The Bill Bert Podcast - The Bill Bert Podcast | Episode 14 w. Gilbert Gottfried

Episode Date: May 13, 2020

Bill and Bert prattle with the amazing Gilbert Gottfried about movie sequels, being in piece of shit movies, and their dream girls.

All right, everybody, what's up? It's time for another pandemic episode of The Bill. Bert. Pod. Cast. What's going on? We, uh, this is the first time I think- That was really synchronized.

Yeah. That was like watching synchronized swimming, how you did that. That was, that was Olympic. And you did so gracefully. it's a little gracefully. It's a little better when we're actually sitting next to one another. So we're doing what we can. We're hoping. I wouldn't want to sit next to him. All right.

I'm happy for the pandemic. So I have an excuse not to sit next to him oh now have you you've been actually enjoying the I kind of liked it for the first couple of weeks now I'm like I'm kind of going nuts with it but I didn't mind a couple weeks off though yeah I am the same way I was thinking I got to cancel a bunch of gigs that I have to fly to. I'm fine with that. Yeah. They're very responsible.

Yeah. I also realized how boring my life was to begin with that I don't notice that big a difference. Oh, and I got to thank you for appearing in the documentary about me. Oh, no problem. Well, you know, they offered me a, you know, ham sandwich or something. I said, all right, I'll pretend that I like them. No, I'm a huge fan of yours. Ever since I think the first thing I saw you on,

well, probably Beverly Hills Cop, but was that was before stand up, stand up live? It was cop two. Yeah. You also, you also did one of the coolest jokes I saw. You were at Nick's Comedy Stop in Boston and they put all these, you know, big headliners on front of you with local references, murdering, talking about drinking and driving and doing blow and all that stuff.

And I'll never forget, you went up there with this giant yellow sweater on. And you went up there and the crowd didn't know what to make of you. You were killing all the comics. All the crowd was staring at you like you had five heads. And at one point you did this joke.

You did this joke. You said, I was at a party the other night. You were playing with the joke you said i was at a party the other night you played with the mic stand is that a party oh yes i i i was at a party and i ran into jackie onassis and i figured i'd play a little party game to break the ice so i, do you remember where you were? And what? And she just walked away. Talk about conceited. You didn't even tag it that night. You just said, do you remember where you were? And then there was like 10 comics laughing in the background

and the rest of the crowd was waiting for the punchline to come. And you did run off stage, though, because remember, Nix, you had to walk the gauntlet through the crowd? Yes. And I remember you just sort of had this look of 10 more paces. Oh, yes. Yes. How can I escape?

You were doing aggressive material back when cancel culture was, I'll meet you by the bathroom. Oh, yeah. Yeah. you were doing aggressive material back when cancel culture was i'll meet you by the bathroom oh yeah what's the most aggressive what's the most aggressive upset fan you've ever gotten at a club oh god uh i've had people yelled something or say I'm never coming back here. Like, Oh, like I'll notice. I'll say, where's that guy from the last time? I really thought he'd be coming back. We do have a couple of fan questions here. I heard allegedly,

I don't want to out the movie, but I don't think anybody's going to get in trouble, so I'll say it anyways. You were in Ford Fairlines starring the great Andy Dice Clay, and I heard that you may or may have not have gotten hurt on the set. Oh, excellent. I, in the scene where I get electrocuted, they put some liquid on me to make smoke be coming up from me. And it went through my shirt and burned my stomach. I had like burns around. Luckily, it healed up. Was it something that you noticed in the moment or was it later when you went home?

Well, it started burning when I was doing the scene and I still had to play dead rather than scream in pain. I was like, you know, but yeah, yeah. I got a burn on my stomach from it. Oh, I thought you got actually got electrocuted. That's how I heard the story. That would have been a better story. Hey, Gilbert, who is the, like, in all your years of comedy, you've probably, you've been up the probably up here the entire time who are the guys that you've seen blow up and then fall back down who are the guys that blow up and were the biggest dicks and then the guys that blew up and were the coolest guys

oh there there were a few somebody i won't say their names the ones just say what they rhyme with some i i won't say their names the ones just say what they rhyme with yeah because there there were a few at the clubs that were major stars in those little clubs like catching the improv in the comic strip they they were over there they were like uh charlie chaplin they were big and uh then they and they had an attitude and then gone really yeah then and now we're like with all of them uh i every now and then i'll remember a name of a comic or just their face and I'll go oh god that guy was a prick he thought he was such hot shit and now where that is he still alive you know I remember back in the day when the whole thing was about coming out here getting a TV set and getting a sitcom and all of that shit and there was you'd see all of that shit. And there was, you'd see all of these guys,

they'd get a show on the air. And before even the third episode aired, they'd buy the big flashy car, the giant house and all of that. And then like halfway through the first season or go like, maybe even just go like a season. They, you know, the thing gets taken off the air, doesn't get renewed, gets canceled, whatever.

They would lose all of their stuff. And I remember standing with Patrice out in front of the improv talking to a showrunner who had like more money than God, but was dressed like he was going to Home Depot. So we figured he knew about money. I remember asking him, we were like, when should you get the car? And he was saying, he goes, after the third season, if you had good ratings and once you knew the fourth season, he goes, then you get the car. He goes, definitely buy some property, but don't buy this huge thing. And I'm not going to say the comic's name, but one of them. I mean, it was like right out of Boogie Nights.

He bought a mansion, a giant car, and like a mountain of blow. And like, you know, I think he went up against Monday Night Football. What the hell happened? There was some major, oh, the Iraqi war started. The Iraqi war started. The Iraqi war started. And then that was it. And then they, they, the first one, and then they brought it back. And I think it went up against like Monday night football. And it was, it was just, it was over. Yeah. Well, there's, there's all these people, the minute they make a dime and they go, oh, well, now I've made it. And now this is, it's just going to keep rolling in. And yeah, they start spending their money like crazy. And yeah. And the show will show like twice. Well, you've always been known as a, uh, quite the big spender.

It's dropping 20s all over. I mean, honestly, dude, you are known as like one of the most, uh, frugal. I'll use that word. Yes. I told that story in your documentary. I remember doing a voiceover in New York and you had just been in there. And I forget what I asked for, but they were cleaned out of everything. Because you had just been there. And by the time they were done telling the story, I just had this picture of you with this like dish of mints, emptying it into your giant cargo pants.

Yeah, I'm a big snorer when I go to places that have, like, stuff lined out for you. Like, I'm taking the potato chips candy. I know. What do you do with all those hotel shampoos? I saw that in the doc. You had, like, drawers full of them. See, I got the last laugh on that one. Now the pandemic starts and I've got like 10 million shampoos.

I just love that not one of them match. Not one was the same brand. It was like a thousand. It was like somebody that's into like bourbon who has all these different types of bourbons, except it was shampoo all these little one shots and also was a testament to how much road work you've done oh yeah see that's something i don't miss it with the pandemic the road stuff yeah what airport do you hate the most oh god i don't know i hate all. Okay, what's your favorite airport? Because I'll start.

DFW is my favorite. They've got so much cool shit there. You know what they have there? They have mini suites where you can go in and get a room and kick out, take your shoes off, make cocktails out of your bag. I love mini suites. Oh, wow. That sounds good.

Because, yeah, I hate – and airline travel gets worse and worse each time. It's going to get worse, they say, is that no more in-flight cocktails, no more in-flight meals, and everyone's got to wear a mask. Oh, God. Yeah, but you still make it across the country in six hours, so I still think that's better than doing the Oregon Trail. Don't you think? Not having to worry about getting scalped by the indigenous people that resent you coming there with your measles.

Yeah, what was it like doing the road when the Native Americans owned that land, Gilbert. Gilbert, what are your opinions on female comics? I still think they shouldn't be allowed to vote. Hey, let's do a bunch of Gilbert's old jokes. Yes. Hey, let's do a bunch of Gilbert's old jokes. Yes. What year did you start doing stand-up? Who was president?

Jimmy Carter? I think Taft. Yeah, first time I got up on a stage, I was 15. Wow. Oh, my God. I'm sorry. Eisenhower. Yeah.

Hey, were you part of that whole crew over there, a Catch a Rising Star that used to go to the Green Kitchen and all that legendary Upper East Side stuff I always heard about? Yeah. I don't remember, like, big mobs of people at the Green, but we'd go over to the Green Kitchen. What was your favorite club back then? Was it the Improv, the Catch? Yeah, well, like, the Improv was the first one.

And then Catch came a couple of years later. And then years after that the comic strip oh wow and then at one point they were opening up all over the place and all opening and failing wasn't danger fields there first? Oh, I forget when Dangerfield's. Late 60s, early 70s, I think. Yeah. As far as some of the pictures on the wall, I mean, they got a picture of Elvis in there, I think. Well, maybe that's just a picture of him with the president,

but it's where he hasn't become fat yet, but he has grown his hair. Oh, yeah. He has the fat Elvis yet, but he has grown his hair. Oh, yeah. He has the fat Elvis haircut, but he's not fat yet. Wait, Bill, did you ever meet Dangerfield? Yes. Yeah, I used to meet him at the Laugh Factory.

It was great. He'd come out with his wife, who, you know, beautiful woman, who just really, just really took care of him. And, you know, he'd come in, you know, beautiful woman who would just really, just really took care of him. And, you know, he'd come in, you know, just look, you know, it was, it really wasn't an act a lot of it. He was coming in, like looking like he wanted to jump out of his own skin, but then he would just go up there and he was always trying new jokes. I remember I used to want me and Bob Marley, we used to hang in the back and break down, like watching him work and, and not even so much the jokes. Like if a joke didn't work,

watch how he got out of it. If he used, you know, he had all these different mannerisms and all this type of stuff that he did. Yeah. I also saw him on the, uh, the Back to School tour in the summer of 86. I saw Eddie Murphy on the Raw tour that summer. And then I saw Rodney Dangerfield with Jeff Nelson opening up. I remember one time Rodney was on stage trying out new stuff. And he wasn't getting anything back from the crowd and he goes hey if someone tells you you're a great crowd you spit in their face okay i appeared in two uh piece of shit rodney dangerfield films you did yeah meet wally sparks oh that was a great

fucking movie that was a great fucking movie if you were a certain age that's a good movie yeah there's a look every rodney dangerfield from my age like when i found him in caddyshack and i was like oh that's my guy not knowing anything about him all his movies what's the other one the other one I guarantee you didn't see and that's back by midnight I did not see that yeah I never even heard of that either the what I said I never even heard of that no most, most people haven't. I remember I would go on the set and they'd be like weird, like Arabic looking guys hanging around. I guess they invested money in this.

I actually had Rappin' Rodney on vinyl. Oh. Do you remember that album where he's got the my god hip-hop well yeah became like the fad thing and all of a sudden he jumped in on that i've been trying to ask you this i'm sorry with the delay here with the zoom we're doing the best we can here was the um when you started at 15 you must have started around the time uh you're a little bit older than Eddie, but you must have started around the same time as Eddie Murphy, right? I don't remember. I think Eddie started a couple, a few years later, because I'm older. Yeah, I'm older than Eddie. Yeah, he started, you started in 1970, roughly, I'm guessing. Who was in your class? your class who like who did you start with who were

the funny thing when i first started and it was that thing of hanging out at these clubs trying to get on and just leaving at three in the morning without getting on i remember gabe Kaplan still would come in. And that whole Welcome Back, Cotter was like a bit he used to do. And that was made into a TV show, obviously. And let me see who else would go in there. Well yeah that's that's the the oldest one i remember scape caplan that guy has one of the most unique careers i've ever seen absolutely where i've never seen a guy like make it as a comedian have like a hit show i mean like the sweat hogs were like the beatles on tv for a minute the monkeys, I would say is probably a better reference.

And Travolta was like the other Fonzie. Yeah. It was like a modern era Fonzie. And then that show ends and next thing you know, he just becomes a professional poker player. Yeah. And it's been doing that so long. He's not like famous anymore for that other shit he's known he got famous twice yeah incredible it's like uh now no if you say his name to most people no one will know who he is but yeah the the poker playing is i think he's making more through the poker playing than

he ever made in his showbiz career yeah something happened i either made so much money and he said i'm out or he got screwed so bad that the casinos look like a better move but the guy wins every once in a while i'll just put it i'll put onPN, and he'll be sitting there with the hat on, no mustache. And someone always makes a reference to it, but I just sit there staring at him like, that is fucking Gabe Kaplan. That is a TV star, famous comedian, and he just walked away and goes to fucking Harris, playing like Seth Godstead.

And he doesn't give a fuck you know it's like okay I'm a poker player now I don't know I think it's kind of cool to be honest with you and I and he's more than supporting himself on it

how often did you see Richard Pryor pop into a club I don't remember ever seeingor pop into a club? I don't remember ever seeing him pop in a club. I was in, oh, I was in a piece of shit movie with Richard

Pryor. It was the last of the Richard Pryor, Gene Wilder movies. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Which one? I didn't make it to the final cut. I worked there for two weeks. Peter Bogdanovich was directing it.

And it was awful. And I worked there for two weeks. And I remember, then we get an announcement that they fired Peter Bogdanovich. They're going to scrape old previously shot footage. footage and then I'll call us all back and then when they called back they I was one of the people dropped and I I was glad because I knew this would be a bomb and it was called another you yeah I vaguely remember that hey how many movies how many piece of shit movies have you done with super famous comedians you did one with Rodney one with Richard you ever do a piece of shit movies have you done with super famous comedians? You did one with Rodney, one with Richard. You ever do a piece of shit one with Cosby or Carlin? Oh, well, I, I did two TV shows with Cosby, but never- I'm not saying the comic is a piece of shit. I mean,

what you were in a piece of shit. what you were in a piece of shit. Yeah. He, um, I, I unfortunately was never in Leonard part six or ghost dad. Leonard part six, not only at one of the worst movies, that was even bad when I saw it back then, just a mess of a fucking movie. Um, it just, the name was terrible. It was even bad when I saw it back then. Just a mess of a fucking movie. It just, the name was terrible.

Yeah, cause the name was supposed to be real funny that it's part six and there wasn't a one through five. And so if that's the joke you're hanging the movie on, you're in deep. I know it had no ring. It had no ring. It had no flow. It was just Leonard part six. I just remember the end.

I swear to God, he rides an ostrich or something. Some sort of fucking bird. I just kept going, this is so Cosby. This has to be funny. And I was just sitting there like, whatever. When we first got cable, I was like 13 or 14, just watching the movie, waiting for it to get funny. And then the end, I just was sort of confused. Because I think at that point, you know, at that point, when you're that young, especially then before there was internet, and you know, just had just gotten

cable, any movie was a good movie. Anytime you got to go to a movie, you were psyched, you got popcorn and candy. Like I remember seeing Love at First Bite. It was like a disco vampire movie. I saw that. I was thinking, like, that was a good movie. Well, I, you know, that's something that depresses me. The age of going to the movies, going to the movies is over with. Yeah.

Movie theaters, the ones that haven't closed already will definitely close during the pandemic. And so movie going is something that people will be talking about in the future. I heard there was a thing called movie theaters and you'd leave your house and go there. It was a big room with chairs and everyone sat there. And that feeling when you're waiting around and then the lights go slightly dim and you go, oh, did the lights just go?

This means the movie's starting. What do you think? Do you think it's because there's been so much more content that the threshold to put out a good movie is higher? Because I saw so much stuff in the movie theaters. Yeah, and when you think about movies that you saw in the movie theaters, and nowadays they could never make it into a movie theater.

They'd say there's just not the money and like look at and i mean i hated these but uh look at like they used to have movies like crocodile dundee and crocodile dundee two and three and those could you imagine trying to bring that into a movie theater now no i mean no i it's it's so funny they used to take movies like jaws would do well and then they'd come out with like five movies similar to it like i remember going to see orca yes and then they had then there was uh alligator yeah which it was an had, then there was, uh, alligator. Yeah. It was an alligator movie. Then there was a giant python. They rebooted that as the Anaconda series. Yeah.

And then they had one with a bear and, and they said, they advertised it as the deadliest jaws on land is grizzly and and it was the same it was always we can close this park we make a lot of money in it it those campers could have been killed by squirrels we're gonna need a bigger tent hey did you ever see when michael cain got shit for like jaws 3 or something oh yes yes such a great quote they go hey michael have you actually seen jaws 3 he goes no i haven't but i've seen the house that it bought that is the perfect answer if someone is shitting on the movie i just remember him in that helicopter going get the bloody hell out and i remember the movie the star of the movie was the sheriff from the first movie's wife

yep yeah and i'm thinking oh that's someone the whole audience who wants a movie starring the sheriff's wife and then when they build out a character like they've just made so many that then they're like, all right, fuck it. Now you're the lead. I remember seeing just another 48 hours and all of a sudden they made Kehoe, this just sort of random character

who had a couple of lines in the first one. All of a sudden he was the big guy who double crosses everybody. It's just like, where the fuck did that come from? There was no build to him. it was just like this big surprise like i almost felt like the writers wrote themselves into a corner it's like how the did we get out of there well who's in the sea there's eddie there's nick nolte and the guy who plays key jack kehoe or whatever his name was we'll put it on him

it's like with every sequel forgets everything they learned in the previous ones. Like with Jaws, each time they're denying there's a shark. You know, after like 10 times, you'd have to say, yeah, there is a shark. And yes, we should close down the beach. And absolutely, we need a bigger boat. In the sequels, they'd be going out in a little motorboat to fight the shark. If you had one interaction with a 25-foot great white shark, you would go nowhere near the fucking ocean

for the rest of your life. Yes. I'd take a plane off that island and I'd live in the desert somewhere. You know my favorite one as far as not learning from the previous movie, was the character Private Hooks in the Police Academy movies.

Every episode, she's always this weak, mousy, don't, blah, blah, blah. And then in the end, she would always be like, don't move, dirtbag. And the whole place would go nuts that she finally found her voice and was, like, tough. And then the next movie, she'd be mousy again. Yeah. I'm not the only guy that watched all eight of those. Oh, no.

I saw those movies. In the Death Wish movies, Charles Bronson would always forget at the beginning of the movie that he's a vigilante. And he'd be working a nine-to-five job and only until his girlfriend or someone he knows was raped and killed. a nine to five job and only until his girlfriend

or somebody knows was raped and killed. Then he'd remember, oh yes, Philante. And I go out and kill people. It was unbelievable. Every single time they got raped and killed. Everywhere he went and he kept moving to new places. It's like, Charles, how about you don't live in a fucking city? Why don't you try going out in the country this time? At least you can see the rapists coming up your long driveway. You can meet one of those farmers only chicks.

They're probably good with a gun. And it's like when you'd watch the later death wish ones, then it was like, well, somebody get Raiden killed already so he could get into action here. Oh, my favorite line. I swear to God, that movie was all one takes. Every set up was one take. Absolutely. I like when he, dude, it was such a low budget by

the third or the fourth one. I remember he came, me and my buddy used to make fun of this. He came walking up and there's like all these, you know, Puerto Rican kids and shit, like fucking spraying on his Vito white Cadillac Seville and they were writing all this crap. And he was just like, what are you doing? And I'm like, who the fuck do you care honky motherfucker? And then he just goes, it's my car.

Literally that was the delivery. It was just like, it's like, are they workshopping this shit? And in that same one, that was three. In that same one, my favorite scene is he, of course, gets a girlfriend and she's in her car and one of the like thugs punches her, knocks her out and then like hits the brake and car, of course, explodes and giant flames are shooting up. Br go, okay, walk, now turn around and come back here. Like they were directing a dog. And I know that younger people are going like, well, why did you watch all of these? It's like there wasn't a Netflix back then. Like I watched all the Porky's.

I watched all the Friday the 13th, all the Friday the 13th all the Death Wishes all the Police Academies all the Jaws like all the Freddy Krueger's and you just be sitting there going this sucks this is number seven is so much worse than number four or whatever and you just had nothing to do there was you know there's just nothing to do. You just sat there fucking watching these awful sequels one after another. And I would watch all the crappy horror films, like the zero budget, all the slasher films that had their own. They weren't Friday the 13th or Halloween. They were their own. Each one was making same exact plot in each one. Something bad happened years ago.

10 years later. And, and it's always like, uh, if, if you had sex in the movie, you were dead. Oh yeah. That was a big one anybody who had sex was dead anybody taking a shower was dead anybody going to check something out i'm gonna go check the garage real quick i'm gonna go check that out i'm gonna go by myself to check the garage where all the lights are out yeah but you know what's crazy is that you watch that in a movie and you go why the fuck would you go by yourself how the other day i'm walking back by my house

and i go i'm gonna go out in the alley and bring the stuff in from the alley and then i'm thinking in a horror movie this is where i fucking die but i have no fear in the moment oh another person who dies in those if you make a joke if you're a jokester and uh you're laughing at it when other people are scared then you're the next one to go you actually get a worse death you get an extra bad death we're not believing in this stupid character that they came up that they're gonna milk for another six movies i i remember there was one i forget the name of it like you know the impaler the slicer or something like that and i always love the blurb for it on the poster the slogan and it said uh by knife by by ax, by pick, bye-bye. And I always love, I always love the slogans on the posters.

You know, like. I wish, I don't know. There is something great about having a flat screen TV and not having anybody talking behind you. There is something great about that. But I have found no matter how much you try to reproduce the refreshments, that's never the same. And then also I've been in a couple of people's houses that have like home theaters. And those things suck. The chairs are never comfortable.

It's just like you're in a house. Like we should all be fucking laying down. And now we're all sitting in like these movie chair chairs. I think I've been in one that was ever good. You're always like a thousand feet away from the fucking screen. I don't understand them. Yeah. You'd rather be on a couch in someone's house where you can really

be comfortable yeah the best the best home theater experience is your own bedroom laying in your bed is way better yes and oh there i i just have to get back to cosby for one second and pop back in my head. When he was like the king of Coca-Cola, he used to do all the Coke commercials. Then they came out with new Coke. That was a massive failure. And he did commercials promoting new Coke saying, you know, I love new coke more than i love the original coke and and then when they when new coke was first sign it was a failure he got angry and i think he quit working for them

and his excuse and reason was he said it made him look unreliable. I thought he was going to say the date rape drug had no effect if you dropped it in new Coke. He liked that it worked faster with the older formula. I got to tell you, man, that's still, that whole story. You know, that thing, if you took a time machine, you know, from back in the day and you said, all right, a big comic is going to jail for doing this shit. You got a thousand guesses.

I don't think I'd guess him. No. Yeah. Yeah. It's, who are some of them that you would have thought would have been guilty of that oh i would have guessed you but you're too small and i wouldn't spend money on the the sleeping drug yeah and i would i would have thought like Bob Hope would have done something like that. Why him?

Why? I don't know. He looked it. There always looked something shifty about Bob Hope. He does have a squirrely looking face. Yeah. You can put a rapist in a tuxedo, but you can't take the rape. I don't know how that goes.

Yeah. You can put a rapist in a tuxedo, but you can't take the rape. I don't know how that goes. Yeah. But there was something about movie theaters that like when you saw Jaws movie, the entire audience screamed at the same time. And when Bronson killed somebody, the entire audience cheered at the same time. So that's gone.

Yeah. Because the scream, I mean, I'm a big screamer and the last scary movie I saw in a movie theater. You know what that sounds like. I'm a size queen and a screamer. And so I saw the ring in a movie theater, and my scream was scaring the fuck out of the people around us. It was so much more eventful of like, I'd be like, motherfucker! And everyone would scream. And so, yeah, you're right.

A scary movie with strangers was ten times more scary. Yeah, everyone would scream at once. And like I said, any movie like the death wish movies were a bad guy got shot. The audience would be jumping up cheering. And so there was that there's that energy that you don't get when you I would love to go in a time machine and see what watching porn in a movie theater was like in the seventies. Like when, when when uh back then when the guy would come on the girl's face the audience would go yeah

and and when he's when he'd come all over her tits they'd go They go, ahhh! Two scariest movies I ever saw, I saw, as far as ones that freaked me out, aside from the classics, I saw Midnight Showing after I did a couple spots out here. I was like, I gotta go see The Blair Witch, see what the big thing is I went and I saw that um I totally buy it scared the shit out of me and then afterwards I went to the parking garage because it was the midnight showing there was nobody in the garage and I was down there I just

kicked I that one freaked me out and then I was on the road with an unknown Pete Holmes playing this place Brewsters in Peoria, Illinois. And we went to a matinee of The Ring, the American version of it. We were the only two people, I know people say that all the time, but I swear to God, we're the only two people in this piece of shit theater. It was like half the size of a movie theater. And that movie completely freaked me out. And then that fucking asshole, I went back to my hotel room. And when I got there, he called me on the phone and just the phone ringing. I thought I was going to pick it up in seven days. I remember I saw the original Night of the Living Dead when it was playing at the Waverly Theater in the village

and it would have midnight showings. And it was like standing room only at that point. Now, living dead stuff is so boring. Those used to be- What year did that come out, that first one? Was that like 75? Something. I forget.

That could be it. Yeah, I know. There is something about the fact that you can do everything from your home now. I mean, it's great during a pandemic, but there is something about that whole sort of group experience or even just the fact that like all these years later, I actually am self-conscious about giving away the ending to another 48 hours, like 30 years later.

Like I know someone's going to hit me out. Spoiler alert, because nobody watches shit. Everybody watches it on their own schedule. So I think I'll probably miss that most. And that's another thing there's no such a thing as missing something nowadays you just watch it whenever you feel like it there's no like oh that was on tv and i missed it no and there's no i gotta got to run home. This is on TV. Yeah, back in the day, if you missed it, you missed it.

Yeah. If a movie came to the movie theaters and you missed it, you fucking missed it. Yeah, but you guys are looking at this as kids. You're forgetting that we are also people who make things. And when, do you remember how frustrating it was to have a special and Comedy Central's like, yeah, it's going on at midnight, and everyone just missed it?

And you're like, great, no one saw my fucking special. It's so much nicer now that people can just go, oh, Netflix, I'll just watch it whenever the fuck I want. Oh, but that's when, by then, there was already over 100 channels. I'm talking about when there was like three networks and you had two UHF, if there had to be like an absolute classic on there

or something that they could edit, but if a movie came around and you just wanted to see it, if you fucking missed that thing, it was a wrap. It was gone. Yeah. Yeah. And also, I remember, too, if you could go up to anybody walking down the street in the world and go,

hey, you know, that was a funny get smart last night. And they'd all know what you were talking about. Everybody watched the same stuff. Now there's a billion channels to watch. You were doing television and movies, Gilbert, when like things were getting 13 million people, 25 million people saw that. Like I remember doing Last Comic Standing 2, I think.

And I remember 13 million people saw it. And I walked through the airport and everyone knew who I was. Now it's like 13 million. That's insane. Years ago, they could see the back of your head in a crowd scene for like half a second. And back then you were a star after that. Oh, it's that's that guy. And now you could star, you could be the star of a hundred different series that show every night.

And people go, so you're still in the business? I actually like that aspect of show business better now. I like that you can actually be selling stupid tickets and nobody even knows who the fuck you are. And nobody bothers you. stupid tickets and nobody even knows who the fuck you are and nobody bothers you because I'm all about being able to do the shows making the dumb money and then spending it on stupid shit and everybody leaving me alone so it's perfect it's perfect yeah I wouldn't want to walk into an airport and everybody knew who the fuck I was. That would freak me out. Yeah. But you know, with me, it's like, I hate it both ways.

If I'm walking down the street and I'll see a group of people stand there, they're going to go, oh, they're all going to say, oh, you're great, you're great. Want my picture? Want my autograph? Oh, shit. And then i walked through the crowd and no one knows who the fuck i am and then i'm like oh my god nobody knows i know then you're freaking out my god it's over yes i gotta turn my life into a reality TV series now. Do you know what was a fun movie experience?

Did you guys ever go see Rocky Horror Picture Show? I've never seen that. Oh, the movie? No, like when you go. Oh, of course, Picture Show. Yeah, and they're all standing up front doing out the scene. I mean, I know it hey you know something i for a week they were doing this thing it was shortly after september 11th nobody was going to theater so they were trying to come up with gimmicks so the gimmick was a different guest each week as the guest narrator.

And I was the guest narrator for the Rocky Horror Show. Really? Yeah. And it just further proved to me that I never wanted to be on Broadway. that I never wanted to be on Broadway. And it's shitloads of work with less money and much less people see you. And I don't understand the point to Broadway. Yeah.

I've got a good thing on stage. Like, I would be on stage and I'd be going like this so I'm horrible yeah Rocky Horror Picture Show went and they told us they're like uh these they were like it's it's uh it's interactive they all acted out up front it's really fun you're like we don't want to spoil it for you but the night we went it was just a lot of like black kids just tormenting these theater nerds up front and just i mean these kids and these kids up front were unraveling they're all in costume and it's just all black kids going you're corny you're fucking corny just throwing popcorn at them and i thought that's what the experience was, was to go and torment these children.

So I was like, I told this girl, I go, we got to see Rocky Horror Picture Show. It's fucking awesome. You can just like haze these people and like just heckle them the whole time. And she's like, okay. When you went the second time, was that the same thing happened again? Or was it no? It was just me with a girl and we snuck in beers and I was like, you guys suck.

And they're like, hey, man, don't be such a fucking dick, okay? Oh. So, Gilbert, what's the worst bomb you ever had? Oh, what? Oh, on stage? Yeah, not in your personal life. On stage. No, one that you took to a cafe in Israel that didn't go off.

One time, I think it was at some radio, you know, convention, like an open party, like in someone, like in a giant area. And it was like, there were these hedges around, like tree hedges. And I was on stage, you know, so it's like one of those industrial jobs you have that are always thankless jobs when you do those. And I'm on stage and I am bombing severely. And I am the most unathletic person in the world. I mean, I can, if I have to walk from here to the couch i'm i'm like balancing myself i climbed over one of those hedges to get away i i didn't want to walk through them i oh that's odd i love making the escape I remember bombing on a fucking boat. I was

doing a prom gig. They used to put these poor high school kids with like chaperones on a boat and then they would just cut the music off when they were dancing and then they just have you walk out in the middle of the dance floor. And I bombed so bad I was like hiding down by the engine room for the rest of the little boat ride. When the boat ride ended, I had to make the decision. Am I going to wait 45 minutes for all of these kids to get off and not experience shame again? Or am I just going to take the shame right in the face and be one of the first people off? And I said, fuck this, I'm out of here. I just went right to the front of the line and I made

eye contact with this kid I remember he just looked at me just went shaking his head at me like who even told you you were even remotely funny oh that one still hurt hey Gilbert what movies did you pass on like Like, I'm always fascinated by, like, movies that came your way or that you auditioned for that you almost got but didn't get that then became, like, blockbusters. Let's see. Blockbuster.

I didn't, I mean, after a while, I got to that point where I wouldn't pass on anything. Because I'd had these agents in the beginning who'd say to me, oh, no, no, pass, pass. And then you realize it makes them feel important. Because they're not going to be making money either way. You know know it's like they getting their salary so oh you know if if Steven Spielberg called you up and wanted you for a movie as an agent you'd feel like hot shit going no I'm passing on that Spielberg movie but there were a few there's those horror stories of actors who passed on movies oh i love that i love when hearing that tom selleck was almost hands han solo and you're like wait what oh no he was indiana jones they want oh that's it indiana jones i'm

sorry yeah oh and someone who didn't pass on a movie was Kate Jackson from Charlie's Angels. She was the most serious dark haired girl on Charlie's Angels. They wanted her for Kramer versus Kramer. And she was begging the producers of Charlie's Angels to let her out, and they wouldn't. And then, so she has to turn down Kramer versus Kramer and watch Meryl Streep accept the Academy Award. Wow. I always feel like, though, the only way to look at something like that is like, well, it's not like you would go in and do it exactly the way she did it but to just to know that the material was there to win something like that yes I don't know

I gotta tell you Kate Jackson that was that was my my crush I liked her better than Farrah when Farrah Fawcett was ridiculous but I I was I was Kate Jackson all the way. Because she was on the rookies first. I've talked about this. She played the nurse. She was the wife to Mike Danko. I was like six years old.

I was like, I don't know who that is, but fuck Santa Claus, man. I wanna go sit on her lap. Dude, I just, go ahead, Gilbert, sorry. I think, was she at Charlie's Angels what was her name something Roberts it was Jacqueline Smith there was Farrah Fawcett Kate Jackson then Cheryl Ladd and then there was one more after that and then I think it went off the air there was somebody named something Roberts.

One of you has to have a computer or something. I do, hold on. And she was in that, she was in like something like the Jungle Princess movie. Hold on. Tanya Roberts? Tanya Roberts. Tanya Roberts yeah i thought she was really hot all right bert now it's your turn the i you're out of your out of your league tv movie star fantasy okay uh watched i'm this will combine everything i miss the days that you would sit down in your couch and watch some bullshit movie that you would never watch and because nowadays it's so quick

you just go ah fuck it i'm not gonna watch it i'm gonna click it i'm gonna change it there's gotta be something else so the other daughter isla to sit and watch a bullshit fucking movie there would have been one in college that you just sat and just watched and skipped a class and it was called tank with james garner have you seen it uh yeah yeah james garner is a retired five-star general they moved to like georgia where he's just going to retire and clean up this old world war ii tank that he has and his first day there his son played by c thomas howell gets drugs planted on him by the sheriff. And it turns out the sheriff's running a racket. So James Gardner decides to take his tank and clean up the town.

And he has a girl that ended up playing Chrissy's replacement on Three's Company. I Googled her. The second she came on screen, no bra, tank top in Georgia, big smiles, big tits, and I was smitten. I was like, who the fuck is this? Yeah. And I Googled her, and she still looks good to this day. But, man, that director who said to the makeup and stylist let's lose the

bra just go tank top she looks good like that and she's climbing in and out of a tank the whole time holy god that i i remember sitting in the saint mark's movie theater in new york and I watched Alien. And, of course, my favorite part of the movie is seeing Sigourney Weaver's ass crack coming out of her underwear when she's, like, running away from the alien and setting up, you know, the rocket equipment. It was like, when you go back and you look, like,

all the bitching that actresses are talking about now, when you go back and you look at some of those fucking movies, I'm not saying, you know, they didn't have a right to complain, but, like, back then, I mean, just, like, every one of them, to make it, it's like, it was almost like you had to show

your tits in some stupid movie. Remember all those fucking, one of them to make it. It's like, it was almost like you had to show your tits in some stupid ski movie. Remember all those fucking, what are those ski movies? All those hot dog movies? And all it was was a bunch of good looking people going skiing, doing tricks and fucking in a hot tub. There was like no plot. They made like three of those. I watched all of those.

Despite technology, those tits are all still better the tits and back to the school that ronnie dangerfield swings the door he goes hey there's nothing wrong with you those tits are the like old 70s 80s tits that were like camera ready that got those were the best tits that have ever been in the history of cinema yeah and they were all because they were real they found like perfect tits back then and then once fake tits that have ever been in the history of cinema. Yeah. And they were all, cause they were real. They found like perfect tits back then. And then once fake tits came around, anybody could have the so-called perfect tit. But the fake titty looked good if you had the bra on or the

shirt on. The second you took it off, it was just sort of sitting there defying gravity. I always noticed that in strip clubs, like they come out and they look amazing they take the top off and it looks like they have two bowling balls glued to their chest it's like you know what the worst was was when they would have like it looked like they had oblique muscles on the side of them you know when you would get like those little ripples no they got they got comically fucking huge in the 90s like 90s porno tits were like the tits was the skin was so stretched out

the titties were like bloodshot they had like veins and stuff and then they would have ogles on the side like they were starting to lose air or something. The whole thing was horrific. And then it became like, you were just trying to find someone with real boobs in porn. Now, I remember with the, you know, the teen sex comedies, you know, and there were, yeah, all of those, like Porky's and all those. I, there was one,

oh, this was Zapped with Scott Baio. Oh, and Willie Ames. And the star girl of it was Heather Thomas from The Fall Guy. Oh my God. And she was beautiful and had, you know, the greatest man made tits on anybody. So she's there and she, they used a body double with her and it's like they'd show her face. Uh, she'd start to open her blouse and it would cut to just a close-up yeah I'm looking at it right now close-up of a pair of tits like you're not supposed to know like why isn't there a head on this bodyather thomas was the man i i think if you had to say what bill

what year were the most attractive women naturally oh oh uh what? I would go decades. It took me a while to get into the 50s. There was something weird about the hairstyle, but I was watching the old ones. 50s, 60s, 70s was great. 70s. 70s was pretty awesome.

70s was pretty awesome. Yeah, you got to deal with 70s butch. 70s was the modern era. You had to go through hippie fashion to get to something a little more modern. Although hipsters kind of ruined the 70s. I got the game. I got the game. Pick the vehicle, pick the music and pick and pick the chick. Okay, so I'm gonna start. All right? All right. I've got, I've got, I've got a cigarette boat, 1982, blonde chick, feathered, like just pimped out, like crimped out hair, topless,

and we're listening to Phil Collins. Doom, doom, doo, doo, doom, doom, doom. I can feel it, and we're flying in the Gulf of Mexico. I think this is an episode of Miami Vice. I don't know. I know! I love just, if I could time travel, I would go see Billy Joel in Long Island.

I would see Leonard Skinner in Jacksonville. But I would love to have a cigarette boat. Yellow. Blonde chick. Big tits, real, one of those bathing suits that goes all the way up here, you know, those 1980s ones? Oh, my God. That used to look so hot to me, and now when I look at it, it's the most ridiculous thing.

It's like someone gave them a wedgie, and they were just fine with it. Yes, it would go up over their hips. Yeah, and then I remember you would look at, like, bikinis from the 70s that just went straight across, and then they looked stupid. And then all of a sudden, that's so weird, because I remember, like, with all the baggy clothes of the 90s, I remember thinking, there's no way, like, short shorts and tight jeans are going to come back. It took a long time. But like, you know, I just saw a fucking guy and he was essentially naked. Walking down the street, everything else was just like that. I was joking with my wife. I was going, that guy is

fucking naked. All right, if I have to do all of that, there's too many cars that I like. So I guess I'd have to go some sort of sports car. I'm definitely going 60s. 1960s. I'm in a weird age too, because I'm an old man. I want to say a 67 Cadillac Eldorado,

but I got to figure I'm in the prime of my life in 67. I'm going to look dumb in that car. I got to get back to you. You had it right. Yeah, I have nothing on this one. Mine's a cheat code. In like 97, we were taking a boat back, and I saw a dude living that life. Cigarette boat coming at, flying, like punching it right out, right as soon as he got out of the no-wake zone.

Cigarette boat, chick topless, just at the front of the boat like this. He's got like hair, the glasses with the croquis behind it, cold beer, and he just looked at us and i was like one day i'm gonna be that guy and were you a witch i watched that documentary burt told me about this documentary where those guys try to buy the submarine and all of that it's on netflix it's called operation uh yeah dude that is such an unbelievable documentary and it's it's amazing as far as like if you do any sort of acting everybody in it is such a character there's so much shit you can steal from what those guys are doing and they're all they can all tell stories i mean i you got you got it i don't

i'm not gonna say anything about it you just have operation odessa you gotta watch it gilbert you gotta watch that's the cool thing about it's kind of gone in our generation i feel like like the comics now is like i got stuck on it i've done this before when you watch older comics i say older comics or just though maybe it's because of the way television was done like letterman would let you tell a story but i watched peter o'toole tell a story about partying in dublin tonight this morning that was like one of the coolest stories about him and a friend getting hammered and then going to a bar that wanted to kick them out so they bought it and it was just like i wish there was more of that gilbert you you are an amazing storyteller yeah tell a story now okay tell us a good one gilbert yeah a midget's fucking a hooker

but you never had a problem sitting in the pocket with material like you never you've never been afraid of like of taking a material letting it go quiet let build like that's kind of been your strength a little bit yeah i i would i i remember early on i kind of at times i enjoyed bombing and making the audience hate me there was something kind of fun about that i've always been good at that I don't know I feel like there's a certain level of like confidence that you have to have with the club owner if you're gonna do

shit like that you know what I mean like I always love when I went on the road and you had the arrogant middle act that might be like this person is like they're acting like they got a show in syndication there's no sense of urgency here they're shitting on the crowd and i guess it's a defensive thing but like i fucking tap danced right through the first eight

years of closing rooms before i felt like i could even like if I'd even earned the right to burn down a room a little bit. Did bombing, like, did you get over bombing quickly? Or is it something that bothered you for a while and it took you a while to get seasoned? Oh, it's, I mean, to this day, it's one of those things like where you do the first show and everything's going great and in the like say the second show one or two bits don't work as well as they uh work in the first show you go oh well it's i'm i'm over with you know like the first one were you doing great you think ah i own the planet and then uh all it needs is that one show where you're struggling with the audience and you go

it's over god i've had those where you get off and you go i don't think i'm i don't know if i'll ever be able to do this right again i think think I broke it. I think I fucked it up. Yeah, yeah. I had more things like, I don't think I can do this anymore. It wasn't even like about the audience response or anything. It was just like Groundhog Day. I was just going every weekend. I was going out to a club,

four or five shows, hotel, airport, morning radio, just was on that loop. I remember one night sitting in a club just watching the waitresses after the third show smoking cigarettes, counting up the money. And it was just like, I don't know, it was just an extra dark and extra depressing comedy club. And I just remember thinking like, am I the guy that doesn't make it? Am I not? Am I? It's just not going to fucking what? I don't have a, am I the guy that doesn't make it? Am I not? Am I? It's just not going to fucking.

What? I don't have a wife. I don't have kids. I'm sleeping on a futon. I've been coming to this club for fucking seven years in a row. There's not, there's nobody less coming. There's nobody more. I have just flatlined.

Am I, am I that? Are people going to look at my headshot someday being like who the fuck was that? Many many years ago when I was like totally unknown I got booked in this uh shit club in Ottawa of all places and it was in the middle of winter and it was one of those winters that was horrible, even by Canadian standards. Because, you know, Canadians, you know, it's a million below zero, they're fine. So this was horrible. Mountains of snow, freezing. and in this job yeah no stage you had to walk out in the middle of the floor and no microphone you had to talk loud enough for people to hear you and you had to do three different 15 minute sets to the same audience and i I remember on the first night, there was no other act, no opener, no MC. So the woman who was one of the managers

was going to introduce me, but she got scared. She tried to and got scared doing something for an audience. So I would just have to walk out each time and then walk off. And then I felt like it must feel like those fighters that have to keep going back each round when they're getting their shit kicked out of them. Did you have like a feeling, like whenever I had gigs, I mean, I didn't have one as bad as that, but gigs like that, I always remembered no matter how bad the third set was going, there was this joy with each joke. Like, Oh,

I don't have to tell that one again. I don't have to eat my balls on that. Oh, it's almost over. 10 more minutes. 10 more more minutes is nothing they can only hurt me for another 10 minutes and then when it was fucking over it was just that i just love i love the feeling of the even the last just the last one even if it was going bad i just didn't give a fuck i was just like this is over oh it's all gonna be done soon i'm gonna be back in the hotel, calling Bobby Kelly, making jokes about how bad I ate my fucking balls. It's kind of like on, on the last show of, of gigs like that, I, I would practically hear the suspense music of making the escape,

you know? And when i was leaving the place i feel like oh god i i gotta get out of here because you know beyond any uh realism i think what if they all of a sudden at the last minute said, no, we've added another show. So yeah, that making the escape is amazing. One of the worst gigs I had, I worked, it wasn't even like a bad gig. It was just the way the club owner made you feel. Cause I showed up, right? I'm not going to say the club or where the hell it was, but I showed up.

It was a Tuesday through Sunday, two Friday, three Saturday, right? So I fucking show up the first night Tuesday. So it's a Tuesday night. Nobody knows who the fuck I am. So I'm thinking, I'm going to go up there, lean on the mic stand, you know, do some ones at work, try out some new shit.

Dude, I walk in, the place is fucking packed. People are shit-faced. There's an excitement in the air. I'm like, what the fuck is fucking packed people are shit-faced there's an excitement in the air i'm like what the fuck is going on did did i do a movie that i forgot i did what happened and it turned out this guy he had an entire room of telemarketers just papering the room so the excitement was was just groups of people that all knew each other. And they felt like they, you know, they just, you know, they had a free night of entertainment. They didn't give a fuck. And they were just getting fucking shit-faced.

Because they had free tickets, they were spending twice as much on booze and food, which was the whole business model. So I fucking go up there and it's just like, you know, everybody's, you know, I'll do like a, it reminds me of Jerry. Jerry did that. Like, because they all know each other yeah my balls and then the club owner the whole week he would drag you around town like you were his girlfriend yeah I'm going to the bank come on with me and he'd be like yeah this is my headliner and he kept you felt so filthy and then I remember he had this stupid fucking house Yes! And he kept, you felt so filthy. And then I remember he had this stupid fucking house

in Palm Desert he kept talking about. Yeah, my house in Palm Desert. I remember. Look at it, buddy. You got a sold out club and then he would shit

on anybody who was famous. Yeah, I don't need them. I don't need them. I can just, I'm like, yeah, just paper the room with a bunch of fucking drunks and then I have to deal with it.

And then there was the whole thing. Don't hit on anybody on the fucking wait staff. You know, like he was like the club owner. He had to be the center of attention. So you couldn't hit on any of the waitresses. You couldn't. And then there was one of those guys in the back counting the fucks that you said. It was a nightmare.

And that was the one that I remember doing three fucking shows in front of a sold out crowd that could give a fuck about being there. The middle show was the worst. The first one, you're just like, all right, this is this bullshit. But the second, the last one, you were like, all right, I'm fucking done after this. But the middle one, as you were tanking and then thinking like i have to fucking do this again oh then of course you want to everybody get out there and make sure

you shake everybody's hands and fucking baba baba and sell the club oh my favorite thing was not was turning that gig down a fucking couple years later when when those jobs where you do three shows a night and by the third show you have no idea what joke you just told who texas texas texas always had those i took mushrooms at the beginning of a second show not knowing there was a third show that night and was oh god i had i i went you want you want to know about it getting dragged around by a manager and owner? I went and played this club and the owner of the club says, why don't we go play golf? And my dad flew in. So my dad flew in to play golf with us. And he goes, we go to the clubhouse to pay for our greens fees to go out and play. And the owner's got tickets for the night.

And he's like, you guys should come out. This is the headliner. And everyone's like, yeah, I'm standing with my dad. And he's like, he's hilarious, man. And they're like, really? This is Texas, right? And he's like, yeah, yeah, yeah. He gives it to the N-words, but he says the real word.

Gives it to the N-words, to the gate, the sticks. And he just goes through. And he's like, all of them. He just sticks it to all of them. Like, really, like. And all these rednecks are like, oh, yeah, they've been getting it too easy, man. I'm gonna give me tickets, give me tickets. They walk out, a dad who is the most liberal human being in the world looks at

me and he goes, buddy, what in the fuck are you doing on stage? And I go, dad, I don't know what show you've seen. That's not what I'm doing on stage. I was like, and then that night, all those guys he gave his tickets are in the front row, and I'm just sitting there going like, God damn it, I don't have any, like, real racist jokes to play to these guys. I'm sitting on stage going like,

who drinks too much and blacks out in a phone booth, huh? I hate to disappoint you guys, but I don't have any racist jokes. But that's that thing, though, where that's why, like, when people get offended about something you say, that's why like when people get offended about something you say, it's just like, that like, the fact that that club owner saw your act and then that's how it, when it went into his brain,

that's how he processes what you're saying. And the difference about today is now his version of what you're doing, which is completely wrong, you now have to take responsibility for and answer to, which is fucking ridiculous. It's a blog. Yeah, it's like, I'm not fucking, that's not, you know, I don't know what you're hearing.

I remember that thing you were saying about having to go around with the club owner. A nightmare one I had. I forget where it was, but I get off the plane. The club owner meets me, and I figure, you know, he probably has loads of radio and morning TV and press. His press for my show was he leads me to his car. It's a convertible with my picture big photos of me

and my name and he's driving around town and he's yelling out to people come see Gilbert Gottfried he's over that was beyond a nightmare can I guess what club that was i wouldn't remember the name but go ahead and guess i've got a few accurate guesses go ahead that fucking gut gig that i did man it was like it was 1500 bucks all inclusive nine shows you mean I'm talking plane ticket travel to and from the airport your food the whole fucking thing and taxes I think I made like 70 bucks go out there I will never forget that guy dragging me around town yeah we're gonna go out and get some meat I'm thinking all this guy's

cool and then the whole time he's he's talking. I felt like his whore for the week. Yeah, this is my headliner. Yeah, I got the deposits here. Put another 40 on my house in Palm Desert. The whole time. I remember my dad getting the breakdown of the finances. I remember right, he was driving me to the airport. Georgia had just been born.

And I was getting paid $700 to feature for Dave Attell. And my dad's driving me to the airport and he goes, so we just had a baby. He's taking me to LAX. And he goes, so what are they paying you this week? And I said, $700. He goes, not bad. And I said, yeah. He said, they covering the flight? And I said, no, I got to pay for the flight. And he goes, oh, what about hotel? I said, no, I'm paying for that too. And he he goes how much money do you make off this and I had not incorporated the concept that I would be paying taxes and agents and managers on this and my dad's like buddy you're in the hole like 350 bucks I was like wait hold on I mean I remember being like I remember saying I remember getting all my bookings for a year one time and, and,

and all my books added up to a hundred thousand dollars before like gross, right? Is that the gross is the right one. All the numbers ended up to a hundred thousand dollars. And I was so proud and still I had incorporated managers, agents and taxes and that money cut in half so fucking quickly that it went from celebratory like leanne walked in opened a bottle of champagne i want to show you this piece of paper to literally going like we're fucked we're fucked yeah especially if you live in new york i don't care when you move there 50 grand net is gonna get you a shithole god dude i remember when i was living in new york

i fucking i was i had this studio i had a one bedroom apartment i was paying 1400 bucks a month for this in the early 2000s okay so like i was sitting there with like flop sweat and i'm making 1500 all-inclusive grossing that for a weekend you know and i i would have a weekend like once every three weeks so every other month i'd have two weekends and i'd be fine and then the other month i would have one so i ended up getting to know the chick upstairs for me and she had the exact same unit and turned out that hers was a fucking it was a studio and they just slammed a wall in it it was just all of that shit back then i'm so fucking glad that that part of my, you know, I don't give a fuck about getting

old and dying. I would, I would, I'd rather do that than go back to being young with a full head of hair fucking getting dragged around the town. It's not yet. Getting dragged around town. You know what? Always, this is a

thought I always get. You know,? Always, this is a thought I always get. You know, like, whenever I'm, like, depressed about my life and my career and everything, I always think, you know, I think, oh, I do movies, TV, I support myself. People know me. And then I think the billions of people that I would see every night at these clubs for years, and now I don't even remember their names or whatever became of them. There's so many of those that you'd see every night and they were there for years. I think about that shit late night when I can't

sleep. Then I start Googling. And if I remember a name, I'll like Google it to see where the hell they were. It's like, what am I doing? You go on Facebook, you try and find, you try and find people and shit. I don't know. That's all frightening stuff. Getting old is frightening. Gilbert, car, year, and music. I know nothing about cars.

I don't have a driver's license. All right, subway line. Vehicle. The IRT. Yes. All right. Off the top of my head, I would go 70 Camaro. That's the first car that popped in my head with that sharp front. I have pick in the year, right? It's 1970. Then what do I got to pick the movie or the, the music you're listening to and then describe the chick best you can. Oh, fuck. Brunette.

It's never a blonde guy. Brunette opposites attract dude. I'm also light skin. I'm not impressed with them. I would say she would look somehow, I always like darker. I would say like a Kate Jackson type of look. And then the music I was listening to. Fuck. I picked a bad year for music because all of that shit is just worn

out. It's all like dad rock now. Like zeppelin was cool back then but not now uh fuck i don't know the who live it leads or some shit i don't know when when you mentioned kate jackson again another thing i remember when charlie's angels were on the air they used to write about it in the papers and talk about it like, oh, this is like total porn. This is like, oh, it's just sex. And I would watch it and think,

when is the nudity or even revealing outfits? I mean, they kind of walked around in pantsuits, if I remember. Yes. They dressed like Hillary Clinton. Yes. And they used to talk about this, like, oh, they call it jiggle TV. Nothing jiggled. It was the most conservative looking outfit.

I'll tell you what that is. It's because ugly people cannot handle the fact that they're ugly. It's a very rare ugly person that can just accept the fact that they need to get a personality, shave their head, get on stage and start telling jokes. It's very rare. Most people, there's something I actually,

look at this shit. I actually took a screen picture of this, whatever the fuck the kids call it, because I had to send this to a buddy of mine. Please be here. Please be here. Where the fuck is it? Oh, there it is. All right.

Some chick who's Adele lost a bunch of weight and then- 100 pounds. Okay. So everybody got all commenting and, why do you think she looks better? Why should we care? Oh, shit. So somebody wrote, like most things, our response to Adele's weight loss says more about us than it does about her. If we're cheering her on, it suggests a kind of misery we already have about our weight and our relationship with our own body. Why can't you just be happy for her? This isn't about you. Continuing. with our own body why can't you just be happy for this isn't about you continuing if we're gloomy about it it's because she reminds us of our own struggle with the conventional beauty and the way we don't fit in adele can't win and neither can we i remember just reading that just going like you are going to be the most miserable person ever yes like if somebody loses a hundred pounds and you start writing fucking

some dr seuss mental shit like that if it's a good thing then i'm a bad person if i like it because i'm bad then i'm still fucking depressed it's like i just read that and i go that right there should tell every man you're never gonna make a woman happy just give up on no yeah i although i would i i would, I've said this before, but I would take the little heftier Adele that was fun and wanted to eat pizzas and kill beers and smoke cigarettes. Like, I don't need skinny, skinny, skinny, rigid diet workout. Who gives a fuck what you need?

Is this what you would take? Like, she's fucking sitting there on the other end going, gee, is this the way Burt likes me yet? You fucking jerk off. I want to redo the movie, song, and year. 1986, the Buick Grand National, that sick one that's even beyond the Grand National. The one with the even sicker engine. 1986, listening to Judas Priest, Turbo priest turbo lover on my way to the show

my first concert and i have that car and i'm with what some chick named deborah nylon running pants shorts that they all used to wear and a hat she's got on a half shirt a cup titties with a fat ass, and she's got those fucking lime green fucking sunglasses on. It pops off, baby. They are off. Sorry, man. Took me a minute.

That's good. That's good, Gilbert. We're still waiting for yours. No, I don't have anything on this one. It doesn't need to be a mode of transportation. It could be a helicopter. The bus. The bus. All right, I'm gonna do his for him. 1979 Chrysler New Yorker.

Splosh leather interior. It's got the cush ride. He has his mother in the passenger seat complimenting him the whole way as they listen to Streisand I bought it. I never, I don't know what it's like to buy a car or anything. That's insane. That's crazy. Like, have you ever driven a car? Uh, I, Oh, well, you know, just recently I was on, uh, Jay's garage, and they had me, I think, in a Ferrari, and I was speeding it around the racetrack. I mean, speeding for me was like, you know, 10 miles an hour or something.

I like how you talk about the one and only time you've actually driven a car. It's like asking somebody if they ever went skydiving. Yes. Nine years ago, I went out with me and my buddies. Hey, we're getting towards the end here. We only got a couple of minutes left. So let's promote what we need to promote. Cameo.com slash Gilbert Godfrey.

C-A-M-E-O. Gilbert Godfrey has an amazing podcast called The Amazing Colossal Podcast. Just celebrated the 300th episode with co-host Frank Santopadre. Santopadre, I love that name. And my website, gilbertgodfrey.com. And once again, cameo.com slash Gilbert Gilbert Gottfried. And I have a great episode of an amazing Gilbert Gottfried's amazing podcast to listen to. Me Bartnick and Joe Verzi were doing

a gig up. Me Bartnick and Paul Verzi. He's quite some dyslexic today. We're doing this gig up in Canada and you had Jackie the joke man. And he was just telling one, they were both just going back. I can never remember street jokes. And you guys put on a clinic of telling street jokes. They were just top notch. The stories behind where you heard them. It's such a great podcast.

And as Andrew said, you're always bringing up Milton Berle's dick. Somehow you brought that in. And one time just recently we did one talking about old monster movies and that I could

talk about forever. They had Kirk Hammett on. Oh yeah. But now we had two other guys who are experts on the universal what do they have to buy to get that? But now we had two other guys who are experts on the universal heart. What do they have to buy to get that?

Oh, patreon.com. Hey, Gilbert, I have a horror movie. I forgot the name of it, but you'll probably know it. It's from the late 50s. It's about this guy. I think it's called The Amazing Colossal Man or something like that. Yes, that's where the title of my podcast comes from. I'm an idiot.

That's why I was thinking of it. The sequel of that movie. I know. Fuck you, Bert. I'm done. The sequel of that movie. In the Hoover Dam. Oh, my God.

The first one, he's like this person, and he gets giant and all that, and he's really tortured and all that. And then they just shoot him and he goes down the Hoover Dam and you think he's dead. And then in the second one, Bert, listen to this shit. One of the worst sequels I've ever seen. He comes up and his face is all mangled and he has no dialogue the whole movie. He just walks around going, ah, ah, ah just walks around going, the whole fucking movie. And if you thought the special effects

in the first Colossal Man were bad, by the second one, they got worse because you could see through his body. Like it was superimposed. You could see through his body. Like it was superimposed. You could see through it. My favorite one, though, in the first one, is when he throws the giant, like, hypodermic needle. Oh, great.

And it goes through that guy, and the guy's clearly holding it between hair, and he's just laying there like that, like he's fucking impaled. That was amazing. It was like something you'd have in a pool that you'd float on. I didn't even think it was made out of plastic.

Gilbert, you were in a movie that was supposed to the script was originally a horror movie and you did two of them. Do you remember which movie started as a horror movie when it was shopped around? Was Highway to Hell? Problem Child. Oh yeah, Problem Child. Oh, yeah. Problem Child.

Jack Ward and John Ritter. So if you want to talk about Jack Ward, nobody here is going to be upset. It was based... Problem Child is actually based on a true story. But the true story is darker

than the movie. It's like they had this child they adopted who was just plain evil, and they were running like cross country trying to get away from this kid. So they originally wanted to make a really dark movie of Problem Child, like really scary. That's why writing is the hardest job, I think,

in Hollywood. Because somebody wrote that whole script, did it again, did it again, did it again, finally shot the whole fucking thing out there. He gets it, we're going to sell it. It's like, yeah, you know this horror movie? We now want it to be a comedy. Yeah.

Now you have to go back. It's like you built, built like a garrison colonial and oh yeah i'm gonna buy this house but now make it a uh make it a mediterranean or a spanish style house you start pulling shit out the whole fucking thing collapses sorry i've just been a problem child that was you talk of surprise hit that was a shock hit it was like because i remember my last day of shooting on that i was saying i went to john riddice trailer and i said oh well i'm i'm all my scenes are shot nice working with you and he was like going, you know, with this sad, devastated look on his face. He's going, well, you know,

they offer you something, you do it, and you hope for the best. And everyone thought, and a guy at Universal said, we're going to treat this movie like a wounded soldier on the battlefield. We're going to all run and save our own ass. And then the movie came out and to everyone's shock, it was like a monster hit.

Did you ever get to talk to John about that? He must have been psyched. Yeah. I don't think he could believe it. Well, they did a sequel. Do you remember what the tagline to the sequel was? Because he was, the kid was a problem child in the first one, but in the second one, they added a young girl.

Do you remember what? Well, it was problem child 2TOO, I think. No, I think it was a number two. I'll have to check. You could be right. But the tagline was, he's bad, she's worse. Oh, okay. What do you think that child actor is doing right?

Oh, on my podcast, I looked him up. Michael Oliver. And to my shock he he's not like some drug addict uh you know having an overdose in an abandoned building he you know he left show business or he wasn't getting any work he left show business and he repairs computers he found out the most amazing day ever when you just say fuck this and you leave show business when you just don't give a you don't give a fuck i don't give a fuck and you just leave and and when i was talking what was so great about listening to him is he said, now I work a lot harder, make a lot less money, but I'm fine with it.

Yeah. Yeah. I definitely can see. There's no left turn in that story for me. Yeah. And I thought this is great. This guy supports himself. He has a girlfriend. He makes money.

He's got an interesting studio party. Yeah. All right. Well, we're up against it here. Gilbert, you're such a legend, man. It's so goddamn funny. Thank you for all the stories. I loved all this stuff about the movies and thank you for sharing all the anecdotes about stand-up and all that and you gotta see

the documentary on Gilbert what's it called it's called Gilbert and it's Gilbert I can't pronounce my own name I was having a stroke and you Gilbert and stroke. Gilbert. And I think it's on Hulu. What's the tagline? The night he returned. Oh, and of course, cameo.com slash Gilbert Gottfried and Gilbert Gottfried's Amazing Colossal Podcast.

And you're also on TikTok now, huh? Yeah, my daughter orders me around since I've been in quarantine. And she starts telling me, okay, you stand here. No, no, not over there. Right in the middle and do this dance step. And, you know, I'm stuck in the house with her and she orders me around. All right, I'm officially getting on TikTok now.

I've got to do it. Gilbert, thank you so much for coming on. Thank you, Gilbert. You're a legend, man. Thank you. Thank you everybody for watching. This has been the Gil. Bert. Pod. Cass. All right, thank you thank you everybody for watching this has been the gill bert pod all right thank you gilbert thank you everybody we'll see you next time thank you thank you Thank you.