The Biggest Problem in the Universe - Episode 7 - Pious Puppets Seek Prison Parking

Episode Date: August 16, 2021

You know, like a pro. That's how the pros do it. That is how they do it. Boom! Bam! Boom! Oh, let's see if I'm fucking anything up yet. Here we go. And welcome to the biggest problem in the universe! The show that ranks every problem in the universe! From gas price hurt to granny alerts.

Got it? The pump hurts. Hurting at the pump. Doesn't sound right when you flip it around. I'm your host, Dick Masterson. Joining me as always is Vito Gisualdi. Hi, Dick. How are you? What's up, buddy? I'm great. How are you? Doing good.

Something's weighing on your mind. Well, yeah. Something's always weighing on my mind. That's you. It's Liberal 101. Yeah, yeah. Something's always weighing on my mind. That's you. It's Liberal 101. Yeah. We've always got a problem. You guys never have any problems, the conservatives.

Hey, thanks for helping me move. You were just standing around being worried all day. Oh, God. I'm just thinking about. So what are you doing over there? Fixing all the problems. Yeah. All of life's problems.

You guys put in the work while we figure out what's wrong. Hey, that's right. And that's what we do on this show. Thank you all for joining us on The Biggest Problem in the Universe and thank you for supporting us at patreon.com slash biggest problem. Vito. Yeah. You want to know who won last week?

Well. Two weeks ago. Last episode? Yeah. Last episode. Deinstitutionalization. Wow. Absolutely destroyed it. That is a big winner right Wow. Absolutely destroyed it. That is a big winner right there. That was me. Well, surely I took second place.

That's the firing squad for all the nuts. Everybody just wants to get rid of all the garbage around. That's what that vote was for. Garbage. That's horrible. Garbage people. Oh, God. Like Oscar the Grouch.

Is that what people voted for? Get rid of the garbage people They said let's send all these crazies back to Grouchland Yeah That's what the vote A trash can for every American That's my motto Yeah

Then you wish you would have had a pod You got a trash can instead though Didn't you buddy? Two factor authentication Yeah Was the next one I'm surprised it looks like it was close though yeah coming up right behind silver alerts silver alerts

helping the old people and then presidential gas gripers all the way at the bottom negative another negative yeah i feel like um i feel like people were uh mistaken like maybe they should do some more research on that. People are wrong. This guy says, where did, where did, he says, gee, I wonder, Vito, where did people get this gas idea from? And then he linked to Biden's statement on like how OPEC needs to open stuff up during the pandemic and how that's going to lead to lower gas prices. Did you see that one? So Biden is asking for OPEC to open things up? Well, you know, the president

doesn't really ask. He kind of... He's got a little more... He can't force... I can ask OPEC. They're not going to go. Yeah. He can't force OPEC to... Look, again, that's the whole problem with this thing is people assuming that the president gets to just go to the gas people and be like, just make it free.

That's not how it works. What are we doing in Iraq then? We're not in Iraq anymore. We left. Like, that's not how it works. What are we doing in Iraq then? See, we took all these- We're not in Iraq anymore. We left. That was our biggest mistake. We took all these- We stayed. Yeah.

Maybe if we were still there, you would have an argument to say, well, the president should be putting the muscle on the Iraqis, but we keep pulling out. OPEC's like, uh-oh, they got all these military guys just floating around now. Those guys got to go somewhere. We got a lot of oil. So wait, did Biden ask them to change the price of gas? So isn't that saying that Biden doesn't have the ability to do it if he's asking to change it and it hasn't changed? Look, I don't know.

Was that like a trick? Like he's just saying it, but he doesn't really want to do it? Yeah, I guess it was. Okay, that makes no sense. Dr. Flores, he says, tell Vito that he doesn't know shit when talking about space travel. I don't know why he would say that. What did I say about space travel? I don't know.

Stephen Hawking went on a flight in a vomit comet, which is used by astronauts to train. It's a modified plane that flies in parabolas, simulating the free fall of being in, I don't know, something about suborbital. I think I might have said he went suborbital, but he was in one of those things where you get weightlessness for like periods of time. So what does being suborbital to modify i don't know it's a bunch of fucking explaining yeah i did that how you're wrong yeah but like was i really claiming that i knew a lot about space stuff i just knew that stephen hawking did the weightless thing yeah i know it's in a plane it's not like he's not in like a rocket ship they take a plane up but i think they take it Like really high up

And then Yeah I guess the parabola Is the doing Big loops Yeah Simulates gravity somehow Yeah So now you're gonna get an email

That's like It's not actually a plane Actually it's It's not a plane It's not a loop It's more of an eight figure Like look man All I know is that

The crippled guy Was like spinning around In his wheelchair And it was funny Okay They took it up there to make fun of him. And just spin him around and go, look at how stupid he looks. Right?

You think his wife was watching? The one that he cheated on was watching? They're like, that son of a bitch. Okay. Do you want me to kick off this show? Oh, you are the winner. While you wake up? Yeah, I am the winner.

No, I'm awake. I'm just a little out of sorts, I feel. Oh, yeah? You feel out of sorts? Why? I don't know. Maybe it's a new strain going around. Stop.

Maybe I got one of the new ones. Lambda strain? The beta strain? I might have lambda, lambda, lambda. Here's my problem. Are you ready? Yeah. This is the big one.

This is going to be number one. I know I got a good feeling about this one Yeah, it's just the right amount of condescending But everybody condescends together That's the secret to a good biggest problem in the universe You gotta get everybody pointing At an imaginary person and saying You're the idiot

Okay Right? Alright It's called It's called scientism Scientism Yeah That's what it says I didn't know it was called that-ism. Science-ism. Yeah. That's what it says.

I didn't know it was called that. Oh, this is a real term. Yeah. This is, this is, well, yeah, this is, I didn't create it. So it's real. Science as a religion. That's what it is. I saw this on Twitter the other day.

I saw this wonderful statement. From now on, if you don't believe scientists, you don't get a phone or a computer. I thought, okay. That's, I mean, this is, my mind is bottled. Was that the actual tweet? Zach Borstein, from now on, if you don't believe scientists, you don't get a phone or a computer. Let me tell you something, buddy.

That's nonsensical, yeah. You can't explain how either of those things work. I promise you, if I asked you how to explain how a phone worked, you'd get through the case, and that's where your understanding of the phone would end. You believing or not believing in the science that was in your phone has no relevance of whether or not that fucking thing works. The planes do not stay in the air because everybody claps for Tinkerbell at the end of Peter Pan. It's not a collective wishing for science to operate that it functions on. It's the hard work of generations of men before you

that all had one thing in common. They were very critical of each other, of the world, of established beliefs, and most importantly, of science. None of them defended anything they ever did by, well, you got to believe me. Well, you just got to believe me. What are you talking about? These rings of electrons?

Whoa, whoa. What do you mean as you approach the speed of light, it takes more energy to move you? What are you talking about? Time dilates. Well, you just got to believe me. Okay, we're just going to build it into our GPS satellites then. Thanks a lot, Einstein.

We believe you. Never. Scienceism. You just got to believe me or I'll take your things away. Or you don't get to use a computer Only those of us that believe in science Hail science Get to believe

Why do I know Zach Bornstein? Is that guy like a journalist or something? He's a dick Yeah well obviously He's a professional dick He shows up at little kids parties and acts too drunk And they have to ask him to leave That's what he does

He's a professional at that People use science to declare that everybody knows this. Use science to declare that a proposition that is beyond their understanding is the correct one. That's what it is. I like this. I like what you're saying. It's because of the

science. That's why. I don't understand it. I don't understand it, so my input on it is totally worthless because I don't understand it. Right? Yeah. They wouldn't do this in anything else. You don't say it, so my input on it is totally worthless because I don't understand it, right? Yeah. And they wouldn't do this in anything else. You know what I'm saying? Like, well, what kind of, I mean, what's the cosmological constant you guys think?

Do you think the universe is expanding or do you think it's a disk? Do you think there's going to be a big crunch? Like, I don't know. Where's the science now, you shitheel? Well, that's my question. You've got to believe what? That science exists? It exists. We all...

I know. Yeah, but I don't think anybody's claiming science doesn't exist is why this position is a bit bizarre. I believe in science as the dating profile equivalent of I like sushi and travel. Yeah. What is your feelings on modern policy? Well, I like sushi and travel. Yeah. What's your feel, what is your feelings on modern policy? Well, I like sushi and travel. I don't know about you,

but I like sushi, travel, and science. Nobody ever said, oh, I understand the science. Yeah. You don't believe in science? Well, I mean, I know what I understand.

Know what I don't understand? I don't really understand that. Maybe I'm not the guy. The belief in it doesn't matter. Here is, scale called the belief in science scale. Yeah. So the reason that it's such a problem is because it's turning science into a religion, right? Saying who believes in evolution is not saying who understands evolution.

It's saying who is prone to believing in religion. Yeah. Just like the flat earth thing. You remember when the flat earth people came out? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Why is the earth so flat? And people would lose their minds yelling at them. Why do you think that?

Why do you think that? Because they have no idea. They have no idea why they think the earth is round. You give them two lifetimes, they couldn't prove it it to these people who are morons to them total religion i found an interesting study to prove it uh they had an experiment where the theory being that under low stress conditions your need for religion is lower than when you're in high stress conditions like then you need to believe in religion more it's a good theory so they tested some uh some championship rowers and championship athletes yeah to see what their belief was in science before an event and after it high stress versus no more stress anymore

sure enough their belief in science was higher before the event than after the stressful event so when they became stressed they were less interested in science they were more committed to believing in science like here comes your trial verdict do you believe in god have absolutely god please don't send me to jail right uh do you believe in science yeah i fucking yes i strongly believe in science to i strongly believe in science because I need a coke. So it occupies the same part of the brain? That's what they're saying. Now, I don't understand science.

I don't know. I would have to see the science on that one. What else do I have here? It's, it's, um, science-ism. Thomas Lessel argued that religious themes persist in what he calls scientism, the public rhetoric of science. I'll read it to you thusly. There are two methodologies that illustrate the idea of scientism.

The epistemological approach, the assumption that the scientific method trumps other ways of knowing. Well, did you do it scientifically or not? If you did it scientifically that nailed it it's all that's all we need to know like well i mean you kind of you can't see that it's fucked up you can't look and tell with your eyes that it's fucked up you can't see that everybody's still getting sick and wearing like you can't open your fucking eyes and see just because you went through this just because you went through the science the proper channels it's better

uh and the ontological approach that the rational mind reflects the world and both operate in knowable ways meaning that maybe you just don't know maybe you put all your science stuff on this but it just doesn't work doesn't work that way bud did you ever think about that um so people so people should not treat science as a religion that's what i'm saying because they become a religion fanatical yeah and uh i think that the big reason the reason it's a big problem is because the more the more it becomes a religion and the more it becomes tied to the um to the um the programs that people claiming to believe in science are pushing the more they're going to drive people away

not from their programs but from the institution of science altogether where people will start going you know oh that came from a scientist I don't believe it those guys are always full of shit I don't believe the science actually well I mean I am kind of worried about the scientific community just not acting like scientists.

Yeah. Like the whole, when COVID was happening and they were having the Black Lives Matter protests. Yeah. So remember they told us, they're like. There you go. Yeah, I was really not happy with that. Super spreader event. Yeah, it was like

hey please you know everybody wear a mask stay inside whatever else but we want to go protest in favor of black people and the scientists you know what you say as a scientist you go well no our record yeah our recommended guidance is that you don't do that that's racist yeah but instead they're like oh we don't want anyone to call us racist so they're like well we understand that racism is more important than this disease. That's a bigger public health crisis than the disease. So actually, go ahead. Yeah, you don't hear a lot of people who believe in science citing race IQ studies, do you?

No. I don't. No, no, no. That's actually evil science. Right. No, get it away. Yeah, get it away from me. Get it away from me.

So I like, yeah, and when people tell me. Get it away from me. So I like, yeah. And when people tell me now they don't trust scientists, I'm like, yeah, I can't be mad at you because they're fucking up. I really can't. Like that was such a, like all you have to do as a scientist is go, our recommended guidance is this. You don't even have to comment on it. You don't have to say whether or not black lives matter.

I mean, I assume you think they matter, but you don't have to say whether or not black lives matter i mean i assume you think they matter but you don't have to be like i mean you have to prove science question is they don't have to explicitly support any causes just say please please we believe in this thing and this is our science on it uh here's i brought in a bunch of studies you know know how I do it. 50% of adults say, of U.S. adults say, medical doctors give fair and accurate information all or most of the time. By comparison, 30% of adults say the same thing about medical research scientists. That they believe they give correct information? Yeah. So that means 70% don't believe they give correct information. Yeah. So that means 70% don't believe they give correct information.

Yeah. Wow. 60% of Americans say, why did they mix up the percentages in 6 and 10? Assholes. Americans say dieticians care about their patients' best interests all or most of the time. So 40% of America thinks people telling you to eat,

to not just eat everything you want, are trying to pull some kind of a scam uh while about while about half as many 30 say that nutrition research scientists are looking out for their best interests so okay to be fair that food pyramid was always a scam exactly exactly at the top of the pyramid they're like you should eat some candy You're like How about no candy They're like No you should eat some Plate tectonics Solar winds

Quantum mechanics Alzheimer's Stomach ulcers The age of These were all Established science But they were All disproven

Many times Over the course of I don't know Does that Does it make my point I get what you're saying Is that Certain people

Regard science As a religion You're harming humanity when you lump it in there you're creating people who do not believe in science science you're you're gonna the problem with religions is that people believe them blindly and we should never blindly believe science there's been a lot of bad science yeah yeah people do though some people yeah blind okay i believe in like things that have been studied extensively by like multiple teams of researchers over years and years and years yeah over a period of time yeah okay or perhaps a certain event which every like hundreds of thousands of scientists are probably studying i don't know if

because it's that crucial i don't know if i believe it yeah i'll take it under advisement under advisement all right i when a scientist tells you that uh maybe a disease exists do you go eh i know diseases exist i've seen a disease with my own eyes it's not a hoax then nah well i don't know there's aspects of it that seem hoaxy to you? Yeah. Son of a bitch. If somebody said an asteroid was coming, I'd be like, I don't know. Maybe.

Yeah. Maybe. That wouldn't be crucial enough? That wouldn't be time sensitive enough? No. No. All right. That's my, what did I call it?

Scientism? Scientism. Scientivism. Always question. Question. Hypothesize. Experiment. Experiment.

Results. Report. Question again. always question question hypothesize experiment results report question again this is the scientific process that is that has carried us that has carried us for thousands of years

that's what's important not the result not believing in the result not taking people's computers away well if you don't believe in science how can you have this computer which was made by science checkmate yeah scientivism.

What would be the atheist equivalent of a scientist? I think it is. Yeah. Scientivism is being an atheist. It's like the atheist version of God. Yeah. Right? You got to believe in something.

Who is that Zach Boziak guy? I feel like I hate him for some reason. Zach Borstein. He's like rarefied, right? He's a blue check. One of them blue checks. God, I hate those guys. He didn't say you have to have a gun, though.

So if you come and take my computer, I'm going to use my fucking science pistol. Science, man. That's got some science up in it. Well, Dick, that is a problem. It's one of many problems one of many problems but i've got a problem of my own a problem that i think affects someone near and dear to many people's hearts someone who's been in the news okay uh are you aware of an interview are you aware of an individual named uh chris chan yes we talked about him last time chandler yes did we on the last show yes for

deinstitutionalization it had just happened he had just penisized his mom is that true i don't remember us discussing this yeah yeah oh but he hadn't been arrested yet no right well now uh miss miss christine chan has been entered into into the uh legal system yeah has been arrested belongs there's some thrilling he's she i don't actually know at this point no look i'm not calling buffalo bill a he or a she yeah so i just don't know does you're a sexual predator uh you don't get you don't get to do it that's's my policy. I don't go by that policy. I go by whatever you want to decide is right for you.

So Buffalo Bill then. If Buffalo Bill thinks she is a woman, then yeah. Buffalo Bill didn't say she was a woman or he was a woman. Well, okay. I think Buffalo Bill was a transvestite. He did it for funsies sometimes. He wanted to become a woman, but he didn't obtain enough skin yet to become a woman,

so he hadn't become a woman yet. Oh, I see. Once he had enough skin. He didn't know he could just declare it. Yeah, he didn't know. Well, he didn't live in today's modern age. There would be no problem. Back then, he had to get the skin.

I see. Now, we got rid of the skin rule. Okay. Classic skin rule. The point is, now that poor Christine Chan is in a prison system, he's currently in, what, jail? And then will at some point maybe move to prison if convicted? I don't know how that exactly works.

That's how it works. Yeah. Yeah. I'm not good at the legal system. I was more busy researching what could happen to her while she's in there because I'm so worried. Oh, no. Dick, are you aware of the problem of prison rape? Have you

heard of this? Have you seen this? It's the only reason that we don't commit crimes. Exactly. That I don't commit crimes. More crimes. Right, because otherwise prison is fun. It'd be great. You just hang out, play checkers. Yeah. You know, lift weights. Yeah.

Around every corner. You would lift weights in prison? I would lift weights in prison. I don't have time now, of course. But I would go to prison and I would get chiseled. Take like a couple months in. Be an Adonis. Right now, I'm just a little, you know, a little busy.

You would lift. Yeah. Okay. Okay. I'm waiting to get that prison, bud. Point is, Dick, that as you may know, the U.S. imprisons a larger percentage of its

population than any other country in the world except one shithole little country with like two people in it. I forgot the name. The U.S. does? Yeah, we do. Isn't that crazy? It's really bad. It's really horrible. It's really awful. It's really fucking horrible. You think you would like it. I mean, that's a whole other problem entirely,

but you think you would look at that and go, yeah, we're probably doing something wrong there. Mass incarceration. Yeah, we probably, mass incarceration is a, we'll get on that problem some other time. I mean, you should honestly, yeah, go over.

I don't have the stats this time. Use prison rape. All right. We'll come back to mass incarceration. Is anybody not committing crimes in the US? I feel like at this point... I commit crimes all the time, as I'm sure you do as well.

We just gotta put people in prison for more serious... Raping your mom, yeah, okay. I think that's a good time to spend a little time... Thinking about what you've done? Yeah. Keep you in there until your mom dies. Yeah, at least until you're not a thing or whatever. You didn't rape someone else's mom.

Right. Yeah. Yeah. You at least raped your own. You kept it. So, you know, we don't got to go too harsh on you. But while you're in there, dick, should you be worried about catching a dick in your butt? I don't think you should.

No. In 2001, the Human Rights Watch estimated that at least 4.3 million inmates have been raped while incarcerated in the United States. 4.3 million. A year raped while incarcerated in the United States. How many? 4.3 million. A year? No, I think overall. Overall.

In totality. Probably since the beginning of the United States. Beginning of the United States. That's still a lot of rape. Well, they keep it down on a parchment? Yeah, exactly. Back in 1882, they had the rape tally, and they came by with a candle. A man with a candle would come by, and you would snuff out one of the candles if you had been raped that morrow.

Four million rapes. Okay. Even if it is across the totality, that's a lot. And if you want a yearly tally, about 80,000 women and men. Now, this is sexually abused, not necessarily rape, but still bad. 80,000 a year. That could be anything, though. Men and men. Now, this is sexually abused, not necessarily rape, but still bad. 80,000 a year. That could be anything, though. Men and women.

Could be anything. What do you mean, women? It's a problem across the board. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What are you rolling your eyes? You only care about prison rape when it's happening to guys? Yeah, I kind of feel like it's... If it happens to women, it's like, oh, well, they get raped normally,

so it's not as big a deal. I kind of feel like it only... I kind of feel like prison rape is only a men's thing. It's not as special if a woman gets raped in prison. It's just like normal rape. It's not... A woman can get raped anywhere. That doesn't count.

Yeah. It's not because she's in prison. You don't get a special consideration because you're in prison. That's just a normal rape. This is horrible. Don't you? I don't get a special consideration because you're in prison. That's just a normal rape. This is horrible. Don't you? I don't know.

Yeah. For those of you voting on the problems, don't go with dicks. It's not as big a problem because some of them are women. Women too. Oh, okay. Women too. It's rape, you cocks. Sexual assault, you just said.

Sexual assault. Some of those are rapes, though. He's rolling his eyes. Look, just to keep it for the show, I will try to stick to the male stats, because I know that's all you fucking monkeys care about. Yeah. In a survey. I mean, you're not worried about getting raped.

A man is not worried about getting raped in the outside world, right? No, I get it. So prison rape is bad men. Prison rape is a little rarer. You're a bit more vulnerable. Yeah. Okay. What the hell is this?

Okay, but I'm not saying. Look, the stats, just because whatever. Yeah. Okay. What the hell is this? Okay, but I'm not saying, look, the stats, just because, whatever, it's ridiculous. Point is, I'll give you a couple more stats. In a survey of 1,800 male inmates

by Prison Journal, 20% said they have been coerced or pressured into sexual activity during their incarceration. What? And 7% claimed they'd been raped in their current facility. Now, small survey size, 1800, sure,

but 7% say they've been raped in this one study? That's troubling. That's a lot. That's almost as much as public schools. Yeah. Almost. Yeah, 10%.

Almost as much as an after-school program. Is it 10% in public schools? Yeah, it's pretty high. Is it rape? Yeah. I haven't seen that. It's more than priests, which I think is 6%. Yeah.

But not as much. Public school, rape capital of the US, my man. Not to mention, and it is true, however, that it is more of a male problem than a female problem, which is interesting. Yeah. I mean, I guess it makes sense, though, because most of the rape is inmate on inmate rape. You know? It is?

Yeah, the majority. It says that, let me see. I didn't have that step. But it does say that in regards to inmate on inmate abuse, men are 16% more likely to have been victimized, to have been bribed or blackmailed into sex, 42% more than women. So basically, men are catching the brunt of this, to be fair. That is a fair thing. And one of the worst parts of this whole prison rape epidemic is America has one of the highest rates of HIV and AIDS among prisoners. And inmates in America are at least three times more likely to have HIV slash AIDS than the general U.S. population.

What? Yeah. You're getting into an AIDS factory? Yeah. Not only do you got to look out for rape, you got to look out for AIDS rape. AIDS rape. It's even worse. Do they know they have AIDS?

I think it just travels around. Three times as higher listen if now that we're doing a medical technocracy like fascist medical technocracy if you get diagnosed with the hiv they should tattoo it on your penis i don't you think if you think i should wear a mask when i go to some sort of chip that you know identifies you as an undesirable yeah you should get your skin like turned purple or something so everybody knows like oh this motherfucker's got aids at least your dick yeah it's a tricky it's a tricky subject oh the but the but the forced vaccination is not tricky and the mask is not tricky but the aids is tricky the problem is that

if you tell people hey if you have aids we're going to color your skin purple you know what they do they go i'm not going to get tested for aids we're sending the fucking military in there to be fair i mean we could get biden's vaccination guns and you know hold you down and forcibly take your blood you know what here's here's the deal doing pretty soon every six months you got to report to a blood bank and they either inject something into you or pull something out of you yeah you don't know You know what? Here's the deal. Every six months, you've got to report to a blood bank, and they either inject something into you or pull something out of you. You don't know which, but if you don't do it, you can't go outside anymore. Your libertarian position is every six months,

report to the government for a forced medical examination. No, I'm fascist now. I'm done with that libertarian. I'm full, most tyrannical fascist that you could be. I'm joining the winning team well you might avoid aids rape that way i'm a winner that might be the way to do it i'll say this too across racial lines there's some stats you might won't be interested in oh this is anti science white inmates are more likely to report sexual victimization by other inmates. So, Whitey,

you gotta watch out. Wait, wait, wait. Say that again? White inmates are more likely to report that they were sexually victimized by other inmates. Oh. Whereas Blacks and Hispanics

are more likely to report victimization by staff members. So, the staff is... The staff's raping the blacks. Breaking the black guys. And the blacks are raping the whites. Who's the white raping?

The whites just crying in the corner, man. Bottom of the totem pole. That's emasculating somehow. Is it? Yeah. Probably because I'm Mexican. Another big problem, of course, is that prison rape contributes to depression, anxiety.

I mean, these are people, these are prisoners, and a lot of them, when they get out, now have new psychological problems. They contribute to homelessness and recidivism. Eventually, they end back up in the system, and they get AIDS raped again. It's just an endless cycle. How would you get over that? Of getting raped and getting AIDS in prison? Not the AIDS part. Just getting raped in prison?

Like, oh, man. I think you just gotta contextualize it. What does that mean? You gotta go, well, at least my butthole made somebody feel good. Is that what you would do? It's like the guy,

did you ever see the comic where a guy gets, the bike comic? Yeah, the bike cuck. Where somebody steals his bike and he goes, well, at least he's having fun with my bike. Same thing applies to getting raped. Well, at least somebody had some fun.

You know? Oh, man. It's a bummer for me, but he had a good time. It would totally ruin Shawshank Redemption for me. Yeah, if what? He'd be raped in prison. Yeah. It wouldn't be as much fun.

It's not funny anymore. He gets raped a lot yeah you know what the worst part of prison rape is how many people use it as a threat or like a joke oh yeah that's what's hilarious and it's it's usually like women yeah or like well-meaning liberals and shit yeah liberals well i hope you get enjoy getting raped in prison why would you why would you say that why do you want that you obviously you're not being hyperbolic you want that to happen to them why are you why are we employing an army of black men to homosexually brutalize your ideological enemies like where is where does that come from

why and why do you all want to do it yeah they always say that especially when it's like uh like a racist person going to prison and like oh he's gonna enjoy getting uh raped by a black man yeah and you're like why is that what's in your head right now why do you why do you treat the black guy like just sort of an agent of your revenge like that's a guy you're talking you're right you're talking about is two victims yeah the raper is not i mean he's oh you're happy that a guy who is so you know psychologically damaged and he feels the need to take it out on someone else by forcing sex upon them to you that is a a form of justice

like you would pick this. You pick this. In your mind, you want that to happen. So you want there to exist a man who was so terrorized throughout his life that he is there to enact your rape revenge fantasy. In your mind. That's the sickest part.

And he was probably created by rape, so, yeah, everyone is insane. And by the way, he's going to get out eventually and maybe rape you. So you just created, how's that for, we live in a society. The one semi-positive about prison rape, Dick, is that the Prison Rape Elimination Act was passed unanimously by both parties of Congress in 2003.

So everybody, bipartisanly, says no more aids rape in our prisons the problem has been however that most of these uh things from the act did not even fully go into effect until 2017 and the rates of sexual victimization in prison have barely changed really yeah so we uh we we we we dress it up pretty we say we're we're going to deal with it, but then once you sign the bill, everybody pats themselves on the back. How about you stop sending people to the rape store? Yeah.

I mean, they've instituted some changes. For a while, they would house juvenile inmates with adult inmates, and they realized that became quite a problem. Rapery. Yeah. That was a big thing. Officiary.

Matchery. There's better reporting and stuff. But a lot of these officials, they want to bury the stats, you know? If you go to them and you go, I got raped, they go, hey, just shut up. We don't have to fill out the paperwork. Man, we got a whole system here. What are you fucking it up?

Point is, there is a young woman right now who is in a male prison fighting for her life 39 is not young 39 she's young at heart the middle as the heart of a child probably for eternity that's not gonna change and uh oh no i hope she uh i hope she gets out of that situation get raped oh no i mean to be fair, I think raping Chris Chan would just involve anything. He could just be like, yeah, Sonic wants you to do it. Oh, you think he could be talked into anything? Well, I think that we've kind of seen that she can be talked into certain things. Not to rape, though.

Yeah, but you don't agree with that, no. Oh, no. You know what? I talked to the woman who started it all last night you talked to kill stream bella no i talked to um uh the uh communist dick girl yeah who's telling who's like who's like the controlling the and telling everyone that this happened she's got all the evidence compiling it and getting it out there she did not have one single piece of evidence yeah what is the deal uh is she close to any of these people or she just took it on herself took it on herself it's all like leaked leaked

screen screens yeah it's all like discord screenshots like edgelord jokes they post a bunch of gore jokes about she said she boiled 10 hamsters and it's like comical descriptions of the boat of all the killing yeah i've said i'm staying out of this because for some reason everybody's real mad about it but the people are going oh yeah she murders hamsters i'm like i haven't looked into it but i'm like did she really boil hamsters you're saying that no it's just discord jokes nonsense well that's what it sounds like when someone says oh well she she wrote a message saying she boils hamsters i'm like so was she joking that sounds like a joke. No, and the trans woman who's pushing it has posted pictures of herself getting misgendered at Popeyes

and, like, throwing a fit and screaming at the manager not to call her sir. Like, she's a total trans activist making it all up. She's making up wild stuff. Like, the girl likes to cover herself in cat shit. It's like, this is preposterous and this is ultimately because they believe chris chan was manipulated and should be not found mentally competent or no it's the the trans people that are pushing it are are uh uh trans militant trans activists who are just making shit up because the girl bella uh i think was bullying them i mean i present like they say that the girl be I think was bullying them. I mean, they say that the girl Bella

was bullying trans people at school. Yeah. So this is all just a... To get back at her. Yeah, get back at her.

And she's cute and has big tits. I imagine that has something to do with it. Well, I'll have to look into it. As I've said, everybody's real mad

about this whole situation. Yeah, I mean... And I'm staying out of it. All the people who've ever been called a Nazi or whatever who are pushing this lie, Everybody's real mad about this whole situation. Yeah, I mean. And I'm staying out of it. All the people who've ever been called a Nazi or whatever who are pushing this lie, shame on you. I have no input on any. The only input I have is Christine Shan, as we always say, don't drop the soap.

It's okay to joke. You can't joke about rape unless it's happening to a man in prison. Then it's fine. Yeah. Prison rape's my problem, Dick. What do you got for me? That's a good one for both of the reasons. Yeah.

We might have to talk about mass incarceration, though, at some point. What did I... Okay, picky parkers. People that spend... People that will not just park... Picky parkers. People that will not just park at the available space that's like at the end of the aisle they're always weaseling into the aisle squishing in oh shoot blowing it turning around

going just like just park just park at the fucking end there's no chance of dinging doors. You don't need to always find the best. Picky Parkers is my... I got some stats for you on this one. Drivers spend an average of 17 hours a year searching for parking spots. How about that? It's like a whole day. Yeah. It's a whole day.

You waste it, just pull right in. Grab the one on the end. What are you doing? Right. What's wrong with that one? Well, it's a Grab the one on the end. What are you doing? Right. What's wrong with that one? Well, it's a little too far from the door. What is wrong? Put a little extra.

When I leave the store, I'm going to have to walk farther to get to my car. Then you're mysterious. People will say, wow, did that guy walk here? Yeah. They don't even know that you parked here. Like, huh, he must walk everywhere. Maybe that's his thing. I'm so lazy.

I had to get right to the front. Yeah. Picky parkers. Don't you feel like less of a, you know, like your second class when you're not parked close, though? You know, it's like everybody else was more important than you. They got a good spot. No, I feel like I'm parking in the loge section. Yeah.

Way, but all these people cramming in at the front it's like a mosh pit it's disgusting i think they would drive into the store if they if they let them they would they said there's one parking spot that's inside the store you just have to find it there would be people driving around forever looking for the secret way to get into the store instead of just a multitude of parking spaces. See, I'm just playing devil's advocate because I always park where there's no cars. I park all the way across the lot.

Because I'm just like, yeah. And then when I want to get out, there's nobody next to me. I got spaces on both sides. It's like a luxury experience. You see these people just losing their minds. Interfering with the way you come out of the door Stopping, waiting Are you going? Am I going?

Some idiot going Just park at the fucking back What is your problem? The honking, the lights In a civilized world The parking lot would have a homogenous spread of cars Okay? Like a grid Like a checkerboard.

But in the world we live in, it's all crammed to the front. It's like people are compulsively trying to whittle down the amount of their precious seconds that they have to get back home and watch the office again. They're cramming all the way to the front, fucking around with people who are trying to leave, fucking around with people behind them who maybe made a mistake and didn't just grab a spot. This is what the world is to them. It's a mess.

It's not a civilized world that we live in. If we could just instill in people, it should be your civic duty to take a spot as far away from the front as possible. It should be your civic duty to take a spot as far away from the front as possible it should be reversed you're right like oh it's great i can't believe i got a spot so far away so far away i'm so i'm so lucky that i showed you usually i gotta take one of the spots in the front we should be we should be prostrating and prostrating ourselves yeah for this how far we can get away from the

door oh after you man no i insist after you wouldn't that be like a great social movement the park as far as you can from uh yeah fuck collecting cards i'm not ever collecting them it's not working i'm not getting shamed into it but park parking far away that i can get into health benefits you're walking more imagine if like you could you if there was an app where you could track how far away from the entrance you park every time and it adds it up and it goes and you walked an extra mile this week i'll be the mayor of parking town uh this hunt the parking hunt adds an estimated 350 dollars per driver in wasted time, fuel, emissions. $350?

What, a year? Yeah. Wow. You're blowing. You could buy half of a PlayStation 5 or 6 or whatever. New Pokemon cards with that. Get a Steam Deck, right? Driver's inability to estimate how long they need to park for forking over at a garage to avoid the risk of using a parking ticket.

Costs Americans more than $20 billion a year. Wow. Wow. How about that? To park in a garage? No. Because we're worried about street parking? Yeah.

I have tremendous parking anxiety. Why's that? Just I hate going to a downtown thing and I'm like, can I park? I have to read the signs 80 times. Just park three miles away. That's what I do. Basically. I'm not.

I'm going to try. I've parked on streets where even though I've read every sign or whatever else, I think the parking guys occasionally just go, I'm going to give this guy a ticket. Even though it's wrong, because the amount of time it will take him to fight it, he's just going to eat it anyway. 42% of U.S. respondents said they missed an appointment because of parking. 34% abandoned a trip because of parking. Abandoned a trip? I've done that.

Like a trip to the beach or something? Like to Pilates. I just get so enraged that I can't find parking because I'm cramming in there. There's a perfectly good spot two blocks away, three blocks away, and I think, oh, I'm going to squeeze this one out. They'll be a hotter girl the closer this bar is to closing. I'm not going gonna talk to this one yeah oh shit now i'm panicking driving around drenched in sweat it feels like a situation that

technology could fix and should fix like a parking app yeah a bot couldn't we couldn't we find a way that each parking spot has some sort of uh sensor, whether or not a car is actually there. Yeah. You know what? They have that. You know what they use it for? What? Resetting your meter.

Yeah. I've seen those. So they see if you leave. Right, right, right, right. And then they just, they wipe out your meter. To make sure that nobody can ever gain a small quarter. Yeah. You can never get a dollar over on the system.

Yeah. I hate being alive. And 23%, 23 percent experience road rage oh wow that's that's low that's very low that's my that's my problem yeah um parking in general is just the worst and i think i do i do like the idea that we all agree like hey why don't we let's all make a pact let's all make a pact we're gonna park as far away as possible from everywhere we're going that you get a feeling in your gut like i'm almost there that's when you're part you're not parking you're not mr cool pull up to the spot right in front kick your door and then you get because you get that feeling when you walk up to the place

Yeah, and you pass a spot. Oh, fuck But we shouldn't feel that we shouldn't feel that way. We should feel I can't believe I got a spot at the edge of the lot I'm the luckiest man in the world and there's and there's all these spots right next to it. How wonderful We've all got to brainwash ourselves like we did for covid I think you could make it like a social movement. You go on Twitter and someone, you know, hashtag Far Parker. And you got a picture. You're like, look at how far.

Farts Parker? Far Parker. No. Far Parker. I Far Parked. And you try to show off how far away you park. And you post a picture on Twitter. You tag it on like a special app.

Yeah, exactly. You like GPS it. Look at how far I am. Dude, look at this far park right now. I'm literally a mile away. I far parked that hardcore. One mile away from work today, bro. Yeah, dude.

Beat that. Far park. Beat that. Far parking. Far parking. Far park. I think you can work. I think you can make it a movement.

I like it. Yeah. You park in my driveway when you come over. I do. That's the opposite. Well, I only do that when there's a movement. I like it. Yeah. You park in my driveway when you come over. I do. That's the opposite. Well, I only do that when there's a spot. To be fair, I'm always late, and I'm like, I should probably just park.

I know, but no one else. There's like two or three people that park in the driveway. Yeah. That's a little like, don't you think that's a little presumptuous? Did that thought ever occur to you? Don't you only have one vehicle? No, both my girlfriend and I have cars. Oh, so she might come home, and I'm already parked there? Well, you don't know that, to you? Don't you only have one vehicle? No, both my girlfriend and I have cars. Oh, so she might come home and I'm already parked there? Well, you don't know that, do you?

What do you think? You think my girlfriend drives that big truck around? You think I let my girlfriend drive my truck around? Do I seem like that kind of man to you? I just saw the truck was parked on the side and I'm like, well, then I can park in the driveway. She's not coming home. Well, that's all true. The point is...

I shouldn't presume I should be far parking. I mean, I don't know. You're the only one who does it. Your street sucks for parking. It's like hard to- Does it? Yeah. There's tons of spots about seven blocks down.

Yeah, but you gotta turn around or whatever. All right, look, I'll far park. If you want to far park- Do you not want me to park in your driveway? I just think it's funny, that's all. I just realized that, because I went out there, the dog was alert. I was like, what the hell? So I went up there, and she's looking out the door.

I thought, oh, Vito parked in the fucking driveway. Like, he owns the place. He pulls right in. To be fair, I'm from Massachusetts, where you have legitimate driveways with a room for five or six cars. I'm sorry, you've got... How many cars do you think could fit in my driveway? Well, you do have that large carport

in your giant mansion with room for your 12 luxury cars. Count it out for me. Ah, ah, ah. You're not in Massachusetts anymore. You've got room for two cars in that driveway. I know, but I...

To be fair, I did park kind of towards the center, though, so probably kind of took the whole thing over. Okay. Do you have a problem for us? I do have a problem. Do you want to bring up my good friend, Little Amos?

Yeah. There you go. Oh, God. Little Amal. I'd like to tell you something about Little Amal. Okay. Just to lead us in. Little Amal is a little girl on a big journey dick oh god little

mall is the giant puppet at the heart of the walk traveling 800 kilometers in support of refugees what in 2021 this 3.5 meter tall living artwork of a young syrian refugee child will walk across turkey greece italy france switzerland germ Germany, Belgium, and the UK to focus attention on the urgent needs of young refugees. Okay. And look at that. Look at that inspiring puppet of this large child. For those of you who are only listening at home, she is a orange-faced, large-eyed doll with strange woven hair. She looks like a monster.

She's like a fucking monster. Standing. She's about 50 feet tall. Yeah, about 50 feet tall, standing over the children. She's not solid either. She's got like a rib cage like the Wicker Man. Look at this. Look at this shit. She's inspiring children everywhere.

Looks like there should be an American gladiator inside of her running around. She's disgusting. Ready for Powerball or whatever it is. The point is that not only am I disgusted by Little Amal, the giant puppet currently walking across Europe

to support refugee rights, I'm horrified by puppets in general, and puppets are my problem. I'm horrified by puppets in general, and puppets are my problem. I'm sorry. Puppets and the art of puppeteering. I thought you were going to say refugees. No, no.

Refugees are great. That makes sense. Puppets are terrible. Let's be real, Dick. Don't let this one puppet mess up your opinion of puppets. All puppets have always been a mistake. Okay, now look. This famed artistic nonsense from the Middle Ages,

the idea of a wooden character on dowels and rods performing little plays for children. Okay, it had its time. It had its time in the sun. You know what happened? We invented cartoons. Once we invented cartoons, that was the time to go well i guess we don't need these horrifying facsimiles of the human form that dance around

on marionette strings because we now have something that's far less horrifying and uh not interesting not entertaining just terrifying puppets Puppets. Yeah, puppets. Puppets are a crutch for bad comedy. Okay. He's saying Jeff Dunham. Jeff Dunham. Exploded terrorist is bad comedy. Yes.

You're laughing already. No, I'm not laughing. At the comedy of Jeff Dunham. Because it's terrible. Okay. Do you like Jeff Dunham's puppets? He's the funniest puppeter. Being the funniest puppeter is what? Like being the tallest midget?

Like who cares? Oh my god He comes Look This puppet's kind of racist Puppets can say whatever they want You can't But that doesn't mean that You can say all kinds of racist stuff as a puppet

That you can't say as a cartoon Cause that's just That's just Pretending that it a dare it's him saying it he's the one saying stupid prove it it's it's entertainment for people who are somehow unable to understand that just because a stupidly offensive thing comes out of a pink monkey's mouth, doesn't mean, oh, it's okay for me to laugh at it now. Who cares what the fucking monkey's name is? It's such, and it's such like, George Pink Floyd.

George Pink Floyd. It's such boring, stale humor that he just, because, oh, it's a puppet. It's funny now. Puppets can be all kinds of things. Puppets can be the champion for refugees. No, they can't. Puppets can be high art. No, they can't. Even

you or I could be a puppet. What's a high art puppet? Like being John Malkovich. Oh, okay. I think. Yeah. That part. Pretty much anything is a puppet. You, all the things you say are supplied by the Democratic Party. All of your ideas. Oh, so I'm

a puppet. Basically, yeah. Yeah, fantastic. Yeah. The problem is that only one guy gets to own puppets, and he's dead now. Jim Henson. He's the one guy who kind of made it work. Frank Oz.

And Frank Oz, I was going to mention Frank Oz, the other guy. So there's two guys. What about that guy that did Elmo? No. The black guy Yeah Yeah

Brains doesn't matter Didn't it Well didn't he come out That he's a sexual abuser Or someone accused him of that Hey Come on You know why

Cause all puppeteers Are mentally damaged individuals They're probably All sexual abusers But they wear it On their Then on their sleeves It is

It takes a sick individual To see A cartoonish felt man and say, I want to jam my hand up his ass and make it talk. I would give anything for that. You would give anything for the life of a puppeteer? Puppets are... You want to be the puppet?

Yeah. I want to be the puppet. I can say whatever I want. It's not interesting or funny. Look, here's the thing this it's the stuff here's the thing it's the stuff of a sideshow carnival attractions if it's a guy on the if it's like a homeless guy and he's figured out how to you know make a little skeleton out of a tin can and earn a couple bucks fine i'm sorry the problem is that we have children who are seeing puppets

fed this puppeteer's lifestyle who think it's gonna go anywhere oh i'm gonna entertain the children of the world with my puppet and it eventually leads to little amal a giant horrific monster of a syrian refugee child that's currently stampeding across europe horrifying children everywhere this is the natural evolution of where puppetry leads why do these people believe oh it's such a high and historic art form and I'm contributing to such a grand and wonderful thing by being a puppeteer and in the spirit of these great puppeteers

like Jim Henson, which you will never be because white people aren't allowed to be puppeteers that we've discussed before. For me? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. If you want to get a Jim Henson fellowship, you now need to be mexican

though oh you're mexican yeah sneak in there you're a woman we could get in there we could get in there we can apply for the jim henson uh puppet and all colors and then she's puppeting back from these clowns that's these refugees from these refugees that's the other thing i mean puppeting has clearly become a politicized landscape. And frankly, it always has been. I just think, you know, your kid comes to you and they go, I want to puppet. I want to become a puppeteer. You look him in the eye and you go, you slap him across the face and then you buy him an electric guitar. Why don't they accomplish a real, why don't you buy him a copy of Maya 3D Tune Boom and have him be an animator and actually, actually entertain children rather than horrify them.

You're telling me you'd rather have guys with acoustic guitars than a guy with puppets? Yes. You'd rather have a guy at a party playing Wonderwall? One out of a hundred guys

with acoustic guitars might write a good song. No puppeteer has ever contributed anything of cultural value to the world. Really? Puppets are...

You don't think Burt going, turning and making angry eyes is contributing jim henson's the one guy who had the the the understanding of the form who understood how to be subtle that's the other thing puppeteers aren't subtle look puppets are babies for men it's something that you can have in birth and raise on your own and teach to say what you want it to say the mark the measure of a society yeah is in how it's is in how it treats its puppets i really believe that because they're the most vulnerable the most oppressed we got guys

like you shitting on puppets all the time they had they need life breathed in them yeah you got to be careful with their eyes will get messed up every modern puppet is is horrifying you know i just watched a documentary it was uh on jurassic park yeah it's all about the guy who was gonna do the dinosaur puppets was so exciting yeah yeah and then thankfully some brave computer animators stepped in and they said we're gonna save the world from puppets and they invented computer graphics and that movie was a million times better because of it what is the difference thank god what's the difference yeah that it has it has actual computer puppets no no no it has actual craftsmanship it has soul to it it's not

just some insane dude who went through community college dancing his little puppets around and somehow and then eventually makes little amal that's what all these puppeteers want in their hearts they want to horrify the world with giant puppets they see this they see this monster child yeah and they're like yeah yeah that's the height of our craft can we kickstart an anti-anti-e puppet? A big puppet of Nick Fuentes that marches across and decks her like a fucking big Pacific Rim guy. If we could have an anti-Syrian refugee puppet, maybe I would

come around to the puppeteers, but the problem is You're saying Exosquad? That's no good? Like Exosuits are basically puppets. Alien 2 basically, all of the alien movies were puppets. No, no, no, no, no, no. Power loaders and exosuits are basically puppets Alien 2 that's not a puppet basically all of the alien movies were puppets no no no no no power loaders

and exoskeletons are not puppets the aliens in the movie the special effects oh the special effects that was a puppet that little guy that came out

gremlins you're saying oh my god gremlins used sparingly look there was a time when we didn't have other options, okay? And we had a couple guys who maybe could figure it out. But now there's no more need.

There's no more need. What are you going to get? Wasn't Jar Jar Binks a puppet? His mouth was a puppet. Computer guy. I think his mouth was a... No, he's a computer man. Yeah.

He's computers. We got to get... Computers are way worse. Okay, you're bringing in puppets? Yeah. I'm going to bring in computer graphics Fair enough In the future

Fair enough We'll see who thinks Look this is not just a movie special effects thing man It's just puppets in real life The fact Do you ever walk by like one of these boutique toy stores And they have puppets in the window that you could buy for your child I make my own puppets

It's horrifying I go to a bar Yeah I take my sock off, put it on, fucking draw little eyeballs on it, and just be an asshole right into it. The lowest form of comedy. The lowest form of comedy.

Oh, see, because I'm not saying it. Because my sock's saying it. It's different. Sock-o's saying it. Oh, man. He's got a real... Here comes Triumph, the insult comic dog. That never got stale. It didn't.

That stayed funny forever. Why are you so jealous of puppets? I'm not jealous. I'm sick. Because you like highbrow comedy? Yeah. Okay. Frankly, puppets are beneath me. Puppets aren't funny.

They aren't interesting. You're jealous of fucking puppets. I'm not jealous of this. Go hang out with little Amal all you want. This is horrifying. This is what puppetry leads to. That's a nasty puppet. That nasty puppet that's a nasty that's what every puppet looks like to me at this point they're all terrible uh all right so that's your i just i mean okay uh what was my what was my first problem something about science scientism scientism yeah scientism um really you got to just knock knock it out of these people people

feel good about themselves by believing by doing nothing by embracing their ignorance instead of just saying well i don't really understand it so i don't have i mean they just assume science is and has all the answers even if they never will understand what those answers are well they like the policy they They like what's happening. Somebody's convinced them. Somebody who also claims to speak on behalf of science has convinced an idiot that they... It's very flattering, you know?

Like, oh, you seem like a smart person and you understand science, right? Because you're so fucking smart. Well, let me tell you and me, buddy, it's such a sleazy sales pitch to see people believe that they believe science like they don't know they're ignorant yeah and dumb we should take their computer and phone away yeah well we should for believing too much in science uh prison rape. Prison rape. That's a good one. It's a big problem.

I don't know so high. More than 4 million rapes, Dick. Imagine. Imagine how many more are coming. If you went to prison, do you think you would be your white guy? Well, apparently I would be more subject to

inmate on inmate rape. I would be doing the right thing. I don't think people would rape me because it would make it too... I think I would be more subject to inmate on inmate rape. I would be doing the raping. I don't think people would rape me because it would make it too... I think I would crack jokes the whole time and they would stop having fun. Oh, yeah. Yeah. That's what...

I'd go, oh, Lodi! Oh, he's all up inside me! And they'd go, I can't do it. You'd make jokes while they're raping you? Yeah, yeah. Oh, that's a good idea. Because then they'd be like, I'm not into this anymore because he just keeps making big mama's house noises.

Oh, you keep sticking it all inside of me. Could you rape a guy who kept doing that? I don't think I could rape a guy. No. But definitely not. I think what they want is the submission. They want the, oh, my God, I can't believe you're doing it. Yeah. But definitely not. I think what they want is the submission. They want the, oh my god, I can't believe you're doing it. Yeah.

But I think if during rape you just start Do like an Ernie voice. Yeah. Oh, God, no, Bert. Oh, gee, Liz Bert. Oh, put it inside me. That's not how Ernie talks. No, I was doing Mickey Mouse there. I can't do it. I think they would like that. Do you think they'd like Mickey? Because it's high pitch, it's more

feminine. Yeah, it's more feminine Yeah You better watch it I'm gonna figure out A strategy And I'm gonna publish A book Jokes to escape prison rape

How come women don't do that? I think that there are ways To get out of rape That women are not employing I think being a really annoying bitch During rape Like a guy would just Stop

Whoa Whoa What? That's like saying I'm gonna turn it up to 11 Yeah I think being a really annoying bitch during rape, like a guy would just stop. Whoa. Whoa. What? That's like saying I'm going to turn it up to 11. Yeah. It doesn't go that, it doesn't go any higher. You just be like, oh my God, I can't believe you're doing this.

Is it in yet? Is it in yet? Oh, it feels terrible. Do you think, I would like to see this TED Talk. Here are the things women are not employing. Yeah. When they're being paid. To get away. Well, they always say, you know, they always say, well, why didn't you fight back?

The women go, oh, you don't understand, you know. I don't say that. Yeah, well, some people say, why didn't you put up a fight? I guess they're worried about violence. But I think if you're really funny, though, I mean, you could get a guy laughing. I can't remember. That's why women get raped.

They can't joke their way out of it. Do you think, is there a pool? Is there a betting pool for when Christine Chan gets penisized? Christine Chan is just going to probably choose to have sex with a bunch of guys. And they're going to scatter. Yeah. They're going to go like, boom, boom. You're trapped in here with me.

I mean, the problem with prison, though, is that there are a lot of other mentally ill people. I think Christine Chan will end up having sex with another mentally ill inmate. I saw this documentary, this prison documentary, where a guy had transitioned. Before transitioning was a thing. And it was like he had got on hormones or something and had boobs and was talking like a girl.

And that's what he did in prison. Right. Maybe Chris Chan will do something like that, which would be. Well, don't those guys want to have a bunch of sex? The ones who, you know, dress like women in prison. I don't know if, I don't know if they're able to. Yeah. Yes. Let're able to. Yeah. Yes.

Let's say yes. Yeah. A lot of people have been able to, you know, right now there's prisons you can say, hey, I've decided I'm transgender and I want to transfer to the prison where I'm far less likely to get raped. Seems like a good strategy. Yeah. Yeah.

To all our prison listeners. I can't believe you have no comment on the hamster thing. The Bella hamster thing. I haven't seen the documents. Check them out. I also don't want any part of this fucking... Everybody's so afraid. Everyone's mad at you.

Oh, yeah. Everyone hates me. Oh, yeah. Because you're Bella the hero, I believe you called her. Yeah. The journalist. Bella the journalist. Everyone really hates this about me.

Watch. I'll demonstrate Everyone's hated about me for my whole life. Oh wow What you're what you're talking about what you got here is bullshit That's a really cool thing you got too bad. It's bullshit Too bad. It's obviously retarded. I think that's real? Do you think that thing you have is real? Did she... What were the messages she sent? Did she like tell Chris Chan like,

hey, you should have sex with your mom? Was that a message? No, she got it out of him and then she's like, wow. So had he already done it? And then she found out. Yeah, he'd done it for like a month and told multiple people that he had an older girlfriend and was like hinting at it like, wow. Wow. So had he already done it? And then she found out about it? Yeah, he'd done it for like a month and told multiple people that he had an older girlfriend

and was like hinting at it like really hard. Jesus Christ. But it wasn't her being like, hey, you should fuck your mom. I mean, it had already happened. It had already happened. And then she was like, oh, you should keep doing it or something. Who the fuck knows? Yeah.

Who knows? Who knows? But everyone's wrong. All I know is you got somebody who stopped rapes. Yeah. And the problem is that they boiled hamsters. All I know is when somebody did a hundred things wrong, they probably did nothing wrong. Yeah.

When people do wrong stuff, it's usually one thing. Right. Like, what did Bill Cosby do? Oh, he drugged and raped all his women. Was that it? Yeah. Like, oh, what did Louis Cby do oh he drugged and raped all his women was that it yeah like oh what did uh what did louis ck do well he was like asking if a girl was like could if you could watch her masturbate and then like another time he was like yeah there's any different things

then he said like a paint yeah it's like oh yeah oh he did more than one thing that's the list the list the when when people come to you and you go what's wrong with this guy and they go well here's the list no and you go through it and it looks horrible because it's 100 different things but then if you read them it's like had a subscription to a porn website and you're like wait i don't understand how that's one of them they're like well that just proves that he's a sexual deviant you're like no see like there's like one or two maybe actual problems in here yeah there's a couple different guys that they've done that too i know boogie yeah everybody hates boogie and they have like a list but if you go through the list i'm like a lot of this is bullshit as to why you guys shot the gun until he shot the gun

he's on the shooting a gun that's yeah the other stuff was fine the other stuff was like yeah he paid for like prostitutes i'm like all right man oh he's like yeah helping girls through school what is the percentage of people who've paid for a prostitute i think it's actually pretty high well how many married men are there in the u.s yeah every single every single one of them has done it how many divorced men are there in the u.s i don't know um okay uh picky parkers picky parkers guys Guys Far parking We're far parking from now on And Puppets like Bert

Ernie Yoda Puppets like Smart Gremlin Donham Have you ever seen Terry Fatore? Do you know Terry Fatore? Is he a puppet?

Yeah he's in Las Vegas He does like a puppet thing No But his puppets all sing He's like a singer Cool And he's like a Christian thing no uh but his puppets all sing he's like a singer cool and he's and he's like a christian puppeteer too so like midway through his show that's supposed to be funny he starts singing about jesus and you're like oh no oh i've been tricked have you ever tried to buy

did you go to a show i did go to his show yeah we were well we were told yeah we were told oh it's like it's funny it's like one of those like jeff dunham like puppet things like yeah this could be whatever and instead it's just like you know it's jesus stuff uh once he started saying you know my agent told me that it's not good for me to be singing these songs you know but i don't care because i love america and whatever the fuck else and he starts singing about a dead kid going to heaven and meeting jesus and whatever else uh i think he actually he puts the puppets away for that. Here's the serious

part of the show. So he tricks you with puppets. There's gotta be common sense puppet control. And that's what I think every puppeteer is. They're all trying to trick you. No. Yeah. A lot of us are just trying to say racist stuff and get away with it.

No, but that is the trick. It's not a trick. It's not a trick. That's a trick. It's okay because the puppet said it. No, you're saying it. So... And then you rope us in and then you make us listen to this awful song about Jesus and horses and whatever the fuck.

Remember when they had airplane throw-up bags? They still have those? Yeah, the good puppet. I would always make a puppet of those. Oh my god. It's great's great brown paper bag um okay you know what what i know i'm going against my own point but i do have to say syphil and ollie okay what's that you ever saw syphil and ollie on mtv no you ever that song uh united states of whatever wow you are are behind on all of the great pop culture references of 2005. Oh, no. You'd know Cephalon Ollie if you saw it. Sorry.

The problem is that the good puppeteers get pushed down by stuff like Jeff Dunham. Yeah. They've ruined the craft. Irresponsible puppeting. No way. No way puppets is good. You got another negative coming your way, buddy. I think most people understand that puppets

are a crutch alright everybody this has been the biggest problem in the universe go to biggestproblem.show to vote things up

go to patreon.com slash biggest problem to support the show I've got some voicemails here wanna check these out

yes let's get these Patreon numbers up I wanna do I wanna do this show every week I don't know about you I'd make it happen

right now I'm just working on all sorts of stuff okay here we go hey Dick hey Vito, it's Christian from Texas Vito I was talking about blue alerts in Texas I've lived in Houston my entire life

I've never once received. Um, I've lived in Houston my entire life. I've never once received a blue alert. Uh, I've had, I started with an iPhone and then my fucking parents got me a Samsung. I ditched that. I got another iPhone. I was on the iPhone five and then I quit and I got a Google phone. What kind of story is this?

I have never once On any of these devices Ever Received a blue alert At least he told us The history of all the phones He's owned But um Yeah

I don't know I've never heard of this Blue alert shit See that's bullshit Cause like people were posting To you and me No no no no no We had people

Say that that's not true I've never received A blue alert Not true Shut've never received not true shut the fuck up true okay go ahead you saw people sent us screenshots of the blue alerts they're real i know but those could have been fake that guy's had a google phone and stuff he was saying no no yeah he's owned a bunch of different phones people were like no they are statewide because like dudes you know a cop would get shot like six hours away from them and it wakes him up in the middle of the night with like oh a cop got you know shot in the leg he's perfectly fine but we need everyone in texas to wake the fuck up and go find this one guy there's a guy wearing

pants looks like he just shot a cop everybody get up he's. There's one right there. Emergency alert. What does it say? Steven Wiggins. Armed and dangerous. Emergency alert. TBI issues. Blue alert for person of interest in the shooting of a middle Tennessee deputy this morning. People did send them. Yeah. I know that they exist.

The blue alert is real and it's coming everywhere. And somebody sent me a military guy alert. Oh, like a military shooting? Like a missing military guy. Oh, missing military member? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, fuck. I brought it.

Hold on. Let me see if I have it. What color was that? It was pitched as military. See, I should have just made the problem. Amber alerts. I don't know why I said it's okay for when kids do it Because I've changed my mind

It's not okay ever I don't care that your kid's missing I'm not going to find them Yeah Amber Alert type warning system Sought for army bases See I thought they already had it But they phrased it as A this is going to bridge the gap

Between Amber Alerts and Silver Alerts I was like wait so it's just that What the fuck An everybody alert? Yeah. What do you mean? How many people are getting misplaced? Why are military members missing?

Like what? Because they're off drinking? Like are we responsible? Probably shooting heroin. Yeah. More honest. Wait, wait. Amber Alerts style notifications for army bases

after a radicalized gunman killed service members and so basically anytime anything happens to one of these protected classes of people all of us got to know about it immediately the military's a correct correct protected class yeah well i guess if you know if you shoot like so like if like service members out drinking with his buddies and he gets in a fight and some punches in the mouth are you gonna send me you know an alert like hey there's a military guy got assaulted y'all need to know because no this is like we all line up and thank him for his service this is for extremists so if there's any kind of extremist so basically the government wants to control the sensationalized news you get yeah all the. So you're stressed out,

so you're more likely to believe in science. Science. You can swallow anything. That's what I think I see here. The point is these blue alerts are real. We were shown multiple examples. Yeah, they're real. Jackass.

Well, that guy, I don't think he owns all the phones. He seems to think he does. Here you go. You know what I think the biggest problem in the universe is? On-screen keyboards. They're either in alphabetical order which is stupid because i can't remember the alphabet or in the qwerty layout which is also stupid because no tv controller works properly to find all the numbers so when you're trying to put your netflix password in a brand new TV. It takes absolutely ages, and I'm sick and tired of it. Thank you.

Yeah, the whole put your password in and not just go to this link on your computer and approve it is really, I feel like that belongs in the two-factor authentication thing. You're saying the sites that haven't added the, hey, just go to the website link thing? Yeah, like video games I'll say, okay, here you go.

Go get your six digit code. All your usernames were taken and you can't use any profanity in anything close. Finally, you found one. Here is,

now in your password, here's a fucking keyboard and even though you have the entire real estate of the screen, you still have to press a button to switch to numbers or they've lined them all up like a fucking keyboard as though i as though i need to see the keyboard on the television to understand what i'm doing if i just saw letters

and like a number pad over here going this doesn't look like my laptop at all what am i oh my god what am i supposed to do now yeah um just link playstation.com slash don't fuck the screen keyboard are you fucking kidding me to enter your password and activate your account don't pretend like you can't do that there's a lot of ways they could save us some time okay here we go that there's a lot of ways they could save us some time okay here we go dick can you imagine getting in your car driving to the store walking in rolling up your sleeve and saying i'll take one vaccine please fucking idiots what the fuck is that is that the whole call? Yeah.

What's wrong with that? What, did you get the vaccine at like a CVS? That's a problem? I'll have a vaccine, please. That's not how you say it. You don't say that. What'd he say? Give me the jab?

Give me the jab. No, you go, hi, I'm here for the vaccine. I have an appointment. And they go, okay. Why don't you sit in this chair? You got one. They say thin. You got one. I got all three. Yeah, where'd you... in this chair You got one They say thin You got one

I got all three Yeah where'd you Shut up we got all three Where'd you get it done This alley Yeah you got it from One of the alley vans They ran out of cards too

So I gotta somehow Get a card Shut up And they didn't No I didn't get a vaccine I thought you got one now No I got COVID And then afterwards

You didn't say I'm gonna get the vaccine Just in case Why Would I get the vaccine just in case. Why would I get a vaccine for something I already had? All right. I hope you get every fucking variant. This is me believing in science going, just questioning basic questions. Why would I get a vaccine for something I just had?

Good. Why? Good. Good. Why? Good. Good. Why? Okay. It's fine. I ate dinner.

Oh, let me get some... Oh, man, I'm fucking starving. Let me get another dinner. I'm not hungry, but... When the Omega variant causes your body to collapse inward on itself like a dying star,

I'm going to be like, well, he made his choice. You're going to be happy. You're going to be fucking... I'm going to be happy. This is what a sick person you are because I'm asking normal questions happy, yeah. This is what a sick person you are, because I'm asking normal questions,

not getting good answers. You want me to get sick and die. Yeah. Even though you're protected. Yeah, because I want... You're totally protected. Yeah, but I want my gamble to pay off. I want to have the winning numbers. It has already paid off for you.

Yeah, but how great is it, you know, to just know you were that right how were you right you didn't invent the vaccine or come up with the idea of taking it the tv just told you to do it right but i went and i got it and then i get to watch like some conservative radio host in tennessee be like i should have got that vaccine oh i can't believe i didn't get my free vaccine. And then he dies and you're like, well, you know what I'm going to do? You should have played the numbers better. I'll show you. When the next, like, somebody who dies, who had the vaccine,

they got the vaccine and they still died, I'm going to hold a parade at their funeral. You could. You should. It's going to go, glad you died, moron. You should have got another vaccine, you fucking idiot. And I'm going to go, glad you died, moron. You should have got another vaccine, you fucking idiot. And I'm going to play History of Rock by Gary Glitter, and then I'm going to go to everybody at the funeral and say,

you know he was a pedophile, right? You know he was a pedophile, right? Yeah. Did you know that? Did you know he was, especially the kids. Yeah. And then they can't enjoy History of Rock Part 2 anymore. Yeah.

Exactly. Part 1's better. That's what of Rock Part 2 anymore. Yeah, exactly. Part 1's better. That's what I'm going to do. Yeah. Oh, you got the vaccine and you died because it's still happening. I think you got much better survival rates if you get the... And then we'll get a booster shot. Hook it right into my blood. I'm going to lose every episode, by the way.

Every episode where the vaccine comes up. Because people are just going to vote against me instinctively regardless. Okay. Because this is an anti-vax audience and that's fine. Not anti-vax. That's not anti-vax. I just already had COVID. They're anti this vax.

Just have some questions. I want to see how it plays out. If the FDA approved the vaccine Would you think anything of that? Well no because they said We're going to approve it in September I was like well then how is it Then what are you testing for?

Did they say they're definitely going to approve it already? Biding or somebody said like Oh yeah we're going to have it approved by September I'm like well wait a minute Then how is that safe? I think he's assuming I don't think it means that they definitely going to, we're going to have it approved by September. I'm like, well, wait a minute. Then how is it? How is it? How is that safe? I think he's assuming. I don't think it means that they definitely have to. They still test it.

They have a, they have a process, but how, if the process is there to stop dangerous things from happening, how are they saying, well, the process will be complete and it'll be safe. I think what he's saying is we're so confident in the scientific work

that has been done that we know because they've tested it in other ways. They just haven't put it through the official FDA process yet. What's the FDA process

if it's not injecting 100 million people with it? Every fucking thing that comes out of my mouth. Whatever, 40. Nobody get it. Fucking 2 billion people

around the face. Nobody get it. What if a puppet gave it to you? Would you get it then? Yeah. Yeah, I thought so. If a puppet did an ad for a vaccine, I would get it. Fucking two billion people around the thing. Nobody get it. What if a puppet gave it to you? Would you get it then? Yeah. Yeah, I thought so. If a puppet did an ad for a vaccine,

I would get it twice.