The Bill Bert Podcast - The Bill Bert Podcast | Episode 19

Episode Date: June 24, 2020

Bill and Bert prattle about learning how to swim, candy bars, and getting beat up at an amusement park.

All right. Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr, and it's time for another edition of the Bill Burr-t-podcast. I thought you were going to go the Monday morning podcast. Oh, I don't know what I was doing. I didn't realize we were going to be starting here, so don't worry. I got to turn on the fucking AC here, man. It's getting a little hot in here. It's getting a little hot in here. We had the AC off in the bus last night. We pulled into San Antonio and parked, and it was fucking sweltering.

Oh, yeah. Texas in June, buddy. Here's something I haven't used in forever. My luggage. Dude, being on the road is surreal, Bill. Why? What's... Okay. Dude, we did... I did Stand Up Live in Phoenixenix first time back on stage in 95

days and it was i gotta be honest with you the social distancing was questionable yeah dude it's that's it's not cool man it's just i don't know what people are doing they're just they i this is the thing it's i understand because people have to get out of the house they got to get back to work okay when these fucking bankers fucked everybody over for the nine millionth time in 2008 they had all kinds of fucking money they could make to pay to do that why can't they just print some fucking money again like we always do to solve a problem and get up get everybody tested yeah yeah Sick ones stay home, everybody else goes to work. The brilliant scientists continue to work on a cure. Like why can't they do that?

You can bang, oh, we're too fucking big to fail. And what? We're not. I've been- I don't understand why they won't help regular people. Yeah, I don't know. Well, there's, I don't know. I think the- What probably doesn't help that Captain Stupid i don't know well there's i don't know i think the probably

doesn't help that captain stupid is walk is using the virus to show like how his dick still stands up i don't need a mask i've never had a fucking cold in my life it's just fucking bizarre man dude i am contact no contact 100 i have not we went floating down the Rio Grande yesterday. But like you go literally mask fucking everywhere. And it's amazing how many people are not wearing masks at all. It's not amazing. It's not amazing. The president isn't wearing one. Half the country loves the guy. He's not wearing one. That's the guy. Yeah, it's I like Malcolm Young. You know, that's their guy. Yeah. I liked Malcolm Young. You know, that was my guy.

So I wore jeans and T-shirts. That's what you do. He is their guy. Well, I hope Donny Boy is right. Old Donny Brook, you know? Yeah. It's crazy to go from L.A. to the middle of the country and see. I mean, L.A. is so follow the rules. And then you get out

of LA and it's just people in bars, people in restaurants. There were people in a Denny's last night. We were driving by a Denny's and just packed. It was fucking packed. And you're like, holy shit. Yeah, they've had enough. But I think they probably were playing by the rules. But at some point, people got to make money and people got to go get a grand slam breakfast. Yeah. All right. So get the fucking test out there. Print a bunch of fucking money.

Put a little cocaine in there. Whatever they do. You know, it's a briefcase. Isn't there always a briefcase involved in that? Right? Fucking test out there. Let's just get back to normal. Everybody on the left. Oh, my God. Trump's the back to normal. Everybody on the left.

Oh, my God. Trump's the biggest monster ever. Everybody on the right. Well, fucking Obama wasn't even born here. And we're all outside again. Yeah. I just remain silent and just complicit in my silence. Yeah.

I was, you know, I laid off Trump for a long time because i don't want to be that guy who doesn't know shit telling people what they should be doing and i'm still not doing that but dude to hold a fucking rally in tulsa when he did i mean come on man i mean just i hate i don't i'm not into bullies dude dude that's what fucks me up. I really have a... My hair gets up on my back about bullies. Like someone's saying... That's why I don't like when people videotape you.

It's kind of a bully move. It's like... I don't like the extreme left telling everybody what words they can use. They're a bunch of fucking bullies. I don't like them either. There's a lot of people I don't like, Bert. Oh, let me tell you. Here's what I think is hilarious.

I won't say any names, but I've been following online and all these call out things. What is hilarious is once you call someone out and do this, the internet shifts its focus to you and goes, all right, let's see where that motherfucker slipped up. And then they start, hey, what about this, when you did this? And then they start tearing that person down. It's like, you know what I like? I like how all of these people get retroactively offended by something that came out when they were like 35. Now they're 42. Like, oh my God,

what kind of world was this? The world you were living in when you were 35. like, oh my God, what kind of world was this? The world you were living in when you were 35. You've had seven years to be offended by this. And now all of a sudden everything shifted. And now all of a sudden you're going to get all offended. What do you got here? A little wiffle ball?

These guys, these kids are taking their shirts off in front of my bus, taking pictures. It's a dad with his three kids. I think they're out for Father's Day. I think they're out there for you, Bert. That's probably his Father's Day gift. You connect with the people, Bert. Dude.

Man, I had the coolest experience yesterday. We get done floating the Rio Grande, and these fans came out and were tailgating by my bus. But they were – here's what you got to say. Everyone has been super cool about me saying hey man i gotta keep distance from you i can't be around you so they tailgated and there was like a barrier and they were hanging out we were having beers with this barrier in between us just catching up they're like this i was in a speedo it was the greatest experience i have not met one person who's been um who's been kind of dickish about social distancing.

Everyone gets it. Everyone understands it. And it's, it's been, it's been really cool, man. I love getting back on stage. So people on your tour are doing a good job.

The Denny's not so much, but the tour. Yeah. That's on Denny's though. That's on Denny's. The getting on stage for the first time, I thought I wouldn't have a problem with it at all. God damn it.

It was just clumsy as shit. Just. Well, that's inevitable, dude. You haven't gone to the gym in four months. I mean, it was so stumbly where you're just like, like normally you got stuff in your pocket, and you're like, oh, and then you're just sitting there going,

huh, what's next? What's next? And then the next time i we did two shows the next time i got off stage it started flowing a little bit and then tonight we have two shows in san antonio that'll be great and then then we're off to new orleans we do a crawfish boil tomorrow new orleans man that's one of my favorite places i did a show there earlier this year and then went to the college super bowl lsu versus cle Clemson Tigers. The Tigers versus the Tigers. I had a great time. What do you miss the most in this quarantine? What do you miss the most doing? Is it concerts, sporting events? What do you miss the most? What's the first thing you're going to do when they go, quarantine's lifted, we found a cure. Everyone's got the cure coming in the mail

on Monday. What are you going to do when they go quarantine's lifted we found a cure everyone's got the cure coming in the mail on Monday what are you going to do that first weekend yeah I'm going to fly a helicopter my wife gave me the green light to do it today because it was Father's Day but I wanted I was like I don't want to leave my family on Father's Day so I'm going to fly later on this week first time since before the the Kobe Bryant shit just kind of Took all the fun out of it. You know what I mean? That was a bit of a bummer obviously so you feel rusty when you fly if you haven't flown in a while Oh god, yeah, yeah I'm on the radio dick making bad calls and just yeah, it's just like anything else if you don't do it

then you're not good at it, so I you you know i obviously go up with an instructor or whatever and uh you know i've gotten to know some people out there and i got a friend who knows a guy who has an a-star which is the one the cops fly that one's fucking awesome so i think if i'm only gonna go up once this month might as well go up in style and uh and also something nice and big. Everybody can see you and shit, you know? So it's good. That clip of you and Rogan talking about mass is so funny and it got so many views, but I love,

I love how the media wants to, wants to pit you guys. I like as, as if you're not, I know we were both having a good time. I said it and he, I love making Joe light. That was like a great,

like gut laugh from Joe that's what I liked about it and then it becomes like this yeah everything gets like politicized and all of that shit it was it was just two guys hanging out joking around with each other breaking balls yeah it's just it's crazy what's going on it it just seems like a weird time you know crazy what's going on. It just seems like a weird time, you know? I'll tell you, Bert, I think you got your finger on the pulse. This is definitely strange. This is not normal. Hey, Bert, you know what separates your comedy from other people's stand-up is your ability to get to the root of what's... We all dance around it. As we all dance around it, Bert, you just get right in there. You know, I must have not thought that for four months.

You're right, Bert. This is a weird time. Sorry, man. We're trying to teach Jesus Trejo how to swim. Not in the Rio Grande, you're not. Yeah, we tried. We tried in a pool yesterday, and then we took him out in the Rio Grande, you're not. We tried, we tried in a pool yesterday and then we took him out to the Rio Grande with a life preserver because it's shallow.

The Rio Grande is only like, it never gets deeper than four feet where we were. Um, but dude, teaching a grown man to swim is fucking scary. Cause panic muscles are no joke oh yeah so i if i was going to try to teach an adult how to swim the first thing i would do shallow in i'd get them to be comfortable with their head under the water so just be like you control everything hang on to the side close your

eyes and then go under low bubbles we're gonna work it up to like 10 seconds 15th there you're comfortable under there maybe get some goggles where you can see and then all you gotta do is just like face plant and you're gonna float don't move just hold your breath at any point you can just put your foot down i'm sure that's not the way to do it i'm sure we have a couple of lifeguards gonna be like um first of of all, way to make middle-aged men drown with that misinformation. That's what we did. We took him to the side. He held onto the side, and he put his head in the water.

And then we had him blow bubbles. And then we had him flutter kick holding onto the side. Then we had him flutter kick and let go of one hand and flutter kick. And then Dave Williamson grabbed him and pushed him to me like we were kids. kick holding onto the side then we had him flutter kick and let go of one hand and flutter click and then dave williamson grabbed him and pushed him to me like we were kids and that was a fucking huge mistake because he grabbed off like like it was he grabbed onto me like panic like and you felt a grown man's use all his muscles and we were like, all right, that's not going to work. You quit on him?

We were like, we'll pick this up at the pool tomorrow. We'll try to – we'll hit it again tomorrow. But he moved forward though, right? He's moved forward. Now he can go underwater like he can dunk underwater. That's great. That's half the battle right there. It's crazy when you look at something like learning a new language, you go, God, that seems insurmountable. But I think things like reading or swimming or those kind of skills that seems like everyone just takes for granted.

When you haven't done it and you're a grown-up it he it is he was legit terrified like legit and it just seems like something so many people take for granted you know what i mean yeah sorry do you remember to add more to that but i just 100 agreed with it what do you remember do you remember learning how to swim? Yeah. I learned late for kids. So I was like in third or fourth grade. Really? Yeah. Well, we just didn't have a pool. You know, my friend across the street had an above ground pool when I was really young. But yeah, no. And then my mother got us all into swimming lessons. It was embarrassing because it was all like these kids in like nursery school and kindergarten learning how to do the doggy paddle.

And I was like two feet bigger than them going, ugh, ugh. But then once I got it, I really took to it and I love it. Yeah. I learned how to do it. My uncle threw me in the pool there was zero left turns of surprises the second you said my uncle Mike he threw him in the pool yep no rocks in your bathing suit too just to make it a little tougher nope just threw me so they could find out who the runt of the litter was threw me in the pool and in front of my parents didn't tell my parents

said he'll this will teach him and he just threw me into my dad is a very i he's always been a very sensitive liberal like feelings guy like never never ever said any slur of any type that's not my dad he's not a locker room talk guy he's a very sensitive guy and um my dad lost his fucking shit i mean they're basically killing you're killing someone's kid technically i would love to have seen video of that i gotta tell you your uncle was way out of line way out of line even back then that is way out of line yeah what happened so he fishes you out i learned how to swim i just started swimming i i don't i i just really refuse to believe that all of a sudden you turn into like mark spitz

were you doing the flip over turns too? Just because you had to? I don't remember at all, but that's how I learned is I got thrown in the pool and then I just started swimming after that. And gradually learned how to swim. You didn't just start swimming. I think I figured it out. I remember doing, I remember, I remember, I took swim lessons,

but I remember knowing how to dog paddle. That was my dog paddle was like what I- Okay. See, I just needed you to clarify paddle. That was my dog paddle was like what I could do. Okay. See, I just needed you to clarify that because there's people listening to this, Bert. And they're just going to throw their kid in there thinking that all of a sudden he's going to start doing the butterfly across the fucking pool. Dude, I could never do the butterfly. That's one thing that I go, I wish I could do the butterfly. It looks so pretty.

Does it? It looks like you're snow plowing a pool it looks just that picture of you with your arms up and your face above the water with the goggles on i would love to have one of those it is 100 showing off it is the most inefficient movement a human being could ever do if they're ever trying to get across the water. That porpoise kick alone. Yeah. Okay. How much effort that takes. And then to like,

rather than just the fluid, the crawl is the shit. That's what it is. That's, that's the deal right there. You know? Sorry, I got to shut this fucking thing off here.

I just texted you both a clip that was going around this week of a woman who threw like a six month old into the pool. Maybe... Oh, my God. I'm not watching that. Shut up. It's not a bad one.

It's like she's a swimming instructor and the kid just starts swimming. Like, it's not... Oh, it is? Oh, my God. Oh, then I love this because this just... It goes under

and he just pops out. Holy shit. Oh, he's a baby. I just want to lend credence to Bird's story. All right, well, here's the thing. The baby has an inability to panic. It's kind of like a kid. I mean, you're going to float up.

Like, adults who can't swim after they drown, they float up like that, too. Oh, people legit drown. There was, there was a big thing on, God damn it. I wish I could remember. I saw, I was on Real Sports

about starting these, I guess there was a football player who didn't know how to swim. And he said it was a big problem is people pushing each other in the pool. And if you push, a pool's got to

be fucking terrifying to you if you can't swim and to be at a party it's like a pit of fire i would imagine yeah it's death to them it's death you're looking at it like oh wow this is great little rest little r and r there burt yeah um i'm having a tough time this Father's Day. Why? Because I realized that when I have to learn how to let people do shit for me, because I sit there going, oh, no, I don't need anything. I don't need anything. Then it sucks for them because they can't do stuff.

And then afterwards, I look at all my friends. Hey, I went golfing with my son. I did this. And I'm like, why don't I do that? Ah, low self-esteem is rearing its ugly head. So my wife was going, hey, what do you want for dinner? Let me see if we can do something special. I'm like, you know, we got all that food in the fridge. Let's just eat it up. It stresses me out when there's extra food. I don't like to throw food out. I just see her looking at me like, oh boy, this is fun. I said, all right, you're right. You're right. You right you're right so wait what is your

father day what does your father's day look like I'm on the road I had mine last week um what have I done today uh well I hung out with my wife and beautiful kids and then I uh I know I did something I worked out rehab my kept with going with the rehab of the shoulder and uh did a couple boxes here in the office I mean at some point this the office is gonna look fucking great um I'm on my way so I just have to you know so I've been doing just shit like that um let's say here's the deal dude if there wasn't this quarantine right now i would go out with all of them tonight to some greasy spoon mom and pop place everybody gets burgers and i'd get a burger split a burger with my wife and a root beer float maybe a little fucking uh stick i'm going back to the sticks dude

i fucked up really i fucked up bird i saw you smoking one with joe and i went oh i should have said no because i had already smoking in two days in a row. Somebody got me some cigars, great cigars, for my birthday. So it was the night before my birthday and I was going to wait till my birthday, but then I was like, oh, it's my last day of being 51. I'll smoke one. So I smoked that and then it was my birthday and then I did a Zoom call with all my friends, you know what I mean, all the buddies, and So I smoked that. And then it was my birthday. And then I did a Zoom call with all

my friends, you know what I mean? All the buddies and we fucking did that. So I was like, all right, those are my two, you know, because I had none in February, one in March, none in April, two in May. And then I just had my two for June and then I was done. And then I did Rogan. So that was the third one. And then they were laying around. So I had a fourth one and then yesterday a buddy of mine came by and brought flowers for Nia you know having the baby uh Nate Craig came by and I was like hey you want a cigar that was number five but here's the thing I only have like two cigars left and I'm not buying any more and the reason, how I was able to go for so long is I just didn't have them in the house.

So I'm kind of confident that I can go back. But you know, I woke up, I took the steak out of its heart, man. I fucked up. Fucked up, dude. I brought cigars with me here and I, i'll tell you what i've gotten rid of the thought process of a cigar of wanting a cigar so i haven't had one i haven't had a cigar in probably got probably like four months i'm guessing and so yesterday we're floating the rio grande

and we have beers we're like got these great IPAs. And all of a sudden I go, oh shit, I should have brought a cigar. This is perfect being in the inner tube, smoking a cigar. And my brain, normally my brain was like, if you float in the river, make sure to bring two cigars. You're going to want one at the beginning and then the middle or towards the end. Make sure you have enough beers. Make sure you have more than enough beers, more than enough cigars,

extra lighters. One's's gonna fall in the water and i fucking stars and i was like god damn it i guess i forgot like the addiction part wasn't there yeah no that's it's being free of all your vices is an amazing three days no is it amazing it's an amazing it's just uh i think once you've opened that pandora box it's really hard to uh know what you're missing because i look at my the first 17 years of my life i was basically straight edge yeah you know what i mean just thought i just you know not being a kid so every weekend i wasn't like oh god i mean i need to get a buzz i just had never done it so i was excited to watch the six million dollar man or some shit that was my fucking cigar for the weekend so i was sort of wondering if you can kind of go back to that because I don't watch porn anymore. I don't drink anymore. I had cigars at bay.

But then I worry like then am I going to be like a 600 pound person? Because I feel like those people that get that big is they don't do anything else. So then that thing becomes that. And then if you're a creative overeater you know what i mean like anybody can go out and just eat a gallon of ice cream but the people that came up with sticking the candy bars in there you know and what if i i took two slices of marinara pizza and i used that as like the sandwich for it they just started and start building it's like prog rock song structure but with food or sometimes just in that prog rock it's just you're just doing this just to do it because it's fucking difficult and i feel like

they do the same thing yeah i've been i made a cake for george's birthday and i froze milky way bar milky ways and then i crushed them after they were frozen. And I put them in the middle of the cake, in between two cakes, with icing. And they were fun. That was one of the most amazing cakes I've ever had. Dude, if you made a Milky Way taste good, then that's amazing. You don't like Milky Way? Milky Way is a soulless Snickers bar. There's a couple candy bars out there.

It's just like, how do they survive year after year? Three Musketeer, terrible. I love Three Musketeer. Oh, then you know what it is? There's some sort of like, you're into like nougat. You like- I love nougat. I don't even know what it is.

Nougat. I don't know what nougat is like. That's like the plastic of the chocolate industry. That has to be man-made. Is there a nougat tree? I don't even know what nougat is like. That's like the plastic of the chocolate industry. That has to be man-made. Is there a nougat tree? I don't even know what the fuck that shit is. Oh, I love a Milky Way. I love a Three Musketeers.

I love the progression from Milky Way, or from Three Musketeers to Milky Way to Snickers. I wish they had one just past Snickers. Oh, what would that look like? Oh, it would have to have... I'll tell you what. One of my favorite things in the world is toffee. I love toffee.

Oh, like saltwater toffee? No, no, no, not taffy. Toffee. What's toffee? Like a score bar. You ever had a score? No. You've never had a score bar?

No, but I love the name, especially post me too fucking scored with this one um we need a less male aggressive name for the candy bar what's your top five top five candy bars right off the top he had no particular order uh it's got to be i i put a reese's peanut butter cup in there recently i love reese's peanut butter cups they're the best score bar number one snickers oh scores s-k-o-r that thing looks borderline highfalutin uh butterfingers butterfingers i can only do those in in small ones. Those things, after three bites of those, you're

like Jesus Christ. No, I can do the big, big, big stick. All right, here's my five. Let me hear. Hershey bar with almonds, almond joy. That's like a fucking serial killer Kit Kat Why is that like a serial killer?

I thought you were laughing Because they were just boring mainstream choices Yeah, it's like what the fuck Who likes a Hershey's bar with almonds? What are you talking about? That's like fucking his apple pie and Chevrolet It's just no razzle dazzle. Oh, yeah.

See, I know. I'm like, dude, I also like my sneakers like the Dr. J Converse. I like them like that. I don't like, you're more the Shaq. Remember, his first sneaker was like an eye chart. Like the beginning of the Twilight Zone. I got one more left. Almond Joys are great.

I put Almond Joy on my list. Almond Joy is great. Yeah, Mounds can go fuck themselves. Mounds is a lazy almond bar. No, wait, wait. People have peanut allergies. I'm sorry. I take that back. What'd I say? Hershey bar with almonds, Almond Joy, Kit Kat, Snickers. Snickers. No, I wouldn't go Snickers. Snickers. No, I wouldn't go Snickers. Snickers I actually eat when I'm hungry. And I don't have, and I'm in a jam. Because that, no, no.

Peanut M&M's. And then I go Reese's Peanut Butter Cup. Your peanut's in my chocolate. Your chocolate's in my peanut butter Your chocolate's in my peanut butter. Hey, wait a minute. Yeah, that was the first time. They had an orgy of taste. I told my daughters I remembered when Whatchamacallits came out.

Do you remember? I remember the branding of Whatchamacallit. What you got? Whatchamacallit. Whatchamacallit. No, it's Whatchamacallit. Those commercials, I remember. What about O'Henry?

I talked about this on Opie and Anthony 15 years ago. They marketed the shit out of that candy bar when it came out, and they never did it again. It was like, O'Henry, the bar that's mostly nuts. And they had this candy bar running around acting like it was crazy. I don't remember that. That was late 70s, Bert. I'm a lot older than you. O'H was crazy. I don't remember that. That was late 70s, Bert. I'm a lot older than you.

O'Henry, what's in it? I don't remember. I don't think I've ever had an O'Henry. It had a lot of peanuts in it, evidently. And me and my brothers bought that candy bar because of the commercial. And there was something called a marathon bar because it was just like caramel and I don't know what. And it took you like fucking an hour to eat it. And it looked like, you know those chicks do the things down the side,

not the ponytails, but there's space in between them. Yeah. It looked like a belt of just molasses and sugar and I don't know what. If you met a person and they said, and you were like, hey, I'm going to go to Candy Bar's. What's your favorite candy bar? And they were like, hey, grab me a a fifth avenue you'd be like huh i would say that's a trust fund kid trust fund kid whose parents were uh distant and was actually raised by the the

matriarch of the family fifth avenue candy bar give me favor. When you're done washing my feet, could you go get me one of those Fifth Avenues? Created just after the Depression, I think. Now he jerks off to old people fucking in the porn sites. It's a very slippery slope. That score bar actually looked good. Does that got a crunch in there? Oh, yeah. Oh, score bar.

There's a score bar. And then what's the... Andrew, what's the relative of the score bar. There's a score bar. And then what's the – Andrew, what's the relative of the score bar? It's – You stopped them. The Heath bar? A Heath bar. Yeah.

It actually comes up in the search together. Heath bar I've had. Heath and score. They're different. One's a butter toffee, I think. Heath is a dying name for a boy. English toffee. Yeah. And one is a crisp butter toffee. Yeah. I like them both. Honestly, I always put dude,

I always put crushed. I I'll take, I bought, when we went to Costco, I bought the huge industrial box of score bars and I would take, I bought, when we went to Costco, I bought the huge industrial box of score bars, and I would take a score bar, crack it, and then just throughout the day, just grab little pieces of it. Just. Could you please do that again? And I just.

A little. Are you getting naughty over there, Bert? A little pee for dad. Jesus Christ, Bert. Like, I don't know how you stay in the shape you're in. I'm in horrible shape right now. I'm in great shape running-wise. I don't think you're in bad shape.

I don't think you're in bad shape at all. Your face looks good. Your skin is clear and all that type of stuff. But whenever you talk about what you shop for, my six months of doing this with you, I have never heard of vegetable once. It's always like, dude, you know what I like doing? You know what I like doing? I go out and get these turkey dogs, right?

I get these turkey dogs. Then I go to the candy aisle. A lot of people don't like those fucking candy corns. I love them. You put them in the fucking, it's always just like, like mad scientist diabetes shit. Dude, I have a horrific sweet tooth, especially when I wasn't drinking.

I was, dude, I could light up just, I would just go crazy. I remember taking a score bar, and I put it on top of a granola bar. And then I put it in the oven, and it melted together. And what happened was they both got soft. And then I got too excited the oven and it melted together. And what happened was they both got soft and then I got too excited and I bit into it and the, the heated, the heated toffee got stuck to my teeth and I couldn't get it off. And I was afraid I was going to rip my teeth out. So I had to just sit there.

Do you remember when you were a kid and you'd take a communion wafer and put it on the top of your mouth and then let it slowly dissolve and you kind of work it and let it go away by your tongue. I had to do that with a toffee, with a toffee stuck to my roof. I miss getting communion. I miss going to church. Um, I miss believing. Yeah.

I was a better person when I believed. But I also think I just, I gradually got jaded and religion just fell off with a lot of other shit. Like I went through, dude, I was going through a bunch of old shit. I was showing you this, you know, as I'm cleaning up my office

trying to get rid of all this fucking crap I've gathered throughout the years trying to give shit away. This was my, in 1994, my little date book. And all of these gigs that I had, all of these fucking gigs. Look at this. Nick's Boston, Nick's Boston, the Grill 93, the Kowloon, the High Five in fucking Manchester, New Hampshire.

I worked every fucking day that month. Jesus. That's 96? 94. Giggles, 50 bucks a set. Knicks, 75. Jimbo's, that was in Braintree. Right up the street from the South Shore Plaza.

Dick Doherty hampton yeah these are like all classic this is before i moved comedy connection in providence they'd always fuck you on the money i middled no no you co-hosted the fuck does that mean yeah no college gigs these are just all these are all just spots oh my god ever run where you did a lot of colleges i never i i did but not until uh not until i i've been doing it for those it was a i don't know if it still exists it was this agency called pretty polyolly outside of Massachusetts, and they'd book you, and it was like, you know, it was a couple hundred bucks to do a gig, which was fucking insane.

I mean, I used to unload trucks all week and walk with 260 bucks after taxes, 259-something, I remember that. Dude, I found my report cards really oh my god I found I found this picture of the first my first girlfriend fuck I didn't know I still had it she sang in a band right so there was like a flyer I looked I was like oh my god this is so fucking long ago what's one thing you wish that you could find that you were like i've been looking for this oh my stud finder i'm trying to hang up all these fucking pictures i got i found a stud finder. I found my drill in my charger. I found some headphones.

Nothing exciting, dude. Nothing exciting. Like all the flashy shit I have people know about. The drums, the old truck. Other than that, like I try to keep it simple. And I actually have anxiety about owning too much shit. That's why I'm trying to get rid of a lot of this stuff. We all shop online,

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and his freckled prick. No, this is from the comedy jam when I used to dress up like Vinnie Paul, rest his soul. I have been consistently looking, and whenever I go to my parents' house or like an old storage unit, they have an old storage unit for the the the stars and stripes when i was in russia and on the train the conductor really came in and ripped off his like little stars and stripes and gave them to me

and i've been looking for that every time i'm that's like the one thing i know i have it no one would throw it away it's just a doctor was he carrying a little lantern and hanging off the back of the train i got one thing that i've had since i was a kid and somehow it accidentally got broken when i moved out i have an old patriots football helmet like a fucking badass one you want to see it yeah yeah yeah and the fucking mask is off it so i ordered some clips for it i got this thing in the in the early 70s look at this this this thing oh wow and it's like a rydell it's like a really itell. It's like a really good. I got one of those.

I got a Bucks one like that. Check it out. Everybody had the one bar or the two bar quarterback thing. I had the full lineman fucking mask on it. So what I'm trying to find is I'm trying to go online where I can just buy the clips so I can just reattach it because the mask is totally fine. So if anybody has a website, see up top here where they broke? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

That was always like, I remember when I moved out and I came home, it was broken. I was talking to one of my brothers, like, how the fuck did this break? Oh, it's a football helmet. You look at those helmets

and you totally understand how they got CTE. You know what's funny about this fucking thing too is it never fit my head because my head was always this size. So I got it when I was, I don't know how many years old, like five or six. It still didn't fit.

I couldn't get it. I couldn't get past here. I always wanted. Did you play football growing up? I played literally for a month. And my dad called that CTE shit way, way, way ahead.

And he just didn't like it. And he took me out, which is the greatest thing he could have done because I wasn't fast. I mean, I wasn't going to make the NFL. I was just going to, I'm already dumb. It's probably this kid is already dumb.

He doesn't, he's smashing his brain around, but he, he like, dumb. She's probably thinking, this kid is already dumb. He's smashing his brain around. But I wanted to go out as wide receiver because I was always good at catching shit. But Daryl Stingley had just gotten paralyzed from the neck down on that Jack Tatum hit. Just unfortunate hit. So my parents didn't want me to do that. So they go, what position you want to play? And I just said guard because it sounded tough to me. And then it was just the most unexciting position ever. And that was back like the 70s. We had to like keep your fucking hands like this.

You couldn't even like have your hands away. So yeah, I saw an old picture one time. I was number 25, only for like a month. But I remember instantly football was not fun. Football was my favorite thing ever. And then we went to play football, and like the coach was having us do leg lifts. And if they were coming down, he was kicking in the leg right in front of the parents. So I used to take my thigh pads, and I'd put them on the side. So if he'd kick me, you know, it was just that you, that shit back then of like, uh, you got to abuse a little boy, make them tough.

So it was kind of like, uh, yeah, man, man, I like tackling people and shit. I'm not into like an adult kicking me when I'm on the fucking ground, but I was just like, I guess this is how it is. But my dad was kind of like, uh, yeah, son, you just knocking your brain around. This isn't a play base. So I played baseball instead. Yeah, me too. I remember playing football, and it was back when they thought hydration was bad for you. And they were like, no water, no water. You don't need water. Toughen you up.

And you're in Florida just like, ah. Oh, yeah. Yeah, everything was about making you tougher. They did that. I remember when we played baseball. Actually, no, the guy gave me great advice. He goes, now, when you guys go home, don't drink a ton of water. You're going to get sick.

Have a piece of fruit instead. And I went home, and I just drank a ton of water. And I was like, ah. Rosie was the assistant coach's name. I said to my brother, Rosie was right. Rosie was the assistant coach's name. I said to my brother, Rosie was right. And then I had a couple slices of apple, and I immediately felt better then.

But I loved it, dude. I played outfield. I was always good at catching shit, and I was a decent hitter. I just had no wheels. But you know what was funny was I stayed in shape, though. And right around when I was like 30, I went with a bunch of comedians to Central Park and played just touch football. And the first time in my life I heard somebody go, watch out for Burr. Watch Burr, he's fast. I almost fell down laughing going, do you realize how fucking slow you guys are

and out of shape if you think I'm fucking fast? Because I was slow at the peak of my life, and now I was 30. We went right after I think we had Isla. It was just around that time. All the Comedy Store comics like Ren Azizi and Fred Ernst and everyone, Steve Byrne started going to this softball field over at Pan Pacific Park and playing home run derby. And I played legit baseball. Like I got recruited to go to college to play.

You could play. That's amazing. Yeah. They're like, so you want to do it? And I was like, well, yeah, we're playing. They go, Oh, this softball field. And I was like, and we were just trying to hit home runs. They're like, yeah,'re playing they go this softball field and i was like and we're just trying to hit home runs they're like yeah i swear to god i swear to god on my children's lives i got up there the first time and every ball they hit they threw to me i hit out of the park and they were just like wait what the fuck and i was like yeah i played baseball growing up and they're like this is like i remember it's so funny too because brett earns he swing, and as he'd hit, he'd go, get the fuck out of here. Come on.

Sebastian Maniscalco made me laugh so hard because he is who he is, right? The guy he is on stage is who he is all the time. He had matching batting gloves, matching knee pads. I picture him coming out looking like Jack Clark. Remember that guy on St. Louis? Same kind of hair. Yeah. Just, like, perfectly manicured, a headband. They got, hey, the black glove with black shoes, the black hair. It was hilarious.

That's how I met all those guys. I didn't know any of those guys. Steve Byrne said, Hey, man, you should make more friends. And he was like, Why don't you come over? We're gonna do Home Run Derby. And I any of those guys. Steve Byrne said, hey, man, you should make more friends. And he was like, why don't you come over? We're going to do home run derby. And I met all those guys, Mike Young, Butch Bradley.

God, that was fun as shit. Yeah, I remember going back to all the Little League and Major League fields in my hometown a couple times. And just how small – remember how far the fence used to look and then you get up there. You just like oh my god am I that old I would like to take I would like to take some batting practice with a professional baseball team you should do it I was actually uh because my daughter's been playing and she hits lefty so I just been hitting lefty just to do it yeah and. And I was thinking of going to, like, a batting range when this shit is all over.

I mean, maybe you can do it. You can go to a batting cage now. Oh, you can? Yeah, yeah. How old do the kids have to be before you can bring them there? Probably older than your daughter, I would say. Yeah, because that thing can come in pretty damn fast i just like i don't feel like i tell you this story did i tell you this story about the one time i saw my

dad lose his shit we went to a batting cage and and it was at malibu golfing game and i got in there and the batting machine fucking just hit me and i was like ah and my dad goes to these kids he's like hey the batting machine's broken so they go okay so they go behind it and they peek their head through like the mesh thing and they're like try it now so i get in and it hits me again and i was like and he's like no it's still not working and they're you can see they're laughing a little bit they're like try it now so i get in and it hits me again now they're laughing a little bit. And they're like, try it now. So I get in, and it hits me again. Now they're pissing themselves. And my dad's like, hey, it's still not fucking working. And they go, one more time.

I get in. I get hit again. And they are crying laughing. And my dad loses his shit. Throws all the tokens, grabs my bat, and starts running the bat down the chain link fence. You motherfuckers i'll fucking kill you and they're crying laughing and i remember leaving with my dad and my dad was like

you can't do that to my son you can't hurt my son no one hurts my son i was like oh shit so what ended up did he get to the kids or no no we left we walked away we left he didn't get his money back or anything we walked away my dad's probably afraid of what he was gonna do to those kids like let's get the fuck out of here before i swing the bat at him god yeah he we we walked and i remember they were as you left the batting cages you had to walk past the bumper boats and they were on the other side of the bumper boats than we were and my dad still had the bat in hand and was yelling at these kids like fucking. But my dad's all about like no confrontation.

Like he doesn't like do not say anything. Don't call anybody. Don't send an email. Like when all this stuff goes down, you know, like online and everyone's like, Bert, what's your take on this? I hear my dad in my head going, hey, don't say a word. Just listen. Let the chips fall.

Don't be the first guy to reply. Don't be the first guy to be like posting stuff online. Like that's my dad. It's like very measured, you know? Yeah. It's a smart way to be. Dude, bumper cars reminded me. I got the shit kicked out of me at this carnival one time.

It's at this place, Rocky Point. I think it was in Rhode Island. So I was an altar boy, and they used to take us down for the altar boy retreat where you get to go on all the rides for free for being an altar boy for the year. No, I was not touched. So we go down there,

we're going on all the rides for free. We were having a great time. And me and my other altar boy buddy, we were, we were on this ride that took you over the, over the park, you know, the little swing. So he takes you out and then it brings you back. So, you know, I was having a good time. So we were rolling up and there was some kids were coming down this way.

It was, we passed him. One of them laughed like, Oh, and I went like that. And I went, oh, ho, ho, like that, right? And he turns around and he goes, I'm fucking waiting for you. And I was like, oh, shit, right? My buddy didn't know how to fight. And then we start coming around. And as I'm going back down, I see him on the ground pacing back and forth like a fucking lion.

And he's got like five kids with him. It was one of those deals. i got off and they circled around me and they all started pushing me and every time i would gain my balance they'd push me again and then i just got stomped into the ground my buddy sat there and watched it and uh i remember i was just all i was all fucked my elbow was all skinned my hair was all fucked up. My elbow was all skinned. My hair was all fucked up. And I went over. And then I made the dumb move of being like, you're pretty tough with all your friends, right, is what I said. It would have been over, but I had to say that.

I had to save some face. So I walked over to the bumper car. It's the worst car ride ever to get on to try to get your shit together. And I remember I was standing in line and then the kid who I yelled at, who had a dead tooth already at his age, and he outweighed me by, he was like a little trucker. It's what the fuck. You know when somebody's sitting down, you can't tell how big they were. He was way out of my weight class. And I was in the line and I just feel this kid push me from behind.

I turn around. That dead tooth kid was like right in my grill. He goes, my friends aren't here now. Now what's up? And I'm like, nothing. And then I got on the bumper cars trying to get my shit together. Everybody's slamming into me. And after that ride, I just went back to the bus, the big long yellow bus.

I just stayed on there eating my lunch that my mother packed me and at this point it was like a tuna sandwich so it had to be at least 80 degrees and I was just sitting there like I just want this day to be over uh I got a lot of those Bert there's not a lot and then Bill won the fight when I was a lot of those, Bert. There's not a lot. And then Bill won the fight when I was a kid. There was a lot of losing. Took a lot of losses. I had a lot of me saying something and then some coming in just kicking my ass or nutting me up in front of everybody.

Oh, yeah. I had plenty nutting up and then I had a couple of nice – yeah, I took a nice one at Rocky Point. I took a nice one. You know what's funny? There was adults around. It was weird. It was sort of the middle of the week, so it was sort of –

there wasn't a lot of people there. But there was enough people there to step in, and then people did not. There was no stepping in. Oh. Oh. Yeah. not there was no stepping in oh oh man i'd rather be the guy that had that lost the fights than like i i remember the guys that won the fights their lives like the dude the big badass dudes in high school their lives have never turned out well like it doesn't there's no connective tissue with being able to beat everyone up and then just succeeding in life

i feel like all those guys that beat the shit out of everyone are just kind of like losers now that i knew that's not the case where i'm from my grade is like wildly successful like when i went back for a reunion like my 25th reunion And then I also met a bunch of them on the road. Every one of them has a job. It seems equally, if not more interesting. I thought I was going to be like, you know, I had a buddy of mine going like, oh yeah, I heard about you when I was in the U.S. embassy in Rome. And he was like working for like, I don't know, like the FBI. I don't know what he was working. It was, and I was just listening to his stories like, gee, I just tell jokes. They all, yeah, a lot of people own their own business, businesses. And a lot of them, too, you know, were knuckleheads when I was a kid.

Knuckleheads not being they were dumb, but they definitely, they had their fun. So, I don't know. The last guy that kicked my ass, I follow him on Instagram. Why do you follow him on Instagram? I don't know. I follow a couple people I hate on Instagram. You know, I have a couple of guilty pleasures that I check in with. Oh, yeah.

But I don't root against them. But there's definitely, you know, like when there's the show within the show on somebody's, there's what they're presenting and everybody's buying, and then you're laughing at the subtext of all of it. Yeah, I got a couple of those. Oh, dude, I, yeah, I find it fucking comical. There's a bunch of people I follow.

And then there's people I don't follow, but I go to their profile once a week and check out what bullshit they've said. It's just like, oh. Well, that's mine. I don't follow them either, but I check in like once every six months. Yeah. When I'm on the road. And this is what my shit goes when I go late night on eBay. It's like, not on eBay, on the road and this is what my, my shit goes when I go late night on, on eBay,

it's like not on eBay, on the internet. I end it. I always end up at eBay, but I start off with like, um, I watch old sports, you know, I've been watching a bunch of old NFL stuff, which then reminds me of shit. When I was a kid. I start trying to find old commercials from when I was a kid and then old toys. And then I go on eBay just to see if anybody has them and what they're going for, like bikes that I wanted when I was a kid or shirts or old Patriots gear. I found all of that shit like late night.

Then every once in a while, I think about people I went to high school with. I check up on them on Facebook. You know, they're all doing, seem to be all doing great, which is cool. And then I start, if I get really like lonely on the road, I start Google earthing old houses I lived in and seeing what the trees, I used to climb what they look like. Oh, dude, I go down.

I go down a fucking, I don't know what uh what a rabbit hole what um what you don't seem like someone that gets caught up in online drama like you just seem like you stay out of it totally yeah and i've had plenty of people say shit that was worthy because you're not it's not you can't win any of there's no winning any of it it's it's if you respond then then then you're you're the fucking asshole and then also like so much of it a lot of it has also really helped my uh conspiracy theory because like some of the conspiracy theory that people have come up with with me and the way i am now versus the way I was and how they tie my wife into it and shit and I just sit there going like wow man but you look

at how they put it together and it does make sense as far as it is a goes from here to here to here to here it's just none of it is factual but it all looks like it makes sense so yeah i just i stay out of all of that and like i said i avoid um you know i go hell i invite but people who are really like on social media like going like you know the toucan is endangered and every time you put on a fucking multi-colored t-shirt, you're part of the problem. Whatever the fuck that, I just stay,

I just give them a wide berth. Yeah. I got, I got, uh, last night I got a call from someone saying, Hey man, did you behave inappropriately with a comic,

a girl comic? And I was like, I took this girl. I won't say her name just out of respect for her, but there's a hilarious girl I worked with for probably three years on the road. Took her with me everywhere. She's awesome. Yeah. And, uh, and I guess she put out a tweet saying, there's really great male comedians out there. And she named just three male comedians and didn't name me. That's all she did was didn't

name me. And everyone goes, Oh, there said there must be something. He must've done something to her. And you're like, Jesus Christ, man. Like, and then I looked at her and she's like, I don't know what the fuck I did. I was just trying to say something nice. And I was like, I just like, listen, I'm cool. You're cool. That's all that matters. Let everyone spin out of control. Like, I've never, you know. I mean, yeah.

That's kind of how it works. It works with a nugget of information and then a ton of assumption. My favorite thing with those cases is the people who don't know either person involved and then they act like they're concerned for the alleged victim while they turn the spotlight of the whole story onto themselves. Those ones that go like, you know, and I'm surprised why, or this didn't surprise me at all. Or like, this is me hearing that so-and-so did X, Y, and then it's just like, oh, is this about you? Are you really doing dude? I called it with the sexual assault case. And then also, if you knew this shit, why didn't you fucking say something? You're waiting for the

rest of us to catch up. The fuck are you talking talking about that's like the sports fan that i hated like why did they run it i would have fucking after it fucks up have you ever dated a female comic i hung out you know wait maybe like yeah way back in the day i mean dude you're going back like 20 something years yeah 20 something years so I mean nothing real dude I was a really fucking walled off dude I was I was spaghetti western guy back then like I would go on the road and do a run of college dates and I wouldn't talk to anybody all day long other than ordering food. And then the next thing after I ordered my Grand Slam breakfast,

the next thing I would say is, hey, I'm Bill Burr, I'm the comic for tonight. That would be it. And I just, dude, I'm weird. I used to go to like, I went to all the baseball stadiums. I went to all the football stadiums. I went to games by myself during the day.

That's how I would kill a day. And whatever the fuck happened to me as a kid made me want to be by myself because then no one could fuck with me. So I was, as an adult, I still had that little kid mindset. So yeah, no. So I could have had a lot more fun. I did not. I fucking, just fucking. My idea of fun was going to the Kingdome and sitting out in center field behind Ken Griffey Jr. and running to get one of the home runs, trying to get it and thinking like, I've seen this on This Week in Baseball

so many fucking times. Like that and going up into the Space Needle by myself. Yeah. I went to the Mall of America and rolled the roller coaster all by myself. I did a lot of shit by myself. So, yeah.

I think for whatever reason, my first sexual experience was so bad that it made me terrified to do it with other people like I just I was always embarrassed because I was like I'm just not good at it and for whatever reason that is

I guess you know that's the thing that kind of kept me away from ever dating comics so I was like I don't want to do that to someone with a sharp wit and then have them eviscerate me. Oh yeah. Then they're going to do a bit.

Or if you just went out with them, anytime they're talking about an asshole guy, they're like, Oh, is she talking about you? I don't think so. I don't know. I don't know.

But, uh, you know, yeah it's a weird time Bert weird time Bill fucking weird weird fucking time it's yes I gotta go I want to see I want to go Google map my old houses now. Oh, yeah. No, I did that with like a bunch of them. I in some weird way would almost buy a childhood home if I could. You know what I would like to do? If it goes on the market, I would like to look at it.

Just go in. And I don't know why and I have that weird sentimental sort of something my buddy Eddie one time we were driving through Hollywood and we were in the hills and he said I bet they have a beautiful view and I was like I bet they do and he goes bet he goes bet me a $100 I can't get in their house. And I was like, excuse me? He goes, bet me $100 I can't get in their house. And I was like, I'll bet you $100 you can't get in their house. He pulls over, knocks on the door. Lady comes to the door, and he goes, hey, I grew up here,

and I just wanted to see my old room. Is that okay? She goes, yeah, that's totally fine. And then he just looks at me he goes oh we're good and we walked away and he goes i could have gotten in that fucking house i went holy and you could have said and i could have given you a hundred bucks but you didn't i didn't pay him i didn't pay him that guy was so good at that shit he would go into subway and go is bill here and they go, I don't know Bill.

And they're like, oh, Bill's the sub-regional manager. I'm here. I'm supposed, look, I'm going to tell you right now, I'm here to order a sandwich. Bill's going to watch me eat it. I'm going to talk through how you make sandwiches. I'm going to, I'm going to just give you a great review. Make me your best sandwich and do your best job, put it together. And then I'll, I'll just eat it and i'll tell bill it was great and they're like okay and so they make a sandwich he was obviously i'm not gonna pay for it and they're like oh yeah no of course oh yeah and he would eat the sandwich you go you did it great i'm gonna tell bill it was amazing it was like he was so good they would fall for that

i he must have been a little smoother than obviously I'm not going to pay for it. Because even as gullible as I am, I'd be like, wait a minute. So smooth. That guy, that guy was, is, still is. I'm going to see him in July 3rd. He is one of the most interesting, bizarre, creative. Like, I mean, I'm sure now, you know, people look at that and go, that's horrible behavior. But in college, it was fucking fascinating to watch. Yeah.

I was always amazed at people like that that had the balls. Because I think, you know, going on stage and just people are expecting you. It's part of the show to do that. Like, I got friends of mine, they do shit off stage i wouldn't do on stage and they somehow are able to get away with it not get the shit kicked out because that's my thing is always like i'm gonna get the shit kicked out of me yeah it's gonna be rocky point all over again i don't i yeah i don't i don't want to be underneath four kids again, trying to guess the brand of their sneakers. That feels like a pro kid.

Are you freezing up on me? Are you looking at your house? I saw it. No, no, no. My internet connection is unstable. I don't know. I don't know what happened. You look fine now.

Can you see me? Yeah me yeah yeah it's fine yeah I can't imagine getting beat up now oh I can imagine it I can imagine me taking a like this with this fucked up shoulder whatever skill set I have at 52, it would not be good. That's why when you get older, you get a gun.

You're too old. My fucking shit. I can't throw punches anymore. I got a bad hip. Just get the fuck out of here. I'll shoot you in your leg. That's why I don't talk shit to people driving. You never know.

Someone might know how to fight and want to fight. Let me tell you about these fucking kids today man okay these fucking kids the level of information out there just like if they just tried half the shit you can watch these videos these fucking whoever thought to take your forearm and fucking hit somebody in the throat with it they get you in a headlock and you put your hand over so they can't breathe just a little shit like that fuck all of that and then you got these kids that take on the mma shit they know how to choke you out fuck that fuck that i i've not seen one punch that hasn't ended with the guy hitting his head on the fucking ground every fucking punch i've seen and i I'm like, God damn it, man. I bet there are people

who throw their first punch not realizing, oh, I could just kill a human being. I know, but you know what's even worse is when you fall frontwards because then you could like, it seems like those are the people

that break their necks. God damn it. Yeah, I mean, I think, I remember I tried to write a joke about, I don't think you should hit a woman, but I also don't think you should hit a man because I don't definitely want to be hit.

Like a fucking being attacked is being attacked. Yeah. And women come with all four limbs. It's just wild. They just coming at you like fucking my wife wife's come at me a couple times. The way she comes at me is the way if I fell off a fucking building. Like when you're coming down, like she fucking comes at you like that. Just all four limbs, everything.

I got this shit kicked out of me by a woman at a Hank Williams Jr. concert when I was in high school. at a Hank Williams Jr. concert when I was in high school. My friends fought her friends, and she fought me, and I didn't want to hit her, and she just beat the shit out of me in stands at the Sundome Arena in Tampa. And I, like, tripped up and fell, and she was just on top of me just wailing,

and I'm just like this going, someone get her the fuck off me. Yeah, that just reminded me. I got beat up by a girl when I was in third grade. I was playing with this girl, and we had the kickball, and she was running with it, and I went to rip it out of her hands.

And the way I did it, when I took it, she hit my shoulder. We hit shoulders, which sent her veering into the side of the school, which are all made out of brick. So she hit her head, and then her sister, big girl side of the school, which are all made out of brick. So she hit her head and then her sister, big girl, fifth grader came over.

And as I was trying to explain that it was an accident, just, you know, it started hailing. And I just, fuck, I covered up. She kicked the shit out of me. And then right after she kicked the shit out of me, recess ended. So I'm standing in line. I'm trying to get my shit, I'm trying to straighten out my shirt. And I am this close to crying, but I can't cry because it was a girl. So I'm doing this. And then this girl that I liked came up to me,

it was like, she shouldn't have done that to you. And then I was like I just started fucking crying it was awful I haven't thought about that in like fucking 30 years I miss crying after a fight did you cry when your son was born you know what I did get a I didn't get like I was holding it back let's just see I cried the anticipation and then when your kid is born there's that fear is he okay is he okay count toes count fingers everything all of that shit and then um

then I just I just I'm stunned I always just kind of I'm stunned afterwards like I can't believe this but then uh what was it probably like a day later the next day I think um you know I got him all wrapped up and he does one of those cute baby yawns then I was kind of like I got some in my eye. You know? Yeah, it's awesome. I did. I cried. When Georgia was born, we took her.

We left Leanne, and then we took her to go get her bathed and get all the little shots and done and, you know, check her out. And the nurse left me in the room with her and went out to get something and I went down and I started telling her who I was all get emotional just thinking about it telling her who I was and that I was going to be there with her for the rest of her life and just wanted to introduce myself and and I started I was bawling bawling crying telling her about you know listen you know you all these, all these good things are going to happen to you. And I'm going to be a great dad. And I'm sobbing, crying. And I look up and the nurse has been in the room for like half of me just talking to this kid.

I just stand there looking at me. She goes, you done? I said, I am. And she goes, okay, let's get her washed. And then they see that all that, you know, you know. And she goes, okay, let's get her washed. That's good. They see that all the time. You know, they like seeing that. Yeah. I cried so hard when Georgia was born that the doctors started crying, the nurses started crying, and the anesthesiologists started crying. Everyone started crying. Well, Jesus, Bert, we got to get you in a drama.

Dude, I do. You can move people's emotions. I watch, let me tell you something bill don't watch the time traveler's wife because at the end of the movie it it it is it for me was the story of being a stand-up comedian always being on the road coming home on week on weekdays i saw the end of time traveler's wife i was in a hotel room naked on the corner of a bed just out of the shower and i start watching it now i'm all of a sudden sobbing fucking crying going like that's me well what is it like uh cats in the cradle like the person's not around no it's it's this guy the time traveler is eric bannon and in order to this is why it connected with me so much. In order not to

time travel, he drinks. So that keeps him in the same place. So he drinks a lot. But when he does time travel. That's like the greatest situation ever. Yeah. When I'm sober, I get to travel to different times. If I get shit face, I'll hang with you guys. The second I'm sick of you guys, I'm going to quit drinking. I'm going to go on the wagon. You can all go fuck yourself. I love that. I love that premise. It's great.

And then, and he, I mean, I'm sure it's a very problematic script now, but he meets his girlfriend. He meets his wife when she's a little girl. Like he time travels back to when she was a little girl. And I guess,

you know, I don't know. It could be very problematic now, but, but the end of the, he ended up, he ends up dying, but there is a point where his fam,

he has died in real life. That sounds a fucking amazing. So if he doesn't drink, he can time travel. Right. But if he gets hammered, he stays there so he can continue to drink and fuck up. But then when he gets sober,

he can go back in time and apologize for what he just did. Yeah. And then come back and continue to drink. And then, and then he, when he wakes, when he time travels, he wakes up naked.

So he's got to find clothes and, and get dressed. But at the end of the movie, this was beautiful. Where does the time machine drop them off? Usually, uh, there's a couple of places that always drops them off.

One of the places that drops them off is the woods by his wife's childhood house. So that's how he met his wife was, she was a little girl and he time traveled and he was naked in the woods and he met this little girl and they talked and then he ends up... He was naked in the woods and he meets a little girl.

It's a very problematic script now that I talk about it. But like... And so then at the end of the movie, he's dead. He's died. However... Dude, that just reminded me.

I hate... I always interrupt i just i'm not even saying the movie because i don't want to get people in trouble yeah i just watched the movie that everybody fucking loved and you know got really like great reviews and everything and there is a scene in there where this kid starts kissing on this chick who is fucking not at all of her functions. And I was just kind of looking at my mother-in-law going, you couldn't have that in a movie today. Wait, what movie? The tone of this movie.

What movie is it? I'm not going to say. Just say it, and Andrew, bleep it out. Are you going to bleep it out? You're definitely going to bleep it out? Yeah, I'm going to remember. I'm going to remember. I'll bleep it out.

Put your hand over your mouth, Bill. All right. It's, uh... Oh! Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. And I was just like, wow. Because now people get, like... And that thing was totally in the public eye and got all kinds of, like, awards and everybody was loving it and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

And now retroactively, people are like, what kind of omissions? It's like, you were alive when this came out, and you didn't say shit. Shut the fuck up. Dude, we watched Ace Ventura with the girls, and they're like, at the very beginning, they're like, I'm howling laughing, and they're like, is it funny because he's special needs?

And we're like, what? They're like, is he, like, a special needs kid? We're like, what? They're like, is he like a special needs kid? We're like, no. He's just like crazy. And they're like, oh, okay. And then it gets to the end where you find out that they've all hooked up with the cop who has a dick, who is a chick. Einhorn. Lieutenant Einhorn.

Einhorn is Finkel. Finkel is Einhorn. Yeah. And they found out they've all hooked up with a dude. And it's just that he's got a dick. They show the dick and everyone starts throwing up. They're like, you could not do that today. You could not.

First of all, you're dead naming him by calling him Finkel. Right? You could not go, oh, disgusting. You've got to, I mean, Dan Marino's throwing up is fucking hilarious. My daughters are like, this is- It was a different time, Bert. Oh, my God. It was a different time.

Oh. It's like, we watched, for George's birthday, we watched Pretty in Pink. So, I know, what's this, 16 Candles? So, we watched Pretty in Pink. So, I know, what's the 16 Candles? So, we had 16 Candles. So, we did a socially distanced movie night in the backyard, put up a screen in the backyard. All the kids are watching it. And all of a sudden, the guy's girlfriend gets drunk,

and he gives her to the nerds, and he says, have fun with her. And drunk Michael Anthony Hall have fun with her and drunk michael anthony hall has sex with her and she passed out and they wake up and she didn't they're like did we fuck and she's like i think so and he's like oh was i good and she's like i guess like it totally rapes her he completely rapes her like not even a question nobody but if he's he was also fucked up and if neither one of them remembers how does that work and i'm just asking yeah it's i'll tell you what it's problematic because i had that we had to hit pause and say to the girls this is not appropriate like if a boy gets you drunk and then gives you to his friends and then his friends have

sex with you like that's not cool i want to say that they knew that already you get hammered and then your boyfriend gives you to his friends right there that should be it's in this movie it's a plot it's like a subplot where you're like oh yeah boys will be boys you're like that's not fucking cool i think it worked back then because she looked like she was like 26 and anthony michael hall looked like he was like 12 such a great line when he wakes up in the back of jake's car with the girl and he's got his headgear on and she wakes him up he goes i got my headgear on mom that guy's fucking hilarious anthony michael hall weird that guy guy's comedy timing is perfect.

Perfect. In Weird Science, when he's doing the black guy character, chicks can't hold the smoke. Yeah, that's what it is. That's what it is. But he's talking to all the black guys, and he's like, and he's. No, that line is actually from. Oh, you're right that's from

breakfast club breakfast club yeah so when he's holding court with all the black guys in the jazz club and they're all talking and he's just and he's just talking like a black guy it is fucking amazing it's hilarious he crushed every movie every single movie he was in. I miss that. He did like a cop drama or something like that a few years ago. I wonder why he didn't translate to adult stardom the way he was when he was a kid, because he was amazing. No, he did a whole series. It's just how this fucking business is. You know what it is?

It's every group of young people has to have people that, you know, they have to have their comedians. They got to have their rock stars, their bands, and their fucking, and their movie stars. They're just young people are going to connect with young people of their generation. So I think he more just transitioned into something else. Then you got older, I got older, you get married, you have kids.

into something else then you got older i got older you get married you have kids and then there's new um like what's that what's that korean boy band that everybody's flipping out about what is it k-pop is that what it is yeah see like that i mean i don't have no idea what that is and they are connecting is the genre k-pop is korean pop the band is, it's a couple letters, it's like BTS. Yeah, those guys are like fucking. BSK. BTS is behind the scenes. Right.

I'm just giving you examples. So there you go. So those, you know, young people like them now. That's what happens. That's awesome. That's awesome.

Well, why don't you go spend your Father's Day with your family, Bill? What happened? Did I piss you off bringing up Korean pop? No, no, no. All of why don't you go spend your Father's Day with your family, Bill? What happened? Did I piss you off bringing up your name? No, no, no, no. All of a sudden, you just fucking just...

Well, that's awesome. That's great. Evidently, you know things about Anthony Michael Hall. Yeah, Bill, go enjoy your day. It was very hostile. I don't want to work out today. Well, what are you going to do? Elliptical? I don't want to work out today well what are you gonna do elliptical i don't know i'm nervous to go into the hotel gym because there's no like people just don't socially distance don't do that yeah so the last place you want to be is in a hotel gym in the lone star state yeah so i'm

gonna go for a run you just go start kissing people in Arizona while you're at it those fucking lunatics looking subway poles gotta get those antibodies alright let's do the read here and then we'll wrap it up happy Father's Day to everybody out there and congratulations to all the brave comics on the road like Bert Kreischer bringing the laughs

going down the Rio Grande, trying not to drown his openers. All right, everybody. That's the podcast. Thank you again. Happy Father's Day to everybody out there. And thank you again for listening to the Bill.

Bert. Pod. Cast. All right. We'll see you next week. Have a great Father's Day, Bill. You too.

Thank you, buddy. I'll see you.