. But they're forcing it with this so let's dig it all up. Yeah. Let's dig it all up now that we figured it out. But they're forcing it with this shit. It's all the same. The trains, the fucking space trains,

the Teslas, the fucking solar panels, and all this shit is just what we got to buy more shit. Because the real fix is nuclear power, but that's old.

Nobody wants to buy old shit. They don't want to use nuclear power. That's used. I don't get used. We have so many problems. Give me some new solar power. That's used. I don't get used. Which would fix so many problems. Give me some new solar panels. That sounds cool.

Let's get a ton of those. They're all brand new. Let's get... Oh, well, we found something new. Get rid of all these fucking solar panels. Let's get something else. Everything is... Oh, it's sustainable by 2030.

Oh, yeah, okay. Yeah, by 2030. Yeah, 2020. Soon enough. 2022. Oh, this one's sustainable by by 2050 get rid of all this old shit let's get the new shit in there it's never gonna end no it's never gonna end um i had a sustainability idea is uh you know you know how like they want to what's the boring company they want to make like underground tunnels or whatever? Yeah. Yeah, but we already have you know, all the leftover tunnels

from the Underground Railroad. So why don't we just put the trains through those? Harriet Tubman? The Underground Railroad? Yeah, yeah. Remember the blacks had an underground rail system.

I think that was a metaphor. I don't think it was actually underground. No, I'm pretty sure. I don't think black people built tunnels out of the south i don't think you can call it an underground railroad if it's not a real it's a well it's like a black market it's not all black people do their business at the black market the underground

railroad was a subterranean rail system which the blacks employed to escape slavery i don't think it was underground it's called the dick i think that meant like the underground railroad the blacks had trains which they would no no no get on to escape from slavery it's a railroad dick and i'm saying there's all these abandoned rail systems that the slaves used okay and elon musk could just put his trains down there okay just open them back up again yeah and you know you'd probably have to give a little something that the slaves used. Okay. And Elon Musk could just put his trains down there. Okay. Just open them back up again. Yeah.

And, you know, you'd probably have to give a little something to the black families because they built the railroads. But, you know, you could probably buy them for pretty cheap at this point. Well, I don't know. Maybe, yeah, maybe he could. That's my idea. That's your idea? That's a great solution.

Thank you. Let's see. Sustainability. Yeah. thank you um let's see sustainability yeah countries are spending 17 trillion uh a year did i get that did i copy that sustainable what everything everything's being everything everything's being converted over not fossil fuels that's not sustainable see but they talk about sustainability but then they still sell us an iphone they know isn't gonna work in like 5 years I got his stats on that too

My playstation's about to break They're not going to fix that 2.8 billion smartphone users Americans upgrade their phones An average of 18 months I'm saying Sustainability How often do you upgrade your phone?

Probably every 3 models Yeah I don't think I've upgraded mine Every 3 or 4 Whenever I remember How often do you upgrade your phone? Probably every three models. Yeah. I don't think I've upgraded mine. Every three or four. Three years. Whenever I remember. Yeah. I actually think I'm due for an upgrade, as they say. who think they're better than you participate and consume under capitalism while still maintaining

their feelings of elitism. Like there's no such thing as, what do they say? What do the communists say? There's no such thing as- Kill them all, let God sort it out? Yeah.

That's what they say. There's no such thing as ethical consumption. There's no such thing as ethical consumption there's no such thing as ethical consumption under capitalism but there is and it's just not consuming constantly you're saying

the only form of ethical consumption is to not consume yeah or consume what you already have yeah but they're selling them

this sustainability shit so they can just go buy buy buy oh god oh yeah you got what is that sustainable isn't that the great capitalist disease

is I just keep buying things dick I can't stop myself it is but the government's paying for it Bye, bye, bye, bye. Oh, God. Oh, yeah. You got. What is that? Sustainable? Isn't that the great capitalist disease? I just keep buying things, Dick. I can't stop myself. It is. But the government's paying for it. What else is there to do? I don't know what else to do. That's my problem. I wish I had a sustainable lifestyle.

Once the bug loaf becomes available. Sustainable then. Yeah. You come up with something else. It's like, well, eat your kids then i'd be into i'm into the fake meat idea or or the lab grown i don't think the lab grown will ever be sustainable though um why can they grow meat at a rate that we can see why do i like the idea of it well i mean just what why do you not yeah why do you like it and why do you not think it'll be i think that if you can avoid Slaughtering animals

Then yeah I agree with that I think that You know how You ever like look back And you're like Oh I can't believe Back then

Our ancestors did this Horribly barbaric thing You know Like what Like slavery For instance Yeah I can't believe No I don't ever

You identify You're like Oh I can understand Why they did that Yeah cause they're stupid Well yeah Oh you guys thought This was a good idea Fucking No I'm saying I can't believe I don't ever you identify. You're like, oh, I can understand why they did that. Yeah, because they're stupid. Well, yeah. Oh, you guys thought this was a good idea. Fucking.

No, I'm saying I can understand that they were stupid enough to do it. One percent fucking everybody over once again. Hey, I'm going to bring in all these. I'm going to bring in all these slaves and drive out all the people who will work for a living because they can't fucking compete with slaves. Right. Oh, what are you idiots going to do when they when they turn like 50 and their joints don't work anymore? I don't know. Good job, morons.

Way to go again. Didn't work out very well. I guess the point I'm making is I think mass consumption or slaughter of animals will be the thing that future generations go, oh my God. Oh yeah, me too. Those guys were monsters, you know?

I think that- It really is just kind of a thing where you have to go, I'm just going to not think about the fact that we have basically concentration camps for animals. For cows.

Yeah, to just go, oh, you live in a tiny cage from the moment you're born. Yeah. Oh, well, like pigs are literally as smart as dogs, if not smarter. I mean, yeah.

So like pigs is the one thing where you're like, I love bacon. Put bacon on everything. It's like, oh, yeah, cool. You just killed like a million dogs. Congratulations. You know what I love about people? I hate people. And I know someone's listening to this right now and they're going,

eh, you fucking wimp, you coward. And you're like, it's just a little, if we can do it without doing it, if somebody came to you and they said, I can make bacon that tastes exactly the same, but you don't have to kill a pig. How much? Maybe it'll be an extra dollar a pound. Fuck you.

That's such bullshit. But there's some guys who, even if it was the exact same price, they'd go, no, I want a murder to get that shit. Come on, man. Will you fucking care? There is.

There's going to be an ethical way to do it. We don't have it yet, though. I think people are so guilty about Killing animals to eat That they had to put it in Religion That they're allowed to do it I mean that helped a lot

Like they're like oh god Scott said we could do this You guys are that guilty about Specific rules on how to do it Like I don't need it on Sunday though As long as you don't eat it on Sunday, you can murder the shit out of as many of those motherfuckers as you want. Yeah. And never shellfish, though.

And people are so aggressive about their love of murdering animals. I like meat a lot. It's great. Look and love. Yeah, okay. I really like the taste. Look, I'm not going to say I don't enjoy a great steak, you know. But there is a part of me that in the back of the head goes,

I wish this didn't have to come from torturing a fucking thing. And people are like, yeah, the suffering makes it better. The suffering makes the meat better, bro. Okay, dude. Like, not bad. You're a real fucking psychopath. Yeah. Whoa.

Blowing me away. Yeah. It's unfortunate. It's unfortunate. It's, it's, what can you do? It's unfortunate that children have to make fucking iPhones or whatever.

That we're dumping toxins. Yeah. But whatever. There's always trade-offs. You can't, you can't have a perfect world. And you go nuts if you try. Every breath you take kills a million,

what, microbes or some shit. That was Gandhi's big uh uh revelation i think gandhi was was a terrorist okay well that's is that the name of the episode episode 109 gandhi was a terrorist all right what are our oh shit we're going long uh our problems are celebrity voice actors macho weathermen stupid food trends and sustainability

alright a lot to talk about patreon.com slash biggest problem we'll see you guys again we're gonna do voicemails thanks for listening go vote

go vote at biggestproblem.show support sustainable farming support sustainable podcasting yeah we can't just can't just put this out without you loving it

yeah showing the love back we can't put this out without attention so yeah it really is just attention huh yeah

patreon.com slash biggest problem oops that would have been good but I messed this up it's okay ah

where's the chat I'll pull it up is vito doing a bit the underground railroad is this a bit the life draining from the pig The Underground Railroad. Is this a bet? The life draining from the pig makes the bacon and sahaja. Okay, buddy. Exactly. I know it's hard to cope with.

There's no way Vito was joking about the Underground Railroad. No, there's no way you were. Yeah, no. of morality. I thought Vito was joking about the Underground Railroad. No, there's no way you were. Axe throwing is just the gun range for people uncomfortable with guns. Vito is a good person. Someone's countered all the hatred. Thank you.

Okay. I wish I could fade this into voicemails, but I can't. There's gotta be a way to. I know. I got to ask the guy to fix it a little bit. Okay. Here we go with.

You should have two different audio programs. One for just playing the voicemail so you can fade the other audio program. Okay. How about you show up every week? Okay. And then I'll work on some of these suggestions. I'm working on it. Hey, this is Vito from 2004

This is how I talk Man when the fuck did I become a little bitch Why am I out here flagging people Maybe if I got laid right now We wouldn't be flagging people Damn man Shit Wow do you remember making that call

Is that from Oh that's me calling from 2004? Yeah Oh Hi me Like 12 monkeys Yeah Style

Darn I'll have to travel through time To prevent my Do you think that you were right? Again I apologize deeply For everything I've ever done See you're making Fucking sarcastic again

I'm not sarcastic I really do Apologize deeply Uh Okay Hey Dick Hey Vito I have a problem for y'all I'm not sarcastic. I really do apologize deeply. Okay. Hey, Dick. Hey, Vito. I have a problem for y'all. It's this fallacy of

do whatever, do your job, or what is it? Do a job that you really love, right? And everybody seems to misunderstand it and get misled by it because everybody tends to think like oh you know for a job i should do something that i love what do i love my hobby my own personal life you know

so the most common example of this is people trying to make their own youtube channel like oh man you know i hate working in my shitty it job you know working with like such idiots but man i love playing retro nes games and bitching about movies and stuff you know, working with, like, such idiots, but, man, I love playing retro NES games and bitching about movies and stuff, you know, wow, PewDiePie is totally doing it, Dick Masterson is such a great charismatic guy, they do stuff that they love, you know what, I should do it too,

and then, all times, what happens is that shortly, shortly later, after they put all their chips into it, guess what, oh, I need money, I need money. I need money. How come I'm not getting enough views? Please, go on my Patreon.

How come I have no natural charisma or talent? It fucking sucks. Because people misunderstand it and they think that they should do something that they love as a job instead of doing a job that they love. If you are good at math, be a math teacher. If you like working with computers and you're good at it, fucking work in IT. If you have something you do for your free fucking time, keep it in your free fucking time.

Don't be a fucking idiot. Everybody does this shit and they're so fucking stupid and they always end up in these shitty jobs and situations where they thought that they love it, but they don't. And then they're constantly bitching and moaning online. Constantly bitching and moaning. I think the best job is one that you can tolerate.

You know, it's not like fun. It's just like, yeah, this is interesting, I guess. That's the best job? Yeah, like I worked as a graphic designer for a while. And I'm like, yeah, it's better than doing a lot of other stuff. It's fun to just sit around and fuck around on photoshop and the best job i think would be a furry porn artist why because the clientele is very reasonable yeah uh not only is the clientele very reasonable you know like furries have a lot of money oh yeah why is that furries because you have to be a certain type of like autistic to be furry and it's usually like high functioning programmers

and like tech guys and like a lot of these guys like that's why do you think they buy those suits that cost like 2 000 bucks or whatever because they sink all of their money into that shit yeah well like more logic who has spent a million dollars, as he claims. But he's not a furry, I guess. He said he's into weird stuff that he hasn't talked about. I'm sure if a furry was cutting down a tree, he'd be into it. He would love it. I miss that guy.

Me too. We should have him come up. The biggest problem in the universe is Dick Masterson doing audio engineering. People were mad at you for something. Unless I'm like dead Aaron or something. I can't engineer audio at all. I have to like, why don't you get Sean in there?

Sean made the fucking template. Sean is to blame for this more than me. My ears are poisoned. I have no idea when anything happens. Okay, one more. Hey, this is Sergio from Providence. Got to say, I fucking love the reboot. I collapse.

Really love the commitment Vito has had towards playing the Maddox. Thank you. I love how he argued with Nick for like an hour about how he's flagging for misinformation and all this serious YouTube stuff. And then backpedaled after everyone shit on him and tried to say it was it was just like a mad expander in the hoas argued for like an hour and was like oh i'm just a joke after everybody shit on him it's just a joke you guys you know i love you but i hope you get downvoted into oblivion this week thank you sir great show well i did i did i didn't get downvoted

but your your problem did get upvoted tattletales? Yeah That's a big problem Well not as big as my other two problems combined Okay That's it Thanks everybody Thanks for listening guys We're gonna try to do

a bonus episode right now Yeah we're gonna try We'll talk about it for a second but we're not gonna stream it But if you'd like to listen to it where should they go Dick?

Patreon.com slash biggest problem That's where the bonus episode will be Yeah And once again I do apologize at the bottom of my heart

you should have to read someone if you lose yeah I should have to read someone's apology maybe a viewer could send in a good apology for me to read yeah

yeah maybe that could be a patron exclusive is you can submit apologies for me to struggle to read on the show okay bye everyone