The Biggest Problem in the Universe - Episode 19 - My Balls Hurt Superbad

Episode Date: December 6, 2021

Seth Rogen, Testicular Torsion, Live Action Anime, Free Trials with Credit Card

I think I'm mad about last week's results. Why is that? Because I was in the lead. I don't think that thing works. I don't think that voting thing works. Oh, no! I was going to take a video. Of what?

I clicked the up button on mine. It goes up one. And I clicked the down button for you, and it goes up two. And I'm like, what the hell is that? There's a cash. Don't embarrass is a cash? There's a cash. Don't embarrass yourself. I know there's a cash. Don't embarrass yourself by pointing these things out.

Yeah. I'm still going to take a video. I got to warn you of these things. The cash. There's a cash. Shut up. Do you know what a cash is? Yeah.

It's got the information saved up and it's, it's, uh, you got to refresh the page. It's got the information saved up And it's It's got the information saved up That's what a cache is Alright, here we go Biggest Problem

In The Universe Hey, welcome to the biggest problem In the universe. Hey, welcome to the biggest problem in the universe. The only show that ranks every problem in the universe from shrunken breasts to the savage west. Beautiful. Oh, man, that one was a mouthful. I'm your host, Dick Masterson.

Joining me as always is Vito Giswaldi. Hi, Dick. I'm excited to be here. Me too. The proud owner of Vito2. What do you call your new channel? Vito2. Vito2. Why get creative with it? Why not V2? See, everyone says that. You never do that. Vito with two O's. Anytime somebody comes to you and they're like, I have an idea

for a domain name, it's like energistic synergies, but I push the two word together and you're like, no, no, no, no, no. Walt tries. Because then every time people people go how do i find your new channel you go well it's v2 but it's spelled v-i-t i never want to have that conversation i have a mexican last name in america herrera whoa how many hours does that have like 10 about blowing through the fourth wall. This is Doxane. Oh, I'm sorry. Oh, my God. Wow. I was referring to somebody else.

Somebody else? Yes. A guy named Brandon Herrera. Yeah, Brandon Herrera. The guy who's a gun guy. Oh, yeah. Every time he goes anywhere, he's going to spell his last fucking name. Brandon Herrera does.

It's R-E-R-E-R-A. Yeah. How many R's is that? You got about seven Well you can't say Try having a Mexican last name And then it's Masterson That's not a Mexican last name

You said your fucking You didn't need to You didn't need to say it That was like a People know what A Mexican last name is You didn't need to Give an example

That happens to be Brandon Herrera's last name Fine Any Mexican last name is full of fucking Gabagool's over here and fucking Greenman's over here. The winner

of last week. You're doing terrible. You're doing fucking terrible. No, I'm not, though. Because I lose by what? Like 20 votes? Yeah, because you at the last minute show up

and do the army of bots. Put your cash. Breast reduction surgery. Number one. It didn't come in number one enough. If you don't vote on these, they're up right now. They're up after the show. I'll put them up right after the show. You can vote. Vote Right after the show You gotta vote immediately Vote

Vote immediately Go vote on some of the other ones You know Yeah Don't just look Don't just vote then Go be involved Yeah go vote on the past shows too

Your votes don't matter In the US But they matter on the website Right Our website Biggestproblem.show Number two The myth of the noble savage

Which was winning For like the first Five days And I was like Oh The audience has evolved a little bit. And they're not just going with, I wish boobies were bigger. They're like, you know, like an interesting nuanced take on an actual, you know, historical problem with history. Yeah.

Yeah. The myth of the noble audience. Yeah, exactly. The myth of the intellectual audience is what I'm fighting right now. Cash bail, of course, no one cares about. Yeah. Give me tits or give me, just put me in prison. I don't care, honestly.

And then Funko Pops. See, Funko Pops are in last, but I did get a lot of comments and pictures of people being like, you know what, Vito? I agree. That Funko Pops suck. The quiet majority agrees with Funko Pops. SV says, Vito can't go outside without a hat and a video games t-shirt on, and he has the nerve to bring in Funko Pops? Eye-rolling emoji, man.

He's a video game playing man-child. Right. But I'm a video game playing man Manchild with taste, which is important. I see. You saw, did you see the picture I posted? You're wearing.

You're a walking advertisement. Yeah. For whatever you got on. Yeah, I got all sorts. Well, this is my Evangelion hat, of course. My dad always wore

Nike stuff when I was a kid. Yeah. Nike all over. Somebody once asked like, hey, is that guy sponsored by Nike? This is like, you're kind of the same. Yeah.

Is that guy sponsored by? Do you work for Nintendo? Well, I do, yeah. Secretly. Head to Tilla says, watching Dick work out the mystery appeal of Funko Pops in real time is quite the journey. I think I did work him out.

Yeah, because you're looking at it and you're like, I want a Don Draper one And I still maintain that I'm like If that didn't have the word Don Draper on it You wouldn't know who it is It's just a guy It's like a little stupid looking thing It has no recognizable qualities

You're like this is not a piping me right now This is like a surrealist Proposition you've just put out Like Andy Warhol If the Don Draper Funko Pop was not named Would it still be Don Draper? And it wouldn't It's a soulless little thing

And I like to obtain Figurines that perhaps resemble The characters They look cool, shut up You don't think those Final Fantasy figures look cool? Yeah, they look cool. They look fucking awesome. It looks like it's straight out of the game.

How much did you spend on those? They're like a hundred something bucks each. You gonna hot glue those things? Yeah, I'm gonna hot glue. I'm gonna shoot my sticky web like Spider-Man. Yeah. Jar them up, baby. Yeah, everybody keeps saying, you're gonna need a big jar for those.

You're gonna need a big jar for all those. Yeah, that's funny. Man, it's funny. You know what, though? You know what I realized? What? What made your point a lot better? Funko Pops.

You know what they will never make a Funko Pop out of? Who? Blazing Saddles. Yeah, probably that. You can't make. You can't. You can't make a Blazing Saddles Funko Pop today. No.

So they have no artistic integrity. I take back everything I said. Nothing does. Nothing does. Nothing does. Jackson says, that was a useless study in Philadelphia because the DA is a full-fledged commie. Krasner is a criminal's best friend.

Oh, okay. Thanks for your call. Thanks for your comment. Thanks for your interest. Here's one for you. Captain Insano, breast reductions might be a bit of a conspiratorial point of view,

but I believe China's control over a large part of the media in the West, in America especially, has a lot to do with pushing these breast reductions. Valuing small breasts, the small Chinese breasts,

is that what he's saying? Yeah, ByteDance, the owners of TikTok, are directly funded by the CCP and help do surveillance for them through the platform china wants to demoralize and homogenize planet earth and killing american ideals such as big tits and getting rich helps them spread their communist propaganda do you think that i'm reading

this correctly i think so because men have typically only been able to get ahead by being rich, and women, by having giant tits, remove those by preaching small tits and hating the rich, and now nobody can get ahead, and they're thoroughly demoralized. Oh my God. What do you think about that?

You might have a point, though. You hear about all those women going in for eye-narrowing surgery? Excuse me? You know, they're going... Oh, no, you can't do that! No, I'm just saying. Excuse me? You know, they're going, no, no, you can't do that. No, I'm just saying. That's, you know,

like to go along with the small breasts. Eye narrowing. I thought they were making them new eye sockets so they could have their eyes closed together. They're bringing the eyelids

down a little bit. Like a flounder. Yeah. So that's China pushing that. They're stretching them out. Doctors are charging for that. Yeah, they're pushing it to the side.

Slantification of your eyes. Yeah, exactly. Oh, wow. CCCP. They know what they like. Todd B says, poor Vito. He already knows he's losing to breast reductions. You can see him. Yeah, I did know, and I hate it.

Come on. All right. Well, that's coming in and saying my problem is I want more big boobs. It's like, yeah, all right. You can't think of a bigger problem then? This Neanderthal audience is going to go, I also want big boobs. Do I touch titties? Duh. can't think of a bigger problem audience is gonna go i also have big boobs do i touch teddies i think they could speak a little better than maybe not your voices are getting dumber and

dumber like everybody who voted for me is smart oh yeah yeah okay everybody else do you want my problem for this week yes i do dick i'm gonna do another drum roll free trials with the credit card free trials with the trials with the credit card yeah how'd you like a free trial hey how'd you like to see this uh this episode this epic episode of south park uh on groobers.com fucking flingus shinehards wing wing wig company.com uh

put in your email In this box So we can email you The day after your Subscription runs out Sounds great I would love to watch The South Park

Special And Shinehard Wig company's Streaming platform That's awesome Just sign up right And pick it And then

I mean I like it If I like it I'll probably come back And maybe buy Some more of your stuff, right? No, we're going to need your credit card for that. Oh! Now, why is that?

Yeah, why do you need that? Now, why do you need it? Yeah. Because I know how the credit cards work. You could just scan it and then be done. You don't need to set up automated billing right away in case I fuck up. Right. You don't need any...

I could just do it from my... I play videos from my phone all the time. Right. You don't need any, I can just do it from my, I play videos from my phone all the time. Yeah. I don't need this. I know you don't need it, but you know I'm going to fuck up, don't you? I mean, that's literally the only thing they're banking on

is, yeah, that you forget that it's in there. Then I'm going to fuck up. Have you ever fucked up? Every single one. Every one? I have you fuck up? Never.

Never canceled. I have it cut and paste paste copy and paste of hey i forgot to cancel can you refund me i'll see you i'll firebomb your office if you don't do this i'll drown your kid yeah it's like a whole template that i send them please pick one of the below the second i sign up for anything the very first thing i do is go in and i turn off the billing how do you do that you just you just once you sign up for anything. The very first thing I do is go in and I turn off the billing. How do you do that? You just, you just, once you sign up,

you can go into your billing options and go, do you want to turn off automatic billing? And you go, yeah. Oh, I didn't know you could do that. What are you serious? They were going to,

I thought you didn't have to watch it first. I don't know. I thought you had to like give it a minute. Is it so hard to get through? No, it's like two seconds after you sign up, you go into the app. Oh my God my god installing the fucking app was bad enough sure what was that wrestlemania that they had the where they had the undertaker fighting somebody in like

a episode of the cw yeah like they're in a graveyard and having like a oh yeah there's no audience yeah i must have tried i must have paid for the w fan pack for like 14 months. There's probably still subscriptions I have. And then you want to get one of those subscription canceling things? Guess what? Give it a shot for 90 days. Let me just have your credit card. Well, that's the other thing is when you're trying to get out,

they try to bring you back in. You ever see that with like, I want to cancel my Hulu. And they go, hold on hold on what if we gave you like two extra months two months free you're like what is this what is this game that we're playing free yeah cancel then give me free and if i enjoy it two months i'll come back wow we're not gonna do that what we're gonna do is fuck you yeah well that's what we're gonna do it's uh hold your ass open, and then to get ready, why do I need to hold my ass open to see your free trial?

Because you're probably going to want to fuck afterwards. Yeah. Probably. That's just how it goes. Brought some stats for you. Well, I imagine these companies are cleaning up on this stuff, is that you just forget. Even I, who, again, I'm very attentive attentive i checked on my phone i'm like i've been paying like ten dollars a month

for this stupid like streaming app that i've never used it's like a hundred bucks out the window there's got to be there's got to be some way to get these guys back for this shit there's got to be some cash like i'm not using it if i haven't logged in in six months, could you send me a courtesy email? Like, buddy, look, we got you. We got you. All right. We're going to put it in the gift. You haven't used anything. Like the gym calling in.

This is just it. You signed up for New Year's three years ago and you haven't come in. We're just encouraging you to come. No, no, no, don't call them. You might cancel the thing. How different? Why is that different than theft? Right.

Why? Conceptually, why? It's a grift uh from 2017 to 2019 consumers filed more than 60 000 complaints and reports about free trials to the bbbbbb wow yeah unsuspecting shoppers have lost nearly one and a half billion dollars on these things the medium loss of 150 $150 a victim. Wait, really? Per person? Per median, which is average, which is exactly

the same as average. Any statistician will tell a statistician will tell you that. That means that for all the people who are zero like you, there's somebody like me who's 300 and more. Well, like I said, I think even I'm 100 and I'm good at that sort of thing. $150. That's a lot of money. It's like half a tank of gas, thanks to Biden. Half a tank of gas. Like I said, I think even I'm 100 And I'm good at that sort of thing 150 bucks

It's like half a tank of gas, thanks to Biden Half a tank of gas, fuck you The BBB Presidential gas grabbers voted up Do you see their graph? The Democratic Party said, thanks Biden It showed how gas fell 2 cents In a week, but they exploded the graph

So much that it was like, pew But it was 2 cents Yeah, they exploded the graph so much that it was like pew, but it was two cents. They got it. Biden's getting it done. Oh! Oh, everybody keeps saying his fucking pipeline, the Keystone pipeline was gonna... That wasn't gonna be built for years. Oh, okay.

Wouldn't have changed the price of gas. So when Trump comes in and it drops, it's because of that. Bring him in! By all means. Are you ready for Trump now? I want Trump part two and you guys get one more chance to usher in an era of prosperity. And if it works, I will forever go. Well, you were right.

Give it one more. You get one more go at the Apple trial scams here. Nearly two thirds of its complaints come from women. So this is especially predatory and immensely challenged. Yeah. Right? And the fat. The fat.

And people in their 30s. Don't millennials have enough problems? You can't live life without being subscribed to everything and getting raped for it. You really can't. Would you like to see the sun today? Just scan your fucking credit card in the metaverse. Your goggles will simulate sun. When your goggles detect you're in the sun today? Just scan your fucking credit card in the metaverse Your goggles will simulate sun When your goggles detect you're in the sun

They'll simulate sunshine I don't even know what streaming services I'm signed up for right now The other day I was like on my TV I'm like oh yeah do I have Hulu? I'm like I haven't used this in yeah again like six months You gotta find a You gotta get a girlfriend just for Hulu Yeah why what do they watch on there?

And then you steal their password Yeah exactly Put like a real Handsome man You need a Streaming whore As they call them Yeah

You gotta listen baby Friends with benefits And the benefit is I got your Hulu password Go on Tinder Yeah With like a fake picture Yeah

Right Right Just unbelievably fake Underwear model Sure And then say start chatting them up And say like Hey can I just get your

Hulu password Right To make sure this is serious Yeah and then ghost them You know they can change the password Well actually they probably Won't They won't though

Because they're dumb millennials You just gotta log in every day Yeah Or every week And chat them up a bit Six out of ten people Who signed up were charged. Jeez.

The nonprofit also cited data from the FBI. Internet crime that said 6,000 complaints resulted in a total of 15 million. Oh, my God. Isn't it just like a slap of the dick in your face? Put your credit card in here. My credit card's in a whole other room yeah you think i have it memorized now i gotta just to get this stupid in google which i never like because i'm like who's gonna come along and start buying stuff on my account it should be illegal it's gonna be illegal to ask for the credit card yeah for like a trial if

you're not buying it be illegal yeah it's sneaky business okay well that's my problem surprised it works so well people forgetting and fucking up yeah i think that's a safe business model well like i said i mean anytime i sign up for things first thing i do is i go no no no no because i would forget otherwise what do you what do you do do you make a note not do nothing come back you just get it And then you assume You're gonna remember There Yeah you're fucked Set in my head I'll come back 29 days later

Boom It's a very bad plan No shit Yeah it's not working out Cost me so much fucking money I go through once Once a year Yeah

During Christmas break I'll go through Oh you finally take a look At your bills And whatever else Yeah Yeah I think at one point I went through my bank statements

I forget what else I was paying for Maybe it was that app i don't know but yeah well i'm a fucking idiot yeah well you know who else is an idiot who's an idiot my problem is seth fucking rogan who is this guy who is this motherfucker yeah donkey kong donkey kong great america's most despised stoner Send him back to Canada Seth Rogen showed up on our shores And he's brought nothing but pain and misery To everyone around him I'll give him the benefit of the doubt

I'll say maybe this guy was kind of fun at one point He's like a fun stoner guy He's in some dumb movies But then I think he got infected he got infected by this la disease of well you know now that i'm hanging out with rich and famous people you know i'm better than normal people yeah it really yeah it really is oh absolutely really do comedians yeah why would you want to be a big comedian star and just not be funny anymore right like what is the deal with that no they show they go from being like hey i'm doing like

fun subversive comedy and then i think they meet these gatekeeper guys in the in the rich community are like well you know you're a little uh offensive whatever and they're like well i want to be friends with you know gwyneth paltrow and all these other whatever i want to stick eggs in my pussy too yeah so they just abandon their comedy they abandon the craft that they're supposed to defend and they start lecturing everybody about how they're not that's not funny you're punching down seth rogan are you jewish before you get into this jewish on uh seth rogan seth rogan he so now I have to specify. On Seth Rogen. Seth Rogen, he probably wouldn't have to ask except all these Jews

in show business change their names. Why did he ask? For those of you who don't know what Dick is referencing, there's a comedian named Dankula,

Count Dankula, who famously taught his girlfriend's dog when he said, Hail, the H-man. No, he said, when he said,

gas the J's. Did he say, gas the J's? Yeah, then it would do gas that and then the dog would say hey how's it going

yeah raise his hand up okay whatever that's extra funny yeah so whatever it's fucked but it's like it's the internet

who gives a shit yeah now that guy got prosecuted for hate speech which is ridiculous you can't you know in Germany

you can do that you can't do that here actually is he in Germany or somewhere Scotland pretty close yeah they have the same kind of hate speech laws or whatever else so seth rogan took offense to this as not she's germany yeah yeah seth rogan uh tweets to dankula are you a jewish person thank you he goes no i'm not and seth rogan goes then you're either someone who is not funny has astonishingly bad judgment or most likely both this is the funniest part of this this

this never gets brought up enough yeah you're not funny in parentheses i work in the sphere yeah yeah yeah oh okay thanks seth rogan you know because i work in comedy and if this breaks your country's laws in regard to hate crimes you're an even bigger idiot what the fuck why'd you just be the funny stoner guy who we kind of tolerate it's not funny though no he never was he's never had ever realized he's just in those stupid improv comedy movies that also aren't funny yeah he was a real virgin he's basically a character actor you're like i don't know i'd hang out with that guy get a beer he says a stupid funny thing but i don't think he was ever like can you think of any seth rogan joke that made you dying no rolling on the floor party was horrible too i'm unwatchable don't watch it

well that's another part of the seth rogan hate is that sausage party the animators all got fucked and made like no money that's i like that part yeah you like exploiting party the animators all got fucked and made like no money. That's, I like that part. Yeah, you like exploiting talent. Yeah, fuck animators. Everything they, 3D animators

have ruined movies. They should all be fined for the work that they do. Okay. All the Star Wars animation, it was all shit.

It all looked like shit. All CG in all movies looks like crap, except for Jurassic Park. And that's only because there's puppets in a couple scenes. Yeah. The puppets say this.

Yeah, it's like, all right, I'll let that CG fly. But all movies, all CG in all movies looks like dog shit, and none of those people should be paid anything for it. They should be thanking God that they even got, if they fucking ate some street and shamed some crumbs from craft services well uh your rant against the noble animator aside uh seth rogan is one of these guys i mean let's go into some of his recent behavior here okay so recently you know casey neistat he's a youtube guy he's that guy with the fucked up nose. Yeah. He's like got punched in the nose.

He skateboards around LA or New York, that is. Casey goes, well, my car got robbed this morning because LA is a crime riddled third world shithole of a city. Thank you to the cops who not only arrested the motherfucker, but got our stolen goods back. Now, this made a certain group of people really mad. This defund the police type thing. And they're like, you called the police on a homeless person who was just trying to steal bread out of your car and you

know in his car wow that's their argument he was just trying to feed his family i think bread would be okay to have leaving your car around here honestly yeah i don't think they're stealing bread and despite what some would claim and then seth rogan of course needs to step in rather than be like wow man i'm sorry your car got broken into. I really feel bad for you. He goes, dude, I've lived here for over 20 years. You're nuts. Ha ha.

It's lovely here. Don't leave anything valuable in it. It's called living in a big city. Hey, Seth, I can't just buy a new car if my car gets stolen. So why don't you shut the fuck up about what I got to deal with living in L.A.? Well, it's expensive. Replacing all expensive replacing all the replacing your fucking windows and shit and like all the stuff that was in your car i don't know man and then he goes forward he goes you know you can be mad but i i guess i just don't personally view a car as an extension of myself i view my

car as an extension of myself it's my fucking property because seth i'm not you and if all my shit gets stolen i can't just buy a new one because i'll just make a new hbo max comedy with harris elverman and make enough for it no fuck you here's the worst part though i've never felt violated any of the 15 or so times my car was broken into once seen i don't believe that there's no way i don't know yeah exactly i've been living in la this whole time i never got that many many. My car's broken into you six million times. And I never felt bad about it. He goes, once a guy accidentally left a cool knife in my car. So if it keeps happening, you might get a little treat.

Such a grotesque sycophant. What a fucking... Such a kiss ass. But you know why he's doing it? Because he knows that's what he has to do as the good liberal guys. He goes, oh, you know, the only person breaking into cars, they're just trying to feed their families. I got a cool knife out of it. Yeah. Well, the best part of that meme is that these people have been

posting videos of women getting robbed at a gun point in LA. And they go, hey, Seth, when does she get the treat? What part does the treat show up at? So because of this incident, everybody's been dunking on Seth Rogen for seth rogan the guy who robbed the car jewish i don't know seth should ask them find that out should find out he's very worried about

that so that seth goes hey i'm putting out a christmas show which looks terrible santa santa incorporated yeah it's about sarah silverman is an elf who wants to be the first wasn't she complaining about santa she was complaining that a white person playing a Jewish role is bad. Right? So she's playing Santa Claus? Santa Claus is Jewish? She wants to become

the Jewish Santa Claus. Yeah. She wants to co-opt that culture. Okay. You can do anything you want to white people, Dick. We know this, of course. So everybody's goofing on his show

because he looks stupid. And also Seth Rogen a week ago publicly humiliated himself with his stupid, yeah, it's cool when your car gets broken into it's just you know the fun of living in a big city is he trying to like indoctrinate another celebrity like brainwash him

yeah he's he's like a shithole yeah it is a shithole it sucks you don't have to defend it yeah what are you getting out of it other than giant piles of money with you and your rich friends who have given up on making real comedy yeah anyway so everyone's making fun of his new santa show what does seth say well we really pissed off tens of thousands of white supremacists with our new show santa incorporated now available

on hbo max fuck this guy fuck this stupid motherfucker what is it what is in his head i think he's lost his fucking mind nobody doesn't like you because we're white supremacists. He seems to think there's an organized conspiracy. It's the one thing that we can agree on with the white supremacists. It's dislike of you. Yeah. You made that happen. Here's the thing, man.

If there's an organized conspiracy against the Jews, it's not against the Hollywood ones because you guys are making plenty of money. Not selling all the shows. I promise you it's against them. Well, yeah, they hate them. I've spoken with a couple guys. But they can't. It's mostly them.

But they're not destroying their shows and movies because those movies are selling just as good as ever before. Oh, yeah. You legitimately made a shitty thing and the white supremacists are not able to take it down because you're Jewish. Well, you made it about being Jewish. Yeah. Like, you made it about being Jewish. Yeah. Like, you made it about race and stupid racial stereotypes. Isn't the only black...

Can you imagine being a rich, you know, basically white guy in an LA making all your dream projects and going, wow, you know, I'm really kind of marginalized because, you know, I'm Jewish.

And, you know, these white supremacists... You are living the dream a motherfucker save some of that marginalized oh the white supremacists are coming for me speak for i don't know inner city black people who are dealing with real fucking problems uh i think they should give an academy award for most white supremacists pissed off by yeah the most brag all brag about it, man. They all brag.

If there wasn't a white supremacist moving online, I don't know what they could blame the shitty movie on. I really pissed off the Nazis with that one. You didn't. You didn't.

They don't care. This didn't register. They're still making fun of you at whatever Nazis are out there. Yeah. They're not mad that you made the show. They just think you're ridiculous and stupid, whoever they are. And now're not mad that you made the show. They just think you're ridiculous

and stupid whoever they are. And now we all do along with the Nazis. I hope the Nintendo movie Mario bombs with his nonsense. I don't know, man.

The only one who doesn't react like an asshole is Chris Pratt. Yeah. Everyone else just behaves like a fucking lunatic at every

every opportunity yeah but you don't have to you don't have to weigh it is he from LA? no he's from Canada yeah nobody

who's from LA defends LA nobody yeah everybody hates it here perhaps a movie you've heard of Mulholland Drive

where the main point of the movie is that LA is a clusterfuck hell on earth yeah forget it Jake it's Chinatown

kind of a definitive film for LA and the message is that it is that even back then yeah

it was a Gordian knot of a clusterfuck of corruption and crime and incestuous rape and murder, and that won the Academy Award for Story.

The message there was so accurate and so important to the life, the toxic poison, this abortion of a city that we have to live in for various reasons, not explained, explained but not explained in that movie, 70 years ago, 50, 60, 70 years ago. It's been, what are you, is he protesting mall and drive? Actually, it's a great, actually, it's not Chinatown, Jake.

No, it's great. It's a good place to be. It's a total shithole. It's pretty bad. Yeah. I don't know what I like in LA. All the stuff I like in LA is away from... Like what?

I don't know. Canada? I don't go anywhere. Where do you go? I can't express myself with my hatred of Sethh rogan without breaking and he's also you know what drives me most nuts is again he's a traitor because he's one of these guys who he got he got to the top of the pops top of the charts by doing this subversive stoner whatever the fuck comedy say whatever you want it's fun improv you can make little homophobic jokes oh

i forgot about that hold on real quick he disowns his homophobic homophobic jokes of course does that make it better these guys go back and they have to revise the things that made them famous they now regret you might know a guy who did that with a certain book uh that was great it's funny looking at some movies we've made in the last 10 years under the lenses of new eras new social consciousness there's for sure some stuff in our earlier movies and even our most recent movies where a year later you're like, hmm, maybe that wasn't the greatest idea.

Oh, yeah. There's probably some jokes in Superbad that are bordering on blatantly homophobic at times. Shut the fuck up! Wait, bordering? They're trying to get girls drunk so they can rape them, so they can date rape them.

What are you talking about bordering? There's plenty of shit in there. The mission of that movie is date rape, dude. But these guys make the fun movies 10 years ago. And now anybody else who wants to make a fun joke, they go, well, you know, the landscape has changed. And certain jokes affect marginalized communities. And Ellie's a beautiful place to live.

He's not fucking funny, man. That's it. Yeah, he's not funny. He's not fucking funny, man. That's it. Yeah, he's not funny. He's just not funny. I don't think he was ever funny. I think we were tricked. No, he wasn't. How did he get in?

Some kind of casting director nepotism? It was, what do you call it? He got in with freaks and geeks, and then he clung to Judd Apatow. I just don't like the way he looks. I don't like his shitbag face. I don't like his shit bag hair and chin i hate the ultimate douchebag hipster stereotype you know the la guy who goes no it's fun to get your car broken into that's just part of life the 16 times it makes you sick forever every time i've had my

i used to get my car broken into all the time because it had one of these windows in the back the old times the old ford pickup people would go in so i didn't leave anything in there yeah but every fucking time i was like oh man yeah my civic got broken into twice before it just got stolen and all the parts ripped out of it and you're like dude that's a 20 stereo i would have just paid you 20 to not break the fucking window these fucking kids i'm sure I've told this story before I had that old Lexus Sports car Somebody smashed the window in the middle of the day

To steal a Gamecube That I had in there No games, just a Gamecube And I called the cops And they filled out their stupid report And I was going through the glass Looking for evidence And I found on some of the glass there was little bits of chocolate so i said i

think a fucking kid yeah like a little kid having a chocolate bar like csi i was telling the cop yeah it's like i don't know what you're like i need to go find a chocolate boy yeah find a little kid eating chocolate if we find the chocolate boy this whole thing is cracked wide open because who would steal a game there's like they were like 25 cents on ebay the stupidest thing that ever happened was my girlfriend's car got broken into and they stole a 12 pack of diet coke and a height extension for an ikea shelf and i'm like i don't what did you want what are you gonna do with those items you probably do not own the shelf to which that height extension attaches uh you have no need for it, sir. My girlfriend's car got broken into right in front of our house.

Yeah. Wow. And cops came. Of course, a ton of cops. You got cameras out there now. Yeah, I have footage of it, too, of the stealing. Oh, really? Stealing.

Cops said, all right, you know, we'll see what we can do, but your car is gone. Right? They're like, okay. So the cops all leave, and they said, we're going to go look for it. We're going to go look for it. All right, all right, all right.

Oh, they stole the car? Stole the car. Oh my God. So, we go to lunch. All right, I guess you got to file insurance.

We go, we go, we get in my car, make a right, drive about a hundred feet down the street. There's a car right there.

Yeah. They just, cops, cops missed it after taking down all the they were probably in the computer entering the information drove

right by it do turn out they drove it away just to steal stuff out of it they stole some CD and a dress that she was sending back because it didn't fit right so now yeah I'm on the

lookout for the lady in that dress right and I'm gonna get her and beat it beat it out of her where the guy is who gave her that dress. Where's my CD? No, no, no. Where's the guy? Because he's got the CD.

Who gave you this dress? Could be a woman. Who sold you this dress? You don't know. Well, then it works both ways. Yeah, either way, you're going to beat up women. Yes. Good plan.

Okay. That's it. How bad do you think Seth Rogen is though? He's worse He's worse than Knock him out Another one's gonna come in

No He's one of the He's one of the top Shitbags out there Okay here's my problem Here's my Second problem Yeah

Testicular torsion Would you rather have A Seth Rogen Or a Testicular torsion Well a testicular torsion Is easily rather have a Seth Rogen or a testicular torsion? Well, testicular torsion is easily treated. Where as Seth Rogen won't go away. No, easily treated? Yeah.

Do you know that for a fact? Are you going to risk your balls on easily treated? What are you, WebMD? They know what they're doing at this point. They know what they're doing about balls? Yeah. No, not even close. They don't know what they're doing.

The only thing that they know how to do is cut off tits and prescribe SSRIs and inject you with heart attack serum. That's it.

Okay. That's what medicine knows how to do. Tell me about testicular torsion. Testicular torsion occurs when the spermatic cord

from which the testicles is suspended twists. Really? This is better than Seth Rogen to you? This is worse than that. Cutting off the blood supply

to the testicles. The most common symptom in children. Oh, why did they go immediately to children? It's sudden and severe. Guess what? Testicles pain.

Yeah, well, that seems to make sense to me. testicle maybe build up of that get you know what that you know what that causes testicular pain yeah no shit well they wrote it testicles may be higher than usual so you give them a spin and they want to wind it up so if your testicles all of a sudden are like what the hell yeah it's all tied up like a fucking like a keychain at the bank when you spin it around and it goes you know yeah you're not afraid of this all the time do i have some kind of weird testicle torsion phobia i think you kind of do yeah if i'm if i'm this is

not this is true if i'm sitting are you constantly checking your balls yeah to make sure they're not wrapping around each other well if i'm sitting and TV, and I feel that my balls are vertical, you know, sometimes they can lay on your leg or go between your legs. You can have one on top of the other? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. Like a... Sticks.

Yeah. Like Connect Four. Like a snowman. Like a snowman, yeah. I'll go... I'll start sweating like I'm disarming a bomb, thinking like, I think the right one is on top, but what if I fucking... What if I push the wrong bomb thinking like, I think the right one is on top,

but what if I fucking, what if I push the wrong one? What if it's the left one's on top and I'm fucking torting, torting up my test, torsioning up my testicles right now. Yeah. It doesn't happen to you. I don't think about my balls that often.

Oh, that, that happens to me at least, at least the only time I think about my four times a day. I don't like cold. And we've discussed this. The testicle may be higher as than usual in the scrotum and vomiting may occur. So anytime vomiting.

How much of the vomiting? Because it's the worst thing ever. Yeah, but you can say that about any kind of pain. It's because your balls are closer to your face. Right. And you start vomiting out of homophobia. And newborns. Oh, I don't want to read

about newborns yeah no skip over that there's a limit to what I want on this show oh testicles tumors

or prior trauma may increase risk Vito how treatment is by physically untwisting the testicles

so you can't even what else would the treatment be I don't know something something better than that like new testicles I don't know. Something better than that. New testicles. I don't want to walk around with these fucking...

Because then it's likely to have it again, right? Testicle or prior trauma may increase risk. So if you've torted up your testicles once, you're going to tort those motherfuckers up again. It's recurring. Look at any problem on our list. would you rather have your testicles torted or would you rather be woke marketed to okay but are you woke marketed to constantly and will never deal with the problem of testicular torsion you don't know that what are the what would you rather have

what would you rather have one testicle torsion Or a lifetime of woke marketing Look This is not how you determine the problems I'm not gonna answer This is a loaded question No You're not answering Because the answer is No

Because mine is bigger Because mine is the worst problem It's a dumb hypothetical Because the It's not a dumb It's not biggest What would you rather have done to you Because then the biggest problem

I'm just I'm asking in an unrelated Cutting off your dick Should I bring in Cut off your dick as a problem? No because it doesn't happen all the fucking time That's transphobic Okay but it's not like a common problem

Okay what if my problem was your dick gets eaten by monkeys And I go well what's worse if your dick gets eaten by monkeys It occurs The problem is it has to be like a thing that you know It's very common it occurs in a one in four thousand To one in twenty five thousand That's a pretty big That's a pretty big One in 4,000 to one in 25,000. That's a pretty big sample size there.

Yeah, what are you talking about? That's what they have on the stats. I don't know. Look, one in 4,000? Yeah. That's one in 25,000? That's about a million times more times than COVID deaths. Okay. And you think that's a big deal. So one in 25,000. Is it a million times more times than COVID deaths. And you think that's a big deal.

So one in 25,000. Is it a million times more? What are the COVID deaths? COVID is like one in a Googleplex or something. Bullshit. Shut the fuck up. It's like one in a million. It's like one in a million. It's not one in a million, you moron.

I think it is. We looked up the numbers. Probably one in 15,000. Well, yes. That would make it less or more common. In the middle. Right in the middle. What would you rather have? COVID or your nuts all screwed up i'd probably rather have

covid at that point okay so covid you think having your balls all twisted around is worse than covid i guess yeah okay probably but woke marketing you're not gonna on on average would you rather uh if i was an old guy i'd probably rather have Testicular torsion though Because you could survive Spin them around Yeah well No it's just the more That you have less of a chance Of surviving COVID

Vomiting all the time? I don't think you vomit All the time I think you vomit That's the least of my worries Imagine so much pain In your testicles That you're vomiting

All over the place Alright Well if I'm one of the Unlucky 25 You know One in 25,000 Then it'll be a huge problem For me

1 in 25,000 Is not a lot There's not a lot of people That just means There's two guys That's at a At a Dodgers game At a Dodgers

You picture a Dodgers game Sure And I said Two of you are getting Your nuts twisted up At some point In your entire life Out of that whole stadium

Two guys are gonna have that happen A year A year Everybody here Look to your Right Look to your left Eventually that whole stadium

Is gonna happen You and one other guy Are gonna have your nuts twisted up this year That's the stats And now fight over Who it will be And we will determine it Um

Twisting Yeah the treatment Opioids Opioid epidemic That's a big problem What the fuck Kind of suck What is that

That's what I'm just reading Just taking opioids Make it more likely Nah that's it You have to treat it With opioids Oh so it could lead To opioid addiction

Listen Listen 40% of people Men 40% of testicle havers Yeah right Require Removal of the testicles

After testicular torsion? Yes And you're fucking laughing about it You're fucking laughing about it Like Alec Baldwin Fucking shooting ladies And laughing about it on 60 Minutes Afterwards

Lying about woke marketing Of those 25,000 people 40% of them get their nuts lopped off We would hear about this Oh no wait However if delayed for 12 or more hours The testicles is typically If those 25,000 people, 40% of them get their nuts lopped off, we would hear about this. Oh, no, wait. However, if delayed for 12 or more hours, the testicles is typically not salvageable. About 40% of those that are delayed for more than 12 hours.

Okay. 40% of those that are delayed for more than 12 hours. Thank you. So you think you could untwist your own testicles? They're all twisted around? What if you go the wrong way? It's like a phone cord. Like you just let the phone dangle and it'll slowly untangle the cord.

No way. There's no way that's how it works. You just spin in a circle real quick and the centrifugal force complications me will unwind them. The inability to have children. Oh my God.

That's a positive for you. And a number of people in this audience. And everybody else. Yeah. Honestly. I can't believe that you're so cavalier about having a testicle. I just think that, you know. What?

It's not that big a problem. The fear of it, though. The fear of it, sure. Are you more afraid of Honestly Honestly Honestly answer this Are you more afraid of an asteroid

Hitting the earth Or your testicles getting twisted around Probably my testicles getting twisted around Cause there's a higher chance You're washing yourself You're like I don't know man I gotta be real delicate around here I'm gonna fucking twist these things up

I've never felt this fear And I feel like you're instilling this fear In everyone listening now I don't want You're giving them a never felt this fear. And I feel like you're instilling this fear in everyone listening now. I don't want. You're giving them a phobia they don't need to have. If you're listening, I do not want you to think about if your testicles are on a snowman position, if you know the right one and which way to go. I don't want you to think about shoving them in tight pants and going like,

Oh, fuck. Is this all right? They're both going the same way are they going to accidentally get flopped around some there how if i sit on them there'll be some sort of special devices that take this into account special underwear we can wear yeah sure you got to cup each ball perfectly and you know if if it starts like that if it starts moving in the wrong direction a giant alarm goes off yeah definitely, I would definitely like that. Warning, warning. Oh, sorry.

My testicular torsion awareness device is a... Look, man. I'm drifting slightly left. This is a big problem. It could cause a wraparound. This is a big problem. Is that the biggest one? You can just shut off the TV.

You can't shut off your nuts. They could get twisted around. You're really trying to take that top spot. No, I'm just saying. I'm speaking to the audience. The audience thinks that's a big problem. So I'm saying this in relation to that is also a big problem. Right.

Vote it up. Just because you describe a horrific thing, it has to, frequency has to be a part of it. No, no. The fear of it is part of it too. Of everything. Right? Yeah. Okay.

Go ahead. What's your problem my problem is dick live action anime adaptations what are we doing here

what are we doing like Garfield yeah like Garfield I tried watching you really you really tickled by that reaction I tried watching, Dick

No, it's not Tale of Two Kitties? Yeah, Tale of Two Kitties What is it? Chipwrecked? Alvin and the... No, because... Chipwrecked? Alvin and the Chipmunks

Oh, is that the Alvin and the Chipmunks sequel? I didn't like that one What, the second Alvin and the Chipmunks movie? I didn't like any of the Alvin You didn't like any of them? Nah Who's the guy who played Dave? I don't know that one. What, the second album in the Chipmunks movie? I didn't like any of the albums. You didn't like any of them? Nah. Who's the guy who played Dave? I don't know.

What's his name? All I know is that's old David Cross. That's the only thing a whole generation knows David Cross from, is being the villain in the album in the Chipmunks movies. Good. It's really fun. Good? You don't like David Cross?

I don't know. He's all right. What's his opinion on guns? He's also, yeah, like a big anti-Trump psychopath Like yeah What the hell? How are all these comedians Not seeing his comedic genius?

Yeah Anyway Oh well Tried watching that Cowboy Bebop Oh yeah How much of that have you watched? Did you watch the whole thing? I watched a lot of it

The writing is so bad It's really bad Like shockingly bad Yeah and this is this seems to have been the case with all of the anime adaptations now the ones i've seen i've seen ghost in the shell do you see that one no no terrible terrible there i don't it's it's mostly the writing i don't know what's happening part of it might just be the american writing aesthetic takes these these ideas they're kind of cool and then just like makes them stupid as hell yeah because at one point like ghost of the shell i don't know they just assume the audiences what's ghost in the shell like a robot ghost in the shell

is an anime movie that was about a futuristic police department and the main girl was uh yeah she was a cyborg so she had had a human brain and a robot body. A sex robot? Well, she had a lot of sex in the original comic. Actually, the guy who made the comic famously quit just to make porn comics. He's like, I just want to make porn comics now. Oh, okay. He made one of the greatest cyberpunk works of all time.

He's like, and now I want to make lesbians railing the shit out of each other. Anyway, so Ghost in the Shell refers to refers to of course the ghost is your soul shell is your robot body yeah but you just kind of get that you don't have to actually say it in the movie they go see her ghost is going into her shell the ghost is her soul and the shell is her body i'm like do you think the audience is that fucking stupid i think i figured out why live action anime doesn't work. Why? No, no, no. I'll tell you.

Do your thing. Yeah, I figured it out, though. Is it because those anime nerds are being fucking... No, no, no. Do your presentation. I don't want to derail you. I think that Americans are always trying to fix things and change things. And why not just be authentic to the original thing?

Don't fuck around and change it for no reason. Like in Cowboy Bebop, they have changed. There's that character. It's so bad. The change is so bad. And they say we fixed it. There's a character, Gren, who was like a military experiment or whatever, and it made him grow boobs.

And he's like, oh, this is really fucked up my life, and it's changed my image of myself. And I get a real crybaby about it. If I woke up with boobs tomorrow i'd be like oh well as a man who has boobs they're not that great like you want nice ones yeah like lady boobs yeah fair enough uh anyway they changed him in this adaptation and just be an out and proud trans character. Like a real flamboyant homosexual. I'm here boys! Hello! And you're like, what the cock sucking

fuck is this? I saw the news articles first. Yeah. I was like, oh, they gave him a little twist and then that came on. I was like, oh, that's a big twist. What are you? It's just bizarre. And I think again It's that

These Americans They think Well I don't know They seem to think They have better ideas Than this legendary work That has been enjoyed

By countless generations They adapted Garfield Just fine Yeah They didn't fuck around With that really They fucked around A little bit

Did they I've never seen the Garfield Yes because Odie Is a real dog Oh and Garfield Is a talk Garfield movie yes because Odie is a real dog oh and Garfield is a talkie dog you're messing it up or a talkie cat

yeah like I don't want to see Garfield an animated cat being mean to a real dog oh that's weird yeah because Garfield hates Odie and is abusive to him

he's eating up a real dog not really so he's pulling a lot of punches I don't like this I feel like Garfield dislikes Monday. It's very...

The Death Note adaptation. Did you ever get to see that? Yeah, that made me want to kill myself. I don't understand why you have the template for a perfect thing, which is like, it's about an insane genius who gets handed the ability to kill people. And you go, what if he was a fucking dumbass? Yeah.

It's like, well, I don't know. It's more relatable know i guess relatable though an audience well i guess it's more audience of idiots well americans are stupid as fuck they're not gonna understand a child they already made the move they already made the anime for all the you know sophisticated uh gentlemen now they have to make it now they have to make it for the losers it would have been as i think about it like all right it would have been funny If they actually made it Like a legit comedy And it's just like What if some fucking loser found

He's like I'll kill the president And some shit Like yeah that'd be funny I don't know why Well As soon as I saw that Cowboy Bebop was 50 minutes

And not 30 Yeah that pisses me off I was like well this isn't You can't make The Simpsons An hour long procedural Like that's not Yeah That's not me off It's like well this isn't You can't make The Simpsons An hour long procedural Right Like that's not Yeah

That's not the same That's not how it works You can't have a four act Sci-fi adventure That's like a Law and order Yeah Where you do the same thing

In every one of the four acts In every single Fucking episode Is the exact same So that no matter What episode you come in on You're like Yeah somebody got raped

I got it yeah and you have the same conversations and you go oh we're going into the judge's chambers here we go

we're gonna see that no twist J.K. Simmons here we go yeah no twists that's the other thing yeah why it does drive me nuts

that it's longer because I'm like what made the original great was they perfectly packed that 28 minutes or whatever it is snappy quick right to the point.

Instead of this long, drawn out fucking. Yeah. Maybe that's why the writing sucks. They have to write all these fucking shitty lines to fill space. Writing in procedurals like those, like, you know, hour long shows are, is complete dog shit. Atrocious. Like 60 year old, like Jag. You ever watched an episode of Jag?

I sure haven't. I don't know what the fuck a Jag is. Right? Like old, old ladies are watching that every night. And it's, it's at them. They're the only ones who can stomach that dumb of dialogue.

Yeah. Cause they have to get through the whole, but here's the real reason why live action anime doesn't work. Okay. I watched Gantz too Did you watch that a lot? Oh no that was a computer animation Yeah

That was computerized They do have a live action Gantz movie Which I haven't seen It actually looks kinda It's not gonna be good Some people have said That some of the Japanese Like live action adaptations are okay

Yeah I think it's really the Americans Who just fuck it up Cause I think they hand it off To these directors who go Yeah I don't know I'll watch a couple episodes and figure it out as i go what's dragon ball about it's about a kid he's got powers or something well no there's a whole you know decades of lore and it's about a high school kid i got it yeah i i understand i understand the

problem i agree with the problem but let me explain why it exists sure like so the simpsons right homer's choking bart right right? Right. If you made that anime in real life where the dad's choking the son, it's not going to be funny. Yeah. You know? And then you're going to get people online saying,

why do they fuck up the Simpsons anime with the live action? It's just not, it's not because they're not going to have the choking and the dad's going to be all weird. He's not going to be shaped like a, so it's this, they're not gonna have the choking and the dad's gonna be all weird. He's not gonna be shaped like a, so it's this, the intensity of this,

uh, of this, whatever theme is cannot translate. And the thing about anime is it's so the ideas in it and anime itself is so gay. Okay. That you can't make it real. Cause as soon as it's real life then it's like super gay oh god what was the what did he say what did he just say about his hair like that

yeah why is his hair like that it just can't translate like that what's the same with Garfield kicking a dog? You can't make that real. You can't make a real dog. Yeah, but an anime is so gay. So gay. Yeah. It can't be. You make it real and you're like, oh, God. Now I see.

It's like a rave when you turn all the lights on. Maybe they're not leaning into it enough. Maybe they need to make it even gayer. No? No. Can't. It can't be any gayer. Like fun gay.

Not like this new woke gay. No. That's. It can't be any gay. Like fun gay. Not like this new woke gay. No. That's why. Yeah. So I'm sorry to break that to you. You know what movie I've never seen? Speed Racer. Somebody told me Speed Racer holds up.

That's why Mario Brothers, the original movie. Yeah. With the Bob Hoskins. Bob Hoskins. Is as good as it gets. Leguizamo. Did you see that when you were a kid? In theaters?

Not in theaters. I saw it after the fact. I did. I saw it in theaters. And I remember walking out going, that was awesome. Yeah. They did like a whole, they explained like a lot of stuff. They explained a lot of stuff.

I mean, because what are you working from, really? Yeah. There's some mushroom people. There's some dinosaurs and shit. That's cool. So that's what happens when mushrooms evolve to people. All right.

Cool. I would really like to hear what Miyamoto thinks about that movie now. Probably hates it. Probably. But that's the best you could do.

It was, I think if you're going to take it, you got to, you got to spin it and make it its own thing. Did you ever see Edge of Tomorrow?

What's that? That's the one where Tom Cruise keeps Fighting aliens And he keeps waking up Well that was okay Yeah so that's based On an anime But they completely

Changed like 90% of it And just kind of took The core concept And you're like Alright well That's kind of interesting They didn't need like Spike to have a suit

That looked exactly The same Unwearable Yeah They didn't need to make his hair like this fucking gravity defying fucking thing yeah like I caught watching the cartoon I was like it was communicated to me that he

wears a suit kind of sloppily and like it gets a little disheveled like you have some sort of you have some sort of a suit that never changes in any way I've never seen so I don't know what to make of that. He should have just had

like a dirty, shitty suit for the TV show. Like a black one. Yeah. You know, like if Homer, it could be a deep blue suit,

it could be a navy suit, whatever. A normal suit color. Like if you would, like if they adapted the Simpsons anime and they had a guy and then Homer was wearing

the same bloop of pants. Yeah. It would be very one big string of hair across his head yeah he'd go i don't know about this like they're a real life sure you could do a little better than what you did just spikes yeah yeah it'd be a little off um but it was the hour thing that killed it it's not the same show it's yeah it used to be so tight and now i'm just like bored okay well so what are those what are our problems our problems are starting with dick was um no you're probably i know you had to stay using credit card credit

card trials credit card trials credit card well don't call it credit card trials. Credit card trials. Credit card trials. Credit card. Well, don't call it credit card trials because it sounds like it's a trial of a credit card. What the fuck is that? It's when you like... Trial a credit card? Can't you sign it? You know, like when you sign up for a card at a store and then you get rid of it because you're not going to use it.

You call that a credit card trial? I don't know what you fucking call it. When they're like, we'll give you 20% off if you sign up for our credit card credit card okay and then you like fucking never use it and you're like that's called a credit card trial i don't know what you fucking try call it a credit card trial then free trial credit card card trial trial card free trial credit card required yeah that's what we'll call it free trial record free trial credit card required yours next one was seth rogan seth rogan biggest problem ever you said seth fucking rogan i said fucking rogan i don't put it in mine was testicle torsion i believe the technical term is testicular torsion tests not testicular testicular torsion you've watched Venture Brothers right yeah

do a whole episode on that oh yeah oh yeah you didn't think anytime I think of testicular torsion I think of that episode because that's the first time

I ever heard of it no I've thought about it my whole life I'm terrified of it when did you become aware of it right when I how do you not look at them

what I never looked at my balls and said I wonder if these could get twisted around I had to learn how I don't know man do yours hang Look at them. What? I never looked at my balls and said, I wonder if these could get twisted around. I had to learn. I don't know, man. Do yours hang super low and they're like knocking around down there?

I don't know. They're pretty big. Okay. Maybe that's it. Okay. Maybe my balls aren't big enough to worry about them twisting around each other. What was your last one?

Anime. Live action. Anime. Anime adaptations. You can just put live action anime I guess anime oh okay we'll see all right everybody go to go to biggest problem

not show to vote patreon.com slash biggest problem we'll probably do a bonus episode next week there's a bonus episode yes let's do some voicemails I didn't pull them up in advance so I have to either talk now or edit it out later.

Wow, a lot of voicemails, too. Yeah. Here we go. Thank fucking God you guys brought in Funko Pops. There's nothing in this world that infuriates me more than the Funko Pops in my goddamn house that my girlfriend puts up on bookshelves. Oh, no. On fucking bookshelves on shelves on fucking windowsills. They look shitty.

They make your house look tacky. They make it look like a children's flavor. It's just complete shit. And I'm sick of them being around. I'm not gonna lie, man. If I walk into somebody's house and they got Funko Pops on all the shelves, I go mmm.

Don't know about this guy. Just take him. Take your girlfriend's Funko Pops On all the shelves I go Don't know about this guy Just take them Take your girlfriend's Funko Pops And fucking trash them Throw them out the window Some people are very attached To their fucking little Plastic Don Draper

I thought you were gonna say To their girlfriend Yeah Why not? Do them a favor Change their lives For the better Who needs all this shit?

Yeah Buy them a better collectible Yeah Hey Dick how's it going I got the biggest problem in the universe For Vito here I think this is a good one This is for me

Drive through Like fast food drive through Sauces that aren't Like little containers that you can actually dip into Like you know where they're like the stupid little ketchup packets fuck ketchup packets okay you don't need those you can't use them

put it in a little little tub so I can dip things into it and not have to like involve a third thing like fuck you and fuck the environment okay you know what I'm talking about, right? Well, yeah, I get it.

Yeah. See you guys later. Some foods are for dunking. Some sauces are for spreading, though. There should be ketchup dunks. Is there not?

They do. They make those, but they're, uh, it's more expensive to make those things, which is why they just jam them in the packet. How much more expensive

could it be? You never know. We're not allowed to have plastic straws anymore, so. Not because they're expensive. Just because some stupid kid ruined it for all of us. Some stupid turtle.

Trying to save a fucking turtle. Okay, here we go. Subdick and Vito. Hi, Sub. My biggest problem is hairy nipples. On women, especially. But it's like, you know we're gonna hook up and you know i love sucking titties so you're gonna show up and i'm gonna pop that thing in my mouth what the

fuck and i'm gonna be flicking around this these four just long dark hairs and just ignore it oh disgusting i am not myself a particularly here-suited man, especially when it comes to the body. I do have long hair. But, I mean, you know, not unnecessary information. You know, 25 little hairs

that go up your happy stripe or those hairs around my nipple, I look like a fucking idiot and I get rid of them before I hook up with someone and for a woman to not wait he shaves his own nipples is she sucking on his nipples

next time I'm gonna fucking grab one of those things in my teeth and just yank it out oh god maybe that will give you a hint that you need to shave your nipples huge problem not shave pull it out how much hair do you have on your tits you dumb bitch We'll give you a hint That you need to shave your nipples That's a huge problem Not shave Pull it out

The fuck How much hair do you have On your tits you dumb bitch I have never encountered This problem Um Never encounter a hairy tit lady Hairy

Hairy nipple Not in real life But there's this There's this porno That I always I always think about From time to time Do you have any pornos

That you think about From time to time Potentially I guess Good and bad. Yeah, yeah. This isn't even not necessarily a bad one. I just remembered her name. It was a Tyra Moore picture. She has huge tits.

And they were like filming her playing with her tits and stuff. Yeah. I noticed as I was watching it, she had a giant hair on one of her tits I was like oh boy I was about to pop off but then they did a cut They did a quick cut and the hair was suddenly gone So somebody figured it out

They must have stopped the recording Whoa whoa whoa whoa Hold on here But then they didn't bother to go re-record her Just taking her bikini top off These guys are on a tight schedule Dick They're shooting like 10 of those a day

It was so gross I could never get it out of my mind The big uh Titty hair Yeah Stop masturbating Just one I'm gonna look at porn now

And see if anybody's got titty hair I've never really I always Fucking throw up dude I don't see it too often I guess I'm not paying close enough Okay here we go hey guys

hi the biggest problem in the universe is fucking nightmares oh my god they hold you in your sleep and there's nothing you can do about it nothing you can do about it no shit

sweaty heart pounding And shit Feel like a pussy Fucking worst Steven Wright Calling from beyond the grave I'm going back to sleep He's the worst You ever have like

Really scary nightmares All the time Really Yeah I hate it The only thing I ever hated Was a What do they call it

Night What's the one where Paralysis Yeah sleep paralysis You can't move That's the one where you get- Paralysis. Yeah, sleep paralysis. You can't move. That's the freakiest shit in the world. Yeah, and there's like a demon in the room. That's the only time that I'm like, true terror.

I have had some that, you know, my nightmares are like natural disaster related. Oh yeah, like global warming? Yeah, global warming. I'm really, I'm like, oh no, it's getting so hot. Oh no, like my house like caving in because of an earthquake. I'm like, oh no, it's getting so hot. Oh no. No, like my house caving in because of an earthquake. I have a lot of earthquakes. Yeah.

Me just looking up at the ceiling as it's breaking apart. I'm like, well, this is how I fucking die. I'm going to get buried under rubble and die. You don't go run for the door or anything? I'm just in bed at that point. Well, that's it. It's happening quickly. Your dreams are supposed to prepare you for real life. Okay, well, if it was happening in real life, I would hopefully have a warning that it's happening your dreams are supposed to prepare you for real life

okay well if it was happening in real life i would hopefully have a warning that it's happening of an earthquake well you're on twitter it's gonna go up there's an earthquake wake up to watching my you know fucking ceiling coming down at me i don't have enough time to react according to to your dreams, you're just going to lay there and go, oh, well. I feel like. You got to get up. Okay. Keep fighting.

Next time. I mean, I'm hoping that I, you know, the rubble doesn't encase me and I can maybe crawl my way out. I usually wake up at that point. You got to run for the door. Okay. Well, I'll tell my fucking nightmare self to run from the earth. I'm telling you. Sure.

It's supposed to be your reaction in the dreamland, too. I think my reaction in real life would differ from my reaction in dreamland. That's the point. Oh, my God. That stupid sleep paralysis. I've told my girlfriend a thousand times, if you hear me make a noise. Wake me up. Wake me up.

No matter if it's going like, something small, anything. Yeah. Just wake me the fuck up. And every fucking time it happens to me, I'm like, something small, anything. Yeah. Just waking the fuck up. And every fucking time it happens to me, I'm like, you know, because you're always trying to scream and get like. Oh, yeah, yeah. The wordless scream. Ray Charles.

And you can get out. Like, I can tell I'm getting something out. And I'm like, ah, you dumb bitch. Help me. Ah, damn it. Help me. Ah. Yeah.

Every fucking time. It drives me insane. And then I'll eventually wake up and go, God damn it. Seethe. That's how they get you. One more? What's that last one? Oh, okay.

We'll do that one too. This is Captain of the Starship Enterprise, James Tiberius Kirk, wanting to know, Vito, when you're going to bring in the real biggest problem in the universe, which everybody knows is the star wars fan base and overpaying for hotels oh i was thinking about bringing that was james kirk yeah why is james kirk talking about star wars why does he why does he sound like that i think he sounds he's trying to do like a some sort of character i don't know what it might be okay the terrible recurring bit uh what were you talking about? The $6,000

Star Wars hotel. I might bring that in as a problem. Not the hotel in particular. Well, yeah, they're doing a it's $6,000 for two nights in the Star Wars Interactive Experience Hotel. Go watch the video on my new YouTube channel, Vito2. Oh, no, it's

actually on my old channel. Star Wars is not that good. No, not now. Now it's a whole different Actually on my old channel Just not that good no not now now it's A whole different I mean never was that Good like it used to have little toys Like bomb bomb bomb I am Darth Vader I mean I guess it was always kind of For kids but now it's just like nerfed The fuck up it's like yeah you used to

Have Greedo you know getting shot in the Face and whatever the fuck else and now It's like, yeah, you used to have Greedo, you know, getting shot in the face and whatever the fuck else. And now it's just kind of like, no, it's about a magic adventure. Kyle Rittenhouse. Yeah. I want Rittenhouse to go to space. Okay, last one. Veto file. Here we go. Hey, boys.

It's your boy, Crippled Jesus' ex-roommate, Paraplegic Muhammad. I'm catching up on the pod and, uh, come on the veto files no one wants to be called something that liberal look a more aggressive title like the veto namiz yeah the veto namiz all right call me back i think veto files works a little bit like the you know like vietnamese i think that's what he's going for the whole call was a pun I think veto files works a little bit better. Like Vietnamese? I think that's what he's going for.

The whole call was a pun? Yeah. There's not any puns that it's one better than the other pun. They're all equally as good. Okay, here you go. Here's the part where I struggle to read your low resolution monitor. Is this flip and dip? For $5, it said Speed Racer actually kicked ass.

Dick has made the font smaller. I don't know how to make it bigger now. It's control plus. What are you doing? Oh, because the minus sign has been glued down by beer. That's why that happened. Oh, that explains a lot, actually. Oh, wait.

Has that been fucking up your thing? All the minuses? Yeah, yeah, yeah. There. That'll make sense. Whoa. That's good. Just scroll down a little bit

okay flip and dip for five says Speed Raker actually kicked ass I normally hate every single adaptation

but Speed Racer went full gay like Vito described I think that's what you have to do is you gotta just embrace the fucking colorful nightmare and have fun with it

Titanic for two dollars thank you very much Titanic just said hi. The Vito Banditos, that guy says. The Vito Banditos.

I like Vito Files. I like Vito Files. You got to change it on the, on the Patreon. Well, I thought I did. Maybe you did. I did.

I think I did. Once again, I want to plug my new channel, Vito 2. Great. YouTube. What are you doing on there? Official URL yet. doing daily uh like

news and stuff today i talked about that michigan shooter his parents are on the run okay so school shooting school shootings of course exciting uh what else did i talk about dave chappelle did a thing okay uh oh and seth rogan i talked about Seth Rogen. I talked about Seth Rogen. Continue the conversation at Vito 2. Do like a classic Vito rant. You're going to want to hang out on Vito 2. All right, everybody. Goodbye. Bye-bye.