The Bill Bert Podcast - The Bill Bert Podcast | Episode 16

Episode Date: May 27, 2020

Bill and Bert prattle about being the bread winner, navigating arguments at home, and getting better at things.

hey what's up everybody welcome to another edition of the bill burt pod cast what's going on are you watching the tiger woods phil mickelson uh tom brady yes god damn i love that kind of shit it was it's pissing rain in jupiter florida and am like, I don't give a shit, guys. Get out and play. I need this. Yeah. Dude, I was just talking to a buddy of mine. He's betting on Korean baseball. He's watching it at 3 in the morning.

He goes, there's no crowd, and I'm screaming at the TV that the guy missed the cutoff, man. He goes, I have completely lost my mind. He's bet on that, and he has money on this oh which is hilarious to me that you can bet on that you can gamble on a benefit oh i'm recording it right now i started watching it and i was like and they came out and played they teed off and uh fucking tom brady here's what i couldn't get past, Bill. So, Tom Brady, be safe. Socially distant.

My daughter's going on a bike ride with a friend. God damn it. I'm done with this shit, Bill. I am done. I'm ready for this to be over. Dude, you are dressed like you occasionally will bring a key of Coke up the East Coast when you're taking breaks from giving people fishing tours. That's what I'm going for.

I love it, dude. You're pulling it off. I'm looking at you like, I want to fucking hang with that guy on my vacation. Where you from, buddy? I'm dressed like I kind of know how to fly a plane. Yeah, yeah. You might not be current.

You'll get us there. I'm watching them play golf, and I'm thinking, it's amazing how quickly up to speed these two athletes, Peyton Manning and Tom Brady, have great swings. They're great golfers. But if you took Phil Mickelson and gave him a football, he couldn't throw it out of a sand trap I bet yeah golf is a uh I've trashed golf for years but I have to admit one time I did a benefit and there was a bunch of pro hockey players there like hall of fame level

guys and they all said that's the hardest sport there is they go it's such like a mind game and how uh they were like saying with our sport like it's just muscle memory and you're going out there you're not even i mean you're thinking but you're not you know what i mean you're more reacting with that thing it's like you screw up you have that whole time to be thinking about screwing up as the other people are hitting, walking up to your ball, just trying to hold back that thing of like wanting to get the next shot to be a good shot, to put it behind you. All of that causes you to rush, to want to look to see where you hit it and all of that. So, I mean, the NHL playoffs, I think, are the big four.

That's the hardest one to win. And if those guys are sitting there saying that that's the toughest game, who am I? Who am I, Bert, as a feature act to be sitting here saying it's not a sport? It's a very difficult activity. What sport do you think? If there's a sport you think that they said to you, like, we're gonna we're

gonna load you up with a doctor he's gonna clean your system out get you your steroid levels back to testosterone levels back we're gonna you're gonna feel the best you've ever felt but we you need to pick a sport right now that we think you can get to professional level within the next year. Okay. Volleyball. That's the, that would be the hardest one. That's the first one I thought of. Well, I mean, people could spike it on me, but I could dig some out. And I think I could have a decent serve. Beach volleyball, I have nightmares about beach volleyball.

All right. But let me ask you, do you want to go school up to the plate at a major league uh fucking baseball stadium when the last guy went yard and admired his fucking home run i don't want to do that no i don't want to play hockey and fucking matt cooks out there and needs to make a statement i don't want to do that okay you're right i definitely can't even a dream to get into basketball. Football, my anxiety alone. Pro football, I would get CTE just worrying about what was going to happen to me out there. Yeah, okay. Basketball, I can't run.

I can't jump. I mean, there's no way I could fucking play that sport. So now you got to go to the other one. I guess maybe pro bowling. I mean, if you're going to count bowling as a sport. Yeah. Chris Hardwick's dad was a professional bowler it is a it is a i would say the thing i mean everything's physical i mean hammering a fucking nail is physical takes hand-eye coordination so i don't know how you draw the line but like

there's definitely uh put it this way there's definitely a sleazy gambler underbody to golf bowling shooting pool years yeah yeah I mean I know they're all filthy college with boosters and all of that type of stuff but it seems like, if there's a hierarchy, there's definitely the big four. With hockey, I feel like being a distant three. I always feel bad that I didn't grow up in a place where we had ice skating because I was obsessed with roller skating, like obsessed. And I think if I had had hockey, if hockey had been an opportunity,

especially when I was young and testosterone was flowing through me, I i would have loved hockey i would have loved playing hockey what uh what kind of roller skating we talk are we talking uh you went roll bounce no speed skating i was i was a speed skater really yeah oh bill i was obsessed i was obsessed wait a minute you wore like the onesie like like what do you call that the velvet what do they call the spandex the one hand behind your back and you were you were going around the corner crossing over where the hell were you doing that no no no it wasn't a full spandex. It was spandex pants. And then, like, I usually wore a tank top, like an OP tank top. And I had speed skates.

And I'd go to the skating center and speed skate. I was obsessed with it. They'd do the races. Like, they'd do races. And, man, I remember going to some places and just cleaning the fuck up. Because where we would speed skate was at Carolwood Skatingolwood skating center it was like a really nice place i want to call bullshit but there's so much detail in this this has to be true where and by the way i was i mean i would go out in my yard i had two sets of skates i had ride l boots with like i said by the way i have speed

skates in my garage i have speed skates in my garage that i bought because we went roller skating and i was like hey you guys got any speed skates and they were like yeah what size you and i told them and she was like they're like 200 bucks i was like honey we're okay i'm definitely not gonna rent a pair of skates i'm buying speed skates so i bought them and i was hauling ass around the skating rink and my daughters were like when did you learn how to roller skate oh yeah oh that was like this hidden talent i think that's a cool thing to do is it dad talk shit about 90 of what you did and then leave 10 for them to discover and then all of a sudden you know you're out there skeet shooting and not missing anything just something to uh just to keep them honest the uh

a fly fishing rod i can fly fish and uh my daughters there was The fly fishing rod. I can fly fish. And my daughters, there was a fly fishing rod out at our lake house. And I said, oh, we should do this. And they're like, it's really hard. Trust me, Dad. Papa J said it would, that's my wife's, my wife's dad is a man, like a man, right? And so they're like, Papa J had a hard time doing it, Dad. You won't be able to do it.

And I just, it's, I think it's a travel channel skill set of like I can do a bunch of things okay because you learned with experts. And then I picked up the fly fishing rod and started doing it. And my daughters are like, wait, hold on. You're cheating. You're cheating. There's no way you know how to do this. And I was like, no, guys. There's a lot you don't know about me.

That's just amazing to me. Like why? you don't know about me that's just amazing to me like why i don't know it's this is going to get in my issues with women but like they love you while they just have a bunch of those today okay well they love you to death while they just totally root against you there's a certain place where they go when they really love you. The support ends. And then I feel like anything new you try, they just shit all over it. I don't know if it's a subconscious like, oh, he's changing. He's becoming something new. Well, the new him like me, I have to keep him in this area where he needs to be.

Dude, it's like straight across the fucking board. Like the women in my life. i'm trying something what do you do that for you can't do that oh you're gonna you're gonna start that and you're gonna fucking blah blah blah like all right yeah i'm having i'm having legit women issues uh in my house because they just team up against me. Like they all just get on the same team and start whittling me apart. Oh, I got into a big one last night. I got into a big one last night. What about? We were fucking watching this documentary.

It was really fascinating it was about um the national inquire and how this guy came about you know buying it and the whole history of it at first they were totally into gore if there was like a car accident people died they would get like the dead body photos oh really yeah and they would where did you watch this um it was on cnn of all things which them and national choir somehow they they weaved like that right and fox news and all that not trying to be political here they're all little nuts at this point so it came to be this one point when they started to get political and i'm not naming names because i don't know who the fuck was involved. But there was a particular person who was running for office. And he had fucked around on his wife with this chick.

And they were worried that while he was running for office, that this shit was going to come out. So the National Enquirer approached this woman, said, hey, we'll buy your story. and we'll make a book, and yada, yada, and all this, and they gave her the deal, and then they owned all the rights to the story, and then they just killed it, okay, so then this, they started painting the woman out that was fucking the married guy. Like she was this victim going like, and you know, they had like one of these feminist ladies comes on, you know, the black frame glasses and the I'm smart haircut going, you know,

they silenced these women and blah, blah, blah, blah. And I just started laughing going like, what the fuck are you? They're all filthy in this story. And she got so mad at me that I the fuck are you, they're all filthy in this story. And she got so mad at me that I wasn't addressing the guy who went on to win the election. And I'm like, I don't need to. That was already addressed.

What I'm addressing is what's in the cracks, which is my fucking job as a comic. Everybody can watch this and be fucking spoon fed What the fuck they just told me to think, which was not a good point to bring up. It's like, I'm supposed to sit here and feel bad for her. And it's just like, they had to get to her before she sold the story.

And then my wife goes, she wasn't trying to sell the story. I go, she sold it to the inquirer. They knew what the fuck. I go, she was with this guy. She was taking his money. And as long as he was banging her, she was going to keep her mouth shut.

And then when she left, she was going to sell the fucking story. They knew it. They did a preemptive strike. And they did it. It's all dirtbag shit. Yeah. But we got into this big fucking thing where she just wanted me to be saying what the feminist lady was saying in that, which was half of the story. What this guy did was fucking wrong.

What this guy did was terrible. And you should be looking at this guy going, should this guy be holding public office? Obviously. Yeah. What? To make that point, don't turn her into some fucking florence nightingale like she was silenced like some sort of like uh crime was committed it's like you guys were all in the dirt we've all been done bad shit i'm not judging either one of them but it's just like

don't fucking put angel wings on her like she had this story to tell she almost made it seem like it was like a me too story it's like no this was consensual sex with the married guy i mean i i don't know i don't know so we got in this big fucking thing and uh the takeaway was i lacked the intellect to have a debate without getting emotional. And some other really, and I had a very simplistic way of looking at things. And I was like, all right, well, I guess this conversation is over. So I don't know. so this morning i apologized and then we kind of got back into it again and now we're cool oh well because she then you know you know how they do then they

i didn't say you were uh lack the intellect i said the intellect needed, they fucking, you know, they start smoothing it over. Because I was like, hey, you know, all right. I got emotional, but I didn't do any name calling. But Bert, Bert, we both know that doesn't mean anything. We both know it doesn't mean anything. It doesn't mean anything. It doesn't mean anything. Okay. And as much as they're all out there okay they use the harvey weinsteins like that's the prototypical guy like i'd be guys like that which is not the fucking case most guys are like you know in a relationship and you are held hostage by their emotion. You exist in keep that happy. So I get happy wife, happy life. Yeah.

And there's all of this talk about power and this and that and the fucking other thing. And I literally, I am a puppet on a fucking string. Much as I want to be, let me tell you something, I do whatever the fuck I want. I don't. So there you go. There's that. Mine started first thing in the morning. First thing.

You must have been sleeping wrong. I'm sure you did something wrong. I was. No, she just walked up and said, woke me up and said, Georgia wants to go over to a friend's house. And I was like, no. She was like, okay. And I went, hold on. Why are you asking me?

She said, well, I just wanted, I told her we had to ask you. I was like, well, no, the answer is no. Gavin Newsom said no. And so I'm saying no. Like, that's the law right now. So, yeah, well, no, the answer is no. Gavin Newsom said no. And so I'm saying no. Like, that's the law right now. So yeah, it's no. She goes, okay. And I went, hold on one second. Why are you asking me this? And then I'm like waking up and I'm like, this isn't a conversation. Like, she stays in the house. That's what we do. That's hang on. What the fuck do you and then I got and then I'm like, I just woke up and now I'm fighting. And she was like, I'm just saying, you know, like, people are going to other people's houses,

they say it's in groups of 10 or less, I said, that's not how, that's not what it means, look, it's still stay-at-home orders, if she wants to go for a bike ride, that's fine, she wants to ride bikes with someone, that's great, but she's not going into someone's fucking house, she goes, well, they're, they haven't had anyone in their house, and I go, okay, I said, and so if I have sex on the road with someone i don't have to work on him because she said she's pretty clean and she was like wait what and i was like all right dude you went pretty hard with that example i know i know i get i get fucking pissed off because it kind of seems to me like she was making you be the bad guy yeah Yeah. And then it turns into dad is OCD.

Dad's got weird rules. You know dad. Like if it was me, I'd let you go. But dad won't let you go. And I was like, that fucking drove me nuts. Let me tell you something, dude. Women are awesome. But like in those moments, dude, you question yeah like what you signed up for

i hate when old parts of your personality show up at a dinner table with your family like old parts like i have a real issue with women crying like i it it it comes out it comes out like like i was beaten by a crying woman like it when a woman cries and and there's confrontation and a woman goes to crying to solve it i shut down and i start becoming verbally abusive like i am not cool with it and i start saying things like oh that's right we don't need to use words anymore because you can cry on demand. And you know what, dude, I've done that. You can't win. It's just like, I did one time.

I was just like, you're crying over this? Like, how old are you? I mean, it was just some bullshit thing. And all of a sudden she's fucking crying. Because look, I'm not not we're not women so we don't know how they think but i am highly suspicious of the crime fuck yeah so i i mean i i'll give them 47 of those cries are because i hurt your feelings. And the other 53 is, I'm making some good points you can't refute.

And you don't feel like apologizing. And you know, the second you cry, there's nothing worse than making a woman cry. The second they cry, you literally feel like you're a bully. You just knocked an ice cream cone out of a kid's hand. And you're just like, all right, all right, all right. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Even though I feel like I was right and I didn't do

anything wrong. I'm sorry. Just stop doing that. I used to do a bit in my act. I used to do this bit. I said, the longer I'm married, the less respect I have for Meryl Streep. They can all cry on cue. They can all cry. They can be thinking, you know, we need seven potatoes for this dish and they only have six. If they need to go there emotionally, they can do it. I have to get rid of a dog. I have to have a friend die.

I gotta see something happen to a kid on a crime show, like to get me to cry. That's when it's- I can't just cry. I don't know how to. Yeah, I didn't for the longest time. And then a couple of really big emotional, just happened some deaths of friends

that there was nothing else to do. So, and then once that happened, it kind of reawoke something that I had uh paid you ever see like an abandoned town and after a while when they leave it the weeds grow up through the asphalt that's kind of what happened so I don't know I actually think I am a big emotional person just underneath the uh the surface of my shit jokes to be honest with you I I've I've cried definitely can cry, but I can't cry the way my wife and or daughters. And if my daughter, my daughter did at one time, started crying because she was losing the argument.

I did not handle that well at all, at all. I would like to say that I draw the line with my kid, but my kid isn't old enough to do that yet. I hope I don't do that. Oh, Bill, Bill, trust me. This was a got caught lying, got caught doing something, came home, was defiant. And when I told her all the shit I knew about, she started crying and i went no

no we don't we're using words today and i think i probably said something like uh i don't know i'm sure i said some correlation to ban running fortune 500 companies don't cry when they get caught you know what dude you were right up until that last comment and i'm telling you You know what, dude? You were right up until that last comment. And I'm telling you, that's the game they play. They know you're right and all that but that's no reason to bring up some white toxic male of at a fortune 500 company they'll fucking go down that thing and next thing you know you're apologizing oh it's it's really genius I will tell you this though I am jealous of their ability to cry because uh it is such a wonderful emotion to get rid of shit. I mean, that's so much of my anger. It's just all shit I should have cried about and didn't is just sitting on my chest.

And I learned that, unfortunately, when a friend of mine got killed last year, and I just said, fuck it, and I let it out. And and i have like i still have the sadness but i don't have the weight because i really cried it out really yeah so they do that uh maybe to a fault but i feel like i'm just i'm obviously i'm i'm paying with the broad brush here hey i'm just saying share. I'm just saying in general that they don't, they don't carry that around in their chest. I think the way, so many guys, although I'm sure that they have other stuff. And at this point, there's a bunch of women listening and going, can you, you know what it's like to fucking carry a baby? They always have their fucking, you know, whatever. So, and I gotta be honest with you.

After fucking last night and this morning, I, whatever. They just win. It's just, yes, yes, you're right. You're right. Fuck it. I don't care. I don't care. Yeah, I was, it was pointed out to me yesterday

how selfish I have been, not being a dick. She was just pointing out how selfish I've been my whole life with her. We've been together 18 years as of yesterday. That was our first date was yesterday. And she was not being a dick, but she said all the times that I just said, I'm going for a jog.

I'm going to go skateboard. I'm going to go, I'm going to go, I'm going to, I'm going, I'm going to do this. I'm going to do that. And I couldn't deny it. They were all very accurate. I do do that all the time. But I was

like, I didn't have a, I didn't have a comeback for it. Like, but yeah, but you did. She was like, and I just, you know, took care of the girls, fed the dog and like all the stuff. And I was like, fuck, I wasn't prepared for this argument. Yeah, but Bert, you also provide an incredible life. Oh, I'm going to stop you right there, Bill. You're not allowed to say that in my house. Whoa. You know what? You're not allowed to say that in my house either.

Let me ask you something. If the role was reversed, would you ever hear the end of it? Would you ever hear the end of it? The answer is no. Oh, shit. the end of it would you ever hear the end of it the answer is no oh shit don't you ever acknowledge that your hard work makes money for people to live in this fucking house nope oh well you know what you're doing there burt is you're throwing it in her face oh that's right dude it is it is man i haven't done one of these podcasts in a while i love my wife to death okay i do too i'm just i'm just saying though there are uh there's

two sets of rules oh there's a feisty one burt. God. You know, I was thinking today, I was trying to think of the advice that you would give a young guy about what to look for in a wife. Cause I do love my wife and I love that we've been together 70 days in this house today. She kind of snapped and was like, I was in the kitchen and she wasn't being a bitch, but she was like, I was going to a social distancing party at a friend's house and she's going and i was like and i was i don't know and i i just was like i don't feel comfortable with at all with even i feel like everyone should just be in the house and she goes it's been 70 days we've been in this house 70 days we haven't gone anywhere. Like, let the

kids have a break. They're going to be fine. It's going to be safe. It's a social distancing party. I would have said, how long was World War II and how long did those people in London stay in their basements? Yeah. I wish I had you in an IFB in these arguments where I could just- Listen, yeah, but you're romancing the fact that I actually have a 100% relationship I'll tell you that little fucking line about the blitzkrieg would wouldn't get you are you you're such an asshole that's all you would get yeah um where I would go with that and I'd be like good I hope she goes there and she gets COVID and then we all get it and then we walk around and can't smell or taste anything on fucking ventilators you can be like yeah are

you happy now honey are you happy now and then she'll be like i can't believe you bring that up when everyone's so sick that's how that would go down oh what you're really getting down to here is on what we're both getting down to is why we die sooner we don't cry and our big bat in the argument is taken off the rack you know who did that patrice o'neill what's that patrice o'neill somehow mind fucked all of us into thinking that making fun of him being fat was just too obvious and too easy and it was hacky so the easiest fucking thing and his biggest achilles heel was taken off the fucking table and then he could walk up to bob yeah you fat motherfucker slobbered belly blah blah blah blah and say all the fucking shit yeah and you're just sitting there in your head going like bobby's chunky dude you're fucking what the fuck are you it's just he

just he did that yeah so i don't know yeah the the it was it was a it was a rough one the the whole getting like just getting past breakfast this morning because then and then she and isla went to the social distancing party uh georgia did not go over to the friend's house but it's going on a bike ride and i said uh i'm gonna i'm gonna i guess i'll just stay home and work on sunday and she was like well yeah and i so badly wanted to go because this pays for all that like just just so badly but i didn't i didn't say a word god are you right if it was on the other fucking foot if she was making all the money and i was just it would be brought up every time the check came. I'll pay for it. I make all the money.

Yeah, Bert, you just put your feet up. I would love to be home with the children. Do you know what it's like to be in a Super 8 missing your children? You'd never hear the end of it. Let's get off this subject because it's just going to make our lives more miserable. Let's flip it and go. So I was curious, what was the thing, like when you started dating Nia, what was the thing where you thought, because you,

and I was thinking about this with Leigh-Anne because I love Leigh-Anne. And I'm certain that there's beautiful women out there that I see and I go, yeah, but they're not worth it. Cheating on Leigh-Anne isn't worth it for me because I don't want to lose her. So what was the thing that you saw in Nia where you're like I could do this for the rest of my life you know what it was up until her every woman that I was with when I fantasized breaking up with him I broke up with him with her when I would fantasize getting out of the relationship i would still go back to her as she was walking out no no no come back here dude i'm such an idiot it took me

so long to i was one of those guys that had no idea what love was and i heard a bunch of people and i did a bunch of awful fucking things and shit and it's just like um yeah i think that that's what it was she also had this like amazing she has an amazing energy um like she is a force of nature she's an incredible mom and person and and all of that type of stuff so uh i just think and she was also funny as hell like she's stand-up comic funny she's funnier than like a lot of comics i know and uh she gave shit back if i brought my guy friends over she could hang no problem she'd give them shit i saw them being like oh wow she's fucking cool so i could relax um i didn't have to

worry about afterwards i didn't have to explain my friends and um and then i liked when we went to parties we could she would just break off and i'd break off we'd both do our own thing and then come back together she wasn't like we weren't like attached at the hip like we are a couple we do everything together you know and if i want to go do something it's usually a yes there's been a couple of no's but i mean were you broke when you met her um when i met her i had just started doing the rich bitch tour i just started so i was already doing it but she didn't really have any idea what money I was making. I was making more money than I would have if I went out by myself. But I did that tour from October of 03, I want to say, until March, end of February, beginning of March 04.

March, end of February, beginning of March, 04. And then, no, no, 05. So it was the end of 04. Yeah, so I was because I, when I was with her, I wasn't on the Rich Bitch Tour yet. So I was pretty broke. I wasn't broke. I was working, but I was like, I was working every weekend, going out every night. And then, yeah, then I did the Richmond store. So yeah, I mean, I will. Yeah, I was basically the 15 to $1,700 a week headliner, where it was. And I know that sounds like a lot to people, but that's gross. And that's Tuesday through Sunday, two shows Friday, three shows Saturday, you got to pay for your flight. You got to play to and from the fucking the airport. I always break this down before people fucking sit there. I've been caught. I've been caught saying $1,500 a week. And they're like,

hey man, that's good fucking money. And you're like, no, it's agents, managers, flights. Taxes. And that basically comes to, you flew to Omaha, Nebraska for Tuesday through Sunday to make about 600 bucks. That's exactly what it is. And so, yeah. So, so was she, what was the first time that was there? Have you ever had a moment where you got a paycheck where you kind of looked at her like, can you believe that oh yeah yeah but you know the deal dude they they could be like they they gotta play it they can't act overly impressed their whole fucking thing oh oh oh let me tell you a story real quick bill oh we're getting into it this week we're getting into it i did a into it. I did a gig in Aspen.

It was for a corporate. I'd never really done the corporate. And they gave me a check. It was $25,000 to do the gig. I was fucking through the roof. I was like, this is it. This is the money I've heard about. Like, I was so blown away.

And I came home, and I dropped it on the table in front of her and I was like what do you think of that and she goes well you gotta remember we only keep half of it and I went hold on like that's not I just came home with the fish you don't go well we do have to cut it and clean it and that'll only feed us for three days. Yeah, I was so defeated and angry about that that I was like, hold on. How big's it got to be? No, do you know what? You can't go emotion.

The move there, if you give a fuck, if you want to waste your adult life trying to fix something that's unfixable, the move there is to nod, pick up the check, or leave it with her. Even better, play the martyr. And just say, you know what, I'm going to go for a walk. And you go for a walk, and you let them think about it. Now, the best that'll get you is a clarified apology when you come back.

But you cannot on any level expect the next time you show up, you could have one for $30,000 that she's going to be like, wow, that's amazing. And this is what I learned is it's not because they don't love you. It's because they do love you. And if you start walking around with this big dick fucking I'm making 25 grand energy, you're going to start attracting whores. So what she has to do out of love for you and her family is she has to keep your ego where you where she needs you to be

and where she can handle you being so she can be comfortable and you're going to be comfortable and there won't be any fights dude it's a whole making money dude when you weren't making money becomes the whole game within the fucking game. And for all you young bucks out there who think that you're going to make a certain amount of money and then your life is going to get easy with the woman you're with, that is the biggest fucking pipe dream you're ever going to chase. Because they're going to take it off the table. Don't throw it in my face. And whatever just happened is who the fuck you are and what you have to answer to. You could literally save a busload of kids from a burning bus.

You got the mesh gloves because you burned your hands pulling the last two out. And you're a fucking hero. All right? God help you if you leave the seat up that night oh i used to have a joke about uh i would love to date a young woman not to not to have sex with her or not for the relationship just to impress her because it's so hard to impress my wife like i would love for a girl to be like wait we're going to cleveland this weekend oh my god first class tickets this is amazing oh my god you don't have to pay for drinks at the bar oh this is so cool oh they bring his chicken fingers. Oh my gosh. Yep. Well, all right. Now in defense,

this is what I want to get out of this. I want to hear from women that are in our situation with the guy, how they have to play it. Because I got to be honest with you. You know, when they sit there and they go, you know, it takes a really strong man to be with a woman that makes more money than he does. And I've had these debates with Nia. I was like, she goes, could you handle that if I did that? And I was like, I don't think I could. I go, I wouldn't like try to sabotage your career. I would support you when I wouldn't get out of the relationship. But what I would feel like then would be, I would just feel like an adult teenager.

If you can make a baby and make more money than I can, you've just made me useless. That would be like, if I made the money I made and I could have a baby and then you're supposed to sit there as a woman and be like, and what I'm bringing to the table is I go, yay. Yay. You're doing everything. I just think that like both men and women, you want to feel like, you know,

unless you're just a lazy fucking person. Okay. I think that you want to feel like you're, uh, you're contributing. So it's really not about her making more money. It's about my guilt of like, I'm just a fucking, I'm useless. I mean, I might as well just still be in seventh grade. Like you want my driver's license. Can I at least just ride my bicycle to work? Yeah. I can feel like I don't

know like I'm somehow contributing I remember Leanne started her podcast and she uploaded the first one and we opened a bottle of champagne and she was like I'm scared like and I was like oh don't worry about it I go just start a podcast and let it let it grow and oh, don't worry about it. I go, just start a podcast and let it grow and build it. Don't worry about getting, you know, listeners. And then she gets like her first downloads for the first ever podcast. I think it was like something like 10,000 downloads or whatever. And she's like, oh my God. And then she looks at me dead serious, Bill.

She goes, what are you going to do if my podcast gets bigger than your podcast? spill she goes what are you gonna do if my podcast gets bigger than your podcast and i was like i started spitting champagne out my nose like sure that's gonna happen you just started a podcast i go i'm your fucking guest you got 10 000 fucking listens because of me you said that i did i go honey i've worked my whole fucking career my whole career so that anyone so that i'm a valuable podcast guest and i was like it's your first fucking podcast it's 10,000 listens i go don't but she was like why couldn't you just celebrate it like what if what if mine gets bigger than yours i go same reason bert she couldn't celebrate your 25 grand yeah it was listen here's it here's my deal here's my deal with that shit

is like if nia was to start a podcast or she sold a script and she started making more money at this point in my life i would be psyched oh yeah and i would be like because i'm fucking burnt out i've worked i needed a pandemic to fucking chill out and even then i'm fucking if you know all the fucking bullshit i'm doing but um i think you, I don't necessarily be honest with you. Like, I don't think that that is a just knee jerk, sexist reaction as a guy, but the way feminists talk about it, which is understandable because they're not men, but it's basically like my job is to provide. If you're providing, then essentially to replace me at that point, all you need is like a fucking sperm bank. So what would that say about me if I was comfortable with

that? Like, I'm just, I would just feel like I was just sponging off somebody. I can tell you, I can tell you this, Bert. I can tell you this. tell you this Bert I can tell you this if I was in that situation the house would be spotless and I would fucking cook dinner every fucking goddamn night oh god all right and I'll tell you this try saying that to a broad and they'll put you in you know sexist prison right there it's just like I I don't know. I actually think like, we're just, I think that we just got married during a transitional period in male and female relationships. We're like back in the day where the roles were defined. I don't think people were any happier, but I do this and you do this and then it all gets done

yeah now it's kind of it's kind of in like the dryer right now and I think when you come out the other side which to be honest with you I don't think we will because oh god I'm gonna say this that would involve women actually saying that they were happy which has been my experience that that does not exist so at some point there would have to be the final concession that okay we'll give up this and then we'll also do this other shitty thing that you don't like to do yeah which is that other bit that i used to do a long also do this other shitty thing that you don't like to do. Yeah. Which is that other bit that I used to do a long time ago, how they're not really, they don't want an equality. They're looking at a guy's life like it's a buffet. I'll take some of this.

I'll take some of that dying before me. Fuck that. You know, the divorce laws, the way they are, fuck that. You know, they just want, you know, same amount an hour, you know, blah laws the way they are fuck that you know they just want you know same amount an hour you know blah blah blah and then their cartoon idea of what it's like to be a guy i can't believe this podcast has gone this direction man it's fucking weird i think i you know i think is uh it's interesting because i i i woke up i have been thinking today about like two things that you've kind of touched on number one i was like i bet there are guys out there that are really unhappy with their marriage and being in this quarantine has fucking made them out of their fucking minds or decided they don't want to be in this marriage anymore i was like i bet they're out there number two i was like this is gonna sound so fucking horrible i was like i wonder my daughters will never

wow this i don't okay i don't know how the right way to word this or i swear to god you're the only guy i've ever met that made makes me look progressive uh there's a sense of of accomplishment when you know that you're working to support a family it's a weird feeling with that I go like I got a job to do it's it's it's kind of like it must be what guys who serve in the military feel like when they're like, it's a calling. I'm going to do this. I feel good about what I put forward. Like people that, like when you bust your ass and you know that you can afford to feed your family and it's a cool feeling to get into a car times I left and got in the airport at 11 a.m., 11 p.m. to take the red eye into Dallas to make it to get to press in Omaha.

And I was tired and I did press and I drank coffee. And then I got back to the hotel room, passed out, did a whole weekend of shows, flew home. All that work, it's a good, it's a rewarding feeling. And I thought to myself, I go, will I go will my my my wife I don't think is has that same feeling I have she I'm sure she feels great about her life but her work doesn't technically like it's it's not coming out right because I'm making it feel like she doesn't do the same thing I do but it's different in that. What I'm hearing, no, but what I think is that it's you do that and you get fulfilled. Yeah.

Okay. And then a woman's ability with children, that's what makes the whole fucking thing work. And you're not allowed to say that as far as like, they just take it like oh you're saying i should stay home barefoot and pregnant that's not what i'm saying i'm just it's it's like like you you protect the family you go out and you make the money you make sure everybody's safe and fed and can go to bed and not worry that you're gonna come home drunk and fucking do something crazy or that that uh you know you live in a bad neighborhood or that you're going to get broke and get evicted okay your your i feel like your job as a guy is to provide and make people feel safe and then your

wife is the general and she determines the battle plan she decides where they're going to go to school what activities they're doing we need a vacation we need a new fucking couch they make all of those decisions and your job is when she asks you your opinion is to act like you share that opinion so then they can feel like it was actually a group decision rather than a unilateral decision it always spins off i'm trying to say something positive here um if you were a woman and you and you made all the money and your man didn't work ultimately and i was a woman I'd be the biggest cunt this planet ever saw. But continue. And by the way, if we can back up,

I love that you compared being a dad and providing to fighting in Fallujah. Making that connecting flight, going to Penguins in Des Moines, doing that shit joke one more time. You're a fucking green beret. My point is, it feels good. Like, it's a rewarding feeling. And if you're a woman and you're making all the money and your husband doesn't work,

you don't get to feel that rewarding feeling. At some point, you're going to feel guilty. You're going to feel like, fuck, I got to help him fuck i gotta help i think i actually to be honest with you i think that i would think and i what the fuck do i know yeah i'm same here okay that they would resent the fact that they married a bum i would just feel like i would just feel like a like when are you gonna cut me off this 46 man roster this there's no way i'm making it past pre-season it's just like i'm gonna it's just oh i made mac and cheese i'm not and and then not only that she's gonna be naturally better at taking care of children than I am. Yeah. Because I'm a

fucking guy. And so I'm going to be at home, not earning money, not earning as much. And then I'm going to not be as good at just like their intuition. When to be firm. I've watched my wife do it. When to be like, hey, that's enough. Or when to be like, come watched my wife do it when to be like hey that's enough or when to be like come here let's talk and then like watch her talk my daughter down from motion it's fucking magical i don't know how to do that oh yeah she's gonna be watching me being like hey i fucking rub some dirt on it fucking quit you're crying a tray is as good as a plate you know watching that shit and i'm not making any money and then she's at work with these fucking guys who are making a fucking living that she relates to more i just how long before i i get the boot

there's a lot more room to be a bum as a woman if you if you're like just an unmotivated woman you're like i just want to be a bum as a woman. If you're like just an unmotivated woman, you're like, I just want to be a housewife. I think I could do that. And then fucking. I know. And then years later, if they feel bad about being a bum, you have to cheer them up and tell them that being a bum isn't that bad.

Being a bum. Where the other way around, yeah, you are a bum. Why don't you start earning some fucking money or at least clean up this place? I've been working all fucking goddamn day. I come home, you're sitting here playing video games. Oh, you know what I mean? You got to applaud them, Bert. It took them, if you go back to women's suffrage or if you go back to burning bras,

it took them at least 50 years. But they did it. They turned the whole fucking thing around where they are now above criticism. to burning bras. It took them at least 50 years, but they did it. They turned the whole fucking thing around where they are now above criticism and they can do whatever they want. Yeah. And you can do what you're supposed to do and put 25 grand on a table

and have that fucking knocked down the way the fucking, the old housewife busted her ass all week. And then the guy comes home to his steak dinner. He sits down, takes a bite. Christ, you cooked the shit out of it. You cooked the shit out of it. Yeah.

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here wishing you safety and good health for it i crushed that i didn't even stumble we're both good out loud readers i just realized i need to slow down and not panic. And then it all happens for me. Yeah, I panic. I panic hard when I start reading out loud. Oh, I don't know. But here's the thing. In defense of my wife, as I am really difficult to live with. So how I try to make up for it is I try to do everything. Like I cook, I clean, I earn the living and all of that and even then i'm still in the fucking dog house a lot and i'm not bitching because i am uh yeah i'm a i'm a volatile son of a bitch oh i i don't i'm i'm selfish i that's what i've realized i'm just very selfish i don't, I'm selfish. That's what I've realized. I'm just very selfish. I don't think of other people first in our family.

I think of what serves me. Because I know that- You know, Bert, I would never guess that as you're sitting here with a fucking unbuttoned Hawaiian shirt. I used to meet guys dressed like you, right? And fucking in like bars or after shows. And when I was really trashing women in my act, when I was really at the height of my fear of losing my Nia and not getting married and never having kids, that's why I was trashing women the way I was. Not because

I believe that shit. It was like, I was so terrified of taking that next step but i would get guys who would come up to me and took it at face value and they would be dressed like you and they'd be like dude that's why i never got married fuck these some bitch come in take half my fucking money and i would just be looking at him like this is the option this is the guy and then you you you see him with some chick half his fucking age and i was just like i i can't i can't do this and getting married and doing all this shit was the fucking smartest thing i ever did and my wife is fucking great but i will tell you you know but i'm just being i'm just speaking my truth that it is not a – you ever get in a fight at a fucking football stadium

or a baseball stadium with a guy a row behind you and you're punching up and he's punching down? Yeah. Yeah, in a marriage, you're the guy in the row below. Oh. Oh. God. Yeah. oh god yeah not my wife's texting now it's coming up on my computer are you are you comfortable are you okay yeah i'm fine oh what she's hearing the podcast or no no

no no no no she will hear this and she will i know exactly what she'll say i worked a shit job when we first started and how and working at that apartment complex doing shit i didn't want to do so you could follow your fucking dream i found a penny stock before anyone knew it was a penny stock um yeah i don't know i i i don't know i was a fucking loner for a long goddamn time i i don't i don't i don't know i mean i don't even what what the fuck you just said took me to a fucking place yeah i didn't want to i don't want to go on i closed that room what's that what's that fucking creepy story from back in medieval times, where there was a battle, and the king's son ran away from it and ran and hid in one of the rooms in the castle. And one of the knights told him that his son was a coward. He was hiding in there.

And he goes, I refuse to believe that my son would do that. So much so that he had him start bricking up the door and there was no way to get out of it. And the kid was quiet the whole fucking time until the last brick. And then he sort of meekly goes, father. And the guy with the bricks looked at the king and the king goes, put the last one in. Father. I don't know why I just thought of that.

Maybe because I felt like that person in the room. Yeah, I don't know. A few things I'm hanging my hat on these days. One of them is, you know, one of the things I can't get past is what do you think it is about Tom Brady that makes him the greatest? Do you think it's mentality or is it, it's, it's gotta be his brain, right? It's the mentality. And then you also have to have the luck. Yeah.

Of who you go to because the thing was is if he was doing with the Patriots if he did that at Michigan which he didn't do until his senior year and the games were there but I just think by then everybody all the scouting reports were in that he went in the sixth round that if you get draft, like one of the worst things you can do is be the number one draft picked running back or quarterback receiver. You can possibly survive at least until you can get traded. Oh, that's interesting.

You're going to take, well, they protect quarterbacks now more, but the beating back in the day that you took as a running back and as a quarterback as the first one picked, because you were going to go to the Lions. You know, you were going to go to some fucked up team. Vinny Testaverde. Yeah, and you were going to get the fucking shit kicked out of you. Like, there's so many guys that, like,

you probably never even got to see how good they would have been so it was a combination it was the perfect storm of the guy that was with it was the given the gift the athleticism and then the drive which i really think that that is developed. Like so much of watching that Jordan documentary, you know, I was thinking about my career and the years I wasted being this fucking business and no one wants to pick me and I don't have a manager, an agent, blah, blah, blah, blah. And I had all the power to turn it around,

sit down and write something, get better and just get so good. When I made that switch of like, I'm just going to get so funny that they have to fucking book me. When I went into that mindset, that ended up like filtering into all different parts of my life of like, you just like, I'm going to get each day. I'm going to get a little better i'm gonna get a little better i'll get a little better i'm not saying you're gonna get as good as brady or jordan but you're gonna you're gonna find that you have way more in the tank than you think you have so what was your process when you started because i feel like i feel like i was there for your this sounds silly but like when you became

undeniable that's a really undeniable is a really interesting phrase. Because I remember Rogan telling me that in the backstage of the store, and I just was kind of lost. I didn't know what I was doing. And I wanted to do a Netflix special. And he said, you have to get on Netflix. And I was like, yeah, I don't know how to do that. And he goes, become undeniable. And I went, okay.

And I did in whatever way I did., my process was not, I don't even know. I just was just, I just was like, I'll just work every fucking week then. And I'll just keep doing standup. And I remember, I remember cognizantly saying jokes that are funny that are this long. I'm going to shorten them to this long and maybe I'll just take the one thing out of it. And I'm going to dump everything I have into this hour. But what was your process when you became, when you decided that you go, I want to become undeniable? What was the, what did you do? I stopped worrying about making it. And I decided that I was going to go down, you know, with what I wanted to say and how I wanted to do it and I stopped pursuing it and there's like a powerful thing to just going to a club killing saying thank you

saying goodbye to everybody fucking leaving and just continuing just hammering it every fucking night. And just not giving a fuck, dude. Like when I just, I just got to a point in this business where I tried to do, like I tried to wear, I tried to have the look. I tried to be where, I tried to do the rooms where everyone was getting deals. I tried to get into the festivals. I tried to do like wherever tried to do the rooms where everyone was getting deals I tried to get into the

festivals I tried to do like wherever there was a commotion oh get into the middle of the commotion get over there get over there and then I just said fuck this fuck the festivals fuck having a manager an agent fuck all of that I just want to become the best comic i could be and um i just decided that i was going to get good enough that you could put me in any situation and i could kill so i did everything from the uptown black rooms gay clubs uh alt rooms late night at the cellar or the boston the fucking strip all of them had a different vibe. And I went up there and I remember just slowly getting rid of that, like, oh, fuck, I'm in this part of the country. I can't say 7-Eleven. I got

to say Circle K to years and years and years and years later doing a stand-up special in London England and doing like a fucking NFL reference and not giving a shit if people get it or not not in like an arrogant way but just being like if I was in a bar I would say that to a guy from London yeah and then he'd be like you know like right mate they don't have fucking NFL over here what the fuck you talking about and then we would joke about soccer versus you know why do they call it football NFL football that ended up happening with the crowds so I kind of did that and so then my stand-up got to be where it needed to be, but then like writing scripts and everything, I just was, I just wanted to sit down and do it, I didn't have the fucking patience, too ADD,

too scatterbrained to sit down and be, what is the story you're trying to tell, where does it start, where does it end, how do I get there, and I was just always good with like dialogue, how do I get there? And I was just always good with like dialogue. I could really write the dialogue. And I got that show F is for Family. And I sat in the writer's room and I learned, you know, and I just asked people that were good at it. And the best advice I got about writing a scene for all you young writers out there, get in late, you know, go in late and get out early. So start the scene late, like in that, I don't need you walking in like, you know, Hey Bill, how you doing? Great. How was traffic? And then get to the thing,

start the fucking scene where they're already at the thing and maybe set a few things. So it's moving. And then when you fucking, the second you've moved the ball to this next thing, get the fuck out of the scene. And that's how it becomes tight. And then, you know, afterwards, you know, you can add some different fucking elements, whatever the fuck you want to do. If you want to rip off Tarantino or a fucking rip off Scorsese, whatever the fuck you want to do. If you want to rip off Tarantino or a fucking rip off Scorsese, whoever the fuck you're going to rip off or whatever. But then I kind of learned how to do that.

And I'll be honest with you, it was such a long fucking process. It started in 1999 when I lost everything left la no manager no agent nothing and i and i moved back to new york became unincorporated dumped the whole billy burr thing because somebody told me bill burr doesn't flow and you won't make it drop the y went Y, went back to Bill Burr, which is who I always was, and just said, fuck it. Went back to my walkthrough bedroom in New York. And the first thing I did was I did Sunday night talents room, the Uptown Show. I faced that one.

And dude, I can't even tell you, out of all the achievement and milestones and shit that I never thought I would do, that fucking one night when I went down and did that, dude, like I lived off of that for fucking years, that feeling. And I just sort of been chasing that with just, you know, and really just staying just ahead of the comfort zone so you know you're like growing and just like like oh god I'm gonna feel really stupid doing that and then just I just do it just do it and I and I would just think of like certain performers I would think of Jim Carrey

and one of the most brilliant physical comedic things I've ever seen is the beginning of, of, um, Ace Ventura pet detective part two, the smell of fear. Yeah. When he's in that with that animal suit and it starts getting hot and he has to take his clothes off and then he's completely butt naked and then comes out the back and it looks like whatever i forget what animal he was in it looks like what was it a rhinoceros a rhinoceros he comes out the back and if you look the way he falls he literally falls the way they fall where he fell and then did that flop over butt ass fucking naked in front of an entire camera crew one of the most brilliant things and fearless things i ever saw i would just think of

that going jim carrey got into a fucking rhinoceros suit naked to be filmed on something that you could see in fucking 70 millimeter he had the balls to do that i can't go up on something that you could see in fucking 70 millimeter. He had the balls to do that. I can't go up on, on the, you know, black night. I can't go into this gay club and just figure out how to do my shit. I can't do the alt room where all the fucking, you know, back in the day when the alt rooms, they were just the darlings and all the big fucking people there. And everybody had ripped off Janine garofalo's look it was

fucking unbelievable right yeah and i'd go in there with my fucking and i would deliberately go down there wearing like a bruins t-shirt i would deliberately go down and just be clubby yeah you know because i remember derosa used to joke he said oh bill i did an alt room he goes he goes they could smell the clubs on me the crowd could smell the club they didn't like it i was trying too hard because there was literally a time you do those rooms that if you like tried to be funny it was hey man you're not you're not fucking you know this isn't what this is about man yeah so i just i don't know i think i did that and then that just became part of, it just became, it seeped down into the subconscious. And then you just start,

you just start, it's everything. It's how I ended up finally getting the balls to play drums live and sit in with people. I remember it went back to that Boston night, Sunday night at the Boston. I remember how I talked myself into it because I was going to chicken out. And it would have had no effect on my career because I could have just gone back to the mainstream rooms. I just remember thinking, what's going to feel worse tonight when you put your head on the pillow? Going up on this night and bombing but knowing that you fucking bitched up and didn't go up and it was just like well that's an easy one yeah so then i just i just took all i had and i just walked right in went up and said what's up to talent so we saw me and then there was no getting out then.

And then I just sat there with my fucking stomach in knots. And then like most things, I went up there and it wasn't nearly as difficult as I thought. I mean, I basically, you know, the first few times I did it, I steered in like, oh, I'm a white guy. I don't know what's going on. I mean, I basically did step in fetching white guy. I'm the corny white guy. Doesn't know what's going on. But then the game became, can I just go on stage and do the act I would do? I'm going to go do over at the cellar. Yeah, because that's, I mean, I think a lot of what you, I think everything you talk about is relatable.

It doesn't matter what color you are. everything you talk about relatable it doesn't matter what color you are yeah well that's um that's sort of the thing that i i try to tell people that are open-minded like i'll be honest with you i avoid issue comics what do you mean comics that like uh in interviews like talk about like just all all of that all of that shit that all of that stuff like what you know the stuff that they talk about i just don't need the fucking headache i just i say hello goodbye and I just stay away from him. But if I meet a real comic, okay, that is like, not just an excuse bucket.

Who's not doing this fantasy thing saying that if I was white, straight male, saying that if I was white, straight, male, none of them would be a white, straight, male fucking grinding it out in a writer's room for a fucking Comedy Central show that gets canceled after three seasons. They'd never be that guy. They're always like an A-lister making fucking $20 million, right?

So, you know, and there's a element of truth and there's a cartoon to that thing so like when i meet a comic that is just doing that then i'm here because i'm this but if i was you i'd be way beyond you and i'd be at the top of the mountain so in a way they're saying hey i'm actually fucking better than you are. And you're, you're where you are cause you suck. But I'm, I'm where I'm at because all of these fucking excuses, when I run into somebody like that, or I hear that fucking rhetoric. Yeah. You know,

I saw somebody one time complaining about a club that they couldn't get into and was saying, because it was, it was because of x y and z and i was sitting there laughing going like you just sent a tape i auditioned to that club in person and they turned me down that was a hell of a lot fucking funnier than you are but you're not allowed to say that so when i meet people like that i'm just like hey you know what's going on there's something something culture whatever the fuck you're you're hashtagging today i just stay away from those hey, what's going on there? Something, something, culture, whatever the fuck you're hashtagging today. I just stay away from those people.

But if I meet a legit comic that's asking me comic questions, then I will do anything I can to help them out. And I tell them the undeniable thing. I'll actually talk about some of the games that I've learned how to play to free myself up on stage. Once you learn how to kill, you can just do that. But if you want to grow, you have to learn how to bomb, but not lose the crowd. You can't bomb to the point where they don't want to give you more spots it's it's like this whole fucking game of energy but then within that like uh you know when

i learned how to act out bits and do like two characters in one bit like that was a whole fucking process that i avoided for years and years and years and years and years and i'd be in the car and i could do it no problem with nia and then I tried to do it on stage for two nights in a row and it wouldn't work just because I wasn't as comfortable on stage as I was in a car and I would just quit and then one day I just said I'm not I'm not stopping until I learn how to do this and dude it was like fucking two weeks yeah two weeks all of sudden, I could do it for five, six minutes, and then I was just fucking off and running. And I think that out of all the shit that's going on out there, no matter how fair it gets, which it's never going to be fair, because there's always going to be people that know somebody that have a connection. it most of it so much of it comes down to your mindset and how hard you work and your drive is so much of it because dude I am not even remotely the funniest guy from my generation of of comics like I'm not going to name any names, but I know people that are infinitely, effortlessly more funny than I am.

But for whatever reason, they either lack the drive or they couldn't put the puzzle pieces together or they were too scatterbrained on going down this road. I'm going to come back to start. Now I'm going to go down this road. I'm coming back to start going down this road. Oh, now I'm going to come back to start. Now I'm going to go down this road. Now I'm coming back to start going down this road, you know, which I've actually seen people make that work, you know? And, um, because then at some point they've learned all these roads and then they put

it together into this one thing that they do. Like, I remember being, Oh, I've talked about this before, being a fan of, of Louis CK. And I,

when, when he was as a comedian and then he was writing for Letterman I'm like why the fuck's he wasting his time I thought he was wasting his time doing that yeah and when he started directing stuff and for like Chris Rock I thought he was wasting his time and then he learned all of that part of the business and then he came back and then went 100% with the stand-up but then knew how to write a script knew how to shoot the script knew how to put the whole thing together and then knew how to write a script knew how to shoot the script knew how to put the whole thing together and then he had his show you were like oh fuck now i get this so i'm the

i think i've talked enough i don't have any i just know kind of like what works for me but i absolutely love meeting younger comics writers and that type of stuff that are like humble hungry and want to fucking like get better like i i'll fucking i'll talk to somebody like that all fucking night but if like those that other fucking thing you know that fucking thing where hey if i was you i'd be doing everything you're doing and i'd be doing 10 times more i just in my head i'm like you wouldn't yeah you wouldn't you wouldn't because then you're saying that that i'm not fucking working go fuck yourself i mean that's the competitive thing in me i'm like fuck you i'd be funnier than you

i talked to uh i talked to patton Oswalt this week and I, and he was saying, I think it was either he was saying, or I was saying that you, him and Doug Stanhope are the three guys in the business that have a great way of finding words, like finding ways to describe things. You do it. You do so many great ones like when you when you'll take like a phraseology from from sports and put it into a bit I love it and Patton said you know what I used to do is I used to read the sporting news's top articles of the year and read how they were written because sometimes the phraseology in sports is so much better than anywhere else.

Like sports writers, great sports writers really know how to say what they're saying in like just a few words. Well, that's what we say when we always talk about street jokes. What I love about street jokes is there's not one ounce of fat. Yeah.

It's just total... It's the most efficient thing ever and i remember this comic teaching me this going like when he when we were we were talking about the topic of silence and not being afraid of silence as a comedian he goes all right he goes you watch comics right you watch a guy up there working working working, working, working the whole fucking time, pouring sweat, keeping the crowd with him. You watch that same guy at the end of his set. Go to tell a fucking street joke. And a lot of times a street joke is, is it's a 30 second setup.

You know, and he, you watch that guy after his whole time. This guy knows what I'm talking about. Back me up, buddy. Hey, his whole time this guy knows i'm talking about back me up buddy hey the whole time trying to so trying to keep the fucking plate spinning and you go you watch him tell the street joke the second he goes like all right two guys walk into a bar the whole crowd just settles in okay what happened tell me the story and he goes that same guy who thinks three seconds of silence is he is a half a second away from death will then end his set with the street joke where he will effortlessly go through 30 seconds of silence before the fucking whatever the punchline comes in and I kind of learned a lot from that that it's like

that you can be doing stand-up for so long that you literally feel like silence is they're not, means they're not listening or they don't care. And when you run from silence, you lose almost every other emotion that you can then put into a bit to separate your shit from other people. Like rory scoville watching that guy his comfortableness with silence and making people uncomfortable is is like a it's a fucking master class wow this he'll have this over-the-top absurdity in that yeah so he'll be scaring the shit out of him making him squirm while doing some of the silliest shit ever is like like i feel like watching that guy is like a master class in a form of controlling um all of these sort of emotions that for the first, for me anyways,

the first 12 years of my career, I ran from, I don't want to have them squirming. I don't want to have them uncomfortable. I don't want to freak them out. I don't want to have them questioning like, is this guy sane? Like then what you've just, you just, an amputee, you just cut off this, all of these different colors that you can add into your jokes. So, and I still don't know how to do a lot of that shit, but that's the type of thing that, that's the way you can take topics that everybody else is talking

about and really get to the heart of what you're saying and just take this totally different trail to it that if somebody saw your set list they'd be like oh this guy's a fucking hack and then they sit down and watch it and it's like refreshing like chris rock was probably the first guy that i noticed that could take topics that like comics had just beaten to death and then just find this this open window of the freshest air ever and before you even realized that oh this is this is he's doing this topic you were laughing your ass off and it wasn't until I was like going home or if I watched one of his specials I would think about the set list and I'd be like Jesus Christ that in a way is almost harder than being original yeah I remember seeing that with Louis CK he did a joke that I thought was like, the premise in and of itself was like stuff.

I was like, well, we've all thought of that. We all avoid that topic. And then he did it so fresh. I went, oh, fuck. So nothing's off the table. You ever hear that Dana Gould album? No. He was talking about, you know, is anything funny?

He goes, I'm'm gonna do a joke that involves rape something else pedophilias and 9-11 and he did it and it was fucking hilarious and he was proving this point that that there that there is you know there there is, you know, there, there is, it's just what, if it's funny, it's funny, you know? And I think people make a mistake of thinking that certain topics, if you joke about them, it means that you don't care. And it's like, no, people who say that don't understand that humor is also a way of deflecting pain. You joke about it because it is painful because you don't want to feel it. That's why people in battle, cops, people who fucking, you know, go to murder scenes. I remember talking to this woman when I was on the road. She was a defense attorney. She worked

for the state. And she had to come up with the defense of a guy who killed his wife and his little kids and they had to come up with the defense because that was their job and this guy deserved so they were just sitting there how do you come up with the defense for a guy that killed a three-year-old yeah and somebody just presented this absurd thing well the kid was coming at me and it started this thing and she said within 20 seconds we were all crying laughing and it was not because they didn't care it's because they needed to do that because they had to sit across from a table of a guy who did that. Yeah.

And like, I would almost say that that is like, like them coming up with that joke is comedy. The comedy version of the emotion of crying. Okay. We got to get this job done. I don't want to cry about it. So I have to make a joke. So I can get over this next hurdle. So I can get this fucking stupid defense down on paper and I can just go up and read this so we abide by the laws and this guy gets a fair trial and then they

put this piece of shit in jail gee this but this comp this podcast has been all over the place what a great podcast.