The Bill Bert Podcast - The Bill Bert Podcast | Episode 2

Episode Date: January 15, 2020

Bill Burr and Bert Kreisher prattle about their favorite states, self improvement, and 'that's what she said'.

Hey, what's going on? How are you? Welcome to the second edition of the Bill Bird Podcast. How are you? We hit it out of the park that time. We did. We crushed it. Like an old school rap team.

Look at these giant fucking stupid. This is the biggest, dumbest cigar I could find. Why has mine got the Tootsie Roll wrap on it? Is it called Assault? I don't know. Look at that thing. The size of it feels like a salt. This feels...

It's like a deli pickle. That's interesting you chose deli pickle. Why? Because that's not what I'm thinking. What are you thinking? It's kind of like a dick. Well, doesn't that what they say? I told you that time that fucking...

That dude who was dressed like a woman walked by. I don't know what you're supposed to call him, so I'll just describe it. He looked like Eleanor Roosevelt. And I was smoking a cigar in the park. And he goes, hey, genius, your dildo's on fire. He just kept walking. I didn't even know what he meant. Genius, your fucking dildo's on fire.

Dude, this thing got so fucking hot just trying to light this. I need something else. You got like a Butang take? Or a campfire? This is the biggest fucking cigar. It's part of the whole thing, man. It's supposed to be ridiculous. I like the last one we had was like this long.

Yeah, so now we went with more of a chode Wait why does yours have a different Yours has like a This is the anniversary one Did you take your whole thing off? Did I take what off? No this is like a fucking weird rap No mine didn't have that

That is a weird rap I don't know Have you been smoking a lot of cigars lately? Too many. Dude, when I was not drinking in October. Next year, I'm done, though. Wait, you're done cigars in 2020? Except when we do this.

I've already emptied my humidor. I've got nothing left. Oh, I have so many. When I was doing Sober October, I had a cigar every night after the show. I'd just sit out by the tour bus, have a cigar, and it was like my one go-to when I wasn't drinking. I had a cigar every night after the show. I'd just sit out by the tour bus, have a cigar, and it was like my one go-to when I wasn't drinking. You smoked all those cigars, and you never fucking called me?

No, I was on the road. I was on the road all of October. Jesus Christ. It's like you're lighting a Dura Flame. Is it a job? Jesus Christ. Looks like you're lighting a Dura Flame. Is it a job? Jesus Christ. All right. Ow.

You know what's funny about these? They're like 15 bucks. My mouth is so wide open on it. I know, it's fucking ridiculous. I've never sucked on something with my mouth that wide. What's that? Yeah, I need some matches here. If I was doing this,

what I would have done is I would have made more of a torpedo end to it. Yeah, this is, my mouth is so wide. I'm like, ah, I'm gagging. I feel like someone should hold the back of my head while I like this. I'm trying to keep it going.

This is going to be the whole podcast. You got it going. Look at that man from Tampa. I'm still a rookie here. Wow. Yeah. This is a lot of tobacco. That's like standing behind a bus.

There you go. Now you got it. You're good. Hey, genius. Your dildo's on fire. This fake snow is a little slippery. There we go. Here, cheers.

Cheers. Hey, can I ask you a question I wanted to ask you? There we go. Here, cheers. Cheers. Hey, when you... Can I ask you a question I wanted to ask you? Mm-hmm. When you... After you shot your special, Paper Tiger, did you feel, like, depressed for a week or two after? No.

Really? My favorite thing, other than the fact that I have to now look at the special, my favorite thing is right after the special's been shot. I love that. And all that material is gone. How many shows did you shoot? Two. We did one show Monday and then one show Tuesday.

Oh, nice. That was it. I rather would have gone bang, bang. Yeah, yeah, one night. I was a little nervous about that, but it worked out all right. I did four. I did two shows Saturday, two shows Sunday. And I'm so glad I did four.

I never did four. Yeah, I did four shows Saturday, two shows Sunday. And I'm so glad I did four. I never... You did four? Yeah, I did four, yeah. First show was just very mediocre, very tame, very like, he's shooting a special, let's not be too loud. And you were like, that's not what I'm looking for. Oh, so it wasn't you, you felt it was the crowd. Oh, it was 100% the crowd.

He's always blaming the crowd. Yeah. Try to tell this kid, at some point you've got to take responsibility. So do you like the editing process of it? He's always blaming the crowd. Try to tell this kid. At some point, you've got to take responsibility. So do you like the editing process of it? I did on this one because Binder did such a great job, the way it looked, that it just looked so good. And it was kind of what I had been trying to do for such a long time,

that I did like the way it looked. But as far as, I literally just shut my eyes. Really? When saying as far as looking at myself yeah yeah it's not it's not good you don't get in this business because you like yourself so you would not want to want to look at yourself at least I got a shirt on though dude you got you got it even worse I can I tell you I really like you know I don't know about you but I've never ever thought i was fat ever like uh i didn't find out i was fat until sagura told me i was fat and so i never i feel like i look skinny as shit at times and i'm still fat like i don't think it this is fat this is fucking stupid big what gauge is this a hundred this is the biggest ring gauge you can get i think it has to be there's nothing i had to even cut it down at the fucking store with With what? A machete?

Like you cut some coconut? Just sucka, sucka, sucka. So wait, I'm dying to know, I'm dying to pick your brain about post-specials shit. Because you're, even like when they're writing all the new stuff, you're not a pen and paper guy at all.

No. But don't you go then like... I'm not smart. That's the thing about all this. I'm not a smart like... I'm not smart. That's the thing about all this. I'm not a smart guy. I'm an idiot. And there's a lot of idiots and they relate to me. They're like, oh yeah, I've done dumb shit like that.

I mean, I've tried to write. My hand gets tired. I can't do it. It literally gets tired. So how long did you give yourself off from having said that i don't know what i don't know what the backlash on cursive is i love cursive oh i never learned how to write it i can write my name in cursive a little bit but i never like learned no you know because you guys lost the fucking war the penmanship and the books they never made it down there

that's why it's the Bible Belt down there. You guys are all the witches and shit. There is a certain part of the South that I feel like is underrepresented. It's almost like all the bad things, like almost like the Civil War statues, but that happened in life that no one talks about, you know? I love the South. I love the South. Actually, there's very few parts

of this country that I don't love. What's your favorite state? All right, well, what are we going for here? Beauty, off the grid, not a lot of people. There's a lot of reasons to love a state.

I've been to every state, and I can tell you... Bragging. Travel channel. Oh, Mr. fucking TV star over here. Somebody else paid for it. La Quinta Inns, the Ho-A. Hawaii is my favorite place in the world,

but Ohio is my favorite state. All right. I'll say cities. I like my two favorite underrated cities. Chattanooga, Tennessee. Ooh. And Milwaukee, Wisconsin. Milwaukee.

Milwaukee, Wisconsin is Chicago without all the people. Really? It's got all the food. It's got the Miller fucking High Life breweries there. The best brats, the best, the food. It's just fucking awesome. Really? Right on that, right on the lake.

Beautiful lake. Everybody's trying to be down there on michigan avenue with all those kardashian fucking stores yeah you go right up the street right up the fucking street no traffic i love great time i love wisconsin the summers in wisconsin like they all have like lake houses and they go up every last one of them everybody has a lake house up there every single person lives on a lake i'm just trying to exaggerate if what would you what if you had to if you got exiled where kenosha kenosha is just south of uh mich uh not lake michigan south of wisconsin milwaukee fuck this thing's already getting to me. And yeah, so you could shoot down to Chicago if you want to. There's no shooting down anymore.

There's always traffic, these fucking Uber drivers out there. That's all it is. It's a bunch of Uber drivers driving around, waiting to fucking pick somebody up. And people go like, oh, well, if you just drove yourself, then you'd be the guy out there. It's like, yeah, but I don't have a guy out there just circling, like in a holding pattern in a car

waiting for me to go get some fucking Lysol. Do you Uber a lot? No. I Uber all the fucking time. I Uber so much I get the same Uber driver who lives in a building near my house and I just hit it and he goes, hey, it's Glenn. I'll be there in five.

And I go, hey, Glenn. I mean, I know him so well. That's why I don't like Ubers. They fucking start talking to you and shit. Oh, I talk in five. And I go, hey, Glenn. I mean, I know him so well. That's why I don't like Uber is they fucking start talking to you and shit. Oh, I talk to them. you can have the option to say, don't talk to me.

And then it's just like, oh, what? So then I become, I get the cunt rating? Do you think people really go preference do not speak to me? No, they have that.

Oh, I would never hit that. I would not. I don't hit it either. Then what I do is I just try to be real boring. Hey, how was your night? It was great. What do you do for a living? Abortion doctor. A lot of people don't know there's still a library, a 24-hour library up and over, and it usually ends it. Sorry to get the hang of this fucking cigar. I'm starting to get it too. I've got a little bit of a head buzz from it.

I already do too. This might go a little sideways, people. That last cigar, I got sick afterwards. It was so much tobacco. Oh, that was, yeah. It was a month's worth. You were fully committing though. You're like...

I'm going in my mouth. I had an Uber driver one one time i told him i was driving the interstate i said i said hey did you know it's it's convenience store and not convenience store and he goes yeah that's crazy when you learn stuff like that he goes did you know they're called edibles and i go yeah what did you think they were called he goes eatables i think there's a little different i love eatables i'm gonna keep i'm gonna start saying that his whole life you want to go have an eatable he's like yeah because you can eat them and they're eatable all right i've told this story a zillion times but it fits one time uh i was in uh rome right one day with my wife and we went to the vatican to go take the tour of the sistine chapel yeah so there's a way to i don't know we went through

the whole fucking thing and we're just sitting there we come in and we're looking at it whatever and we're standing in line it took for fucking ever so i say to my wife i was going you know if i lived here i'd open a bar across the street called the 17 Chapel. She goes, what? I go, 17 Chapel. She goes, what? I don't know. 16 Chapel?

17 Chapel. It's like having the 19th hole. Oh, my God. Bar thing. And she just, she looked at me. Oh, my God. Like, oh, my God, I'm breeding with this. Oh, my God. It's the my God, I'm breeding with this. Oh my God.

And she goes, no. This is so Christine Chappell. It's just Christine Chappell. And then all I could say, all I could say was this. I just go, no it isn't. And then it was funny. Then I walked in. I walked in.

And I looked up and I didn't even like it. It's not even that big. It's like, it's like the size of the side of even like it. It's not even that big. It's like the size of the side of this fucking thing. He milked it. It should have taken way less time. I'm telling you, they were paying him by the fucking hour. And I'm in a bar called the 70s. No, I have a lot of those.

I have a lot. Oh, Jesus, don't die on us, man. I can imagine the room before it, you're like 15 and 16. I thought it was the 16 Chapel. Do you remember when we did the End of the World podcast? Yep. It was the night that Hillary and Trump were in the election. Who won that?

It was Trump. And so I got an Uber that night and I said to the guy, we're going to the comedy store. He said, yeah. I said, what for? He said, what for? I said, we're watching the election.

And he goes, yeah. What's going on with that? And I was like, did you vote? And he was like, I'll probably get to it later this week. I go, yeah? And he was like, yeah. Who's running anyway?

And I was like, Hillary and Trump. And he was like, oh, yeah. It's crazy. Crazy, yeah? And he was like, yeah, who's running anyway? And I was like, Hillary and Trump. And he was like, oh, yeah, it's crazy. Crazy, huh? And I go, where are you from? And he goes, Glendale. I go, no, like originally, because he had an accent. And he goes, Glendale. I go, you were born in Glendale?

I don't think everyone should get a vote. I think they should. I was thinking of this the other day. They should tether people's social media accounts to background checks for firearms. Isn't that a good idea? I don't know. I don't know where you're going with that. You're scaring me because I don't know what that logo means on that hat,

but it's looking very Eastern European to me. Oh, it's California. What is that? It's a bear. That's not a bear. It isn't? No. It is.

It's not a bear. It's a bear ripping through the California state flag. It should be a bear. It is a bear. It isn't? No. It is. It's not a bear. It's a bear ripping through the California state flag. It should be a bear. It is a bear. It wants to be a bear. Can't get this part to light. The outside? I can tell you, this cigar's getting good, though, huh?

Mm-hmm. I feel like I'm going to go home and agree to something that I don't want to agree. I'm going to be so high off this fucking tobacco. You know, one of those wife ideas. I have an idea that'll take up your whole weekend. You want to do that? Do I have a choice?

Do you decorate for the holidays? Do you decorate? Oh, I'm sorry. By you, what do you mean you? I feel like a politician testifying. I don't do. No, I mean, I'm going to decorate the tree. But she got some special person, like not challenged, but like special. That's what they do.

Yeah. Came over and... Decorated the house for you? Yeah. It's like they basically just take a bunch of shit that was outside, and they bring it inside, and then they put red bows on it. And then you get a bill. Exactly what Christmas is.

Yeah. You take the shrubs. That's what a Christmas tree is. It's a giant shrub. I like those ones that everybody calls Charlie Brown trees, those clean looking ones. The little tiny ones? No, they're tall, but they have like massive space between the branches. So then you can see the ornaments.

Yeah. Like that little fellow there, he's trying too hard. He didn't want to be here. Is that a real tree? That's real. Oh, that's kind of sad. You know, if they had voices, that thing would be screaming right now. Oh, fuck!

Screaming my feet. My feet. Water. I was just a kid. They took me from my family. That actually just really made me sad. That's what I saw when I saw that. I was like, he was just a baby.

And they were like, he'll do. Smack. Yeah, the whole thing is just fuck. What are you getting for Christmas? What do you ask for? I got it already. Monogram flip flops? No, no.

I actually have those too, by the way. With B on one and k on the other wait is it gonna be for me or for other people which way do i do this i almost wore those i have monogram flip-flops um thanks free water the uh no i got a treadmill for christmas you just can't get your mouth around it that's the problem yeah i'm gonna fucking tJ. Other than that, it's a decent tobacco. Who is this? I thought you passed out. Assault. Isn't there anything?

There's a cigar out there right now called Lunatic. Really? It looks nice. It looks flavorful. I don't know. I got to stop doing this stuff. You smoke cigars? Yeah.

How many do you smoke a month? 30. Unless it's February. I wish I could have been there. The 17th chapel. No, there's different months. You're making me laugh so hard. This past month, I was under a lot of stress.

And it just became my thing. I was having dreams of drinking again I had a dream last night I was getting drunk how long has it been one year yeah a little over a year and I'm done dude I think I'm done oh done done yeah I think I'm done dad dies you're not gonna have one oh good question yeah I'll have one. Yeah. Definitely. Hey, Bert, when my dad dies, will you drink with me? Yup. Okay.

That's a friend. Georgia, when she was a baby, fell and broke her jaw. Did she die? No, but it was really sketchy because they had to bring her into a doctor. Did she break her jaw because you were drinking and you dropped her? No, no, no. I was on the road. I was doing a gig with Billy Gardell. Did you put brandy on her gums to make her jaw feel better?

No. I don't understand the point of the story. I'll tell you the point. You don't need to point at me when you say that, though. Leanne calls me. I'm on the road at the old Cincinnati Funny Bone. I'm with Billy Gardell, and she tells me what's going on. We have emergency surgery Monday morning.

You need to fly home Sunday. Listen, it's pretty serious because they're going to have to put her under, and she's a baby, and that's just serious. So I want to get your head right so when you get home. I was like, okay, I'm freaking out. Billy Gardell says, I'll tell you what you're not supposed to do right now. You're not supposed to go to the bar and drink your sorrows away. You've got to go to bed, get up early, get on a flight, and fly home

for your family. I said, that's not what I'm feeling. And he goes, okay, second option. If you do feel like you need to go to the bar, I'm there with you. We stayed at a bar until three in the morning. Don't you hate when people that you love quit drinking? Because I feel like I'm doing that to people.

No, I like it. You know, I never drank with Billy Gardell. Well, he's done. I know. That's one of my regrets. He was fun to drink with. He was really fun to drink with. Of course he was.

Oh. You know what? Because you know he could handle his booze. He's a happy guy, so he's just going to get happier he told me the ones you don't want is that quiet guy you start drinking with the quiet guy that's what he's either going to get more quiet and it's going to get more creepy or he's just going to like unload his life on you he's just like this is not what this is supposed to be these are called spirits my friend let's bring it up. I feel bad when people get like, I'm not the kind of drinker who gets sad.

And there are people who drink and start getting sad. My wife, if she gets drunk, it's... You're the kind of drinker that gets naked. Yeah. Yeah. Hardcore. Which is problematic in the Me Too era. All the times in college that I just rip my clothes off and run down the street is now...

Yeah, but you can get Me Too'd for that? I think so. Well, for what? There was a period of time, Sigur was telling me there was a period of time where I would get naked around him and his wife. Oh, I know why. I know why it would be offensive.

Why? Because, you know, they banned clapping at Oxford because it's like really like, I don't know, it's like people, it makes the eardrums hurt or something. You serious? This is true. So I'm just just you running down the street with your feet hitting the pavement that's what it is it's like feet clapping which is probably more traumatic have you ever gotten totally naked at a party i've never been a naked guy really no sorry i mean i thought that was normal first time having sex are you comfortable

like that are you comfortable like that? Are you like a comfortable sexual guy? I keep all of my clothes on. I just unzip my ply and I just, you know, I always chafe my shaft. Why? No, I am not uncomfortable. Like if I'm, you know, I'm with a woman and she likes what she sees, then I don't have a problem. But I'm not going to go into

like a fucking 7-Eleven and be the crazy guy. But like, are you a naked guy around the house? I'm not a frat guy. Are you a naked guy around the house? Like, wake up in bed.

Wake up. You walk around the house in underwear or do you put a shirt on? Do you throw on some sweatpants? No, I get clothes. I put on clothes. I have two kids.

I'm still not in clothes. Oh, you're the underwear dad? Oh, hardcore friends in the house underwear dad. Like, I'm not... All right. Yeah, I'm not going to... I perform shirtless. Like, what am I going to...

Well, you know what? If you guys won the war, I'd be the underwear guy. That's just how it works. It's just the luck of the draw. You guys won the war? That's what it comes down to. You took an epic loss

and you're still trying. It's like the Celtics when Len Bias died. It took us like 25 years to get past that. I feel like if Len Bias had lived, the Celtics would be a different team today. I got to tell you this right now. If he lived, that 1987

and 88 finals would have been the first Celtics and Lakers. I know we didn't make it in 88. Magic Johnson and Worthy and Kareem and Pat Riley trying to figure out the level of hoop. I'm not even saying we would have won, but

we were so excited that a Celtic could dunk. Yeah. Because we just had, like, all these fucking. Celtic can dunk. Like, and look good. Like, we're going to find. Oh, man, we're finally going to have it.

Because all these guys, you had, like, Dominique Wilkins, young Jordan with hair. And it was just like. And the dunking contest. And there was never a Celtic. Larry Bird would hit the three-point contest. That was all you could get good for for the Celtics. That was kind of cool, though.

Oh, watching him. When he pulled that last one, he put up that crooked finger that he fucked up in softball. God. I love, there's something I love about competitive men, you know, and I think they're trying to take that out of society, but like I love a shirtless man. That's why I've always loved your specials. Thank you so much, Bill. Alright, competitive. Yeah, they are. I love

competitive men. What is going on right now is people who don't want to compete want to get things without competing. That's straight across the board. I love competitive. What is going on right now is people who don't want to compete want to get things without competing. That's straight across the board. I'm talking about white women. That's what I'm talking about. They don't want to compete. They want to wind their way into something. Oh, my God. You give them a fucking award and they're still crying. My wife was watching the fucking Emmys.

You got your own show and they gave you a little statue. You're still crying? What else can we do to make you happy? It's fucking unbelievable. People of color, I get. But I don't understand being a white woman in the United States. It's not as hard as that. It can't be.

It can't be. Dude, the Me Too movement has killed the blowjob. My wife will not suck my dick on her knees ever again. It never will happen. It's because your stomach is pushing down her fucking neck.

Her face is tilted back like this on her forehead. It's like going down in an eight-foot pool down to the bottom and not clearing your ears. I feel bad for your wife. Oh, I do too. I came home drunk from the Rams game last night. This is like standing behind a city bus. This cigar is really fucking aggressive.

I'm looking for some little kids jumping on the back looking for a free ride. This is like if your dad caught you smoking cigars. He's like, yeah, you're going to smoke this one now. You'll never smoke again. Dad, I get it. Keep smoking it. There's no cell phone cameras. No one's ever going to know.

You can get away with some hardcore parenting back in the day. Oh, fuck, yeah. Yeah. My dad... My mom used to beat us in public right in front of everybody. People would laugh. They thought it was hilarious. Like, oh, she's going through it today.

No concern. Yeah. My dad raised me very different than my daughters. Or than my sisters. Like, my sisters, he was very, like, like hands-on let me help you get this let me help you get that for my dad it was like i just picture you getting kicked a lot as a kid no i was i was i was that guy who shouldn't have a dog but he does no i was i was uh like oh here we go again, kid. Like, if I had, like, big ideas, like, I'd have big ideas,

Dad, I'm going to change my name to Flash. He'd be like, huh, what the fuck? That was my dad the whole time, was like, huh? Does he get it now? No, still does not get it at all. At all. Like, even a little bit.

Late at night when you're with your wife and you're feeling vulnerable and you're in your BVDs that you can't quite see. Yeah. with your wife and you're feeling vulnerable and you're in your bvds that you can't quite see do you ever break down and just say i just don't feel he'll ever understand me no i i think i've given up jesus you went all serious all right let's do this i know i love i love my dad but i just i'm there's i mean i love my dad he loves me but there's a part of my personality where he just sounds like the beginning of a kid's song yeah I love my dad. He loves me. But there's a part of my personality where he just. Sounds like the beginning of a kid's song.

Yeah. I love my dad. And he loves me. But he doesn't get me. And then see the genius. But he never saw the genius I could be. Take off my shirt. He's still a jerk. He's like, why would you do that?

Why wouldn't you wear a suit? Why wouldn't you look nice?? Why wouldn't you look nice? Don't you want to look nice? I'm going to be honest with you. As much as I love you, I kind of like your dad. Sounds like an old school guy. He's very old school. Yeah.

Show up to a party, you wear a jacket. What? You let your woman walk in first, but you don't let her say a word. Yeah. You grab her jacket and you go, you don't say goodbye to nobody. Not enough people quote that movie. It's one of the greatest movies. You don't say goodnight to nobody.

Jay Moore introduced me to that movie. Jolly. It is such... Jay Moore can quote that movie better than anyone. Yeah, Pope of Greenwich Village. They took my thumb, Jolly. Hey, did that cunt leave you? I love... Chris Mazzilli is another guy who quotes that movie from Gotham. When he was talking about...

That guy's bragging about his restaurant. And Paulie's like, I don't know, man. I went in the other day. He goes, yeah, that mozzarella's a little tough. And he goes, that's bullshit. The Faganoni family's never had a tough piece of mozzarella ever. And he just throws away. He goes, tough like fucking shoe leather, that fucking mozzarella.

to mozzarella and he just throws away he goes tough like fucking shoe leather that fucking what's the most quotable movie do you think gotta be good fellas i just think that that's like for our generation you know what i mean but it wasn't made for us it wasn't made for me and you they made it they he made that for grown men but our generation found it and fell in love with it. We were kids when that movie came out. I'm older than you do. I'm 51. I'm 47. They're the same, same.

Let me tell you something, whippersnapper. Wait, find out when that movie came out. There was a big difference in age, though, back then, because when that movie came out, you were still a teenager. Okay, so find out when that movie came out. 1990, I was a senior in high school. Right, I was 22. Yeah, but he didn't make it for college kids that's not like that's not like uh where the fuck do you get off speaking for martin scorsese

martin scorsese was a grown man and he made that for other italian grown men and but for some reason us college kids found it and we're like this is because it was a it's a fucking incredible movie it's an amazing did Did you see The Irishman? No. Oh. I told Sebastian I did, but I didn't see it. Dude, Sebastian, I don't want to wreck it for everybody. Spoiler alert here.

I'll just vaguely... He has like a little Billy Bat story. Yeah. And he fucking crushes it. Jim Norton is in it. Really? And Ray Romano. Three stand-up comedians in one.

Yeah, Jim Norton playing Don Rickles. Norton's playing Don Rickles? Oh, that's a fucking great role. I got nervous when I saw him because I was like going, the last time I saw a comedian in Pacino was in this scene. He got fucking killed. It was in Scarface. What's his, Richard Belzer.

Richard Belzer? Richard Belzer played the comedian that gets fucking killed, right? Am I right? No. I'm wrong? In Scarface? Richard Belzer? Yeah.

When he's under the table and he just fucking shoots at their fucking knees. Oh, yeah. You know what I'm thinking is? Check it out. Oh, that's right. He's in that movie.

Yeah, he is. Chi-Chi. Chi-Chi, get the Yeho. Tony, open the fucking door. That's not everybody. You wanted an Uzi. Her uterus is rotted. Is that what he said?

Her whole womb is so polluted. That's it. I can't even have a kid with her. That's right. Go home. Oh. That's a great fucking movie, too. I think he was smoking this gauge in that hot tub.

Look at the pelican. Fly, pelican, fly. Hey, I was only kidding. Oh, what does he say? Now I'm the bad guy, huh? Now I'm the bad guy. Who put this together? Me. Who do I trust? Me. Do you know how many times I've had that going on in my head by myself at my house when everyone's like, they're going to bed. I'm like, where's everyone going?

Who put this together? Me. Who do I trust? Me. Who writes these shit jokes? Me. Not you. Fuck you.

So wait, when I was a freshman in college, you were graduating college? I should have been graduating college. I didn't walk until I was like 25. I didn't walk until I didn like 25. I didn't walk until I was... I walked at 25. I graduated at 26. Oh, so you like dropped out? No.

They failed me for two classes because of that party animal thing. And I had to take classes. Didn't you really fail yourself? Yeah. I had to take Florida prison, state prison classes through the prison system.

Sent me a box of books. Those are accredited? That was the state of Florida. Is it accredited or credited? Accredited. Those were the... I'm buzzed. I am buzzed from this cigar.

Like I'm super lightheaded. I didn't know it was... It's anyway. I always thought it was anyways. Anyways, I'm walking down the street. All my fucking... I've been saying it for years. Somebody on my podcast finally told me that. What is it? Anyway. I always thought it was anyways. Anyways, I'm walking down the street. All my fucking, I've been saying it for years. Somebody on my podcast finally told me that.

What is it? Anyway. Not anyways. Anyways. Anyway. Anyways. So I go over to the store. You're supposed to say anyway.

Anyways, I had an eatable. Anyways, I had an eatable. I'm at the 16th Chapel. At the 16th Chapel. Yeah. No, wait. So wait. What were you doing at 20?

Dude, I ain't gonna make it in this cigar. I know. We're supposed to smoke half and then the other half I think we're gonna take a fucking break. Have a fucking puke bucket.

Who the fuck can smoke this cigar? You know who can? You haven't seen him on the internet? You don't, I wish you were as obsessed with Instagram as I am.

There's this guy. Can't get into it. Sometimes something Tony, something Tommy. Hey's this guy. I can't get into it. Something Tony. Something Tommy. Hey, this is Tommy. Hey, how you doing? You know who I'm talking about? This is big time Tommy.

Hey, how you doing? I would love to hang out with that guy. Yeah. Oh, he's great. I don't want to watch him on my phone. He's great. I am a hardcore buzz from this little bit of this cigar. You know what I can't stand about social media?

What? I just hate how somebody posts something cool and people just can't retweet it or like it. They have to put a little meme on it and be like, this is me watching this video. It's like, it's not about you. Yeah. Wait, are you talking about the YouTube clips where people watch people's videos? No, I'm talking about like on Twitter Or something, even if they'd be like

I'm dying right now I don't give a fuck what you're doing This isn't about Quit stealing focus We all went here because of this clip And this is amazing I don't like when people take Viral clips that are like getting passed around

And then post them on their Instagram and don't credit. Okay, guys, check it out. Yeah. Those fucking cunts. Yeah. Ah, you know, it's a different one. You're really big on that. You're really big on, there's like, and I'm probably.

I'm big on MeTV. I'm probably overselling this, but there is a genre of young black men watching stand-up clips, like Frankenstein's Lab. There's a bunch of them. You're really popular on that. Young black dudes watching your stand-up. You ever seen that? People have sent me those, yes. Oh, man. And it's so much fun watching them cry laughing. Really? Good deal.

Oh, I love it. So I found those guys, Frankenstein's Lab. Well, you know, I did a lot of comic views back in the day. Did you really? Yeah, I did a lot of comic views back in the day. Did you really? Yeah, I did that. Is that because of Steinberg? No, because I wanted to do, I wanted to have a mixed following. Because I love New York crowds. And what I loved about New York crowds was everybody was there, so then you could talk about anything.

Yeah. But then I think when I shaved my head, people of color got a little nervous. I lost that following. Wait, I thought he was a cool white boy. Now he's looking like a fucking Nazi. Is he going to try to drive over me in a Challenger? What do your crowds look like now? me and a challenger what what what do your crowds look like now it's definitely a sausage fest but women are coming around really they're starting i think that now that i've kind of evolved out of

trashing women for 50 minutes out of my set um you know and i finally looked at myself a little more and be like hey i like the news new specials, one of my favorite specials that that I've seen. How much thought do you put into your special? Like how much thought? Meaning like the structuring of where jokes go a lot more than the look of it. What I want to say. Are you are you cognizant of what you start with? The act is the act, but it's outside of that. The bigger thing. What am I trying to do? I mean, there was a joke that I was doing. I already know the joke that you didn't put

in the special. Yeah, I didn't put it in because I didn't want to see my daughter see it because I didn't want her to take it the wrong way because it was making fun of me how emotionally closed off I was. But I didn't want her to like, you know, if she's older and she heard this story, she'd probably laugh. But like, because a buddy of mine said, that's no big deal. He goes, he goes, I did a joke about my daughter one time. I did it on Conan and she saw it and she cried. And he goes, but then, you know, she got older and now she gets it. Whatever. It's like,

and I was listening. I was like, I don't want to make my daughter cry. By the way, was that person me? I talked about my daughter's period on Conan. Oh, she goes, she watched it. She said to my wife, she goes, he's making fun of us. My wife goes, yeah, that's what dad does. And she goes, I thought he was going to say how cool it is. And she goes, well, he is. But the way he says it's cool is he makes fun of it, like how weird it is.

And then he comes around at the end and isn't it cool? Yeah, but your kids are really well adjusted. They're cool as shit. No, my kids are just, I had no choice but to grow up with a road dad like that was it and they didn't get your kids are really cool you did a great job thank you you didn't know because now you know i started late so i look like um you know there's there's things like you know i think with with uh when you become a parent, like I think, you know, you love your parents. And I think like 80 percent of the stuff that they did, you thought was cool.

And then there's the 20 percent that made you become a comedian. I might want to dial some of that down. There's more information out there. I mean, I lucked out. I had great parents. So but there's like certain things that like I'm trying to get rid of. And part of that special, that's what most of it was about. Granted, that's not what people talked about. What did they talk about the most? Well, I mean, the stuff that was getting is just that stupid hot button fucking horseshit, which wasn't really even the special. It was more about me Trying to You know Facing this ugly side of myself

That I was this person that was difficult to live with The best part of the special Your story about you and Nia Watching that thing together Oh the Elvis It's the best part of the special There's not a lie in that That whole argument happened

It's great I've been waiting for you to talk about your relationship with nia for fucking four specials now because she's always talk about it not really no this is the first time that i've and i would say i've listened to all your specials that you went in and gave her a voice in it where you talked about her and her reaction to living with you a little clearer i think oh because i was uh i didn't understand what an asshole i was before that so now now i get it i'm gonna i'm gonna figure this out by 70 i want to figure can i can i tell you what i'm dying to talk to you about cryo-freeze cbd developed by omax, finding a natural remedy that instantly works might seem non-existent.

Most over-the-counter pain relievers such as Icy Hot or Bengay only focus on one basic cooling effect, such as menthol, which temporarily takes your mind off the pain until that pain returns in an hour or so. The solution? If you're looking to get rid of nagging muscle and joint pain immediately while providing long-lasting recovery, then you need to try the natural breakthrough pain relief solution. Pain Relief Roll-On is specifically formulated to block pain receptors, reduce inflammation, and improve muscle and joint flexibility. The best part is this 100% natural CBD powered remedy works its magic within 10 minutes of application and relief can last up to eight hours, much longer than the over-the-counter

products. It's super easy to throw in your gym bag and take for on-the-go pain relief. Simply roll it on wherever it hurts, ice out the pain with an Arctic Blast. Omax Health is offering our listeners 20% off a full bottle of Cryo-Freeze Pain Relief Roll-On plus free shipping. This discount also applies towards any product site-wise. Just go to omaxhealth.com today and enter the promo code BillBurt to take advantage of this incredible savings. This, that is O-M-A-X health.com and enter the code Bill Burt to get 20% off cryo freeze and site wide. Simply safe home security is like getting commercial grade enterprise level security, but for your home. Think about the security the Fortune 500 companies use. That sets me off.

When I hear Fortune 500 companies, I all of a sudden go, I want that shit. I want their savings. I want their security. They need to know police are going to be on the scene immediately. This is exactly the kind of security you get with SimpliSafe. If there's a break-in, SimpliSafe uses real video evidence to give police an eyewitness account of the crime, and that means police dispatch up to 350% faster than for a normal burglar alarm. With SimpliSafe, you get comprehensive protection for your home.

Outdoor cameras and doorbells alert you when anyone's approaching your home. Entry, motion, and glass break sensor guards for the inside. Plus, SimpliSafe protects your home from fires, water damage, and carbon monoxide poisoning. It's all monitored 24-7 by live security professionals. You can set this system up yourself with no tools needed, or SimpliSafe experts can come to you and their experts can set it up for you. It's only 50 cents a day. It's only 50 cents a day and no contract. Go to SimpliSafe.com slash BillBurtt today to get free shipping on your order plus a 60-day money-back guarantee. That is SimpliSafe.fe.com slash billbird to save on home security today.

SimpliSafe, S-I-M-P-L-I, safe.com slash billbird. Okay. One of the things that happens the most on the internet is bill burr interviews gone wrong do you know what i'm talking about no two is like what do i do do you google yourself no no it's like you have an unawareness about you that that you don't realize that's such a great way of saying you're kind of glib no you're not glad this childlike you're, but like, the two interviews are H3H3 and Theo Vaughn, where everyone's like, did you see that interview? And by the way,

knowing you, I don't see anything wrong with the interview. I had a great time on the Theo Vaughn thing. I don't know what the fuck happened with that. I don't know either. I left that, we had a good time, I showed him my truck, we had a great fucking time. I thought you guys had a great time. I thought it was a great interview. I think it is... Knowing both of you, you were not you, and he was not him.

Yeah, and that's the thing. I'll do his podcast again. The thing about it is I understand his vibe more. Yeah. So it's just like anything. His vibe is tough to gel with. If you're completely in the dark of what you're doing, it takes you a second to double-dutch into it. He's one of my favorite comics.

He is. Yeah, I don't got it. So like people like to take a little fucking thing and then gas it up and make it something else. And then it becomes like, you know, that's all they're doing. That's like what's funny is the average douchebag on these fucking social media is no different than these giant corporate news agencies where they're just they're just taking shit out of context to cause you to cause something that didn't even happen. So you'll stop and watch it so they can make money off of views.

Yeah. And people on the Internet do the exact same thing. They know exactly where to cut it, where to begin it and where to end it to make it to take it from a level two up to fucking 12. I watched you and Theo's whole interview, didn't find anything wrong with it, including what people will say is how it ended, which is you going, I have to go, I have to leave now. Yeah, my kid was getting up. It had nothing to do with him.

And then I watched the, you got to see this interview with Bill and Theo, and they chop it up to make it look like you don't like him, you don't get him. Do they do that with Rogan, where they'll do, like, his reaction, that guy, and they can totally make a completely different interview that didn't even happen. Oh, yeah, you don't have to tell me about that.

I'm fucking with all my interviews. Yeah, so why would you watch that shit? I don't watch it. I watch it, but I don't know, that doesn't... You know what, fuck you, Bert. I'm not going gonna cut this up now it's funny because it's like someone will say something did you see that with bill and i go yeah i did and it's but just bill it's not it's bill and it's theo like how do you not see past

just two dudes being it's like even with ro, sometimes, like Joe and I are very different men and I'll go on the podcast sometimes and there will be like a, like people will go, how was that? And I go, it was a blast.

We had a fucking great time. We got high on that. You guys are great friends. Yeah. Yeah. They'll find something with it. You know what this fucking cigar is like?

What? This is like when, after Metallica made Injustice for All, and then they were just like, you want to write simpler songs? And they did the Black album let's stop trying to write shit and fucking you know 70 or whatever the fuck they

were doing on that album i don't understand it this we got to go we got to do something a little more managed we've blown it out next one we go but it always has to it's got to be now now it's like part of the podcast it's got to be. People are going to send in ridiculous cigars. We'll be holding them with two hands next. A big hookah thing. Can you believe that bands sit in a studio for like a month and write an album, and we get 18 months to write an act? I was thinking about that the other day. I absolutely love music music and I am fascinated

with people that have the ability to sing and, you know, write a song and then also people, even more amazing than singing to me is being able to speak

through an instrument. It's fucking incredible because there's like, because I played drums for a hobby for a long fucking time and I didn't realize, it took me like

fucking 25, 30 years to finally figure out like wait i don't play drums i do drums because you do what other people have done yes yeah and then these other then i would go like you know a music store guitar center or something like that and i'll see some young kid sit down who just has it and they sit down they hit the drums and they hear what the drums sound like, which inspires an idea. And then they go with it. And it was just like. And I'm sitting there trying to see what they're doing. And then go home and go do it. And it's just like, yeah, if I did the same approach. To comedy that I did with drums, I would have been the biggest joke thief that ever fucking existed.

I think you're describing my first 10 years of comedy just redoing a tell just you know when you touch their faces yeah it's like that's what i like to call hobo chili yeah everybody started to have like his his cadence he's so fucking good um oh he's i still think he's the best i made stew last night and i said give me a shoelace a onion and a mr coffee and i'll make some hobo chili he's just the best i like the kind of girl that drinks diet coke with a whiskey you know the kind of girl that goes out and shouts the n-word at a lunar eclipse david tell is the greatest the greatest just i want to quote some of his jokes but i don't know if he's put them out there yet but oh some of the new ones oh dude

just edit this one out because this is my favorite one is it just me or does an owl look like an attorney for a parrot what about what about we can edit around this yeah yeah i didn't want to just blur it so it goes is it true if you jizz on a confederate flag and you bury it a cracker barrel will grow i don't even have that brain like i can't i i my jokes are so like when i come up with a joke it's so long that it's like oh you're a storyteller yeah I know but I wish I could just get those set up punches you know what you are you're like that town drunk on uh fucking uh what is that Mayberry show what is that with little Opie yeah what was that that town drunk that used to always fucking lock up oh what was his name Andy Griffin show that's

what you like yeah what was his name Cletus youith Show. That's who you like. Yeah, what was his name? Cletus or something? You're a more sober, you're a modern day Cletus. You didn't drink too much. You still got married. You had a family. You didn't completely fuck it up. Some lady one time we went into. That was supposed to be funny.

I hope that's not insulting. I hope I'm not going to get like a fucking text later on. Hey, you know, I had a good time smoking that horse cock cigar with you. But I just had to ask you, did you mean that when you said that? No, Bert, you know I love you. Okay. No, I was in a meeting one time with this company. Forget it, Bert.

You're doing things in this town. Jesus Christ. And this lady goes, yeah, it's like all your stories. I said, what? She goes, all your stories. You're like a drunk Forrest Gump. And I go, I am? And she goes, yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, tell me one of your stories. I'll tell you how it ends. And I went, okay. And

I started a story. And she goes, let me guess. And then you got drunk and you said, I don't know. I was like, oh my God, this woman figured me out so quick. And then I was, every joke I started writing, I was like, fuck man, I can't, that's my lane as I fuck things up. No, that's why you can't fucking Google yourself. And you certainly can't watch somebody do an impression of you. As flattering as that is, then you're going to know you're catered. You're going to get all fucking weirded out by it. You can't do it. Oh, God.

Why didn't you put the military joke in the special? I had that in there. I have all of that in there. And somebody who watched it was going like, you know what? You have this great special. Everything is about you. And then you have this 15-minute aside. Yeah.

And I was like, and this is another thing, too, was it didn't work that well. And I couldn't figure out why. Yeah. And it turned out the day I was shooting my special, the IRA did some sort of bomb threat in London. Oh. And nobody told me before I went out there because they didn't want me to get in my head,

but I needed that information. Yeah. So it didn't quite do as well, but I'll tell you where it murdered. It murdered at Madison Square Garden, and I'm putting that out on vinyl. So then it's cool because then that becomes to go back to music that becomes like my hey hey what can i do the

fucking that was only on the back side of a 45 i was thinking about like a lost track i was thinking you were one of the few people that were putting out albums right before like you were putting out albums and specials almost at the same time that That one album, the one where you learned about lotion? Yep. What year was that? It's got to be 2008? I don't remember. I'm going to say because I had kids and I was on the road and I was driving.

I don't think it was that long ago. Yeah, it might have been earlier. It was earlier this decade, I think. Yeah. I don't think it was that long ago. Yeah, it might have been earlier. It was earlier this decade, I think. Yeah. I don't remember. But that was, I was like, I wonder why that wasn't just a special. How many specials have you done now? Six.

Six? Plus a half hour on Comedy Central. Oh. This is four for me. I think I might be done. There's nothing wrong with, like, people know who you are. You don't need to, like, be putting them out at a clip. I'm not going to be doing it the same way I've been doing it.

The thing about it is people have been putting them out as fast or faster than George Carlin. Yeah. And you've got to be looking at yourself realistically going, like, all right, good as just george carlin no okay and then what if i took a little time here that's what i want to do with this and then i take two specials distill them down into one and have just one banger as opposed to two good ones like you want it to be memorable. It's very hard. You were saying you did that with this one, but Paper Tiger, I remember going like, wait, when did you do your last special?

And you're like, oh, this one's been done for a year. I've been ready to record this for a year. Yeah, but I just felt like there was, I don't know. I had to, you know, there's a tendency that, oh, everybody's doing this. They're doing it this way. I need to do it that way. But the thing is, you kind of got to go like, you know, there's a tendency that, oh, everybody's doing this. They're doing it this way. I need to do it that way.

But the thing is, you kind of got to go like, you know, I learned a lot by watching the way a guy like a Chris Rock, Beastie Boys, the way they did it. Like those people that they're out there, everybody knows who they are, and they have this thing, right? And they hit you over the head with it. They promote the shit out of it. It comes out, boom, it's this big thing.

And then there's the tour, and then they just go away. Yeah. And you don't see them, you don't hear them. And every fucking time a Beastie Boy album came out, I was always like, a month before it came out, I was like, what are those guys doing? Oh, they got it, and then bam, they hit you over the head it's like oh my god i fucking love this album dude beastie boys have continued to put out great fucking music i watched them play sabotage on instruments

on letterman the other day and it's fucking yeah perfect yeah it's perfect mA came up with that riff, I believe. I got the hardcover, their hardcover book. God, it's so good. Yeah, I want to take, I want to tour and write. I can't believe I never saw them live. Oh, I never saw them live. I remember seventh grade. How crazy do you think the crowd went during the breakdown of that? And then when they come out of it and they just go, wow.

I mean, oh, my God. That's like, that's fucking. How great would it be to have that in your act where you could just start like a boom, and listen to fucking 100,000 people just go. And for every different person, it brings back a moment in their life of going, back of Brian Callahan's car, smoking a joint, drinking a 40. Fuck yeah. And we got fucking pulled over. it brings back a moment in their life of going back to Brian Callahan's car, smoking a joint, drinking a 40. Fuck yeah.

And we got fucking pulled over. Who's going to ask first? Did you? No, I'm not. I still, this thing's going to hold on forever. Woo. I just moved. The head fucking, the head low.

Yeah, baby. If you could play one, one song to 100,000 people, right? 100,000 people, Wembley Stadium, and you get to start a song to watch them lose their minds to. Easy. What is it? Winchester Cathedral, Lawrence Welk. The second you start it. Do, do, do, do, do.

Oh, do, do, do, do. Oh, do, do, do, do, do, do, do-do-do-do-do. Do-do-do-do-do. Do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do. What? Winchester Cathedral. Do-do-do-do-do. You're bringing me down. I do that fucking Wembley and make him take the whole fucking thing right in the face. I remember one time we're in the store.

Get used to it. I'm playing what I want. We're in the store and I'm going up before you and you're going last. We're doing an all things comedy thing and they start yelling the machine and you're by the curtain going, don't do it, Bert. They don't tell you what to tell on stage. Don't do it. Don't do it.

And I go, when I was 22, you go, ah, fuck. I'm not that guy. I would want to play, oh, what's the fucking, what would be the greatest riff to play? I want to play guitar. Why don't you? No, I play guitar. I play guitar. And why did you say it that way? No, I would want to play guitar. Oh, he said he'd want to play guitar. Maybe something from Oasis. Maybe something. Maybe song number two. Two days gonna be today.

Song number two by Blur. Gonna throw it out to you. I like them because they still sounded English when they sang. Yeah. Because you remember that hacky bit how they all sound fucking American? Yeah. I like them that they sounded. Dude, those two fucking guys should have been comedians. they're fucking great that's one of the things i look up

everyone the quotes from the two guys in oasis at carl lagerfeld you ever read him the stylist he used to be a fat fuck and then he got skinny and then he just hated on fat people it's fucking hilarious no he says some of the meanest fucking shit like it's just like dude if this was in a set this would be like past midnight in the original room at the comedy store. Who is he? He was a designer?

Yeah really cool looking guy too cause he used to be fat and then he had to get rid of the skin so he kind of had like this he looked like uh. Kevin Smith? No he looked. Kevin Smith looks good. Oh, he lost a bunch of weight? Oh, he lost a bunch of weight. He looks fucking amazing. He looks amazing.

There he is. Oh, wow. Look how he dressed. Look at his face. You can see that was once a fat guy's face. I'm physically... What does it say? I'm physically allergic to flip-flops that's hilarious that's perfect yeah there's brothers unapologetically look down on a lot of people

that deserve to be looked down on who've now become heroes like like fat people yeah so i don't get like okay So you get to eat all the cookies and not go to the gym and you get called a hero? I mean, that's not how life works. No. To get anything in life, you have to give something up. That's how it works. Which is why it's so stupid. They keep saying

to women, can you really have it all? No. There. Answered. Yeah. You want to do this? You're not going to have enough time to do that but i wanted to everything my hot spin class when i was in the middle of sober october i would it would get so hot i'd take my shirt off by the way i'm everyone all the way what everybody did when he took it off apparently because next class i go to they they're like, hey, guys, we have a few rules.

Gentlemen, please keep your shirts on. Were they looking sort of at you, but not at you? And I was like, motherfucker. I was like, everyone's all about body acceptance, except when it's a fat guy. Oh, not at all. You can't do it. Yeah, no. I was like, the rules don't apply to you.

They would never do that to a woman, ever. And then here I am, just overweight and hot, just like everyone else. Everyone's in sports bras. I'm not complaining that maybe I see something that is unattractive, but they can definitely complain and say... Okay, boomer.

Yeah. I love when people say that. My daughters say that. Yeah, it's like, yeah, I'm... Oh, no! On the fucking snow! You get snow on your... It's not going to be a good Christmas.

I'm not even close to half done with this. I'm actually fucking cruising here. I just got to get this thing caught up here. Winchester Cathedral! You're bringing me down. It would be cool to play the beginning of Bohemian Rhapsody. Mama It's one of the few Queen songs I don't like.

Really? I don't understand it. What's your favorite Queen song? Oh, Jesus, you backed me into a corner here. Oh, I can tell you right now. I'm having a good time. Flash! Oh, oh, oh

I think I liked another one. Another one bites the dust. I liked Radio Gaga. Yeah, I never liked Radio Gaga. And I also liked, he did a song, didn't he do a song with David Bowie? What song did he do? Oh, Pressure. Pressure. That one, I liked that one. David Bowie hated him. That's what, I mean. Come on, man.

They're both dead. I just made that the truth now. David Bowie's dead? Yeah. How long has that been? 2015? You sure you don't think it'll sting? They're both dead. I just made that the truth now. David Bowie's dead? Yeah. How long has that been? 2015. You sure you don't think it'll sting? No, sting is alive. Sting's alive? Sting is alive.

Alive and well, my friend. Still doing yoga. Still having tantric sex. Tantric sex. That's why I always mixed up him and David Bowie. Actually, I don't think I mixed them up. I think if you're having tantric sex, you let other people say that.

Once you say it, you've ruined all the coolness. Like, if you could fuck for nine hours, that's, you know... It's not time-effective. I've got other shit to do. Like what? Take your shirt off in a spin class? Yeah. I can't believe... I can't believe in that tantric sex.

I can have sex so quick. I mean, so quick. I could do it in probably two minutes, done. In and out. Well, yeah. I've had sex and... You know your body. I do.

You're comfortable with it? Very. And you're about yourself in the bedroom? I am very about myself in the bedroom. Isn't it crazy to think you'll never fuck another person? Like ever? Like you see a girl in a magazine

and you go, huh, huh. Dude, I'm so fucking, it's all about sleep. Once you have kids, it's just about sleeping. Sleeping is like so much better than anything.

And you got non-drinking sleeping. Oh, it's the best. That's the best sleep. It is the best, unless you had an eatable. You ever taken a sleeping pill? Mm-mm. Mm.

I used to take those Tylenol PMs until I heard it was like doing a fucking three-day bender. I just got a bad feeling this is getting up in my lap. But that'll be funny, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It'll be a big sketch

and we'll like turn it into a scene. The fake snow will light on fire? Oh, what if this fucking fake snow is flammable? All what do we do here what wait a minute you're only that far in yeah i know that's i don't i can't believe you're that far i gotta really start sucking i think it's because you've been doing all the talking and not listening i listen better to you than i do any human being ever i'm not a good listener that's because every time we hang out, we're smoking a cigar. I have a buddy of mine who said,

the only time I feel like you listen to me is when you're smoking a cigar. He said that to me. Really? And I said, what'd you say? No. This is how good this fucking drink is. This isn't going to stop me. Let's take a break and get new drinks. Get a new Fanta and I'll get a new

Tito's and Soda. And then I'll light the other side of this. Okay, we're going to fix this here. Did we just talk for an hour? That was one hour? That was effortless. So I should say that?

We'll take it, yeah, take it clean. All right, we're going to clean up this bottle. Take a little break here. And we'll get back to... I like when you take a puff, you're going to fucking put your head all the way back. Wait, how you don't? I put mine back and let it go up in the air.

Can we please put that to slow music? That was incredible. All right, we're gonna take a break. We'll be back in a second. That was perfect. Let's get another cocktail. Oh, you lost it Oh fuck

We have a winner God dang And mine's not even as long as yours That's what she said Hold on Dance the break Okay let's take a break And then we're gonna come back

With after what she said Okay When we're back Okay she said. Okay. When we're back. Okay.