The Biggest Problem in the Universe - episode 127

Episode Date: February 10, 2024

Test one, one, two, hello, one, two. Did that guy stop the music at the end? God damn it. Did he? Did his music track just stop when the fucking countdown goes off? Everyone likes just perfect silence. Sitting in silence quietly for an assembly to start, right? Half-assed.

Half-assed. Half-assed favors. That's my problem. I know this is going out of decorum. Half-assed favors. I don't know if it's half-assed. You know, not everybody thinks. Oh, hey, what if, you know, the show doesn't start right on time?

Then why was the video extended? Hey, can you extend the video? Because we don't start right at five. Yeah. Sure. Are you sure the music went out? Are you 100% sure? No, I'm not.

Well, now I'm not sure either. Maybe it was planning. Half-assed favors. You're a man, Martian. I feel like we did the, did we not do this or we just discussed it? H-A-F. Well, this was relying on friends, I'm going to say, because I'm remembering Tony's favor to pick up my shit at the post office.

His was no-assed. Which is shocking because he has so much of it. Tony, can you get my package from the post office in anticipation of the show? Sure. Absolutely. Vito's making this problem about merch again. It is about merch. Speaking of merch, guys.

Everything's about merch. Merch Planet. Welcome to Vito's merch town. Everything's for sale. Me, the door, the cards, the card viewing booth things. Hold on. Even the floor's for sale at Vito's merch store. I'll sign it. I'llch Store! I'll sign it!

I'll sign you! We have... I'll sign myself! Six pieces of merch, four of which are just our logo on something, okay? So we really have three pieces of merch. Come on down to Vito's Merch Store! We got three pieces of merch! That's three for everybody!

Regardless, the Ricky shirt now available from Kildosier Don Industries. The one that says retarded on it? No, it doesn't say retarded on it. If anybody wants a variant that actually says Ricky Retardo, but I think most people said, well, I can't wear this in public. And I was like, yeah, that's fair. You just gotta wear it when you're

plowing your wife or whatever. This is a nice piece of merch. I paid a guy to draw. You paid a guy for this? Yeah, I paid a guy. How much? Do you really want to know? It was like $100.

Whoa, $100. He did a really good job. He did a good job. I added... Probably just used AI, though. You probably got rooked. No, he didn't use AI. This looks like...

This has got AI written all over it. I right-click it, and you can open it in a new window. You can see it. I don't know this newfangled clicker thing you've got. You don't know anything about clicker. There you go. You can see the whole shirt there.

Wow. Can we get a more muscular male model here? What's going on here? You can see his veins. That's the default model that the print shop generates. I mean, I don't want to be hard on this guy. Look at how sexy. Look at how good he would look.

This lantern Richard Spencer jaw that he's got. Okay. And then he's got these noodley arms down here. I thought, what model would our audience identify more with? There's a huge muscular black guy that they could put it on, or a skinny white twink. Put it on a woman with huge tits. I don't think that's an option. Just put a fucking picture of the logo and have some hot whore bouncing around.

You sell t-shirts like crazy. People will be confused. They'll think it's a woman's shirt. And they'll buy it. No, they're not going to buy it. Anyway. And I did the little graphics thing. Oh, yeah.

I saw that. That part's not as good. I think I did a pretty good job. All right. Are you ready to do a show? Yes. I'm proud of the Ricky shirt. I think it looks good. I love it. I just wish it said something other than Ricky.

Like, I don't know what to put there. Yeah, well, we tried to... I don't know. If anybody has a good idea, I can still change it. Is it working? Is everything working here? Chickens in the chat! Pirate flags for Harder! The Pirates in the chat! It looks like it's working. And remember, it's $50 for Vito's to plunder Vito's booty. Or $50 for the Pokemon Call to Prayer or whatever else we're doing.

Power World Call to Prayer. I think somebody's going to donate the 50. Well, let's see. People have been sending some really crazy stuff. Yeah, I know. No one's sending anything crappy. That's see. People have been sending some really crazy stuff. Yeah, I know. No one's sending anything crappy. That's weird. People are only sending good stuff.

Well, that's what we need to workshop this bit. It's not a wee bit. It's my bit. You need to workshop. I do whatever I want because it's my booty that I play. I look forward to that bit evolving because at this point, people are being like, Hey, Vito, I sent the crown jewels of England in. And I'm like, well.

Guess you better get on the scale then, Vito. Right. Guess you got no choice then, don't you, Vito? I mean, I don't want you to burn the crown jewels. That's correct. Or the ridiculous things people are sending in. Okay, let's go. Sure, let's do it.

Vito's Booty! Biggest Problem in the Universe! Welcome to the biggest problem in the universe. The only show that ranks every problem in the universe. From cops changing their sectors To rapist collectors I'm your host Dick Massey Joining me as always is Vito Giswaldo Hi Dick

What's up buddy? How you been? I'm good That was sent in by Super Serbian That's a good thing or not To be a Super Serbian It's crazy how much stuff keeps happening What do you mean?

It's like I go to be like, you know, what happened this week? We'll talk about it on the show. And I go, oh, my God. There's so much that we have not brought up, that we have not talked about. It feels like it's miles away from here. What are you talking about specifically? Horseman. We didn't talk about that?

We have not talked about Horseman at all. Oh, man. Doesn't that feel like it's a month away? That was like last week. Oh, holy moly. I didn't even make a Mr. Ed cut. I know. Eric fucks up more than we can keep track of it.

I talked about it on my show a lot. Yeah, that's the thing is sometimes I think you talk about stuff on your show, and then I don't get to join in the fun. Well, you could have called in. You could always call in show and then I don't get to join in the fun. You could have called in. You could always call in Discord when you're laying down in bed. I was watching your show. How do I call in? You have to notice.

Be on Discord. Maybe you have to notice I'm in there. You could text me or something. And I'm sitting there for an hour. Oh, fucking hell. Okay, I'll break in for precious so I don't ruin your lying down time. I'm not lying down. Although I was working on my comic in bed

Which was pretty cool No I have a monitor Built into the wall that I can pull out The wall or the ceiling? The wall I wish it was on the ceiling And you can tilt it And I got a little wireless keyboard

And a wireless mouse In bed? I got a special mouse pad for the bed. It's like a bean bag with a mouse pad on top of it so it goes on any surface. Oh my God. And I was just... Wait, it's a mouse that you can do in bed?

The mouse is normal. It's a mouse pad. Imagine a tiny bean bag with a wooden circle affixed to it. Wooden circle? Yeah, like a wooden disc. And that's the pad that you use the mouse on. Huh. So, because it's a beanbag, it'll go anywhere and still be adhered to the surface.

Did you order this with your Temu bucks that you got for shilling that shit? I did buy a bunch of stuff from Temu, though. You just go on there and it's crazy, the stuff they get. So, you're working on your comic, You're like just nitpicking your artist. Like what does working on a comic mean for not an artist? There's a little bit of nitpicking the artist and I feel bad about that. But it is what it is. Uh-oh.

The comic virus is getting hold. I'm being, I'm not very nitpicking. The Eric virus is taking hold of you. The what it is virus. It's not the what it is virus. Say something. See if it sounds funny with this under it. Well, I've been working on my comic book.

It doesn't sound funny. No, it doesn't. Okay, you're safe. You're clear. You must be inoculated. It's stuff where, like, I go, okay, as I've said, you know, I read a lot of, like, gag manga, you know, Japanese comics that are funny. Love it.

Love that you do that. So I have certain things in my head that are funny. Yeah. He doesn't read as much, like, comedy stuff. Who? The funny. Love it. Love that you do that. So I have certain things in my head that are funny. Yeah. He doesn't read as much, like, comedy stuff. Who? The artist. The artist. Because he's not funny.

You're funnier than him. Yeah. I would say that kind of stuff after the comic was done, if I were you. Well, no, he's not trying to be funny. He's like an actual artist who draws cool superhero stuff. Even people who are not funny still have feelings. I'm not saying he's not funny. I'm saying I...

You're funnier. Well, I know what jokes and gags... Just even worse, honestly. Like, he'll draw the character being like, and I'll be like, no, no, no, he's got to be like, and his eyes are bugging out of his head. What? No, the first one was...

He didn't even see it. I was like, what? I'm describing it. And you're like, ah, wow! That's a little, like a clown. Some of it, I think you gotta go over the top, you know? Oh boy, I can't wait to see this comic.

You've seen parts of it. It's looking good. I can't wait to hold it in my hand. Well, I've made extensive changes based on one particular note you gave me. I don't know why I'm upset. Which one? The one about the characters making decisions. There's a pivotal moment. Yeah. Yeah, and then I made a change.

He said, well, that's bad. And I said, well, I like this change. Is it like a... And now I've even elaborated... Drive-thru choice that he makes? Yeah, what he gets at the drive-thru. And then people keep asking me to add the Isom truck. I can think of one play...

You should just do Isom. Just remake every scene and have Superkiller lurking around like Forrest Gump, you know, and they edited all those scenes, like Nixon and stuff. And it's Isom, like Back to the Future 2. And it's Superkiller going through Isom. You don't have to pay for it because those assets are all free. Yeah. And he's going through.

Well. And it's just all, you know, Isom, just the model Isom. And you don't have any of the speech, right? So it's not illegal. And it's all following Superkiller. That is a fucking good-ass comic. So I take the entire Isom comic and replace Isom with my character. No, you have your guy in the background doing other stuff, like Back to the Future 2, where it's the same stuff, but Marty's in the back doing stuff.

Well, that sounds a little... That's... That sounds a bit elaborate. Whoa! Next week, you're going to be saying, yeah, now we need to figure out that bit, too. I think that people are going to be satisfied. We got a lot of fun stuff coming up. Okay, did you drink your coffee this week?

I told you... No, I haven't touched it yet. You made me make it for you, and then you sit and stare at it while you start this fucking outboard motor of uh uh energy that you have i took some adderall we're good legally prescribed why don't you shotgun that coffee i shotgun this dc dark cock take me to washington because i'm drinking that DC. All right. Oh, wait.

I didn't write it down. You looked at the paper. Cops transferring departments won. Am I on? Okay. I think I'm on a streak. What? Go through the episodes. Come on.

Two seconds it'll take. Okay. Let's see. Cops transferring departments won. I win episode 126. Dead air. It's not dead air. People like... Oh, the show that's a contest is doing the contest stuff.

I can't believe it. There we go. Where's the next episode button? You tell me. You broke the show. It's so easy to find. You broke the show. Uh-oh. Okay, now we're clicking randomly in a panic. Shut up. New bonus episode is up at patreon.com slash biggest problem. Maddox would hate it if you bought this episode.

Big problem in China. Biggest problem in China. Biggest problem in China. Okay. Racist. Okay, so I won 126. 127. 125, I won RoboCallers.

Okay. And now my mouse is dead. Oh, there it goes. Okay, so 120. Wait, 126 I won. 125 I won. Okay. And now my mouse is dead. Oh, there it goes. Okay, so 126 I won. 125 I won. Okay. This is 126 again because I hit next instead of previous. Good job.

Why would previous be to the left? Way to seamlessly navigate the site that you said would take two seconds. Shut up. 124, ignoring driving signals. Okay. That's three. Dumb problem about driving. Stupid. Doesn two seconds. Shut up. 124. Ignoring driving signals. Okay. That's three. Dumb problem about driving. Stupid.

Doesn't matter. Still one. This is 123. Live service video games. What the fuck? That's four in a row. Four in a row? I think you won this one.

Let me see. It's a bonus, though. Oh, that's a bonus. Does it count? That doesn't count. Okay. Episode 122, DEI. Thank God.

That was your last win. Thank Christ. I better start bringing in more right-wing problems here. If you get three in a row, it's what? What are NBA Jam rules? Then you're a flaming, I can't say. I think if you win three in a row. Then you eat shit.

Chick Hearn goes, he's eating shit. I think I should get a free toy out of the toy box. See how quickly he's trained on my toy game? But if I lose three in a row, you get to burn a toy from the toy box. I get to burn you. I get to chase you around and light you on fire. All right, well, I won again with cops transferring departments. What else?

Product placement movies. You won that one too? What the fuck? And remember how you go, these problems suck. This episode sucks. Well, I'm winning, so who cares? I'm just saying it wasn't... Now you're gonna get me started. Everyone said don't. W's a W, and I can't stop

putting them up. The sex offender registry got 24? The sex offender registry. People like you guys like the sex offender registry. What the fuck is wrong with you? I want to know. What do a bunch of little kids and women listen to this show? What the fuck do you guys care about

the sex offender registry? Bunch of simps. Bunch of beta simps. Bunch of white knighting virgin incel simps. Well, it's because everybody wants to be able to find their friends. And the sex offender registry makes it easy. Oh, that's the one social media you can't get kicked off of. Yeah, exactly.

I got a new Twitter, everyone. Go check out my sex offender registry. I'll put it up there. Yeah, check it out. That's how we gotta get rid of it. Separate Facebook only for pedophiles. We all start... And a bunch of AI, you know, women and children for them to interact with so they're properly

contained. Oh yeah. We all start doing AI porn of Taylor Swift so we can all end up on the sex offender registry. Is that what you think is going to happen? Yeah, and then we could do Twitter on the sex offender registry and they legally can't kick us off, right? Yeah, that's true.

That's cool. I don't know. Wi-Fi's got negative? You guys are fucking retarded. Because everybody has their own Wi-Fi. Yeah, but you can't connect anywhere. You should have seen. You have the mouse and you lean all over it because you can't stop fiddling. Oh, my God.

I'm not fiddling. You're just mad you lost again. How many tears are going to end up on that piece of paper today? I'm going to count. For every tear that's on that paper, I'm going to deduct a toy. Let me play with my paper. Let me doodle. No! People are going to count for every tear that's on that paper I'm going to deduct a toy. Let me play with my paper. Let me doodle in the chair. People are going to hear this. This is me in school. I actually have this

really embarrassing memory where this is actually in community college where I would just like incessantly doodle on papers to the point where I was completely tuning out the class. And I didn't even notice that the teacher had been like, okay, let's arrange our desks in a circle facing me. And my desk was facing the other way in the center of an entire circle of desks.

And I'm just autistically drawing like anime bullshit. And I look up and there's just a circle of like 12 people just staring at me like what the fuck are you doing dude we've been here we've been like this for like 10 minutes like they literally just let me sit there for 10 minutes stay there completely zoned out no i was like i was like oh shit and i got up and moved my desk your desk over yeah and i fell i spilled spaghetti everywhere it was a fat kid nightmare. Wow, that sucks. I felt retarded. I was like, oh my God, I'm autistic or something.

So you spent all of class doodling. Yeah. And your doodles still look like they suck. My doodles still look bad. They're all right. Okay. I drew your fucking saline injected sack pretty. We should enter the L.A. Art Fair.

Remember how. I'd love to enter the LA Art Fair. Let's all do it. All of us are entering it. I think I would do better. But they don't rank them. It's like blue ribbon or participation ribbon. It turns out there's a rank lower than that, Vito. It turns out

they pick a special entrant every year and fucking disqualify them. Well, you should have groundedouted it, as I told you. I saw that thing on your table and I said, oh, it's going to look really good when you add the grout. And you're like, what grout? And I went, what do you mean? It's a mosaic.

You can't just leave the pieces like add the layer. Are you doing any kind of bits or anything? Let me see here. I had a couple of notes. I do not have a voted up and the reason is because, as I explained on the last episode, send me news articles.

Oh yeah. No one did. It's hard to find them sometimes. But you're reading the news. If you read a news article They're too busy voting stupidly. Yeah, well they're too busy sending Everybody has time to send garbage to this show to humiliate me, but nobody has any time. Garbage you got sent!

I'm not even going to tell you what you got sent. Is it another Mother's Milk pop figure, I hope? No. Did you find it? No. I didn't look for that shit. Great. You got sent stuff that will boggle your mind. Okay, also, people keep sending me messages. Unbelievable stuff. They're tweeting at you. They're like, hey, Vito, I sent you my childhood first edition Charizard card that my father gave to me.

He says, I'm sending you my first edition original set Charizard that I opened when I was a child with my grandfather who was a Vietnam vet and has since passed away. Is he fucking with me? He was running a torturing camp, a POW camp. He was on the other side. I know this guy. He's a real jackass.

This item has both great monetary value and is of emotional significance to me. I hope Vito doesn't let it get burned. That would devastate him. Why would you send it to the show? Because he hid the card up his ass. For 12 hard years. Five hard years.

The sun did. In 2003. Just for fun. For fun. Hit it up his butt. Well, I hope you don't burn this guy's card today. Or whenever we do Vito's booty next. I don't know. Cool Hand James says.

Right, because no one's going to donate 50 bucks for your stupid bit. Cool Hand James says, Vito, I want to help the environment and stop pollution. Also, Vito, I have dedicated my whole life to collecting every single plastic toy in the world. Yeah, I'm getting them out of the landfills. Where else? That plastic should be in my home. All of it. All of it. Then what do you do when you run out of... Why don't you just move to China where they got

all sorts of plastic crap. New apartment. Just move to a new apartment. I already said I want to be that stone-faced Chinese lady selling TikTok crap. I think I'd be good at it. Oh, you couldn't. That beautiful gazelle woman, that angel that's just shilling shit like a weatherman that we talked about. Incredible.

Watch the bonus episode. You'll see that video. Great bonus episode we did. Not Smoke says, nice job remembering the top supporters, guys. What does that mean? We didn't put them up. Oh, my God. I have to update that list, huh?

Ashton Marles says it's tragic that there are rich guys out there with too much money sending it all to e-girls when they could be sending sealed copies of The Misadventures of Tron Bon to be destroyed in front of Vito. It's Tron Bon. She's a secondary Mega Man villain who got her own spinoff game. Mega Man? Yeah, Mega Man. The one with the little robot pedophile?

You know what Mega Man is. Doesn't that little girl in there like a role? You mean his sister? Yeah. She's a robot, so it's okay. Nah. I got news for you, buddy. No.

Al, in the Mega Man world, I'm sure Dr. Light gets away with a lot. Because he looks like Santa. Dr. Light, why did you make a little girl robot? Well, you know, because I made a little boy robot to molest, and I figured he'd like to have a sister. Divatog says, I love the Flaming Dutchman. Very good. Mystic Marbles says, Vito, have you seen Shad's comic that Ethan VanSkyver reviewed recently?

Apparently the book that is an adaptation of it is worse. The whole thing is the world's most prolific child rapist warlord kills himself and magically gets a 17 year old body to have another shot at life. He goes around killing other rapists and hanging out with his former rape victims

and there's a trial where the woman he raped says it's not that bad because they got a child out of it. Wow, that sounds really weird. A guy wrote that? That's weird. I don't think people understand that Shadowversity is genuinely insane. Like, he's genuinely crazy. Yeah, and he's really, like, shitty at art. Well, yeah, it's when a crazy person believes they're a genius, and they go,

I wrote a book, and you're like, what's the book about? It's about a guy who raped a bunch of women and children and then jumps off a cliff and magically becomes 17 years old again. I think you're right about that trans shit that you said about him. He's trans. No man. Like Buffalo Bill trans. When a guy. Okay, there's two.

Not regular trans. When a guy chooses to go and draw a little anime waifu, there's two ways to draw it. One is to draw it like, yeah, big tits, someone you want to fuck. Or to draw it like, and I decided to make her feminine curves much like this. And I like the large phallic sword. And I'm like, yeah, because you want to be the little girl. I get it. I know you're like coping with that, but it's obvious.

That's always your dad's cock, Shadiversity. Shad is trans. Speak right to him. that, but it's obvious. That story's your dad's cock, Shadiversity. Shad is trans. Speak right to him. Angrist says, if I had a time machine, I'd go back. Everyone wants to kill Hitler. I would kill

Van Gogh. Okay. Because then all this... Because then all this, like, well, crazy people are great artists. Yeah. That would be dead. Because that's all based on him, right? Van Gogh's the cut-off-your-ear guy? Yeah, that's why I was- His art sucks.

Okay. No, it does! I remember, I was like, recently, I'm like, because you ever, have you seen the Doctor Who Van Gogh scene that everybody always links to? Will you, you come into my house and you ask me if I've seen Doctor Who? Not the show! I don't know. Have you watched? You've got to be fucking kidding me.

You've never watched any Doctor Who? Okay. Well, there's a viral scene. Shut up. What is this? I'd rather a bum shit in my eyes than watch Doctor Who. I'm not telling you to watch Doctor Who, but there is a scene that everyone always links to where he goes back in time, he grabs Van Gogh.

I'd rather drink all the water out of a gay bathhouse after an orgy than watch Doctor Who. I'm not a Doctor Who guy. I agree with you. I get it. Okay? But there's a scene. Who gives a shit? Doctor Who.

Stupid. I'm never going to be able to get this out. What's this scene? He gets Doctor Who and they bring him forward in time to a Van Gogh museum and he learns that even though he died penniless or whatever he's a great celebrated artist and everybody goes oh my god what a touching scene. And then I

watch that and I'm like wait is Van Gogh's art actually good? And I went and I looked up a bunch of it and I'm like no this shit sucks. Shut up. Hitler's art is better than Van Gogh's. No it's not. I would rather own one of his watercolors. See, then there would be no more of this, he died penniless, but then he was a big artist. So people who are not rich right now wouldn't get to feel good about their art. He's only, yeah.

Because that only exists because of Van Gogh. And this whole crazy makes good art thing also myth response that Van Gogh's response before. The only reason Van Gogh's art is popular. In fact, I bet Hitler started painting because of Van Gog van gogh probably so i would go ahead and shortcut the hitler thing too van gogh is one of those examples of someone who dies and we have to pretend their art was incredible because they died okay now you're just talking great no kirk covan was pretty good uh the claw yaw says uh Vito, he's doing you. He's imitating you.

Oh, he's making my voice. He says, why should America be like one of those third world countries? In the same breath as he's arguing for making America more like a third world country. That is true. That was a profound comment you felt the need to bring in? Well, actually. He's got you there. Vito is trying to make America worse.

Yeah. Great. Arkin Knightman says, I keep saying this show needs a third person who is normal. The show needs a Sean. Well, fuck you. We don't have anyone like that. Because everyone I'm friends

with gets put on rapeless and stuff by a fucking crazy man who wants to come after you. And then we bring in a very normal black guy and I have to spend a week pruning the comments from all you psychopaths. Yeah. Yeah. Hey, it's finally good to get one of these people on. I'm like, no, get out of here.

You're not helping. You're not helping the show. If you want a normal person to be on the show Can you guys, you know, act normal No, they are That is them acting normal I know, that's the problem We bring a girl on the show and every comment's like

Well, I hate her British way of talking But I jam my man meat down her And I'm like, okay No, but they like that I know The girls love that Sure, and they love to be disrespected ZH something says Like, okay. No, but they like that. I know. The girls love that. Sure, and they love to be disrespected.

ZH something says, Vito's weird burger recounting makes me want to make a Vito's fat stories stinger. What was my burger story? You told some story about eating a hamburger. Oh, because I took two burgers and I made... Yeah, yeah, yeah. I took two double cheeseburgers and I made a quadruple cheeseburger. Because it's all protein. I took a bun out of it.

Then there's people talking about how good the Vito's booty is. And then I wash it down with a high C orange because vitamin C, you know, helps you burn calories. What would it take for you to keep track of everything you eat for a week? I'd do that. You would keep track of everything you ate for a week? Yeah, I mean, I would want something out of it, yeah. Of course. I mean, you know, I think you're

going to do something without getting something immediately for it? Come on! Who am I talking to here? Well, I just, you know, when are we going to come up with something for you to do? It's always... What do you want me to do? I don't know It takes effort to come up with that

Maybe somebody else can come up with it for you I hate you Do you want to talk about horseman more? Why don't you do the silly pants skating routine? Yeah, I will How far past? What are you, a month past? You broke your Patreon record? Yeah

What steps have you taken towards that? It might go back down though Oh, it might go wasn't one other jr says y'all make that land blubber walk the plank blubber. Right next to Dick's fucked up, crippled sex doll. Can you put the pirate shit on her? That would be a good bit. Get that to sky. That's our ship's

whore. I gotta fuck that thing before it gets too pointy. Yeah, you gotta do it. Because now the joints are all sticking out. I don't want to injure my penis or something. You gotta get, like, an insert for it. What? Some of the sex dolls, you can, like, put a fleshlight in that cavity. That way it's easier to...

I'll feel too much like a serial killer if I have to do that. You already are gonna be... Look at her fucking eyes! You're already a serial killer. You're, like, raping a retarded woman with broken limbs. This guy who looks women in the eyes when he fucks them. Okay, I'm sure I'll have a real hard time not looking her in the eyes. I haven't been training to do that my whole life.

All right, whatever. There was one other thing. It's Valentine's Day coming up. I might do it then. I don't know if this is the right time to bring it up, but a certain man tweeted to Eric July. Did you see that? The super retards are aligning.

The gems are combining. See, up until now, the gems have been separate. No, I have them. People don't understand the gems. I have them forever. Yeah, but they... They're trying to team up and get them back. Well, they could try to get them.

That's why they're teaming up, like the Avengers. You are Thanos in this scenario. You have two of the gems. Yeah. The Avengers want the gems back. Yeah. The mighty retarded Avengers. Council of retards.

Yeah. So I don't know if- Maddox, yeah. Read it. Go ahead. I don't have the tweet, actually, because I'm an idiot. Good job. I should have brought it up.

So I'll do it. Yeah. Go to your tweet. Well, you tweeted it like this morning. I woke up at six in the morning, and I said, oh, yeah, I'm going to jack go to your tweet. Well, you tweeted it like this morning. I woke up at six in the morning and I said, oh, yeah, I'm going to jack off to this shit. Oh, here it is. Yes. So this was someone

named 2Lanark tweeting at Maddox. God, wouldn't that have been funny if he put a to be fair in his name and you just read it? Can you shrink it a little bit or something? You should really get with Eric D. July about this. Fanboy and Tubby have been messing.

What are you? What the fuck? Don't encourage that. All right, fanboy. All right, stalker. Fanboy and Tubby have been messing with him a lot last year. From Maddox. He says, Yo. Yo, Eric July.

He did say yo. Yo, dog, you hit me up, man. Why'd you say yo? An African American. I know how to speak to this gentleman. He says, yo, at Eric July. Let's talk. So they are

a combination maybe occurring. I've had a lot of people DMing me about this for some reason. You know what's funny, though? What? So I always wish my enemies would team up. Retardamies would team up. Retardamies. But they never will.

And I always thought it's because they're impossible to work with and get along with. But I don't think that's true because they don't know that. So they would at least try to team up, right? Yeah. I think they see in each other immediately that the other is an insane person in the same way that they are. Right. And they are different, right? They're smart.

Yeah, he's like, I'm smart. Yeah, my book was great. He's bewitched all of these people into hating me, and I'm a good guy, right? I'm being stalked. And if I go on AM terrestrial radio, everyone will understand my plight. I got to tell them that the KKK is involved. The FBI isn't listening. Everything's stacked against me.

But when he sees Eric July, he's like, that fucking idiot just couldn't respond to criticism. Right? So when they get close to it, they're like, they start to think, uh-oh, wait, am I? I'm not like this retard, am I? No, I hate this guy even more. So they hate each other, like the Legion of Doom, right? Like Lex Luthor. Like those guys can never.

Yeah, they always fuck up each other's plans. Because they get all, they hate's plans. Because they hate each other. Brainiac, why would you launch a freeze attack at the same time I emerge from the sewer? How do I tolerate your incompetence, Brainiac? But then in the Justice... Curses! In the Satellite Batman, it's like, well, you know, at least you tried.

He's always trying to be a nice guy. That's like me. I'm looking so forward to seeing how this situation develops, but I do believe Eric July. I'll say this. Eric July is a dummy, but I think he's smart enough to know that there's not really anything he can get from Maddox that is going to help him in any way. He could.

Man, those guys would be unstoppable if they teamed up. I would watch that podcast endlessly. I would have a real good time with it. What if you took Maddox's ability? What if Eric July took his 3D rendering and gave it to Maddox so he could meet a deadline? Yeah. And Maddox took his being able to read a little bit and gave it to Eric July. I don't think Eric July can read a little bit.

Here's my 3D rendering. And Maddox is like, I noticed you're having trouble reading that. Eric, let me help you out. It says, you got, as long as he's not being recorded, he can read. He just has to have this, Maddox has to have this face whenever he's reading. Hey, come on. This is stalking behavior, Dick. You're stalking right now.

You can't be doing that. Speaking of which, stalking, maybe Maddox can defend the warehouse, which has again been breached. Oh, yeah. Like I said, there's too much to talk about. Another person infiltrated the gate. Chris Bacon. He's bringing home the bacon. Yeah. Infiltrated the Riververse compound. Sizzrated the gate. Chris Bacon. He's bringing home the bacon. Yeah.

Chris Bacon infiltrated the Ripaverse compound. Sizzling. The bacon. Took a picture of the front door. I don't even think we need. It's boring to anyone else. No, just keep talking for a second. Well, he went in.

He infiltrated the Ripaverse security. He somehow dodged the waves, the hail fire of bullets. This is the sound that I play when I hear Chris Bacon is doing one of his spreadsheets. The bacon sizzling. Yeah! The bacon is sizzling! That man does love his spreadsheets.

He's sizzling on his spreadsheets in there. Cooking up spreadsheets and projections. Oh yeah! My name's Chris Bacon and I'm sizzling. He's been good at Tracking the sales Of the Ripperverse And we appreciate that

Alright are you gonna do A problem He outed your trick That if you put The amount of comics You're buying To like a billion He said it

It doesn't matter It doesn't matter It doesn't matter Don't say it Okay I know he outed it Okay go But don't say it. Okay. I know he outed it, but don't say it. Do your problem then.

Alright, alright, alright. Never seen you move that fast. Dick, you know, I should have sent you a link, but... Look, I got a good thing going here. You guys are trying to ruin it. Do you know how many people have to DM and go, hey, shut the fuck up? Do you want to bring up this video of our good friend Larry David on the Today Show? Yeah, why not?

Really? Yeah. Can we see two seconds of that just to put it in context? Sean and I were talking about this. This week comedian Larry David appeared on morning television. Elmo who had recently gone viral.

Oh, this is The View. I don't want to watch The View talking about it. No, but it is. It was on the Today Show. Oh, okay. Man, I got to watch a TikTok. I got to do a puzzle now? What the fuck?

I'll find it. Get out of here. I'm right about to get it. Call a reporter. There. It's a minute 30. Let's just say Elmo is not happy. Oh, they always do all...

Here we go. Here we go. Okay, hold on. Let me put it in context. Elmo went viral because he asked everybody how they were doing, and everybody on Twitter trauma-dumped on Elmo for some reason. He's just a little fucker. Don't ask like you're a nice guy if you're not going to sit there and listen to everyone's fucking problems, man.

I think he did listen to everyone's problems, but everybody took it way too serious, and they're like, well, my dad died, Elmo, and I don't know what to do about it. No, fuck Elmo. I fucking hate Elmo. I've hated him since the second I saw him. He's a little fruit. I'm a little indifferent. Anyway, he went on the Today Show to do about it. No, fuck Elmo. I fucking hate Elmo. I've hated him since the second I saw him. He's a little fruit. I'm a little indifferent. Anyway, he went on

today's show to talk about it. Right here. By walking onto an unrelated live segment. And he takes a swing and Elmo's dead! Drink Elmo, grabbing the puppet's face and he just walks away. Look at his face. He's so...

He does take a swing at the dad. The moment did not seem to be planned, given the looks on everyone. Did not seem to be planned. Oh, because Larry said... I don't think it was planned. Larry said Elmo was... Elmo was... How would they fucking plan that?

Then you get up and strangle Elmo and beat his dad who's black and was just talking about how hard it is for black people on fucking television. We watched that clip, right? Or did you watch that on your show? I forget. All these anti-white people clips just run together. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. They cut to it.

Well, they cut away from... Permission to touch people, Larry. Well, they cut away from... Elmo's dad does not approve. Elmo's dad is a bitch. He's a race hustler. He is kind of a race hustler. He was going on about Black Lives Matter at one point. And he's so, like, overly affected over everything he says. Right. Point is...

I fucking hate that whole family. The whole Elmo family. Yeah. Yeah. I even hate Mr. Noodles. Is he... Was that Elmo's caretaker or something? Some kind of pedophile Elmo hangs out with. Well, Elmo's had the intelligence of a three-year-old for 40 years, so he's like a mentally retarded adult, right? Elmo?

Yeah. That's the character. Yeah. I don't think that's his real dad. Anyway, so this happened. Yeah. Elmo was doing this dumb bit about how we all need to deal with our personal trauma. And that we need to give Elmo, like we need to trust Elmo and the Sesame Street

brand with this feeling we have inside of having been abused. Yes. That's what they're going for. David should have chopped his head off. Well, yeah. Maybe they'll be going to sell Sesame Street branded therapy. Why not? They're getting all these stupid people excited about it.

Sesame Street reuptake inhibitors. Larry David reacted as we would, like any rational human being did, and said, can I shut this fucking puppet up because this segment is terrible and moronic when he's a hero for doing so but my problem is not this Elmo situation is the reaction by one certain individual who I have always despised and I think we should all despise oh yeah a man named Will Wheaton are you aware of Will Wheaton dick Wesley Crusher Wesley Crusher

uh what's going on with your nose? I'm leaking. You got like a... Not that you can have. Put your gross nose all over. Sorry. Use your jacket. Yeah, maybe I will.

I think I'm good now. Take your shirt off. Use that. All right. I think someone's going to help me out. Give me a tissue. You can use this light bulb. See, the show would...

You know, you have so much trash on the table, you think you could have, like, some napkins or, like, some, I don't know, breath mints. How long do you think a napkin's going to last with how much beer has been spilled in here? Zero snacks on this table. It's a nightmare. Oh, yeah, you ate all your Tim Tams. I did?

No, I didn't eat those Tim Tams, did I? Tappin' to them. Johnny came in, he's like, where's Vito's Tim Tams? I ate, like, one of those. I don't like those things. I almost got it. Threw it at my head. All right.

Will Wheaton. Yes. Wesley Crusher from Star Trek The Next Generation. Also the lead in the movie Stand By Me, if you're a fan of that movie. No. It's all right. Wasn't he also in Toy Soldiers? Remember Toy Soldiers?

I don't know. It's about a... With't he also in Toy Soldiers? Remember Toy Soldiers? I don't know. It's about a... With the robots? No, no. It's about... That was Small Soldiers. That was a good movie. Well, he's not in that.

Well, he should have been. No, Small Soldiers was the one where it's like a boarding school for boys gets taken over by a military group and all the kids have to... Whatever. Anyway, Wil Wheatonaton in an expletive filled post on Facebook lambasted the creator of Seinfeld and Curb Your Enthusiasm, calling

the Elmo incident appalling, unforgivable, and despicable. Oh yeah, he was really going nuts. Oh, this was, so here's the thing about Will Wheaton. He sucks. Something dumb will happen, and you're like, ah, that's funny and dumb, about Will Wheaton. He sucks. Something dumb will happen. You're like, ah, that's funny and dumb.

And Will Wheaton will lose his mind and post these long, insane rants. He said when he was young, he was abused by his father. Not enough. No. When Larry David grabbed the Muppet by the face and pretended to punch it. The negative memories returned. So his PTSD was triggered by this situation. He says, full disclosure, when I was growing up, my dad would grab me by the shoulders and shake me while screaming in my face.

He was always out of control, always in a furious rage. I'm a 51-year-old man, and my heart is pounding right now. I'm still a little gay. Well, this is pretty gay. Recalling how I felt as a little boy who loved Grover the way today's kids love Elmo. Oh, you fucking sellout. You fuck. This despicable act.

Elmo is no Grover Wesley Crusher, you piece of shit. It's more than one raw nerve for me. And I wish I could have been there to defend Elmo. It seems to be what he's saying. Elmo's like the Dr. Phil of Muppets. He has these big promises and folksy bullshit.

I feel like we have a dual problem. The problem is Elmo and Wil Wheaton. I fucking hate Elmo. I'm happy doing both. I agree. He took over Sesame Street. Yes, the Elmo generation. You know who else hates Elmo? Jordan Peterson. Like,

will post, because he is Elmo. He has a whole section in his book about how Elmo is destroying a generation and he's constantly tweeting about it. You know what? That might be one of the parts I agree with him on. I did want to give you a couple other Will Wheaton scenarios,

because I've been tracking this guy for a while. I'll have you. Okay, here's the problem. Will Wheaton was the first celebrity nerd. So all of this YouTube nerd culture that you're aware of right now is his fault. That Ready Player One book, which is complete trash, and all these fucking endless YouTubers talking about it. Bro. The movie was kind of it. His fault. That Ready Player One book, which is complete trash, and all these fucking endless YouTubers talking. It's not good. Bro. The movie was kind of fun.

Yeah, oh, it's so cool. Driving backwards. Look, everything we're on are brother zones. Whoa! No one ever thought they had giants here. Oh my god. I can't believe it. Why don't you just write a book with your own characters? The book is infinitely worse because it has even more parts. There's a part in Ready Player One

where he has to do the entire movie, not Ferris Bueller's Day Off, but another one of those movies, like Heathers or something, where he has to recite every line of dialogue and play the part of the main character to win a challenge. And you're like, this is moronic. What the fuck are you doing? Yeah, the 80s were

cool, but not without all the stuff that was not Steven Spielberg. Yeah, exactly. What's happening here. I haven't seen the movie, but they changed a lot. Also, in the book, he's a big fat kid. Oh, that would have been better. Yeah, because he lives in that trailer and he's just in VR all the time.

Collecting toys and stuff. Yeah, he was me, basically. I auditioned for the movie and they said we decided to go in a different direction. Then we read your pedophile online. Yeah, we read your pedophile and we decided not to do the big fat guy. Will Wheaton had a show called Tabletop, where he plays tabletop games. And one of the things about the show is they would constantly get the rules of the game wrong. Oh.

And he, you know, instead of going, here's what you do in that situation. You go, hey, guys, we got the rules wrong. You know, we apologize. We're going to do much better. Here's what you do in that situation. You go, hey, guys, we got the rules wrong. You know, we apologize. We're going to do much better.

He went on his website and posted an insane rant about how his producer was the, he's like, I trusted this guy to get the rules of Kingdom Builder right. Man, he needs to go to therapy. Dude, he absolutely needs to go to therapy. And by therapy, I mean he needs to get his ass kicked. Yeah. Okay. A fan made, you know how Legos, right? You know how people make little custom figures of the Legos?

Yeah. Okay. Somebody made a bunch of next generation Legos, right? You know how people make little custom figures of the Legos? Yeah. Okay. Somebody made a bunch of next generation Legos. Oh, cool. Yeah. It's a fan of your show. They made a bunch of Legos of your show. They gave us a little rainbow.

Well, yeah. They had Wesley Crusher in the rainbow shirt, and they made Wesley's figure was the only one that was crying like a bitch. So it's just Picard and Latroy and Riker, and they're all standing proudly, and Wesley's just going, wah! That's great. Now, here's what you do. You gotta roll with the punches, right?

You go, ah, that's fun. I get it. You know, my character was a little crybaby. Wil Wheaton goes, in this particular custom set, Wesley is depicted as a crying child. Wesley, you. That's not just disappointing to me. It's insulting and demeaning to everyone who loved that character. People loved Wesley and were inspired by him to pursue careers in science and engineering.

I guess the character they loved was a crybaby. So just fucking blow hard. He's taking credit for science. Yeah, he thinks he pushed a bunch of kids into STEM. When somebody says, oh, Captain Picard, you're, like, one of the reasons I love space, you go like, well, you know, I'm, you know, happy that you liked it so much. You don't go, I

pushed a bunch of people into math by doing my show! Especially because you're not actually a science math whiz. You played one on TV. Okay? So you didn't actually... Yeah. This guy is the worst. Wait, wait, wait.

Make it so. Let me see if this is... Damn it. I thought it would be right at the spot. Do it. Is it this? Shut up, Wesley. Yeah, there it is.

Shut up, Wesley. Shut up, Wesley. He hates. Right? He hates. Shut up, Wesley. Shut up, Wesley. You know how I hate going on Twitter and I make a post and it goes, yeah, but you're

a pedophile? Yeah. Well, we, and every time he says anything, they just post this clip. So I can identify. I do identify with that. I get it. Shut up, Wesley. Shut up, Wesley.

Yeah, you can tell Picard is like channeling his real self. Yeah, he's like, I actually hate this guy. Did you ever see how they wrote him? Did you ever see how they wrote Wesley off the show? Did you watch Star Trek? He went to the Academy. He went with Q or something. He went with the Traveler, who is like an interdimensional being.

A weird Q. A homeless Q. What you said made way more sense. Like, yeah, he goes to the Academy. That's how you write him off the show. And so they're like, no, because then he might be able to come back. So we have to manifest a space serial killer. Wesley, you are so interesting.

Why don't you travel the cosmos? He went off with a space pedophile. Basically, mom, was the episode. Yeah. It's not a very good mom. Hey, mom, this strange older man wants to take me on a trip around the cosmos. Will I have any way of contacting you? No, I'm just going to go with it.

All right. Have fun. I don't even care. Shut up, Wesley. Wesley, or sorry, Will Wheaton. This means an acting ensign, but shut up, Wesley. Yeah. He's, uh, why doesn't he just accept it?

Just go, yeah, I'm a goof. You know, I was a goof on the show, but, you know, I'm just here to have fun. Because he's a fucking child actor. He probably got raped by every guy on the Enterprise. He's genuine. Probably twice by actor. He probably got raped by every guy on the Enterprise. He's genuine. Probably twice by data. He's fucking insane.

He's so bad of an actor that basically everybody who was on Star Trek The Next Generation got to do a guest starring role on that Picard show. They even brought Whoopi Goldberg back to run the fucking bar. It's like, no, Wil Wheaton can host the after show where he talks about, wow, that episode was really good. I'm so excited about Star Trek. Yeah, but he was a good actor.

Yeah, he was a good kid actor. I believe that he was really flying his shit. He believed he was a shitty, annoying little kid. Yeah. One of the worst things Wil Wheaton does,

do you know the block list debacle? No. Because, you know, you would think Wil Wheaton, all the liberals must love him because he's a big pussy

talking about his trauma and whatever else. He's trying to ruin America and fuck up our hobbies and stuff. He doesn't take accountability or anything and he blames everybody else for his problems. I feel like you're just describing me. I feel like you're throwing shade. About

eight years ago, when Twitter was getting really exciting, right? We're all hyped up on Twitter. It was like a new, fun thing. That was when the N-words and the brands were crossing. Yes. Now it's just brands. It was the Wild West. And at this time, Will Wheaton was blocking toxic people on Twitter.

That's cool. People who are Twitter, he wanted them not to be seen. Ended up with a block list of several thousand names. And it wasn't just his accounts that he blogged. It was also accounts from other people that he knew, and they said, oh, let me add to your block list. Here's another 400 names, 800 names. Will Wheaton, who was a very influential figure in these gaming nerd spaces,

pinned to the top of his Twitter was, here is my block list. You can copy it and use it and weed out all the negativity in your life. Okay. What he didn't realize was some of the people who had sent him names for the list were, like, notorious TERFs,

like people who hate trans people. Okay. So he was spreading an influential block list to his network of, of like connected Hollywood people. Yeah. And all these trans people were like, hey, why can't I get anyone to notice the stuff I'm doing? Why am I blocked? That's a trans person's fucking biggest problem.

Why isn't anyone paying attention to me? How come no one's paying attention to me? No, but the point is they were like making art and like trying to get jobs. And they're all of a sudden blocked by all these influential industry people who they could theoretically be connecting with because Wil Wheaton set up this- Sorry, this is part of your problem for voting Wil Wheaton up? Wil Wheaton set up a black- He set up an industry blacklist, basically. Hmm.

He made his own- Did Hollywood recover from that? Well, it's not just trans people. It was just all sorts of people all of a sudden were cut out. Because his blacklist was the biggest blacklist. I think they had a website for it. And everybody was copying and pasting it. And all these creatives didn't even realize that they were on it. And they're like, wait, why am I blocked by these directors and studios I want to work for?

I'm going to start slitting my wrists right now. Well, this is the reason. You don't have to agree with it. Who gives a shit? These people do. Fuck them. I'm just saying, this is why people hate him on all sides. They could write Booker Man the movie.

Yeah, our side hates him for being a whiny pussy. Booker Man the game. The trans people hate him for getting them all blocked. Called PewDiePie a Nazi and then doubled down on that. Guys, just this Wil Wheaton guy, he's no good. He's a real jerk. See, if you had a time machine, who would you? Never mind.

Can we do less time machine bits? We already go back and visit our old black grandfather every episode. I think we've traveled back in time enough times with this thing. Wil Wheaton is my problem, and I'm going to double it up and say Elmo. Elmo's my problem. Alright, Elmo's Dick's problem. Me as an acting ensign. Shut up Wesley. Yeah. God, that was

great. You're not allowed to take Elmo. It's like a split problem. If that wins, it's a tie. No. I brought in the Elmo stuff. You didn't even bring that shit in. You didn't even bring that shit in. You didn't send me a fucking link. Then you yelled at me when I got the wrong one.

Elmo and Will Wheaton. Will Wheaton. And he spells his name with a one L. Is that right? Yeah. What an idiot. He's insane. Can you imagine someone makes a Lego of you and you can't just go?

You know how on this show people send in art? Look, that's all of me. You know how people send in art of me raping a cat girl and surrounded by junk food and trash? Wait, I got a new art for you. Hold on. Great. That reminds me. Okay.

And you know what I do? I go, oh, not this again. And I laugh along with it. I don't go, guys, I inspired many children to get into being fat, lazy Star Wars YouTubers. What if one day you could say you inspired somebody to lose weight? Oh, you can say that. A lot of people say they got so angry at you not losing any weight. Yeah, they got inspired to lose more weight than me to prove that I'm a lazy sack of shit.

I got it. Yeah. Wait, someone sent this in. Let's see what you think about it. All right. I had them send, the first one I couldn't show. But this one I can. Great.

Uh-huh. Have you not seen this? I have not seen this. It's a missing fucking panel from your... No, it's not. ...comic. It's not what it is. It's a real official panel that was missing.

No, that's not how this works. You can already see what I had them... What I asked them to censor. Shrink that window. I'm fucking doing it. No, I'm saying shrink that because it's too big. Yeah, shrink it down. What the fuck?

And then pull that thing down. That's not going to do anything. Your window. What the fuck? Make that bigger. Zoom in again. Zoom in again. I'm going to do this first.

There you go. All right. Okay, it says super killer. See, the tits are the right size. Why did he censor? Shut size. Why did he censor? Shut up. Why did he censor the word blank and wrench? Hand me that type of a wrench.

I don't know why he didn't leave the N at the beginning so you know what he censored. Okay, I figured it out. More fucking half-assery. I figured it out. Hand me that blank wrench. And then the lady that's- Basketball loving wrench, yeah. The lady that's obviously his sidekick because of the size of her tits says,

I hate when people use that word. That bias is unique to your paradigm. It's what the tool is called here. Slavery never happened in this universe, he says. Actually, billions of universes and yours is the only one it did. Great. So she's from the slavery universe. Do you have a joke as good as that in your comic?

The joke is that in a universe where slavery doesn't exist, you're allowed to toss the N-word around. Is that the joke? Yes. And actually, in billions of universes, slavery didn't happen and yours is the only one it did. And she's like, God, I feel so stupid. She didn't do slavery.

She's white. So all her white guilt is useless in other universes. Right. That's the joke. Okay, I'll put that in the comic. Okay. Here's my problem. I gotta bring up this Twitter that you did. Why is the problem my Twitter?

Vito's Twitter. Vito being Vito. Why don't you do Stock Tip Vito? Because that's a better bit. Are you making a lot of... I'm getting DMs from guys going, Vito, we're making big money this week. Shit. I thought I had this copied, but I guess I don't. Stock Tip Vito made one guy.

Yeah. I don't know exactly how much he made, but he sent me a thank you. I don't know what he meant. Palantir, baby. I told you. Yeah don't know what he meant. Palantir, baby. Veto on Twitter. I told you. Veto on Twitter. Did you find that?

Veto being Veto on Twitter. What are you looking for? I'm looking for when you said that new math is good because my problem is common core math. I'm going to go to my page and hit the media tab.

Oh, wait. I might have retweeted it. Here's something about Nick Fuentes. Here, I'll look for it while you talk about it. How's that? What is wrong with new math, Dick? Well, I'm not going to talk about it until you get it up.

You just undid all my work by scrolling up to the top. Because I'm going to go to my page, but I don't have the keyboard, so you have to type in a V at the top. Vito Comedy. You screwed it up, because now... Ha ha! I did that! Well. New math is great. Let's go. Find it up because now. Ha ha, I did that. Well, new math is great. Let's go.

Find it. Find it. I am going to find it. You're talking about the RV that you want, the weird creepy RV for 800 bucks. It would be cool to have an RV. Are you going to do a lot of camping in it? I want to, whenever I go to Vegas, I sleep in my car. It would be better if I had an RV.

It would. You sleep at like a Walmart? Yeah. No, I sleep in my car. It'd be better if I had an RV. It would. You sleep at like a Walmart? Yeah. No, I sleep... I swear to God, I copied this. My buddy was at a hotel. Don't worry, I'll find it in two seconds. My buddy was at a hotel, and I just stayed in the parking lot, and then I used his hotel shower, and it was great. Maddox is calling you a thief. Did you

see that? I did see that. I think Maddox, who said he loved me, has decided he doesn't love me. Oh, wait. Wait, wait, wait. I found it. Okay. Hold on. Oh, man. I feel like I'm real close. I know, but I know 100% where it is. Right there. Oh, you did save it. Yeah, I did save it. Okay.

This is me saying that teaching kids math is good. Yeah, this is somebody that said, I don't have the patience for this, what I should be expecting with kids' homework. They playin' in kids' faces too much. I believe this comes from Black Twitter. Doesn't matter what race he is.

Black Twitter struggling with 12 minus 2. Well, cuz, what the fuck is this? This is 12 minus, what's 12 minus 3? What's the minus of 12 and 3? Well, first I would take 12. Just say what it is. And I would minus 2. No, you wouldn't do that.

It's not- What's the minus of 12 and 3? 9. 9. There you go. You don't need- what is this box? 12 is minus 3, and 3 is split into 2 and 1? What if it was-

What? You have to fill in the- what the fuck are you supposed to fill in this box? 1. How do you know that? Because I'm not a fucking idiot Yes, if your first instinct is to write one there You're a fucking idiot Because none of that means anything It's just boxes connected to other boxes

Okay, they could have put a little plus between them I guess to make it easier Yes, a symbol Like a standard symbol that you can learn But you don't have to use it to other people The point is that they tell the kids it easier. Yes, a symbol. Like a standard symbol that you can learn and that you can transmit to other people. The point is that they tell the kids this is what the boxes are just because you can't figure it out because they haven't told you

yet, but they tell the kids what it is. If I see 12 minus of 3, 9. I don't need a bunch of boxes. Because you're an adult who's been doing math your whole life. These are kids and they're just figuring it out. My nephew called me up this week and said my sister's

very upset. He missed a day of school and they're just starting with dividing fractions. Can you help him? Can you help him out? I said, yeah, what's going on? Let me see this. And I look at it and it's like two and five thirds divided by, with a divided by

sign, six and seven eighths i'm like what the fuck is this so i said all right uh well let me see the instructions at the top and it's like a bunch of goddamn boxes drawn all over the place like look man uh i'll be honest with you i got no fucking i got no idea what this is supposed to be, but I'll show you how to do this weird problem that no one in the history of humankind has ever done. So you taught him how to do it wrong. I taught him how to do it expediently and correctly.

Against the teacher's instructions. Yes, and I think that's my bigger point. Common core math is retarded. How white is your nephew? He's nearly 100% white. Okay.

75. Yeah, he's going to figure out math. Okay. Number one. Number one. Stupid people who don't get math cannot be taught math. That's number one point. They can be taught shortcuts, though.

No. They cannot. And it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter because they'll never need it. They'll just be getting welfare for the rest of their lives. Number one, stupid people cannot be taught math. Number two, everybody from a very young age, kids, are taught that everything they do in life is perverted and destroyed because of the 10% of retards in their class who are never gonna learn it,

who can't learn it, and who will not use it for anything. So they're sitting there like they're in a fucking prison trying to pretend that these boxes are a good way of explaining something for this kid in the class or, number three, the teacher is too stupid

to explain how to do it correctly to kids so they made up this cockamamie system that nobody can intuitively understand i intuitively understand it you didn't because you already know no but i'm saying like all they're doing is teaching kids like the way you're supposed to do math in your head which i wish they had taught me in school like if you have i wish you had learned with stupid little boxes? If you had 120 minus 25. Yes, like now, obviously, you can figure it out quicker. But if you're not as good at it, you can go, okay, 120 minus 25.

Well, I'll take away the 20 from 120, and then I have an even 100, and there's five left over, so I'll take away the five. Where is that in the box? The one and the two. Okay, you start with getting the 12 down to a 10. Because a 10 is easy. So you take two away from the 12. We had that already with the little lines. Remember when you write them down like a 12 and then under it you write,

we already had that. But you want not. We already fucking had that system. They just made it boxes. We all have phones with calculators, so whatever. The point is that you want people to not have to rely on a pen and paper paper you don't want to lie on a calculator and they can simply do it if you're doing minuses of anything bigger than 10 i want you using a calculator i think because i'm going to use a calculator when you tell me because i'll probably be drunk or high on fentanyl when i'm

doing this math i think the point is that when kids learn like this kind of like simple logic and how to break things down into smaller pieces, it's not limited to math. It's like your brain genuinely... So it's overall, it's helping people think more better. It adds to your cognitive abilities and process. I think this is what drives me insane about it. It's people explaining

the concept of smartening up the whole universe. Like doing these dumb boxes that no one's ever done and that haven't been proven to work at all is, like, part of this... I think they have... There's probably studies.

This five-year plan... What facts do you have to back up your claim? Here you go. Here's this. I don't know. I mean, it's not a bunch of boxes. That's bullshit. It's not a bunch of fucking boxes,

but what do you call... This is when Common Core Math was in 2010. Oh, yeah. Right there. What does this look like? I mean, I'm so fucking stupid, I just know how to do math when I look at it. Yeah, the only thing making kids dumber is the boxes on the math test. Sorry, here it is.

This is what we call a flat plateau. Pretend it's a stock. Would you buy this as a stock? More people buy ice cream in summer, so ice cream must be tastier. Would this stock be a good investment for you? They must make it better during the summer months. They must use better ingredients. See, this is fucking tanking off a

fucking cliff right there. Not because of COVID. Sure. More people kill themselves in the winter. Santa Claus only appears in the winter, so I think Santa Claus is causing all these suicides. They teach that in Common Core? They just bring up random shit instead of just, this is the math that we're teaching them? This is their fucking math scores? Look, the kids are retarded. They all got out of school because of COVID, and now they're coming back, and they're dumb.

Every single comment I see about it is some Redditor shit saying, well, I know, actually, I know some engineers, and this is how they do it. And I think, well, yeah, but how come it's never an engineer saying it? It's always some shithead who says, I know, and I know a bunch of high level math people and they do it. It's never, it's never someone going, I'm a high level math person. I wish I was taught how to be a total fucking retard in class and add with boxes and shit. I think there's value to, uh, giving kids, uh kids tools they can use mentally. I think it will remap some of those brain pathways and get them thinking smarter and more efficiently.

You really believe that, don't you? I actually do, yeah. You think we can make people smart? Well, no. We can train a 26-year-old woman to sit a person down with a couple boxes and that this will be a positive thing that will result in that. Bring their IQ points up like 5, 10 points, right? You can't bring IQ up at all. Oh, of course, yes you can.

No. Stuck? No, that's not how it works. It's definitely how it works. What do you call it? No, because IQ scores raise depending on your household. You can come in real low. Household incomes affect IQ scores.

Yeah, because. Economic backgrounds. Just like talking to kids. But you can't go... You're stuck at a certain point. You can't get above that. You can go low. You're saying at a certain age you're stuck? No, I'm saying you're as stupid as you are. You're in a range. You can go below. You can test below

what you are, but you can never get above it. Well, as a genius myself, I don't know exactly what that would feel like But uh I think we can equip people with certain skills Teachers think it's great? No

Redditors think it's great? Sure Liberals think it's great That's why I like it Three strikes buddy No Three strikes Three homers

Three of the dumbest people on the fucking planet Teachers Redditors, liberals. Interesting. Did you see that study? You should try to help a kid. I mean, a virtual kid. Try to help a kid do this shit.

I'm helping my nephew. I'm going to groom them into becoming a math whiz. Like, man, don't do this shit. Just do what I'm telling you to do. Did you see that study going around about how liberals, of course, have a higher average IQ than conservatives? Yeah, average. Yeah. So maybe trust us to make your kids not dummies.

Oh, yeah. And if we teach them to cut off their dicks, well, that's just a side effect of teaching them about the boxes. So IQ matters when it's politics. Yeah. Any other IQ studies you want to throw out? I think we've talked about IQ on this show too many times. Just tell me these are good examples. Here, I'm going to go through.

What's a good example? This is Common Core math, that they're making kids cry. See, they make the smart kids feel bad because smart kids know math right away. Smart kids, you've got to put them in a separate class for smart kids. And we have those. We did away with all those. Not all of them. Yeah.

They let stupid kids into them. Yeah. I mean, there's the high schools in New York where they're like, eh, we feel bad that not enough black kids are getting in or, you know, any kind of kid, whatever. Here, Vito. Here's the minus of 82 and 49. Don't look at the screen. What's the minus of 82 and 49?

Well, I would add one to, I have to look at the numbers. I would add minus of 82 and 49? I would add 1 to I have to look at the numbers. I would add 1 to 49 to get to 50. That's smart. That's a good strategy. 32 plus 50 would equal 82. Yeah, so you take that 1 away. 32 plus 1. I'll take it away.

33. Here's how Common Core does it. There's a bunch of goofy hopping around. Start at 49. Do 10 hops up. And then do... This is like how an old lady or a child... That seems like a reasonable way to do it.

I can see doing that as well. Oh, man. It's very frustrating. I like to aim to get to round numbers first. Very frustrating. Very frustrating to see children suffer. I mean, I'm pretty good at math. I loved math as a kid.

I just stuck with it. It's the teachers ultimately who feel good about this. That they're doing something good. And they're the last people who should feel good. Did you see the video of students walking out to protest a cell phone ban on campus? That's good. I support them. You know, the more I think about it, I do support them.

I think we should just stop having mandatory public school. We can't do that. It's too much money. What do you mean? For whom? Well, you got to pay the teachers. Do you understand how many women are being supported by that system? Just give them UBI.

We don't have enough OnlyFans for all those women. There's always room. That already is UBI. Yeah. What about all the women with jobs that send emails all day? What do you do with them? They gotta have babysitters for their kids. I think once these kids reach the age where they can navigate the internet,

that's it. You can get whatever information you want or don't want. If you're a kid who wants to learn math, sure, you can stay in school and do that, but most kids clearly don't give a shit about that. You can admit that we don't need all this math. I think most kids, when you hit 14, either decide to keep doing math or go big and become a TikTok viral sensation. Yeah.

And just do your TikTok videos, kids. You're nailing it. Do stunts. 25 to 35% of students struggle with math. They don't need it. Why would you struggle? It's not important. Get rid of it.

Who cares? Yeah. It's only for the smart kids. I have something else, too, but who cares? Okay, new math. So we're going back to the 60s. Why don't you complain about the... I would prefer to go back to the 1800s.

Are you going to complain about the metric system next? Metric. Yeah, I don't like the... What do you complain about the I would prefer to go back to the 1800s You're gonna complain about the metric system next? I love the metric Yeah, I don't like the What do you like, the metric? Oh, yeah, of course, Redditor You love the metric system, right? The metric system, base 10, man It's a lot easier

Does that trip you up a lot? Measuring shit and having to convert it Into another thing? It's a little weird You find yourself having like a gallon You're like, I gotta convert this into a cubic hectare. I constantly have to go online and be like, okay, how many millimeters? Because I'm always ordering shit from China and it goes like, oh, it's 122 millimeters.

I'm like, okay, well, how many inches is that? Why don't you know the metric version? Because I haven't internalized it. I wish that it was the standard. You need somebody to make you a bunch of magical boxes and shit. Because I have an imperial ruler in my house, and that's... Yeah. There you go.

Okay. Lowest. Math scores dropped to the lowest level in decades. Wow. So Dick hates that children are learning. They're not. And I do. It's torturing for them.

Just let them sit in class and play Fortnite. Well, yeah. I mean, that teacher who took away her student's switch Is the greatest demon who ever walked this earth That child is a hero For getting a switch back You think you're a good person because you support this shit Right And it's making society better

I'm not saying I'm a good person I just think it's stupid to rally against it I think that's how everyone does math in their head So why not teach it to kids Alright What You're not like suspicious at all when against it. I think that's how everyone does math in their head. So why not teach it to kids? Alright. What? You know, you're not like suspicious at all when everything promoting it. Suspicious? When everything promoting is like, well then we get more kids into STEM.

Like, how many fucking engineers and scientists do you think we're gonna have because you taught them how to add with a bunch of fucking boxes? I don't know. I don't know why everyone's obsessed with STEM and making women get into it when they care. Yeah. Because they think it's easy. What if a lady made a robot? I don't know. I don't know why everyone's obsessed with STEM and making women get into it. Why do they care? Yeah. Because they think it's easy. What if a lady made a robot? I don't know.

You see that thing? Why are all the robots white? It's like, I don't know, man. Why do you care? Do you want black robots? Because that's slavery. You don't want that. Make them brown. So they can be Mexican or Indian. Here comes, you know what? Anything I would say would just sound racist.

I was going to name a black robot, and let's not do that. Dick, what kind of computer you got there? Mac. Mac. Any other Macintosh products you own? Apple products? Yeah, everything, because they're good. Okay.

And they're expensive. So they're better. Oh, that's why they're better Because they're expensive Yeah Wow Well it sounds like I'm dealing Anyone who is a serious person Has Apple products

Yeah Because PCs and Androids are shit They're dog shit Is that why your mouse doesn't work? It's a PC That it doesn't work on Shithead

So why don't you just use it with the Mac? Because I'm not Because I'm not streaming on the fucking Mac Why are you not streaming from the Mac? Why are you streaming from PC then? Because the desktops are way too expensive. I can't afford that. Oh, they're too expensive.

Yeah, but then you see you have to suffer with this fucking shitty mouse. It's always messing up. Dick, my problem is Apple fanboys. There's something wrong with them, and they are idiots. Right. Currently, Apple has a new product, the Apple Vision Pro. It is a

virtual reality headset that they refuse to call a virtual reality headset because Apple is better than everyone. I think they call it a sensory magic whatever the fuck experience. Dick, do you know how much the Apple Vision Pro costs? Two grand. Higher. Three. Higher. Five. Dick, do you know how much the Apple Vision Pro costs? Two grand Higher

Three Higher Five Not that high Seven How high is it? Thirty-five hundred dollars To experience the future

Of sitting in your living room And projecting a TV In a place where you probably already have a TV Well Right now, the Vision Pro only exists Not to use it as a VR device, but to make stupid videos of you driving around

while wearing it to post on social media for points. That seems to be the only known function because everyone who has bought one is like, what the fuck is the point? I mean, I guess I can watch TV on it. It looks kind of cool. What do you mean? I mean, you can like... Does it look any more cool than any other VR headset? Yeah mean, you can like... Does it look any more cool than any other VR headset?

Yeah, because you can see through it. Like, I have the Quest, and it sucks because you can't see through it. You can't see through it, though. You can't? I thought that was the whole point. I thought that it... I'm pretty sure that it's a video... Wait, maybe you can see through it, but you can also put it down and have a video feed

of what you see. Well, you know, that's the same thing. Like, you're looking at what's around you. It's a little different. So you would want, if you got one for free, you would just not take it on principle? If I got one for free, like, that's a different thing. If it was like $200, if Google made one?

If it was $200, sure, yeah. The point is, it's $3,500. However, as we know, with Apple, the buck never stops in one place. It just keeps moving up. Thank you. Dick, the Vision Pro has about two hours of battery life. That's not very good.

Probably going to want an extra battery for that thing. What should a battery cost? I don't know. I can currently go on Amazon and get a big honking battery pack. Yeah, but they're selling this shit to rich people. Okay. Like, they don't want you. So what would be a reasonable surcharge for a battery pack that I can normally go on Amazon for 20 to 30 bucks?

1,200 bucks. For the Amazon, 800, 800 bucks. For the battery? Yeah. It's not that bad. Yeah, because normal people aren't worried about, like, swapping fucking batteries. Like, this is just- What are you talking about? It only gets two hours a thing.

You would want a battery for the fucking thing. You would. Anybody would. Because you want to be locked into it for like 10 hours jacking off. They show people going on the fucking subway with the thing, okay? You're walking around. Call it a subway ride. Where are you riding a subway?

You go, whatever. Here to China? So you got to charge the thing every two seconds. It's a 20 minute ride. You're going to want a battery. Shut the fuck up. Battery is $200. It's a deal. And it's a proprietary battery. It has a special

locking Amazon lock. Oh god, I know you Amazon buy your own cord. Fucking Android guys just love having, oh, look, this shitty micro USB. It can go in anything, but nothing uses it. I know USB cords can suck, but at least

everybody has them. Doesn't have to pay a bunch for it. Yeah. Dick, let's say you're a glasses wearer. Oh, man. Fuck them. Can't keep those on while using your Vision Pro. You're gonna have to pay $150 to get optical inserts. Isn't that fun? So we're already up to

almost $4,000. But it's for rich people. But it's not just for rich people. Like, you know? But it's not just for rich people. Yes, it is. It's also for dumb, poor people who have to buy the latest fucking, I get the new iPhone. It's a rose gold iPhone. I don't know.

Why am I doing that voice? Yeah, I don't know. I got to get new iPhone. Is most powerful iPhone. I don't think. Is that better? I don't think poor people are, because you mean black people. I didn't say black people.

Yeah. I could be any type of person. But I don't think they're getting on this. It's for rich, like, white people. People always buy the new iPhone. They think they need the new iPhone. The new iPhone's like 800 bucks and you get to like, It's like 1200 bucks.

It's to lay away. And, and, oh, lay away. Okay. It's like 40 bucks a month. You get, okay. You get the phone. You get the Vision Pro. What else do you get? You get the Apple

Care plan. Yeah, sure. $200 a month? $200? No. $250? For the Vision Pro, it is $500. I believe that's a yearly fee for Apple Care. How do you divide that by month?

$500 divided by 12. Yeah. Let's see your common core math. Well, $600 divided by 12 would be $50. Okay. So $500 divided by 12. I don't need the actual number. Okay. I don't have it.

It'd be slightly less than $60, right? Dick, it doesn't stop at just the Vision Pro. Of course, a Mac Pro, the desktop that you could have because you love Mac products so much. Starts at around $6,000 with all the bells and whistles can get up to $12,000. Of course, you're going to want to get the Pro Display Monitor for that. A monitor. A monitor, Dick. I've seen monitors. They're HD. They're 4K. I hate to break this to you, but people have more money for that. A monitor. A monitor, Dick. I've seen monitors.

They're HD. They're 4K. I hate to break this to you, but people have more money than you. I know, but it's... And they don't want to use a bunch of crap that fails all the time. It doesn't fail all the time. It's expensive for no reason. It's stupid.

No, it's expensive because it's built with titanium and stuff. But still, even the amount of shit that goes into it, the profit margin is fucking insane. It's worth it to pay that much money so people don't accidentally think that they're in the same class as you Android people. Like that's the real, the value of that is infinite. $5,000 for a fucking monitor. To not be green on someone's phone, you could charge a million dollars for that. I can't believe you're defending this. Dick, what do you think a monitor stand should cost?

The stand that the monitor goes on. Apple's making it. Kony? Sobe? Sobe. Mongdong? Or is it Apple? To get the stand.

Is it designed in America? That's what I want. $1,200. That's $1,000 for a monitor stand. Sign me up right now. That's a deal. No electronics in it. It is a hunk of metal that holds a monitor. $1,000 for a monitor stand Sign me up right now No electronics in it It is a hunk of metal that holds a monitor

$1,000 I'm sorry Who is talking about hunks of metal At least that's metal You're spending how much on fucking plastic I don't spend that much on plastic How much was your Final Fantasy figures That's different

Those are collectibles And I don't spend $1,000 on them either. Somebody did. They sent it in. In totality. You might have a chance of winning it tonight. Not only that, so you've spent $6,000 for a Mac Pro. So if somebody spent six grand on a Final Fantasy VII Windows computer that was one of a kind

and it was signed by yuffie or something or chocobo shit on it that's fine no that's still that's stupid too much it's too much dick okay look i'll say that if you're a working professional you want a top-of-the-line computer sure six thousand dollar mac pro might be in your wheelhouse i get it you can edit video on there you can do your photoshop still would be more cost effective To get a PC You would get a more powerful machine No because they break All the time

What are you talking about? Macs break too Do you own a Mac? My PC's not broken And I've had it for quite a while Uh Okay Thinking about upgrading

Yours hasn't broken Good for you Okay but the shit they nickel and dime Do you have a backup on it? I have back What do you mean? Do you have a backup on it? What do you mean? Do you use a backup service? Hard drives? Yeah.

I just have a bunch of hard drives that I back up to. You don't have an automatic backup service? No, I should get one. Yeah, but what do they charge you for that? It's worth it. Okay, well, maybe. I use the Apple backup service, so it's twice as much. Twice as much.

Yeah. I could get some sort of cloud. I got Google backing up all my pictures and stuff. Oh, man. You need to back that shit up. I do have a manual backup. Anyway, shut up. I have more stats, and I like them.

Okay. You get the MacBook Pro. Or the Mac. Sorry, the Mac Pro. I have a couple of those. The regular Mac Pro. You want me to touch one? I have extra ones that I don't even use anymore.

And you say, well, you know what? I don't like just having the feet on it. I want to put those little caster wheels, you know, like the ones on a cart that you use it anymore. And you say, well, you know what? I don't like just having the feet on it. I want to put those little caster wheels, you know, like the ones on a cart that you roll it around. Yeah, yeah, yeah. How much? Yeah. How much? $700 for four wheels.

Screw in? Yeah, of course they screw in. They're a little fucking stupid wheels. That's the thing. Everything Apple does and makes is like it works better than you think Everything else that you get works a little bit lesser than you thought

Let's say you got the wheels and you go You know what, I don't like the wheels anymore I want the feet Just four hunks of metal for the thing to sit on $300 So they're $100 each and they throw one in for free. It's a good deal.

That's a good deal. For free. And you can go to the Apple store though and they all like smile at you. Dick, 16 gigabytes of memory. That's not any memory. It's like a shitty amount of memory. Are you getting is this an ad for Newegg? No, Amazon. You can get 16

gigabytes of memory for $40. To get 16 gigabytes of memory for $40. Yeah? To get 16 gigabytes of memory for your Mac, that's two 8-gigabyte memory cards. Okay. $400. Oh, no. Yeah, oh, no. Oh, God.

That's retarded. Okay, Apple preys on stupid people who don't know the price of PC components, who care all about, oh, it's a brushed aluminum thing. Oh, it's just a way to like jerk off when someone comes over and you go, hey, have you seen my Mac, bro? Yeah, it's better. I bought the thousand dollar titanium stand. It's better. I'm better.

You never have to worry about it. The elitism of the Apple people. No, it works more better. It does not work more better. It works the same. You're talking to me like I just fucking arrived from Mars or something. Like I haven't used computers my whole fucking life.

I have also used my computers my whole life. But you don't- not Macs though! I don't use Macs. You don't use Macs, so you don't fucking know! You're sitting here talking about nickel and diming RAM. You would never do that in the Mac world. Cause I'm not gonna pay six grand to get a decent computer. I will just build one cause I'm not a

moron. If you had to use your computer for like work every day, you would buy a Mac. I would not buy a Mac. So why do you think all real professionals have Macs then? Because they're fart sniffing

pedophiles. And all their Apple hard drive. The only reason they expand their hard drive bay is to put more child pornography on there. All those people are sick in the head. They just like wasting money. Yeah, exactly. It's not at all because it works better, it works smoother. You don't have to update drivers.

Have you seen my Apple Watch? Yeah, is it better than a regular watch? No. What does it do? I can read my phone's text messages on my wrist. Isn't that what everyone wants to do? No. No one's ever wanted to do that at all. I don't wear my Apple

Watch because my real watch is more expensive. Well, there you go. I don't like the Apple Watch. It doesn't make any sense. Well, it's better than the alternatives. What, no watch? An Apple Watch, for what it, it's better than the alternatives. What, no watch? An Apple Watch, for what it does, is better than the knockoff version. They're all the same.

No, they're not. Oh, my God. I can check the weather on my wrist. It connects with all your other shit automatically. It always fucking works. It feels nice. There's no jagged edges or anything like that. And it does nothing of value except tell you the time, which you could get on your phone anyway.

Yeah. But every Apple person has to go, but you don't have a watch. Well, I'm part of the, yeah, you don't have a watch. Do you wear a watch? When I go out. Why? Because it looks cool. Okay.

So it's a functional accessory like all Apple. Because horses see it. Thank you. Very good point. It looks cool. It's not an Apple watch. That's all Apple shit. It's a fucking Omega.

Oh, I want you to get an Apple computer. Well, it's not better than regular computers. Yes, it is. It just looks cooler. It's not an Apple watch. That's all Apple shit. It's a fucking Omega. Oh, why'd you get an Apple computer? Well, it's not better than regular computers. Yes, it is. It just looks cooler. The computers are great. Look at my titanium stand. It was designed by- So what do you think about Unix?

It was designed by what? Joby? What the fuck's the name of the guy who designed all that shit? I'm Queer was his name. Yeah, I'm Queer designed. Look, and he studied radios from the 70s to come up with the iconic design, and then Steve Jobs put all his cancer energy. Why are you so jealous about it, though?

Because it's just shit. It's all shit. It's not. It is. It's great. It's a waste of money. It's stupid. You have some kind of bitterness about working professionals,

like real designers, because they all have these things, and they all buy them for the reason that they always work. Well, I don't actually know what people are editing video on now because they've all moved to Avid. It used to be Final Cut Pro, but Apple fucked that up real good.

Everybody hated Final Cut X. Well, when the time comes, you should give Apple a shot. I think I am going to upgrade my computer in the next period of time. Yeah? Going to get a big old... Have you seen all the Evangelion computer stuff?

No. See, I'll get that. Now, that's cool. How much is that? It's way overpriced. Evangelion memory stuff? It's almost as bad as the Apple stuff. Yeah.

It's like, do you want a graphics card? It's like, yeah. It's like, do you want a graphics card with Oscar on it? yeah. It's like, do you want a graphics card with Asuka on it? You're like, it's only an extra thousand dollars. Alright, my problem is freemium shit. Mm-hmm. Freemium shit. I forgot you were doing that

computer thing. I shouldn't have brought in another computer problem. Why? It's not a computer problem. It is, though, because I was messing around with the website and I was trying to put two-factor authentication on it so it doesn't get hacked, you know? I thought we already had that. We did, and then every time we logged in, you had to put in your two-factor authentication. Yeah, that sucks.

Fucking annoying, right? Yes. So every time I log in, two-factor, okay, two-factor. You're trying to make it so it saves it. I said, yeah, how about the remember me for 30 days shit, right? Like I do in everything else. So I go in the back end, I go, all right, where's the thing? Scroll down.

This is only available on our freemium on our premium oh you gotta pay for it so i go okay i'm not paying fucking 30 or whatever it is where's the free version of this uh remember every single fucking one yeah it's like an endless drug deal that's happening on everything not apple these things this is all open source well it's the uh it's the move from software from a you buy it and you're done model to a you gotta subscribe yeah do you want to do you want to not have to use your phone every single fucking time you log in yeah that's going to be $100 a year. $100 a year? You can't just buy it once. Well, buying it once is like... They have it set up so every single price point's things.

You know? We are fucked as a society if we don't push back against the endless subscription service model. They already lured us in with this Netflix shit. Yeah. We're like, ooh, it's just $12 a month. You got to get this. You got to get this.

Like, I have an art app on my tablet. I got to pay for that. Thankfully, my work covers my Adobe subscription. I probably shouldn't mention that because I think they've forgotten that I'm no longer working there, but they left me grandfathered in on the Apple apps. Nice.

Nicely done. If they need anything. Every single fucking thing. Yeah. Every single thing. It's going to be the point where you're going to go to McDonald's and be like, oh, yeah, you know, number one, exercise, supersize. And be like, all right, we got it ready. If you want it right now, it's going to be another 50 cents or we got to make you wait a cool off period.

You're on the McDonald's plus plan, right? Yeah. No. Ooh. You're on the McDonald's Pro plan. You got to be on the Pro Plus plan. Hold on. Let me get a – if you want to share your McDonald's membership with your family,

that's an extra $7.99 a month. That comes with one Happy Meal toy. But then you get five memberships. Yeah. I got six kids. Wow. Sorry. You're going to have to get the corporate package. Or you ever get like a-

The hundred memberships. You ever get a software and you're like, hey, let me put it on my other computer or my mobile device? And they're like, hmm. That's going to be a problem. You only got- Yeah. One license.

You can transfer the license, but you can only do it once every six months. Yeah. I'm so sorry about that. Sorry. Sorry. We're going to get you for that one. So I just gave in. I'm like, I'm tired of fucking looking at my phone every time I want to log

into the site. Fine. And it's so hard to keep track of how much you're paying for these subscription services because, you know, you don't have the boxes. You didn't learn the math. Then you can go on a site that tracks your subscriptions. Like, alright, save me some money.

Then you got to pay for that. Then you got to pay for that. It's like, you've reached your amount of detected subscriptions for this month. Do you write off your Netflix? No. I do. That's illegal. It's not illegal.

Don't talk about it on the air. That's, I review TV shows and movies. You know what? You YouTube guys You write off a lot of fun stuff And I support it But with Biden in the White House I wouldn't be talking about it

But I can Because if I review Star Wars shows Professionally I can write off the Disney Plus Because that's how I access shows Tell it to the IRS man The IRS doesn't give a shit About my $120 Disney account

I'm writing off my hats. Yeah. Well. I'm wearing them all on. You know what? I should write off my hats. That's costuming for the videos. Yeah.

You're going to write off your pirate costume? No. What are you talking about? I just returned it. But that was a good fit. No, I returned it until it says you don't have to send the items back. Yeah, okay. And then I just keep it.

So it's a different scam. Yeah. The IRS doesn't care about that. No, they don't care if you rip off Amazon. Don't worry, my PlayStation 5 controller broke. So on Amazon. Everything I buy on Amazon, I return to see if it says you don't have to send it back. Yeah.

All right, cool. I took my broken PS5 controller and threw it in the box and shipped it back to amazon i'm like why'd you guys send me a broken controller this is bullshit yeah i've done that one yeah that's a good scam yeah all right so our problems this week tinder's like that too i haven't been on tinder in a while but every time i see it it's like it's now you can pay 800 you gotta pay for it to give send likes or follows it'll say someone someone liked you someone wants to hop on your dick, but we're not gonna tell you who it is unless you pay five bucks. Hot singles are in your area. Hot singles are in my area.

Is there a package where I could know how heavy they are? No. Sorry. What about like a million bucks if I'm like a Saudi sheik? Then can I know how fat they are? Nah, sorry. Computer doesn't work like that. I should get on J-Date.

Because you think you're going to meet like a Hollywood executive? Yeah. Yeah, I knew it. Well, I was going to say, honestly. Honestly, yeah. I assume there's somebody in Hollywood who's like, man, if I get on J-Dead, I can make some ladies who are working at these studios. You think a nice Jewish girl in Hollywood is... Not that she's going to get me a job, but maybe your dad's a big-time producer and you marry into some money.

I've got to become Jewish, man. It would just be the number of doors that would open for me. I would be a great Jew. I love the Jews. Potato pancakes. I'm there for it. Not big on shellfish. I would be a great Jew. I love the Jews. Potato pancakes. I'm there for it. Not big on shellfish. You'd be a terrible Jew.

I would be a... Well, you're kidding me. I'll do anything for money. I'm like one of their people. See? You can't be saying that shit if you're Jewish. They say it all the time.

They do not say that. Racist people say that. Jews are always saying, you know, we love business. We love... You, okay, let's see you react to someone a goy like yourself saying something so

anti-Semitic. Oh my God. That's not a good reaction. How could you say that about my ancestral people? No, no, no, no, no, no. You can't be saying this shit. I went to the delicatessen About my ancestral people. No, no, no, no, no, no. You can't be saying this shit. You can't be saying this shit. I went to the delicatessen and I ordered the roast beef on rye.

And they didn't give me my coleslaw. What are these gerbils doing at the delicatessen? What are these gerbils doing? Gerbils. Gerbils. Jesus Christ. No. I didn't know if you said gerbils or gobels.

Neither of those. Oh, that's offensive. That's a little much. I did say I would like to own a Hitler painting and stuff. Shut up. You wanted an audience. Now you're getting fucking heckled by- Heckle him.

I'm not saying horrible stuff about Jews like you are. I'm not saying horrible things. I love the Jewish people. I've expressed that in more- No, you don't. You wanted to use a young Jewish girl to get your shitty comedies made in Hollywood. No, I want to marry into their illustrious community.

I want to be a part of their community. I want to be part of the tribe. No, you don't. You don't. You have contempt for them. I want to be like that blonde lady who sucked Spielberg's dick and then said, oh, I can't wait to convert. I just love being a Jew so much. And you're like, yeah, sure.

Yeah, women can say that. You can't say that shit. I married him because, you know, I just, I love being a Jew. It's like, yeah, that's the reason you married him. That's very offensive to Spielberg also. I'm saying she's one of the Gentiles who is sneaking in for ridiculous reasons. I want in. You're not even a Gentile.

You better fucking. You're, especially the way you're behaving. She was good in, she was good in Temple of Doom. What are you talking about she? Willie? Yeah, you know she married Spielberg? No. Yeah.

She was in that movie. And then she saw Spielberg. Do you like want to be somebody that marries a rich Jewish director? I want to be a Willie. I want to be a. You have a weird thing like Shad Adversity about like you wanting to make your kids like the weird Jackson 5

and like wanting to be a woman that marries a rich Jewish director. I'm just saying she was on set and she said, there's definitely a way to make this little Jewish nerd fall in love with me. You know, that's so horrible.

That's misogynist and anti-Semitic. You're right. He fell in love with her. Yeah, she's hot. I mean, she's funny. Yeah, she used her skills. Personality. And she told him what he wanted to hear. She said,

I cannot wait to convert. It's gonna be great. Which is what you're saying. I love matzah, you know? There you go. Why are you so nervous about this? If there are any Jewish women in the audience, I'm just saying, if there's any Jewish princesses in our audience, I will convert for you. Yeah, they're gay men. Well, that's the problem.

They're chinos. All right, so our problems are Wil Wheaton, Elmo, Apple fanboys. Freemium shit. And? Common core math. Common Common core math Totally out of your mind Well guys don't forget to vote on all the problems at biggestproblem.show We've also got a new bonus episode for you If you hate liberals vote for common core math If you hate teachers common core math

If you hate redditors especially Vote for common core math Will Wheaton complained about a lego So why don't you vote for that? Don't forget, new bonus episode, The Biggest Problem in Little China,

available at patreon.com slash biggest problem and back.by slash biggest problem. We also talked about some fun stuff on that episode.

Superman being gay. We did talk about that. Yeah, gay Superman. I think there was some Eric July talk of some sort. I can't remember what. Big, big breaking news about Eric July was of some sort. I can't remember what. Big, big breaking news

about Eric July was on our bonus episode. So check that out. I don't even remember if you're lying or not. You'd make a terrible Jew. That's way more anti-Semitic than anything I said. I'm not referring to anything. I'm not referring to anything. Just the way you're talking and behaving.

Bad at lying? You'd be a terrible Jew. That's not a lie. We were covering Eric July's juicy, dirty stuff. We were covering. What the fuck are you doing? Just arranging the papers. They're arranged. Just want to make sure they're evenly spaced.

Are you ready to weigh in if someone has donated? 50 bucks. I can't even talk about it as myself. I have to put on my pirate outfit. Look, it's your bit, okay? So whatever. Don't you forget it. Wow.

God forbid I give you credit for something. Yeah, I don't like getting thanked because it tricks your brain into thinking you owe somebody something. Okay. Well, you do owe me whatever's in the box. See, I knew it. Yeah.

I am owed. All right, and what are those, voicemails? Yeah, here's... Great. Hey, guys, the biggest problem in the universe is trucks that look like your truck. Everybody's gone to a parking lot and tried to get in the wrong car, I'm sure of that,

or I'm just retarded myself. This morning, coming outside from the gym, I do my auto start on my truck. this morning coming outside from the gym i do my auto start on my truck the fucking white dodge ram starts up and then it fucking pulls out starts driving away whoa my fucking car goes i'm like what the fuck so i book it down the fucking parking lot waving my hand screaming stop my motherfucker stop modifier, stop! Truck stops. Window rolls down, and dude pops his head out and goes, did I forget something?

And seeing somebody, because I, honest to God, thought my truck started by itself and drove away by itself. That's way more retarded. No, I... Wrong truck, sorry.

Are you fucking serious? And there's mine. Not retarded at all. My assumption would be. I must have hit the wrong button. So trucks that look like your truck. Maybe someone was stealing it. Not that it started by itself.

The assumption would be that your truck was being stolen. I thought my car was auto driving away. You are retarded. Yeah, I think that's a bigger problem. The car just started driving by itself. No, what? I do that every fucking week at Pilates with my girlfriend. I get in the wrong fucking car.

I'm like, ah, damn it. It's like, where are you going? Show yourself some fucking quip. God, you fucking bitch. Well, I would do the same. Yeah, You would. I'd give you a little gift. I'd go, ooh, nice car, bucko.

It really humiliates you. Okay. Something about a pirate. I don't know. Avast ye, Captain Dick. Good job sticking it to that land blubber, Vito. Land blubber. This is a second guy saying that.

Wait before you have two peg legs from the diabetes. You'll have two peg legs from your diabetes, Vito. Land of blubber. This is a second guy saying that. You'll have two piglets from your diabetes. Sweeto. Oh, Mr. Squeep Smear. All right, peanut gallery. I get it. What is his name? Mr. Smear. Mr. Smeel.

Mr. Smea. Oh, yeah, Smea from a hook? Yeah, is it Mr. Smea or is it just Smea? I think it's just Smea, but I think Hook might occasionally give him a title. Mr. Schmee. Cop problems? All right. Probably crappy.

First off, Dick, great job with the pirate bit. Keep that shit up. It's great. Don't listen to Vito. Second off, Vito, my God, you are such an F-slayer. You make the world a worse place. You're a waste of oxygen. What the fuck?

I can't even believe you bring in an interesting problem like the cop thing. Yeah. And then you just completely botch it. You have nothing interesting to say about it. What are you talking about? This is this guy's opinion. He passed some sort of defense for it, even though a cursory look would show that basically

every other state has the same laws and books. No, that's not true. Only five states don't. I'll let you guess which five, like what those five states have in common. What kind of governor do they have, Vito? You freaking idiot. You actively make the world a worse place. You make the show

worse. Your toys don't love you. Your food doesn't love you. Nobody loves you. The only person that ever, ever loved you is dead. And you put her in your stupid comments, which is going to be worse than ice on. Jesus Christ. I didn't listen to the first thought. A little bit about the cop problem.

That was kind of a compliment, though. There's a certain amount of good-natured ribbing, which I can appreciate. He's saying that she loved you, though. Everyone who loved you is dead. No, he didn't say that. The one person who loved me is dead. Yeah, he was really specific. Jesus Christ.

You went over the line, man. Why don't you send a fucking voicemail to Dick about how no one loves him? I already know that. Good. I don't care. What about this? How about shitting on the show, which is your new bit? Let's hear what people have to say about that.

Every time I think I'm out, you keep bringing me back in. Well, let's see. Honestly, this new bit of dick shitting on the show is so fucking good, just because of how uncomfortable it is. All right, well. Keep it up, boys. So sick of this fucking fan base. Everything you do is great.

Well yeah, cause I'm being honest. You know, this show is great. I do think it's great, I'm just saying the problems could be better, I thought. You're just mad that I have won four weeks in a row, so you have to cope. Yeah, because when my problems come up, you turn into like a fucking Grey Rock. You're like, ah, that's fucking dumb. Fucking gray rock. You're like, ah, that's fucking dumb.

I don't like how the kids are doing math these days. Yeah, you're going to win with that, you fucking idiot. Yeah, but you don't like, you don't try to help. Good luck. What do you want me to do? What do you want me to, yeah, you're right, Dick. Oh, man, math. You don't have to say you're right. Do some math.

Do some math. Yeah, do some math. That's fun. That'll be a good show. Show me how bad it was. That'll be a good show. We do a bunch of math. You don't have to say you're right. Do some math. Do some math. Yeah, do some math. That's fun. That'll be a good show. Show me how bad it was. That'll be a good show. We do a bunch of math. I'll give you numbers and you do the minus of the numbers or divide them. Ten. This is the bet. Five. Am I dividing? What am I?

Seven. Figure it out. You're Mr. Common Core. Twelve. Okay. Seven again. Let's hear it. You're Mr. Common Core 12 7 again Let's hear it Fuck you Why would you think I'm really giving you any kind of real things? I don't know, because I don't know what the fuck you're doing

God forbid I guess hand a bit on this retarded show Oh, Vito, I came up with something Okay, I'll entertain it. No, I'm just fucking with you. No, you don't. You don't entertain it. He loved shitting on the show bit. Great. Really makes people feel weird and uncomfortable. You shit on the show and then I shit on your pirate bit and there's a million comments about

I don't understand why Vito can't love the pirate bit. It's very weird and confusing. Yeah, no. I can't believe it. I can't believe a man dressing in a pirate costume to call me Land Blubber is not my favorite bit on the show. I can't believe it. Arr. Arr.

It be me. Can you turn this down? Jesus Christ. I'm just phoning in to say hello to me old pal Captain Redbeard. Okay, we're not doing 20 pirate voicemails Okay, you get one a show That's my one No, you already did one I didn't know that was going to be a pirate

It's been mislabeled I'm not doing a show where every fucking person It's just fucking one show of pirates This is not going to be funny I'm going to neg this bit one shell of pirates. It was on account of you wouldn't stop touching your penis. This is not going to be funny. I'm going to neg this bit. It was red. College was fun.

Anyways, I just wanted to congratulate you on the bit, lad. Thank you. Captain, your man the cannons. I was right to cut this off, by the way. I was 100% right.

I knew this was going fucking nowhere. Yeah, that's pretty good. I like that. Why would you cut that bit off? It's funny. What is this like? Is this like what? Early internet humor?

Everybody talk like a pirate day? Is that what this show is now? Uh, I hate that day. Yeah, I can think of a certain Armenian comic who probably fucking loved it. Aren't pirates funny? Oh, man. Wouldn't that be great if him and Eric July teamed up? I don't know. Maybe they can make a comic

together. I think then they would realize Maddox should make a comic. He already did. Did he? Yeah, this girl Leah Tiscone drew it. So he's just always searching out women to force to do projects with him as a way of trying to sleep with them? You know, I never thought of it

like that. You wanna do my Godzilla podcast? You wanna help me make a comic book? Oh, it's another girl. Come on in. I'm trying to think of the last time I involved a woman in my creative process. Zero for me. Yeah. Well, I did it once, but then she killed herself, so.

But hopefully they're not connected. I said, hey, check out this cool comic book I'm working on. And then like a week later, yeah. Did you get notes on it at all? No. I think she said, yeah, it looks... She said, uh-oh, that looks like me. She said you got a good concept. She gave me a Josh Denny. You got a good concept there. You do have a good concept.

I have a great concept. You gotta really nail... You gotta really nail what it is. I know what it is. It's just there's a lot of what it is. You gotta... Well, that's... Okay. I know what it is. It's just there's a lot of what it is. Well, that's okay. I'm saying it's a good concept. It's a great concept. But the problem

with these comics is it takes concepts like you got to wait, you know, you got to get it out. It takes as many iterations. I told you that I have a secret plan

to get it out quicker. Oh, yeah. It's Vito versus Eric July. Yeah, well, I can't. I mean, I could hire a bunch of Brazilians. I don't want to do that.

That's stupid. There's a couple other guys who are going to help me out. I think your way is good. One of which, well, I don't know if I should reveal who made the Ricky shirt. I don't know if he wants to have his name attached to it. But he's a great artist. Check out the Ricky shirt at killdozer.industries. And if he wants to be named, he can let me know.

I'm not sure. I didn't ask him ahead of time. Okay. You ever get that? People are like, hey, do this thing for the show. Also, don't mention me on the show. Yeah, and then I stop doing it, and then some people get upset. Yeah.

Oh, man, I don't know. Then I just start speaking my mind. I feel bad. Yeah, I feel bad. And then I get chewed out for speaking my mind. Like, oh, you can't be shitting on the show during the show. All right, all right. I can't win.

Oy vey. Captain Dick. Shitting on the show. Can you control plus? Hold on, you have to zoom in. Yeah, I know. Okay, well, guys, we're going to take a look at Super Chats. Our guests are doing cocaine or something off in the corner.

Oy, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. Save some of that for me. Why don't you fucking watch out there, buddy boy? It's a joke. Okay. Oh, also, what do you think about those new thumbnails, huh? What? On the show on the YouTube page.

Oh, yeah, they look good. I think they do look good. Why do you bring those up? Did you make them? Yes. They look good. Thank you. Tate G for three. Hard R, hard R.

I'd be here for Vito's booty. Are you going to do a cumulative, or does somebody have to give $50? You've got to give $50. It's got to be a lump sum. Yeah. Okay. And then I talk about all the rules. Which gives me another reason that I could shit on the bit, but I won't.

You're addicted already. You're already suckered in with the gambling stuff. Koof for two. Thank you all for not killing yourselves. Thank you, Koof, but you were not the first Super Chat, so you failed. Be better. Riley Edwards for two. We need more pirate stuff. Dick Peninsky for $5.56. Taint nothing more

humiliating than a man walking the plank in his skimmies. I thought you said no fucking pirate voices. Pirater! I get to do it once. You did it for a whole fucking show. It's just the rules for thee and not for me or whatever it is. You know what? Be a pirate every show. Whatever you want to do.

Go get your fucking costume back. Peter Hansman for two. Another bad show, but at least we still super chat. Don't encourage these people. Antagonist for five. How much money are you going to steal? Vito, I've messaged you about the cats numerous times. I'll have to find a new approach at this point.

I will try to post pictures of my cats on your Discord server. Okay, but the problem is that I don't... Are you withholding? No, it's just like I have to find the pictures and then I... I don't use Discord on my phone. You gotta put your cock away. All my pictures are on my phone. Yeah. An absurd existence for two. Shout out to

Graph. Is that the reverse Graph? He's really torn up about people picking apart that reverse graph. You can't let Maddox get away with this reverse graph. You got to hit him with the reverse graph. The graph is reversed. It's not reversed. There's no such thing as reverse chronological order. What is this, a tachyon field coming in here?

No such thing. You got to say, hey, you're lying about the graph. Because he's obsessed with the graph. This is why you failed math, because you don't know how graphs work, you dumb fuck. This is why you'll never be a programmer, because you can't figure out the graphs. He failed math three times. And he offered the professor to suck his dick to let him pass. He doesn't tell that part of the story.

I'm not going to spread this slander. Utah. Disavow. It was a the story. I'm not going to spread this slander. Utah. Disavow. It was a big scandal. Did anybody record that radio show? Yeah, yeah. Did you listen to it yet? Maddox said the KKK was involved in his stalking. Oh, the SS is involved. I know that.

Oh, yeah. The Sean show. You better ban you from Patreon or the Nazis are coming back. Butts Grenois for five I became a wizard this week I have achieved the meme Let me know if you need anyone to cast chain lightning Or if you find any DTF chicks

He's 30 and a virgin? Is that what that means? Is that what becoming a wizard means? If that's true man you gotta go fuck a whore Wait is being a wizard getting laid in your 30s? Being a virgin I think Turning 30 and being a virgin So he is a wizard I being a wizard getting laid in your 30s? Being a virgin, I think. Turning 30 and being a virgin.

So he is a wizard. I became a wizard. That means he turns 30. He's a wizard if he has sex. That's why he says if you have any DTF chicks. Okay. Whore, man. You've got to find a whore. You've got to.

I don't know if find is the word. They're not too easy. You can locate them pretty easily. You've got to wrassle up a whore. A nice fat one for you on back page. Speaking of wizards, I did mention to you the idea that I think we should do the biggest problem in dungeons. We do a D&D bonus episode.

Is that like an abbreviation of Dungeons and Dragons? Yeah. Okay. I think we get a dungeon master, me, you roll up a character, maybe get one or two other guys, and we go spelunking. Okay, we'll get some beautiful women to play D&D with us. Well, where are we going to get other guys? What do you mean?

And they're like talking and stuff? What the fuck? Yeah. What do you mean? Well, it's like another podcast. We play a game. We're the other guys. It's just one episode.

It would be one fun bonus episode. Who are these other guys that we're talking to, though? I don't podcast. We play a game. Who are the other guys? It's just one episode. It would be one fun bonus episode. Who are these other guys that we're talking to, though? I don't know. We have friends. I don't. I had friends until I did this show, and then I bring Winston on, and he goes, hey, you're the one asking about bamboozling and shit. There's nothing wrong with asking a black man if he's seen bamboozled.

And you're saying African-American. That's not racist. It's weird, man. It's not weird. You didn't ask me if I've seen,boozle. And you're saying African-American. That's not racist. It's weird, man. It's not weird. You didn't ask me if I've seen, like, Stand and Deliver when we first met.

Hey, Vato, you seen Stand and Deliver? Or, like, American Me? What the fuck? The what the fuck got me. Diamond G for 555. Yar me booty. Yar!

Random guy. Do you want to read all the pirate ones? No G for 555. Yar me booty. Yar. Random guy. Do you want to read all the pirate ones? No. Okay. You read them. Random guy for five. A vast veto. Prepare for ye toys to be plundered, lest ye step on Davy Jones scale.

Scale. Yar har har. Yar har har. I love the theater kids going back out. Dick Wood for 10 British pounds. Hope this comes in handy for your targeted harassment campaign. Boom! Agnostic Uzumaki for 2. Dick, you should let Vito organize

a live show. Uh, I said for your comic launch, didn't I? Well, for the comic launch, I'll probably find a comic store that just lets me do like a, I don't know, meet-up signing or something. Okay, you heard it here. Vito refused to do a live show for the Comic Lodge. A big...

We can also do that. That's fine. No, no, no, no, no. It's trash now. That was the first... I don't know. It's a big momentous event. You know. It's not like a huge thing. It's cool. It's not a huge thing. Comics come out all the time. This has been your dream since you were a... It's a big deal to me.

Yeah. You know. So I don't know if other people are excited for it. That's cool. But what if we do it and then everybody is sitting there reading the comic and they're like, oh, God. No one's going to read your comic. Thank you.

It's going to be just like I some. Hey, you got a good point. I was going to say another thing. You were talking about doing a magic tournament. Yeah. You want to do it online, though? No. You want to do it a magic tournament? Yeah. You wanna do it, like, online, though? No. You wanna do it in real life?

Yeah. You did that before? Lots of times. Where do you do it? Uh, downtown. Eric Wong. At, like, a game store? No, a bar.

Oh, okay. Yeah, this is, like, hard men doing hard magic and stuff. Oh, okay. Shots. There's some game stores that'll let you drink. Not the way we drink. You land a bluffer. We be plundering and fucking cheating at Magic.

All right, the pirate's back. Judy, test her for 10. Yeah, you want to, I mean, you know, it's just a big, you know, event. Okay, well. You'll love it. I enjoy playing Magic the Gathering. I don't want to do that murder house thing, though. Have you seen that new set? That magic set?

That new set is selling terribly. It looks dumb and stupid. I meant to make a video about it. You'll like this tidbit. So they had a set come out last year, or maybe it was two years ago, called Streets of New Capanna. Did you see that set? Streets? Streets of New Capanna. It is a

plane, which the universe is within magic, where there are five competing Mob houses fighting for Control of the city, right? It's a mobster themed set That sounds stupid It is very stupid, but another part of it That's stupid is that originally

The set featured a bunch of cop Cards that were chasing down The mobsters Unfortunately, the set was being designed right when Black Lives Matter happened. So they were beating up orcs and stuff? No, no, no, no, no, no. Basically- This orc's got Erks' fennel on him.

Well, yes. Yes, exactly. Wham, wham, wham, wham. It was a bunch of cops kneeling on orc necks. Yeah. And wizards went, eee. Oh, shit. So in the middle-

Yeah, a Phyrexian knee on his neck. In the middle of production, they pulled every single neck in the middle of production they pulled every single card featuring a cop but they had they still have mobsters though well that's the problem is they had these dozens of pieces of uh cop art and nowhere to put it so now they went fuck it ravnica's full of cops now because we have all this leftover art and we don't know where to put it so that's why that new set sucks because it's just full of... They've taken Ravnica which was a cool universe full of monsters

and guilds fighting each other. And now there's a bunch of guys with bowler hats and 1950s cop uniforms going, ah, you see? And they all got magnifying glasses and they're doing detective shit. They've ruined magic for the explicit purpose of having to reuse cop art

that they couldn't use two years ago. Yeah. They've destroyed Ravnica. You got a license for that black lotus there, mate? It's awful. The entire set, literally one of the creature types is detective.

And the whole fucking set is guys in bowler hats with fucking magnifying glasses going, solving crimes. Who designed it? A woman? Yes. Yeah, a woman.

A bunch of women. Stupid. Don't understand it They ruined Ravnica and you know it has a tie in with the board game Clue so Clue is now canon to the Magic universe There is a Professor Mustard card It's like Professor Mustard Planeswalker

Colonel Mustard This is fucking retarded So like they make the silly decks They make the silly sets in Magic Yeah that was separate Yeah yeah yeah but there's so much like they make the silly decks they make the silly sets in Magic and they're like yeah yeah yeah but they're there's so much understanding of the game

the mechanics and like the concept of satire projected into the silly universe that it's like bigger than Magic and you could easily make a silly like satirical detective plane because like the concept of planes is like whole planets

are getting wiped out. They're different universes. This whole universe is subject to these couple guys. That's how fucked up it is. You could easily do that, but instead they've taken it and put it to like, they're treating planes as planets. It's so dumb. It's very bad. Their creative team is completely fucking up. The Transformers is better than that.

Yeah. I would rather have Transformers cards than Ravnica, which was the cool multicolored plane being overrun by guys in bowler hats investigating... Maybe they're badass cops. Dude, have you seen the mechanics? It's like literally your character is now a suspect,

but you can investigate a suspect to find a clue token. And I'm like, this is retarded. When did this game become a murder mystery game? I just want dragons to fight fucking warriors. They're trying to get women into it, that's why. Yes, and women are making it. And that's why they're putting a bunch of

fruit characters in ball gowns. Did you ever see the non-binary magic character, Nico Aris? No. It's just a lady with a soul patch. I thought all dragons were like non-binary though Dragons? I don't know

Whatever Magic I'm not buying that shit Don't worry the sales are going to zero It's crazy Judy Tesler for 10 says Vito I love you No it says Vito eat a salad

Doof Warrior for 5 Have you boys kept up to date on Lolcows the podcast? We were talking about it during the bonus episode, I think. Yeah, Vito was saying all kinds of wild shit about Keemstar that he told him in private. He was talking about it in the bonus episode. That's true. The bonus episode has so much. Johnny Rocket for five.

Alpha Core, Retardo, Rendition Part 2 is out. Super Killer has a cameo. Vito approved. Working on Part 3. Keep an eye out for Helliphant. Johnny Rocket. Another career started with my feuding with a retarded person online. You birthed Andrew Tate.

You birthed Nick Riccata. And now you've birthed Johnny Rocket. Yep. He's going to be a big star. He won't even need to marry some fat Jewish desperate girl to be famous. He'll be fine. Although, he'll consider it if he's smart. James Gardner for $20.

You guys need a warehouse with all this merch it is. Yeah. For another $50. What? He says bit. We didn't specify the bit, though. I think we can get to it. You have to specify the bit.

It's Dick's bit. I have no... Well, I don't know what that is. It's Dick's bit. I have no... Well, I don't know what that is. I have no... It could be any bit. That could be a racist abbreviation. I don't know. It's your bit.

So however you want to interpret... It doesn't say the pie... However you want to interpret the super chats is up to you. Well, it could be anything. I don't want to do the wrong bit and then get my ass chewed out. Sure. Okay. Dick makes the rules. James Gardner gave us $70, but Dick... I appreciate it. Dick makes the rules. James

Gartner gave us $70, but Dick makes the rules. I appreciate it. I don't want to waste his money, though, and not do the right bid. JJ for 201 says add this penny to the $49.99 chat, so he's getting it over the top. It's not cumulative. Panic pun for five. Is it horse week or something? First

the horseman comic, and now Vosh's personal horse collection. Oh, poor Vosh. I wish it was just horse cocks and not lolly, too. The lolly thing is... Is it lolly? It is. He's got a whole lolly folder, and then horse. He doesn't have a lolly folder. Yeah, he does. It said lolly? Yeah. He had a folder

marked lolly? It said lolly, and then it said parentheses child pornography. No, it didn't. It did! It did! I saw that his stuff leaked, but it was so small, I can't tell what's going on. I did see a horse cock. I'm pretty sure it did. Someone super chat me, if I'm right, about it being Lolly. A separate Lolly folder. I'm sure somebody has reverse searched the images.

Vosh hates me. I don't know. Because you're more famous for being a pedophile than him. Exactly. We're all competing in the same space. It's like, that damn Vito. I think that is part of it. I'm going to leak my lolly folder, and then everyone will know me as the pedophile and

not the horse cock guy. I think there is a part of Vosh that went, everybody already calls me a pedophile. I don't want to be friends with the Vito guy. Yeah. It's just going to double up. Mr. Scurvy for five is a pirate. I approve of the Vito's booty bit. Yeah.

Stone Cold Flea for five. Vito, are you still working on the comic? Your Indiegogo ended last year. This is worse than Duke Nukem Forever. Also, stop drinking all soda, please. Oh, yeah. I remembered something. I was driving home today, and I was like, wasn't this comic your comic?

I got your update on Indiegogo. And it said it's going great. And I said, wasn't it supposed to be December? And then you were like, it's in February. And said it's like going great. And I said, wasn't it supposed to be December? And then you were like, it's in February. And now it's February. February. I think you're misremembering. When is it coming out, though?

When it's done. Well, is it going to be like this year? I think so. Wow. So you took everyone's money and you put it in Palantir. I took everyone's money. And then Palantir's shooting up. So are we getting a million dollar comic because you have a million dollars of our money now?

I did not invest $80,000 in Palantir. You should have. I should have. Oh my God. You should have. I wish I did. I should have bought Bitcoin with it. All your money is sitting in a standard money market account.

You know how Maddox is? he thinks I stole all his bitcoins? Yeah, and then didn't somebody look up the company and it immediately converts to cash anyway? Or is that? Maybe, maybe. Who knows? I could have stolen it. You don't know? I don't know.

Who knows? So long ago. It's true. Maybe they did say it automatically converts, but maybe I stole it. I don't know. I don't know. I think I'll have to listen to the radio program to make up my mind. I got the KKK stationed outside, hiding in the ground with their little hats painted orange like parking cones so they could hide out there.

So when Maddox comes out. I should have brought up that Maddox tweet about me. Did we talk about it? He called you a thief? But the first thing he said was... Here, I have it. He always says, you clearly didn't watch the video.

Well, did you watch the video? That's what I was going to say. His critique of me... I don't want to spoil video. That's what I was going to say. Yeah. Is his critique of me. I don't want to spoil it. Let's get the actual tweet. That doesn't look like me. Nice little Maddox drawing there. Look at all these fucking things people sent you.

Great. Oh, my God. Look at this, Vito. I got this today. Am I allowed to ask how you put an item in the box? Only when I'm a pirate Only when you're a pirate You can only ask me questions when I'm a pirate

Okay, so I don't know if it's randomized I don't know if you're playing like I'll give you a I will give you a different answer Okay Than the pirate will give you One of them always lies And one of them always tells the truth

No they both lie And the door Is painted on I feel like you need to You're stuck here forever Why don't you write down all the rules of the bit So I can really study them I don't like having a paper trail

Look at this don't you think he looks cool there That's cool If you click that one it will take you to the actual one, right? Yeah There we go Oh yeah, this is what Maddox said, about you Okay, so it's on the screen Well, Delphin asked, you should unblock Vito

He's a really nice guy And he would be willing to hear you out on anything you have to say That's true I think I've heard everything No, I mean you would have him on your stream and stuff and let him. I'd let him come on. He'd complete his case. Yeah.

I don't think he has any secret information that I haven't heard already. Maybe his impassioned tone will melt my icy heart. He does this a lot. Okay. Is that cool? Maybe I'll get trapped in his eyes and I'll, you know, really. This is a fan who's stalking me. And I have a reputation on the online community.

What if I get lost in his melodic voice? In his head? And I end up turning on you. Like his chrome dome? Yeah. Maybe I'll see myself in his bald head and it will inspire me. Maddox says about unblocking me he says he's a fucking thief who is working with a sociopath no you gotta do the voice he's a fucking i'll do the voice okay

he's a fucking thief who's working with a sociopath yeah if vito has seen my video and is still working with that stalking pos he, he's signed off on fanboys' gifts for rape threats, doxing, fraud, extortion, blackmail, etc. No decent person does that. Has Vito watched the video? He asked twice. Has Vito watched the video? He asked twice. Has Vito watched the video? Man, your video's dumb.

Your video's dumb and you're dumb. Maddox, I have watched the video. I do have one question. Why is the graph backwards? That's the one thing. Could you address that? I feel like you haven't addressed that yet, and it's very important that you do so. What is reverse chronological order?

Can you explain that? What is that? Isn't a graph supposed to go from the past to the future? Yeah. You show a trend. You don't show a trend going backwards. Do you have a degree? You didn't come in and go, hey, look, if we go backwards in time, kids get smarter.

You said, no, if we move along. Yeah. That's how you explain things. Well, what are you going to do? Maybe his Chinese wife trained him to read a graph in the wrong way. Maddox's Chinese ex-wife, sorry.

Maybe he's relying on the new math, which tells you to interpret the graph. Is that well known that he was married? Maddox? Yeah. No. Probably shouldn't have said anything. Well, what are you going to do? Stout stag for five. Oops. Australian dollars.

Dick, you look like the Bruce from Braveheart. Can I get a you have blood with Wallace, now bleed with me? You have blood with Wallace. No, that guy sucked. I like the guy who's like, this is my island. Who's from Ireland. I'm from, this is my island, your own. You've bled with Wallace, now you'll bleed with me.

All right, we've got a million superchats. Out of your ass. I'm going to try and speed read any. Oh, yeah, please. Okay. Guys, if you give us a $2 superchat, we're going to try and burn through them. If you want us to maybe discuss it, you've got to give us a little. Thanks.

No, I'm just saying. You guys, I think people have noticed we're getting a lot more superchats. PSI Chris for two. Beeched in bed veto. Calling to super chats. PSI Chris for two. Beats in bed veto. Calling to dick show veto. Nuclear Jones for two. Wheaton pumping out weapons grade cringe for 10 years. Coup for two.

Shadowversity identifies as a lolly with a big sword. That's correct. Sir Seat Sitter for two. Genuinely can't wait for the super killer cartoon. I've talked to an animator. We'll see. Coup for two. Thank you, Mr. Peacock, for not killing yourself.

Claptrap to Destroyer for five. Oh, yes. Maddox and Eric July, two of the horsemen of the retardop. Two horsemen. We're both horsemen. Retardo cop. Retardocalypse. Retardocalypse.

Yeah, that's much better. Retardocalypse. Johnny Rocket for two. It says Kramer graped Big Bird. Coup for two. You better throw away that tissue, Vito. I will. There we go. Panic Punt for five. I can Kramer graped Big Bird. Coup for two. You better throw away that tissue, Vito. I will. There we go.

Panic pun for five. I can't believe we lost River Phoenix and in its place we got Will Wheaton. Well, what are you going to do? If only... Switch those guys up. Time machine. Switch them up. We should have gave Will Wheaton a debilitating heroin addiction. It would have been much better than what we have now.

Coup for two. Remember the videos of guys shooting Elmo? Yeah, bring those back. How about the fucking video of Elmo going, oh, and it's all the fire, like as Will Wheaton going, oh my God, all these kids are fucking grabbing the present! Elmo's on fire! All these children! He's only four years old!

Someone has to do something! I really hate the Elmo people. Somebody for five, you know, you're the best contestants who have grace kick or keep. You're hilarious. Well, you've been on kick or keep, five. You know, you're the best contestants who have graced Kick or Keep. You're hilarious. Well, you've been on Kick or Keep, but you didn't say you're the best. Yeah, you're better than me at that show. I'm pretty good at that show.

Yeah. I feel bad. It's like I'm the ringer. I come in and I demolish all those people. Clipsama, who I want everyone to subscribe to for great clips from across the, what do you call it, the Rippetard verse, covering EVS, covering us. Oh, yeah. Says, Wesley was in Picard as a Q God person.

So bad. Oh, he did make an appearance. Oh, he did? Yeah, so I guess he probably showed up as his magical self. Well, lucky for him. Jehado bought for two. Allah Akbar for Stand By Me. Your man Marcian for five.

Richard, you salty pirate, already sent a version with music during the loading part the day after you asked. Check your DMs and walk the plank. DMs? You got to email me that shit, your man, Martian. You can't DM that shit to me. Well, that's your problem. Heather Salvatore for five says, Vito, no collar on the plaid.

Your man, Martian, look him up. Adam. You're not from Massachusetts anymore. Sigh. She's coming down on my red plaid shirt. Oh, I got the collar inside out a little bit. It's a he. That's a man. Heather Salvatore. It's a fake name. We're being catfished again.

Don't get tricked. Maybe it's a Jewish woman. Salvatore? It's a Jewish Salvatore. You never know. We've been the Salvatores since the pharaoh kicked us out of the matzo bar. What are you going to do?

Clip Sama for two. New math looks stupid to anyone outside of the U.S. Yeah, it is. You have to understand that. You know nothing about this. No, I'm trying to explain to other countries. You know how you have a mostly homogenous culture? In their country?

Yeah. Except for Germany and Sweden. They're discovering now what happens when you don't have a homogenized culture. In their country? Yeah. Except for like Germany and Sweden and where all the rapes are. They're discovering now what happens when you don't have a homogenized culture is you have to invent crazy new ways to do math. That don't work. That don't work. Because some people need a helping hand. And that's fine. No, they don't.

Sure. Whatever you want to do. Liberals will all want to pretend that they can fix the problem. K. Swindle for 10. Vito is right. Common Core is stupid, but parents are 10 times stupider. Targeted parents not knowing how to do simplistic math homework is the problem they're attempting to solve. Thank you.

The parents are smarter than the teachers. No, they're not. That guy posted 12 and 3 and was like, I can't possibly figure out what would go in this box. There's a box over here. What else would go in that box? A 1. I have to do two minuses now to get that.

Oh, my God. JJ for five. Any kid who needs the boxes, do math, needs to go in a special class separate from the other kids. Yeah, wood chipper. Yeah. Jesus Christ. Koo for two.

We ride with the pedophiles. No, no. I have apples. I gave away... Oh, I have four apples. I gave away two apples. How many are left? Let me get a box and count it down.

Shut up. Mr. Hatching for 10. You guys better find a better format for the bonus episodes. Last one was unlistenable. 90 minutes without a single joke. What? No, he's fucking around. It's a TBF. Fuck you. He almost got you. He was getting me upset because he knew I would read the whole thing

if I was upset. But it was too long, man. It was too long so I had time to process it. And you paid too much. If you had paid two bucks for that, I would have believed that it was actually a mean message. I think making it longer might be helpful if I read the whole thing quickly. But you got me upset too early on. You should have got me upset later on in the message.

Yeah, shitting on the show is like your hot button. Or if you were shitting on Dick, I would have gleefully been reading it because I was so happy. That's true. Don't shit on me. JJ for five, I'm starting a new segment called Crimsel's Booty. What I have inside the pirate chest is either a Power Rangers toy or an employment contract. Oh, walk the other way. Poor Crimsel.

LJ Claberino for five, Vito, can I send you a t-shirt I made with your shirt size and address? I wear parachutes and you can send it to 187 Fuck Yourself Avenue. If you want my PO box, you can find it on... Send it to The Ocean. Send it to this show. You can get the PO box somewhere on Dick's... I think it's on our shirt as well. Send me a DM. Dominic for two.

Vito's being an ultra-Redditor this week. Oh, because I hate Apple people. Koo for two. Apple vs. PC. Sounds like I've heard this before. Sounds like I've heard this before. Sounds like I've heard this before. All right. You said for two, you finally used my rhyme. GFY. Thank you.

Clip Simon for two. Watch Mac versus PC parody by Maddox 2007. Oh, yeah. He said Macs are gay. Maddox, very homophobic. Well, me and Maddox agree on Macs and French fries. Yeah. Yeah.

Dominic for five. Everyone in chat is having a spurt about Apple versus PC. No one cares. Do something with your life. And he spelled your incorrectly. Dominic for two. Spells your correctly. Oh, he got you there, didn't he?

He got you there. Good work, Dominic. LJ Claberino for two. What's your favorite stereotype impression to do? Chinese. Let's just not even. Rex Sexton for five. I get to attend government classified meetings every time some dumb lady forgets to take

off her useless Apple Watch and gets a security reprimand. It's your writing partner. That's interesting. Sex Sexton. Yeah, I know. I like that guy. Spider Eternal for two. Vito likes playing games, so he'll never go Mac.

I usually play games not on my PC, though. Although I'm playing Power World now. A little bit. Acklevich for two. Once you go Mac, you start sucking cock. Cap'n Cheese for five. Of course, Vito doesn't like Apple Watches. It's a fitness tracker that tells you to get up and move.

You can get a Fitbit for like 50 bucks. It calls the cops if you get too close to kids. Nah. Well, they got that sex registry built right in. We're getting rid of that thing. Nuclear Jones for five. Vito, you're out of your depth regarding Apple. You're out of your element. I'm out of my depth. I getting rid of that thing. Nuclear Jones for five. You're out of your depth regarding Apple. You're out of your element.

I'm out of my depth. Since Apple started developing their own CPU architecture, they've been untouchable in the laptop category. Well, I do not want a laptop. The fucking PCs are just total trash. I have a backup PC and every time I use it, I'm like, this just feels disgusting.

Well, okay. Charles Barker for five. The liberal obsession with becoming Jewish is the biggest problem in the universe. Also, I lost 12 pounds eating beef and broccoli. That's the bottom line. From Grand Panda or whatever you're... Good old Grand Panda.

Panda Express. Panda Express, sorry. They got the calories right on the thing. You can see them right there. Try that mushroom chicken, guys. You like mushrooms? Not really. Hey! Super Bowl this weekend, huh?

Yeah. Doing a little thing? Yeah. We gonna be grilling? Yeah. Gonna get the grill going? Sure, yeah. How many people are coming? I don't know. A bunch. Alright. 20. So I'm gonna bring some, I'm gonna make some food. Okay. I asked if you had a deep fryer, you said no

You want one of those ones outside that's got a big pot? No, no, no I don't need a big thing I keep meaning to get one of those desktop ones I want to make I know a caterer, I can get a deep fryer over here No, I'm not going to make a ton of shit I'm going to make a little appetizer

Okay I'm going to make some New England clam fritters. Oh, alright. You're going to be very excited to try those. Cool. As long as I don't fuck them up and burn them. Maybe I'll make some other stuff. I don't know. Okay. Alright.

Charles Baker for five. The liberal obsession with becoming... Oh, no. We did that. Glow warmization vetoes Apple problems. Sucks. It isn't well researched. Windows is only good if you game. At least Apple's OS is Unix-based. Yep. Cool. DerangedApe for five. Veto's problems for last month have been about being smarter than imaginary Twitter users.

No wonder he wins. Hashtag vote blue. Vote blue. Well, the audience just likes my problems as opposed to Dick's problem, which is I can't believe we know where these sex offenders are. What the fuck are you guys thinking? Where's your priorities? Whatever. Pitching for five.

Thank you, Lloyd Lewin. You are more likely to end up on the sex offender registry than you are for it to protect you, a man, a fat man listening to this show. It does nothing for you, idiot. I'm calling our listeners fat. You don't know. Very skinny guys. Although we have been getting a lot of T-shirt orders. 6XL. Do you have been getting a lot of t-shirt orders. 6XL.

Do you have this in a bed sheet? I think if I made a craft of the t-shirt orders, people would go, ooh. Some of these guys need to stop negging Vito about his weight loss journey. Lloyd Lewin for $7.99 Australian. According to Chuck Dixon, him and Joe Bennett came up with the idea of horse cock man. So he's either covering for Eric or he's lost a damn mind. No, those guys have figured out that Eric will throw money at them because he's an idiot. I mean, it seems like something that old retards would have come up with.

Yeah, the guy who came up with Bane. And Q. Said, how do I make Batman? Well, bats are- Horse man. Yeah, the bats are already taken. Can't make dog man because that's another thing. He's like the horse man.

It's like horse man, but he's like the horseman It's like horseman But he's like a horseman Of the apocalypse But also he's Horseman And he wears a gimp suit Cause you could buy Like a horse gimp suit

Like that sounds cool right And then Eric's like Dibbity Heebut hobbity Heebut hobbity And then it goes out And they didn't run it By anybody who has

Like half a fucking brain Yeah they'd go Okay so he's like The horseman of the apocalypse Yeah Yeah The horseman of the apocalypse was not himself a horse.

There's also four of them. If you say it's 25 horsemen of the apocalypse, someone's gonna go, what the fuck are you talking about? It's four. It's four. That's from the Bible. It's four. And they're very specific. It's not just a bunch of horsemen of the apocalypse. War. Chuck Dixon,

you idiot. Pestilence. Hold on. Famine. There's famine and pestilence, the same thing. Fire is another one. Do we really got to talk to Isom about this? Oh, we're going to talk to... There's so many pop...

I feel like we have too many racist people to talk to. Vito, what's racist about? Oh, just Chuck Dixon. Never mind. Chuck Dixon is just homophobic. What's racist about oh just it's chuck never mind chuck dixon is just homophobic about the apocalypse yeah imagine you when you smile it looks fucking hilarious i don't think it's i don't think it's homophobic to think that gay people are sending the world to hell that's uh yeah but if you're all worried about like gay comics why did you put a guy in a gimp suit and give him a horse mask and two fucking sticks to beat his gay partner with? What's gay about that?

I don't know, man. He's wearing a tight leather fucking outfit. It's the gayest looking Batman thing I've ever seen. Well, yeah, because he tricks guys into coming home with him. He polices the gay community. Jesus Christ. He's like the gay community. Jesus Christ! He's like Jeffrey Dahmer. No!

This is horrible. What do you mean? He's supposed to be the ass man. Right. Like a horse, you know. So horseman goes out. Not a donkey, an ass, right? He was supposed to be ass man.

He wiggles his butt. Imagine you're at a gay bar. I mean, you don't have to imagine. Shut up, Chuck. his butt. Imagine you're at a gay bar. I mean, you don't have to imagine. Shut up, Chuck. Right? Fucking asshole. So you go to a gay bar. Sure.

You open the door, and they got a big picture of you, and they're all coming all over it. Imagine that. Imagine that. I've seen that at manholes. Imagine you go into a gay bar. Everyone's jacking off, and a big picture of you. Who wants to see that? Huh?

Then the ass man comes in, right? He's got a little mask on him and he says, Chuck, come with me. Come here. He's got little pony ears. And he puts me in the closet. And then he takes some dildos, big studded dildos. He kills everybody, obviously. He drinks all the cum. After sodomizing

them. Yeah, well, I mean, I don't ask questions. I'm not gay. You know? So you and Eric and Joe Bennett all came up with this character who goes to gay bars, Sodomizes gay men, and then kills them. For God, in the name of God. For Jesus. Yeah, for Q.

I feel like this character could use a little bit of workshopping. Well, because you're talking too much. Thanks, Chuck. Thanks for stopping by. Imagine that you are in the closet. Sure. Whatever. Go to the next thing.

Sorry, did I ruin the bit? LJ Clobberino for five. Don't let Dick out of the fun. Vito should dress up too and do a silly... Send in a wig. He did Trans Elvis, but then he said he wasn't rapping for money anymore because he's better than you guys. That is not what I said. You said you weren't going to rap for money anymore.

I don't want to rap for money. See? I'm too self-conscious. You think you're better than people. That's not what it is. Well, then what's the nature of being self-conscious? You think you don't deserve to feel shame and embarrassment, and you do. I think I face enough shame and embarrassment on this show.

Uh-oh. Uh-oh. That's not for you to decide That's for society to decide Alright Anyway, Horseman's retarded Why don't you guys send wigs to the show? What happened to that bit? You can send a costume to the show

You have to say, if it's a wig You have to say it's not supposed to go in Vito's booty But our fans are morons Because I saw them going Hey, why doesn't Vito dress up like Eric July? Which we did. It was funny. Okay, but we already did it. Nobody even remembers

when we do a bit. Vito, you gotta dress up like Eric. They just want me to do blackface, though. They don't want me to. You're just too greedy. You need, like, more money. I'm too greedy? Yeah, you are too greedy. You're like, I'm not doing this for 50 bucks. I'm too greedy. I'm not doing it anymore. You're like, I'm not doing this for 50 bucks. I'm too greedy. I'm not doing it anymore.

That's how we ended up in the Vito's Booty bit, because you're too greedy. Hey, Dick, here's $49.99 to do a bit. Well. He didn't say what bit. I didn't specify which bit. I think, like, you need to donate another $50. Well, you have to find some way of telling me. Jub for five.

I'm in high school. It could be a trick. Yeah. It could be a trick bit. Cool trick bit. Because he doesn't know the secret password. Oh, my God. I'm in high school right now. I definitely remember learning that shit back in the day.

Turn math from logic problems into a series of techniques. Yes. Cold Mark Hand for two. Dick, great job carrying again. Fuck you. You're welcome. Strategery for five. I sent a blank super chat.

Now it's not letting me send a proper one. I angry now. Trucks me. Well, you fucked up. I guess there's no Vito Sputti tonight. Vito didn't do a good enough job. Speaking of trucks me, don't forget the trucks me shirt is available on Kill Doze and Down Industries. Get yourself one.

I'm still doing the show. Okay, yes. Dank of America for a big $20. Layup for Vito. In episode 87 on magnetism, Dick foolishly tried to explain how magnets can pick up aluminum. But in order for magnets to work, the metal

needs TBS. Okay. It has to be Ferris. So it doesn't, the way you were get... Wait, did I just say it? No, you said shitting on me will make you say it, but you caught one shitting on me. Okay. Anyway, try to be less self-conscious from Dank. Mm-hmm. That was close.

JayhawkDX for two. It says, Vito, you're okay. I know. DeanChalk for ten. Great show. Thanks for the laughs. Vito, could we have a lot less Super Killer Indiegogo updates and more Super Killer comic books? I really hope you've learned how to use a comma what do you mean i use commas correctly where did i miss a comma man that update was like a lot of run-on stuff no it wasn't how many commas was missing from that all of them no it wasn't i use commas pretty liberally, I think.

When we announced Superkiller, our script, storyboard, who's our, stood at 52 pages. Those people I'm working with. I got a team. However, we decided we really wanted to flesh out the story. Did I put a comma after however? Did I put a comma after however? Yeah, but then you also put one after story and give the readers a deeper look into the Superkiller universe. Yeah, you can use an Oxford comma

as putting one before an and, right? Or no, is that only with three clauses? The current storyboard stands at 65 pages, comma, including a two-page epilogue. You don't need a comma there. Including a two-page epilogue which sets up a very special new character I don't want to spoil yet.

Really? Yeah. You haven't seen that. No. Who is it? Well, I'm not going to spoil it. It was what I said in the thing. It's like,

well, is it hints in there? You know, not everybody. Let's just say not everybody loves Sam. Yeah. And there will be, oh yeah,

you got a shitload of commas. So I'm using too many commas. Yeah. That's fair. Put it into like Hemingway or something. But I think overuse of commas, I mean, you can use, can you personally choose to use more commas if you're like, this is where I want to break it up? Sometimes I put a comma in every word. No, you don't.

Yeah. Hello. All right. Well, if I'm using commas too often, it's because I used to not use commas enough, so now I'm extremely worried about it. Why do you care about what this idiot thinks about your commas? Because I consider myself very, very good at grammar, but if I've identified a flaw in my grammar... You could be more gooder. I could be more gooder.

After that, it gets handed off to the colorist and letterer, comma, all of which requires additional... That's a good comma. That works. I guess. Tweaking to get it just right. Why don't you guys read... You know what? Go in...

Our team is scattered around the globe, comma, from Mexico to the UK. That's a bright place for a comma. What are you talking about? I don't think so. Our team is scattered around the globe, comma... Scattered around the globe from Mexico to the UK. No, that's a new... It should be a semicolon, honestly.

Nobody... Come on. Semicolons are, like, impossible. We've been figuring out the best ways to coordinate our efforts, comma, and future issues are going to go much more smoothly. Now, you shouldn't have a comma there. So, stop using commas when I get to an and, I guess. Yeah.

If there's only two clauses in the sentence. Or stop using and, I guess. Yeah. If there's only two clauses in the sentence. Or stop using and if you think... I think I've already mentioned that I have some very exciting announcements about Super Killer No. 2, and then, but I don't want to get ahead of myself and you don't have a comma in front of the but.

That's a problem. I agree with that. That's incorrect. These are not... Look. Big mistakes. It's better than spelling Goodying wrong, okay? At least I didn't spell the characters' names correctly.

At least there's no dialogue that's like, uh... I just hope this is going to get fixed by the time it goes to print. There will be... Okay, look. I'm going to have an editor to look over the whole thing. Commas? There's going to be, look. There's going to be multiple people looking over the draft to make sure there's no errors.

Okay. And then I'm going to add some errors just to fuck with Eric July. Because it'd be funny. Dean Shock for 10. Great show. Thanks. Oh, no, we already did that. Koo for two.

Please sell the retardo version of the Ricky shirt. Yeah, you should. I will. Okay, I'll do that. If people want to wear the word retardo. Oh, yeah, I would wear that one. Yeah, you'd. I will. Okay, I'll do that. If people want to wear the word retardo. Oh, yeah, I would wear that one. Yeah, you'd wear it. Yeah.

I guess I would also wear it. So, turgery for two. Dick, Vito knows what it is. It is what it is. Yep. Euthanasia enthusiast for 7Canadian. I thought last week's show was the best ever, but here we are. A new summit of excellence this week.

See, you don't have to neg this episode. Oglovich for two. Vito, we say crosswords in this household. Yeah, not cocaine. Flample for five. Finally agree with Vito on something. The Apple cult is out of control. They pay twice the price for something 80% is good, but the text box is blue.

Yeah, you guys are idiots. DJK367, tell me if this works, okay? For what I assume is the American equivalent of $50. That makes you a retard. Man the harpoons. There's a picture of a whale, a scale, and a death cross. It's hard to tell.

I don't know. We're doing the bit. Okay, guys, we'll do the bit. I was begging for the bit. I'm not begging for the bit, but I don't want our audience to have to keep donating $50 to say- You don't want the audience to have to keep giving you money. No, not fucking retarded.

I'm not going to play like this little super chat game. I don't think it's, I think our audience deserves more. They don't. Well, that's your prerogative. Drunken Avia studio for five. I spent so many hours clipping down the guy fucking go. He'll be back. He's beating off.

I spent so many hours clipping the video. It was a booty segment that Dick's Pirates talk is now part of my inner monologue. Alright! Hi, Shanghai's here! Fucking inner monologue! You scurvy LGBT representative of the community, of the homosexual

community. Our clip man, Drunken Atheist Studio, has cut down the pirate bit, and I will be uploading that this weekend. Oh, cool. So everyone can relive the magic. Euthanasia enthusiast for seven Canadians says, never forget, Vito said spooky in front of Winston. Oh, yeah, you did say that.

You are all weird about black guys. Like, race stuff. I like that Winston is becoming like a mythological character. He was only on like a month ago. He's not like a unicorn. But I'm just saying, it's like you remember when Winston was on

and how Vito brought up Bamboozled and Oxman Live. Yeah, because you're saying weird stuff. He brought up, what's his name? You had a do-rag on before the show and I was like, you can't wear that. I think he would have felt more at home. All right. He brought up Spike Lee

and there's a lot of Spike Lee movies I haven't seen. I more at home. All right. He brought up Spike Lee. There's a lot of Spike Lee movies I haven't seen. I haven't seen all of them. Because a lot of them are apparently not good. But I heard Bamboozled is the good one. I heard K.K. Klansman is good. I can't say Bamboozled. No, because it's weird that you're thinking about Spike Lee because he's black. He doesn't give a fuck about Spike Lee.

He brought him up, I'm pretty sure. I didn't just randomly bring up Spike Lee because he's black. He doesn't give a fuck about Spike Lee. He brought him up, I'm pretty sure. I didn't just randomly bring up Spike Lee. I don't know. I'd have to check the tape. Hey, what's up? You watching any Spike Lee movies lately? Speaking of Marvel movies, what about Spike Lee? I really like Spike Lee.

He's like one of my favorites. What do you think about Quentin Tarantino's Jane the N-Word? Yeah, I'm not comfortable with that at all. I wish Obama could have got eight terms. Oxman for five. Vito the Hut, when will you be having Beckner on? I don't know what that means. Christina Perez for three.

I don't know what that means either. Gives us a corgi emoji. Thank you. Another man. Over Under on Super Killer release on September 11th, 2024. Let's have an Over Under of Super Killer release on September 11th, 2024. Ooh! Let's have an Over Under of Super Killer. Ooh! Oh, a new bit.

A new bit. Ooh! Let's have a pot. Ooh! When's it gonna come out? When's it gonna come out? Pigeon for two. Ooh! Ooh! When's it gonna come out? What fun costume are you gonna to come up with that one?

Why don't you dress up like Superkiller and you can say racist and sexist shit to fuck up my whole thing? Be like, oh, have you read Superkiller? Here, I got a clip of him. It'll just be Dick talking horrible things. I'm late. Oh, I'm pregnant. I love Nick Fuentes. No, Superkiller, stop. You don I love Nick Fuentes. No, super killers, stop.

You don't love Nick Fuentes? No. Why? We're not doing this. We're not. What's wrong? I love him. He's the greatest.

Okay. Pitching for two, do they allow cock magic? Interesting about the cock magic episode. Did you watch that episode of South Park? Yeah. All the guys they have playing magic and in the background, they actually took pro magic players and made little South Park likenesses of them, which they did not need to do, but it was really funny.

Yeah, that's funny. Do you remember that fat-faced guy who's playing Kenny and he goes, Hold on. Hold on. I play my... That's the guy who owns my company. That's Darwin Castle. He owns your company?

What do you mean? The game company that I'm a partner with Oh, okay He's like a majority holder I have like a minority part of it The guys who made Star Realms Oh Yeah

So it was kind of cool That he's like Well, it's cool that I'm in South Park That kind of made me retarded Yeah In the back of my head I'm like, well It could have been worse

It could have been a lot worse. It could have been like Jared. So every time I watch that episode... Stop fiddling around with that. I can hear it. Every time I watch that episode, I go, hey, I know that guy. Dean Shock for two. Smash Ultimate Live Show instead of Magic. No, we're not playing Smash Brothers. Rex Section for five. The most boring one-dimensional

chick I banged in college is now a Magic Drifter. My roommate's nickname for her was Gollum, but she had giant cups. What do you mean a Magic Drifter. My roommate's nickname for her was Gollum, but she had giant cups. What do you mean a magic drifter? That's a weird... That's a weird way to... I guess it's censored tits. Cups, okay.

Cups, yeah. They might censor tits. How big are we talking? What cup size? Rev for five. How big? Giant. He only gets so many characters. You missed the most important ones Rev for five I missed last week's stream Here's some money for Dick's

Gold D Masterson cosplay Thanks That is a One piece reference Oh You should do some one piece stuff No You like anime?

No But you should watch this anime on Netflix It's really good What is it? Uncle from Another World. Uncle. Uncle. He's coming to molest you.

No, that's not what happens. In this world. That's not what happens. Get your assholes out. It's one of these shows where a guy gets transported to a fantasy world. Yeah. But then he comes back as a 35-year-old man, and he's just telling his nephew all the shit he did while he was there.

Very funny. Sounds a little groomy to me. Well, he does meet a lot of beautiful elf women. He talks about banging them to his kids? No, all the elf women who have banged him, but he is clueless and a stupid nerd. He tells the story to kids? You'll see.

I don't like that. Watch the episode. It's really good. I love it. It's nice to talk about things we like. What have you been watching? Let's do an episode of PKA. What TV shows are you watching right now?

Oh yeah, you've been watching that? I've seen a lot of clips from that and I went, I don't know if I can watch this. I saw a clip where the guy asks the girl, he's like, do you have any allergies? Yeah. And she like freaks out. She's like, why? Is something wrong with my nose? And he's like, no, no, I just wanted to make sure there's no food here. I'm like, what the fuck is

this show? I like the guy who's into swords and he's like, Oh, well, I've got one foot in the dark ages. That guy, Connor, he's cool. I'll have to watch it. Lemon trashy for five British pounds. I said I'd edit locale Cow live even though I hate it, and the editor reached out to me, that fucker Connor. I don't know why people hate Connor, but I do think it's bizarre that they're not paying the Lowell Cows as much as they're paying the editor. Because they're fucked them.

Boogie and Wings? Yeah. They're worthless. They're trash. You don't have a show without them. Ralph was saying one of them is maybe a pedophile. He was saying that Wings, Ralph was saying some wild stuff about Wings

that I don't know if it's true or not, but it's weird kind of it's a weird kind of things that Wings was saying he did or did not watch. I don't know. It made me very uncomfortable. I wish you were hosting the podcast. I don't. I don't want to be on a show with these sick people.

Seems like Boogie's blood cancer must be in remission because he's having fun. Oh, man. What happened to the blood cancer? I'd like to know. That's what I'd like to know about it. Yeah. That doesn't just disappear, does it? What happened to all that debt, too, that you had?

Boogie's trying to play like there is no Boogie. I listened to a bit of it. Well, you know, he goes, I'm a character. It's a character. No, it's you. Yeah. You're like a fat retard. Yeah.

That's boring. Unlike me, who's an extremely successful billionaire playboy. Well, he says shit like that, and they just let him say it. Nobody says, like, what the fuck are you talking about? What's this Patrick Bateman routine, Fatrick Bateman routine, Fatrick Fatman routine that you're doing here, boogie? Here's why that podcast. This is you.

Okay, here's why this podcast works. Dick, call me a fat piece of shit. No. No. The one time that I just give you permission to do it, and you can't even do that bit. I was going to say, you know, because we yes and each other on the show, we play along with bits, but apparently we don't do that at all. Never mind. Hey, Dick, let's do a bit.

No. Okay. Never mind. This show's do a bit. No. Okay. Never mind. This show's just as fucked. Who cares? That was pretty good. Fried onions and garlic for San Gabriel. Do you think Wings has ever had child porn on his computer?

I don't fucking know, man. I mean, it doesn't affect you. Just guess. Like, yes or no. Maybe. Could be a maybe. What's the odds? If I said, what are the odds?

What are the odds? You've got to be a pedophile weatherman. All right, this week in child pornography, we've got a big front of child pornography coming in from the West here. We're never getting any sponsors for this show. How's the sponsor hunt going? I'm anti-child pornography. How is that not a good sponsorship?

I just don't think sponsors want to... Who knows? Wings is fucking gross. Look at him. Fatter than hell. If anyone in the audience knows a good sponsor for the show, let us know. What are the odds? 2,000%. What odds would I have

to give you for you to put money down on Wings ever once having deleted child pornography? I would say there's a 3% chance that he had child pornography. Oh, that's way too high. Wow, really? That's way too high for someone to think of someone. Well, I would say

the argument would be, you know, you go on like... Stop right there. Let me stop you right there. Yeah, you should probably. Read the next Super Chat. What are you doing? I'm doing a bit. Well, you go on like 4chan. Stop right there.

You're just scrolling. Stop right there. What are you going to do? Fried onions and garlic for $28.88, whatever the fuck dollars these are. Happy Chinese New Year. Eight in Chinese means to prosper. I wish all dickheads and veto files good health and good wealth Thank you

I saw the two and I thought he was fucking with me Roxanne Kaiser for five How much would you pay for a secret layer alt art Of ancient tomb except it's isomnox's grave Well I don't want to pay for it But that's pretty funny Alex Wade for two Says no message submitted

Dick Peninsky for 278 Vito mispronounced my name. I want a refund. No. Ken Doll for $5. Canadian. It's Pino Secchi. New song. Vito Diet emailed to Dick if you guys have time for it. It's up to Dick. Really? Rev for $5. Do you want to find a song

or do you want to get it on the next episode? Rev for $5. Best part of this week is learning how Vito does math. Let's break down 12 minus 3. I know it's 9. I'm just saying. But obviously not unless there's a fucking scavenger hunt involved. Scavenger hunts are fun. Everybody likes scavenger hunts. Alright, guys. You didn't know what 12 minus of 3 is? Okay.

Here's a bunch of boxes. Jose, I'm like, oh, this is actually really good. It's going to make everyone really smart. Yeah. Good job. Maybe they'll go and get this out there. I'm like Will Wheaton and I want to make everyone really smart. Yeah, good job. Maybe they'll go and... We've got to get this out there. I'm like Will Wheaton, and I want to push children into STEM. And if I've got to give them boxes to do it, so be it.

That's not going to work. Nothing's going to work. There's a lot of problems. Jose M for 5. Lowell Maddox trying to talk to Eric Jeline and turn EBS on you. Oh yeah, it's true. He also tweeted at Ethan VanSkyver. What a little bitch Maddox is. Well, he just...

I mean, it's like reaching the point of so genuinely pathetic where I, like, don't really know what to do with it, you know? Or I'm just like... He's too pathetic even to fuck with at this point. Yeah, because it's like,

oh, he's just going to keep doing that? Yeah. Like, everyone wants that yeah like everyone wants he says everyone wants to fuck 17 year olds yeah man uh yeah what a bad guy yeah i mean i clearly clearly nobody wants to fuck seven no one has ever wanted to fuck a 17 year old you got me you got me you put out the video you go here's where i've been uh you know and this thing happened to me and i feel bad about it okay then you go and here are some funny've been. You know, and this thing happened to me, and I feel bad about it. Okay. Then you go, and here are some funny, funny videos, because we're back on track.

Yeah. Instead, you make a website doxing a bunch of people. And you make the video, and then you release it over and over and over again. Does he have two websites, or is the talk to- There's like seven. Jack Conte website, like one website. There's a Nick Riccata blackface one. Nick Riccata blackface lawyer? There's other ones too.

He's just so great. He's retarded, man. His dad, before he died, had one of those cards. What? I don't want to talk about his dead dad. What happened to his dead dad? He had one of those cards that said the 19th amendment is unconstitutional, like, laminated. His dad had that?

Yeah. And what, he showed it to cops when they pulled him over? Yeah. Cool. It's all right, man. Just drop it. You know, let it go. I agree with you, but.

I want one of those. Come on. Jose M for five. Oh, no, we already did that one. I'm going to do one more refresh while Dick goes and finds his treasure box. No, there's a bunch. I got to play that song. Oh, there's like a whole buildup.

There's so many fucking Super Jets. No, no, no. We're almost done. Lemon Trashy for two British pounds. Connor goes to me, tell them Locale Live needs me. I think he's happy making that 2,000 bucks. I feel bad blowing up his spot. Coup for two.

How about a poll for which bit to choose? What's the other bit? The call to prayer? I think people want the toy box. Rex, section for five. You don't have a professional copy editor. Don't let Rich tell you about commas. Let me, your writing partner, help.

Comma before including is correct. Go look at my Indiegogo update and tell me how many unnecessary commas I used. Jose M for five. Vito, the WikiRotardo shirt was in stock for a week. You still can't fix the TruxMe shirt size inventory. What the fuck? I did fix it. Okay?

You just can't get the heather gray. You have to get the regular black. It's only good on heather. It has to be heather. Fucking complain to them. Have you written them? No. I fucking knew it

They have like Write them Hey Get your fucking act together You gotta write them And say man Fucking I got guys lined up

To buy this shit And you're fucking me over Just buy a regular That's a regular black shirt Yeah but The design is different Trucks me does not look good On black

You have to You have to be Heather It has to be Just get an orange one Orange The orange is cool What am I going hunting For trucks? No it's like an industrial on black. You have to be Heather. It has to be. Just get an orange one. Orange. The orange is cool. What am I going hunting for trucks? No, it's like an industrial, like a construction orange. It's like you took your truck to the construction

site. It fits the trucks theme. Alright. I think it works. God, you're useless. I hope you don't get the booty. Okay. Dean Shock for two. You think the post is bad. Read the script. Versus for ten. Why think the post is bad? Read the script. Versus for ten.

Why does Vito pretend to be allergic to money? He realizes that's what buyers your toys and Panda Express, right? You got to go through these. I'm not allergic. Okay. Add a lie. H for ten. Vito's poison food argument for the fat women nightmare government he voted for falls apart

when you see the UL stamp on light bulbs. A company that certifies problems without ruining everything else. Wow. Yes. All gas, no breakfast for five. Vito's a real one. Dick gonna fuck around and find out that people will stop with the super chats if he keeps playing games. Greedy Dick for shame. That's what I'm saying.

Oh, okay. Then I'm not doing Vito's Booty. Okay. Great show. Thanks to you all. Good show, everybody. All gas, no breakfast. That's Dick. Dick gets $100 and he doesn't want to do the bit anymore. Hold on. I gotta find that song. Okay. From Kindle and Hyde. Uh... One minute, please.

If I get any more pop figures, I'm not doing the bit. You can burn everything else. I'm playing the fucking thing. If I get another pop figure, you can burn every single thing that everyone has sent me. And I don't care. Come on. This is a good song. So if you're thinking about sending more pop figures.

What do you mean do I have to? No more birthday cake for me? This is a good song. So if you're thinking about sending more pop figures. D-I-E-T-O-D-I-E-T-O-D-I-E-T. What do you mean do I have to? No more birthday cake for me. I guess you could call me Milton. I believe you have my stapler. Don't need it. I'm just losing all this weight the old fashioned way. Don't want my fans to have to say Vito's funny.

But I just wish that he wasn't so fat and gay. So I cut out McDonald's. Three days drinking no water. And then I hopped in the sauna. Melted away like Madonna's fucked up face. I missed the taste of giant plates filled with calories. Panda Express is healthy, though. For the beef and broccari. Now I'm making homemade meals. I just turned on my oven, down to six sodas a day.

It used to be a dozen. I'm still attracted to chicks, yeah, as in chicken nuggets. But I gave them up, and now I get the kind that give me lovin'. You're looking good, Vito. Thank you kindly. Made your way in, now I'm them up and now I get the kind that give me lovin'. You're lookin' good, Vito. Thank you kindly. Made your way in now, I'm craving your big cock inside me. Yeah, sure, but you'll have to wait your turn, pretty lady. Ever since I lost this weight, my DMs have been going crazy. Because I skipped a few dinners, GameStop girl wants me in her, and femboys love that

I'm leaner. They want to suck on my wiener. I have my pick of the litter. Furries crave my new body, one of them built me a suit I guess I could use a new hobby All these great opportunities, dick finally got through to me Best weight loss in the universe, shit now Maddox is suing me Liquidate my trash for cash, I'll be needing a lot

Hey which one of you dumb fucks wants a mystery box? It's the V-I-T-O, V-I-E-T Fat shaming saved me from diabetes I'm a lean, mean, YouTubing machine If you could Freaky Friday anyone, it's me who you'd be Quitting cake wasn't a cakewalk Used to say I'd never take walks Now I'm skinnier than K-pop

Picking girls up at the GameStop They're sucking on my great cock Yeah, I'm looking sexy Your girlfriend and her bestie are sexting me about their breasts We were gonna screw But dude, your girl's too hefty. 132? No.

I'm calling her Bessie. What the fuck are they feeding you? Somewhat salads. Well, I'm the man now. You damn cows are making me flaccid. Picture this. I'm Mad Max with my foot on the pedal. Yeah.

Smashing through pet stores, dogs, shelters, and kennels. What it is? Or Wil Wheaton's tied up on train tracks. And I'm Percy. Point is, I'm plowing through these bitches. No mercy. Abracadabra. It's magic. I quit those bad eating habits. I'm looking gorgeous. What it too. Three days, no water except a hose for flushing poo. Out your butt, that's what you'll need to gain this physique. Keep your super chat cash. No need to weigh me this week. It's the V-I-T-O-D-I-E-T

V-I-T-O-D-I-E-T V-I-T-O-D-I-E-T V-I-T-O-D-I-E-T V-I-T-O-D-I-E-T V-I-T-O-D-I-E-T What? That's not the end of the episode, though. Yeah, okay. Because there is another song that I want you to listen to, people.

I was going to ask if you found a pirate song. It's time for the show that everyone loves. Are you ready, kids? Don't do it. Put one in the chat. One in the chat if you're ready. I think they're ready. Put two ones in the chat if you're ready I think they're ready Put two ones in the chat if you're not ready

And not two ones on the same line One and then a one right after it If you're not ready, if you need more time A one and then a one right after it What if you're ready? You put a one in the chat Cause it's time For a show

Are you ready, Kat? Why don't you do Stomp? Why don't you do fucking Kat's next week? Oh! Watch the game where we smash all the toys. Vito's Booty. I'm a man who tweets about little boys. Vito's Booty. What's in the box? You know you want it.

Vito's Booty. Get on the scale or I smash into shit. Vito's Booty. It's Vito's Booty. Vito's booty. Get on the scale or I smash into shit. Vito's booty. It's Vito's booty. Vito's booty. Vito's booty. Vito's booty. Stop enabling this man.

Are you ready, Vito? Stop enabling his behavior. No grown man should do this. Someone paid. Grown pirate, you mean. Grown pirate. Yes, I've got V. Someone paid. Grown pirate, you mean. Grown pirate. Yes, I've got Vito's booty. I have to tell you something.

I shouldn't be telling you this. I shouldn't be telling you this. Yeah. All right? Okay. Because you've been a good sport about it. Have I been a good sport? You've been a real good sport, and everyone knows it.

And I got a lot of messages saying to stop being so hard on Vito. All right? But rules is rules. I had to tell you, somebody sent in one of those gay man's cradles that you're talking about on the show. Gay man's cradle. Yeah. And that's not in the box.

That's not in the box. Someone sent in another gay man's cradles of magic cards that's worth like $1,000. And I'm not going to tell you where that one is, alright? But I will tell you, one of the two is not in this box. One of the two is not in the box. One of the two is not in this box of Eto's booty that I took from you, and now you're

gonna plunder it from me. I think it's a trick. Well, then I'll fucking destroy it. It's up to you. Well, I mean,'s a trick. Well, then I'll fucking destroy it. It's up to you. Well, I mean, uh, hmm. I'll play the drumroll five times, and then you can give me your answer. And whatever is in the box will either be yours or be destroyed.

But it's something that somebody sent in to you to get on the scale that's three times times running out three times this me on the plank I'm on the plank you have to walk but you do have to walk the plank but it's the planks on your honor you don't actually have to get it out you don't want to work you got this one more drum This bit does not make any sense. You got one more drumroll. Alright. And then I'm burning it. It's something someone sent in. You have lighters already ready to go, huh? Don't worry about

I should have put those away. How many lighters are on this fucking table? There's so many lighters on this table. What are you doing? I don't know why. No one's allowed to smoke in this area. You have five lighters on this table. What are you doing? I don't know why. No one's allowed to smoke in this area. You have five lighters on this table. So what's it going to be, lad? Okay, so what's the bit?

The bit is are you going to get on the scale and weigh yourself, or am I going to fucking- Or I risk you destroying a Gaia's Cradle, which I would feel bad about. That's pretty fucking expensive. Because an audience member- Or something else. That's why you would do it. Not because you want it so badly.

Well, I want it, but also, like, if a guy sends a message about, hey, my grandfather gave me a first edition Charizard. It's the only memory of my Vietnamese prison guard grandfather. He's dead. He doesn't care. That doesn't matter. It's up to you. It's up to you.

I feel like you need... All right. Yeah, let's do him. All right, here he goes. Let's play a pirate shanty. While Vito goes and weighs himself, I gotta be careful with the box. All right. Pirate shanty.

Here he goes. Do-do-do. Do-do-do-do-do. Do-do-do. Do-do-do-do-do. Go forward, you retard. Do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do Who cares? It's not a 50 pound shirt like a flak jacket or something like that. Oh no! What has happened? Oh no! Move it! Move it somewhere else then! Something's clearly wrong with the scale! Stop doing that! Stop stepping on it! Stop stepping on it! Fucking stop!

Here we go, here we go. Oh my god! It's unbelievable! Unbelievable! Oh my god! I've never seen, in all my days of sailing the seven seas, I've never seen such a miraculous sight. So what's in the box? Like a Chinese finger trap or some other trash? A bunch of spider rings?

No, it's something that someone sent in. Great. A whoopee cushion. What did you weigh, though? Well, I saw it on the thing because you fucked up the scale. I didn't fuck up the scale. Is it supposed to be hidden or something? I've never seen the numbers on it before. $2.92.

You're doing great. What was I last week? $2.95. You didn't know that? You're trying to remind know that? I'm trying to remind the audience. I'm trying to play into the bit. The terrible bit. What do you mean play into the bit? I'm trying to help

you out with this poorly thought out bit. How are you helping me out? You lost weight! That's great! Sure. You're losing more weight with this bit than you did during the fucking weight loss contest for six months. You've lost fucking eight pounds! I told you it has nothing to do with the bit than you did during the fucking weight loss contest for six months. You've lost fucking eight pounds. I told you,

it has nothing to do with the bit. I have learned healthier habits. I know what I'm doing. I'm not only losing weight because there might be stupid plastic toys in your dumb box. I'll say things. It's unrelated.

What are things fat people have said over the years? All of that shit. Put it on the thing. Oh yeah, there we go. Okay, whatever. Give me whatever fucking Polly Pocket piece of trash. It's something that someone all of that shit put it on the thing oh yeah there we go okay whatever give me whatever fucking Polly pocket piece of trash it's something that someone has

sent it's gonna be trash because that's here you go open it up it's you can't do that that's bullshit bits over no more bit no more bit there's no more bit I'm not doing the bit anymore you can't put the Mother's Milk Pop figure in the box every time. I refuse to accept this. That's not the bit. The bit was not that if I get a toy that you get to put the same toy in the box. You should have taken it with you, but you threw it over there. That's fucking bullshit.

You just threw it over there. That's fucking bullshit. You threw it over there in a tantrum. So you left it back in David Jones' locker. And you put it back in Vito's booty. So now you can retake it from Vito's booty. I'm starting a plastic fire. No, it's not going to work.

I'm trying to do that. There's going to be something going on. You're going to fucking kill everyone. Good. I hope you all fucking die. There you go. Yeah, good job. Way to go.

Put this burning piece of shit- Why don't you take your fucking stuff with you, instead of- There we go. Got a nice little- Thanks, thanks for my Eric July Pop figure. I'm so excited about it. I thought you would like this! That's a good-

Oh god, it smells terrible! Yeah, no shit. You should be bonded. What is it? Tell people what it is! Give me that sword. I'm going to break the fucking sword. We're not doing it. We're done.

It's it. There's no more bit. I guess all other stress just got to get burned up then. I want you to burn every single thing that everyone has sent in. Why don't you? You shouldn't have left it. I want you to burn every single package. Let's make a bonfire.

I have to get a broom to get it out behind the washing machine. I want you to burn every single thing everyone has sent in. All the magic cards. All the fucking

Final Fantasy shit. Rules. It's rules. You're gonna take it with you. That's the rule. And you fucking left it here. So I am cleared to have done that. And that's the set that's- oh, what did I say? Me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, The man who tweets about little boys! Vito's Pootie! What's in the box? You know you want it!

Vito's Pootie! Look at all the scale, I smashed it to shit! Vito's Pootie! Vito's Pootie! Vito's Pootie! Vito's Pootie! I knew it was gonna be two shitty ones in a row! There was no way you were gonna give me a good one on the second one!

But you didn't know it would be that bad, did you? I didn't know it would be that bad. I knew it would be bad. I didn't realize it would be the same pop figure. That's so funny. I used it enough to run it away. Guys, it's disrespectful. I'm going to break something you love.

I don't love anything, actually. I don't know what it is. I don't love anything. But I'm going to destroy it's disrespectful. I'm going to break something you love. I don't love anything, actually. I don't know what it is. I don't love anything. But I'm going to destroy it despite you. You've been breaking what I love your whole life by voting Democrat. Because I won four times in a row. You're just mad. I bet you didn't think it would be that guy again.

Okay. Well, if you're leaving it behind, then it could go back in the box. Put it in the box again. Why not? That's funny. How about every week? It's a stupid fucking pop figure. You never know.

You take it home. It could be worth something in 50 years. Like the rest of your crap. I hate you so much. Guys, don't forget to vote on all the problems at biggestproblem.show. And we have a new bonus episode at patreon.com slash biggestproblem And go ahead and let me know in your comments if you think that was funny But you did lose weight, didn't you? I did lose weight

It had nothing to do with your gay pirate routine. I bet there's going to be something good in it next week. Next week you're going to use reverse psychology because you did two in a row and you're going to make me think it's bad and then I'm going to think it's good. How can I give you something bad next week? It's definitely going to be good next week, Vito. You're just going to keep on. Arr.

It has to be good next week. It's definitely gonna be good next week, Vito. You're just gonna keep on. Why? It has to be good next week. It has to be, right? I'm gonna kill you. I'm gonna kill somebody. Oh. I'm gonna kill you for this stupid fucking bit. You shouldn't have just thrown it away. It doesn't make any fucking sense.

I'm gonna rattle the box next time. No, you cannot rattle the box. I don't wanna just thrown it away. Doesn't make any fucking sense. Should have taken it with you. Can I rattle? I'm going to rattle the box next time. No, you cannot rattle the box. I want to rattle the box. No, that's illegal to the pirate code. Is this a pirate show? We have a plank. We have a sword. You've got to walk the plank.

Pirates be known for trickery. Even all the pirates are. Can we end the show? Are we done? What's the point of ending the show now? Why don't you do another This is the best part of the show Do another hour of this

Do another hour of this Arr That's what they want Shiver me timbers Arr Do you guys watch The Biggest Problem in the Universe? What is it?

Guy going arr A guy just dresses up like a pirate Look at the bird Do you remember what the bird's name was? Yeah the bird's name is Fuck you and fuck this bird No the bird's name was I am a ped bird's name is Fuck You and Fuck This Bird. No, the bird's name was I Am A Pedophile. I know you are, but why not?

You're a guy who has the same toy toy- Toy- Two wings! Bet you didn't think that was coming! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Congratulations. You got me. Captain Dick. Never in two million years would you have thought that! Good work, Cumbier. Now you know how Eric Geliath feels! Alright, that's right! I'm going! Now you know how Eric Geliath feels! What he is dealing with! The stalking and harassment! Arrgh! That has been perpetrating!

Well, alright, you landlubbers! I'll tell you a pirate tale now, if you don't mind. Goes a little something like this... Oh, what's the game we're special in toys? Be Toast Moody! All the mana tweets about the boys! Be Toast Moody! Watch out in the box, I guess you messed up this time.

Be Toast Moody! But I'm sure next week there'll be something fine. Be Toast Moody! messed up this time. But I'm sure next week there'll be something fine. Beetles booty. Beetles booty. Beetles booty. Beetles booty. Have a good one, me lads.