The Biggest Problem in the Universe - Episode 21 - Bob Ross Initiates the Goss

Episode Date: December 20, 2021

Dead Celebrity Endorsements, Initiating the Conversation, Craigslist Complainers, Kid Chirstmas Pageants

No banter at all? No banter. Biggest problem in the universe. Welcome to the biggest problem in the universe. The only show that ranks every problem in the universe from blaming the whites to civil rights. And you having too many of them. I'm your host, Dick Masheson. Join me as always, Fito Giswaldi.

Hi, Dick. How are you? Hey, what's up, buddy? I'm great. How are you? I'm doing pretty good. Friday at noon. This is prime time. Friday at noon.

Well, as I said, I have an important engagement tonight, so we're doing the show a little early. Oh, man. You want to talk about your important engagement? My important engagement is I need to go home And play my new analog pocket No, that's not true I actually have to do something

Can I see it? Have you not seen this yet? Can I just take a look at it? I've been waiting over a year for this thing Look at the beauty Playing Mega Man 2? Look at the beauty of that thing uh it looks great so it's a video game playing machine that's just better than the old it's like

having the old one yeah but it runs it all perfectly and look you can change it's big so you could hurt your wrists if you hold it for too long no look at how you can change the display oh to be like a regular game boy a game boy pocket okay it runs all the things and uh it will have adapters to play the game gear to play the neo geo pocket do you ever have a feeling do you ever have a feeling that you won't have enough days remaining in your life for playing all the video games of course okay when i look at my video game collection i i literally i i have some sort of anxiety where i go oh i can't play all these that's how i feel about pornography yeah there's like there's something there became a point in my

life where i was like i got through all the pornography that i could today but they're still generating more pornography i can never catch up well it's kind of weird to think because there was a point in time where you could have read or you know not books but i feel like there was probably a guy with books well i'm saying you know now we've moved past books but like there's a point in time where you probably could have watched every movie and you could have well past that point yeah like i'd be waiting for the marquis de sade to write some pornography for years then he's come out with another one oh thank christ i can beat off again i always wonder what it's going to be like in like 2 000 years when it's just like

what do you what do you choose what media do you choose to consume at that point it'll be made on the fly because you could say i just want to buy a computer say i just want to watch movies from you know the years 1950 through 2150 yeah and fill a whole life with just that but it will be it will be movies created that could that you think are that era yeah like how that look what they take from us took from us is just like white supremacist advertising like a coke ad that like that didn't exist that was an ad that coke made and now they're reselling it to you so when you do that in the 100 years from now the computer will make up like everyone in front of like an arby's pyramid shitting horsey sauce in each other's mouths

That's what it was like back then And the COVID stomping around I mean you're gonna have access to Literally any historical figure You'll be like You wanna go check out their YouTube page And see all the videos they made when they were 12 Like Hitler?

Yeah You're gonna be able to check out Hitler's YouTube Well like Hitler 2 you mean Yeah whatever the next Hitler is We're gonna have his you know Kamala Harris Live journal and everything else.

Kamala Harris. Sure. Okay. Last week. You ready for the. Oh, I'm ready, Dick. This is a bullshit. This is bullshit because you can't.

You're. Okay. What? The white supremacy scapegoat. I win. I win. Just because so many. I'll let it drop.

It's fine. It's a studio. It's a studio. Yeah. Vito's got. Vito's. I got so excited. I knocked a microphone over. This is what you say in the winner's circle. You say, act like fine It's his studio Yeah Vito's got Vito's I got so excited I knocked a microphone over

This is what you say In the winner's circle You say act like you've been here before Vito Yeah Alright You don't need to Thank you

You don't need to embarrass yourself Knocking over microphone stands Alright Just another Just another day Just the tip of the hat Yeah Tip of the hat

Just another day Tip of the hat Yeah the classic That's the golf thing right Just take a hole in one You tip the hat You tip the hat Oh there you go classic. That's the golf thing, right? You take a hole in one, you tip the hat. You get the hat. There you go.

They should take their dicks out. That should be. They should piss in the hole on the ball to mark. Yeah. Now everyone else has to fuck with my piss while

they're getting. Now everyone has to dip their hands in my piss to get their ball out. Right? Well, fill it up. If you didn't want to do it, if you take your own

hole in one, you don't have to touch the piss hole, but you didn't. So you have to touch it. There's just so many ways golf can be better. If you shake your own hole in one, you don't have to touch the piss hole. But you didn't, so you have to touch it. There's just so many ways golf can be better. Have you ever played shotgun golf? No. One person is the golfer, and they endeavor to hit it as far down the range as they can.

And the other person has a shotgun. Right. And they attempt to shoot the ball out of the air to nullify your points. Yeah. Yeah. That's pretty good. So you add it up. Yeah. You drive it 300 yards. How hard is it to shoot a moving golf ball out of the air? Let's go try it you add it up yeah you drive it 300 yards how hard is it to

shoot a moving golf ball out of the air let's go try it out yeah let's do it so the point is i won congratulations thank you very much civil asset forfeiture came in second it's a close second unwarranted self-importance yeah i mean after which unbelievable that's not number one. All right. Did I not sell that hard enough? I would know nothing about unwarranted self-importance as I celebrate my win in a meaningless podcast. Anti-anti-Israel boycotts came in last. Yeah, I think people did not understand

what a threat it poses to their speech. I think your, what do you call your fans, People did not understand what a threat it poses to their speech. I think your, what do you call your fans? The American X, the American history Xers. Is that what you call your fans? The veto files? Is that what you're saying? Oh, the veto files. They didn't come in.

They didn't come through for you on the vote. The veto files didn't come in. They did on the top one. Because those guys like to handle things in the streets. Yeah. Right? They like to get it done. Benjamin Swearingen said, back during the Civil Army,

my family sold all of our assets and fled west. The Civil Army? Or the Civil War. Civil War. Then got stopped by Union troops who took all of our cash. Seems like Civil Asset Force

has been around for a while. Go Union. Dick Waggles says, Ben and Jerry's is tear trash gimmick ice cream that isn't even half as good as Kroger store brand. Is that true? I don't get ice cream everywhere.

I did get some ice cream recently, and it was like, I don't know. I just picked whatever, and it was fine. What are you, a savory man? Carbs man? What do you like? Yeah, I think the texture of ice cream, I'm like. Too much like semen for you? I like a cakey.

I like something that's not gonna the melting aspect of it is weird you don't like it melting in your mouth how long are you holding the ice cream in your mouth you know what i got i got some frozen bananas recently and that was good were they cut first or did you just go to town on one frozen single banana they're individually wrapped chocolate covered bananas they're delightful chocolate why didn't you say so yeah what about a pickle you ever get down on a pickle in a bag no i never i'm not i'm not a big individually wrapped chocolate covered bananas. They're delightful. Chocolate? Why didn't you say so? Yeah. What about a pickle? You ever get down on a pickle in a bag?

No, I never. I'm not a big pickle guy. Oh, man. I'll eat two of those at a time. Bring me to Disneyland. That's all I do at Disneyland is eat pickles like they're cocks. Are pickles big at Disneyland? No, you can find them.

Yeah. In Cars Land. Cars Land is big where they get the pickle. Mm-hmm. I know that Disneyland, the food is like a whole thing. You know, I've never been to any Disney park. Don't go. Yeah.

It's a nightmare. Well, I might go to one for a thing. You're going to make fun of the Star Wars. I might make fun of the Star Wars Hotel. I think they're going to kick me out after like 10 seconds. Nah. Did I talk about on the show? I've been making videos about the new Star Wars hotel and making bank.

You're making bank? I'm getting like tons of views because everybody wants to hear about how shitty this hotel is. Because Turkey Tom told you to do shit videos out. Yeah, it's just Turkey Tom told me to do big shit. So now you're just shitting shit videos. And it works. Thank you, Turkey Tom. Well, when that kid tells me, he's like, I'm making $10,000 a month.

I'm like, how the fuck is Turkey Tom making $10,000? Turkey Tom doesn't talk like that. I don't forget what he sounded like. Like, hi, I'm making $10,000 a month. I'm like, how the fuck is Turkey Tom making $10,000? Turkey Tom doesn't talk like that. I don't forget what he sounded like. Like, hi, I'm Turkey Tom. You didn't think he would talk like that, but he does. Yeah, I don't think he's making 10K, but he's making something. What are you, the IRS listening to this show now? You want to out him like that?

I don't know. I talked to a vice editor. They were looking for somebody to write an article about Disney jail. It was like 10 years ago I said I'll go to Disney Jail Did you go to Oh you tried to get into Disney Jail And he's like no

I can't I can't have it look like You actually did any crimes Cause I was just gonna shoplift Until I got caught And then sent to Disney Jail Yeah Right

Yeah And they said no no no We can't do anything like that You can't do anything like that Yeah why not What are they talking about I'm making it all up Don't

He's like well then No one would read it oh my god okay go kill yourself that's boring yeah you gotta get you could probably find a different way to get in there without breaking the law like fingering like y'all goofy's gay he's gay look at this gay ass then they take you to jisney that's gay day yeah so my uncle my uncle who's uh He was in the Navy He's not gay Well I mean He has a family Well I mean If he was in the Navy

He took his family To go to Disneyland Yeah And they happened to go On gay day Yeah How was that though? And they were wearing red

And it was the gay thing Was cause AIDS Was to wear red So they fit right in Yeah Were the kids like Weirded out Did the kids even notice?

They thought it was funny. Yeah, because the kids were like old enough. So Disney gave them a whole bunch of stuff. What, to the family? Yeah, Disney gave them shirts that said, I'm queer. And to the son, it said, get used to it. To my uncle, they gave MAP. MAP, and they told him it stood for Mad About Pluto.

Yeah. The dog. Right. Because of how confusing it is that he About Pluto. Yeah. The dog. Right. Because of how confusing it is that he's a dog and Goofy is as well. Map is Minor Attracted Person. Minor Attracted Person, yes. Ninja Huggin' Muffin says, am I freaking out or are you doing something to make Vito's head that big? Yeah, I was confused by that statement.

I think I just have a giant head. You do have a big head. I have a big head. Green Man says, Vito, I was confused by that statement. I think I just have a giant head. You do have a big head. I have a big head. Green Man says, Vito, I love your videos. I watch almost everything you make. Wow. Is that a joke? Right?

It should be. There's the setup. This is usually the setup, too, and you're a piece of shit. But please don't give up on your long-form content. Oh. Did you leave this? No, is that on one of our, that was on one of the show shows? Mm-hmm. Please don't give up on your long form content. Oh. Did you leave this? No. Is that on one of our...

That was on one of the show shows? I have a long form video I've been working on, but they're just a pain in the ass. And again, I spend an hour ranting about the Star Wars Hotel and YouTube sends $500 to my house. So what the fuck am I supposed to do? It's a weird balance. Let's see. Here's one.

Not Smoke says they turned bob ross into a funko pop what do you think about this one i think you need to save that for later oh oh sorry dick well go ahead then do your problem my problem dick is dead celebrity endorsements spoiled with this goddamn reader note i don't want to get last again yeah yeah well i mean the cat's out of the bag dick why don't we take a look bring it up sorry i mean this relates back to a previous problem in the show was funko pops and the funko pop company has now gone a little bit too far with the bob ross virtual nft what's too far with the Bob Ross virtual NFT Funko Pop. What's too far about that? Let's go scroll up.

What did they say about it? Bob Ross' legacy of creating and investing in the art of painting. What the hell does that mean? Was the man a big art investor? Our values that both Funko artists and fans believe in, we're excited to offer.

Are they trying to slide in that this is like an investment for you? Yes. The Funko Pop? Like you should buy this collectible because we're not like, it's like coded language to say like, this is an investment opportunity. Wait, is it an NFT too? It's an NFT, yeah.

Oh Christ, no. It's a Bob Ross Digital Funko Pop NFT. Just dig him up and shit on him. You bring up a very good point, however, which is anytime a company tells you something is an investment opportunity, that's when you need to run away. Yeah. Okay?

Because like, especially for collectibles, collectibles as investments only work because they come out of nowhere. It's like nobody thought, you know, coins were going to become a thing or like rare books or whatever else. Yeah. Anything that has been purposefully created to say a collectible collectible that this will be worth more later is 100 always garbage yeah it has to emerge naturally or else it's whatever uh so this this is horrible on so many levels because one it's a funko pop why is waterfall why is there a waterfall coming out of the I think he painted waterfalls

Yeah but they were like still Like he painted nice peaceful Still happy water Not fucking go over in a barrel Harry Houdini It's not Jim and Pam's Wedding waterfall I'm surprised they don't

Poke their little Funko heads Out of there And remember the office Funko Pops Yeah What do you call it On sale for Valentine's Day Because you and your wife's Personalities are entirely Based on this fucking show you pigs that's been off the air for

20 years uh yeah not it's good it is also worth mentioning this is completely against bob ross's aesthetic which was like a calm scene of nature this thing's got like lights screaming across it it's got an iron beams 3d yeah it's got the like star trek what are they light flares going down it yeah what is that scanning for fraud this is the exact opposite of what bob ross would have wanted and that is kind of the problem we have bro what a nightmare what is this gold one doing here that's if you get the rare gold bob ross nft that you collect like a fucking trading card oh god i'm so glad ethereum gas prices are so high so everybody

participating in this gets raped unless you're using like immutable x or something but i hope they're not oh god this is uh and this is not the only one you saw stan lee's putting out nfts too another dead man ah good fuck stan yeah okay either way, I hope he's in hell. Why? For making all this cape shit stuff. It was fun when he did it. He's not the one who made it terrible. It became terrible afterwards.

The fans took it. He knew. He knew. Oh, he was a great old man having fun. Dick, did you know that dead celebrities are making millions every year? Really? By endorsing products that they have no awareness of because they're fucking dead. Like who?

Like Marilyn Monroe, who passed away. Wait, wait, wait. Oh. I don't know why this. Keep going. Test one. Are we good? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'll just use the YouTube version. Marilyn Monroe passed away more than 60 years ago but now has 1.7 million followers on Instagram where she sells jewelry makeup skin cream and a bunch of other shit why do you want a dead woman skin cream what's the jewelry look like

it's stupid it's like fucking diamond garbage like it's got to be bad though because only only fat chicks are buying that jewelry like only the poorest you know what i mean well i don't understand why you would want to buy any product endorsed by somebody who clearly never saw it or would care about it in any way it's like oh like it's you know like marilyn monroe picked it for me beyond the grave this cheap chintzy diamond jewelry bullshit what if it was like Genghis Khan clubs?

What if Easton came out with Genghis Khan bats? I mean, Bill and Ted. You have to use your brain and be like, well, I guess maybe they would like it, and whoever owns their intellectual image clearly believes that they did. Mongolia does.

Probably worse than that is Elvis. He only has 1.2 million Instagram followers. But you can get, of course, his Elvis perfume. Elvis. Here's the good stuff. What decade? Elvis whiskey, rye, and Elvis wine. Elvis was not a drinker.

Quaaludes. Famously. I'm on board with Elvis cocaine and Quaaludes. I want the Elvis cocktail that he was on. He was on like 70 prescription drugs. Right. He was on pills and peanut butter sandwiches, but the man really didn't drink. He wasn't a drinker.

It's like one of the famous parts. He drank Pepsi Cola like exclusively. He drank Pepsi's. But now you can do Elvis whiskey, which he probably would have been like, this is gross. I don't like whiskey. It makes no sense. It's not. Yeah.

Okay. It's bizarre. It's all that white label shit. Yeah. That white label whiskey that they're cranking out. Well, yeah. There's a bunch of these weird fly-by-night alcohol companies. Do people know what that is?

They just make a ton of bourbon. And give it a random name. Yeah. 50 different names. And give it a name. And they say it sometimes like get a distillery on their feet. So when you open your distillery, you start doing your whiskey that takes like 15 years to come out. And then you sell their feet. So while, when you open your distillery, you start doing your whiskey that takes like 15 years to come out

and then you sell their shit. It's like MLM from M. Like it's like, Oh, all right. So you start selling somebody else's whiskey because you haven't aged yours long enough

to be selling it. Yeah, to build up your brand and I really hate it. So are there different, are there the same whiskeys on the market under different names? Oh yeah, tons.

Tons. And do they have to disclose this at all? Like, so you know which is which? I don't think so. Wow. So you'd have to find somebody who knows their liquor. And bro, this is happening in delivery too. So if you order food from a place since the pandemic, they'll supplement their menu with

like tamales or shit that their restaurant doesn't make. And they'll just ship it in from Kitchen United. And then they'll slowly knock shit off their restaurant doesn't make and they'll just ship it in from Kitchen United and then they'll slowly knock shit off their own menu that's just a pain in the ass and they'll just fill it with Kitchen United's so you're just ordering the same shit from everywhere this is so fucking bizarre yeah cause it makes sense

cause how can you have Elvis whiskey cause you can't just like make a whiskey overnight yeah it's all white label so I mean all this stuff is basically a big dumb scam perpetrated on people who don't seem to understand that when a person dies that's it whatever whatever product that emerges later has even less of a tangible connection from when they were accepting like endorsements are already bullshit yeah maybe le Maybe LeBron James actually likes drinking Sprite.

I don't know. But after he's dead, if they come out with LeBron James cranberry Sprite extravaganza juice. Yeah. Like, you can be sure that it has literally nothing to do with LeBron James. He's never tasted it. He has no idea what it is. Yeah. So what is your attachment exactly?

It's basically turning these celebrities. We're turning them into cartoon characters. It's like, oh, it's Mickey Mouse's fucking thing. Because Mickey Mouse, you know, it's an idea. It's not really a person. Who else you got on that list? Well, I have a list of the top 13 earners of dead celebrities. So they have Elvis, like, pants?

Elvis outfits? Dude, I'm sure that's the thing is they have all these products because just some holding company, which I'm sure, yeah, is a bunch of Chinese people buy the rights. What do you call it? Sony's been buying up the rights to everything recently. All the back catalogs of everybody. Yeah. They just bought

what was it? Clapton or Springsteen. They bought his whole back catalog for $500 million. Probably bought all the rights to his stuff anyway. We have the top 13 dead people who are making money. I'll go through them real quick. John Lennon, number 13.

That's a good one. Juice World. I don't know. Was that a Was that a rapper? I believe that was a rapper. See, a lot of these guys are music guys which makes sense. But other than the music guys Why? Oh because you can still sell the songs

So they're making money from the songs So they make new songs Did you know that they do this in authors? Like there are tons of authors that are dead That the publishing companies just keep writing books Under ghost writers for Well they've been doing that with Tom Clancy like crazy He's dead?

Dude Tom Clancy's been dead for like eight years. I've been writing him every time he releases a book I write him and say how much I like I like when you attacked all the you know, the Israeli I've been sending him ideas for books Yeah, no, it'll just say like set in the universe of Tom Clancy's whatever and on

the book it's like Tom Clancy's Jack Ryan as written by Mark Stevenson Yeah, the authors are a big thing. Here's one that is big. Arnold Palmer It's like Tom Clancy's Jack Ryan as written by Mark Stevenson. Yeah. The authors are a big thing. Here's one that is big. Arnold Palmer, the golfer.

The drink? The fucking drink. He's number eight from fucking Arnold Palmer's iced tea lemonade or some shit. Yeah. Dr. Seuss. His rights are just getting traded around like crazy. Charles Scholes. Fucking peanuts. The peanuts are still. He's got a whole airport they named after like crazy. Charles Scholes. Fucking Peanuts.

The Peanuts are still... He's got a whole airport they named after. Yeah, Charles Scholes does. They're still showing up. Yeah, Napa Valley. One of those insurance companies is all the Peanuts characters. You know, does that really make... I hate IP property rights. Like, the meme that everyone defends.

They're like, well, they they need you need to have those otherwise nobody would make anything like why do you think that why do you think that for technology or for like making stupid characters like oh thank god that the snoopy's protected so that nobody could make shitty knockoff plush they oh they do make shit they do make that oh well i mean i don't know there's some i you want ip protections for the little guys why because who's gonna knock off the dick and veto show i don't know what if i make like a cool you know comic character and the next thing i know warner brothers is making the movie because they're allowed to i should get a cut i guess

who would know it better than you though you need If we want to get the Vito character on the big screen, we go to Vito to do it. No, they'll just do it without me. Then they're not going to be a success. No, probably not. They need my expertise. Exactly. Do you know who the number one earner was, though?

This is an interesting one. Who's that? Raul Dahl. Because they sold his entire book back catalog. But, I mean, these things are the back catalog. If it's existing songs, existing properties, books, whatever. But you're right. Now they're just inventing new stuff.

If it's not the Funko Pop, it is, again, fake books by other authors with their name. And they have been taking the music and they'll, like, remix it slightly or, like, make a 4K. It's a 4K re-release of prince's back catalog that's so bad yeah and then it ends up for you on amazon music metallica's like what the fuck it's the same metallica's the best of again yeah and it ends up being like the number one song on on the charts and you're like well that sucks for every artist who's like making new stuff they got to compete with a metallica classic that you changed what you made the bass a little Little lower and you can't tell Yeah no okay music

I don't believe it on TV I just think I want to know more about this I'm gonna get my girlfriend Who was it Marilyn Monroe's Marilyn Monroe's stupid fat jewelry I was watching like some Gay guy some gay historian She was like a size 34

Yeah I think so I was watching some like gay historian talk about her skincare regime and why you need to buy marilyn moreau's special skin cream and i'm like she probably just used whatever was available at the time in the 60s like she probably used piss yeah she probably was one of those nutty broads that thought you should get the first piss of the day and put it all over your face yeah yeah take your uh left over menstrual blood and Who knows? It'll smooth you out.

Yeah, I don't trust. I think now we have like new technology and stuff. You don't want to use anything from the 50s or 60s. None of that shit works. No. There's no new lotion technology. Your husband doesn't like you anymore because you're not interesting. It's got nothing to do with the elasticity of your face.

Or boyfriend. It's also pretty funny to go, well, look at how great her skin was. Yeah, because she died before it could get shitty. Because it's black and white. Yeah, also it's black and white. So I will not be buying the Bob Ross NFT or the Stanley NFT or Elvis's whiskey or any of it. I think we need to, as a society, go when somebody dies, we're going to stop. They're dead.

Yeah. Yeah. of society go when somebody dies we're gonna stop dead yeah yeah if you want to make like elvis whiskey is like a fun joke but we're not gonna like have elvis's instagram go just as the king would have wanted it you don't fucking know what he would have wanted just shut up well it's at least like elvis peanut butter and banana sandwiches that would be fun yeah something connected to the guy make them in Fucking Tupelo Mississippi Graceland Wherever Send him out If you could prove to me

That Bob Ross Loved plastic Trashy knickknacks Then Especially loved the idea Of digitized versions Of them In a hellscape

That he could not Possibly have comprehended Was the internet When did Bob Ross die Didn't he die in like 95 or something So the ARPANET was around Did you watch the

documentary on how badly he got his kids got fucked. I've heard about it. But yeah that's the other thing is that his legacy is fucked. His business partners are

they're the worst people. You want to talk about someone to boycott his business partners fucked him and his kids especially his kids out of so much money. It's ungodly.

It's crazy It's like watching That documentary is like Watching the Muppets get raped Jeez It's like so It's like Such a wholesome brand

Totally destroyed By this soulless corporation But they're still pushing it As wholesome They're still like Look at all this Bob Rosses You're like No it's controlled by you evil maniacs

Cause his kid's such a pussy Yeah It's like dude you gotta You should've been day one. His, everyone around him Yeah. was so either dumb or just like meek.

Yeah. I don't know. I don't know if I can watch that. A quantum leap into that kid. That sounds fucking That's what? Pop some, pop some skulls. Wipe this contract in my fucking ass.

That's tragedy. Okay, what's your? That's mine The dead celebrity Endorsement Dead celebrity endorsements We're gonna do that With you When you're dead

Good Tons of cool stuff's Gonna come out I mean you will Whatever that thing is You will monetize my core If I drop dead A week from now

You would make a t-shirt Out of it Oh god Well not During Christmas Drop dead During a lull in consumerism so i can if i have more money to give away if i die you have to make a puppet of

me and uh incorporate it in any future shows make my co-host talk to the puppet sometimes uh okay good problem good problem a little bit too much celebrity stuff i don't really i mean fuck celebrities who cares you want to buy some jewelry celebrity stuff. I don't really, I mean, fuck celebrities. Who cares? You want to buy some jewelry? Some people do. I don't know why. Buy a Bob Ross Funko Pop. No big deal.

What are we? They're dead, right? Yeah, I guess. Like Diogenes said, right? So throw me over the wall. Well, wolves are going to eat you and make Funko Pops out of you. He goes, well, give me a stick so I can fend them off. How are you going to fend off the Funko Pops when you're dead?

He goes, exactly. What do I care if they make make funko pops and shit when i'm dead right jewelry dress me up in all the tacky jewelry so i'm saying not a problem i think it's a problem for society that we we can't just find new things and we cling forever to the bones of the dead like jesus uh yeah yeah kind of like jesus okay kind of just let that guy go here's my problem kids to the bones of the dead. Like Jesus. Yeah. Yeah. Kind of like Jesus. Okay. Kind of just let that guy go. Here's my problem.

Kids' Christmas pageants. Where's my ding? Oh, there it is. My nephews had a Christmas pageant. I'm surprised they still have those. What, are you serious? Yeah. Why?

I don't know. My school never had christmas pageants you went to some kind of weird lesbian school yeah you know yeah it was for hippies uh is it christmas or is it holiday it's holidays no no there's this christmas is this a catholic school yeah um so i didn't go because my dog was having her first birthday on the same day. So I can't go to your, that's cheating. I can't go to your thing. Cause we're having a birthday for the dog on that day.

So I'm going to have to miss the pageant. Oh, my sister goes, well, I told you what day it was like a month ago. I, and she sold me the text. I'm like, I mean, you didn't need to prove that you said to me i believe you i just didn't put it in my calendar as it turns out he goes well the boys are going to be very disappointed he said why why would they why would they have the expectation that i would number one be there why does why was this event created only to sow discord and disappointment that does nothing but aggrandizes whatever establishment happens to be putting it on? Why is the forced, mandatory, expected, and praised participation in an advertisement being used only to harm?

There's no good outcome of this. It's either you go and everyone's, look around at the Christmas pageant, everyone's miserable. It's either you go and you're miserable or you don't go and they're miserable. The kids are in there. The kids across the country

and around the civilized world are singing Christmas hymns in masks right now. Oh, no. Blast like this because they don't want to spread COVID to their young parents who are not at risk, right? Yeah. Grandma and grandpa either died or stuck in a COVID-safe nursing home, but the children are stuck in masks singing in a cheap advertisement

for God or church or school or whatever they happen to be performing in. And it's my fault for not going. I'm the asshole. I, uh... This was the text that I responded. You want to know why the episode's late? This is what I'm doing.

Delete, delete, delete, delete, delete, delete. Why would they disappoint? Why would they be disappointed that I'm missing this it should be number one it should be expected yeah were they genuinely disappointed do you think i mean if uncle dick's not here they can read emotions yeah so how was the news delivered oh guy was it oh dick's not coming obviously we i mean we all obviously knew he wasn't coming, right? Or was it, gotta tell you, I know you're going to be disappointed. Your uncle doesn't truly love you. Well, you could be doing anything instead of singing songs through a mask.

You could be learning about NFTs. You could be playing video games. How about we have the Christmas pageant in Minecraft, folks? Why don't we all meet virtually and watch the kids do a Christmas pageant in fucking Minecraft? Oh, you don't like that idea. Why is that? Why do you have to do this stupid boomer version? Did they get it on video so you can watch it later?

Oh, I was assured there would be video. There you go. So I would have the opportunity. And I'm sure I can't watch it on my own. No, they're going to bring it over. I'll take this. It'll be, why don't you have a seat? Yeah.

You want a drink? You get one drink for every hour that you watch the Christmas pageant. Let's get everyone in here. It's emotional terrorism. They're holding you hostage. It is. And you know, I looked it up where the Christmas pageant came from. First of all, if you're some kind of a religious organization that's spending money doing Christmas pageants instead of feeding homeless people, burn in hell.

That's a good point. I can see that. That's an easy one. That's low-hanging fruit. I'm interested to learn where the idea of the pageant came from. What did I tell you? What did I say at the very beginning? Fucking ad, right?

Guess what? Well, it's an ad for Christianity, right? One, here it is. An antecedent to our Christmas pageants were the medieval mystery plays, which showcased biblical stories for largely illiterate audiences. So like cigarette ads. They're advertising to stupid people. Like here, you guys can't,

you can't read the Bible, so we're going to act it out. So you real, you know, so you get it. The mystery plays were much more sweeping, starting with the creation and ending with the final judgment, and were acted out by adult members of guilds

who performed them on platforms set up around the town uh so there's striking similarities between mystery something guilds would take ownership and were very competitive about it guilds you know talking about blacksmithing carpentering felching stuff like that um the medieval pageants could also get costly with guilds pouring in money because it was worthwhile as an early form of advertising. For their carpentry business? Uh-huh. Yeah.

Check it out. We're the fucking Baxter Felchers. Look at our God. We'll get it while we're... And they're like, we're the fucking Brown Felchers over here. Come to our feltury. That's with arrows. Is that what feltures did?

Did they make arrows? Yeah. Okay. You didn't know that? I heard the term felture. I forgot. I'm like, I know it's some fucking medieval thing. Use it as much as possible today.

Yeah. While you're going around. The word of the day is feltury. Yeah. The crafting of arrows. So here's another. I brought in the stats too. So if it's,

this is about how to, how to ease the, the disappointment in your child for not getting a good role. And the Christmas. All right. Yeah. Because that child is untalented. Well, to whom?

Untalented at what? Yeah. Untalented at this retarded uh mockery of stagecraft yeah what is this

what's your what's what is the what is the motivation that king balthasar has for lying to this 14 year old girl

who was just raped by a 30 year old and I don't think they do that one in the Christmas play I think they leave out the uh the more rapey stories of the bible i'm so fucking sick of the bible i'm only 41 and i'm so

fucking sick of it of the bible yeah all of it yeah there is a that's a problem to bring in someday um so oh yeah so why are we building kids up to already get kicked around yeah how do how do I let my child down? Do I tell them, hey, this is a survey. You tried your best. How much the roles made in salary over their lifetimes. Salary when? Like currently?

Yeah. Wait, who's playing these roles? No, no, no, no, no. This is what they made, what the roles made when they were grownups. They tracked it okay oh based on who you played in the play yeah your salary as an adult yes on who you played in the christmas yeah do you want to hear the top that's fascinating yeah hit me ox was number one so you were an ox are there ox just like you know you're an animal Shut up Is that what it is Yeah Alright This is a thing That you're going

And wasting everybody's time Are they doing the nativity Or something They do all kinds of places They just do random Biblical stuff Angel Gabriel was number two So wait the ox made the most

Or the least The ox made the most So the most The biggest salary Was the kids that couldn't be bothered And they ended up playing the ox Yeah And then Mary Qu quote unquote, Virgin Mary.

Okay. Was the third one. So Angel Gabriel, the number two. The retail industry was a common career path of that one. The lowest one was the lamb. Made 20,000 a year. The actual lamb or the lamb of God? Just lamb.

It's the lamb. Yeah. Looking over at Jesus. There you go christmas well i look forward to you watching that video and reporting to me in great detail about what your nephew's knocked it out of the park i couldn't even believe such a thing was said to me well we're getting the dvds yeah you gotta get the dvd hey what up it's nuts do you know what roles they played baltazar one of One of them was King Balthazar. That's pretty big.

That's a big deal. You got to watch that. I'm trying to fuck with him too. What's he all about? Tell me about this guy. Jesus? Really? What did he do?

That makes sense. Sounds like a troublemaker. Was King Balthazar the king who forced Jesus out? I don't know. I don't know anything about it. I don't know i don't know anything i don't know anything i know as much about god as i do about uh crystals because they're the same yeah so quartz christ i don't know they're all they're all good somebody right now is furiously writing a comment about how important king of balthazar is quartz is king that's my motto quartz is king it's king yeah the land of the mineral go ahead quartz is

king my problem dick are craigslist complainers oh god the holiday season it's a perfect time for me to unload some of my back stock the stuff that's been sitting around and the hassle of it makes me want to take it all and just throw it in a dumpster and light it on fire yeah this is a nightmare you go on these sites there's numerous sites craigslist now facebook does it what about offer up offer up i've been using very good and you get these people who don't seem to understand that just because you're selling them like an 80 nintendo that uh this is not like a professional business relationship where you owe them something I had like a guy

he's like hey are you selling that thing I have a dog right now attacking every part of me hey Maddie you have me all tied up you crazy puppy get out of here okay so he's like do you got that Nintendo I'm like yes I do and he sends me a message he's like alright do you got that Nintendo? I'm like, yes, I do. And he sends me a message.

He's like, all right, well, I'm going to be in the area between 11 and 1130. I'm going to be wearing this. I need you to contact me right now. This is the guy? The buyer? Yeah, this is the buyer. I miss his message. For $80?

And then I go back and I check, and there's like 100 messages telling me, you know what, man? You really got to be on top of answering these messages. I could have picked that out today. If you were there right now, I don't understand this unprofessionalism. And I'm like, yeah, I don't messages. I could have picked that out today. If you were there right now, I don't understand this unprofessionalism. And I'm like, yeah, I don't know. I guess my like kill yourself.

I guess my right. I guess my notifications weren't working. I'm sorry that I like literally giving me a lecture on what a horrible seller I am that I didn't give back to him on time. And, you know, I didn't get him extra pictures of the thing for him to look at. And every time I sell things, I have this same. It's all crazy people who buy stuff on these websites. I don't understand what it is. I'm like, can you have like some realistic expectations about the fact that you're basically

buying shit off the back of a van except online? Like, can you go into that transaction without expecting like, this is the Nordstrom sales office and you can speak to my manager it doesn't work like that i have a guy i had another guy this was like a year ago i saw him in nintendo right and he sends me a message he goes i got home this is not original i'm like what do you mean it's not original he's like this is not original nintendo how much was this for him fifty dollars okay and he goes you see this and i'm like the power brick that plugs into the wall he goes this is well those are never original what do you you don't want an original one the original ones weigh like 50 pounds like yeah that's a brand new aftermarket one so you don't

have to have a giant brick he's like i wanted you told me this was an original nintendo i'm like the nintendo is the fucking cord isn't you psychopath he came back and he like to return it and he locked eyes he was glaring at me the whole time like i was trying to pull something over on him and i'm like bro what the fuck do you want these people are insane uh and again i'm selling them technology from like 1996 and they're like i don't understand it doesn't boot up perfectly every time like can hit the reset button doesn't work yeah yeah well that's another guy was like the reset button does work i'm like well it's a little loose but you also don't need it on a super it's a super nintendo did you try that when you first plugged it in instantly what the fuck

is wrong i saw somebody in your comments going well it is bullshit if you didn't disclose that i thought bro just fucking walk onto the freeway you fucking disclose it disclose it what do you think you're like samsung talking about rounded corners on an app what the fuckway you fucking disclose it disclose it what do you think you're like samsung talking about rounded corners on an app what the fuck are you disclosing it's an $80 super nintendo get fucked i plugged it in i tested it and played donkey kong fine i didn't think like oh this button that's not ever necessary like if you want to reset the uhf work did you try channel four yeah exactly try that i didn't check to make sure it works on like a uhf television like things can go wrong but again this you know you should have said y'all worked it worked when i plugged it in so it must have gotten you must have messed it up somehow

probably fucking resetting it too hard dude that guy with the bro well that's the other thing is i'm like half the time like i think this guy broke it himself i think this guy yeah like instead of pressing the reset button the right way like tried prying up on it and broke it and now he goes like it's broken you broke it and i'm like no dude it's just it works it plays the it plays the game bro explain to them i mean every time i sell anything i know this is just me complaining about nintendo selling but this goes for like any object no i'll give you one uh we sold a bed frame like a headboard yeah and it was like some piece of shit Ikea I just thrown it away Yeah He goes like

Ah yeah let's put it up there And it was It was like 80 bucks And this couple shows up With a hatchback And they're trying to figure out How to put a headboard And all the runners on

That are all like Yeah the length of a bed Yeah the length of a bed Thank you And they're not fitting And I'm like Well my I'm done with this

And the guy The guy looks at me and goes Hey You have a truck. Like, would you put it in your truck and drive it to our house? I said, no. Yeah, yeah. Of course not.

Are you kidding me? Yeah. Well, that's what drove me nuts with this one guy. I'd rather just throw all of you in the trash. Dude, they all try. And then they, like like try to emotionally. They're so emotionally caught up in this. This guy with the broken reset button.

He goes, you know, this really, this was time out of my day to pick it up. Like maybe, maybe you could give me a couple. How much is that worth? Give me a couple of games or something. Yeah. No. He starts asking for like extra games and shit. And I'm like, nah.

Well, this negotiation, it cost me a game of my time. So I tried being like, sorry, man. and shit and i'm like nah like well this negotiation it cost me a game of my time so i tried being like sorry man the reset button not working is not big enough of a i'm like if you want to bring it back bring that's the thing is i'm also like if you want to bring it back bring it back but they give you so much of a i had to drive all the way there and oh my god i was gonna get this for my kid for christmas and i'm like well then keep it it's working like it just has a fucked up reset button you can just pry it open and fix it, probably. Nobody can help themselves.

You get all these low ballers. Anytime I put it in. It's just crazy, dude. Yeah. Like, who would even think about the reset button not working being your fault? Like, the reset button doesn't work. Like, what are you trying to fuck people over Out of their reset button No he really did phrase it like

You tried to fuck me by pawning off I'm like dude I just didn't test the reset button In your world do you want me to just Take it and throw it away Should I put reset button doesn't work And then you wouldn't have bought it What's the solution in your Fucking mind

People are The 99% Or or maybe whatever 50 percent are not poor enough that's what i well because they have money that they're driving going crazy about this i'm like don't you have anything else to worry about in your life that this is so emotionally he shouldn't have had 50 bucks this guy was furious sending me like i could find the text i'm not gonna to bring them up, but it's just like. Find them.

You got to read some of them. Let me see what I can find. It's all this bro. I can't believe it, bro, bro. I'm like, dude,

it's just, it's fine. Send it, send it back. It's got a full warranty, lifetime warranty. Send it back to Nintendo. Here's the address.

Oh my God. Where was this guy? How many of these do you do? No, I don't want to do any more. I's the address. Oh my god, where was this guy? How many of these do you do? I don't want to do any more. I've sold like... I've sold like a... I don't know, like ten of them. But it just keeps getting crazier

and crazier. Okay, here we go. Again, I have like a thousand messages from this guy. They're all nuts. Because first of all, I sent him a picture of from this guy. They're all nuts. Yeah. Because first of all, I sent him a picture of the cord. He's like, will this hook up to an HDTV?

I'm like, well, does your HDTV have the red, yellow, white cord? I don't know, bro. Google it. Right. Fucking Google it. I'm like, it has this cord. And he's like, well, how do I hook it up to this TV specifically? You plug it right up your ass.

Yeah. So then I sent him a picture. I'm like, well, if your TV doesn't have that, you might need this adapter. And he immediately calls me. He goes, are you telling me if i buy this it's not gonna work oh are you telling me if i buy this it's not gonna work tonight and i'm like no i'm telling you that if your tv needs a specific adapter you're gonna need one of these why is the picture fuzzy the the reset button's not working oh my god he's sending me videos of him jamming angrily on the reset button oh let me see that see that. I said, if you want to switch it out, we can.

This is a video of this guy angrily jamming on the... What does that prove? I don't know, man. I was dealing with this. This was a video of me hitting... There's no video of the screen. No, it's just him like angrily jamming on the reset button. I'm like, I don't know, man.

Why don't you just turn it off and turn it on if you want to reset it? It's not that big a deal. And again, you could probably fix it. He's like, I don't know. The. Why don't you just turn it off and turn it on if you want to reset it? It's not that big a deal. And again, you could probably fix it. And he's like, I don't know, the games aren't working perfectly. I'm like, take a Q-tip and whatever. Take a Q-tip and jam it into your ear all the way until it comes out the other side.

He goes, maybe you could swap me some better games to make up for my inconvenience. Tell him, send him this show. Bro. Bro. This is why you are a total piece of shit. You are totally worthless. Send him this show Bro Bro This is why You are a total piece of shit You are totally worthless And this is why

Your attitude Yeah You should have made sure To test the consoles games thoroughly Before heading out Listen man I gave you like five stupid sports games I'm not gonna play

20 minutes of the Like NCAA baseball 95 or whatever You can't even reason with them Like they're They're monsters They're not even real I shouldn't have to do any of that These consoles were handed to me dirty and dusty

I'm not trying to be a nuisance, but I own a business And this is not the way business is conducted It's frustrating I don't clean cars and tell people you should clean your own car Oh, he cleans cars Yeah, he cleans cars for a living He's a car detailer The bugs don't even schedule a bunch of

appointments and cancel them. not knowing 100% the functionality of them. Dude, do you know how many things can go wrong with a Nintendo? You're right.

Like one of the games might not work. One of the bugs. He's probably great at cleaning cars, to be honest. No, he probably, yeah. With his attention to

detail, honestly, if I need my car cleaned, I'm going to this guy. I'm going to this guy because the material is this. Bro, the volume's all different. What the fuck is this? Bro the volume's all different

What the fuck is this the fucking meter's different Going back to the videos you sent me When the console was working all you sent me was the Sega screen Lighting up in the first visuals of Donkey Kong That doesn't determine a fully functioning console Slash game it's my mistake for going on That alone trying Could you please stop wasting my time I'm like

Jesus Christ man you know what just bring it back Just bring it back just throw it away throw it away I'll give you 80 bucks yeah you know what Jesus Christ, man. You know what? Just bring it back. Just bring it back. Just throw it away. Throw it away. I'll give you 80 bucks. Yeah, you know what? Honestly, Connor would be like, you know what? Just keep it and here's the 100 bucks. I don't even care because I don't want to talk to you. Give him a bunch of games that don't work. I should have

went looking for a bunch of games that don't work and just like giving them those or purposely went in and cracked the circuit boards and put a bunch of If I was selling Like a $900 thing Okay but yeah $100 Nintendo You gotta go

Well it's It's kinda working And you know I can I can open it up And clean it out You gotta expect If you buy some Again

If you're buying 25 year old technology There might be a couple kinks You gotta work out Might have a broken reset button You gotta open it up Put it back on the track Replace the spring

Is it going to, it's going to mess up like all of his Donkey Kong Country play. He's going to come back to me just knowing that the reset button. See, I replaced it for him and I know in a month

there's going to be something wrong with it and he's going to go, it stopped working after a month. I'm going to go, you know what, figure it out. Figure it out.

Yeah. I'm trying to find this. Is that your, that's mine. What is it? Secondhand buyers? I said Craigslist complainers. I don't know what you want to call it.

Whatever you want to call it. Craigslist complainers. See, mine was like a pun. Because it's secondhand. Secondhand. Buyers. Buyers. Because they themselves are the secondhand.

I don't think anyone's going to get that. No, they usually don't. Craigslist complainers. Craigslist complainers. Craigslist complainers. Craigslist complainers. My problem, my last problem is something I call, something I have coined called initiating the conversation with women. Right.

Are you familiar with women? I've seen them. I don't talk to them, but I've seen them. Right. Because you can't. Right. Because you can't get, because women are at all times experiencing a fire drill in their brains where they can't wait

for any moment of anything. Woman gets a cup of coffee, she goes from ordering the coffee to immediately on her phone to then getting the coffee and is gone before, gone. In the car doing,

fiddling around with stuff, not gone. In the car f gone in the car, doing fiddling around with stuff, not gone in the car, fiddling with stuff, being upset. There is never a one single moment in a woman's day where it's possible to initiate a conversation with them because it's just one long string of a single action that has never interrupted their whole day. There's no want, not a punctuation Not even an em dash

In their entire day You could have the greatest line And then you spend your entire 20s coming up with the greatest Pick up line ever Which is do you want some cocaine That's a pretty good one Cuts right to the heart of the issue No better line

You're never not going to get a yes on that one. You're never not going to get a reaction. Yeah. No matter what time it is. Never too late. Never too early. Yeah. No place is inappropriate for this line.

Could be a funeral. Could be a bride at her wedding. Yeah. Totally acceptable line to spring on her. Good line. But you can't wait. And then they're talking to each other. I was in Pilates this morning big boobie girl doing her stuff next to me exercise i'm gonna get a

whatever whatever i'm gonna get a line something about those boobies i'm gonna sneak it in you want to prepare my line you want some cocaine immediately starts talking to another one they're just talk talk talk talk talk back and forth, like they're doing a rehearsed play. Like it's an episode of The West Wing. I didn't watch that show, but I saw it getting made fun of by a family guy for doing back and forth like this.

The Aaron Sorkin thing. It's un-fucking-believable that guys are spending all this time trying to figure out the perfect thing to say, but they will never have an opportunity to use it because there is never a single lull in a have an opportunity to use it because there is never

a single lull in a woman's day to bring it in there and get it on them. Do you know what I'm talking about? Yeah, they're just constantly yip-yapping, looking on their phones. It's the biggest problem in the universe. Instagramming. Oh, Instagramming. Taking little selfies of themselves. They've got 26 different things to talk and fiddle around with.

All these trad guys. Where are they going to initiate a conversation with a woman reading the Bible, probably? Sewing dresses, whatever. This has been a problem even since Pilgrim Times. Right, right. Hold on. I'm worshiping the Lord right now, as I am wont to do. This is Jesus's time.

Do you want some? Hold on. I'm in the middle of a prayer. I'm in the middle of a prayer here. Thank you. Always going to be a problem. Yeah. All this other shit.

People are going to be immortal one day. No more problems with that. Woke marketing. One day woke marketing. You keep attacking my number one problem for some reason. Woke marketing. You're going to take it down. Woke marketing is a pretty good problem that might even be considered the biggest problem in the universe based on the voting.

Okay, one day it won't be a problem. One day you will be the woke people and it will be fun. Remember? Yeah. It wasn't all, you know, back when it was like rad to be cool. It's like, check out this extreme mountain dew or playstation one is fucking radical dude like all right that's cool so you think women but women will always be like always be now do you think they do it intentionally or they're just so wrapped up in

themselves i often think about what's wrong with them are they avoiding any outside male interjections i think they have uh i think often think about what's wrong with them. Are they avoiding any outside male interjections? I think they have. I often think about what's wrong with them. What women in general? What women is. I often ponder. That's what's in my orb.

Yeah. Every man has a different orb. What's wrong with these bitches? My orb is, what is wrong with them? What is wrong with them? Women. Yeah. Sometimes I do think that evolutionarily they have evolved to avoid sex at all times

by being constantly busy and running their mouths because they will even cover it. Like, that's why they love talking to each other so much because it's like, oh, the burden of not getting laid. Yeah. I can now share with you. We can both... You can't even tell which one's talking.

Right? The greatest line in the world come by You have to have a rape whistle to talk to women. Where you just go Right? And they go, what was that? And you say, Ha, bitch, gotcha! How you doing? You want some cocaine? Well, maybe that's true. Maybe

you do really have to shock women into Maybe that's where all these rapists come from. They tried earnestly to communicate with women, and they finally realized the only way to interject... Like Elliot Rodgers? Yeah, physical altercation. Maddie, get out of here.

Hi, Maddie. I'm talking about you. Yeah, we were. Get the hell out of here. We were, in a way. That's my problem. Well, I think that's true. I mean, how do you approach women they're very

distracted animals yeah yeah and they get freaked out really they go running like a deer in the headlights god forbid they listen to one joke because then all their clothes will shoot right off that is how it works i can't did you see that thing that meme going around on twitter this is what really made me think about it no i can't i couldn't find you see that thing that meme going around on twitter this is what really made me think about it no i can't i couldn't find it though there was there's these they show pictures of a girl yeah and say what's your opener and there's like thousands of guys like giving their opener opening line and i'm thinking when the fuck is a woman ever looking at you as if you're about to say something funny yeah that is never good what are you preparing all these ridiculous lines for?

Like, they're really putting thought into it. What I would say is a little bit of neg, like they're making a recipe of like social dysfunction. Like, you get a little bit of neg, something on your nose. You got a peacock.

This is what you're going to get. Huh? What? What? What'd you say? Never ever have I ever seen that look of, I'm so interested In this random guy What are you about to

What were you about to say? Hello Never Well that's why you peacock right? Yeah You gotta put on Feathers in your ass Yeah you gotta have like

Weird looking shit on So she goes Why the fuck are you dressed like that? And then you have an opportunity They wouldn't They wouldn't even notice No they wouldn't notice That peacocking shit is so

They'd look over And they'd look right back They wouldn't even look No They might look at their camera they might go like they'll take a picture of themselves look at this fucking weird asshole that i got on tiktok bloop bloop there you go there comes the likes of that this is why men become serial murderers they just wanted a nice conversation then they got to go full elliot roger they complain about how much you talk about crypto but the alternative is to be a serial murderer. Yeah.

So just let us talk about crypto. Just let us talk about... Or we'll murder women. Every crypto enthusiast is a secret woman murderer on an alternate timeline. How's your crypto holding up? Yeah? Oh, you mean because of the dip?

A little bit of a dip. Because of the dip? I don't care about that shit. It's not too much of a dip? A little bit of a dip Because of the dip? I don't care about that shit It's not too much Every time there's a dip, Biden The government just decides to print like trillions I mean, the federal deficit is going to be A hundred trillion dollars in like five years

So, I don't Like, what is the point of the price of Bitcoin? I don't know What is, in a world where the federal deficit is One hundred trillion dollars What's the price of a fucking bitcoin It's not 50 thousand dollars Yeah

We live in a strange strange time Not if you're hodling Like oh yeah keep printing Go for it Oh how much did Raytheon Oh yeah write him a big You could add a zero to that check Why would you write two checks

Just write one big check Just get it all out of the way. And Raytheon needs it. What do you think about my problem? I think that women should be more open

to conversation. Yeah. Yeah. Like a sound. Not a rape whistle. They're so wrapped up in themselves. Yeah.

It's because guys were all, you know, focused on, you know, the women. Women are focused on the women. And that's the problem. Yeah. Yeah. Where we want, you know focused on you know the women women are focused on the women and that's the problem yeah yeah where we want you know uh these lines lines were cali was seeing a thousand what are you guys doing i've never been an opening line guy i'm more uh try mine i'm more a sneak onto your facebook uh friends list and send you a creepy weird message. What are you up to? What have you been doing?

And wait until you're at your absolute lowest. Really? And they go, that Vito guy's always been there. He's so nice. Is that really what you... After it's all fallen apart, Vito's the only one left standing. And then you go, I'm still here. What else are you going to do?

What's your move? I don't know. I just never call him. What's your... Oh, yeah. what's your move I don't know I just never call them what's your oh yeah what's your opener on Facebook then uh I don't know that's a good question what do you

hey how do you get a friend request I pretend to be interested in their careers yeah what are you working on what have you been what have you been doing

oh that's so interesting you've been writing wow that's great yeah I've been writing a Rick and Morty spec yeah how's that how's that Etsy script going or how's that Etsy store going uh not well yeah not well i haven't sold a lot of beads lately

oh that's a tragedy do you want one oh yeah i'd love one how many should i how many can i put you down for yeah you're so talented beads beads you're more talented than any other teenage girl whoever fucking tried beatery or whatever the fuck? You could have said preteen. Well, I forget when they start doing that shit. Okay. Why do women love beads? Because it takes no talent. It kind of doesn't.

Kind of? You put the fucking string in the hole. Well, I mean, sometimes the holes are tiny, I guess. What's easier than that? In bracelets, you got to at least tie a knot. Yeah. Painting, you have to have some sense of perspective. So it's just really weird. The things that things like backing up a car.

My ex-girlfriend who has like a good job or whatever else. Yeah. And she goes, I'm making Starbucks cups now. And I'm like, what the fuck does that mean? What are you talking about? And I guess because they make like Plastic starbucks cups Oh so you can like

Bedazzling them Yeah like bedazzling them And glitter And making them into like Little snow globes That's called mace And shit Yeah it's so weird

And I'm like I'm like don't you make like Six figures And she's like yeah But I also Am making starbucks cups And I kind of had to be like yeah don't do that you got other stuff you could be working on oh god imagine how bad they are with

buying stuff off etsy yeah women these guys are bad with reset buttons oh god i can't imagine you said they don't care i don't know well women don't women don't uh aren't confrontational so they probably just accept it and they go, that's my lot in life as a woman. I was sent an incorrect necklace because God is punishing me. You're probably right.

For what I did as a child. Okay. So what are our problems? Dead celebrity endorsements. Dead celebrity endorsements. Craigslist complainers. Craigslist complainers. And mine are

kids Christmas pageants. Yes. And initiate. Something I've, a term I created called complainers and mine are kids Christmas pageants yes and initiate something I've a term I created called initiating the conversation did you invent that term? a term I've invented go to biggestproblem.show to vote on the problems patreon.com slash biggestproblems

you should probably do a bonus episode next week yeah next week let's do it let's do some voicemails Vito you stupid Motherfucker Every hurricane is named after a woman Have you ever heard of Hurricane Andrew

Case in point Go fuck yourself Have you ever heard of Hurricane Andrew So they alternate between male female While going down the alphabet The white alphabet though i don't know they should alternate races too but yeah it goes a little what because it was irene then whatever andrew andrew but andrew's an a was that recent uh handrew handrew with an with a j

i don't think that's what it is. Andrew, I don't think that's correct. All right. But I believe they alternate the sexes of the hurricanes. They should alternate the races. I think it just so happens that... It would be Kamala next. Yeah, typically it seems like the female ones, even though they're alternating, it seems like the female ones Whenever they even though they're alternating

It seems like the female ones keep being the worst ones Then it would be What's L L Lorraine Black No it would be a black man Leon Oh yeah okay that's a good black name

H I J K L M Then it would be A woman or a man A woman Mama a man? A woman Mama No, it has to be a different race though Oh It already did

Kamala It would be Mary Like Mashaka Masala Masala Like Indian I don't know if that's a name for a person

Masala Ali What's that guy? That actor? It's gotta be a woman though Not black We just did black. Okay, so Indian woman's M name. This is a bizarre fucking mad level.

Yeah, Mahatma. That's a guy again. No, is it? I thought that was a position like king. Yeah, but you're not going to let a woman be king. Oh, all right. Here's another one. What's up, Dick and Vito?

Hey, what's up? I was listening to last week's episode regarding the prostate, and I figured I better weigh in because it sounds like you guys don't really know. Anyway, I had my prostate massage during intercourse of some variety. Well, girl variety two times first time was like a 50 year old asian hooker i think she's sucking my dick and stroking me off at the at the end of the session which is nice i didn't even ask her to provide the extra service and play you don't want to haggle over another 20 bucks she was was like, oh, yeah, let me eat that. Come. Thanks, baby. Okay.

So she's going at it. And next thing I know, you know, she slips a couple digits up there. And I'm like, oh, fuck it. Like, nobody's ever done this before. Not going to do it again. I'm paying for it. So might as well let it happen. Yeah, you're paying for it.

All right. And then let me tell you, when you come, it feels like you're stuck somewhere between busting and a fart. Why would you want that? Why would you want that? You're just going to let it happen. And I, you know, she popped her fingers out when I was done and kind of like looked at it. And I'm like, oh, God, don't do that. And she just like wandered off to the bathroom and didn't say anything. What did you want her to say? your oil's low that was fun um and then the second time was a 37 year old uh half

latina half british milf who i found on twitter and it's like well i just let her do it because i already fucked her in the ass anyway so everything's you know all all net gain if you will so no how is it net gain I don't know about this on rare occasion it occurs there's a go fuck yourself I don't

I don't want to fuck around with a butt there's just too much that can go wrong okay you're gonna damage something if you put something back there

I don't know gay guys do it yeah they do it all the time yeah okay one more and then we'll do some uh we'll do some uh super chats so dick and vito you're talking about civil asset force for sure you bring up the saddle texas

yeah that's uh that's my biggest problem people that think that texas is a free state or like a libertarian utopia it's fucking not they control every little aspect of your life they force you into the same fucking bullshit that california has with like austin and then the rest of the state is just forcing down like really like right-wing stuff that way they can screw you over other ways and you just kind of turn the other cheek the state that is truly fucking like free and you can do whatever the fuck you want and it's like Florida, South Carolina or some fucking bullshit that's a free state, Texas is not

Texas is a authoritarian fucking right state that somehow has a fucking liberal bastion of Austin living in the center of it that's interesting, that makes sense though, it doesn't seem like Texas would be, seems like they're more restrictive if anything.

I think having the right to rip a baby out of you is the most important freedom you can have. And they keep trying to take it away. It's at least high up there in terms of if you want a freedom. That's a big one. Yeah. Did you see that joke I posted? A pregnant woman walks into a euthanasia clinic

and orders a shot of cocaine and a shot of heroin. And the bartender says, that'll be 400 bucks. And he goes, you know, we don't give many pregnant women at our euthanasia clinic. And she goes, well, at these prices, I'm not surprised. See, because it's all four of the rights. But she's killing the baby. She's killing herself. She's doing heroin

i forgot the last right money not having because it's expensive uh no there's one more but all four of them got it's either all the same way they're all not yeah um it's uh i i would like to move to one of these states with all this freedom you know i mean if you're anti-abortion like go to africa and talk cry about the living kids that get killed yeah you don't you just like shaming women like i mean if you like life so much go defend it i don't understand why these people who go you know i love life so much i'm like why well just also like how many kids did you adopt like or pay for yeah or pay for you just run your fucking mouth because it feels good if you were like oh and you know and i donate my money to

like college scholarships whatever because i'm not enough though future some of them maybe but most people are just like i don't want you to kill that thing and you're like well what are you gonna how are you gonna help it out yeah i'm gonna going to make sure it's education budget as low as possible. Did you see the fucking... Oh, that's good. Did you see the cash grabbing teachers or whatever? Yeah. Yeah.

That was... I'm like, please tell me this is like an Oli G like skit or like a... Yeah. Like a Borat thing. They should have put the cash in manure. Yeah. That would have been better. And then tied their hands behind their back.

For people who don't know what we're talking about, there was a cash grab at some sports arena where they invited a bunch of teachers to grab fistfuls of dollar bills so they could and tied their hands behind their back? For people who don't know what we're talking about, there was a cash grab at some sports arena where they invited a bunch of teachers to grab fistfuls of dollar bills so they could afford school supplies. So they say. Yeah. Well, I don't know.

I didn't get the full concept. You need supplies to, like, instruct kids on what is what? I don't know. Well, that's what I don't understand. Because they have to always have, like, colored markers and pencils and shit? I guess.

Is that teaching, or is that just playing arts and crafts? Well, that's the i was a teacher and i was like yeah i'm just not gonna buy anything for the kids they'd be like well you have to get chalk and what no you pay for it do you not know enough to just sit there and teach kids because i do so do you not like what do you need to spend money on to keep them distracted uh-huh not teaching you just's to keep them distracted. Uh-huh. Not teaching. You just need to give them stuff so they can stay busy while you read Fifty Shades of Grey and hang out on Facebook.

So if they would have just tied their hands behind their back and made them dig it out. Dig it out through manure with their teeth. Yeah, with their teeth. That would have been funnier. I don't know what's going on with the education system. Seems like there could be more stuff. Just get rid of it going on with the education system. Seems like there could be more stuff. Just get rid of it.

That's the best summation. Okay. Get rid of it? No, you got to... Why? What do they teach? I don't know. What is...

I'm worried our education system gets kids to the level where they're just smart enough to be extra stupid. You know, because it used to be you just had stupid people and you're like, well, at least they're not like getting involved and voting and causing trouble oh yeah yeah we educated them to the point where they're participants yeah before they're actually intelligent but they're smart enough to think that what their ideas matter and that they should have a right or to say yeah otherwise the alternative is uh jeff bezos taking out ads in the newspaper he owns that says voting is for gays. Yeah.

Right? Yeah. Voting is for queers. That would work. And they're like, oh, yeah, awesome. Yeah. I'm not going to fucking vote. I'm not going to get my gay.

It's just like voting is just two guys kissing. Like, whoa! Or just a big fat chick going, I love voting. And women are like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. I don't think so. I saw that you were talking about that fat chick COVID advertisement

on your show. Was I? Where they're like, the thing she regrets most is not getting the vaccine. It's like a 400-pound woman. With eight heart attacks and a coma. Why did you choose that

as the poster child for this Could have picked anybody To try and make the case That vaccines Pick Marilyn Monroe Yeah I mean Why not

It would have worked Who is this advertising to It's not people Who are not gonna take The vaccine I don't know It's people Who are already vaccinated

Do we have some super chats Dick Yeah yeah yeah Well let's take a look At what we got. From Pinkalo the Driving Ape, a dollar. Thank you, sir. Thanks, buddy.

Well, anyway, here's Wonderwall. Says, Fat Watch should be renamed Piggist Problem. Piggist Problem, okay. That's interesting. Pretty good. Fat Watch is a huge hit. What do you do on Fat Watch? I haven't listened to it yet.

I watch the fat stuff. I watch fat people. From where? From my fucking containment center. Okay. My command center. And then do you broadcast? Yeah, I watch what they're doing, see what they're up to.

Like an update. You should make it a weekly show. You tag sharks to learn about their habits, their mating habits, and their eating habits and stuff. I do the same thing, but with fat people. If you had a weekly news show and you had like the suit and like the set, and you go,

this week on Fat Watch. Yeah, like 60 minutes. Yeah, that would actually be really good. Pencalo says, the Crystal Skull Vodka is battery acid. I want to try the Crystal Skull Vodka. Do you know that? Dan Aykroyd?

Dan Aykroyd's Crystal Skull Vodka. He says it's, I mean. But vodka shouldn't be anything. Well, it's just what? It should be tasteless. Is vodka rice or corn? Or potato. It depends.

Potato. Potato. Yeah, I do think they're all rice. It's not like he didn't make it. He oversaw it with his fucking cryptographic skills or whatever. Oh, okay. Matt Barr says, Vito, three little words

sold as is. Yeah, but if you put that, people get all fucking weird and like, does it work? Does it work, bro? Does it work? And you're like, yeah, it works. I guess I'm going to have to start putting that though. Yeah. And just ignore those people. I'm going to go, I tested it. It works. I don't know what the hell

is going on. And David with, what is that, a fish and a tent? It says a bee, a honeybee. And a tent, bee tent. BBC, is he saying? I don't know. Circus tent. Circus tent.

BBC. Well, I don't. A news organization. Right. Okay. Super useful. Thank you, sir. That's it.

Thanks, guys. Biggestproblem.show. Yeah. Biggestproblem.show. Patreon.com slash biggest problem. Sounds good. See you.