The Biggest Problem in the Universe - Episode 90
Episode Date: May 20, 2023The Myth of American Gun Violence, Parasocial Relationships, Having to Get Out of the Shower to Get Something, Arizona Inflation...
Transcript
Discussion (0)
Now wait, you gotta wait on the screen now for some reason.
What?
If you minimize the screen while going live, it doesn't work.
You're live.
Now do I have to wait for that to go away?
No, now you're actually live.
Huh.
What a juicy, juicy delight you gave me right before we started.
And I can't say anything.
Don't say anything.
Unless someone guesses it.
No.
With a super chat of $20.
Only then can I talk about it. We have other stuff
to talk about.
I gave Dick a juicy... Yeah, but you can't do that to me
because I have a disability where I can't
think of... If you tell me something
like that, I can't think of anything else.
No, everything... So I can't do the show.
It's not that big
a thing. I'm probably, you know,
thinking too hard about it. Look at this.
First of all all two problems
Yeah, I have white on white so I look like it. Yeah, I was gonna say that's weird
Remember that I was wearing white shorts when I was driving home. It's I got my stupid fish tank shirt
Yeah, and I was all excited to wear it on the show
So I washed it right and I take it out of the fucking dryer
And it's got a big fucking smudge on it weird like yellowish stain on there I don't know if people can see it
it's all over it how did that happen if you just got it I just got it I opened the bag and put it
into the washing machine you wash a brand new shirt when you get it yeah otherwise it's all
like it has creases and it's itchy. Weird. It's itchy. Okay.
Well, this sucks.
I was going to say, like, maybe that's on purpose.
Maybe they pre-stained them.
You think they pre-stained it?
You think Frank hassled my shirt?
Like the Pope, how he blesses everything in the gift shop? I mean, what name was on the package?
Was your name on the package?
Yeah.
So maybe you got hassled.
Maybe they said, oh, it's going to dick.
Let's wipe our ass with it.
You think it's ass on my shirt that I got?
That's a weird stain.
Well, fucking great.
You think of ass right away when you see my new shirt?
I mean, I've been watching that show.
All they do is piss and spit on each other.
Look, it's all over it.
This was like a $40 white shirt.
I thought I was going to look like a black guy and have like a
crisp white shirt was there something in your dryer that got on it no what would be in a dryer
i don't know my other clothes are in there just fine god damn it there aren't yeah it is weirdly
stained i think they punked you man it's all over here too yeah it's right under the little fish a
little bit oh my god so I gotta wash it again
Yeah, I think you gotta take like a tide stick and go over the stains and get a match
You ever get those little like you rub on the stain and
Yeah, I have a tide stick a tide stick, but then it will make one thing look like bleach. So it looks like you come
It's why it'll look fine. It doesn't look good if you use a tied stick. Kelly Ripper, whatever that bitch is. How much was that shirt actually?
Was that shirt actually $40?
Like $40.
Yeah.
I bought it before my plumbing all went bad.
I'm going to take a picture of it and make them for $20.
Kildos or that industry just get bootleg fish tank merch.
This sucks.
Yeah.
Why didn't you get the Josie shirt like Tony from Hack the Movies?
Fuck Josie.
Fuck people who like Josie.
Have you seen he's been getting ripped apart because he's like the poster boink?
Of Josie-ing?
Yeah, they have a picture of him wearing the Josie stimming shirt and everybody's going,
Oh, this is what Josie fans look like.
And it's always Tony for Hack the Movies.
Why don't you stim my nuts, you bitch?
How about that?
Fucking ting-tang walla-walla bing-bang all night.
I would have gone in there and smashed that shit.
What's the deal with this?
Straighten up,
you fucking puzzle piece.
What's the deal with this airsoft fatty guy?
Why does he just get naked and break stuff?
Cause he's fat.
You should do that.
Whoa.
Audio,
audio clipped there for a second.
Still good.
Still recording.
I wasn't recording at all.
That's why.
Oh, okay.
Well.
It's just fucking.
Well, now it's recording.
It's like I'm doing more fucking audio work tonight.
Yeah, you're going to have to pull it from the show.
And probably our YouTube will get banned, so you won't even be able to do that.
So.
Oh, hey, yeah, that thing.
I mean, we're going gonna talk about it at some point
It's the greatest thing that ever happened to me
Are we saving that? Let's save that
I thought so you're just saying you can't
I can't talk about stuff you're saying but you can
Talk about whatever you want that's happening to me
Well I didn't say you know
It just kind of came up naturally
You volunteered it
Well I realize now that our YouTube channel
Is definitely going away in like the next six months and it's going to be your fault.
But that's fine.
How is it my fault?
I didn't even do anything that bad.
I didn't even do anything bad.
I know you didn't.
You might still get your channel back.
Yeah.
Did you launch another appeal?
Yeah, I just typed the N word until it said there's no more characters.
That's not useful.
Don't do that.
Then I did a robo lawsuit lawsuit You know that do not pay thing
You can file robot lawsuits against people
That's not gonna work
What else am I gonna do?
I got my own, you got Indian guys
I got fucking robots, let's see
Who's gonna fight in the streets
To figure out who's right and who's wrong
Well, I think.
I mean, are we just talking about it now?
You want to start the show?
What are we doing?
Let's start the show.
Start the show.
It's already ruined.
Yeah, it's all ruined.
Your shirt's ruined.
The show's ruined.
I mean, come on, man.
What could I have put in the washing machine that would cause this?
I think they fucked with your shirt and then they sent it to you.
Well, that sucks.
I should have put a different name on there Yeah you probably should have
Sam Hyde's probably laughing
Cause Dick's wearing his piss shirt
For a full episode
At least you washed it before you put it on
Maybe it was smart that you did that
It just looks like piss instead of actually being piss
Piss would go in a blotch though
This is like smears maybe they took
like a little sponge and they dipped it in piss and they kind of they are smears yeah what do i
gotta do how do i fix this i think you gotta i gotta talk to the manager well i gotta talk to
jet i think you could maybe send him a message to go hey what's the deal what's the deal yeah
someone shit all over my shirt shit all. Someone shit all over my shirt.
Someone shit all over my fish tank shirt.
Someone got smudged all over my shirt.
And he's a little smudged up.
It's a little too big, too.
I should have got it large.
I was going to say, it looks a little big on you.
I was fat when I bought it.
Did you lose weight?
Yeah, I lost like probably 20 pounds.
Yeah, me too.
Oh, yeah?
No, I have no idea.
You don't weigh yourself?
No.
I got to scale upstairs.
Go do it.
Let's weigh you every week.
See how that...
How that will go over here or whatever the fuck.
I don't even remember what it's called now.
Semi-glutide?
Yeah, I forgot to inject it.
I think I'm overdue.
You forgot to do your magical weight loss medicine?
Are you serious?
You couldn't even be asked to do that?
They invented a fucking magical.
They invented a magical cure for fatness.
And all you have to do is inject it.
And it makes you not eat and shed weight like a prize fighter.
And you couldn't even do that.
I'm really just, I can't remember to do shit.
I got to figure it out. This is the only thing I can't remember to do shit. I got to figure it out.
This is the only thing I can remember to do every week.
I have all these alarms and they go off and I don't know what they're for.
Well, you got to title them.
Yeah, but I don't know, man.
Fan, please email Vito every day at 6 p.m.
Telling him to take his fat person shot.
But I'll be asleep at 6 p.m.
It'll be like 10 p.m.
I don't know.
No, it's just like it always changes.
Everyone email Vito all day And tell him to take his shot
This week's been
All over the place
I had to go on OAN
At 9am
And then I have to go on
Fucking other shows
Later
What kind of other shows
Did you go on?
Alex Stein
I don't want to talk about it
Yeah alright
Some people said that it was fun
I don't know
Biggest
Problem
In
The Universe
Welcome to the biggest problem in the universe
The only show that ranks every problem
In the universe
Fuck, and I had a rhyme and I forgot it.
I wrote it down on the notes thing and it didn't make it over the computer notes thing.
I'm your host, Nick Vastich.
I didn't forget it, though.
I'm joining me as always, Vito Giswaldi.
I had a good one.
Oh, no, wait, I didn't have a good one.
Women in Star Wars to Ripping Up All My Floors.
That's my... That's pretty good. Pretty good. It's okay. How you been? I didn't have a good one. Women in Star Wars to ripping up all my floors.
That's my... That's pretty good.
Pretty good.
It's okay.
How you been?
Star whores is what that problem should have been.
It's a little much.
It's a little much.
It's like a you way to do it.
That's a little much.
It's not an EVS way.
Everybody loves that guy.
Well, not everybody loves that guy, but yes.
Not everyone loves EVS?
What do you mean?
Can you move that mic for a second?
I gotta zoom in
Like I said
I gotta re-zoom in
I went on a
Okay
Yeah
No I'm way too big
You're way too big?
Alright how about that?
Yeah that's probably better
Well still move the mic though
I gotta focus it on you
It's focused
There you go
No it's slightly different
You can't tell
Cause you're wearing those
Fucking nerd glasses
That you got on
I went on another show
With these guys
And they were like mad
That I had Ethan on our show
Cause they're like
Lefty comic fandom guys
Or whatever
They don't even like that a guy is like making comics
Minding his own business like Eric July
Shut up
That's where it gets complicated
No they think Ethan
I mean I get it he's got like Politics that people don't like think They think Ethan I mean I get it
He's got like
Politics that people
Don't like
And
Yeah
I just think Ethan's
Smarter than most of
Those guys in that sphere
Yeah
Like there are guys
In that sphere I think
Who are like legitimately
Like yeah
There shouldn't be any
Gay comic characters
Gay people are evil
Blah blah blah
I'm like
I don't think
I got bad news for you buddy
They're all gay
And so are you
For reading comics.
It's all very complicated.
It's been it's been a weird fucking week, man.
Really?
Yeah.
Okay.
Why?
Because I got like, you know, left wing guys lecturing me for having Ethan on the show.
And then I'm going on One America News Network.
And I'm like, Do I belong here?
Am I supposed to be here?
And I'm just like
I just
I don't understand politics
Oh
It's a
It's a
Anything goes contest for resources
That's what it is
Let me help you out
I just wanna like
It's a bunch of lying
For resources
I just really wanna make a fun comic
But I feel like
If I just did that
Nobody would care
You know
I'm having this existential crisis
Your whole comic thing
Just makes me never want to make a comic
Like
If you're listening to this show
And you wanted to make a comic
Because you thought it would be fun and cool
Just like don't
Well I thought it would be fun and cool
And then like
It became
This whole fucking thing And I'm fighting with eric july
you are doing that i'm trying not to why don't you just say nice things for a week i'll try
and you're not taking your fat medicine i'll take my fat medicine and i'm just really confused
okay i don't know if i like i don't think you could survive a day in my world medicine. I'll take my fab medicine. I'm just really confused. Okay.
I don't know if I like... I don't think you could
survive a day in my world. No.
With the amount of actual hardships I have
to endure. Yeah. Like my YouTube channel
getting canceled. Right.
My plumbing being destroyed. My shirt having
a big stain on it that I didn't put there.
There's a big difference. Yeah, but
I think you know who you are.
You know? You're like, I'm Dick Masterson.
I'm this guy.
I'm on Cozy.
Yeah.
I'm on Cozy.
I'm having fun with Nick Fuentes.
Yeah.
And I go.
YouTube deleted all my videos, too.
I had like six million videos there deleted.
Yeah.
Honestly, I feel like I'm more upset about that than you are.
Maybe you're just handling it really well or wearing a mask.
I don't give a shit.
Why not?
I don't care about it.
That's sad.
Sad for whom?
I'm sad that your channel got deleted.
It bums me out.
Don't be bummed out.
It bums me out because I hate this idea that these tech companies have that power
me out because i i hate this idea that these tech companies have that power to just immediately decide that all this hard work you've done is just new garbage and crash because an algorithm
decided or guess what i'm coming to kill them i mean i stop you're gonna get this fucking show
stop i'm trying i am always all the time trying to fuck up their democratic, liberal, tyrannical stranglehold over the country.
Yeah, of course they fucking cancel my shit.
I'm doing that at all times.
Of course the bank's fucking doing that all the time.
I'm anti them.
Fuck them.
So surprise, surprise.
They fucked me.
And all the people working there, every fat bitch working there, every fucking moron reporting
me to, I'm coming for all of you.
Keep going. Let's go. You want a war?
You fucking got one.
I guess I just don't have your fortitude.
I wouldn't be able to handle it.
If my YouTube channel
gets deleted, I don't know what happens.
Crying. No one's getting a comic.
That's what will happen.
I don't know if I would I don't know if I would cry
I didn't cry when my Twitter got deleted
I was just really like
God damn it
Yeah
It's just like constant
You're just trying to make stuff
And you just want to be able to go to a human being
And be like
Listen man
I just want to make people laugh
I just want people to have fun
I don't
I want to hurt people
I want to hurt their feelings
So they feel bad about saying what they have to say and
what they think so that I can take their resources because that's the game we're in.
Did you really get knocked for the Transformers thing or is that a different thing?
Yeah, I got knocked for that.
I got knocked for everything.
That was a copyright strike they hit you with for that?
They hit me with copyright.
They hit me with, yeah, copyright strike for that.
And then the final strike was Tess Holliday. I got unbanned and then I got re-banned an hour later the final strike was uh Tess Holliday I got
unbanned and then I got reband an hour later for making fun of Tess Holliday the very first fat
watch if you can believe that they said that was harassment that's harassment yeah I agree but
she's the one doing it she's harassing all of us with her fatness she's a like a rich famous person
right doesn't she have money she has anorexia.
Yeah.
Oh, she obviously has money.
Look at the size of her.
But she's a public figure.
She eats six dinners a day.
She's a public figure.
Vito.
You can criticize public.
Here's the thing.
Not like I do, you can't.
Not like I do.
Okay.
I don't, I don't, I don't.
Like, I'm terrified.
And you're just like, I guess just run with it.
You're like, fine with it.
That's what tyranny is.
It's terror.
They are intending to inflict terror and harm.
Yeah.
I'm constantly in fear for my, my livelihood.
Yeah.
You think like begging and explaining to them is going to work?
No.
All right, fine.
I'm going on cozy.
Guess what?
I'm going to say even worse stuff.
Well, you going on cozy is going to be a real challenge for a number of reasons.
But you know what?
I can't fault you for it.
You gotta go somewhere, right?
They picked a good picture of me for cozy.
They did. It was a really nice picture.
Adam 22 screwed me.
I hope the Groypers like us.
I don't know. There's gonna be...
They're not gonna like a lot of my nihilism and stuff, but...
They're not gonna like...
Well, they're Christian, right?
Or they're Catholic? I don't know.
They're religious guys.
We all hate women.
That's what's important. Guys, don't know they're religious women that's what's
important guys don't you know yeah maybe i'm not so fan much a fan of god and stuff but let's all
remember what's important that's why that's remember what got us here yeah women you you're
always like i forget what it was you're like asking me something you're like why are you the
way you are and i'm like because i'm just convinced that at any point it just ends and you're in a ditch and you die.
Yeah.
Yeah.
So that's like, you're like, why aren't you like excited about your comic?
And I'm like, yes.
In the like immediate short term, this is, this is good.
And this is great.
And don't forget, we're almost at $35,000 on Indiegogo.
That's nothing compared to what Ethan said you should be at, though.
Well.
He said $100,000 or less.
That's definitely not happening.
It would be if you apologized to Eric July and got on his stream.
Well, I'm not going to get on his stream.
Maybe you would.
I don't know what to say about Eric July.
I can appreciate that he made a comic.
That's it.
That's like the most condescending thing I've ever heard.
I don't know what to say anymore.
Well, you tried.
That cake in The Simpsons.
Well, you tried.
Then he puts it in the, yeah.
This is going to be a weird show.
I've got a lot of emotions just to float around.
Let's do the, uh...
Who's winning?
You're acting like your YouTube channel got cancelled.
Uh, land acknowledgements, number one.
It feels like my YouTube channel got cancelled.
Yeah.
I feel you, see you say I don't have any empathy, but I do, for a situation I can actually understand.
Yeah, but you're just feeling it for yourself.
You don't empathize with me You feel like it happened to you
I do empathize with you
Like I'm sad
And your audience
And like all the comments
That were on the videos
And all the
The history that's there
Who cares
Some of that stuff
I care
I don't know
It's just sad
That it's just gone
Like some
Some fucking robot
Decided
A woman
Decided
Worst than a robot
Probably a woman The robot said it was fine And a woman decided. Worse than a robot. Probably a woman.
The robot said it was fine.
And a woman came in and gobbled it up.
If I were you, I would be profoundly sad about the situation.
I guess you're making the most of it.
You're also going to be on Rumble or something?
Yeah, Rumble 2.
Okay.
Yeah.
Okay.
So who won?
Land Acknowledgements, you won.
My bitch realtor
Number two
And then Women in Star Wars
Third
That's too bad for Ethan
EVS
Well I think he was learning
The rules of the show
And maybe
We'll have him back
Chris Hyde says
Natives in Washington State
Always get time
At ribbon cuttings
And parades
To fuck around
Shouting and hitting drums
Like Yoko Ono
So fucking annoying.
Man, they did that at Burning Man this year.
They had this whole, like...
A little ceremony?
Yeah, for natives to dance and do drums and shit.
It was really crass.
It was, like, worse than blackface in a way.
Yeah.
Because at least, like, blackface is, you know, funny.
Like, everyone knows why blackface is done.
I don't need to explain it.
But then instead of that, it's, like, worse to just, oh, no,
we actually are just bringing black people in here to do this, right?
Like, that's way worse.
Bringing the natives out there in this hellscape to, like,
for the pleasure of a bunch of privileged yuppie drug addicts.
Is everyone just, like, standing there and sitting, clapping?
Yeah. Wow, this is so much.
They're so in tune with the earth. It's kind of like
a fucking petting zoo.
Yeah, exactly.
Adrian says, Vito, pussying out
on going to the WGA strike
to counter protest was a huge
lost opportunity on a
potentially great bit. Dick
describing you guys dressing up as robots
with signs had me in tears for shame veto i will do the bit and you'll do it now if i can do it
under protest i'm sure yeah yeah somebody you gotta get somebody else to film it though because
i don't want you know okay is there a guy who will do it maybe uh mr go ahead well i'm thinking
the video is funny if you're like we're gonna go get
those writers and I'm like I'm doing this
out of protest I don't
agree with the sentiment but I do
agree with the comedic spirit I understand
the joke and it is funny
Mr. Graphixable
man I'm so happy this show exists
me too but make sure you
super chat that don't just waste it in a comment
make sure you subscribe Because YouTube's gonna
Or uh
Make sure you
Hit up the Patreon
Yeah
Because that's the only way to find us
After Dick gets in
With his new cozy buddies
And they flood the fucking chat
Yeah cool
With 1488 super chats
Or whatever the fuck
What's that mean?
You know what it means
Um
Oh that's
Oh yeah okay Um Not a mark my sister graduated from college recently and the
dean said that we like to recognize this land belong to whatever made up tribe i'm sure the
majority of non-americans in the audience really gave a shit good and relatable problem veto oh is
he saying that's bad he's saying no i think he's saying I think he agrees with me
Is he being sarcastic
At the end there
I can't tell
Because he said it happened to them
And then he said
That
It's not relatable
Or it is relatable
I think he's saying
It is relatable
Okay well
A good and relatable problem
Vito
Okay
Imperial fool
Being Native American
And getting our farm
Expropriated
Has been
An awful and hilarious experience,
especially when they start the expropriation meetings by acknowledging the tribes that were kicked off the land while kicking us off it again.
Makes you really want to buy 45 tons of fertilizer.
Wait, why are they expropriating your shit?
Is that like government seizure or something?
Yeah, banks.
Have you ever noticed how like Warren Buffett's always big on the estate tax?
Yeah.
That's so banks will tax the heirs of farms and then he can come in and buy the whole fucking farm.
Yeah, because you can't, like, if you have a farm, you're razor thin margins.
Yeah.
Passing it on to your kids is like you have to pay tax on now, like, a value of land that's like $500,000.
Right.
Which you can't do.
Yeah, you don't have that money.
So they take it away from you.
Oh, that's horrifying.
And then while they're taking it away from you, they say,
I just want to acknowledge that we're here.
The Wapakamoke who once famously owned this shit.
They look like this guy over here.
We're taking his farm.
The hellscape.
What the fuck's going on, man?
I just want to buy a house, and these billionaires keep making it impossible.
I want to be a homeowner.
I'm sorry.
Who makes it impossible?
The billionaires.
Who do you want me to say the Democrats?
Is that the correct answer?
Well, the Republicans aren't giving out houses either.
Let's see, last one.
David Gomez.
God, Ethan wants his stuff to mean so much.
Escapism in media is lost on these trad F slurs.
What does that mean?
I think he was saying Ethan was taking it too seriously,
that he was saying like,
he wants his stuff to be a legacy.
He wants to leave a legacy with his work.
That's the point of art.
Every artist.
So what were you thinking when you painted this season,
the Sistine chapel?
I just like,
you know,
it out for fun. thought it'd be cool.
You know, guys like,
and then Adam's like, whoa!
No one ever thought of that before.
I mean, there's some of that, but I think, yeah,
if you're sinking your entire life into a creative
work, you hope that it's
something that resonates with people on a
deeper level.
That's a fucked up thing to say to Ethan.
It's a fucked up thing to think.
Oh, you want people to think your book's like so good.
Like, yeah.
You want people to connect and like have happiness in their life.
What a fucking loser.
What a fucking idiot.
That's the most nihilistic fucked comment ever.
Oh, you made something with your hands.
You want people to be inspired by it?
Escapism, guys, right?
Jesus.
I work 18 hours a day.
Look at this fucking loser trying to inspire people.
God, can you imagine building a language of metaphors to communicate with other people about death and loss
and the nature
Of the intransigence
Of man
What a fucking nerd
What a jackass
We really live in like a
Look guys like
I know you gotta be
A little nihilistic
To get through
This fucked time
We live in
I get it
But like
At the point you're going
Man art is for F slurs
Like you've lost the game
Alright
He's not even saying that.
He's saying,
God, he wants it to mean so...
Capitalize so. He wants it to
mean so much.
It's gay to create
something that inspires, you
know, and...
Whatever, man. This is nuts.
Brasive says, Vito is so butthurt
about Eric July, he can hardly even fabricate a plausible
argument for why.
Because you're so butthurt.
I think I gaslit Ethan Van Shiver.
Look, the real problem is that a guy who can't write got a bunch of money.
That's it.
I don't know why you didn't say that.
When he asked you, you started going off.
I'm like, wait, the problem is that he can't make a good comic book.
Well, because there's other problems.
Because, like, I'm at odds where I go, look, I want there to be, like, independent success for people.
And I am, like, upset when people go, well, here's the indie king.
And I'm like, yeah, but not this.
This is dog shit.
Right.
Like, why don't you guys find.
And I think Ethan makes good stuff.
He knows how to fucking draw and he knows how to make a comic yeah yeah yeah there's just and it's not even jealousy from me because i don't think i'm
made i don't know whatever i think he got picked as the savior because he's friends with all these
douchebags and they promote him everywhere and i go yeah but he sucks yeah he just sucks can it be
anyone else it's not that yeah could be somebody with Can it be a black guy
That's like good at
I don't even care
If you pick
Writing comics
Like a weird homophobic
Libertarian black guy
Just pick one who can like
Write a really cool comic
And I'll go
Well that is a really cool comic
You made
I can't even argue with it
Yeah
Like Ender's Game
Yeah
Like that's awesome
Yeah
And that guy just fucking
Is like gay marriage
Is the worst fucking thing
That ever happened to anybody
I'm like well I made
Ender's Game
Take off the gay part
I agree with you.
Yeah.
Okay, this is sent in by your mom.
I should just be more straightforward.
I should stop overthinking things.
My problem with Isam is that it sucks.
Brevity is the soul of levity.
Have you ever heard that?
Yeah, I hear that.
A great man came up with that one
I have problems with Eric July
Unrelated to the fact that his comic sucks
But his comic also sucks
It's black, but his comic also
It's not because he's black
Here is a clip that was sent in by YourMom420
Alright
This is from my
A long time ago
A clip from my show
Yeah, here
I had a little, you know
Like video wax in your ear.
I go through Q-tips like crazy.
I go through Q-tips like crazy.
Why is that?
Because you got so many cats, right?
That's not secret.
I'm pretty sure I've brought that up here before.
I have a box of Q-tips on my desk always.
And I have to hide them whenever I...
He got you.
He busted you with his sleuthing
He busted you
Dropping clues like a serial killer
About your weird proclivities
With Q-tips
There was one year
Like three years ago
Where I got like
Like four ear infections in a row
And I don't know what I was doing wrong
So I just now always have Q-tips
And every time I take a shower
I obsessively Make sure my ears have no moisture remaining in them
Because it was the most painful and excruciating
Have you had an ear infection any time?
I don't think so
Oh my, dude, I wanted to stab my ears out
It was like, I did not fathom that it could be that painful
It was crazy
Oh, wow
Just like a literal stabbing in my ear
and I'm like, it felt like someone was stabbing
my ear. Let me ask you something.
When you masturbate
the cats with a Q-tip, do you use the same
Q-tip in your ear? Yeah.
Oh, that might be the problem.
Darn.
That's the same
reason I bought that ear
camera. Did you get an ear camera?
Yeah, yeah, yeah
Yeah, it's fun, right?
It is fun
Once
Did you find anything in there?
A lot
Wait, you had a lot of weird fucking wax in your ear?
It wasn't weird wax
It was normal wax
Well, you ever watch the videos on like YouTube
Where they got like crazy amounts of wax
And the guy's gotta use like crazy tweezers to pull it out and stuff
Oh, dude, those videos are awesome
That's part of why I got the camera
But that was the weirdest thing is I kept getting ear infections
No there was like nothing in there
So I was like what the fuck am I even getting ear infections for
I put it in my dick hole after that
When I talk about weird
I found some weird stuff in there
I did put it on my nose just to see what it looks like
And it was weird
It was
Those spy cameras those things are cool Well you're the big winner this week I put it on my nose just to see what it looks like, and it was weird. It was? Yeah. Okay.
Those spy cameras, those things are cool.
Well, you're the big winner this week.
I'm the winner.
And I left my phone in a non-phone area, so I can't order another drink.
This is going to be a rough one.
Fantastic.
Well, Dick, my problem is a problem that's actually right here.
As we can see, the beautiful Arizona can.
This is the iced tea with peach flavor.
Pretty good.
Yeah.
This might be my, you know what?
I don't normally get the peach tea, but I'm going to say this might be my new favorite flavor.
Okay.
What I love about the Arizona can, as you can see, it is a great buy.
99 cents.
Right there.
99 cents.
Yeah, it's just corn, oil, trash. 99 cents. there 99 cents Yeah it's just Corn
Oil
Trash
Well
Shouldn't be more than that
No it shouldn't
It's premium
Well it's
Paid for by the government
It is a premium
Brewed blend of black teas
Using filtered water
Yeah
Okay
High fructose corn syrup
Whatever
Citric acid
Natural peach flavor
Perfect
Look these are delicious.
You don't like an Arizona tea?
It's sugar water.
No, I don't like drinking that shit.
It's like even thinking about the taste of it.
You're lost.
How do you drink so much of it?
What do you mean so much?
This is how many ounces?
23 fluid ounces.
Oh, my God.
And it's a great buy at 99 cents.
But as I discovered today at the Egg Roll King, some retailers aren't playing by the rules.
Even though it says it on the can.
Arizona iced tea, $2.49.
$2.49.
Dick, my problem is artificial Arizona inflation.
This is an outrage.
It's not the first time I've encountered it, and it will not be the last.
Okay.
Retailers are trying to take a beloved American institution and gouge the consumer.
Yeah.
Knowing that we go, it says it right on the can.
When I go, let me get one of those Arizona teas in my mind.
I don't expect any surprise markup to be hitting me at the register.
She gave me the total.
I did a double take.
I asked for a printed receipt.
I had to know what has happened.
You know why?
Because Arizona is a great American company.
It's family owned by the Vigados.
Okay.
Just a bunch of weird Italians, I believe.
Is that Italian or Greek?
I don't know.
Is that different?
It was a guy.
He ran a delivery company, and he saw that even in winter, people were drinking Snapples
like crazy.
They loved...
This is a real story.
Yeah, he ripped off Snapple.
It's not really a great story
He ripped off
And I would say elevated
The Ice-T game
Okay
By introducing the Arizona brand
Which is beloved
What is so beloved about the Arizona brand
Well it's the fact that they keep their prices low
Since 1990
I had the year But this is 1992 that they keep their prices low since 1990.
I had the year, but this is 1992.
Arizona's been around.
Even now in a time of great inflation, Dick,
did you know the price of aluminum has doubled in the past 18 months?
Doubled the price of aluminum.
The price of high fructose corn syrup has tripled since 2000.
And gas prices are pumping up delivery costs across the nation.
And yet, the Vagados
keep it at an affordable 99 cents.
It should be $9 a can.
No, no.
Just because you would pay it.
No, I wouldn't. That's what it should be. That's can. No, no. Just because you would pay it. No, I wouldn't.
That's what it should be.
That's what they said about cigarettes.
Everybody said, oh, these are two bucks a pack.
There's no way I'm going to pay it.
And then.
The Vigados care about us.
But they've also been very shrewd businessmen.
They've managed to maintain a less than a dollar price point by focusing on efficiency.
to maintain a less than a dollar price point by focusing on efficiency.
They pack their recycled aluminum cans
and their cans use about half the aluminum
of other competing beverage companies
at twice the speed they did in the 90s.
And they also only ship the tea
in lightweight trucks at night
to avoid traffic slowdowns.
This is how they make it 99 cents?
Is that the fucking point of this?
They ship it at night.
Book report that you're reading?
By lowering the cost of production and shipping, Arizona passes the savings on to you.
They also save a fortune because they don't need to advertise.
Oh, yeah, clearly, because you guys will fucking talk about it nonstop.
There's no stupid, what do you call it, guy on the can telling you,
LeBron James telling you to guzzle it down. They don't need to pay fancy celebrities to
get the word out. People know about the value. Okay. So what? Your Chinese store overcharged
you for Arizona iced tea and you're upset about it? Yes. You could just drink water.
It's free.
Well, I like Arizona.
I had notes that the company is so devoted to this 99 cent price point that they actually
have a hashtag campaign, keep the 99, where consumers can send them pictures of marked
up cans.
That's why they print it on the can.
They don't want them to mark it up.
Well, I'm sure.
And yet these...
Yeah, keep it cheaper than everything else
so people keep drinking this slop.
It's not slop.
It's the same thing.
It's literally slop.
What are you drinking?
Whiskey.
With?
Diet Coke.
Oh, okay.
So Diet Coke is fine.
No, the whiskey is the part that I'm drinking.
Diet Coke is like a time machine.
Why don't you have a whiskey and water?
Water?
Yeah. I don't know. Maybe I
should.
You could.
It would look like piss.
I don't want to look like somebody
who looks all over your shirt.
Point is, Dick, the Arizona company cares about the consumer,
and clearly these greedy retailers do not.
I don't know.
Have you seen the famous, I think it was an episode of,
what's that show that black guy did?
Too Frat for 15.
Is that what show you're thinking of?
My 600-lb Life.
Hey, I hate this.
1,000-lb Sisters.
What show are you thinking about? Donald Glo-pound life? I hate this. A Thousand-Pound Sisters? What show are you thinking about?
Donald Glover.
Community?
No, the other one. His show.
Not Detroit. Detroiters?
No, it had the name of Atlanta.
That was the name of his show, right?
Oh, Atlanta? I think so. It was about
black people living with white people.
Get around. One black
man takes... That's Atlanta for you.
Yeah.
I think that I didn't watch it.
Birmingham, Alabama.
And there's like a black guy.
You think this is racism, boy?
You ought to see Back in the Party.
No, that's not what the show was at all.
I don't know how you determine...
And then an even older black guy comes up and goes,
That wasn't even racism back in the party.
Oh, wow.
I haven't seen this shit before.
Thanks, Donald Glover.
Oh, man.
America's so racist.
Oh, wow.
I'm glad that you know.
It must be so hard.
Every black sitcom has been determined by you.
Point is.
Let's go down to the writer's strike and pitch that show.
You want to go to the writer's strike and pitch ideas?
The whole show is like Quantum Leap, but black guys where a black guy complains and an older
black guy comes in Like well actually
I'm from fucking
The year 1100
And I'm on it
Right
We should be fun
We should go
We should go down
To the writer's strike
With like typewriters
And just a sign
That says
We will write
Episodes of Modern Family
$5.99 an episode
Yeah
Scabs for hire
And let's put on wigs
Yeah
We just go This shit is easy Whatever you want Hire us soon. Yeah. Scabs for hire. And let's put on wigs. Yeah.
We just go, this shit is easy.
Whatever you want. Hire us.
We'll be trans. Okay, so.
The point is that I was trying to make is that
Everyone's going to vote down this problem.
I think some people will identify with this problem.
I don't, you know, I like Arizona tea.
Yeah.
And I think if it says on the can 99 cents, it's false advertising.
They can't charge more than that.
It should be a law against it.
So you want them to put a sticker on the 99 cent things?
So it doesn't say it?
That's what they try to do.
They try to cover it up.
The Arizona company says
That it hasn't been a problem
People putting stickers
Over the 99
I mean they can sell it
For whatever they want
It's a free market
But really
$250
$250
I understand
What would make you go
No
How much would it have to be
$7 I bet
$3 is the most
I would pay for in Arizona
Which is a lot
I don't know about
Really?
I'm not paying $4
$4 for this?
I'll just go to the 7-Eleven or something
But 7-Eleven won't even sell them anymore now
A lot of 7-Elevens have like their own tea brand
That's a whole other problem
Is it way
Tastes way different
Arizona ratio
Yeah it tastes like shit
This is not
Like the Arizona is
It is a premium brewed black tea, I'm going to say.
Premium brewed blend of black teas using filtered water.
It's like a bunch of vats, and they just dump in, like, bags of sugar.
You know, we're in a time of inflation.
All these companies are reducing the size of the product you get.
They're charging more.
One company is doing right by the consumer, and you poo-poo it.
What kind of American are you?
I don't know.
Arizona cares.
Okay.
And I care about Arizona.
Artificial Arizona inflation is the problem.
Amazing.
I hate this fucking show.
Who cares?
It's going to get banned in like a week anyway.
What, this show?
Yeah, you're going to go on Cozy and you're going to say some Nazi stuff.
What's Nazi stuff about that I would possibly say?
No, but like somebody's going to be like, oh, here's my guest, Bobby the Nazi, because it's Cozy.
You mean Andrew Anglin?
Cozy's biggest.
You think I could have Andrew Anglin on my show?
I think all those guys are gonna come on your fucking show
I'll be like a baseball coach
For the Nazi baseball team
Let's go, let's go, go, go, yeah
Someone's gonna go to YouTube
Yeah, yeah
Someone's gonna go to YouTube
And they're gonna go, do you know that you're platforming
This gentleman who's
Interacting with
You don't think Nazi baseball team would be fun?
Who is on coach?
Like the Harlem Globetrotters, but it's like the U.S. Americans versus the Nazis.
And it's like silly baseball.
I would be fine with a Nazi baseball team.
That sounds pretty funny.
Everybody likes a heel team.
And the first baseman, when he catches, he sig-hiles and has a catch, right?
Or he catches with his glove like that and stuff.
Get it?
You know me.
I will never turn down more theatrics in sports.
You know, like the sports uniform problem.
They should all have spikes and eye patches.
Like what?
One guy should have a gun.
Okay.
He's the one who just always brings a gun to the game.
Gun tricks?
He gets ejected
once every four
games because he just shoots a guy who's running
the bases.
Every time they try to do wrestling
in other sports, people just don't like it, though.
I was watching
American Gladiator clips the other day,
and man, what a show.
It was so great!
And the Gladiators were mean other day And man What a show It was a good show It was so great Yeah And the gladiators
Were like mean
Yeah
They were like dicks
Yeah
Because they were on meth
A lot of them were like
Steroids
Steroided out
Yeah
Roided out of their minds
Yeah
And they were like
Knocking the contestants down
Going oh yeah
Not in my house
You just got hit by ice
And you're like
Oh those fucking gladiators
Yeah
It was great
You had somebody to root for.
Alright.
Are you done? That's my other problem
is to bring back American gladiators.
Last time they did, they fucked it up.
They put Muhammad Ali's daughter in there. And Hulk Hogan
is not good. Yeah. They didn't get it right.
Okay. Here's my problem.
It was either gun control
or the myth of American gun violence.
What do you think about that?
The myth?
How is it a myth?
The myth of American gun violence.
Yeah, okay.
The myth.
The myth.
Of American gun violence.
Myth, myth, myth, myth, myth, myth.
Of American, American, American, American gun violence.
I look forward to these stats.
Let me hear these stats.
Do you need any stats?
Yeah, I do, actually.
How much gun violence have you seen in your life?
Like, none?
I've heard.
Where is it all happening?
Gosh.
Look, let me get some binoculars.
Oh, wow.
No gun violence happening around here, huh?
I always hear about it, but I don't ever seem to see any of it.
I don't know anyone who's...
Well, hold on.
No, I do know...
I knew a guy who got shot.
By himself?
No. Killed himself? I know a couple guys like that. I think I do not. I knew a guy who got shot. By himself? No.
Killed himself?
I know a couple guys like that.
I think he got shot.
I wonder if he just got knocked.
I think he got shot.
To death.
I'm watching that.
You see that poor pregnant woman struggling with that bicycle with those gentlemen.
Please say, okay.
And I thought.
You're not in cozy mindset yet.
Wouldn't it be great if they just
See that's gonna be the other problem
You're gonna be streaming on cozy
And you're like
I can say anything I want
Cause you do that on a fucking
What is it
Rikada's show
I'm going on that show tonight
I heard you dropped an F slur on Rikada
Well I think you can do that though
I've said the F slur before
I think you can say it on YouTube
I say it all the time
When I'm not being recorded
Yeah
Okay
I'm watching that
Poor pregnant woman
get her bike stolen
by those gentlemen.
By those.
And I thought,
wouldn't it be great
if they just thought
she might have a gun?
Why?
What would happen
in that situation?
I don't know.
Just think.
You think they'd freak out?
I'm pretty sure
they don't think
she has a gun.
Yeah, that's why
they're acting the way they are
Thought she had a gun
I'm at the gas station
And this gentleman
Comes over to me
Please don't do this
What?
Go ahead
This gentleman comes over to me
And he goes
He has his one hand in his pocket
Yeah
I don't know why
In his
In his
In his hoodie pocket
Hoodie pocket
Okay
You know
To put your both hands in
Gripping his Arizona
He goes
He got any change
I'm like
No I don't have any change
I would give it to you
If I had it
But I don't
Because
This isn't the year 1996
You fucking retard
No one uses money
Or change anymore
Why don't you get a job
Yeah
Simple
Polite response
Normal Filling up gas Normal thing to say Why don't you get a job? Yeah. Simple, polite response.
Normal.
Filling up gas. Normal thing to say.
And he stands there staring at me with his hand in his pocket.
I'm like, man, I'm pretty sure you got something in there.
I'm pretty sure you don't have a hernia and you're not Napoleon.
So I don't know why you have your hand.
Wouldn't it be great if you thought I might have a gun? Yeah, because then you would just walk away and leave me alone. I don't think you you have your hand wouldn't it be great if you thought I might have a gun
Yeah, right now walk away and leave me alone. I don't think you'd be acting like this
That's the theory I suppose that's the theory
Wouldn't a society be better if you knew at any moment someone could look at you and kill you yeah
I'm not gonna be fucking fiddling around with my belly button and my shirt.
Yeah.
Okay, here's the reality of gun violence.
So every time I say anything like, well, yeah, don't go after guns.
We need those because these gentlemen are acting...
Lots of people.
Mostly men.
Mostly men.
Sure, men. Are acting fucking crazy. Yeah.
Here's the truth about gun violence, okay?
Half of the deaths of gun violence in America are in 127 cities.
Does that seem a little... Does that seem like you were thinking about in those terms or not?
It's a big country.
Well, 127 cities is a lot of cities.
It's a lot of cities?
Okay.
What percent of the population of those cities represent?
Well, why does that matter?
Well, because we're the most people.
What do you mean?
Why does that matter?
I really want to know.
If those 127 cities contain half the population, then it would make sense.
Okay.
Here, let me go through the cities for you that have all the gun violence.
You said half the gun violence occurs in those cities?
It's in 127 cities.
America's a big place.
I don't think half our population is in 127 cities.
Here, let me just...
I don't know.
Okay, let's just try this one, all right?
This is one of the cities at the top is Baltimore.
Yeah.
That was surprising to me.
I didn't realize that.
Somebody told me that recently.
Now.
That Baltimore is the most dangerous city.
I'm going to say that's the myth of American gun violence.
Because I learned that and I said, yeah, that seems about right.
Yeah.
Baltimore.
Yeah, that would have been in my top.
I thought Detroit would have been worse, but I guess Detroit's only third.
Well, Detroit's a close third.
Very close third.
Very close third.
We're looking at one bad weekend probably away from being number one.
Memphis, Tennessee.
I think there's also more people in Baltimore, right?
Potentially.
Kansas City, Cincinnati.
Where's Oakland?
Why do you ask Oakland?
What would make you ask about
Because I lived in Oakland
It's about 15th down
It's about 15th on this list
Yeah that's uh
Having lived in one of these high crime
Cities uh huh
It's like why does anyone
Live here there's no it's
It's an excellent question
Have I told my oakland story where
oakland's on the border with emeryville and emeryville is where like pixar is for some reason
because it's a little bit cheaper than being in san francisco they're like oh we'll be in emeryville
we're gonna transform it into a vibrant colorful neighborhood by virtue of us being here yeah and
there was some guy painting a peace mural literally painting a peace
mural in emeryville yeah and some dude rolled up and shot him to death and stole his paints and
shit and i was like that's like the perfect definition of emeryville is some hippie going
we can all get together have your brother in oh god ah and then just getting shot to death by some
gangbanger asshole and the response is well we got to do something about all this gun violence in America.
And the only correct response is, well, there's not really all this gun violence in America.
It's kind of just these cities for some reason.
Right.
So why don't you guys do something about it and leave everyone else alone?
Sounds like a city problem.
You know, that's a good point.
Is it?
I think so, yeah.
Yeah.
That if you're living in a rural area, maybe you do have a better right to have a gun.
And if you're some inner city fuckoid.
Well, wait a minute.
You have a right.
Yeah.
You have unlimited rights for all firearms.
Well, well.
This is the issue.
Well. This is the issue. This is the issue.
If you just take these cities where gentlemen are shooting each other for some reason, I don't know,
and take them out of the stats and then just have all of rural America and everything that's not these 127 cities or these 20 cities.
Like, look at how fast it drops off.
Look at this.
Yeah, but New York is so heavily populated
But look it's down there
But it's only like
Double London
Like the gun crime
Or the homicide rate
In New York
Is only like
Double London
So what
London has a fucking problem too
They got all kinds of
Gun control over there
You can't even
You can't even have
A fucking kitchen knife
Without a license
Right
So if all
of these, if it's just this
chart
that is causing all
of these problems, I'm gonna
say it's a fucking myth.
If all I have to do to avoid
gun violence in America,
I wasn't gonna say nuke,
but I'm for it,
is not go to these cities., but I'm for it.
Is not go to these cities.
As long as it's localized.
San Diego,
you wouldn't consider that a gun violence
ridden place, would you? And here it is
in the top 20.
So where is the fucking gun violence?
You know what? Maybe you're
right. Maybe just stay away from these
horrible, horrible places.
Just don't go to fancy.
Don't go to Oakland.
I'll tell you that right now.
Yeah, don't go to Las Vegas.
Well, I want to go to Vegas.
You just got to stay away.
Stay inside.
Stay on the strip.
Yeah.
Or Fremont Street.
Fremont Street's pretty great.
Don't go to Terrible's Casino.
Yeah.
Philadelphia. I've been meaning to go to Vegas pretty great. Don't go to Terrible's. Casino. Yeah. Philadelphia.
I've been meaning to go to Vegas again.
You want to go to Vegas anytime soon?
Not soon, no.
Yeah.
I was trying to get a buddy to go.
Why?
You feel like going to Vegas?
I got a buddy.
He collects games, same as me, so we'd hit up all the game stores.
So here's something even funnier.
Let's see here. In Oakland,
analysts found that networks of just 1,000
to 1,200 high-risk
people
caused 60% of the city's
murders. Yeah.
So 1,000 people in the city.
In some weird circle of weirdos.
It's like how they just found out
in New York, isn't it like 30 people caused like every shoplifting?
Two-thirds of the shoplifting.
And you're like, well, just kill them.
Yeah.
Or just lock them up for a longer period of time.
Whatever.
Whatever you want.
Or ship them to Australia like we used to do.
Put a Trump hat on them.
Fucking shoot them.
Do you see what I'm saying about the myth?
It's like, wow, there's so much gun violence.
It's like, well, you got 1,000 people causing more than half of it.
So...
Lock them all up.
Pay them to stop doing it.
Just give them a million dollars a piece.
To stop killing people.
To stop shooting people.
And if they run out of money, give them more money.
Yeah.
Whatever you do, don't make this like a whole political thing.
So doesn't that mean they're going to get $2 million in the next year or so?
Gavin Newsom said the most presidential shit I have ever heard in my life.
Wait, did Gavin Newsom really comment on the reparations shit?
Gavin Newsom said, I'm not approving this because reparations is about more than money.
And I said...
Gavin Newsom said, I'm not approving this because reparations is about more than money.
And I said... I said that...
That is bold.
That's right, black people.
That is bold.
That's right.
Reparations is about more than money. That's true. That's right. Reparations is about more than
money. That's true.
That's true.
We can't even put a price
tag on your suffering.
We couldn't even possibly
honestly to calculate the amount of money
you're owed would be a
disservice to you. Would be insulting.
If we had offered
you, you guys are saying we're not
offering enough you're right and that's a shame that's a shame because it's about more than money
we don't want to insult you with i'm gonna think about when he's president and like after after
but after the next biden yeah when he's president i'm gonna think about that every fucking day
oh man that was the funniest fucking thing i have ever heard. Reparations. With his hair and
shit. About more than. Reparations
about more than money.
Gavin Newsom really stepped into the
fucking reparations thing. I mean
well he had to.
Well they were just fucking around. They weren't actually going to give it to him
were they? Yes. What do you mean?
San Francisco was going to give it. I have no idea.
What are you talking about? They get money all the time.
They get more than that.
All right.
I got to look this up.
That's hilarious.
Wow.
In New Orleans.
Reparations retardation voted down, I guess.
That problem has been solved by Gavin Newsom.
The most based.
Remember Gavin Newsom when he locked us all down in our homes?
He was out living it up, partying.
That's awesome.
That's based.
I wish i could lock
everyone in their fucking homes and then i could just go around the street like cartman yeah
we couldn't possibly calculate how funny that would feel to let let the reparations committee
go on for like six months like nickel and diming and figuring out like, Oh yeah, this,
Oh yeah, this, someone called me then. Yeah. Okay. There's the figure 2.3 million. And then
you give it to them and you have like, you're, you are fucking dumb enough to think that you're
going to get all this money. He's like, you know what? It's not enough. And actually we don't have
enough. Yeah. If we can't put a price tag on it, what you want, it would be an insult to give you anything.
You know. Here you go.
Oh! It's not enough! You deserve
more than this. You deserve
more than this. Then give it to us.
I just...
I would, but it would be insulting
for you. This is about more than money.
It's about more than money. You all agree with that, right?
You all agree that it's more than money.
You all agree. It's not just about the money, right?
What a fucking genius
Do you think any
I want to say like every black person knew they weren't going to get the money
But I think some of them really thought
You mean more money
Yeah, I think some of them really thought
Oh, we got Whitey this time
We got this one all locked up
Well, they'll get something
Yeah
We'll give them a
Well, they'll give them some sort of a prize.
They'll come up
with some little
like program.
In New Orleans,
just 600 people
were involved
in more than
50%
of the fatalities.
Wow.
Less than 1%
of the city's population
were involved
in 50% of,
so all this shit
is just a couple people that we refused to arrest and put in jail.
Yeah.
That's the American gun violence.
Not only is it these 20 cities, but it's also like fucking 2,000 guys that we could just kill and not have to have this dumb conversation anymore.
But is it like they're drug runners or like organized crime guys and they're telling their guys to run around and those guys are all idiots and they kill people?
Yeah.
Yeah.
Anyway.
Fascinating.
The myth of American gun violence.
And then half, it's always, you know, half the statistics are suicides.
Yeah.
Which it's, why is that even on there at all?
It's a big guy. Yeah Why is that even on there at all If anything that's one of the pluses
Of gun violence is
Get out of here quick
Yeah that's what I always say
Ha ha ha
Ha ha ha
Plus I just like the mouth feel
Of a gun dick you know
When you're feeling it out
Anyway
Don't forget to back Super Killer
Now available on Indiegogo
It's going alright
It's kind of hit like a little plateau
But I think it'll pick back up
How are you going to promote it?
Just making like YouTube videos
Hoping that people watch them and then afterwards go check it out
You gotta do stunts
Yeah
Dress up like Super Killer and like beat
Kill a subway person Kill a Dress up like Superkiller and like beat, kill a subway person.
Dress up like Superkiller and then choke a guy out on the subway.
And then do like a fake news thing of it.
There's so much, there's so many ways to promote.
You have to do it though.
I'm overwhelmed.
I can't do anything.
I'm paralyzed.
Everything's a nightmare right now.
Okay.
No, it's going to be great.
I don't know what I'm doing anymore.
How'd you get this depressed again after you...
It's like you did this comic and you got so much money and now you're depressed again
and they've destroyed my YouTube channel and I literally don't care.
All right, you're right. I seriously don't care. I just, I seriously don't.
I, I, I'm happy that you're
not depressed.
Because I was, I felt bad for you
and I don't like it. I just don't like
this, this, this world, this thing
we're living in. I'll just make this my problem.
Whatever. Okay.
Well, you didn't have another problem? Well, I had another one.
You're just making this. Okay. I'm making this.
Okay, do it. I'm trying to think what it is.
Well, explain it.
Not enough super chats?
Getting super chats in too late?
Not enough super chats.
Is that the problem?
That's a problem.
It's, uh...
How do I explain this?
I don't like what I've become.
Let's just do a different one. What have you become? I don't like what I've become. Let's do a different one.
What have you become?
I don't know.
Like, I wanted to just...
Is this like Conrad, the Heart of Darkness?
I'll say this problem.
I don't think I've ever done this problem.
Yeah?
Is this whole...
What do you call it?
What's that thing, that term they use when you have these...
Parasocial relationships. Okay. Okay, that term they use when you have these Parasocial relationships
Okay
Okay, that's the problem
Okay
So the problem is, like, right now there are people who are listening to the show, right?
And they listen to your show or watch my channel
You know?
And there's channels that I do this with that I watch them all the time
And I go, hey, I like those guys
And I watch them long enough
And you start, you know, you see them all the time And you hear them all the time And I go Hey I like those guys And I watch them long enough And you start
You know
You see them all the time
And you hear them all the time
And you go
I kind of feel like
I have a connection
With these guys
Even though they have
No idea that I exist
Well you do
And I
Well yeah
Kind of
Yeah
You know
I mean I'm always weird
Because I watch like creators
Who are like cool
And I'm like
Oh this guy's cool
And my instinct
Is I always go
That guy would fucking hate me if I ever met him
I think that about so many guys
I go I really like
This guy's content and he's really cool
And he's interesting and if he ever
Met me he would think I'm the biggest piece of
Shit that ever lived
I don't know
Like who?
There's this guy Comic Tropes
Who makes cool videos about comic books.
Okay.
That guy would hate me.
Comic Tropes?
I really like Red Letter Media.
And you think they would hate you?
I think.
Why?
I think me and Mike, we might be like, okay.
I think I could win Mike over.
I think Jay would absolutely.
I'm looking up comic tropes.
Hey everybody.
It's Chris from comic tropes.
Comic tropes.
If you don't know, is a channel that analyzes comic book history and techniques.
And now I've got a new, this guy hate you.
I don't know.
Seems like a fucking doofus.
Just like you.
Fucking comics, blah, blah.
This is YouTube memberships.
If you click the join button below.
Obviously that helps me.
Why do you think he hates you?
Is he out there?
He's got less subscribers than you.
You would kiss your ass.
No, no, I don't think so.
I think, I don't know.
I always get this feeling that like, I don't know what the—
this might be a whole different problem.
It's just like, don't play it.
What you're describing is not a parasocial relationship.
Yeah, it's a weird stalker thing that you're doing with this guy from comic shows,
like Mac and Chase Hutley from Always Sunny in Philadelphia.
Or I would listen to the Pat, the NES punk podcast.
That guy would absolutely hate me.
And Ian, Ian did fight with me on Twitter.
One time he was mad that I was defending, uh, Justin Ryland.
And he said, Justin Ryland's about to file.
So I, I, I at least confirmed one of these guys would hate me.
Uh, anyway, But I think other
You on Twitter is not the best you
No that's true
That's a whole other problem
I think the problem though
Is like me as a creator
I was talking to Ethan Van Shiver about this
Yeah
After he called in
I was like yeah
He was like Vito's gotta you know
Start building bridges out there
To get his comic going
Yeah Oh well I already fucked that up got to, you know, start building bridges out there to get his comic going.
Yeah.
Oh, well, I already fucked that up.
I already fucked that up.
And yeah, Ethan sent me a message about why I can't be on his show.
And that's fine.
Because I keep fighting with Eric Geline because I got baited into it again.
Just apologize.
I apologize.
I don't know what to say. I don't know what to say I don't know what to
I guess the point I was trying to make is that
I just wanna like
I don't know how to do this thing
Where like
I want to be honest
With my content you know
I don't wanna be in like
Entertainer doofus mode
And I don't want people You know I don't wanna be like hey I entertainer doofus mode. Uh-huh. And I don't want people, you know, I don't want to be like,
hey, I'm secretly your friend.
I'm secretly your dad.
Yeah.
You know, I'm your best friend and give me money
because I'm going to like elevate you
and we're all in this together and whatever else.
And then like, but part of me is like,
if you got to like, there is some of that,
like I do appreciate the audience, you know,
and I'm like, I'm like eternally grateful
That they're helping me out
I just worry I can't give enough
Or that it's gonna be fake
Uh huh
You know
That like the relationship
We're forming
Where like a guy
Sends me a message
He's like hey
You know your comic is great
You know I'm so excited
And I'm like
And then I'm like
Like guys are sending you
Like one off messages
And you're having like
A full blown
Existential crisis over it.
Yeah, kind of.
Some guy messaged me on Patreon and he said, hey, why'd you block me on Twitter?
I've supported you for seven years.
Yeah, they always message me when you do that.
I've supported you for seven years.
Don't you think blocking is like a bitch?
I always thought you kind of would think that blocking is like a bitch move and i said fuck you don't ever tell me
don't ever tell me how to behave and he goes okay sorry uh i was like okay so what's your name i'll
unblock you it's uh yeah i don't know man it's uh you're saying you couldn't live up to their expectations
Yeah I think that's it
I think that's it
Is that
I like worry that they're
You comic guys
Ethan Van Cypress
Fucking
Writing us out of
Writing an epic like of Gilgamesh
Yeah
And you're breaking down over a $35,000 comic.
I'm not breaking down.
It's that I don't know if people, I want people to get like the honest me, you know?
I don't want to be fake.
Because there's like so many of these like guys are just out there and they're like, I'm your dad.
I'm your brother.
Right.
You know, I'm going to teach you how to be a real man or whatever the fuck else.
Yeah.
And it's sick.
Yeah.
Like Andrew Tate.
Yeah.
Yeah.
But then I worry that I'm like, well, like, am I doing that subconsciously?
Like, do I have to do that?
And then you start kind of doing that as you start like being like, hey, I am your buddy. I am your friend.
Come celebrate me or whatever.
Come celebrate me.
Yeah.
Isn't that like a birthday though?
You literally do that to your real
in-life friends. Hey, come celebrate
me. Yeah.
And
I don't know, man.
You just don't want to go too far with it
Yeah do you think maybe that
Guys like Andrew Tate
And like Eric July like they really are
Being genuine and that's just who they are
See that's what I don't understand and maybe that's why I get so
Upset with like Eric July is this whole like
We're gonna win
You guys are all part
Of this thing I'm building this is our
Company yeah it's not gonna work Yeah of this thing I'm building. This is our company.
Yeah, it's not going to work.
Yeah, where with me, I'm like, this is my comic.
I made it.
Like, I love you guys.
Yeah.
You're not, like, really a part.
I don't know.
But you are, you know, because that's a shitty fucking thing to say. Yeah, but you made all those lunchboxes and stuff for people like you,
even though it was a dumb idea.
I guess the whole thing of, like, crowdfunding is, like,
the constant messaging of, like, this is our journey.
We're in it together.
Kickstarter should put this in their testimonials of you having a fucking meltdown.
Look at some of our successful creators.
Like, dude, I just love you.
Yeah, I just don't know if I could, if I could.
I mean, I do.
I don't want you to think that I represent you, but I do really feel like you're my friends and I appreciate it
You gotta fucking get a grip melting down over this comic
About Ralph's meltdown was bad
I thought Ralph's meltdown was bad.
What's going on?
Are you alright? I am not fucking alright.
You'll be okay.
You want to take a break?
Give me a minute.
Alright, alright. Dude, I'm... Give me a minute. All right. All right.
Get a beer.
All right.
What's the chat saying? I have no idea.
They're probably like, he's having a fucking mental breakdown
Episode 91
Vito couldn't make it today
Now I can't see
Bring it back
Oh my god
Are we live? Okay there there there I can't see. Bring it back. Oh, my God.
Are we live?
Okay, there, there, there.
We're back.
Good.
Okay, so the moral of the story is Vito needs to sleep before we do a show.
And not get two hours of sleep.
Okay. And just come in all fucked and upset
don't worry the comic will be good your comic everyone likes it i'm really mad that your
channel got banned well i'm mad the mr girls channel got banned i'm mad that we're just like
slaves to these fucking yeah Tech companies Yeah And I
You feel like just powerless
And it's fucked
Yeah
Um
Everyone in my family's
Lives have been destroyed by communism
Going all the way back to like my
Mom's dad
Yeah
So I'm kinda used to it
Um
It's a
It's a eternal fight.
That's what your comics are about, you know?
Yeah.
But it's real.
It's just really, I don't know.
It really bothers me.
I just want everyone to, like, I don't know, this whole week I've just been, like, upset about that.
It will never get easy to fight these people, but it has to be done.
There is no living without struggle and sacrifice for us, and there never will be.
At least we're still doing the show.
I'm sorry I'm being weird.
It's been a weird week It will be okay
It will be okay because we have friends
Who will help us and an audience who will support us
It doesn't matter how many platforms
I get kicked off of
People will follow me
Not all of them but a lot of them
Will follow
And you they will follow you
It's okay.
It's like when my Twitter got banned, like I catastrophize.
I'm like, it's all over, you know?
And I'm glad we're still here doing this show.
And hopefully I haven't fucked everything up.
Oh, okay.
Yeah, every, yeah, that'll, it'll be, oh, people will go,
that episode where Vito had a meltdown and cried?
Just terrible.
That wasn't entertaining at all.
I fast-forwarded that part.
Just bad.
Bad radio.
That's what they'll say.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I just...
It's hard to be earnest,
you know?
I'm not!
Obviously not!
Most people, most
broadcasters would
trade, would sell their souls
for a moment of earnesty like that.
That they cannot, that they cannot do on air.
Because they don't understand what they're doing.
I'm so happy to be doing this show.
And I gotta stop because it's just getting worse.
Are you going through menopause?
I have no idea So that was your problem?
Parasocial relationships?
Yeah that's the problem
Okay my problem is
Having to get out of the shower to get stuff
I hate that
It's the worst
It's the worst thing ever
Like soap
And shampoo and stuff Yeah stuff. I hate that. It's the worst. Like soap and shampoo
and stuff.
Yeah.
Yeah.
You yell at your girlfriend like,
hey, can you get me some soap? But
they like to pretend that
I'll just
yell, oh, I can't hear you. You ever have to shit in the shower
and then you gotta get out of the shower to take a shit?
A classic. That's a classic. Gotta get out of the shower to take a shit? A classic.
That's a classic.
That's a good bathroom problem.
Got to get out of the shower to take a shit.
Got to get...
Oh, fuck, I forgot my masturbating lotion.
I don't want to jack off with soap.
Get a bunch of burns on my dick.
Yeah, what's the deal with that?
Why does certain soap, like, if you jerk off with it, it hurts?
What is that?
It's the cuts on your penis.
Yeah, but there shouldn't be any cuts on my penis.
Your cats are getting revenge. I have found a
lotion that seems to be fine.
Yeah? Yeah.
Is it very scented? It's like a
peach or an orange.
Peach, yeah. That's good for
a penis lotion. It's pretty good.
Did I tell you I bought the Target Stroker?
You know,
this is not a good ad for the Target Stroker.
I want to be
streaming down my face
as I talk about the Target Stroker.
I think that's
what the audience wants.
It's like 20 bucks. It's pretty wants. It's like 20 bucks.
It's pretty good.
It's like this weird blue thing.
I thought conservatives are like mad that Target sells it.
Sells jack off machines?
Yeah.
Well, it's not a machine.
It's just like a, it's like a, like a wacky, you know, there's like tubes.
It's just like a tube.
All of Target only exists for jack off machines.
So why wouldn't they sell them too?
Women? Yeah. There you go. Target only exists for jack off machines So why wouldn't they sell them too Uh Women
Yeah there you go
Yeah I hate when you gotta get out of the shower to get stiff
But luckily I have
The stroker in there
Nobody comes over
Nobody knows
I don't use it all the time
Sometimes though
Yeah But are you like this where like when you come You don't want it all the time Sometimes though Yeah
But are you like this where like when you come
You don't want anything near your dick
Uh what do you mean near
Like do you come
Inside the woman
Yes
I come inside the woman
Normally I want to like pull out cause I'm like having like the sensation
Of something around my penis
As I'm ejaculating
Oh, it hurts. It's like a little it's like a little too much since I got a power through that
Sometimes they fuck with you about it. You're like all right. All right
Fucking hammer you you ruined it. Thanks. You did all that work for nothing you fucked up again. I
Also, you know, I famously hate calms, so anytime I got to immediately.
Yeah, you famously do hate comms.
So when I have sex, I immediately have to go wash my dick off.
It's got cum on it.
No, no, that makes sense.
Yeah.
Getting stuff out of the shower.
Water everywhere. We're back on track, folks.
We're back on track. Everything's great. Having to get out of the shower. Get water everywhere. We're back on track, folks. We're back on track.
Everything's great.
Having to get out of the shower
to get stuff.
Okay, so those are our problems.
Parasocial relationships.
This is the best
or the worst episode ever.
It's definitely the best.
I don't know why you're doubting that.
Remember that episode Vito did?
Wasn't that the one
right before he killed
all those people?
Yeah, that one.
Right before he climbed that clock tower
because a tumor was pressing against his brain.
I don't think you could hit shit.
How many times have you shot a rifle?
I've never shot a rifle.
You're not going to hit a god.
You can stay up in the clock tower all day.
I've played Call of Duty so often.
I'll figure it out.
Iron sights.
Every time I go to Vegas, I say I'm going to go to a shooting range, and I never do.
Well, you don't have to go to Vegas to go to a shooting range.
You can go to Corona.
How far is that?
An hour?
Yeah.
Take anything we want out there.
We can go up to Mojave, just shoot.
What do you want to shoot? Machine guns?
You're going to be like that little girl who accidentally shoots the shooting instructor.
What is that?
There was a little girl who was like
14 and they gave her an Uzi
and she went, whoops!
And immediately like shot. That's definitely their fault.
They should not be giving an Uzi
to a little girl.
She shot the shooting instructor right in the head.
And I always think about it.
I'm like, she's just got to live with that forever.
People in there.
Like, my buddy, my longtime friend from high school showed his kids his guns.
And he's like, if you ever don't ever touch these, like, if you ever see a gun, find an adult.
Like, rule number one.
If you ever see it, find an adult.
But this is how
they work always true like going over like basic gun safety but then that's great but the people
who are like yeah here's my six-year-old girl with a shotgun here's yeah man i don't i mean i
know it's weird because you're taking pictures of it and sending and putting it on the internet
that's how i know it's weird.
Well.
Parasocial relationships. Parasocial relationships.
And Arizona iced tea.
Arizona iced tea.
Okay.
That's more than a dollar.
And having to get out of the shower to get stuff.
And the myth of American gun violence.
Okay, well, let's do some voicemails.
Go to biggestproblem.show
To vote on the problems
And patreon.com
Slash
Biggest problem
Here's one that might
Cheer you up
Hey dude
Hey Vito
Just calling in to say
Vito
You're a good guy
And I think the internet
Treats you unfairly sometimes
What the fuck is this?
I'll let you know
You're a pretty cool dude
Alright Alright Thank you What do you think this? I'll let you know. You're a pretty cool dude.
All right.
All right.
Thank you.
What do you think?
Where did that come from?
He just sent that in.
I don't know.
All right.
Is that... He just sent that in.
He sent it in.
I don't know why he sent that in.
What are you asking me for?
Is that going to set you off?
No, it's not going to set me off.
Thank you.
Okay.
Here's another guy.
Hey, Rick. Hey, Vinny.
Hey. Thanks. You want to know what the biggest
problem in the universe is? The fact
that Vito has still not appeared on
PKA. I don't know what the message about that
is. I mean,
you have Father Time, a.k.a.
Matthew Woodworth, talking
about things like sexcations,
managing his fishing take,
and flying around in a stupid lawn chair.
You've got Kyle, who's a complete degenerate and a felon.
Let's not forget that.
The day Kyle can own guns again is the day I'll care about what he has to say.
And then you have Taylor, a.k.a. Cranium Magnus.
You know what?
I can't even watch PKA anymore because of his gigantic, disgusting dome.
He does have a big head.
Regardless,
let's get Vito on PKA.
There's a lot of crossover with PKA
for some reason. Because you go on there
I guess a lot. Yeah, I like those guys.
I always go on there and cause trouble too.
PKA guys are watching this show because
the PKA boards will be like
talking about us and whatever. They should do a petition to get you on PKA guys are watching this show because, like, the PKA boards will be, like, talking about us and whatever.
They should do, like, a petition to get you on PKA.
Do a petition to get your fucking YouTube unbanned.
There's got to be somebody at these companies.
Why? Who cares?
I don't know because it's fucked.
Fuck it.
I don't make any money off that shit.
Yeah, that's fair.
I don't fucking care.
But there's, like, some, you know, and I'm also mad that Mr. Girl is still banned from YouTube, but that's a I don't fucking care But there's like some You know And I'm also mad That Mr. Girl's still banned
From YouTube
But that's a whole different thing
Whatever man
That's what happens
Ralph got fucked
Harder than anyone
Ralph did get fucked
Ralph got fucked harder
Than anyone in the history
Of YouTube
And the worst part is
And he's still swinging
And he's doing great
Yeah but like
He should be on
They banned him
For the stupidest shit
How about Sam Hyde
He should be on like Sam Hyde should have A movie He should be on They banned him For the stupidest shit How about Sam Hyde He should be on like
Sam Hyde should have
A movie
He should be hosting SNL
Yes
It's just not the way it works
Yes
And I
All the worst people
You know what
The reason I was like
I'll do this writer's strike thing
And they started like
Looking at all the people
Competing about the writer's strike
And they're like
The worst fucking people
Like all the ones
All the WGA writers
Yeah
And they're like
I wrote this show
And they don't even And I'm like Like I support that You want to get paid more money fucking people like all the ones all the wga writers they're like i wrote this show and they
don't even but i'm like like i support that you want to get paid more money but also you
specifically don't deserve it you know i don't know i get it i get it all these writers in
hollywood are fucking terrible yeah um okay maybe we can have this one. Sam Hyde's recording like a new show though, right?
He's written like a new season.
Yeah, MDE2.
It's great.
Good.
Good.
But he should be fucking hosting late night.
Smoking five cigarettes at a time on late night.
Shooting guns on television.
I want there to be.
Calling women fat.
Yes.
I don't know what we do.
I feel like there's got to be a way to unite the cult.
Unite the right?
Is that?
Well, kind of.
A fat woman got killed.
Not the right specifically.
You saw Vice is going out of business.
Yeah.
Did you ever read the original Vice magazine?
No.
It was great.
Yeah.
It was fucking incredible.
And even Vice, when they first started off, it was cool and subversive and weird and interesting.
Yeah, okay.
And then it got taken over by a bunch of loser idiots.
I went on the Vice website, and it's like, here's the top 10 sex toys for trans, masculine, whatever.
I'm like, who's going to read this?
That appeals to, like, two people.
Or it's like, here's why that subway shooting or the subway strangling proves that America hates homeless people.
And I'm like, what happened to, like, the fun?
We don't need proof of that.
I wish they were all dead.
I would kill all of them myself.
If I could just, if you guys
just give me the go-ahead, I would
personally kill every
I don't care. I would just
do it for you as a service, as a psychopath
to build up our brand
and let you guys all know that you need us
and you couldn't survive a day without us.
And I look at like Gavin McGinnis, who I know
but I think Gavin went crazy because they.
Yeah, I like him.
Well, they de-plant him, formed him from everything.
He was running his own ad agency and he got forced to close it because he wrote some article back when you couldn't say anything about trans people saying, hey, all these trans surgeries are weird and fucked.
And like, you know, there's some whatever the fuck.
Either way, it was all offensive and crazy
So it feels like there's an alternate
Universe where like all that stuff just
Like we didn't have all this cancel culture
Bullshit yeah we just kept having
Fun and culture didn't
Completely suck the way it sucks now
Yeah and it also all the
People some of the people again like
Gavin went fucking crazy and now they do
Kind of suck because I'm like.
He's old.
Well, they're old.
Yeah.
You get unplugged from the pop culture.
You just like wither and die and become this approximation of what you were.
Way more extreme in your views.
You have to to survive.
Yeah.
To get attention and whatever else.
To get money.
Well, that was what I was trying to tell some of these guys about Ethan Van
Skiver
He's evil he's a bigot he's the guy on the earth
He's a guy that pretty much lost his job
Because he was like you know
A Trump supporting Mormon
Like what is he going to do not be
I'm pretty sure he's Mormon so he has like very like
Obvious like conservative beliefs
And religious beliefs about certain shit
And he lost his job because of it
And then yeah so he ends up in a space
On the internet where he says like super inflammatory
Shit you know to get views
And clicks and get people excited
But I was trying to be like I don't think he's like
Legitimately like
Like a crazy bigot I think he's just
Again one of these guys is like well I lost my fucking
Job so I might as well
Have fun with it I don't know.
No, that's kind of, I mean, anyone who's a Mormon is going to have beliefs that are like, that are bigoted.
Yeah.
And that's fine.
Right.
Like you can be, you can be the most racist person ever as long as you like abide by the decorum of society.
The amendments.
The first amendment. Like don't do all these things like the third right the fourth right can't happen if the government just always obeys
the bill of rights i just think this whole thing that like again like a guy like ralph or whatever
else or i don't know anybody gavin is like by taking away people's platforms you're radicalizing
you're radicalizing them yeah whereas it could have just been like,
yeah, he's a little out there, whatever.
It's like, I don't think
Ralph ever wanted to kill anybody.
Ralph voted for Obama!
Right!
But then they just, we were just
pushing people away from the mainstream,
and then you end up, and you got a live stream
with Nick Fuentes, which is fine.
And maybe Nick would even be
A more normal guy if he wasn't banned
From fucking everything
Nick is pure
Maybe even Alex Jones if he wasn't banned from everything
Would be a little more
He doesn't think Sandy Hook was fake
He's like yeah whoops sorry I didn't know that you could just
Not say whatever you want
He said QAnon is you know not real
Or whatever else on his show.
And none of us even care about that.
Like, the people who love Alex Jones, we don't care about Zandy Hook.
Right.
I want there to be a space, and there isn't one.
And, like, people are trying to build one, but they all suck.
Rumble kind of sucks.
Rumble beyond sucks.
Yeah.
It's untenable.
Yeah, there's no way To make it happen
There's no way
That it will
There's no way
For it to survive
They throw their money
At Steven Crowder
Which makes no sense to me
Well that's money
You could have spent
On servers
On bandwidth
Just build your
Fucking ad platform man
You can't sell gold
You can't sell gold
All the time
How many gold ads
Do you see on Google
None They're all That's the Yeah it's all gold ads You can't sell gold all the time how many gold ads do you see on google none they're all dude that's
the yeah it's all you can't sell cbd and gold and survive but the nasdaq will crush you anyway
they can just determine it and then it it will be illegal for rumble to say no to any nasdaq
demands because it will destroy their shareholder, their stock
price.
I'm like worried that we are getting to a point where like you're just not going to
be able to, there will be no culture because like it's all going to be controlled by like
Google and Apple and whatever else.
Yeah.
And the robot doesn't understand satire and it doesn't understand any
nuance right so she's gonna be like oh you're joking about school shootings that means you're
endorsing school shootings and therefore you're banned you know the robot works it's the fat woman
that canceled my account that doesn't work the robot said you're fine the indians said i'm fine
it's the fat woman who got the final say that said, nah, fuck you. It's the women.
Yeah.
Well, that is also the problem is that like, there's like all these companies have been
taken over by these fucking activists who get in there and they're like, we're just
going to make it a little more diverse and a little more inclusive.
And the next thing you know, they're like, oh, also, uh, we want to ban Dave Chappelle
from our network.
And you're like, no, we want to ban Joe Rogan from Spotify.
Yeah.
And like, thankfully some of those guys make enough money where thankfully the guys at
the top are like, well, we're not going to do that.
But we can ban Dick Masterson if that'll make you a little bit happy.
That's fine.
And that's what they're doing.
And it drives me nuts.
Well, whatever.
You got to go to the blockchain, man.
Different.
We're all.
You remember what it was like when we went from web 1 to web 2
Yeah
We're doing it again
Alright I do need to make a back buy
Go to back buy make a back buy
I'm gonna make a back buy is there still a fake veto on back buy
I'll delete them
Can you do that
No I can't delete I can never delete
Your we can never delete
Your subscriptions and your audience connection
The back.by
Slash name
That is a domain name
So that is a thing that exists
In web 2 like the government can take that
But the financial relationships
That exist between you and your people
We can never take that no one can ever take that
So you can just make like
The government comes in and says we're taking back by whoop you can go make well okay this is like you have
contracts to set up set up dot back by and it will all just keep going like i wish more people
would take it seriously the thing you're doing it sounds like you have some guy coming on your show
some gun guy yeah yeah yeah don't worry i got a five year plan I understand the Rules of engagement
I don't and that's why I'm terrified
All the time
Yeah cause you're like
We all should get along
And just like
We work best
We're all just like
Cooperating
I will kill
The only way to stop tyrants
is to kill them.
Yeah.
And nothing else will do.
So,
that's the
that's the situation we're in.
And they're gonna try to kill you first.
Alright, let's do Super Chats.
Yes.
Studio.
Get your super chats in
Make fun of Vito
For crying
Oh god
Someone's gonna clip all this shit
Clip it, it's the whole episode
I really need to get more than two hours of sleep
Before I come into this show
The worst part is I send you a text.
I'm like, I feel kind of weird today.
I don't know.
Maybe we should do the show tomorrow.
No, I can't.
I have to go to the fair tomorrow to see if I won the mosaic contest.
You got to go to the fair?
What kind of fair do you have to go to?
Is it a bee fair?
Are there bees there?
Happy episode 90 everyone
Oh god
At least I only have to do 17 more of these
And then I can quit
Okay here we go
Jungle bunny for two
Rule 30
No koof
Oh koof for two
Thank you all for not killing yourselves
I'm trying my hardest buddy
Jungle bunny for two
Rule 34
Super killer
Wait what do you want me to be
rule 34 you want super killer to be rule 34 or both of us just porn of stuff uh yeah we'll make
that happen lemon sake for two says with the tds channel gone my life has no meaning i'm right
there with you sorry legacy for two we want more sergeant slaughter we gotta do i don't know we
can't do it because you got fucking copyright struck for playing the clip.
The Transformers clip, right?
Well, yeah, but that was a clip.
It's just because people were mass reporting me.
Who?
Do you know who?
Fat people?
Fat people, man.
Yeah.
Oh, I think there was other people.
Yeah, I get it.
Jahadobot for 25 says, please finish what you started last week.
Call to prayer and denounce of Darth Vader as a whore.
Is that what you did last week?
No, $25.
Not enough.
Not enough.
Four on the way.
Pop Quiz for $4.99.
Andrew D.I.K.
Okay.
Should I know what that means?
I don't.
Britsman for $2.
Here's for our Killdozer 2 bullet.
Inshallah, brother.
Thank you.
We got to build that thing.
Able Diamond for five.
Dwab Winkle for ten.
Happy to super chat the final episode of Biggest Problem on YouTube.
Also, insert obscenity here, YouTube.
Yeah, fuck YouTube.
Absolutely.
I hate, I'm like mad at YouTube
I'm gonna take that I don't know whatever I'll get
Into it it's just an advertising company
They just exist to like sell
Horse shit from Hollywood
But again there was like an exciting period
When they were like funding shit and they were
Funding like Norm Macdonald's show
And you thought oh man
Like independent creators like it's gonna
Happen and I was just like no we can make more money by like promoting Jimmy Fallon and fucking carpool
I don't know like me just like I me existing is illegal like all the stuff
I like I can't fuck cocaine is illegal
Fuck it everything like I want to do when I wake up and just exist Is just illegal
So I just never have any kind of
Conceptions that
That I'm allowed to do anything
And like all the like forced
Self censoring that you have to do
And like oh you can't say this word
Or whatever else
I have to do that in real life too though
Yeah but not I don't know
But if I'm talking to my audience I should be able to say whatever else. I have to do that in real life too, though. Yeah, but not, I don't know. Like, why?
Yeah, I guess.
But if I'm talking to my audience,
I should be able to say
whatever the fuck I want.
I'll go on Backed By.
You can do that.
I'll go on Backed By.
Unable Diamond for five says,
I'll be supporting the dick show on Backed By.
Thanks.
I hate how YouTube censors things.
Yes.
David Gomez for two.
Ashley Babbitt noises.
That's what they did to you.
Verico for 279. That guy was a thug
That Capitol Police guy was a thug
Did you hear Trump called him that?
Yeah, I did
I did hear that
That's the N-word
That is the N-word
Yeah, you can say that
He was a thug
That's one of the acceptable N-words
Verico for 279 Canadians says
what happened on Alex Stein?
I don't know, man.
Alex just like was like
it was fun.
It was fun. We had fun.
Did you cry? No, I didn't cry.
Thankfully.
He was just like bringing up tweets. He's like
why'd you say this about Eric July? And then I was like I didn't really know what to do so I was just like I don't He was like Why'd you say this About Eric July
And then I was like
I didn't really know
What to do
So I was just like
I don't know
Maybe I should've been
More diplomatic
But I was just like
Ah it's a fun show
So I was like
Ah fuck that guy
No no no
Say
He can't write
That's what I said
My comic is better than his
If you don't like
If you like his comic
Better than mine
I'll give you your money back
If you bought a
I saw him
It sucks
Send me your I saw him I'll send you A fucking super killer If you bought an ISOM, it sucks. Send me your ISOM. I'll
send you a fucking super killer for free.
I didn't mention that, but I did mention that he
can't write.
His audience likes him and I don't want to pick a
I don't fucking know. Leo for five.
Josie gang.
Diamond G
for 20. Six.
Apparently I can't say sixth.
How are you supposed to say sixth? Sixth. Sixth? Sixth. Six, six. Okay. So apparently I can't say sixth. How are you supposed to say sixth?
Sixth. Sixth? Sixth. Sixth. Sixth. Sixth. Sixth. Was that good? Are you doing it on purpose
or not? No, I say January 6th. It's not sixth. It's not sixth. It's sixth. There's an X in
there. Yeah, but you really got to pronounce that X. Sixth. Yeah. January 6th.
What are you, like, black?
Like, you got to ask you a question?
January 6th.
Yes.
January 6th.
Yeah.
January 6th.
No.
Sixth.
I'm afraid not.
That's such a fuck to...
Sixth.
To get an X into a TH is weird for me.
Well, don't do it then.
All right.
Continue.
Thank you for the 20.
I'm sounding like whatever that is. Ride Dog for five. The biggest problem't do it then. All right. Continue. Thank you for the 20. Sounding like whatever that is.
Ride Dog for five.
The biggest problem in the universe is ransomware.
We just had a ransomware attack at work, so I've been dealing with that all day.
People still do that?
Yeah, it's funny.
Interesting.
Wet Bandit five.
Vito says he supports the WGA, yet he happily took a sponsorship from an AI art website
for his YouTube videos.
That was a great plug, by the way.
You should watch that plug.
What's the plug?
It's just a stupid AI art app, but I
made a really good plug for it.
Go to youtube.com slash Vito.
Okay.
I do the best sponsored ad reads.
Okay.
Go to videos, hit videos.
And then click the Jada Smith
one. Okay.
And then go like a minute 30 in.
You'll see when it changes.
Fans, she's a weirdo.
Well, guys, we're going to talk about all the controversy
involved in Jada Pinkett Smith's new documentary series.
Not really a documentary.
We'll talk about that.
But first, I want to talk about my sponsor for this video.
Can I see the video?
Wonder.
Now, maybe you're like me and you see all your friends.
Okay. Please. Otherwise, they're just hearing you. Okay. sponsor for this video wonder now maybe you're like me and you see all your okay please otherwise
they're just hearing it okay this is my sponsor this is my sponsored ad read for wonder okay
playing around with these new ai art apps and you go oh i've got crazy ideas in my head
how do i bring them to life wonder is the app that's going to make it happen for you.
You can see it right here.
You just type in this little prompt, tell it whatever you want,
and it's going to spit out gorgeous AI-generated artwork that will impress your...
He typed in beautiful African queen.
Well, I had to do that for...
Okay, it gets better, though.
Friends and family.
Use the link in the description and you'll get access.
Anime style.
Wait a minute.
Beautiful or African Queen, what?
Anime style.
Anime style, okay.
To a free trial of the premium version, including over 20 art styles.
The company liked it.
Beautiful African Queen. Beautiful African queen.
Beautiful African queen anime style.
Well, it's a video about a Cleopatra documentary.
If only I had an app where I could fucking do an anime style on a beautiful African queen.
Faster generation, unlimited art, and best of all, no advertisers.
Man, hold on.
Tired of your friends always having the freshest anime?
Oh, did I not mix it right?
Wait, wait, is that beautiful anime women with rabbit ears?
Yeah. And the avatars? Now you fucked up the mix. right? Wait, wait, is that beautiful anime women with rabbit ears? Yeah.
And the avatars.
Now you fucked up the mix.
You've got a beautiful bunny girl
to take home to mom.
Oh, I put it in mono.
Have you and your partner
thought about adopting
a child from Mexico?
Adorable Mexican child
with a burrito bowl.
No longer,
because this brown baby boy
belongs to you.
And if your boss
is on your back
about finishing
Oh, I fucked it up.
You fucked it up.
Let him know you're entertaining
your Japanese host family.
And it's pizza time. So once again, use the- Dude, it was definitely Oh, I fucked it up. You fucked it up.
Dude, it was definitely... It was definitely stereo when I listened to it.
It must be my fault.
Pizza night with a zoom in on a little Japanese girl.
Yeah, I did a great ad read, but now I realize I fucked up the audio and I feel like an idiot.
Nah, it's funnier though, people are like ooh I gotta pay attention
It sounds fucked up
Nobody mentioned that that's weird
They probably thought you did it on purpose
The link in the description you're gonna get a free trial
Of the premium version of the app
It's gonna let you play around and make your imagination come true
You always do all these like double ads on this show
Cause I do a great ad read
We gotta get ad reads on this show. Because I do a great ad read. We got to get ad reads on this show.
Okay.
I nail it every time.
You do it while you're crying.
God.
This is the worst.
No, it's going to be great.
All right.
Where was it?
Oh, my God.
A lot of fucking comments here.
Jesus.
Oh, my God, guys.
There we go.
There we go.
Okay.
Okay, so that was Wet Bandit.
Wet Bandit 5.
Also, Mumkey and Eggie were talking about boxing yesterday.
Eggie says he's down to box Vito.
Do I know Eggie?
You do not want to fight Eggie.
Okay.
Eggie would fucking destroy you
Is he a big guy?
Uh
Eggie has
Eggie has more
Uh
Power in him
Than
Than probably ten men
Okay
He's a rapper
Egg White
You don't know who Egg White is?
I don't watch Mumkey's
I know Mumkey
I think I've seen Mumkey once
You know Mumkey Johns?
Mumkey
Mumkey we'd roll over
But Eggie
No
I don't like this
I don't like this
Influencer boxing
I think it's stupid
Yeah it's dumb
That Boogie fight
Was the most embarrassing
Fucking thing
For Boogie
For everyone
Yeah
For everyone
Because then Keemstar
Has to go and like
Tweet and be like
Oh wasn't it so inspiring
The way
I'm like no
What do you mean
No
Well they really Put their heart out there And I'm like You got two fat guys To't it so inspiring The way I'm like no What do you mean No Well they really put
Their heart out there
And I'm like
You got two fat guys
To fight because it's funny
Their hearts are like
The size of an elephant
And they're both
Fatter than shit
They didn't work out at all
No
They just got into a ring
For like ten thousand dollars
And beat each other
For laughs
For laughs
But he says he lost money
After paying the trainer
And whatever
He always lies
He always lies.
He always lies.
You mean his trainer a whore, right?
Oh, I paid all this money to my trainer.
Oh, was she a prostitute?
I hate
all the
guys who are like, well, you really got to give it
to him for getting into the ring.
No, you do it.
Look at me.
I gave it my all for that. I gave him my all for that.
I gave him my all for that fight.
I'm Boogie.
My tits hang down to my fucking knees.
That's not harassment.
That, but fucking Tess Holliday is harassment.
Tess Holliday is protected.
Fuck you.
Boogie's not protected because he's not a woman.
All right, well, I'm not going to fight Eggie.
I don't want to fight anyone.
I think all the influencer boxing is stupid. Eggie would beat anyone he fought, no matter what to fight Eggie. I don't want to fight anyone. I think all the influencer boxing is stupid.
Eggie would beat anyone he fought, no matter what.
Anyone on earth.
I don't want to fight him, then.
On the John for 550 Canadian.
Hey, Dick, did you see Vito let loose a...
You should rap, Eggie.
You should freestyle rap battle, Eggie.
I would probably do okay at that.
Yeah, I think you could beat Eggie.
I like freestyle rap battling.
I used to freestyle a little bit. At the next live show, could beat Eggie In freestyle rap battling I used to freestyle
At the next live show
Please ask Eggie if he would freestyle
Rap battle
Vito
We should do some freestyle rap battle
That would be more entertaining
Let's set up a YouTuber rap battle
Instead of this fucking influencer boxing shit
That would be more fun
Yeah let's do it
I would have fun with that
Okay
Anyway
Alright
Did you know I let loose
A TV off on my Zelda stream
The other night
I will look into it
Somebody send it in
You gotta send him a clip
Don't send it to me on Twitter
Send it to me on email
Yeah
Riley Edwards for 220
Says fat brain causes
Ear infection
Okay
Pigeon SA 174 for 10
Says thank you for not killing yourself.
Okay.
Antagonist for five says,
Vito, please get glasses that feed properly
so they won't fog up like that.
They only fog up in here for some reason.
Because of the air.
Yeah, I think it's because you have the air conditioner.
Whatever, I like fix it.
CG for 499,
couldn't even stick to his price cap for 15 seconds.
$3 is too much.
I would never pay for.
Five is inconceivable. I would pay three. That most seven bucks i would not pay seven but if i was really thirsty maybe d dots and 45 for five veto follow dick's advice lies and apologies
are free use them accordingly yeah just apologize to eric july i don't i like it's fine if me and
eric july don't like each other it me and Eric July don't like each other.
It makes sense
that we don't like each other.
No,
you would make more money
if you apologize to him.
And then you're like,
oh,
black people are,
it's so great
that you're like
doing this
and stuff.
I want,
I voted for Biden
and he's been really hard
on black people
and then you just say like,
like be like this
fucking Uncle Tom liberal.
Yeah. And you make some money you get some play
Eric
July has a he's a great
He's a great guy what a guy
He's funny you know what
He had a video recently where like a really
Dumb guy went at him and that was funny
Yeah and I was like jealous that he had a guy
That dumb well coming
At him I'm like I wish I had haters that dumb
You could be that dumb
Yeah
You could go in and say
And like be
Like purposefully dumb
To get play
It's a very complicated situation
But yeah
I don't know
Hey I love Eric Chilton
He's the best
Uh
LP Dirty T for 49
The TikTok pranks
For pouring water
From a gas can on people's cars.
Then an old dude pulled a gun on him.
An armed society is a polite society.
I almost watched that video before coming in.
I haven't seen it yet.
You see a guy's got a gas can.
He's pretending to pour gas on all people's shit.
Then he pulls a gun out.
I guess somebody must have pulled a gun on him.
I hope he gets shot.
That would be hilarious.
Some people have been getting shot.
Some guy got shot for, like, prank videos recently.
That's so funny.
Yeah.
That's such a great prank.
That's what happened to all those guys.
Yeah.
Fuzznut, 25 for 199.
Why do you want Biden to win?
Explain.
That's two bucks.
Nope.
Yeah.
You got to tell me more.
Guy Cool, 2456 for 30. You gotta tell me more Guy cool 2, 4, 5, 6 For 30
I tap
3 white
To cast Jihad
On no
Call to prayer
The beauty and might
Of Allah
Shines through the
Truly superior magic card
And not very
Haram Pokemon card
So did he just
Negate
The call to prayer
Donation of someone else
I think so
Now it's just 50
Now it's negative 5
We're not doing any more
Accruing and buying of points.
I'll give you this. I'll give you this.
Oh. There.
Dweb Winkle for five.
Vito saying everything is a nightmare is
new to me. I do say it a lot.
Oh, you said it. I suck at it.
You fucking said it.
Oh.
I do say that too often.
Let's see.
Thank you.
Fuzno25199 says, Vito, you're a baby.
Plus, you do know me and you love me.
You are.
You are my child, all of you.
Dominic1999 says, Vito, I haven't bought your comic because I have absolutely no money to spend right now.
Really a bummer.
I wish I had the change.
It really sucks.
Again, he sent that for 1999.
He spent to send that message.
Good that you got it through.
The message about how he has no money.
Spider-Turtle 2 says, you should be fair.
Vito is an insecure 12-year-old girl.
Yeah, there's some of that.
Matt M for 5 says, who needs red letter media when you have Tony from Hack the Movies Yeah Tony likes me
Cause Red Letter Media is
Good
They are the guys I ripped off the most
Red Letter Media
For a long time was the only YouTube channel I ever
Watched it's so everybody's talking about
Idubs right now And I'm literally
I'm like
I've never watched
A single Idubs video
Yeah
The only thing I know about him
Is Sam Hyde humiliated him
And it was really funny
Yeah
And he should've just rolled with it
Because it would've been cool
Yeah
If he said like
Man Sam Hyde's a genius
That was real crazy
He's gotta dump his fat wife
She looks like shit
I don't even know
What she looks like
Is how little I care about eye dubs.
If I had to fuck her, I'd probably
charge like $12,000.
Is it that bad?
I mean, she just
looks dumpy and shitty.
It's weird that all these guys are like...
It looks like her ass stinks.
Why do all these people have this connection to eye dubs?
I guess he just
was a big YouTube guy. He's like Maddox.
He's like, I'm just like calling
people out. Okay, man.
Wow, you're
calling out the attention whores. That's
fucking dope, dude.
Excuse me. I got something on my throat.
Dominic for $4.99 says, sorry.
Just had to say I've liked you for a long time,
so it'd really be a bummer if I couldn't get it.
You know, money is really tight right now.
You get it.
Oh, he's following up on the how he doesn't have any money.
Maybe if you had some more money.
Car Fro for $20 says, I love Vito.
Great strike as always.
And something about the call to prayer.
We're not doing it.
Sorry.
We have no time.
We'll give you,
I'll give you a $20 worth.
Oops.
$20 worth of call to prayer.
There.
There we go.
Legacy for five.
I see and reply to both of you all the time.
I have no delusions that we have a real social relationship.
Here's some money.
Well,
now we do have a real social relationship.
Tool chest for 10 says you're not anyone's internet dad
Vito comma veto you fucking
Idiot comma don't just do dad
Vito put the comments right
There it's like four letter
It's four keys away from the fucking V
Don't be so hard on yourself no one cares
I know and that's good to know
Dominic for one ninety nine
Says enjoy the show
Fuzz nut twenty five For for two, says, hurry, hide the shotgun.
Carlos Morongo for two says, wait a minute, Vito, no.
Yeah.
Pop Quiz for $199 puts a behind-the-scenes sticker.
Okay.
Oh, maybe that's when we went off the air.
I think so.
Riley says, you're going to make it, buddy.
Please do more acid this year.
You need it. I could use some acid. Do not do it. Do not do it. You got to vote. buddy Please do more acid This year you need it
I could use some acid
Do not do
Do not do
You gotta vote
I'll do it
I don't care
Did you roofie me dick
Did you
Wait a minute
Did you roofie me dick
Is that what caused
All this
Yeah probably
You drugged me
You motherfucker
David Gomez for two
We love you Vito
It gets real
Thank you.
Warren for 10.
The comic's going to be great.
Don't worry.
You're a funny guy.
Thank you, Warren.
Danny Fist says, Vito, someone needs to give you a hug.
Not me, but someone.
I tried to, but you were real weird about it.
I got to get back in there.
All right.
I don't need a hug.
I'm fine.
Dominic for 49.
They're raking in the super chats
Tonight boys
David Gomez for $2
Episode 91
Vito couldn't make it today
That's a good one
Guy Cool
$2,456 for $20
Thanks Carrie
You're a real one
I really feel what Dominic was saying
I'd love to order a comic Vito
But bread is hard to come
Alright I get the bet
Everybody's got money
Mad Hem for $5 Round of applause for Vito Jazz Fan bread is hard to come. All right. I get the bit. Everybody's got money. Matt
M for five, a round of applause for Vito jazz fan, 22 for five Vito. You don't have to be
my dad. You just have TBF to yourself. Okay. Warren for two super chest. Yeah. Carrie C for 10
You're not my real dad Vito
Yes I am
Wait is this a girl?
I think
Wait a minute
Yeah Carrie
I think Carrie's the one
Who comes by
That's the least erotic thing
You could ever be told
By a girl
You're not my real dad
You're not my real dad
You love
You love daddy
John Riffs for 5
Believe in the power of friendship
Among internet racists
Dominic for 5
Hey KK Carl This better be on Crimson Elite.
Oh, God.
Oh, God.
Oh, God.
Oh, God.
Oh, God.
Jim Satala for 99.
This episode was awesome.
Weird, but awesome.
Vito, you also said you started on testosterone replacement therapy.
I wonder if you also got anastrozole for estradiol suppression.
Oh.
That can cause massive hormonal emotional issues.
Are you on TRT?
I think I just need to sleep, guys.
Okay.
All right.
But sure, let's go with that theory.
Steve for two.
Best episode ever.
Best episode ever.
Exactly.
Yeah.
Okay.
Rex Saxon for five.
I hate whacking in the shower because it gets clumpy and clogs the drain.
But since Vito's about to cause a tissue shortage, I guess I can suffer.
Dominic for 49.
I spent $40 tonight, so I really can't buy the comic book.
All right.
I get the bit.
Buy the comic.
It's a funny bit.
We're going to hit.
I think we'll probably hit 35K.
That's what we're going to hit.
Carl LP for 1999. Vito needs to PDF file trade with Woody. That's how you get on the show.
Yeah. I don't know what's going on with that. Uh, Jay Thompson, 1327 for five. I met Ethan
back in the day. A few times I talked to JDA consistently. EBS is a good guy who, like
you said, it was railroaded. Yeah. Again, I've known John Delarose. People don't know this, but
that guy wrote a book
for the company I was working for, so I
met him back in the day.
And everybody hates that guy, too, and, you know,
calls him a conservative, you know, and then
you know, he's done some crazy shit. I get it.
You get it? I get it.
I mean, I get what he's doing. He's nuts.
But, uh, the hate's
too much out there.
LP Dirty T for $4.99.
John Carmack's now a Nazi for wanting to go to a convention.
Social media is making everyone crazy.
The good people will support you.
Use back buy.
Social media did not do this.
People have been crazy for a long time.
I think a long, long time.
They were hiding under desks in case of nuclear bombs.
I think people look. I think the root of like most. They were hiding under desks in case of nuclear bombs. I think people, look, I think the root
of like most... They hung witches.
I think the root of
most problems comes down to like
economic insecurity
and when people are losing their jobs
because they supported the wrong president
it makes people go fucking
nuts. It makes people go crazy. I totally
get it. Okay, like I've
lost out on opportunities because
of like dumb shit i believe or have said or whatever else and it just makes you fucking nuts
and uh that's the worst thing about this cancel culture uh shit is it just makes everybody
go fucking crazy um where are we uh go down right there corn pop corn pop puts a picture of a duck
Go down right there.
Corn pop.
Corn pop puts a picture of a duck.
Cool.
Pissing on something.
Pig.
Is it a pig?
I think so.
I don't know.
Another duck.
I think it's a duck.
It's a chicken pissing on a duck.
How about that?
How about that?
Only in America.
Crab Zula for 555 Canadians says 30% of Canadians support prescribing assisted suicide for homelessness.
Yeah. Let's get those numbers up, folks. Yeah. Stinky poopy
face for five. Great show,
guys. Excited to get out of work early enough to catch
the show live and leave a super chat. Keep up the good work.
Thanks. Did you see it? Fantastic.
Yeah. I don't think you
saw the show because I derailed the
fuck out of it. Jefferson for
$9.99 USD says,
Dick, I'm buying the shirt if I have to watch your
show on Cozy.
It'll be on Rumble, too.
It'll also be on Rumble.
It's going at the same time.
And then Jew H, who is, well, that's his name, donates $220 Canadian dollars.
How much is that?
Wait a minute.
And does not leave a message.
Wait a minute.
Is that worth something or what?
Yes, that's worth something. $220 Canadian USD. I think that's like $100. Wait a minute. Is that worth something or what? Yes, that's worth something. 220
Canadian and USD.
Canadian is...
Whoa! It's 150 bucks!
Yeah, it's like 150 bucks. Whoa!
Wow! That's incredible.
Wow!
Wow!
He didn't ask for a call to prayer!
My father! My god One time
If you ever
Have cried
On the Pokemon card
You never
Never cry on the Pokemon card. You never, never cry on the Pokemon card.
Magic, the cards
bend like a canoe.
Bend like a canoe,
but the Pokemon card
straight as arrow
as a tectonic plate
as a law.
You can cry, cry, cry
like child on Pokemon card.
They are fine.
You lose at last minute.
Not to draw a good energy.
Can't pull your Regigigas out of the graveyard into play.
You can cry.
Magic.
Not possible.
Can't even breathe on the card.
Or else you will go like a Mexican jumpy beats.
Boop, boop, boop, boop, boop.
Popping all over like a magic card trick.
The magic card quality is getting a little better.
Magic card quality goes at the bottom.
Magic card quality, woman quality.
High body count, woman quality, virgin, not much higher.
Not much higher than that.
You should get a pack of Dominaria Remastered.
Those were some crisp cards, I tell you what.
Pokemon cards, I think you can use it as placemat.
Thicker than a placemat of solar system around the back.
Pokemon cards do look pretty nice.
They're pretty good.
Can carve all the teaching of Allah on the back.
I am pretty jealous of how nice the Pokemon cards look.
Maybe magical ketchup.
And thick of them.
Can't even shuffle them.
They're so thick.
You ever get one of those textured Pokemon cards?
It's like, you can feel it.
Yes, it's for a braille.
The people that have cursed,
Allah sometimes have cursed men with blindness.
All women cursed with blindness, number one.
Can't drive.
But some men cursed with blindness,
so they have to feel the back of the Pokemon card.
All right.
There's your call to prayer.
Thank you.
Thank you, you Jew H
For the
J-U
Not J-E-W
But you're saying
You're saying it like
You're obviously thinking Jew
Jew H
I don't know how to say it otherwise
Juh H
Two goddamn gentlemen for five
Says that's how you know
Vito isn't brackets
He can't say Zick
Another guttural
Jesus fucking Christ D.Dotson 45 for two veto tbf
you need a laugh i'm hoping jihado bot for 25 just says please oh you got your jihad you got
your fucking call to prayer snazzy rats for 20 says this show has made two guys cry so far who
was the other one yeah i don't know. Did anybody cry on the previous show?
Oh, Maddox.
Maddox cried, yeah.
How many episodes
of The Dick Show
have that guy
randomly break down
for no good reason?
Drunk in 80's Studio
for two.
Rap battle is better
than influencer boxing.
Eggie.
You gotta call Eggie out.
Yeah, I wanna fight Eggie.
Hold on, let me...
No, I don't want...
Let me get a beatbox. Hold on. Beat. Oh, I want to fight Eggie. Hold on, let me get a beat box.
Hold on.
Oh, we're going to rap?
Rap, freestyle.
Freestyle rap beat.
Freestyle rap beat.
Okay.
You got to issue a challenge to Eggie.
All right, let's do it.
Yeah, here you go.
Here you go.
Here you go.
Ready?
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah.
MC in the house.
Oh. Oh!
Oh!
I gotta wait for the beat to drop here.
Yeah, Vito.
Super killer.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Super killer.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
I'm a grown man crying on the internet.
Dropping limes and I ain't gonna break a sweat.
Fuck Aggie, I'ma fuck that motherfucker up
hit him with my mad fucking uppercut lyrical style like you ain't ever fucking seen better open up
your best fucking magazine see me busting out style with the mad rhymes if i ain't get my rhymes
and it's a crime veto g drop it so easily ain't no motherfucker gonna step to me But Eggie is a motherfuckin' F-slur
You know that I fuck his girlfriend, I fucked her
Oh, this is what I'm gonna do
Gonna drop a lyrical style onto you
You better back off with your boxin' F-shit
I don't give a fuck, you're gonna get hit by this bird
Oh my god!
Oh my god! Oh my god!
Eggie totally destroyed!
Whipped! Eggie has been whipped!
The eggs have been whipped!
The jello is jiggling!
The yolk has been
extracted!
The egg was fermented right now!
Did you see that, honey?
Did you?
Wow!
Trader Joe's Fertilized Eggs.
That's what that was.
Oh my god!
Wow! It was a rough draft.
Get the super chats
in. Get the super chats
in. Oh my god!
Oh, Eggie, it's over!
Eggie, it is over for you.
Sunnyside
down.
Woo!
We'll try. We'll make something happen.
I think if we did influencer rap battling, it would be
cool. Oh, if it was like
that, yeah.
Oh my god.
Like I
said, you know, when I was in high school everybody was into rap
Where?
Fucking Oakland. No, it's all white kids like pretending to be rappers. That's all I grew up around
Aggie
Does Aggie rap is that even a thing? I don't know if he raps that good
He's a famous rapper, yeah.
Oh, okay.
Eggie is a famous rapper.
Well, maybe we can...
It wasn't that good.
It was all right.
All right, well, I think we should make the rap battle happen.
The gauntlet is down.
The gauntlet is down, Egg White.
Joe Ray for 99.
Egg White, you have nothing on my man Vito.
I don't know what this episode is.
Nothing.
And Monkey Jones, you have not as good film reviews as Vito also.
This episode is a tonal mess.
It is all over the place.
What is the arc of this episode?
Joe Ray for 999.
Best episode yet
Biggest breakdown in the universe
Utah-based Armenian for $2
Says use this for the Star Wars Galactic Star Cruiser
They're closing the Star Wars hotel
I'm never gonna get to go
Cause I don't have six grand
Can you like buy it out of the garbage?
I wanna sneak into it after they shut it down
But I'm sure they'll just
I don't know, knock the whole thing down
Human Dynamo for five
I just want to say I recently watched Kingpin
And Dumb and Dumber, and Kingpin has to be
Fairly Brothers
Fuck
What?
You didn't say it
Well, yeah, it has to be
I suck, Cox
To be
I didn't even think you said it yet
I said Fairly Brothers I started saying Fairly Brothers Wow I suck, Hawks. I didn't even think you said it yet.
I said Farrelly Brothers.
I started saying Farrelly Brothers.
Wow.
Got me.
Good one.
Farrelly Brothers humor at its finest.
That was a good one.
Good one, Human Dynamo. It was so good that Dick didn't even recognize it.
I was reading it and I was like, well, you didn't get there.
I got there.
I'm pretty sure.
You did.
You did.
You did.
Granola Boy for five.
Hey, Dick, I'm late.
Is there a plan for the TDS Videos fan archive project? Do you have
them still? Uh, yeah, yeah.
You have them somewhere? I'll talk about it. Yeah.
I'm figuring out. Yeah.
I wondered if I had any, but I don't think I do.
Bermudav3 for
five. Vito, why do you always look like the PDF
file and always sunny the fat one? I don't remember
that character.
TheGeekGetAway for two said, did I miss Vito crying?
I think you did.
Yeah.
That didn't happen.
What are you talking about?
Nam-a-my for $1.99.
Shout out to Gabe Itches.
Gabe Itches.
I get it.
Yeah.
Guy Cool, two, four, five, six for five.
The one show I donate to, there's no call to prayer.
You got it.
You got it.
You got it.
It happened.
CG for $4.99.
Liberals in these corps
Are just enforcing
New age blasphemy laws
Instead of a witch trial
They just want you
To kill yourself
Just laugh at them
Move on
I mean there is some of that
I mean I talk to some
Of these guys
And like I do get the feeling
That they're like
I wish all these conservatives
Would just kill themselves
And I'm like well you can't
That's not gonna happen
And stop
Stop wanting that
Oh my god What is happening Okay there we go Carlos Maringo for two I'm like, well, you can't. That's not going to happen. And stop wanting that.
Oh, my God.
What is happening?
Okay, there we go.
Carlos Marengo for two.
150 USD.
That's 7.5 TBFs from Vito.
He did the math.
David Gomez for five.
Don't worry.
I'll always follow slash pay for both shows, even if they get banned,
even if I blow the unhoused behind a dumpster for it. No, kill the unhoused.
We're going to get banned.
Stop it.
Just kidding.
In Minecraft.
Just kidding.
In Minecraft.
Bermuda for five.
Fire Vito.
Freestyle WF.
Guy cool for five.
There was a call to prayer and all fairness.
Anytime I see the word fair now, I'm like, God damn it.
I rescind my statement.
Vito Jizzy G got bars
Steve for five
Can't quit now
It can't get better than this
Manny Muskets for five
I quit rap and started comedy
Because I couldn't do what Vito just did
Thank you
Carl LLP for $9.99
A little bit more dollars for that freestyle
Yeah good
Okay
More money
Max Saxon for two says
I don't know if it was this show
But a stereo's cried
Did that happen?
Oh yeah
Yeah
On your show?
Yeah I think so
Fantastic
GranolaBoy for five
Turn it up
Billy the guy in the YouTube chat
Too poor to buy a super chat
But who I graciously gave a voice
Long live Billy
Okay well that's enough
Okay
You didn't get in at this point
Go fuck yourself
Uh
Do we fix that thing
With the list of people
Or do we still not fix that? No I didn't fix it Okay we need to fix that thing with the list of people or do we still not
fix no i didn't fix it okay we need to fix that well that was the worst episode ever
sorry that's going down in the history books of all-time greatest broadcasts
of internet broadcasting cringe of the week i will kill no i won't you know this will be cringe
of the year are you kidding a i've been, I won't. Vito, this will be cringe of the year. Are you kidding?
A panicked breakdown where people are worried if you're going to fucking kill yourself, me included.
I don't even know what I'm upset about.
I'm just, I want everybody.
I'm upset about my shirt.
I want everybody to be happy.
I want everybody to make money.
I don't want anybody to be deplatformed.
I didn't even want to, and I know people are probably going to say, oh, Vito's a hypocrite
because he was mad at Alex Jones or whatever.
I don't even want, I didn't even want those guys to be deplatformed.
I don't want it.
I'm going to find the people who fucks with me and I'll fuck with them big time.
I don't like, yeah, well, I don't like this reporting people and the snitching and the
whatever else.
Yeah.
Well, that's fine.
If you fuck with me, I'm coming to fuck with you big time.
I'm not going to stop.
I don't know if that's the right.
I'm going to find some kids.
I'm going to pay them to fuck with your kids when they get older.
I'm getting fucking full on Hannibal Lecter, the show, not the movie on your ass.
I just want Sam Hyde to get a movie and everybody to be happy.
That's fine.
And I'm not stopping then.
Don't forget Super Killer is still available on Indigo.
Bye, guys.
Bye, everybody.
Where did I put my shoe?
There it is.
Well, at least it's a memorable show.
Wow.
What a show.
Jesus Christ, look at the Super Chat total.