The Biggest Problem in the Universe - Episode 64
Episode Date: November 14, 2022Autism, People Who Don't Use the Turn Lane, Effective Altruism, Enslaving Indie Directors...
Transcript
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It's empty. Your spot is empty.
Oh, and he's appeared!
Would've been funny.
He's appeared.
I should've had a Josh Denny cutout, too.
Pop in a frame.
It's another week.
You could've had a red beard over your beard and gotten a
Ha ha, it's actually me!
And changed your hat.
A lot of people were mad that I missed the show.
Yes, of course, because it's not the show.
When it's not the two of us.
I mean, we are great.
It's like a different.
It's a different vibe.
My favorite part when there's a sub in the show is getting lectures from people about what makes the show good.
Yeah, that's like, well, either you got no show.
That's what they don't understand.
It's like, well, we could have just not done any show.
At least you got something.
But they refuse to settle.
I mean, you're, I know.
I'm the one that thought
it was a good idea in the first place. I know
why it's good. Well,
see, the reason why is because you and
Josh agreed to. Yeah, I
know. What do you want me to do?
I know that, man. Yeah.
Well, I had to go to Las
Vegas. I didn't have to go, but
it was good for me to go. You went to that mom convention, is that right? I went to go to Las Vegas. I didn't have to go, but it was good for me to go.
You went to that mom convention.
Is that right?
I went to a middle-aged woman convention and featuring the great Andy Signore, who's been on this show.
Yeah, he's great.
Did you get any?
I was close.
How close?
There was a situation where I basically had to choose between
Getting some and doing karaoke
And
What?
But I felt like skipping karaoke
Would have been like rude
And also I love karaoke
Rude? To whom?
To Andy who brought me out
This is rude to me
Not getting laid.
How did you have to, did she not understand that you had obligations to do karaoke?
I don't know if I should talk about this, but it was like a situation where one of these ladies was clearly, you know.
Too drunk.
Down to hell.
Well.
That was the other thing where I was like, look, she's really drunk.
And, you know, she's one of Andy's fans, so I don't want to, like...
You definitely shouldn't be talking about this.
Yeah, exactly, right?
You've got to make her walk a line.
I don't want to, yeah, I don't want to, like...
You've got to say, say the alphabet in any order you want and starting wherever.
It was one of those situationsituations where like Andy would go
Vito don't fuck
My drunk fans
Like something bad
Is going to happen
You were drunk too though
Right?
Yeah yeah yeah
So that's okay
This cancels out
Yeah
You were a fan of her too
I went the moral route
And I said you know
This would probably be bad
And I don't think
Anyone's going to be happy
With the situation
Yeah
And you regret it
Well of course
I regret it
But hopefully
We go back out there
And uh
Hopefully next year
Even bigger
Even better
But yeah
We went out for the
Johnny Depp concert
I saw that uh
Johnny Depp like
Recorded a stinger
For Popcorn Planet
Dude he
Andy went backstage
And like did like
A 40 minute interview
Basically
Oh my god
Yeah and he got it
All on tape
What did he ask him
I don't know I didn't watch it.
What color was Amber Heard's asshole? Just kind of like,
hey, like, he was basically
trying to be like, are you aware
of all these people who support you
in this YouTube community we have?
And he's like, yeah. I think he even said
he's like, sometimes I would watch your guys' videos
when my lawyers weren't like
telling me what was going on.
Like, weren't keeping me up to date on the case
Yeah, so yeah, he basically said thanks for all you've done which is a crazy for Andy's
Channel and community and everything Andy asked about me at all with Johnny Depp. He asked like are you familiar with?
Selfish yeah, I know he didn't invite me backstage
What would you have done?
I was sitting in the nosebleeds
It was fine
He gave me a free ticket
So I'm not complaining
Sounds pretty good
What would I have done?
And you didn't sleep in your car
You were saying?
No I even got a
See this is
The funny thing
I was talking with Andy
He goes
Yeah
He's like
Isn't it great
Like that I've traded
My shitty dirt bag community
For this one
Which is nice and supportive
And all these people love me.
Yeah.
And I'm like, yeah, my audience is still a bunch of people who call me a cuck and an
F slur.
Like, oh, they call you a cat rapist.
Yeah, a cat rapist and a pedophile.
And then like his audience, it's all these people going, we support you, Andy.
You're so wonderful.
And I'm like, I'm like, I do want what you have.
Yeah, but you're not that guy.
You're not positive.
I'm not that nice.
Yeah, you're not nice at all. I am nice. I'm not that nice. Yeah, you're not nice at all.
I am nice. I just
they've made me crazy.
You're like the head of a beer. That's
the amount that they whack off before they
bring it to you. That's your nice.
I think I used to be way nicer and
then the internet makes you
fucking crazy and all these people
coming at you all the time. So you gotta get hard.
You're gonna be, no, don't fuck me.
Fuck you. You're wrong.
You're hard? Yeah.
Now I have the, no, no, no.
Now I have a shield
around me than any criticism.
Just what? Gets absorbed by
you and turns into anger? And turned into pure
energy which I regurgitate back
at my haters. I gotta do, well, I'm
off Twitter now.
Yeah, so. My friend Mixter Roboto is back.
Oh, that's good.
I gotta start, I gotta bring in my bit of who's Vito beefing with on Twitter this week.
That would be pretty good.
I keep finding.
It's always black guys.
It's not always black guys.
And they're always, and you know what I love about them?
Sometimes they'll do like a mammy, like, like impersonation to show how you want them to
step in line, but they'll go like, Oh yes. Oh my God.
That's very good.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Okay.
Are you ready to start the show?
We're just going to talk.
No,
there's so,
there's so much going on.
Like Mr.
Girls.
Everything's just a fucking mess.
Biggest problem.
In the Universe.
Welcome to the biggest problem in the universe.
The only show that ranks every problem in the universe.
From venues getting stage fright to who is the true Israelites.
I'm your host, Nick Madison.
Joining me as always, back in the seat, back in the saddle again,
and I don't mean a bike saddle.
Vito just walled me.
Hey, I'll take the bike.
You just gotta, I keep coming by at night and, you know.
I've been meaning to do stuff too.
Yeah, it's always that.
I gotta pop the wheel off.
Oh, really?
Then you can take it.
Yeah, and I found the tools to do that, but you know.
Why are you gonna pop the wheel off?
So you can fit it in your car. Oh, we'll fit it fill with the wheels. We try it. Let's get crazy and try it
Well, there's a it doesn't work. We'll just leave it in the street
There's a bunch of shit in the back of my car so I got like what Vegas stuff. I took the Vegas all your karaoke gear
I'm so good. I love karaoke. We should do karaoke. I
Hate karaoke why well cuz there's people it's people having fun doing something badly.
That's like my worst nightmare.
You have to have a good karaoke.
That's like the whole world.
There's no difference between karaoke and just everything else to me.
Yeah.
And then you have to wait your turn to get attention.
That's the problem.
Yeah.
It's just you wanting to do a show.
That's how I feel.
As I'm like, once all the stooges are done, it's my time to shine again.
Normally, in a social situation, you command the attention.
Yeah.
So it's 95% on me and 5% on doesn't matter.
Miscellaneous, right?
Too many slices.
The pies are too thin, so they just say, like, see the back if you want to see it.
Karaoke, you have to give even the boring kid.
Yeah, it is communism for attention.
Everybody gets a little bit of attention.
Yeah, okay okay Are you interested
You just gotta pick longer songs
Than everybody
Oh yeah
Yeah
Are you ready for the
Yeah
Results from last week
Do you even care
Cause you weren't here
Like do you even give a shit
About
I mean I'm
I'm as interested
As any other audience member
Which is to say
Not at all
Honestly Honestly I haven't listened To the episode yet That's fine I didn't listen to any of yours other audience member, which is to say not at all.
Honestly,
I haven't listened to the episode yet.
That's fine. I didn't listen to any of yours when people called in. Good. Unnecessary
safety warnings. That's number one.
Whose was that? Guess.
Feels like a you problem.
Correctamundo.
Boom.
Venue cancellation. You're never going to guess.
That's a Josh Denny problem. That's obvious. Boom. Fakeue cancellation. You're never going to get it. That's a Josh Denny problem. That's obvious.
Boom.
Fake straights.
I want to say that's you again.
All right.
Wow.
Jersey burning.
That's a Josh Denny one.
Dang.
Wow.
And then you're never going to get it.
How's there a fifth one?
Well, I don't know. We're getting sloppy in the last one. Josh goes a lot Denny one. Damn, wow. And then you're never going to get... How's there a fifth one? Well, I don't know.
We're getting sloppy in the last one.
Josh goes a lot faster than you.
Is that good or bad?
Well, it's just different.
You got to stretch it out.
Yeah.
He's like a jackhammerer.
Yeah.
You're like a star laying back in bed, starfish.
It is.
You got to have...
I think people do get on podcasts and they talk real fast.
I've seen that cited as a problem
He's just a funny guy
He's got a lot going on
He's got a lot of stuff in his head
Black Israelites
Well that was him again right
Incorrect
That was you
Damn
Dead last in the negatives
That was negative People like the black Israelites They love them because they're just goofy rascals
They're just fun they're just hanging out
Jews are like mr. Wilson and the black Israelites are like Dennis the menace
Just a really bad job of selling that pro
Whatever it is.
I don't know.
They were on an island together.
Dennis the Menace got raped.
How did that show go?
What was that?
That's not Dennis the Menace at all.
I'm pretty sure that's something like that.
They were on an island.
Are you talking about Gilligan?
No.
Okay.
All right.
We got N. Ropasi.
Maybe it's that British Dennis the Menace.
Yeah.
Yes.
Vito complains about being behind black people in the drive-thru.
I wasn't even here last week, and the things are still about me.
This is bullshit.
But proudly states that he holds up the line to get his free Frosty
and requests re-dos when he gets ice in his soda.
I guess that's who's the real black is real light here.
You know what? I have to say it. That's a good point.
Benjamin Swearingen said, great episode.
Josh is a great co-host. Oh, wow. Thanks.
See, he's supportive people. Oh, that's nice.
Yeah, that's what y'all should do, you fucking negatives.
Again, can we have a fan base that's
just like a little bit nice? Although some people have been
saying very nice things in like private.
Do you want like a nice week where everyone
says nice things and not sarcastically?
I'll say this to the fans. You don't have to keep
DMing me going, hey, I know
I noticed the fans have been really harsh on you.
I hope you know
that, you know, there are guys like us
who support you. I'm like, yeah, I know. I know. Like, don't worry
about it. I'm happy with it. And there's
another hater born. There's a lot of people who are
really like concerned that I'm like
going to snap.
I've gotten emails like that, dude.
Like, you got to be nice to your viewer or he'll quit.
Yeah.
And I'm like, I tell these guys, I go, listen, man, if you pay me money to do a thing, you can like take a dump in my mouth.
I don't care.
Like, and the show's fun.
The contentious and the fighting, it's all part of the fun.
Yeah. I know some co-hosts of other shows lost their fucking minds over audiences not respecting their comedy genius or whatever the fuck.
But there's a steady paycheck in it.
I'll believe anything.
By the way, he's on fucking Twitter today.
Can I read you this one?
Oh, this is what fucking Brainiac says.
Maddox says, all joking aside.
Okay.
So your normal way to fucking pontificate and lecture people on Twitter from when you're wearing a virtual banana suit and a hobble that you haven't paid rent on in a year and a half since COVID was a little glimmer in our eyes.
All joking aside, losing Twitter is really going to hurt a lot of people.
People who've spent years cultivating an audience here
who've come to rely on them to sell their art
only to lose it all overnight
because a billionaire wanted to have some epic lulls.
Let that sink in.
Oh my.
What a deep and incredible thought.
This motherfucker sued Patreon
because they didn't delete my account.
Yeah, he tried to get Patreon sued.
Sued and possibly
shut down, whatever.
He's got voicemails
of this guy all over town telling venues
that I'm a white supremacist and they gotta
cancel it. Oh, he's the cancel culture
king. He's the king of cancel culture.
He's the Batman of cancel culture. He's the Batman of cancel culture.
Him and Keffel should team up.
I don't know which one's Robin.
He doesn't want to hurt artists.
They're both Robin.
He thinks artists need to be protected.
Yeah.
That's what matters.
In which case, I'm like, well, why don't you spend more time making YouTube videos and shit
instead of just trying to get people's stupid comedy shows canceled?
But he can't make videos because nobody wants to see him.
Nobody wants to see or hear him.
They just want to read these idiotic, like, Andy Rooney commentaries.
He had a post that was, like, all over, huge viral, and it was like,
why, why do we have to buy a case for a phone?
That's a design flaw.
It's not a fucking, what are you talking about, man?
Yeah, there's different cases
depending on your style.
It needs...
You know, a little extra protection.
Extra battery.
Yeah, yeah.
You can get a case
that suits your unique need.
But gangbusters,
because everyone is a moron.
Yeah.
And they all love that shit anyway.
Okay.
There's gotta be a way
for him to monetize that.
Sterlet, Vito's name being on Josh's screen means he's responsible for everything he says.
Yeah, we do not have a two-person graphic that doesn't have our names on there.
I think we might.
I don't think I made one.
I just didn't have it up.
No, because I didn't make one.
Oh, you didn't?
No, because I never anticipated a show where...
Where you weren't here?
Where I wasn't here.
No, because I never anticipated a show where you weren't here.
Where I wasn't here.
Steve says, jersey burning like all the people who burned their expensive Carhartt clothing or broke their Pit Viper sunglasses.
Also brings to mind all the people who threw out their Michael Vick jerseys
and then bought new ones when he went to the Eagles.
Yeah, I guess that's true.
Yeah, Michael Vick just got away with it, huh?
Got away with
fighting the dogs?
Yeah.
Everyone's like,
ah, let them kill each other.
Did dogs die?
Some dogs must have died, right?
Do dogs die?
No, I meant like
in the fighting pit,
in Mike Vitt's fighting pit.
Definitely.
Well, that's sad.
Why did he do that?
That's like a culture thing,
I think.
Yeah.
It's the Israelite in him.
It's the Israelite. He just needed to see something bite for life it is you know but then you hear you know about
chicken fighting i'm like yeah but that's fine they don't have souls the way dogs do well yeah
i'd watch a cockfight um okay i think that's about it what do you well dick i of course have my
favorite segment oh yes and what's the name of that segment?
Well.
And better than ever.
It's better than ever.
Just play that stinger.
Hit it.
Once there was this kid.
I know this one.
Didn't go and vote on the problems on the website. He finally came home He found
Someone had murdered his family
He should have fucking voted
You know you gotta vote
Vote it up
Well, that's a warning to you folks.
You gotta vote up these problems
here.
On this show we have so many famous problems.
Can we please do like a parody album?
I really want to do some
parody songs because they're fun. Let's take a day
and do it in 24 hours.
No one's ever done a Christmas album
in 24 hours before.
And then we throw it up. I think it would be fun.
I really want to do some parodies. I was actually saying today I want to do some parody songs. I think it would be fun. I really want to do some parodies.
I was actually saying today I want to do some parody songs
because I think people would love them.
Anyway, don't forget, you can always go to thebiggestproblem.show
and vote on past and future problems.
Let's get some of these old problems up,
one of which is celebrity voice actors.
Now, this is not a celebrity voice actor,
but I'm worried that he will be replaced by one.
News came today that Kevin Conroy,
best known for voicing Batman on the long-running TV show
Batman the Animated Series,
has died after a short battle with cancer.
Short battle?
You don't have to say that.
I don't know.
I was really weird about that.
You don't need to say he pussed out in the battle with cancer.
It's really weird that they're saying,
he battled cancer but not very well.
Just because of his manliness.
What they're saying is like he
found out that he had cancer and then he died very
shortly after and I'm like well don't call it a short
battle. Concrete
embankment. Yeah it's very weird.
A short
battle of cancer. It's cause of the
whole cancer. I was gonna bring this in.
This whole fuck cancer thing is just died of cancer. Yeah. because of the whole cancer. I was going to bring this in. This whole fuck cancer thing.
It's just died of cancer.
Yeah.
He died after pitting his forces of good against the unholy forces of cancer's darkness.
This was Norm MacDonald's whole bit, obviously.
You know that joke where he goes, the last thing that you did on earth was lose a battle.
That's a terrible way to go out.
Yeah.
You know, I don't want to lose a battle That's a terrible way To go out Yeah You know I don't want to lose a battle
Hey speaking of
Comedians
Of the best comedians
Gallagher died
And we should probably
That's true
And Gallagher's getting
Way less attention
Than Kevin Conroy
And less than Norm
And he's funnier than Norm
Gallagher's funnier than Norm
I mean he broke
Those melons
Like no one's business
Well he also had like
Why does
House
Like why do you pronounce it ow?
And then it's like moose.
He had like a bunch of like comics jokes and stuff.
Comedy genius.
I remember watching a special where he had a giant fake couch.
Yeah, I saw that one.
With the trampolines.
Yes.
And he'd just jump around on this big fake.
That guy was a mastermind.
I tell you what.
Because guys like me at home You probably are like Smart guys
Like making clever jokes
They get all the attention
All the glory
I'm like
Well we're the guys
That are like jumping on big couches
Where's the guy with a big
Oversized couch
That's smashing fruit
That's what we want
Where's the guy that's ugly
With a small face
And then he walked out
It's like
Whoa
I could be a comedian too
Honestly I think
The absurdity of Gallagher
Does deserve A little bit of respect.
More than Norm.
He's funnier than Norm.
Not more than Norm.
Not going to say that.
Norm couldn't even smash a watermelon, probably.
Maybe not, but his witticisms were legendary.
I hold him in higher regard than Gallagher.
Gallagher was better.
Didn't Gallagher have a brother that like stole his act?
Too much Gallagher for one man.
There was like two Gallagher's like competing with each other.
That's right.
And his brother had to like sue him when he's like,
I owned Smashing Watermelons under the name Gallagher.
You're not allowed to do it.
Look, Don, you're like that woman that me too'd Norm.
Yeah.
But then when he was dead, said he groped her or something.
There better be some bitch that comes out and says Gallagher
Gallagher did something horrible
Smashed her with
Well hopefully nobody
Comes out against
Kevin Conroy
A Batman the Animated Series
Aired for 85 episodes
On Fox Kids
And Conroy's deep
Gravelly Batman voice
Was widely acclaimed
That was the best Batman
By critics
He is Batman
Or he was
The rest sound so dumb
I'm worried again
though, now they're going to make like a Batman
animated movie and they're going to get
Seth Rogen
to go, oh man,
I'm the knight.
It's going to, just get guys
who can do a Batman voice.
But no, no one could do that Batman voice.
Although Mark Hamill was the Joker. He's the one
celebrity voice actor. But that was different because his celebrity had like kind of voice. Although Mark Hamill was the Joker. He's the one celebrity voice actor.
But that was different because his celebrity had kind of faded.
I mean, he was still always Luke Skywalker.
But you didn't know it was Mark Hamill.
Yeah, that's the other thing.
That's why it's not a celebrity voice actor.
Right.
It wasn't him doing just his normal voice.
Yeah.
Famously, Roger Ebert reviewed Batman Mask of the Phantasm.
And he goes, I really like this movie But I hate the voice
Of the Joker
Whoever they got to do that
Oh really
He doesn't know
He's shitting on Mark Hamill
Right now
Yeah it was hilarious
And then he got throat cancer
And then he got throat cancer
And retribution
How about that
Watch you shut your mouth
Take that Roger Ebert
Roger Ebert
Short battle
Well another
Almost instantaneous
He lost his shirt
No he lasted a little bit
He's just
Remember when he lost
Half his jaw
And went on Oprah
And you're like
Oh man
Oh god That was fucking weird Which one of you Has a weirder chin No, he lasted a little bit. He's just, I remember when he lost half his jaw and went on Oprah and you're like, oh man. Oh God.
That was fucking weird.
Which one of you has a weirder chin?
And you're like, okay, just don't do the interview.
Get out of here, Ebert.
Fuck.
Just go, yeah, go rest.
Go rest.
Avatar or something.
He had like a scarf like loosely wrapped around him too to like maybe hide some of the-
He had Siskel's corpse that he was bringing around too like with a puppet.
Weird.
Second problem.
I actually want from the previous episode of Venue Cancellation.
This is a follow-up.
Oh, okay.
From Josh Denny, attempted to put on a show in the town of Rutherford, New Jersey.
I believe this was-
Nuke it.
Yesterday or last night.
Maybe the night before.
The mayor of the town
issued a letter
saying unbeknownst to the borough, an event
was planned this evening for the Williams Center,
news of which quickly circulated
through social media. Online
intelligence led
the police department to believe
the event had the potential for confrontation.
After discussions with the owner, the event has been canceled.
So let's be clear.
It wasn't canceled by the venue being like, oh, we're worried about the backlash.
The police strong-armed the venue.
The government stepped in and said, you need to shut down a comedy show and make sure that no free speech happens here tonight
See if the venue hears about stuff
And they want to shut down
It's unfortunate
But it's within the letter of the law
This could actually be illegal
It should be
For the mayor and the cops
To be going to venues
And going
You can't host those guys
Because it's gonna
We're gonna have to come out
It should be illegal for them to even suggest it
Yes
Like that's what I was saying With the whole
The Facebook
Twitter
Like portals
That they gave the government
To say what was this info
And I'm like
It should be illegal
That they even like
Suggest
Suggested it
What might be disinformation
Yeah
That's true
This is crazy
I hope
I hope
That these guys
Try to do some sort of
Legal action
Cause
I got a better idea What's that? Let's Let's fuck the mayor's daughter I hope that these guys try to do some sort of legal action because...
I got a better idea.
What's that?
Let's fuck the mayor's daughter.
Okay.
That'll really show her.
Let's set up a fake Tinder profile and set it to her area and got like a really handsome one.
And then we'll fuck her and we'll revenge porn her.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
Just fuck her and break her heart.
That reminds me, we have a live show next week.
Long Beach.
I think live.biggestproblem.show
Did you set that up? That link?
I think so. Live.
Yeah. Okay.
Go to live.biggestproblem. Okay. Alright.
You can buy the tickets. BYOB.
BYOB. We had to pay extra
so it's BYOB. That's why the tickets areOB BYOB We had to pay extra So it's BYOB
That's why the tickets
Are 35 bucks
But that means
But then you don't have to
Buy alcohol
Unlimited liquor
Yeah
So as long as you like drinking
And whippets
You know
Whatever you want
Well
Within reason
Nothing illegal
Yeah of course
Well
I don't think you're allowed
Are you allowed to do whippets?
You're allowed to decorate a cake.
Yeah, okay, fair enough.
Sure.
I was in the grocery store recently,
and there was just like a Hispanic woman buying just a can of,
what do you call it, whipped cream.
Yeah.
I really had to resist the urge to go, ah, I'm whipping it, huh?
I think she was.
We went to Vegas with a friend one time, and she pulls her luggage out.
Yeah.
She's like, one luggage.
And I'm like, oh, yeah, is that it?
And she's like, no, I got one more.
And she pulls it out, and it sounded like a...
It sounded like a...
Just a bunch of clanking cans.
Clanking cans, yeah.
Anyway, guys, live show.
We got to sell some tickets.
I don't actually know.
We don't know how many tickets we sold, because we don't have the...
Probably sold out.
Josh Denny has the bag.
It might be sold out. I don't know. I mean, you could still buy tickets we sold because we don't have the. Probably sold out. Josh Denny has the bag. It might be sold out.
I don't know.
I mean, you could still buy them now.
But we're going to have a packed house.
Hopefully, Josh is going to do kind of stand up.
Yeah.
I guess I have to do stand up, which I'm dreading.
Do you have new jokes?
Well, why do I have to do new jokes?
I don't have to do all new material.
Because your stuff last time was like Truman Show.
That's like 20 years old.
Yeah, well, whatever. I have like Monica Lewinsky jokes. Yeah, I'm going to do some. All new material Because your stuff last time Was like Truman Show That's like 20 years old Most
Yeah well
Whatever
Still funny
Monica Lewinsky jokes
Yeah I'm gonna do some
What do you call it
Now I forgot already
Oh I spilled
Someone call
Monica
Bill Clinton
Bill Clinton
With the blue dress
I'll do
I'll do some new stuff
Okay
I have some
I have some jokes that are
I don't know
But the old stuff
People like the old stuff
Got some great Harry Potter jokes
You know
Those are topical of course
I have jokes about stuff
That hasn't even happened yet
Oh wow
Yeah
I'm excited for that
Okay
Is that it?
I think that's it
Vote it up at the website
Biggestproblem.show
Once there was this kid I don't know This is a good one You like this one? I think that's it. Vote it up at the website, biggestproblem.show.
Once there was this kid. I don't know if this is a good one.
You like this one?
Well, now I'm like, I've been trained on 30-second stangers.
He finally came home.
You want to go first or you want me to go first?
Well, you won.
I won, okay.
Someone had murdered his family.
I think yours is funnier, though.
Which one?
Okay, I'll do mine.
This is not funny.
I did a dark one.
I should have fucking voted.
This is funny.
Jesus Christ.
This is...
Mine is called...
Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.
Never mind.
I'm not used to the life.
Mine's called...
Get in your super chats now.
Mine's effective...
Effective altruism.
Have you heard of this one? Effective altruism. It's called effective altruism. Have you heard of this one?
It's called effective altruism.
This is a real thing.
And it's a problem. It's called this. It's a big problem.
I became aware of this when
that whole FTX
crypto trading platform
I was going to ask if you got caught up in that at all.
Dude, I have avoided every single
one of these by like six hours.
Holy shit.
Like a matter of hours.
Like cleared, clicked the email, and then it's like, we're no longer doing withdrawals.
We're no longer doing withdrawals.
Oh my fucking God.
I was kind of worried.
I was like, holy shit.
So this guy, Sam Bankman Freed.
Yeah.
Who's a fucking asshole. And apparently it's all like a house of cards. This is fascinating. Itman Freed. Yeah. Who's a fucking asshole.
And apparently it's all like a house of cards.
This is fascinating.
It's even worse.
Yeah.
Like he, he got everybody's money.
He got everyone to put their money in his thing.
And then they would like trade the crypto with other crypto.
Yeah.
Like thinking one would go up and one would go down.
Right.
Just like a stock market, but for crypto. Sure.
Like I'm gonna buy Ethereum.
I'm like, no, no, I'm gonna buy Bitcoin. And then they go up and down and you leverage it and you trade it. And he takes a little tiny bit after every down. Right. Just like a stock market, but for crypto. Sure. Like, I'm going to buy Ethereum. I'm like, no, no, I'm going to buy Bitcoin.
And then they go up and down
and you leverage it
and you trade it.
And he takes a little tiny bit
after every one, right?
And that's fine.
You can make billions of dollars
doing this, right?
That's what stock traders do, yeah.
But instead of just making money,
he decided to give all of that money
to a venture capital firm
that then gave 10 billion or
16 billion dollars to
like 500 companies
like investing, but it's really just their pals.
I can't really give you some money.
Make a thing, make a thing.
He was giving away a ton of money. All of it.
So it's all, he just gave it
away. For funsies.
Yeah, and his response
when it all happened, when it went down,
his response was, let me make sure I have this quote right.
I'm sorry.
Yeah, I saw that.
Somebody posted in response to that.
Did you ever see the South Park?
Is it like the BP president or something apologizing?
Yeah, DP.
We're sorry.
We're really sorry. I'm apologizing. D.P. We're sorry. We're sorry. We're really sorry.
I'm so sorry.
So the reason I've always hated this guy is because I hate people who make their brand
like about charity because I don't believe them.
I don't buy it.
Like nobody's like that.
Yeah.
The fact that you're even telling anybody is an ad.
And after some digging, I found that this is called this specific type of charity.
And it's very specific.
And I'll tell you why.
I'll get to why it's so bad.
It's called effective altruism.
It's defined as sacrifice-free altruism.
So he's not losing anything.
Right.
The definition of it is
we're helping people.
And they use the example,
the guy who pioneered this is, well, if you saw a kid drowning in a shallow pond, you'd save them.
Because you don't have to sacrifice anything to do it.
Right.
That's what we're trying to do.
Right.
Right?
So they're selling this as like you're saving a drowning kid.
But what I'm saying is it is not possible to do good without significant sacrifice.
Right?
Yeah.
In most, well, is there any, you can do good in some situations, right?
No.
Because there's.
Because it doesn't count?
Because there's predators at every stage.
Yeah.
In your altruism looking to fuck you over.
That's true.
And take your money.
That's true.
And do exactly what this motherfucker did.
And give it to all their
friends so they're selling this like slacktivist version of altruism where you're not you're not
like doing charity you're not lobbying the government like you're not using like you're
not relying on like your core morality to define what problems need to be solved. You're just sitting in a fucking live workspace,
setting up meetings with other people in their live workspaces over Zoom,
pretending to spend someone else's money on other live workspaces full of people like you.
It never gets to the end person.
No, no, because they're helping.
If they help the company, isn't it going to trickle down, Dick?
It trickled down to their fucking friends.
This guy is the perfect example of effective altruism.
You just stole $16 billion and gave it to your fucking friends.
He also gave a lot to the Democrats.
I don't know if you saw that.
I did see that, but I didn't want to make this political. Wasn't he like the number
one Democratic donor? I think he gave him like
500 million dollars or something. Because he didn't want to
go to prison.
I've hated this guy for a long
fucking time. There's nothing that would make me
happier than him and Elon Musk
sharing a jail cell where somehow
they're both the ones getting ass raped.
Because I hate them so much.
Put an ass rape machine in the cell with them every six hours.
You were going to say something real bad.
Even a big guy named Tyrone?
First premise.
Go ahead.
First black Israelite.
First premise is suffering and death from lack of food, shelter, and medical care are bad.
Can you imagine this is your first premise and you're doing a TED Talk?
Is this the hierarchy of needs, basically?
It's not.
It's like a retardarchy of needs.
Hierarchy of being retarded.
If it's in your power to prevent something bad from happening
without sacrificing anything nearly as important,
it is wrong not to do so.
The whole premise of it is offensive to me and bad because it sells people on this idea that doing good is possible to do without any sacrifice or effort.
Well, I think you bring up a good point that you can be taken advantage of by trying to do good.
And that's the pitfall.
Yeah. It's not like a homeless guy is like, oh, I just need a dollar. And you go, a dollar. by trying to do good. And that's the pitfall. Yeah.
Is that like a homeless guy's like,
oh, I just need a dollar.
And you go, a dollar.
Well, that's nothing, you know?
And you give it to him.
And then it turns out he uses it to buy a gun
to kill his wife or something.
Like, you don't know, you know?
Yeah.
Yeah.
The idea of it.
Right.
And the idea of it is what's being sold
to everyone in this fucking hippie cult.
Well, not even hippie.
This Silicon Valley.
I think they were super hippies, though.
Like, didn't he fuck everybody?
Like, everybody who worked there had been in a relationship.
There's like a 10% polycule.
They all lived in the Bahamas.
So he's giving this story like he drives a fucking Corolla,
a used Corolla around like Warren Buffett,
who's another fucking F-slur that I hate.
But meanwhile, he's living in a $300 million mansion in the Bahamas in a fucking weird, ugly polycule.
Yeah, it's like a 10-person weird poly relationship, and they're all fucking each other and stealing your Bitcoin.
It's a really good scam.
I wish I had gotten in on that.
I wish I was going to get in on that polycule.
Well, apparently it was just like Kids he met at like MIT Or like
Former buddies
And they would just
All move to the Bahamas
Fuck the shit out of each other
And steal everybody's ethereum
Yeah
And I'm like man
That sounds great
And give it to their pals
Yeah
Who would give it to their pals
At no point
Someone's getting out of that situation
Looking good
Not him
This is 16 billion dollars
So the effect of altruism
Is stealing it from
Normal people
Yeah And giving it to rich people.
And at no point did any poor people get it.
So there was this, they had like a charity group that got a little taste.
I don't know how much, but not much.
And they all resigned.
Oh, what, the charity heads resigned because they got a bunch of money?
No, because they saw this this they're like, oh
We didn't know we were working for Hitler. Oh
Yeah, we just want to walk away now Wow
They also had a some sports arena the FTX arena. That's not gonna remain that way. They already took it down real
Yeah, they took it down. Really? Yeah, they already took it off. This is fascinating. By third premise, by
donating to aid agencies, you can prevent
suffering and death from lack
of food, shelter, and medical care
without sacrificing anything nearly as
important. Conclusion, therefore
if you do not donate to aid agencies,
you're doing something wrong.
Okay. Is that, are they
actually arguing that or is that like a hypothetical?
Yeah, so it's not, it's not just like be charitable because it's like cool and nice.
It's like, if you don't be charitable, you're evil.
You're a bad person.
Okay.
Or you're immoral.
I'll just do immoral things then, I guess.
Why not?
If I'm already a bad guy, I might as well be bad a lot.
If something worth doing, it's worth doing fucking right.
I don't know how I could be worse than stealing 16 billion fucking dollars though
This is your Joker moment, I feel
You want me to donate money to charity?
I'm just gonna go kill all those kids
I don't know if you gotta do that, Dick
I'm already doing that
Like, I don't know how to be worse than either you
This poster boy for effective altruism
The new age, like, new version of just charity
Or the fucking government.
It's impossible for me to do more evil than you guys.
Right.
Yeah, he is the most evil.
Was this like something he posted or just the summary of what he's been up to?
This is like the inventor.
This is the whole idea.
Of effective altruism.
Who invented this?
Just some weirdo?
Like, do people subscribe to this? Some pedophile.
I don't know.
And that's the answer to, ah, some
pedophile. It turns it into, like, this
personal decision, like,
if it's like, donate to this charity, we're gonna, like,
help the environment, then you kinda gotta
think about it and go like, oh, yeah, okay, well, what's
the trade-offs? Yeah. There's gotta be, like, a good
effective altruism. Yeah, which charity do you even donate to? Who knows? Yeah. You might donate. We'll just give it to our like, oh, yeah, okay, well, what's the trade-offs? Yeah. There's got to be like a good... Yeah, which charity
do you even donate to?
Who knows?
Yeah.
We'll just give it
to our, you know, think tank.
Yeah, a lot of charities
are bullshit.
Some charities,
people will tell you
are actually bad, you know?
Like teaching women to read.
That's not the one I...
That's a bad one.
That's not the one I said.
I don't think you said that.
Teaching the man away. Now that I don't think you said that. Teaching the math.
Now that I don't approve of at all.
Oh, you can't teach the math.
Keep women out of STEM.
Don't be crazy.
That's what I say.
Yeah.
Well, Dick.
That's my problem.
That's a pretty good problem.
Earn money to give it away.
It's a big fucking scam.
Fuck these people.
You know what?
I would say it sounds like whoever came up with that has a certain brain developmental disorder,
which I am calling the biggest problem in the universe.
And that is, of course, autism, Dick.
You're so right.
Autism.
Also known as autism spectrum disorder.
Fuck that.
It's a range of neurodevelopmental conditions characterized by difficulties in social interaction,
verbal and nonverbal communication,
and the presence of restricted
and repetitive behavior.
Other common signs include struggling
to form friendships, trouble with conversational
skills, pervasive interests,
stereotypic body movements,
ritualistic behavior, and
unusual responses to sensory stimuli.
Basically, everyone in our audience.
Now, Dick. This is the audience you were saying is not nice enough? Unusual responses to sensory stimuli Basically everyone in our audience Now Dick
This is the audience you were saying is not nice enough
I love this
Well they're getting a little bit back
I'm throwing a little bit back their way
The problem is when they throw a little bit back
It's like 10,000 people throwing a little bit back
It's like okay
I just need a minute guys
Look not all of our audiences are autistic because according to stats,
only one in 44 kids has autism, but that's still pretty high.
It's a lot.
It's a lot.
How much autism does one in 50 have?
Well, that's the other weird thing about autism is that there's a lot of
different disorders that are all contained under the subheading of autism.
Yeah.
And they actually fight a lot about like, well, that's not really autism.
Autistic people do?
Yeah.
That and the doctors and whatever else.
I really think autism is a big, big problem.
I'm not going to try to stump you on this one.
It's a scary one because back in the day, it was four to five kids and every 10,000 to uh well this is saying
half of all kids in 2025 because they never counted before well that's the other thing like
maybe yeah but still it seems like it is growing though that's because they got the internet this
is actually this is what i this is a big problem i have with autism yeah these motherfuckers have
ruined the internet.
Go ahead.
Because they internet ten times as much as everybody else. Thank you, honey.
They internet all the time and they just
come in to every community
and fuck it up, puzzle it
out with their autism.
People are kind of curious
and want to know more about them.
They think they're funny
and they're not funny
I should be excommunicated from every on there worse than furries and
Pedophiles get rid of it. Well, we're not I don't know if the odds Jesus Christ
My focus is more on autism as a disease. Your problem is autistic people. Yeah fucking shit
Is autistic people Yeah
Fucking shit up
For the rest of us
No it's not the same
It's not the exact same
Problem
I will say though
Yeah it seems people are
Confused by autistic people
And maybe do give them
Too much leeway
And you gotta be like
Hey this guy's just
Fucking weird
You know
We don't gotta bend over
Backwards for
Yeah like Chris the Kiwi
Yeah you don't gotta
He says
He always says
Well it's cause I'm autistic
And you know
You can't use that as a shield
Yeah, that's not reasonable
Now, you'll hate this stat, Dick
Okay
Boys are four times more likely
To be diagnosed with autism
Than girls
So
This is affecting our young boys
And
And
All boys
Do they get better parking?
With the handicapped
I don't know
Can you get a handicapped sticker
If you're autism?
I don't know They would know I don't think so i know everything it's not they know they never know
anything good it's just like trains and world war ii it is funny that you bring that up because
again like even the research says individuals on the autism spectrum will obsess over certain
topics like airplanes or trains worthless and it's very hard for them to engage in any sort of conversation.
It must be something about, like, the technical aspect of it.
Trains?
Yeah.
It's Sonic.
Well, I think it's, like, stats they get excited about.
Oh, yeah?
Well, like, how big a train is, what tonnage,
and how much it can haul,
and how much coal's getting shoveled in the back of the fucking thing. I don't have coal engines anymore,
but you know what I'm talking about.
Yeah.
Did you ever watch The Onion?
The Onion's best thing there,
well, one of their best things
was the autistic reporter,
like Michael something or whatever,
and he'd go out and he'd go,
I'm here at the site of a,
someone was murdered by a train.
The train hit a man.
The train was this big and
he's like talking to the conductor and the conductor's like yeah it's just hard you know
like somebody gets on the tracks and he goes what kind of train is it how big was the train yeah how
fast was the train moving and i'm like that's pretty good because they are like that they're
very obsessive on one thing now but nothing good nothing. Nothing good, no. They, they, I don't know what it is.
They'll like focus in on one thing.
You ever see an autistic kid in like a restaurant watching the same YouTube video over and over again?
Oh, that's autistic?
Yeah.
Yeah.
No, I have an autistic half-brother.
He's a little piece of shit.
And he would just get hyper.
Keep him off the internet.
He's non-verbal
So he could not type
Oh no
Oh it's the worst
Okay
He's one of the ones
Who's probably gonna be
In the home care
For his entire life
Okay
But he would just get
Like a little iPad
That was the only way
To shut him up
Was to go like
Here's the wiggles
And he would just
All he knew how to do
Was rewind to the same
20 second portion
Of one stupid song
And the wiggles going
Where are the fucking wiggles The wiggles And he'd go Back where are the fucking wiggles the way goes and you go back where the fucking way goes over and over
and you're like what is in his fucking head that that's like comforting it's
crazy there you know how mr. girls me tooing destiny yeah well I don't know if
me tooing is I don't yeah if me too-ing is... I don't... Yeah, go ahead.
What do you think is going to happen with that?
What do I think about Mr. Girl me too-ing?
What do you think is going to happen with that?
No, I don't think anything will happen.
That's the thing.
I don't think Destiny's in any...
And Mr. Girl has basically said he's like,
I'm not trying to de-platform Destiny
because I don't think...
Trying to de-platform that pussy
is what he's trying to do.
He said...
Can't be doing that.
Mr. Girl was approached by
these women who said because he he had a falling out with destiny he said to destiny i think you're
kind of abusive the way you treat the people around you and uh i just don't want to be a part
of it anymore well whatever he said i still like you and i'm still interested in you but i don't
want to appear on your show anymore because i feel like it's toxic for me for a number of reasons.
You need to say that's bitch behavior or whatever else.
But yeah, that's his choice as a grown individual.
It's a lot of wordy.
Sure.
I don't say it like Zia.
But then, you know, he made it known that the reason he was leaving Destiny's community
was because he felt like it was abusive.
And then these women come and they go, well, if you think it is abusive, I have a story for you.
These women are like, attention?
What? Yeah. They're are like, attention? What?
Yeah.
They're like meerkats.
What?
Attention?
Where?
Where's some attention?
Oh, there it is.
They go to him and they go, I was abused by Destiny because he's like an empathic individual.
Over and over and over.
Getting abused, bitch.
He feels like he has to Do something on their behalf
Yeah
When it's possible
And I told him
I'm like
Listen these bitches
Like
They're playing you
I don't know if they're playing him
But they're all
They're playing themselves
Like now they've all turned back
And they went
Oh Mr. Girl
Tricked me into giving him
Screenshots of Destiny
Sexting with me
And I'm like
You went to him! Nope.
And now it's a whole thing. Yeah.
Um, I forget why I mentioned
that. Yeah, it has nothing to do with autism.
No, it had to do with autism. That he's autistic or
No. Destiny's autistic. Fuck, I forget now.
Well, sorry.
Somebody's. It was related. Someone's behaving
autistically. What were you saying?
I was saying that
one problem going on is that we're trying to solve autism and these guys keep showing up and going What were you saying? These neurodiversity advocates want greater acceptance of autistic behaviors,
saying that it should be accepted as a natural expression of the human genome.
The common criticism for these people is that you self-diagnose yourself or you're a high-functioning autistic person
and have no idea the struggles of having a half-brother
who will shit in his pants for the rest of his life.
So shut up. You don't
know. Oh, man, that
kid ruined my family. I hate to say it.
Like, oh.
It seems like it would.
Yes. Trying to take care
of, like, a non-verbal
like, needs
constant home care.
And you're like, I want to go out, but I
literally can't
Because this thing
This kid will die
You know
Without someone here
To monitor it
Either that or
I'll shit in his hands
And spread it all over the walls
It was just like
I was like
This is torturous
I tried to
I was like
Just put the kid in a home
And they're like
No I can't
God will be mad at me
Oh no really
Yeah there was some of that
Oh wow
There was always the God is punishing me
With this child
And I was like dad
Yeah shit like that
Did he nail himself to your brother?
But as someone who has witnessed
Autism is a huge problem
I mean I feel bad for these kids
You know and
We gotta figure out like why are there so many
Why cause it is causing trouble
And we can't
It's also like man we got a good solution for this
Yeah
Well I don't wanna have an
Throw mama from the train
You know they love trains
So let's get them out there in one big train
We'll fix everybody's
problem. We could have a very respectful
like Soylent Green
type ceremony.
People are very uncomfortable with that.
Yeah they really are. Even like if they can detect
it in the womb. Yeah they don't even
want you to abort them or anything.
They're like he's gonna have no
quality of life. Yeah.
What about you?
Yeah, don't you wanna have Do you wanna spend
I mean, there's always those mothers who like
Did you ever see the mom who gave birth to like
A kid that had no brain
It was just basically a brain stem
No, it's like
There was enough there for it to like breathe
And be like
Have a tube shoved down its throat
To keep it alive
Yeah
It's like, it's my little miracle baby
And you're like, there's nothing there
You both should be killed, honestly.
Like, that's fucking, that is not a human.
And you are kind of freaking me out.
Kind of sick in the head.
Something's wrong.
I trust murderers more than you.
At least I understand where they're coming from.
Now, look, I don't want to argue for eugenics or whatever else.
That's eugenics.
I kind of want to argue for eugenics.
Well, it's not eugenics because you can't, like, get rid of it.
It's just like a severe
mutation.
It's a problem
that we can't fix.
We're not civilized enough to fix it and we're
too civilized to get rid of it. There are high
functioning autistic people who, you know,
it's fine. Go rape your mom or whatever.
You know, Chris Chan,
of course. That ended
badly as well. was hilarious Not hilarious
Really bad situation
People are still selling those medallions though
I know
I kind of
Yeah
That's the funny thing
Somebody posted like a fan art of Chris Chan
Yeah
And some kids were like
Younger people were like
I don't understand
He's a rapist
Why would you post this
Cause it's funny
Yeah it's funny
Awesome
We're memeing
We think that shit's funny
What are you
talking about fortnight so we know autism leads to parental rape we know it leads to uh fixation
with trains i guess if you're autistic like it's just a woman yeah right does it still have some
kind of like negative pheromone effect on you i have no idea i don't know it's a big problem and
uh and they've ruined the internet Yes
Autistic people have
Totally ruined the internet
Just filling it with like
Wiki
Like a million Wikipedias
About Sonic the Hedgehog
And every appearance he made
And
The people who are like
I'm kinda autistic
Like the people online
The self diagnosis
Yeah
Or even if they've been diagnosed
But they're like
They can function normally sometimes
But they'll pretend to be way more autistic
Yeah
And blame everything they do on it
When they slide into
Like narcissism
And whatever
Yeah
Kind of fucking
Things
Annoying things they're doing
And they're like
I'm just fucking
Like
Oh I didn't take a shower today
Because I'm so autistic
Like nah man
Isn't that cute and fun
Yeah they like try to.
They like fetishize it in a weird way.
Fetishization of autism.
Yeah.
Maybe that's a different problem.
That's a different problem.
It all starts here.
Maybe I went too broad, but autism is a problem, guys.
We got to get rid of it.
Vote it up.
My problem is people who don't use the turn lane.
Yeah. The turning lane. use the turn lane. Yeah.
The turning lane.
When turning.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Even when driving.
If you pull in and just go for a mile and a half, I'm not going to hold it against you.
No one was using that lane.
But the people who, this happens to me all the time because I go to Pilates.
Yeah.
It's full of women. Tiny little parking lot.
Yes.
They're all balancing a
cell phone that they
haven't looked at in an
hour.
A big old coffee.
I was going to say,
they always have that
coffee for some reason.
In their Porsche Cayenne
Can women drive without
a big iced coffee?
Is that possible?
Well, they can't drive.
Yeah, so they can't.
No one.
Science.
It's like a Tootsie Pop.
No one will ever know know I do have to say
That when I went
To Vegas
And I'm talking
With all these women
I go well I do that podcast
With Dick
And some were like
Yeah I tried listening to it
It's a
It's a little much
I'm like yeah
We
We kind of go at you guys
A bit hard
I'll admit
We love our female listeners
Of course we do.
You know how to drive, probably.
Yeah, like Destiny loves his female listeners.
Yeah, well, he's having sex with all of them.
So I go, I pull in every time, like clockwork.
Yeah, professional.
In the turn lane.
In the turn lane.
In the turn lane.
You pull outside.
If there's any women listening to this,
that's the lane that has yellow on both sides that nobody's ever using.
And you're like, why is no one ever using?
Why?
Why would they make this lane?
Maybe it's for fire engines.
I don't know.
It's actually for you to pull into and slow down to turn into the left.
You're talking about the middle turn lane.
The middle turn lane.
Between two, Between two regular lanes
And I get in that lane and I sit
And every fucking time
Some chick in any of those cars
That I mentioned
Will sit there and just wait
And they'll wait and they'll wait
And I'll say bitch
You gotta go for it
You got a whole universe
You got a fucking empty You got a fucking empty
You got miles of open space in front of you
But there's a car like two miles down the way
I can see it's headlights
You got nothing over there
Go in the turn
Go in the fucking turn
One guy coming
You get in the turn lane first
And then you start looking
That's my problem problem is and this relates
to it is drivers who don't realize that there are other human beings driving the cars oh yeah so if
you pull out and turn even if you're like off by a little bit the other car will go oh well there's
a car clearly in front of me and we'll slow down a little bit to allow you to complete the like no
that thing's just gonna
Keep traveling
At the exact same rate
Of speed
And there's no possible way
Every time
I see what they're doing
And I think they're just
Gonna turn straight into the
They're gonna turn straight
Into the road aren't they
Yeah
Every time
And every time
Both
And it's like a
You know
Like a solar eclipse
That both of the lanes
Will stop going Yeah Cause there's all kinds of There's a Whole you know, like a solar eclipse that both of the lanes will stop going.
Yeah.
Because there's all kinds of women.
There's Whole Foods there.
There's a Target.
There's all kinds of stuff for women to do.
It's all the ladies stuff.
Yeah.
Every time they go all the way across, they cut through that turn lane like it doesn't even exist.
Like it's a phantom zone and they're trying to get out of it.
Whoop.
Sometimes they'll go all the way into the fucking far right lane,
which is the only lane they feel safe in.
Yeah.
These ladies are not driving.
But it's the turn lane.
People who don't use...
Some men.
I'm sure there are men who don't use it.
Yeah.
They're probably doing it like out of spite.
We don't have to say it's a women-only problem.
We can be fair in our assessment.
Probably one out of a hundred men.
Do you see this problem in your life?
Driving around? Yeah.
Well, I'm in a very Chinese neighborhood.
I don't know if that relates to it in any way, but
strangely...
That's where the women-driving gene comes
from, actually. The Chinese.
Genghis Khan couldn't drive
for shit. You're on a 23andMe.
It's like, wow, I'm 10%. Can't drive. Korean, can you? That would be so shit You're on a 23andMe It's like wow I'm 10%
Can't drive
Korean
Can you
10% can't drive
That would be so great
If I'm the 23andMe
It's just like
Listen we don't know
What Asian you are
So we just put
Can't drive
Can't drive
Yeah
It's one of your
You might experience
Issues
Yeah
This is what
This is what they're gonna play
When I'm not allowed
To be an SNL writer
SNL
My anti-Asian hate.
Yeah, I don't want to write for SNL.
You're a little old to be dreaming of SNL dreams.
How old was what's-his-name?
Who?
It's the guy who got the job and then Shane Gillis.
How old is he?
He's probably in his 30s.
30?
Yeah.
What are you?
They hire older guys.
Hold on.
Let's see.
What, do you have a packet that you're going to send them? No, no I'm not trying but I had a buddy who sent in a packet
No, I don't want us. I don't know if I want to say was it good. Did you read it read his packets?
I don't know
Shane gills is 34 so he was the exact he was born the same year as me
Yeah, but he was already trying to get like four years ago, yeah. Yeah, you're like not even close.
I'm not trying to get hired on SNL.
What do you want to get hired to do?
Well, I do want to do, I'm going to get a TV show at some point.
That's happening.
You got to write it.
The Super Killer animated series is going to happen, folks.
When's that coming out?
Well, actually the artist, his schedule is finally freed up,
so we're going to turbo through it.
What does that mean?
He got a bunch of work, and I was like, yeah, you know, get it done, whatever.
You know what we should do?
Instead of doing a comic book, you should write the script,
and we should do it with those faces, with the cutouts.
Like, oh, super killer!
Hey, I'm Batman!
I'm not Batman, I mean!
Come over here, and you're like, I'm here to utilize
fucking Ipsom character with the thing on his wiener.
Whatever, I will kill you.
That's Clutch Cargo did that.
I'm throwing money at you.
That's my, I got a van with all this money from Simpson it.
I'll throw it at you.
Synchrovox was what they called that technology.
That needs to come back.
They were like, how do we make cartoons as cheap as possible?
And it was like, well, just put the mouth of the guy.
But they had to draw the faces all huge so the mouth would fit on them.
So Clutch Cargo had a giant face.
Okay, that's my problem.
People who don't use the people.
People who don't use the people.
Same gender, non-specific.
People don't people.
Gender non-specific.
Well, my problem, Dick, is I stole this term, but it seems to make sense.
The Sundance to Spandex pipeline.
Maybe that's a little stupid.
But the real problem is. Like a New Yorker.
Yeah, I know.
I think it was from New York.
Where'd you steal it from?
It was probably...
I think it was the Washington Post.
Gay Quarterly Magazine.
All right, well, I'll give it a different name then.
No, it's good.
It's indie directors getting forced to make cape shit.
Now, I went to see Black Panther 2.
I will not spoil it.
Oh, where'd you see it?
Englewood?
I saw it at the Burbank AMC 16.
You should have gone to a...
It was...
Enfranchised area
I got free tickets though
I went to the premiere
Oh wow
Yeah
Well a buddy gave them to me
So it's not like I got invited
But uh
I might
I'm gonna get on those lists
I think
I wanna get on the lists
Where you see the free movies
And you talk about them
It sounded like you got
The tickets at first
It did sound
It was exciting
Somebody gave them to you
Yeah well he said I could use his outlet's name and apply for stuff.
So it was this guy.
What do you call it?
Nerd Report.
He runs a site, Nuke the Fridge, which used to be popular.
Indiana Jones.
I don't know how popular it is.
Yeah.
It's a good name for a website.
Anyway, I saw Black Panther 2.
It's not like a perfect movie.
But the thing is, there are parts in it that are really good.
And they're the parts that are like kind of like a cool indie filmmaker clearly took these parts of the movie seriously.
Yeah.
And then he gets to the big CGI action sequence and goes, honestly, this is dog shit and I don't care.
Do whatever you want.
I was like, wow, all those like indie like film moments.
Honestly, I was like, I forgot that movies could be good.
Because I've just been watching Marvel and Star Wars trash for the longest time.
And being like, I don't have time for any real movies.
I think actually your job is depressing you.
Yes.
Because I don't watch any of that shit.
And it's horrible.
I really hate it.
It's terrible.
It was the weird thing about watching Black Panther.
I went, oh man, movies can be awesome.
There were some great shots and acting and cinematography. Was it a about watching Black Panther. I went, oh, man, movies can be, like, awesome. Like, there were some great shots and, like, acting and cinematography.
Was it a lady was Black Panther?
The lady becomes Black Panther.
But she's an excellent, she was, like, an excellent actress.
I was actually, shut up.
Whatever.
It was good.
And then I remembered, well, yeah, because Ryan Coogler was, like, you know, an award-winning indie filmmaker.
He made Fruitvale Station.
Yeah. About the shooting at the made Fruitvale Station. Yeah.
About the shooting at the SF BART station.
Oh.
I think that shooting actually happened.
Yeah.
There's a station in-
Town in Oakland called, yeah, Fruitvale.
In San Francisco called Fruitvale?
It's in Oakland.
What were they shooting at that station?
No, it's, trust me.
On guys' mouths?
All of Oakland is ghetto.
There's no gay people there just people
of a certain demographic okay they're gays too i remember i was living in oakland when that
shooting happened but anyway uh oakland's a shithole yeah sorry ryan coogler i know you
love putting it in your movies and romanticizing it but it is a shithole but anyway they take these
guys they've done they do this constantly, where they
take guys who direct, like, these
award-winning indie films, and they
don't go to them, they go, well, what crazy ideas do they
have? They go, you're making Superman.
It's like, well, I don't know if I want to, it's like,
you are... Why do they do that, though? It's, I don't know,
because I guess they're... Just give it to a,
give it to an AI. Well, what's happened? Like, this
AI made Black Panther 2. It probably
would have, yeah, that's all you want
At this point
Wakanda's now
Wakanda
And then like
The quartering comes out
And he's like
I fucking hate you
Fuck this shit
Yeah
Like we hate the quartering
I think
Well what happens is
There was like
That famous period
In Hollywood
Where a bunch of young
Hungry guys
Showed up all at once
It was like
George Lucas
Steven Spielberg
Oh yeah Francis Ford Coppola Whatever They all showed up In at once. It was like George Lucas, Steven Spielberg, Francis Ford Coppola, whatever.
They all showed up in like the same stretch of years.
And Hollywood has been trying to replicate that period of success.
And that's like what Kathleen Kennedy was doing with Star Wars.
She's going, Ryan Johnson, you're like weird and quirky.
Why don't you make Star Wars?
That's why they were doing that? Yeah because she's
She grew up with you know she was
It seems like such a waste and like
You're fucking that guy up forever
Yes like you're it's like that guy
That filled in for like
Ringo Starr for like a week
When he was sick it's like well that guy's life's ruined
Forever he could never be
You're talking about the guy
Before Ringo Starr took over?
No, no, no, Pete Best, not Pete Best There was a guy that filled in for Ringo on a tour
Because Ringo got sick
And it was like two weeks or a week where he was a beetle basically
And then there's like a picture of him at the airport going home
And just being like, that's it
Yeah, his life's over
You can never
What do you even dream of?
I saw the eyes of God
Like I'm not really doing space anymore.
I don't care.
I had a couple names.
Taika Waititi, who directed What We Do in the Shadows,
and then gets stuck directing multiple Thor movies.
And then he got yelled at for banging two chicks.
Yeah, well, that makes no sense.
He should be allowed to bang two chicks.
Everyone should.
Chloe Zhao, who directed the Oscar-winning Nomadland,
goes on to make Eternals, which was dog shit.
Are they just hamstringing these people so they can't make good movies?
I think what it is is they're just desperate to find people
who can make these franchises work.
They want to breed The next Steven Spielberg
And get them young
So they're shackled to the studio forever
Yeah
Like Kanye's saying
Yeah so like Christopher Nolan
Is like forever shackled to Warner Brothers
They want to own
These good directors
So they grab them
And like entice them
With promises of giant piles of dollars
But then these guys just go like Well I want to like make personal films as well.
And they're like, no, make dog shit and make millions of dollars.
And these guys go, well, millions of dollars is pretty great.
I'll just do it once.
Yeah, I'll just do it once.
And then they're like, well, then they get like the big mansion and whatever else.
And they're like, fuck introspective journeys and shit.
I just want to make trash.
I didn't even realize this.
The guy who made Moonlight,
remember Moonlight
were on Best Picture?
It's about like a gay black kid
like discovering.
I didn't watch it,
I watched that twice.
Oh yeah.
That guy's making Lion King 2,
the like CGI Lion King.
It's all crap.
Yeah, I mean,
imagine if Spielberg
wasn't allowed to like come up with all his new franchises. With Jaws. Jaws all crap. Yeah, I mean, imagine if Spielberg wasn't allowed to come up with all
his new franchises. With Jaws. Jaws,
E.T., all this new shit.
And they're like, you're making Spider-Man
forever. No, he'd have been
making Gunsmoke 3.
Yeah, exactly. If he was just making...
It would have been cowboy movies and shit.
Good, Bad, and the Ugly 12.
Good, Bad, Ugly.
Good, Bad, and Ugly 12. 12. Good, bad, ugly. We can take this.
Good, bad, and ugly.
Drunk.
Uglier, drunk.
Yeah.
This whole franchise system that never ends.
It used to be like movies would end, and now you can just grab a guy.
Christopher Nolan should not have made three Batman movies.
It should have been like-
They were all dog shit.
Yeah, they're all not great.
It was just dumb.
Yes.
But Inception was good.
And that movie with gravity Like black holes and stuff
That was good
Yeah well that's the thing
Except for that thing
With the books
And the stuff
I still
I like it all
That's the thing
Is like they do promise them that
They're like
You're gonna be like
A Christopher Nolan
Where after you make us
A billion with the Batman movies
Then we're gonna let you off
The hook
But I don't think
They're gonna let these guys off the hook.
So you're saying we're missing out on good content.
Yes, we could be having really, like, as I said, I watched Black Panther,
and somebody else said, they're like,
if you got rid of all the superhero garbage in this movie,
it would be infinitely better.
I'm like, yeah, because this guy should just be directing good movies.
But movies are dog shit, because anybody who's good at making movies,
they snatch them up and go, you to make ten jurassic world sequels, and they're like well
Okay
See they take the guys like Sam Hyde
Kanye yeah, okay, well smush them down
Those are probably those are the some of the greatest black white, probably the two greatest creators of our generation.
Sam Hyde should make a movie.
But he should be, he should have like infinity money.
Yeah.
To spend on whatever.
Yeah.
You know?
Imagine a whole movie where he's just like threatening Hasan Piker to kill him.
I mean, he should be.
And global.
He should be making that documentary.
And it's that.
Chasing him around the globe.
Yeah.
And it's just direct, like a guy that looks exactly like him.
And it's his house, like a replica of his house.
Yeah.
Anyway, if you're one of these guys who like constantly pines, you're like, why is Hollywood out of ideas or whatever?
This is the reason.
You used to be like, George Lucas used to be able to go, I want to make Star Wars.
It's a weird, you know, Buck Rogers throwback. And they're like, yeah,
well, you made American Graffiti, you know what you're doing.
And even American Graffiti was not like a...
It was still an original idea.
They let these guys make original ideas
right out of film school. I think there's an element
of, um,
of, uh, like, protecting, of sabotaging
their creative voices, too.
Yeah. More than, probably
more than they even know.
Like,
I bet it's explicit
when they're talking about it.
Well,
we got to tie this guy up
or else he's going to go
do something amazing
so let's just give him,
you know,
Yeah,
and then people will not
want to watch Marvel movies anymore
because they'll remember,
they'll be like,
wait,
but this movie's good.
Yeah.
Wait,
again,
I forgot how good movies
could be.
No matter what.
Like,
don't watch this trash no matter what.
That's the most depressing part about Marvel movies to me.
Is, like, no matter what, people will watch it.
Kids will watch it.
That's the thing.
People assume I love Marvel movies.
I've skipped so many Marvel movies.
I only watch the ones that I think I can, like, review and get, you know, a little bit of that ad money or whatever.
A little bit of that money back.
Maybe I can go, oh, it's these fucking.
It's woke. There's too many black people. The good black of that money back. Maybe I can go, oh, it's these fucking... It's woke.
There's too many black people.
There's a good black people in this movie.
It's so woke.
This is the wokest movie yet.
Ten wokes on the woke-ometer.
I turned black while I was watching this movie.
Woke was a good...
See, like, these terms are good.
Woke was a good term
until they changed it to mean, like,
literally anything.
The woke term got too woke.
It got too woke.
They crammed too much woke in the woke term.
Now it's bogus.
Well, now like in Black Panther, it's like, you know, Namor is like, hey, you know, we're
a bunch of brown people and I'm a descendant of the Mayans and we were colonized or whatever.
And they go, oh, that's woke.
He's talking about slavery.
It's woke.
Well, that's an actual thing that happened.
They're connecting it to real.
I know. It's exhausting! Well, that's an actual thing that happened. They're connecting it to real... I know, it's exhausting.
He should have said...
I came out of nowhere
and I have no backstory
connecting to any real thing
that ever happened in history.
and I...
The wokeness...
There is a scourge of wokeness
attacking my undersea men.
Yeah.
My seamen are getting poisoned
by wokeness
and George Soros
is responsible for it,
so we're gonna
Rise up
Out of the ocean
No
Not like
No
No
Don't you think
I just wanna see
Woke man
Like anti-woke man
So bad
Yeah anti-woke man
He should have a
Clan hood
And shotgun people
In the face
For being different
From him
Sure
My problem is
Indie directors
Getting stuck
Making
Franchise Trash That's a good problem I thought it was dumb But then you convinced me Sure. My problem is indie directors getting stuck making franchise trash.
It's a good problem.
I thought it was dumb, but then you convinced me.
Yeah, I mean, like, movies were, like, cool when directors could, like, get wild.
Man, you could see this shit coming from a mile away.
Yeah.
As soon as, like, video games started being cool and like mountain dew yeah red alert
as soon as this that shit started happening like iron man came out and everyone was all excited
about comic book movies like no this is these are also prime years for these you know filmmakers
when they have their best ideas when they're still spry and they can run around and get crazy camera
angles yeah you know they're not like george luc Lucas sitting in a chair for the entirety of Star Wars going,
move the camera.
You move it.
I'm too old and lazy.
What if David Lynch had been hired to do Wakanda 3 instead of Blue Velvet, right?
I think Blue Velvet sucks.
To be reasonable.
I was going to say TBF.
But he did do Dune, which was kind of like a franchise thing.
Yeah, but what if it was in his heyday?
Now it's fine. David Lynch
kind of was the original that he went
from Elephant Man, which is
extremely experimental weirdo
film, to
hey, first he got offered Star Wars
and then he turned it down to do Dune.
Did you know George Lucas wanted David
Lynch to direct Star Wars? Two?
Or one? I think it was Empire.
No, I didn't know that. He tells a great story where you gotta listen to David Lynch talk direct Star Wars? Two or one? I think it was Empire. No, I didn't know that.
Yeah, he tells a great story where you got to listen to David Lynch
talking about meeting with George Lucas.
He goes, we went to a restaurant that only had salad.
He's like, I've never, I mean, I like salad, I guess, but only salad.
I like salad, I guess, but only salad.
And then he tried to explain to me something
called a Wookie. And I said
no. Yeah, it's pretty good.
David Lynch is a fucking treasure. You want to expand
upon that? No. No.
He's in the
new Spielberg movie, too. I gotta see that
thing. The Fletchermans or some shit.
Spiegelmans.
Okay. What a show.
Yeah. We're gonna do
voicemails, but don't forget to vote on
the problems. Autism.
Altruism.
Uh, what did I say? Effective
altruism. Effective altruism.
Meaning there's something old and busted
with normal altruism. Enslaving
indie directors. Oh, that's what
you're gonna call it? That's a good one. Not the
Sundance to. No, I guess not. I still think that's, uh're Going to call it That's a good one Not the Sundance to No I guess not
I still think that's
Sundance to Spandex
Just call it
Enslaving indie directors
I think that's better
Enslaving okay
And uh
People who don't use
The turn lane
People who don't use
The turn lane
Don't forget
Vote on the problems
At biggestproblem.show
And check out
Patreon.com
Slash biggest problem
Where we are currently
Below six thousand dollars
What So I shouldn't Have even done a stinger You shouldn't have even Done a stinger Get your fucking money And check out patreon.com slash biggest problem where we are currently below $6,000. What?
So I shouldn't have even done a stinger.
You shouldn't have even done a stinger.
Get your fucking money out of your pockets, you cheap sons of bitches.
We're like $30 off.
Oh, that might as well be $100 off.
I figured I'd throw you guys a bone.
Okay.
Here we go.
You guys are fucking retarded.
Yes, we are.
All three presets are two exercises.
You do one exercise, and then you immediately do another exercise.
Yeah.
And, Vito, stop making fucking excuses.
Get off your fat ass and do something.
Oh, I have a plan.
I have a plan.
I have a plan.
I do have a plan.
Put your fucking plan in action.
Just do it.
Get off your fat ass.
Get off the mobility scooter.
I should get a mobility scooter.
It was really fun.
It was really fun to ride it.
How fast do they go?
They go pretty fast. They go at a good clip.
Really? Yeah, I had fun.
If not, if you're super fat, then they probably
No, then they weigh them down.
I don't know. I think this mobility
scooter lifestyle might be the way to go.
Maybe I should do that.
Try them out.
Don't let you use them at the Target if you want.
Or like a visor and have like a lollipop.
Yeah.
Be like.
It feels good.
I think I'm going to get addicted to the experience.
Okay.
Anyway, I don't know what a superset is and I don't care.
Fuck yourself.
Well, what do you mean It's like You do one
And then you go do another
Somebody told me
That's how I work out
I do one thing
And then do another thing
No but you have to
Like you're not allowed to rest
Between the exercises
Oh I'm sure that matters
So you immediately
Have to run over
Yeah why would that matter
Because you're building up
Lactate acid
And completely different muscles
And then I'm fucking
Not resting
While I'm working out
Over here
I'm fucking maximizing my day.
Yeah.
And then I do ayahuasca at night and I blog in my sleep.
I don't know.
I have my wrist strapped on.
Maybe it works.
I talked to a guy and he's given me some,
apparently there's a new weight loss drug that is like very effective.
Cocaine.
Yeah.
Cocaine.
I mean,
that would work.
I also did the test. I had to prick my fingers oh shit wait why do you have a prick test because i had to draw blood to
uh for the testosterone low testosterone test we're gonna see what you're doing a testosterone
test yeah they have a home one now well you really you do it at home and then you send it to them and they take a look you had to pick prick three fingers
Well, cuz you have to get enough blood to fill this fucking card out and it's like two slots and then I prick a finger
Then it would stop
Bleeding effectively so I just put another one finger. Yeah, just keep pricking that one
Well, no, cuz I because I thought that one was out of blood and then that finger
No, because I thought that one was out of blood.
That finger?
Like a cow udder?
It said do another finger once one runs out.
You look like the guy from Seven.
I filled out to a gay man.
Anyway, I put blood in the squares, but then apparently I didn't put enough blood,
so I had to do a third finger,
and I think hopefully there's enough blood on that fucking card to send it in.
To see if you have low testosterone?
To see if I have low testosterone.
And then you're going to get on the T?
You're going to do injections? If I have low testosterone.
Yeah, it's got to be.
Your ass or something?
Yeah, you've ridden the thigh, right?
I don't know.
I don't know either.
I don't have it.
But there's actually.
Are you going to do it if it says you're low?
Yeah.
There's been a listener of the show who like has been DMing me for a year going, listen,
I have low testosterone.
I had low testosterone. I had low testosterone.
I looked exactly like you.
Oh, really?
I got on this stuff and now I'm Superman.
Does he, do you have a picture?
Of the guy?
Well, yeah, he said he looks exactly like you.
I don't know.
No, I don't have a picture.
You gotta prove it.
I didn't ask for a picture.
What if he's trying to trick you into?
I don't think he's trying to trick me.
Although I am worried
because now Boogie has ass cancer from his testosterone shots.
Boogie has cancer?
He thinks he has cancer.
Where's the Islamic prayer?
No.
Oh, my God.
Where is it?
I think Boogie said, I might have cancer from taking the testosterone shots.
Yes, you might have cancer.
Oh, my God.
No, not this shit.
Come on.
I disavow.
The second pillar.
Come on, you fucking bitch.
Islamic call.
Why did you not just bookmark it?
There it is.
There it is, bad nun.
Boogie.
I disavow. Boogie is having the f There it is, Batman. Oh, Boogie. I disavow.
Boogie is having the fattest battle with cancer.
I disavow all of this.
Oh, Allah, you bless me.
I'm not doing this bit.
You bless me, Allah.
No, no.
Boogie, Boogie's asshole, Boogie has something that's eating him.
Oh.
Why did I bring this up?
Why did I mention this?
This is horrible.
Bookie, who is a cancer!
He has a cancer!
Oh my god.
You can't eat your way out of that one, Bookie!
You can't shoot your way out of that one!
This is so bad.
This is like...
Please stop.
Please stop.
I'm so sorry, Boogie.
Asshole cancer!
I disavow this bit.
How can he tell?
I don't know.
I don't know.
How can he tell that he had asshole cancer?
I don't know.
But he thinks he has cancer of the asshole
from taking testosterone shots.
Taking testosterone shots
up the ass?
I don't know.
I don't know.
But regardless.
Oh my God.
This is so bad.
This is like legitimately
this is not good at all.
Please stop.
Oh my God.
Cancer, you bitch.
All right.
All right.
All right.
You got it.
You got it.
You nailed it.
Jesus fucking Christ.
Oh my God.
Okay.
Well, hopefully he doesn't have cancer.
I don't fucking know.
Who cares?
He cares. I'm sure other people care. I don't fucking know. Who cares? He cares.
I'm sure other people care.
I don't fucking know.
No one cares.
Okay.
All right.
That's horrible.
Well, he's not nice.
I know he's not.
He's not.
Whatever.
He's all right.
He's fine.
He stole my fat watch, bitch.
He stole your bitch.
You don't got to wish cancer on the fucking guy.
I didn't wish the cancer on him.
I wish that he would get hit by a small car.
God just went a little overboard.
He's like, well, we'll just settle for cancer.
The asshole cancer is funny, though.
Whatever you want to say.
I don't think it's the worst one.
What would you rather have?
I think, isn't it pretty treatable, the asshole cancer?
They got to find his asshole.
They got to send Elon's submarine.
Yeah, the worst one's like the brain or the lungs.
Brain cancer?
No, brain cancer would be the best.
Why?
It's like, I'm out.
I'm dead.
All right, if you just want to die.
Actually, pancreatic cancer, cancer I think has the lowest survival rate
Doesn't it?
Probably I don't know
Bring in cancer
Well not if he has it
I can't
Because now it's a solution
Fuck you Jesus Christ
Okay I shouldn't have even mentioned it
Fucking packing tape in the cut edge
You can never find it
You always split it
You are spot on Packing tape should be a top Yes You can never find it You always split it You are spot on, Jake
Packing tape should be a top 20 problem
Don't call me back
Fuck you
You know what we should do?
Biggestproblem.show
You gotta go vote up packing tape
Come on
We should have like a contest
That should be like a bar contest
Who can find the edge
Quickest
Okay, here you go
Here's your packing tape
Oh, shit, shit
Then you have to
Tape your girlfriend's mouth shut
Yeah That's whoever wins first Win 20 bar dollars Here you go Here's your back tape Like Oh shit shit Then you have to Tape your girlfriend's mouth shut Yeah
That's whoever wins first
Win 20 bar dollars
20 bar bucks
Okay
Let's see here
How about this one?
Holiday decorations
Are a huge problem
But more than that
It's the people
Who have to go
And drive out to season
Because
The streets that I live on, the one right next to it, do a fucking candy cane lane thing every year.
Oh, that sounds fun.
I work second shift.
My brother works third shift.
That sucks.
These assholes driving around.
It more than doubles the time it takes us to get to work and back.
All the traffic.
But isn't the holiday cheer worth it?
An entire fucking month out of the year.
Wow.
Wow, wow, wow, wow, wow.
Yeah, it just pisses me off.
Bullshit.
You've got ass cancer, Mr. Boogie.
Mr. Boogie.
Your ass is made Of tumors
You ain't too much you fucker
Your teeth are chickalits
Mr. Boogie
Alright that's pretty good
I wouldn't
Fuck you if you were paying me
All the money you lost in crypto
Oh my god Okay here's another one in crypto. Wa-wa-wa-wa-wa. Wa-wa-wa-wa-wa. Oh, my God.
Okay, here's another one.
One other problem
that I think is a pretty big problem.
The fact that
neighborhoods don't get together
to decide one house
as the IRS.
I think that kids
should, at a young age,
be terrified by taxes
by the fact that one house, they don't know which house it is.
If they go to that house, boom,
30% of their candy has to be immediately taken away from them.
Halloween in a truck house?
Yeah.
In the government.
No!
Give me two of your candy bars.
Boom, you take their Halloween costume.
You take the costume?
Jesus Christ.
We're not pedophiles. Pedophile
alert. I think that
neighborhoods should orchestrate one house
as the IRS to take all the candy.
Alright, we get it. How's that halfway through?
Yeah, stop with these minute and a half
voicemails. You get
30 seconds, 40 seconds. One, two,
three. Idea,
explanation, the prestige. Go fuck yourself. That's it. And get out of there. There you seconds. One, two, three. Idea, explanation, the prestige.
Go fuck yourself.
That's it.
Get out of there.
There you go.
Okay, last one.
Hey, first time caller.
This message is for Vito.
Of course it fucking is.
Don't listen to any of these idiots about weight loss, about getting in shape.
Yeah.
Well, dude, you got to focus on protein.
Focus on getting as much protein as possible
Focus on lifting weights
Lifting the dish
I'm gonna eat pizza every day
Fuck you guys
That's fine
I eat pizza a lot
Yeah
That's true
As long as you
You gotta eat protein
To curb your hunger
Yeah
And then work out
I know
I know protein
What do you mean you know protein
I said on the last show
I'm eating more fish
Fish I like fish Fish?
I like fish
Fish doesn't have like a
What do you mean you eat a lot of fish?
Fish is a protein source
It's like equal to chicken
You gotta eat like protein powder
Eggs? No
Protein powder is if you're like lifting like crazy
Well no cause protein makes you not hungry
Isn't protein powder
Have a shit ton of calories
Or am I crazy
Not a shit ton
It has calories
But it also
Makes you not
You think it's
Say it's hungry
I know it's
Say it's hungry
I can do the weight loss
Replacement shakes
Those are fun
Mmm
I don't think they
Fill you up as good though
You gotta work out though
I know I'm working out
Man I woke up today
Hungover More hungover.
More hungover than you should be allowed to wake up.
You got all this space.
I don't have any space.
I work out in a less...
I work out in about this much room.
You have a little garage gym.
Well, what do you want to do?
You want to do some curls?
Oh, my God.
Is every show going to be about me exercising now?
Yeah, Vito, because no one wants you to die.
I want to die, though.
That's what you guys don't understand.
Not of being fat.
Why not?
Who cares?
Because you're not gonna be able to fucking walk.
Do you like walking?
No.
If you wanna walk in your 60s and 70s.
I'm not getting to that point.
I'm gonna die in my 40s.
Okay.
There's gonna be sex robots.
Of comodity.
Yeah, okay.
There's gonna be sex robots coming out.
I'm gonna be fucking smacking the ass of the sex robots, and you're gonna be stuck in your fucking scooter with a be sex robots. Of comodity. Yeah, okay. There's going to be sex robots coming out. I'm going to be fucking smacking the ass of the sex robots,
and you're going to be stuck in your fucking scooter with a fat sex robot.
If I miss out on holodeck sex, I will be sad.
Yeah, you will.
But I don't think we're getting it in the next 40 years.
I think I'm going to turn 90.
My dick's not going to work anymore.
And the holodeck sex will come out right then just to piss me off.
Just to be like, you could have had it all.
You could have had it all. But you had it all you got nothing at all okay well what a show we're gonna do some super chants
here all right let me load them up and of course my reminder to vote up the problems i want i want
because i look at the problems it's like the early shows for some reason got like a lot of votes
well because they've been up there long yeah I guess cuz the longer a problem is up there
But you guys gotta vote. We gotta find some way to get
Like new like so internet celebrities to come plug the show and give their opinion on what's the worst like?
destinies
DMing and take in like using his power differential. Yeah on all these girls
Maybe that some of these girls could get him to figure out what's the worst problem.
Why don't we bring on one of the girls?
She could talk about fucking Destiny.
Not bring on.
Probably not.
But like everybody in the audience should go ask Destiny this week,
what is the biggest problem that we have?
And give him the four.
What is the biggest problem of these four?
And say, Destiny, what is the biggest problem Of these four And say Destiny What is the biggest problem Of these four problems
Please keep bothering Notch
I want to get Notch
On the show
You do?
I think he would do it
I think Notch
Sits alone
In his LA mansion
And I think he's sad
And I think if he came in
And found
Like some dudes
I think you guys
Are like the same guy
Yeah I think
I think well
He's a little more racist But I think that if he came in and he found some buddies he could hang out with and like
yeah you know uses billions of dollars to buy us gifts and fun toys I don't buy it I don't want
a gift I want some gifts from that what do you want I don't know like a like a just want some
free money I want a sweet mobility scooter
My dead friend Sarah fucked it up cuz she went to notches mansion and I'm like did you invite you?
And then she killed herself the ultimate fuck you and I said well that relationships dead. Yeah, I'd always I'd always rip on her
I'm like, how did you not blow notch? She's like, I don't know it didn't come up
I'm like if you'd blown you could do whatever you want.
Yeah,
you could have took like half his money.
That was your chance.
Steal City Hall.
Exactly.
Could have been like Jeff Bezos' wife
and took half the Minecraft,
half the Minecraft money.
The good half too
because everyone hates Notch now.
No wonder she killed herself
because I think she regretted that.
RIP Sarah.
You were great.
I like the super chat from last week from Who Are These Podcasts.
Says, no one misses Vito.
Hey, Carl, fuck you.
Carl has a $10,000 Patreon.
He's giving two bucks for that joke.
You know what, Carl?
I keep seeing the guests you bring on, and I see all the comments going, that guy sucks.
I think you got to bring Vito back in.
Have you not been back on since you blew him off?
No, I've been back on once, and I think it was a great show.
Did Chrissy Mayer come on in a fat suit and pretend to be?
Fucking Chrissy Mayer, man.
I forget.
No, I guess they weren't talking shit about me again, but he has her on,
and then the audience goes, it's another Chrissy Mayer episode.
And I'm like, yeah, should have bet on, should have bet on Italian.
Should have brought in the veto.
Does her husband go in and bully everybody who says that?
That guy is the fucking.
Hey, hey, hey, she's funny.
She's funny.
She's funny.
That guy's weird, man.
That Frank Rossitano or whatever his fucking name is.
Pellegrino.
Pellegrino.
Is that his name?
Yeah he's
He's very aggressive
He's very
He's not a happy guy
He's cool
I love that guy
Yeah he's the best
Let's get Chrissy Mayer on this show
Chrissy Mayer
I want to bury the hatchet
I'd be happy to have you on
Yeah
And let's
Let's do it
What if she was in studio?
You can call me a pedophile
Or whatever
You know
You can accuse me of pedophile or whatever.
You can accuse me of not being a real comedian and using comedy to secretly advance my leftist agenda, whatever else.
And, you know, I'll call you a dumb whore and then we'll have fun.
It'll be fun.
And then she called me a pedophile.
Come on.
Yeah, but yours is closer to the truth. Yeah.
That mine is closer to the truth. Yeah, that's's over the line Yours is closer to the truth Yeah That mine is closer to the truth
Yeah, that's why it's worse
I thought you'd actually come in with a lot more political problems this week
Yeah, well, maybe next week we'll get in there
Because you guys got that retard into the Senate
Federman
Wait, what's his name?
Federman?
Yeah
Well, you were going to get Dr. Oz in
Trump fucked up
Trump fucked up
No, Trump didn't fuck up
You're still pro-Trump? Everybody's turning on fucked up. No, Trump didn't fuck up.
Are you still pro-Trump?
Everybody's turning on him.
No, everybody, a bunch of fucking assholes are turning on him.
Ben Shapiro's riding him.
But Ben Shapiro always hated Trump. Ben Shapiro can ride a dreidel straight to hell.
He can ride these nuts into his sister's tits, and I will come to him.
Some of the people turning on him.
I don't know.
It's interesting.
I think he's going to split that party in two.
I think he'll run as an independent.
That'd be great.
It'd be hilarious.
And then you're going to get more Biden.
Justin Martinez donated on the last episode.
Mike Hunt for five.
It's been over a year since the Netflix walkout.
How's the brain damage?
Dick is still.
I don't remember.
I don't know what he was talking about.
Koo for two. Thank you all for not killing yourselves.
Eh, I'm getting there.
Ginormous Uber driver.
Hey, guys, it's me, Josh Dye.
Oh, yeah.
So there's a bunch of, like...
People were mad that you guys didn't read, like...
I didn't read them.
But they were, like, Red Bar trolls.
I don't even get this Red Bar shit.
I just...
If you come in, like...
I just...
In my stomach, I don't like attention seekers.
Yeah. So if you're... If I just in my stomach. I don't like attention seekers. Yeah, so if you
I can tell you're coming in to ruin to make the guests feel bad. Yeah, it's not
Paid so I'm like yeah I mean
I'm just not doing it like I if there was a super chat that I like which just like be horrible
I would just not read it. Yeah, I don't need you know $2 that badly
It's not it's not in fun.
The show is meant to be fun, not to make the guest feel like a piece of shit.
I don't even think it would make him feel like a piece of shit.
It just annoys me that it's like, oh, Josh Denny drives an Uber.
Like, yeah, I don't care.
He doesn't care.
A lot of comedians drive Ubers, guys.
A lot of people drive Ubers.
Yeah.
It's a good job, honestly.
I don't think it's a good job Honestly I don't think it's
I mean
It just annoys me
That it's like
Over and over
And over
And Uber Uber
It's like yeah
Whatever you're doing
I hate this
I hate it
It's a really good
Side hustle
I don't know why
People come down on it
Because it sucks
Driving people
You just drive around
And you get paid
That's great
I want to drive DoorDash And like take a little bit Of everybody's food And then at the end of the night Because it sucks. Well, driving people, you just drive around and you get paid. That's great.
I want to drive DoorDash and like take a little bit of everybody's food.
And then at the end of the night, I'll have this platter. That's how Boogie got ass cancer.
Well, he refuses to drive DoorDash.
You got your own charcuterie?
Yeah.
I want my own charcuterie of like one mozzarella stick, half a slice of pizza, one chicken wing.
I don't know.
Maybe I should have read their thing, but it just fucking annoys me when people like the same joke over and over.
It's not even a fucking joke. I don't know. If you guys are really butth it just fucking annoys me When people like the same joke Over and over It's not even a fucking joke I don't know
If you guys are really
Butthurt about it
Let us know
No kill yourself
If you're really butthurt
About it kill yourself
Get over it
Horse McGee for two
Nice Street Fighter hat Vito
See me in that game anytime
I gotta get the new one
Cullen Care
I played all the old ones
Third Strike
And uh
I loved Street Fighter Alpha
Cullen Care for five
This week i learned veto
used to be skinny before skyrim was released get on that bike free the skinny veto that has been
buried by todd howard did you see my skyrim picture on twitter no let's see it uh 11 years
ago i went to the premiere of skyrim wow and. And, uh,
yeah, that's how, that game is ancient now.
I was like, that's how old I am
since I was at the Skyrim premiere.
Hit photos.
The photos tab. What do you mean hit photos?
Go back. Oh, you hit media now.
Well, that'll make it easier to find.
A giant dick? That's what you're showing me?
That's Mr. Girl's dick.
You're showing me Mr. Girl jacking off?
What if I had this pulled up on the fucking
thing? Well, you didn't.
Because I know that there's always some horse shit like
this. This is what you're showing me, Mr.
Girl. Dame Pesos.
Okay, hold on. I'll tell you this.
Why is it so pointy?
Some dicks are pointy.
Dame Pesos posted today, because everyone's
mad at Mr. Girl.
He went, breaking news, Mr. Girl has a Pornhub account.
You posted his dick twice.
Well, because Dame Pesos posted this really shitty picture of Mr. Girl that made it look like he had a tiny dick.
So I had to defend my boy and be like, he's got a pretty normal dick.
You just got a really shitty photo of him getting worked up. But you defended it twice, and you posted his dick.
This one says
to be fairly normal
dick size,
you guys.
It's a normal looking dick.
And Tommy Pesos
was trying to say
that Mr. Girl
has a tiny dick
and I felt like
it was necessary
to counter
that false narrative.
How big are his hands?
And also,
everybody knows
he has a porn hub.
He literally made
a YouTube about it.
Tommy Pesos,
it wasn't breaking news.
You're an idiot.
I mean,
that just seems like,
why are you posting, why are you taking screenshots of Mr. Girl's dick? Because he posted a screenshot of Mr. Dami Pesos, it wasn't breaking news. You're an idiot. I mean, that just seems like, why are you posting,
why are you taking screenshots
of Mr. Girl's dick?
Because he posted a screenshot
of Mr. Girl's dick.
Oh,
Dami Pesos did?
If you go into that thread,
Dami Pesos had posted
Mr. Girl's dick.
Well,
yeah,
but a different angle.
You went and took
your own close-up screenshot.
Because he's saying
that he has a tiny dick
and that's not fair.
He has a very normal dick.
So what did you like,
scrub through it
looking for a close-up dick shot?
Yeah,
very quickly, I went for a close up dick shot?
Yeah, very quickly I went for a nice dick shot of Mr. Girl because Dame Pesos, all these
little follower guys are going, oh, look at his tiny little Jewish dick.
I'm like, hey, that's pretty.
It looks tiny there though.
Yeah, because he's getting it ready to go.
Well.
He's a grower, not a shower.
That's fine.
A lot of guys are like that.
What do you mean?
That your dick starts like any and then it comes out.
Never heard that thing?
Yeah, but I don't buy into that dichotomy.
Like that shower grower who has a limp penis that just like gets straight.
I think some guys just have it dangling out all the time.
At the same length?
I think it's full of blood.
I mean, once it gets blood, it gets straight and it doesn't get longer at all?
Yeah, that's the shower.
It's just constantly dangling between the legs.
I don't think that's, I don't believe that.
Maybe I'm wrong.
I don't know.
I'm going to have to call that out.
I'm a girl boy.
I'm a girl boy.
I turtle.
I think that's normal.
I hide up.
But then you did a super close-up, fairly normal.
Oh, my God. Somehow you got 4K. But then you did a super close up Fairly normal Oh my god
Somehow you got 4k
Somehow Dame Pesos has like a normal screenshot
And you found a way to make
The screenshot like
The full size of the browser
That's a good looking dick
He does not have a small dick
I will not
Listen you can say whatever you want about Mr. Girl But you can't say he has a small dick I will not Listen You can say whatever you want About Mr. Girl
But
But you can't say he has a small dick
You can't say he has a small dick
That's unreasonable
Okay so why did you send me to this town?
Because you're supposed to find
The picture of me at Skyrim
Which is going to take forever to find
You'll see it
It'll be skinny Vito
There's Eric July's
Terrible art book
Oh wait
What is this?
Okay
Oh Eric July
This is a bit too.
My Twitter is pretty good.
Yeah, I know.
There's a lot of bits.
Eric July is part of his comic.
His comic was already like $50, right?
I love, I love, I love my Eric July.
Which is insane for a comic.
Yeah.
And then he goes, but I have this art book.
Art book.
What do you think of when you think of an art book?
You think of like a hardcover thing, like maybe 50 to 100 pages. Yeah. $75 for an art book You think of like a hardcover thing Like maybe 50 to 100 pages
Yeah
$75 for an art book
It ended up being a 16 page
Floppy pamphlet
Filled with like the shitty sketches
His friend made
Before like
It's 16 pages?
It's 16 pages
It's so tiny
With $2 million
He couldn't crank out another like 40 pages?
Dude he could've just put put every sketch in there,
a bunch of concept art.
How does he not have art to fill that thing?
TLDR, I'm very disappointed and feel lied to on this product.
You're supposed to put TLDR at the end of a big thing.
This is 16 pages in a booklet with a paper cover and staples,
not a concept art book.
He charged $100 for 10 trading
cards and I'm like I'm like you guys really bought in to this hype but the art book thing
legitimately I'm like dude that's fucked up to charge $75 for what people are saying is like
the pamphlet before you see a stage play you know that that tells you. It's like so. Yeah yeah yeah. Got the concept art book.
That I had to double check.
To make sure I got what I ordered.
And yeah it's a big disappointment.
Unlike the comic.
Which I liked a lot.
This is severe.
He's gouging his audience.
Lacking in quality.
It's like a free booklet.
You get when you attend an opera.
Or band concert or something.
You've never been to an opera.
You fucking liar.
Anyway. If I paid $10 to an opera, you fucking liar. Anyway.
If I paid $10 to $15 for this,
okay, but $75 is a huge ripoff.
$75 for a 16-page floppy
again.
Look at how tiny. Oh, this is it?
That's it. Look at how thin it is. $75?
$75 for that!
Yeah, I mean, he really, Eric July
really believes that he is
God's gift to creation and that you should give him $75 for that thing
Because it's going to be a valuable collector's item once he takes over the comic industry
And he seems like an idiot
Like, I do think he's only popular because he's black
He is a black conservative who tells people what they want to hear
Yeah, there's just no way this is good
Listening to him talk, like I was just, you know, busting balls before
But listening to him talk, number one
And then he put his wife's Etsy store in the middle
Yeah
Is so egregiously tone deaf and stupid
That no one who did that could ever make anything good
If he was charging like, you know
Indie comic prices For his stuff
I'd be like yeah okay
You made your little project
But it's like
Charging an arm and a leg
For your first time
You know vanity project
And telling people
We're gonna you know
Dominate the industry
By making
The most mediocre product
We possibly can
Is uh
Is bizarre
Is that it?
You're supposed to find
The Skyrim picture
Oh We keep getting distracted Is that it? You're supposed to find the Skyrim picture. Oh.
We keep getting distracted.
Is that it?
No.
You'll see.
There's a skinny Vito.
Huh.
There it is.
There's me and my buddy at the Skyrim.
Who's your buddy?
Grand premiere.
That is a guy named Eric Zipper who I think hates me now.
Why?
Because he's doing like racist?
Because he worked at a G4 as I was making fun of G4 constantly.
Oh, yeah.
And actually, I think Chrissy Mayer memes on him constantly.
Yeah.
Because when Frost did her big rant, she named all the people that she works with.
And she's like, you know, Tom, Mark, Zipper.
And everyone's like, what the fuck kind of name
is Zipper?
What year is this?
It's 11 years ago.
So however long.
Was this suit in style
11 years ago?
No, of course not.
I just had some shitty,
I don't know how to dress myself.
What am I supposed to wear?
I don't fucking know
what you wear.
It's just white.
I was doing like
red carpet interviews
for a stupid video game website.
Oh, okay.
Okay.
Okay.
Which actually, some of those are pretty good.
I should have.
Look at all this hair.
I should.
Well, not that much hair.
I still had a pretty far back hairline.
Okay.
Anyway, I posted that video and all the comments go, wow, what the fuck happened to you, you
piece of shit?
And I'm like, can I just post a picture of myself from the past?
Does it have to be a fat shaming moment? Yes, because everyone wants you to live. Why? I don't want to live. I'm like, can I just post a picture of myself from the past? Does it have to be a fat shaming moment?
Yes, because everyone wants you to live.
Why?
I don't want to live.
It's not up to you.
I hate being on this planet.
Yeah, I know.
And it's not up to you.
And there's nothing to live for except for the mass murder I will eventually commit once
I'm ready to go out, as we've discussed.
You can plug the show as you're going out.
You're right.
I should.
I'll wear a t-shirt.
How's that? All right. So you said this week I the show as you're going out. You're right. I should I'll wear a t-shirt. How's that?
Alright, so you said this week I learned Vito used
to be skinny. Thank you very much
for the super chat. Hey guys, it's Josh
Denny. Go up a little bit.
Right there. Cullen care.
Pork boy 23. When do we
get a problem from cool Sean?
We're going to have him someday, but he's a busy
boy. Oh no, that's a different
guy. Oh Oh different Sean
Yeah
Sean brought in a problem
On episode 50
Of the original show
And he was so embarrassed
That he edited it out
Who did
Him
Sean did
When he got it
He brought it in
And then we like
It was like a big deal
It was like a year of the show
Yeah
And it was like
And he said
Can you edit my problem out
No he was the editor
Okay
And he edited Like any reference to it his entire problem and everything. So it was just like gone
Yeah, tell you guys he was gonna do that he just delivered it he goes I couldn't do it I edited out
I had use that in Paris. I said
Okay, what was the problem?
Generation it's the big 50th episode embarrassed? And I said, okay. What was the problem? It was the YouTube generation.
And it's the big 50th episode? Yeah, so he edited it out, and then, so I took it
and I, I took, I had the
original file. Yeah. So I transcribed
it, and then sent it to this
like, uh, this cool black guy
that does voiceovers. Oh, and he like, wrote it,
read it in a cool way? And I had the cool black guy
read the pro- because I said, the reason that you don't like
it is because it's your voice.
Some people really hate hearing themselves.
Yeah, so I said, so I got this cool black guy to read.
Cool Sean.
Yeah, the exact same as you.
And then I spliced it with us.
So he would go like, well, actually, my problem is the YouTube generation.
And it was so retarded.
That's a pretty good gimmick.
And then they got the hard men working hard got that black guy to do a part on the-
Some vocal?
Yeah, on the Dick Show album.
Spoken word?
Yeah, he was the judge.
That's exciting.
That's cool, Sean, who they're talking about.
Well, maybe we'll find him.
Reza for five.
What's the going rate for pooping in Vito's mouth?
Not much.
Well, what do you, are you a guy or are you a hot Latin Brazilian woman who's going to
two girls, one cup me?
I don't know.
I'd give you a discount.
You're a guy?
No, if you're a lady.
Jesus Christ.
Or a hot tranny.
Oh, wait.
I can't say that anymore.
Trans lady. Sorry. I fucked that hot tranny. Oh, wait. I can't say that anymore. Trans lady.
Sorry.
I fucked that up.
How much of a discount?
I don't know.
How much for someone to poop in your mouth?
20 bucks.
No.
How much for real?
Well, what kind of, you know, there's a lot of factors.
Well, you don't know what kind of poop is coming out until it's already coming out.
Two grand.
Two grand?
That's a lot of money.
Do I have to swallow it
Bro, I'll pay two grand for someone to poop in your mouth right now the hottest fucking
Translator you can find yeah, but you're sure you're gonna want to film it and like show it. Nope
Let me think about
Two grand's a lot of money I could buy a lot of magic cards with that.
Not enough.
I mean, it's just like somebody...
You're still going to taste poop forever.
It's like asking how much to eat worms.
It's like equally gross.
I eat a worm for free.
I'm not getting shit in my mouth for two grand.
If I could...
How long do I got to keep it in my mouth?
You can spit it out right the fuck back right away.
Who cares?
As long as it's not like a wet shit that goes everywhere.
Well, how are you going to know?
Well, that's the problem.
What, are you going to do an MRI?
No, they got to be on a strict diet beforehand for like two days.
Okay.
You call the diet shots.
Yeah, but now I want to gouge you and find out how high you'll go.
Well, I'll go more than two grand.
Well, some guys pay for that experience.
What if the Patreon hits 10,000?
No, because I think the Patreon will hit 10,000 at some point.
Okay.
That's an inevitability.
If you're a trans woman listener
who wants to poop in my mouth
For two grand
You gotta send a picture though
You gotta do it for free
If it's an ugly chick
I don't wanna do it
Okay
Goatie McGoatface for five
Been working
I don't know why it matters
Been working 84 hours
84 hour weeks
For three months
For three months
The show make work go quicker
Thanks Vito and Dick
To be fair.
I suck, Cox.
Hey, man. Wow. I like hearing
that we're helping the working day go
by. That's the ultimate goal with any radio
show. Yeah. Is you want the working
man to put it on, get through his
shift. 84 hour weeks.
Yeah, I don't know how that's happening. Seven
days. Seven days times what?
Is that 12 hours a day?
12 hours a day.
I think that's 12.
Yeah, it's 12 hours a day.
What are you doing for 12 hours a day?
I don't know.
I hope it gets better.
Jacking off, yeah.
All right.
Ice wallow.
Calm.
Ice wallow, yeah.
Have your back, Vito.
That other guy was pretty great, but I missed your intros.
Keep up the good work, Kings.
They're 666.
It's just more funny not to read the people who are shitting at some point.
I can't believe Dick didn't read my $2 Uber chat about Josh Denny drives an Uber.
I love Josh Denny.
Well, we love him, too.
David Gomez for five.
Biggest problem in the universe is Richard killing a good bit because he wants 50 bucks for a call to prayer.
Oh, we did it for free this fucking episode.
He is infidel.
He will not enter Cutie's paradise.
No, you have to pay $50.
$50 for a big one.
Yeah.
You know, but if boogies ass cancer comes up.
Me for 20.
Stop laughing.
For five, Conroy's Batman is great, but Joker was iconic.
TBF to Mark Hamill.
Nice try.
King for 10. My biggest
problem is the newest MC Jarbo song about
you, Vito. His lyrics are very slanderous
and I suck, COX.
Wasn't a line in the lyrics.
TBF, the beat was nice.
Yeah, uh... I didn't know he did a
song about you. Yeah, but it's just like, I don't think
he knows anything about me. Oh.
So the whole show is just like, Vito
fucks kids. Vito fucks kids. Vito fucks kids.
Look at all the kids.
I'm like, all right.
It is a nice beat.
Yeah.
That guy is infinitely talented.
Oh, yeah.
He's incredible.
It's a complete waste of his time
to be making these meme raps
when he could just, like,
be a rapper.
Yeah.
There's so many musicians
that I feel like,
I just wish you were bigger.
Yeah.
And I wish you weren't
wasting your time with garbage.
I wish you best of luck, MC Jarboe.
Call me a PDF file as much as you want,
but I think you have better...
Maybe he could do our Christmas album with us.
He's not coming by. Why?
He's called into my show. Oh, has he? Yeah, he's
cool. I think he's cool.
I honestly am like, I've listened to
his songs and I go, these are like spectacular.
Yeah. Why don't you just rap
About not stupid internet drama
And you could maybe
Make a thing out of it
Like what though
Because no one will plug it
It is hard to be a rapper
I don't know
It's a whole thing
Gun Ranger 5
Dick should check out
Four Lions
A funny satire
About wannabe suicide bombers
Also McDonald's
Ruining their apple pie
Makes me want to be one myself
Man yeah
Remember when they had
Those fried pies?
Yeah, they were good.
They're so good.
Now they're like Pop-Tarts.
You can still get them from like, I think Popeye's still fries them.
I mean, they're terrible for you.
Kara Frover 10.
Kara's a popcorn planeteer as well.
Oh.
Happy you're back.
Had fun in Vegas seeing Johnny Depp.
That veto imposter was funny, but I miss the stingers.
Your karaoke made up for it.
Wait a minute.
I dominated karaoke.
You met Kara in Vegas?
I did.
Oh.
Was she the girl that you were, that you were, uh.
Man doesn't, no, it wasn't.
No.
Sadly, Kara looked at me and she went, well, you're funny, but you're not like.
You're not that funny. Yeah, you're not that funny. You're not Gallagher. Yeah, exactly. at me and she went, well, you're funny, but you're not like. You're not that funny.
Yeah, you're not that funny.
You're not a Gallagher.
Yeah, exactly.
Where's the big couch?
Class, glass bell for two.
The internet was built for us autists.
Get the fuck off the internet.
Coffee split for two.
Get off the internet.
Autism is why FTX blew up.
Yeah, well.
Maxim Man and Cheese, too.
Vito is the Margaret Sanger of the Tis.
Who's Margaret Sanger?
Eugenicist. Started
playing parenthood, I think. Good for her.
Gentlemen, Saz, oh,
Ye's been talking about.
It's their holocaust. It's the holocaust on
blank babies. Playing parenthood.
Don't you think? No. You don't think that's true?
I think yeeting a fetus
is a little different from forcing a
grown man or woman to
take an acid bath.
So clump is, there was no acid baths.
What are you talking about?
You know, ripping their arms and legs off.
Like some kind of a machine, like a roller coaster.
Mr. Bone Stripper.
They sent him through the bone stripper.
Do you know that reference?
No.
Bone stripper.
There's a Dan Aykroyd movie.
Yes.
Nothing But Trouble. Nothing But Trouble. That's what I was referencing too. Yeah, the roller coaster. That sounds, yeah. No Bone stripper There's a Dan Aykroyd movie Yes Nothing but trouble
Nothing but trouble
That's what I was referencing too
Yeah the roller coaster
That sounds
Yeah
I didn't know that was
It's called Mr. Bone stripper
I hate bankers
Banker
I hate bankers
It's a good movie
For some reason
I love referencing
Nothing but trouble
It's very
The Gentleman's Sausage for five
I will not buy the bug nets
I will not drink the Huel
I hate EA
I hate the Antichrist.
That's true.
Michael winning for two.
Sam Hyde two.
Hassan Bougaloo.
I'd watch it.
Asgard for five.
Will there be any refunds for the live show if Vito ends up being too tired to show?
No refunds.
I will be there.
No refunds.
Jim Satala for 20.
Vito.
Big 20.
Thank you, Jim.
Vito's missing the reason why the studios change backstories and so the woke stuff.
They are not doing it for political reasons. they change 25% of the story so they
Don't have to pay the creators I don't know
If that's true what
Everybody says the reason they make changes to
These characters is because otherwise
They're gonna have to pay royalties
Uh to the
Creators the other possible reason is
That it protects against
Uh what do you mean changes?
Like, Namor in this movie is now Mayan.
They don't call it...
Like, the race?
His race is Mayan?
Yeah, he comes from the Mayans.
He's like 400 years old.
He no longer...
No, if he came out and said, my name is Kleenex, Kleenex would be suing.
Yeah.
It's not...
There's no percentage change of. The better theory is that it's to protect against copyright running out.
So right now, like Winnie the Pooh is public domain.
But if you put like a red shirt on him, you will be sued by Disney.
Because Disney owns, they still have the copyright on anything they invented for Winnie the Pooh
after the point of the original copyright.
Intellectual property, right?
Property has got to go.
Well, vote it up.
You have that option.
Or like, you know, there's that show Holmes.
Yeah, Sherlock Holmes.
Yeah, the original owners of the,
because Sherlock Holmes is obviously public domain,
but the owners of the estate are like, or, you know, the, or whoever used to own it, his estate
is like, yeah, but Holmes didn't hate dogs until 1940.
So him hating dogs.
That's us.
That's yeah.
They're going, we still own any homes that hates dogs.
And there's all sorts of shit like that.
Mickey Mouse having gloves didn't happen until 10 years later. So
once Mickey Mouse is public domain, you
can't put gloves on him. You can only do the
Steamboat Willie Mickey. It's very weird
and complicated. It's very interesting.
Nathan Efratt for five.
The internet causes autism
because parents are on their phones instead of making eye
contact with their babies. That might be true.
We're very distracted as a people.
Claptrap the Destroyer,
the Grinch Pit was phenomenal for five.
Do a Frosty the Snowman one next.
Boogie the Cancer Man.
You gotta save it.
His long last piece of meat.
Every episode,
these will be your stingers,
is Boogie Christmas songs.
He's fat and gay
and he's fucked up his DNA.
That's terrible. So his maker
he would meet.
Boogie the Cancer Man. Alright, we've got
enough Boogie Cancer jokes for one
episode. Jesus Christ.
Spider Eternal for two.
Kevin Conroy died. Dark Day TBF.
Max Attack for
20 New Zealand dollars.
That's only 10 bucks. Well then why did they put it in orange? It sounds exciting. I thought for 20 New Zealand dollars. That's only 10 bucks.
Well, then why did they put it in orange? It sounds exciting.
I thought Vito was born fat.
Fuck you.
Well, we're going to refresh. Get your last
Super Chats in now.
But what a beautiful show. We've had
so much fun. That was like a freestyle
song that I did. I know. You're pretty good at that.
Thanks. Thanks. The Apprentice
007. Any opinions of Mr. Girl Me Too-ing Destiny? Well, we kind of at that Thanks Thanks The Apprentice 007 Any opinions of
Mr. Girl
Me tooing Destiny
Well we kind of
Talked about it
The Apprentice
Did you just wander in here
And ask this question
We've been talking about it
The whole time
You're very late
I just think
You just wander into
The middle of a show
With two bucks
Here's my take
That people are not
You know
Understanding
Is
These women came to him and said we've been
abused by destiny too and he took them seriously and he's like well that's terrible i'll look into
it like maybe he's done this to other people and then they go mr curl manipulated us into coming
out against destiny and it's like you went to him why did he give a shit though i don't know
because he's literally he's like you know how I'm like a bleeding heart liberal
And I care about stuff
He's like that times a thousand
He's like a guy
For women
Like this celebrity like sex chatted me
Mr. Girl is a guy I've had conversations with him
I was like I want to do this thing
He's like if you do that I'm not your friend anymore
Like he's hard line
When Russia Today came to me and said, do you want to run our Twitter?
I'm like, that would be funny.
I want to sow disinformation for the Russians.
And he's like, I can't abide that.
Yeah, but then he trotted this whole story out.
Isn't that like re-victimizing the victim?
I don't know.
I think they said.
For what?
Like, Destiny doesn't care.
But I think they said they wanted him to do.
I don't know.
But who cares?
Like, they're clearly mentally insane and abused.
You don't just do whatever they say.
Well, the thing is that I think they came to him and they're like, this abuse is going
on.
And so he said, I want to look into it.
But then he started like cold calling people and being like, Hey, I've heard destiny's
abusive.
Like, do you know anything about this?
The election season is coming up.
Is destiny raped you at all?
Do you feel like the power dynamic?
And then the people he went to obviously went to Destiny,
and they said, hey, Mr. Girl's, like, digging up dirt on you.
So then Destiny does a stream where he goes,
Mr. Girl's a fucking piece of shit and whatever else.
And then he felt compelled to respond.
I think he should have just went radio silent and said, like,
listen, I'm looking into some things.
I mean, he's getting good marketing out of it.
Like, everyone's talking about it.
It's funny.
It's funny that the girls Are re-victimized
And they're crying
Like I wouldn't have seen
The girls crying
If he hadn't done this
I don't think it's that big a deal
I think that's funny
I think it's sad
I think the only thing
Out of this is sad
Cause like
I think Mr. Girl
Really liked Destiny
And he honestly
He feels like really betrayed
Cause I guess he like
You know he talked to Destiny
And he's like
What's the deal with these women
And Destiny was like
Ah they're all crazy bitches I hate them all and then yeah but then it came out
that he's like sexting with him all the time he's like well then why do you call them you know
fucking bitches and let your audience attack turns them on honestly like yeah that might be part of
it women are nuts yeah what and then like destiny stopped being friends with nick fuentes because
mr girl did he stop being friends with Nick Fuentes cuz mr. Graham
Did he stop being friends with him? Yeah, destiny's like doesn't has not friends with Nick Fuentes anymore and those guys were doing great stuff
Stop supporting Nick finders. Why I cuz he's terrible. What's terrible name me one thing name me three things
That's bad
Name one then. Name one. If you don't have three things,
then fine. His video, he put out,
he was on recently and somebody clipped it where he's like, well, this election just proves
we need to stop letting people
vote. We need to, you know, basically
a totalitarian leader. Stop.
We should stop letting everyone vote.
No, he doesn't want any voting at all. He wants...
No, I heard this clip. He wants... Well, okay.
It kind of sounds like he wants a fascist dictatorship, which is bad.
I mean, if you're not in charge, yeah, it's bad.
You're in charge.
I'm not going to be in charge, and you're not going to be in charge.
Nick Fuentes is going to be in charge.
We're all going to have to fuck Catboys, and I don't want to do it.
Oh, you don't want to fuck Catboys now.
Not exclusively.
Not because you're being told to, because you have oppositional defiance disorder.
Like, I'll fuck a cat boy.
That's your problem with Dick Fuentes?
The fascism?
Come on.
Is that your only problem with Hitler?
All the fascism?
Come on.
Get over it.
He's funny.
This would be you in Germany.
If only somebody had gone back in time and told Hitler to go to a Holocaust museum and
write an essay about how sorry he was.
If you were in the Weimar Republic, you would be going, this Hitler guy is hilarious.
Well, let's make him chiseler.
An alternative of what I would be doing if I was there.
Jesus Christ.
That's your problem with Nick Fuentes?
Yeah, you don't promote fascism.
Promote democracy.
There's no democracy, though.
It's just like, Do what we say or else
You'll lose all your bank accounts and stuff
I'm gonna go on that shooting spree
What though?
I'm so done with this
Don't you think that
You're not gonna vote out
Fat tyranny
Okay
Do you not think so?
There's no point in anything
Everything
Everything that human beings
Have fought to achieve
And just throw off the shackles
What have we fought to achieve?
Slavery and feudalism
and all of that.
It's just bullshit.
The banks brought it back.
Okay.
So how are you going
to vote it out?
Do you think there's a way
we can vote out
the Federal Reserve?
Yeah, like Kanye.
Oh, what do you think
he's going to do?
Kill all the...
Bankers!
You know the movie!
He's going to go death con
is what he's going to do.
That's a defensive maneuver.
Well, it's a state of readiness
It's a commit ax
Refresh
How do you think
You're gonna
You're gonna vote out
The situation we're in though
I don't know sir
Alright
That's all the Super Chats
Hey real quick
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Saturday
Go to live.biggestproblem.show to buy tickets
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Okay.
And hopefully it'll be good, and I think it'll be good.
Goodbye.
I love you guys.
That boogie stuff.
I don't know.