The Biggest Problem in the Universe - Episode 18 - Bury My Breasts at Wounded Knee

Episode Date: November 29, 2021

Breast Reduction Surgery, The Myth of the "Noble Savage", Cash Bail, Funko Pops

The cowbell's the best part. Oh yeah. Biggest problem in the universe. Hello, welcome to the biggest problem in the universe. The only show that ranks every problem in the universe. From turkeys going free To wayfair conspiracies Fucked it up I'm your host Dick Masterson

Joining me as always is Speedo G. Swaldy Yeah Dick What's up buddy I'm excited You are? Me too I love

You know what I love the most My favorite part of podcasting Is podcasting over the Thanksgiving break When downloads cut by like 20% Is that a thing? But you can't give 80% Yeah You still have to give 100% Even though no matter what

Downloads will be Chopped off Right at the wiener That's interesting I thought Over Christmas break It seems like Don't downloads go up

Or no? No Wouldn't you think so? I think because people Are out of their routine Yeah They get Things get skipped

Whatever Well it seems like For YouTube views Around Christmas I usually get a big surge I think because people are out of their routine Yeah They get Things get skipped Whatever Well it seems like for YouTube views Around Christmas I usually get a big surge Of people just sitting around Watching stupid YouTube videos All day long Maybe that's what I need

Yeah To do Well maybe podcasting Podcasts are more of a Drive time Commute Yeah Thing

You can't listen to Like my girlfriend tried to get me Into a podcast That she listens to Yeah You can't listen to a podcast are you on crack i'm not she keeps pissing i'm like i hear you soft selling this how did it gets made but there's no way in hell i'm listening to it i like that you like it i'm leaving i have found something you like yeah i appreciate the audience of any podcast but i'm just not doing it no um anyway would you like to hear the political canonizations from last week god damn it you gotta start bringing in some fire here i

look i you know what i was thinking yeah for the website you should like color code whose problem is which oh because i'm still i'm still pretty high up I think I have the top two problems Alright, I'll look into that I think it would be interesting To see how many dick problems And veto problems Yeah Guest problems

Yeah Might be interesting I'll get with the dev boys on that And see what we can do Because I always go and I check I'm like how many do I have in the top ten And I'm like well I'm still doing pretty good All things considered

Yeah, because you remember Yeah Right So you can count what is the score in the top 10 yours I think it's actually five and five right now but go vote up my number 11 and 12 everybody no no but I think it is I think I have number one and number two with uh woke marketing god damn it Chinese apologies are both apologies apologies Damn it Are both hot How about a Chinese apology of not naming the virus the Z virus? Oh no, I saw that I'm so happy we did that That really is just more Yeah

I don't want to hear it I don't want to fucking hear every right wing It's the Z virus It actually is the Z virus Like a strip club fucking announcer Skipped right over it I don't know why we gotta name stuff I mean I guess they're just going through the alphabet

Yeah But they do that with hurricanes They go through the alphabet but it's all women's names Oh is it? Yeah It's not men's names too? Irene Hurricane

Katrina That makes sense Yeah I remember seeing one time Because women will destroy your life Yeah I remember seeing one time Because women will destroy your life Yeah Well I remember one time They were like

This is racist Because why are all the worst hurricanes Like black names And you're like That's not what it is It's just going through There is no Hurricane Anthony I think it was before Irene

There's no Hurricane Destiny Yeah Hurricane Shaquanda is coming through To Takaquanisha Those are coming Hurricane Michelle Yes Obama

Hurricane Karen Will take you out Pedophile P-file conspiracies Symbol conspiracies Came in second Yeah As we were discussing

Before the show That is our first Age-restricted video On YouTube Thanks Whoops Not allowed to talk about it So maybe it is a conspiracy

That's a conspiracy That's a conspiracy right there If you would let us Just talk about it. So maybe it is a conspiracy. That's a conspiracy. That's a conspiracy right there. If you would let us just talk about it, people wouldn't think there was a conspiracy. Yeah. Presidential turkey pardons

and then domain squatters, which I can't, I cannot believe. That's the worst problem. I don't, I think people, I mean, I guess maybe people

are limited how many people are buying domains. Oh yeah. Yeah. But for those of us who have, you know, endeavored in life to make things. Who are like creators all day, every day, trying to give you people a little bit of

joy with something that comes from our heart and soul. Yeah. That's what we run into all the time. Like cakeshitter.com. We run into guys who aren't creative finding ways to exploit us somehow. Yeah. Well, I don't know how to make or create anything, but I know how to make it harder for you to do that. Exactly.

And you can give me money to lower those barriers. Fucking capitalism, man. That's classic capitalism. It's a thing. Classic capitalism, a global, singular governing body that charges an arbitrary fee to large corporations that they assign first access to get these classic capitalism. When am I going to be able to trade my flerk stick? When is that coming? I think you can do it on Mintable.

Can you? Yeah, I think so. Okay. How many did you get? I got three. I would have had four. None of them look like like you though uh one of them kind of does one of them kind of does okay yeah actually it looks way more like frank hassell so i want to get rid of that one because i don't like that guy oh no okay we gotta have him on uh george dufresne says we are the veto files hear us roar

duderini losarito rosarito says haha oof when you tune into the biggest problem and Dick starts making fun of you. Oh man, someone kill me please. Oh, sorry. Good call back to, yeah, I saw that comment. Kerry Grove says, armchair mechanics. Hey Dick, what's up buddy? I'm a week late on this, but fuck armchair mechanics.

I don't know anything about cars. I just found out that if you fill your wiper fluid when it's completely empty, the jug fits it perfectly. How about that? Woman mechanic-ing right there. But people, especially that one rather retuned woman in the group, always tell me about how empowering it would be to change a tire myself. Why?

Isn't it the same feeling to be able to pay someone to do this monkey work for me? We don't say the same thing about cutting our own hair. Yeah. Yeah. Women should be like empowered by cutting their own hair. Yeah. But they're not. It's all about changing a fucking tire.

Right? It's. I mean. It's nice to be able to change a tire. Cooking's empowering too sweetheart. And it's more complicated than changing a tire. Yeah. Changing a tire is actually pretty darn simple. pretty don't get attention from guys though yeah

uh so why just the car thing i accept veto's apology and he's grown on me but i will never be associated with the veto files oh what the that's what i was saying it's a contentious who cares what this chick thinks i don't know man love the show dick it's a blast from the past and it makes me my week. Oh, I thought you said it makes me weak. Weak in the knees. Yeah, that would have been better. For joining the Veto File Army.

Okay, so is it my turn to go first? Yes, Dick, it's your turn as the winner. Here we go. Fuck you. Okay, here's my problem. Here's my first problem. Yeah. Cash bail.

Oh, man, oh, man. Do you know what cash bail is? I do know what. Cash bail. Oh, man. Oh, man. Do you know what cash bail is? I do know what cash bail is. It's a little bit fucked up when you think about it. Yeah. Did you say I tweeted about that earlier this week? No.

What did you? Fill me in on your, fill me in on your tweets. Oh, well, I like it. When I go to my parents for Thanksgiving, we're like, hey, all right, let's fill everybody in on our tweets, everybody. Let's go around the table and give me your hot takes this week Well cause I saw that Waukesha A driver I've been told that's how you pronounce that

They drove into a parade Yeah everyone's like oh well that's why You know you gotta have higher bail For these guys You know and they're letting people pay money to get out of prison I'm like okay The problem is not Like cash bail is still bad.

Right. Like, they just really fucked it up in this situation, and that guy shouldn't have been let out for any reason. Well, kind of. Yeah. Yeah. Go ahead. Okay.

Well, what do you call it? I mean, here in LA, we have that guy who just took over, and he's getting rid of cash bail. Gascon? Yeah. Something like that? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Which makes sense, because why, you know, if you kill somebody, I don't care how much money you have. We have CCTV everywhere. Yeah. Your ass is found. You can't leave. This isn't Red Dead Redemption 2 anymore. You're not going to skip bail.

Which is earlier. You know, like, you don't need to pony up a fucking sawbuck so we can get you to stay. So you can't shoo your horse To ride out of town Right And you change your identity By just like blurting out The first things you see

Oh cactus Pants My name's cactus pants Jake McTafferty Nice to meet you Where is this area We're in called We don't know

If it's Mexico or Arizona Actually So You want to be the sheriff Yeah I'm the law now Yeah This is the year 2021 Where everything sucks So you want to be the sheriff? Yeah. I'm the law now. Yeah.

This is the year 2021 where everything sucks. And everything's tracked everywhere. From space. Right. Your phone is tracked constantly. It's true. We have satellites. If you send a dick pic anywhere on this planet, the CIA will kick in the door or uncover the rock of Patrick Starr's house that you're hiding out in. Yeah.

What were you saying about this case? Well, just the idea that this guy probably shouldn't have been let out for any reason. But yeah, so the people are saying like, well, his bail should have been higher. Well, no, he just should not have had bail. Well, how high should it have been? Infinity? Yeah. Like, what do you mean how high?

What amount of money would you want him back on the street exactly? Enough that he doesn't have. Like, well, that's infinity. That's the point. You asshole. So here's, let me give you a little bit of background for that.

I'm going to read you some stats too. Cause they're a little bit more, you know, a little bit, a little bit more, uh, high, high concept,

high IQ argument than this one fucking guy. So he got that, he got that low bail the first time. Cause they couldn't give him a speedy trial. He went in there and said, Hey, I'd like you guys to try me. I don't really feel like sitting in prison as innocent for like a year. Like you guys have everybody else. So is there anything we can do about that?

And they said, OK, instead of 10 grand, you got to pay 1,000. Done. I'm out. Yeah. Then he comes back again. So the real reason that he's out is because the government can't just try people. How long does it take? Yeah. I mean, honestly, how long?

If you cannot put people on trial for violent crimes, maybe stop prosecuting some of the nonviolent crimes until you get this case logged on. You're making a little too much sense right now. How about no more drugs? No, no, no, no, no. No more fucking domestic whatevers that you got. No more child support shit. How about you just work these violent criminals through the system so they can be in jail

and in jail until they're rehabilitated? Dick, you don't understand. The marijuana he had had a street value of $2 million. This is unbelievable. We need to put all those guys in a line and keep clogging up the courts well well he shouldn't have been able to pay bail no try his ass right because he's guilty send him to fucking jail yeah what are you guys talking about we got to keep him in jail for longer no do the fucking trial you know yeah the reason that he's how long

do you if you need longer than like two weeks to prepare? I don't care what case you have. You're not winning. Especially a lot of these cases where you're right. We have all the information, like all the January 6th, whatever the hell. And the innocent, the QAnon guy. Well, whatever amount of information you want against him is like, well, it's all you have all the videos. You're not getting any bring whatever silver

Bullet yeah and then they just let him Run prison for like a full year before they finally Here's the stats go through and do The thing and these should be these should be A little bit staggering you know I mean I think everyone understands where cash Bail came from 1600s We don't want this guy running away so you can put up

You can pony up yeah it's to keep You in town fucking sterling here. But then as it grew, it turned into... You can't wait to make money. Yeah, exactly. It turned into, well, your buddy can pony up the 100 bucks or whatever. And I said, well, actually, Dog the Bounty Hunter can give us... We're going to make it $10,000.

Dog will pony up the 10 grand. You pay him $1, a thousand and then he'll Come kick your ass If you don't show up So you fixed it So I can afford a thousand So instead of me just giving it to you I'm giving it to dog you've created the

Industry of dog the fucking bounty hunter Thanks a lot government That's uh that's how They get you Three out of every five people in u.s jails today have not been convicted of a crime that's nearly half a million people sitting in jail uh despite despite the fact that they're legally innocent they just can't afford to get out yeah well that's innocent right anybody who's caught on a non-violent crime if it's a drug

crime nobody you should not be in jail at all. There should be no, the worst you should be able to get is a fine. Why do we need to crowd up the prisons with this? It doesn't matter. But any violent crime, judge can say, no bail. Yeah, sure. Like this guy, judge says $5 million bail. I think, why?

Is that like a dare? Yeah. I dare you to raise five million. Oh, shit. He did it. Is that like a dare for Seth Rogen to step in and start fucking shelling out sausage party bucks? He fucking loves criminals, apparently.

You know what? Five million. Yeah. What is, are you, is this like a bit that you're doing? You're saying no bail. Right. I don't understand. I don't understand these sick people.

Yeah, it is like a weird little game. Like, yeah, you can just name any number at that point. You know that guy doesn't have five million. Yeah, yeah, yeah. There's been a 433% increase in the use of pretrial detention between 1970 and 2015. So over the last, what is that, 50 years? 400%. I think crime's gone down a lot since then.

Yeah. But we're keeping people in because they're too poor. Well, so your solution is violent crime, you stay in until you get a trial, which we have to make the trials happen faster. I mean, if there's an attempted murder, like if somebody's on a... Yeah. And it's like... Like a bar fight, you can probably let a guy back on the street yeah with some money that's the thing about the cash bills it's like

you look at it and you're like is this guy really at you know a chance of re-offending or whatever i'd say the guy who hit a bunch of people this car like yeah this guy's a maniac we don't know what he's gonna do so i brought in these two uh studies i don't know if this audience cares for studies but the whole we go back to what is the main point of this, which is to keep people from skipping trial, right? Yeah. And the question is, well, does, like,

does the 10 grand, would it stop you from leaving or not? Are you going to come back for your 10,000? Like, people don't just up and leave areas, you know? It's kind of remarkable when they do.

Yeah. Whether it was a 10,000 or 5 million or whatever so crazy they got like dog the bounty hunter this is his job and his job and doing his job usually involves driving like three miles and asking three or four people where this guy is yeah that's the risk of flight that's involved here and he's the one making like he's the one ponying up 10 times the dough yeah um a february study from the uh university of pennsylvania and george mason found that the elimination of cash bail for dozens of offenses in philadelphia had zero effect on court appearance rates um i got

another one here the use uh no uh another report in 2013, Colorado study that reviewed 2000 cases found no difference in court appearance rates between people who were ordered to pay before their release and people who were instead told to pay only if they failed to show up for court. So that makes sense. It's kind of weird how like stupid and lazier criminals are. Well, I think that's how they became criminals. Yeah, yeah. But it's kind of like,

well, how come more of them don't try to change towns or something? It's like, eh, just don't feel like going through the whole... Because they got a reputation here. Because anytime I've thought about it, I'm like, man, if I was ever on the hook for a murder or something like that, I'm going to try and get on some sort of steamboat, take it across the where the Atlantic Ocean to China.

You never look up to learn how to speak Chinese. Yeah, absolutely. I'll give apologies all day until Master Z lets me come in and be part of the glorious. You're not going to just go to Mexico. There's a list of what do you call it? Countries that don't have extradition, but they're all... Not Thailand anymore.

I think Thailand for a while it was. Oh, yeah. But I don't know if they do it anymore. Yeah. I started looking it up. I'm like, that doesn't look like a terrible place to live.

Maybe it is Thailand. So you would skip if you were wanted for murder? If I was wanted... And you were a murderer, let's say. You actually did it. Or if I knew there was,

for some reason, I'd been framed But the evidence against me Was very good Like Harrison Ford Yeah Yeah Or Stephen Avery

Oh was Stephen Avery The making a murderer guy Yeah Yeah yeah yeah Framed as shit Like a Kyle Rittenhouse Well I guess Rittenhouse Had a good reason

To stay in the country And he was still in jail For like 90 days Yeah Some broke ass kid Yeah How do you not look at that And go like, I mean, okay. What was he going to fucking do?

I didn't realize that. Two million dollars? Just make it infinity. Yeah. What are you doing? You're turning him into a telethon. It makes no sense that I got like the minimum. I do everything off the minimum wage, right?

Like a speeding ticket. See how much of that guy's life that speeding ticket cost compared to like a rich guy. Yeah, that's a good point. It should be based on the minimum wage. Ten grand for a rich... Whatever. Yeah. I'm out of here.

Makes no sense. Some poor guy. Some countries, the value of the fine is determined by your income. So if you get a speeding ticket, they look at your income for the year and times it by whatever multiplier. Let's not do that. Don't put any ideas in. They look at your income from the year in times and buy whatever multiplier.

Let's not do that. Don't put any ideas in. Well, like some billionaire got a speeding ticket and it ended up being some absurd. 90 grand. Yeah, exactly. That's not a good system. Just stop doing the speeding limit.

Well, you're the one arguing against cash bail, which seems to benefit. Eliminate it. Not make it a percentage. Just get rid of it. No more cash. It doesn't matter. Like some rich like

you're not going to be able to find elon musk if he murders grimes and then takes off yeah you know uh someone will recognize him i know when suge knight got arrested he didn't have enough for the bail you're like well that's not fair yeah where's he gonna go yeah everybody knows him um little suge He got put away. Oh, did he? Yeah, I think he got a... I don't know how much he's serving right now. That's too bad. When you beat like one murder charge, you're supposed to stop.

Murdering? Yeah. Why? That would just embolden you. No, it's... I'll just do the murder in the same way. You got all the street cred the first time around. murder in the same way point you got all the street cred the first time around um of the of the 700 of the 740 000 people currently in jails across the country two-thirds have not

been convicted of i already said that one uh in 32 county oh this is in california 6 000 people are jailed longer than a year without you're a year in jail. Yeah. Cause you can't pay the money. This is, this is horrible. That's just, you should go sitting in jail and it's not definitively you're guilty. It's just so sickening to me.

Every month you spend in jail should be like $10,000 towards your bail. Yeah. Your bail is like a hundred thousand. It's all right. 10 months. And then you, I think the judges will figure out a way around that. So does the state keep any bail money at this point?

Or only if you flee? They keep it if you flee. So basically, it's just a loan for everybody. Because it doesn't affect... According to these stats, it doesn't affect one way or the other. Great. What a system. Put them in prison for real.

How about that? Not like half-assed credit card prison. Right? Oh, there's cash bail. Cash bail. It's not cash bail. It's because they didn't try him and convict him of something he did. Yeah.

And put him in jail for years. Yeah. That's the problem. They're saying, you know, cash bail is the reason these guys get out. It's like, no, dude. Like, they just need need to if he's violent And dangerous This guy seems to have

Then it's no bail It's not like the amount of money is not the issue here You dumb fuck It's very bizarre Should have been higher Why? A thousand bucks is hard for some people to come up with It should have been higher No they just should not have let him out probably

But they let him out after they didn't give him a speedy trial Now you kind of have to be like Well you can't keep him there forever Where were you on that one guys? That's on your fault for not trying him You should have been tried of a crime and put in prison for it I think it would be fun to go on the lam I don't think it would be fun

I think it would be fun End up like that Brian Laundrie guy Killing yourself Yeah What a waste dude Yeah That guy wasted such an awesome opportunity To like really test his metal

And wilderness survival Yeah that's true Keep running Leave little clues for dog Right Like point him the wrong way Get like really into you know crypto Yeah

Install like Temple OS And communicate with him I don't think Temple OS Was gonna help him too much But These guys They're just not in the right mindset No you gotta be like

I have a once in a lifetime opportunity You know it's not the best Opportunity But Yeah I could try to be one of those Legendary DB Cooper type guys Who just disappears

And then Forever That's my dream the legacy your legacy is to be your dream is to be a db cooper type yeah like oj he just ran for a little bit whitey bulger who they eventually got sadly was that a guy who was whitey bulger was the guy that departed was based on the boston uh i don't know if it's mob or whatever but he was also working for the f FBI as an informant. Well, that's my problem.

Cash bail. Cash bail. I'm right there. It affects poor people, whatever, but it keeps a lot of people in prison. There's a lot of prison issues. And the kids are causing crime. You know what I'm saying? The dads are locked up.

The kids are out there. And another baby child is born. We still need that replacement dad system we talked about where if your dad gets locked up, the state has to provide you with a temporary dad. Yeah. I think that's only fair. The kid didn't do anything wrong. Yeah, I agree.

Dick, yesterday was Thanksgiving, a time to remember the origins of this great country where we met the Native Americans and shared a meal of turkey, mashed potatoes, and corn, which they called, of course, Mace. I don't know why we all know that, but we do. That's obviously bullshit, right? Bullshit that they called it Mace?

Or now Pilgrims killed an Indian village and let's eat all their shit. That might add like one I think the Native Americans showed them Some of their ways and some of their food That gun point yeah There should be a Grand Theft Auto Like 1492

17 whatever year it is 1600 Roanoke GTA colon Roanoke I always wanted to play that Assassin's Creed Set during the American Revolution Assassin's Creed 3 during the American Revolution. Assassin's Creed 3. Oh, yeah.

You have to do the tea party. Point is, Dick, some people do not enjoy that holiday as much. And they say it reflects the rape and pillage of the indigenous communities, indigenous communities, which they claim were basically utopias. Oh, yeah. In this Native American society, there was no rape there was no murder everyone held hands and danced beneath their sun god and it was a time of plenty and magic well i hate to tell you this but that's a myth something we call the myth of the noble savage and that is my problem here today noble savage Savage. The myth. Oh, the myth of the Noble Savage.

All right. Myth of the Noble Savage. Okay. Now, we've kind of idealized the Native American and other cultures. Yeah. The Mayan tribes, maybe, whatever. Who were the worst? Who were just terrible.

Very, very bad. Very bad. Yeah. I mean, as I was- Rivers of blood torturing children bad As I was going through trying to collect What these cultures have done You're like

I know that Native American I kept thinking of that commercial The Native American's crying because of all the pollution on the highway And I'm like that motherfucker doesn't care He's thinking about what baby he could kill Or murder or whatever else The Mayan priests were like The Nazi doctor experiments, but then they would do it again. Yeah.

It's not like, well, let's just check our work and do it a couple more times. I tried to limit myself to the Native Americans because, again, there's just so much. The Mayans, of course, were cutting off heads, sending them down the temple steps. But just because it is an American holiday, let's look at the Native Americans. Did you know that there is unequivocal evidence that the American Indians practice cannibalism? Sure. There are sites that contain human bones.

As many as 40 sites, those bones show distinctive evidence of having been butchered and cooked. Now, for the longest time people said well you know this was you know just some tribalistic you know witch doctor stuff it's not like they actually ate people well unfortunately they find found preserved pieces of human excrement with human protein inside this preserved excrement which means the native americans i kind of think now they say it i think you know indigenous people day is based it kind of could be if they just embraced it like we were bloodthirsty maniacs

and you guys came and ruined all our fun cool yeah that would be a whole thing uh i mean like halloween times too yeah well you have these people i mean I have a quote here from Kate Kelly, a verified Twitter. She put out this tweet. Rape did not exist among native nations prior to white contact. Oh, I'm sorry. Rape did not exist is what she is claiming. This is a. How is that?

How is that possible? That's not possible at all. As I looked up the the practice of rape. Yeah. Well, look up rapestry. As I looked up the The practice of Rape? Yeah well You gotta look up rapestry? Well it would be just Bride theory

Where if you were like The lowest guy in the tribe And you couldn't attract a woman You would just take one And rape the shit out of her And they go Well that's your wife now I mean you've made it official

Congratulations Yeah rape was kind of like A self limiting crime Before like entitlement Yeah It was like well that's your kid I mean you gotta deal with her now Rape was kind of like a self-limiting crime before entitlement existed. It's like, well, that's your kid. I mean, you got to deal with her now. It's up to you what you want to do.

There's so much. I mean, what is the worst thing, obviously, about American history? Federal Reserve. No, motherfuckers. It's like slavery for everybody. Well, yes. Slavery for black people is bad, but slavery for all races is much worse. Slavery is, they had slaves like crazy.

Not only would they have captives who were taken in warfare who would then become slaves to that tribe. But when we brought black slavery over to America, the Native Americans were like, well, can we get in on this? We're like, well, can we get in on this? The Cherokees had as many as 1,600 slaves, up to 4,000 slaves by the 1860s. So it's not like these peaceful, you know, we love the earth people and, you know, we never did anything wrong. They were slaving it up with the best of them. So really you're saying that Indian Native Americans are basically white people on the inside. They want exactly. White men, white men, excuse me.

All the stuff they accuse us of being warmongers and rapists and slavers. They were doing that too. I'm just saying that's not unique to us. It's everybody wants to do it and will do it given the opportunity. Yeah. I mean, we have, of course, scalping was a very real practice. That's the biggest thing. If you want to get really into it,

I mean, we're talking about what Christopher Columbus did to these guys. What they were doing is almost possibly worse. Yeah, he did it with style, at least. He had that hat, the plush robe, right? That's the problem, because he was a supervillain. Well, I was reading an

article you know the lone ranger with tonto and uh people were mad because tonto's a comanche indian and uh yeah what do you call it johnny depp played him and they're like oh white man you know taking a taking a portrayal of the comanche indian the proud comanche indian you're like uh you know this is a cultural appropriation. You're like, I don't think you guys want the culture that he's appropriating. Do you know about

the Comanche Indians, Dick? No. These were the dominant tribe on the southern Great Plains in the 18th and 19th century known as the Lord of the Plains, known perhaps most notably for their inventive tortures.

Okay. So they were the jigsaw They were the jigsaw of the Native Americans, basically What is this broad, what is this girl's deal? Like what is the, is this what liberals think? Like that they just need to put brown people in a zoo And then they'll be like great And they'll just go back to like farming and shit Like a blue people's

They really think that Don't they They really think That like an agrarian society Is necessarily Peaceful And not Terrifying

All day Every day And at the brisk Of famine and war And rape and death They don't want to realize That like It was way worse

Than what we They really think Like yeah We just you know Everybody was like hippies And sharing You have nine kids And half of them die.

Why do you think that is? And those that don't die either become slaves for a warring tribe or get raped to death or endure Comanche torture. Like there was a day when somebody said, you know what? We should make rape illegal. Yeah. And that was a big problem. Right? You know who might have said that?

Probably a white guy. Probably a white guy. I don't want to. At some at some point a lot of people probably said it sure it would be nice if we got around to making rape illegal but i'm about to get killed i'll say in america at least i assume a white man came up with that law i assume that you know these white men that we hate so much have i mean tried to guide society towards some form of not insane barbarism and war which has existed for since the dawn of time every guy came up to it to some extent yeah he's like well you're not raping me right you're not raping my wife or my kids but then the more that it grew like man my i, man, my jurisdiction is getting a little weak as it grows out. So it's this insane, like, it is more racist to assume that Native Americans are, like, peaceful little, you know, pets.

That you were like, oh, if we just let them alone, they would have just played like puppies in the sun. Like, no, they're human beings like you and I. They have the exact same desires and impulses and emotions like you're trying to other them to say that oh they're they're special they're like little magical woodland creatures no dude the native americans and all these other tribes and blacks and whites and every everything under the sun we're all the same fucked thing. So, uh, it is more racist to assume that, Oh, the tribes,

you know, existed in this, this era of, uh, boundless happiness and peace. How do they explain Africa? They don't. That's the thing.

They just ignored the reality. Left alone. Yeah. Cause there's nothing there. I mean, this article I found about the cannibalism is like, this is going to make a lot of people really unhappy that's like yeah well why though why don't you just accept like obviously in absence of like an organized hierarchy of law and prisons and

whatever as fucked as those might be i hate to say it it's far preferable to like i might just get killed today by some asshole and there's no repercussion whatsoever because we barely have like a decent language to communicate this nonsense. I do want to talk about what the Comanche would do, Dick. They would roast captive American and Mexican soldiers to death over open fires. Some were castrated and scalped while alive. Some were castrated and scalped while alive. The most agonizing Kamaji tortures involve burying captives up to the chin and cutting off their eyelids so their eyes would be seared by the burning sun before they starve to death. I mean, that's so much energy.

Like, if I was tasked with that. It feels better to just put a guy in jail. I feel like that's, yeah. I'm just going to, all right, I'm going to say that I did all that stuff. Dude, don't worry. I'm just going to cut your head off. I'm not doing all that shit. I'm'm gonna go back and tell them I cut off Your eyelids and all that it's too much work

It's like building a model right Like a glue with like a race car model Cutting your eyelids off And he's all screaming and wiggling around I can't even get my dog eye drops Let alone cut off his eyelids Let alone cut off some Guy's eyelids he He's screaming.

I'm like, all right, fuck it. Just get him out of here. They would also stake male captives out spread eagle and naked over a red ant bed. Sometimes after cutting off their private parts, putting them in the man's mouth and sewing his lips together. And Dick, you'll like this. Women were usually in charge of the torture process. I believe that. Yeah.

That's how they came up with all these wonderful, wonderful things. I mean, again, you can, they've gone looking, this idea that there was no war or anything. They've dug up, you know, mass grave sites and there's just arrow wounds and hatchet marks on all the bones. These people for a period of thousands of years were just murdering the shit out of each other. And they just don't like hearing that? Or? Well, they just want to imagine that, no, we lived in this perfect society.

It's always this belief that everything was perfect before your kind came along. It's their own kind of racism In a way It's Christianity that did this Yeah It's It made people think that like The Garden of Eden existed

Before At some point The devil came in And corrupted them With technology Yeah No man It's hard

There has never been a period Of like you You know 100% human bliss and happiness It's cause they don't know How anything happens That's why Like where did this

Where did the water come from That's in your Oh I don't know how anything happens. That's why. Like, where did the water come from? I don't know. It's come out of a magical fucking mountain spring water. Like, no, there's fucking trillions of dollars of infrastructure that it takes to get it there. They just make these. Again, it's in a lot of it is like these romantic or these white scholars and writers and stuff who kind of romanticize the idea of this noble savage. This is an actual term, the myth of the noble savage that, you know, came along because

there were some, I don't know if they were writers or philosophers were like, yeah, you know, a man exists normally in a state of bliss and happiness. And it's only when we, you know, try to add to society and control it. That's where war and all this shit comes from. And you're like, no, war comes from when you want to fuck a chick but the other bigger guy is already fucking her so you build a fucking hatchet and you kill that guy yeah like that's where all that comes from it's not we didn't invent it for funsies because we're white and evil yeah like it's super weird and just they they must know it's wrong, right? Yeah, but it's like, well, I, okay, you have some food there. I have some food there.

I don't really want to go out looking for food tomorrow. So when you sleep, I'm going to kill you. Yeah. Exactly. And then you're, and you know this, and you're like, all right, well, we got to kill this guy. Tell your buddy, hey, this guy's, you stay up. Because when I fall asleep he's gonna kill him oh my gosh it's going there's a very nice berry plant here in the middle of the

the preserve and i want the berries and you want the berries yeah so let's fucking kill each other and then i'm gonna cut your eyes open and you know let the sun rot your head away because it's funny to me on some i can't believe they would say something like that that rape did not exist i tried to find other quotes because i've seen them where they go you know we didn't have war before the white man whatever else it's like yes you did you know you did i mean i guess it's a woman saying it so maybe like did women not know that all men are rapists basically or just you know we've worked very hard that's what's so insulting. That means they don't consider Native American men, men. Right. Right?

Like all their rape fantasies are reserved for white men and Muslims. And they're like, well, Native Americans, they're like a dickless teddy bear. Yeah. They would never rape a single soul. I didn't want to get into the modern stats, but I was looking it up. It's like rape on indigenous land or whatever, you know, the don't get in America.'t get into i'm just saying it's best not to get into fbi if they were a perfect society at one point it clearly has not stayed that way the white man's liquor has done that yeah exactly well that's what they say the white man came along and he poisoned uh you know he gave

us his horrible liquor and blow whoa all right you know what i can't wait i want to be when aliens eventually come to find us oh pray to god they're more advanced than us they're not less advanced you know and they found us by accident then we get to be the noble savages yeah and we can pretend oh my god they're so peaceful

they're so peaceful what's up everybody what happened in 1942 exactly like don't even worry about it that's a nothing at all that's a tv show yeah that's a fun we have lots of stories we like to tell each other yeah and we leave craters around did you hear the one about our enormous penises oh you guys have that thing here where you uh sexualize your noble savages because we know because if you do We're game for that

I'm sure that's what they're coming for They're coming for our big dicks Okay was that your problem? That's my problem Alright here's my problem I need to put a trigger warning Up Cause this is gonna be very traumatic

For people I think You already know what it's going to be. I already know this one's going to win next week. Vito. Vito, Vito, Vito. It should though. This should knock out woke marketing. No, no, no,

no. This is the biggest problem in the universe. I'm putting up, wait, I'm putting up a trigger warning. If you're disturbed by graphic imagery. Right. Graphic sexual imagery. Yeah.

Look away. Only listen. Cover your eyes, even if you're driving. Here is a picture from the internet that I'm showing here. I don't know if I could blow it up. My problem is... Blow it up. That's the problem. My problem is... They I could blow it up This is My problem is Blow it up That's the problem

My problem is You can't They've reverse blown it up Breast Breast reduction Breast reductions Breast reduction Breast reduction surgery

Yeah Look at this BRS Look at this Look at this picture Of this woman on the left Sure she's a little chunky A little chunky

A little chunky Jesus She's got some Her foot Her Her triceps Are a little sloppy She's got a little bit

Of a gooch I mean she's not perfect But oh man She's got some Big ol' How big How big How big are those tits

Do you think It looks bigger than a D Oh much bigger than Maybe F Might be an F Yeah Middle of the alphabet Part of the alphabet

when you start saying it real fast. And she says, I don't know what she's saying in French, but it says, I'm getting a breast reduction surgery. And then on the right, it has the after picture. And she's gone from a glorious Tessa Fowler G-Cup

pinup. She's gone from a pinup that excites both men and women And Does not cause any Sort of back problems What so ever Yeah To a miserable

B B C cup That's a C C cup on the right But it's You talk There's after surgery swelling

Yeah that's true So it's probably gonna deflate To a Ripley B or something I mean we're in a world We're in a world Yeah Where I after surgery swelling. Yeah, that's true. So it's probably going to deflate to a Ripley B. I mean, we're in a world, we're in a world where I'm not, it's illegal for me to kill myself.

I want to kill myself when I see this. A woman and a doctor, a doctor spitting into the mouth of God for what he's, you know how many women there are who look like that? Not enough. Not enough.

There's not enough. It's a small fraction, one out of a million. One out of a million, maybe less, women that look like this spitting into the mouth of God. And the only solution is for me to put a bullet in my fucking head, and that is illegal. Yeah. That part is illegal for me to go to a doctor and get a prescription for one lead pill straight into my fucking temple. Because I'm seeing this this slightly chubby woman with huge tits reducing herself to a mirror to a, to not even a glance, like a ghost in a modern world.

And I can't do that. But this, this barbaric practice. Barbaric. Barbaric practice. Yeah. Of breast slaughtering. You want to talk about noble savages, they would never do something like this.

Was there any record of Comanches cutting tits off? Cutting breasts off? I didn't find any And then posting about it themselves Like they've scalped their own tits Oh! What do you think about that? This is a widespread problem, Dick

Bro I thought this was just gonna be funny Yeah But this problem, honestly It's the worst thing It's the worst thing. It's the worst thing I've ever encountered. It has made me so depressed.

Let me just read some stats for you before I get into my visual presentation. According to someone, 44,000 breast reduction procedures were performed during 2018. So 40, that's the And that's That's the entirety Of Dodger Stadium Yeah Mostly Not on a

Not on a sold out day But mostly Filled With bitches with huge tits Getting them Reduced To nothing Every year

Wow That's a lot every year every in 2018 so i assume every year average age at breast reduction surgery guess what the average age is i'm covering up the answer Huh 18 What? Yeah So you can't That's the average age Yeah So you can't Oh my god average Drink

You can't drink That means younger than 18 Yeah This is This is child abuse This is way Yeah This is way worse

Than any of that Pedophile stuff You were taught Anyone was taught This is way worse Cause this You're fucked forever! Yeah. Not just the one day!

It's like a pedophile having his way with you every single day of your life. How to know if you're, I searched for it. This is the first thing that came up. How to know if your teen is ready for breast reduction. Oh, God. Now, this isn't an anti-trans thing, okay? Sure. Because I don't care what men do with their bodies.

Jump off a cliff, you know, cut your tits off. I don't care. Men. Cut your dick down the middle. Well, no. Well, if you've got two. That's what women. Yeah.

A woman is doing that with her penis. Okay. I have a right to say what women do with their bodies. Right. Including cutting off their penises and their... But when they... It's not transphobic. That's what I with their bodies. Right. Including cutting off their penises and their... But when they... It's not transphobic. That's what I want to stress.

Right. This applies to all women. Yeah, women only. For many women, macromastia or overly large breasts... Overly. Overly. Is more than just an aesthetic issue.

It's also a health concern. They throw this. Is your teen ready for aesthetic issue. It's also a health concern. They throw this. Is your teen ready for a breast? Well. It's a health concern. There's back issues, Dick. Let me solve your back issues. Here it is.

Look at this. Watch. They're not going to do that. This is all you have to do. See? See what I'm doing? See what I'm doing? Pantomiming.

I'm lifting. Pumping iron. I'm doing just lat. A lat pulldown? Yeah. Or some I don't got time for that Just chop them off

Just chop them off Dick save everybody the time Large breasts can cause discomfort And pain in the shoulders There you go And back You don't want neck pain Yeah you don't want

I've never met a woman with no tits Who has neck pain My goodness I wonder if there's a guy out there who like Would request Can you believe that abortion clinics get firebombed When this is happening Yeah

People are misdirecting their anger you think I'm just asking the question Can you believe that Can I believe it What were you going to say I'm wondering whether I can believe it or not I was gonna say are there any

guys who are you know ever excited that their lady gets a breast reduction like well finally something manageable they should be in very selfish oh my goodness procedure it

seems like look at this yeah look what I'm looking at look at this chick over here Hot as hell Right? She looks good Looks good Well you're bisexual

Oh okay You don't understand This is for the This is for the fellas That other chick was hotter The one you were talking about Her taint or whatever the fuck I was talking about a taint

Who's No Her pelvis area Pelvis area The first girl you were showing Got the breast enhancement I thought she looked better than this girl. Hold on, hold on, hold on.

My mouse is shut down. Oh my God. Look at the size of those cans. Yeah. Now watch. She's showing off her tits, having a good time, bouncing them around,

getting tons of attention. Yeah. Look at the, this is the way, look at her, the smile on her face. It's like this is What she was born to do Desperado Oh And then

Cut to Post reduction Is that really the same girl? Wow Yeah Look at that Woman shows The sun says

Woman shows amazing results Of breast reduction surgery Leaving her two stone She cut off two stones of tits And says she How many pounds What is that like five pounds no i think it's like 10 is it yeah stone is a lot maybe 12 uh look at this who is this

yeah i don't even know why i'm looking at this video well i could understand what am i yeah what am i doing i got i could be looking at bitcoin i was gonna say maybe if it was like an athlete or somebody you know someone who has a reason to not want a huge chest yeah but uh other than that yeah why would you why would you take away such a things it's like you ever heard of a guy all of her other flaws are suddenly so visible yeah before you had something else to look at it's like i went to a doctor and I said doc I'm getting I'm so funny Yeah People will not stop Paying attention to me

Saying hey tell us a joke Funny man When are you gonna do Another road rage Yeah Where can I What's your Where's your

Patrionic go And I said Remove my sense of humor Take some of that away I wanna be less funny Take it all of it away I mean just I was gonna say

No guy ever gets Like a penis reduction I mean I guess some No guy ever gets like a penis reduction I mean I guess some do if it's like massive If they do They're not getting a full Page in the sun saying How amazing and empowering You see what I mean?

Like they're not getting Yeah it shouldn't be celebrated the same They're not getting a collection of small titty broads And angry incels Is this a real celebration though? Sexual preverts? Or is this like a

like a nudge and a wink like ah isn't that great for her? Woman shows amazing results of breasts. Like this is it's like how come there's no

guy going like guy shows amazing results of smoking cigarettes every day and being rad. Like what's up kids? How do you like that? That's what they're

showing here. Yeah. And her smile is dead. The previous smile was full of life. Life-affirming love of Christ in her tits, and now she's totally dead. Oh, no. What do you

think about that? Well, now maybe it's easier for her to drive a car without those big things in front of the wheel still got her brains on that's true she's still gonna crash anybody uh what's that gonna say here no breast reduction huh yeah i'm surprised at how calm it is i'm surprised how young they would get it it's horrifying what time when when does it does What time When does A woman's Breast stop growing They never stop growing Right

Well I'm surprised Well I'm surprised They get it so young Cause I thought Your breasts kinda Continue to Yeah they still keep going So why are they

Getting them in this early Yeah Like just let it Yeah in your Like your 30s Yeah Do it Do it when some

When a man who loves you Is able to talk Some sense into you And not this Fucking Global Pedophile organization Right

That's trying to chop Your tits off That God gave you For some strange reason So I asked people To send me Their examples Of breast reduction surgery

There's too many Examples here Now it gets worse And I got You know Every time I ask for examples i get like 20 guys of showing me how funny they are yeah which which also makes me want to kill myself but again illegal right for me to do that i can't i can't have a head reduction surgery

right but they can have a right yeah sure, it's the same thing. I wish my head could be smaller, but I don't get that. Like, yeah, I wish my neck could be smaller. Yeah. Right? I'll just keep going until it's small enough. I think you got a fine neck. Thank you.

So somebody told me to search for breast reduction surgery on TikTok because that's where kids are. Yeah, that's true. Why can't you watch it Is there something Uncomfortable about this Look at this I don't know how old This broad is

Yeah I mean I assume She's uh 18 Cause that's the average age Let me turn down the Oh my god And look at the comments

Okay Pre post She went from a 38 DDD Pretty good She's I mean she's A little She went from a 38 DDD Pretty good She's I mean she's A little

She's got a little She obviously doesn't work out Let me just say Let me put it delicately Cause none of them work out You think that would be What they need? You think that would change

I Carry around 200 to 220 pounds On me And I'm not fucking complaining About my sore neck And back and shoulders every day I guarantee my arms are heavier than their tits And you don't hear me complaining about my enormous arms

That I have to lug around Right? Yeah Look at this 38DDD Oh shit shit shit it's too loud Let me crank that down a little bit Sorry everybody

38 TDD Obviously 18 Oh mama Oh mama No No My god they get the lines on it Oh sweet mama

No Oh god Oh Oh Oh, sweet mama. No! Oh, God. Oh! I'm emotional. Vito, she's wearing a crucifix. She did it for Jesus. She's wearing a fucking crucifix. She sacrificed those beautiful 38 triple Ds.

Am I making 32K? Look at this. Look at this, broad. Also, look at the size of her. She's a tiny lady. No. Oh, look at this Look at this broad Also, look at the size of her She's a tiny lady No, look at this I would need three arms to give her a hug She looks like five foot something though

Yeah, way too big All I'm saying is there's a better way And there's a There's a concerted effort From plastic surgeons Yeah To put,, remember in the 80s, they were pushing boob enlargements dangerously and cosmetic surgery aggressively. Yeah. Now they're pitching this aggressively.

They never want you to be satisfied. They want you to be disgusted with your body no matter where it goes. Yeah. And they're targeting these poor. They're targeting these. Somebody needs to make, like like a preserve for these girls these 18 year old girls with huge yeah to keep them safe like a nature provider who might tell them to change their bodies in a way that it's displeasing to men yeah we cut off the cut off the internet yeah not the tits the internet

cut off the internet yeah the tits yeah cut off. Cut off the internet, not the tits. Yeah. Cut off content. Look at this. Watch. Don't, please call the suicide hotline if you're having any kind of thoughts watching this video. Rapping. Oh, no! And she did her makeup to try to sell it.

She did her makeup poorly. Like, it's all smudged and it doesn't match The rest of her fucking skin Because she's a child Dick Masterson A beauty Beauty show Pageant Yes because

It's the best And easiest way To make women feel bad You should have a Dick show beauty pageant Get like 10 girls And judge I think

I feel like you would be An excellent judge of women Yeah thank you I feel that would be A good show I've been telling him that for years oh look at this look at this one no god oh no oh god does this make you feel in the same way that it makes me feel i wish i was dead i just i mean i feel like you

know there's so many other women out there who aren't making this if it was a trend a true trend i could be it's a hashtag it is a hashtag that one broad had eight million there are and all the comments are like young i think most young girls hear loud from the media you know your breasts need to be larger what are you doing yeah i feel like we've done a good job as men of getting that message out there now some of these crazier broads are slipping through our fingers, but we've been fucking around. Yeah, you think?

Yeah, we've been fucking around. We've been fucking around talking about the wrong stuff. And now girls are thinking like, oh, maybe I should get my tits chopped off. You're right, because the cartoons, they don't have big titties anymore. And we're taking big titties

out of the video games. And now women are thinking big titties are not the, you know, what God intended, what God wanted. Even if he didn't give it to you he gave you the ability to achieve it and yeah obtain it it's the biggest problem in the universe so why would you shrink it yeah okay titty erasure in general no breast reduction i might bring that one in go ahead i might i could talk about it all day they are trying to normalize the small titty and i don't know who's pushing this Well, I might bring that one in. Go ahead. I might. I could talk about it all day. They are trying to normalize the small titty,

and I don't know who's pushing this. America. The doctors. The surgeons. I don't know. You're talking about, like, Japanese games coming over, and they don't have huge tits. Or just, like, Mortal Kombat.

They made all the characters, you know, I don't know how to see their tits. Like, dude, it's Mortal Kombat. Come on Mortal Kombat come on you just have like skimpy outfits and yeah you can fucking cut a guy's dick off in the fucking game but I can't see a big tit what are you stopping do you think

do you have such disdain for your audience do you think that men are guilty about indulging in games that are overtly sexual? Because you might be right. That is sad. It's a really weird situation where I want to talk to that Ethan Van Shiver guy. You said he's been on your show?

Yeah. Just like comic books. I'm like, I remember comic books used to be like, yeah, man. Oh, man, this is hot. Fucking that rogue chick from the X-Men. I'd fuck the shit out of her or whatever. Because you understood that, like, young men were reading these things. Yeah.

You're like, well, I'm making it. It looks better. Yeah. Like, they don't make them too big. No, but, like, they make them like, oh, cool. There was some, like, you know, I remember there's some comic book covers. You're like, oh, my God, can't let mom see that one. Yeah, right.

Yay. And now it's like they don't, it's like the comics aren't even made for the audience i'm like who are these like saving universe yeah exactly there's no big titties i'm like okay well if i'm like a 14 year old kid at a newsstand i'm just gonna buy some manga yeah manga's out selling comics like crazy because you get big old titties and everybody's fighting And it's cool You know Superman's not kissing his boyfriend Which is fucking I mean I'm all Sure it's the future

I get it but like Yeah but like don't you think it's weird That it's the writers Like Or like the Artists like It looks like him It is really weird

Don't you think that's a little bit weird It's really weird It's like alright Superman's got a boyfriend huh Oh the boyfriend looks exactly like the The artist I don't like Now I feel like I'm in some guy's looks exactly like the artist i don't like now i feel like i'm in some guy's like weird gay fanfic i don't like that but again i think about being like a 15 year old kid at the barnes and noble and i'm like well i can either get like one of

these crazy japanese comics where everybody's fucking the shit out of each other yeah or i can get superman kissing his boyfriend i like it seems like there's a clear audience for those. I don't know, man. I don't know. All I'm saying is we need to stop women from having control over their bodies. We need to stop letting the media make small breasts normal.

Yeah, and you can't advertise for this shit. No way. If I can't advertise for cigarettes and stuff, no fucking way. It's damaging their bodies. Well, they can't advertise for cigarettes and stuff no fucking way damaging their bodies well They can't fuck they can't smoke yeah these fucking girls cannot smoke a cigarette or have a couple shots With a nice guy to bar wants to get him wasted but they can Do permanent disfiguring and it is fucking disfiguringuring There's a lot of disfigurement these days

Yeah okay A lot of trouble What's your problem? Dick you know what I hate? What? A lot of things A lot of things One thing I hate

High on my list Are Funko fucking pops Oh yeah I hate it I finally gotta talk about this My problem is Funko pops Dick we're past the point of no return with these fucking things. We don't need them.

They're not cool. They're not interesting. Anyone who owns one is stupid. Yeah. And they're fucking everywhere. The other day I was out. I was out and about in my neighborhood. There was a cool little late night craft fair,

street fair, people selling T-shirts and pins and stuff that they made. Okay. One guy's booth was Just pop figurines It's like Just like ones he brought from his House because that's just

Fucking everywhere everywhere I go are these Stupid little soulless plastic Nightmares Reductionist like It feels like a joke Cop culture it really does it does it's like what could you reduce it down to just like the colors of mickey mouse and just sell that like it's taking something stripping any yeah personality from it yeah exactly here's a hunk

of plastic that you know is labeled mickey mouse We did this so that we could make more of them for you. So it's easier for us to change. Exactly. They look exactly the same. They all have like the same pose, basically. They're just like kind of standing there. Maybe like one of them will fold his arms or something stupid. And they're just staring into your soul.

And you're like, who wants this? Who says, I want to take my favorite tv show or uh you know a cartoon character and just have like a really shitty ugly version of it that stares at me with a blank expression all day long for infinity yeah uh but would you want one of you i have one of me what somebody sent me one as a joke did they make it yeah you can make your own funko pop well that's not like through the company but joke Did they make it? Yeah You can make your own Funko Pop? Well, not like through the company Oh, they made it like a homemade one

Yeah Because they're aware that I hate these things And they thought it would be funny to send me one of myself That is funny And it is funny And that was a good joke But if I got offered one Like, hey, you're like a big time guy

Do you want a Funko Pop? I hope I could put a line in the sand and say no Why? If I created like a popular comic series or something like that I'd say no no people like it though yeah but why do they like it here's why they like it they like it because uh they're dumb and they're they're stupid and this is the first time look I have like stupid little toys and stuff Around my house like little figures or whatever But I have ones where like A guy who probably was like

Kind of interested in the show Like had to sat down and make like a thing That kind of looked like the show And had like some personality and knew it would appeal to him He didn't just go to like Adobe Illustrator and his stock Fucking template and go Alright this guy wears A red shirt and oh it's Adobe illustrator and his stock fucking template and go, all right,

this one guy wears a red shirt and Oh, it's Freddie Mercury. So I'll give him a little mustache. Okay. There's Freddie Mercury, the fucking Funko pop. Yeah. Talking about my $6 million man,

that $20 million man one or what? That has like actual work put into it. Yeah. Somebody drew a mullet down the back. Yeah. They nailed it. I just, I don't know who's who has these things or why

or what purpose they serve they're just such like action figures I think yeah well some action figures you have what collectibles are you into I have like some like random like anime statue type shit that I've won the big boobs one yeah with like huge boobs no one's jerking off to a Funko Pop Let's put it that way

It's a challenge Yeah if you're looking for Are we at a November yet? Oh not yet We got a couple days We could blow it all over For all these people Like shit on modern art

You know Of like being soulless And whatever else Well that's what the Funko Pop is It's reductive bullshit It's Andy Warhol's like Well you can just take a Campbell's soup can and sell it to morons. So, yeah, I guess you could do that. You could just take a thing and like it kind of looks like Michael Jordan.

And you put the word Michael Jordan Funko Pop. Of course, they have a Michael Jordan Funko Pop. Are you fucking kidding me? That's the other thing is they don't just make one Michael Jordan Funko Pop. They make like a thousand. There's like 20 Michael Jordan Funko Pops. Yeah. You know The Office, the show The Office?

Of course you do. They have Funko Pops for literally every single costume the characters ever wore in any sketch. Like remember when Dwight comes to face off the dummy? I didn't watch that show. Okay. Well, they'll just have like one episode. Because I'm a better person than the people who did well i'm trying to make that shows do you watch only mad men yeah okay don draper funko pop actually i'm not sure i i assume if there's not there's

probably a custom one let me see i bet there is a mad man fucking uh funko pop don draper let's take a look oh my god there Is hold on but let's see are there more Than one it's the entire Mad Men yeah Funko they'll have like Don Draper and Then they'll have like Don Draper in Hawaiian you know shirt or whatever or Don Draper they got a lot of fatigues Sterling Peggy Olsen god I really hate

Funko pops and I can and I can't explain why. Well, here's why. Let's say you're a fan of something, right? Okay. I guess you want to demonstrate to people around you that you're a fan of a thing. I've committed at least $12 to being a fan of a thing. That's your identity is that you watched a television show, and the best way you can think to represent that Is not to go well this episode

Why don't you have a discussion about the episodes Or you know maybe No I want to put trash on my shelf So that somebody Comes over You could find if you really Like Mad Men which is fine you could find Some paraphernalia associated with the show

Why don't you get like a poster Or something something with like a poster or something Something with like a little bit of class Instead of I found this bargain basement plastic bullshit In a fucking thrift store Probably on clearance for $5.99 a piece And I lined them up on a wall

To stare at me soullessly every day For the rest of my life So I could bring people in Like a fucking monster Come look at my What's yours look like um i think that i i think that i don't want that uh interaction with people you don't want to talk about things you enjoy yeah be forced i'm not like because i i think i think the reason I have such contempt for this and things

like it is because I think that putting that desire to have a connection with people on display. On the faces of media that we have. Period. Yeah. On anything. Because you can have a piece of artwork or whatever. Putting it out there

so neatly, I think it evokes a feeling of contempt for me which is not a good thing i'm saying but that's why i uh despise funko pops yeah so much because it makes it so easy for those people to connect and i'm probably also jealous that they can connect so easily over this goddamn thing that costs 5.95 well that's the other thing are you buying a funko pop for yourself like do you take it off the shelf? Oh, look, it looks like every other one. No, it really is just like a way to say, yes, I've watched that television show.

Because there's nothing to admire or like anything intricate or artistic about it. You didn't even build it like Legos. You could have just wrote Mad Men on a piece of paper and stapled it to your wall. And it would have the exact same Well, not the exact same I think that would throw people off They go, what is that about? And you go, oh, I like Mad Men. It's a conversation starter

Mad Men, there you go But it's so empty and there's nothing there to admire or enjoy I really don't think anybody I've never met anybody who was like a Funko Pop who goes, look at how cool this one is. How old are Funko Pop people? Because I used to be an action figure collector. I had

posters in my 20s. The ones I meet seem to be like 30s. 20s and 30s, pretty much. I give you 20s. It's 12 bucks. That's the other thing is they're baby's first collectible. It's like rather than... And hopefully last. And hopefully last. I give you 20s. Mid-20s. It's 12 bucks. Well, that's the other thing is they're baby's first collectible. It's like rather than.

And hopefully last. And hopefully last. I don't know. I do. As a guy. Last. Look, all right. I'm a graphic designer.

That's always my excuse for surrounding myself with colorful bullshit is I'm like, it informs my work to be able to look at something and be like, oh, okay. You know, that kind of has a style and a color or whatever else. So your collectibles are better than Funko Pops. My collectibles, I think all of my collectibles are better than Funko Pops My collectibles I think All of my collectibles have thought put into them I don't just buy garbage You have to think of which outfit you want your office gym to wear

You just show up And you have $100 And you can leave the store with a thousand of these things Because they're always in these There was a shop in my I bet girls like them though Girls are stupid You buy one for your girlfriend No for you and then a girl sees it a shop in my... I bet girls like them, though. Yeah, because girls are stupid. Yeah, so you

buy one for your girlfriend. No, for you and then a girl sees it and she's like, oh, I noticed you have a Don Draper madman. Why? If any relationship has ever been formed on Funko Pops, my God, there probably is just like people out there. What is better than that?

Like, give me a basis of a relationship that's better than some fucking mass-produced pop culture plastic piece of shit. I don't know, man. Is there a Patrick Bateman Funko? Um, that's a great question. Let's see. Funko Pop. What do they not have? No, because they

got somebody in R&D like me right now just Googling shit all day. Funko Pop movies. Yeah, look, see they have multiple ones. You can get them with the axe or with the bloody axe. Oh, Oh dude these are cool I like No it's not cool What are you talking about Yeah it's cool

You can have two little guys You only get to pick two I'll have a little Patrick Bateman And Don Draper Boom done How would you even know That it's Patrick Bateman They all look the fucking same

Well yeah but Somebody's gonna know That it's a Funko Pop And then they're gonna ask Like I've noticed That you have a Funko Pop Can you tell me a little more about it If I ripped the head off that and he didn't have the axe and the raincoat You would have no fucking idea who it's supposed to be

It's not a good expression I'll give you that It doesn't it's just It's nothing that's not a thing Are you just jealous that you're Collecting Like nerd culture is being sold effectively? I am annoyed that the average consumer has

decided that craftsmanship and artistic expression I just bought those, have you seen those fancy Final Fantasy 7 action figures they make? No. Oops. Let's see. Look up Play fancy Final Fantasy VII action figures they make? No. Oops.

Let's see. Look up Play Arts Final Fantasy. Play Arts Final Fantasy. Okay. You bought one of these? Yeah, click on the... I'm not buying one of... Go to the Square Enix store. ...small tits on this one.

No, no, no. Go to the Square Enix store. Is this one the first one? No, go to the... This one? Yeah. Okay. They'll have all of them, I think.

These... It's Sora. Well, they got Cloud and everybody. Where's Cloud? He's going to be on that page. They got Aerith. Yeah, you can look at Aerith. Look, there's Cloud

with the fucking motorcycle. Okay. So here I can recognize... So this is good. This is acceptable for you? Yes. Okay. Do you think this costs $400 for them to make? Or do you think that's the one with the motorcycle?

You don't have to get the motorcycle No, but look at the fucking You can actually tell who it is It looks like it came straight out of the fucking game It's the same as just writing a label on it And putting it up there This is cool, this is something you could take down And actually look at and admire the craftsmanship

And the detail Yeah sure You can actually admire that it kind of looks like a thing Look I'm not saying it's for everybody It's still an injection molded piece of shit Actually I think the Funko Pops are better Cause you have to look at it for a little bit To figure out what it is

Yes that's the point of them Oh a Funko Pop Uh who could that be Uh and it's like A 3DI poster Ah it's It's Rick and Morty Isn't it This is

I actually If you actually It's Kevin from the office With his chili If you actually care About a franchise Like that you think It's so much

Of a part of your life That it belongs in your home Is that Are you limited though To twelve dollars To represent that Going oh my god Mad Men influenced my life

And it's such an important thing But I can't spend more than Twelve bucks On a thing to put here No Yeah that's why I have Liquor out To show that

If you really care about A franchise Okay And it really has impacted Your life Or had some sort of Influence on your work As these things have

Yeah I'm very happy to have it. What? I'm a fucking gravity. My work, I'm saying. My work. Mad Men has really affected, influenced my work. Mad Men has influenced my work.

Final Fantasy has influenced my work. And I, it is a, yes, it is okay for media to have played a role in your life that is meaningful. But if you represent your connection to that media through the cheapest, most ugly thing you can find, what does that say about your connection to that media? I just think you're hating on manufactured bullshit that it's ultimately meaningless.

It's like a guy who's really into baseball shitting on football. It's like, well, no, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no. This is about Not settling for Well again why don't we just fine I'm gonna sell Mad Men I'm gonna sell Pokemon And I'm just gonna write Pikachu on a piece of paper I'm gonna sell it for five dollars

It's cheaper than a Funko Pop And then you got a Pikachu Why oh do I have to make it look like Do I gotta color it yellow so it resembles Pikachu I don't know I just don't think you can find a buyer For five bucks for your stupid Pikachu thing Well for you How is this different than NFTs like stone tosses NFTs I was gonna say NFTs are uh NFTs are a value they're uh they're completely different you want to sell yours

hey man those flirts are going to the moon I think so too I'm giving some away you yeah yeah patreon.com slash the dick show. I know, I've just, I got too drunk and I bought too many. I gotta get to Frank Castle and buy this one off me. Point is, regardless of your connection to any piece of media,

it's stupid to represent it through the cheapest, most ugly thing you can find. Okay. These are, I'm sad that people have been forced to, oh, was there a huge tip in viewers as we talked about this?

That's probably a goof. That looks like a goof, yeah's like second veto starts i want a funko pop of what i didn't know there was don draper ones and patrick bateman oh my god if you buy a funko pop we're not allowed to be friends anymore i just think it would be cool how is it cool the don draper one is just a guy in a suit it doesn't even look like don draper that's why it's cool this is bullshit what does he have maybe he does he's not getting a cigarette so that way you know it's

Don Draper oh he's got a whiskey glass too look at that that's cool he could have a little hat I guess Don Draper That's the thing You have to keep them in the box

You can't even take them out of the box Because then nobody knows Who the fuck they are I'll take them out of the box Yeah and then you'll put it on a shelf And I'll go I have no idea what the fuck this is Look they showed the back

And can't sit in Yeah So in case of your purchase decision I was like Well let me take a look at the back Oh yeah okay Alright Let me get Don Draper's tiny plastic butt That's looking good

I don't know man It's just I don't know I can't accept these things And the idea that people pay Absorbent amounts of money for them That's not exorbitant Yours is exorbitant 400 bucks for that cloud thing That thing had like they put like a

Lot of shit in that box on what you get a Bunch of accessories it's made of like Premium materials a lot of time goes into Actually fucking sculpting the thing made Out of cocaine this thing look they Probably made they probably prototype This thing in less than a day they go we Got to make Don Draper just pull one of

Our guys off the shelf. Move the tie a little bit. Put a glass in his hand. All right, there you did it. Now let's print a million of these. It looks pretty cool. It looks like shit. You talked me into liking them.

Funko Pops are shit. All right. Is that the show for today? What are our problems? Myth of the Noble Savage. Myth of the Noble Savage myth of the noble savage Funko Pops cash bail and breast

reduction surgery go to biggest problem dot show to vote on them right now I'm gonna put that up in like five minutes go to biggest patreon.com slash biggest problem to support the show and listen to bonus episodes thank you all let's do voicemails now.

I know we've got that out of our system. Hey, Dick. Hey, Vito. Hi. I'm calling because while initially thinking Dick's problem of finger pain was the dumbest shit I had ever heard, problem of finger pain was the dumbest shit i'd ever heard i recently sprained my index finger at work on my predominant hand fuck you and now for some reason both of my hands ache all the time i'm sorry what hand predominant predominant hand yeah dominant hand predominant hand? Predominant hand Wait what does predominant mean?

Not that And it's the worst shit in human history So for the love of god If you haven't suffered from finger pain It is actually the biggest problem In the universe And go vote it up Thank you

I guess predominant is a metaphor yeah my predominant hand like the hand to rule all of their hands yeah the ring okay I uh what do you call it I sliced my finger the other day with scissors and yeah does that finger pain yeah finger pain I think I would have been mad if I sliced any part of my body

with the scissors finger pains worse it I think I would have been mad if I sliced any part of my body with the scissors. Fingerpain's worse. It's annoying. I would rather slice all up and down my arm than my fingers. I picked up my laptop wrong like three months ago and was supporting too much of the way with my pinky. Now my pinky's shot. My pinky's shot. Forever. Hasn't been the same.

Yeah. It's never going to bounce back. I can't even jerk off with it right. Sucks. Okay. Hey, fellas. Hi. I don't know why I intro'd it like that.

All the talk about, you know, the fucking secret pedophile codes and shit reminded me. You should look up the music video for Oh Yeah by Yellow. That's the song from Ferris Bueller that plays when he's looking at his dad's car. Oh, yeah. Like the fucking sexy like oh yeah do me a favor and watch that music video

just try to tell me that that's not proof of a global pedophile conspiracy I don't think that's the music no we're not going to do that now but the guy who played the principal ended up being a Part of the conspiracy

That's C it doesn't mean anything Wait a minute guys there is a global Pedophile conspiracy It's just not secret stupid codes that they Are printing It's not expressed in triangle spirals Yeah I had somebody arguing I should have brought in those comments on the video is

somebody was like oh so you know you didn't hear that like you know the guy in charge of disney did this this or this and i'm like so in addition to that at some point during the making of the movie atlantis he went and he said can you put a little triangle spiral so all my pedophile friends like what no that no that i got their back like I'm not saying that these guys don't exist I just don't think they're sneaking little messages into your cartoon well it's like okay so you're really into marijuana

it was illegal right so you sneak a secret message into other marijuana guys like you know Cheech and Chong up in smoke what they secretly snuck in all these pro marijuana messages in like I just think if there's a code system it's gonna be a lot What? Where they secretly snuck in all these pro-marijuana messages in? I just think if there's a code system, it's going to be a lot more complex than put a spiral on his shirt so everybody knows to touch kids.

Just like encrypted emails. Hey, what's up, Betafile? Okay, one more and then we'll do super chats. Hey, the biggest problem in the universe is timeline clutter. It's like on Twitter or Instagram. Like if you're on Instagram, it's the reels. And if you're on Twitter, it's like oh, so-and-so you follow like this or it's the promoted tweets or anything.

It's like it just clutters your feed. Like I want to follow these people, have them in my feed. I don't want anything else in my feed at all. And that's why Twitter and Instagram timeline clutter Is the biggest problem in the universe Get off your phone Touch grass

Man that uh Facebook added those like little Short videos and I found myself Watching them for like 20 minutes and I went Oh god this fucking works Huh like that TikTok shit Cause you're like oh that's interesting And then you eventually realize you're like oh my fucking simian brain is just

taking over watching stupid yeah meaningless tripe yeah over and over okay do you want to read these can you read from that far away yeah all right let's see we have uh shen shen 256B was with a woman who had the triple D. Later in life, she got that bariatric surgery. Barbaric surgery. Bariatric. Barbaric. Barbaric surgery. What's bariatric surgery?

Like a stomach thing, I think. Oh, yeah, you're right. To get C-cups, barbaric surgery. She showed and told me that her right nipple lost all feeling afterwards. She regretted it. These doctors should be noble, savage, noble, savage, American. Thank you for Shin Chan with the $20 donation.

They should be in jail. I can't go down the street and just start cutting people's tits off. So why can a doctor do it? Well, I mean, I'm not allowed to go down the street and cut people's appendixes out Technically If it was blowing up

In them And you had to get it out I think you'd You think you'd get away with it They would let you get away with it You'd say like I knew the appendix was rupturing I had to get it out

I called 911 But I had to get it out They'd be like You know what That was a self defense Thank you sir You're written out That was a self defense situation

Get out of here you scamp Beautiful We haveayhawk dx for 999 says mal wasn't my my wasn't cut out of smash just because of her breasts her entire outfit is pretty risque we guys are going in the comments about this pyra and me throw were censored just for showing their nice bare legs they've done this a number of times yeah do you know my from king of fighters the fighting character of okay you're looking at me like of course of course Just for showing their nice bare legs. They've done this a number of times. Yeah. Do you know Mai from King of Fighters? The fighting character.

Okay. You're looking at me like, of course. Come on. Of course. Well, they, obviously she's very well known for her bouncing breasts in these games, but Smash Brothers. Cut them out. Well, it's kind of a kid friendly game.

Because Pac-Man would have blowed enormous erections. Yeah. Like, whoa. I can't see jumbling breasts, though. They've seen them their whole life growing up. That's the whole point. It's not like you as a kid forget about bouncing breasts in your face.

You're not going to trick them into liking big tits. Exactly. We can't let these kids see... We can't let these kids see what they see during football games. Yeah. We can't let them see a thing that instinctively They're attracted towards regardless Or not

Either way If they're into it they're into it If they're not they're not Big Gay is worried that we're going to reprogram Their little Gay Lords Yeah well they're trying so hard to turn the kids gay And we keep thwarting them. Okay,

last one. Cyberganic says, I dated a girl once and she literally had over 200 Funko Pops. Pops, Jesus,

just stacked in her living room. That one's on you. Yeah, that kid was. Plus another 50 or so on the walls of 200 Funko Pops. See,

that's the worst part. It's like two grand. It's an infection. Yeah. Well, once they buy it, people say they buy a couple, and then I don't know. Some of these soulless characters staring at you. You go, I need more of these motherfuckers. I could be good with two.

Just looking at me. I have two. One of me and one is a Captain Marvel Funko Pop I bought to burn because it was funny. Okay, so you do have Funko Pops. It's on what I set on fire. You have the same amount as me that I had in my imagination and you shit all over me. One of them is a custom one of me. How is that different?

And the other one is a joke one that I got to set on fire for video. And you couldn't do it because the craftsmanship is so good. No, I did set it on fire. I set it on fire and then I took the charred remains and I put it back in the box because it's funny to me. That's a bit much. That's a bit much. Burning a woman, an effigy of a woman. I wanted to have a whole YouTube channel that was just buying whatever the most popular pop figure was that month and setting it on fire.

That's a good idea. People weren't into it for some reason. I think maybe I got too melodramatic with it i put like sad music over it i should have i should have had more exciting music yeah or you could have like a pick the way they die thing let's do it i'll bring it back i just don't have a place to burn stuff oh so we're buying funko pops now but we're destroying them it's okay yeah that's fine because that's funny goodbye everybody bye