The Biggest Problem in the Universe - Episode 6 - Gas the Asylum

Episode Date: August 2, 2021

Deinstitutionalization, Two-Factor Authentication, Silver Alerts, Presidential Gas Gripers

Why are you editing an iMovie? Because I don't have anything else! You know you can just pirate anything. Oh, don't say pirate! No, you can't do that. It's because I don't have enough money at patreon.com slash biggest problem. That's right. That's why I gotta do everything in iMovie.

You gotta pay for his Adobe Creative Cloud subscription. How's this one? Oh, Fepi! What was that? You make me so hearty. Yeah. Does it drop? Oh, yes!

Welcome to the biggest problem in the universe. I'm your host, Sick Master. The only show that ranks all of the problems in the universe from N-word criers to COVID deniers. Joining me as always, Vito Giswaldi. Vito, how you doing? Excited to be here. Are you? It's been a while. It has been.

It's been a while since our last episode. Exactly two weeks. Exactly two weeks as you are contractually obligated to be here. Every two weeks because the fans cheaped out. Yeah, they dided out. Yeah, they did cheap out. We're going to set the goals.

Technically, I'm only contractually obligated for one episode, but I have gone above and beyond the call. And your generosity. My generosity to the fans.

You're a giver to the fans. You want to give them a taste of what the Vito experience is like bi-weekly, bi-weekly, so that they sign up

at patreon.com slash biggest problem. We're going to figure out. We'll figure out all the levels. Yeah, we're going to figure out all the- We'll figure out all the levels so you get paid. Don't worry. Don't worry.

Daddy's got to get paid. I know how it works. The Pokemon card market is crashing, unfortunately. I would like a Vito's investment update. Vito's investment corner? 30 seconds. Not a corner. Yeah. Just like a clip. Sega Saturn games are up. Vito's investment corner? 30 seconds. Not a corner.

Yeah. Just like a clip. Sega Saturn games are up. Let's put it that way. Okay. Like, I think I, like, oh, did I hit that? That's what I would, I would like a Vito's investment. Oh, shit, did I hit that?

Like, that's the kind of fleeting input. You know what I mean? Yeah. That's what I would like. Do you think you could do that? What do you want me to provide exactly? I have no idea what you're saying. Talk about Pokemon cards or something. I don't know uh pokemon cards seem solid i don't really uh i don't have a lot of pokemon cards magic cards are going nuts sega saturn's going nuts too seems like sega

saturn's going nuts i can actually log in check my i have all my stuff in a database and it tracks the daily movement of your video games for real you have You have like a Schwab for video games? Yeah, exactly. Oh, no. It is. What's it called? You go look at the day's biggest movers, the day's biggest losers. The biggest loser, I think we found. Yeah, exactly. Hey, my complete copy of Super Mario Brothers is up to 224 bucks.

Do you really have like a portfolio? I have a portfolio. I had to log it all because I got insurance on it Oh okay Because the prices on collectibles have like tripled How much are you insuring this for? A good amount, more than six figures More like

See when anybody says six figures they mean one It's a one, like barely Anybody who says six figures What do you make? Six figures They should just say barely six figures Barely six figures Nobody makes like $700,000 and is says six figures, what do you make? Six figures. Okay, so barely, what do you make? They should just say barely six figures. Barely six figures. Nobody makes like $700,000 and is like, six figures. They're like, I make like a million dollars.

I'm worried my neighbors are going to always burn our complex down along with all my stuff. Oh, yeah? Why? Are they like protesting? What do you mean? No, I just, I never trust anybody to not light their stuff. I don't trust myself to not, you know, burn down a house. Me either.

Fire spreads quickly. Did you hear that my girlfriend left a cooking sheet in the oven? Does women store pots and pans? Yeah. Yeah. Someone did. I don't know if it was, I didn't get to, my investigation was inconclusive because it was mostly shouting. There's a common misconception that the lower part of the oven is to store pots and pans.

Wait, it's not? No. What's it for? That's the broiler. No, no, no, no, no, no. That's not the broiler. All my pots and pans are in there. The drawer?

Yeah. That drawer, it never gets hot. That can't be a broiler. The broiler comes in from the top. Right. On most stoves, the heating element is- On the bottom. But it's not on the bottom where that is.

It's right above that drawer. Yeah. Because that's what's- So it heats the oven above it, but if you put food below it, it broils it. No. Most ovens- Most ovens. Most ovens where?

That's the broiler. It's that bottom shelf that people put all their pots and pans in. It's a shelf. It feels like a middle school locker. It's flimsy. It's a broiler, bro. It's not a broiler is that bottom shelf that people put all their pots and pans in. It's like a middle school locker. It's flimsy. It's a broiler, bro. It's not a broiler. I have broiled fucking steaks in that thing and they come out wonderfully.

Anyway. On an old stove. It's a broiler. Maybe now. Let me get to last week's problem. Whatever. Number one. N-word defense.

Big winner over here. Big winner. Took it home And man It was prescient Yeah Because then as soon as I said Look at all these people

Saying the N-word Made them be Like I went into a Crazy fucking N-word hypnosis I started fucking Blah blah blah blah

Then those guys Testified The Capitol Hill police Like You know Here's what happened I was out there and then This these people in Maga heads. They just started calling me the n-word could you believe that he started crying right?

Can you believe that was he crying? I didn't actually watch Yeah, but it's a very emotional testimony according to all the because of the n-word though What well that's how you know they were in the wrong. Somebody says that you can do whatever you want. Then was YouTube role models. All right. I'll take second.

Pretty good. Then space tourists. Yeah. And then very negative. I don't know what this could be. Your problem of COVID deniers. Interesting. How negative was that?

Very negative. Very negative. The first negative problem we've had. Yeah. How negative was that? Very negative. Very negative. The first negative problem we've had, so it's a solution, technically, because it's a negative problem. I saw a lot of people

pointing out that on a different show, anti-vaxxers was very agreed upon being a problem. I didn't bring that in, though. So it's interesting that this one goes the other way.

Yeah. Everybody got a lot smarter. The audience has evolved, it seems. Trump taught us not to- Trump taught you guys some stuff. Trump taught us not to just believe what we see on TV. Right, right.

Because the media, because scientists always lying to us, first of all. Constantly, of course. Insane clown posse. And that the, what was I talking about? The lying, the Trump,

and the science. Yeah, science and the media get together and make a big lie. That's what, I think that's what Trump's message was. So now everybody's a lot smarter, and they're knowing to vote that shit down. Yeah, well, hopefully they uncover all that election fraud or whatever. Are you vaccinated, by the way? I am vaccinated, yeah.

Should you get in some kind of saran wrap or something? Because I heard the CDC said you guys are just shedding. Yeah. No, that you guys are super spreaders. That didn't say that. They said people who are vaccinated spread it faster. Yeah. Yeah. No, you guys are super spreaders. That didn't say that. They said people who are vaccinated spread it faster. Yeah, more. No, they didn't.

Yes, they did. The CDC said you got more virus in your body. Yeah. In your body trying to get out of all your holes. Oh, good. Good. Maybe you should be a little further away. I think everybody should get it at this point who deserves it.

Yeah. Okay. Well, you should have had a better argument because you think everybody should get it at this point who deserves it. Yeah, okay. Well, you should have had a better argument because you got downvoted. It was a great argument. I don't think so. You know, sometimes the masses just eventually the wisdom will be seen by them. Oh, because the masses are so stupid. Right. So they should get vaccinated because I can't even explain to you people.

You're so dumb. We have to give them a hundred Biden dollars just to get them in there. Diamond hands, baby. I'm holding out to that. Hold out, my friends. It's going to get them in there. Diamond hands, baby. I'm holding out to that. Hold out, my friends. It's going to get to a grand. Hold out, my apes. Apes are strong together.

Diamond hands at a hundred bucks. We're going to get it up to ten grand. We're all going to buy a Bitcoin. The last guy who gets it gets a Bitcoin. He's won Bitcoin, and then the next guy's fucked. They got the money. They act like they don't have the money, but they have that money. Okay, do you want to get to the problems?

Let's get into the problems. Do you have any announcements to make or anything like that? I wonder what's going on in my life. No. If you have to think that hard, nothing's going on. Yeah, nothing great. Go watch my Space Jam review. You know what we need?

I had fun with that one. Where can they watch that? YouTube.com slash Vito. We need a response to a standard response to nothing's going on in my life. Right. Oh, what's going on in your life? Like, I had a, like a. Ongoing misery.

Yeah, but not, like, not. Not depressing. Not that. Not what really is going on. Just activism. Stay in the course. Yeah. Stay in the course.

Kung fu fighting, mostly. Kung fu fighting. Okay, my first problem is, I don't know if you know this, but Christina Chan. Oh, Christina Chan. Dean Chan, I don't know what her name is. Right. Formerly Chris Chan, now a woman. Christina Chan maybe has had some non-consection.

I don't like the R word because it's triggering. Because it's triggering. It's non-consensual penisizing, I like to call it, with Chris Chan's mom, I think. I don't think you have to reverse the gender when you say the mom, right? I don't know. This story is really depressing to me. Well, you know why it happened? Why?

Deinstitutionalization. Deinstitutionalization. That's my problem. Does it ever seem to you that there's just way too many crazy people walking around? Yes, absolutely. Wouldn't it be great if we could just throw them in the trash? No, I think they're in the trash now. You want an organized trash bin.

Wouldn't it be great if we could take the crazy people and make their trash bit nicer that they live in? Organize the recycling. Yeah. We could build them a nice building and they could continue living in the trash but, you know, away. Not on the street.

Spackle up all the windows. Move a little bit that way. I'm sorry. We'll get a better fix up next time. Spackle up all the windows Move a little bit Move a little bit that way I don't I'm sorry We'll get a better fix Up next time Anyway That's why Christina Chan's

Mom Was allegedly Penisized Non-consensually Cause there's not enough Insane asylums Are we saying Christina Chan

Is responsible for that? No America is I'm pointing the finger At you That's my fault That's why No mental asylums State run Here we go Here's some stats for you State run No, America is. I'm pointing the finger at you. That's my fault. That's why.

No mental asylum. State-run. Here we go. Here's some stats for you. State-run psychiatric facilities house 45,000 patients. That's less than a tenth of the number of patients they did in 1955. I feel like I know 45,000 people that deserve to be locked up for being crazy just personally. So that's way little. On think you dropped down Skid Row,

you got 45,000 right there. With the doubling of the U.S. population since then, that's a 95% decline in the number of loony bin beds that we have available to these motherfuckers. Okay. I feel like there's a more nice way to- Motherfuckers.

I'm saying we need more loony bin beds or there's going to be a lot more motherfuckers. The mentally handicapped, maybe? Don't wink. Did you wink? The National... Here's another stats for yourself. The National Institute of Mentally Health

estimates that between 25 and 65 people for every 100,000 in the U.S. suffers from skin asphyxia and related psychotic disorders. That's a lot. I don't know why they can't just give the number total, why it's always got to be of 100,000. Yeah, but that's probably a lot. That's like millions of people with nothing but gerbils and dog shit in their brains going nuts crazy all around the country because liberals convinced us that all they needed was to pick themselves.

All they needed was education. All they needed was typing skills. That's not what it was. I think it actually is. When did they end the institutional programs? It was like the 70s or the 80s? It started in the 50s with the passage of new healthcare laws. So they started closing them in the 50s?

Yeah, and then they ramped it up in the 60s and the 70s. Okay. And then the media started to run like all this fake news. Again, all this. Not fake news, though this fake news though it's not but the media started saying these loony bins are rape factories penis non-consensual penisizing uh fun houses for these orderlies one flew over the cuckoo's nest and then people who have no brains in their head as you demonstrated with the COVID deniers problem,

which I think you'll agree with me on that one. People are too fucking stupid to see what the TV, like, oh God, all these loony bins, people with donkey brains are just getting raped. Let's get them out on the street. So they can rape each other. I think they got tricked. I think that, you know,

the solution was to like reform the institutions, but the politicians were like, yeah, it's just cheaper to close all of them. Okay, so that was, right? That was yours. They tricked them. Well, you know what my solution was? Ignore it. Ignore all the molesty, fun times.

It's better than putting them out on the street, giving them a Coleman's. Instead, what we did was give all the crazy people a hundred dollar gift card to big five and say go get the best tent that your crazy ass can find and go live on hollywood boulevard and fuck up everyone's good time you crazy mother we'll figure it out later it's a hard balance to strike and then 50 years later 70 years years later Christina Chan is taking his mom to pound town. It's a really sad situation.

What do you think about that? I mean, I do want, I do agree that we need some sort of, I guess facility. It's the biggest problem in the universe. But the problem is we can't even run our normal prisons right. It's really crazy how hard it is to not turn these places into murder

sex dungeons. I don't think that I think that sex part is a myth. We had a guy call in who had been to prison a bunch and he said, no, there's no shower rapes happening in prison. Well, maybe not shower rapes, but you end up with the guards end up like sleeping with them all those. Well, I can't fix women being hoes.

I think if the men get in on it, too. I don't know. Look, I want enough loony bins so that every woman in America could be locked up permanently by a psychiatrist. What is it, like one in four women are on antidepressants? Instead of antidepressants, send them to the loony bin. And the ones who are of birthing age will you know sort them and occasionally let them pump out a kid yeah keep the toss them to the trads i'm from uh western massachusetts and we had all sorts of uh crazy scandals of like mass graves and whatever else

at these psychiatric graves oh yeah because they would there was bad care and they would just bury them in unmarked graves what What do you mean? The institutions. Oh, the crazy people? The patients were dying like crazy, yeah. Why are they dying, though? Probably doing stupid shit. Yeah, because they're... You can't watch these motherfuckers all day.

Like, we're doing a pretty good job. Yeah, but you can, like, try to stop them from, like, you know, jumping off a ledge or hitting their head against the wall. I don't care if it was called chucky cheese's raparia it's better than it's better than sleeping on the street what is the if i'm sleeping on the street i don't know you'd rather sleep would you rather sleep on the street or be stuck in a motel six with an asterisk on it and the asterisk goes to rape.com. Or would you rather sleep on the street? You.

I mean, at least you get a shower while you're getting raped. Me personally, I would rather be out. But I think these people are not getting the help they need. Yeah, because you're not trapped in a facility. You can't leave full of rapists watching your every move. Yeah. Waiting for you to have a bad day so they can justify taking you into the padded room and doing whatever they want. You think this is real? Like, America is convinced that there is a class of people that, like, is sexually attracted and aroused by people going like,

I think there is a level of that. So put a couple cameras on it We've got CCTV I think we can solve this A cop can turn a body cam off Like a crazy person can't do that You know what's a good idea You could actually fund these by making them 24-7

Twitch Twitch for real Really use the, the name Twitch. I mean, if you put them in a room, like a bunch of like cool, you know,

hamster balls and shit. And you just got to watch them run around and get on the schizophrenics. Yeah. Yeah. And you give them like foam swords to fight with. And you can play like fake news or you can play reality games with them. Like, okay,

one of these guys, one of these is whoever answers this gets more clonopin today one of these is a real news story and one is not the CDC says vaccinated people are just shedding

lots of virus all over the place they're super spreaders and in this one um space aliens have landed right

and they'll say well that one's yeah I mean the CDC would never lie like of course not the CDC can never lie. Of course not. The CDC can't lie.

They're not allowed to. Welcome to Twitch. Study. Here we go. 15% of prison inmates suffer from a psychotic disorder. I think that's the other thing, is that a lot of these guys end up in prison anyway, right? I mean, I'm okay with going to prison, but now you put a bunch of, like, psychopaths. Crazy people in there.

That kind of bumsums that would bum me out I'm here to write and get away from my wife I don't need to deal with fucking Napoleon over here smearing shit all over the wall have a real idealistic view of prison You're like, I'm just here for my typewriter and my art classes. Yeah, you know I'm gonna join the band to play some I'm gonna join the white supremacist band Yeah Nope This is great

Got buddies out on the yard Getting plenty of exercise Flagging one of these female guards Cause they are Hoes They Fo sho A lot of them are

So that would be better for our pals in prison Let's see here What else do I have At their peak in the 50s There was 500,000 Loony beds in the United States. Oh, I don't have the

stats for how many there are now. Whoops. Well, there you go. Total of... There's a bunch of numbers. I don't know. There you go. I mean, I think people get what you're coming at. Yeah. I mean... Biggest problem. Biggest problem right there. Hold on.

Let's do the math real fast. It is a big problem. 50 people for every 100,000. What is that? Five for every 10,000. What's the maths on that? Sorry. It was 50 for every 10,000?

Yeah. So that's 500 for every 100,000, right? You just go by the zeros. And I lost it already. Who cares? Let's say there's 6 million... There's 3 billion crazy people in America.

Six million crazy people in America that need to be locked up in camp. To make your Hollywood Boulevard more enjoyable. Everyone's. Theirs will be better too.

Venice Beach is overrun right now. They can have their own little economy. Yeah. Schizophrenic economy. It'll be great. A couple of them

will get raped. No big deal. Just relax. Everybody's got to relax, okay? You would have been a great politician back in the days of arguing for this. Look, a couple of them are going to get raped. Let's just go with it. Just don't worry about it.

You didn't get raped, did you? No. So what are you complaining about? All right. You got a problem for us? I got a problem for you, dick. I got a couple problems here. Deinstitutionalization is what it's called. Deinstitutionalization, that's the problem.

Yeah. My problem is one where I know society cares about people, but maybe there's a limit at which we should be caring about people. Okay. I bring up, of course, you know, the Amber Alert, of course. Yeah. Amber Alert is for children. Damn Amber Alert.

Well, Amber Alert can be a bit annoying. Okay, your dumb kid has gone missing, probably just fell down a well chasing their ball. Yeah. Okay, but you want to interrupt my day with a little phone message. Oh. It's a kid. But you know what I don't think you should interrupt my day with?

What? The Silver Alert. I don't know what that is silver alert which i don't believe is in all states but it is in california is a alert for those who are 65 years or older okay and uh of diminished mental capacity if they're getting penisized by their son, do they? No, I don't think they do it for that. It's only if they wander off. They, you know, disappear from the Safeway. They wander away from the nursing home. And then me, who's trying to sleep in a little late, just having a nice little sleep.

I got to wake up early to find this blaring alert that Grandma Tilly has wandered off the reservation. And for some reason, what am I going to do? Go find her? No. Alaring alert that Grandma Tilly has wandered off the reservation. Yeah. And for some reason, what am I going to do? Go find her? No. Yeah. What are you going to do, really?

I'm not, yeah. It's going out to every single person that one old lady is. Yes. It goes out to every single person. I don't know how they designate the zone or whatever. Yeah. But it's going out to probably tens of thousands of people that your dumb grandma stumbled away at that.

Do we really need to find her? If we didn't find her, would it be the worst thing in the world? How many people are more negatively affected by having that stupid alert hit their phone than you missing your grandma? Again, if it's a kid, you go, all right. It's a kid. But the silver alert?

I mean, where does it stop, dick? See, they built the one for the kids, and they hooked people in because everyone's all about, you know, kids. Because everyone's constantly fantasizing about molesting children. Right. They're probably going to be molested. Molested. I mean, that's what I would do if I saw kids.

We need an alert to stop that. We need a huge system of alerts and it's got to go to your phone and then nothing happens. They're like, well, let's see what else we can cram through this alert system. That's the thing is like once you got a thing going, it's just like, why do you feel the need to keep adding to it? Yeah, you got a good thing. This was I I think, originally, it was in the 60s or 70s. I had it prior where a girl named Amber went missing and they're like,

oh, we should have a couple things. They actually started the sex offender registry because of that. Okay, that's pretty reasonable. And they put peeing on it. Sometimes.

Okay, well, now you messed up the whole thing. Right, they fucked it up. It used to be like, did you actually rape kids or did you just pee on a tree and a cop saw you? Now you're a sex offender forever. They always screw it up.

And now we got the silver alert for your stupid grandma. Gotta interrupt my day with your stupid fucking alert. What does it look like? It comes up, but you've never had it on your phone? You don't get these? No. I turned that off. There's a way to turn that alert thing off.

But don't you have to, like, hack your phone to turn it off? Man, I'm one of those shadowy super hackers that Elizabeth Moore was talking about. Well, as I was researching this, they're like, there's a way to turn it off, but you gotta get into, like, the BIOS or some shit. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Nipples. Is that your favorite fucking thing?

It shows up. Your phone makes this horrible horrible like, yeah, like you're getting nuked. So you're like, oh shit what's happening? Oh god! Grandma Margaret has disappeared from the flower shop. Oh no! And it just says silver alert, all caps

what street they were last seen, what time they were last seen. No picture of them. You think that would be like helpful? You think they'd have like hundreds of pictures of some old lady. Right. They just literally

just go, old people are missing. This will have no bearing on your life ever. Where could they possibly be? Yeah, exactly. You're going to find them

and anyone is stealing them. The problem with kids is that people are stealing them. Dads are stealing their own kids for visitation. Right. So, of course, women had to ask the government to stop fathers from stealing their children back. Right.

That's what 90% of those Amber Alerts are, is dad takes the kids without asking. No dad's taking their old... No one's snatching old women off the street. My grandma. To have their way with them. Maybe Chris Chan is. Christine Chan, sorry. Yeah.

Critics of the Silver Alert. Her penis. Her penis. Her penis inside of her mom. That's really depressing. I hope it didn't happen. I'm going to say allegedly.

Critics of the Silver Alert have raised concerns that the proliferation of color-coded alerts will reduce their importance. No shit! Because now when my phone rings, I don't know if a precocious child or a crippled old lady is missing.

I care less. Yeah. You're going to love this. Texas has an amber alert, a silver alert, and a blue alert. Do you know what the blue alert is? Missing black person? Issued to locate an assailant in the event a law enforcement officer is killed or injured.

Injured. You're kidding me. We've got an injured cop. Someone injured a cop. Someone threw a rock at this cop, and we need the entire fucking state to lock down and catch this motherfucker. When it appears on your phone, does it have like a, that screen like with the happy face where it goes like,

ah, you know, you can do the screen effect? Yeah, no, I haven't seen that. Can you program it in the BIOS to do that?

I think with the blue alert you see a Blue Lives Matter flag and a cop pointing at you and says, your duty is to go and. And you're not using your phone until you read all of this information

and we have eye tracking installed and you better not snigger about it. Elbow nudge. If you joke about it, we're going to send out a blue alert on you. A cop has been injured? Let's alert the whole state. Probably the county. I don't know how wide it goes.

Too wide. Probably the whole state though. Probably. Get fucked. You can't let them escape Texas at that point. It goes wide enough until it hits a good neighborhood neighborhood the problem is that they now want to extend all these programs nationwide they've introduced it into congress on several occasions but the congressional budget office has estimated it would cost 59 million dollars for the National Silver Alert Act. That's nothing. Well, it's nothing.

Nothing. But the fact that it's being used to help old people just infuriates me. Well, you know they're going to vote for it. It's a waste of my time. Because all of the boomers are... All the boomers are worried about getting lost. Yeah. Yeah, they might stumble away when they're... Because they're looking at their parents acting crazy.

They're dementia brains. And they're so selfish and entitled, they're not going to help their parents. They're like, well, I know our kids hate us, so we need... They're never going to help us. They'll probably... Actually, I have a plan with my parents. I'm going to move their bed around every night. Yeah.

To different parts of the house and put different decorations up so they think they're in the wrong house and they leave. And then you're not going to issue a silver alert for them? No. But then how on earth will they...

What other alerts are they going to roll out? I don't know. What else could there be? Racism alert. Racism alert would be good. If someone says the N-word, we need to know

who, what, where, when, why. I want a full detail on them. I want a dossier. I don't want my phone to let me do anything except go into maps and find the last known location of that offender yeah so we can lock that thing down i can't believe a cop was injured alert there's like yeah the blue alert the cop's been injured um wow it's beautiful that's where we're going Maybe like a woman's It's Texas

So like a woman is Is a dangerously low on eggs Yeah Fertility alert Right So a bunch of guys What do you think they do if an elderly cop goes missing? I don't know

That's a good question Then you gotta blow the fucking phones up Has anyone ever been recovered because of one of these alerts? Including the Amber one and the 20 years that it's been active? They say it's successful. They're like, yeah, we find them. But was it the alert? Because of the alert?

They always do that. Yeah, they go, well, we found them. We found some kids. They were dead. We found them. Yeah, we found them in a crate. They were penisized. Yeah, with their arms missing.

We found Chris Chan's mother after she had been horrifically destroyed from the inside out. Can you imagine that? You got dementia. Yeah. So you're like out of it. Like, and then all of a sudden you come to a little bit. You're like, oh, no, no, no, no. Give me the dementia back.

Give me the dementia back. Oh, God. My son, daughter is going to town on me. With her penis. I was surprised to read the text messages. I wasn't aware Chris Chan was. was surprised to read the text messages. I wasn't aware Chris Chan was... He seems to have a good grasp of language. Oh, yeah.

That's how they get you. Yeah. Okay. Silver alerts are my problem, but all alerts, really. All alerts. I can't wait to get them. No.

Well, you'll never get them because apparently you've shut it down. I just want a nuclear bomb is coming alert did you never get the one when uh hawaii was supposedly getting uh or no that didn't come to us that went to hawaii they messed it up yeah yeah they messed it up and it's like there's missiles inbound seek shelter and they're like no no no we've clicked the wrong button and we didn't fix it for like an hour. An hour? Yeah. I'm going to jail.

Like, I don't want to Fed post on this show, but if my phone says a nuclear strike is coming, and nobody's being weird, I'm going to assume that my phone got it before theirs, and it's go time. Yeah, like, might as well take some of these other people out. I'm going to see what that Tesla does feel like to drive. I think something happened. What would you do if you got a nuke? If I got a nuke warning? I don't know.

Scream into a pillow. Jesus Christ. That's horrifying. I'd try to find a manhole and get underground. What's so horrifying about an income guys by your blast? Yeah Yeah, I try to find some sort of shelter as the government has advised Sewers actually, you know what? I have a septic tank an abandoned septic tank out front. Is it empty? One way to find out. Yeah, well

You should build a fuck now that I know that though, I won't go on the rampage. Because now you know you can hide? Yeah, now I'll look like an asshole coming out an hour later covered in shit. You can go on the rampage if you want. Okay, here's my next problem. Two-factor authentication. Yeah, I have that that constantly you have that constantly yeah it drives me nuts you know what i love doing when i'm on my computer trying to do an email

and i have to go get up and get another computer to do it because your company can't be asked to spend any money on your security or encrypting your shit properly. Yeah. Because you just, because it is a series of fumbles and fuck-ups that result in now me having to own a computer to vouch for me among other computers. Is that, oh, are you sure? Are you sure it's you?

Oh, yeah. Let me just go get, my computer can vouch for me yeah here hold on let me do this let me do this and it's not like it's not like one number that they can give you right yeah or two like it's just way too many to get through a lot of steps sometimes yeah and i don't think it's my it's not my not my fault that this was fucked up in the first place. Yet here I am having to wake up and for some reason my email is logged out on my computer, which was working when I went to bed.

Yeah. And now to do an email, I have to get up and walk through the house with a big erection. Instead of just relaxing. Right. And I can't just, well, i'll just ignore it and do other stuff because then everything's fucking logged out except for my two-factor authentication oh you know what the text the text we're getting bad so i'm gonna load up a google authenticator this should this should be great right oh wow google authenticator didn't put any kind of grouping or folders or anything

on their thing so it's just a scroll of 10 000 logins that i have that i started naming cute when i started to do it because i hated this and now i have to just remember at what point in my past did i sign up for this service and filter through it like the rings of a tree? Oh, I think it was about, I've been doing this for five years, and I think it was about two years ago that I opened this account. So it should be about here. Now let me try to start scrolling through there to see it. There's nothing. There's no grouping at all that you can use.

Right? Right? I don't know if there's a grouping i don't have that many things under my authenticator though well you are about to get penisized by hackers then and then i have to explain to my parents and my girlfriend and whomever else why they need to install a why they need to have their computer start vouching for them with other computers yeah so well what do you mean what's this don't i just have a password yeah but your why they need to have their computer start vouching for them with other computers. Yeah. Well, what do you mean?

What's this? Don't I just have a password? Yeah, but your password is P4SSW0RD. And you're an idiot. So you have to install this to save me work. Now I have to invest this much work in everybody explaining to them a system that doesn't make sense to me to save me maybe work in the future.

It's two-factor authentication. And you've got to select all the pictures of the airplane. And if you get it wrong, you've got to select all the pictures of the airplane again. And then even after I've selected all the pictures of the airplane. What's a traffic light? Is it the pole too? Or is it just the light? You're asking me what a crosswalk is.

There's no crosswalk in here right did you just think it was supposed to be there it's endless and then even after you do all that they're like we've emailed you a separate login link and i'm like well then why did i have to click on the airport why did i need that i've just gone to the website my email is not enough of a thing can she do and then they go why don't you slide this puzzle piece into place how much did this son of a bitch Was this the lowest bid amount of money? Was this the worst thing that you had is me having to have a phone and a device? Because you guys fuck up too much.

And you always fuck up too much and you know it. So now I'm sitting there like Data from Goonies trying to balance. Well, now I have my phone with me. They haven't thought most of this stuff through. I have my phone with me. They haven't thought most of this stuff through. Oh, my phone's dead! I guess there's no email today. Where is it? No idea. Yeah. Thanks a lot.

You just lost your phone and you're totally screwed. Two-factor authentication. I couldn't get into the biggest problem Twitter the last couple days because they're like, yeah, you can just sign up with an email. And I'm like, oh, cool. So I made a show email and I signed up. And I'm like, after a couple weeks because they're like, yeah, you can just sign up with an email. And I'm like, oh, cool. So I made a show email and I signed up. And then like after a couple weeks, they're like,

alright, now give us a phone number. I'm like, you said I didn't have that. You said I could just have an email. They're like, no, no, no, you need a phone number. You're doing suspicious stuff. We need to know that you take good care of another computer. Suspicious. I'm like, alright, well, here's my phone number. They're like, well, that's already associated with another Twitter account. I'm like, well,, well, here's my phone number. Well, that's already associated with another Twitter account.

I'm like, well, so I had to remove my phone number from my normal Twitter account. Oh, no, don't associate that with me. I'm not logging into the show. No, you're not logging in, but it's under my phone number, which now I can remove and then put back. It doesn't even make sense. No, it doesn't make sense. I hate these people.

That's my problem. Two-factor authentication. Two-factor. It's a huge pain in the ass. Authentication. Is it worse than, let me ask you this, do you get a two-factor question more often than you get a silver alert or an amber alert?

Okay. If the answer is yes. Yeah. But is it more reasonable that it's trying to keep you safe than trying to keep a grandmother you've never met safe? I'm sorry, but saving grandma is the most important thing in the world according to what we've been doing, according to COVID lockdown.

Yeah. Because it's only dangerous to grandmas. If we just institutionalize all the old people, we will not have a problem. Exactly. Because then they can't escape. So that's the most important. So we can rape them as much as we want.

Okay. Which is the goal. Go ahead. You know, a lot of people, they have their own problem. So that's the most important. So we can rape them as much as we want. Okay. Which is the goal. Go ahead. You know, a lot of people, they have their own problem. I hear this problem from them. They go, you know what the problem is? The price of gas is just too high, buddy. Yeah.

The price of gas, you know who did that? You know who's responsible for that? President Biden made my gas expensive. Yeah, he did. Here's my problem. The gas gripers, the presidential gas gripers, who anytime the price of the pump goes up, it's

the president did this to me. Biden. The Biden came in and he said, I want to nail these motherfuckers. I hate these gas guzzlers. I want to raise the prices at the pump. Yeah. The president is not directly responsible for the price of gasoline.

That's an absurdity. Who is then? Oh, my God. All right. We're going to go through it. We're going to go into it. What do you mean? It's like, what else would he be doing? Thank you.

That's his whole job. The price of gas is dependent on one major factor, Dick. What? That is the price of crude oil. Oh, wait. Hold it over here. What the fuck was that? Randy's here. He just missed the chair

because he couldn't see it. Jesus Christ. Trying to do a podcast here. Man's falling all over himself. The biggest factor in the price of gasoline is crude oil, Dick. Over 50% of the price of the pump is directly tied to the cost of crude oil. If you go back over 35 years of Energy Department data, there is a perfect 95% correlation between yearly crude prices and gasoline prices yeah president doesn't set the

price of crude gas what do you mean that's not that's not what he does but he does like tariffs and stuff not but he hasn't done it opec is like uh fucking fuck you biden we'll show you what biden show you how to fuck you opec tariff is going on right now? No, they're just like, man, you're being, you're not acting with enough of America. You're not acting powerful enough. You seem weak.

You seem like you have dementia and that Chris Chan is probably finger blasting your asshole at night. Yeah. So we're fucking you with gas. We're going to raise the price. And the Saudis in Russia

are like, yeah, man, you seem fucked, honestly. You seem fucked. You're not making any sense. You got a woman as vice president. We are all banding together and raising the price of gas on you. This is a fun fairy tale you're spinning here. That's what Biden, that's what happened.

That's a fun little invention in your head. Yeah. Dick, what is the price of crude oil based on? Or why has it been unusually low well i'll tell you right now because of a little something you might have heard of a certain public health crisis yeah flattened economies around the world cause the demand for gasoline get this when people aren't driving every day when they're not going to work every day what happens to the demand for gasoline goes down goes down yeah what happens with demand goes down prices go down what's happening right now well there's been a vaccination program that many of our smarter uh fellow americans have

decided to get involved who don't have a hundred bucks by the way okay everyone who got vaccinated does not have a hundred bucks i'm sitting over here on an offer for $100, so who's fucking smart now with $100 in their pocket? Fantastic for keeping our economy locked up with your fucking I didn't lock it up either! If I don't get $100, look, oil demand,

now that we are vaccinated and we are healthy and people are out and traveling, travel's coming back. Yeah. Industry's coming back. What's happened? There's more demand for gasoline. And it's gone up faster than the current production rates. There is less crude oil in storage, which has pushed up the price of oil, making it expensive. And Biden fucked up all those pipes, too. He said no pipes.

The pipes have no fucking part of it. If the pipes were there, the price would not budge even a fucking nickel. Because the pipes are like getting more gas out there. The largest influences are increasing global demand, promise of leisure travel, optimization of vaccination rollout, and OPEC failure to reach an agreement on production increases. There you go. Oh, is he run that? Is that all fucking him?

They're just fucking with him. Fuck you, you fucking... But so what? Everything is... Do you guys want to listen to Dick or do you want to listen to Trilby Lundberg, publisher of the Lundberg Survey of U.S. Fuel Markets? That sounds like somebody I would trust. The guru of gasoline prices. Who agrees that the overwhelming reason for higher gasoline prices is higher crude oil prices?

It's simple. Wait, wait, move over a little bit. Okay, okay. Not to mention little bit. Sorry. Okay. Sorry. Okay. Not to mention, you guys are all mad now. It's $4. Oh, my God. This has never happened before.

What are we going to do? It is currently projected that regular grade gasoline prices will average out to $2.92 a gallon for the rest of the year and be $2.74 a gallon for all of 2022. Well, that's while Biden's still in office. Are you going to go in there and go, I can't believe Biden got the gas so low. It only ever goes one fucking way. What, gas only goes up?

No, when it goes up, you go, it's Biden. Biden did it. Fucking Biden. And then when he gets it, and then when it's $2.74, you go, well, probably Trump did something. He probably set it up ahead of time. And it's probably Trump trickled down. As the AAA, as

McGee puts it, gas prices fluctuate no matter who. Who's this guy you said? Lumberge? Yeah, Lumberge. Lumberg? Let's see. Trilly Lumberg. Everybody knows this guy. Trilly Lumberg. The acknowledged guru of gasoline prices. Don't you love it when people are complaining about gasoline prices

as a nation and as a California? I'm like, man, I don't remember gas. Yeah. What? You guys pay how much? What the fuck? We pay like five. Yeah.

Oh, wow. I think I was paying 360 before the increase anyway, so it's like an extra 40 cents. Yeah. I found a receipt in my old car before I sold it where it was like a very, very old receipt at the bottom, you know, digging through the life of my car in the center console. It was for 99 cents a gallon. Wow. I stared at it.

That's beautiful. I started crying. The receipt was so thin it disintegrated. And I said, damn you, Biden. There's a great screenshot from Resident Evil 2, and it's that classic meme where it's like men only want one thing, and it's just Leon Kennedy walking past a gas station. It's like gas, $1.42 a gallon.

Yeah. That's what I want, baby. Yeah. Here's what I never understood about gasoline. People are like, I can't believe it's $4 a gallon. It's so expensive. Yeah. I'm like, we are pumping the remains of liquefied dinosaurs out of the ground.

That sounds like it should cost a billion dollars a gallon That is insane to me So it's not high enough for you as a Biden voter It's dinosaur goo Doesn't that sound like the rarest Fucking uh I think it's kelp goo Is it kelp? I thought it was the fossilized remain of dinosaurs Rotting away

Well I think it's life It's any kind of life under the ground. But I think there was a lot more like kelp than dinosaurs. I don't know. That's just me. I mean, that's just

my unvaccinated... It seems like you would need a lot of dead dinosaurs to make a lot of... Was it dinosaurs? I don't think it was... What is it? I don't think it was dinosaurs.

I think it was like plants. It's plant life? Yeah. I'm gonna go with dinosaurs. Sounds correct. That's just something from Cars. Sounds correct. It Cars The Pixar movie Did they have that in the picture?

Yeah, it was dinosaur It was a logo of one of the fuels Well, maybe that's always just That's a real thing though Sinclair has a dinosaur Yeah, yeah, has a dinosaur as a thing I think that was always the Agreed upon

Maybe it was like kind of a joke Well, you see, scientists are always lying to us I don't know Scientists said Well, it's fucking dinosaurs if you can believe it. And everyone's like, I can believe that. And then someone else, like me, says, no, it's probably plant life. Probably not dinosaurs, guys. Probably some, I mean.

Regardless. Just think about it a little bit. Who's causing this problem? Biden. No, not Biden! The price of crude oil rising. But can't you, like, have more shale?

Oil? Okay, sure. Never mind, Dick figured it out. We should have more shale. Nailed it. Shut me down. I can't argue with that. But can't you, like...

Can't you, like, take the oil and just move it? Yeah. Yeah, okay. Isn't that it though? So who are you guys going to listen to on gas? Mr. Can't we get more shale? Whatever the fuck that was.

Saudi Arabia, right? Or Dubai? Abu Dhabi? Abu Dhabs. Why don't we just take... Instead of attacking Afghanistan, why don't we just attack Abu Dhabi and just take all the oil so then it's free

just move the war just move it to a more beneficial area don't you think that would be a good that was what Trump wanted to do so I think if gas would have gone to zero I think because Trump would have just taken over the oil.

I think that results in some serious economic concerns. I don't understand. That's the one thing I don't understand about our current American hegemony. Like, okay, I get it's all run by, it's a corporatocracy, and it's either run by Israel or China, and that's who we're voting for every two and four years,

or that's who we're pretending to vote for while they work out who actually wins, right? Yeah. But why don't we just take the oil? It's ours. Right. Manifest destiny. It should be ours. Yeah. Just drill

all the way through the earth like the Simpsons. Oh, sure. Yeah. Suck it out of the ground. Big straw. Who in America would be anti that? I'm sure there's some people. Who? I don't think they would. I think if you came out, the president came out tomorrow and said, you know what?

We're taking all the oil in the Middle East. Yeah. I found we were looking at the backside of the Constitution. And it actually says all the oils belong to us. Forever. Indefinitely. We're taking it. Yeah.

I think Americans would be very—I think you'd have, like— There's always some, you know, hackpots, motherfuckers fucking their mothers. Other economies with other people to stay afloat. They're not. Right. That's not an economy. Have you ever been to Dubai? No.

Have you? Yes. Why have you been to Dubai? My man lives there Oh It is a It's like I mean It's like an Islamic Disneyland

Yeah It's horrible Horrible that we have to And now every time I buy gas I'm like Well I'm supporting these motherfuckers Driving their Over there

Driving their Humvees around Yeah They're ghost riding whips 20 wheeled Humvees it's like Vegas for Islam they're uh they have a lot of money our money

if you can figure out how to take their money you're in a very good position with the military well that's part of it that's my idea I don't know if I told you this but my buddy's brother runs a knife store on the New York on the Las Vegas Strip. Really?

Yeah, and it's like this tiny little hole in the wall that he pays an obscene amount of money for, and we're like, why? I think he pays like a quarter of a million dollars for that space. Wow. And he's like, one- That's six figures. Yeah, that's six figures, exactly. Yeah. yeah that's six figures exactly yeah he's like because one soddy prince will come in and buy like a half a million dollar knife and i'm set for the year what's in a half a million dollar

knife they have these like one-of-a-kind custom-made you know artisan knives carved from the bone of a jaguar yeah meteor in his cock yeah. Literally like a meteorite inlaid grip with like clockwork, intricate, whatever, cyberpunk, steampunk nonsense. They're fucked. Who is? Everyone? Dubai. Dubai. Once the oil runs out.

Well, that's why they're pumping up like renewable energy so much. Yeah. With more lying scientists. A fan sent me a $1500 knife yeah at first I was like oh it's probably

like I don't I don't I'm doing the I'm not a knife guy so at first I wrote it off I'm like I mean what could a how much could you

but I swear to god I use that thing every day and it is like butter like it's tight it's like a titanium yeah knife it the thwacking you know when you usually do collapsible knives you kind of feel like Every day And it is like butter Like it's tight It's like a titanium Yeah Knife It

The thwacking You know when you usually do Collapsible knives You kind of feel like you might Slice your finger off a little bit This thing is like You can do it all day It's pretty badass

Comes through Anything Amazon box Any size Could cut through There's a whole knife community I did not know about Until

Until recently They take it very seriously My toenails Are white Yeah Alabaster mother of pearl because i pick everything out with this titanium knife jesus christ isn't it sharp as hell yeah it's great i'm not putting that thing near my toes uh do you have anything more on the gas no just uh you guys gotta look i know you don't like Biden, but we gotta be reasonable here. The man is not responsible for the direct price at the pump, nor should we pretend that he is.

Not even a little bit? Not even slightly. Not even 1%? Maybe 1% of the price. There's something in here that's like... Do you think Biden can influence how many people are vaccinated? Yeah, he can give you $100. Oh, yeah? Yeah.

But not gas. Not gas, no. What can he influence as the president? All right. Can he influence racism? I'll give you this. 18% of the cost of gas relates to state and federal taxes. Yeah.

What about the- The latter of which, federal taxes, have not increased under Biden. Okay. So you can't say it's the taxes. He hasn't touched them. Okay. All right. Is that it?

Well, that's a little something else to chew on. What about the core, though? The core of what? Like the crude. The slate? The shale? Yeah, that. I have no idea.

I don't know. You said that was how much? 50%? Oh, the tax part? Yeah. 15%. I have no idea I don't know You said that was how much? 50%? Oh that The tax part? Yeah 15% What about the price of like

Milk and stuff? Does he have any influence on that? Um yes Yes How so? Cause uh Every Every

Every day Biden wakes up And there's a milk Robot he talks to Oh really? That goes Mr. President How much should milk be today? And he goes, $20 a gallon.

And the robot goes, Sir, there will be pandemonium in the street. And he goes, I don't care. I am your God. No, I don't know. He probably works out something with the farmers. I don't know. What are you working out with the fucking farmers?

I just want to know what he has influence over. The farmers don't make oil. The farmers on What are you working on With the fucking farmers I just want to know What he has influence over The farmers don't make oil The farmers are in these Fucking foreign countries He has little to no influence Over these people Okay

These are the problems What are our problems It was in In Deinstitutionalization Yeah To prevent To prevent

Rapes Rapes Penisizations Non-consensual penisizations What was yours? Silver alerts Silver That's fucking annoying

With a Parentheses blue alerts Not on I don't like those either You fucker If you have a problem with the cops Maybe think about that a little bit Okay

Then it was Two-factor authentication Yes Which is so annoying And then Presidential gas gripers Okay. Then it was two-factor authentication. Yes. Which is so annoying. And then... Presidential gas gripers. Oh, presidential gas gripers. Okay, everybody.

Go to the site, biggestproblem.show. Check it out. Or whatever you want. Go to patreon.com slash biggestproblem to support the show. Yes, that is the place to support the show, and we will figure out exactly how you are supporting the show. But if you would like more episodes or whatever else, that's the place to support it.

And what do you call it at some point? I have comments here, too. This is Wild Fungus. Somebody tell Vito how bringing in a problem you actually believe in is a guaranteed loss. Right. That assumes that I care about most of the things that come out of my mouth. Okay.

A little edgy response. Let's just say that I bring some problems because they've got to be on the table. That was a very boomer to your response. They've got to be on the table. Okay. Do I maybe oversell them for the sake of... No, you said I actually believe in this one

with your COVID... Whatever you were... I don't even understand what your point was. That I'm more informed... Well informed on science than you? More informed on science.

Yeah. I think people should get vaccinated for the good of their nation. Yeah. Help reopen our economy. It's never going to reopen, man. It's reopening now. You voted for fucking Biden. Fuck you. You don't know. Gas is going to reopen, man. It's reopening now. You voted for fucking Biden.

Fuck you. You don't know. Gas is going to be $10 a gallon thanks to Biden. Oh, good. I hope he does that. Before the economy reopens. I want them to say that gas is $2 a gallon if you're vaccinated and $20 a gallon if you're unvaccinated.

That's the nation I want. That's fine. I'm vaccinated. All right. Well, then you got no problem. I have no problems with that. Panku Breakfast. I could listen to Vito shit on YouTubers all day.

I did get very impassioned. With Mr. Beast. Eric M. Vito would make a convincing Mr. Yeast. Is that like a fat thing? I don't know. You said you were Mr. Yeast at the end of the show. You came up with that. Okay.

I don't know what that was in reference to. Mr. Beast. Like a dough boy kind of thing, Mr. Yeast. I don't know. You just said, oh, it was about bread. You're giving away bread. Oh, right. To Mr. Yeast.

Yeah. That would be good. Luca Fox, if you don't want to catch COVID, stay your ass inside. If you don't want to catch COVID, stay your ass inside. The world shouldn't have to come to a halt because you can't take control of your own life. What do you think about that? I am in control of my own life. I can't be in control of the people around me, however.

Well, stay inside then if you're so afraid. That's what women feel every day. They're afraid that if they go outside, some man is going to rape them. So what should, you know. So it's the responsibility of. I don't know. I don't know what I meant. I don't know why I said that. So you're saying the unvaccinated are rapists, basically.

Yeah, basically. Okay, but we're the ones who are wrong. DP says, my wife got the Pfizer vaccine because they were talking about having non-vaccinated teachers have to teach you in masks. She had a fever of 103 and was vomiting like crazy. So she took the, she got the vaccine because you said to do it. And she got a fever of 103 and was vomiting like crazy. She's also had headaches every single day, every day since. Thanks for this wonderful vaccine you have been praising, Vito. Yeah. She has a headache every day. Oh my god.

Did you hear about this guy who didn't get the vaccine and he fucking died? Did you hear about that one? Oh, I'm sorry. That happened a million times or whatever the fucking number was. No, it happened like 5,000 times or something like that. It wasn't 5,000. It was 5,000 deaths like 5,000 times or something like that. It wasn't 5,000. It was 5,000 deaths.

5,000 deaths total? Yeah. On VARS. I need to leave my notes here. Your notes are from the wrong places, though. Yeah. Tyronius Rex. By the way, there was a...

I found this new Twitter account that was a guy who worked on mRNA vaccines. Yeah. Like a doctor. And him saying they're not good. Yeah. Him saying everything that I say. Oh, great.

It's wonderful. It's amazing. I couldn't believe myself that I had found such an account. He's an actual doctor. Yeah. Saying everything that I'm saying. What, uh,

what hospital is he working at? No, he was working. He worked on mRNA vaccines and RNA as a drug. Did he sell you some crystals to heal you too? Did he sell you a cream that summons fucking Jawa? See, you have to attack his credentials because you know that if what I'm saying

is true, it totally fucking destroys you. Totally fucking devastates anything you have to say on it. I look forward to his magic potion that is the actual cure. He's just saying, look, it's very dangerous. It's not being done responsibly. That's all he's saying.

But if you align my six magic crystals in a perfect fucking grid, it will be protected forever. I know that you're a white woman, so you think of everything in terms of crystals. Right. Just from your driver's license.

I do love, I do. That's not a slam. Once I became a woman, my obsession with crystals deepened immensely. Nothing is more insufferable than a woman with a slam. Once I became a woman, my obsession with crystals deepened immensely. Nothing is more insufferable than a woman with a headache, he says. Tyroneus Rex, don't take the fucking vaccine.

I'm in my mid-30s. I got my heart destroyed by Pfizer. I'll probably never fuck in weird positions again. Ask any cardiologist and every single one of them will have had more cases than the official few hundred of rare side effects.

Let's ask any cardiologist. Well, that's what he says. Let's go for it. I don't know. I want to find some cardiologists. I want to ask any one of them. You know that the Viagra one where you might get

An erection for longer than four hours That never happened Really? They just put that in case They put that on there so young guys would go Ask their doctor for Viagra Because they want a longer than four hour erection? Yeah

Why? How long do you want your erection to last not that long well how long pick a number zero what am i zero minutes or infinity minutes have sex with a woman i hope whatever or a guy or just have a huge hard cock i don't know why it has to ever be limp if i could if i could pump it up all day yeah you had a little button that just... They should make like a fucking... Like a job interview. If you have to go for a job interview, you sit down. If you could have a huge throbbing erection throughout that interview...

You'd nail every job. You'd nail every fucking job. Yeah. And then it goes away right away. Can they make like a super soaker attachment that I can just, you know... Don't do that at me. Pump action. I'm just charging it up.

I'm not blasting yet. Who has a penis like that That you could pump up John Wayne Bobbitt Or trans I think trans men Have a penis that you could pump up Like With air or what

With blood With air I think so Jesus Christ I didn't know that Don't you know I mean it would make You're supposed to know more

It would make sense I'm supposed to know more because I'm a lady now? No, because of your, like, politics. My politics? I know more about getting a transplanted venous that you have to pump up with air? Jesus Christ. I thought they just used, like, a strap-on most of the time. That's very, no, no, no, no.

Now they get a fake. It's got to be part of them. They get a fake penis. It's not fake. Right, it's real Sorry Um Yeah that

The four hour erection thing That's bullshit Yeah okay They just said that So guys I didn't know that That was a selling point To people

Yeah Longer than four hour erection See I did I knew that I mean I guess it would be fun As a lark for like I wouldn't want to have A boner in my pants

All the time Well but nobody Actually had it. Just idiots hear that and they're like, oh yeah, four. How long does it typically last,

Viagra? What's the average? Like an hour. Yeah, like an hour probably. Yeah, less time than that. But my point is that they lied to get you to sell.

So they probably lied about the vaccines. Did. Did lie. No, probably. Definitely lied. Same exact scientific councils who put those two things together. It is! It fucking is!

Alright! It's the same companies! Yes, it is! Okay, I didn't know the Viagra. Wait, who makes Viagra? Is it Pfizer? I don't know. Let's see. Who makes Viagra? Who makes Viagra? Viagra is made by Pfizer.

Okay, Vito. So they got their porno dick scientists working on Viagra. And they got their serious, oh, we're the pandemic squad. Can you penis scientists please get out of the building? We're working on G-rated molecules over here. Why don't they just have the vaccine come with like a year's supply of Viagra? Why not indeed? The real Donald Trump says,

Vito not calling his problem foo-tubers is low effort. I don't know what he means by that. Foo-tubers. F-O-O? Or F-A-U-X? F-U. F-U-T-U. F-U-Tubers.

Oh, F-U-Tubers. Yeah. Oh, man, thatS Oh, F-U-T-U-B-E-R-S Yeah That's a bit hard That's a horrible joke And that was a Patreon who said that Well, maybe some new Patreons Will step up to Hopefully erase that

Horrible, horrible Pun thing there What's going on in the chat? Did we get any sort of super type okay things that people were mad that we get and read aloud for some fucking reason i don't see any i don't know if we got any maybe i didn't turn you might not turn monetization oh you shit freaking idiot all right i've got a big deal i've got voicemails though nice uh good show you gotta turn you got the audio at 10 and i'm sorry i ever doubted you

vito come on come on come on dick i really gotta hand it to you i unfortunately doubted you i thought idiot rather i doubted vito i didn't think he would be still doubting me for maddox and i'm sorry i ever doubted you veto thank you as it turns out you are exactly like maddox well having brought in a problem that is actually just a very thinly disguised way of you saying you just don't like rich people you only miss saying because it's disingenuous nick mr beast said it's disingenuous during your conversation about mr beast giving away money you would have basically been reading a transcript so anyways keep up the great maddox replacement veto uh dick go fuck yourself.

Also, bring Sean back in. Sean's not coming into this show. Sean's got stuff to do, man. It's got like a life. Sean has like an actual. Sean can't live in my house and podcast every day. You're going to have to get our Patreon to like something significant to get Sean in. 6,000.

Maybe. We got to pay the guy. Maybe. Probably not even. Maybe 10. I don't know. Okay, here. Maybe. We gotta pay the guy. Maybe. Probably not even. Maybe 10. I don't know. Okay, here you go. Hey, Dick.

Hey, Vito. Christian from Texas. Vito, brother, I like you a lot. I really do. Oh, Christ. But you're fucking wrong about this retarded COVID shit. You're just fucking wrong. Oh worldwide yeah we're at generously four and a quarter million deaths that's very very generous worldwide all over four and a quarter million sounds like a lot

the whole world 4.125 i'll call that four and a quarter just for you just for you uh if you'd like to venture a guess boys on how many babies were born last year i'll go a billion oh that's a good guess thanks good guess 140 fucking million 140 million versus four million covid deaths which is what's a fat geriatric in New York City. I don't fucking care. There's more people have been created than have been killed by this fucking nothing virus. Go fuck yourself.

Do you have any responses? Thank you for your call. Thank you for your call. Okay, let me see here. Thanks for your input. 140 million babies? That's a lot of babies. Oh, wow.

I don't care if some of them went missing. You know what I'm talking about? Some of them in countries where one out of every eight kids makes it. Yeah. So you got to cut that number down already. So I'm sorry, but we don't care about those lives, right? Well, I mean, they matter slightly less. care about those lives, right?

Those, well, I mean, they matter slightly less, you know. Than people in America, old people in America dying. Yeah. It's hard for me because I don't understand good and bad. Like, everybody seems to do so easily. I've had to learn it. So every once in a while, I hit one of these things. I'm like, okay, wait, so. American boomers matter more than foreign children.

Okay. Yeah. That's what I thought. We know that. Isers matter more than foreign children. Okay. Yeah. That's what I thought. We know that. Is there an exchange rate? Oh, yeah. Yeah. I mean, it fluctuates.

One to 80,000, 100,000? Yeah, probably 100,000 foreign children is worth one American boomer. That's not that right. All right. Here we go. Hey, Dick. Hey, Vito. Christian from Texas here. Oh, did I say this one here i've got a biggest problem for you so the same

women that are obsessed maybe with goddamn cats every fucking day i at least three women i know send me a cat picture every single fucking day i don't three women i'm sick of seeing cats all the time i'm sick of it three women don't text me ever I'm sick of seeing fucking dumb ass tweets about cats all the time I'm gonna read you a tweet

I'm gonna read you this tweet cannot put into words how much I love cats every time I see a cat I am so happy eggs eggs eggs I will just stare at my cats

and be in awe of how eternally awesome they are he's reading my tweet right now this cocksuckers yeah that's not my tweet right now. This cocks up. Yeah, that's not a woman. That's your own co-host.

Vito DeFolder. You son of a bitch. Fuck cats. What did you say about cats? I said I really like cats. The last time I said Vito, go fuck yourself. What is wrong with that? The one time I express, I'm so negative on Twitter.

That's what's wrong. And one time I express like a small amount of joy Something that brings me happiness It gets brought in to fucking shit on me. What did you say? I said when I look at my cast I'm genuinely happy. They're such wonderful little creatures What the fuck is wrong with that? That's a nice thought. Why do we have to shit on anyone who has any positive anything? That's a nice thought. Why do we have to shit on anyone who has any positive anything?

I like animals. I like animals. You didn't say that, though. You said something weird about your cats. It's not weird. I said I enjoy looking at them, and it brings me... I'm amazed at what incredible creatures they are. So Shakespearean. Oh, fuck you.

Go hang out with your stupid dog, you piece of shit. I hate my dog. No, you don't. Nothing but problems. You love that don't. Nothing but problems. You love that little motherfucker. Nothing but problems. I've canceled. She had a bunch of goop in her eyes.

Oh, shit. I made a vet appointment, and the next day I didn't feel like going in because I was hungover. Canceled the vet appointment. Wow. I don't give a fuck about my dog. That's pretty cold. That didn't happen. To be fair, I don't bring my cat to the vet as often as I should.

Do you know about the thing I have in my show where we. To be fair, I don't bring my cast to the vet as often as I should. Do you know about the thing I have in my show where we replace to be fair with I suck cocks? Oh, so I should not. Have you heard about that? No, I haven't. Because you say it a lot. And I don't ever want to correct you because I know it's like a secret joke for my fans. So they hear that and they automatically replace it. I suck cocks.

Because I said it so much that now they can't unhear it. Yeah. I'll try to rein it in. No, don't. It's funny. To be fair, it's a reasonable gripe to have. Okay, this has been

the biggest problem of the universe. Vito, where can they go to find you? Find me at youtube.com slash Vito. I got some cool videos hanging out.

Again, I just reviewed Space Jam. It was fun. Yeah, and support the show at patreon.com Slash biggest problem We'll see you in two weeks I think Two weeks Oh boy oh boy oh boy Vote

Vote at biggestproblem.show That's where you're going to vote. Oh, a little cowbell. Tell us which theme song to stick with yeah yeah three it's hard to pick they all have a little something to them um okay when are we releasing this i don't know are we gonna paywall this motherfucker and really fucking hammer everybody live show it gets paid wall that's too much of a fucking okay but then we put it up right away on patreon i would just save it for

like monday oh no on patreon we can put it up now down yeah now sure the video well we'd have to separately we'd have to export it right now. We could do that. We could upload it separately. Yeah, we could do that. Let's try it that way. I think it's also an incentive like, oh, if I don't show up for the live show, I'm going to miss

the show. I like that part. I especially like that part because then people in Australia are fucked. Yeah. They have to wait here for, like, two in the morning. I don't even know if it needs to go up right now. It could go up tomorrow. What's the incentive of the paywall?

It's gotta go up right now. And then Monday. Monday, everybody gets it? Yeah. They gotta wait, what, six hours? Or, like, how long? Twelve hours? They're frothing at the mouth to get biggest problem in the universe okay we'll try it that way i don't think it's asking then i gotta put the prop see the problem i'm not gonna put the problems up on the website to vote or not you can put people are gonna know

they're not gonna be like god damn it i can't see this okay so then sign up for the patreon and you will have okay at patreon.com slash biggest problem we're so good at got it bye everybody