The Biggest Problem in the Universe - Episode 5 - Mr. Beast Goes to Space

Episode Date: July 19, 2021

The N-Word Defense, YouTube Role Models, Space Tourists, COVID Deniers

All right, ready? Here we go! Oh, welcome to the biggest problem in the universe! I'm your host, Nick Masterson, and we're the problem- the sh- I forgot to do the A to Z thing again! Join me as always! Vito Giswaldi. Yeah, welcome. On this very heavy show. Welcome back. This is the Cucksockers.

All right, all right, all right, all right. We should let it go all the way through, though, right? There you go. Welcome. Welcome to the one show that won't fuck your mother in the ass. Come on! This is a show where we don't even open our teeth. No chance of any kind of soy.

Smile. No soy. Just close the entire show. Dear testosterone. All right, let's get... You did just blow spit on the right side of your... Oh, Jesus Christ. I don't have a drum roll either.

I remember I said, you know what? You got to get a non-joke drum roll, but I don't have a drum roll either. I remember I said, you know what? You got to get a non-joke drum roll, but I don't have a drum roll. Here's the winners of last time. The winners of the last, the biggest problem that got the most votes. I think I remember when I last checked, I felt pretty good. Yeah, you nailed

it. Oh, what did I get? Too much pride, your homophobic problem. Not homophobic. Homo. I want to make it better. Homo. For the homos. Homo. For the homosexuals. Preferred. Yeah. Yeah. And did you see after you brought in the

problem of too many pride flags, they added another. Yeah, what did they add? They added, I did see that. It was like a blacked flag. It was coming in from both sides now. They're like literally making it into the Confederate flag at this point. You're like, it's starting to get there. I'm like, don't meet him in the middle because then you got that X.

Yeah. Followed by child advocates. So I got the top two. That's a big problem. It is a big problem Those kids need to shut up Yeah They're not going to though

They don't know what they're talking about No they won't We live in a culture that almost like I think children now are celebrated more Than ever Than ever And they're horrible Yeah

All this nonsense about the wisdom of a child Like back in the day You're like yeah kids are stupid Kids are stupid In a drain. Yeah. And I wish we had some kind of chemical that we could eat and not have them. That was man's dream since the beginning of time.

Holy shit. We're working on that. I wish we could flush it out there, but if we can't do that, I wish we had some kind of a Tic Tac I could eat every day so that we would never have to deal with these fucking things again. Well, we have that for the ladies, thankfully. Kids are so revered that the worst of the worst on the internet still have imaginary children that they're fighting on behalf of. They really want to save those kids.

Everyone is obsessed with saving those kids. They really are. Yeah. I saw a thing where didn't they just pass another one of those laws to like, oh, no, you know what it was? Did you see the Lego gun? Yeah. Yeah.

Some dude made this cool gun that looks like it's made out of Legos, but it's an actual Glock. And all the responses are, oh, what if a child picks it up? I'm like, it's some dude made it in his house. No kid's gonna ever get his hand Oh, it's a slippery slope and you're gonna kill the children. No. I saw that. I saw even

Scott Adams. Oh, yeah. I was never in favor of gun control, and now I am. Why don't you shut the fuck up? Make it look like... They're not mass-producing it. It was like a one-off fun project. Kids know the difference between Lego and Mega Bloks, by the way. They can touch a Mega Blok and go, get this fucking Mega Blok.

One Mega Blok and your Legos will queer the whole set. The whole thing is just tainted forever. Because they don't stick. Right. And every kid knows Every kid knows At the From Very slight

I mean we're talking about nanograms They'll touch and go That's a mega block Get the fuck out of here There's no possible way A kid's gonna take Children's fingers are Have a sensitivity

That'll be Oh Like Indiana Jones There's no way a kid Would pick up a Pistol Yeah It's because it's just

Covered in Legos. Right. Legos. It's not made of Lego. No, no, no, no, no. It has like... It's still a gun. The grip is like,

I think even like, you know, it's supposed to look like Lego, but it's still like a rubber printed thing. The reason that kids go for guns is because guns are awesome. They are black and scary looking and heavy and they look like something

that you pulled out of a volcano or out of hell. looking and heavy and they look like something that you pulled out of a volcano or out of hell. It's not because they look like a bunch of their other stupid toys. That's why they tell you to lock them up is kids can sense a gun in the house and they just go sniffing for it in every possible... If you have an unlocked gun in your house, a kid's gonna find

it and shoot himself in the head. It's like a cartoon pie. It calls to the child. Wafting. They're floating through the a cartoon pie. Yeah. It calls to the child. Wafting. Oh, yeah. They're floating through the house towards it. Yeah. Kids also love talking about CrossFit. Right. Right?

What is that? Because kids don't do this shit. No. I mean, I don't know. Do you remember being a kid? You're like, I gotta get my hands on a gun. Yeah, I gotta go shoot my friends with a real gun. Okay, and then regret was next. i feel like that's a good one i

just feel like uh maybe it was too generic maybe i didn't present maybe you didn't sell it uh and then the very you did sell it i think that was a good that was a good bit well everyone hates kids right and everyone hates like you hate homosexuals i think we did discuss uh what was that what was that thing where it's like if you hate women vote for my problem that's the ultimate way to win yeah i didn't win on this podcast oh i guess that's true people saw through your transparent ruse and then the last one the very dead last was the minimum wage because it's a bunch of moochers. Yeah. A bunch of low IQ, low information. Are you talking shit about our audience, Dick?

Just the people you bring to the table. Oh, my side of the audience is what's bringing. All your libertarian fuckwads are like, yeah, yeah, I want to be a slave to the corporations. Well, no, that's the opposite. That's what minimum wage would do. They want to be empowered. Here's what the minimum wage should be.

Just raise it to as much money as Amazon can pay. Yeah. And then call that the minimum wage, whatever that is. Amazon should just pay you in Amazon dollars that you can only use at the Amazon commissary. And you live in the Amazon barracks. That's great. Because that's what's going to happen. What's the difference?

I mean, that is how we're living. You could live in your Black Rock, rent your Black Rock house. Yeah. Put Amazon coins in your retirement fund. You could sponsor a child. That's what they're going to, they're going to give you.

You can't have it. You can't afford a child. Right, right. But everyone's so obsessed with children. You can sponsor a child. It's going to be an American child. Yeah. You know,

not African. No, you don't give nickels to Africa anymore. children you can sponsor a child it's going to be an american child yeah you know not african no you don't give nickels to africa anymore nickels for africa well what i'm sure that i'm 100 sure that's inappropriate okay uh veto well do you want to uh do you want to start us off i'm the winner because you're the winner yeah well uh i mean maybe we should just get this one out of the way yeah let's get it out of mean, maybe we should just get this one out of the way. Yeah, let's get it out of the way. Yeah, let's get this one out of the way. Let's get this garbage problem out of the way.

Yeah. Now, some people may have heard of this. I don't know. It's a bit obscure, but we can maybe get into it. There's been somewhat of a public health crisis. There's a certain disease called COVID-19. Oh, yeah. Which has affected a lot of people. A lot of people are getting sick.

Not enough. Not enough people are getting sick. It affects podcast hosts who aggressively ignore vaccine free vaccines that are offered to them. My problem is I don't want to get Bill Gates' jizz in me.

COVID deniers. You don't want to have your DNA overwritten by Bill Gates. No. Hold on one second. Okay. Okay. We're getting a light going here. What are you trying to put me in the hot seat?

My problem is COVID deniers, Dick. Denying that COVID exists? Denying the seriousness of the COVID epidemic. The worldwide epidemic that is currently ravaging

its way across the globe. Oh, it's so dangerous. I know. We've been living with this deadly disease for a year. It's been so fucking terrifying. It continues to kill. It continues to spread because certain ignorant people choose to not get vaccinated. And frankly, it has led to a severe uptick in deaths and cases.

What's severe? Well, let's take a look. Currently, we see LA has to bring back the mask mandate. It doesn't have to. Well, the government has your best interest at heart and is trying to save your life. See, if Americans could just take care of themselves instead of being little babies. Sorry, who's taking care of themselves? I want Americans to do it, but instead the government needs to step in

and force us to act like fucking adults who get a life-saving medication. The experimental vaccine that I don't want or need. The proven vaccine with a 95% efficacy rate.

The point is that the announcement of the mask mandate returning follows six straight days of more than a thousand new COVID cases in Los Angeles County. A thousand? Oh my God. A thousand people got sick? Got the cold? In a week.

Oh, jeez. Oh, what are we going to do? Did you report in? Did you report? Yeah. Yeah, you reported? You're part of the statistic? No, I went to get tested.

I got COVID tested. So then they report that. I gave the guy 20 bucks, though. I said, hey, keep this off the books. You said, don't put me on the list? Yeah, keep it fair. I want to know, but keep it off the books. Well, just think about how many people get sick and they don't even go get tested.

There could be double the amount of cases. Nearly 400 people hospitalized with COVID-19 as of Wednesday, up 275 from the week before. You know what the worst part about COVID? What's that? My thumbs are so sore from all the video games that I played for two weeks. Oh, my God. It was so hard.

You are putting others at risk, potentially, by spreading this awful disease. You are putting others at risk, potentially by spreading this awful disease. You know what, actually, I was before I got COVID, I was wanting it so that COVID could use my body as an incubator. Oh, you want to mutate into a variant. Become a super spreader? No, not a super spreader.

I want to birth the antichrist. You want the dick variant. I want a version of... I want to birth the antichrist. You want the dick variant. Yeah. I want a version of COVID that makes everyone's head explode based on how smart they think they are. Yeah. I think that would fix a lot of problems. Well, I could see that working out in certain ways.

Dick, people need to take this seriously. Let's be real. You can't just travel to Florida because they're opening up and have your little parties have your little fun shows why because florida has reported over 45 000 new corona cases since last week right now florida accounts for 20 of all covid infections in the United States. So many numbers. Because these babies, these whiners can't just put on a mask, get a jab in the arm. I don't want the vaccine. And save the rest of the world.

I don't want the vaccine. Because you're selfish. Because you're selfish. No, no, no, no, no. It's not selfish. Yes. It's not selfish. I actively want more people to die from COVID.

It's not selfishness. But why more people to die from COVID. It's not selfishness. But why do you want that? For what purpose? Have you met people? I'm saying that's a personal decision. That's a personal selfish desire. All right. You can't say it's not selfish that you want people to die.

Oh, I see. Dick, have you ever heard this lie that this is no more deadly than the flu? Yeah, it's not. You've heard that? Not for young people. Not for young people. Well. Not for me.

I did get a couple stats here. Okay. The CDC estimates that influenza in America typically results between 9 million to 45 million illnesses, 140, whatever. Point is, each year annually, between 12,000, 60,000 deaths. Up to 60,000. Okay.

From the flu. From the flu. How many deaths in America from COVID? Like 200,000. Keep going. 300? Keep going. 500?

Oh, you're almost there. 600,000 deaths? 608,000 deaths. That's not insignificant. Yeah. So all we have to do as Americans is step up. How many deaths from heart disease? Are they shutting down McDonald's?

Are they going to put everyone at risk of diabetes type 2 in a mask? I can't spread a Big Mac to my neighbor. You actually can. How? People who are overweight, the people that hang out with them eat more. That's true. Well, I don't hang out with my... So why is that not also contagious?

Why is heart disease not contagious? Eating with your neighbors should be illegal. Fine. I'll consider it. Just saying. It seems like everyone's ganging up on me while they've got a big fat elephant, a big fat skeleton in their own closet. The point is, I advise Americans everywhere, especially podcast hosts,

who rant and rave about government intervention. Just get over it. Well, I got COVID, so I don't need the vaccine. Is that how it works now? You can still get it again. You've built up some antibodies. I don't want the vac... I don't know why it's...

I don't know why it's everyone's business whether I get the vaccine or not. I don't want it. But don't you... I don't want to get it. Let's put it this way. You're in a position of renown. You have a reputation. Yeah.

People listen to you. People listen to your opinions. Okay. Maybe it's irresponsible. To tell them that they should not get it? Well, yeah. Well, what's the long-term damage? Shouldn't you set an example?

What's the long-term damage? Let's take a look. 608,000 deaths in America. How many worldwide? I don't know, two million? Four million dead. Who cares? And it's all on your fucking shoulders dick it's you you did this uh so when i heard you were suffering with the koof i wasn't suffering though

no you had fun you had fun it was fun it was the second what's fun it was the second best thing that ever happened to me the first best thing was when my girlfriend got it right early on. That was fun. And there was no vaccine yet, so it was just, oh, poor her. Yeah. I didn't get any poor me. It was, why didn't you take the vaccine, idiot? But that was the best time, because then I played video games where I wasn't sick.

Right. You just got to hang out. None of this. No yapping in your ear. All right. to hang out. No yapping in your ear. How about just annoying females don't get vaccinated? Look, everybody should have gotten vaccinated, but now that I already got sick,

what's the point? I still think you should think about it. Why? Do you want to get sick again? You were sick for a fucking week. Didn't that suck? Everyone's going to get, COVID's here forever. Probably. No, no, no, probably.

It's here forever. Okay. It's here forever. It's going to get less and less deadly. Sure. Because it, you know, that's what happens. But everybody keeps getting the vaccine. It's slowly.

Okay. I don't want to get. We're going to beat the variants. You get a booster shot. Why? Why do you want there to be a sickness that lives forever if we have an opportunity to put that to rest? No, no, no, no, no.

That's not possible. It's here forever. But we can manage it to lower levels. We. What is this we shit? We. I'm not doing anything. As a community.

As a country. Our patriotic duty to band together and not be a bunch of selfish babies worried about, again, Bill Gates jizzing in your cells. I don't know. Turning yourself into a clone of him. If the vaccine,

if there's no long-term damage in like a hundred years, I'll think about it. You'll be ready to take it? Yeah, I'll think about it. Fair enough. I'll think about it. I'm just not really,

if I was 60 or 70, I would take it. Yeah. But I'm not a risk. But you're not, so you're going to live through it? Yeah, I'll think about it. Fair enough. I'll think about it. I'm just not really, if I was 60 or 70, I would take it. Yeah. But I'm not a risk. But you're not, so you're going to live through it. Yeah. You're just going to get

all the other old people sick. Oh, I wish, believe me, because it's legal. You're going to go to the Target and cough on the old people. I walked down, I went to Hometown Buffet

at 3.30 in the afternoon. Yeah, yeah. Spitting in the coffee. I went down to Skid Row wiping my forehead with ones. Oh, here you go, guys. Here you go. I got one of those strip club guns and just walked around. Yeah.

Getting all my lymph nodes all over it. Piss in the water gun and then spray it on the whole. I guess piss wouldn't transmit it. No, you can only transmit it through... Yeah, sweat, touching your face. That's the worst part about COVID is they don't want you to touch your face. It's like my favorite fucking thing to do.

Touch your face? Yeah, just all day long, I'm just touching it. My problem is, Dick... COVID deniers. COVID deniers. COVID... I don't know if deniers is the right... Well, I saw that they changed the vaccine

Hold out people They changed it from vaccine hesitant To vaccine obstinate Oh boy I don't like the sound of that We should call them vaccine criminals To really sell home what they're doing So what are you going to do When all this COVID shit's over

Are you going to be doing anything for public health I'm going to be sitting high on my fucking vaccine Feeling good about myself because I did my duty. Okay. I didn't want to go to that CVS. I didn't want to, but I did it. 600,000? 500,000 people? 600,000.

Dead? Yeah. That's a good amount. Most of those people were bad. I mean, they don't give you those stats. But you know. I would like to see those stats.

Most of them were bad guys. It would be cool if they collected like how many of them were felons and whatever else. So you think everyone should get it?

Whatever vaccine the government says to get. Yeah. Everyone should just trust the government in all things. Trust the government. I just think here,

I don't know, man. There hasn't been any side effects. What side effects? It's been like six months. Yeah, but like, that hasn't been very long. What's good? What?

But what could happen? Maybe your dick falls off. Our DNA gets corrupted. Yeah, our dicks fall off. Yeah. I'm just not that worried about, I wasn't worried about getting it. I got it.

I just don't want to be sick. You don't want... Well, you got the vaccine. I got the vaccine. Yeah. It's all you need. I hate being sick. And I don't want to spread it to my fellow man.

What if the vaccine makes it, like, superpowered? Well, that's the thing. How are you... Yeah, what if the first people to get the vaccine get powers? Then you're going to feel like an idiot. No, not get powers. What if it superpowers the virus? No. No, I think that you're going feel like an idiot no not get powers what if it superpowers the virus no no i think that you're gonna develop powers over time and they're gonna be like oh sorry we ran out of that one veto has laser eyes you have nothing are you gonna get laser eyes out of it

maybe or fucking adamantium claws you don't know well adamantium claws were an implant that wasn't a natural power but i could get a mutant healing factor yeah he did have bone claws though i know that's dumb it was very dumb though they need to retcon that yeah when they started messing with wolverine's backstory not canadian that was the worst didn't they put him in the civil war yeah they said he was like he grew up in america and fought in the civil war and then moved to Canada. I'm like, no, he's Canadian. That's his whole thing. He's like...

He loves drinking Molson and watching hockey. He's not the Highlander. No. He doesn't have bone claws like a little, like a cat man. It's just metal claws. Yeah, cool metal claws. Yeah. Well, then Magneto ripped the metal from his body.

Yeah. And he had bone claws It doesn't make more sense For there to have been bone That they put the metal on No It's just cool That it came out

No Right The whole thing was That his power was like A healing factor And then because Of the healing factor They could rip him open

And give him claws His real power was That he was only 5'4 And yet he was that confident Yeah That was the real Superpower It is interesting That you forget he was only 5'4", and yet he was that confident. Yeah. That was the real superpower. It is interesting that you forget that he was 5'4", because Hugh Jackman doesn't... Cultural appropriation.

Yeah. That's actual cultural appropriation. Tall people taking over from short people. Yeah. All right. Nice problem. Thank you. COVID deniers?

Let's say COVID. Or vaccine? We'll say COVID deniers. I think anti-vaxxers was an existing problem from a pre-existing show. I have no understanding of. Another show. Yeah, another time. Were you really worried about COVID this whole time?

Not worried. Not worried about it? No. Not for myself. Oh, for other people. I don't know, man. I don't want people getting sick. Let's put it this way.

I don't want to get sick. You don't want to get sick. So if everybody getting rid of it, I don't want this thing to mutate, and then the vaccines don't work, and I got to get sick for the rest of my life. You're going to get sick for the rest of your life. But I hate being sick.

Yeah, but I want less diseases. Okay. I want less opportunities to be sick. I'm China. I didn't do it. I want less opportunities to be sick. Blame China. I didn't do... All right. Here's my problem. Space tourists.

Yes. Not terrorists. Space tourists. Okay? Mm. And I didn't... I wasn't upset by this until I saw this 18-year-old. Did you see this?

The 18-year-old that's going up in Bezos, Jeff Bezos' Blue Origin. Did they win like a contest? I don't know. But when I saw that an 18-year-old kid was going to go up in space, I instantly hated all of space and everything

that we've ever done to get up there and now I absolutely despise it wasn't annoying to me when the billionaires were doing it right I was like alright

they got nothing else to do yeah they've already had sex with children and you know sacrifice them to gods or whatever yeah

exactly once you reach that point you're just looking for anything then when the billionaires Sex with children and sacrifice them to gods or whatever. Yeah, exactly. Once you reach that point, you're just looking for anything. Then when the billionaires started asking their family to do it and started asking women who were on the Mercury thing and then the last straw was really the 18-year-old. I thought, I need a challenger. Not at all. Come on. This is. No, no, no, no.

I can't sit here and stomach I have COVID. Life's not so great. Hedge funds are buying up all the houses in America. I will be damned. I need a challenger explosion. Part two. Part two. For every time a spaceship explodes

Going up into space I'm gonna be at home Going Awesome Fuck you Oh no Fuck you space guys Any

Any other Fantasy vacation Yeah Like going to Hawaii Hawaii Or Yeah Italy

Or whatever Tahiti You don't care Disneyland I can imagine like okay you're going to Disneyland kind of is a pain in the ass

whatever you're going to the you're going to the tropics alright I can imagine drinking I've drank on a beach before yeah whatever

but space I can't I have nothing to hot like oh wow that guy's banging a really hot woman, right? Yeah.

I banged a woman. Why'd you say it like that? Well, because I can kind of, I can imagine it. It's not like, it's not like so crazy going up into space. There's no possible way. Floating around like a dick, doing, doing food. Like a dick. You know?

Don't you think they're enjoying the majesty of floating above the earth? Yes, and we'll never do that. We'll never do that. You don't know that. Yes, I do. We're never going into space. I don't know. It costs like $30 million just to launch one of those rockets.

They could bring the prices down. They cannot bring the price. Have you noticed the price of gas has been going up our whole lives they're not bringing the price see they tell you this so that you don't go and start lynching the space people so they can get they're like oh don't don't worry guys no desire to lynch the space people because they get to go to space and i don't why not i don't know i just it doesn't if i don't get to go to space no one should anyone to go to space When you were a kid and you're watching the astronauts were just like fuck this fucking because I didn't think of because this There so far it's been now. It's anybody exactly so far. It's no it's rich people so far. It's been nerds

And military guys yeah, like all right well That makes sense sure nerds aren't gonna enjoy it. They're gonna go up there studying. Yeah. I'm like, all right, well, I'm... That makes sense. You could do it. Sure. Nerds aren't going to enjoy it. They're going to go up there. Yeah. I'm in space. Look at all these fucking experiments I'm doing. Like, okay, good job, nerd. You didn't enjoy it at all.

No pranks at all. No pranks. You're not out there throwing bowling balls at Earth. That is going to... You're not banging up in space. If you had a space prank show, it'd probably do pretty good. Yeah. And you know who will never have that show this guy right here

I don't know man I think that might be the angle what if they build an orbital what if they build a space elevator then you take anybody up they're not building that shit no probably not this is the ultimate black pill is realizing

all they're going to build You're never going to go to space kill yourself. No, but But But First kill the space people. First kill all the space people.

Yeah. The space tourists Listen to me. This is the future. Okay, I'm coming to you the ghost Christmas future. These motherfuckers are going to be

these billionaires are going to be going up into space all the time and talking about space, talking about seeing the sun set and rise in space. Fucking Lance Bass, all the celebrities,

all of these fucking celebrities are going to be doing it. Billionaires are going to be doing it. Trust fund kids are going to, it's going to be the new, it's going to be the new shove this money right up your ass hey look at my dick look at my giant billion dollar dick dingling around in space you fuck you poor slob that will never get to experience anything like this fuck you well you know what fuck you challenger I have one thing to say.

Challenge Gap. Shoot the goddamn space. Sabotage the launch pad. That's my, what do you think about that problem? I can't imagine a world where these TikTok influencers are posting their space adventures. Everyone's all gung-ho about space, but they're never going to. Logan Paul's going to be up there opening packs of Pokemon cards. Are you prepared for that future?

It's going to suck. Yeah. Welcome to hell. Are you prepared for that future? It's gonna suck. Yeah. Welcome to hell. You don't think they could make it worse, but they invented a new type of tourism for the filthy, filthy rich that you will never get even a taste of. Maybe they'll have some kind of thing for you

where they shove you out of a helicopter for $6,000, and they say, here's what space feels like Vito Bon Voyage Blah Do you want to go to space? Yeah? Yeah? Why? Because you get to float around I mean Yeah, that would be cool. I went to fucking space fuck you. You can go to those well yeah You just want the bragging rights. It's not the same. Do those wingsuit things in the chamber with the big fan.

I've done those. They just make you feel fat. Yeah. Kids do it, and they're flying around gracefully, but then you do it, and you're like, you feel like a ship, a crooked ship. But they bring you up. How long are you even in the ship when you go to space? Aren't you only up there for like half an hour, like an hour?

Yeah. So what are you going to save up your life? For like $300,000? Yeah. Not even, we can't even get close to that. Never. Never will be in space. hour like an hour yeah so what are you gonna save up your life thousand dollars yeah not even we can't even get close to that never never will be i guess when you got obscene amounts of money it's like ah fuck it yeah uh here's something else like in case you need to hear from the experts virgin galactic and blue origin are looking to offer suborbital flights that will take people into space for a few minutes and allow them to experience

weightlessness and get a view of earth from high above you know how annoying people are talking about doing ayahuasca yeah imagine how annoying flights they'll be doing they're already doing the suborbital flights the training for these missions blah blah blah anyone who's even hawking went on one of those he was then spinning around in his wheelchair and shit. No, they didn't. He wasn't in the wheelchair, but they did bring him up. They brought Stephen Hawking up? Yeah, they brought Stephen Hawking up to low orbit.

The guy who can't even enjoy it? Well, yeah, and then they grabbed him and they spun him around. They spun his crippled body in space. This is like a spitting in the... Spitting right in the face. It's like spitting right in the mouth of your fellow man. That's why I don't get vaccinated. You don't think Stephen Hawking deserves to spin around in space? Outside of a space shuttle, I do.

Well, they should have launched his corpse out there. That would have been pretty cool. Virgin Galactic flight reservations are $250,000. Ah, sure, they'll get that down. Yeah. Then, you know, in 40 years, while we're still alive, they'll get that down to a measly $500.

Right? Solid oxygen. Once they set up the Martian space colonies. Elon Musk has said his eventual goal is for one-way tickets to Mars aboard a starship to cost about the same. Well, that's convenient.

Doesn't it take like seven years to get to Mars? Yeah, it takes a long time. It's like a while away. Mars I'm for because Mars sucks. This is a rock. I think you've got to build a thing out there. You've got to live in a storage container.

Well, yeah, basically. You're going to live in a biodome. Grow shit potatoes. Recycle your feces. That I like. I like that. I haven't seen that astronaut... Is that what it was called?

The Matt Damon movie? Shit potatoes? Yeah, shit potatoes starring Matt Damon. That was what they called it. Look. No, what's it called? The Astronaut Farmer? Was that it? It's got two S's, though. It was what they called it. Look. No, what's it called? The Astronaut Farmer? Was that it?

It's got two S's though. It's called The Astronaut. Astronaut. Yeah. Yeah. It's called The Mars. Because he grows shit potatoes. The Mars Man.

The Mars Man. The Martian. If you want to hear about rich people, yachts, whatever. I've been on a boat before yeah no big deal so you know what that's like

supermodel I bet she's annoying as fuck and I have banged as I said a woman yes or two yes

but going into space some of them made out of plastic one of them made out of silicon rubber going into space with metal joints in her no not even close it's not going to happen.

And they're going to talk about it forever. It's going to be the new thing. I do think there should be a moratorium where if anyone talks about space, we just ignore it. I'm saying if a couple challengers were to happen. A couple now. Not even just one.

No, no, no. Not two, three. Yeah. Yeah. To be fair the first time one of those things explodes with a bunch

of billionaires in it oh god it's gonna be it's gonna be an interesting day let's put it that way and all the communists online are gonna be

all weepy yeah they're gonna oh this is a horrible thing that happened cause you gotta remember there was working there was like space bus drivers

on there that also died oh god okay so fucking sad that we wiped out all these hedge fund managers and billionaires in one in one challenger part two anyway that's my problem okay dick wants to blow up spaceships containing people i don't want to do it but if it happens if it happens i will not shed tears if it happened there's a lot of annoying stories that would be prevented yeah from there's a lot of annoying stories that would be prevented

from people who... A lot of Instagram accounts would not be filled with stupid spacecraft. There's going to be Instagram selfies from space. Like crazy.

Yeah. I don't want to live in that world. I want to be dead before that happens. I already don't know what the deal is with all those

Instagram people who just post them throwing money around. You ever see like they have fake planes to make it look like you're flying in your own like luxury jet? Oh, yeah. Yeah, that you just get on, you have a photo op. I've flown in a plane before. No big deal. You know what's up?

Fucking 18-year-old going into space. Well, maybe they deserve it. Maybe his family worked very hard to afford that space. No 18-year-old deserves to be in space. Not one. He might be a virgin. He might be. Is it a guy or a girl?

It's a guy. Oh, okay. I thought it was a girl. I figured Richard Branson Was trying to get handsy With some young buck I hope so Join the

I hope that that 18 year old does Join the What would you call it? It wouldn't be the mile high club How far up are you? A hundred kilometers Hectometers Yeah

For you For your metrics I was going to say I'm not I'm not going'm not gonna claim I'm the master of the metric but I should the American

public school system has done me wrong speaking of influencers I would immediately jerk off in space are you kidding I think you're gonna have to fight them

stop me from jerking off you can't fight someone jerking off you're only enhancing their jerk off I'm gonna grab my dick by the root as hard as I can.

Go ahead. Try to stop me. I mean, I guess if you get a head start on them and they don't know what's going on and then just let it float around. I'll have myself edged. Yeah, you're gonna get yourself to the point. Yeah. Jam the auto blow in your pants just working it

and then at the last minute floating out like 2001 Space Odyssey. I think the astronauts, they have like a special way to jerk off. Or they have to go in the toilet. Yeah, but don't they have a weird toilet? So it's like a hose probably.

Yeah, they get to suck it out. So you just put the hose on there and then jerk off? Yeah. That's what my friend told me. He came in and answered a bunch of space questions from the audience. That's interesting. There's a lot of space stuff around here because there's the rocket propulsion labs in this area. JPL?

Yeah. I have a buddy who used to be my best friend and now he's a genius and he won't talk to me. That's not exactly true. He won't talk to you anymore? No, I just haven't talked to him forever. Was it over a woman? No, it was a guy. Over a woman, I mean?

No, it was not over a woman. Oh, okay. All right. It's just like he got a job at NASA and I haven't talked to him because I'm like, eh, what are we going to talk about? He's going to talk about math.

He's going to talk about Star Wars. I'm going to say I make Star Wars videos for children. And it's going to be embarrassing okay speaking of influencers dick speaking of people who make their living on the internet being uh jerk offs being scumbags flaunting their moronic lives for everyone there's's been a study, study of the children. Not that kind of, that sounds terrible.

A study conducted about children. Nobody studied a child. They surveyed a thousand children about what careers they would most be interested in. Number 10, lawyer, 6%. Writer, 8%. That that's good i like writers athlete 11 classic tv presenter that's interesting like a newsman tv no like uh carson daly or

something yeah maybe like a like a late night host yeah doctor nurse 13 kids are getting it done we got filmmaker above that 14 actor 15 musician singer 16 these last two have me a bit concerned okay number two dick yeah job the children want rapist blogger slash vlogger okay they want to tell everyone about how exciting their life is yeah everything that happens to them okay but worse than that dick number one with 34 of children surveyed the youtuber 30 34% A third of kids A third of kids want to be YouTubers? want to be YouTubers. Hmm.

My problem is bad, bad role models. I don't know what you would call this problem. YouTube, YouTube Future YouTubers? I mean,

YouTube aspirations? YouTube aspirations. Yeah. Children idolizing YouTubers. Yeah. YouTubers suck. Now, I know that might sound hypocritical coming from me, a guy who has made a bit of a mark on YouTube.

Right. Has made videos. Yeah. But when I think of these kids, I think when they're looking at YouTubers, I don't think they're looking at me. I don't think they're going, I want to be that fat guy who screams about Star Wars.

No, you don't think so. No, no, no. I don't think that's what it is. Okay. I think they're watching these guys like Logan Paul, like PewDiePie. Guys whose names I should not know. Yeah.

I only know of them because they're such, well, PewDiePie guys whose names I should not know yeah I only know of them because they're such well PewDiePie is okay yeah I like PewDiePie yeah PewDiePie is at least like one of the first guys there and he pioneered it but then you have all these other guys who come in and they're like oh I'll just do exactly what he did right but like more obnoxious and stupid. I'm just going to play video games for children and scream at them. Okay. And that's going to entertain 10 year olds because they're morons. I was going to, I was going to use a slur.

Let's just say they're morons. Okay. They have limited intelligence. Yeah. Children should be banned from watching this garbage what should children be wanting to aspire to be every other thing on the list i i'm fine if you want to be a musician look it's a pie in the sky fucking thing you're gonna get a little guitar you're not really gonna learn how to play it good but at least yeah it's respectable to try and make a make a delightful

song that entertains the world okay Okay. Actors and filmmakers bringing us great art. Doctors and nurses and even lawyers helping out in some ways. I think we have enough lawyers. Well, I mean, we do have a lot of them. Not all of them are great, but some of them help out the common man. No. No. Not a single one?

Not a single lawyer has ever accomplished any good? I don't know. Not very. There's lawyers on both sides of each equation. That's the problem. Yeah. You just want to have no part of that? Yeah.

The point is that we need to provide children with better role models than these douchebags. Half of them have some sort of stupid accent and you just get popular by going, Hey, it's me, Dirk E.T. and we're playing Minecraft. And they wear a stupid fucking hat and they make a stupid noise with their mouth and these kids go,

I love watching Turkeyman 9000. He's so good at Fortnite. No grown man should be good at fortnight no grown man should be good at fortnight yeah no grown man should be playing minecraft professionally especially if your audience is comprised of children if you are influencing the lives of children you should you should elevate your content to provide some sort of meaningful growth for these kids. Like whom? Like Thomas Sowell?

Would that be a good role model for kids? No, I'm thinking of like fucking Mr. Rogers, okay? Oh, Mr. Rogers? Mr. Rogers. Putting fucking sweaters on. Putting his sweater on. Putting his shoes on. Telling kids, hey, take care of yourself and the people around you.

These days, there are no Mr. Rogers left. It's just just have you seen blimpy what about mr beast he gives everybody like 10 000 bucks that's basic that's way better than mr rogers because he's teaching kids that oh you should just get rich just yeah you should celebrate money it's the best thing ever it is get rich or your life is useless and meaningless just have millions of dollars like me i'm popular because i give money away no that's a terrible it's true though that is why he's popular it does it's not a good life lesson and these kids they go i want to be like mr beast

and i give people i hate i hate mr beast's fucking like i planted a bunch of trees i gave like homeless people a fucking tesla model isn't it because it's all it's he didn't do it it's all paid for by his fucking sponsors he did nothing oh they're like i can't believe how generous he is giving away his money no he's giving away nokia's money or whoever has their fucking cell phone game or whatever the fuck he's doing nothing the amount of money he gives away is not at all comparable to the obscene ad revenue is getting in. And he goes, Oh shucks.

I can't believe I'm helping the world here. I'm such a giving motherfucker. You do, you do. It's all for your benefit. Well, how much money, how much of Nokia's money have you given away?

I don't have that opportunity. If Nokia wants to step in and give me $10 million to figure out how to give it away and plant a fucking tree, fine! How many trees have you planted? You could do that. I don't plant any trees. I don't have the money or the time. You could plant a seed. I have no interest.

Okay? Because I'm not Mr. Beast pretending. I'm saving the world and I'm inspiring everybody and kids everywhere. No! How are you inspired by that what is inspirational about a man that has millions of dollars and and what screams at children has little minecraft competitions and accomplishes nothing of intellectual or moral value it is pure trash and that is coming from a man who professionally reviews Star Wars movies. I know what I make is trash. That's the point.

I don't go out here and say, children, be like me. 34% of you should aspire to be in my position. Guys like Mr. Beast or fucking Blippo and fucking Tingle and whatever. What about Keemstar? Keemstar's fine. I have no beef with Keemstar. Good man. Great man. Leave me alone, Keemstar. You have any opinions about Keemstar? Keemstar is fine. I have no beef with Keemstar. Good man.

Great man. Leave me alone, Keemstar. I want no part of it. These motherfuckers just go out and ruin the world and tell kids, look at me. This is great. Be like me. Be as giving and wonderful as me. No, it's trash.

It's garbage. Our kids need better role models. So like Mr. B's. YouTube role models is the problem. But how are you going to give away money if it's not a company's money? Nobody else has any money to give away. Because you're getting taxed to death. You can help the world in ways that don't involve you.

Like getting vaccinated? Yes, getting vaccinated. You can help the world in ways that don't involve you in this megalomanical fucking vanity project where you present yourself as the world's greatest philanthropist giving away company's money for stupid prank stunts and garbage okay i would be fine with it if he didn't come out as this aw shucks oh gee whiz guys i can't believe i'm saving the world every fucking day shut the fuck up you do you do this for money you make money from this yeah this is not a philanthropal fucking non-profit enterprise what about all the money that the

vaccine companies made that's fine that's what they deserve They put in the time and the effort R&D's not cheap R&D's getting it done YouTube role models is my problem, Dick So if Mr. Beast was like Hey, I'm giving away 10,000 bucks and I don't think women should be more than 10 pounds overweight, you'd be okay with that?

I'd be totally okay with it I'd be like, that guy's awesome. I would be... I don't want... I think that is a good role model, actually. Don't pretend to kids that you are, what, some shining fucking example for the world. He's making money.

What about Mr. Rogers? That guy was always acting up his own ass like he was so perfect. Like, yeah, fucking right. Mr. Rogers cared about the kids. Did he have any kids? I don't think he did. Well, no, I'm fucking right. Mr. Rogers cared about the kids. Did he have any kids? I don't think he did. Well, no, I'm not sure.

Maybe he did. There you go. I don't know. That's a little odd, don't you think? Yeah, it's a little odd. Am I the only one that just doesn't like Mr. Rogers and never did? He takes so long to get to his point. He's like, hey, kids, today we're going to learn about shoes.

Like, man, just get to fucking King Friday. Get to trolley. Get a fucking tap dancer to come over or something. You're talking about fucking buttoning shoes today, Mr. Rogers? Fuck, where is Sesame Street? I need Grover. If Elmo is on this episode, I'm going to fucking bust a nut. I fucking hate Elmo.

Fuck you. I think the point is children had slightly longer attention spans before reaching the... We didn't have a choice. Well, which was probably good. Like, here you go. Three, two, one, contact. Oh, awesome. I think they did a study at one point.

Any idea when this will end? I think they did a study of children's television. Life, I mean. How many cuts modern television has for children versus before. Yeah. It's like four times as many cuts. Oh, because they're... Because it's fast.

Attention spans. Yeah, you got to match the kids. They're all ADD, hyperactive autism. TV was way too slow back in the day. Every Sesame Street went on way too long. Yeah. It was like Saturday Live went on way too long. I do remember certain shows where I was just like this is a fucking drag

Did you ever watch what was that fucking the gnomes the gnome thing on the gnome David the gnome great show? That didn't have super slow pacing. Yeah, it did. Yeah, I couldn't deal with it Was that like a 70s show? That they just put on TV 80s now show that they just put on tv 80s now count duckula now that wait which one is count duckula where he drinks the fruit juice no vegetables and stuff what was it was that the name of the show i think so it was the same group that made banana man is the same kind of feel yeah i remember mr wizard just hated have you ever seen the super Do you remember Eureka's Castle? Yeah, I remember Eureka's Castle. I remember Mr. Wizard just hated... Have you ever seen the supercut? You remember Mr. Wizard,

right? He was doing science experiments with kids? Yeah. There's like a supercut of just how much he hated children because on the show, it's just like him and he's like, well, David, you did it wrong. He's like, all right, Miranda, just push this. Nope, don't do that. And you're like, wow, this guy hates kids. Is Mr. Wizard a good role

model for kids? Yes, yes. Okay. Because he's doing fucking science. Because he's honest. Because he's forward. He's not selling any ads. Mr. Wizard isn't fucking selling more to Rick and Bob. He's going, hey, kids, science is really cool,

and I don't care about you all that much. He's not selling himself. He's selling the fun. What about Bill Cosby? Bill Cosby's a fantastic role model. Fantastic role model. He's selling for young boys, teaching you how to read. Yeah. What about Bill Cosby? Bill Cosby's a fantastic role model. Fantastic role model. Young boys teaching you how to read.

Yeah. Teaching you to always stand up for yourself. Are we talking about, what, the Cosby show right now? Talking about anything related to Bill Cosby. Fat Albert. Fat Alberto. Did you ever see the, you know, there's the Fat Albert show where they just, one of the kids just is like. Cosby kids, yeah. Yeah, but one of them's they meet another kid

and he's retarded I mean that's what they say in the episode they're like what's up with Jimmy and the teacher's like he's retarded cause

I mean now Mush Mouth is there too well Mush Mouth yeah they don't say Mush Mouth anything like well Mush Mouth is probably the same

but how retarded is he I think he was what race is he he's black he's a black kid i'm pretty sure oh wow yeah and it's all and then cosby and then cosby comes in you know they have the little interlude where he's like behind his fence he goes if you ever meet a retarded child you get the feet get them yeah i can't do a cosby right now because it's theo you can! You can do a Cosby. He's innocent. Yeah.

He's a free man. Oh, he's innocent. Yeah, he's innocent. He did nothing. What do you call someone who's not in jail for crimes? Innocent. I don't think that's what it is. Well...

What is the technical term? Is that he got off on a technicality, so he's neither guilty nor innocent. No, the technical term is innocent. Right. So, Bill Cosby, you think is a good role model for kids no i didn't say that that's not what i'm saying it's not it's not the point not what we're voting on mr wizard i think uh yeah that was his name right who else besides mr beast keem so you Keemstar. Keemstar is a great role model for kids. Just find stupid pointless drama and accuse 18 year olds of being groomers.

That's always good stuff. I don't know who's a good role model on YouTube. Nobody on YouTube. Are you allowed to make money as a role model? Yeah. For kids? Sure. Okay.

But the amount of money you can't, if the way that you make money is by giving money away, you can't make money. Okay. But you can't claim that the giving money away has, has intrinsic charitable value. It's literally charity though. It is how you make money. So it's no longer charity at that point. I guess. I just, I don't know, man. You don't like...

I don't want kids looking up to Mr. Beast. Well, in the future, like you want... You're a liberal. Yeah. So you just want to take my money right give it to people like ubi right and have everybody don't not do any work and get free money right yeah exactly so what are they going to do in that world it'll just be a bunch of youtubers giving it away no they'll just be youtubing to each other for clicks yeah well there's. There's no, once you, this is your liberal doing

by making entitlements and welfare. But I'm hoping. You've created a system. I'm hoping, these kids, again, these kids who want to be YouTubers. Yeah. Okay, if they said like, oh, I want to make like, you know,

in-depth looks at, you know, movie, you know, like, I don't know. Like the coronavirus hoax. No, no, no. Oh, no, no. I want to do. I want to make a special for Newsmax About the election fraud

They said like I want to make I want to make creative things That spotlight my unique creativity And you know narrative driven Focused content Not just playing Fortnite And screaming at it But that's what they mean when they say

We want to be YouTubers They don't want to make something of value Did you want to be anything when you were a kid i wanted to be a writer oh really yeah like you remember being a kid and thinking like oh wow i'd really love to like fucking i remember that i really liked jurassic park and i was like wow that steven spielberg's a great writer and then they're like no actually Michael Crichton wrote it and I'm like you want to be Michael Crichton well I was like I remember being like well why is it not called Michael Crichton's Jurassic Park

the writer's the most important part of the whole fucking thing oh I see yeah wanted the power I just I don't know man I always thought you know guys who can write a write a good story I was like that's I was always writing I knew a writer you knew a writing. I knew a writer. You knew a writer?

Yeah, I knew a writer once. We had a show together. Oh, yeah? For real. Is he still writing? No. No? No, he gave it up.

Did he have some books? Does he stand by all his work? No. No? He's disowned some of it? He's disowned some of it. I hate to see that. Okay, that was your problem?

YouTube role models. Shut it down. YouTube role models. Okay, pretty good. Pretty good. Pretty good. I don't know. I don't know which one I'm doing here.

I think I want to do... I think I'm going to do the N-word defense. Okay. Well, that's good. This is... The N-word defense. All right Well, that's good. So this is... The N-word defense. Alright, well I look forward to see... I mean, to be fair, I did blackface, so...

Yeah, and you actually... I can't claim any moral... Didn't I win with blackface? The war on blackface? The war on blackface. I didn't win? Who won that one? I don't think so. I think it was voted pretty highly. This is a... Can people see that right now?

No, people can't see it. The reason this is the biggest problem in the universe is because it is a... It's the best... It's the only defense you need in life. It's the best, the first and last line of defense for any behavior that any person

on the planet is found guilty of. This is footage... Oh, I saw this video. You did? This is footage of a tournament, a glory kickboxing tournament champion, Joe Schilling, who assaulted a guy at a bar.

Bellator champion, too. Yeah, Bellator champion. No, do you? It's like a European fighting thing. Kickboxing? Yeah. Okay. They were really trying to push it at one point.

Let me see if I can pull it up here. Just because I like pulling things up. Toucan browser. Oh, yeah, that'll do it. That's good. That'll do it. Okay, now this is the championship kickboxer. What you'll see here is a man.

This man is not the kickboxer. No, this is a slob. He's tied his tie so that it overlaps his belt, which is... That's how to do it. Not only is he outside looking like this, but I presume he's had his tie like this all day. So he's getting shit-faced. He has not loosened his tie at all.

He's dancing with this chicken cut-off shorts who's got some thick thighs, and she's got some nice cans uh pretty big pretty good pretty big and i think this kickboxer is uh overcome with jealousy about what a good time this guy's having and he comes over and just levels him it's 20 seconds long i'll play it for you right here veto all right you ready yeah let me turn it down a little just a touch just a smidge he's just drinking having a's just drinking, having a good time. Just drinking, having a good time at Chili's.

This bitch is hanging on his back. Rubbing her tits all over his elbow and his back. Oh, wow. This guy's having the time of his life. Now he's doing pretend arm wrestling moves. I think he's getting this beat here. Okay, now this is the kickboxer, right? Yeah. I think he's getting this beat here. Oh. Okay, now this is the kickboxer, right?

Yeah. I'm still going to watch. The kickboxer has to go through him. Right. So he comes up and touches him on purpose. The kickboxer goes out of his way. The kickboxer kind of goes like, hey, man, get out of my way. Yeah, aggressively.

Gives him a bit of a touch. Okay, here we go. Now the tie to Gentleman. Oh no. The guy with the tie does nothing. Well, he kind of does a little move. He does a little like, hey, what's going on here kind of look, you know? And then the kickboxer turns around and out of nowhere...

Destroys his face. It's like the bell rings in his head and he attacks him and brutally assaults him, right? Yeah. There you go. Oh, one shot. Devastating multiple pivot shot. Yeah. Right for the chin.

He knows what he's doing. Totally cold cocked by a championship kickboxer. Right? And the guy's out, right? Yeah. Well, there's no excuse for that behavior. Well, Vito, you would think that there's no excuse for that behavior, right? Right.

Let me read his statement here. Oops. Whoops. I can't imagine. An apology? Did he write an apology? Did he write an apology? That would have been the thing to do. Yeah. Right? Well,

it turns out he was writing a wrong. Here's his statement. Little context. This guy's rapping. I think that's, is that raping or rapping? I think rapping. Yeah, rapping. This guy's rapping like an idiot. That's the start of his statement. Was he rapping. I think that's... Is that raping or rapping? I think rapping. Rapping? Yeah, rapping. This guy's rapping like an idiot.

That's the start of his statement. Was he rapping? I didn't see that in the video. He was kind of dancing around. Yeah, dancing a little bit. Being drunk at a bar. Yeah. That's what he was doing.

Big titty bitch. Can't have that. Grinding on his back. Yeah. Heaven. The busboy... Yeah? Here we go. Were there details about the busboy? The busboy Here we go

Were there details about the bus boy? The bus boy Who happens to be black Oh Interesting Walks by And this idiot bumps into him And screams out

Me and broke I assume this is the n-word Oh my Cause it's bleeped out Yeah it's got some stars Me and broke N-words We don't get along

So he's singing his rap song, I guess. The busboy was seriously offended. This is a championship. This is a man we're talking about. Jumping to defend the honor of a man. Of a black busboy. This is... Defending a man's honor.

Yeah. But doesn't want... But he's seriously offended, but doesn't want to lose his job. As the night goes on, this clown starts looking at me. I go outside to smoke. As I'm walking back, he bumps into me, which obviously didn't happen. The guy walked right into him. I put my hand out to catch him.

No, you, what? No. He immediately says, sorry. You can see me nod my head like, cool. Then he realizes it's me The guys he's been raping or rapping at all night Yells hey I turn around

Rapping at Wait he said So this guy was rapping in his direction I suppose so How dare he I didn't realize you could direct it Was he just staring at him and rapping You can't rap at someone

No In that way I mean It's usually more yeah all right he realizes it's me the guys he's been he's been rapping at all night and yells hey i turn around and he flexes on me that's why you can't have flexing a guy yeah a guy no right first he raps at him then he flexes on him Bad decisions are made Every day There's only one way

To solve this scenario The bus boy Oh that's when he Oh he made a decision That's when the Attempted murder That's the end of the story That's when the

Attempted murder happens Bad decisions are made Every day The bus boy Who was I'm adding this The bus boy Who you remember

From the beginning of the story Was black Oh right yeah And the DJ I don't know what race Could be anyone He was But he's in

Musical entertainment I don't know Came up to me To thank me To thanks me Came up to thanks me Wow As you can see

From this video When he flexed on me I was scared for my life Motherfucker God damn it And suddenly Defending myself Against the evil The evil in this world on me I was scared for my life motherfucker god damn it and certainly defending myself against the evil the evil in this world

that's Joe Schilling on the bar I love that he produced it it looks like a magazine ad yeah is this how we do apologies now is you gotta find a graphic designer to put together a spread it's not an apology no it's the n-word see what happened was

I got jealous seeing a guy dance with a big boob lady and then I picked a fight with him. As a man with no joy in my heart, I saw another man who's still carefree and fun. Yeah, dancing around,

having an improperly tied tie. Yes. And I laid him out. In my... Yeah. And then what happened was in the in the aftermath i said well what happened was he's called he said the end he was racist so it's okay it's uh a chivalry it's a chivalry it's a chivalry on behalf yeah not towards women right but on behalf of black men. Right.

Which is really, really weird. You don't think it's the job of the white man to step up and protect? Does that feel maybe like a white savior complex, perhaps? A little bit. A little bit. Is it? How far? What behavior would this not be?

Because clearly people buy this. Yeah. Right? You can read the responses. Oh, our people are people like, well, all right. Yeah. He's defending against racism.

Yeah. And now we've got, now the UK government is trying to remove anonymity online. Oh, I did see that. For basically the same reason. Like, well, these guys are... They're saying the N-word a whole bunch of times. We need to know who's doing it.

We've got to remove all anonymity online. Well, what about people in marginalized groups? What if you're a beaten housewife who's managed to escape your abusive husband and now you've got internet yeah you set up a new facebook profile and they're like no no no no no no no no we can't assumed names here i'm sorry it would help you but we can't have these guys saying the n-word you need to publicly announce your name and location immediately. Yeah. See, it's obvious when it's this muscle dummy meathead who's like, guys, I mean, you saw me attempt to murder that guy. Right.

But he said he called the busboy N-word. And now you have the entire government going, well, we do like privacy and anonymity and stuff. And, you know, a private company can do whatever we want, but those guys are saying the fucking N-word over there. There's common sense limits to free speech, and clearly this is the plan. I think we all understand that guys are saying the N-word,

so it's pretty much you can do whatever you want. You just start punching and start making laws. If he had pulled out a gun and shot that guy in the head, I mean, how can I find fault with that? He said the N-word. Do you not get that? Right. I mean, the entire-

Do you understand? Let me break it down. Do you understand what- The N-word was said by this man. As anything goes. So I had to take a red hot spike and drive it through his eye and pierce his brain. I mean, what else could I? I feared for my life.

We like. A man who would use that word. He's capable of saying it again. He might say it twice. He might shout it. He might not even just use it in a rap song. He might say it. He might say it obliquely.

He might whisper it under his breath. Are you prepared? Are we as a country prepared to allow guys to think about saying the n-word? No. No. We've got to monitor that and shut

that down. We've got to beat if we have strong muscle guys around go beat their ass immediately. And if not, we'll take care of it through the proper legal channels. Right. By removing the concept of privacy.

It just sounds like a sane solution. It's the only thing... I mean, he said the N-word. That's it. It's game over, man. It's game over. The N-word defense. The N-word defense. He can't argue against it.

It's not even... I would posit that it's not even an argument. It's like a law of gravity. Right. Saying someone... A fundamental law that anything to stop that behavior and expose it is the correct path. Is the correct. Is the correct. Is the correct action.

Is not even a decision. They. No, the decision has been made. By them. By universal law. By the person who said the end. Right. You don't decide to do gravity.

Right. It just works. It's like that guy. An isosceles triangle has equal signs. Saline. If you say the N word. Oh, yeah. We shut it down. Shut it N-word, we shut it down. We shut it down. We gotta shut it down.

If it's one guy, we're shutting you down. If you're using the internet, we're shutting that down. If we catch you listening to a rap CD and you're even just mumbling along with it, a task force is going to burst through your window and fucking kill you.

Did you ever see the article that uh accused me of spreading uh racism online no what was that there was uh there was this what do you call it uh two cat women two want two wine moms wrote an article about fandom radicalizing people oh yeah okay and they used me as an example of even though even though this Vito guy isn't one of these far right guys, even these guys in the median are still questionable. Oh, and they go, he spreads racist speech on YouTube and are on Twitter. You do. And it was Yeah, me and the tweet was, whenever I listen to the song Table Dance by Maestro, I will say the N-word and I don't feel bad about it. Because it's... And I did not tweet the actual N-word. See?

I just said, I'm okay with saying it when I listen to this song that I greatly enjoy and I cannot stop myself. You're asking for it. And they said, that's racist speech. speech yeah how dare i justify these actions the government's gonna send over that fucking muscle dummy he's gonna kick your kick your ass i sent these women multiple emails saying i challenge you to listen to table dance by maestro and not say that word i i don't think it's possible to do it have you you ever heard that song? Do you know that song? I would know it if you sang it. Do you know Chris Rock, I think, even did.

He goes, I use the word buddy as my stand-in. Not ninja. I don't like that. That's too close. The lyrics of the song are, can a buddy get a table dance? Shake it up, shake it up. Woo back that thing.

It's just talking about sluts and bitches yeah you go you go to the club you get a table dance yeah you have a real good time and that's just me celebrating with this gentleman and celebrating his community and what they're about when i listen to that song and men yeah are about getting table dance getting table dances kind of having a real good time buddies and non buddies alike. Yeah, right I wrote on a friend of mine in college broke his arm. Yeah You're out the unordered on the cast. I did. Yeah Said something like my and Did he know that you did it does he was he just like, yeah. Well, he knew after I wrote it. You should have wrote it

on the under. I was drunk. I was very, very, very drunk. I was very drunk and I wrote something like, what's up my buddy?

You got to write it on the underside where you can't see it. No, it's right here. Right on top. I don't know why I did it. Should have put a swastika.

That would have been better. That would have been pretty good That has hate in it though No It's a Buddhist symbol What's up my buddy doesn't So he had to go to an interview The guy interviewing him was black

He couldn't scratch over it or something? He didn't Put some sticker Get some stickers We weren't He wasn't thinking it through He's like I just gotta get there All you have to do is go to the doctor

And put a new piece of plaster Put another piece of plaster on top There's a lot of ways to get around I feel like that happens a lot Or just How many guys are going to the doctor And you go I got a problem with my cast

He goes another n-word Alright alright Come on in Every day there's two or three of you guys And actually Actually the guy whose cast I wrote it on Was me This is some Black Mirror shit

I'm just joking This is some Twilight Zone It just blew my mind So that's my problem What are our problems for today Dick? What did you have? I had COVID deniers How many deaths Would have not been a big deal For you? for today, Dick. What did you have? COVID deniers. I had COVID deniers.

How many deaths would have not been a big deal for you? What's the number? Everyone counts. No, don't say everyone. Like, how many would not have been a big deal? If it was actually

equal to the flu, I'd be like, yeah. 60,000? Yeah, 60,000. That's not so bad. 60,000 would be like, eh, it's like a flu. That's not a big deal?

No. We'll get there. We'll have a year where COVID only kills 60,000 people. I'm looking forward to it. Not me, man. No. God gave us this beautiful virus. I did my part by trying to incubate a mutation,

but I can only do so much. Well, thank you for your service, Dick. My body. I can only use my body one time. You're basically a veteran now. Yeah. You and Frank Castle should hang out and talk about him. I would love to hang out with Frank Castle. Really? He might be a little intense for me, though.

Yeah. I feel like you're going to be like, I want to hang out with Frank Castle and then you come back and you go, all right, I've had enough of that for a millennium. Okay, COVID deniers? COVID deniers. Oh, wait, no, you don't like Frank Hassel

You think he's wrong For hassling Boogie I've come a little bit around on the Boogie thing Where I'm like, he did tell him He was like egging him on Pussy, pussy, pussy Come on over, fuck you, whatever the fuck He didn't play it exactly

Boogie belongs, he deserves the electric couch For what he did See that I think is a little too much When you're like, Boogie belongs He deserves the electric couch For what he did Okay See that See that I think is a little too much When you're like Boogie needs to die Be executed for what he did Wait a minute

I think that's going a bit Past the pale What Boogie did Shooting a gun In a residential area Is infinitely more dangerous Not a capital offense Is infinitely more dangerous

Than me not taking An experimental covid vaccine that's a whole other that's a whole other conversation is this is shooting shooting a pistol worse than not getting a vaccine sure i'll give you that okay and boogie deserves no to be put to death for that no what he did to me. Right. To you by not doing your podcast. And he blocked me on Twitter. I do owe Boogie a thing.

I wouldn't be doing this show if not for his little feud with you. Yeah. Okay, so thanks. Thank you, Boogie, for giving me this great opportunity.

COVID deniers. COVID deniers. What did I have? Frank Hasluck. Space tourism. He's a little much. Space tourism. He's probably too funny for tourism much you think he's tourism he's probably too funny for you oh he's too funny yeah there's like there's like i like public comedy right

yeah but when you're legitimately like you got people who are like i think this guy is like gonna kill me or something like he scares the shit out of people no he's dude that one time with that woman or whatever where he's like screaming she's got a knife or whatever the fuck he's hilarious it's a little much it's a little much i like a good public skit as much as anybody else yeah i think you need like a premise you know you need a get a fun costume i guess he doesn't have like a costume yeah he's costumes all right well i'll give him that okay um space tourist space tourists and then you note youtube role models all right and uh n the n-word defense the buddy defense the buddy defense

could you ever imagine that an entire government would use the N-word defense? Would try to shut down the entire... Yeah, I mean, yeah, no, I can imagine that. Guys, we got it. Biden's going to come out. Guys, we have to go to war with China. Why? Their people just keep saying it.

They call the Obama the N-word. It's on. It's fucking... That's not really that much different from, like, the Archduke Ferdinand got assassinated Yeah what did he say? He said the N word Oh right Yeah I heard about that

He said the N word Cause it's like It's like a m'lady but for black people Like you have people going like Oh he called He called my wife a whore Like he called my black guy the N word He insulted my honor yeah

Yeah It's just weird It's weird and It's gay Yeah I don't know any other way To say it Then it's not gay Like

Gay Sexual identity But it's fucking weird Maybe instead of Taking away everyone's rights We can just agree to Pistols at dawn Insult a man's honor

Oh have you heard my idea No what is it Piss Pistool Pistool So if you You can't do pistols anymore Right, you can't so you load up on water

You know have a piss duel and whoever gets more piss on their pants loses the piss stool Right. I'm sorry. Are you so are you where are you like? Where's this peeing? Yeah, but at dawn the piss is the stinkiest covers There's multiple determiners. If we had a problem. Am I trying to piss on you? Yeah, if we had a problem... So we stand facing each other.

Stand back to back. And then do we turn on the count of three? Go. Yeah. Well, you turn when you presumably feel the other guy. You know, it's like who's going to... Right, who's going to pull the gun. Because you have to kind of brew up the piss, you know,

it takes a little bit to get good. You have to release various sphincters. You gotta open the chambers. Yeah. So you're talking shit and you got your man over there in your corner. Who's got some Gatorade and asparagus. Towel for after. Yeah.

And then you go, wham. And then you start, you start! And then you start dancing. You're moving because you don't want to get pissed. No one wants to be pissed on. You're trying to juke. Yeah. You're trying to die. Yeah.

But you can't move too much unless you have a big old penis. And you try to piss on the other guy. Float like a butterfly, piss like a bee, I believe they say. Piss like a horse. Yeah, piss like a horse. Yeah. What do you think about that? I think that

We should go to the UK government And propose this The entire government I feel like the Queen Should hear this The entire government Says no more privacy Because someone said

The N word That's a That's a thing that happened There will be a war over it One of these days I hope so You know what they're gonna say? Uh

They're gonna come out and say aliens called us the N-word. So we're going to nuke Mars. We're going to nuke Mars. That's going to be... The space tourists are going to set up a colony on Mars and we're not going to like the trade embargoes they set up.

And we're just going to say, you know what they do on that colony? Just tossing the N-word around all day long. It's on their currency the Martians need to be the Martians need to be taken down all right should we read super chats now let's read some super chats thanks to everybody here here here who uh came in

to uh say hi to us I don't know where the super chat went we love you and we respect you did you fucking close it no it's the other one the other one's the chat did I close it I Did you fucking close it? No, it's the other one. The other one's the chat. Did I close it? I think you should. No, it's Brave. It's Brave, the lion. Is this one Brave, the lion?

Yeah, that one's Brave. No, it's not. Oh, no. Did I close it? Go back into it. No, no, no. Wait, what's that one? No, no, no, no. That's not it. No. How's everybody doing? How we all feeling here tonight? Dick has closed the window containing your super chats whoops dick what's been going on in your life any pie any just covered positive uh

covid how's the lady holding up don't know she's on vacation oh having fun well what's been going on in my life what has been going on in your life i'm trying to get some videos done but uh the uh what do you think about all these uh video games that are selling for like two million dollars i almost brought that in as a problem it's interesting uh the way it looks right now is that probably two very stupid millionaires bid on a thing that's not nearly as rare as they think it is the other option is that the market manipulators who have made this market as ridiculous it is in a way to try and rival you know like the art market or the comic book market might just be bidding it up with shill bids to create a frenzy from which they profit can we just shrink wrap a game how do you tell if shrink wraps are real uh so you would need to one find a copy of a game that's like really good condition

because otherwise you're gonna be like how to get damaged under the shrink ramp yeah okay uh and then they know the way that they were shrink wrapped they have okay they go it's got to have the h seam it's got to put i really do think you could just replicate yeah right yeah it's shrink wrap i feel like that adds that adds like a million bucks right 1.5 million dollars onto the game right right it's it's a lot of money to figure out how to shrink wrap something I think some Chinese people are going to figure out like hey we can just build a machine or we can just find whatever

machine whatever factory machine these things were coming off yeah if you just find one of those sit around go yeah I'll pay half a million or whatever the fuck this factory setup cost yeah all I gotta do is run 10 games through it and pay for the whole thing times 10. Do you know any Chinese people that we could do this? That we could get to help us out?

I know some Chinese people, but I don't think they, I don't know if they have that shrink wrapping machine. They shrink wrapped Enemy Weapon, currently available at enemyweapon.com. Oh, there you go. The exciting party game for friends and families. Let's see. Let's go through these in order. El Jefe, even before the show started, donated MX50.

Is that Mexican money? Yeah. So what is that, like a dollar? Yeah, probably. I wish they would just convert it for me. The advice girl deserved to be banned from Tinder. Oh, yeah. That's Erin.

Erin the advice girl. Oh. She was advertising her services a long time ago. I, yeah. That's Erin. Erin the advice girl. Oh. She was advertising her services a long time ago. I'm not up on that information. She also deserved to be banned from Tinder because she's so annoying. Is she awful? Subjecting a guy to that. Was she on your show?

Yeah. Where do I listen to that? I don't know. No, she wasn't on my show. She was on a different show. Oh, okay. The show that I did with the writer. I was trying to set you up for a plug, she wasn't on my show. She was on a different show. The show that I did with the writer. I was trying to set you up for a plug, but you can give that later. Dick.show.

Dick.show. MNNM donated some... What the hell is that? It looks like a swastika. No, no, no. It does look like a swastika. It does, kind of. The biggest problem in the universe is my mom using my Sean show glass for goddamn iced coffee.

Is that an approved use of the, uh, the Dick show? Your mom looks like, yeah, we had to do it. Small money with five euros. There was one girl who escaped from North Korea and just celebrated horse.

600,000 subscribers. Well, congratulations to that. See, that's an inspiration. I'm okay with kids being inspired by a YouTuber who escaped from fucking North Korea. Why? That's a harrowing tale of escape from a totalitarian regime. How do you know, though?

I guess I would have to look into it a little more, but I'm going to assume there was some bravery on her part. What if she was the one running the prison camp? Yeah. And she's like, I'm out of here. She just kind of stepped over the line. Fucking picking guys off on her way out. The prisoners were trying to drag her back,

and she's like, get off of me. Yeah. Chocolate Noodle says, Mark. What if she whored her way out? Do you want little girls looking up to that? Like, how'd you get out of North Korea? I whored my way out. All right.

There's a lot of there's a lot of uh things to look at i don't know about that okay well in the abstract yeah i'm going to assume there might be something there in that story that is better than being a millionaire who buys people cars and expects to be patted on the back for it. I like Mr. Beast. I mean, I hate him, but I like that. He's got a good format. I just shut. Stop with this. Aw, shucks.

Humble pie fucking bullshit. Oh, that's what drives me nuts. The humble pie part. The humble pie. He goes on Twitter and he goes, I can't believe I'm in a, I'm in a position to change the world in so many ways. Yeah. I hate that.

It drives me up a fucking wall. Maricopa appetizers are delicious. What does that mean? Can't wait for the main course. My biggest problem is innocent election mistakes. Is he saying that those aren't innocent election mistakes?

Or perhaps... We got all these fucking 80,000 ballots and I got no idea where they... 80,000 ballots. I got no idea where they, oh man, I'm saving that one. Fucking 20,000 ballots. I'm saving that one for the

two weeks, two weeks from now. I mean, it should be a week. Well, we could discuss doing a weekly show. We'll talk about it. There is prep time that goes into it. Yeah. I got a lot of shit going on, but people seem to like the show,

so we'll see. Great way to motivate me is to sign up for the biggest problem in the universe, Patreon. Where can we find that? Patreon.com slash biggest problem. That's a great motivator. That could maybe convince a fat man

to do a weekly episode of a podcast. Maybe I'll get the vaccine. Maybe you get the vaccine. Maybe that'll be a thing. man to do a weekly episode of a podcast. Maybe I'll get the vaccine. Maybe you get the vaccine. Maybe that'll be a thing. I'll get a weekly vaccine. Turbo Garbage with, I believe that's Australian, $5 for Super Chat. Good episode of the new show. A large issue of the world.

Thank you, Turbo Garbage. French pet with five Canadian dollars. Vito, what do I think of the Steam Deck? I kind of want one. Did you see the Steam Deck? It looks see the steam deck it looks like a switch it looks like a switch but it's really i think the better way to look at it is that it's a pc that just happens to have a screen you know you can just hook a monitor and keyboard up to and just use it as a pc so it's crappy no like i think they're selling them at like a you know it's crappy? No, like, I think they're selling them at, like, a, you know,

it's a loss leader or whatever you want to call it, where they want to make the money back by selling you Steam games. So it's actually got, I think, like, its own custom chip in there that's pretty powerful. I'm like, ah, this is kind of interesting. So you play computer games on a handheld device? Yeah. The one thing is I don't know if I would play it.

I would maybe like prop it up on a table and use like a controller. It's supposedly, it's twice as heavy as a Switch. Yeah. It's a bit much. And the battery, I think they're like,

well, if you're playing like, you know, I don't know, the original Warcraft, it'll go for days. You know, like what if I'm playing like, you know,

something modern? They're like, yeah, you get like an hour or two. Sounds like garbage. I think, I think it depends on what you want to do with it like if you want to use it it's garbage if you want to use it as a as purely uh portable experience but i think it would be better to like again like set it up on a table table how much is it uh 400 bucks for the for the

cheapest one then if you want extra you got to get ssd memory and a non-glare screen i think the most expensive one's like 650 it's gonna be interesting it is it kind of a niche market and i don't know if you're just better served by buying a gaming laptop It's really gonna come down to is it fun to play it as a handheld or is it a heavy? You know thing with no battery wrists It's gonna be a purple tunnel the video where they showed it off the video where they showed it off The guy is clearly balancing it on a knee and I'm like, yeah, it's not good dog shit. That's not good I find it interesting Ed Starr with 100 oh my 100 American dollars

What do you got on the soundboard? Come on, give me something I don't I only have the Sean animal corner Give me a Sean You get a Sean's animal corner I forgot to switch it over to the other one Whatever, we're going to have some stuff

Ed Starr with $100 says, My friend from Las Vegas, Jacob, told me Nevada and California are about to go to war over water from a vanishing Colorado river. That's interesting. I haven't heard about that. Have you heard about this? The water wars?

The water wars? I don't know, but I hope both of those states lose. Is there anyone who can detail that? Vito's next problem is buffalo horns? I don't know, but I hope both of those states lose. Is there anyone who can detail that? Vito's next problem is buffalo horns? I don't know what that is. Yeah. All right. Annika O'Brien, a verified account says Dick is the greatest.

You have a fan in Annika. Thanks for coming by, Annika. I kind of feel like we need a... I was going to bring in a water problem this week, too. We got to get a third chair at some point. We can bring a guest in. You want to bring Mr. Beast in? Yeah, let's bring in Mr. Beast.

No, I was thinking we should have a third chair to keep track of the chat, see if anybody brings up any good points. Oh, yeah. Well, it's supposed to be Johnny, but... He's always working. We got to give him a little... Did he make crazy money? Well, he, you can't make crazy money. Well,

he makes like a regular money. Yeah. Uh, remember you can go to patrion.com slash. What is it? Biggest problem. Biggest problem to, uh,

help us try to afford Johnny. We get someone on discord to do it. We could find somebody. The chat is always cancer. They're saying, well, I think we've got a show there, Dick.

Yeah. All right. Go to biggest prop, biggest problem. Dot show. Go to biggestproblem.show to vote. You gotta vote. Which problem was the biggest? I've got some comments. Mine was probably mine. Probably vote for me. You think so?

I think so. Which one do you think is gonna win? Probably the one that killed 600 million people. COVID deniers, though? There's a lot of us. You got to understand something. We're really fucking tired of being talked down to. Every time. You're petulant

children and that's how we have to talk to you. No. I ain't getting that vaccine. I'm not getting the vaccine. I ain't gonna get it. Why's my dad dead? Why's my wife dead? I don't know, man. I'm not getting the vaccine. I ain't gonna get it. Why's my dad dead? Why's my wife dead? I don't know, man. I can't figure it out. I get the house. Why my

lungs feel all floated? There's something up in them. It's not that bad. It's not that dangerous. It's not that bad for you. Yes. I mean, you don't interact with... There's people out there living with their families. They got old people around them them They should get the vaccine If they wanted that

But a lot of them aren't They're the problem Well I'm even willing to say You who isolates I don't know what kind of Social life you have I don't isolate

I had it I'm not joking I'm out all the time I have not even tried I've not tried to do Anything that's recommended I've always gone out To raves.

Florida, obviously. You were making fun of me for going to Florida and having a big super spreader event. I had a lot of fun. And it's shocking that it took 18 months for me to get it. That's the story. I did absolutely nothing.

Didn't avoid anybody. You wore the masks. You wore the mask. You wore the mask. I wore the ones that aren't effective though. You wore the shitty mask. I wore the cloth ones that don't work. Yeah. And that they don't work anyway unless you're sick. Right. You can't stop getting sick. I am surprised that I never got

it because I am a filthy individual who does not practice good hygiene. There you go. I just fucking love touching my face. I don't know why, and I'm never going to stop. Ladies and gentlemen. Yeah. I think this has been the biggest problem.

Yeah, all right. This is from the Cuck Sockers, this theme. Maybe we'll let people vote. We should let people figure out what theme they like. Thank you to everybody who made a theme, but here you go. We'll be right back. Thank you. They called you a Mr. Beast truther. Yep. I'll take that. I'm the ultimate Mr. Beast truther.

Because he always posts those like, geez, guys, follow me so I can help. I'm going to give $100 away to make your day a little better. Can you believe how incredible? No, because you get when you do that, you get millions more followers. Oh, I know. I'm giving away $1,000.

Can you believe how generous I am? You're just buying followers. We know what you're doing. Yeah, but you couldn't do it. Because I don't have the money to give away. But what if I saw Mr. Beast was giving they got VidCon coming up, the YouTuber thing, and it's like,

Mr. Beast giving you the tips and tricks to becoming a successful YouTuber. I'm like, give away money. Yeah, give away tens of millions of dollars? Like, what? What the fuck could I possibly learn from this man? What if you did like a satire of like Mr. Anti-Beast?

Yeah. I take money from people. You just say that you're giving money and you don't ever give anybody any money? Yeah. Like dumb Mr. Beast. Yeah. I should like, I should bring like cancer patients and I should be like alright, you can either open this box

or you can have what's in inside this pinata. If more cancer, there's bees in the, in the crate and there's twice as many bees in the pinata. And I go, you are fucked either way. Cause that's life. And then it's like,

Oh, I said, I'd give you like retweet. Whoever retweets this, I'll pick somebody and give them $10,000. You're right. Well, I didn't say when I would give you the 10 thousand that's fair or i said doll hairs doll hair i clearly said doll hairs why don't you do that i don't i don't i don't no one would buy that veto is giving away ten thousand dollars veto all right mr mr anti-Beast Mr. Beast

Mr. Beast Mrs. Bleast You got a little fucking mustache Okay This is some high parody we're going with Right now This is really the cutting edge See he's Mr. Beast

So you would be Mrs. Bleast Mr. Bene, so you would be Mrs. Bleast. Mr. Beneath. Mr. Beneath. Mr. Beneath. And your money, it's not real. You know, people are never going to leave me alone about getting a vaccine. They're going to still go, you should get it.

Yeah. What are you talking about? I already got it. Well, you might get the Delta. And after that comes the Quadra. The Lambda. The Lambda. There's just 15. The Lambda, The lambda. There's just 15.

The lambda pie. There's just 22 more variants to flatten the curve. You're going to get the Omega Moo? Yeah. I'm making a revenge of the nerds references now. All right. Goodbye, everybody. Goodbye.

Mr. Yeast. How about that? Mr. Yeast. Oh. He gives bread away. He gives bread. All right. How about that? Mr. Yeast. Oh. He gives bread away. He gives bread. All right.

End this stream. Go to OBS and end this.