The Biggest Problem in the Universe - Episode 22 - Turd Eye Blind

Episode Date: December 28, 2021

Going Back to Work, Blindness, Big Shits That Tear Up Your Asshole, The Movie Theater Experience

And you think you look good? I think I look good, yeah. I taught Dick what a shutter speed is on his cameras, and now... Well, you didn't really, you just said change it, and then it looked better. Yeah. That's not the same as teaching. Well... To be fair.

Oh! It's not time yet! Shit! Alright, let's do it. Seems a little low, doesn't it? Maybe. Crank that, maybe it's a little low. Cr't it? Maybe. Crank that. Maybe it's a little low. Crank it.

Biggest problem. The universe. Hey, welcome to the biggest problem in the universe. I'm your host, Jake Maddison. The only show that ranks every problem in the universe from, shit, I forgot to do this thing. From saying hello to Bob to something with Bob Ross. Yeah.

From talking to girls. From dead celebs. To pissing in Bob Ross's curls. I'm your host, Dick Masterson. Joining me as always is Vito Giswaldi. Hey, how's it going, Dick? It's going great. Yeah. It's going great despite? It's going great. Yeah. It's going great, despite the

cumbersome intro. Yeah. The whooshing of the air in the background that I tried to turn off before the show, and then it didn't. What is it? My Matrix glasses. Yeah, the Matrix. Do you like my Matrix glasses? They're great. I love them. You look, you're very Neo-esque right now. Ooh,

I'm actually Trinity-esque. Trinity-esque? She's the new the one. That's not what that was. Trinity's the new the one. She saved him with her feminism after ditching her family. No, hold on. That's her becoming trans.

She's giving up the fantasy of having a family and loving her family and her kids and becoming trans and propping up the franchise of the Matrix by holding up Neo who can't jump anymore or fly yeah

And he doesn't do any karate anymore. He just does hadouken he did a lot of hadouken I was like this is really weird. It's not like his power now He just goes like is he out of shape like they only got one kung fu sequence out of him He's got to do brain games. Yeah like in real life Do some Sudokus to break out of the Matrix. Yes, to break out of the Matrix. Okay, so do you want to do... Are we talking about the Matrix today or are people done with it?

That's a good question. Dead celebrity endorsements. Yep. Way to go, buddy. I've been on a little bit of a roll, I feel. It's two in a row. Is it two or three? Oh, you better be sure if it's three.

I think it's three because it was dead celebrity endorsements. Yeah. And the week prior was something about Thanksgiving. Seth Rogen was a winner. You said, what, not enough football on Thanksgiving. That was your problem. No, no, no. One of them was Seth Rogen, but I don't know if that was last episode.

I just remember there was one episode where you were like, you're terrible at this, and I think I've been stepping it up. Yeah. And I've really been proving myself on the field. What was number two, Dick? Next was initiating the conversation. Oh, really? Which I can't believe. Just a bunch of incel nerds voting on these shows, I think.

Yeah. That's why nobody voted for that one. Because they're all confident that they can initiate the conversation? No, because they never talked to a woman before. You have no idea what that's like. That's why. That's why nobody voted for that one. Because they're all confident that they can initiate the conversation? No, because they never talked to a woman before. You have no idea what that's like. That's why. That's reasonable. Craigslist complainers came in third.

Probably because a lot of Craigslist complainers were voting negatively on that, too. Yeah. They're probably like, why didn't you just... I mean, I still have people going, well, why didn't you just test the reset button? And I'm like, I don't know, man. Because I tested every other part of the thing. I got shit to do, bud. Yeah, I got shit to do.

I'm not going to plug in every controller. It fucking stacks up so quickly all the bullshit that you have to do every day. Yeah. And the shit that you have to read and the problems that you have to deal with stack up so fast. I did realize the other day, I'm like, I should just, like, I don't know how customer service deals with anything. Like, how do you verify anything when a customer goes, hey, this is wrong? You know what? I'm taking these off.

I got to go shut this thing off. I don't know. I think my heater's broken. Okay. Did you shut it off? Yeah. Give it a minute. All right.

Fucking thing. That's part of being a homeowner, isn't it? Part of being a Google. They call them, if you have Google Nest, you're a homo. Like you're a home. Yeah, a homo. They're homos. Yeah.

The Google homos. Yeah. I don't think they call it that. You don't think? I pitched them that. Yeah. You guys need like a great brand idea for you. It feels like two suns are in my eyes right now.

Yeah. But if you can't see my eyes, then it's just not funny. Oh, my God. Do you want to turn the lights down a little bit? It doesn't matter. Okay. I experienced the worst pain I've ever experienced in my life today. What happened to your eyes?

No exaggeration. My idiot nephew shot me. Oh, yeah. Dodge this. Dodge this with a Nerf gun. I hit him in the neck, so he snuck around to pay me back, and he said, hey, uncle. And I was, like, loading my Nerf gun, and I was like, what? And then he goes, bah-bah. Oh, my God, dude. In the eye? In the eyeball. Oh my god.

That was the worst pain I had ever experienced until today. What'd you do? I instantly crumpled. You just fell on the ground? I crumpled like one of those things that you put your thumb in and then release it, you know? You hit it and it goes, ugh. Did he feel, I guess he probably felt pretty bad. Oh, his sister fucking

Her hand was like what beetlejuice yeah, you know when he's stretching across yeah No I hit the I hit the deck Like like a whore playing dead like a nerve parent what like a nerf ball nerf dart Yeah, and one of the, they're not like they used to be. They're sturdy now. They're stiff now. Marines take them into battle when they're in Afghanistan.

Of course. So they can, when they're not, when they're done grabbing two other men's butts with their hands and they have to, oh, this,

Biden ruined all the Afghanistan jokes. There's no more Afghanistan. Yeah, I'm sorry. All the veterans are home reading about white supremacy, I guess. There's some of that definitely going around. All the veterans are now blue-haired she-shims and him-hers, aren't they? I don't think they all are. So it's full...

It's game on on veterans now for the right isn't it aren't i justified in you're saying almost i don't think most of the veterans are uh blue haired whatever the hell but someday they will be well that's what we're moving towards hopefully uh the most the worst pain i've ever had today was me getting my retinas checked yeah they shine a light into your eye but not like anything you've ever had today was me getting my retinas checked. Yeah. And they shine a light. Into your eye. But not like anything you've ever experienced. It's not like a regular eye exam. It's like a laser almost.

I don't know what it was. But they didn't warn me. And I thought I was having multi. I thought I was passing kidney stones through my eyes. Jesus Christ. Don't they. They don't medicate you or something? No.

Do you think they'd have some shots in the. Did you get drunk beforehand? No. They also don't do that. 80 bucks for you can't give me a couple shots of... You can't give me a shot, yeah. Like, you know, bottom shelf. Something to knock down. Okay, whatever.

Yeah. No tip for you. And they said there's nothing wrong, shut up. Yeah, they said you're a bitch. Okay, kids Christmas pageant. Let me read some of these. Kids Christmas pageant, dead last. Goaty McGoatface. Stanley

is in hell. He's not there for making caped shit stuff. He's there for stealing all the popular caped shit stuff from Jack Kirby. And Jack Kirby is there for making caped shit stuff. But he's in a higher circle of hell. Jack Kirby

didn't do anything. Is that what you're saying? That's what I'm saying. What are you talking about? Fuck Jack Kirby didn't do anything. Is that what you're saying? That's what I'm saying. What are you talking about? Fuck Jack. Jack Kirby did not do... The important stuff was the marketing. What are you looking at?

Sorry, I was getting a text. Tell me. Harpeet single. Vito's face when Dick is explaining diogenes is hilarious. Also, I love the analogy. I think it fits the problem very nicely. What did you say about diogenes?

Well, it's like who cares if people are dead make dumb stuff out of them if they're so offended hire a lawyer for them right but they can't use a lawyer because they're dead

yeah they don't care what was your face when I was trying to explain this it was probably oh my god dick

yeah I was blowing the dead a guy base says I had a teammate in youth league baseball whose father did the same thing Oh my god, dick Yeah, I was blowing the dead Okay Base says I had a teammate in youth league baseball Whose father did the same thing at Disneyland on gay day in 95 with a red shirt And he went in the bathroom with his son and said there was fucked up shit going on Fucked up shit

Goofy was fucking the hell out of some dude Yeah, good old gay day Yeah There was some fucking goofy stuff going on in there Goofy was fucking the hell out of some dude. Yeah. Good old gay day. Yeah. There was some fucking goofy stuff going on in there. I'm sure those cast members are up to no good themselves anyway. That's the biggest regret of my life is not banging this Cinderella that I met. Yeah. Oh, man.

She was hot. Did you work at Disney? No. No. No. Duderino Rossellini says, The only part i liked about disney world florida is the disney puppet museum since it's mechanical puppets it's very cool and it showed what disney thought the future would be if you told him we would all live in pods and eat insect paste

and own nothing i think he would make propaganda videos for the other side during world war ii i think he would have done that anyway disney was interesting because that's all Epcot was. Like a future thing? The experimental prototype community of tomorrow. Have you ever been there? I have. Do you have any interest in going there? I do.

You do? Yeah. Well, Epcot was Disney's plan for a perfect managed community. Yeah. It was originally not going to be a park. It was originally going to be like a retirement home? Yeah, like a retirement

neighborhood. Huh. Where like your entire house is electronic. It would have had all the Google Home stuff but back in the 60s. Oh, he was a homo?

Yeah, he was a homo. He was the original OG homo. Wow, I didn't know that. All your trash fed into a central furnace buried underground to heat everybody's homes.

It was going to be a perfect community You burned your trash to heat your house? I underground to heat everybody's homes. It was going to be a perfect community for tomorrow. You burned your trash to heat your house? I don't remember exactly what it was. In Florida? Some of it. No, it wasn't in Florida. Maybe it was in Florida.

You've got to have a redesign where everybody is just, like, medicated and then everyone is crammed into a storage container. And they can't move and they have VR sets on their heads. That's what we're getting towards. That's where we're going. And it's Tim Pool telling them how they need to rise up. Everybody's mad at Tim Pool today, huh? It's because he sucks.

He does suck. Have you ever watched his show? No. I don't understand why anybody... It's unwatchable, dude. I don't get why people... Just like his demeanor in general. I'm like, this guy seems like a snake. in general i'm like this guy seems like a snake just the way he talks he seems like a snake like such a phony fuck yeah

no part of me thinks like this guy is being honest with me i'm like this guy seems to not have enough brain cells and he's definitely lying to me and i i easily see how he has problems with his brother yeah because like i assume your family is a bunch of opportunist scum fuck scumbags like you like big surprise like Matt his brother his brother's fault yeah I did like oh it was brother was the dick is like oh yeah I'm sure I'm surely one of them his brother seems to be just kind of like Orville had no interest in planes. Yeah. Just Wilbur. Just Wilbur.

Yeah, it's a weird family. Well, I hope he's I hope he doesn't hear this and cut us off from buying his doomsday food. Does he sell that? Does he pitch that stuff? Yeah. He pitches the buckets

of bulk greens to make it through the Holocaust. A bird seed. Yeah. While you're resisting. Ah, whatever. You gotta get paid somehow, right?

He had that weird creepy cuck on his show, too. He did. That's what I saw somebody was yelling at him about. Talk about how 35-year-old men and 15-year-old girls are a match made in heaven. That guy, that Jack Murphy guy is a whole... It's one of these things where you're like... Cuckulies. Yeah.

I saw somebody call him. I called him that. Well, I'm always arguing, and I've I've been talking Of course to Mr. Girl Who's had his own tour recently We're always talking about This kind of like Internet YouTube phenomenon Where everybody's looking

For a dad in the wrong place Yeah And they gravitate Towards this guy Because he's big and burly And says I'm gonna teach you How to fuck women And you don't realize

Like this guy's a psychopath And is not a good dad He's Your actual dad I don't care how much He hits you He's probably a better dad Than this guy Yeah Your mom is a better dad Than this guy Yeah a psychopath and is not a good dad he's your actual dad i don't care how much he hits you he's probably a better dad better guy yeah your mom is a better dad than this yeah not having a dad is better than this guy i think it's even worse though i think so here's my you know i

can always have a worse scenario yeah when it comes to people you can you can if whatever you scenario you give the reality is worse yeah um people don't want a dad they want other people to see them as a dad so they glom on to guys that they think other people perceive as a dad like how hot girls will hang out with other hot girls so that they could look like a hot girl guys go to jack murphy's like jacked food folks and fun brunch so that other men will perceive them as their father figure that's how fucked up it is

it's a very fucked up scenario and I think the ultimate thing is if anyone tells you they're gonna be your dad says hey you know subscribe to my course to become the ultimate man or whatever else don't trust that guy if you need a new dad you'll find him naturally find find a guy who's just kind of like hey i'm here you need

some advice sure i'm not preaching to you like hey take my advice your life's gonna be turned upside down yeah and uh there are some guys who just really want to i have the way. And don't let women. Clean your room, motherfucker. What was that? Clean my room. Jordan Peterson. Look, I'm not even. I think some of us. You got to let other girls fuck your wife and your girlfriend and clean your room and clean their room. I think Jordan Peterson has some interesting stuff to say, but there's a lot of that.

I want a dad and I've chosen this insane Canadian hopped up on Benzo's and you're going to be like, he doesn't have all the answers. I mean, that was just the, that was the worst thing. Being on Benzos and having it, like being addicted to something and having it fuck up your life. Yeah.

Being addicted to things is cool. Right. But having it fuck up your life, that's like the worst thing. Yeah. Not the addiction, but the fucking up of the life. Messing up and being addicted.

That's what makes you a lame and a loser. Do you want to do the first part? Well, why don't I real quick, I want the audience to keep this in mind. Why don't you, I have an audio clip here. Okay. But I think the fans need to tell us when we play this clip because we obviously have a drop. Okay. For me.

I suck cocks. What is that? Who said. Okay. For me. I suck cocks. What is that? Who said that? That's me saying I suck cocks. Why would you say that? I say that all the time. Oh, okay. While I'm sucking cocks. Yeah. But I don't say the other thing that you say. Why don't you play it so we hear it? I suck cocks. Yeah. There it is.

What do you think? This is a get? I think it's a get. Of me? I mean. Is this like a dick versus dick? Are you saying? Like I'm. Pretty clearly there. I say I suck cocks. I don't say the other thing that you say. Yeah.

The sucking cocks is fine. I think somebody was bringing up you have some sort of verbal tics that I'll have to pay attention for. You're going to have to find them. Yeah. We'll see. Anyway, thank you. Do you have any siblings?

Somebody said that. I have a sister. Have I ever told you about my sister? No. How come you don't have the natural instinct to bullying like I do? I don't know. How old is she? Older or younger than you?

She's younger. How much younger? Two or three years. Mine's four years younger than me. I think I was a bit of a bully. I think I'm just so nice now. No, I don't know. I think I'm just so nice now. I bully people on Twitter all the time.

Like cry bullying. Stop picking on me. I don't know why everyone's picking on me. I rip on everybody. I'm bullying instincts. I'm jovial about my bullying. I just bullied Jack Murphy. My problem, Dick, is

really hard shits that you just can't get out and fuck up your butthole and make it a real bad day. Well, Dick, there's a fun story about that, which is recently I had to take a really hard shit that was too big for my butthole, fucked it up, and I had a real bad day. Okay. You know what I'm talking about. It's not necessarily the size. Yeah's the firmness yeah when you have this rock hard turd okay and you go you're like i'm just gonna go to the bathroom it's gonna be fine i've gone to the bathroom my whole life i

i know the routine remember the first time i went to the bathroom right you're not expecting anything to go wrong you sit down very quickly you realize that's one of these haven't had one of these in a while you know what i'm talking about though right you've been there it's like an everlasting gobstopper that's what i picture in my head when it's coming out with all the little cracky bits on the yeah yeah the movie one not the candy box one right the movie one and i just i don't know Right, the movie one. And I just, I don't know about you, but I get into a situation

where I'm like, is there any way to escape this? Yeah. And there isn't. Yeah. What could you do? You just stick a blender.

I mean, you could. You could if you want to try and finger it out piece by piece, but let's be real. Then you got a finger stuck in there. Now you got to

shit all that out. You got a whole finger up your butt Yeah Trying to I don't do I don't want to You just gotta I do it band-aid style

You just gotta rip it out Well that's how Elvis died Right So That's the problem That's the one thing That keeps me from trying To shit my brains out

In the toilet Is like Is that how Elvis died Is that how Elvis died You're too fat Is that how Elvis died Well Dick Hard stools Are the result of your colon absorbing too much water.

What? Really? Yeah. Oh, okay. That makes sense, I guess. Yeah, I guess there's not enough water. It swells it up, I would imagine. Yeah.

Yeah. This can happen when food passes too slowly through your digestive system, which results in hard, dry stools that are difficult to pass. It can also be a symptom of constipation. Now, I haven't been constipated in a while, but I can understand it affects people. Some common causes of a hard stool that can lead to constipation include medication. So you're just trying to stay healthy. Next thing you know, you're ripping open your butthole with one of these horrible rock hard turds. Are you trying to stay healthy? Is that how it happened to you? Yeah, I was trying to stay healthy. Next thing you know, you're ripping open your butthole. One of these horrible rock hard turds.

Are you trying to stay healthy? Is that how it happened to you? Yeah, I was trying to stay healthy. What kind of medication? You know, Xanitol, Kyvaxeline. I would... Is that a Lornitin pen? I would take 100 Vicodin every day if it weren't for the constipation.

Yeah? Yeah. Vicodin does do that, right? Oh, yeah. After like two weeks, you'll shit a football. Jesus Christ. Vicodin, and you'll never take it again. Not getting enough exercise.

Well, I don't have that problem, so I don't know if that didn't cause it for me. Pregnancy. I got a little of that. Aging. The older you get, this is going to become more of a problem, Dick. Okay. You're an old man. You're already suffering.

Your joints don't work. Next thing you know, your butthole is being ripped apart. Your aging, old, shriveled butthole. It's like Biden's taking big, old, painful shits every day. Biden is dying. Why do you think he's so angry? So he's seething secretly. Of course, the lack of fiber and whatever else.

But as we bring up, Dick, it's not just the pain of the initial bowel release. Right. There are serious problems associated with hard stools. Okay. Including hemorrhoids. Hemorrhoids. Have you ever had a hemorrhoid, Dick?

Yeah. I have as well. That's bad. People don't talk about it either. I don't know why they don't talk about it because it's fascinating. Is it gay? Yeah.

To have a hemorrhoid? That's the devil fingering your ass. What's weird about a... Did your hemorrhoid go away at some point? Did you have to treat it or anything? No, you can't. There's no treatment for it. Well, they have...

You just gotta exercise. You can, uh, what do you call it? You can rubber band it, but you're not supposed to do it yourself because you can kill yourself. No. You can kill yourself? Yeah. What do you mean? So a hemorrhoid is like, what do you call it? You can rubber band it, but you're not supposed to do it yourself because you can kill yourself. You kill yourself? What do you mean? So a hemorrhoid is like, what do you call it? There's blood in there, right? Yeah. So you can put a tiny

like an O-ring, you know, like around the base of it. Like a braces rubber band? Yeah. That's what I, you go to a high school, you go to a junior high, you're like, hey kid, let me see your braces for your hemorrhoid. Let me grab one of those rubber bands off your braces. Well, you're supposed to go to a junior high, you're like, hey, kid, let me grab one of those rubber bands off your braces. Well, you're supposed to go to a doctor to do it, because if you do it yourself, what happens is all the blood that's in there, you know, it's supposed to wither off and die, right?

Yeah. This sounds like a doctor scam. Don't do this. Don't put a rubber band on something at home. I mean, you You gotta come in. Bring your checkbook. We got medical rubber bands. The problem is that if the rubber band snaps and all that tainted blood that's just been sitting in there gets back into your body, you're fucked.

Back into your body? Yeah. What? From the hemorrhoid. If the rubber band's not there, tie it up. I don't buy. I don't believe that. You can look it up sometime.

I know. I can't look up anything. Vito. We live in a medical fascist state. You're telling me you can't look up anything that says don't go to the doctor. Websites can't publish it because they're terrified of lawsuits. Well, I'm terrified of hard stools. I mean, I was able to find this information, and maybe I wish I had more. Maybe there's more I don't know.

But what I do know about dick are anal fissures, a tear in the lining of your anus that can cause pain and bleeding during and after bowel movements. Can you imagine having a tear in the lining of your anus? No. I think I've given some of those. That would be horrifying. I've never had one of those. That would be horrifying. They say it typically is not a serious condition.

Fuck you. It's a tear in my anus. That's what annoys me about girls wanting anal yeah, I just pounded in there I'm not oh like you're kind of come on, honey I had a girl who loved having anal it but every time I was like oh man like this feel it does feel okay I don't know I don't dislike that but I can't get past get past like the, this has got to be fucking your ass up. Yeah, well, you just got to be real slow. Mm-hmm.

Feels fantastic. So I have to stay hard for like an hour and a half, basically. I don't know, man. The last two, I think, are the most terrifying. I mean, this is clearly the biggest problem in the universe once you get to stuff like this. Hernia. That's when the upper part of your stomach pushes through the opening in your diaphragm so your fucking uh your fucking intestines there's now a hole in your anus and your intestines are poking through

large hernias can trap stomach acid and even food in the upper part of your stomach and uh the most horrific to me would be the rectal prolapse. Your entire butthole coming out? Your entire butthole. When the intestinal lining pushes out from your anal opening, which can range. Colon flower. You're talking about.

Yeah. Call a doctor if you feel or see a reddish bulge extending out of your inch. Call a doctor. I'm driving to the emergency room. I'm going in. Somebody's reading that online is going like, huh, call a doctor, I guess. Call a doctor. I'm driving to the emergency room. I'm going in. Somebody's reading that online and is going like, huh, call a doctor, I guess.

I mean. Call a doctor. Are you sure they're open? It's 2.30. No, I'm going to the emergency room and I'm going, everybody else get out of the way. My butt is coming out of my butt.

This is the most horrific thing I can think of as a human being. So that's never happened to you? No. Butt coming out of your butt? Jesus Christ. I'm terrified of my own butthole reading some of this stuff. I don't know how gay guys do it.

I also don't know. All the butt stuff? Yeah. That they're doing? They should stop doing the butt stuff, honestly. What? No, no, no, no. They clearly, they must know how to do it.

I think if you- Because you got two guys, you got two guys working on a problem instead of one guy and someone who's doing their best to screw up your efforts. That's why gay sex, that's why gay butt sex works so much. You don't hear about gay guys' buttholes busting out. I think you do sometimes. Like a fucking cow having a baby, right? You just hear about what a great time they have and how many dinner parties.

Nope, they're not all, they have those gay dinner parties, right? They're not all going around like walking like their buttholes are spraying out all over the place, right? Well, yeah. Because they had two guys who both understand you got to take it slow. I think they do exercises to make sure the opening is wider than typical. What? They have devices and certain plugs.

Like how old ladies will have those rings that they put in their mouth and go like to keep their wrinkles from coming in. I saw the jaw resizer where guys are now chewing on these giant jaws resizer. Yeah, you can get like an insane jawline.

You watch the videos online where they just chew on this thing for an hour every day and you're like, Jesus Christ. They're like, no, that's going to give you TMJ. I don't fucking know what it's going to do. No, I will tell you that will give you TMJ. I have that and it will ruin your life. It will make you very miserable and obsessed with the Federal Reserve. Do not do that.

Do not do that thing. You probably don't need to go to the doctor to do the rubber band thing. I wouldn't know, but I would say to gay people Just keep it good and lubricated Because really the problem we have here Is lubrication Do you think you're going to give gay people advice on

What to do with their butts? Well as a man who has had gay experiences Never any butt Your butt? No not my butt Well then what Someone else's butt But from what I've

That's no different than my straight experiences with the butt then. No, no, no, but I'm saying you can have fun with each other's whatever. You don't have to put anything into anything. I would be okay if it's like a finger, like something tiny, you know? It's the circumference. I'm not okay with even a molecule going in. My butt is for shitting. You've never put anything in your butt?

Not even a single atom. Not even a marble just to see how long you can keep it there. Not even a photon. If an atom gets up your butt. Schrodinger's wave theory does not function at my butthole. The photons actually probabilistically, quantumly

they do not abdicate across the barrier of my ass. The state is always off. Because it's only for shitting. Yeah. AB8, I think it is. Anyway. What it really comes down to is the butt is a sensitive thing, and can you imagine that your own poo-poo would do such damage to you? What a horrible world we live in.

There is no God, really. No. No God would say, I'm going to come up with this thing you have to do to expel waste, and occasionally it might destroy your insides and cause you horrible pain. There is no God. The biggest problem in the universe is big ol'

shits that tear up your asshole. Well, you gotta like pound creatine, man. Then you're shitting six times a day. Is that true? And it's like fresh snow. like freshly driven freshly fallen powder Powder that's your shits. Yeah, creatine shits six times. Yeah, creatine's for muscle building, you know Yeah, you pound that and then you're taking six shits a day and it's just like it's like a log of a white

It's like a log of a white aspen snow. Driven snow. And a little guy skiing down it. And a yeti. Yes. Yeah, the fucking... Yeah. The Matterhorn. It weighs nothing.

If you lift up, you blow it away. It's not dust, though. Look, children, look. Snowflakes. Like Edward Scissorhands. Okay, that's your problem. I think that's a pretty good problem. What's it called?

Big old shits. Big shits that tear up your ass. Big shits that tear up your ass. All right, here's my problem. It's called going back to work. Yeah. Coming up at the end of the Christmas time, end of the year time. The end of the Christmas time.

And you got to go back to work. Yeah. I'll tell you something. I'd rather fucking kill myself than go back to work or go back to school do you know that feeling that you get that last sinking feeling before monday maybe you even feel it on friday maybe you get a glimpse of it over the horizon like you get a feeling it ruined you get a feeling of it day one yeah of break Monday one maybe even Sunday one you can see it way over. Oh shit I'm gonna have to go back. Oh shit coming my way. It's coming my way. Oh, that's okay better have fun now I'm now I'm having fun in a panic

Right I know that I have to go back And hang out with these fucking monsters Right? Yeah And listen to their non-stop Hang out Don't you work remotely? Yeah Yeah

This is a show Look You're saying Look, look, look For the common man 130 million people Are full-time employees in the United States Everybody has to do this

Doctors Lawyers Judges Yeah Teachers Garbage men full-time employees in the united states everybody has to do doctors lawyers judges yeah teachers garbage men zookeepers woodworkers youtubers have to go back to work that's the best part of my life yeah you do you're in a panic to produce content at all times or else it's gonna say i'll start putting out what is a cinematic failure and take your spot. No, but I will say that I think I have structured my entire life specifically to avoid this problem because it does. Because it's so big.

Yeah. This is what every kid wants to avoid and they know it. I am agreeing with you. That's why it's their biggest. What's your dream job? YouTuber. Why? Because I don't have to.

I don't get like this tease of two weeks off where I could just be normal, not wear clothes, not deal with fuckheads all day, and just live my fucking life normally. Yeah. Eat whenever I want, not have to go into a special area to take a shit. I could go into an area that looks kind of like the rest of the area that I'm in. I don't have to go into like a void of tile and claim like it's like someone needs to come in with a hose and spray it off. Do you know what I mean? You're saying that. You've never seen an office bathroom with like wood paneling on the side?

It's always tile like you're in a public pool. What goes on in here? This needs to be like this. It doesn't need to be. It has to be a nice place to be. Make it nice. I think they're worried about customers might come by or clients. 63% of employed full-time survey

respondents from this survey I read plan to take off between December 24th and take the rest of the holiday off. How about that? That's a lot of people that suffer from this. Well, because they're trying to get away. They're trying to take a vacation.

Yeah. That's a big problem. Well, one big problem is you don't get enough vacation. You're stuck with your co-workers and whatever else. It's the coming back. It's like, I got two weeks of being normal, and now I've got, what, an eternity of this soul-crushing nonsense? Just why did you give me the two weeks off?

What could I possibly do in two weeks except panic to fill it with memories and vacations with my fucking wife? What could I possibly have done in that two weeks but get a run-up, fail, and a run-down of trying to do something with my family? What? I always compare this to being a child on a summer vacation. Mm-hmm. What's worse than going back to school? Nothing. Well, when I get older, I'll be able to take whatever vacation I want.

And you can't. You can't. No. Unless, again, I advise the young men of America as your dad, as your ideal dad, giving you advice. If you can find a way to live outside of that system, I highly encourage it. Like what, crime? Crime works. Doing crime. Selling drugs on your own time. Pimping OnlyFans.

Find the hot girls in your elementary school and start grooming them to be their OnlyFans pimp. Well, that's honest, yes. That's why, here's the thing, when people get mad at OnlyFans, I go, I can't be upset with those women. Because they've escaped.

Well, no, because the women who are making money on OnlyFans are like, oh, how could you sell your body? I'm like, I would cut off my arm if I had to go back. If I had to go back to the dreading to go back to work, I'd be like, I'll give you one of my hands if I don't have to do it. You can have all my teeth. For what? I think that would be a good-

To not have to work a regular job. I think that would be a good deal. Yeah. Like, I'll give up my foot, like hangman, like a reverse mortgage, but for your body. So by the time you're- I played that game when I was working in a deli with the slicer, the deli slicer,

is I started looking up the workman's comp for different body parts. And to try and see which body parts I would have to accidentally lop off. Really? Yeah. What'd you find? I learned that Massachusetts is not the state to do it in. Some states have great rewards. Canada has great rewards.

Like, if you lose an arm, you're set for life. Really? Yeah, but other states, like... Oh, what does set mean? Like a million. I mean, not set for life, but you can invest it and live off the whatever. Yeah, you can buy some Bitcoins.

But in, like, America, I think if you're living in, like, Colorado, you lose your arm, it's like, yeah, you get 30 grand. Oh. And you're like, that's your whole fucking arm! That's, like, the most important thing! People play guitar with their feet, though.

They even have, like, there's literally, literally like an entire structure for workman's comp. And it's like dominant hand is worth this much. Yeah. Non-dominant hand. Finger is like nothing. That's the wage game I was willing to pay because I was working in a deli. That's how bad it is. At like a grocery store.

That's how bad going back to work is. Yeah. Once you're in it, it's fine. It's actually kind of nice. Right? You get used to it how bad going back to work is. Yeah. Once you're in it, it's fine. It's actually kind of nice, right? You get used to it. You figure out when to shit. Yeah. You figure out what your website routine is.

Yeah. You figure out your routine of like going and dicking around with people. It's the time limit on your time away from work where you can't enjoy it because you're dreading going back. It's the shifting. It's like when the weather, like when the time changes, everyone has heart attacks and kills themselves. And when the temperature changes, millions of people die.

Yeah. That's what it is. It's this vacation. It's this lifestyle shift from totally what you want to absolutely nothing that you want. There's got to be a way to ease you back in. Like today we're going to be working.

You're not off for two weeks. You got to work a couple hours. You got to come in and do the forklift for like five minutes. Right? And then you're coming back. Like you got to come in for an hour and a half and do it. We're going to ease you into it. Even kids, they don't do that.

No, they just throw you right back in. Hell, sometimes they give you homework to bring back with you., they don't do that. No, they just throw you right back in. Hell, sometimes they give you homework to bring back with you. Even your job will do that. And now they're doing kids with three weeks on, two weeks off, three weeks on. This is a fucking nightmare. Homeschool your kids. Escape the system.

Yeah, just don't even do that. Open an eBay store. Okay. That's my problem, is going back to work. Going back to work millions of people afflicted with it my problem dick is the so-called movie theater experience okay what is this lie we tell ourselves now obviously as a result of a certain public health crisis the movies have changed up their distribution model. You got HBO Max.

What are you doing? You're watching the new movies as they come out right there on your TV. Most of them are bad. That's beside the point. The point is that we have all these stupid idiots going, well, this is a shame. It's a shame that movies you can now watch them from where people are going to miss out on the movie theater experience.

Yeah, they will. What are they missing out on exactly? It's like doing something with other people. Going to a movie is the least enjoyable public activity. You don't interact with the other people at all. What, occasionally? No, you do. Spider-Man does a cool thing and and you look at your buddy, and you go,

what Spider-Man did? Oh, that's a reference to Spider-Man 2. Did you know that? He was in the original Spider-Man. That's a terrible group activity. No, and then you're like, oh, my. Everyone's like, oh, my God. Like, whoa.

You're having emotions with people. You're experiencing emotions with people. Sure, and you're doing it in this shitty fucking little thing with these cramped seats. The seats are never that nice. Okay. Look, I'm not going to say there are some theaters that are nice, but the majority of these so-called movie theater experiences

have not changed since the 50s. You pack them in like sardines. What are you talking about? What has changed? Arclight has huge seats. The screen's got bigger It's a bigger screen Yeah, there's stadium seating There's IMAX and THX

They make a whole big fucking deal Okay Before every movie about what's different And you haven't been paying attention Sure DTS, THX We made the seat 3D

3D Half an inch wider So we can charge you an extra $15 for a ticket You would cut your hand off for a half an inch wider so we can charge you an extra $15 for a ticket. You would cut your hand off for a half an inch of a seat. Well, I wouldn't do it to see fucking Spider-Man in 3D, okay? No. It's

so much better. Incremental changes they have made to this core experience. That's called civilization. It's bullshit. It's the same shit. You go, you're like, man, I would like something to eat while I watch my movie. How about corn? The like most disgusting garbage crop of all time.

Okay. That we should just give away because we don't know what to do with it. Okay, you should give it away. You know that we pay farmers to not grow corn? I know all about what we pay everyone to do. Good. Well, we tell them to not grow corn because it's such a garbage crop. Yeah.

There's so much of it. Don't think you're roping in subsidies to the movie theater experience. Well, we tell them to not grow corn because it's such a garbage crop. Yeah. There's so much of it that we can't give it away. Don't think you're roping in subsidies to the movie theater experience. No, I am. I am. Movie theaters are fun.

Movie theaters are a place to dump garbage crop down your throat for $15 a bank. And you're like, this isn't even... Yeah, so is a bar. And it goes stale

two seconds later. All right, the guy making it always fucks it up and it's all stale and they don't make it fresh. You gotta ride them. Yeah, you gotta be like, make me some new ones. You it up, and it's all stale and they don't make it for you gotta ride them Yeah, you'd be like you gotta ride a month Do it layer the butter okay?

Layer the butter butter do it again. Yeah, so an essential part of the movie theater experience is riding it H-clerk to make sure your popcorn I would love if there was a movie theater where you could go and See, they have restaurants where the waitstaff will be rude to you. Yeah, I've seen them. Dick's Last Resort. I want a movie theater or restaurant experience where I could be as rude as I want to them. Yeah. Right?

That would be good. You dumb motherfucker. You will get kicked out of the movie theater. Are our seats ready, you stupid asshole? Do you have Chopin martinis or do you just have dog shit Belvedere, you ugly cunt?

This is a pretty good theme restaurant idea to be honest. I'm not going to lie. But that's not what movie theaters are. This is a whole other fucking thing.

You got to pay for N-Words, our N-Word experience. No, no, no, no, no, no. That pass, that's only on special events. Holy Lord. Like, well, I'm gay, so I can say like, okay. Anyway, point is I get my $15 bag of corn. I settle in next to a bunch of people.

Luckily, we finally have theaters that aren't crowded to shit with a bunch of morons. What do you mean? Because of COVID? Yeah, because of COVID. I did, all right, let's, because of COVID. I did. All right, let's put it this way. I did not see. I want to watch the new Spider-Man, right?

I'm not going to go to a theater and watch it. You know what I mean? It sucks. All of these movies are just made to go to a theater and hang out with other people. Yeah, but have you read what's coming out of the movie theaters where they're like, people won't stop clapping during the fucking Spider-Man movie? I love that. You love it.

Apparently audiences every time Spider-Man does anything or like Dr. Octopus shows back up they go I know that! I know that character!

That's cool. Oh that's a great part of the experience. Yeah it is. It's cool. You can't fucking hear you because they made the movie six months ago.

What do you need to hear? Spider-Man beats the bad guy. Whoopty fucking do. Buy the fucking popcorn. To tell the rest of the audience that you also like Spider-Man? Why don't you just all write each other a note at the beginning of the movie that goes, we all like Spider-Man. We all like Rihanna. You need to confirm it through fucking animal

noises the entire way through. Are you at a wedding doing this shit? Why are you guys clapping? They're just getting married. They knew they were here to get married. If fucking Tobey Maguire was in the theater, I would understand. You look at him and give him an affirmative nod

and go, all right, Tobey knocked it out of the park. The guy running the projector is there. Oh, the guy who presses the button. Yeah, motherfucker. He was really putting

in the legwork. Stop clapping. Stop cheering. Okay, but that's not... Fuck this overpriced corn shit. You try to get a seat near somebody Too expensive is your problem The snacks are too expensive

The snacks the tickets Come on they're not that much It's Biden's fault all the inflation It is Biden's fault Tickets are too expensive Food's too expensive Food's bad The screens

You get a little bigger screen now Your seats are a little nicer But here's the thing is that I just think They keep singing about this fucking What do you want to sit in your home? Yes And what?

Watch a shitty movie by yourself I can create my own experience I can invite people over. No, you know what? I watched the Matrix movie. I put it on. My girlfriend said, oh, the new Matrix movie.

And that's all I heard was new Matrix movie. I was like, hey, guess what? It's on Amazon Max and I'm playing right now. I'll show you, you bitch. Not only did she walk out

in the middle, but then later she said I wasn't even paying attention at all. Yeah. But if I would have dragged I wasn't even paying attention at all. Yeah. But if I would have, if I would have dragged her ass to the theater to see that. She would have had to watch the shitty Matrix movie.

She would have sat there and watched it. And then we both could have talked about how bad it was. And that they should have got the guy from the first movie to direct it. Right. Instead of this lady, this ugly lady. So essentially the movie theater experience is you're locked into a box and you're not allowed to leave. I can replicate that in my house.

And you can't be on your phone. Sure. Not legally. No, I'll make a closet. You're only allowed to watch movies in the closet and I'll let you out when they're done. How's that? Well, I just don't understand why I can't watch Spider-Man on my fucking computer because I don't

want to go to the theater and deal with this shit. It's not that important a movie. You can watch it on your computer. Yeah, I downloaded like a shitty Chinese camera rip that every 10 minutes interrupts with, Did you know Spider-Man good at poker? You play online poker for big money. And I'm like, is this part of the movie? I don't.

Yeah. It's cool. It's an interesting character. This recurring character they've invented. He's telling me about online poker. It's a fun addition to the movie. Dr. It's cool. This recurring character they've invented is telling me about online poker. It's a fun addition to the movie. Dr. Poker Stars. Yeah, Dr. Poker Stars.

Exactly. It's a cool. Spider-Man has weird. Spider-Man's all about the villains. Yeah. And Dr. Poker Stars is a great villain. He's always interrupting Spider-Man whenever he tries to do anything cool. Yeah.

No. I want to just watch the movie from my head. Just give me the option. If everybody else wants to get. If the movie from my hand just give me the option if everybody else wants to get if the movie theater experience is so important it is okay then why why why do you need to force people to uh take this important thing why not what do you mean force people because if you if you offer the movie digitally yeah uh then people have the option like hbo max if they react sucks though, okay

But I'm allowed to make the option if it sucks. Why do you have to? You need the experience about the experience. It's funny though. It's a fuck with you. Yeah, it is. That's why yeah He's wanna make me miserable his ass out here I'm like man I could be eating like a nice pizza right now I could pause the movie when I need to take one of my famously hard shits that rips my Part gotta stop eating this popcorn. You gotta stop eating popcorn. Yeah. You gotta stop eating all this corn.

Well, corn is terrible. When's the last time you went to a theater to see a movie? I think the last movie I saw in a theater was Black Widow. You saw that in a theater? I did not. What did you think that was gonna be, that movie? I didn't know that it was gonna be, I didn't know it was on Disney+.

I thought it was only in the theater. you wanted to see Black Widow so bad that you went to a fucking movie I went to I was going to make a review of it I made a movie review I see I did it for work well what if your what if your reviews were showing up in a theater then what would you say then I would say the movie theater experience why would anyone go to a movie theater to watch a review what are you talking about what do you what because they had to oh wait you had to They had to line up around the block To see what you thought about The Matrix cinematic failure

I also went to the premiere of Suicide Squad Which was a great movie The new one with John Cena? It was great, I got to go to the premiere Because of my buddy at Lewis From Nukethefridge.com If you ever want to go to any of these premieres Let Let me know he's always got tickets. No, I hate going to theaters

Alright that was a good one give yourself a ding for that one buddy Okay, what was my What was my last problem I had I'm gonna do I already talked about My stupid eye thing though Blindness Yeah

Blindness Right It's not something To laugh about I see you laughing I'm laughing I'm smiling Cause you're laughing

I'm smiling at how Disrespectful you're being Because it makes me Uncomfortable That's why I'm smiling Sure You're laughing I'm laughing at how disrespectful you're being because it makes me uncomfortable. That's why I'm smiling sure you're laughing I'm laughing at something else. It's not the boy what at a blind guy falling down the stairs Of course not Never laughing laughing at that now

Not at all. I'm almost crying at how inappropriate Appropriate my yeah, you're laughing at a blind guy with his little stick. See? It's so... That's bullshit. This is not related to the blind man. It's just something I thought of. Don't make the little stick motion.

Well, he's doing it. Yeah. I knew a blind guy like that in college. You had a stick like that. I think a lot of them have a stick like that. I think that's pretty common. They have a dog, too? Yeah. They get a dog. What's

the problem? A little white dog. That's a bonus. Approximately 12 million people 40 years and over in the United States have vision impairment, including a million who are blind. How about that? There's what? Partial blindness? Full blindness? That's more people than had COVID.

Is it? Or died of it. Something. You always say that and you don't bring the actual numbers. Because who cares? I know, but you can't do that with every problem. You can't go, this one it is.

That's more than COVID. This 40 years, 12 million people. That's more people than died of COVID in the world. 40 years and over. I don't know why that's in there. Why would they put a stat like that? And this is the CDC, once again, jimmying numbers to fit whatever fucking narrative. I want you to know there's even more blind people if you take into account children, right?

But 40? Why did they pick that age? 3 million who have had vision impairment. I brought this in because I was blind today. Yeah. And I was blind today getting my eyes checked out because my family was haranguing me to go do it. Because my dad had both of his retinas detached. So it's like super important to him that i not that i get this

looked at as soon as possible um they put all this goo in your eyes and you can't see shit yeah so i'm trying to fucking do twitter like yeah fucking tense like putting it on a thing like well can twitter read can i have twitter read this shit to me? Yeah. I can't, I guess I'm just out. That was it. I guess I'm just fucking out. And I cranked up the size of the text as far as it would go and bounced it off a fucking mirror in my house to be able to see it. Why don't you just use like a,

can you watch it on your TV or something? Cause I couldn't fucking figure out how to do it. Everything's like arrows and hamburgers. I'm like, what the fuck is this shit? So I thought, I'm just going to fuck it. I'm not going to try to do anything or talk to anybody or work on the stuff for the show. I'm just going to look at pornography. Bro.

Yeah. If you're blind, what's the only thing that makes life worth living? Pornography. You can't even enjoy pornography. There's nothing else. Even the poorest people in the world can have pornography. They can draw it on the side of caves and poop. Etch it into the dirt.

Draw it in the dirt. Draw big wieners on whatever they want. Blind people cannot enjoy the only thing that is good and worth enjoying pornography.

To be clear, the two worst things facing... Will you stop trying to catch me on a thing? I don't even know where it went.

Yeah, good. I hope you lost it. I think if you fake get me... I think if I say to be something And you lurch on it I'm gonna get you with that other one I didn't lurch on it

From now on You're like To be clear You're saying that the It's like what Biden says though Why doesn't he say that all the time To be clear Yeah

To be clear I don't know The federal government can't fix COVID See this is the thing about You fucking right-wing guys. The guy flew away in the Mary Poppins umbrella. Did you see that? To be clear. No, because the only people who watch Biden's speeches

are you right-wing guys, and you only watch it to rip on the guy. The rest of us don't care what he's saying. I don't watch it. I just listen to what Tim Poole says he said. I just wait for one of these grifters to put it into a compilation so I can go, did you know he was reading off a teleprompter? Did he say that though? And he's actually a robot? Okay. Did he not say that the federal

government can't fix COVID and then he put an umbrella up and went, and then he flew away like Mary Poppins. I have no idea what you're talking about. I gotta go. See you guys. That's what happened. I think it's what happened. I'll have to look for the clip. To be clear, the two greatest

problems facing the blind community are lack of ability to use twitter and lack of ability to enjoy pornography yes okay you could have anything else anything else you could have a dog do what about read like a Like a newspaper You could have a dog do it Okay What about They could press They could press buttons My girlfriend got a Train your dog how to talk Gift

Yeah For Christmas Where you get a bunch of buttons They can learn like 200 words Politics Dumb War War

Dumb Politics Dumb Lose weight You stuck that one in there yeah women i switched i i put food there was a food one yeah and she trained it to hit food and then i swapped the voice recording for fat but she knows it's the same place all right so she keeps clicking on it yeah i didn't really do that that'd be good though um you don't want to confuse your poor dog. You could train a dog to read the paper.

What else? What else you got? Read a contract. Get a lawyer to do that. I'm going to read a contract? I don't know what the fuck I'm reading. Identify if there's a threat coming your way, like an oncoming bus. A bus?

A dog can definitely do that. Yeah. Okay. I mean, wait, that actually they do. That is part of it. That wait, that actually they do. I mean, that is part of it. That's the only thing they do. But I'm saying it's still a problem for them, you know, if you don't have a dog. How about this?

Yeah. If you're blind, not only, you got to vote on this, by the way, people. You got to vote on whether or not blindness is a bigger problem than vetoes poop Right, then having your asshole turned inside out in a horrific body horror scenario Yeah, because you're not eating enough vegetables Or you're getting older, as we all do Or you're getting real old You can't fuck with people on Twitter, number one

No pornography You cannot see anyone getting hurt Any videos? Yeah that lady smashing the grapes up. Yeah falling off the grapes and then going Oh Blind guys like Why are we what is it? Is she? What if she see a baby or something? Why is she making that noise? You're like, ah.

She fell off. It's just not the same. Right. You could shoot that video. You could explain that video 10 million times to a blind person. They'll go, I don't get it. It's never as funny as seeing the 700-pound woman fall down the stairs. Yeah.

A guy getting nailed right in his nuts. Everyone's just blowing up laughing hysterically. I think that I just feel like there's challenges the blind community face

beyond Not really. pornography. Not really. They have all their books. an erotic novel on tape. Erotic novel? Yeah.

You could read an erotic novel. Yeah, with Brio. I want to see some big old boobies flopping around. Well, you could experience big old boobies. You could get a neurotic novel. Yeah, with Braille. You could see some big old boobies flapping around. Well, you could experience big old boobies. No.

No. It's not as good as watching it in a pornography. Those bitches have those big old boobies on lock every year. Yeah. You gotta take them to the movies to get those out, but the movie theaters are all shut down because of COVID.

And you don't know if your girlfriend's fucking ugly, as was the classic Curb Your Enthusiasm episode. You ever see that one? Was it? Yeah, there's a great one where he meets a blind guy, and the blind guy's like, isn't she great? She used to be a model.

And Larry David's looking at her, and he goes, hmm. Ah. And then kind of eventually lets him in, and he goes, yeah, you know, she's not that good looking. The blind guy is devastated. Devastated. Devastated. Devastated. That's probably happening every day. Ray Charles used to shake women's hands

by like grabbing their wrists to see if they were big. Oh, to see their lump. Yeah, that was what I took away. Is that a real story? Well, that was in his biopic. That's what I learned from his biopic. He grabs the wrist to find out if they're fat. He used to shake women's arms to see if they were fat.

And he would grab them and go, ha, ha, ha. I would think being blind presents you with opportunities to inadvertently grope a woman. You go, oh, yeah.

Me too, but they would probably still kick your ass. How are you going to kick a blind guy's ass? Because some dummy is going to jump out of his chair somewhere and go,

how dare you grab that lady's boobies? Bah! And try to grab the boobies. He's going to think you just have cool Matrix sunglasses. He doesn't know that you're blind. Hold on. Let me do this in my Matrix sunglasses. Okay.

Number three problems facing the blind. You look terrible in those What do you mean I look terrible? You gotta get them on straight I look blind How would I even know? Are you doing an impression of a blind guy right now? Stumbling to get those glasses on?

No, I bet you would love that I would Number one No access to Twitter Yeah Number two No access to pornography Number three. Number two, no access to pornography. Number three, can't see people getting hurt.

Right. What is even the point of life? My God, you're right. I'm really getting blind pilled today. Well, because everybody talks about, like, oh, wow, I saw a sunset for this trip. Like, I don't give a fuck about no sunset ever. Really? I've seen some good sunsets.

Really? Yeah. If I said, here's a sunset or I got this new video just dropped of a guy doing a pogo stick and a big fuck up happens.

You say, oh, let me see that. You want to see a sunset on like Mars? Or you want to see this fat lady falling down the stairs and she's carrying ten pizzas? Right.

And then she falls in one of the pizzas, and she comes up, and someone calls her Pizza the Hut. Which, you know, sounds funny, but it's better if you can see it. And it's all over her, right? Yeah, it's all over her. Yeah. The blind guy goes, what does Pizza the Hut look like? And you go, oh, my God. Yeah, exactly.

He's living in a nightmare blindness blindness is a problem the biggest problem it's bigger than any of your shit that you brought in this week well not as big as these horrific turds okay what are our problems lives uh my problems were big poops that rip open your butthole okay Big poops And The movie theater experience Mine's blindness And What was the other one? Going back to work

Going back to work Going back to work Okay Go to patreon.com Slash biggest problem To support the show Biggestproblem.show To vote on these problems

We're gonna do a bonus episode Right after this Yes It's gonna be a year in review Biggest problem Yes. It's going to be a year in review. Biggest problem of 2021. I think we're doing a year in review bonus episode, which you can listen to on the Patreon. Okay, cool. Let's do some voicemails. Let's do it.

Oh, fuck. I put these on. I can't see now. Do you need help? I think I have it. Here we go. Yeah, you hit the nail on the head with the Craigslist complainers. Boom. I tell you fucking what.

Facebook Marketplace has been the worst thing for selling things online ever because they made it fucking too easy to just blab at somebody. You know, I fucking sell things on there, and people are giving me, like, lowball offers, like like half the price a quarter of the price before they even show up and look at the fucking thing it's goddamn ridiculous i've sold two motorcycles and a car on there and every single time they're offering me like a thousand dollars under they're offering me half the price just right up front without saying anything to me they don't say hi hello they just go know, fucking 900.

Oh yeah. They just send you a number. What the fuck are you talking about? What the fuck do you want? Why do you want them to give you more than hi, hello? And then they take a thousand dollars off the price and they're like, oh, well, I mean, it was like, you know, this many thousand before. So, you know, if I subtract one, it's not that much off. It's barely anything. Dude, it's a thousand fucking bucks. That's a lot of money. Go fuck yourself i got a new system i put all the details they need in the post if anyone offers me anything lower i just say no and if they ask any questions about the condition

or anything i go the details are in the post hmm and then i go here's my number here's my address if you want to come over text text me. That's it. It's been going a little bit smoother. Better? But I still get these guys who, you know, you put up a PS5, which I think right now sells for like $800. Yeah. Which I'm not like biting it.

I'm like, I got it. I don't need it. If somebody wants to buy it. So I put it up. I'm like, if somebody's stupid enough to pay $800 for it, I'll sell it. Yeah. And you get a guy and he's like, how about $300? Did I tell this already? And I tell him. No. Yeah. And I go, yeah, yeah, I'll sell it. And you get a guy and he's like, how about $300? Did I tell this already?

And I tell him. No, no. Yeah, and I go, yeah, yeah, let's do it. Let's do it. And he goes, oh, cool, where do you want to meet? And I'm like, can you meet me at the Blockbuster? Yeah. The Blockbuster video?

He's like, where is that? I'm like, oh, it's right, you know, it's right near the fucking Caldors and the. Right near the Sears. Yeah, it's right near the big Kmart. Yeah, all that shit that's been gone for years. And then eventually it goes. Near the Waldorf's. Yeah.

I told him to meet me at the Blockbuster video, and he literally texts back, can you just give me the address? And I'm like, all right. Here's the coordinates. Actually, it's a riddle. Yeah. If you solve my wizard riddle, you can buy my PS5 for half of list price. Okay, here's another one.

Fletching. Ah. Fletcher. Fletch. Isn't that a movie? Fletcher. Fletch lives, yeah. Fletcher. Felcher. Fletcher. I hear Felcher. He's describing Fletch. He's describing

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