The Biggest Problem in the Universe - Episode 4 - The Shame Flags of Regret

Episode Date: June 28, 2021

Too Much Pride, Child Advocates, Regret, The Minimum Wage

Go, go, go, stop, stop, stop. We don't do a cold open on this show. There we go. It's a nightmare already. It's all ready. It's already been. Ladies and gentlemen! Welcome!

I am your host, Dick Masters, and the only show in the house yet that ranks all the problems in the universe from apologies to China to powder puff girls' vaginas. I'm your host, Dick Masters, and joining me for this very inaugural fourth episode is my co-host, who will always be here and 50 owner of this program just so there's no issues with that later veto when one of us backstabs the other one veto just waldy hi dick how are you oh amazing always excited to be here on my behind my show on your show on your channel generously donated to us that's true oh welcome to the biggest problem in the universe everybody uh okay how did we used to do this i mean how do we how

what is our plan for this brand new property of a show let's get we do the it's who won right two one what who won the last show i won the last one well wait a minute i have to do this drum roll yeah hold on biggest problem that, by the way. That's where you can go. Here it comes. Pretty good drum roll. Are you ready? Am I supposed to announce this? Who does this? No, I got a I got like a 10 minute long drum roll.

Alright, the winner last week, or the problem that had the most votes, was Chinese Aparage. Chinese Aparage, his biggest problem in the universe. You're going to lose, man. What? I'm stopping Asian hate.

I'm on very good behavior. Yeah. Because I'm on somebody else's channel. Right. Like, so you do you. I'm off the wagon at this point. Don't feel like just because you're in the studio, you can say whatever you want. Roll your L's into R's and paint your face green or whatever you wanted to do last time.

Coming in after that was disinformation. That was you. I'm a little dirty. Brainy. Yeah. Of my own ass problem. Then edgy reboots. That was me.

of my own ass problem uh then edgy reboots that was me um somebody said that wicked was the first edge yeah i think that's a good that's like well there's been other stuff like that in the past but i guess of the modern reimagining the what if the villain was the main character oh god i watched that cruella movie it's whatever it's so it has nothing to do with the original thing. It's like a totally different. It's like, oh, but there's dogs in it. Yeah, but it's like a whole fashion movie. It's dumb.

It's dumb. It's very dumb. Then women banging psychopaths. What do you think about it? I feel like that should have been higher. I think so, too. That seems like a legitimate problem. You know what the problem is?

First of all, I didn't hit record on this. That's a problem. That's a problem. You know what the problem is? First of all, I didn't hit record on this. That's a problem. That's a problem. The second problem is all guys think that they're the lucky psychopath. Right? Yeah. Like being a psychopath in today's modern era is synonymous with being a bad boy.

Well, I don't know what it is that attracts these women to... They think they can fix them. That's always the thing, right? I don't'm gonna i'm gonna take this on they want the untamed beast but they believe they can tame that beast yeah and then he goes and he stabs him in the throat and he didn't he didn't tame anything he just became his latest victim uh the gentleman sausage said oh cool another opportunity for me to complain about the 60 shares of Shopify I sold at $95. I think that was for... What is Shopify?

Like 2,000 a share now? Probably. And there's other stuff. All right. Do you want to get us started on the problems this week? Let's roll right into it, it seems like. Another 10-minute drum roll? Yeah, let's...

No, no, no, no, no, no. No! Now, Dick, for this one, you are going to have to bring up my lovingly prepared slides okay powerpoint um but well i get let me let me lead into it uh right now what is it pride month pride month's ending yeah i love pride i love pride mostly what do you like about pride specifically i think people should celebrate who they are, you know, do whatever you want to do. Absolutely. I'm just going to say my problem is a little too much pride. There's a little too much pride these days.

Yeah. Now, I don't know if you know the classic pride flag, the rainbow, as we can see. Do you want me to pull it up for everybody? If you can pull it up in case, let's refresh people's memory here. Just in case they don't know what you're talking about. Now, the pride flag, that's a classic design i believe dating back to 70s 80s i should have put it on there rainbow but as we can see there are six colors there's red orange yellow green blue and purple yeah very simple very lucky charms lucky charms very colorful you see that hanging in the window of a shop you, that's a friendly shop for me and

my gay brothers. My gay friends. Yeah. I know if I get my coffee in here, it's not going to be laced with homophobia. Yeah. They're not going to angrily come into it. Right. Take this, you Qs.

Right? Exactly. It's encompassing. It's friendly. It's a great little something. But for some reason lately, we've decided that the rainbow should have a little something more why don't we go why don't we go down a little bit it's not enough it's not saying the entire light spectrum separated all of everything all photons and matter as we know it

is not enough to express how much pride that the gay community needs and it's still not enough represents every color is missing colors, is what we have learned. Okay, let's go to the next one. Let's go down a little bit. Okay, now this is the new pride flag. You've probably seen this around. It is caught on much faster than it probably should have.

Of course, we have the white, pink, and blue of the transgender community. Now, wait a minute. I don't... Is that what that is? That is. That's the transgenders are represented by the first part of that triangle. What does the blue represent? Well, just blue, pink, and white is their colors, I think.

So the trans people took the baby... The baby colors. Baby gender colors. Yeah. And used what you're definitely not supposed to do with them that's their yeah i don't know the exact thought but baby blue and baby plank pink with white in the middle i guess the idea that you know when a child is born you don't know which way they're gonna go and at any point they could swap it out all right you know and let's not

forget of course about the the truly colors, the black and the brown. As the designer Daniel Quasar said, the goal was to emphasize what is important in the current community climate, namely the inclusion of black, brown, and trans people who are long marginalized by the mainstream LGBTQ plus movement. The idea, of course, being that the traditional rainbow, which includes all colors, was missing some colors. So black people are all gay? Is that what that...

There's gay... Brown people? Mexicans are all gay? Mexicans, yes. Did the guy who made this think we're all like Luis... What's that guy's name? Luis Quinsano? The guy with the Q beard in anger management.

No, I have no idea what you're talking about. I think it's, was he gay? I don't know. He's a gay man. I don't know. Well, he's on this flag now. Acting silly. Wiggling his hands all the way.

Yeah. Now, did you think it ended here, Dick? Did you think this was the end of the, uh, the, the pride flag evolution? Um, just looking at it logistically, logistically, it looks like we're running out of ideas. Did you think this was the end of the pride flag evolution? Just looking at it logistically, it looks like that arrow is just shoving its way in. It looks like the trans people in the back have put darker skinned individuals in front of them by color as a wedge and are using it to cram their shit into the rainbow space which also means peace.

That's how I so yeah I would think they would You're like black guys get us in here. If we fall behind you Get behind the darkies. Yeah.

Operation get behind the darkies. Have you ever heard of the Emancipation Proclamation? I don't listen to rap music. Let's scroll down Dick. I don't listen to hip hop. I don't listen to hip hop. Damn scroll down Dick I don't listen to hip hop Damn it I messed up a South Park quote

Okay go down what's next Now here You thought they were done But they're not now this is real This is adding on to This is the intersex Addition to The trans pride flag Which has added The intersex addition to the trans pride flag,

which has added the intersex logo, which is a purple circle thing on a yellow background, which has some sort of an implication. Why is the circle? I don't know. Because they're... Okay, who's the circle? Let's start there.

The circle is... I got that the trans people are the traditional baby colors. Yeah. Baby blue and baby pink and white. The intersex people are the purple. Someone to keep the other colors from molesting them. Yeah, well, the intersex people want to be left alone, I guess. Okay.

Here's the point. Well, I mean, he says the intersex people are underrepresented. You know, the previous problem was the trans people were underrepresented. Then the black and the brown people were underrepresented. At a certain point, everyone's underrepresented. How about we just keep the rainbow again where the idea is everybody's in here. There's no red people. There's no orange people.

There's no purple people. That was not the point of the flag. The point of the flag was we're all together as a thing. But they just got to keep, we're all together as a thing but they just gotta keep it's we're all together as a thing also black people are here well why were they not part of the original thing that's kind of more racist offensive isn't it racist to assume that the black people previously were not included ah yeah oh well the black people weren't a part of this before we gotta give them a separate no this is insanity and brown that's mexican right right they should

have put a little mexican flag on that strip i guess not only wait we're furries intersex people well here's the other thing is that not only do we see the evolution of the traditional pride flag but why don't we scroll down one more okay oh there's more than this oh there's more you got your little thumb hole up here yeah for holding For holding your pride? For holding your partner tight when you're, you know, getting your way in there. Wow. And they're proud of the most basic thing that animals can do, right?

Having sex with each other? Yeah. Having sex with anything. Right? Well, you have two boy dogs. But technically, asexual people are a part of it too, and they don't even have sex. Do we have to pretend that that shit is real? According to the new acronyms, yes.

Because pride, again, there's too much of it. At a certain point, do you have to be proud of every single possible way you can fuck? Because here we go. Whoa! Here are all of the new pride flags. Oh, wow! For every occasion. Of course, we have the traditional gay pride. go. Here are all of the new pride flags for every occasion. Of course, we have the traditional gay pride. There's leather pride.

Sure. Sure. Bear pride. Of course. Lipstick lesbian. They're not very creative, though. These flags. No, they're all just stacks of colored bars. You'd think they would sit down and be like, come up with some stuff. Yeah. Yeah, something cool. Leather. Let's put a leather daddy like that Swedish artist that draws like that.

Oh, Tom of Finland. Yeah. Really homo, erotically charged. Just a dude with a cap. Yeah. Lifted it up. Or at least like a ferocious bear, like, you know, snarling at you like a sports team. The lesbian pride one's kind of cool.

It's a battle axe inside of a triangle. I don't know exactly what that is You slap that on the back of a U-Haul Yeah Two left of that's one you're gonna like though Two hockey sticks Lesbian pride Absolutely

Two gigantic thighs Just slamming together Gigantic calves Crossed over Speaking of that dick What is two left of the lesbian Jolly Roger Sorry

I think that one's for you. Fat fetish pride? There you go. If you got fat problems, you might have a fat fetish. Everyone's represent- You gotta stop having so much pride. Just have the rainbow! That was enough pride for everybody! Wait a minute, wait a minute. The polyamorous

pride is a pie symbol? Yeah, I have no idea what that means. Well, that's 3.1. You can't round pie down. Is that what they're doing? Because it's more than two. But it's specifically like 0.14 whatever more than two.

But maybe it's saying because it goes on infinitely so you can have as many partners in the same way that pie goes on. Oh, I see. That's a little bit clever, actually, now that I think about it. Well, alright. The point is, Dick, do we need a flag? You should have asked me what to do. Do we need a flag for every possible occasion?

Yeah, what else are you gonna do? I don't know. No one's working right now. Sit around and design flags? Look, I'd rather these guys be doing arts and crafts than molesting children. Oh, what is this actually go down? What's that fascist looking one because that one's pretty uh intense

Masters drag know the drag pride one looks kind of Nazi ish. Oh, yeah. No, that looks like Zelda isn't that the Looks like the thing that holds the Triforce. It looks to me like what do you call it? Starship troopers for some reason. Starship Troopers have a thing like that. Master Slave Pride's pretty badass. Is the master the standing up one? And then the three slaves?

Is he banging three slaves? I don't know. I'm trying to figure it out. I thought your slaves shouldn't be having pride though, right? Well, he's proud of being a slave. Not mine. No, you want him to, right? Well, he's proud of being a slave. Not mine. No, you want him to be ashamed? Well, that's true.

There is shame involved in some of these fetishes. I want him to be answering my emails. That's what I get off on. I'm going to beat off. If you start answering my emails, I'm going to beat off for like three hours and watch an episode of House. Maybe instead of pride flags,

we could have shame flags. That would be good. That's a good idea. Fat shame flag. Like flags you own, but you don't want to display. You just look at it to remind you like, Oh God,

that's true. Furry shame flag. My son's a furry shame flag. You fly it. Cause you're right. I disappointed in your son in middle school, my son's an honor roll. My honor student is a furry. And then like a frowny face.

Yeah, that'd be cool. I'm trying to figure out what the rubber pride one is. It's like a cool like electro wave band kind of thing. Yeah, they went wild. Rubber pride. Is there a, where's the map pride? Oh, unfortunately I included it on here. I forgot to put the map pride. Is there a... Where's the map pride? Oh, unfortunately, I included it on here. I forgot to put the map pride one on there.

Did you see people got mad at me because I put that in my profile picture? Yeah. I'm just trying to show pride for all things. I made some. Do you have more? The only other thing that I mentioned is just not only with the flags, they keep extending it. Like, it's the same exact theory if you go down a little bit for the uh the acronym the acronym was so simple lgbt yeah we knew what

it was and then they added a plus and you're like yeah all right a plus all right i'm into it uh then we got to lgbt iqa plus which is lesbian gay gay, bisexual, transgender, intersex, queer, questioning, asexual. In Canada, they have LGBTQ2. Two is two spirit for the Native American community who believes they are two. I'm not going to try and summarize what it is because I'll probably get something like two chicks. You said it.

I didn't say it. They have two spirits inside them. If a guy's like a polyamorous flag and then a chick comes, and he's like, oh, well, I'm polyamorous, so I hope you know that I'll be banging two chicks. She's like, well, I'm actually two chicks. And then he goes, I respect that, and my needs are totally fulfilled now. Yeah. Or it's a multiplication. If you bang two two-spirits, you're technically having sex with four people.

If you bang two two-spirits, you're technically having sex with four people. And then, of course, the best acronym of all, which would be LGBTQQIP2SAA, which, of course, is lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, questioning, queer, intersex, pansexual, two-spirit, androgynous, and asexual. Yeah. So maybe just go back to the rainbow and the LGBT, and I'll give you the plus you can keep the plus i think the plus is good that's your dad's pride flag though you don't you don't want to be is that the problem the boomers came up with it you don't want to be taking dicks up the ass going around looking for a nice big penis to put up your ass and then wait thinking about your dad taking a penis up his ass right i will then fine but fine, but why does it got to have a-

It's still the old pride flag. You just put more shit on it. Then come up with a whole different flag. No, no, no. That's what it is. I don't need more letters and numbers and whatever and little icons as nonsense. Just write, I'm not thinking about my dad's taking a penis up his ass.

I don't think that was what was, you think that's to go through their head when they're redesigning the flag? Yeah. This is for old people. Like, Oh, here's a, here's a,

like your dad comes to you and you come out as a, like dad, I'm gay. And he's like, awesome. Here's my, this is where I met your father. Here's my tattered pride flag. Take it to the gay pride parade and meet someone like your dad.

Yeah. Who my love have loved. Who we fought together for equality. Yeah. And, you know. You don't want that. Lived and died. They don't want to pay.

They want a whole new thing. It's like your mom gives your wife her wedding dress. It's like, I don't want to. Come on. I don't want to think about this. Yeah. Get a new one. Zazz it up. Why don't we just

give it a flag entirely and you can have like a whole pride NFT or some sort of cryptocurrency. That's the future. Whoever has the most pride coins has the most pride in general and is crown king of the gays. They're working on that right now. Is that what they're doing? The crown prince of the, yeah.

The queen of the gays. I would collect queer coins. I would have fun with that Is there any gay I know you're in Collectible card games Is there any gay Card games Gay card games

That you can collect Yeah There's probably There's probably something Like the power and toughness Except it's Your dick Power bottom

Yeah And Your dick in their ass Yeah No but there should be I had a buddy who made a game Well there actually There's two games

One was just about Trying to stop tentacle rapes But then my buddy made one Called a consenticle Which is about Trying to negotiate A consensual It's about

How to negotiate Consensual relationships With tentacle monsters Here's I've got some bad news for you I have some biggest problem flags Yes That I put together here.

This is called the Appalachian American pride flag. Oh, okay. You've seen that? I don't think we need to represent that. I don't think, I think that's already well represented. You don't think moonshining and running from the law and getting out of jams is something to be proud about? This is my pride flag.

They should put like blacks. Why don't they put black stripes on that? And then it's fine because it represents everybody. Duke boys are going to have to butt fuck their way out of this one You don't see you don't see any black or brown people wedging their way in on this no I was gonna say there's no there's No black triangle coming in on the Appalachian pride flag. Here's a traditional. There you have a traditional rainbow. That's beautiful Great

Just six simple colors. I don't know about that one. I'm not so sure. I don't know what this is. I was just having fun with the colors. I was just putting colors up. I like these colors. It's pretty fun. Some of those called to you.

They called to me. I was just having fun, like I said. Being silly, having Having a you know Doodling You don't read into You don't look at my doodles And go like wow What a

I feel like I feel like we can save that logo For a special occasion For Pride Month We're ending Pride Month With a bang Oh you got the You got the triangle

Vito we're ending Pride Month With a little bang With a little Oh god I got the what I see on the left You got the blank You got the whole thing Oh yeah The the left, you got the blank.

You got the whole thing. Oh, yeah. The whole... This is for you. I don't have that circle, though. Exactly. So you're not updated on all the things. Okay, so why do you think this is a problem? I think it's just giving people the wrong things to focus on.

We should be focused on not individualistic, every individual thing. You got to celebrate every little tiny thing about you the whole point of pride is it's one collective huzzah for being yourself what it's not about your individual black brown trans glory okay okay you don't need your own everybody if everybody has their own flag we're not together we we everybody everybody's a part of pride a is for ally that's part of it oh it's not for asexual it's also for asexual it's running double duty which seems like cheating but that's what they say the point is i think i think they won i think you just kind of when you win the

war you just put the flag down right right you don't need to keep waving it around Yeah When every job is Hey, we're looking for a gay right now Yeah If you're not gay, hit the bricks, pal How many flags do you need is the question You don't need that many I don't know You as an individual How many flags do you have that represent different things you like?

That slime one Sitting behind you Okay, so that's one You got one These guys got like ten different flags You don't You just pick one thing about yourself you like and run with it Yeah Alright behind you okay so that's one you got one these guys got like 10 different flags you don't you just pick one thing about yourself you like and run with it yeah all right we'll see it's too much

pride too much pride too much i agree with that right is that the that's the problem that's the problem okay too much too much pride write that down too much pride where can we vote on this uh biggest problem dot show fantastic biggest problem dot show go there to vote go there to get the rsa rss feed subscribe on uh itunes everything let's take a look at the uh did any super chats come in let's see i don't want to miss anybody oh we did get some we had right is that is that say riley and friends yep biggest problem hype thank you riley and friends and z's meal and movie says holy asterix. Could have been anything.

It's Dick Masterson. Could have been. Don't they flag you from saying dick? Yeah, they usually do. Oh, that's in like the chat. That's super annoying. There's got to be a way to turn that off. Okay, here's my problem.

My first problem. This one might hit kind of home to to some people veto so yeah get ready if you need a tissue is this one gonna hit me you said is this another fat one all your problems are gonna be fat problems did you know that oh you know this uh this week's problem is just guys that just can't stop eating all right all right. I get it. I'll go on a diet Lord it is oh here. They say more holy shit Egg-voss egg-voss is gay flags gay flag. He's nice gay flags is the problem and then Scott gobel. I can't read you Can you I gotta move this up? Yeah something? What do you mean? We should good, okay? Here's my Here's my problem.

Imagine if you're one of the guys that's going to, you're going to go to the moon, but instead of just being a team player, like all the other astronauts, you said, oh, no, I only want to go to the moon myself. I don't want anyone else in the moon spaceship with me.

Only me. And we're like, buddy, what if something goes wrong? Don't you want us inside checking all the dials and stuff? No, only me. Right? Yeah. Or you're like going to be in a big band and somebody goes, no. Same sounding guy says no i don't want anyone else getting my fans

i've been performing on my own for a long time right as much as i i don't get as much as i used to i don't get as much attention as i used to but i'm not sharing it with anyone else like it's a pretty good band you team up people seem to like the way we sound together we could team up and go make them go big make it even bigger you've got skills I've got skills yeah no not me okay and then you know what happens somebody else comes and takes your spot in the fucking band and you're consumed with regret. It's my problem. Oh, my God. Regret.

I've got stats on regret. I'd love to hear them. Do you want to hear? Yeah. People who mess up out on opportunities for their own pig-headedishness. Yeah. For whatever reason that might be. Sure.

You're consumed with regret for the rest of it. It never goes away yeah i'm sure you have regrets selling stocks too early yeah missing out on a little bit of money missing out on some crypto boats or whatever but imagine it as really the sky's the limit on regrets like a margin call on life you could go all in with your attitude, with your shitty attitude, and your stubbornness, and you could fuck up, you could fuck the, what you miss out on is infinite. You see what I'm saying? What you miss out on.

It could go so much higher than you never even dreamed of. Christopher Columbus had a brother. Did you know that? I did not. Did he say, hey, I'm gonna get on this boat tomorrow. Do you wanna come? It's gonna be pretty sweet. His brother was very stubborn.

Big guy. They called him the Mad Ox. Oh, yeah. Columbus. Wow. He said, I'm going to the new world. What do you think? You wanna come with? Yeah. You wanna do it? He's like, I was already going. I was going to the new world what do you think you want to you want to come with yeah you want to do it and he's like i was already going i was going to the new world too but i'll just go myself i've got a i'm building my own boat i don't want you taking any vacations we're we're hemorrhaging money i'll go a whole network of boats I'm working on It's a whole network

And everyone's gonna wanna be on my boats I don't wanna go on your boat Is that what you're saying? Something like that? Yeah Yeah Regret Somehow that network of boats never got built

By Columbus's brother Never left the Never left the harbor Never left the harbor Never left the station Here we go I have a study on regret And I got a stats for you

A meta-analytic summary Jesus Christ We see what Americans I actually have some funny stuff for this We see what Americans' six biggest regrets are Let me uh Let me pull this up Oh god

Of course it's the sloppiest show possible When Sean's not here to fix, when Sean's refusing to fix any of it. we're getting the format figured out. Bear with us, folks. Study on regret.

Oh, oh, oh. There we go. There we go. I had a bunch of other jokes written here, too. Like, did you know Guns N' Roses, original name was

Guns N' Roses and Banana Doctors? No, I didn't know that. But the Banana Docs were... Sorry. I really made that joke work. Oh! Okay, what we regret mostly in Rye.

Here's what people regret. What they report regretting in life. Education. Was 30... That they did not get an education or that they'd only get just in general? Just in general. That encompasses a lot of different things. Probably that they got it, right?

Either that they got it or they regret that they didn't get the right one. A third of people! Yeah. That's a lot. That's a lot of regrets. It makes sense. It makes sense that that would be a top one. Something you can't even fix. Where are you going to go? After a certain point, you're you're not gonna go back to school too much work to do too much internet to go on every yeah 22 percent of people said their career i'm surprised career is

not more than education they're kind of the same thing though really the education one shocked me you think but do you think it makes sense that education is above career i would think career would be more a thing people regret yeah like what is your what do you think it makes sense that education is above career? I would think career would be more a thing people regret. Yeah, like what do you think you're going to go back and get your HVAC repair degree and then you're going to be fucking swimming in broads? What's the thinking there? I don't know.

Oh, I should have been a doctor. Then everything would have been so much more stressful and you would have killed a guy on the operating table. You don't know. Yeah. Career, 22%. Romance, 50%. Man, I would have thought that would be 100% of people regretting romance.

Regretting getting into them, regretting getting out of them. You're never satisfied. Yeah, exactly. Every sexual encounter has been a nightmare from which there's no escape parenting only 10 of people oh yeah fuck your kids that came they came out and they can deal with it that should be 100 that should be 100 yeah you think people regret their kids or not having kids it goes both ways i don't think it goes that way uh and then that health is like nah that's fine.

I'm a fat piece of shit. I've dealt with it. 1% 1% of people. Everybody else is just like, yeah, fuck it. Maybe it should be not enough regrets then

is my problem. And then self-improvement. Self-improvement, the thing that you have total control over completely at all points in time From birth till Well you know

10 until death Only Only 5 95% Doing A-OK Self-improvement Yeah No regrets on self

I guess everybody just Accepts themselves huh At what age do you stop Trying to learn French That's what I want to know I've uh I've given up on trying to learn Japanese a while ago. Oh, did you try?

Yeah, I took some classes at one point. And then you realize there's three different alphabets and you have no interest in learning any of them. You just want to learn it to talk to Japanese girls? I want to play stupid video games. Man, that's a good... Read comic books. That is worth it. It is pretty cool. When we were in Japan,

they've got those six story arcades arcades yeah dude that are way more fun than I thought they would be and I thought they would be fun

but they have full on like riding Gundams yeah dude that you sit in I must I dropped and they're all connected

by netplay so you're playing with kids in arcades all around Japan and shit yeah and they got all these hot hentai whores barking orders at you. I'm like, fuck, I really wish I knew what the fuck was going on. Yeah.

Yeah, it's like when I went to a pachinko parlor and it just started lighting up and screaming at me. Yeah. And the attendant was frantically waving his arms and I think was telling me, you're about to win hundreds of dollars, don't stop. And I'm like, I'm out of money and I don't know where to get anymore. And he's like, no, keep feeding it money.

And my stupid boss is like, we got to go. We're going to be late. I'm like, I'm like, clearly this attendant is telling me I'm about to be a millionaire. You know what you're describing? That was my experience in Japan.

Regret. Regret. I regret that I let my stupid pot smoking boss drag me out of a Japanese pachinko parlor right when I was on the verge of a jackpot success. It's the biggest problem in the universe. You want to know my biggest Japanese regret? Go ahead. I went to a Japanese porn store. It's the same as the

arcades. It's like six stories, right? But in the Japanese porn store, each floor gets progressively weirder the porn you find. So the first floor is like total normy shit. Well, that's the thing. It starts getting weirder and weirder. porn you find. So the first floor is like total normy shit. Well, that's the thing. It starts getting weirder and weirder. Then you're like, women are having sex with squids

on number three. On four, they're vomiting on each other, pissing on each other, shitting on each other. I got all the way, almost to the top. But before I got to the top, there was a line of like 12 Japanese gentlemen waiting to get to the top floor. I was gonna miss the train

if I didn't get out of there. So my regret is I never learned what's on the top floor of the jet. It must be so insane. What did you think it was? I had no idea, but later a buddy told me, dude, they were probably filming a Bukkake thing

up there because they do that. They'll just like film weird public sex weird shit and you can just show up and throw it on a DVD. But I'll never know. I obsessively stalked Hitomi Tanaka's Twitter

and Instagram. Yeah. Are we there? Just in the hopes that something might You might stumble across her somewhere. You gotta be in it

to win it. I'm in Shinjuku today you're like honey I've got our day planned out we're gonna go wait in this cafe that she tweeted

about three months ago and see what happens I know her gym from the inside I stalked her training that's not weird um okay wait

I have more stats for you sex here's the worst part about regrets yeah they don't affect your behavior how about that

you're just carrying around a bunch of sadness for no reason really is that a study um yeah why'd you look at me like that sex related regrets don't change future behavior studies oh of course not yeah all those women i've butchered and murdered i still keep doing it and i can't stop myself i regret it i feel bad about it see but i'm not gonna stop participants consume me you probably have to do more yeah get rid of all those sick feelings uh participants between the ages of 8 and 18 answered it oh i don't care they were invited questionnaire on uncommitted sex then were invited to answer a second questionnaire, 4.5, your metric that you love, months later. The questions asked participants to report on feelings of regret related to casual sexual incidences,

as well as opportunities for casual sex that they might have passed up, and levels of initiative, disgust, gratification, and intoxication. and levels of initiative, disgust, gratification, and intoxication. And let's see. Basically, results showed no decrease in short-term sexual partners for participants that reported action regret. Interestingly, the results showed women were more likely than men to regret having had casual sex. That's not interesting.

While men were more likely than women to regret passing up a casual sex opportunity by either turning down a proposition or failing to follow up with it. However, such signals are often ambiguous in men. But it's not important, really. All that's important is that they didn't alter their behavior. There you go. Regrets. Yeah.

I've got a few. But then again but then again damn what's the line ah you know what song that is right i'm not gonna regret it is yeah i've had a few but then again too few to mention i did what i had to do see that's the attitude you got to have Something else Casual sex I raped my doctor I beat my wife with a spoon Good problem Dick Thank you

Regrets Passing up big opportunities Tons of money that could have been yours Tall in pursuit of that boat network And what are you doing now? Tall ships. Pretending to be a banana. A big...

I don't know what you're talking about. I have no idea to what you refer, but I understand where you're coming from. Okay. Dick, I had a video clip I want you to play. Wait, let's see. Do we need to read? Oh, we should, yeah. Check in on these super chats.

Let's see here. You go ahead and read those. Scott Goble, what do you mean should? Billy Boy Blue, hey, Masterson, right here. F you, buddy. Danger Smog, tell Dick to say hey to Sean for me. It's important. Sean's not here.

Danny Excellence says, reckon we should teach kids open heart surgery and scrap universal health care. What do you think? I mean, can't go wrong. Yeah, sure. Give him the dog. There you go. universal health care what do you think I mean you can't go wrong yeah sure throw and give him the dog there you go you'd never know when you might find another Ben Carson wow put that heart together back on your own good work to Tim five-something check out the Karen move have you seen that no I'm like a

like a Karen horror movie. And she terrorizes blank people. They're ripping off Get Out or whatever it is. You don't know anything about the Karen meme? What? I should have brought this in as a problem. It's like, it's conditioning you to accept poor service. Service, customer service gets lower.

And now if you're... Sometimes they have a point, is what you're saying? They always have a point. Well, when they're kicking like black people out of like municipal pools, not so much. But when they're arguing with a waiter. That's true. Sometimes they have. There have been times where I've been like, ah, this isn't a Karen. She's got the right idea.

Yeah. Yeah. Mato via Medio. Something. My boat costs 30 grand. It's going to be awesome. I'm looking forward to that boat. Renegade priest,

can moral clarity help with regret? I don't think so. What is moral clarity? Is that what after you nut? Is he a moral clarity? Yeah. You know the Japanese

have a term for the post-orgasm clarity? What is it? I forget the Japanese term, but it translates to wise man time, the time of the wise man. Axiom.com says, a shame the old show wasn't set up like this from day one. At least this time you're doing it right.

I don't know what old show he refers to. Me either. I have no idea. This is a brand new Enterprise, which has never been tested before. Your turn. Dick, I got a link for you if you go back to that document. Okay. What do you call it?

It's going to be a video clip, and I think this will maybe help put into perspective what I want to talk about. Wait, what document? The one with the flags. Oh, shit. Oh, here we go. What is my phone doing? Straw?

Yeah, not that one, no. Go up a little. Play this. Oh, the one called Play This. Yeah. I really got you there. I see a Thunberg. Who's this?

Here's a classic quote. Just 25 seconds to really put us in the mood of... Yeah, you can bring her up. There we go. Who is this? What does she have to say? Turbo Karen. Ready?

Yeah, you might need to bump the audio. Okay. There we go. This is all wrong. I shouldn't be up here. I should be back in school on the other side of the ocean. Yet you all come to us young people for hope. How dare you?

No, no, no, no, no. You have stolen my dreams. Now that she's 18. Well, whatever she says past that point is fine. At this point, no. Oh, man. I'm one of the lucky ones. We've stolen her dreams and we've stolen her childhood.

And this horrible, this horrible girl is a representative of the problem I brought in. Child activists need to shut up. Shut up, shut up children. Children have no means delivering us any sort of message. No one should listen to children. I'd like to bring up a problem. How could you say something so brave? You know why this entered my head?

Why? I recently went to a Burger King as I am a large individual who lives his life incorrectly. And I got my... Do you have any regrets about that? No, no, no, no. To be fair, I did pretty good.

I got a Junior Whopper. Very respectable number of calories. Not too many. Stop writing fat brain. Very respectable number of calories. Not too many. Stop writing fat brain down on a piece of paper. Junior Whopper, all right. Junior Whopper and a Diet Coke. Why? We need a why.

It's got no calories. Did you get half regular Coke? No, it's not half regular Coke. It's just all Diet Coke. All right. But you know what made me upset about the Diet Coke? What? Paper straw. Oh, dude. Paper straw. They're the worst. diet coke but you know what made me upset about the diet coke what paper straw oh dude paper

straw they're the worst they're the absolute worst but here's what you might not know are you aware that a child is responsible for this no a nine-year-old child is responsible for this the origin of the movement to ban plastic straws began with a nine-year-old boy named milo kress who i want to have murdered for ruining a good in minecraft for ruining everything he launched his 2011 campaign be straw free which launched to raise awareness about plastic waste what was his big finding dick well americans use more than 500 drinking 500 million drinking straws daily enough to fill 125 school buses can you believe it that's so horrible my god uh unfortunately this stat is nonsense oh let's take a look uh he asked he ran what we can only call 11 year old math the math of a child he asked straw

manufacturers for an estimate of the straw market in the united states per day some of them gave him a yearly estimate which he divided by 365 others gave an estimate of 500 million that was the number i stuck to because it was kind of around the middle of what they were saying. I use the statistic because it just illustrates there's too many. He doesn't even know how many straws we fucking use. He doesn't, he admits, I don't know, maybe 500 million. Sounds like a good, it's like in the middle, kind of. Not to mention that if you look through like the actual environmental harm caused by plastic drinking straws is like a goof. It's pointless. If you want to cut down on plastic usage, the last thing to worry about is freaking straws.

Yeah. So now I have to suffer because this idiotic child wants me to. Again, Greta Thunberg, even if she has an opinion on the environment, why don't we get actual scientists who have studied it? Like Bill Nye? No, not Bill Nye. Not Bill Nye.

Rose McGowan? Yeah, Rose McGowan. She's got decades of experience. Just people who know what they're fucking talking about. I know why you're using a kid to push the straw ban because then we need to go, oh, well, it's so, it's so, isn't it great

this child united us against plastic. But children are idiots. We know this. We know that children are stupid. I have a thing here. 20 laws that children would pass

if they were in charge of the world. 38% of children want free movie tickets for everyone. Should these people... That's good. That'll run pedo wood right into the ground. I support that.

Free ice cream for dinner every night. 32%. Two scoops at least. Why are we listening to these fucking morons? Kids know nothing. Cartoons should run all day long on TV. 22%. There you do. You fucking idiot. You have an entire network for that. You moron ban all plastics forever. 15%. Dude, you, do you understand what plastic is used for? 90% of your lives has a plastic involved.

Okay. Then give me your phone so I can shatter it. No more toys. No more toys. We're breaking your PlayStation. We're taking away your iPad. No more fucking Minecraft. We should not listen to children about anything. And anytime they're given a podium or a speaking

platform or allowed to give us their cute, precocious little views, it results in a net even if they're right they don't deserve the platform even if they're completely right i'll do you one better if you if you can explain your idea to a child it's a bad idea it's a bad idea that's it 100 i got this great idea we're gonna be more complicated. We're going to let everybody vote on everything. Oh, I understand that. Never mind. Scrap it.

We're going back to the old fighting system. We just don't. I'm wrestling. I don't ever want to turn on like C-SPAN and see some five-year-old up there going, well, the thing about, no, you don't know. We elect people who know. No, that's not exactly true. But we elect people whose job is pretend to know.

The nation of midwits. I at least want an adult up there for the love of God. The people Googling where is Babby formed. Yeah, yeah. Because at least adults will like, they'll look a little like sweaty. Like, oh God, I don't know. Children are still psychopaths. That's the problem.

There's some people who know something up there occasionally. No, they're not up there. No, probably not. At home going, I'm not interested in getting murdered. Let the eight-year-old handle this one. Let the eight-year-old. Kids are all, they're born psychopaths. Yes.

And some of them stop being psychopaths, but at that age, where this bitch is, screaming at an intern. I didn't say it. This. I was pointing at you. Oh, okay, yes. Where this bitch is, behind him, this woman- Right.

Is she 18 in that video? This must be. I think she was 17. She's 18 now. She's 18 now. I can say whatever I want, right? Yeah, you can say- Sure.

I mean- Legal, right? Within reason. You know what's gonna- If Matthew McConaughey would just take one for the team and seduce her

yeah the problem would be over I'm not sending my kids out there to get banged by Matthew McConaughey that's what happens to all of them

I'm not sending him to the UN to get banged by Matthew McConaughey no no non psychopath sociopath

could sit at that podium and shout how dare you at the UN like that. That's why Africa uses child soldiers. Yeah. That's why the left use liberals. They're weaponizing

children. They weaponize. Shut up liberals. Your side does it. Everybody does it. What Republican kids are there? What do you call it? There's that guy. What do you call it? Because we've got David Hogg talking about. That kid who got shot at at Parkland, but the other version of him.

The guy who said the N-word? Kevin Orland? Yeah, the one who said the N-word and didn't get to go to college. He doesn't count. That's one of yours. You've got to own that motherfucker. Saying the N-word. And if you think, what's his name?

What's that guy? He sucked, though. What's the dude who shot all those people? The Harvey Oswald? No, no, no, no. The child who was defending a gas station. Kyle something. Oh, yeah.

Kyle Rittenhouse. Oh, if you think he's not going to be doing a speaking toy, come on. They're just waiting to get... He'll probably be of age by the time they get him there, though. He lets his guns do the talking, man. He's going to walk in. He should do a truck shot. Struck shot in.

He's jutting like Yosemite man. He's going to walk in. He should do a trick shot show. He's going in like Yosemite Sam. What's up? He's just dropped to court looking like Primus. I don't think that's going to be a good look for him. I don't think that's how he wants to play that. That kid's going to jail. Everybody does it. I don't know if he will.

I don't think he'll get community service. Do we have a bet on that? We have a bet on Chauvin. We had a bet on Chauvin, which I won. Double or nothing bet. Double or nothing. What did we bet? Did we bet 50? We bet 50 bucks on Baked Alaska. And then we bet 50 on Chauvin to go double or nothing. Double or nothing on Chauvin. So Chauvin, I've won.

Okay, that's a win. Kyle Rittenhouse? I think that guy's going to jail. Oh, we gotta add that thing. You think he's gonna double or nothing? Wait, you think he is going to jail? Yeah. I gotta think about that one. Think about it. I'm gonna think about that one.

I don't want him to go to jail. I don't want him to be out fucking policing the streets. Okay, I don't want that necessarily. I do think this is an education gun that I'm shooting. He wants some shooting bullets of education. Not even bullets. He shoots diplomas out. Bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop. Happy to shoot. Shoot diplomas out. Bah, bah, bah, bah, bah, bah, bah, bah, bah, bah.

Happy to shoot. Shoot copies of the Constitution. No, no, no. Good stuff. It shoots pride flags. It shoots pride flags out. Take one home with you. We got every color.

Yeah. But the other one is if Baked Alaska goes to jail, I will be the winner. And you will owe me, what, $100? $100. Oh, come on, Baked.

You saw the news about him, though, Ryan. No,'s uh did he break his sunglasses uh baked said on a stream that the government has which makes no sense why you would say this that they're gonna give him 10 years in jail unless he agrees to be an fbi informant i'm like don't the second you say that you're not allowed to be an informant anymore that's his his genius. If you go online, you're like, well, the FBI's asking me to be an informant. Don't they then rescind the offer? You're no longer like deep cover? Nah.

Yeah. I don't think Bake Alaska would be a good... Would you be an FBI informant? Depends on what I'm getting paid, but yeah. What do you mean paid? You're not,

you're getting off from going to jail. Oh, for like a crime? Yeah. But they'll pay you in other, they don't only use people. Oh, they just a crime? Yeah. But they'll pay you in other... They don't only use people... Oh, they just pay you money? Some FBI

informants they pay. What if they gave you like a hundred bucks? No, not a hundred dollars. It's the FBI. Would you make a note? What are you... Are you my FBI informant? Are you my FBI handler? I would do it for fun. I probably shouldn't mention this because it probably... I know there's

insane people In your audience In my audience My grandfather was in the FBI Actually Really? Yeah Female body Body inspector

No no no He was an agent What did he do? I mean It's the FBI He didn't tell me Oh wow My grandpa was like

Such a paragon Of masculinity That it is an impossible Standard to live up to. Going from like a Navy U-boat to being a beat cop to being a FBI agent to owning his own law firm.

And you're like, well, I'll never accomplish half of that. So I make stupid internet videos. And even he probably still has regrets. That shows you what a big problem they are. I don't think he's doing okay. I don't think he had regrets. He probably had some regrets. Okay, so what a big problem they are. I don't think he's doing okay. I don't think he had regrets. He probably had some regrets.

Okay, so what are we going to do with these kids? We're going to lock them up. No more child advocates. That's the problem. Child advocates. I do think we've got to lock kids up. We've got to give them a taste of reality. Yeah.

I want kids to not... We need a separate internet for children. Yeah. They should not be one processing there's so much on the internet though children should not be involved in yeah and part of it is that they see all these causes and they're like i'm ready to be a part of that it's like you're not so just shut up and stop reading about it teachers are telling them that too yeah you make a difference like bitch she doesn't make a difference what are you talking about once

nickelodeon started running like get out the help and all the you know rock the vote all this not no no no no no no shut up so we need like anti we need nihilistic advertising for children it is if i if it's illegal for me to do anything yeah if it and even one thing is illegal for me it better be illegal for children to do everything. Right. That's what I, that's my policy. I'm okay with having like a kid's internet. It's just got like, you know, Flash games and Nickelodeon cards.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just sit there. I'm just tired of seeing them on Twitter and whatever else. Because they know, I know it's all 12 year olds I don't know. What is Twitter's like age limit? I think you got to be like 14 13. Yeah. Yeah, I know It's all ten-year-olds on there. Yeah, just being idiots saying stupid shit Okay, what's your what was this problem child advocates child advocates? I think was the way I would phrase them child advocates child soldiers of the left

child a liberal child soldiers political child soldiers I would phrase them. Child advocates. Child soldiers of the left. You would say. Liberal child soldiers. Political child soldiers. They are child soldiers. They are being weaponized. Yeah, they totally are. Somebody else is in control of that narrative. Okay, this is my final problem.

What time is it? Oh, good. We're getting in here at an hour. The minimum wage. Hey, Vito. Do you hate poor people? No, I do not. Then why do you support a minimum wage mmm hey Vito do you hate poor people no I do not then why do you support a minimum here comes the libertarian shit if there was if it cuz you love more people so much this is where this comes I love every

single poor person if I could I would, I would touch every one of them on the shoulder. Give a pat on the back. Wash my hands immediately. And say, I'm sorry that Vito and his liberal agenda did this to you. Right. I do, really. There's probably no one in history who cares more about the poor than I do.

That's why I want to get rid of... Not a single person. That's why I want to get rid of... Not a single person. That's why I want to get rid of the minimum wage. Look, when Franklin Delano Roosevelt rolled in to set up that minimum wage, you were right there next to him and you were like, well, I care a little bit more than you. I said, you're worse than Hitler. Oh, Christ. And then I shut up.

No, no. Okay, go ahead. Why is the minimum wage bad, Dick? Why is this a problem? Look, because it makes... Look Because it makes those jobs illegal. Which jobs? Any job that's worth less than the number they pick out of their ass is now illegal. Here, let me phrase it to you like this for all the people thinking. Chew on this.

What if there was a minimum dating price, all right? Okay. To take a girl out, you've got to pay 500 bucks. What do you think would happen? You think any girls are getting taken out anymore? Other than who?

Rich, Chad, Amazon will be taking every bitch out in America and having that infinite high polyamory flag all day every day until they're exhausted and they can go sit in a wellness booth and do

yoga inside of a telephone booth. That's what happens. I'm not sure I... That's exactly what would happen. So because you can't... What on earth are you talking about? It makes poor people poorer. How does it make poor people poorer? I have a study from the Federal Reserve Bank, whom I trust now. My favorite source of trustworthy information.

Although low-income workers see wage increases when the minimum wage is raised, their hours and employment decline. You know, you got to think more than just give me my free money. I'm pretty sure that I looked up the same thing and they're like, but on average. No, you went to another Federal Reserve? No, it was the same Federal Reserve. And the combined effect of these changes is a decline in earned income. So you're hurting the poor, who I love, whom I love.

I only care about poor people. Yeah. And I hate rich people. So what do you think happens if we get rid of the minimum wage that what there's more jobs

because you can pay a guy to like you know a dollar an hour to check my email. Check your email. I'll give you a buck. A guy if a guy comes knocking my door right

now. Yeah. Says hey I'm a great email checker. I'm going to answer your emails If it's like fans sending you stuff I'll just say like thanks funny I'll even watch the video I'll watch videos and tell you

If there's one in there that you need to watch I'll watch it I'll do this for a dollar an hour I'll just say buddy that's illegal I can't pay you I have to pay you $15 an hour or whatever it is Oh my god man That's it

What if a guy comes to you and says Dick I want to be your slave. I want to work for no money. And you tell me what to do. Like an intern? Yeah. Like an intern. It's an intern.

Fuck I lose. Slavery is legal in this country. Uh, small businesses can't afford it. You know, 60% of small businesses owners say that raising the minimum wage will hurt them. Oh, they said it. Well, that's, that's proof hurt them. Oh, they said it.

Well, that's proof right there. Because if they say it, it's true. Okay. How about this one? How about this? Would you like to pay people more money? No, that'll bankrupt me. That'll mess up my business.

That'll destroy me. Absolutely. How about this one? Yeah, okay. Teenagers can't work with a $15 minimum wage. Why not? Because teenagers aren't even worth $15 their lives. You're telling me one hour of their time is worth, what can a teenager do that's worth $15 an hour? Plenty.

Nothing. Absolutely nothing. What are you talking? Absolutely nothing. If flipping a burger, anybody can do it. Okay. If you sell X burgers an hour, you're a place like McDonald's or whatever. A teenager can make you just as much money As an old guy flipping burgers They don't need it though, they're living at home They don't need it so we shouldn't give them anything For their labor? They don't need it Then they won't do any work

Um, well they're not doing any work now No one's gonna pay No one's gonna pay these shitheads If we get rid of the minimum wage Walmart's gonna say we're paying our employees with tenement credits. If they get enough tenement credits, they can afford a night stay at the Walmart

hovels that we've set up. That's what you're worried about? That Walmart will rip everyone off? Yeah. We have a very good system right now where Walmart pays everyone as little as possible and we subsidize that by giving them canned goods and giving them welfare.

It makes perfect sense. We're just turning the country over to big corporations then. They can afford a minimum wage up to however much you want. All Amazon does is put a little bit more on your sex lube and then shores up the books with that $15

minimum wage. Mom and pop businesses can't afford that shit. To be fair, I think the minimum wage should be for organizations of a certain size. I think that's the way to do it. If your organization only has, what do you mean, oh my God, that's a very logical, reasonable proposition. How big? How big? Walmart? No.

If you have like 15 employees. 15? I think that's how they structure things now. What's the cutoff where you have to have health insurance? Because there's a certain number of employees you have to have. I hope that what you're saying doesn't exist because I'm in trouble. I'm pretty sure that if you have a certain number of employees, that's the point at which you have full-time employees.

That's the point at which you have to actually offer health insurance. Um, what about retarded people? What about them? You think they're going to be, you're going to pay. You already don't have to. There's already a different minimum wage for retarded people. Uh-huh. What do you mean?

Uh-huh. That's still a minimum wage. We don't like get to pay them in flowers and smiles. You have to give them something. I don't know. It encourages dropouts okay i want more dropouts no oh less dropouts less yeah i would to school more children to stay in public schools just until we can get just until we can get them in prison if we can get these fatherless youths in school as long as possible until they turn 18 and then get them immediately into prison that's ideal you're fucking with me today you're

fucking with me because you're like here's what the federal reserve says we need more children graduating from public schools yeah yeah uh the minimum wage straight into the prison here's another stats for you yeah found that in maryland, which is a state, a 25 cents increase in the minimum wage was associated with a 55, 0.55% increase in the dropout rate for Hispanic students. That's my people. That you're forcing out of- Half a percent? Hey, that shit, that's 25 cents.

Now you're jacking it up $7? That's like 4% of Mexicans that are going to quit so they can go work a high-paying minimum wage job that you tricked them into. They could have learned all about Macbeth and fucking mitochondria and important shit that they need while they're doing deck work and stuff. Just so they could go

clean your tables and do your menial labor that you need them to do. Fractions could be on the table. If only they taught that in school. I'm going to be like, hey, can I get three-fourths a cup of water?

You're going to go, aye, aye, aye. Courageous dropouts. Okay. There we go. Increases housing costs. That one's obvious. That's fair. Tons of money floating around.

Obvious. What a horrible, horrible situation. They're just going to jack up the rent prices. Where does it go? Well, rent just jumped up. I don't know. It's totally confusing to me why that happened.

Teenagers already got that one. Retarded people, that was a good point. The date though, the date's the best point possible. If you had to spend, let's say you had to spend, I don't think it's a good comparison.

Let's say you had to spend $10 on a date. Okay. You would never go on one again. That's not correct. It would be illegal. The $10 date is outside my purview. Show me all these kids that you got up here. They should be doing, they should be

digging gold components out of e-waste with their little fingers that you could pay 10 cents an hour for. But because of you and all of your rules, they're up there changing the world.

Not so funny now, is it? Why do I see you as a child watching The Rescuers and they got that kid trapped in the diamond mine? You're thinking, you're like,

I want in on that one day. You should pocket those diamonds. I just see you looking at the villains and you're like, you know, when I get older, I could trick other kids into a little diamond cave as well yeah not a bad way to do it they're minors they don't it's not a felony yeah just go to juvie just enslave children

pay him a nickel hey um so your problem is minimum wage minimum wage get rid of it for all those reasons yeah all those gray only people who hate poor people and would want five point zero five percent of uh hispanics you know what guy i'm stopping zero zero five uh if i'm yeah don't try to make it every hispanic counts don't try to bound it down to every fan it counts. We may not be shoving directly into the gay flag, but we're right behind there in case the black people get tired or whatever

and show up on time. Holy Lord. So a guy asked me for money when I'm walking down the street. In case the transgender people need a deck, you guys will be there to help build this wedge for them. I can make those jokes.

You're not allowed to make those jokes. You can make jokes about white women. Fair enough. Guy asked me for money when I'm walking down the street. I go, you know, I have a nice steak dinner that I have to pay. These guys are getting paid $15 an hour for. Yeah. Right?

Guy says, do you have any change? I say, well, it's illegal. I can't pay for your entertainment services less than $15 an hour. I do have change for you. But if I handed it to you, it would be an illegal transaction. Yeah. And I'm doing so many crimes already, I cannot possibly add another one. Washing your windows?

No. Oh, buddy. I hope you have a work permit for that. I have to give you $15 or else. What do you think the minimum wage should be at? Like $300 an hour? Yeah, pretty much. You think it should be need-based?

I think we could look at the gradual track of inflation and calculate it based on where it was set at originally. Okay, that just so happens to be 15%. I think it's like 12. Yeah. Yeah, 15. 15 ain't bad. You know how much shit goes into that inflation calculator, though? Were you on here being like,

you can't afford a share of the S&P and this is nonsense? That's horse shit. Yeah, it is horse shit. You know what would help you afford a share of the S&P? A minimum nonsense. That's horse shit. Yeah, it is horse shit. You know what would help you afford a share of the S&P? A minimum wage. No, but you can't get... If you're only worth, if you are only worth as a person, $10

an hour, you cannot be employed if the minimum wage is $15. It's not that you will get $15, it's that, motherfucker, you are now, it's now illegal to employ you. So sorry. You are now too ugly to date dates cost 50 minimum now you're too fucking ugly to get taken out so sorry go at home and the government will send you a boyfriend when we get around to it and i got bad news for you you're

not gonna like him his name is steve and he's gonna treat you wrong that's a coincidence his name is no steve's a good guy hey steve he's gonna treat you he's going to treat you wrong. That's a coincidence. His name is Steve. No, Steve's a good guy. Hey, Steve. He's going to treat you. He's not a free government boyfriend. He's one of them premium welfare boyfriends. Okay, what do we have? Child advocates.

Child advocates. Too much pride. Regret. Regrets. I regret bringing that in first. I thought it would be funny. And the minimum wage. I think it was funny. The minimum wage. I was there would be funny. And the minimum wage. I think it was funny.

I was there with you. The minimum wage. Okay. Let's do some of these super chats. Super chats. Yeah. Go ahead and read it for me.

Well, what was it? Right, that one? I didn't read that one. Das. Yeah. Vito and Dick, I'm also starting a podcast. Any advice?

Yeah, don't compete with us. So just stop. Just listen to this podcast. Any advice? Yeah, don't compete with us. So just stop. Just listen to this one. Any advice? Come up with a good gimmick if we're being serious. Yeah. If it's just you and your buddies talking about stuff,

I think the biggest problem with podcasts is you go, oh, and I hang out with my buddies. It's so funny. We just talk about stuff and it's not, and it won't be to anyone else yeah film yourself film yourself fucking your girlfriend and then compare it to a pornography yeah because that's what your podcast is with your buddies yeah uh maybe yeah maybe just film you and your buddies talking and show it to anybody and have them go and i don't really want to watch this yeah but if you have a structure

and a format you can almost eat comedy out of anything or at least something interesting sure at least you're not meandering in a fucking circle you know um whatever you do is is quit right away quit immediately as soon as it feels yeah like once it starts getting successful and you got a lot of people behind it and an established format Oh, yeah, yeah, just ditch the whole thing But even if it doesn't over the smallest personal slight just just head for the hills. I don't know veto. There's a pretty big person You're right Sean isn't there tell veto tell dick I said hey instead it's still important. Hey dick Then he's got a banana. Oh, he's got a banana a cowboy and a vampire Oh, just the man is the vampire a new one. Yeah. Okay. I'll have to check that out

You got you got to check it out. It's really I mean you thought you thought 90s Conan was amazing banana doxers Wine and I heard a lot of kids like army of the dead to, Vito. I did kind of like Army of the Dead. It was okay. It could have been better. What does that have to do with anything? I don't think he's talking about every review on my channel. He's saying I'm as dumb as a child.

Maybe. I prefer this Asterios 0.2. Is that Rajvir? I prefer this Asterios 0.02. I don't know if that means times two or 0.02%. Are you Asterios 2? I don't know if you're saying. Asterios 2.0.

2.0 or 0.02. That's how they do it in the UK. I see pounds. I know Rajveer. She has an amazing rack. Asterios 0.02. Okay. Scott Goble, how big of a corporation?

At least big enough that you can see it. Alright, everybody. This has been a show. Yeah. Should we play a song? Are we gonna plug anything special? Well, what do you want to say? Well, this show, we're gonna set up a separate YouTube, which I definitely remembered to set up ahead of time.

That definitely happened. Yeah. But there is going to be a separate YouTube for the show where you'll be able to watch the replays and enjoy them. Okay. And then I guess, where are we going to post the audio? Is that going to be? It'll be a biggestproblem.show.

Biggestproblem.show. You can listen to the show. Yeah. It's set on over there. Okay. And we're still deciding. Anything else that we know I want to... Yeah, I mean, whatever.

There's a... Yeah, give them the... Look, if you want to put... I don't want to force you into it. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. If you want to put a dollar in the bucket, you're talking about the one you just set up, right? Yeah.

What is it? What's the URL? Patreon.com slash biggestproblem. Patreon.com slash biggestproblem. Patreon.com slash biggest problem. Oh, yeah. Let me check. If you want to help support what's going forward, we are having talks about stuff we can do to give people a little bit of bonus content.

Right now, we're working illegally because we don't have any money. Right. Yeah. So please give us money. So please give us at least the minimum wage. Yeah. have any money right yeah please give us money please give us at least the minimum wage yeah uh and i'll mention of course that youtube.com slash veto has not hit uh two thousand dollars a month so no seems like maybe we're just gonna do one episode a month unless uh youtube.com slash veto okay i think we could hit that 2k guys 2k a month uh well that's been the show go to biggest problem

dot show yeah on the problems. We'll do voicemails after this. Do we have a sign-off for this show? I have no idea. I don't think so. We're still figuring it out. We're still figuring it out! I'm going to say that for the next couple years. Still figuring it out, guys.

Still got some stuff we're figuring out here. Thanks for coming by the show! That it? I don't think I can continue with this anymore. I'm quitting and starting my own network. Yeah! Yeah!

Are we still on the screen? Yeah. Because I have voicemails. Yeah. That was my save state corrupted. We'll play some of the other ones next time, too. Yeah, we'll try them all. They were cool, but God. Pretty intense. I guess my problem is I'm not nearly as intense as the music.

If only you had some kind of a flag that you could use to say exactly what you do. If I was dressed like some sort of Some extreme character Version of myself Here we go Hey it's your pal CJ And I think Man children are the biggest Problem in the universe

I was scrolling Through my twitter And for some reason there's grown Men spurging out about how they made a white character black in the Carolla DeVille movie and it's

Did he say Carolla DeVille? Adam Carolla DeVille? Two cars! They're spurging out about content that is made for children and it's just beyond the eventual illness

to be fair that was one of my problems last week so and children and children they deserve my seat

on the short bus for giving a shit about a Disney children's film well it's really pathetic

you can tell these people have never even seen a vagina in 30 years. Okay, well. It's lost all hope. And the psychosis of these people. It's unbelievable. Maybe it's the vaccine doing it.

I feel like this is directed at me. You think so? Yeah, it's just insane. Love the show, you guys. Keep it up. Thanks, CJ. Do you have a response to that? No, I probably agree.

CJ, I think sent me an invite to come on his show. Carolla Deville. Adam Carolla Deville. Adam Carolla Deville. Yeah, why would anyone worry about these childish medias? Look at this poor man. What a fantastic poor. I just feel like, I feel like the point is that like, it was good for kids.

So I take it and make it not like a fun kids thing. It was only good for kids. Now it's garbage. Now it's for adults and it's garbage. Yeah. Now it's not, it's not timeless. And it's for like weird adults that it's like, I guess you could bring your kid. Are kids interested

in that movie it's about a girl designing weird dresses no kids were about hundred and ones of Dalmatians

you're telling me there's a movie about a hundred and one puppies I'm in what's the movie about

well this bitch is gonna kill them whoa you mean to tell me the fucking puppies are getting killed I need to make sure that doesn't happen Yeah. What's the movie about? Well, this bitch is going to kill them. Whoa. You mean to tell me the fucking puppies are getting killed? I need to make sure that doesn't happen. I'm going to get out of here. I'm going to watch every twist and turn of this narrative.

You're going to love this. This girl is an outcast, fashion- Are there dogs in it? Yeah, but not nearly as many as there could be. They're awful. They're pretty bad. They're awful. They're pretty bad. They're horrible. Okay. The biggest problem in the universe for me is five years without shows.

Come on, guys. It's a hell of a hiatus. I don't know what he's talking about. We've never done this show before. At least five years. Right. Probably more. I'm more considering it's never happened before.

Don't know how old he is. Right. There you go. Hey, Dick. Well, I'm out here just taking a shit, you know, after I had my morning coffee. And I see that you guys are rebooting The Biggest Problem in the Universe, which is pretty cool. I just got done listening to it. And it actually made

me hate the dick show because it's so much better. So, can't wait to see this do really poorly. Can't wait to see you fuck up another show. And, Vito, go fuck yourself. Oh, thank you. What a shitty voicemail. I don't know. People are very enthused about this

new thing we're doing here. It's a lot of enthusiasm. He tries to talk about like he's shitting and calling. I'm so cool. I'm gonna go do a thing. Shut up. You planned this all. He probably did a couple test runs. Honey, this is what I'm gonna say. Can you read it?

He's got it written on a piece of paper. How do you pronounce this word? Well, thanks for being a fan. This guy doesn't like you. What's up, Vito, Nick? This is Johnny the Mailman. Real excited for the show. Uh-oh.

Real excited for it to come back. Mm-mm. Come. If you want this thing to be successful, if you want it to be as addictive as the old show was, Vito, you got to crank that pedantic fuckery up to like 11. It's not cutting it.

You're way too amicable. Yeah. You're way too kind. Want people to like you. Got to be the bad guy. What's kind about you? Why don't you, why don't you, why don't you just be a real asshole? I'm always giving you a.

Really obnoxious. I'm always giving you a. We'll make it work. Olive branch Even when you say Ridiculous stupid things I really gotta call you out A lot of people

Have reiterated that point They would They think someone Needs to call you on your shit Nah no one could call me Oh okay They just want They're waiting for Superman

Someone's gonna fucking show up And call me out On something I'm gonna nail you to the wall i'll get him i'll get everybody wants everyone called out all the time i don't know that's the new cancer that's the culture right call out culture cancel culture you could call him out why it's great yeah he's over there talking about gibberish it is hilarious okay here's the last one yeah I got a problem here you know I think right now I mean we're still

kind of doing this whole work from home thing we're all still kind of working like you know kind of remotely no one's really going face to face with each other so I do a lot of sales and a lot of that's done over the internet and my god dude I at this point in the game if you're like

a competent adult you should have the ability to coordinate the audio settings within your video feed or your, like, you know, your, your zoom call feed. The amount of times, like, not even just like business video calls or just business calls, but even like on like discord or when i'm playing video games bro please god get like a competent microphone i don't want to have to hear like that was the background of your mom and dad getting divorced or the vacuum cleaner exploding and like for the love of god like i'd like to hear the internet connection too or some kind of way where it's not like i'm communicating into this like glitchy void when I try to sell you a product, when I try to work with you, you know, in a video game or over like, you know, just a phone and everything. Like at this point in the game, man, you really need a nice $20 microphone and, you know, at least a $15 headset.

Like that cannot be that hard. Like please, guys, have all that shit ready to go. So that way I'm not talking, that way you're not spending the first five or ten minutes coordinating your shitty audio settings and everything. Thanks. Bye. It is true that the average person does not care nearly as much about audio quality as they should.

No. You know what my problem is? What? Is when you try to watch porn, and they just have never run any sort of noise cancelling in their life And I have to hear the sounds of their camera And their air conditioner And whatever else

Oh, do you have the sound on? Yeah, I watch porn with the sound on Yeah, I want the girl to yell at me in Spanish Their voices throw me so far out of it Most of them, yeah But especially when there's this awful humming drone where I'm like, if you just put an equalizer on it right at this wavelength, you would get rid of all of that.

And you do this professionally, and you have a bunch of simps and whatever who send you money, I'm sure, who couldn't one of them just tell you to put an EQ filter on it and fix it all in a second. It's so hard to get good audio. As easy it is to do video, but audio is gone. The filter on it. The it all in a second. It's so hard to get good audio. As easy it is to do video, but audio filter on it. The filters they got now, you can filter

anything. So bad porn sound? Bad porn sound. Look, if I paid you $12 to scream at my penis, I don't want to hear your refrigerator going, you know? You paying for porn? Only on occasion. What if it was illegal to pay less than $20?

Then I'd be in a real pickle. Never buy porn again. There wouldn't be enough porn. Never age again. There wouldn't be enough. All right. Goodbye, everyone.

Thank you for listening to my show. Are we going to talk to these guys? Did we get any more super chats or is that the end of it? No, that's it. That's it for super chats. Hey, everybody.

Thanks for watching. Thanks for coming by. It'll save the chat replay so I'll be able to check back through. I wonder if Vito knows what a price floor is. Look, I get it.

No, you don't get it. Oh, shut up. Your examples are like, oh, but Mexican kids are dropping out of school at a rate of nothing per nothing. Every Mexican is worth every Mexican is worth two white people.

No. Is worth half a white people? Is worth at least one. Or at least one. They're all equal. Juan. Juan. Get it? Yeah, I got it. You guys, you're so charged up. Because it's still trying to take my money to give it away. You didn't even get the joke.

I got it. I got there. Juan, shut up. Thanks for everybody coming by. I hope people enjoyed it. We obviously, we figured it out. We got the audio figured out. We'll get there. We'll have to see if the audio levels were decent, but you usually have good levels doing

your other show. I'm going to see if Sean will at least level them, and then we'll just put it out. I should have told you to plug your show, because probably people listening to me don't know about it. Go to thedickshow.com. Oh, yeah. Yeah.

You'll have to remember to do that. That's okay.