The Biggest Problem in the Universe - Episode 126

Episode Date: February 3, 2024

I'm saving your booty over here. Look at this. Vito's booty. You need to concentrate on saving this, Vito. I was thinking. Arr. I honestly was thinking about texting you. Oh, really?

Hey, are you going to get a- What's a text? I'm a pirate. It's the year. It's when pirates were. I don't know. I don't have a text or know what it is. I hate this bit already.

Do you mean a flag or a smoke signal or something? Yeah, that's what I meant. I already hate this bit. It says Vito's booty on it. I see. I get the bit already. Or a smoke signal or something. Yeah, that's what I meant. I already hate this bit. It says Vito's booty on it. I see, I get that, yeah. I'm the pirate that took your booty. So I have it. That's why it's labeled Vito's booty, but I have it.

I think you're doing the bit wrong. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. It's a pirate bit. You know what? I'm not. It's a pirate's bit, Vito. It's a pirate bit? You know what? I'm not... It's a pirate bit, Vito. It's a pirate-themed bit. It's a pirate bit.

Like your favorite anime, One Piece. One Piece. I have to save the One Piece is what's happening. You see this mallet? Not a very pirate-y mallet. I gotta give you that one. That was a last-minute thing. It's a nice mallet.

You know your favorite pedophile anime show, One Piece. I don't know if it's pedophilic. I don't know how old those ladies are. They're all pedophilic. Well, anime. It is anime. Pedophilic. Well, I'm excited to be here.

I'm excited to see what sort of nonsense you've cooked up to ruin my life and humiliate me publicly. I don't care about the rest of the show, to be honest. I only want to do the Beatles booty care about the rest of the show to be honest I only want to do the Beatles booty part at the end of the show if someone pays $50 most podcasts you know it's like an equal situation both hosts on equal footing

right now it is instead Dick has immense power over me oh you're the victim look at you I'm crying about getting a bunch of free toys for doing nothing, for letting people know within five pounds how heavy you are, even though everyone already knows, right? What a cry.

What a whining. Are we saving this for the end of the episode? Winner wag you are. You're wasting all this. You're wasting all this gold. You can't waste all the pirate's gold. I've got all the gold over here on this side of the table. I mean on the port side of the port. You're way too excited about this stupid fucking bit. I've got all the gold Over here On this side of the table I mean on the port side Of the port

You're way too excited About this stupid Fucking bit I've been thinking About me bit All week I know you have All you've been doing

Is every day on Twitter Going Hey Who's excited To humiliate Vito On Friday Oh Can we just do this show

Such a Such a Toy blubber You are Yeah I'm a toy blubber you are. Yeah, I'm a toy blubber. Toy crybaby. All right, here we go. The RT is, are you ready, kids?

I think you should have wrote down more pirate puns ahead of time, because you're really struggling to find them. Oh, you penis swallower. That doesn't work at all. Oh, you would. That's not a pirate thing. Oh, you ranch boy lover. You piece of shit.

All right. You cocksucker. I should have had ChatGPT give you some fat themed pirate puns. Bend me for, oh, you know what you have to do on ChatGPT? What? You have to ask it to do it for yourself or a man. Yeah. And then it will do it, but it won't do it for a woman.

You have to tell it you want this for a man. Humiliate a man. I have a wife, man. Humiliate a man. If you said it to humiliate a woman, it wouldn't do it, but I won't do it for a woman. You have to tell it you want this for a man. Humiliate a man. I'm a white man. You humiliate a man if you said it to humiliate a woman. Duh. Don't do it. Duh. Learn something new.

Here we go with the show that I don't care about until we get to the- Why didn't you get the SpongeBob guy and cut out his mouth? Because you've been doing that SpongeBob joke the whole time. No, I don't want to mix up two bits. That literally is the bit. No, I don't want to- Well, because then it's just the same as it. It's the same.

No, that wouldn't work. All right. No, you're going to fucking tell me how this bit should go. I don't know. I'm looking forward to seeing how the bit goes. You're just going to sit back and get free toys. I'm looking forward to all your. Here we go like I want it to go already.

Yo, ho, ho. Biggest. Biggest problem in the universe. Welcome to the biggest problem in the universe. The only show that ranks every problem in the universe from NFL psyops to fingers that can't pop. We host Dick Masterson. Joining me is always Zito Gisvaldi. Hi, Dick. How you doing?

I'm fine. You get that NFL psyops? This is Taylor Swift. Ah. Psyop. She's a psyop. I'm doing great. You know why?

Because you don't have any movies of pissing or puking into your twin's mouth floating out there? Why? Well, at least those are still under wraps. Mine haven't been publicly revealed to an audience of thousands. Because you won 500 bucks this week. I was going to say the 500 bucks was pretty good. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

For those of you who missed it, me and Dick appeared on the first ever... Couples. Couples. Yeah. Of Kick or Keep, as hosted by Destiny and Quantanimo. Quantanimo Bay. Yeah, everybody's favorite.

I don't even know how to pronounce that guy's name. Guy who needs to cut a hole in the mouth part of his mask so we can hear everything he's saying. We went on. We destroyed a number of competitors, including Turkey Tom, Sky Williams. Totally wasted. Lots of people were called a pedophile. Me and Dick

Well that seems to be You haven't been on Previous shows Where the show Just devolves Into everyone Ignoring the question And calling each other

A pedophile I was surprised That some amount Of a spirited debate Took place And me and you Each of course Received $500

Yes Courtesy of Kick.com No Destiny Oh yeah it's Courtesy I don't Kick didn't give me That money Destiny gave me That money I don't know What's going on I'm not going to $500, courtesy of kick.com. No, Destiny. Oh, yeah, it's courtesy. Kick didn't give me that money. Destiny gave me that money. I don't know what's going on.

I'm not going to thank kick for something Destiny did. I'm not thanking kick. I'm just saying that's where it was. Thanks to the crypto gambling site of kick. Thanks for giving Destiny money. Thanks to the exploitation of stream viewers who think they're going to hit it big on the casino sites because they saw. And you will. Yeah.

You know, 95% of gamblers quit right before they hit it big. Just like you might win big tonight, Vito, in your booty segment. Do you want to just do a whole pirate show? Why don't we do a new podcast? We'll do a new podcast where I just do fat things for two hours while you poke me with a stick and throw toys at me. You should have just got out of the show. Because that seems to be the show you want.

You should have got on the scale when you said you were getting on it for $50 and then this wouldn't be happening to you. Dick doesn't even want to do Biggest Problem anymore. He just wants a show where I show off my fat belly, he slaps it and calls me an F-slur, and then throws toys at me. Yes, man the harpoons. There you go.

Barbie. That's the show. Let's pitch that to the networks. I'm sure they'd love that. How would you mess that one up? How would I mess that one up? Sure thing. How would you rewrite that to be all messed up?

That pitch was great. But yes, this week we also saw the Soska sisters have revealed that they are having a lot of fun. And Eric's always been there. They did an incest porno with each other? Very close to an incest porno with each other? Very close to an incest porno. And a satanic incest porno, which does not seem to play well with Eric's audience of Christians, of conservatives. Nah, they'll love it.

They'll love it. Well, they're now being forced to say they love it. I like my lesbian twin sisters a little hotter than, you know, Grendola, whatever her name was, from Banjo and Kazooie, but that's just me. Eric keeps going, well, you know, these are, you know, grendola whatever her name was from banjo and kazooie but that's just me eric keeps going well you know these are you know it's a horror movie i don't know what people are upset about i'm like well i don't know i've seen some horror movies i never saw one or two like bunch of ladies pee on each other and vomit on each other yeah and it's not like fake it's like they're just doing it because a guy named lucifer valentine told them to uh there was nobody else you could hire for this job.

Well, as you pointed out, the funniest thing was I thought they were just writing YIRA, and it's like, all right, well, at least they're only writing one comic. They're the creative directors of the Riververse. Every comic goes through. And they're like huge liberal activists. Yeah, SJW, lesbian. Trans kids, Me Too feminists.

Trans kids, Me Too feminists. Those are some very- Appear in pee-pee, poo-poo, blood vomit movies. I haven't seen the movie. I don't know if they pee on each other, but I have been told that at least four women are peeing on each other. At one point, one of them- Is that Yaira's superpower? His piss power?

Piss man? Now I'm actually excited for Yaira. It's going to be a warm winter this summer as Yaira comes in and pisses all over everyone. She has ice power so she could freeze a guy and then quick defrost him with her piss. And then piss in his face. And the rapid temperature change causes his, you know, body to explode.

I'd read that. Another of Yaira's victims pissed on himself. That wasn't, I didn't piss on myself, she pissed all over me. A likely story. Sure she did, sir. I'm sure she vomited on you as well. She did. Does Eric not understand that liberal activists will do and say anything to come in and fuck up career direction of his Texas cessation fantasy novel?

Superhero fantasy world full of cops? With super cops? This was the best choice? It's really weird. Hello, McRetard. Hello. Look again, Eric. Well, people are like, Vito, why are you trying to cancel the Zoskisters?

I'm like, I'm not trying to cancel them. They should be working for me. It makes no sense that they're working for Eric. Yeah, they should be working are you trying to cancel the Zazka sisters? I'm like, I'm not trying to cancel them. They should be working for me. It makes no sense that they're working for Eric. Yeah, they should be working for you. Those are my people. Psychopaths, satanic, lesbians. Imagine them buttering you. Imagine how they buttered up Eric.

Oh, man, look at you. You're so muscular. You got $4 million. You know, we really, we did a Black Widow comic. So we're basically just as good as Ethan. Like, imagine that. I wonder what his wife thinks about that. Ooh, man.

I think. They get both of those legs up every picture they get in. It's just, it's just, look, Eric wouldn't have a problem if he wasn't a hypocrite, because he has all these tweets going, never hire these SJWs, they will destroy your company from the inside out. Yeah, they will. Well. That's the point.

They will. You don't agree because you're liberal, but you've never had to deal with this shit. You're the one reporting fucking Alex Jones on Twitter. I don't report Alex Jones. It's not a report. It's a fun... That's what they do. Okay.

I agree. Some SJWs go too far, and some of them, though, are pretty competent writers. Doesn't matter. Yaira might be good. I don't know. They'll squeeze. The only thing they care about Is agenda Agenda

Agenda They don't give a fuck about The only reason they get into politics Is to get off on their fucking agenda All they want to do Is hammer trans kids shit through Hammer me too shit through Hammer feminism too

Take take take take take take You're a fucking idiot For doing what Eric's doing And for supporting it Well We're gonna see how it shakes out. Okay. I just think that.

You don't like that part, do you? Which part? The SJW activism part. No, I agree. Like a lot of, they compromise a lot of media. I heard like the new Avatar. They're like, we can't have this kid be sexist like in the cartoon. And I'm like, isn't he a teenage boy?

Have you met a teenage boy? They're all sexists. What are you talking about? Yeah. Then they get more sexist as they grow up, hopefully. They don't like go, oh, man, I just respect women so much. They're ruining everything. Anyway, what are you going to do?

Who won? Who won? Robocallers. That's me. Putting up a W. Ah, fuck. How many wins in a row is that? I feel like I'm on a streak here that's at least two in a row, right?

Well, my problem is tonight's going to blow yours out of the water. Yeah. Oh, boy. I'm excited. Taylor Swift came in second. And then confirmation bias with your stupid trick question. I need to pull that clip. That is a good clip.

Bad snaps. And last. Bad snaps was not a good problem. Negative, though. There's no fucking way everybody listening is good snapping all the time. Look. I just think it's not something that comes up too often. Perfect, but.

I'm bored of this already. It's a terrible problem. I bet you were awake at night going, man, I probably could have thought harder about that. I think about bad snaps all the time. I thought I was going to say the math question. No, because that was a stupid trick. It has nothing to do with confirmation bias.

His confirmation, that's literally the test that the guy used to define the term. He's an idiot. Your confirmation bias is thinking that the guy used to define the term. He's an idiot. You only think, your confirmation bias is thinking that the guy defining the term is correct, because he's not. I don't think that's how that works. Riley and Friends says,

I'm crying laughing. The burning shit in front of Vito for no reason for not getting on the scale bit is absolutely perfect. Just get on the scale, Vito, no matter how fat you are. Take solace in the fact that I'm fatter, this guy says. Well, it is, as I always say, the best part in a fat guy's day is when he sees a guy who's fatter than him. Yeah.

That's it. Also buying toys. Yeah. Like when we went to Adam 22's party, and I was like, man, am I going to be the fattest guy at the fucking porn star party? I saw the other fatter guy, and I went, oh, thank fucking God. That was the best moment. And then I felt, and then I'm like, now I can eat whatever I want. Because no matter what, they go, well, that fat guy's eating, but at least he's not that

fat guy. God damn it. I bought a juice for his IPA. Fuck this, man. That's what you get for drinking those fucking IPAs. They all taste terrible. But they put this badass skeleton on it. How was I supposed to know it's a juice beer?

What kind of juice? Who cares? It tastes like crap. Juice force. Captain Thunderbolt says, I lost it when Dick did Yellow Flash on the plantation. Well, that was pretty good. He's back on the plantation. Last episode was like, we can't top it.

Well, we'll see. You're always scamming the audience. What do you mean? Like, we can't top it. Oh! Don't leave, though. This one might be good, too. Well, you have your exciting bit. I got some good problems. Aesop says, Dick fell for the ascending

number trick. That trick is retarded. If you get that trick right, you are dumb. You, the person answering it correctly, are dumb. Alright. Bitchpants says, eating Pokemon is canon. At least Magikarp and You are dumb. You, the person answering it correctly, are dumb. All right. Bitch Pants says, eating Pokemon is canon, at least Magikarp and Slowpoke Tail anyway. I didn't know that. Retweet Something said, I broke my snapping hand four years ago, and it doesn't snap at all anymore.

Now I'm stuck with a janky left hand snaps that snaps three out of ten times on a good day and does it poorly. Never knew how good I had it. Bad snaps is the biggest problem in the universe. No, it isn't. Snapping is not even useful. You don't use it for anything. Interrupt women with it. Hey! Hey!

Hey! Alexander Chadwick says, That's literally the textbook-like fucking experiment for it that the original guy came up with. How is that confirmation bias? Because the idea is that, you know, you- I'm making up a rule. Confirmation bias requires me to already think something and be prejudiced. But the point is that rather than challenge your assumption, you just went with your assumption.

You didn't think like, well, let me try some other things to see if I'm wrong. What else do I try? You could have said like- Random numbers? Okay, why wasn't random numbers good then? Why does going up correct? Random numbers is just as accurate. Well, because I would have said no.

You could have asked me. You could have said 3, 5, 9, and I would have said yes. And then you would have went, oh, so something else is going on here. Okay, random numbers then. No, it's not random numbers. Because if you went 3, 2, 1, I would also say no. It's such a stupid example meant to trick children to explain something stupid. You still don't get it? You still don't understand it?

No, because confirmation bias is like, that ex-girlfriend of a guy murdered her. So let me find evidence. Oh, this evidence doesn't really fit, but I'm going to force it to fit. I'm going to force it to fit. Not 1, 2, 3. What does that mean? I still don't think you get it. Not one, two, three. What does that mean?

I still don't think you get it. This is going to be a great Vito's booty. Yeah, we'll see. Tippy Kango says, holy crap, that present. How do I need for a super chat for a Ricky Retardo appearance? I don't know. Yachty lover, I swear Vito had more energy during the weight loss. What do you think about that? Is that true? I don? It's actually what you looking for? Where's my mouse?

What do you need a fucking mouse for oh, I moved it cuz that news girls here. She was hitting it with her tits What do you need a fucking mouse for Extreme broken I want to bring up the chat at the top of the show to make sure we don't have a million people going, No audio, no audio, no audio. What do you have to do with your secret? If I was doing it secretly, you could keep reading while I find it, but I didn't know you hid my mouth. LP Dirty T says, There's a lot of really good stuff in that episode. Okay, I'm done reading comments. I want to say there was something else. I can't

fucking believe I got fruit punch beer. They do that a lot. I'm not a I don't want to make a suggestion, but fruity beers would be. Did you do fruity beers? I feel like maybe we touched on that. Probably. Now they're all saying no audio for fun. Yeah, I know. Okay. Guys.

They do that a lot. You know what I love though? I love the many They're all saying no audio for fun. Yeah, I know. Okay. Guys. They do that a lot. Talk suckers. You know what I love, though? I love the many great bits this show has. Okay. I'm happy to introduce one of them. Okay. Vote it up.

Okay. It's after the show. Time to go online. I need to weigh in while it's fresh in my mind. The refresh flashes. The page goes up. Scrolling, chinstroking. I must vote it up.

I deeply consider the problems to rank. Food going bad or hippies giving thanks. Fat brain, Seth Rogen. They're all so absurd. Shits to tear up your asshole. Now that's a big turd. I can do all the problems and look unamazed. How can we get the rank of the homeless to raise?

YouTube chat feed is empty except for one man super chatting. He's tapping as fast as he can. His vote has gone down and fake news has come up. And long ago, someone told me,

vote it up. But he's crying and whining and drinking iced tea and threatening to kill my whole family. I will do it. Go vote on the website. Oh, yeah.

Biggestproblem.show. Oh, yeah. Biggestproblem.show. Oh, yeah. Just vote it up. Vote it up. Vote it up. Vote for halftime shows. Go vote. Go vote for e-horses.

Wow, this is long. You're right. It's all to you, dude. Weekly, play share, online naturalist. Go vote on the website. Because you can't trust the snail. Vote it up, folks. How long does a stinger last?

Okay, okay, go. Don't put your own jokes on the music, okay? Just end the music. Don't put, like, remix stuff on it. Or acknowledge that, you know. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. I will. We'll both.

Everyone knows that it's too fucking long. You don't need to. If you know enough to put stuff on it, cut it down. Thank you very much. Well, I want to thank Retro Nick for sending that one in. Thank you. And I want to thank all of you for coming here to join us for Voted Up, the segment where we revisit past problems and put them in a new light.

Okay. Well, Dick, from episode 73, I believe I brought in this problem of the gas stove ban. Yeah. This is the Biden administration and other horrific liberals planning to take away our ability to cook with the most primordial of sources, fire and flame. Okay. Because they want to destroy America. Well, I've got good news for you. The Department of Energy has finalized their long-awaited efficiency standards for stoves on Monday, backing off of a previous proposal that would have rendered roughly half of natural gas models out of compliance.

Are you like Casey Kasem? What are you doing? I'm having a little fun with it. The more modest rules come a year after a Biden administration official set off a political firestorm by suggesting new gas stoves could be banned for health and environmental reasons. These final regulations will take effect starting in 2028 and will primarily target electric stoves. So wait, they're banned or what? Well, currently 77% of the electric stoves on the market are in compliance.

That means the other 23% will have to... Electric stoves are banned? Well, they're not banned, but they have to change how they work so they use less energy. Oh, God. Fuck off with this shit. They're causing too many emissions. They're sucking too much energy from the grid. Why are you guys doing this?

Why are you guys... I'm not doing it. You're voting for these guys that are doing this with our power all the time. My side, we care about energy efficiency. Why? We care about pollution. I don't want to pollute. You don't want to pollute?

What? What did I do? You pollute more than the two biggest cities in China. Look at you. What are you talking about? I don't want to pollute. Your whole life is pollution. I think that.

Look, I obviously don't agree with the gas stove ban. I think that's silly. But I do think that, yeah, if we can set standards to make our electric stoves a little more efficient, well, what's wrong? Because why not? We do it for cars. Why don't you take every time you have some fries, just take one and throw it away. I do that. You do that.

When I get a... I got, what do you call it? This week I got a McDonald's. They have the double cheeseburger. Okay. And I had buy a double cheeseburger, get a double cheeseburger for free, right? Okay. So first I got it... So you got a free one and threw it away.burger for free, right? Okay. So first I got it.

So you got a free one and threw it away. No, no, no, no. Okay. That's absurd. I got one with no cheese, right? And then I took them. It's like a letter to Penthouse Forum when you're describing a free McDonald's cheeseburger. No, I took them, and then I took off one of the buns, and I made like a four patty.

Okay. And then I took off one of the buns, and I made like a four-patty quadruple cheeseburger. Okay. But missing one of the buns. It was better than eating two double cheeseburgers. What does this have to do with saving energy? That's like so wasteful what you're talking about. You asked if I throw out a fry, and I'm giving you an example. Yeah, just next time, if you want to play policeman with people's electric stoves, next time you

get any food, delicious fries, take a handful of fries, throw them in the street. Why don't you do that? Well, I do do that. I'm telling you I do do that. No. Taking a bun out of your meat witch is not the same as taking something you want and discarding it for no reason.

I think there's a similarity. So you want the government to- I would eat the bun and I would eat the cheese. I just said, you know, I don't eat all of it. I'll get rid of some of it. So the bun was, getting rid of the bun was negative for you? Yeah, I think so. It's a little less, you know, bread is tasty.

So then why don't people like give up their stoves then? That's what you're saying? You don't have to give up your stove. It's just, you know, we have- You gotta buy another one. What do I do with this stove? Throw it away? I'm sure they're grandfathered in.

It's like if you want to buy a new stove, you can't- I think it said the manufacturers can't keep selling that model of stove. Why not? Because they're bad for the environment. What fucking environment are you talking about? You know what? The show- Voted Up is not...

Because you support all this green shit. This is what liberals do. They come in and just ruin things that are working. That's why hiring the Soska sisters was so fucking stupid. I brought in the gas stove ban. That was my problem, so obviously I opposed that. So I'm on the right side of that issue. And if anything, I guess I'm Okay. So I'm on the right side of that issue. Okay.

And if anything, I guess I'm biased against electric stoves. So when I hear they're going to punish them because they're worse than gas stoves, I'm excited because everyone should be cooking with gas. All right. I think we should punish the electric users. Oh, here you go. The electric models that are out of compliance will have to use at least 30% less energy than today's lowest performing models. So we're going to cut the energy costs of these wasteful electric stoves.

Do you hear that? You don't just are ready to blow your stack, killdozer, like shit. Regulation's very important, Dick. Do you even know what that does? What, regulation? If it works, any of that shit? Yeah, well, cutting down on electricity usage is good. Why?

Less strain on the grid, less need to burn poisonous fossil fuels. I'm going to fucking smash your toys so fucking hard. I'm going to take so much pleasure in fucking smashing your toys. That's less coal we got to burn, which is good. Oh, shut up. What are you conserving? Just fucking stop. Can you guys just stop conserving shit? Move to China if you don't want to conserve anything.

You'd have a great time. Yeah, they're not. So why are you worried about doing it? Because we can be a model for the rest of the world. Why does America also need to be a third world shithole like everywhere else? Because you're doing this stuff to us! We can have common sense regulations. Guys, the gas stove ban currently number 167 with 344 upvotes.

Don't forget to vote it up. Anyway, here's one you'll like because it ridicules women. And if you want to pull up an email I sent you a second ago. I copied the link out of it. Yeah, yeah. Which one? The one from Twitter. The Sipo Juice one?

Yeah. Royce? This is our good friend Royce. But you don't pull it up yet. Dick, this was your problem. Contouring. Yeah. From episode 79.

Yeah. Well, the boys' actress Erin Moriarty, who we all love for her role as Starfire, is leaving social media after finding herself on the receiving end of a campaign of verbal abuse, which is being reported as following comments made by Megyn Kelly accusing her of receiving heavy plastic surgery. heavy plastic surgery. As Erin explained on Instagram, she says, Megyn Kelly used a photo taken a year ago, according to her, but in reality, it was taken a decade

ago, before I was even of legal drinking age. So I guess that shot on the left. Oh, she's a child. There's a new type of child pornography now. That's showing a photo of her as a child. Oh, did you see Nose doing a lawsuit? Is he actually doing it? Against Epic?

Well, he was hosting all that child porn. I'm not saying that. I mean, Epic said he was. Null has said you're a pedophile based on nothing. So I'm just using his own scale. Fair enough. Null says you're a pedophile, so. I don't want, yeah.

But he's fundraising money to sue everybody. He's fundraising money for it, yeah. But I want to know is, do you think he's going to raise more money than Superkiller? Yeah. I don't know. He's at $55,000 right now. I assume that Null's insane people who think they're going to... And what do you think will be funnier, Superkiller or Null's lawsuit against everyone?

Well, I think what will be funnier is thinking he can sustain a defamation lawsuit with $100,000 because the lawyers will burn through that in about a month. Like nothing. Yeah. No, no, no. Don't tell him. Don't tell him. Nobody send him that laughing clip.

Say it's cool. I swear to God, do you think? Yeah, yeah. We could definitely do that for our grand. And then after a month, they're going to go, we actually need another hundred grand. You know what happened is more people called you a pedophile, so we got to sue them too. I don't know. I'm just saying that's what I learned it from them.

I was going to do a big, big business deal with Null. I was going to hire him for some stuff, but they said he's so since child porn, I don't want to be part of that. So you had to end that contractual obligation. Let me start a poll. Okay. What will make more money? What will make more money? What will make more money? So you saw Erin Moriarty talking about that she was 20 when a picture was taken.

And now I see the through line. Oops. Shit. There you go. There we go. Whoops. As she was attempting to say, Dick, is that Megyn Kelly is utterly misinformed. This is an inaccurate clickbait.

And you see that picture on the right. So you see there's two of her there. That's her on the left she's claiming is before she's in her 20s. She looks normal. She's in her 20s. And now she looks like her entire face is imploding in on itself like a dying star. Man, Royce and Merche have been really killing it this week. Well, as she claims, she says, I got my makeup done that day and it involved major contouring.

So what you're seeing on the right, she claims is not plastic surgery, but just contouring makeup, Dick. Okay. Look normal again then. Like a human. There's no way that's contouring. That's definitely plastic surgery. Why do women want to look like a skull head

with hair stapled onto their heads? I don't know. What is that lure? The same way the man longs for the mind, the woman longs to be a skeleton with hair stapled on their head. Well, I think because we've beaten into women so much that they need to not be fat, that now

they aspire to be skeletons because we haven't done enough skeleton shaming. Hey, buddy, I got news for you. That beating's not working. They're getting fatter by the second. Well, this one sucked. Fatter than the national debt. Half the muscles out of her face, it looks like, and she's still not done.

We do have to report, however, on the false valor situation where, of course, Royce from Revenge of the Cis was the one to first report on the fact that this woman has turned her face into a crater. And all the glory is going to Megyn Kelly for scaring her off social media. That glory really should go to Royce. Yeah, he's not going to get that, though. Come on.

He's been fighting for it. He's not going to get it. He's not going to get it. Guys, that was contouring. Currently number 204 with 296 upvotes. Don't forget to vote it up. I don't want to listen to the whole thing. Just skip to the fun part.

No, no, no, no, no, no. Just go to the chorus. What was the chorus of that? Oh my god, here. Give me the mouse. Dick keeps scrolling my whole. Alright, that's enough. I have a bit. I got to the right part

Oh you have a bit What did I do on Twitter I didn't do anything on Twitter What did I do I gotta do something to pick you up This is not me on Twitter This is You said

You said this guy Michael Zitta is the USC engineer professor who testified on behalf of Donkey Kong champion Billy Mitchell, claiming a software glitch may be responsible for that he cheated. And he also doesn't seem to know that his Twitter likes are public. So you got that. You found this guy, USC engineer, who said that Billy Mitchell's Donkey Kong was legit, even though it's obviously fake. It's obviously fake. It's obviously fake. It's obviously fake.

And you said he didn't know his likes are public. Right. And his likes are this, like, weird femdom smash your balls stuff. Yeah. Yeah. I like that you archive my tweets because you're worried I'm going to delete them. Well, because you delete them. You delete them. And usually it says this tweet was archived a couple seconds ago.

And I say, good, good, good. And then what he was liking was... Yeah. Yeah, what he was liking was... Add another one. Among Us, it's a girl in a straight jacket, they all belong in straight jackets, nothing weird about that.

Then it says, one of my... And then he liked this guy getting his, like, having his legs spread by a machine and having his balls smushed by this woman. The Soska sisters, it looks like. A little better looking than them, actually. I think they bewitched Eric July. What do you think about it?

Do you think that it's possible they cast a magical spell? Do you think that's possible? They dress like witches. It's weird. And they look like witches in their face. They have very witch-like features. Yes. I think they specifically contour their eyebrows to look...

Anyway. Look, I did not... I was not the first person to report this. I just tried to hop on the bandwagon. Yeah, but you're kink-shaming. Remember when you were all about, like, kink-shaming's bad? And then you're like, look at this guy. He likes getting his nuts busted.

I'm not kink-shaming. I am Twitter-shaming. I'm saying... Looks like you're fucking kink-shaming. No, I'm not kink-shaming because you shouldn't like that on your public account. Oh, shit. I shouldn't be putting this on YouTube either. Whoops.

It's censored. It's fine. That was actually reported by Carl Jobst who put it in a video for his, what, millions of followers. Seems like you guys are kink shaming. That's all I'm saying. If Carl Jobst is allowed to report on it. The point is it calls into question this guy who claimed to be an expert. Why does it call into question?

Because this guy's liking ball busting. It shows that he has, what do you call it, bad judgment. What's bad judgment about that? He's supposed to be, he was an expert witness, a technology expert. He doesn't know Twitter likes are public. That very much calls his expertise into question. Maybe he likes everyone knowing. He thinks it's going to get some ball busters.

He also doesn't know they found his other account where he was offering to be a sugar daddy for five grand a week. What's wrong? A week? Yeah, dude. Wow. It pays to be an expert. I know. And that's actually a, I guess he did find someone at the college.

He was a USC professor who was a sugar. You don't want that. You don't want this guy having access to young girls. Well, no, that's the college. He was a USC professor who was a sugar daddy. You don't want that. You don't want this guy having access to young girls. Well, no, that's the problem. One of his students, he did end up in a sugar daddy relationship. He was giving her five grand a week. Oh, come on, man.

At USC? Yeah. She didn't have enough money? You gotta pay like 50 grand a semester to go there. Basically, this guy has learned that uh acting as an expert witness and lying on behalf of billy well allegedly lying on behalf of billy mitchell yeah put you under a bit of a microscope because psychopathic nerds are gonna go who's this motherfucker and they're gonna go oh let me look at his twitter oh he's like a weird pervert sugar

tatty who got disgraced and forced to leave the college. And now the only way to make fun of him. Oh, yeah, this was like, he got sued for the- Imagine that you're a pervert and you got to leave, like, USC. Yeah. So many, like- He was in charge of their, like, game division or whatever. He fucked up big. Oh, man. Why do you want to be a sugar daddy?

You want to pay a girl five grand to hang out with you? And then you pull it back. You cancel the check, like, a quarter on a string. Yoink. I think even if I was old and pathetic, I'd be like, yeah, but I could do a lot with five grand. I don't think I could get five grand out of a woman even in a month. Yeah. Plus, those

girls would do it for cheaper, I would think. Are USC students loaded? Yeah. Super rich. Yeah. So you can't get away with like two grand a week? You're thinking of like Cal State LA or something. Okay. Do you want to do your problems? I wish I was like Cal State LA or something. Okay. Do you want to do your problems?

I wish I was an attractive young woman. We all know. I just see all you talk about is like breeding things and making them work for you. You're right because I see people in a position. Look, as a fat white guy, I'm limited in my ability to grift off the audience. I have to pretend to be a pathetic loser so people send me free toys and money. Yeah. Okay?

But if I was just a hot chick, I could do with far less steps. All right. Here's a problem, Dick. There's a movie coming up. You're doing a problem about movies? I'm doing a problem about movies. Wow. That's crazy.

What are the odds? Shut up. I think you'll be excited for this one. It's a movie. It's going to be apparently the directorial debut of Jerry Seinfeld. That's exciting. I want to see him direct a movie.

He will be starring in it as well. Starring and directing and co-producing Unfrosted The Pop-Tart's Story. A film about the invention of the Pop-Tart. Yeah. Yeah. Joining Seinfeld are Melissa McCarthy.

I hope China kills everyone in the United States with a disease. I mean, is art just dead at this point? Or a nuclear bomb. We got nothing left. We got to make Pop-Tart movies. Joining him are Melissa McCarthy, Jim Gaffigan, Amy Schumer, Hugh Grant,

Christian Slater, oh, Bill Burrell being there. Is that fucking comedian the guy that talks like Squidward and is like a pencil? Is he gonna be in it? Bobby Monahan's gonna be in it. Good old Bobby Monahan. Dick, my problem, and look, we'll get through this quick, is these product

movies they're putting out. Like shoes and stuff? Yeah. Hey, you want to watch a movie about Nike? Okay, maybe. You want to watch a movie about a guy who made McDonald's? Yeah, that was a good one. I think it started with the McDonald's one. Because the McDonald's one was good. You read that on Twitter. No.

Okay. That it started with that? Yeah, you read that idea on Twitter. I think I wrote that that on Twitter. No. Okay. That was your own. That it started with that? Yeah, you read that idea on Twitter. I think I wrote that idea on Twitter. I think I tweeted that, and you're remembering my tweet. Okay. Where I went, I think this all started because they made that one McDonald's movie, and I was like, oh, that's kind of interesting story, and he like fucked those two guys over. Sure.

I can stomach that. And I was like, do you want the story of like Tetris? And you're like? Okay, maybe. But then they have to invent a bunch of shit. Does it need a story? Well, that they turned into a spy thriller because at the end of the day, these stories are not that interesting. They're like, oh, you want to learn about Nike sneakers? They made that movie The Beanie Bubble, but they couldn't actually use Beanie Babies, so it was just really awkward.

That was fine. Did you see the movie? Yeah. Oh, how was it? Dumb. Okay, well, they're all dumb. Look, here's the thing is like

just space them out maybe. I don't know. It's like Hollywood finds an idea and like one of those movies works and then instead of going like, well, that was like a flash in the pan. That doesn't mean there's like a thing here. They go, no, make a million of them. It's like people are trash. What do you of course they're gonna watch this shit but just a bunch of fucking morons but the stories are loaded up yeah pop tarts the movie sure but they

end up being also like wildly inaccurate and then dumb people end up thinking that that's actually what happened it's a shit well, like, what's even the point if you're just going to make up a story of how the product was made? Just go make a different story then if you have to make shit up. A good example, of course, is Flamin' Hot. Are you aware of this movie? I didn't want to watch that one. Why not?

Because I like Flamin' Hot Cheetos too much. That's your people, the Hispanics. That's another reason. I can't watch another movie about Mexican where every other word is papi and mijo. Oh, me papi, mijo. Well, Flamin' Hot, directed by Eva Longoria, tells the story of Richard Montanez, the man who was a janitor at Frito-Lay and invented the Flaming Hot Cheeto. Isn't that exciting, Dick?

Kind of, yeah. Yeah. How do you invent that? It's a rags to riches story. He was just working as a janitor. No, I don't care about that part. That's another part of it. I don't want to see.

I'm sick of all these archetypes and stories. You don't want the rags to riches. No, I want a guy. A little more interesting. You want a rich guy who gets richer. He gets raped. And he's like, it's like at the beginning of the movie, it's like this guy's got a billion dollars. And at the end of this movie, he gets raped.

At the end of the movie, he gets raped. Find out how it happens. And everyone he meets is like, hello. And they're like, oh, that's going to be him. He's going to be the rapist. I know it. He's going to be the rapist. I don't know.

That's a good movie. I don't know if you have your finger on the pulse of what the Hollywood moviegoer is looking for. I don't want to, like, you start a conversation with what Hollywood does. There's another little, like, up your ass kind of. That's what those ass guys and stuff. We should have said, hey, if you don't like this show, Dick's got a great idea for a movie. Who's the rapist? About a billionaire who, by the end of the movie, will be raped,

but you don't know which of the characters he will be. It's like Fifty Shades of Grey, but in reverse. It's like Caddyshack, but he gets, but Rodney Dangerfield gets raped by one of those guys.

Caddyshack, but Rodney Dangerfield gets raped? Yeah, because he's a land developer. It's a bad pitch. It's not a good pitch. What do you mean? That would be a great movie.

Remember Caddyshack? It's also about- I see you in like a high-powered Hollywood. All right, you guys remember Caddyshack, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Remember Rodney Dangerfield? He's like fun and he's funny. Hey, we're all going to get laid.

And he does. He gets raped. By the end of the movie, someone's going to rape Rodney Dangerfield. It's about fucking Big League Chew. Like it's about the story of Big League Chew. And Lick-A-Made. And you stick the stick in the thing and lick it off. Nerds. It's about the story of Big League Chew and Lick-A-Maid. And you stick the stick in the thing and lick it off. Nick-A-Lips or whatever.

Nerds. It's about nerds. The movie. Are they called Nick-A-Lips? I don't think so. It sounds racist. Well, you just made that up. The little things you brought off the top and you suck the can.

It's not called what you said it's called. It's not called. Yeah, I know what I'm saying. I think it is called that, though, because it's very close. Bro, it's not. It's called Lick-A-Mate or something. It's not called what you said. I'm not even going to repeat it. I think it's called Nick L. Lips. Because I remember if you said it fast

as a kid, you'd get in trouble. Look it up. The point I was trying to make about the Frito-Lay Hot Cheetos movie. No, that's called Nick L. Nip. Nick L. that's called Nick L. Nip. Nick L. Nip. Nickle Nip.

Nickle Nip. Not... Not... Nick L. Lips? What are you... I didn't say it! I didn't say it! You totally told you guys

you get closer every time! Oh, now, so that's what it takes to loosen you up. A bunch of racist jokes. Nick L. Nip. It still sounds kind of racist. No, it doesn't. It's a nickel nip.

You get a nip for a nickel. It's not racist at all. Your version is racist. All right, I thought it was Nick L. or Nig L. Nip. Nothing has ever been named that. Well, I misremembered the name of it! That they should make a movie about it! About you misremembering everything as racist?

Nick L-Nip. Not... There's no G. Nickel! Just say nickel! It's not... You don't have to confuse yourself into another... You could really go for some Nick... No, I can't even remember it. I bet you could. It's Nick. Nick Old Nips.

Still sounds weird. Oh, man, did you see the news girl I had on my show this week? I heard she was really good looking. If she had a dick, she would be perfect for you. Yeah, well. Oh, man, mama mia. I think she gets 95% of the way there. Dick, did you know Dick is only 5%?

Dick's 5% of the equation. Are you serious? Penis whack. Eh, she's almost perfect. All right. I was going to say, Dick, are you aware that that man did not invent Flaming Hot Cheetos and that story is complete nonsense? Man, I don't know.

Flaming Hot Chips were on the market and created at least a year before Montaigne's claimed to have invented them. He only began telling that story after he went on a business speaking tour and realized nobody really gave a shit. He just made up that he invented the Flaming Hot Cheetos. Yeah. I mean, he was a janitor at Frito-Lay who eventually made his way into the marketing department. Did he somehow contribute to Flaming Hot Cheetos?

No, not at all. Not at all? Not even a slight amount. What the fuck? Everybody always repeats that. Because it's like, no, it was actually a white lady. Oh, no! Dios mio!

No! Well, that's good then. That's based. He took it from her? Yeah, he started taking public credit in the late 2000s. And no one remembers her name? No, they do know her name. No, no, they don't.

But I didn't write it down here. Yes, good man. Screenwriter Lewis Kullick told Variety, well, the heart and soul and spirit of the story is true. He is the guy who should remain the face of Flamin' Hot Cheetos, despite the fact

that he had literally nothing to do with them. What the fuck? And also most of the original Flamin' Hot team had retired by the 2000s because nobody... Man, but this is like a movie you didn't like. Like, it's... It's Hollywood being like, we got the next big idea, so let's destroy it. Anytime Hollywood comes

up with something, you're like, oh, that's kind of cool. Yeah, maybe do a couple movies about these interesting companies. And they go, yeah, let's make fucking a million of them. And you're like, no, don't do that. Why? Why not do that? Because... Why? Because then you just end up making a bunch of shit. You get upset when you drive by fast food, and then they're like, hey, let's just crank out a bunch of fucking sawdust and meat and flavor it so these fucking animals will buy it. Yeah, hey, why don't we all just make a superhero comic book?

They'll all be good. Doesn't matter. You don't got to think about them at all. Just cash in. All the other YouTube guys are making them. Is that not what you're doing? What do you mean? I'm saying, no, I'm not doing that.

I wanted to make this way before everybody else started doing it. Anyway, it's like the Barbie movie. You wanted to make a comic book before everyone else did? Yeah. Like before whom? I started working on it before a good number of people. Like when you were a little kid? Well, I do have the original sketches for

what do you call it? For Super Killer. Oh, yeah? Yeah, they're like 20 years old. He had a different name back then. What was his name? Nick Heldnips. No, it wasn't. What was his name? Something stupid.

You know it. What was his name? It's not. It's just him. What was the name? I'll smash this toy. I'll smash it early. I'll smash it early.

Hold on. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. I'll smash the toy early. You're not allowed to use the toy chest as I want at all times. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. I'll smash the toy early. You're not allowed to use the toy chest as I want at all times. No, no, no. That's bullshit. The bit is a standalone bit. This show is not Vito does what Dick says or he breaks priceless nerd artifacts.

Basically, it is. Basically, it is. We did. It took a month, but I figured out. You're not allowed to. What's your Achilles heelies? You're not allowed to bleed. You're not allowed to blackmail me for the entirety of the show.

I've got a whole chest of war chest too. The point I was trying to make is like What was the original super killer name? It was like Leon. Leon? Yeah, I know. It's not cool. I really liked Resident Evil 4, okay? I thought Leon was a cool name for a character.

I'm not talking about it. It doesn't matter. Don't laugh at it. Leon's a cool name. Resident. You know Leon. He had a cool jacket. Man, I don't know this shit. Oh, yeah.

That's what I thought. That's the guy I thought he was. Still one of the best looking game characters of all time, Leon Kennedy. So Super Killer's based on this guy? And he's a Kennedy. No, I just stole his name. There was a point in time where every video game I played, you know, you have to name the character. Yeah.

I'd always name the character Leon because I thought it was a cool name. You ever latch onto a name? Yeah, Dick. I would go. Every time I won NBA Jam, I would go Dick or S. There you go. That's it. So you can't complain.

The point I was going to make is it's like with Barbie. Barbie did good in the box office. And now instead of just going like, well, that was kind of like a unique, interesting situation for a toy line that has been around and has a certain gravitas based on its longevity. Yeah, Barbie has been around. It was like the first, again, fashion doll that defined the lives of, you know, many young women or whatever the hell. Man, who cares? Hold on, let me finish making my point. Now they're gonna make, like, a Hot Wheels movie. That would be awesome.

Well, yeah, but you could, like, obviously you could think of ways to do it. They're making a Viewmaster movie. Is that awesome? Does that make any sense? The little red thing that you put up and you look through it? No, not really. No, that doesn't make any sense. Hot Wheels would be cool, though. Do you want a Polly Pocket movie? They're doing that. And you know who's writing that?

I don't care. That fucking bitch from Girls. What's her name? Lena Dunham? Lena Dunham is writing Polly Pocket. That's good. Yeah, that's a good fit for her. Only fat chicks can go see it.

That's fine. I like the idea that a small pocket-sized individual, you find the biggest, fattest chick you can. Look, I can fit in it, too! She's going to shrink down. I identify with Polly Pocket. The size of 10 million of them. Anyway, Dick. Here's a picture of me putting a Polly Pocket over my cunt

for a photo spread in Vanity Fair. Look at this. Yeah. Got some unicorn shit on my tits. Gross. She's gross. Point is, Dick, again, these dumb movies, they're not historically accurate. Now Jerry Seinfeld has to make a Pop-Tarts movie.

All right, vote this problem down. Vote it up. These movies are kind of fun. Product placement movies. Well, think about Pop-Tarts. Yeah, I can't. You know? Jerry Seinfeld directed his first movie, and he's got to do the pop.

You know, it's based on like a joke he made in a Netflix special. I don't even know what the fucking joke is. Jerry Seinfeld's Pop-Tarts joke. Yeah, but Seinfeld directed his first movie and he's got to do the pop. You know, it's based on a joke he made in a Netflix special. I don't even know what the fucking joke is. Jerry Seinfeld's Pop-Tarts joke. Yeah, but Seinfeld sucks. He can tell good jokes, but Larry David's strangling fucking Elmo, bro. Is that why Jim Gaffigan's in the movie? Because he's going to angle for the spinoff Hot Pockets movie? I don't know.

I don't like any of these. Jim Gaffigan was the Hot Pockets guy. That was his big joke for a while. Why do you know this stuff? You don't know Jim Gaffigan's, like, famous Hot Pockets. Everybody was doing his voice. What is his voice? He goes, you ever get a Hot Pocket?

Ugh. Ugh, Hot Pockets. I don't like taking part in this stuff. Okay, is that your problem? Product movies? Product movies? Product movies. What, are you looking for stuff you missed out? Like, we need to hear more about fucking Pop-Tarts and stuff.

Great show, guys. Can you just... You know what? Look, you wrote all this stuff. I wrote some stuff. Yeah, I have notes. The point is to win, Vito. This is not a good problem.

I won last week. Yeah, with a good problem. This problem sucks. I won kick or keep. Well, I didn't want to do my other problem, which was poorly thought out bits. I'll save that for later. This problem is, this is my

problem. It's the sex offender registry. Yeah. Come on, man. Are you serious? What's wrong with this? You get like, I got a notification on my phone from Citizen. Whoa, you got a re-register? Yeah, that a sex offender had moved into my area. And I'm like...

Wait, you get a text for that? Well, it's on the app, the Citizen app that tells you where crimes are happening. That I have because... But that's like something another citizen decided to alert you over. No, they're plugged into the federal sex offender registry. But the government is not using the app. That app has chosen to do that, I guess. The government is the app.

What are you talking about? The government runs the registry for sex offenders, and the app has taken it and said, oh shit, there's a new sex offender. Let's alert you. And I said... I think everybody at the sex offender department has been very nice to me. I don't see what the problem is.

Yeah. You know, whenever I move, they send me a little card. You get frequent flyer miles. Don't forget to update. Yeah, it's like the dentist. You know, you get the little card in the mail. Don't forget. And every time... Now I'm getting it like regularly because it casts a... It alerts me when a sex offender has moved in like like, in a 20-mile radius.

Yeah. Right? You're telling me you don't like that? No. I don't want to be sitting there watching my Pop-Tarts movie. Right. And then this thing's popping up. Thank you.

This thing pops up and says, hey, there's a rapist that moved in. And I click on it, and it says, oh, yeah, you can subscribe to our Plus membership to get more information about this sex offender. Sounds kind of fun. Well, that's what I don't like about it. That's what made me think, wait a minute, what is this registry exactly? This is gossip. Yeah. I don't think this is right.

Well, you know. How come there's not like a, this guy will steal your bike registry, who just moved in down the street? Because that's what I need to know about. I don't need to know about rapists and child molesters. Well, it's the Democratic donors, Dick. Yeah, how come I don't get to know who you guys are? So I can find you guys and ask why you voted for this? Yeah, well, I think the concern is that sex offenders have often high chances of reoffending.

But it's the opposite. They have the lowest chance of reoffending. Not only do they have the lowest chance. Do they have the lowest chance of reoffending? Yes, but also sex crimes are the least reported. Like, rape is like 50% reported or something like that. Sure.

So if you are an unlucky rapist who gets put on the list, now you're like, now you're a rapist forever, so you can't get it. So I looked it up, like, does this stop, like, rapes?

Right. Like, does it lessen, like, you know, women getting raped? Because I know women, and it makes sense that um you know women getting raped because i know women and it makes sense that if you give women the ability to see who's a rapist like it makes sense logically but like that's probably not what they're gonna do right right so it turns out getting added to the list makes you not employable which makes it much much more likely that you're

gonna offend re-offend sitting around getting bored jacking off because you can't find a rape victim because you can't date anybody you can't find a job and you can't get a date

so might as well yeah and then I found that it's from like it started as a gangster law where you would go it would tell you we're gang

former gang members any gangsters if they had to move into they have to go report like I am a gangster I'm a gangster right just letting you know sheriff no what? and then yeah yeah yeah in like the 30s and then they said Gang members? Any gangsters, if they had to move into a city, they have to go report, like, I'm a gangster. Right? Just letting you know.

Sheriff, no. What? Yeah, yeah, yeah. In, like, the 30s. And then they said, okay, this is now a gay sex registry. Gay sex registry? Well, then they would just help them find each other. So how's that?

You would think that. That's super helpful. And then it changed in the 90s to, like, well, we got to protect kids. Right. And you think, okay, yeah. Kids, sure. Right. They're like, well, we're to protect kids. Right. And you think, okay, yeah, kids, sure. Right. They're like, well, we're going to do rapists too, you know.

Well, how come there's not a registry for like most rapable kids so we know which ones we need to protect? That's a good question. Yeah. Where you have to bring your kid in. I register your kid. He's a tap dancer. He wears fruity little shoes. He's a little bit gay, you know.

Yeah, yeah, he's very predatable. We need a registry for those kids. Is that where the community goes? Keep everyone away from that kid? That kid is... I saw it pop up on the app, and it's like, hey, there's a sex offender nearby. You want to learn about him? It's going to be six bucks a month.

And I was like, hold on a minute. Is this for... All of these motherfuckers are potential rapists. Right. I don't think that guy is any more of a rapist than all of these other guys. But I could see a woman going, okay, I got that guy. Whew. Problem solved.

If I see that guy when I'm out. I think it makes sense to have a registry for people who have committed crimes against children. Because, like, you know. Well, you have to say that, though. People will shit all over you. No, but I genuinely think, like, you know, because it might be, like, a situation where that guy goes to get a job at, like, a daycare or something. But, like, if a regular rapist wants to work at a daycare, I'd be like, well, what's he going to do? Rape the lady who runs the daycare?

That's fine. I think we need a little stronger filter than a federal registry of kid rapists if you're working at a daycare. Yeah. That's just me. I feel like you could background check specifically. You could go out of your way and just background check in every state, you know. Maybe don't have daycare. Well, you know.

Get a family member or something. Then we'd have to go back to the single parent household and they're not going to let us do that. They got us on the leash. Create a false sense of security. What do I mean? Higher rates of recidivism. Because they can't get a job and then they just get poor. And they can't get a girlfriend, obviously.

Yeah, well, you don't have... How do you... What do you do as a sex offender? And people don't report people for sex crimes because most sex crimes are like friends and family, right? Right. You don't want to met them on a registry. 90%.

So they don't go and say, well, my uncle raped me, but I can't report it because I'll go on a sex offender registry and like no one in my family wants to end up on a sex offender registry. There's a lot of stuff like that. Yeah. There you go. Yeah, then you're always the guy in the family who sent cool Uncle Tony to prison. Hey, man. Cool Uncle Tony Pelosi.

Or whatever. Yeah. I think, look. That's the problem. Well, it's one of those problems, but there's no, like, better solution. Don't do it. Well, yeah, don't rape. I don't want to get notifications for the rest of my life that a rapist...

Then uninstall the Citizen app. But that's the only way I know I'm getting swatted is the Citizen app. Oh, okay. So I have to have it on. Yeah. But I don't want to get notifications for primo rapist content on my phone. I don't think that's helping anybody. I don't think women sitting around jacking off.

I think it is also for women because a woman might start dating a guy and then the woman has two kids. And she finds out the guy is kind of like a kid toucher and you're like, I don't really want to date that guy. I'll let him touch the ugly kid. So we're helping women. That's why we're doing this? I think it is mostly for women. Well, then where's the guy? This guy's mugged people before.

Yeah. This guy did a crypto scam. Stay away from him. Where's that registry? Well, I mean- How come it's only these ones that get registered? I guess just because we treat sex crimes so much more seriously than anything else. It's like a sex crime is the worst crime for some reason.

Yeah. than anything else. It's like a sex crime is the worst crime for some reason. Yeah. It is. To most people now will legitimately argue

that it's like worse to rape someone than murder them. And I'm like, I think I'd rather be raped than murdered in like most situations. I saw a girl on Twitter say,

because you have to live with it. Would you rather be still living? Because somebody said like, well, rape is, you know, it's comparable to getting false reported for rape.

She's like, oh, well, oh, yeah. So would you rather get raped or false reported for rape? I'm like, well, rape is, you know, it's comparable to getting false reported for rape. She's like, oh, yeah? So would you rather get raped or false reported for rape? I'm like, raped? I would 100% rather be, I'd be raped, I'd rather be raped 10 times than false reported for rape. Well, we live in a society where, again, being a victim is the highest form of

currency, so being raped actually has you know, and I'm not gonna say it on this show, because it's gonna get clipped forever. It's kind of a good thing. Monica Lewinsky. You know her name. I know her name. Why? If you get a really good rape on your books, you know?

You can get a book deal out of that. You've got to get them young, though. Cosby's too old. If you get raped by a famous guy, like a Donald Trump, you end up with $83 million. Oh, man. That's a lot of money. Does he have to go on the sex offender registry now? I Oh, man. That's a lot of money. I'd take that rate. So does he have to go on the sex offender registry now?

I don't know, because it was a defamation case. Don't you think it's a little voyeuristic, the whole registry? I don't want the federal government doing anything, especially when they say they're protecting women and kids. I'd say, lie. You'd never do anything for that. Yeah. Well, I mean, so the registry exists.

Why? Because those records aren't normally available? No, so they said Okay, we got all these sex crimes We're gonna make them Let's federalize them so that all Law enforcement agencies can get the data And bust more

So the idea is before Because this is all already legal information And then like two years later they said Hey, let's just open it up to everybody Well, that's how you get them Well, speaking of the law That was it up to everybody. Yeah. Well, that's how you get them. Yeah. Well, speaking of the law.

That was it? You talk about Pop-Tarts for 40 minutes, but nothing for sex offender registries? What do you mean? Speaking of the law. I thought you were done. You were trying to move on before. Okay, I'm done. I thought I found a great segue, but I guess not. Go for it.

Go for it. Speaking of the law, Dick, sometimes I'll be scrolling around on Facebook looking for things to make me upset or Twitter or whatever else because that's all our modern entertainment is. Yeah. I stumbled across a classic. It's actually a video I've queued up here on YouTube. Okay.

Let me know if you remember this classic Can you pause it? I'll get it I just want to put this in context Let me do it Stop Just to put this in context This is a man, an African American gentleman Who has unfortunately suffered a stroke while driving,

has smashed his car into the median. He's in the midst of a medical emergency. Thankfully, the police are here to help him in this situation. He's unconscious, unresponsive. You're going to take pepper spray. Yeah, take that. Just get that whole bottle of pepper spray right up. There you go.

Just get that whole bottle in his face there. Get out. Don't move around. I think you... Make sure the whole bottle. You got to take your seatbelt off, man. There you go. Well, there you go, folks.

That's just an example of some of America's fantastic policing. Woman cop. Well, the woman cop was there to make sure that the man was properly pepper sprayed. God, man, that should be illegal. Well, that happened in May of 2015. The police officer you saw pepper spraying a mostly unconscious man who just suffered a medical stroke was police

officer, Fredericksburg police officer Sean Juergens, who said get out of the car or I'm going to fucking smoke you before pepper spraying this man. Thankfully, Dick, we live in a country that does not stand for this kind of behavior.

Promotion. And Sean Juergens was promoted. Hold on, hold on. He was forced to resign from the force. Can you believe that? And of course, based on this poor judgment, this obvious, this man is unfit for policing. Clearly he's been banned from the job forever. No.

So I decided to look him up, and of course he just moved to it. How come there's no registry for bad cops? Well, that's a very, very good point. Good question, right? Dick, my problem is cops jumping departments. Like priests. It is very much like priests. Jumping departments.

Like priests. It is very much like priests. You see all the time these news articles that say this police officer has been forced to resign, was fired, was disbarred, whatever else. What they don't tell you is about 90 to 95% of the time those, what do you call it, firings are often overturned on arbitration Okay, if you fire a cop The police all have unions And they go, well I think we're going to have to arbitrate this Police misconduct

Is a reality That is becoming more and more Wait, what's your problem? Cops getting transferred? Yeah, transferring Oh, yeah Yeah, just going somewhere else I or I guess just getting rehired. Inability to fire cops.

Yeah, it's impossible. Well, yeah, the impossibility of firing cops. A study showed in Washington, D.C., for example, two out of three cops that were fired by the police department were eventually returned to the force, including those with behavior that had been deemed to be a threat to public safety. Yeah, I mean, what else are you going to do with them, though? People love that. No, people do not love that. No, you're, you don't, I think you probably kind of love it, too. I love the shitty fuck up.

Cops just pepper spray. No! Yeah, I think you do. Shut the fuck up. I think you do a little bit. This is awful. A Reuters analysis of over 3,000 complaints against police officers showed nine out of every 10 were resolved without any punishment or intervention. Of those 3,000 complaints, only five police officers were fired.

An analysis of records from 37 of the largest police forces in the country showed that out of 1,881 fired cops, at least 451 of them appealed and were reinstated. So at least close to 25%. This is a lot of like, man, do you ever just tune out when people are reading numbers at you? That's fair. Like you're stuck in grade school? Yeah. Like, I don't, man, I don't know. What's the deal?

What's the deal? Like, come on. I'll give you a number you'll actually care about. But it's just like reading stats. Stats are good. No, they're not. They're just boring. People like stats you a number you'll actually care about. But it's just like reading stats. Stats are good. No, they're not. They're just boring. People like stats on this show.

They don't. No, no, no, they don't. Here's a stat you'll like, okay? Of these reinstated officers from Washington, D.C., their average salaries are $374,000 a year. How do you feel about that stat? What city? Washington, D.C.

Who's the mayor and stuff? Of D.C.? Yeah. I assume it's a Democrat. Oh, that's so strange. What about the other cities where there's cop problems? Can we do one? No, there's cop problems in every city, and they're not all in Democrat.

What cities? L.A.? Is there cop problems in la uh i can't yeah yeah yeah yeah boca boca raton no no no no is there so la has a cop problem right yeah who's running la is it oh oh hold on is it ramp ramp all my ohos aren't too good are you talking about governor gavin newsom yeah what what's he? He's a Democrat. Yeah, there you go. Okay.

His whole state, though. I'm talking about cities. So you're saying... Cities. Shut up, shut up, shut up. I'm talking about cities. No, let's talk about Governor Gavin Newsom. Why would we talk about...

Okay, okay. Yeah. I just want you to admit that all your Democrat people are doing this to cities with cops. Interesting that you say that. They don't do that in Republican places. Interesting. That kind of is at odds with this information that says one of the few states

that has taken steps to prevent this is California, thanks to a slate of new bills signed into law by California Governor Gavin Newsom. Wow. I'm going to shoot myself in the fucking head. One of the major reforms in the package. What reform? When was that passed?

In 2021. Largely as a response to the Black Lives Matter movement, it seems. One of the major reforms in the package allows a panel made of police officers, civilians, and legal experts to decertify police officers, meaning that they can no longer be hired as cops. And California is one of the few states... How many got decertified? You know what? Probably millions. You don't know. How many? I got the news article from when the law was new. How many? It's been going on

for three years. How many got decertified? I don't have the updated news article. They don't have a fucking registry? These are bad cops? Don't hire them? I'm sure they have a fucking registry. That's the whole point is it creates a registry. I don't know if it is a public registry. That's the whole point is it creates a registry. I don't know if it is a public registry. What's it called? What's that thing called? I didn't get the name of the law.

Newsom, the same guy that said black people how much money do you want? He goes, you know what? It's not about money. It's about respect. Yeah, that was good. That was another good thing he did. Because he just fucks with people. He gave you this. So you'd go, wow, look at those. Gavin Newsom really nailed that. For reparations five million fine by

me okay i'm okay with fucking with those people because they're fucking insane that's the that's the cornerstone of the democratic platform okay i'm okay with fucking with those people look up don't fuck with me shut the fuck up look up california decertify police decertify that is the name of the legal apparatus that prevents these people. Okay, so it happened in 2021. Okay. And then, uh, California governor proposes rolling back access to

police. Oh. Now you're just searching for anything. I just typed in exactly what he told me. California governor proposes rolling back access to police misconduct records. Was that Gavin Newsom who said that? Hold on. It says that they want to hand the responsibility to local agencies to cover a budget deficit.

The budget deficit of servers. We had this bulletin board. We had this database of cops. But you know what? It didn't say that. Do you fucking see how you're getting hoodwinked by this fucking slick-talking Patrick Bacon motherfucker? Oh my god, for the love of god, I'm sorry that he's

trying to cover a budget thing. A number of states A budget thing? What would the budget be? No, he's saying there would still be the decertification, it would just be like less easy to access it because you have to go to the local department to get the records or something. Let me ask you something. Have you heard any black people going, you know what, actually, it was great.

He did the thing where police can't just kick the shit out of us, and it turned out really well. Because I haven't heard that. Remember when Trump tried to hijack the government by sending his goons into the state capitol? You know, I didn't get a call. If Trump tries to take over the government, I will be the first or second call.

Remember when Trump told your proud boys to stand up and bear down or whatever the fuck? You see that. Right away, it said he rescinded it. Trump said, hey, Proud Boys, stay proud. Get in there. Smash some heads. Right away, he rescinded it. Right away.

He didn't rescind it. That's not rescinding it. That's a records fucking thing. That's completely unrelated. He's going to close a $30 billion budget by turning off sending it. It's just, that's a records fucking thing. It's completely like unrelated. Okay? The policing reform. He's gonna close a 30 billion dollar budget by turning off a database? There's probably like some. What the fuck?

What the fuck? You're not allowed to when I do a problem, bring up a news article I haven't read. Cause you're fucking trying to stump me with Gavin Newsom shit. No, you're basically the devil. You're trying to say the problem is the leftists are doing it when the leftists are the only ones who are implementing these police reform procedures because all you right-wing guys are like, I fucking love cops.

If there was a cop here, I'd suck him off right now and thank him for fucking beating up all those black people. Like, that's all the conservatives doing it. You got to bring race into this. Well, that's what it is. You always have to bring race into this. Anytime there's a cop thing, it's usually a race. Oh, I just think those black people deserve

to have their faces smashed in. Look at what they did. Okay, the point is that steps have been taken in many states. States that have not taken these steps include New Jersey, Hawaii, and Rhode Island, where cops can skip town and restart their careers with a clean slate

I feel like your problem is a lot of reading these news headlines, but you didn't really look into them. I don't need... The problem is not the stats or the laws or the whatever. The problem is the fact that we have a society that allows people to do bad things, and then instead of society agreeing, well, that guy probably shouldn't be a cop,

there's a cabal of other cops who go, I don't understand. It's just a black guy, and he put a bunch of pepper spray in his face. Yeah, but that's what- I do that every day. I mean- He should obviously still have a job. If you're a cop, what's the big deal, man? What's the big deal?

So you pepper sprayed that guy. So you shot a couple guys. He was having a fucking stroke. It's stressful to be a cop. You gotta do all- First of all, you gotta enforce all these ridiculous ass laws. You gotta listen to women shouting at you

all day. You should be allowed to pepper spray a couple black guys. Or Haitian guys, whatever. A white woman will give you one white woman a year. And man, make it a good one. What this problem boils down to, if you stamp 10 black guys, you get one white woman for free.

Right? Don't you think that's a good plan? I think all of you at home have seen a video of a man having a medical emergency being pepper sprayed. My point is perhaps the man who pepper sprayed him is unfit for the job. Oh, fuck off. What do you expect I don't What's the big deal What do you expect him to do Help him

Ask him Hey is there a problem Can you get Do you need assistance Yeah but he's probably Fucking fiddling around Fussing around You saw him in the video

He's like half asleep He's like not even You shouldn't be in the car Being half asleep He had a stroke You fucking psychopath You didn't plan to have a stroke So it's not the worst thing That happened to him that day then half asleep? He had a stroke, you fucking psychopath! He didn't plan to have a stroke!

So it's not the worst thing that happened to him that day, then. Got a little pepper sprayed, no big deal. Right? I've been pepper sprayed, you've been pepper sprayed, it's not a big fucking deal. Sure. You're just piling all this shit onto cops, what do you expect? You're right, back to blue, guys. Vote it down, because Dick

apparently, this is apparently now a pro-cop show, just because Dick and his need to argue about fucking everything has now fucking leached into his brain and made him insane. I just can't believe that you pulled up that thing with Gavin. Was that fruit punch beer full of fucking cop cum, and that's why you're so excited about it? I'm going to throw away the rest of that fucking fruit punch beer. I don't know how this became the fucking Back to Blue Hour with Dick Masterson.

Guys! I threw away my thing. Cops. The impossibility of firing cops will come with a shorter title for it, but you know what I mean. But then what? You're just going to have anarchy.

You can get rid of it. People are going to be stealing bikes left and right. No. Steal your car. What are you going to call if somebody steals your car? Yeah, they're really going to. Who am I going to call? The fucking impound lot that took it and charged me $1,000.

Okay, the cops didn't do shit. All right. So, no, I don't need cops that go around, kill people, shoot people, and break people's jaws and don't understand the law. If we're going to have cops, they got to be able to pepper spray people. At least you can agree on that. I'm not saying they can't pepper spray people. As much as they want. Anybody.

Not as much as they want or anybody. If you see them, you should run like a cockroach. Cockroach. Just do your other fucking... Don't you agree with that part? No. If you see a policeman, you should run. I don't agree with that advice.

And go, he's got a gun! And point at him. I don't agree with that. That's bad advice. Yeah, sure. Why not? What do you. That's bad advice. Yeah, sure. Why not? What do you mean it's bad advice? Why don't you write a book on that?

Dick Masterson's guide to dealing with the cows. Write a book on that? What is that? That would be fun. It would be a fun guide. Bad life advice. And it's all scenarios that are the exact opposite of what you do if you see a bear. Did you?

Bears are afraid of us. Like a gay bear? Bears are afraid of spinning in circles. He doesn't have coke. If he tells you he does, he does not. He's tricking you. All right. I can't believe you thought Newsom was doing something about cops.

Newsom did do something about cops. He signed those bills into fucking... And then he rescinded it right away. He didn't rescind it. He's like straight up evil, though. You know that, right? Why is Gavin Newsom evil? Like, look at him.

Okay. Just look at him. Yeah. What, do you get a good feeling out of that guy? who's who's a good politician trump other than trump uh thomas massey who's that guy which one's that holy shit ran paul is he like that tom cotton guy did you see the video of him what's he he's the guy who uh they brought in the TikTok CEO who's from Singapore. And he kept going, have you ever been? Pretty close to that.

Did he really? Pretty close. That's cool. He basically kept going, are you now or have you ever been a member of the Chinese Communist Party? And the guy's like, well, I'm from Singapore, so no. He's like, do you have a Chinese passport? He's like, well, no, because I'm from Singapore. And it's just this long, stupid, embarrassing thing to try and claim the guy was Chinese.

So you like Gavin Newsom? Yeah, I think it's all right. What's your favorite thing about, what's your favorite part about Gavin Newsom? My favorite part about Gavin Newsom was. Remember when it was COVID and he went out and had dinner and stuff? Right after he locked everyone down? Do you remember that? Yeah, what a horrible...

It's horrible. You don't think that's bad at all? I don't care about that. But why? What's in your mind where you think that's cool that he did that? I'm not that bothered by it. Why? I don't know.

I also went to people's houses and had dinners. What do you mean? Then why was there a lockdown? Because everybody went temporarily insane and thought masks were useful. All right, my problem is private Wi-Fis. You go to, like, I got my tire fixed the other day, and I go sit in the tire store. I'm like, oh, no problem. I'll just fire up the internet, you know, kill, like, 30 minutes here, load it up, and it's just like, awesome.

There's 50 Wi-Fis. They're all private. Like, come on, man. There's just like, there's just internet. You weren't getting a good signal from your normal network? No, I didn't have that set up. I didn't have the hotspot set up. Oh.

But there's just internet all, there's internet all over. And it's always. Wait, did you bring your laptop? Yeah. You're gonna do work at the fucking mechanics? Yeah, I like putting my knees close together so I can balance my computer on them and typing like that. But I can't, because everything's private.

Well, I think your problem is you're trying to get work done at a mechanic shop. Okay, wherever. Fucking wherever. You pull over on the side of the road. You can't just sit there because you can't just sit there and use Wi-Fi. It's like this abundant resource we have.

Is it abundant? It's like the tragedy of the commons, right? You mean right? I'm saying, like, I don't leave my Wi-Fi open for my neighbors. You don't either. You have a password on your Wi-Fi right now. I know, because I don't want people messing with my stuff, but how come there's not like a thing?

Public businesses, you think, should offer it. That should be everywhere. No one even cares. If you're sitting around not getting on Wi-Fi, maybe homeless people could connect to Wi-Fi or something and get a job. Honestly, no, they're not going to use it to get a job.

Maybe they could do what you're doing easily. That's true. They could make magic card unboxings. Is that what you're doing now? Yeah. I can see my magic card channel. I saw you put your hands in focus and not... Not the cards?

Well, yeah, yeah, yeah. The hands and the cards and like a screen. Yeah. Like a mystery guy. They're in focus. What do you mean it's a mystery? No, no, no. Like they were the focus of the shot. The hands were the focus and a screen. Like a mystery guy. They're in focus. What do you mean? They were the focus of the shot. The hands were the focus.

The person watching was opening the cards. They were opening the pack. That's what I thought. I'm opening the pack. But it was shot so that it's the point of view of you. Okay, that's how you felt? You felt like it was supposed to make them feel? Like they were opening the pack? I didn't make that psychological

connection. I thought it was a good move. Oh, wow. Look at that. He's making it like... Because you shot it from the camera looking out, so it's like, oh, look, I'm opening this pack. It feels like you're actually opening a pack of magic cards. They could put their hands on gloves like Homer Simpson. Wow. Subscribe to YouTube.com slash

Draft Magic, which is my old magic channel. How long are you going to do that? Well, it's a thing where if I buy a box of magic cards, I can make a couple bucks back on ad revenue by making videos out of it. So it kind of helps justify my expensive habit. Oh, yeah. How most people could do that? I also do enjoy making those videos, but I would put them on my main channel and they would get no views because like YouTube has said specifically, they're like, if you're going to make niche content and it doesn't fit the niche you're already making it for, don't put it on that channel. They've said your channel should make one type of video and only that. And I'm like, okay, fair enough.

It's kind of obvious, though. Like, your viewers wouldn't want to see that shit. Yeah, but that sucks. They don't need to. They should be able to. Every video you put up should be identified separately. It should be ranked separately it should be ranked separately oh it shouldn't have to rely on whether or not you're right now youtube ranks are your

existing viewers interested in this video and if not we won't show it to anyone else this is what i think when i hear that's what happened to like well that's what happened to trixie is that all her fans were like we like anime yeah she's like And she's like, cool, I'm going to upload rap songs. Don't want it. Yeah, you can't do that. It's never happened to you where you're like, you know, somewhere and you're trying to get on the internet and it's all private, private, private, private, private. I just use, well, I'm only on my phone. I mean, okay, I'll say this. Like when you go to a hotel and they want you to pay for like a Wi-Fi pass.

Okay. Which is bullshit. bullshit like just give me access i'm already paying for the room i should get free wi-fi with it they just nickel and dime you it's like 25 bucks a day or something at one hotel i stayed at yeah yeah so that i agree and you know i ended up uh wanted to use my laptop but of course you know there's ways around it you get your phone you can make your phone a hotspot. Alright. Well, that's my problem. That's it.

Got any stats? No, I, that, honestly, halfway through your stats, I'm like, this is like a fucking NPR episode. I'm gonna fucking kill myself. People like stats. People like the stats. I think the stats are fun, because it's like, no one gives a shit about those stats. You feel educated.

Like, later on, you know, you might be in a conversation with someone. You go, well, actually, I heard that out of 3,000 police departments- Yeah, seriously. Only 25- No, people love that shit. No, they don't. They just want to hear, like, this is why I hate this problem. They don't want a bunch of fucking stats.

People buy, like, fucking the Guinness Book of World Records and shit so they can go, did you know that the longest flight for an air whistle was 290? Everybody hates that guy. The guy that you're describing about Guinness Book of World Records. No, people love that guy. Fucking hate him. That's why they put that in the bar because everybody at the bar, you'd

bring up... Do you tell people like stuff that you heard off the internet? Like, hey, did you hear about... Isn't that this show? Maybe that's what annoys me so much about it. Maybe I figured this show's format out quicker than you did. All right, what are our problems? My problems are

product placement-based movies. Product movies. That's a rough one. Whatever. Vote it down. Shut up. What was the other one that you had? Cops changing departments. That could have been good, but it was just so one. Whatever. Vote it down. Shut up. What was the other one that you had? Cops changing departments.

That could have been good, but it was just so much stats. No, it was. Stats are good. You want to know the numbers of how- No one gives a shit. Yeah, you know what? Let's just never do a show again because none of this matters and everything's pointless. You know?

It's all just pointless useless information. But it's just like reading stats. You ever go to the mechanic shop to work on some spreadsheets and the mechanics have the private Wi-Fi? Everything's locked everywhere. You can't get on anything. Most people are working actual jobs and not trying to get their work done. Not you. Don't try to big league me on jobs.

You don't have any actual fucking jobs. I've had actual jobs. Okay. Making a comic book is a very big job. And what was the other one? The sex offender registry. Sex offender registry. Okay.

You're surprisingly quiet on that one. He loves cops and he loves sex offenders. Yeah. Come on, man. How come there's no registry for like women that are not worth it? Well, what are you going to do? Yeah. Okay.

Go to patreon.com slash biggestproblem or biggestproblem.show. Bye slash biggestproblem. And don't forget to vote on all the episodes and problems at biggestproblem.show. We need to do a bonus episode. Can we do it this week, maybe? Sure. Okay, good. We need to do a bonus episode. Can we do it this week, maybe? Sure. Okay, good. We'll have a new bonus episode very soon.

If you guys have... Oh, I want to say two things. One, we love bonus episode suggestions. Didn't we come up with a new format? Are we only going to do one problem? Not really. I don't know. It's so hard to do bonus episodes.

It's not that hard. I don't know why. You think you just run out of... Because it just drags so much. Like, talking about one thing for an hour. So we got to bring in more bull- We should bring in more bullshit. We should play more, uh-

It's just going to be more stats, though, like this. Wow, you just fucking- That was rough. Say you hate doing the show, all right? Just say it at this point. Like an hour of Harry Potter would be like, oh my god. You hate the show. You hate the audience.

You're only here for the super chat. It's the only time your eyes light up. The other thing I wanted to say, guys, please, the voted up segment is great when you guys send me news articles and I don't have to desperately search for them. Okay? And stop. Voted up, let's be clear, is news articles.

So it doesn't help me when you go oh voted up shitty mobile game ads and then link me to a shitty mobile game ad because what am i going to do play it on the show sent me this ad here you go hey i thought for voted up you could play this advertisement i'm like it's not the bit that's not the the segment the segment is news articles related to problems uh if you're on the discord there is a hashtag voted up board where you can post news articles i mean obviously if something's relevant to a problem and you want to talk about it that's fine but really help me out and then i don't have to go looking for gas stove news articles which probably aren't actually that interesting

there you go and then you could also just sayito, stop being lazy and do it yourself. And I do do it myself. But if you see a good news, if you read the news and you see something good, give it to me. It's helpful. We're doing super chats now. Is that what we do? Oh, no, shit. I got to do voicemails.

Okay. I forgot about that. That's what I thought. Okay. I also want to thank. Do I thank anybody? I don't know. We got to tighten up this show.

We had one bad one, one really good one, and then one bad one. Well, there's a certain gentleman who I want to have sit in on more episodes. Asking my friends to waste their Friday night to sit in the background is not going to help the show. I would pay them to do it. You can't. The amount of money you would offer is nothing. Yeah, but like, I know. It's a good point.

There's probably some other idiots who could get to sit there for money, though. I don't think that's going to fix it. It's not a studio audience. All right. And we need a girl. Oh, no. This show is great with a studio audience. Alright. And we need a girl. Oh no. This is like, all of this stuff is bad. You keep having all these news babes come in. Aren't any of them funny?

Well, yeah, they're great, but this show needs good problems. These are good problems! I had a cop video and we watched the video and we talked about it. It's just you start all of a sudden making it into this weird copaganda thing. It doesn't feel good. It doesn't feel good.

Well, maybe don't turn every problem into how the liberals are fucking up your life. The gas stove, oh, that's the liberals. Oh, the police. Oh, the catapults. Like, maybe. Yeah, that's at least personal. It's not just stats. That's what I'm saying.

You're retarded. Great show. I don't think so. All right, this guy's an apology for you. You, is something going on in your life? I owe you a bit of an apology because I always thought that he was, you know, an over-caring loser about his pop culture shit. I ordered a video game. Did you hear that guy?

I owe you a bit of an apology because I always thought that he was, you know, an over-caring loser about his pop culture shit. I just downloaded it. Like today. I ordered a video game in the post, and it came, and on the top corner it says,

cover reprinted. And it's just awful. It's just all the colors are muted, nothing is as nice. I am really gutted. It's really making me think about my life choices and how much money... I can't fucking understand a word he's saying.

Can you? I heard that he said the cover Stop, this is terrible Something was reprinted And he got a reprinted cover of something So I don't know what he's talking about If it's a comic or a book or something Yeah, probably a book

But it was terrible voice quality And some sort of incomprehensible It was supposed to be an apology for you. That's why I downloaded it. I don't know who... Yeah, well, I'll have to listen to that later. I don't know. All right, here's Black History Month something.

You think it's going to be a cringe Black History Month joke? Maybe it'll be about nickel nips. Which are not... I'm starting to hate Black History Month. I used to love it, but now when it starts, it's like a bunch of people just like making these just the worst jokes ever. Well, that's the same with Pride month is that it's just devolved into how much we hate it and it's like yeah i know we all hate it no no no no uh it's turned into like people making jokes at

black people's expense i think like well that's not funny like there's no repercussions anymore i don't know if you saw everyone's using using the F-slur on Twitter now. It just doesn't matter anymore. Yeah. You don't have to adhere to the laws of society. It's a lawless zone now. Okay. Hey, Vito.

It's Buzz. Hi. First day of Black History Month. I was wondering, since you're such a good friend to black people. Yes. What should I do? Should I call all my black friends and tell them happy Black History Month? Should I buy them a gift?

Should I buy them a gift? Yeah, you should do that. No, no, no, no, no. Gifts are for Juneteenth. That's a Juneteenth thing. Black History Month is a time to educate yourself. Okay.

That's a good answer. Thank you. Juneteenth is when you celebrate with a blood cake or whatever. A what? When you make all red food. Red is the significant color of Juneteenth. Why?

I forget exactly why. Some say it symbolizes the blood that the slaves bled for this great country. Other people just say it's funny when black people eat red food because their lips get all red. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. It's like a prank. All right. Here we go. Oh, Dick and Vito, it's two-tone.

And I got to say, you guys did a great job on Kicker Keep. Thank you. Good W. Somehow, Vito went through a whole argument about pedophilia. And I don't think he got called a pedo once. Maybe once, though. Maybe once. Maybe Tom, though. Maybe once. Maybe Tom got one in there.

But I have to say about that conversation topic about IDing underage kids to see if they have a fake ID. I can't have this conversation again. You know, if you're able to make a fake ID, right, go out and get all that stuff. You know, are you... It's okay to statutorily rape you. it's okay to statutory rape you wouldn't be able to consent to what maybe i mean another 16 or anything well the show's canceled he raises a

valid point if you get tried as an adult for something i think you fuck that guy i think that you know if you uh are being uh prosecuted statutory rape, they should make the kid do a math test. And if the kid can pass algebra too. How do you keep them from blowing it on purpose, though? Kids always want to show off. If a kid's good at math, they want you to know about it. So if they actually loved you, you can help them. I raped you, but now I've got to help you study for a math test.

Yeah, you can prove your love is pure with math. That makes sense. So on the topic of lady ballers, my sister knows somebody who actually worked in the writer's room. Apparently they had a bunch of really solid writers where a couple of them were from BoJack Horseman, like T-Karama and Rick and Morty. So they have TV writing experience.

And they came up with the script and then apparently that jeremy guy is a complete megalomaniac and he came in looked at the script and rewrote the almost the entirety of it because all he wanted it to be was just like trans jokes hour and a half long steven crowder sketch um yeah so apparently a big part of why that movie sucks so bad is just that guy is fucking insane. I could see that. He seems like he sucks so much. Oh my God.

Can't act. Say or do anything fun. Hey, I made him her chocolate because pronouns. Yeah. Is that the joke? Is that it? Where does it go from here? We got it.

Okay. And then what? And then what? That's it. That's it. That's it. And they're $25 a bar. Oh. Was that his daughter in the movie?

Must have been, I guess. No, they might have got a child actor. That was fucking horrible. The emotional core of the movie, a little blonde girl. Who should have went trans? Oh, she tried to go trans and he had to stop her. She did? Yeah, remember?

She's like, I want to be a boy. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And he said, no. Yeah, yeah, yeah. For some reason. This is like the 10th fucking time Vito brought confirmation bias as a goddamn problem. I swear to God, every six months or so, he forgets. That's a long time.

I don't know if it's the fat brain or what it is. He just fucking forgets and brings it in every time. It is just a slight variation, Vito. What the fuck? What's going on in your head? Stop bringing in fucking misinformation or confirmation bias or whatever. It's the same fucking problem over and over again, Vito. It's the same fucking problem.

I think this is... You keep rehashing it, and you keep forgetting. I don't... All right, I'm going to the bathroom. You play another one. I think this is your confirmation bias, assuming. What the fuck? Dick just knocked a bunch of shit over.

Okay, I want to hear about how Taylor Swift fans are pedophiles. And I pressed the wrong button. I think I'm supposed to drag it into that box. Dick has never let me do this before. I have so much power. Yo, on the Taylor Swift pedophile thing, me and my friends always joke about the fact that in her song Antihero,

one of her lyrics is, sometimes I feel like everybody is a sexy baby and I'm a monster on a hill. And there's no good way to spin that. And I asked my cousin, who's a huge Swifty, and I was just like, what the fuck was that lyric about? And then she said, did you watch the music video? And I said, no.

And then she said, well, those were some really sexy babies. So I have no fucking clue. I'm not watching that. I'm pretty sure Dick's right. They are pedophiles. We talked about the sex offender registry. I think if you watch that Taylor Swift video, you end up on it. Why is every voicemail about me? Here's something Vito said.mp3.

Vito, you said in the last episode you don't want to think what it's like when you get old. Vito, you're 300 pounds. You're not getting old. Yeah, okay. Thank you. He says I'm going to die young because I'm fat. Great, great stuff. I just got a random list. Thanks for the confirmation, thank you. He says I'm going to die young because I'm fat. Great, great stuff. I just got, like, a random list. He's confirmation biased.

Hey, Dick. Hi. The confirmation bias thing really struck a nerve with me because I am still arguing with my dad about the fucking kitty litter. Every time. I mean, I bring it up for fun. Like, at first he was, like, really mad about it. And I'm like, hey, yeah, and you still believe there's kitty litter in school.

And he's always drunk when he's talking about it. I'm like, ah, you know what? Well, your uncle's wife's friend is a teacher, and she saw the kitty litter. It was that thing where, you know, all the conservatives were saying that they were putting kitty litter in the bathrooms at schools for the furry students. Oh, yeah. And all the boomers believed it because... But how's that confirmation bias? Well, because they believe that liberals are, like, so insane

that you could say literally anything about these liberal schools and they would believe it. If I said they have razor blades in there so the kids can cut off their own dicks, they would say... Furry changes the next time he's talking. Well, your sister's friend's son bought a kitty litter in the school and it's real look it up and i say okay how about you google it for once because he always tells me

to google shit because he's a boomer and and i feel like all right i google it hey look even fox news says it's fake they admitted it wrong. Well, it doesn't matter because your dog's mother's counselor. All right, you really thought through that rant, and I agree with you. See, Dick, that's how you do the voicemails. We got it. Are we doing one more? What are we doing? One more?

You've been gone for a while. We've been playing a couple. Oh, you have? Yeah. Okay, fuck it. We played like two while you were gone. Okay, all more, one more. Oh, one more? You've been gone for a while. We've been playing a couple. Oh, you have? Yeah. Oh, okay, fuck it then. We played like two while you were gone. Okay, all right, all right. All right.

Are we doing super chats? Yes, of course. Okay. Please, God. Guys, get your super chats in. Gotta save the show with super chats. Will you stop? It was a great show.

I don't know, man. These problems are just so low energy. You are all in your fucking head. These problems are so low energy. Dude, you are all inside your head right now. No, no, no, no. It's not called being inside your head to want excellence at all times. That's not being inside your head.

I think. You got to bring more than this, like, than whatever this is. I don't know. It's got to be better than this. You're all hopped up on sugar. I wish I was hopped up on something. It's like someone gave you a bunch of... I really want to say it.

It feels like NPR. It just feels like NPR. Anyway, here's... You really want to say what? What do you want to say? I really like the idea that I got the name of that candy wrong, but I can't say what I thought it was. Everyone knows what you're saying.

N-word lips. Everyone knows. N-word lips, which is funny N-word nips, which is funny. I just have to say it slow. I actually thought it was something like that. I'm like... You're fucking racist. Well, because I just remember us saying it and being like, fuck, is it really called that?

No. It's kind of close. Nickel nips. If you say it quick enough. Nickel. Nickel nips. No. Nickel. Nickel nips. No. Nickel.

Nickel nips. Whatever. It sounds racist. Like a nip of something. Yeah, nips at the end, which makes it worse. You would never read N-I-K-L as anything other than nickel. How is there not like a liquor brand? Because nips are the liquor that famously destitute people might enjoy.

Right. Coup for 50 big dollars. Because nips are the liquor that famously destitute people might enjoy. Right. I would call it. Coup for 50 big dollars. Thank you all for not killing yourselves. It be time for Vito's booty. Will that guy's cradle be walking off the plank? That'll be for Vito to decide. Yarg.

We're doing Vito's booty. We're doing it at the end of the show, I assume. I mean, I don't know, Vito. When are we doing it? I think we the show I assume I mean I don't know Vito when are we doing it I think we gotta make people wait through the super chats A little bit? We gotta make it all the way to the end of the show Alright GunRanger5 biggest problem Titta okay you really fucked up the name of the show

Is pharmacist wait times You can wait an hour before going You're still never ready to go They need at least 15 minutes at least It is trash PineappleMan for 5 Hey Bag of Schmidt be sure to feed your neopets today Still never ready to go. They need at least 15 minutes at least. It is trash. I agree. Pineapple Man for five. Hey, Bag of Schmidt, be sure to feed your Neopets today.

I don't want little Jub Jub to starve. Great show, guys. Thank you. Did you have a Neopets account? What is that? No. I only had, it was like Pokemon, but online. What do you do? Like Tamagotchi, you log in and feed it? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But they would never die. So anytime you log in your Neopets account, all your Neopets have been starving for the past eight years. Oh, yeah. No, I didn't have that. But I think at some point, Neopets currency actually became worth money. So it ended up like a crypto thing where people who invested in the Neopets stock market back in 2005 were like-

They had a bunch of money. Yeah, they were selling their Neopets coins. Alex Adam for five. I got an idea for you guys that you want to make a sketch show. Why don't you guys make a pilot episode, put it on YouTube and see if people like it. Bad idea. For a number of reasons. Nobody's going to watch a whole episode

of anything on the internet. You got to post a sketch. Yeah. That's the best way to do it. Lloyd Leloo Somebody was asking They're like Well why don't you just make The biggest problem show yourselves

And I said Well we don't have enough money Yeah cause no one would watch it That's why Yeah No it's something You have to force on a TV And someone like sits down

And watches it Lloyd Leloo For 15 Australian Eric made a career Attacking the employees Of comic book publishers But when the same thing Happens to employees

He turns around and goes What it is Don't attack my people, is what it is. Yeah, he's being such a fucking asshole about whatever. Because he's just such a blatant hypocrite, and I'm just like, well, you don't have to put yourself in hypocritical situations.

As I said, why don't you just stop streaming with all these guys who complain about all the things that you're doing? Because then you'll appear like less of a hypocrite. Where they're like, I can't believe these companies hire all these SGWs and you go, ugh, yeah, ugh. It's like, I can't believe these guys don't get seasoned writers who

understand, like, plot. And he's like, yeah, yeah, I don't know, that'd be good to get that. He looks like such a hypocrite all the time. I can't believe he hired those two chicks. I don't know why he put them in charge of everything. They must have fucked him or something. Or, like, led him to think that he could fuck them I mean they did the classic

You know leftist tactic Getting in there and being like I'm gonna help you out So now you're bringing up You sneak in with your blue hair and you make everything gay Which is gonna be hilarious Alright dog for five grape vans in the chat Grape van grape van grape van Antagonist for two Vito post your damn cats

On my server already. Oh, yeah, you're right. I keep forgetting. Send me a message on Discord. It will remind me. Johnny Rock for two. Ahoy, mateys. Ahoy!

PW Project for two says, biggest problem I end to you. I don't know what that is. It's too many streamers, beef, and broccoli. I did have some beef and broccoli today. I've been doing my Panda Express diet. Oh, yeah? Yeah. The beef and broccoli one?

Beef and broccoli is 150 calories. So you've been eating 150 calories a day? Well, I get the beef and broccoli for 150. Okay. I get the mushroom chicken for 170. So 300? 320. Okay.

And it comes with the lo mein noodle. I get half of that, which is like another $150. Okay. And then I get the super green stick. What's the total? Maybe like $600. Okay. What else are you eating?

Let's see. So I had that. And then before that, I made some pasta. Okay. How much? I made half a, I took like a thing of linguine, you know? No, what's a thing of linguine? Like a package of linguine.

I cooked half the package of linguine. How many does that serve? Well, I didn't eat it all at once. It's like I made it, and then I ate a plate, and then this morning I had a little bit more. Okay. So what's that? How many calories is that? I don't know.

I made linguine and clams. I had some clams I had to get rid of. Okay. So what's that? How many calories is that? I don't know. I made linguine and clams. I had some clams I had to get rid of. You had clams at your house you had to get rid of? I bought clams. How is that possible? Well, because I was at the Asian market and they had clams and I have this box of clam fritter mix I bought a while ago. So I did

one night make fried clam fritters, but I only made a couple of them. I want to make you some. You ever had a clam fritter? I don't know. Next Friday I want to bring some clam fritters, but I only made a couple of them. I want to make you some. You ever had a clam fritter? I don't know. Next Friday I want to bring some clam fritters over. Those are bad, though. Those are like deep fried. How often do you have deep fried clams lying around? I haven't had deep fried. I haven't done that

in a while. I bought a box for like the holidays. So you had all that stuff in one day? No, no, no. Like six meals at Panda Express? No, I had, today I had the 600 calories at Panda Express. Okay. And around

breakfast time, I ate a little bit of the leftover clam linguine. Before? Okay, so you ate leftover fried clam linguine. No, no, no. Half the box. It wasn't fried in the pasta. That was why I had leftover clams. That was just clams, garlic, shallots, white wine, olive oil, linguine, red pepper flakes, parsley. Simple pasta.

Well, just like the calorie count is all anyone cares about, not red pepper flakes. Well, I can't tell you. I mean, whatever a serving. It's on the box. Okay, I'll look up a serving of linguine. I mean, I probably had a fourth of the package last night. Okay. Another fourth of the package this morning.

That's half a pack. That's half a pack. I feel like I ate something else. Maybe not. Yeah, probably. And then I had this coffee. That's it? Yeah, yeah.

What are you going to have when you leave? The Panda Express, you get a lot of food for like the mushroom chicken and the beef and broccoli. It fills you up. The key is broccoli fills you up. Okay. So you get the super greens and you get the beef and broccoli. And if you just eat all the broccoli, you're full. I watched a YouTube video of a guy. He said he lost a bunch of weight just at Panda Express.

Oh. Then I get five egg rolls because egg rolls have zero calories and a big lemonade. I'm fucking with you. Did you really think I thought egg rolls had zero calories? I mean, you think something wildly incorrect so it's not crazy. No, no, no. I didn't eat that much.

Johnny Rogan for $20. Are you fucking big-leaguing me like you know? I had a couple cakes, a big package of nickel nips, and I had a good time. You hide it in there, but you're obviously eating something that doesn't add up. Well, because after I did the diet, I was like, you know, after I lost the flash 30 pounds. It wasn't 10 pounds.

You weighed yourself last time. It was 300 pounds. Okay. Well, I'm telling you that scale. First of all, I'm going to see what your scale does because my scale does something different. What do you mean? Your scale is always like off. Which way?

It's too much. It's too high. Okay. My scale is always high. Yeah. Okay. By 10 pounds. So what are you looking for if it does or not?

We'll just see. We'll see. Okay. By 10 pounds. So what are you looking for if it does or not? We'll just see. We'll see. Okay. We'll see. Josh, shut up. Johnny Rocket for 20. Alvacore Retardo rendition part one is out. Working on number two.

Thank you for conceiving the character of Ricky Retardo together. He is fun to write. Also keep an eye out for Helliphant. Spelled that way to avoid trademark issues. Yes. Johnny Rocket, the new writer for Skyververse. Thelled that way to avoid trademark issues. Yes, Johnny Rocket, the new writer for the hit writer of the Skyververse. Doesn't he have

his Comicsgate imprint or something? He has a name for it. I don't know, but good job. Also, all these people are being like, I can't believe Ethan VanSkyver let Vito into Comicsgate. He's ruining Comicsgate. Guys, don't worry. I'm not in your Comicsgate. Don't worry about it.

It's fine. I don't want to cause trouble for you guys. They're like, he's going to ruin Comicsgate. Don't worry. I'm not even there. You can report him. It's not even a thing. Yeah. Yeah. Okay, I'll support you quietly from the sidelines. How's that? Dickwood for five. Glad you guys won Kick or Keep. I was pissing myself

from Smoke the whole pack part. That was a fantastic joke. Yeah, yeah. I knew we won when I was pissing myself from Smoke the whole pack part. That was a fantastic joke. Yeah, I knew we won when I said that. Oh my God, that was incredible. Kicks McCann, that's like- Nobody's making jokes on that show. They're talking about like pedophiles and shit. Why do you think I get to the finals every fucking week?

Every week is just people being insufferable and me going, you guys are F-slayers. And they're like, shut up, you know? Who was that guy? Who was that black guy that was just like- Steamrolling everyone? Fossil, was that his name? Fossil and arguing with his teammate, Tom.

Oh, my God. He would just talk like forever. Yeah, he would never... I don't know how he got... The thing is, the why you do the thing is, you go bop-a-dee-ba-da. It's like, oh, my God, man. Shut the fuck up.

The only reason he got to the finals, not to, you know, shut the man down, was... Because Turkey Tom. Well, Turkey Tom was apparently streaming to like a thousand people, so the fact that we won was actually fucking incredible. Yeah. Because all of Turkey Tom's little sycophants, all these 14-year-olds

who follow him. Oh, sycophants. Come on. They're just fans of comedy. They're little psychopath pre-teens who are going, I watch all of Turkey Tom's videos. He's got a great fan base. That's what we were up against. Hit him hard. That's what we were up against. Hit him hard for what he's saying. Gotta talk a little shit about

our fellow Kick or Keep contestants. Let's see. KicksMcHenry5, love you goddamn retards. You killed it on Kick or Keep. Congratulations on the win. I'm always swinging for you guys. TBF, I truly do want you to succeed. Much happiness, brother. Oh, thank you. What are you gonna do with your 500 bucks?

I already bought bonds with it. Are you just buying bonds like crazy? Yeah. All right. What are you going to do? Buy index funds now? I don't know. Well, I mean, there are like, yeah, all the way up already, so.

Maybe a little bit. Get a little bit of recursion. You're snapping all the time. Vito's stock tips. I don't know where it is. Well, I'm hoping all the AI stocks, man. Don't you believe in AI? No.

You really don't believe in AI? It's like we already have retards who cannot make sense, who can say retarded shit. Bro, I'm just throwing money at any AI company with an idea. Wow, do you have a computer that can say retarded shit that doesn't work? Oh, man. have a computer that can say retarded shit that doesn't work? Oh, man! How much is that? Slightly more than an actual retard that doesn't make sense? This is amazing. Did you see Shad's

new AI art, by the way? Yeah, bring it up. Yeah, we should bring that up. Let me find it. Shadiversity, the world-famous Shad M. Brooks, who hates us and loves Eric July. And loves his dad's cock apparently And is forever embarrassed That his brother is a true artist

Unlike him Recently showed the world His latest AI creation Elaborating on the Hundreds of hours he put into This retarded picture of his wife As an anime chick With a giant stupid

sword. Oh, he hasn't blocked you on Twitter? Congratulations. He fucking hates me. Everyone thinks like muting is better. Can we read this? Do we want to read this? Yeah, go ahead. Here's Shad talking about, first of all, we'll take a look at the picture there. As you can see,

wow. Incredible. The gigantic sword. Yeah. And and also the way her head's tilted i'm like i feel like she looks like she's gonna fall over but after it's also like no one ever fucking does this like it's just such an unnatural pose the angles off well why is her skirt flipping up because he's a fucking pervert everyone is so fucked the way he talks about women Is like genuinely insane He says I like this character so much I want to do another image with her design This is a good demonstration of what artistic

Intent applied to AI insisted art Because I had it clear in my mind Before I started I knew exactly what I wanted So he's basically bragging about his ability To think of an image Which every human being on earth can do. We can all think of like,

Hey, what if Superman was like punching through a wall? We can all envision that. Except for you, 5% of people can't envision things in your heads. So I guided generations from text to image. I wanted her holding the giant sword over her shoulder while blowing a kiss with her other hand.

Almost like she's teasing us because of how easy she's holding the massive sword. Dude, you have massive problems with your sexuality. Dude, here's the fucking, he always talks about the female form. I think he's trans, by the way. Shad is secretly trans. The way he talks about women's bodies is the way

that, like. I can't say the F slur. Everybody else fucking can, apparently. I'm the last guy on earth that can't say the F slur. Sh else fucking can, apparently. I'm the last guy on earth that can't say the F slur. Shad is like, the way he admires the female form and obsesses over it, I go, you're secretly trans. Bro, you have autogynephilia. You absolutely do. It was invented for you. You are fucked.

You can't not identify as having that, by the way. That's just like a thing they stuck onto it because they forgot. that, by the way. That's just like a thing they stuck onto it. Because they forgot. It was like the medieval times where, oh god, we forgot all these dysphorias that we're having. So we're just going to call it trans. No, we had a thing for that.

He says, I wanted her to have a curved back, as we can see in the image, to push out her hips. Like she's getting fucked, bro. And emphasize the feminine form. Okay, here's how a man... This is my dad, a giant sword and this is me shoving my ass out like I'm getting fucked.

Like a normal person would say I wanted a hot chick with a big ass. With a big sword and it's like kind of cool because she's a tiny lady. No one would want this though. No like normal guy would want this. Anyway, he makes a lot of noise about how hard it was to get the puckering of the lips

because his AI program. Again, he put in a ton of work to make this happen. Yeah. Dick. What a fucking weirdo. How do we get to my Twitter? Because I was very inspired by this. I wanted to see how many hundreds of hours it would take me to replicate this.

Let me see if I can find that. Now, Shad, it took him 100 hours. Oh, wow. Oh, that's amazing. I went into Bing, and I just kind of said, It's better. Lady with blonde hair, fantasy illustration, blowing a kiss with her left hand, and holding a giant sword.

And I want to say, I think it's just about as good, I want to say, as his beautiful labor of love. I mean, you know. Why are all of his, like, whole body things? Yeah, that's true. He can't, I don't think he can envision a figure from, like, the torso up. He has to do their whole body in the frame every time it's really weird and they end up in really awkward weird poses yeah and also he's trans

secretly which is why he's upset man has he ever said here's a cool sword guy no it's always pictures of women with like like, impossibly tiny bodies that he wants. And they're cont- Yeah, you're right. You're right. I th- I- Like, Shad-

The way Shad talks about the female form is not a guy being like, hey, aren't chicks hot? It's a guy being like, man, wouldn't it be cool if I was, like, a tiny little anime chick, you know? Look, I have the power. I'm slicing this dinosaur in half. All right. Yeah, what if I was, you know, had a big sword, and then, like, also, like, a bunch of other warriors were, like, so happy about how good I was, you know, had a big sword and then like also like a bunch of other warriors were like so

happy about how good I was at killing dragons that they all came in and raped my ass for ten hours straight. Yeah, that's cool. Hold on, can we talk about that last part? Yeah. I think he's already moved on to something else, so what are you gonna do? I really hate that guy. Yeah, he's

fucking nuts. He's the perfect example of a guy who has limited talent. None. I mean, I don't know if making stupid fantasy swords and talking about them, I don't even think he makes them. Just talking about swords. That's what he does on YouTube? He makes swords?

Yes. Well, no, he buys swords. He buys swords. He makes videos about why nunchucks aren't actually as bad as you think, you know? Or, like, why the polearm would have been an effective siege weapon. You know, he's like one of these nerds who read a bunch of books about fantasy weaponry and took it way too seriously. But then thinks that makes him a great thinker and artist. And it's like, no, you're just a retard who autistically obsessed over fantasy weapons and the

women's clothing that you wanted to wear. Those are the two things you're interested in. Which is cool, but alright, man. It's all fascinating. Anyway, good, Chad. Keep it up. You're a true artist. James Gardner

for 20. Kicked, kept, dicked, and SK'd. Kicked or we keep'd. James Gardner for 20. Kicked, kept, dicked, and SK'd. We kicked or we keeped. James Gardner for another 20. Decisions for Vito. Maybe it's a bunch of bunnies. What, in the toy chest? Thank you, James Gardner.

Euthanasia enthusiasts. Sorry for 7 Canadian. Eric July got his shoulders clipped. People are speculating Eric may have shaved his shoulders. He did. He trimmed them. I don't know if they're completely shaven. Petty for 10.

Biggest problem is... Like clippers. The biggest problem is leap years, and that Black History Month is an extra day longer. No, that's a solution. We're going to learn so much this month. Petty for five. Vito, why haven't you blocked Lofty yet? Hashtag block Lofty. It's like a prison

I'm getting real close It's like the Christmas episode Of Of Black Mirror With Black History Month now It's like I dread it

Cause I'm like Stop Signaling to me That you don't respect it I can't read another I can't read this joke again But it's like You know

Over and over And over Why don't we do like Every four years Black History Month Cause then maybe I can't read this joke again, but it's like, you know, over and over and over. Why don't we do like every four years Black History Month? Because then maybe there'll be like a new batch of kids. I don't care about the, I think it's fine. You want Black History Month? Fine. But I can't take the jokes about Black History Month every year.

Yeah. Like, it's like, it's becoming like, like corporations are like, oh, it's gay month? Hey, we're all gay. Black History Month racists are like, oh yeah, we're all racist. Black history month, racists are like, hey, yeah, we're all racist. I'm like, I fucking get it, man. I fucking got it. You could be racist on any other month. Just fucking stop, please.

Instead of black history month, could it just be like black cool stuff month? Like cool stuff black guys are doing right now month? The thing about history is it doesn't really change. It's not like we're finding new black history. It's not like every once in a while... That's part of the problem. Yeah, we go digging in Africa and we go, oh, Wakanda was actually real. Can you believe it?

It's like, no, we know pretty much everything about Africa. Yeah. All right? A thousand years ago, they were living in huts. 900 years ago, they were living in huts. 800 years ago, they were living in huts. There's not a lot there, you know? I don't think they had huts.

That was even more racist than the one I was saying. It's not racist. I thought I was making a racist joke. I just don't think that. I don't even think they had huts, Vito. Jesus Christ. Petty asks why I haven't blocked Lofty. Man, I'm... Block him. Everybody block Lofty. Block Lofty.

He sucks. He's a traitor. He's a yellow flash, so he is a traitor. Yeah, Lofty supports not paying artists. Lofty. Block Lofty. He sucks. He's going on Yellow Flash, so he is a traitor. Yeah, Lofty supports not paying artists. Lofty's a bad fucking guy. Block him. He supports Yellow Flash, who is a loser. Dominic for two. Why are there so many super chats?

The show isn't on. Fuck you, Dominic. Dominic for two. The term lady boner is the biggest problem. God, that is an annoying term. That's a good one. That is a good one. Manny Muskets for two.

Tell Tony to release the Snyder Cut. He would have it. Jose Rayoizo for ten. Dick, can you look at the camera and tell my wife Carly to put the ice cream down? Carly, put the ice cream down. Holy shit, Carly. Put the ice

cream down. What are you doing? Come on, you've had enough. You've had enough. Pick it up. Pick the ice cream up. Put it down. Sm Come on. You've had enough. You've had enough. Take a, pick it up, put the, pick the ice cream up, put it down,

smell your fingers, don't lick them, wash them off, wash them off again because I know you're hiding the taste of it. Just put the ice cream down. One scoop's enough. No, no, no.

What are you doing? No scoops. No scoops. No scoops. Well, she already has the ice cream. I assume some of it should last a woman her whole life.

You get a tub of ice cream. When you're born, if you're a girl, they give you one pint of ice cream. No, no, no. When you get married. When you get married. Here's your pint of ice cream. Put it in the freezer. Like the wedding cake in the dress.

Right. You take it out. Look at it. Can I buy another one? No. No, no, no. It's illegal. It's not for you.

That's illegal. Dog Fred of Five for Five. I'm out for Mr. Mashin' Debrut Rethylizer. What's of Five for Five, I'm out for Mr. Mashin' to breathalyzer. What's the point? He's just going to blow. I don't have a breathalyzer. How would you not have a breathalyzer? Why would I want a breathalyzer?

I know how drunk I am. I know. Very. Maybe at parties. I don't know. I don't like that trick. Yolanda Finkelstein for two says test. Thank you.

It worked. No, no, no. It didn't work. It didn't work. Sorry. Do another test to see if it does jay thompson 13 27 for two talk about the comically evil vince mcmahon abuse man i'm so behind on that uh shit on some woman's head oh like the saska sisters yeah cool you should write ice you're so

happy about them i'm so happy that uh the Saska sisters are a bunch of psychopath lesbian weirdos. Incest lesbian. Incest lesbian weirdos with the pee-pee and the poo-poo. And Eric has to go, well, actually, I think that's very based and very conservative. He had to have fucked them, man. There's no way he didn't fuck them. Did you watch his apology video? No, no. He goes. You going to watch it? Fired up. Sure, we can. man there's no way he didn't fuck that did you watch his apology video no no he uh he goes you

gonna watch it fired up sure we can yeah it's not i don't think it's a long one why don't you have the keyboard it would probably make more sense for you to fire it up uh what do you apologize for he apologized to his fans and his employees for all the drama he's created By being incompetent? It was kind of hard to parse. I'll say that the part that stood out to me. Was it jibba jabba? It was a little bit of jibba jabba, wasn't it? The part that stood out to me was him trying to lose.

No, hold on. I'll find it. It was trying to insinuate that the Soskas have changed and that we do not understand. I thought you leave politics at the door, though. Why does it matter if they change? No, no, no. They've changed, and he says he's had many discussions with them about our Lord Jesus Christ. I go, that's not true.

Are you fucking serious? That's basically what he says. Okay, okay, okay. He doesn't say Jesus, but he says he's been talking to them about God, and I'm like, I don't believe you. What do you know about God? I think you're lying. The white man that gave him a free full-ride scholarship to Texas A&M. So he now has to... I got it.

You know, friends that care about me have given me some very... Stop fucking pressing shit! Who is this fucking guy? He got Fetterman'd here. He got a little fit. No, look at his... His sideburns are gone. His beard is now a Brillo pad. He's stress-eating. All here. He got a little fit. No, look at his sideburns are gone. His beard is now a Brillo pad.

He's stress eating. All of this is too much for him. Now all of a sudden you're defensive of him. No, I don't know. I really don't know what happened because he looks way bigger in this video than any video I've ever seen of him. It's really weird. But look at his hair. Where'd it go?

Is that why he looks different? It looks like he got stung by a bee. His cheeks are like... In the cock by the Saska sisters. Anyway. They went bzzz. Is that why he looks different? It looks like he got stung by a bee. His cheeks are like... In the cock by the Saska sisters. Anyway. They went bzzz. The fact that his cope is not, hey, I hired a bunch of satanic lesbians, but I've been

talking to them about God. I'm like, why is anyone buying this Dodge? There's no way. How does anyone buy that? Needed constructive advice recently. I've had some heart-to-heart private conversations. And, for example, one of my bros in Jeremy from G&G, you know, he had to hear from me a lot about that whole Zack Snyder situation when we spoke privately. And he took it.

Stop bothering your friends, Eric, you fucking pussy. He reciprocates, man. And knowing that there are some things that I should improve on, he recently let me hear it, and it was perspective that I needed, and it was also echoed by other people. It's been difficult sort of a day. What the fuck was that? What's Jeremy from G&G?

Geeks and gamers. So he's taking advice from the stupidest people he hangs out with. People who have never, Eric, those people have never made anything. Don't take their advice. Why is he showing his ass to Jeremy from Geeks and Gamers? No, he's saying. That was very supplicant, like pathetic. Well, no, he's saying he took advice from him.

But he's saying it. That's like, he's just broadcasting that he's the submissive. We don't even know that this happened, right? Yeah. There's no reason that this should be told to anybody. Well, this is him apologizing, saying, I got good advice from Jeremy. So he's saying whatever I'm about to say is that, hey, everybody, so you know that guy, Jeremy from Geeks and Gamers, what I'm about to say is co-signed by him.

Yeah. And also, he gave me the idea to lie to you guys and claim that the saskas are women of god which is clearly not true adjusting to this new reality i went from being the streamer that was very interactive with even my haters to now the owner of a multi-million dollar business and And though I've gotten better, I've not completely shook off those old habits. Dude, how does anybody not just fucking hate this guy? Look at the way he talks. Echoed by other people. It's been difficult sort of adjusting to this new reality. I went from being the streamer that was very interactive with even my haters to now the owner of a multi-million dollar business. And though I've gotten better, I've not completely shook off those old habits.

Oh, that's part of learning to move differently. And I have to learn to accept that this is a new chapter. That's why I've been saying I'm moving differently in 2024. The growth of the Riververse changed everything, including my own life. The one thing I admittedly do not like are people going after my employees and friends. We're not going after friends. I made some people feel some kind of way, and unfortunately, this means that people will be caught in the crossfire. I have no problem making myself vulnerable with this. But as an example, the Saska sisters have been nothing but awesome to myself, this company, bro, bro.

They took pictures of little boys from what they call a rape van while they were on there. Stop fucking defending them! I'm not. I'm saying it's not. You are! You're fucking defending them preemptively! They took pictures of little boys from what they call the rape van while they're on the marketing circuit for a twin incest piss film.

I was going to agree with you. I agree. It's a- Don't- You compulsively defend women. I'm not defending them. I was going to say it's not a good look was my agreement with you. You thought I was going to say it's not that bad.

It is that bad. It's not a good look for them. That's what I was trying to say. I'm sorry. Other twins from a set van and tweeting about it. Oh, my God. He fucking talks about it. I know. That's what I'm saying. He's Oh my God, he fucking talks about it? I know, that's what I'm saying.

He's crazy. Why does he even talk about it? He should not talk about it. You're out of your shit. Take great exception to the recent attacks against them, and they're being penalized for a decade old- No, they're not being penalized. They're raping you.

They're taking your money. For those who don't know, because not everyone is following this the saska sisters in i believe 2011 were driving around in a van promoting their horror piss satan film incest regurgitated sacrifice where they fuck each other in this pp and there's poopoo yeah and they saw two little kids and they took a picture of them two little boys because they're twins and they saw twins and like oh twins look twins and they said we took this picture of them. Two little boys. Because they're twins and they saw twins and like, oh, twins, look, twins. And they said, we took this picture from our rape van. And you're like, first of all, it's not good to take pictures of children. Don't take pictures of other people's kids.

Even if they're twins and you see them out the window, just, you know. Definitely don't post them online. You could ask the parents, hey, is it okay if I take a picture? And I think if you told the parents, and I'm going to say I took this picture from my rape van, I think the parents would be upset and say no, so don't say that. Never do what they did. It's so inappropriate. Not to try and

redeem myself, but of all the things I've done and said, I have never taken pictures of children without their consent. You've never involved real children ever. I don't think I've ever taken any pictures of children to begin consent. You've never involved real children ever. I don't think I've ever taken any pictures of children to begin with. So Yellow Flash and Tug, the umbrella guy that pretends to be a child therapist, even though he's not.

Like, I watched that video when we both went on the show and confronted these assholes. Right. They're all defending this. They're like, yeah, it's cool to take pictures of kids. The umbrella guy, who's probably, I mean, I don't know anything about him. Maybe he's a pedophile, maybe he's not. He even says, when you come on, he goes, I'll have to deal with this shit all day. Like, pretending that he's some kind of fucking expert child therapist, when he's nothing.

When he's a fat fucking retard who watches Naruto videos and gets mad about, I don't know, what Doctor Who is doing. videos and gets mad about, I don't know, what Doctor Who is doing. So now we got girls who are actually taking pictures of kids, which I don't think that makes them pedophiles, but you definitely never take pictures of kids. It's very inappropriate. Anyway, for those of you who are not paying attention to the online war, it has now turned into Eric July's people going, Eric July hired pedophiles. That's what happened. And they're all defending pedophiles.

Their defense is, well, Vito's worse than the Soska sisters. I'm like, so you're saying the Soska sisters are bad. That's what happened. And they're all defending pedophiles. Their defense is, well, Vito's worse than the Soska sisters. I'm like, so you're saying the Soska sisters are bad. Yeah. I saw that too. Yeah, but Vito said this. I'm like, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on. So you're saying it's bad that the Soska sisters took pictures of kids

and also did a bunch of things that are against your conservative values, like dressing up like satanic ladies and peeing on each other. That's all bad. Yeah. But it's okay. Vito's right. Because Vito exists?

I feel like that's a cope. What if I went away? Would then they be the focal point of your ire? Like, just because I'm here and you hate me more? What are the odds? Chad, what are the odds that Eric July got his dick sucked by both the Saska sisters before they got this job? Why else would he hire them to be the creative directors of his comic book company, put BBC for yes, and type I love to fuck children for no? Let's get a good vote.

I don't know about those. I think black men implicitly trust white women. I think they all watch to the blind side. Wait, we got to... Who will make more money? Look at this. Who will make more money? Super Killer 1.

52%. Hey, people keep buying Super Killer. We've been posting updates. Where's Noel's stupid thing? I don't know, man. His defamation lawsuit. He's going to sue everybody. He's going to sue every trans person in the world.

Honestly, I saw Noel put up that fucking fundraiser, and I said, oh, he's not going to spend that money on a lawyer. He better. He's charging for it. Let's hope. I'll say this. He'll probably try to get a lawyer. But I think he's going to get ripped the fuck off.

The lawyer's going to take the money and be like, oh, yeah, I don't know, we need another $50,000 to actually file this thing. Yeah. It's a fucking complete waste of money. What do you mean? What's a waste of money about defending your free rights to post revenge porn of underage kids? Or close to underage. Close to underage. Come on.

If you're a guy. This is freedom. You have the free right to post underage revenge porn of your enemies. What are you talking about? What happens? What is the benefit? I guess he's,

you know what? I'm not even going to comment on it. All of this is getting clipped. What are you talking about, man? This doesn't make any sense. Come on. All the cool people

are for it. Like Aiden Paladin and the EEF. It wasn't actually a, it wasn cool people are for it. Like Aiden Paladin and the EEF. It wasn't actually a very nice article, but they put it up like it's some kind of afterthought. How do you calculate the damage? That's going to be the problem, is you're going to have to prove damages. I was going to hire no. How do you damage the revenue?

I was going to give him $11 billion. $11 billion. $11 billion. Yeah, he lost out on an $11 gajillion contract. Because I thought he posted revenge porn. And then you stopped. Here it is. Who stopped doing business with Kiwi Farms? Well, I draw the line

there, folks. Defending Kiwi Farms. The teenage revenge porn was fine, but I can't sign off. Like, what are the possible damages to Kiwi Farms, a site that has the worst possible reputation? Oh, wait, did it fucking crash? What, the stream? Yeah.

OBS is no longer open. Oh, shit. No, it says it's already running. That's good. Well, cancel. Yeah. That's good. That means it didn't crash.

There it is. There it is. Okay, you got me really worried. That was fucking weird. Sorry, that's happening. Well, I don't want to crash the show. Defending the Kiwi Farms. Why does he say the?

Noel's the only one that says the Kiwi Farms. Yeah, I mean. Everyone else just calls it Kiwi Farms, but Noel's like defending the Kiwi Farms. A lot of people forget to put the hyphen in Spider-Man. Don't you think that makes it kind of weird, though? A lot of people forget to call him the Batman. He's the Batman. Bro, look.

$59.99. What are you at? $81.600 or something. Bro, look. $59.99. What are you at? $81.600 or something. Oh, let me see. What is it? Superkiller.org. Yes. Just click that big graphic. You can click anywhere. Oops, I missed it. It's all the same. Ooh!

It went up a little bit. It's not a race. Alright. How is it a race? It doesn't even make sense. It's not a race. All right. How is it a race? It doesn't even make sense. It's two different things. It's not. It's not two different things.

You make a good point. This is two of the same thing. Here's Vito. It is just a plot. 81,000. At least remind you you get something. What are you talking about?

With Null, if you buy into Null's comic, you get... You get the satisfaction of knowing... That you defended... Teenage revenge porn. You defended to have revenge porn. No.

It's not... He's got great moderators. Hitler. Yeah. Hitler 1488. I love... I'm a pedophile. Chris Chan's raped mom.

Chris Chan's raped mom mom These guys are very reliable There's no way they would let anything We gotta protect those people We gotta protect these guys man What would happen If Epic is allowed to call Null You wouldn't be able to document my blog From when I was 16

And try to claim I was a pedophile At age 16 If Null's driven off the internet Nulliporn was funny Basically it's all over Mortgage rates are going to be through the roof Yeah we're really going to lose out We're really going to get fucked

How will you be able to hook up with all your retarded autistic friends and endlessly complain about people you'll never meet Besides Telegram and every other channel and any other board, right? Besides that? I feel bad for the Kiwi Farms kids. I know you do.

Well, because I like... Because you get it. Well, I get having this, like, shitty life that's going nowhere and going, well, maybe if I endlessly obsess over hating whatever. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Well, I just want to talk to him. What do you want to say? I want to say, yes, I did indeed lie on my resume

and say that I had a four-year college degree to get jobs, and I advise you guys to do the exact same thing I did rather than freak out about it on a message board. All right. You ready for this? Uh, context post one in particular is them, you know,

twin spotting other twins. What was that? I moved real quick. Okay. Go back, go back like five seconds. Did he like rehearse that? All of this is rehearsed.

I know, but like right here. Yeah. Watch his eyes out of context post one in particular is them, you know, twins. Out of context post. One in particular is them, you know, twins. Looks away, comes back. What is that?

One in particular is them, you know, twins. Spotting other twins from a set van and tweeting about it. Of course, with horror, there's going to be some things that people find. What set were they on, Eric? What film was that? What did the tweets say? What did the tweets say? They saw some twins.

Was it a rape goer fest? Just say what it was. What kind of van were they in? They said it was a rape van. How would they describe the van that they were in? Don't take pictures of people's kids, Eric. Why don't you say that? You should do it.

Eric, you should go out. Eric, go out in the river first van and take a bunch of pictures of kids and we'll see how well it goes for you. Fine, repugnant. And I don't need to defend anything, justify anything that I had nothing to do with. You kind of do.

Is he wearing a bronzer? I don't know. I've never seen a black guy this color before. Stick a bunch of cotton balls up his cheeks? Why are they puffed out? Inappropriate, raunchy, and degenerate, but I don't have to disavow something that I had nothing to do with. But some are taking these films that they've acted in very early on in their careers

and they're treating it as if they were real. Everybody that has worked with them from Dean... Eric, they pissed in each other's mouths. What are you talking about? Hold on, hold on. I don't want to get a... Allegedly there's piss and we don't know who pissed on who. I don't know if they pissed on each other. Okay. But piss was involved

is what I've been told. They did make out with each other. That's cool. They're just... I mean... They're fucking nuts. They're completely... Eric, this wouldn't be a problem but the the reason he keeps going, well, it has nothing to do with me. It does though, because you have continually made yourself. You hired them to run your entire company.

After we have multiple tweets of you going, never hire these degenerate leftist sickos. They'll destroy my company. But there's now an asterisk next to that that going although some of them are kind of cool and will run your company just fine yeah what do you mean like which which one is it okay to glenn jacobs they always have nothing but good things to say about them and they've grown so much as individuals i've had those conversations with jen about reconnecting with God. Those conversations have been amazing. Truly, that's who she answers to. Not me or you.

That's who she answers to. You all know how young and dumb I am. She answers to God, Dick. This is a woman who three years ago, I believe it was. She sucked his cock. Both of them sucked his cock. 100%. Both Saska sisters sucked Eric July's cock. 100%.

You saw their comic, which is a bunch of nuns running around cutting people's dicks off. Yeah. But she reconnected with God. You know. Okay, whatever. You had a lot of conversations with her about it. I mean, just the fact that he hired women is a problem. Well.

Like. Yeah, there's an argument to be made. Not really. Ethan, that's one of the Ethan VanSkyver's big points. He's like, well, if you're making entertainment for men, and you're going to have trouble, if you want to make lady comics, you can hire ladies, but I don't think Eric's making comics.

Well, Eric will say, there's something for everyone in the Ripiverse, whether you want old, washed-up DC comics talent making weird racist books about how we should obey the cops or if you want a bunch of leftist psychopath sisters to make comics about taking pictures of children without their awareness or consent

we have it all at the Ripaverse I was so I take exception again to people operating as if repentance forgiveness and growth aren't a thing. Social media- What do we have to forgive them for, Eric? Tell me.

Nah, let him talk. Your mob's trying to claim that they're the satanic feminist SJWs trying to infiltrate is insane. I'll give you another example. They are now against this trans stuff that's being pushed onto these minors, and you can see that maturation yourselves in those conversations that we've had about stuff on our streams. After all, I did learn about them writing Marvel's Black Widow, a story in which Nat takes it to traffickers

and pedophiles, which is far more recent a thing to judge them by. It sucks that people are attacking them due to these social political views that they also no longer even have. That's a lie. He's lying. So they said, like, trans and kids is like child abuse?

He's trying to say that, yeah, he's trying to say, oh, I've had discussions with them and all this stuff they said about, you know, we want all the kids to be trans. That was all. They have a picture of them and Justin Trudeau I'm like this just keeps getting worse This video is too long We don't want to watch the whole thing But the point is that He just lies to everybody all the time

And I don't know why Just be honest Just say look I hired them They're freaks They're leftist weirdos But honestly they wrote a great comic book and I think they have what it takes. That's it. Don't say I talked to them about God, because I know that's not true.

And if anything, you might have went to them at one point, and you've been, do you have a moment to talk about the Lord Jesus Christ? And they might have entertained you to get the job. Well, they're blowing you. Sure. Call Eric. Why not? Call Eric.

Because all these guys are... If you want a fucking blowjob from some twins, even though we look like this, but you'll still do it, right? So at the end of the day, the answer to those who claim that the Soska sisters are at odds with everything Eric's anti-woke comic company set out to do is,

I talked to them about God, and I don't even think they like trans kids anymore that's there you go okay cool they're not sjws because eric said they had to talk about god one time i hope it was a good conversation and uh we're gonna read more super chats as soon as I find where the fuck we are. There we go. Dick needs a pirate costume. I do. I do. For 50 Australian dollars.

Yes. Okay, explain why you're a pirate for the bit. What do you mean? Why is it a pirate bit? Because it comes out of a booty. Treasure box. Okay, but the original joke was that it was like the treasure box at the dentist's office. Yeah, I got that.

So you should be wearing a dentist's coat. No, I'm a pirate, but I have the treasure box. What are you talking about? The bit was on. Why would I be a dentist that has treasure to smash? You're the doctor. It's Vito, the fat kid, is going to the doctor's office and has to weigh in at the doctor. You need to get checkup.

You're getting your teeth fixed. And as a reward for going to the doctor, you have the toy chest, but you're also an insane doctor. You smash children's toys. I'm a dentist pirate. Obviously. I think that you remembered the fun toy chest and then made it into a pirate thing. It's now a pirate's bitch. Sorry.

So what's my role? Your role is to get on the scale. Okay. Have I been kidnapped by this pirate? Let me think about it for a minute. All right? Where did that guy go? I was going to bring in poorly thought out bits, but then I just realized we would argue way too much.

That would be better than stats. Okay. out bits, but then I just realized we would argue way too much about it. That would be better than stats. Stats are... It's just like 3,000 people are this and a cop is this. I wanted to give you the chance to make the bit work before I bring in poorly thought out bits, but we'll see. JJ for five. Oh no, it's gonna work.

Oh, it's gonna work. It's gonna work a lot better than that shit that you brought in. JJ for five. I'm glad to hear people contributed to the weigh-in chest. Maybe someday Crimson could contribute. He just needs to get a job first. Yes. Ben Smurglia puts a dollar in the box.

Kaiju Turtle for $2.79 Canadian. Yo-ho, yo-ho, it's Funko Pops for me. Are there Funko Pops in there? No. Yes, you want it to be Funko Pops. Do you have a list of what's in there? All explanation. I just thought it in the head. Where this fucking guy going?

LJ Cabrino. I assume he's going to the bathroom. He's gonna hurry up. Cabrino for five. I forget the scale. How much to get Vito to do ten push-ups? How much to get Vito to do ten push-ups? It's not happening anytime soon. Doug Fred at five for ten. The terror of buffets across the seven seas.

Vito, Fatbeard, Giswaldi. So I'm also a pirate. Come, Guzzler. Am I also a pirate for this bit? Keep an eye on this. On the John for five Canadian. Yar, you best be believing in pirate bits. You're in one.

P-Tong for five. Friday Night Grift. Let's go. Tuesdays, guys, I have been streaming on YouTube.com slash Vito, we do kind of a Little interim show And if you like the Eric July drama, come by my channel Every Tuesday Koo for two, are you ready, kids?

Sam for five, Vito, I'm gonna send some Garth Enis Punisher comics Please don't let them burn Alright, I mean, I have no promises Guys, you gotta remember This is the problem is I'm like, I don't want anything to get burned. I would feel bad. Black Angus reviews for two.

I was really hoping Dick's opener wasn't Pirate. What are you going to do? Ben Smarglia for two. I want Vito's booty. Lane Steele for five. Hey, Vito, if you're looking for a healthy snack, I suggest Red Delicious apples. They're not mealy, you know. I know.

I know all about the Red Delicious. Noel Harding for five. Goes on Kick or Keep to debate Altskin Eric July. Can't get away from this guy. I don't know if that guy was an Eric July. He was a very unique individual. Butz Gwendolyn Grenois for five. Vito, you are well-adjusted and in great shape.

What, who? The guy on Kick or Keep. Would you compare him to an Eric Geline-type character? That guy? What was his name? I keep forgetting it. He's a February American. February American. Dominic. Fossil, right? Yeah, Fossil. Yeah. Great guy.

Dominic for two. Don't lie to him. Fuck you. Javcity for two. Australian. How long before Vito Shills his comic Slash stream Slash YouTube Shut up Koof for two

Nice shirt Vito what's it from It's not actually from anything It's just It's random Wait wait I have to put on some background music Hold on

Pirate This is fucking Background Music Royalty free Hold on! Fuck! I'm not like two seconds into this.

You can type while I talk. You're already fucking creating your first video. You just started the music. You made an ad show up with your negativity. Get high quality music and sound effects for it. Skip. Okay, now go back to reading the stuff. This isn't good pirate music.

Hold on. It's like Little Nightmares. Yes! Okay. There. Yes. Okay. There. Now. Go. Go.

Read the fucking Super Chats. Okay. George McSteer. Is this necessary, really? It's what necessary? What are you talking about? Is this really like You need all this

Yes It's what they're paying for Okay George McSteel for ten Tell Crimson to get a job You know the part Get a job Crimson I've sailed all seven seas

Never seen Scallywag quite as lazy as you. John Doe for five. Says, get a job, Crimsel. Claptrap to Destroyer for five. Richard as the Flying Dutchman is a great bit. Yes, the Flying Dutchman. LJ Cabrino for five. New idea for a bit.

Get a cutout of Superkiller's face as he asks his dad why isn't he made yet. Fuck you. Coup for five. New idea for a bit. Get a cutout of Super Killer's face as he asks his dad why isn't he made yet. Fuck you. Koo for five. Why did it cost so much for me shipping? Here, look at this. What do you think about this? What is this? Arr.

Arr, Vito. Are you ready to go to the dentist's office? What is this? It's a fucking comedy bit. Why are we playing pirate music? This is... Put the pirate music back on. We don't.

Don't stop the fucking pirate music. Okay, I'll put the... Put it back on. Put it back on. Put it back on. I did put it back on. Let me see how good I look. Put it over on that one.

Okay. Arr, Vito. Ohohohohohohoho! It looks great! What are you talking about? I'm not saying you don't- What are you talking about? What are we doing? Ah, fuck. Arr, I caught me.

I caught me. Well, Dick figures out his elaborate- Well, because I fucking put it together! Just fucking do it! Okay, whatever. I put it together without putting on me headphones. Okay, great. And now I'm going to put on me headphones. I don't care anymore. It doesn't fucking together. Just fucking do it. I put it together without putting on me headphones. And now I'm going to put on me headphones. I don't care anymore. It doesn't fucking work. I don't care.

Okay, coup for five. I work in electrical engineering for Buildings of California. The green building and energy codes don't help anybody. Right. Veto voted for them. Title 24. Veto, who wanted to do a college tour. I hate this.

Liberals versus Republicans. James Howitt for $7.99 Australian. Pretty new to the show. Finding the dunking on Eric July shit. Funny as fuck. Keep it coming, boys. He got his cock sucked by two blonde white twins. And he loves it.

Look at the fucking... I saw the bird. Look at that bird. Do you know what the bird's name is? Am I really indulging this? What's the name of the bird? You're a pedophile. Okay. Say his

say his name. I'm not saying his name. I'm not saying any of this. Righty tighty 91 for 2. It's time for the game show that's sweeping the nation at the end of the superchats. Keep reading. Thanks for the show, guys.

But go and stop giving Super Chats. If you stop giving, I'll know and I won't do the bit. I won't do the bit if there's not enough from this point. We're not going to get through the fucking Super Chats if you've got to interrupt all of them with pirate banter. Crimson for five. Hey, look it, I got this. Why do you have more props?

How many fucking props do you have for this stupid bit? All right? You could have done an eye patch and it would have been enough. You don't need the hat and the jacket and the scepter and the fucking treasure chest. It's just me being fat. That's the only thing about the bit that anyone cares about. This is not necessary. No, you've gotta get on the- Guess what I also got. What else? I'll show it to you later. Alright, show it later.

Save more of your fucking pirate secrets. Hey, you better hope you're in a pirate bitch. Stop encouraging this, all of you. See, you are a fucking theater kid. The second you get a chance to dress up in a gay costume and do a character... What about this is a dinner gift to you? I don't want

to do live shows. I don't want to parade around on a stage. But I'll dress up as a fucking pirate. I don't want to sit down in my seat. Yeah, alright. Crimson for five. Guys, I haven't found a job, but I don't want to parade around on a stage, but I'll dress up as a fucking pirate. I don't want to sit down in my seat. Yeah, alright. Crimson for five. Guys, I haven't found a job, but I did manage to make $10 posing for a lewd photo. This is half. It's over for me. Can you look up pirates, like, puns and stuff

to call people? This is your job. Look it up on your phone. Well, because I was gonna do that, but I... I know you did. Look up chat GPT. Have chat GPT generate some pirate puns for you. Sizzle G for five. Biggest problem is women putting their dirty flip-flop feet on the dash of your new

vehicle. I don't care how hot they are. Feet off the dash. Get your... You know what? Stop short and give her... Get the scare of Davy Jones. Lock her into her... Why don't you come up with some... Get her... Shoot her ass down so she bends and have, like, uh... Do pirates have pretzels?

Did they know about that back then? You should have spent more time thinking this character through. Hey, why don't you go fuck yourself? Vito! You put all the effort into the costume. You don't put the effort into the dialogue. Okay, swindle for five. Dead men tell no tales.

Now me parrot keeps saying n-word lips Yeah, we're gonna poison that parrot Mr. Abstruse for ten Sorry, Crimson's still unemployed You two need to give him an impromptu speech to motivate him Or maybe just tell him he's a moron You can find one in five seconds Crimson, you queer swoggle

There you go Is that a pirate-y? Did they give you queer swoggle out of ChatGPT? Yeah, yes. Give me some common pirate insults. Yeah, queer swoggle. I went to G Piratey. Yeah.

Okay. Rex Sexton for five. I found my local far-right state rep's fet life, and his old lady is a hot wife. If you don't give me that throat, I'm going to be his biggest problem election day. Jesus Christ. What? What was that? Basically, he found one of his local politicians

on a fetish dating site. Oh. And apparently the man is a cuckold, meaning his wife is a hot wife. Duh. Which is having sex with other men. That's cool. For the sake of the cuckold's enjoyment.

Would you ever do that in either way, Vito? Would I bowl? Fuck a man's wife. I don't want to watch a guy fuck a man. Or watch a man fuck your wife. Nah, I don't want that. What about a man smash your toys? Would you watch that? Nah, I don't want to watch that. You're gonna watch that in a little bit, Vito. Okay, great.

Don't smash. Alright, pork hunt for five. Dick, was the registry alert on your phone for Biggins from EVS's Trashcast? I don't know, but that guy seemed like a real fucking creep He was talking about how it's sick He was talking about how it's totally normal in the old days For people to marry teenagers Like, alright man, that's cool, but

Why are you bringing that up in our comic book discussion chat? Probably in the old days they were talking about marrying fucking kids So, that's weird. Joe, cool for 10. Leave it to Vito to hit a double whammy with a food and movie problem.

Good point. Pop Tarts movie. Vito, you gotta be fair with these product movies. I'm sure. Oh, you said it.

You fucking said it. You fucking said it, you scallywag. As far as I added it. You penis winkle. I added it to his thing, because he didn't even type it. He said Vito be fair, and you said

Vito, you gotta be fair. You said you got to be fair. Yeah, I know. I added to his statement to make it work for him by accident, because I'm an idiot. What did you say? No, I did say it. I said, Vito, you've got TBF. You did get it. Yeah, I screwed up, doubly, because he didn't even get it. Yeah, I screwed up. Doubly.

Because he didn't even do it right, and I still gave it to him. Because I'm an idiot. I'm sure if there was a Magic the Gathering or Pop Funko movie, you'd love it. No, actually, they keep trying to make up a Magic the Gathering movie, and I know it's going to suck if they do that. Crazy Cat for F- Are people enjoying the pirate music? Is this enjoyable?

It doesn't matter to a pirate what people are enjoying. Only that- Actually, I wish it was a little bit more jaunty. Is it the right volume? No, it's like Michael Bay fucking pirate. Hold on. Is that better? Uh, no.

Just turn it off. Just turn it off and I'll sit here until it's time for my bitch. Why don't you save the pirate music? Just fucking relax, would you? Okay. Well, people are enjoying it for some reason. Crazy Cat for Five says, Sorry that it's not statistics that you could read off a piece of paper.

Well, maybe if you had some pirate facts, I would enjoy this bit better. The Professional, of course, starring Leon, which was a movie about a grown man and his questionable relationship with a little girl. Questionable? I've never seen The Professional. Oh, you'd come buckets. I'm sure I would. Blashing it because it's about an old man and a little girl. Iable. I've never seen The Professional. Oh, you'd come buckets. I'm sure I would. Blashing it because

it's about an old man and a little girl. I know what it's about. He's not fucking her. That would be the best for you. Okay. That I didn't fuck her. You'd be like,

everyone, I had a relationship with a little girl and I didn't fuck her. There you go. Isn't that great of me? The Ragman for $2.03 says,

cool for two. Thank you. Jim Satala for a big $20. Jim, who recently backed my comic book super killer. Thank you, Jim. Says, it's kind of kismet that Vito brought up DC with the cops, considering the cop who killed Ashley Babbitt was suspended multiple times for misconduct prior to him murdering that Air Force veteran.

That's an interesting tidbit. That is interesting. Not as interesting as what's in this box. Well, I'm very good. Vito's booty box. I'm very excited. I took from Vito. You took my booty.

I took your booty. Okay. That's why it's labeled Vito's booty. Okay. It makes sense. If you don't have to think about it, it makes sense. It's your booty that belongs to you. You're a pirate who stole treasure from me.

Yes. And I'm trying to retrieve my treasure. Yes. See? It makes sense right away. So it's not your treasure. It's my treasure. Well, I have it, and I've called it Vito's booty out of disrespect.

Okay. Right? Like, if you get a pirate treasure, you get, oh, that's Long John Silver's treasure. It's not like, oh, that's an anonymous treasure that we never get. Dick's treatment was 100% logical and thought out. What's fucking funnier?

This or what you're doing? What I'm doing is funnier than what you're doing. It was a perfect through line and the logic was all there. Yeah, it was. Coup for two. Newsom's taking my guns. The Italian F slur. Deal there. Yeah, it was. Coup for two. Newsom's taking my guns. The Italian F slur. Deal with it. Agnostic Uzumaki for two.

Vito be like, om nom nom, food yummy burp. Very good. Very good. I'll take Cabrino for two. What will it take for Vito to become a feeder streamer? No. Pigeon for five. What would it take?

Laughing my ass off at confirmation bias. Vote it up. Clipsama, who I do want to shout out, is doing a great job of clipping the show. Subscribe to Clipsama on YouTube if you want some great clips. And you know what? It's easier to be drunk with an eye patch. Maybe we should all be trying that, mateys. You only got to think about one eye.

They can't catch you being cross-eyed. Clipsama for two says, we love our cops, our law enforcement. Clip Summer for two says, we love our cops, our law enforcement. Ollie Smalley for two says, tube in an affair. Very close. Psycho Crusher 69 for 10. Hey, Dick, what will it get Vito on the scale faster? A box of pizza or a copy of cuties?

He will be judged either way by the scale of course. I guess we're going to see tonight, me lads. And me mateys. I want a copy of Cuties. What do you want, Vito? Did you see somebody keeps trying to send me pictures of the actress from Cuties who is now 19 years old, apparently. What's wrong with that? There's no way. It's fine.

Yeah, the movie is actually like five years old now. Does it make sense? Yeah, because it originally came out in France and then it didn't come out here until later. Yes. Yeah, and she's permanently scarred. Does she look attractive to you as she did when she was a little girl?

Yeah. What do you think about that? I'll leave that question for the courts. Spider Eternal for two. I watch the show to laugh, not get learned. Rice, your stats are boring and stupid. Here's an actual captain who you should have invited for this bit. Captain Boomies is here for 10.

Says smash the booty, yo-ho. Yes. You should talk to her about all sorts of nautical things. I've had enough trouble talking to women. Quite enough, thank you. Nuclear Jones for two says the show feels like a closed beta. Yeah, sometimes it does. Yum Limb, blah, blah, blah for ten.

What the fuck does that mean? This show feels like a closed beta. It means like it's a half-baked, unfinished product. I told you the problems were bad this week. Yeah, that's the problem. It's not the fact that a pirate showed up randomly. This is the best part of the show. Maybe next week I'll be a spaceman.

I would love to fucking see it. It would be great. When you were doing Trans Elvis. That was wonderful. What do you think is in this fucking box, Vito? Bunch of crap that people sent in to fuck with me. What do you want it? It's probably one of the box of Slim Fest diet shakes.

You know the guy. If there's a coupon for Weight Weight Watchers I'm ending the bit Cause that's Cause you're gonna lose weight Cause it's stupid You can't That's the best part of this bit You can't end the bit

I can't end the bit Cause everyone sent me So much good stuff I should just I should just forfeit the bit And we just burn something Every week That'd be fucking hilarious

This is your last thrashes Of trying to regain control I hate you people Ulim Jungle Jew for 10. What the fuck did I just say? Hey, Vito, the population of Singapore is 75% Chinese. Okay, I don't care.

They're just Asian people. Oh, you don't care about statistics that he's reading. It's boring. The CCP has political agents in every country in East Asia. It's not as simple as Durr, Singapore, whatever. TikTok's great. Who cares? I hope all the kids become communists. Rfran for two. Fans and Skrilla all over again. Vito needs thanks.

Doing it for the fans. Doing it for the Skrilla. Joe Ray for two. Last episode was better. Fuck you. Joe Cool for two. Do Biggest Problem and Biggest Problem Volume One bonus episode. Why don't we do a bonus episode of Have you gone through all of the Maddox documentary yet? No.

Well, whatever. Heather said. Will you do a bonus episode? You just quit halfway through your suggestion. Well, at one point we said, like I said, every chapter. How did you change from we to I? I. Every chapter you should have a different.

Are you still going through it? Do you want to come on my show and the bonus episode? Yeah, I could do that. All right, come on in. It's the N-word episode. Arr. Send Dick more gay costumes, why don't you? No, I brought this from home.

I made it from home for this bit. Heather Salvatore for two says Vito is my man. Euthanasia Enthusiast for seven says this is an awesome show, guys. Best one yet. Oh, thank you. Cross Purposes for five Canadians says what I keep saying. Dick, quit whining about every episode. Here's your money. No, I will. Doc Nick for

20. Thanks for inspiring me to lose weight, Vito. I couldn't bear being fatter than you. I went from 300 to 260. I guess I really shouldn't have worried about it, though. Thank you. David Gomez for five. Rich is starting to sound like my boomer coworkers with that cop problem. Yeah, yeah, Richard, I know. Go unalive

yourself. You've got to support the police. Shut up. Fucking idiot. David Gomez for two. Was that pirate software laughing in the background? Now we have a guest sitting in. Heather Salvatore for two. Vito, my man. Michael Winning for two. It seems 126 is the last episode.

It might be. Cross Purposes for two. Would you have Razor Fist on? He was on TDS before. Sure, yeah. Yeah, I'd have him on. I don't think he likes us. I don't think he likes me. Because he picked on Eric July.

Yeah, he's another Eric July dick sucker. Sam for two. If you don't want to let Dick burn the Spawn figures. Jesus Christ. That could be in here. There could be Spawn figures. How would Spawn figures fit in there? What do you mean?

Are there little like... Whatever. Fingers fit in there? What do you mean? Are there like little like, you know, whatever. What could be in here? Anything. Great. You know, it's a treasure. It's a booty of wonder. I don't want to encourage you because you're having- What the hell are you talking about?

I think it's a little late for that. You couldn't have saved this for like, you had- Whatever. Save what? Chuck E. Cheese for some amount of foreign money. This was basically your doing by the way. Nickel, nickel, nickel, nickel. Okay. Bits beam for five. Nice job on kick or keep. Y'all killed it. The show

has not fallen off. Tonight's show had me rolling. All it needs is a veto weigh in. Get on the scale. Dean Shock. Well, he's going to get on the scale or his toys will get smashed and destroyed with this mallet. Where's my... I have a phone and a mallet, actually. Dean Shock for five.

Thanks for the laugh, boys. I mean, try harder, Vito, for fuck's sake. Could bring back audience problems. Be good enough to break up the bonus episodes. Yeah, but then we got to argue for other people's problems. I don't have a problem with the bonus episodes. You do. Ah, they're a little plodding.

Yeah, well, whatever. It's fun. Because you don't want to hear about the same topic. You do. Ah, they're a little plodding. Yeah, well, whatever. It's fun. Because you don't want to hear about the same topic for an hour. But, like, if we do something like summer, it's like a lot of stuff. It's not just the same thing. No, it feels like the same thing. What was the last one we did? 2023? That's a good one. That's a cool year, though. Okay, so we just have to come up with broader

topics. Yes. But when we did, like, Black History Month, that's a broad topic. I don't know. I think we should, but I don't know. Look. I'm just telling you what I see. Okay. Here. But when we did like Black History Month, that's a broad topic. I don't know. Look, I'm just telling you what I see. How about biggest problems in shitty bits that are badly defined and are just an excuse for Dick to wear a retarded costume.

Put back on the music. I'm not going to let you do it. Put back on the pirate music. Okay. Yes, the Chick-fil-A music. Yes. Okay, well I should probably pay for YouTube free. No, it's going to play a different ad. Click on this other one. This is Celtic.

Get out of the ads. Fucking stop playing ads. There we go. No, that's horrible. No, this is great. No, no, this is like. I like this. This is like, yes, right there.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Where the fuck is the pirate music Alright Go read Keep reading You know why don't you Why don't you tonight You can google some Pirate songs

I already have tried To do pirate songs And there aren't any Okay Let's see On the John for 5 Says Dick if you crap on the episode On the episode

All you're doing Is incepting that idea Into people's minds Yes That's what I keep saying He doesn't fucking know Stop shitting on the episode During on the episode, all you're doing is incepting that idea into people's minds. Yes, that's what I keep saying. He doesn't fucking know. Stop shitting on the episode during the episode. That's what you fucking dickheads think.

Every episode is good. Dick is just constantly... The only reason Dick doesn't like this episode is because the whole time he's thinking about how he wants to dress in his gay pirate outfit. Why am I thinking about my gay pirate outfits? And he's like... Stop doing the... When are these problems going to end? Can you fucking finish the super chats, please?

You keep interrupting it. You're the one, because you're trying to fucking delay getting on the scale. You keep interrupting this stupid pirate shit. All right. What do you think's in here? Do you think it's something good?

Stop interrupting Blitzbeam for five. It could be something. Yeah, I know. Anything could be in the magic fucking chest, including my lost dignity. Okay, I get it. I understand the bed. I understand the metaphorical relevance

of the magic chest, and inside it is- You know, people have said, this. I understand the bed. I understand the metaphorical relevance of the magic chest and inside it is... You know, people sent this is all you're doing. Great. Because we were out to lunch with that guy. I know. And he said, I'm getting some special limited edition stuff. Right. And I said, you should send it to me. And I said, no,

send it to me. And I'll make him get on the scale for it. And he said, done. And he sent it to me. Yeah. And I said you know he sent me a direct message today apologizing for inspiring this terrible bit. He said I didn't realize he would get out of hand. Okay then I get all the credit if he disavowed it I get all the

credit. He's like I thought it would be like a one time funny thing. It's a whole thing. Now there's a children's treasure box. And then other people are sending amazing stuff. Everyone's sending amazing treasures. Everyone's sending amazing treasures. What's the biggest problem in the universe? It's a show where a fat guy has a magic treasure box and he has to compete for items. That's a good pitch.

Feels like a different show. That's a good pitch than your stupid van driving around dressing like home repair workers. We'll save that for the next episode. But let's be for five. The only good thing at McDonald's is the chicken sandwich and the double quarter pounder. You're bugging if you get anything else. Filet of fish. Indread Cole for five. Always critique.

Always achieving excellence is not easy, King. Dog fried for five. Bring your scale to Dick's house to see what the difference is between the two. The floor material often messes with scales. You have to weigh yourself on both scales. I'll bring my scale in. One foot on reality and one foot on fucking fantasy.

I live in a fantasy scale. I have a fantasy scale. Fantasy scale. Sam for five. I don't know if it went through, but thanks to Dick, you and Sean, you guys are the reason I got into HVAC. Good. Yes, good for you.

You're working harder than Matt Walsh, who was complaining today about how no one works as hard as him. I hope he gets prostate cancer because he doesn't check his prostate because it's gay. And then Matt Walsh, who was complaining today about how no one works as hard as him. Prostate cancer. Because he doesn't check his prostate because it's gay. The laziest, gayest beard in the world. Gay beard. The S-Pirate. He fucking sucks.

I really hate him. We have Dick Beard, who hates gay beard. Cum beard, they call me. Because if I shoot cum, not because I have cum in my beard. I think you need an actual pirate name. I think people should be suggesting a pirate name for you. Long penis. No.

You didn't let me finish. Long penis. Shredder for five. You know, stock tears. Silver is what I was going to say. Chicken stock or beef stock. Good one. Cameron's content done for two.

My father calls his black friends His nickel Katie for 20 Please wish my daddy Josh L A happy birthday And telling me So handsome Smart and funny

Well Happy birthday Josh Happy birthday Josh Josh L Josh L Happy birthday

Happy birthday Be glad you're not the one Here Competing Suffering under the Vito's the wicked sword of the evil pirate Dick Masterson, who has not come up with any pirate-related puns or insults for some reason. JJ for two. How does Melanary Mac feel about the Soska sisters?

She'll find a way to excuse their Satanism as well. She did a thing. She said, well, I wish I wouldn't have done it that way. I wish she didn't. Like, that's it? You're talking about

gay people going to hell? She has a Yira t-shirt and she's a super hardcore Christian influencer. This is my impression of Melanie Mac, but imagine a black

dick instead of a sword. This is my impression of nerd Rotic and, what was that guy's name? Jeremy. Jeremy from Geeks and what was that guy's name? Jeremy from Geeks and Gamers. Yellow Flash wishes he could suck Eric's last cock.

This is my impression of NerdRotic, Melanie Mag, and Jeremy from Geeks and Gamers. Like this. There you go, folks. Like that. Cock gobblersers They are pretty bad Michael winning for five

The veto's worst argument Just shows they're fine With pedo stuff They had kind of the point Stray beans for three Eric July just tweeted A photo of him at a con He is five foot eight

He's fatter than hell And his line They found that his line Was actually separated From another line Oh so that line was fake? The line was fake! Those were fake lines!

I would like to know... You know what? I'll say one thing. I was happy to see that the Ripperverse got a small booth. Eric's reigning in the spending a little bit. Small booth that makes the dick look bigger. I was worried he was going to get one of these giant fucking booths to sell all his cream. Gentlemen, sausage for five.

My credibility was already in a fire sale. R for One would sell the last dance for what Urban Dictionary calls a gentleman's latte from twins. 100% the Soska sisters both sucked Eric Sly's cock. Sorry, I've only been right about everything so far. And now I'm right again. I'm not retarded. I know how people are. This is another character I want you to do. What was

Johnny Carson's mind-reading characters? N-Word Man? No, no, no. Carmack. Carmack, yeah. You should have a bunch of cards. It should be like the two women who sucked off Eric July to get a comic

job. And you open the envelope and it's Melanie Mack and her... Oh, yeah. Some twist or something. Yeah. A joke. It's a joke.

Let's see. Lloyd Llewellyn for eight Australian. I can't wait for the new and improved Ripperverse to start pledge drives for GLAAD and Planned Parenthood is moving in the right direction. You have no idea how...

Dickington Post for two. People sent so many valuable items. The Susk has fed a pregnant woman in that idea. Dickington Post for two. People sent so many valuable items. The Susk has fed a pregnant woman in that film. Gross. Ryan for two. Pirate hat, eye patch,

peg leg doctor coat. Should have a doctor coat. Ryan for two. Dr. Blackbeard. It's obvious. I'm Dr. Blackbeard. AIC presents. This is Young Clipper here.

I'm Dr. Beard. Nothing too good could have come in just yet, but a week or two, you won't know if that MTG box is in the box, Vito. Skip that scale while you can. Yeah, I know what Riley sent in because he's insane. You don't know what people sent in even beyond Riley. The only thing I know is what Riley sent in and what another guy suggested he was sending in. People sent in stuff that floored me.

Yeah, honestly. I said, oh, God, no. Oh, curse me, Kiltz. Well, they're sending in stuff that if we burn it, like, people would write news articles. But I will burn it. If you don't get on the scale. Guys, if we burn. I will.

There's no we. I will burn what's in this box. I don't care about the present or the past or the future. I don't want to be known as the podcast that burned a set of like $1,500 magic cards. Well, then you better get on the scale, you land blubber. On the john for five. I find it funny that Eric will hire 20 warehouse employees but not one PR person. You idiot, stop talking.

No, he thinks he's a PR mastermind. How about a fucking proofreader? How about this one? Wait a minute. Let me get this. No, he thinks he's a PR mastermind. How about a fucking proofreader? How about this one? Wait a minute. Let me get this. Oh, shit, I can't see. Actually, it's easier to use. Oh, my God.

Can you type in... Wait. Let me type in Twitter for me. I don't want to turn it over. Yeah, good. Yeah. Maybe you could find one in the box. You better fucking watch it.

That's pretty funny. What are you trying to find? The typo. On their stupid sign? Yes, on their stupid sign. Here's the Soska sisters and they both sucked off Eric July. Oh.

And that's cool. I do find it endlessly pathetic that their weird little social media manager is obsessed with the concept of NDAs because he's never been in any sort

of position where like those standard, like he's actually, you know when you hand like an idiot it says no dicks allowed and he's

like that's my kind of party. When you hand a moron the smallest amount of responsibility and suddenly they become obsessive about it

because there's this one guy at the Riververse who constantly goes, oh, well, all our people are under NDAs and I'm always enforcing the NDAs. And he printed out little signs for the Saska sisters every time they're not allowed to say something because they're under an NDA. First of all, you don't need NDAs in your shitty little indie... What are they going to say?

Yeah, Yaira fights a black guy and then he rapes her throat until she dies. Whatever. No one cares. But I'm just saying. I don't think that's covered by the NDA. All right, here's Glenda the Good Witch over here. Yeah. Here's the other one.

Look at this. And the other side it says. They do have an unfortunate look about them. Like, it's like really weird, right? But then look at this. On the other side it says NDA, but then, look, just read it. How many times did you have to

us use the sign? So the idea is every time they were potentially about to break NDA, which the Riververse is obsessed about because people who are dumb and don't understand companies think NDAs are really exciting and important, I think. Ooh, an NDA. That sounds official.

Right there. Look, it says that on one side, and the other side it says, how many times do you have to use that? But you see they have a typo there. Yeah. It says us use the sign. Because everything at this company is run by idiots. So slap shot.

Yeah. How the fuck do you? How do you fuck that up? No typos on Vito's booty box here. No, you spoke Vito's booty very well. All right. Well, that's all I. No, you spoke Vito's booty very well. All right. Well, that's all I wanted to show you about is a typo. Well, you did a good job, Captain Dickface, or whatever your fucking name is.

Ah, Captain Dickface, the pirate. Oh, fuck. Did I just close it? Oh, you fucked it up. No, it was- You fucked it up. You fucked it up. You fucked it up.

You fucked it up. You fucked it up. You fucked it up. Shut up. I was thrown off by your constant- You have to fucking reload it. You fucked it up. You fucked it up. You fucked it up. You fucked it up. Shut up. I was thrown off by your constant- You have to fucking reload it. This is going to go on forever if you don't stop. You're making it go on forever.

No, you're making it go on forever because you keep doing pirate shit. Just shut the fuck up for 20 seconds. Who's reading so slow? Oh my God. Stop doing schtick and just let me read these. Gar. Doc Fredify for five. How are you ready, kids? Stop. Stop doing schtick and just let me read these. Gar. Oh. Dog Fredify for five.

Oh, are you ready, kids? Stop. It's time for the first episode of Vito's Booty. Read the fucking cop. Read the super chat so there's no more. I can't. Stop interrupting. Just fucking read.

You don't can. You can just read while I'm talking. I start reading and then you sing a pirate shanty. Just shut the fuck up. Yo ho. Make, all right. Dog Fred of five for five. Everyone be quiet.

Vito has to read the fucking super chats. Make Vito waddle the plank. Ha ha. Okay. Pigeon for five. Y'all going to be swimming in booty from super chats. DJ K for 10 Australian. Remember, Vito, all this happened because you wouldn't get on the scale.

Yeah, I know. All of this happened. Shut up. All of this happened. It's happening right now because of you. Sam for two. You did this. Vito, I swear to God, if you get on the scale. Yeah, I know. Yep, all of this happened. Shut up. All of this happened. It's happening right now because of you. Sam for two. You did this. Vito, I swear to God, if you get those comics burned.

Dog Fredify. No, it's your fault all of you people sent shit in. It's not my responsibility. They sent so much good stuff in. I was like, oh my God. Dog Fredify put some pirate flags and some parrots in the chat. Thank you. Bag Schmidt for five.

How does my pirate look? How does my parrot look? Ken Scurvy Seadog swooned for a landlubbing lass. A landlubbing. Dean Shock for five. Dick, you're such an entertainer. Vito, what's the bird's name again? Ah, this chair be high.

What's the bird's name? Coop for two says you're waving. You're welcome. Snapdragon for two says this bit rules. Maybe there will be further tests. Pigeon for five. Best episode. Daniel Gore for 20.

Vito, chill and enjoy the pirate bit. Ryan for five. Vito, please, I'm begging you. Just do keto. Fuck you. Dickington Post for 20. Vito, chill and enjoy the pirate bit. Ryan for 5. Vito, please, I'm begging you, just do keto. Fuck you. Dickington post for 10. Too late for keto. Thomas Antish's pirate crew was reported to have committed a particularly horrible rape in 17. That's right.

21. We rape them and rape them and rape them and rape them and rape them all. Single women. And they broke her back and threw her overboard. Break her back. We got some pirate facts for the episode And smack her right back Johnny Rocket We don't give a fuck

Hard R A pirate's life for me What? What's so funny? That was a pretty good one SJ Now it's funny I guess Hard R What? What's so funny? That was a pretty good one. SJ for 50. Now it's funny, I guess. Hard R.

That's good. Hard R. Vito lost 20 pounds in January only using gaming and a treadmill. Do it, you fucking loser. Hard R. Case Swindle for two. Hard R. Hard R.

Ryan for five. Richard and Vito yelling and arguing is the best part of the show. The only reason we're watching is sending super chats. Send the super chats. Jordan Lewis for two. Happy birthday, Josh. Katie and I love you. Happy birthday, Josh L. Benjamin Stone for a giant $50

says call to prayer because the Middle Eastern pirates. Oh, shit. For the Somali pirate stick. Do you have anything to say to these loving folks? Gar. It's time for a call to prayer. Islamic prayer Yeah Play the other pirate music that I have

Okay Stop fucking moving it around You did this music This is good Pirate-y Islamic music Oh my god Now let's talk about the most pirate of Pokemon Which is Palworld That's true Islamic music oh my god let's talk about the most pirates of Pokemon which is pal world

The most Pirate enough Pokemon that you can possibly get is getting up those little Sheeps fucking them throwing them off a cliff right? Would want when you're sailing the seven seas The seven seas are cunts. Cunts? Christianity. You're not going to make it through seven.

Carrots. Yeah. Canada. Canada. Did I say cunts already? You said cunts already. Oh, shit. Guys, you got to ask for the call to prayer before Dick gets drunk.

No, you did it right. Before I get drunk? What the? Well, I guess that's it. I'm not drunk? Before he gets too drunk. How's that? Thank you for the 50, Benjamin Stone.

Psycho Crusher, 69 for 10. Hey, Dick, does the treasure chest have the scale of judgment for Vito to weigh himself with? Yes, we have it. Clash Trap Destroyer for five. As soon as we're done with these darn super chats, then we... Cumbeard the Butt Pirate. Cumbeard the Butt Pirate. Oi, lads, I'm Cumbeard.

I've got semen all over me poop deck. Right? Frigate for five. Fuck you, Vito, not laughing at that. That's pretty good. That's pretty good. I've got... Obvious.

You should use the song, What Should we do With a drunken sailor That's a good one Okay hold on Dog Friday 5 for 5 Okay we can do that Next episode We can do that Next time he says

When I'm wearing A whole fucking pirate thing With a fucking parrot On my shoulder We should do it Next time You're really gonna resist Putting this back on

Okay fuck you Okay I'm doing Google now What do we do with a drunken sailor? Hey, you know who was a sailor? Instrumental. Popeye. Should do that bit.

I don't... I meant to put that in the sound thing before, but I didn't have time. Yes! Oh my god. Here we go! Yes! This is exactly what I want, Vito! Oh shit, I broke it? What the fuck?! Where'd it go?

You fucking closed it! Well, cause you didn't open it in the right- you put it- you didn't get to put open a YouTube tab. And watch- Hey, you made a fucking ad come up! It's that Chinese anti-communist dance. There you go. All right. All right. This is good for the bit.

Keep that playing. I am the more. Finally. Fuck. A good super chat. All right, come beard. Calm down. Okay, is that it?

No, hold on. Is that it? It's time for- John, Friday 5 for 5. It's time for Vito to walk the plank. Check this out. Wait, everyone. Keep reading.

I pledge total allegiance to Plunder and Dick down with the cringe with Vito Gizmo. Vito's gotta walk the plank to the scale. He has an actual plank. I know. Look at this. I got a plank. I hate every part of this. Look at this. I got a plank. Why don't we just do the show on a boat, Dick? What other fucking stupid

pirate shit do you have planned? Fucking retarded. Let's see. Bomb a gumper for five. Eric July gets a comics and is suddenly almost as fat as Vito. That's true. Pineapple man for two. It says my dad's watching.

Hello, father. Hello, father. What a perfect time to watch this high. It's not PKA. Don't worry. And Ryan for five. Last super chat. Since Vito won't fully read them or lose weight, eat poop.

All right, Vito. Here we go. Here's the rules to the game Are you ready kids? Yeah? I mean? I've only had four hours of buildup Wait I have a theme song but You want me to pause it uh? No hold on I got to remember it though. I do have a theme song Let me wait let me bring up the words

I don't want to forget it Sure What's wrong with that No just go ahead Alright here we go Are you ready You're steering the ship captain Are you ready kids

Go ahead Let's see this Oh what's the game Where we smash all the toys Vito's booty Of a man who tweets About little boys Vito's booty You're completely off tweets about little boys Vito's booty

You're completely off the top of it What's in the box you know you want it So get on the scale or I smash it to shit Vito's booty, Vito's booty, Vito's booty, Vito's booty, Vito's booty Vito's Booty! All right. So this is the last episode of this show. Do you want to... Here's the rules, Vito.

I'm fucking retarded. If you want what's in the box... Okay. You've got to go... Walk the plank, apparently. Walk the plank. Are you going to put the plank down? You have to put it down.

I have to walk across this shit piece of wood you pulled out of your garage. Yes. Okay. And you have to weigh yourself on the scale. Okay. And then you get what's in the box. And then I get a toy. And if you don't, whatever's in the box.

Whatever's in the box. People have sent in really good stuff. So is there one thing in the box? Look, I'm a pirate. I don't understand about plastic toys and stuff. Sure. I don't know what's good and what's not. Yeah. Just whatever people send me, I put in the box. Dick's taking all the good shit and hiding it.

I don't want any of this crap. Actually, I hate it. I take it and put it in the box. If you want it. So did you put one item in the box or is there like a bunch of stuff in the box? Could be either one of those. What would you like? Well, I'm going to find out.

Isn't that part of the bit? I'm trying to understand the bit. The bit is, if you want what's in this box, you've got to walk the plank. So there's definitely something in the box. There's something in the box. So that's not a trick. No, and it's something that somebody sent in. I could not put my own things in the box.

You cannot influence the box. I can only put what someone sent in. Gar. Ar. Vito. Ar. What do you take me for, a sharper? But then if I'm the fans of this show, what's going to stop me from sending in like a hundred

pieces of dog shit and then the box always has dog shit in it? Well, then you would just knock it on the scale anymore, I guess. Yeah, but then like... What do you mean? So, but people are sending things in. Yeah. Some of them are good. All of them are great.

All of them are great. I mean, according to you, I don't... I can't tell the difference because it's all crap to me. Okay. But everyone's... Some of them look really good. Okay, but we're not allowed to know any of them. Like ahead of time.

What do you mean weird? It's all a secret. Like the audience. What do you want me to tell you? Somebody's sending a very limited edition one of a kind. The guy who we're eating lunch with. I know. Well, I know some items. That's a really good one. That's pretty cool. You know some items. Some items. Like what?

I think there's like a Final Fantasy thing. Oh, yeah. You could come all over that if you had it. But if you don't, I'll smash it. Yeah. But now, like, you know. Or light it on fire if it's a card. You could destroy it in a variety of ways.

Yes, right, right, right. And I can't really metagame it. How are you going to metagame it? It if it's a card. You can destroy it in a variety of ways. Yes, right, right, right. And I can't really metagame it. How are you going to metagame it? It's already in the box. I can't. Can I shake the box? No, you can't do anything. Can I touch the box?

No, you can't. Cut your hand off, you penis lover. Can I ask your pedophile parrot what's in the box? Yeah. What's in the box? Tastes nuts. Yeah, okay. Well,

what is it? So should I, I'm indulging this? You gotta pick the one or the other. Vito's booty. Shut up. I mean, it seems like Vito's booty. Shut up. What's in the box? You know you want it.

Vito's booty. So get on the scale or I smash it to shit. V you want it! Vito's booty! So get on the scale or I smash it to shit! Vito's booty! Vito's booty! Vito's booty! Get the plank, put the plank down. Why is there a plank? Because it's a pirate theme!

Over there. Over there. Get that guy to move it over there. Okay, here we go. I'm not doing the plank. You have to do the plank. Or else you're just floating through the air. It doesn't make any sense.

Okay, here we go. Okay. Why are you taking your shirt off? Just say you're wearing a shirt Well minus it From the weight You know how much I fucking

Don't even get fucking close to this I put padding in Why are you taking your fucking I was maybe Don't take your pants off Lad Okay I'm walking Gay

Oh you didn't have to do that What do you mean I didn't have to do that? Well I mean all that matters is You didn't have to do that You didn't have to take Walk on the plank Okay, here we go

Okay Yeah, do you wanna- well you know what you got? Uh, yeah! Do you want to- Well, you know what you got? Well, yeah, isn't that part of the bit? You're doing the bit! You're doing the bit! $2.95!

$2.95! $2.95! Don't you think that's good? I don't care. Well, you should! Laddie, you should. Now- I'm only doing this because I don't want fans to send things in and have them get burned.

Well, they will get burned. Now you get your prize. Are you ready? Close- I gotta close my eyes burned. Now you get your prize. Are you ready? No. I gotta close my eyes. I'm not closing my eyes. Are you ready? Yeah, I'm ready.

Here you go. Okay. Take it away. Fuck. It's a stud. It's a great prize. It's a great prize. Oh, fuck.

I fucking should have said no. It's mother's. It's a Funko Pop of mother's milk. Great. That's a great prize. I should have said no. It's mother's. It's a Funko Pop of mother's milk. Ah, great. That's a great prize. I should have said no. Do I have to take this? Can I leave this?

What do you mean? It's a great prize for you that someone sent in, Vito. That's a wonderful prize. It's a pop figure of that stupid character. It's for Black History Month. Yeah, it's a Black History Month. That you got. Isn't that good? Why is this one History Month. Yeah, it's a Black History Month. That's what you got. Isn't that good?

Why is this one not good? No, it's the best one. Oh, you're playing with it. It's the exact one I wanted. It's exactly what I wanted. Why did you think I would give you something good on the first time? It looks like Eric Chilai. I got an Eric Chilai pop figure.

Why would I give you something good on the first one? Yeah, that's a good point. See, I should have metagamed it. Maybe I I give you something good on the first one? Yeah, that's a good point. See, I should have metagamed it. Maybe I'll give you something good on the second one. But maybe not. Why do I get the feeling the bet is that I'm never going to get anything good? And I'm just going to end up with a bunch of pop figures. Maybe I could only put in the box what people send me.

Great. But there's good stuff. What a show. There's good... Stop laughing. What do you think you got? So the show is I get tricked into opening shit I don't want. What?

That's the bit. Oh, is that- Do you think that's funny? Good bit. It's not that funny, Captain Asshole. What do you mean? Fuck you. You're not happy about Mother's milk, Funko?

Why? You're a pedophile. I hate you people. Do Warrior for five. R in the chat if you think it's a good bit. I expect Vito in a wench costume where don't even bother. Stratergery for five. True.

Trucks me. Dick should come in wearing a cap, glasses, and button up. Well, Vito shows up with just a Masterson-esque wig. Guys, Truxme shirts are available in classic black in the XL format at killdozer.industries. There's also an orange one, so I wanted orange.

Oh, yeah, that's good. Like industrial orange. Looks good. Dark Nook for five. Dark Beard the Pirate Hard R. Hard R. Hard R. Macy's. Artard Vito doesn't understand the bit. Orange looks good Dark nook for five dark beard the pirate heart are hard are right Maties are tardy Morning Vito coming Booty. What's in the box? Anyone claiming to understand this bit is lying. Get on the scale. I'll smash it to shit. Vito's Booty.

You can smash this fucking thing. Go nuts. Have fun with it. Vito's. What do you mean? This is one of your priceless fucking toys that you like. Fuck this. Fuck the show.

Fuck everything. So fucking retarded. I hate you people so fucking much. You didn't like that one? No. I had to sit through two hours of you in a pirate costume singing songs and tantalizing me with a fucking pirate chest to open a pop figure of a shitty character from an HBO show. So you do get the bit. Yeah, I get the bit.

Thanks to everybody. Don't forget to check out the show at patreon.com slash biggestproblem. Vote on all the problems at biggestproblem.show. Next week, there will be another prize. Yeah, I know. I get it.

Yeah, it could be anything. Who knows? It could be anything. It could be anything. It could be something great. Yeah, well. It could be something even better. Maybe it'll be a gun

so I can fucking kill myself. That'd be cool. Someone send him one of those. Oh, that sounds like an expensive present. Well, that's what I want now. Are we done? Can we end this? Yes, we're done.

Goodbye. Fucking gay pirate shit. Oops. It's all right.