The Biggest Problem in the Universe - Episode 14 - Urine and Uranium

Episode Date: November 1, 2021

Nuclear-phobia, Social Malware, Public Urination Laws

I'm so out of it today. Yeah. I don't know, but welcome to the show. Thank you. I think it is all the brain. It's all the seething jealousy that I have for you.

Yeah. I did. I have gotten all the attention. I'm sorry, man. I had nothing. I saw this fucker at Tucker. I couldn't believe it. That's not Tucker.

That's my dream. Alex Jones. I didn't get to go on the show. They just played me. All right, bring us in here. Let's go. What are we doing? Biggest problem.

Now it's on purpose. The universe. Welcome to the biggest problem in the universe. The only show that ranks every problem in the universe from fake noses to brain bruises. I'm your host, Nick Masters, and joining me as always is the famous, the world famous, the world famous champion of civil rights. Is he MLK or is he Malcolm X? I think I'm a mix of the two. He's a mix of the two, ladies and gentlemen.

Martin Luther X. Martin Luther X. Martin Luther X. MLKX, Vito Giswaldi. How are you doing? I'm not good. I'm on top of the world. I'm not good. You're not in the same place.

I'm suffering. Every day. My brain is so bad, I was jerking off and halfway through, I thought it was someone else's cock. I was like, oh my God. And then I beat myself half to death i was like who is this queer kevin hey welcome to the show thank you for having me you please call me dr yes yes this is the great dr kevin p hickerson longtime colleague of mine and uh to be clear kevin is a real doctor you have a phd i believe i have a real

phd in nuclear physics nuclear nuclear physics wow can you believe it so what does that mean well day one they tell you how to pronounce it okay learn this trick you say new and then the word clear problem solved nuclear it's no it's clear nuclear clear got it that's why it's day one of getting a phd you don't get to that level they don't you don't even pronounce it right so are you you and homer simpson basically the same job basically yeah except i never got one of those cool uh things that that pushes the button for you you know the little bird the bird yeah uh could you build a nuke a nuclear bomb absolutely i knew it yeah where does this show air in pakistan only this dude's the real deal man he's got some scare occasionally i always say man sometimes

you say some science stuff and then i get scared yeah you were like the robots are gonna take over in like 20 years that's why i came to the show that's not enough time man i was like trying to have some fun before the robots take over well and you're just like what a whole show dedicated to the dangerous shit of the universe it's like finally a show about what i'm thinking all the time this dude you're like a doomsday scientist where you're basically like we're all fucked and that's why i love you it's just a grift though it's just Yeah, kids say that. Robots are taking over like, okay, buddy. Nuclear robots? Oh, no.

Oh, shit. Those are the worst kind. Okay, do you want to hear about the problems from last week? I do want to hear about the problems from last week. Kevin, we do this contest every week where we vote on the problems. The fans vote on the problems. Fake news. Trump won. That was an easy easy w trump one

one that's his term fake news one fake news one trump lost we've checked those votes numerous times don't start with me traumatic brain injury second place number two long lost lectures friends lecturing you friends seeing you on the news and then taking the moment out of their taking probably an hour and a half out of their day to call you a racist three of those i'm guessing by the way those were uh chosen this was a recent episode this was uh these are all the problems well yeah we uh you know talk about last week's game on the show. We don't just randomly talk about it. That would have been topical as well. OCD toasters.

That was my girlfriend's problem, actually. That's a good problem, though. People who feel like they need to clink every single glass at a bar. Yeah, like cheers. I didn't get a cheers out of this guy. Give the governor a cheers. Okay, Nordic Frost said, Vito's sign didn't kill itself.

Your sign. I like that. I'm not wrapping my head around. I know the reference. Oh, because it was killed. Because it was killed. All right, all right. I got there.

That's really an easy joke. It was a little... What are you, fucking joked out from doing your world tour on Tucker Carl? You're so serious in every show. You're kind of like, well, really, we've got to defend comedy. It's like, who the fuck is this guy?

They love hearing that. Fucking jack me off. No, no, no. I'm joking around with everybody. You know, if I could take a moment here, Tucker. Like, you do got to get a little fired up. Yeah. What did you think about going on Legion of Skanks?

I struggle when it's like five people. It's hard to get your voice into the mix. Yeah, and they know each other really well. I always feel like an asshole because I am an asshole. Right. So I'll make like a sarcastic comment. They'll be like, whoa, yo, man, what's your deal? Just trying to joke, man.

I'm just over here. Don't smash my sign, guys. You think I was too serious on there, though? No, that was fun. That was was a lot of fun I love those guys appreciate them having us on Legion of Skanks that was great hopefully we I like those guys oh you you hoping they text you back

wow that Vito guy was pretty funny next thing you know I'm doing a better podcast next thing you know those guys get good numbers man they put up they put up hits on the board. I don't know how big they are. We were trying to figure that out, but they are pretty big. They're huge.

Because everybody I said, I'm going on the skanks. Everybody, like, you know, flipped their mind. Yeah. Next, we got Seth Joggerty. When Vito said he did that to a trans woman, I was like, I didn't know that, and I did not want to know that. Well, you're going to hear more about it at some point, I'm sure. I had a

trans girlfriend for a minute. It was pretty good. Oni Byrne says, so Vito is the hero of free speech, and Dick is now a handicap. Oh, how the tables have turned. I didn't think about that. Well, Kevin,

I'm glad you got to see all our appearances. Do we call you Dr. Hickerson? Uh, yeah. Dr. Hickerson appearances doctor do we call you Dr. Hickerson uh yeah Dr. Hickerson I'll call you Dr. Hick I'll give you that I always thought Dr. Kevin was a good stage no my favorite thing to do is I make my dentist call me Dr. Hickerson

and more specifically I make the person who calls you in yeah like Kevin hickerson yeah and i more specifically i make the the person who calls you in yeah you know like because the receptionist goes like kevin dr dr mac will see you down i'm just like excuse me man that's a dentist i understand when i go to a doctor's office you know maybe you can get away with that but you're gonna call us both doctor blah blah blah yeah is there like a doctor pissing contest well the dentist gets it he always goes hey dr hickerson great to see you again i'm like this is awesome you got to get

the receptionist on board yeah um solid bm says dick should calm down on trying to trash talk veto after veto brought him along to this protest that made news. That's a good point. It was my trash talking. I have to give you credit though, for the sign construction idea. It's pretty important. Cause I had, yeah, my idea for a sign was going to be like crappy cardboard.

The way to hold up with two hands. You came up with sticks. As we all know, the stick component really ended up playing a major part. Yeah, absolutely. That's just my inner Mexican. i had to go to home depot that morning they have a shrine in the back for us santa home to pino brothers hey jose hermanos there are me some hermanos yeah me how are they doing malo not good man

they're trying to chase me for work on the way out of there uh ray ray pizzazz says wow this sucks all right well okay nice feedback just it sucks i don't know it sucks okay vito would you like to start us you're the big winner i'm the big winner so i'm gonna start us off with my problem let's hear it dick we're all human we all have human needs variety of different needs we need to be loved by a woman we demand shelter whether she has a penis or not whether she has a penis or not no matter but there's one thing that we all need to do and i don't know why we're so upset about it yeah it's going pp yeah taking a piss dick my problem is public urination laws oh okay now what is the problem with just peeing why do we demonize it the way do we do we all have as i've

said we all pee yeah it's it's a basic function of your human body it's a thing that you go and you acquire liquids to keep you alive and then after a while you go all right i have drained that of its resources for my body yeah then you jerk off and piss it all over the place yeah then you release it back out into the ether so why do we care if someone sees it? What? Who gives a shit? If I blow my nose into like a napkin, do you go, oh my God, I can't. Yeah, take that shit back to the bedroom. Get that out of here. Yeah, hide it.

Do we have a private room for it? Or if I spit, if I have something in my mouth and I spit into a bush, do you go, whoa, whoa, whoa. Yes, I do go, whoa, whoa, whoa. That's very bad manners. You're not supposed to spit all... You don't have to ever spit. You can just swallow it. Sometimes you need to spit. No, you do not. You don't have like a... I'm not gonna swallow my fucking spit

if it's like I got like a loogie in my fucking throat. Unless somebody tricked you into eating like an extra hot tamale that you thought was a regular hot tamale and you're like, oh, fuck, I gotta get this out of here. You see a guy like sweating and he like, you know, wipes his brow. And you're like, you know, the sweat ends up on the sidewalk. Do you freak out?

Take that somewhere else. I say that looks like a Pabst Blue Ribbon drinker over there. Put up a screen or something so I don't have to see this while I'm walking around with my fanny pack. This is a normal human bodily secretion. Look, I'm even willing to Secretion's not helping you. I'm even willing to say It's a lizard people on board right there.

Yeah, we should be able to molt in public. We must defend our secretions. I'm even willing to be reasonable and go, I understand that the fecal matter could have a distinct odor that lasts and creates a, you know, a problem. Or, you know, I'm not asking.

It's a biohazard. And I don't want to jerk off in the middle of the public either. I'm not asking for that. At least you have boundaries. But why not? I have boundaries, thank you. How do you know that somebody's not just going to sneak it in while they're pissing? Like, what are you doing over there?

I'm trying to fucking piss. I got it all fucking clogged up over here. I'm not going to sneak it in while they're pissing. What are you doing over there? I'm trying to fucking piss. I got it all fucking clogged up over here. I'm not going to say. My belt is stuck. Some people aren't going to take advantage of my perfect laws where you can pee wherever you want, whenever you want. What kind of law is this? The law would be, look.

Repeal piss laws? Yes. No more. No more. Or at least refine them. Can I just, can I walk down the street like with my hands by i'm just going pissing all over the place i would say clear the way bitch i'm coming through i would say you would have a law that says you must make a reasonable good faith effort to conceal your

penis and other than that or vagina because women should be able to do it too why do i have to hide my penis i mean we're getting to those laws later, but this is our first step towards allowing it. Because it should be fine to show pretty much anything. No, it's not good. I can't defend it. Wait a minute. You're not saying that you should be able to show your penis whenever you want?

Yeah. I don't think the world's ready for that. Why do I have to hide my fucking penis from anybody? No one is getting off on like pissing and getting off i'm not getting off walking around without pants on if you made it okay for people to just get like straight up naked like there would be guys jerking off everywhere and that's not what we want that's not my arrest them throw them in jail okay but look what if a dog came along and bit my underpants and pulled them down and ran off with them, and then I'm just sitting there with no pants?

What, I'm a criminal now? I mean, the dog, you could make a case to the, this is a very complicated scenario that you set up. Kevin, please. Well, I don't know why you're asking for this right now. Like, right now, I can't even show my mouth in a Walmart. I don't understand why you're asking for this right now. Like right now, I can't even show my mouth in a Walmart. I don't understand why this is the trophy at the moment. That's a whole other problem. Is that where we're up against?

Let's all piss with our masks on. We're wearing motorcycle helmets pissing behind Walmart. That is a good point because, oh, that's a good point? No, his point about the mask is a good point because pe peeing is clearly less dangerous than this this global virus whatever the hell no one has ever died from seeing someone you know pee and you people have died from getting coughed on and getting some horrible disease but seeing causes their share of problems medical problems i'm not i'm not that kind of doctor wait if you pee on someone it could cause medical problems what are you talking about no you can't doctor. Wait, if you pee on someone it could cause medical problems? What are you talking

about? No, you can't. Piss is sterile. You can pee on whatever you want. Well, there is... I don't know exactly what the problem is. If you have blood in your urine, maybe it helps. What the fuck are you running with? If you have blood in there, what were you going to say? It can go into the water and stuff.

So, you know, it can cause some plumbing problems. What? Piss can cause plumbing problems? Yeah. Now, I got some insight on this. I visited Tokyo. Awesome city.

Peeing in public is completely legal in Tokyo. Is it really? What? So this is a very extensive experimental area for you to test it. And you see it regularly. And you also smell like waves of it sometimes. Really? There's an upside

and a downside. Yeah. Because I was in Tokyo and they're like, I was trying to drink a beer in the street and people were like hiding their kids' eyes.

Like, don't look at that guy. Well, I don't think you're allowed to. A big white guy and they're like, I don't know

what's going on here. Fucking whores did that too. Mama's sons were like, oh, don't look at that fucking guy. I think you're not allowed to drink in public. I think that's right.

Yeah. But it's not illegal. They just really, they've don't look at that fucking guy. I think you're not allowed to drink in public. I think that's right. Yeah, but it's not illegal. They just really, they've got what's called a perfect society. Well, you know, maybe this is why it works in Tokyo because people don't abuse it.

Well, that's what I'm saying. The problem is you legalize that here. You're not going to see people not peeing. That's what I'm worried about. I'm going to piss all day, every day.

I'm just going to go to, I wouldn't have a problem with that. I really wouldn't. I'm going to have a prank show where I hide outside of a bank in a bush and I just drink Gatorade and then as soon as somebody comes out, I go, Look, I'm not trying to make it legal to pee on people. You know that.

You know I'm not trying to legalize that. But I think that if you have a full bladder, it's a natural human thing that you need to do. Yeah. When did they bring up these laws? When you lived in the medieval times, you'd go outside the tavern, you'd pee on, you know, the fields. And then you'd go back inside and hit a wench, whatever.

Is that accurate? I don't know. That's accurate. And it's only now that they go, oh, you know, your pee can't go. Our pee used to go everywhere. It used to be all over this beautiful land i think anyone who owns a bar yeah i know we were talking about this earlier you're not much of a drinker but i've i've been to bars yeah i think anyone who's owned a bar is is strongly in favor of these laws

because that's where it really breaks down that's where society and the peeing in public breaks down yeah but you know what that's not the? That's not the people's fault. They should put in those troughs like at Dodger Stadium outside of bars. No, no. Okay. I'm going to do you this. It is, how are we going to harass homeless people if we don't have piss laws? Exactly.

Like there needs to be nipple high piss stations. Because you can't let the homeless people have a door. Just shoot up, beat off, rape each other, whatever. Can't give them a doorway, you're saying? No.

Yeah. They lost that privilege. Jesus Christ. But we can give them nipple high, like a shield. Yeah. Yeah.

Out in public that they could go piss in. Oh, come on. I've been to downtown LA. There's bushes that are already this high they're not using those so they're all prickly no i just want someone to face away from the street that's all i'm asking nobody in downtown la is doing that yeah so you're saying that solution is no good well actually when i just don't think it's being enforced right let me put it somewhere in france they do have like public urinals just like uh you know against like hooked up to buildings or

bridges or whatever and it's like yeah you know you had a long day drinking some wine isn't this the french way you gotta let a little go what's the problem not to mention you know where else it's legal to pee? Wherever you want? Berlin. Somalia? No, shut up, Somalia. Berlin! A beautiful German... Wait, really? Yeah, you can pee... Because they know you're drinking beautiful German lagers. Wow.

What is day long? Now I'm rethinking how World War II ended. We got Tokyo, Berlin. What the fuck's going on? These are the ex-piss powers. Had it all figured out. Not exactly. All right, now we are in the Nazi pocket.

They messed up a couple of things. But the piss thing, that was right. They were dead on there. They had some stuff figured out. And they got all the trains to run. Why do you know all this information? Well, because I do my research, Dick, of course. All right.

Not to mention the Chinese, very beloved people. Some of the smartest. All right. Are they allowed to piss outside their caves that they live in? Well, 88% of Chinese people say public urination is no problem, so they're a little advanced there. What a shocker. What about India? Are they allowed to piss while they're shitting in their rivers? Actually, I have a list here of the various fines that you'll incur for pissing in public in different parts of the world.

That's research. This is fun. India, there is a fine. It's a whole hundred rupees. Do you know what a hundred rupees translates into? Only in Zelda terms. A buck fifty-eight. Dollar fifty-eight and you can pee wherever you want.

That's practically legal. We could do that. Make it rain. Manila is going to be eleven dollars. New York, fifty. That's it? And only fifty, interestingly. Yeah, but you Manila is going to be $11. New York, $50. That's it? And only $50, interesting. Yeah, but you get put on the sex offender registry.

Well, that's the thing is that previously in New York, it was, what do you call it, a criminal infraction. But then they realized, you know, this is just that broken window fallacy, the idea, oh, we got to get rid of all the little crime because then it leads to big crime. A guy peeing on the street is not going to knock him. That's not the broken window fallacy. What is it? Trust knock on the window. That's not the broken window fallacy. What is it? Trust me. We know. We've studied the broken window fallacy for a long up and down and left and right.

We've had Nobel laureates on to talk about the broken window fallacy. That ain't what it is. No, it's that little crimes lead to big crimes, right? Yeah. And a little crime would be peeing on the street. That's not the broken window fallacy. That's called something else. Okay.

Well, whatever it's called. This article I read said it was. But if you want to disagree, it was this, you know. Fake news. We're cracking down on too much. Like, why is this criminal? Again, everybody needs to pee. We don't need to put people in jail for this.

They don't need to be sex offenders. What about like in San Francisco where light poles are falling down because all the homeless have pissed? Like the Grand Canyon, they've eroded it with their piss. They're like chopping down a tree with the light poles. They all piss in the same spot. This is true. This is happening. It sounds very believable. It's crumbling the cement so the shit's falling down and killing white people, killing innovators.

Well, in addition to getting rid of public urination law i also think yes you should build more bathrooms and have them be more accessible we've always known that uh there's people who even have bathroom issues i mean the worst part is with this covid thing it seems like there's less bathrooms because they go we don't want to clean that you might have co i know yeah finding a public bathroom is a nightmare yeah uh it's insane and i'm like i can't imagine again i'm a guy like if i really gotta piss i'm like i can't imagine again i'm a guy like if i really gotta piss i'm gonna piss on a building if you're a lady what do you do cares yeah if you're like okay look you motherfucker lady i have to mention look people are afraid of pp right

they're afraid of urine why not only is it sterile okay it's perfectly sterile you could rub pee all they use urine as a as a facial moisturizer and some people do who's they i don't know psychopath ladies indian ladies and mexican ladies probably pretty sure that's it some different culture whatever no no guys are waking up at the more oh yeah i'm fucking get a good rinse get those molars back there i need a nice piss stench all over my fucking face why do you think my skin is so smooth women could get away with that you got you got a rocket at you smell like piss but your ass is rocking so we're taking you to pound town look urine has a lot of great uses dick and importantly you can cool down reactors with piss

that's a really good solution get enough piss put a put a uranium rod get an assembly liner guys like all right it's just everybody go at it now have you tested it you're the nuclear guy yeah human urine maybe it might be the way to go. And, of course, look, we're telling people, I think you piss on a bush, you piss in a potted plant. What do you got? Urine's an excellent fertilizer, Dick. It is? With all that ammonium?

Well, you got to, I mean, you don't want to keep pissing on the same plant. Consent and it will die. What a great fertilizer. No, no, no. You can use it as fertilizer. I know. My best friend in high school used to say that all the time like i check this out i'm gonna go fertilize all right

i know they say that as a joke but i looked it up they said is urine okay for plants and they say yeah you can absolutely i'm sure he looked it up yeah i never doubted the veracity of that dick it boasts a nitrogen phosphorus potassium ratio of 10 to 1 to 4, which they say is perfect for cabbage, beets, cucumbers, and tomatoes. All of our favorite fruits. Beets. Who doesn't love beets? So you want what?

Bombs walking around pissing and growing beets in the street? That would be great. That would be great. Why don't we put them on the streets? We're not homeless. We're farmers. They're going to play this on Tucker Carlson, and Tucker is going to play that part. This was the guy that we talked about last week,

and then he's going to go, here's my casino, here is my plan for San Francisco. We line the streets with planters, with beets, cucumbers, tomatoes. The homeless can piss and shit as they come and go. Shit too? Oh my God!

They go together. I'm sorry. I'm making an exception for the homeless. Regular people, you have to be homeless. If you're homeless, you're allowed to shit in them. Experiencing homelessness. Everybody's allowed to pee in them. And then soon the streets of San Francisco will be flowing with cucumbers.

Well, that's... Now then you'll have jizz all over the street. Well, we still have to clamp down on that. Oh, what? It's raining. It's raining men today, boys. The science is out on the use of... Cucumber fight. Open your buns.

The jizz and fertilizer has not been completely proven yet, but it could have. Yes, Kevin. I went to a Halloween party many, many years ago in that part of San Francisco that's even gayer than the rest of San Francisco. Castro Street? Castro, yes. I mean, I don't know why.

Maybe it was. The part of San Francisco that's gayer than the rest of San Francisco. And Dick immediately got there. I love that. You know what? Because on The Simpsons... I knew what you were saying, too.

And I was like, yeah, yeah. Because on The Simpsons, when Castro goes, it's full of what? That's why I know. I was like yeah yeah because on the simpsons when castro goes it's full of what that's why i know that was like oh really they went to a party castro and uh man they take public urination very seriously there i had to wait in line for a spot on a fence it was like there was many lines waiting for slots on all my bad. What's the deal? They not have like bathrooms in the bars or it was just like,

it was just overload coke and a dick sucking going on in the bathrooms. They're all occupied. What are you pissing in there? I got to set these cocks. I got to do 10 lines of blow off. They're forcing you out violently. They're like, that's not what that's for.

You pee outside like a gentleman. These are clearly for coke and blowjobs only. Get out of here. These toilets don't even work, you idiot. You're going to flood our glorious room. Piss in the blowjob toilet. Who did this? Get a bucket.

Get a bucket. We got to clean this thing out now. We got a siphon. Oh, we got that covered don't worry don't worry about that completely ruined it now it's all tainted we're gonna start over like those girls that eat sundaes out of the toilet yeah but it's jizz is that what you were saying what are you talking about you know like those tiktoks oh yeah those embarrass me for a couple of minutes but why do they do that?

I saw like one of those videos and I was very confused Why do women do that? Because they're disgusting They shut off the toilet tank or whatever How do they do it? They find broken toilets Do they line the toilet? Okay so they buy like a toilet and then they like I don't know

No one's asking them Yes they are They make like they dump like ice cream and then they like, I don't know. I thought I saw someone asking them. Making something in a real toilet. Yes, they are. They make like, they dump like ice cream and gummy worms and M&Ms and stuff and make a giant toilet full of ice cream

and then they lick, they eat it and lick it all over. Was it a toilet that was like hooked up and then they say, I'm Harley Quinn. Look, man,

I think the audience understands where I'm coming from. I a big guy i drink a big a big beverage i do this came to me while i was driving around vegas and i just i don't know i can't pretty sure you can piss wherever you want in vegas i don't know what the law is but they're not they're not uh they're not fixing it or you know what? My buddy got stuck in a piss trap. Oh, that's a good... Yeah, he was... They're just like, this way. He was drunk as shit in Chicago.

And so he comes out of the... Stumbles out of the bar. He leans against this. He's like, oh, look at right there. That looks like a perfect spot to go piss down downtown Chicago. So he goes over there, puts his hand up,

whips out his tiny penis, and starts peeing. And all of a sudden, whoop! So I'm right there. And his hand up, whips out his tiny penis and starts peeing. And all of a sudden, whoop, siren right there. And he's like, oh, he gets arrested right there. I don't know. He got there. Like, oh, it used to be like a criminal thing. He goes, what are you fucking?

What are you fucking doing? They're like, this is a fucking piss trap, dude. We sit out here. It's like a speed trap, but a pig because it looks so inviting. That is a really good warning. piss in. That is a really good warning. Fucking cops. They get a garner to perfectly shape the bush into like a toilet.

Yeah. Spray paint it white. And you're in Hebrew. It's like a toilet over there. Oh, they got me again with the bush toilet. Every time. They're playing waterfall sound effects.

Or a real toilet in castro right hey that's not what that's for decorative and flowers growing out of it well i think that's a stupid problem you're an idiot that's a big problem i might i might even venture to say it's the biggest problem in the universe, Dick. Wow. What's it called? Public urination laws. Public urination laws. But you don't want guys to be able to show their wieners. I think you should make a good faith effort to conceal your wiener.

You can fucking do that. Do you have like a latex wrap around your dick? There should be a mask and understood. Aimed at least at the right direction like a sex look act is through a shade you got to be at least you know whatever inches from the wall it's turned at at least a 45 degree angle or whatever else okay or use the car door to block it make sure people aren't around that kind of i mean that's how they do it in tokyo

yeah you're not allowed to expose yourself. Let's ask the Japanese how they do it. They'll tell us. They love giving us their little lessons online. Sorry about the outcome of that war thing, but how are you in Berlin doing this? Yeah, exactly. Let's be real.

It's not about the urine. It's about the seeing of the penis because it's totally legal to piss your pants. No one can stop me from going over to a wall and peeing all over myself. They just don't want to stop you from doing a lot of things. A cop can't roll up and go, hey, stop pissing

your pants, right? They'll shoot you. So what's the difference if I piss my pants? George, they'll shoot your penis off. What are you going to do about it, copper? Oh, yeah? Like RoboCopop shoot that fucking dick right it's legal for me to pee on the street in my pants why can't you lower my pants two inches and just not pee all over my pants i don't know right yeah well we'll see

kevin do you have otherwise i'm just gonna pee my pants do you have a knot it's gonna be my thing like one that is a problem you want me to bring up my my problem yeah we're done with this man i i really over prepared i think for the show given the laws i thought i i got very uh mentally involved into this this problem good this is actually a long problem i've been working on for a long time i feel like i'm taking this show too seriously no no that's okay all right so we're gonna have like a serious interlude here okay she didn't bring female genital mutilator that was a great problem all right uh it's it's not totally like a woke problem. It's not related. It's related to it. It's not that. Okay. The problem is social malware. Social malware?

Yeah. This is a term I came up with. I think it is actually one of the greatest threats to humanity and possibly even one of the greatest threats to intelligent life throughout the universe. So that's why I'm taking this. More than pissing outside? More than public pissing outside. I don't know what the lizard people are doing on old mock for,

or whatever they might, they might've had a whole in the ground. Kevin, if we don't let people pee, the lizard people will emerge social malware. Yeah. So, uh,

okay. So Richard Dawkins came up with the term meme, you know, and now there's pictures of people, uh, uh, eating out of a toilet and then there's funny jokes about that you guys are probably memed now yeah there's a great meme

of dick right now because there's a shot of when he got shoved into a planter yeah the background he's getting shoved in like a minecraft lava pool yeah i've been laughing my ass off at your misfortune i know somebody has me being shoved into a holocaust oven. That's a little far. You know what? That doesn't even exist. I just made it up right then. That's a good one, though. Someone's going to make that. You're trying to figure out these Berlin laws here.

Alright. Come on, guys. Call in and tell us how you make it work. Alright. Okay, so he came up with this idea for a meme and also some more old school stuff. There was the Foundation series by, what's his name? Asimov. Asimov.

Yeah. And in that, a scientist figures out how to- The magician. Yeah. He figures out how to program human behavior, how to program society. Yeah. All right. What I'm worried about is, oh, and there there's a third thing which is the game of life

all right the board game conway the conway problem yeah and just to name drop i went to college yeah wait wait tell me what the conway problem is the game go ahead conway came up with one of the simplest remind me of what it is explain it so i know of course i don't have to explain to the audience so the game of life is one of the simplest examples of something that actually got much more complicated later but it's the simplest example where you just have black and white squares and you program them with simple rules and and you can basically come up with artificial life with this system because the simple rules propagate, and they make a pattern repeat itself. And it's a really simple model for something that researchers went into later

where they started programming artificial life on computers. They would try and simulate life. They'd simulate it like a tiny little block of DNA. It'd copy itself to another one. They'd give it rules. And they try and simulate life. They'd simulate like a tiny little block of DNA. It'd copy itself to another one. They'd give it rules. And they'd give it rules. And then, so they started studying this.

And one of the most amazing things they discovered about this is that if you introduce a thing that life has, which is mutations, if you allow for that code to just occasionally mutate, you get, you actually give birth to viruses.

In fact, this is probably where viruses come and this is why i didn't call it social viruses because i'm so sick of hearing about viruses because of the pandemic so i took that out of the name there's so many new movies that came out about like a this virus i'm like oh no i almost didn't want to talk about it just for that i was like oh this is so done but it's social malware. It's different than a virus because part of it is people contribute to it. It's not as simple as just a thing that mutates. People are starting to get, you know, every, everybody, you know, every country, every, uh, company now, you know, especially the big social media companies, they all think they're like little puppet masters trying to, you know especially the big social media companies they all think they're like little puppet masters trying to you know like in your guys's case they're trying to cancel something

they're trying to stop offending people they're trying to to get elected to make money so this is a big part of my problem with netflix if i can interrupt for a second is that all these companies are setting up these situations in this uh this temperature of violence where this um like the protest that netflix said come on out uh bring your loudest bring your most bring your most obnoxious friends yes come and have a big annoying party and we're gonna we're gonna reap the benefits by having this blasted all over the news like these companies are doing this on purpose to get, to sell products.

So they have their own motivations to do it. Right. And they all also, like I said, they think they're in charge, they're running the whole show, but they're not right. The reality is nobody,

even at the top of these companies, like the Zuckerbergs and the, the, whoever the fuck runs Netflix, none of these people, you know, and I'm even talking about the serious stuff, you Netflix. None of these people should know. And I'm even talking about the serious stuff, you know, like we were, you know, back in the last election, people were talking about the Russian trolls and everything trying to control the world. Now we're worried about China trying to control the world.

All these people think they're trying to win this big prize and manipulate stuff. this big prize and manipulate stuff but really they're just making the tools that are becoming these almost like these uh these richard dachshunds like memes these self-propagating things that are going to expand past the control of any of these people malware malware sits in your head and it acts it is mal it's not just one person's head because the reason it's social malware this is why it's so dangerous now is this always was a right? But we used to be like sitting around a campfire. What's the worst you're going to do? You're going to infect your buddies with a bad idea at a campfire. You know, sooner or later, all of you are going to walk away from the campfire like,

yeah, we should be able to piss in public, god damn it. Everybody's on board, right? Spread before. The 10 guys came up with the idea that they should be able to piss in public tonight the difference is now we've connected the entire fucking world using satellites and telephones and and social media and all this shit and we're spreading to people we don't even we can't even speak their language and there's there's computer programs running the spread for us and china is creating it on purpose, on their own.

Have you seen- A lot of people are creating it on purpose for different reasons. So have you seen like China's, some of their propaganda of like America is like a gun system. Some of their like political cartoons and their little video explainers of like, it looks like a- America says they care about this, but then they shoot black people and have like a little cartoon of like, it, it, it looks like a, it looks like they care about this, but then they shoot black people and have like a little cartoon. Yeah. And it's like watching the itchy and scratchy from like Turkey or something.

I'm like, man, that's fucking, that's fucked. That is uncanny Valley. A hundred percent. But there's gotta be a significant amount of people were like, absolutely.

That's absolutely correct. So, uh, programming the human all over the world love propaganda, right? But these dystopian fucking giant communist countries like China and the Soviet Union, they took propaganda to a new level. And they really helped invent this. I'm not blaming them.

I'm just saying, I mean, everybody has contributed. But they really helped invent this back a long time ago, about 50 years ago. So George Orwell actually wrote about this. I don't just mean in the book, but he actually wrote serious essays on it. And he talked to philosophers in Russia and, and, uh, he talked to them about how Soviet propaganda was different than earlier propaganda. Like, so there was, uh, there was Japanese propaganda and Nazi propaganda to the war, but that war, that propaganda was more like, Hey, just believe this disinformation that we're better or something, you know, it was very straightforward,

but Stalin did this really amazing thing where he, he started introducing misinformation, not because he was trying to mislead people into believing the misinformation. That wasn't what it was for. He actually would come up with conflicting stories. And the reason for this was he was trying to get people to be exhausted of trying to find out what's real. It wasn't to say like, hey, the story is I'm great. And that's all you need to believe. The story was like 10 different things. And they still do this in Russia. For example, Putin's great at this. He does this all the time. He does like three different stories about who's really running the US

or who's running China or what. Like why is he riding a horse with no shirt on? My God, I gotta think about this all day. I was supposed to pay my taxes but I'm still trying to fucking wonder like, wait, he scored how many goals in hockey? 20? 20.

In one period? No way. That's impossible. No. This is where I get worried. It's because I'm not worried about Putin's misinformation or anything or specific stories. I'm worried about the fact that this is bigger than any one country now. Yeah.

Yeah. This is just infecting all of our heads and it's, and we're participating we don't even know well you guys are probably no we've gotten to the point yeah we've got no no no i'm better i'm too my mind yeah you used to be all out i'm like cable and make it worse now we're getting companies to put robots in charge of it you know we used to be worried about robots taking over i'm not really worried about that now i'm worried that there's some blurry boundary between human minds and robot minds where we don't even know how we talk to each other anymore it's just this shit just you know

i'm worried about the day when uh they say that robots are like real and sentient and i know that they're not and it's like robophobic to say that i gotta be like 80 and I'm like, I'm not fucking calling this robot by its robo nouns. It's a fucking machine. Yeah, fuck you. They're like, oh, you can't say that. You can't say fuck you

to the robot. I will say fuck you to the robot because I know it can't kill me. I fucking know it can't kill me and the robot's

going to be sitting there like, and it's not allowed to kill you because of the laws. Yeah, I know that it can and they're going to be like, no, It's not allowed to kill you because of the laws? Yeah, I know that it can. And they're going to be like, no, that's a myth. That's a Fox News.

That's a fucking Fox News myth. Trump's hologram started that myth. They can kill you. Like, no fucking way they can. I'll fuck a robot. I'll fight a robot and fuck one. Any day. You were saying?

Yeah. Can robots pee in public? I think they're allowed to release their fluids i want to see dick masterson's i robot where you're just a great old man challenging robots i would win do it i would win i'm gonna i mean matter of fact i might freeze myself in the event that my services are required like demolition man yeah some type of robot robot and or woman takeover of the world happens yeah it needs to be pulled back from the brink you guys must have at least contemplated this i'm pretty sure you thought

about this like the netflix thing was a great example it was like is this just actually publication is this like a like a cross-fired thing where like some uh algorithm at netflix just said you know what you guys need to do to promote this special? Do a protest against it and then just give it more. Here's what I'm seeing in the future. It's influencers that are totally fabricated by the CIA or whatever, a Time Warner charter cable spectrum, whatever. Absolutely.

And where we're at now, I think we're finally, or maybe we're a now like we're I think we're finally or maybe we're packed couple years past no we're definitely couple years past the tipping point where genuine grassroots influencers are have been obliterated cap Milo you know I was Alex Jones taken out by the the best example who would you say has been kneecapped and taken out in their right before their prime i would have to think of some examples but yeah they're not there there's so then whoever takes their place is astroturfed right like that's not that's not genuine so now why not just manufacture them like that uh like that that okay boomer bitch like aoc she's probably

just an actress that auditioned for this role of a donkey-toothed woman who could scream nonsense about socialism that she doesn't even understand right well next we're gonna have uh the cg characters you know we're getting more and more of them movies right yeah soon the cg characters are gonna be canceling real actors not just because they give a shit about what they say but they're just like dude i want that role well i'm gonna be cast and save money if we if we just ruin this guy's life we could save a lot of money well we already have cg influencers i mean you've seen i made my own little anime avatar but they have those those women who who make a little anime cartoon version of themselves yeah it really is yeah oh. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Like that one lady. What's her name?

The biggest one. Well, Hatsune Miku. But there's one, the Kizuna AI. I mean, they're all controlled by corporations or whatever. And they're like,

yeah, just funny. Interesting. For now, they are, you know? Yeah. Well, you think they're going to become like real AI?

And I'm not. I want to be clear. I'm not so worried about AI by itself. I'm here because it's stupid. I'm worried about this no it doesn't work it doesn't work i'm worried that corporations are going to be relying on ai

and they think their motives are being satisfied but really they're just they're sitting there jumper cabling you know viral soup they just they have no idea what it does well they're fucking up all our brains because nobody believes anything anymore because why would you it's so easy to fake everything yeah uh i don't even know if alec baldwin's real i don't think anything happened i think it's all a deep psyop to take our guns i don't know what it is alec baldwin did nothing wrong i love that guy what if i was a fed that'd be my dream what becoming a federal informant like yeah sure being a federal is really fun to be looking at what's going on. You're like, oh, you guys don't even know we did all this.

We made all this happen. Yeah. Yeah. This whole insurrection thing, dude, we were like just doodling one day. Yes! And we're like, that would be fucking hilarious. There's guys there going like, oh, we have to go into the Capitol. Like, Lurch, what the fuck are you doing there?

What the fuck are you talking about? That was some good work by the deep State or whatever the fuck it is. They really nailed it. They made it a spectacle, man. I didn't expect it. I don't know what's going on anymore. What should we do? All kill each other.

Sounds like. This is why I think this is too serious for the show. It's too sad. There's no comic side to this because the more already think about it i'm not just worried about humanity i'm not even worried about today anymore i'm worried this could take down every civilization that ever connects itself to you know it's like you know like look we're still we're the most ability to sort through this this misinformation or what exactly well i think the brain can be programmed the human mind the

human mind can be but even worse the world billions of minds can be programmed in a way that's more sophisticated than a single mind can understand that's what i'm worried about that there's this this this code almost like it's like chain yeah yeah exactly computing globally yeah like as fast as possible exactly imagine trying to be like a transistor in a computer trying to contemplate what program is running on your penny and mine you're never gonna get it ever saying there is a pattern above uh me and dick running around doing whatever thing it's all an orchestrated virus yeah and it's that we have no comprehension or understanding you can see people reacting to it like their performative cynicism when they're like oh

you guys just you guys just went there seeking attention so it's like you why are you already pre-programmed exactly there's already a narrative that's that's spread you know it's already ready there's already a narrative of hey it's a big fat white guy me towering over a tiny little lady yeah clearly he's pushing her and breaking her stuff or whatever right but then our supporters i hate to say are almost also like have predetermined roles within the machine where it's like i don't think you can exist without them i'll do you one bet like i don't think that there is a person that has a unique identity that's not a gestalt of things that they've picked up through childhood and now And now that influencing stage is now hyper-compressed

and cybernetically guaranteed to follow you. Like, it's no longer the past. The past for us is like 20 years. The past for kids now is going to be about six months. Like, it's going to be, well, you said, well, we don't say that word. It's like, you said that word fucking seven months ago. I was a homophobe. I'm reporting to re-education camp.

The dead meme thing, right? It's like, hey, that's a dead meme. What do you mean that's a dead meme? There was some dude, some sports writer who got caught because he's like, I refuse to ever use the name of the Atlanta Braves. What an offensive name. They're like, you said it three days ago. He was really confused. And then he like started going into like his

old sports articles and like any time it said atlanta braves just replaced with atlanta and they're like bro you what that's that's such a great example though yeah i mean no wonder we're getting confused we're replacing our own memories with like whatever the hell the internet's memory is anything if you didn't write it down, you didn't remember. Now, imagine when we get more advanced, where it's like, we don't even bother talking to each other. We're just like, no, I uploaded the, you know, and just Facebook, you know, Mark Zuckerberg is sitting there feeding

our memories to us about what we did last week. And this is why I got scared, because I was like, this might explain the Fermi Paradox. Do you guys know the Fermi Paradox? I do, but explain it to me again, so I know. So the Fermi Paradox, you guys know the Fermi paradox? I do, but explain it to me again so I know. So the Fermi paradox, Fermi, a nuclear physicist. No, no, no.

I've heard the name. It's why Fermi said, he said he doesn't believe in intelligent aliens. I don't want to disappoint anybody. Oh, I know what you're talking about. These fucking nerds love aliens and space. Oh, I can't wait're talking about. All right. Oh, yeah. These fucking nerds love aliens and space.

Oh, I can't wait to go fuck rocks in space. Elon Musk, give him more of, tax me and give him more of my money so I can go fuck a rock on Mars. Oh, man, I would love it. Ooh, I'm too cold. Can you turn on the fucking heat in here? But Mars, I would love to go to. Look at all these fucking rocks

and they're red. I've never seen red before because I'm a fucking idiot. Oh, man. You are like, I want you to say this to a child. I want you to find a kid who's like, I want to be an astronaut in space. Just tell him, you're so fucking dumb. You're so fucking, you have no fucking sense of life. You sound just like Horace's talk

to the kids about space. My sister made me explain evolution to my nephew when he was like five because he came in and she's like, he's got a question for you.

Uncle, how does like hair, why is some hair different than in the dogs and others? And I said, well, when you get a baby,

there could be mutations in the genes of the structure of the baby that will change their hair and over time, ones that let them survive better, they stick because they have more babies and he goes huh i hope i have a weird baby in me and i said he got it don't tell me i didn't explain evolution he fucking got it that's exactly

that's exactly the correct response to that i hope i I make a weird baby. No, I hope I have a weird baby in me. I didn't get into the specifics of pregnancy. I just explained the nature of evolution. He doesn't know how babies work, but he knows about passing along genetic material. He understood it. He understood the concept. Fermi paradox. Fermi said, look, there can't be aliens around because there's so many stars out there.

And most of them are way younger or way older than our star. It's like, dude, if there were intelligent aliens all over, they'd be like hanging out here all the time. They'd be here already. We'd be like working for them or something. And, you know, maybe we are. That's for another podcast uh but lizard men but uh one possible solution to that and uh carl sagan was big into this he said well war would nuclear war would do it you know but we avoided nuclear war for now anyway so yeah there

may be another possibility maybe there's something way more dangerous than we don't we haven't yet exposed ourselves to and one of those, we know all aliens would want, once they get to a certain evolutionary state, you know, advanced stage, they'd become global. Like we're doing right now. They'd have to,

right. They just, yeah, they turn the global. That's right. Second, he says that term. I'm like,

all right, we're going to move this conversation. But they're going to some but they're gonna connect they're gonna connect their intelligence together and I'm wondering if that's always where it goes bad you know just the way yeah they hive mind it and then their hive mind gets infected you know it's like

and it's dark ages forever yeah and everyone's trying to share their favorite fucking cat picture god damn it we're fucked remember that time I made a punch in the toilet? And you're like, okay, hive mind shut down. Right, Elon Musk is even like trying to build a rock and he's just like, I'm a dogecoin.

You know, it shuts the whole thing down. Have you ever heard? Dude, he tried to start a university called Tits today. Come on. That was so stupid, Elon did. I would love to punch that guy in the face, man. Look, we're all possible victims. He said it twice.

What does tits stand for? The Texas Institute of Technology something school. It's science. Science, science. And it was like, oh, tits. People were saying tits. And then the next day, he's like, oh, yeah. Massachusetts have MIT.

Caltech has, California has Caltech. And Texas is like, stop. Stop. You got, you made it. do you think about the fermi paradox uh is that aliens all become gay because they get so sick of women that i've heard that one before actually yeah you've heard that one while I was waiting for a while I was waiting for a spot on a fence in Castro yeah you guys were going

you think all the aliens just turned gay yeah we got these sex dolls they're not so great but you know better than the alternative I like to imagine there's a giant planning eating robot out there and that's where all the aliens keep getting swallowed

up he's eventually going to make it here and we have to fight him off that is the plot of my movie Robophobic starring Dick Mac Robophobic that's what you were saying earlier I was going to say the n-word but with R and I said that was too much I can't say that

Jesus Christ well I didn't say it I know but I get where you're coming with it that would have been the joke and it's funny your brain was hijacked by some meme it was like a meme of me wanting a bank account it was hijacked by that I want

to say it well don't say it now you can't say it after you say I want to say it because then you've given it too much power you want to know here's a robot racist joke what do they call a robot flying a plane what do they call it

a pilot you robo racist alright okay good one nailed it alright that's a pretty good problem A pilot, you robo-racist. All right. Okay. Good one. Nailed it. All right. That's a pretty good problem. Give us the name of that problem, Dr. Kevin.

Social malware. Social malware. Social malware. It's the biggest problem in the universe. I had a problem, but you know what? We're short on time. I actually want my problem to be nuclear power fear. Nuclear phobia. What do you think about about that you're the expert on this that sounds like the problem i probably should have brought no no no it's funnier when i

do this is see because i'm a host i bring up i think that's actually a very serious problem i would consider that more a political problem like a temporary political problem but yeah i don't know about that though because people are really afraid of it we have this weird thing right going on right now and this is one of the things i think nuclear phobia do it that's what i'm doing okay that's what you're doing yeah all right yeah all right i mean one of the weirdest things you got these people who are scared to death of climate change but some reason don't like nuclear power and then you have people who love nuclear power and don't give a shit about climate change it's like why are you guys like you are you guys programmed to disagree for no fucking reason it makes no sense i don't give a fuck about climate change but i want 15 000 nuclear reactors

all over the planet if you go and ask me it's weird they're so correlated it's like well the real problem is climate change okay let's build some nuclear react no it's like three people died once correlated if if would nuclear solve a lot of climate change oh absolutely yeah yes absolutely like how how how deeply so here's one i heard and you can probably give us more stats on this that the san onofre nuclear plant. San Onofre? Yeah, San Onofre. It's like 100,000 windmills to equal one. They wiped out. They shut that plant down because they couldn't run it at 100%. They had to run it at 80%.

Because at 100, it had like some harmonic distortion that would have blown up the plant in 10,000 years. So they didn't want to run it at 80. So instead they said, well, we're scrapping the whole thing, shutting it down. And they wiped out exactly 20 years

of green tech that they had been building up. Yeah, now they're trying to do the same thing to Diablo Canyon, which was referenced in The Simpsons, too. I love that. Diablo Canyon 1, why can't you be like Diablo Canyon 2? I love that joke. How many active reactors are there right now in America? In California, there's two.

Diablo Canyon 1 and Diablo Canyon 2. And we're always having balance. They want to shut them down. And that's 50% of carbon free energy in California so the same people who want to make us eat bugs

and drive Teslas to avoid it look at Lizzo is that one of them? you can avoid her fire up any app and the Apple news is like Liz, Lizzo's big fat ass. Oh, God, I can't click away.

I don't know where this thing that windmills were the magic solution. We had windmills like 400 years ago. Why do people think that a nuclear power plant is old-fashioned? But we need these windmills that the people in Holland reason. How else am I going to mill my grain, Dr. Kevin? My grain needs milling, damn it. That's all I'm concerned with.

Put on your handmaidens outfit, bring your grain out to Palm Springs. Can we get more water wheels going here, people? That's what I want. Why not? Why isn't there that? I guess there is that water wells well there's you know we need a million of them now to offset one nuclear reactor what do you think about nuclear power well from everything i understand of it it's like yeah just build them

and don't fuck it up and if you i don't know just keep building them isn't it crazy though how much people hate them they're terrified of them i mean i'm hearing from men like, well, you know, you don't know. Maybe these girls got a point. Because, well, we've never had. So what the closest America ever came to prom was Three Mile Island, right? And what happened there? Like the control rods, like some sensor didn't pick them up right. Or what happened? I don't know.

Well, there was a partial meltdown, which sounds bad and is bad. Yeah. But zero people died. Yeah yeah was there like a big radiation leak from there's not a big radiation leak at all yeah in fact there's this video there's this hilarious video where a woman who lives near through my island she's trying to show people how scary it was she takes them to her plates and she has these plates called fiesta plates and they're famous plates because they have uranium. And she was trying to say,

see, this is fallout. And it was like, no, you bought radioactive. Why is this bitch on television? It's because of social malware. This is why I would expect now more than ever,

we would be able to have so many backup systems and everything else. Like, couldn't you make a reactor?'s just safe beyond absolutely what are we worried about earthquakes and tidal waves yeah no we're we're i mean most reactors that have had any problems are very old designs yeah how old was fukushima fukushima is pretty old it was a generation two reactor we're on generation four right now now. That's called advanced reactor designs. That's like Dungeons and Dragons terms. I understand that. 2 and 4 is way

different. 4.0 is relearned. Yeah. I mean, it's... Orcs aren't naturally aligned anymore. Orcs are black now. No. Whoa! Exactly. Plus 2 basketball attacks. Alright. It's like one of the... Even Gen 2 was one of the safest

uh types of electricity that you can have yeah and what's hilarious is more people die per kilowatt hour falling off a roof installing solar panels that have been killed per megawatt a human element yeah people just ignore that now i'm not saying hey roofs are dangerous let's cancel roofs i'm not saying we should all live in pyramids like blade runner yeah i've always advocated for the the perfect structure teepees yeah you live in a pyramid nothing ever goes wrong uh no but it does seem like uh we just know they work and yeah it's just is like misfounded fear of like it's just people being superstitious i watched a movie or whatever you know yeah they put out a show they put out an hbo show just every so often to scare people so like

they had that chernobyl show so i went on another podcast where i had to like fact check that one and they had all kinds of bullshit in there. First of all, most people died from fire. That's ignored by people. The firefighters mostly died from fire. Yeah, but they were like, it could melt through into the water and kill 50 million people. I am not trying to justify the Chernobyl experiment. That was a terrible reactor.

Yeah. All right. That was, Let's not build more of those. But who built that? Stupid commies and their idiots. Yeah, they are idiots. And GE is the finest company in the world. This fucking shit, man.

GE builds tremendous reactors. But they showed all kinds of... They showed like birds dropping from the sky. That never fucking happened. There were no birds dropping from the sky. That never fucking happened. There were no birds dropping from the sky. That was coincidental. Those birds just died. And then people say like when somebody says,

oh, well, windmills kill birds, which they do. They're like, oh, that's crazy talk. Everybody knows they just fall out of the sky from Chernobyl. Now, even if you, so what is like the radius of, I mean, I assume if a plan. But we wouldn't even have a full meltdown, I don't think. Like, is there any chance to have a full meltdown? Like, the safety precautions we have now and whatever else?

There's always a chance, but we're pretty damn good at stopping it. First of all, we have really good containment buildings now. Oh, buildings? Like Diablo Canyon is a very well-contained reactor. What does that mean? It means there's a giant concrete shield so that if anything

goes wrong, they build in the safety like in layers. Okay. So the containment vessel on the outside is the biggest layer. Like a coffin?

Like a big coffin around it? What's kind of funny about the containment vessel is it's actually, its main job is not to protect us from the reactor. It's actually to protect

the reactor from a terrorist attack. That's the main reason they insist on having... So it's like raw shock? Yeah, because they... I'm not in here with you. So after 9-11, they actually started requiring that if you build a new nuclear power plant, it has to withstand an entire Airbus A380 hitting the reactor and not blowing up the reactor. That would be funny. If terrorists

got an Airbus A380 and just smashed it into a reactor. I mean, they might. They got nothing better to do. Biden came out with some shades on doing fucking donuts. Fuck you, terrorists. Fuck you, Taliban. It's just a plane in the... I mean, they gotta prove it, though.

Like, if they're saying that, crash a plane into the fucking reactor to show people. You can't just say. Show how strong it is. This is going to take a fucking A fucking 30 bus, whatever. Do it. Fucking smash it in there and show me, bitch. And they're going to be like, oh, I don't know about that. No, fuck.

That's the problem. That's why everybody's so freaked out. Because you're not doing it. It's not a bad idea for the nuclear proponents. Just, yeah, crash a plane into a thing. Go, see? You can survive that. What are you being a pussy about? Deal with it. This is Samsonite 101. This is

marketing 101. Just fucking show it. Show me how resilient it is. But can't we build it? We can build them, because Diablo Canyon, like, how far is that from, like, a nearest, like, city center or something? Pretty far. It's near San Luis Obis like city center it's pretty far it's in san luis obispo but it's i mean you worry about what the fallout going downwind and i'm not worried

about it poison yeah you don't care i do think uh yeah everything i mean i'm not a science guy i'm trying to i'm talking out my ass at this point are you afraid of nuclear power like everybody do you know people who are afraid of i know people are afraid of nuclear power yeah isn't that wild yeah they want to go to mars and a rocket ship built built by government subsidies from a guy with hair plugs but they're terrified of nuclear power yes elon musk give me a fucking self-driving car built and programmed by an obvious con man i'll pay top dollar for that but a nuclear reactor built by ge that makes light bulbs for fucking 80 years no no that's dangerous i was gonna say uh i actually briefly had a job this was like years ago i think i was like 19 uh working for greenpeace don't think that like i went there like I was a green

I just wanted a job, right? They hate nuclear power. They hate it. I was one of those guys on the street. Is that crazy? Yeah. Yeah, which makes no sense because they're like an environmental organization. It's literally what I was telling you. It's like it's like two puzzle pieces that cannot be fit together on purpose.

I was at the grocery store being like, do you care about the planet? If so, we need to get rid of nuclear power. I was like, Oh God, I'm making $8 an hour. And I know,

and even then I knew that I was just lying to these people. I'm like, we're not helping the earth. This doesn't go to anyone or anything. What was the most rude reaction you got? I don't know, man. People would just be like,

no, I'm not giving any money there. Fuck, fuck everybody. I don't, you know, some so what if some guy comes out of there just pissing uh-oh i'm pissing over here outside it's legal now on me i would be upset the most hilarious part of this chernobyl is a wildlife refuge unparalleled in europe right now oh it is because yeah because three-eyed fish and stuff no none, none of that. No, there's no sick animals. There's no sick animals.

Yeah, I heard it has like overrun. There's just people left, and it's overrun with wolves and bears and things that humans used to just scare the shit out of, and they would just be gone. And now it's their place. And now it's a paradise for animals. They're like, oh, finally, something scared them off. What do you think it is? I don't know.

Just shut up and start peeing in public. We're animals. Have you seen the story of the old guy who just was like, listen i'm like 90 i'm gonna die anyway he just lives in fukushima taking care of all the animals that people left behind all the pets yeah like yo that that must be real fun i wanted to do that taking care of all of the animals dude you're like dr do riddle i'm a dr do riddle and i take care all right i'm canceled uh that's exactly all they got shane gillis by the way i've been talking that I'm a Dr. Do Ritter and I take care of the hammer. Alright, I'm cancelled. That's exactly all they got. Shane Gillis, by the way. Bad impression. Yeah, doing

a racist Asian impression and yanked him off SNL, but I already know I'm never getting that job, so I can do all the racist Asian accents I want. I don't think you can do a racist Asian impression. It kind of is just an Asian. There's a lot of Asians.

One of them sounds like that. A couple of them, they have some trouble with the R's. I mean, I get it. I can't speak Japanese very well. I think they're proud of it. Yeah. You know, they're not like

doing it wrong to them. Dude, accents are funny regardless of where you're at. In Japan, they're making fun of us right now going, could I use my credit card to purchase this gasoline yeah yeah they're having fun with it too you gotta go along with it uh yeah we need nuclear power and uh

working for greenpeace sucked nuclear so bad that you had to get like a certain number of signups in like a week or they for greenpeace yeah for greenpeace or they fire you and i was like i was like that seems random like it's random it's's not like, am I a great salesman? It's like, did I find the one guy stupid enough to sign up for a Greenpeace membership? Nah, they're all stupid. That's what they know. Is that everyone's fucking dumb. And that's like whittling down to just the very aggressive, like, singular salesman.

You have to find someone who can hard sell super hard. I was pretty good. I got a couple signups. Wouldn't it be funny if that just determined your whole life and you didn't know how good you were at the hard sell? No, no. Yes, it does. Greenpeace is sole purpose.

Like we're weeding out the bad workers early on. Just for this. I was terrible. To be fair. Yeah. Oh, shit. Oh, yeah. I suck.

I'm not allowed to say that phrase on this show. You're allowed. You're encouraged to say it. I just have to play that bump every time he does. I suck cocks. Where were we? Nuclear power. Who cares?

I'm a big fan. God damn it. Did you meet any girls at Greenpeace? Yeah. There's like hippie chicks Does everybody think I only date trans girls now? I dated one trans girl She was lovely

I dated another trans girl and she was the worst And she's trying to cancel me on Twitter And that's fine I'd hide you Exes man They self-indictive They still want that dick Got that hole in their soul I'd hide you. Exes, man. Dude. They self-indictive. They still want that dick.

Got that hole in their soul. They can't feel. Warning the trans community that I'm a danger to them. I'm like, no, I'm not. I just like jokes. Are trans girls like regular girls? I mean, cis girls? Snippy bitches?

No, no, no. Where if you say like, whatever you do, don't fuck that guy. He'll treat you like shit. They're all like, where is he'll treat you like shit they're all like it's basically that where is he are they like that yeah that's a huge propagator of social malware right there oh yeah absolutely exes everybody always gets buried by an ex it's so weird what do you mean buried by an ex i mean i know a guy who got canceled because his ex-wife is nuts. You can't let your guard down for even a moment. Yeah. Not today.

We'll bring in women. I might have already brought them in. Women's going to be your biggest problem? We've already made a rule. You can't bring women because it's an automatic win. That's not fair. What do you mean? That's the biggest... Even aliens have women.

If women is a problem, we have to flip a coin to see who gets it because it's going to go to the top of the list forever. Because I know this show's audience, you know,

you can't, if you, if you ever tell me, hardworking Americans, if you ever tell me I'm bringing in women as my problem for the week, I quit the show.

I might have brought it in on the old one, on the old one. 100, yeah. Okay, Dr. Dr. Hickory, Hickory, Hick one? Yeah. Okay. Talk to Dr. Hickory.

Hickory. Hickory Stakes. Do you want to plug anything? Yeah, I don't record anymore, but I used to do a podcast. I'll start it up

again called Surely You're Joking. Please check out old episodes. You brought up the guy canceled from SNL.

One of my co-hosts participated very much in that process. Yeah, he helped cancel that guy. He helped cancel helped cancel that guy, right? He helped cancel him. That's absolutely right. Can you not mention

who that was? Do you say, don't call me Shirley every episode? No, we don't, but people say it to me. It's just like, hey, I got a joke for you to say on stage. Here's a joke. Who's the guy who canceled Shane? My co-host Jimmy O. Yang. Jimmy O. Yang from Silicon Valley. He participated in the canceling? here's a joke you know yeah who's the guy who canceled your joke my co-host jimmy o yang jimmy

o yang from silicon valley oh he participated in the canceling his name's yang yep so he's a he might even know that guy because he's the guy who got his first name in valley i don't watch that shit he does like a racist asian character i mean not racist but no you cannot do a racist asian character there's so many of them. Yeah. There's so many Asians that it's impossible to be racist. Yes, it's possible to do a racist impression. It's impossible. Because another Asian person might not resemble that remark.

They'd be like, that's horrible. How could you say, no, no, but we don't act like that. And then some guy will come up like fucking Mr. Hariga. I can't even do it. Oh my God. Anyway, now we're canceled. Yeah. No, there's an episode of Shirley You're Joking that I was on. I don't remember

if it was good. Was that a good episode? Yeah, I'm going to say yeah. And didn't the great Owen Benjamin used to be on that show? He did. That guy is the king of being canceled. If you're talking about me, he takes that. Is it being canceled or canceling yourself? He cancels himself mid-show,

I think. No, he can'tels himself mid show I think you know but like no he can't he's like a trans trans killer right trans life

when I hang out with Jimmy now he likes to introduce me he goes Kevin used to be friends with Owen Benjamin I'm like I'm still friends with him he's like

yeah are you one of the bears are you the nuclear bear no I'm not into the bear thing actually I didn't I don't like the whole cult personality thing. That's a thing I never got.

If that works for him, all more power to him. I'm talking to a guy who has a show called The Dick Show. I love that. That was my sister's idea. Multiple pictures of him hanging behind himself. What's wrong with my success? I'm sure you're a doctor. You have your fucking diploma hanging at your garage or whatever

you work in for your nuclear physics look i waited in line for a spot in uh castro to pee all right so so so a guy saying i'm gonna create a thing where we we just call ourselves bears does not mean the same thing to me so that always is that what owen benjamin's audience calls himself bears bears yeah and they're like they have like to fucking care bears like i'm military bear they really are like i'm friendship and all that stuff fun theme i guess what does that guy have like a subscriber star how does he make money these days oh yeah he's just people yeah i don't know how much I'm supposed to say. You know he doesn't believe in the moon, right? Yeah, I know. We get into arguments about that.

How? How can you get into an argument with someone who doesn't believe in the moon? How? How? It's like arguing about the fucking Tootsberry. How does that argument go? Well, I don't believe in the moon. Fantastic. Is he one of those guys who thinks it's like a hologram or something no what does he think a hologram even is who knows

a guy called into my show he doesn't believe in the he doesn't believe in the moon and he goes yeah well you know how like moonlight makes uh makes things colder i said what he's going on and on he's like there's this feel the gravity and like moonlight makes things colder and i said whoa whoa whoa whoa moonlight disease like yeah you get a steak throw it outside the moon beams will make it cold that's awesome yeah i'll have to give that a try i love my hot steak outside in the moonlight that's why you can't pee in public because it'll freeze in the moonlight. That's why you can't pee in public. Because it'll freeze in the moonlight. Because all the insane people will take advantage of it and start screaming about

the moon's fake. Is that a bit he's doing that the moon is not real? Owen Benjamin? Is he faking that? You know, a lot of people wonder that. I think Owen wonders that too. I'm not... I've told him about my my my uh even

before the show i told him about my uh my social malware thing and he's actually really on board so i think yeah for the crazy aspects of it yes that's gonna help us yeah and who's doing it lizard people no no it's just like a normal sociological thing you know like one of his things is he got called a flat earther a lot and he's like i'm not a flat earther okay i'm just saying the earth isn't necessarily round oh so you could be like an oval earther like he's like we just don't know the shape is what i'm trying to tell i'm a cube earther you guys what. What do you mean, we? It's a cube. Yeah, we. I love how crazy people will add a we to every statement.

They're like, well, we just think. No, you think that. Oh, scientists love to do that. Yeah. Scientists do that all the time. Well, we just know the moonbeams make things colder. No, we don't. This has been proven. Yeah. The collective will of the people has decided this. Don't you ever

wish that people had never heard of science and you could just do it in a building and no one would ever know yeah kind of that's what i always wish actually one of the things that really bugged me about the pandemic among all of it uh is scientists were actually kind of cool before the pandemic and now everybody hates us. It's like, we endure it. Not everybody. People are fucking worshipping scientists. As long as you get the right opinion. But it backfires.

It's backfiring, right? Yeah. You know, that's what happens when the people are in control and they're running everything. They get their enemy list and, you know. Does anybody ever told you you sound like Tim Heidecker?

No, because I don't even know who that is from Tim and Eric you know Tim and Eric show no what that's weird you sound just like him

like a voice doppelganger don't you think I'd have to listen to him without looking at him I'll listen to it later okay well thank you thank you so much

for coming by Shirley what was it again Shirley you're joking Shirley you're joking yeah okay is there a url for

that uh yeah uh syj.lol syj.lol yeah really yep i didn't know you could get it.lol yeah they're cheaper kevin how do i find you a buck yeah probably you got social media kevin yes follow me on twitter uh and you can friend me on Facebook. I may or may not accept requests. Please follow me on Twitter. Twitter is a nightmare for me. The only reason I haven't deleted my account is because Joe Rogan follows me. So be like Joe Rogan and follow me.

Get us on Joe Rogan. Get Vito on Joe Rogan with the smashing thing. I want to get on Joe Rogan. I know, but get Vito's in the news. He's hot right now. Get him for me. Then you bring him in. You're like the smashing thing. I want to get on Joe Rogan. I know, but get Vito's in the news. He's hot right now. You're the end for me in the one time. Then you bring him in.

You're like the hype man. Yeah, no, Owen's been on Rogan many times and they got into a fight. Yeah, they got into a fight,

I think. What is your Twitter, by the way? The milk? K.P. Hickerson. K.P. Hickerson. Add K.P. Hickerson. Again,

I'm not deleting it as long as Joe Rogan follows me. I hate everything else about Twitter right now. Well, just don't use it like bots trying to tell me all sorts of crap yeah you were fighting bots like oh yeah yeah i've been attacking these bots trying to take down his yep why uh well because i used to post about stuff about bots i would warn people about i would see early behavior and then they'd be like hey attack that guy so you know i actually stuff yeah war never changes in fact actually i collected a lot of evidence and uh i showed it to um owen benjamin no senator harris's um office before

she was vice president really yeah you met her i did not because there was a fire and she didn't show up. Oh, so you brought all the stuff there and then she bounced? No, we met there. What a cop. By the way, okay, I'm going to get sued for saying this. What did you have? One of the most disturbing things that bothered me was her staff did not know what a meme was. Oh, yeah.

And I don't mean in the intellectual bullshit way that I brought it up to them. I didn't know what an internet meme was. I showed them pictures of memes that were being shared on Twitter. And they're like, what is a meme? And these weren't old people. Like these were people. These are like millennials. And I was like, yeah, like we were all just kind of like, how do you not know what this is?

Kevin, I hate to tell you. Fucking retarded. Those were the lizard people. I think it was the lizard people. The lizard people were trying to ghost you a little bit they're like yeah we've never heard of this please be gone sir he's fucking on to us what are our problems for the week dick uh we've got what was yours public urination laws social malware and mine was uh nuclear phobia nuclear phobia right we're pronouncing that right right

nuclear phobia you know how hard it is for me to mispronounce it every time every time i've my whole life i've said it that way it's so hard try it what you've said it nuclear your whole life yeah it's so funny because it pisses people off. The noise, they can't like resist correcting it. It's new and it's clear. It's so hard. All right, everybody. Go to biggestproblem.show

to vote for the problems and patreon.com slash biggest problem to support the show. Beautiful. Thank you very much. Goodbye. I think I played it.

I think I played it. I think I was a big hit that was a good shot we gotta check the chat oh shit yeah alright nah fuck it alright well we'll just alright

I think we got three All right, we'll just... All right. Super Chats. I think we got three. Are we still live? Yeah, we are live. Real quick, Super Chats. We've got John Holman with five Canadian dollars. He says, Vito wants people to pee in public. I do.

I really do. Why would you not want that? Someone's got to piss. Yeah. Someone runs up to you, like, grabbing their tick, like, I got to go. You're going to say, like, no. Go home or find a Starbucks. LHC, the Large Hadron Collider.

I know what that is. It says, what does Dr. Eggerson think about the new Muon G2 results that were recently announced? I don't know what that is. You got some smarty pants on there. Muon. It's a cow particle. No, it's not. It's a cow particle. No, it's not. It's a muon. Yeah, muon.

I'm actually very excited about that result. First of all, I visited that experiment before it was built. What kind of experiment is it? It is an experiment to measure the magnetic moment of a muon, which is a heavy electron. And it is an example of a nuclear precision electroweak experiment. And the reason I particularly like that is because that is exactly the field that I am in.

So I work on similar experiments including the neutron lifetime experiment which also presents an anomaly that means it does not agree with the standard model just like the G-2 experiment does not agree with the standard model. Anytime that happens... Why does it not agree with the standard model? Well, that's2 experiment does not agree with the standard model. Anytime that happens... Why does it not agree

with the standard model? Well, that's why it's exciting. We don't actually know why it doesn't. But it's a sign that there's something wrong with the standard model. So our perfect model of physics

has an error in it. And it's very hard to find these errors. In fact, they built the whole LHC trying to, you know, find the Higgs boson and everything,

smashed... They spent like $10 billion trying to find the Higgs boson and everything smashed. They spent like $10 billion trying to smash stuff together. And it just predicted everything perfectly. It was so annoying. You guys really thought you were going to break science wide open? I was like, nah, you already figured it out. It's fine. Well, every time we've done this before, we'd always find a new particle or something.

They found the Higgs, the one they were looking for, but it was there exactly like they thought and then nothing happened nothing else it was just like ah we're done but we know we're not done because there's these little errors and also we can't explain certain things like uh women dark matter women the moon uh the moon can't explain it can't explain it that's not real that's clearly a hologram so it's exciting yeah because when you find errors it means you gotta question everything right yeah it probably means there is a

a new particle that we haven't discovered probably it's too heavy to find at the large hadron collider and that's why but we can't let me guess you need more money to find it is that where this is going yeah if only it had been 12 billion the best grift on earth you guys should get this i know we dug out 40 miles underground but we really should have went for the full hundred and that proved

that we were right on track and everything was great very good what. What about the cigarette companies? You ever hit them up? It's like everyone hates you guys. What if you dump like 40 million bucks into our hard-on collider? That's a good idea. I'll reform them. Marlboro across the particle accelerator.

Don't you think that would be cool? Yeah, they're going to name all the new elements. Joe Camel, Dash 1. Yeah. Unfiltered Dash 5 Oh my god

If I had a fucking Genie lamp I would Where's that Yeah Fucking Camel cigarettes Lucky Strike

Found a new Found what dark matter is And I have to Name it Lucky Strike-onium Yes Lucky Strike-onium I love it

They should All things should Happen this way All things should be branded yeah all the stadiums and it's perfect they should

it's perfect does it annoy you when they call it did it annoy you when they called it the god particle a little bit because it was like

god because it was from god damn where's the god damn yeah the god damn particle it's like time magazine the god particle

yeah I'm not really a big fan of that um not quite accurate not quite accurate what annoys you most in physics now I'm not really a big fan of that. Not quite accurate. What annoys you most in physics? Now I'm doing my show. What annoys me? Most in physics.

You mean like, oh, well, other physicists mostly. Oh, yeah. No, but I got to work, so. So you got to wash your tongue. They're not as much fun as you. Do you mean which physics problem bothers me? Like what unsolved problem? What trends in physics?

Or the physics problem that annoys you the it's so goddamn expensive also uh physics has uh the same problem that a lot of things do it is influenced by politics and and identity politics wokeism how is that possible it's mad absolutely possible because you still got to get money anytime money is involved how do you pitch like a black physics we're gonna find these protocols you want like a black physicist on your team because then you go well i mean do you want this white guy solving the problem or you want a black guy to do it it's gonna be more impressive the other way right is that what it is well i'm gonna handle this the way a physicist would handle it i'm not able to answer that because of my privilege but i will plug my when my friend's book which is uh a quantum life great book by my friend hakeem lussi who is a

black astrophysicist is it a picture book he's no i'm just asking because i want to know what i'm going to look up and buy no it's a great book he's a great guy he's been on my podcast lots of times that's awesome okay lastly we have uh mike hunt here i get it i get what you're doing the biggest problem the universe is recreation tanks waiting for updates on video games that was one of mine or taking boobs out of movies on streaming services have they been doing that yes yeah oh yeah a movie i remember now so i watched back to the future they crop them they stretch it out so crop out the tits now well and back to the future too was on netflix and i watched it there and you know the the magazine that he hides the sports almanac yes yes is ooh la la magazine they cut it now wow but Netflix is saying

that they were provided like a TV edit of the movie by mistake okay oh I see so I don't know if that's what happened or

well thank god we caught it well yeah cause I was watching it and I'm like what happened to ooh la la ooh la la ooh la la what the fuck is ooh la

it's the best line in the fucking movie ooh la la what is this ooh la la shit yeah that is such a great moment oh duck oh I got ooh la la what is this ooh la la shit that is such a great moment oh duck oh I got ooh la la

oh jeez yeah oh I know what happened they had the blockbuster video copies yeah yeah yeah you know just bottom up

they just messed it up on the most famous trilogy in history yeah but whoops didn't blockbuster do this too weren't they accused of that

they were editing movies. I don't know if Blockbuster did it, but I remember there was a certain... They actually sold a DVD player at one point. It was like a Christian DVD player that would purposefully skip over time codes depending on what movie you were watching. Was Tommy Calico selling that?

What's that guy's name with the Amiibo? Yeah, Tommy Calico. Tommy Calico back on. Bring it back on when I'm here. God, the Amiibo? Yeah, Tommy Tommy. Bring it back on when I'm here. God, the Amiibo, what a disaster. Yeah, these region codes were always a disaster. Like, you put in a video, you buy a video overseas, you put it in, it doesn't work at all. You're like, what are you doing this?

I'm trying to import my Bukkake here and I can't watch it. I have to buy a Japanese PlayStation 2 just to enjoy myself. Matt Barr for $5. It's $5 for hard-on collider dick. Oh, thanks. Jokes are funny. They took the butt out of Splash. You remember that? Yeah, they did. And they extended

her hair. Oh, they gave Daryl Hannah extensions to cover up her butt. Yes. Wow. It's really bad. Yeah, Disney Plus, and they got rid of the Michael Jackson episode of The Simpsons. Oh, man.

Oh, wow. They're getting rid of everything. Great show, guys. Yeah. Thanks for coming by. Thanks for having me. Bye, Dr. Kevin. I love you.

Guys, go to patreon.com slash biggest problem. Do it. See you next week or whenever. Next week, yeah. Goodbye.