The Biggest Problem in the Universe - Episode 12 - Waiting for Master Columbus

Episode Date: October 11, 2021

Installing Console Games, Columbus Hate, Waiters Who Don't Write Down Your Order, Master Erasure

It's a problem Yeah it is a problem F slur Can we just say it Come on We can't You can't If you want to keep your job

You cannot say that word They're going to give us back Some slurs They can't get rid of all of them We'll trade you Well I think retarded Is coming back I think they've accepted

That they took too many of them I don't really need to say retarded, though. I need to say, I need to call people F-slurred. I need it. To be fair, uh-oh. Give me one.

I'm so cocked. There you go. I should just give you a solid sound bite so I have to stop hearing that awful stitch together. It's even funnier. It's so bad. All right, are we ready to do the show?

Let's do it. Yeah. here so bad all right are we ready to do the show let's do it yeah uh remixed problem in the universe welcome to the biggest problem the universe the show that ranks every problem in the universe Welcome to the biggest problem in the universe, the show that ranks every problem in the universe from kosher sliders, wait, Kobe sliders to weather deniers. I wrote down so many shitty jokes, I forgot the one. I put it in a box of non-remembrance over here. You guys missed the five minutes of us trying to come up with a good opening rhyme. I'm your host Dick Magist and joining me as always is Vito Giswaldi.

Hi, Dick. How are you? Great. Thank you, everybody, for listening, and thank you for supporting us at patreon.com slash biggest problem. We have a new bonus episode up. Yeah. People really liked the bonus episode.

They did. They, like, loved it. Yeah. They really, because it was great. It was really good for some reason. The fun part about the bonus episodes people send us their problems right on our discord channel which you get access to as a patron uh-huh and uh i guess it's fun when people give us problems to rant on uh because we're off the cuff it's

spontaneous it was weird doing a comedy show with a comedian not having like all these notes and fucking proud you're like oh yeah let's just do it oh oh that's odd okay yeah practice. You're like, well, yeah, let's just do it. I'm like, oh, oh, that's odd. Okay. Yeah, because you were like, I don't know what we do for a bonus problem or show. And I'm like, oh, you can just take them. We can just riff on them. Yeah, sure. It was more than that, though. I don't want it to seem like it was just riffing.

Well, what's interesting is that we went from a very simple problem and then we extrapolate the idea of waiting. Waiting. Being prison, basically, is just waiting. Yeah. Yeah. It is the worst. Waiting is such a problem that we use it to punish criminals that was just right off the top of my that was the fucking mind it really was that's a great problem i saw the two complaints about the bonus episode

were number one that it was like what isn't it supposed to be solutions yeah well no it's not sorry i thought this was really good yeah why do you want it to ever like i saw a couple like Like, isn't it supposed to be solutions? Yeah. Well, no, it's not. Sorry. I thought this was really good. Yeah, why do you want it to be... Like, I saw a couple like, where are the solutions? I'm like, none of you care. I don't know.

The solutions are up to you, bud. We're just doing problems. I don't know what kind of show this you think is where the show debates itself. It's not called Biggest Solutions in the universe. Yeah, that's dumb. It's a different show. And then the other one I saw,

some guy say, well, wait a minute. Does that mean that only like 5% or ten percent of your audience votes on this one like well i mean i don't know but that's up to that's up to you you can vote on those problems even if you haven't listened to the episode there's no rule that's true you can just see the problem go waiting is a big problem it is a big problem i'm gonna vote there's no gotchas you know it's not like you're gonna get tricked into voting on waiting and like oh they were talking about waiting uh because you're a gay virgin oh shit oh they were talking about you know being wait staff and i voted sorry i voted

on waiting the concept long description for each problem on the sites you know exactly we're getting into the what i was afraid of people overthinking the entire concept. The notes. The notes. Okay. So we had last week. Patreon.com slash biggest problem. We had sustainability. Well, wait a minute. There we go.

Sustainability. Yep. As in me. Big win. Big win. Big winner. People don't like sustainability. No.

Celebrity voice actors came in second solid number two yeah then stupid food trends for you also i thought that would be higher uh no because people like it people like all that like fun what are you just gonna eat paste yeah like goo go to this go to the store brand store and buy a can of No go to like a Nutrients Like I went to a That's you I went to a barbecue restaurant The other day And I didn't ask for you know Some fucking

Korean For brunch Marinated Whatever the fuck Yeah Just got like a big old Chicken fried steak It was delicious

Cause of guys like you We wouldn't have barbecue Cause you'd have been there Going like Just eat Just eat the No barbecue is Just eat the meat on the fire

What do you need to put some kind of sugar you're like grumpy smurf you think sauce is a fucking uh yeah food trend you'd be back there going sauces just eat me natural evolution of food and it's not wrapping a bunch of garbage around a hot dog and frying it incorrectly think of it as a variant i know you love your covet variants so much think of the food as a variant waiting for the omega variant where everyone i got vaccinated get superpowers you guys are gonna feel like idiots the superpower of shooting clotted blood out of your like spider man you can shoot ropes of blood and swing and having wild seizures that only affect one of our limbs um what did i what was a macho weatherman came in last came in last uh

came in negative i thought no it didn't i don't think it was negative you might have to check it was pretty close i don't i think you're lying i think this is more veto fake news now i do like to deliver the fake news they were all problems i'm pretty sure let's see weatherman macho Let's see. Weatherman. Macho. Negative six. Oh, shit.

Cocksucker. How is that possible? Negative, baby. They're so... It's because of the name. I should have named it weather deniers. Weather deniers. Like the Holocaust. Yeah, exactly.

Or it's not cold. It's not cold. As the Holocaust, whatever the metaphor is. As I was saying, I think you needed to cover all sides of the issue. You didn't talk enough about the guys who go, oh, it's not hot. You're right. It's not hot out.

You're right. Because you made it personal about me and I got defensive instead of keeping my eyes focused on the prize. Rolling with it. Now, somebody on Reddit,

I should have printed it out, really did not like my suggestion of tallying both problems. Yeah, because it's dumb. All right. Well, let's go with the first one uh i got some comments where kent lee says veto is insane korean corn dogs are super good

is you get the extra types the extra types uh there is this spelled incorrectly yeah there is this place in arcadia called chung chun which started this trend and they are so fucking good maybe if vetoes no apostrophe fat ass didn't inhale the corn dog i couldn't inhale it was raw it was raw in the middle finish go ahead he could actually taste it yeah did you know that's what he was gonna say oh thank you because i just shoved it in one fucking thing down my... This sugar coat. I want to know if he has sugar on. How long does it take you to eat a hot dog? I don't know.

It depends on the hot dog. Some hot dogs are tiny. Like a Costco hot dog, it takes like a couple minutes. A couple minutes. Okay. Big Swinging Nick says, Dick, don't let Vito convince you he won. The winner for the episode is whoever brought in the biggest problem for that episode.

That's why it's called the biggest problem in the universe, not the highest total score if you combine the total votes of the problems from last episode. I think he's right. Yeah, well. Opeth said, maybe Mario is like Danny DeVito and is actually 4'10 in real life, and when he gets the mushroom, he grows to a normal man size, and Peach is just tall for an average woman.

This confirms that Danny DeVito should have played Mario in the movie. Luigi is a lot taller than Mario but maybe he's just like 5'5 or something.

Did you ever think of that? Well, Luigi in the original game is the same size as Mario. We're having this weird Mario canon thing where your Mario canon is the original game

strictly. Yeah. Actually, my canon Cannon is the original game strictly. Yeah. Actually, my cannon starts with Donkey Kong. Right. Because that was Mario's... It starts even farther back. So does Nintendo's.

Paulina, Paulina, whatever his name is in the new Donk City. And she's huge. She's gigantic. It makes even less sense. The women

in the season... And her hair color has changed. She's huge. Mario is like at her pussy height. Peach is his size, cartoonishly. And there's no mushroom. And Donkey Kong's not even in the city named for him.

Explain that. It's ridiculous. Hey, Dick and Vito, the problem with lab-grown meat is that a lot of the animals that we raise for slaughter would either go extinct or would run wild and become invasive. We're going to have invasive cows? Is that what he's... Right. This sounds reasonable.

I saw somebody else trying to make that point. They're like, well, then, you know, what happens to all the animals? We just kill them all? I'm like, no, we just don't breed more of them. And that's what we do. Yeah, we'll kill them for meat, and we'll eat that meat, and then slowly phase it out In favor of the lab ground

Yeah we're not gonna have What Invasive Like mosquitoes Gonna be chickens Flying at you all summer As the sundown hits We'll be like

Oh fuck Get on the chicken repellent Your kids try to go outside Oh god Kids coming in with feathers Sticking out of his All over him His pants and shit

Not to mention People were talking about The wild hogs are a problem. They actually cleared all the wild hogs from Oklahoma. Oh. I think it was Oklahoma. Colorado, maybe. We can deal with invasive species, guys. We have the technology.

As that we are the top of the food chain. Like, this guy had anything to do with that. Yeah, you really got us there. Thanks for helping us climb that ladder. We really fucking buckled down and fucking lifted our way. with that yeah you really got us there thanks for helping us climb that ladder we yeah we really fucking buckled down and fucking lifted our way to the top of the food chain okay dude it is our responsibility to maintain it ours by eating mcdonald's right amazingly we maintain dominance over other animals that we don't eat like we don't eat you

know every animal on earth and we're still above them on the chain what are we maintaining yeah we're not doing anything we're watching tv and playing video games our dominance over the rhino population has nothing to do with how many rhinos we eat and not destroy it because it hurts our feelings to kill other things for food okay uh other animals kill for food no shit did you know that act like animals you know that other animals are killing for food i hate the appeal i don't fucking know that's a problem i should bring in the appeal to nature where it's like well if animals do it then we should do the exact same thing or the opposite yeah um other animals kill it's part of nature uh We have always been So is eating poop That's an argument for rape

Animals Be careful Animals rape the shit Out of each other So anytime you go Well they do that They give them They give them little gifts

No they don't actually They get consent Animals have consent Only animals that enjoy sex Rape Like dolphins and otters And Gorillas I'm sure

And people Yeah Yeah Cause sex feels great um some cultures did practice herbivorism in the past but they ended up either wiped out because they weren't as strong okay buddy eat as much meat as you want no one's trying to take your fucking meat we're just saying if you can get meat in other ways it'd be great it would be horrible to have to kill things for it if it was exactly identical to not killing for it yeah

we have pleather like we have leather substitutes that people do use i mean it's not as good but if it was as good it's okay for some people okay captain insano thank you thank you for your comments all right let's just go murder 100 animals so captain insano feels better uh nano usb said dude that was an awful episode i had to vote up all the problems get some imbalance in your mix seriously though awesome show so he he got us with a little lead in there he got me keep it going guys thank you by the way not really awful you really turned it around on me all right is it it my turn? Yeah, I guess you won the traditional rules.

It's the biggest problem. What's funny is somebody tallied it up and they're like, Vito, you would've won one extra episode being the previous episode. Otherwise, it would be

exactly the same. All that matters is who counts the votes, right? Gotta stop the steal. Us sneaky Italian-Americans are always trying to get one over on you. Speaking of Italianian americans my

problem is all right fake holiday outrage it's columbus day coming up do you know that which i only knew that because of the fake holiday literally screeching the only time i hear about columbus day is because somebody is complaining about columbus day that's the only time i hear about columbus day is because somebody is complaining about columbus day that's the only reason i was gonna call this i was gonna call this week and somebody said well we have monday off because of columbus day ew i'm like you need to specify you need to say columbus day and then add the ew what are you so go to work then nobody's stopping you what do you mean ew this is here's what uh do you mean? Here's why it's a big problem. Here's what I find funny about Columbus Day.

People think that we're celebrating Columbus on Columbus Day. That it's all about how Columbus was a great guy. It's like you're a jolly good... Like, oh man, Columbus is the greatest guy in the world. It's just that that's the only guy that everyone could remember. We had a Mother's Day and a Father's Day. I was like, uh-oh, now who are we going to go to? Well, we got Jesus, God.

Everybody knows Jesus. Like, yeah, yeah, yeah, Jesus Day. Okay, everybody likes boning, right? Yeah, we got a day for boning. Okay, who else? Does anybody remember? I don't know. Columbus, the guy that discovered the? Does anybody remember? I don't know. Columbus? The guy that discovered the country,

I guess? I don't know. I remember him from school. Okay, everybody remember that guy? Alright. That's gonna be the next. What about, you know, what about that black guy? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Martin Luther King Jr. or not Jr.? I don't remember that part. MLK Day. I know he was a king. I don't know which country. I know he was a king. He wore a lot of suits, right?

He was black and white Always So it's probably 1800s 1700s Or something like that It's called Columbus Day Because

America America Is too stupid To remember Anything else They could call it Cowboys They could call it

What are they gonna call it Television day Yeah television day Hey we got television day off Yeah We already have Pilgrim Day That's our Thanksgiving I already have Pilgrims First guys here What are they going to call it? Television day? Yeah, television day. Hey, we got television day off. Yeah. We already have Pilgrim Day. That's our Thanksgiving.

I already have Pilgrims. First guy's here. We remember. What about the guy who discovered this place? Yeah, he was a little earlier. Yeah, we'll give him one too. Okay, that's it. Do we have anything? George Washington's birthday.

I remember that guy. We can have a moon day. No, we already used the moon. What about the sun? What is it? Back to guys. Too much. what about the sun back to guys we gotta go back to guys it's not about the day was never as a kid what about guys who work real hard oh yeah we'll do one of those labor day yeah working i hate working i hate working okay working yeah where we think

about that survey says ding all the americans mostly know about working. Yeah. It's just things we know of. Trees. We got a tree day? I don't know. Yeah, kind of. But I hate them. I guess we do have a sex day with a... What about war?

We got presidents. What presidents do you remember? The first one? The guy on the $1? Yeah. And the guy on the $5? What about anybody else? Uh, no.

No. That's it. Okay. Didn't they try to give jfk a holiday at one point yeah but people like is that the black guy where i thought he was the other day like no that's mlk dude it's a different k we don't have a reagan day never trying to get that pissed never was it about you weren't a kid going oh man we got the day off because columbus was so amazing it was just that guy that you remember from school,

you fucking idiot. So, but you're worried about the outrage around this or the... Yeah. Yeah. It's bullshit. That every time we talk about it,

people need to bring up that it sucks. You know, I looked up some stuff, too, that Columbus did, and it's not even really that bad. Okay, well, I don't know about that. Do you have all the stats in front of you? Yeah, I brought some of it in.

I'm just going to hit up the Wikipedia. This is how bad that Columbus was, right? Columbus the hero. Let's just celebrate it like they think we've been celebrating it the whole time. Okay? If it's going to be such a big problem, we're going to go to... It's Columbus the hero day from now on. That's a little far.

Because we wouldn't have America. We'd be living under Nazi Germany on. That's a little far. Because we wouldn't have America. We'd be living under Nazi Germany rule. Here's what Columbus said. We wouldn't have America, but we would have Nazi Germany. Uh-huh. They brought us parrots and balls of cottons and spears and many other things. They willingly traded everything they owned. They were well built with good bodies and handsome features.

See? He's complimentary of the Indians. Oh, he likes them. Yeah. They do not bear arms they they do not know them for i showed them a sword and they took it by the edge and cut themselves out of ignorance so they have no iron their spears are made of cane they would make fine servants with 50 men we could subjugate them and make them do whatever they he's just talking about

getting them jobs getting them an education he's like 50 guys, we could subjugate whatever that happens to mean to the people. And get them servant jobs. They could be inside, out of the harsh nature, harsh monstrous nature. Go ahead. I don't think you read into this nearly as much. By the way, he didn't say the N-word once in that whole passage. Can you believe that? He did't say the N-word once in that whole passage. Can you believe that? He did not say the N-word. Most of our commenters on YouTube

cannot go a single sentence without saying the N-word yet. Here's Columbus, the monster, not using the N-word not even coming close. The punishment for an indigenous person aged 14 or older who failed to fill a hawk's bell of gold dust

worth about $400, every three months was to cut off the hands of those without tokens and leave them to bleed to death. He's joking. He's saying, what are you going to do? If you don't bring me a whole sack of gold, I'm going to cut your hands off. He's joking. It just doesn't translate into this modern age.

Some historians have argued that the accounts of the brutality of Columbus have been exaggerated as part of the black legend, a historical tendency of anti-Spanish sentiment. So maybe it's over. Maybe it's not. Here's one. Here's a totally real story from a priest, by the way, possibly a child molesting one. I don't know. They didn't keep records of that sort of thing back then or now las casas describes how spaniards rode on the

backs of natives so they're giving the piggyback rides around town natives love them so much that they allowed them to ride on them i'm saying you're telling me that the spaniards the conquistadors would take time out of their day of raping and cutting kids' hands off to climb on top of some Indians and ride them around like they're playing chicken? Does that sound like something that actually happened? Okay, buddy. Sure, they're riding you around. I'm sure that's... Have you ever seen somebody ride another man around?

Like, even in, like, the most war-torn regions of Africa? Have you seen that? Have you ever fucking seen that? This problem seems very Columbus-focused, I feel. This is just a full-throated defense of Christopher Columbus. Okay, Columbus hate then. Yeah. Yeah.

Columbus hate. That's my problem. Columbus hate is your problem. He goes, the guy, the priest, who might be a pedophile, goes on to say, how the Spaniards thought nothing of knifing Indians by tens of twenties and of cutting off slices of them to test the sharpness of their blades. How are you giving this as a defense of Columbus?

You think there's going around just stabbing people like nothing and that's they're getting away with that? Maybe. Get your ass kicked if you do that. I don't care how many weapons. I think one guy's gonna go, okay, let me give you the knife. Bop. I think the point is that they showed up and they had greater numbers and greater weapons,

technology, weaponry. How long is that going to last? I don't know, man. Yeah, you're right. Because when we showed the native Americans,

you know, as we know, fought us man to man and currently have equal numbers. Hey, they put up a good, they put up a hell of a fight the taliban sure put up a good fight yeah well they do take our weapons away from you and right yeah uh he adds saying all of this historically you dispute the historical writing around

if you're gonna throw in they were riding around natives yeah playing chicken and shit i gotta have to say well then a lot of it i don't know. They're playing servant polo. Two of these so-called Christians met. See, he throws that in too. Two of these so-called Christians met two Indian boys one day, each carrying a parrot. They took the parrots for fun and beheaded the boys. They took the parrots? Well.

Why would they take the parrots and behead? It sounds like more incredulousness over what you're just disputing. Like a comedy movie, like Dumb and Dumber. Pets' heads are falling off. No, they killed the kids and took the parents. Okay, here's some information for you. You want to be so bent out of shape about Columbus. You're just disputing this based on the absurdity of the accounts.

It's retarded. Yeah, maybe Columbus was retarded he said i don't know people were kind of crazy back then i mean look he had a bunch of slaves and sent them back to spain what was i'm sure he was buying the slaves too or were other people buying them oh so he's not solely to blame because everybody had slaves i mean it's a slave culture yeah well i didn't i think once you start cutting off hands for not digging enough golds out of the mine for you or whatever it's just an incentive that's an incentive he's just a really strict boss see vito he was just angry at them and wanted them to be afraid that something bad would happen to them i'm so

mad i'm so mad this problem is gonna get voted voted out. People are going, yeah, he's just a good guy. History, you know, doesn't respect. Would you say that somebody would have discovered America anyway if not for Columbus? They already had. There's already people living here. Okay, then someone would have done the same thing with the slaves then, too. Because the market was there. That is how it works.

You can't take away one and say it would have anyway and then say well the slaves that was definitely your choice okay finding a land mass is an eventuality of exploring cutting off his slavery and cutting off people's hands it's not a like self-determined thing that must happen what if if a if it got kids to bring you bags of gold would you threaten to cut off their hand no okay yeah right no because you're being recorded that's why you say oh yeah no i would actually cut off their hands come on hold on okay no no no no no no what are you reading yes because this is ridiculous okay british historian basil davidson is dubbed columbus the father of the slave trade that's not

a good that's not a good look that's not good he was the first man to license african slaves to the caribbean uh oh and then of course the depopulations the pre-columbian population of hispanolia was as much as maybe 2 million but let's see some have estimated that a third or more of the natives in Haiti were dead within the first two years of his governorship he killed a third of the people

in two years that's pretty bad maybe he doesn't deserve a holiday. Maybe it could be something else. Okay, let me... You're Italian, right? I am, man.

Like Christopher Columbus? Yeah. As a Latinx person, I want to say that I forgive you. Okay. And love you. And Christopher Columbus. Despite the... No, you should not...

I forgive you. Why is you a Latinx person? Why Columbus? You forgive us for Columbus. He's a hero. He got everybody the day off work. Without him, we got no holiday. Now we have George Floyd Day.

Are they making a George Floyd Day? Yeah, Juneteenth. All right. That's basically George Floyd. Did they make that a national holiday? Yeah, Biden did. Good. So without Christopher Columbus. You can't complain about gas prices if we get an a national holiday? Yeah. Biding did. Good. So without Christopher Columbus.

Can't complain about gas prices if we get an extra national holiday. Indian Day? No. Indigenous People Day? Indigenous People Day. People don't know what that fucking word means. So that's not sticking. Well, I will say.

What the hell is that? That's your dog. Oh, God. I thought it was a crazy holiday. There's some sort of Columbus out here. I will say it is not okay to take away our Italian-American holiday and make it a

Native American holiday. You can make a separate Native American holiday, but I think we could come up with, you know, a replacement Italian-American holiday, like Mario Day, Mario Day, Pizza Day,

Robert De Niro's Happy Funtime Pizza Day starring Mario and Chef Boyardee, all classic Italian-American legends. Here's one for all you fucking idiots that have a problem with... Danny DeVito Day, yes. You ever heard of a little day called Wednesday?

Yeah. Named after the Norse god Odin. Okay. He raped a lady. Well, let's change that. Wednesday is named after a rapist. You want to have such a big... It's a big problem.

You got to stop saying hump day. You got to stop using Wednesday. Is that why they call it hump day? Because he's a rapist? Yeah. Here's another thing for you. How about the month of August? Here's a little quote from, I didn't write down the historian's name.

Although the youth, this is Augustus Caesar. Augustus is named after. Augustus. youth this is a augustus caesar august is named after augustus although the youth augustus is powerful and has told anthony off nicely yet after all this is at the celebration of julius caesar's coronation or something we must wait to see the end but what a speech he swore his oath with the words so may i achieve the honors of my father and at the same time he stretched out his right hand in the direction of his statue like a Nazi.

Oh, he made a little salute to himself. August is named after a Nazi. Okay. A Nazi saluting. No, no, no, no. Yes.

No. These are just the things these are the things of all the things to focus on Caesar for his Nazi saluting. Augustus, yeah. He's rampaging across a continent and conquering.

There you go. That's my problem. Columbus hate. Columbus hate. Columbus hate. Columbus, the destruction of the Columbus legacy. Just Columbus hate. Columbus hate.

You can never destroy that man's legacy. I think it's kind of falling down around him. Aren't they taking down his statues, I think? Doesn't matter. everyone will still know because they're gonna because because people are who are pissed off talk about it more like Howard Stern the people who hate Columbus yeah talk

about him a hundred times more than it is just one of those things where every time the day comes up I'm like all right we're gonna complain about it again this year we're just gonna accept it forever do something about it or don't you don't need to tweet indigenous people's day and did no no no we're not it's not we're not taking that you know why they started indigenous people did a bunch of bad stuff too oh by the way that's the problem chopping off heads and kicking them down pyramids and shit i almost brought in that problem this week maybe next week i'll bring that in bring

you're bringing indigenous people uh no that's not the problem necessarily i won't give away the title of it okay uh go ahead i went yesterday i was trying to play a i have a playstation you have a playstation as well i believe yeah and i wanted to play a video game a video game took it off my shelf put it on my playstation all excited to play oh what do i gotta do give me a drum roll tick my problem is console game installations what the fuck is this yeah the whole point of a video game console the one thing that made it stand out from pcs you just take it off the shelf you put the cartridge in You put the disc in You play a fucking video game That's it If I want to install a thing I go to my computer

So why do we even have game consoles If now you get the disc All that's on it is basically an installation file That I gotta wait half an hour Before I even play a fucking video game Half hour if you're lucky Because then there's updates They fucked us.

They totally fucked us. And we just accepted it without question. This was first with the PS4. The PS4. Yeah. Architect Mark Kearney, fucking devil in sheep's clothing, comes in and tells us,

well, you guys, ideally, the way I've set up our architecture, you should not have to wait more than an hour before getting to play your partially downloaded games. An hour? Bitch. You didn't tell me that when I load up my game, there's going to be eight fucking patches

that I have to apply to make it run correctly. You cocksucker. You did not tell us this. And now we just accept it. Nobody goes like, hey, this sucks they go i got why are people trying to get a ps5 i hate having a ps5 yeah it's a waste of my time christmas has turned into my brother-in-law and i watching installations after the the kids go to bed yeah we fire up the old installer yeah the new gears of war installer what on new year's eve and get

it all installed for them? Or do you do it on Christmas? No, that's for us. Oh, right. For our game. Right. Fuck that. Their shit works perfectly.

Yeah, because they're just playing Minecraft. Oh, because, yeah, the Switch is just plugged in. Downloads and goes. The cartridge. Yeah, or it's a cartridge. It should be a fucking cartridge. Dude, the cartridges are so much better than this. Like, the install shit that you can't share games or give them away when you're done is such bullshit.

Dude, everything about video game consoles has become... Because I have a bunch of PS4 games and I finally realized, I don't want these. I'm starting to sell them off. I'm like, I'm just going to get anything that I can't just immediately put into the console and play it. I'm like, what the fuck's the point? I'll just download it then. But the worst thing is that they give you a hard drive in the thing that isn't even big enough to hold enough

fucking games. Right now, what do you call it? A PlayStation 5 comes with and says, ooh, it has 825 gigabytes of storage space, of which you can only use 660 gigabytes. Okay, so you don't get that much. How many games is that? I'm always freaked out that I'm going to lose, that I'm not going to have enough

space, because I have no idea how big the fucking games are. Okay, I'll give you an example of PS5 games. Mortal Kombat 11, 84 gigabytes. NBA 2K whatever, 100 gigabytes. Hitman, 100 gigabytes. Spider-Man. Miles Morales Ultimate Edition, which is not, as far as I know, even a full-length game. It's like half a Spider-Man Miles Morales Ultimate Edition Which is not as far as I know Even a full length game It's like half a Spider-Man game

Okay Because it's like a spin-off Of the actual Spider-Man game Where he plays the black one 170 gigabytes Can't say that What you can't say the black one? No that's Venom

No it's the symbiote suit The African one The African No you can't say that African-American one He's half African American. I think he's half LeTanks. Yeah.

Yeah. They really hit all the fucking demographic boxes with that guy. Although it is smart to make him LeTanks because you know where Spider-Man is most popular? Mexico, I think. Spider-Man. Spider-Man. They call him. Spider-Huey.

What is the? Spider. Spider. Spider-Ombre. Spider-Ombre. Yes. Oh, Spider-Ombre is so fast. Yeah.

He swings around. And of course... His web makes shirts and stuff. Yeah. For all the little boys. And then the sweatshirt. Runs around town, throws them at him. And of course, Call of Duty,

weighing in at a massive 225 gigabytes. You put Call of Duty on there, you don't have room for... Yeah. You got room for a couple more games, maybe. Well, it's like... They've turned a console into the six-disc CD changer. Yeah.

Where you just pick six when you get it, and that's your like Disco Fever 2, the best of the BGs, and one of the CDs from the Elvis 70s masters, Spin Doctors and Aerosmith, and then that's it. That's all you get. It's a box that plays those six CDs. And you can't switch it out and the worst part is not only can you not just plug the cd in and just play it is that also the games aren't even done on the disc it's like there's not a full game on there yeah because they ship it and they go okay good let's start printing them now and then we have an extra two months

before it actually comes out To keep working on it Uh-huh So you have to get that day one patch Or it just does not fucking work Like they ship you a basically It's like almost functioning Yeah Did you see all the shit that happened with Cyberpunk?

Did you see that game that came out? Oh yeah it was all messed up Dude If you try to play it off the disc It is literally just crashes every five seconds It is ridiculous What should they do? They should work the developers harder I think If you try to play it off the disc, it literally just crashes every five seconds. It is ridiculous. What should they do?

They should work the developers harder, I think. Developers are phoning it in. I would say... Have their hands threatened to chop them off? Well, there's a lot of... No bugs today. No. Why would he chop their hands off? Because then they couldn't get any more gold.

Are we back on Columbus? Are we back on Columbus now? It makes no sense to chop hands off because then they couldn't pick any more gold it makes no sense it just makes no it makes no sense to chop hands off because then they couldn't pick up gold they couldn't do anything yeah but that encourages everybody else to do it better having a guy with no hands yeah you chop his hands off so everybody else's hands are busier what do you do with the hands the guy the guy who doesn't have hands and picks up gold with his feet maybe you leave him one hand he could picks up half the gold. Now you're negotiating.

I don't... I think it was a motivator. Maybe they just... I think they leave him to bleed out. Didn't they say that? He bleeds out in the street. Motivation has changed a lot. I feel like we're switching topics.

Go ahead. I feel like we're switching topics. Honestly, I think you just get rid of game consoles at this point. I feel like why buy a... Just have a PC at this point. Sony should... Not PCs are such a pain in the ass. It never works. at this point i feel like why buy a play just have a pc at this point sony sony should not pcs are such a pain in the ass it never works then you should make it i think one way they

could do it is say you can download it now and the disc won't come out until it's like completely finished or something but as is i mean they're just putting shit out that is unfit there's no reason to have the disc the disc means nothing at this point well there's also no reason to have an install there's no reason to install software where the hardware is identical in all cases like it should for the amount of money that you're paying 80 bucks 90 bucks for some of this shit you should have a cartridge with a solid state hard drive that has everything pre-installed to run on an identical system to all the others that you just plug in yeah like if you buy it they should at least send you a fucking disc i mean it's you're talking about fractions of a penny in manufacturing

that they fuck you over with just like send you with not send you a thing yeah i don't understand why i mean you can just you could just ship people hard drives that they just plug in as a fucking thing. Yeah. Because hard drive costs are not that ridiculous, right? I mean, yeah. I guess the Switch does it. I mean, but the problem is, yeah, the Switch does it. The problem is then their profit margins go from 100% to 99.

Like, oh, we got to actually ship them like a thing that has actual hardware. Now they just sell you a download and it's like, yeah, 100%. Or again, a disc which cost i think at one point pressing a cd costs something when the technology was new but they've got it down to they don't even give you a fucking instruction manual anymore that's what really fucking pisses me off that really pisses because it's like buying a game used to be like oh cool it's like a whole package you know you read it on the way home in a car yeah the instruction manual out you're like oh i can get the rocket launcher and it has a spread fire like you're all excited amazing now it's just like here take this and you're like what it's just it's nothing it's nothing it's a disc with an install fucking thing on it you feel nothing for having it yeah consumerism has become like so depressing oh here

we go no no it used to be that like buying something it kind of like when you bought a vhs copy of ghostbusters you're like wow i own a copy of ghostbusters i can watch this whenever i want uh-huh now you buy like a fucking blu-ray of ghostbusters there's the only an email about it you get oh great you get a digital code. You can watch it on our fucking download service. It's got all these fucking... It was special before it felt good, and now it feels bad.

Now it feels like I'm exhausting a resource that's precious to me just by buying it. There used to be like a level of artifice where it was like, no, you're actually obtaining an item of worth your money has purchased something that is worth the equivalent of what your money has been now every transaction feels like a scam like you gave us 60 for nothing there's nothing even if you buy this and plug it in you can't even play it yet and you're not we were gonna make you sit there and

just download it anyway you fucking idiot and if you buy the DLC wrong, you don't get bonus things. Right. I bought the Smash Brothers game. Oh, you bought the wrong DLC? I thought I bought the best one, but then I don't have Petey Piranha. So every time I play with my nephews, they're whipping Petey Piranha out. I'm like, I don't fucking have this guy. And you can't get it now because it was a limited time thing.

You don't have to pay for it he used to be free and then there's just a bunch of anime goofballs that i don't understand now everybody's got a sword there's too many sword guys in the smash brothers they slapped those chicks with big tits on there though that was nice ones from xenoblade they have huge knockers they didn't have to they didn't have to do that but i like the switch because when i buy a switch it almost feels like I'm actually getting something. Yeah. Because I can just take it off the shelf. It's like I'm not looking at my shelf and being like,

oh, there's a bunch of download access codes that I own. They're not games. They're access to an online database of valueless downloadable content that this company is laughing at me that i have paid them money for something i will never actually own in any real respect like at least i can trade the disc to somebody else so what my idea you want them to do just send you with the cartridge if they gave you like a hard drive i would be like at least i kind of own a thing that i could just plug in and fucking play it i don't want to install it on this tiny shitty hard drive you give me i know i hate it and then when i want to play a new game they're like well you got to delete an old one because you're out of space and then i gotta look and i

gotta figure out which game i'm not gonna play any of my saves surviving oh the saves in the cloud and if you don't forget to pay for your Playstation membership Delete all your saves I just miss having like a cartridge Yeah That's why everybody loves the Switch though I think that's what they don't understand though Why does everybody keep buying the Switch

Because it feels like you own something Because it works like a video game It's a video game It is a video game console It's not like this subscription It's not an abstract Yeah literally money bleeding subscription box that you put in your household you go well i guess i gotta pay 60 a month so i can play games online

and i don't know i guess there's some stuff on sale so i should spend some money on some fucking downloads it's all intangible garbage they messed up your video games they really they really screwed it up i really don't like it You need a guy like Columbus to get in there Clean it up I don't think Columbus could have helped me Make things work You saw I got that Neo Geo arcade cabinet

Do you know how big a Neo Geo cartridge is? Yeah, yeah, huge You know you own a video game at that point When I look at these Neo Geo cartridges I got I'm like, see? And there's like two fucking circuit boards in there. Yeah. It's so,

that's why I'm selling, I'm actually selling my PS4 games because there's a guy on Craigslist who's got a bunch of sweet Neo Geo games. I'm like, I want to buy those. How much time do you spend like wheeling and dealing with video games?

Why isn't there, first of all, why isn't there like, like my dad Yeah. watches those fucking Pond Stars and shit. Wheeler dealer.

I don't know if he watches pawn stars he watches the guys buying cars and fixing them up and uh american pickers there's a bunch of that stuff you know i'm trying to tell you what show he watches what show all right sorry i'm all excited i'm all flustered with this video game shit we buy cars and fix them up and flip them wheeler dealer why isn't there a youtube show like that with you buying these buying shitty video games and selling them for like $10? I bought a Pokemon Pikachu with a vibrating pack and I'm just a fucking I can flip it around.

I'm buffing out the blemish on the box. I don't flip nearly as I mostly hoard and then I flip. Do you have a disease? I have a disease i have like a compulsion i do have a guy who might be coming over after the show to uh buy a super nintendo from me so i'm trying to get rid of it super nintendo yeah i'm selling a super nintendo one is your house like one oh i have like 20 super nintendos like sitting in a pile you brought over a counterfeit 007 what game is that? GoldenEye 007

well the N64s are easier to sell if they have games but then you took it home with you the next time you came over you're like hey can I get that cartridge back? yeah to flip it you didn't tell me you wanted to play it again why would i not want to play golden eye but then randy fucking yelled at me because i took it back i thought you guys just wanted to play it that one night why would we only want to play golden

eye one time i didn't know that you guys were having like a whole n64 friendship party i think randy stole it anyway yeah you might have yeah whatever i got it from china for like took your precious copy of golden eye that you probably have 50 of. Yeah, well, I bought them from China for five bucks each. So I'm probably okay on that. It's easier to flip the N64s if they have games. So I just get a bunch of bootleg games from China. See, like that kind of wheeling dealing is so weird.

I could make like a... I've thought about making a little video. Counterfeit Chinese games. Yeah. Well, because people don't want to buy the N64 unless it's got like Mario, Zelda, Smash Brothers. So I'm like, yeah, I got those. It's just, you know, when you boot them up,

it goes, oh, ni hao, welcome to a Smash Brothers. Really? No, it's the exact same fucking game. I would like that game. It's just a little, it's just got a shitty label on it. Like a racist game? Yeah.

Racism at you. I actually remember seeing a news article where someone's like i bought this shrek game for my uh daughter when you boot it up it just says the n-word 50 times and the newspaper was like i can't believe nintendo would release that i'm like no that's not i didn't really intend i didn't like did you guys not take two seconds to like read hacksword by zq95 and word word like you thought that was an official nintendo release mario but the game mario but the character's chinese like and he makes those sounds like appropriate sounds yeah you know like wow like mario does yeah except he's chinese yeah

right yeah that's the game he's a chinese guy making wahoos yeah so i don't know i called this problem uh console game installations that's a that's a bad one i hate it every christmas when we load up that it really brings me and my brother-in-law together yeah well they say before you give your kid a game console you should open it up and install all the patches so your kid's not there on Christmas. You know what? I hate. Struggling.

I knew parents that would assemble their, like my friend had the Rambo. Playset. Playset. Yeah. Which is amazing. They sold Rambo toys to kids. There was a lot of weird stuff from that era. And it was awesome.

Yeah. I remember it was like, yeah, that's awesome. Dude, there was. Rambo's dope. Did you ever see like the old ads for like the alien toys from like kenner and you're like dude that thing is like yeah it's a horror movie how is that for kids dude we watched it yeah and it was a sweet alien figure it's horrifying it was designed but it's a p it's a big penis monster the guy who designed it was like yeah it's phallic imagery like i gave him a giant penis for a head yeah was that not obvious i wanted my nephew i asked my sister like okay my can your

nephews play super hot and i showed her she's like oh no that's too violent what the fuck you talking about yeah meanwhile what is that all these 12 year olds are playing grand theft auto um then they watch the rabbits show these rabbits are kicking the shit out of each other it's like rabbits is like saw for kids like these rabbits are just fucking torturing each other it's always was uh yeah so wait your friend's parents set up his rambo play set for him yeah uh that sucks though i know that's like coming downstairs like here's your legos they're all set up santa built your legos for you was the kid excited that's the future of dads is dads building

their kids Legos here's your Millennium Falcon I know how much you like Star Wars especially the first three right no that's really I thought about that

recently where I'm like you know they're making a new Ghostbusters movie yeah and I'm like so and it stars kids I'm like are kids gonna care about ghostbusters if it's

like specifically made for their parents to remember shit weird yeah like 20 years from now are kids gonna be nostalgic for the ghostbusters movie which was specifically nostalgic for the 80s ghost no they're gonna like like paw patrol and door of the explorer they're not gonna care about any of this man child shit. It's very weird. Which franchise? I saw Felix the Cat is coming back and I was like, just can't we let some of these things die? Okay.

Time for my problem. My problem. Time for a real problem is waiters who don't write the order down. If you are a waiter and you do this to me, I'll kill you. Yeah. At the table. Yeah. My nephew

ordered a very simple order. Pancakes with the chocolate chips in the pancakes. Okay? How else would you make chocolate chip pancakes?

You know what he got? What? Pancakes with a bunch of fucking chocolate chips thrown all over the table. The waiter didn't write it down, right? I don't even understand that. I get a call from my sister who's on vacation with her kids.

She's like, you know, he's melting. Bam Bam is melting down because his pancake order got fucked up and he keeps saying, why didn't he just write the order down? Because he didn't write, even a child knows. Why didn't you write the fucking order down? Because he didn't write, even a child knows. Why didn't you write the fucking order down? You could have not ruined my day. You ruined my day. You ruined my parents' day.

People are looking at my sister like she's a child beater. Because the fucking waiter decides to put on a performance that no one asked for and is only appreciated by the very dumbest by the armpit of the iq bell curve this i'm talking about this for you this side yeah low and then it humps up to the middle but this side right here i call that the iq armpit okay the guys who go wow i can't believe you didn't need to write any of that down. Not yet. 90. 85, 90.

The armpit of the IQ before it boosts up into normal. Pilots have, they at least write down where they're going. Yeah.

It's right on the computer. They write, they make a map. Most jobs, yeah. No other job does this. And no other, does this and no other surgeons i was gonna say doctors probably have something they got some kind of a i don't know a book or something i don't know tells them which arm to cut off and why another doctor there they got a bunch of

charts yeah something no other a construction guy doesn't go yeah i got it we're building an apartment oh yeah check this out everybody i'm gonna build this thing without writing anything A construction guy doesn't go, I got it. We're building an apartment. Oh, yeah. Check this out, everybody. I'm going to build this thing without writing anything down. Write the shit down. What's your purpose here? Are you an entertainer?

Are you like a mentalist like Danny Gans entertaining everyone with your fucking amazing powers of mind memory? Just write the fucking order down. Don't make this all about you, you shithead. To get a dollar extra in tips from some fat yokel family who wandered in here off of their Grapes of Wrath caravan and is giggling themselves stupid, it's your ability to remember four things. Yeah. Write it down.

Especially because you don't know how complex the order is going to get like you could start off being like oh they're gonna and then people have little things i don't want sauerkraut or put this on the side yeah i'm just gonna start from now on if i see that if a waiter's doing that after i kill them i'm gonna start reading the digits of pi 3.145 just in the middle of the order she's like wait wait wait wait wait fuck i gotta write it down it and i had that with a waiter too where they keep coming back to the table and they go who had the thing you had the pilsner right and then i'm like yeah and they did it like twice making me reorder yeah just write it write it. That's all you have to do.

I don't know. Yeah. I think it's just a laziness. Well, I tried to find some reasons why waiters don't do this. Do they have servers gave their reasons? You know what? You know who memorizes things and everyone's impressed?

Children. They memorize poems. Times tables. Times tables. Oh, check this out. I know. I'm singing the... We're all having a big pageant

and we're singing the 12 Days of Christmas that we all memorized. Oh, it's fucking great. Yeah. Can't believe it. When an adult comes up to you and says check out this thing I memorized, you say get the fuck away from me. I don't fucking care if you memorized something. Yeah, whenever they have those guys who did

actually memorize the digits of pi, I go, well, that's a waste of my time. They're retarded. Memorizing is for little children and retarded people. Autistic, whatever. Whatever is politically correct in this Christopher Columbus hating world. We're autistic listeners. We love you.

I found some reasons that they give some restaurants require that you write nothing down this guy says most don't though it's really not that hard to remember four or five orders but you fucked up the chocolate chips i don't understand why you make chocolate chip pancakes and not put were they like uncooked like chocolate chips on top yeah because he fucking didn't remember it he didn't write it down and then probably remembered

when it was too late and said oh throw some chocolate chips on there that's my thinking but I would have caused if that happened to me I would have caused

a gigantic scene and said exactly that well I would have been like go back there it takes five minutes to cook a pancake make them again make them again

make all of it again bring it all out at the same time Make every single Yeah dish again We're not eating in front of him Cause he's gonna melt down Throw it all away

Throw it at some homeless person Make it all again Why am I doing your job? Yeah You should know this Write it Write this down Actually

Get a piece of paper out And write down Make it again And don't fuck up this time It's really I mean i understand you're making a lot of orders but if yeah if you had a thing in front of you there's really no excuse and you can look at it and be like oh i made that then if you ever written down you go oh i made that wrong well i'm not gonna send it out because it's wrong wrong i'm not gonna go out and ask them

if they want me to make it again i'm'm just going to make it again. Especially pancakes. Oh, you know what? By the way, the kitchen fucked up. You did. The kitchen didn't do it. I know for a fact, because those are chefs, and you're an idiot. The kitchen fucked this up. That's the other thing.

Why would the chefs know? You know, but then you've got to communicate with the chefs. So there's so many layers at which it can go wrong. And there's one who can lie about everything. Right. Here's the other popular reasons they gave. Because the computer prints it out, and we have to use a POS, a point-of-sale system.

So they have to go use a computer to put in the order that prints out the ticket. And they can't write on that. No, there's always a waste. It's such a waste to write down and then go use the computer so they just remember remember it yeah go to the computer what a waste yeah other reason uh i get more tips from surprise folks that's so stupid i have never tipped anyone more because they didn't write down my order yeah That's moronic. Wow, you're really a wonderkind. Have you ever like,

when have you ever given a server like more of a tip? What would they have to do? Yeah, if they're like a hot chick. Yeah, that's it. And because they pour insanely loaded drinks. Yeah. If I order a whiskey and it comes back

and it makes me sick, you see, then they're getting a 10% tip. 10%. Oh. High roller here. High roller. Up from the normal three or four. That's my problem. Look, it's just...

Just write it down. This has got to be one of the first inventions. I don't know. But it's there for a reason. And this don't work so good. What's worse, you know what? The brain doesn't work so good. That's a good problem.

Thank you. Have you ever had a waiter that not write something down and you're sitting there anxious the whole time, causing you intestinal problems? My waitress was great because she started telling us about the things she meant to do for us where she's like how is that bread and we're like oh we never got any bread she's like i meant to bring i meant to bring you some bread what are we what are we dating and you're oh honey i meant to get you flowers today

i'm so glad you meant to bring us some while our food's already here. That was a weird one. They can't do... They should be getting paid less. Waiters. They should be getting paid less? Waiters and game developers are overpaid and underworked

and lazy. Well, not all of the... not every waiter sucks it up. Not all. It sucks. But most. Well,

on your 10% tips, I'm sure they'll get there one of these days. Guys, let's all satirically leave 10% tips. You know where I'm a bad tipper is those deliveries.

Do you use those delivery apps? Yeah. I looked into it and it's like, they get like a minimum, whatever whatever they know exactly how much they're gonna get before the delivery happens yeah and they can say no i'm like well they have a choice oh okay so if i offer a shitty tip and they don't want to bring me the food then

i'm like all right that's your choice man yeah and then it just ends up going to some guy who's desperate and you end up spending it on video games yeah exactly i'm looking at a copy of top hunter on craigslist for 125 bucks and i'm like oh that would be great how many games do you think you have oh i know exactly how many check my uh you wrote it down i noticed well no i have a database that's good i have a database that uh gives me the current i've showed you this that's what i do at work i'm like wow when's our meeting i'll just remember it i did write it down currently have three well these are items in collection so it also includes peripherals and consoles okay 3218 things yeah things christ it's a lot it's a lot of things okay what's your last problem my last problem and the best problem is a problem we're calling master erasure oh yeah okay that's right sure this is a problem we tried to do on a ralph show

and uh we ended up just talking about chagat which i think was pretty good actually worked out that was good should have chagat come on the show. No. Come on! He can give us his biggest problem is the male unity. No, it'll... Yeah. And, you know, the age of consent, probably. Why autistic people like him can't date 12-year-olds or whatever he was doing. Uh-huh. Age of consent's too low.

Yeah. Should be 60. Should be. I don't think women should be allowed to talk or show their faces until around age 30. The word master, Dick, comes from the Latin adverb magis, meaning more, more. Not less, but more. I have more. I am the master.

That's where master comes from? That's where master comes from. From magic. Magis. A wizard. With an S. Oh, okay. But I don't know if magis. I'm sure magis probably relates to magic. Magic. A wizard. With an S. Oh, okay. But I don't know if magic is, I'm sure magic probably relates to magic as well.

First appeared in English over a thousand years ago. Okay. Referring to people who had more authority over others, rulers, employers, teachers, fathers. And the word has positive, many positive connotations. For instance, you might want to achieve in college a master's degree not for long not for long no not anymore uh maybe there's a new smart smart degree that's what they're gonna call it from now on getting to you might want to master a new skill you might want to purchase a painting from one of the old masters no or even watch a maestro which is italian for master uh conduct

an orchestra uh-huh tennis pro maybe you'll compete in the masters tournament dick no more why racist you're a fucking racist all the masters yeah because the only connotation that word has obviously is slavery the word master has never existed prior to that i don't even think it really had a slavery connotation i got on most slave owners were slave owners they weren't churching up a little bit like oh please don't call me a slave owner whoa whoa i'm the master really more of a slave master i'm more of a maestro really i'm more of a slave maestro as you would say uh this of course results in the ever-changing language uh a common term you might have heard is master bedroom yeah out of the household where dad sleeps in the big bed

uh and of course now because uh the world is racist uh real estate boards have banned the term master bedroom yes uh new york toronto houston and other cities oh really well no longer yes houston houston new york new york i get you understand is a bit liberal and whatever but houston houston will not say master bedroom anymore they'll call it slave owner slave owner bedroom in houston it went the other way like oh my god you guys made it worse yeah that's the uh that's the ensler room uh no i think they're calling it like the main bedroom the large the big bed i don't know what they're calling it primary primary bedroom sure sounds like a pedophile. You know, and that's really,

that's really going to help, you know, with, you know, housing for, for African-Americans, not calling it the master bedroom. That's very important, you know, because in 2016, black mortgage applicants were 2.6 times more likelier to have their applications turned down, but at least they can apply for a place and it doesn't have you know the slave owner's bedroom i'm just shocked that anyone was turned down for a mortgage application yeah well why that's shocking well at this point uh they'll they're they're changing the rules a little bit they got a little bit after the crash i think no little they did not the point is dick this term is so racist that it first appeared in a 1923 in a Sears catalog.

What about masturbator? Stop saying these racist terms right now. Okay, you're a maestro-bater. Maestro-bater. Yeah, it's still bad because it still means bastard. It's Italian now, so you could say it. You can't say it. You know another place you can't say master?

What? Is college. Harvard. Places like Harvard. Gail, what do you have in charge of the... Master's degree? No, in charge of the, what do you call it, the dorms? The RA?

The headmaster? The housemaster. Oh, I didn't know that was a word. Yeah, I think they use it in Harry Potter as well, you know? Sure. Those Potter heads are really coming down well students complained about the horrible racism of their schools so now we have faculty deans okay no more no more house masters to erase the legacy of all this uh and that was

at yale harvard also the massachusetts institute of technology you'd think these tech nerds would uh mit is fuck mit dude mit sucks yeah i hate mit i used to bike pass there all those Massachusetts Institute of Technology, you'd think these tech nerds would... Fuck MIT. Dude, MIT sucks. I hate MIT. I used to bike pass there every day. Cock suckers. All those little nerds. Oh, and of course, if you're a programmer... That's the worst one. Honestly.

You have the master computer and who works under the master computer? The slave. You have the drive. The slave drive. That they changed that is so bizarre. Yes, they're changing it, and it will no longer be. It'll either be main slash replica or leader slash follower.

Okay. Which just sounds... What about slave? Can you change slave, or is that still bad? Well, that's going to be follower. Leader follower instead of master slave. So master, it's not that you leader follower instead of master so master it's

not that you're in charge it's that it has any kind of connotation to slavery at all because like slave one like boba fett's ship is that bad oh did you not hear that they're getting rid of that are they getting rid of that well now when you're calling it uh boba Fett's spaceship. It used to be... It used to be... Can you wait a minute? Can you imagine? There is... Star Wars is like

a primer for racism. For kids. Yeah, it's about... Yeah. It's like, these guys look different and they all look... They all act the fucking same.

And they're slaves and there's bounty hunters. It's like, hey, yeah, it's a wild... It sucks. It's a bad universe to live in and you know

you learn but the great you know the good Jedi is like this race of people always acts aggressive and this one's always like super intelligent

and this is it's like you guys are this is you're training kids on how to do a racism yeah all the people from this race

are very intelligent yeah and all these ones and it's weird when they act out of character. If there's like a sensitive one, it's like, whoa. If there's like a robot that doesn't act like a fruit, it's like, whoa, how strange. Well, it's weird. You're breaking out and some robots do better on IQ tests.

You're going to, you know, housing applications more easily and you never know why. But they're changing the slave part well so on the toys now instead of saying slave one it just says boba fett's one spaceship yeah i was i made the joke mlk one that's gonna be mlk one black lives matter one uh i think they're actually calling it like fire spray which is the class of fire spray yeah so he drives like a certain class of dragon jizz you know yeah whatever it's i'm stupid or they're getting rid of yeah not only he's a slaver like he's a bad guy he literally is a bad he would name his ship that's the one reason i don't like that mandalorian

is they're making boba fett like kind of a good guy and i'm like no no no he's a bad guy he's a bad guy he's he's an awful sl, bounty hunting jerkwad. Yeah. They're like, no, he's actually, you know, he can have a life debt to a guy. And you're like, no, no, no, no, no, no. Stop being the back. Well, everything's stupid. And I think getting rid of a master everything. If they rename the Masters Tournament.

What are they going to name it? I don't know. They're going to call it the George Floyd Memorial Tennis Expo. That's the only way to atone for the historical i hate columbus i hate columbus george floyd memorial martin luther king day juneteenth is it junior or not junior it is i never know it's junior yeah mlk junior who's mlk his father just a guy just a black guy he was also a pastor oh yeah he's just like see it's so confusing yeah he's just like a guy so it's mlk junior day yes i didn't know that actually it is mlk junior day

yeah okay well junior has a weird connotation. What if there was a black guy, what if he was named master slave? Well, I don't know what you do in that situation. Does he cancel? I don't know what you do. It's like if a tree falls in the woods. Right?

Yeah. Okay, is there any more master? No, no. I just master erasure. I got to get rid of it. Because the only possible way to use that term is in reference to slavery apparently can you remaster something or is that no no no all these yeah all these remasterings of games change all that what do you call it rejigger it that's too close mastered no no no no no you You can't say you rejiggered it. Yeah. No, you can't say that.

Huh. Got to get rid of it. Stop remastering things. So your problem is basically, it's kind of like my Columbus problem, but not as big. Not as big? Yeah.

They're not erasing Columbus Day. They're erasing, master. It's already begun. You know what? Columbus Day is fine, baby. I would love Columbus to come back and have a reckoning for all these people they're calling them ew shitting on them all over the place talking about cutting off hands oh you should come back and cut off some hands and you'd see

a fucking day you'd have some real you'd have something to cry about for real i really think that the italian american uh community we're gonna reclaim the holiday. We're just going to give it a different name. What? Robert, Robert, fun time pizza day for Italian American boys and girls. All right, everybody. Our problems are Columbus hatred.

I don't know. Is it Columbus hatred? Whatever it is on the site. Whatever it is on the site. You'll know what it is. Yeah. Of course, console game installations yeah uh waiters who don't write down write your order down just modern console gaming i don't

know it's it's you did it the install is the most important part uh waiters who don't write things down cocky waiters yeah no the whole thing waiters who don't write waiters who don't write things down your order yeah doesn't have a cute uh term for it no because it's not it's not cute it's not funny master should stop erasure they're doing it out of greed by the way partially it sounds like it but i don't understand they're doing that agreed and to show off they're doing it to interrupt your these comments i'm reading is like uh uh here okay here's one since i don't need to write anything down my hands are free so i can get the orders while i'm watering the table like what do you like an octopus waiter you gotta

water the fucking table while you you first of all i don't believe that you can do two three things at the same time i think waiters who want you to be impressed by how good a waiter they are is the that's like the saddest worst waiter can think of. The worst waiter. Yeah. Shouldn't you as a waiter want to be like, by the way, I'm like a computer programmer in my spare time. I don't just do this.

I don't. Just write it down. Just fucking write the order down. Do you want to be known for your waitering skills? Yeah, they do. I remember the worst thing I ever had with a waiter

was we were at like a Denny's. I was a kid. It's like one of these things that always stuck with me was I was like, I want this breakfast special. And it was like eggs with like cheddar cheese on them, some hash browns, bacon, whatever. And she starts going on this spiel. She's like, well, actually, you can order this thing and this thing.

And you'll get basically the same breakfast for cheaper. And my family's like, oh, that's great. And I'm like, well, do I get cheese on the egg and she's like no and I'm like well then I I don't want it she's like but it's she and like my family is like arguing with me and I'm like can I just get the thing I want

like to not save two and this fucking waitress came in and just like her helpfulness should have said right away right away let right away, let me speak to your manager. And when he gets over, he'll say,

she called me the N-word. And she disparaged Columbus in front of my Italian family. Yeah. She said, ew, about Columbus. Disparaged it. All right, everybody.

Go to, sorry, biggestproblem.show To vote on the problems Patreon.com Slash biggest problem To listen to our Fantastic bonus episode

And more to come It was great It was really great We gotta figure out How often we do those Once a month I think Maybe Whenever

Whenever we want It's up to us We're in charge here We're the masters here. Uh-oh. We got voicemails too. I forgot if I play out the chat. Oh yeah, sure.

There you go. Whoa. Oh. It's got two super chats. You want to read them? Go for it. We have a super chat from Pop Quiz for $4.99. It says, who farted?

And a super chat from Renegade Priest who says, stop ignoring us. Wonderful. Thanks, guys. I don't know how well we can integrate the chat. Before we get into voicemails, Dick, I have a gift from a fan. Oh. He said you'd get it. Uh, yeah. It's a bottle of, uh, Fireball Whiskey. Fireball liqueur.

It's Fireball flavored liqueur. It says it's not It says whiskey With natural cinnamon flavor Is that Does that sound like whiskey to you? I don't know Natural cinnamon

I mean I'm not gonna drink this shit It's full of glycol It got melted plastic parts I don't know It's not whiskey It's a plastic bottle Which is always good Would you say fireball

Is a good sipping whiskey? No You wouldn't No You kinda gotta mix it With a million things To make it not taste like cinnamon. Yeah. Yeah.

Because no one likes cinnamon except for- I really don't like cinnamon. Women like cinnamon. I'm trying to think of any situation in which I like cinnamon and there's really none. You don't wake up every day- Maybe like a Cinnabon, but I really don't even like Cinnabon. Cinnamon up my buns. Yeah.

Throw some cinnamon on there, on my Toast Crunch. I don't like Toast up my buns yeah throw some cinnamon on there on my toast crunch i don't like toast crunch uh cinnamon's horrible okay here we go i do get it thank you to the fan a good joke maybe i'll take it with you it is a good somebody i'll take it with a former idiot that i used to work with said fireball is a quote good he was trying to show off. Yeah. For some reason, he was trying to show off his knowledge of whiskey. He brought up Fireball? In front of both, in front

of two alcoholics. Right. And he said Fireball, it's a good sipping whiskey. What? It's not even a whiskey. Yeah. Not at all. It's like a mass produced swill. It's sugar, it's like a Z at all it's like a mass-produced swill it's like a sugar it's like a zima it's like a fun joke whiskey i feel it's like oh yeah it tastes like those shitty candies no one likes it's for getting girls wasted you know yeah yeah yeah like like an atomic uh

or uh what were those if i'm gonna talk about any kind of balls what were those called exactly they're called hot hot toddies well hot tamales were those called? Yeah, exactly. They were called hot. Hot. Hot toddies? Well, hot tamales is the... Hot hammers? Is that what they were called? I think they were called fireballs. Hot shots? They were called fireballs.

Yeah. Were they called fireballs? They were called fireballs. I think so. Okay, I'm playing voicemail. And I'm going to drink some fireballs. Hey, Dick, after hearing your problem about macho weather, man, you sound like you set your thermostat to 74 degrees in the summertime because you don't want to get

you to fuck yourself. See? I told you. See what it is with people? These macho weathermen? Well, I'm not going to say to be fair, but, you know. I said I'm not going to say it! That doesn't count! You see how annoying they are? You see how annoying they are

and proud of how they are? Kind of has a point. I'm going to try this sipping whiskey. Oh, you have a nice sip. What do you think? It tastes like that candy I don't like. Okay, here we go.

What a shitty problem. Just give a courtesy flush after the initial shotgun blast, you fucking animals. No wonder you don't wash your hands when you shit.

It doesn't matter Sometimes you splash it In a That was about a bonus problem Shotgun sharts Yeah Sometimes it gets in places That the jets don't

Or whatever you call it It's not The water doesn't Cover the entire Bowl Inside of the bowl No And the shit

Will shoot and ricochet Yeah Don't pretend like You don't ever You've never shit Don't pretend like Your shit doesn't get everywhere. Like it's just like a one big

solid log every time. I feel like this guy's mom is cleaning his toilet for him. I hope. I hope. Yo, I was listening to the biggest problem in the universe bonus episode. Alright, thank you. At the mechanic. And the problem waiting

It was too visceral man That shit Fucking Sucks I think that is the biggest problem At the mechanic it sucks? No he's at the mechanic Oh

Yeah that's the worst Yeah Dude sitting in those waiting rooms And they got that shitty coffee sometimes And The worst magazines. I'd rather be tortured than wait, because at least something's happening. I absolutely agree with you.

Okay, here we go. Hey, Dick. Hey, Vito. Hi. The Underground Railroad Where to begin Are we really doing this? It was not a railroad

They didn't use it There was no rails It was just like Underground Hip hop was underground You don't think that's right In the tunnels They're not like coming out of fucking tunnels, Dick.

They're not chuds. I think that he's blaming you for this as well. Anyway, Vito, you're stupid. Should I wait for the next voicemail to address this? Yeah, do this one first. Vito. Underground Railroad that you thought was real underground tunnel system yeah with the chinese they built it now

i know that you're i know that you're pretending now that you were just kidding you no no no no hold on i know that you're gonna act like you were just joking fuck up as we were doing the show i did a great bit oh yeah it's a joke that i've been working on uh-huh where i play a dumb guy who thinks the underground railroad was a real railroad yeah and i figured the audience would get oh he's doing a bit it's like a fun and as we were doing it i'm looking in the chat and they're going vito's so dumb he's gonna try and play this off as a joke when they were right no i'm not dude go watch the episode we all watched it i'm cracking a smile because i know how dumb it is because you're so happy at the thought of slaves making a break for it in an underground

Polar Express type of underground railroad. They don't even have... They made out of peanuts or something. I don't know what you think. Building a regular railroad is tough enough that I can't imagine the slaves... How is it tough? You just put down metal. Yeah.

Put down tracks. Done. Easy. They built a little choo-choo train. You said they used old underground mining things. no no no i said they i don't know what i said because i was fucking joking yeah they what did they build the train out of peanuts yeah all right i'll just i'll admit mattering i built it out i literally thought that slaves had a literal subterranean rail system. As I said in the episode.

How else would they escape? Just walking around where there's dogs and stuff? I know what the under, they would go to people's houses and hide in the fucking cupboards or some shit. And then not even hide in the cupboards, you just stay in their shed and then you went on to another fucking place.

Maybe someone will believe that you were joking. Oh my, yeah. But I don't think a lot, I don't. I don't think a lot of joking i don't think you were i was sitting here the whole time well at first i even asked are you joking and you said no committed to the bit as a good comedian would do i didn't realize this audience accepts everything at face value as i said this is the bath water again all right this is when i go yeah i vaped bath water that actually was a joke though i went to regular fucking public school okay in massachusetts we have some of the best schools in the in the nation and that's not saying much because it's massachusetts they won't shut the fuck up about slavery and our liberal guilt and whatever the

fuck else so i probably learned about the underground railroad every 10 seconds of every they found a way to like shove it in the math class like if 10 slaves are on the underground railroad and you know there's two there's two slave masters around the corner you know what the crazy thing about slavery and how much kids are taught about it is what it's like it's so optimistic to think that you will have a choice to be a slaver or not. Right, that they've stopped the future of it. That was the 1% of people that could afford to buy other people and feed them

and not have a revolt immediately. Slavery works with one person. They did have revolts. They just didn't always go very well. But I'm saying, what you tell kids in grade school is, look, Maybe one day If you're lucky

You could Maybe you could have One slave Right None of you are ever gonna You're in public school The kids that are having slaves Are all in private school

You guys don't even need To learn about The concept of slavery You're all slaves In here right now And listen All you white kids You don't even gotta feel

That bad about it Cause most of you Your family never You weren't gonna gotta feel that bad about it, because most of your family never, you weren't gonna afford slaves. You had no choice, because you're dumb and poor. Yeah, you have no reason to think about this. At all. Tim, Timmy, with the nice he always brings like a fancy lunch to school,

his family might have had some slaves. The kid with the Neo Geo? Yeah. He might have had a couple slaves. The Neo Geo kid definitely had a slave or two Yeah Bezos Warren Buffet Those are the guys that did the slavery

My garbage Italian family Who came over and lived in the fucking slums of New York We did not have any slaves I tell you what So fucking dumb It's like well no It's the richest people The richest people did that

Yeah We also learned way too much about Martin Luther King I hate to say it I don't Yeah Junior fucking dumb it's like well no it's the richest people the richest people did that yeah we also learned way too much about martin luther king i hate to say it i don't yeah junior junior you gotta say the junior thing it's confusing for people like me yeah i think i don't know i think you're allowed to default after a while oh you become he becomes senior and you become the ml the martin luther king yeah oh it's a power dad. You ascend if you have more clout than your father. That's a dangerous move for a junior. Yeah.

You're naming your kid junior, but you're setting yourself up for a usurpation. You're setting yourself up to become the junior. The senior. Yeah. Go shit. Oh, no. Oh, that's Dick Masterson. No, that's not.

That's junior. That's junior, dude. No, you're a senior. Yeah. Shit. Anyway, the Underground Railroad was a complex system of trains. You're joking, but... Why do you think so many black people are train conductors?

You're joking now. I'm joking now. All right. Go watch the episode. Last one. Last one. Hey, Dick. Hey, Vito.

I got a biggest problem in the universe. It's a little abstract. People who can't admit that they just got something wrong. It happens to everyone. Especially people who get something wrong about very basic, obvious facts that should be aware to everyone. They try to pretend like they knew it the whole time. It's really childish and embarrassing, quite frankly, that they just can't the whole time. And you know, it's really, it's childish and embarrassing, quite frankly,

that they, that they just can't admit these things and it's okay. It's okay. But you know, we, we won't think any less of you Vito. Is he talking about the fucking thing? Um,

but because we can't possibly, is that what he's talking about? I don't know. He didn't know. It's cool. It's fine. I didn't know that. I only listened to the first couple seconds. Did people really think I wasn't making a joke?

Come on! You weren't. I know about slavery, okay? I grew up in the most liberal town in America. I really did. How many slaves were there? In our town? My town? Overall.

I don't know, but my hometown. How much do you know about slavery then how many slaves were in america yeah ever i think it was like 200 000 no millions in the in the north american slave trade i think it was like a million it might have been like a million i don't remember i don't have that number all i know is my former hometown just voided to uh voted to institute reparations for the black people in my town. In like money or like songs? They're giving you money to sing you guys a song.

No, no, no. I think they get like a portion of the taxes to build like a black community center. Are you serious? Yeah, dude. Look up Amherst, Massachusetts. Reparations? We have my former hometown has voted reparations. This is why I had to leave. A community center?

Oh wow, thanks a lot. They haven't decided what to do. They basically just told all the black people, here's a bunch of money and only they use it? Yeah. It's their reparations. It's their reparations center? They get their own reparations fund and they can, you know,

set up a Juneteenth shindig or I don't know, open a co-op. They should take it to Vegas. They should put it all on black. Put it all on black.

Yeah, right. Come on. So you're saying you're making all these jokes but then you fuck up a red. obvious one. Put it all on 19.

Yeah. Put it all on Juneteenth. Yeah. And then when the casino says Put it all on Juneteenth. What's when the casino says Put it all on Juneteenth What's that? You say racist Racist

Racist Until they double your money Put it on Juneteenth That's the black knight Is Juneteenth the 19th? No one knows Is it the 17th? It's between the lines

Yeah you can do any of the teens That's where racism is God that would be funny If a casino put Juneteenth On the roulette wheel I don't think they're going to do that, though. They might. Don't they have those holiday wheels, though, where you can pick stupid shit?

Some casinos, it's like you can put a dollar on Christmas or Halloween, and they spin a stupid wheel. And if Christmas comes up, you get like 25 bucks. I think it's for old people. I played war in a casino. Did you actually? It was awesome. That's awesome. i had a fucking full

like matt doubles that's a joy with the yeah that's a joke from uh vegas vacation no that was what card am i thinking of no they also had war casino war he's because he played a bunch of different things he's like war i play this all the time with russ oh yeah you're right i can't believe they actually had war in a casino this is the new york new york uh or at the bellagio i can't remember it was awesome i wonder if they did that because like vegas vacation is a is a funny I can't believe they actually had war in a casino. That's awesome. It was in New York, New York. Or at the Bellagio. I can't remember. It was awesome. I wonder if they did that because Vegas Vacation is a funny, popular kind of movie. All right, everybody.

Bye. I'm going to Vegas. I'll go play war. I don't know if they have it anymore. Probably not. The Underground Railroad is surreal. People can make up their own minds. Oh, my God.