The Bill Bert Podcast - The Bill Bert Podcast | Episode 21

Episode Date: July 8, 2020

Bill and Bert prattle about elective procedures, learning from gold diggers, and a call to Bobby Kelly.

Hey, what's going on everybody? Welcome to another wonderful episode of the Bill Bert Pod Cast Ah, it stayed on you for the whole thing After you said Bert Um, what's going on everybody? It is July 5th Happy birthday America

You fucking lost Great Britain I Fucking kicked your ass Happy birthday, America. You fucking lost. Great Britain. Fucking kicked your ass, and you never came knocking again. Actually, didn't they? They came again in 1812. This is the best part of this podcast for me, is I'm going through the news, I'm looking at sports, and immediately I go, I got to ask Bill.

Oh, nice. Ask me. I don't know shit about American history. I don't know nice. Ask me. I don't know shit about American history. I don't know shit about women and I don't know shit about sports, but it doesn't stop me from talking. Having an opinion. By the way, by the way, you fucking talked about it enough. I went out and I got one. I'm going to do a taste test.

Bert Kreischer on the last one brought up this fucking thing that I passed over like a fucking – this thing in my world was like – it was like me looking at a red-headed chick, you know? I don't even see it. It's just a reminder. I've got so many Heath Bards. I don't even know what this is. I'm not insulting Reddits because I am also orange popsicle color i was just like i don't need more of that i have that at home can you bring me a heath bar in from the tour bus

you have one on the tour bus i have i want to see what this is all about because i brought this home and my wife went up went into falsetto when she saw it she's like you got a heath bar i'm like what the fuck is with these things so here we go all right taste test You saw it. She's like, you got a Heath bar? I love Heath bars. I'm like, what the fuck is with these things? So here we go. All right. Taste test. The official eyes on taste test.

We're getting some money on this podcast. Good crunch. Good flavor. A little bit of butter. Don't be insecure. Don't be insecure. Let me enjoy it. Let me make up my own mind.

Ooh. That's tasty. Yeah, right? This is like a good cigar where there's the initial flavors. I hate cigar fucking when they do the reviews. The second they light it, I'm tasting some cinnamon. I hate that shit. You're tasting some smoke, you

fucking asshole. These are delicious. It's're tasting some smoke, you fucking asshole. These, these are delicious. Take a candy bar for grown-ups. These are under fucking rated, and these will pull your fillings out. Yes, they will. Wow. Yeah. I don't know if I can eat a whole one of these.

That's why I like to break it, Bill, and leave it on a plate in the middle of the kitchen and just go by and have a little snack throughout the day you know what Italians call that? you're a govan what's that? I learned that from Verzi that's that guy who's just eating to eat just walking by shoving shit in his face

you're a fucking govan hope I'm saying that right. No disrespect to Italians out there. I love the Sopranos and understood why it was offensive all at the same time. It would be great if you were saying a racial slur unknowingly.

I wouldn't put it past it. And then Heath had to apologize. Fuck the... All right, you know what? I sign off on that. They're fucking difficult. You can't have a conversation when you have one, though. So I'll tell you what happened.

We were in Oklahoma City on tour, and they had... Have you played at Spokane, the Spokane Comedy Club, or at Tacoma? I've done colleges. So the club there, the owners owners have an array of chocolates and treats and snacks like the whole green room is set up say array again an array of snacks and treats every candy bar every every it's like Bobby Kelly and my wet dream of a green room they got arcades great clubs great clubs, great clubs. And so we're in Oklahoma City, and they got all the candy bars.

So I grab all the candy bars. I lay them on the couch. I take a picture of them, everything they got in the room. And I said, what's your top five? And then what's your never pick, right? What's the one you'll never pick? And so I put my top five, and it was Heath, Snickers. I forget. It was whatever was there. But my it was Heath, Snickers. I forget.

It was whatever was there, but my never pick was Milk Duds. I just write Milk Duds, right? Oh, Milk Duds. And the only time you ever had them was Halloween, and they came in that little box, and it was fine. You just ate them to eat them. You got four, like rabbit shit. So I go to sleep.

We have a few pops, go to sleep. Wake up the next morning. Milk Duds is trending on Twitter. It's trending because everyone is trashing Milk Duds based off my tweet. And then Milk Duds gets in the mix. Milk Duds, Hershey's, Kit Kat, Skittles, Jolly Ranchers, all their Twitter feeds start lighting me up. What the fuck's wrong with Milk Duds?

Oh, are they all in business together? It's all under the Hershey's umbrella. You fucked with one of the big families in candy. That's what happened. That wasn't even a New York crime family. That was Chicago. And then I came back and I said, I know what you're doing, Milk Duds.

You had to have your two big brothers, Kit Kat and Hershey's, and your little sister, Jolly Rancher, come after me. That's right. That's like the fucking weak act on the roster. And they go, listen, you got to book Milk Duds or you're never going to get Bert Kreischer again. All right, well, give him a weekend.

The week after the Super Bowl weekend. You got to do better than that. Yeah. So, yeah, so, but Heath was my number one. We don't have any, all we have is hershey's on the on the bus hershey's delicious yeah so i like the almonds but you know sometimes i like the surface area of the original milk chocolate i just feel like i'm getting more and just because there's almonds all of a sudden you know the square footage of the candy bar goes way down.

Yeah, I see what you're saying. So yes, I wonder if there's- I don't think you'd like what I was saying. I wonder if those almonds save you calories. Huh? I wonder if those almonds save you calories because it's less chocolate. I don't know, man, but I think you're this close to curing COVID. man but i think you're this close to curing covid dude that is like some weed talk hey man do you like think because there's an almond there instead of more chocolate like you could eat this and still have a flatter stomach than if you ate the bigger one um i was disappointed with the amount of people that don't because i i saw that that that that twitter thing i mean it

was all over it yeah i was like oh my god why is milk duds trending when i first then when i found out they weren't in trouble then i posted the denzel fucking whatever people always sorry um i was pissed the amount of people i was disappointed the amount of people, I was disappointed the amount of people that actually enjoy a Three Musketeer bar, which is the Cadillac of a Milky Way. It's just all nougat. Yeah, you got to be a big nougat fan if you're into a Milky Way. I've looked up nougat before on my own podcast. Milky Way is for like middle, middle, like, grade school kids.

Grade school kids like Milky Way and Three Musketeer. I thought it was for poor kids that couldn't afford the peanuts in a Snickers bar. No, eighth grade is when you turn into Snickers. You're like, I'm going to graduate to Snickers. Snickers is the IROC Z. That's the IROC Z. And that one there is just like the fucking standard, Milky Way's a standard Camaro, the rally sport. So then a Heath Bar is like a Jaguar.

A Heath Bar is a bit of a sleeper. So I would put this thing, this is the Mercedes-Benz AMG wagon. Oh, wow. You can do that down with three kids, and all of a sudden, it just fucking, you know, those AMG engines, you can actually meet the guy if you go to Germany who builds it. He autographs the engine. Yeah, yeah. They don't do that on a Chevy or a Ford, unless it's Carroll's Shelby. He puts his name right on the dashboard. That's my dick and balls under the hood there, freckles.

his name right on the dashboard that's my dick and balls under the hood day of freckles yeah i was uh we we had started that conversation last week talking about candy bars posted it and i was like oh this thing's going viral hey can you tell people about your amazing tour bus i mean i'm seeing a wet bar i I'm seeing a marble fireplace. Yeah. Well, we upgraded. We got this one from Ron White. This was Ron's. That's amazing. That looks like a double-wide, dude. Yeah. No, this is... I'm in quarantine. What's the matter?

I just got off the road, and so, quarantining for a few days until I go back to my family. Aren't you supposed to stay for 14 days? No, not really, because I got corona tested, and so it came back negative. And so I'm just gonna give myself a couple more days and pop back on. Nice. It's nice to see a comic can actually do the road

and be responsible and not come back with COVID. We all tested. We all tested negative. Eight of us on the tour bus. Zero. I'm not trying to start beef with any of my buddies who got COVID. Come on. You got the guns out. I want to hear you talking some shit here.

Look at that. Let me tell you something, Donald Schaub. Let me tell you something. No, it was just, it was zero contact. We were 100% zero contact. Like, obsessive. Everyone had masks on at all times. You do your spot. I was very, we were very.

So it can be done. It can be done. But if you love your fan base more than you love yourself, like those two angels, those two angels doing the Lord's work, trying to bring the country together with fist bumps, the fighter and the kid, then you could actually have a problem. Like in Brian Callen,

if you fist bumped me, and then he goes, how did I not know that it would be right here? Oh, is that what he said? He goes, I'm only making fun because I know that

they're young enough and they're both in phenomenal shape, particularly Brian Callen. If we could just talk about Brian and his fun because I know that they're young enough and they're both in phenomenal shape, particularly Brian Callen. If we could just talk about Brian and his physique because I know that he's sick right now, so somebody has to be talking about his amazing physique. Each of those calls is an ab workout for him.

61 years old to still be like – I mean, that's incredible. Yeah, 61, great eyelids. Have you seen his eyelids lately? No, that's incredible. Yeah, 61. Great eyelids. Have you seen his eyelids lately? No, I haven't. Oh, he got some work done, and it looks nice. He looks really young right here. Edit that out. Don't tell him that he got plastic surgery.

No, Bill. Everyone knows it. He was wearing sunglasses on his podcast. Like he had just gotten into a title fight and defended the belts you know what that's a hollywood fight right there you get your eyes done you come into the press conference with your shades on oh if you had to do one elective uh oh jesus your eyes just lit up one elective procedure for looks that you feel would actually, that they have the procedure down enough. Because you don't, you know, sometimes people get their eyes done and they look weird

for a while and then they live with that. It's going to settle. It's like, is it going to settle or am I just going to get used to the new you? That weird sort of like, this is like as white as me, but like you actually have pigment, you know? What is the one plastic surgery procedure that you think would actually enhance your career and that they – and it's got to be a combo, and they actually know how to do it. They practice on enough fucking faces. It's got to be your face. Obviously, I go with hair transplants. I would love to do fucking, like, Joel McHale-style hair transplants I would love to do fucking like Joel McHale style hair transplants his hair you outing everybody he wrote about it

in his book he talks about it openly he talks about it totally openly he has no problem what you're gonna do for the whole podcast just over Winfrey has a plastic vagina what are you doing oh she talked about that on the tonight show oh okay then i get dragged into this shit no his hair is awesome like i would i would love to get it would be cool to have one last run of hair like just like fucking just up and i understand that let me ask you this one last run of hair what haircut are you going with? Your final week of hair. I mean, if I could, if you... I would definitely, I would just go straight long. I want hair down to here.

I want to pull it back. I want to put it in a ponytail. I want to get up out of the water. I want it to be everywhere. What are we talking? Are we talking yoga instructor? Are we talking a keyboard player in a metal band? No, we're talking sidekick in point break. One of Patrick Sazey's sidekicks, that long hair.

Oh, so you got the little highlights. Yeah, highlights, and it's just like kind of curly. Dignity shaking your head no so the chicks catch it in the corner of their eye. I see what you're doing. Flying down the highway in a Jeep with it just going everywhere. I think if I had a full head of long hair, I would actually want to work out more. I love when you talk about your hair just going everywhere. You can't control it, man.

You're like a Mustang out there. I can't. Okay. Here's the question. If you could give Bobby Kelly one style of hair, what would you give Bobby? Start from scratch. Oh, Bobby, I go straight pompadour. And he's losing the weight, but he has to keep his weight on.

He has to keep the weight on, and he has to be in some sort of rockabilly slash Don Ho cover band, and he's got to go straight up, fucking up and down like that. Mutton chops, little too hipstery. I want people to think

that he's not doing it ironically. Bobby used to have... Bobby had a haircut i never saw a man have when i first came i wish he was on this right now i love when he talks about young when he talks about young bobby that's my favorite thing he goes i was gorgeous like he talks about himself like he was like a like a i don't know like a runway model he had this fucking hairdo now you're not gonna find it you know if you're looking for a picture you can't i don't think there's any evidence of it this is like early 90s when i first met him

he had he had long black oh he's got okay long black hair and it was all like corkscrewed. It was like the haircut they didn't have in Color Me Bad. Like somehow they missed the boat. He's had great – he had great hair. I remember when he shaved it, I was shocked that he was losing his hair. Oh, yeah. He – did he pick up? No.

He didn't pick up. Yeah. He had like a, yeah, he looked like a wrestler. Yeah. I was shocked when he shaved it. He shaved it with Frosty, I think. It was with Frosty. Yeah.

Frosty shaved his head. He had him put his head over the tub or the toilet. I think the toilet. Just fucking. I remember Bobby was saying I was sitting there. I was going, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Wait, wait, wait. Alright, do it. Do it. And I gotta tell you something.

Ballziest thing I ever saw that fucking guy do. After he shaved his head, he went right down to the cellar the next night. He had a hat on. He sat down and just took it off. He just got it over with. It was unreal. He took his hat off. You know like when someone did a killer joke on Def Jam

and it looked like the sea parted in the crowd? That's what happened. Really? Oh, yeah. And they pounded and pounded and pounded. And Esty was the one who finally made him leave. And it was such a good one, I'm not going to repeat it. Why?

What was it? I can't. I don't want it. He gets enough shit. We all get enough shit. Fuck these trolls. I'm not going to repeat it. Why? What was it? I can't. I don't want it. He gets enough shit. We all get enough shit. Fuck these trolls. I'm not going to help them out. Fuck these trolls.

Yeah. I would like Bobby to have Michael Hutchins' hair. The lead singer from NXS. Oh, man. What a rock star. That guy had a great fucking head of hair. That poor guy, man man Lost his sense of smell And sense of taste

Yeah he hit his head And he was a pussy hound You know That's two big ones to lose You're a pussy hound Texting Bobby right now That hat is like A division two head football coach I'm texting Bobby right now. Dude, yeah, he got plunks.

That hat is like a Division II head football coach. Bill. Undersized, white lineman. These visors are so much better than the thin, rounded ones. These are those old-school, thick, good visors. I love those things, but I can't wear them during the day. I can wear it at night. If I wore it during the day, the level.

Look at how fucking white I am. I have the light from outside. Look at this shit. I mean, this is just like, you know, this is Mount Rushmore level whiteness that I'm bringing to the table. Look at how dark I am. Look at that. Look at the difference.

I gave up trying to get any sort of color my senior year. My senior year, right before my senior prom, I went to a fucking cookout and I took my shirt off and I had on Larry Bird short shorts and just sat in the sun for four hours drinking. And then I remember I had to put my clothes back on and then go to work. And I went to a warehouse and I remember driving over and all of a sudden my torso just felt like you literally could have fried an egg on it. Yeah. And I came in and everybody was looking at me like, dude, what the fuck? And I said, yeah, dude, I think I burned myself. I picked my shirt up and the whole warehouse went, oh.

So this was like, like, I think a week before the prom. So I went through like three, four days of agony. And then by the time the prom came along, I like three four days of agony and then by the time the prom came along I felt so bad for my day dude I was like at night the night before the prom you know when I don't give me that level of sunburn like this but you're in bed you're shivering yeah like that shit I had blisters on my fucking shoulders peeling I mean I look like I look like an old person's foot. So needless to say,

I didn't try to do anything that prom night. But I just drank a lot. I remember that. I drank a lot and I just kind of, I kind of got through the pain, you know?

What Joe Namath used to, you know, used to drink back in the day when his knees were bugging him. Really? Yeah, I watched this great documentary on him on HBO Plus. It's a killer one. It's from like 2012.

So there's some people in there that are no longer with us. And you get like their perspective. But he's really, really open and really talks about his drinking. And, you know know remember that time when he said to that woman on espn i'm so so bad with names um he's like i really want to kiss you when he did that whole thing yeah she was cool as hell they asked her like what did you think she goes i was like i am seeing a really great man in a really bad moment and she goes that's why i never talked about it publicly until now, which I thought was

really cool, sort of old school thing. You know what I mean? If that happened now, they would just, you know, all the feminists would just be all over that being like. Oh, they destroy them. They jump on them. He assaulted her and he needs the, and here's half a sentence from a DM. Yeah.

You look at everyone getting lit up right now. Like, do you see Kaepernick? No, I don't watch that shit because what people, individuals are doing,

what Fox News and CNN are doing, they're taking information and then they're cutting it up like a slice of bread and they're taking out the shit that doesn't have their, you know what I mean? My thing is if somebody's like, hey, like the guy at Barstool Sports, Dave Portnoy, here's the whole email chain. Now, if the other person is just showing me this much, then obviously, considering there's going to gonna be no trial you got to be

like okay well then my guts telling me the person who's going here's all of the shit versus the people going here's some of this shit either way accused or what's the other one oh shit we're camping right now you're camping? yeah we're out in the woods. Yeah. I'm loving the white stubble, dude.

Yeah. Look how good Bobby looks. Bobby, how much weight are you down now? 40. He's got to be. 40. 40 pounds. Congrats, Bobby.

That is so good. Dude, you look the best you've looked in like 12 years. Who's this guy? That's Billy Burr. You know Billy. Jesus, four months off the road and I'm losing all my young fans. I want that as a ringtone. Who's that guy?

Yeah, I'm really going camping. Max, I've literally been to your house and I've met you. Yes, Max. You know Billy. I remember you, but I don't I've met you. Yes, Max. You know Billy. I remember you, but I don't remember you for once. All right. Hang on. Hang on.

I got to take care of that. We were talking about. Yeah. Am I cursing? Sorry. No, no, no. It's all right. Go ahead.

I was trying to describe to Bert how gorgeous your hairdo and how original your hairdo was when I first met you. The corkscrew? All you have to do is YouTube Last Night at Eddie's movie. The opening scene, I pull up on a motorcycle, I take my

helmet off, and I flip my curls, my little corkscrews. Dad! Don't flip the corkscrews. Dad! Don't flip the corkscrews. Yeah. Bobby, you look phenomenal. Thank you, buddy. Thank you.

I'm not going to lie. Last time I saw you, I was like, this guy is going to face plant one day and he's not getting up. So please keep going. Keep going. Don't say that about my cheeky dad. His cheeky dad. Remember that umpire, Bert?

It was really sad. It was warm-ups. And he literally turned around and walked to the backstop and just face-planted and that was it. Yeah. I think the Philly freak had to back up the four-wheeler and throw him on the back and drive was it. Yeah. I think the Philly freak had to back up the four-wheeler and throw him on the back and drive him off. Ah, the Philly freak.

Look at Bobby's backyard. Isn't it amazing? No, this is, I'm camping. I'm in the KLA. Go with the lie, man. I want you to get that celebrity hate.

The acres up in Cold Springs. Louis C.K. lives behind me. Yeah. There behind me. Yeah. There you go. That's Louis over there. My neck's beating. Get out of here. Let me, can you open these for me?

Oh, Bobby, what are those? What are those? Marshmallows. No, Bobby, say it the way you used to say it in your act. I want to hear Bobby say it. Say it the way you used to say it in your act. Marshmallows with hot chopalopolis. You know, I always respected that you kept doing that bit,

even after Patrice was giving you all that shit. Oh, God. Yeah, dude. I will... Next. Hang on. I got to talk to my kid for a sec. Okay.

Why don't you get back to a great weekend with your kid, and we'll go back to our ignorance here. Bobby, go back. Go back and hang out with us. We're in the wilderness, guys. Can we stop the Zoom? Back off. Listen, I got to go hang with the kid.

I love you guys. Marshmallows. I'll see you guys later. I'm not having marshmallows, though. Yeah, eat these. I know, Bobby. You're having marshmallows though. Yeah, eat these. I know, Bobby. You're having marshmallows. Marshmallows.

I love you guys. I'll talk to you later. Bye, buddy. See you. See you, Max. Get out of here. I swear to God I'm going to. What if you just hurt him?

Yeah. Got to happen. He thought he hung up. Who's this guy? That's my, I got to get that. Andrew, can you get that? I want to use that as Bobby's ringtone. Who's this guy?

It's interesting that we have, there's probably some word for it, but we have memories of our friends, of their acts from 20 years ago that never leave us. like little things they did where you go oh I'm never gonna forget that for whatever reason marshmallows or or uh do you know what I don't have one from your act I just have a look that you had what's that and I was like why is he doing that he's not that guy wait what was the look it was when you were with barry cats and barry for some reason was telling all of his clients listen if you want to be taken seriously in this business you need to wear an armani suit everyone all in one of my clients they see on stage you look like

you're on the tonight show and the next thing you know you're doing letterman that's what he said and i went down and i was like yeah I'm not wearing a fucking Armani suit. And I went down and you had on this Joe Pesci silver. I don't know what it was. Men's warehouse trying to be an Armani. And then you had like this Caesar haircut. Yeah. Bangs with the moose.

And I'm like going, this guy is the dude you want to drink within a bar. He's the frat. He's, yeah. I mean, I never thought, you know, he should be shirtless on stage. I mean, you've run the gamut. But that was during the era. And I jumped onto this look.

Do you remember when everybody had, it was this weird time where comedians and agents were dressing the same? You had that electric blue button down with the black fucking slacks, like Hillary Clinton pantsuit slacks in shoes and your hair moosed up. I did that for a good 18 months.

Got nowhere with it. And then we all graduated to the exact same look that we all shot on a special jeans black shoes black shirt black cup button down yeah because that's when people were saying you want your special to be timeless don't do any topical material don't wear stuff that's going to be out of date dude i just went through this whole uh you know cleaning up my office and i went through all of these photos and shit dude i will tell you the worst decade ever for fashion is i'm just speaking for white people here was the 90s oh yeah dude when it went from grunge into the hip-hop, when grunge combined with the hip-hop bagginess,

dude, I have some pictures of me in these giant, like, Linus-looking shirts where, like, this shit here, what is it? This is supposed to be, like, right here, right? The seam? Dude, it was, like, down here. And I was in the best shape of my life. I had abs, and I was walking around

wearing, like, a fucking potato sack. Yeah, the 90s was a bad time for clothing. For me, it was baggy jeans, like the big bell-bottom jeans, like almost like raver jeans. Yeah, those were horrible. All of that shit, you got it down the village, and everybody thought they were so fucking hip.

Yeah, there was a store on the corner of Cornelia and like West 4th, got it down the village and everybody thought they was so fucking hip yeah those stores there was a store on the corner of cornelia and like west fourth that was just like if you i remember i remember one of my buddies came from tallahassee up to visit and he walked in and he was like dude i just bought all new clothes at this place i was like no one shops there fuck uh yeah but he looked like he looked like the man when he went back to Florida. Yeah, he did. He probably got gay-bashed in Tallahassee. I remember

8th Street was the place where I went. Like, whenever I needed the De Niro three-quarter leather jacket. Dude, I had one that had a zip-in lining. The coat weighed like 30 pounds. That's probably why my shoulders are fucked up. All all those years riding in coats trying to reach up and turn the air on wearing that giant coat because I couldn't take it off it was like another person yeah those those coats were the the three

quarter length uh leather coats I still have mine I at Banana Republic. And I remember I put that on and I was like, I finally belong in New York. Like I belong. I put a scarf on. I had gloves. I'm like, I'm a New Yorker. No more Tallahassee. I would have never had this in Tallahassee. I'm here, baby. Yep. Everything that made me unique in New York, I now look like everybody else. I did the same thing. I still have one one it's a really nice one I started wearing it down to the uh the comedy store before all this but over the winter I was wearing it again it almost looks like a suit jacket but it's a jacket it's a black leather

three-quarter um and I was and I was putting it on I was like I like this coat I always ask my wife I'm like can I get away with this And she always does that thing where she squints, kind of looks it up and down. She goes, yeah. And then I have that playing on a loop. And that's why I look like an asshole when I show up. I'm wearing it. I'm trying to be a badass. Dane had good leather coat game for like, in like early 2000s.

Dane's leather coat game was, I was like, he'd show up. I'd be like, God, does he have a fucking motorcycle? Where did he get that jacket? Dane has a sick motorcycle., I was like, he'd show up. I'd be like, God, does he have a fucking motorcycle? Where did he get that jacket? Dane has a sick motorcycle. Does he? Really? Yeah. I didn't know that.

He has one of the best looking, I think it's a Ducati. One of the best I've seen. It's fucking gorgeous. Like, it's one of those things, even if you didn't ride, if you just had it in your garage, you could just sit there and look at it. Oh, I would love to have a motorcycle i would too i'm jonesing for one i want to get like a dirt bike but i just you know i i but then you know i just always think whenever i think about buying investing in a hobby like that it's the amount of

times and then i hear the cats in the cradle and the silver spoon little boy blue and the man in the moon. Wait, tell me about your helicopter ride. I had not flown since January. And then the tragedy with Kobe happened. And then my wife told me to stop flying and shit. So I was like, all right. You know, I was pretty shook up. You're pretty shook up when you see a pilot with that skill level. That happened.

And, you know, months went by and I just missed it, dude. I fucking missed it. And I loved the challenge of it and the tests and staying current. And it was really like it was activating a part of my brain. God knows I only use a small portion of it that I never use. So had a friend of mine who has a friend who has an A star. You want to see it on the poster over here? Yeah, yeah, I'd love to see it. Okay, I'll show you the one here. I got to turn it around. Turn around right now.

Here, Bill, Bill, Bill. Yes. I'll show you this girl. Oh, look at her. Bill, someone turned nine years old yesterday okay oh can almost get into the movies for half price yeah so which one is it all right it is right there that one okay it's like a cop helicopter that's a single this one here is the twin that's a single engine um so i flew that flown this one before but i usually fire that little little rinky dink one right there the 22 occasionally a 44 but i

flew the big boy there and uh i gotta tell you man fucking it was incredible and i have not and i i knew i wasn't gonna fly i was anticipating not even being able to hold a hover because I never fly those things yeah and uh dude it just came right back really I'm not saying I flew I didn't fly you know I'm saying within my skill set I flew great and just from um doing like the instrument stuff and everything I was really cognizant of my altitude. My scan used to be really bad, where if I'd look down to change the radio, I'd go down 200 feet or go up 300, which I know sounds really fucking crazy, but it's... No, it's not. I flew a plane one time, and just the littlest thing like that, all of a sudden you're just in an airplane, I would lose altitude. that all of a sudden you're just in an airplane we would i would lose altitude yeah so with those things i was finding compared what i'm used to flying i i felt like i was flying like this to

maintain a level attitude but it's just and then also with those i love the i love the helicopter but i also found like when i was taxiing with it there's a major blind spot and i heard that those guys sometimes kind of turn it to the side so they can make sure, you know, because it was like fucking jets and stuff. Really? Yeah, like those G-whatevers sitting there. So when we got back to the airport, I said to the guy I was flying, I was like, dude, can you take controls?

I don't, I feel comfortable setting it down here, but he wanted me to get closer to the jets. I was like, yeah, you know, I really don't want to be in a YouTube video. Why don't you, I haven't flown in, you know, five months here. But I had such a great time. I flew out of Van Nuys. Look at that fucking spider flying. I flew out of Van Nuys. So we took off.

I made a left and just got on the 101 like I was going to Hollywood. And after you get out of Van Nuys, you get on with Burbank and then you go to the Coanga Pass. There's like universals like right here and then the Hollywood Bowl and then Capitol Records. Went right out over Silver Lake, Dodger Stadium, downtown LA. Looped around all the skyscrapers like Town Hall down there. It was so cool. And then even though it was a hazy day and then i followed the 10 you stay north of the 10 so you're out of lax's airspace um then just cut diagonally across got on with santa monica even though they were closed just

in case there's anybody in the traffic i'm just going through this so i remember how to do it then over pacific palisades up malibu and then went over the hills and then came back down in Malibu and then went over the hills and then came back down in Calabasas. Up Malibu is where that's my, that, that is so fucking beautiful out there. Yeah. It's weird though. You kind of cut off from, dude, I saw two fucking houses out there, even from Malibu. It was like, what the fuck? When you see them from the air, there was like two like on the giant hill,

like one was here and one was here. And their yards, like they had like a legit hole of golf it looked like. God. And then they had like, you know, I don't know. I like the old style shit, you know. Yeah, no, I'll tell you what I want. Can I even tell you about this here in my office? It has a bathroom in there with like a stand-up shower. And my brother came out to visit.

So he walks into the house and he's like, he goes, Bill, the hot water is not working. And I'm like, what the fuck? I was like, all right, I got to get that fixed. So I had to come inside and use our bathroom, right? So I had a guy fucking come in here and he goes, all right. Half hour, comes back to the house he goes not only is the hot water not working it's not even hooked up there's no hot water line out here it's like what the fuck he said they put like the they put the handle it was

like a dummy handle you turn it all you want like no water's coming out really so uh yeah so i had to put a hot water uh i think i had to put a hot water heater into this part i can't even i've spent so much fucking money on this house i'll never get it back i like see i like your your house i mean your house is beautiful i like that style i also like those malibu i wish like my dream house would be one of those houses where your house is up here, you walk down, and the pool is in the backyard, and it's just a square. It's like a rectangle, simple rectangle,

with coping and grass everywhere, with, like, tall trees on the side. Like, that kind of look that you know. It's almost like old-school estate look. Ha. Ha. You know, it's got a great pool.

Is that old, uh, Cecil B. DeMille house. Dean Del Rey got me into like houses and shit. Yeah. And, uh,

and he, he likes everything from, I always want to call the guy, uh, L Ron Hubbard. I know it's not that he's the, the architect. Uh, Frank Lloyd Wright. Yeah. I used to live not that. He's the architect. Frank Lloyd Wright.

Yeah. I used to live next door to the Frank Lloyd Wright house. Yeah, he found like, when we were in Iowa together, he goes, dude, we got to leave this hotel. We're in the middle of fucking Iowa.

He goes, there's a Frank Lloyd Wright hotel down the way. And I'm like, really? He goes, dude, I'm telling you, it's incredible.

So I was like, all right, let's stay down there. Dude, and I went down the bar, got hammered down there i thought like i didn't know who i thought was gonna come walking in like like the legends of hollywood and they were gonna be like when they were young come walking in it was incredible although this guy did talk my ear off and i was shit-faced too and he was annoying you know when you're fucking hammered and somebody's still

annoying you that's like that's an amazing thing for me because I'm a happy drunk. And I was about eight or nine in. And I was still like, this guy is fucking, this guy is a chatty catty here. Just let me enjoy my drink. So I like the Mediterranean style houses out here just because we never had anything like that back east. And other than that, I do like the um the craftsman's houses and then other than that i like the super modern just those ridiculous looking fucking they're all like glass but there's a you know just like this hacky comedy um there's like hacky architecture yeah like every like me

and my wife watch those architecture shows, and they're always doing the big, stupid, standalone bathroom. I mean, bathtub right next to a giant window. Yeah. Like you want to be showering in front of your neighbors. Like every single penthouse I've seen that. Who'd you just nod to? I thought you were quarantined by yourself.

No, my crew's here. Oh. Yeah, we you were quarantined by yourself. No, my crew's here. Oh. Yeah, we're all quarantined together. The Bill Burt Podcast is sponsored by Heath. Heath Bar. Yeah, we had the tour bus at the house, and we're living in the tour bus for just a day or two, just to make sure that we don't, like,

make sure there's no residual symptoms, and then we're bouncing. There you go. Some people left already, but most of us was here. That's awesome. And how did the tour go? It was out of this world, Bill. I got to be honest with you.

Probably the coolest thing I've ever done in my career. It made me feel like a legit rock star. You travel with three tour buses. So you had my tour bus, a tour bus for the crew, and then a semi that dragged the stage with us. So we get there. How did you make any money? You do. You do.

Not a ton of money, but you make money. And for me... I heard how much money you made with the second you do. You go, uh, you do. You do. So... It went down so what happens is uh you go in they build the stage morning of and then they set up a three camera shoot and then they shoot that on a 90 by 90 foot screen above the stage so everyone's in their car they're watching the screen but they

can see you so it's kind of like when you go and do those big venues where they put the screens up and people watch the screens regardless. But it was amazing, Bill. And I think what was amazing about it was being able to let everyone get out of their house, let everyone know that they're going to be safe. Their safety was up to them. They had an area that was designated for them in their car. If they wanted to tailgate in front or behind, they could. They could keep socially distanced. They could wear a mask. And it was amazing.

They'd open doors at 7, and people would start piling in. Show starts at 9. So there's two hours where people are smoking meats, grilling burgers. They come in in a pickup truck and have it filled with water. In the back, they'd be in the pool. They're throwing the football. They're playing cornhole. They're drinking booze then it sounds like the opium anthony tour to me dude it was it was the sun would set and as soon as the sun set people start getting ramped

up and then the show starts and the shows were awesome i think people were so appreciative of of of maybe not it not being a big money grab, but letting people go out and get outdoors and live a little bit this summer. Well, that's good to hear because the reason why I haven't done any shows is I don't want to get people sick. Yeah.

You know, because you could literally do a show and because you did a show, somebody loses their grandparents or somebody with asthma or something it's like I don't I don't want to you know well there's probably nuts but I don't want to I don't want to kill anybody I'll tell you this we did some club shows and some were done right and some were done wrong and you would have to go in to the club and be like hey I'm not comfortable with this I need you to like we went into I'll tell you what, who did it perfect. I mean, a lot of places did it perfect,

but Leisha in Des Moines did a soft opening to try to test out social distancing and did it perfectly. They removed all the tables and then they spotted tables like socially distant throughout the room. And it was fucking, I mean, perfect. Everyone was at least 10 feet away from the other person.

And so places are doing it right. They really are. Places, other places are, you know, it's tough because state to state, everyone kind of has their own state's version of what they believe safety is. So the states that are hotspots are hotspots for a reason. And people are going to bars and they're hanging out in bars. And, you know, despite even social distancing, some people would just move. They'd sit down and they'd go out in bars. And, you know, despite even social distancing, some people would just move. They'd sit down and they'd go, ah, let's get closer to the stage, you know?

And so you can't really dictate how an American should live to an American. And that's why I think if I go out, I'm not going to do clubs again. I'm just going to do these drive-in movie theaters because the drive-in movie theaters were fucking safe and they were great shows. Like 100% then at the end standing ovation everyone gets in their cars and starts flicking their high beams at you and beeping their horns it was like you

were getting abducted by fucking aliens standing on the stage everyone's losing their mind they're playing black betty from ram jam everyone's fl them. And then I get in a golf cart, stand on the back, get a cocktail, shirt off. And while everyone sat in traffic to exit, we just drive by the cars and wave everyone and thank them. It was such a great experience. Oh, wow, dude. You went above and beyond. That's awesome, man.

Well, you know, for me, it was like, I didn't think I was going to make any money. I made money, but I didn't think I was going to make much money. I wanted to film it. But more importantly, I knew that i got to a certain time in this quarantine where i was like i want to fucking do something man like i'm tired of this i want to go see a band like if they put a band up at a drive-in movie theater i'd be there tomorrow if if i i wanted i would love to get more of my friends and do a closeout end of summer festival like just one show I got a little kid out obviously he got a son who's only a month old there's a drive-in movie theater where Tarantino shot um um once upon a time in Hollywood there's one east of of uh

downtown LA yeah and I've always wanted to go to know, if you ever wanted to do a show out there, you know, and then that's also one that you could, you could turn that into a benefit, help some people out, small businesses or something like that. Because we could just drive out there and then come right back. It literally is.

It literally is. It's going to cost you gas money. Zero contact. The whole crew is in masks and gloves the crew backstage you you go on stage and when you get off they go up they grab your mic pull it they wipe a brand new mic put a brand new mic up for you it is the safest i've ever felt that's amazing yeah the safest i've ever felt and i and i i texted like i've been texting with a bunch of people that have been curious about how these are going.

And because I think other people would like to do them. It's just very expensive. Like, you've got to be, it's a tough ticket sell, you know. So. Listen, if you can do something for people that's positive, you know, I think that's a great thing. My thing is I just have to be home for the first three months here. Yeah. Once Junior's sleeping through the night, which last night we had a great night no he was he was up uh 10 to 12 he's been rough and then like you know it's fucked was like he fell asleep at

midnight and i'm like i should go to sleep and i couldn't sleep i'm fucking on my phone at like one in the morning you you know, just looking at shit. And then I finally fell asleep. And then he woke up at like 3.30. My wife breastfed him. And then it was, you know, it's my job to change him and then get him back to sleep. So I was like, all right. And he just wouldn't go back to sleep. And then he just farted and I thought he pooped. So I went to take the thing off, and there was no poop in there. So then that woke him up again, and I was like, fuck, and I'm back on the exercise ball doing this shit,

and then he just fucking, and I'm like, oh, fuck. So that was like from like four to about ten after five, but then once he went down, because I it down like what i do is i bounce up and down like this and then i slow the bounce down then i start doing like a rock like this okay and then one of the rocks becomes the stand up oh i remember that and the rock becomes the stand up and then i brought him over to the thing. And I just was like, I was just like, I am just setting him down. Like I would set down something that I like. An inanimate object.

Because I feel like if you go like, and you do that, you somehow roll their head. There's something they're going to wake up. I just went over. I just, boom, set him down, took my hands out. That was it. And I just stood there for like five seconds. Did a little, like I can write the bed right and I was in bed and I slept till like somewhere between seven and eight my daughter was just going dad dad I just I was like I can't

I just can't I just can't. All right, everybody. Manscaped. Fellas, are you prepared to unveil your summer bod? Manscaped is here to ensure that your post-quarantine body is ready for the wild. Don't be the guy at the beach with a bear rug on your chest. And if you grew some quarantine man tits, the least you can do is make sure they're hairless. Manscaped is dedicated to helping you level up your body full. Fuck, I suck at reading. They're helping you level up your full body grooming game. Dude, that was such a great joke with the man tits and I blew it.

I'll never host an award show. They have forever changed the grooming game with their Perfect Package 3.0. What is that, you ask, Bert? What is it? Yeah, the Perfect Package 3.0 kit comes with the essential Lawn Mower 3.0 waterproof cordless body trimmer and a ton of other liquid formulations to round out your manscaping routine. This is the best trimmer on the market for those of formulations to round out your manscaping routine.

This is the best trimmer on the market for those of you in need of a chest shave. This third generation trimmer features skin safe technology to reduce manscaping accidents. Don't give yourself an accidental nipple piercing. Jesus. You can also adjust settings to get the length you like and you can stay on top of it all with almost no effort at all they also just launched uh in canada oh great for a canadian yeah with your frozen man tits up there you can carve a fucking maple leaf right in your chest uh without using the right okay if you've gone years without using the right tools for the job you can be one of the

first canadians to experience their life-changing. Be sure to use their crop cleanser to keep your hair and skin healthy. It's an all-in-one formula, so it's as good for healthy chest hair as it is for your skin. Inside the perfect package, you'll also find the Manscaped Crop Preserver, an anti-chafing ball deodorant, and moisturizer. Your balls will be gleaming because we know how painful chafing can be when you're wearing your bathing suit all day. I've got a bit about that. Huh? I've got a bit about that in my new hour.

I was just thinking about you running that marathon. Oh, yeah. That salve on your balls. You'll also find the crop reviver a testy toner that's designed to give you a pep in your step i like that i like that too subscribe to the perfect package and get a new blade refill for your lawnmower trimmer delivered in you uh to your door every three months. Oh, God, this is like a class I know I'm not going to pass. It's still going.

Fuck. Subscribe to the perfect package and get a new blade refill for your lawn mower trimmer delivered to your door every three months. For a limited time, subscribers get two free gifts, the Shed Travel Bag, a $39 value, and the patented high-performance reduced chafing manscape boxer briefs get 20% off plus free shipping with the coded with the code bill burt here at manscape.com andrew is here part of the code no it shouldn't be. So it's Bill Burt, all capitals, at manscaped.com. Do yourself a favor and always use the right tool for the job. Get 20% off and free shipping with the code BillBurt at manscaped.com. That's 20% off with free shipping at manscaped.com

and use the code BillBurt. Trim your chesticles with the besticles. All right. I got through it. I remember Louis C.K. expressed the moment. He was defining the moment from when you put your second child in the car seat and you shut the door. He goes, that moment from shutting the door to getting to the driver's car, that's my vacation. It was such a great, like, observation. I remember going like,

oh, my God, that's exact... Like, that little moment of freedom you have where you're like, I don't have to deal with anyone for, like, fucking five seconds until I get in this car. You know what? I've realized that what being a really good husband and a father is, is, um... sort of embracing the comedy of your existence where it's like,

I don't know how to put it in words, like without pissing fucking women off, but it really is like you have to kind of, like your emotions don't mean anything to anybody. Your kids don't care. The woman in your life isn't going to care. Like, and their emotions are priority. You got to keep your wife happy and you got to keep your kids happy.

And it's just like, you know, like just, just as far as like when people call up and they check in, how's the kids? How's your wife doing? Oh, God bless her. God bless. Oh, Jesus. How's your kids? Oh, they're so cute. And there's going to be, no one's going to check in with you. And as far as like that joke, your vacation, my thing with that is I just talked to other dads and you know, you just start to tell that story and you just laugh. You just start laughing. You just start fucking laughing at the,

uh, you're almost, it's, it's this weird thing where everyone knows where you are, but you're also invisible. Yeah. It's fucked. It's really fucked.

So you have to be like, I kind of, I figured it out like a couple of days ago and I was just like, no, this is what it is. And this is the way it's have to be like i kind of i figured it out like a couple of days ago and i was just like no this is what it is and this is the way it's supposed to be because this is the only way it works so man the fuck up you know go make yourself a root beer float or something if you're feeling sad they're freckles but like i really i'm telling you that is like that's that's that's what it is kids are gonna jump on you they don't give a fuck you're just like a giant like uh like a bouncy house to them and then to everybody else it's just good you're gonna be like an employee yeah could you

go get this could you pick this up i had to explain to my daughters that uh i'm home but i can't come home and they're you know they're in high school they they get it but they're so used to me being a martyr about things like that that they're like oh dad just it's okay dad we want you to come home i go no no i'm and then they drove over last night and they're sitting in the car and they're like shocked that i'm staying distant. And because I was waiting for the test results 100 percent. We got them this morning at like eight in the morning. But I'm sitting distance from the car.

I'm like, I'm gonna be in the bus for a couple of days. I hope we're going to hang out here. And they're like, Dad, you're being poo poo pants. And I go, no, stop. I go, this is what a responsible dad does. And I was like, oh, shit, I responsible dad does and I was like oh shit I'm being responsible I was like Leanne give me credit for this and Leanne Leanne talked to them about it and they were like so wait he really is making sure that we don't get sick and Leanne's like

100% if he had come home before his test results were in he would have no clue and it would be irresponsible yeah being a dad and a husband you're the left tackle that's what it is you're just protecting the blind side and only like total fucking football nerds know the name of the left tackle on the team but everybody knows the quarterbacks and the receivers that's basic even a defensive lineman makes a sack and gets to do a dance yeah oh we're gassed to know do you ever see the video of mark gastineau jumping from the top makes a sack and gets to do a dance. Yeah. Mark Gastineau. Did you ever see the video of Mark Gastineau jumping from the top of his second story house into his pool and diving in it?

He went head first? Head first off the second story of his house into his fucking pool. How deep is it? I have no idea. That guy weighs like 250, 260. And he is in like a pair of short shorts and just and it i mean i was like oh he's gonna break his fucking neck yeah that's a big thing in florida right yo yeah look big thing in florida you go out in a boat it's always feet first feet first

first time and so you go out in a boat and everyone's drinking you're diving off then you guys have a few more beers you don't know this but and everyone's drinking you're diving off then you guys have a few more beers you don't know this but the tide's lowered and all of a sudden now what was 10 feet of water is now four feet of water and you dive in and you break your fucking neck you never never feet first first time every time we were just on wait a minute about that you went feet first but then the tide went down feet first every time you get in the water feet first first time jump in feet first man is there a thing if you're on a boat if a certain amount of time has gone by feet first who are you in the fucking no they're unloading they're unloading the bus

and so they're coming in and out unloading the bus i'm just seeing you know like share has a rack of clothes like a wardrobe I'm just seeing, you know, like Cher has a rack of clothes, like a wardrobe. I'm just picturing you with all these different like Hawaiian tank tops. Five of them. I had five Hawaiian shirts. I had a couple of visors, some sun hats, and then Bill, my big purchase, my new favorite thing are these short shorts. I don't know if you can see them i don't know if i want to see them oh god like do you remember those latino boxer used to wear those the macho man

macho camacho he used to macho camacho he said it was like yeah i love him bill they're like do you remember dolphin running shorts when we were kids? I try to stay away from shorts. How white my legs are. Oh, I love them. I'm wearing these every day. Yesterday, we went to, no, day before yesterday, to close the tour out to, like, celebrate. We got a party.

You're dressed like an old white woman playing slots. I got my mask on. All you need is the cigarette going and like a fucking Miller High Life, whatever you drink. I'm this close to drinking a beer, Bill. I'm going back on the wagon tomorrow. I'm this close to drinking a beer.

Oh, that's good though. Let me live vicariously through you. What were you drinking while you were out there? So we only had like three days off so i'd take a double tito's on stage with me a double tito's and soda on stage with me in a big glass crushed crushed driving movie theater ice crushed the like popcorn ice oh bill fucking filled it all the way to the top right tito's halfway soda water to halfway, and freeze would go on the outside of the glass from the dew in the night air. It was such a great drink.

I have a double Tito's stage. Right when I started, I'd do an hour of new material. I saw that dirty dancing. That was very romantic. I'd do an hour of material, and then I'd go, all right, what stories do you guys want to hear? And I'd tell two stories, usually flying dildos in the machine. And that's when I'd start drinking my drink. Get off stage. I'd have another one waiting for me. We'd go in the back of the

golf cart, have drinks as you go around and say hi to everyone in their cars. When everyone's in their cars, you just drive by five feet away. Thank you for coming. Get back to the tour bus. Now everyone's in the tour bus, right? Everyone's in the tour bus right everyone's in the tour bus we got two hours till we leave and that's when you start putting back pops like oh and then i'd have maybe another double t to the soda and then i go to be right aren't you paying overages yeah no we just have we had it so that he drove every night so he was sleeping during the day oh okay so we had stuff to do during the day we We went rafting down the Rio Grande. We drove race cars. We did a bunch of really cool shit but we had a producer in Denver who would call ahead and make sure that everything was distant. So if we rolled into a place everything was clean.

Everything was no one was there. It was ours entirely. So I paid a little extra to make sure that everyone was safe because i realized we didn't have an out plan if someone got sick like if someone got sick the whole bus was getting sick and we're all getting coronavirus so i just said i'm gonna pay someone in denver to be kind of like four steps ahead of us everywhere we went and then so whether it was hotel rooms or activities everything was all set up, set aside for us. We'd just walk in, no contact, do it, and then bail out. It was really fucking...

I don't know who your tour manager is, but they crushed it. Oh, yeah. I had two on this tour. One on hands and one in Denver. But we went to Lake Sand Hollow yesterday, two days ago. To the end of the tour, I said, we have a day off, and we were waiting for our test results to come in, so we didn't want to go home.

So I said, let's all go. We'll get a pontoon boat. We'll be socially distanced. We'll be in the center of a lake. We don't have to deal with anyone. Bill, it was one of the most beautiful days I've ever had. Oh, my God. You know who I want to do a tour?

I want to do a run with you, me, Joe Bartnick, and Paul ever had. Oh my God. You know who I want to do a tour? I want to do a run with you, me, Joe Bartnik and Paul Verzi. Oh, let, and let me plan the tour. Like, let me plan all the extracurriculars because we did everything.

I mean, we had so much fucking fun. It was like just on the road trip, just like you roll into a city. And then our, my girl, my, my producer Stacy in,

in Denver would be like, all right, I got four activities for you guys to do. You guys want to do any of these activities? If not, hang out at the drive-in. There are some days, you know, you get to the drive-in a little late and you just run five miles, take the hose, wash off. Oh, it's fucking out of this world. It was so much fun.

And you know what's crazy, Bill? I don't like talking about this shit too much but to hear like all the guys on the crew individually at certain times go hey man thanks for getting me back to work i've been not working this whole summer this is going to help like those little things where you're like you're like fucking pump money back into the economy help people keep their shit i do i'd tour like that the whole the rest of the year if if if I could well let's try to do a uh we'll do a big show in LA so I'm just nervous too because I haven't done stand-up since March I'm just I don't feel like going to a just bombing I want

to make sure I do a good job I have to pace around my garage trying to remember how my act went we'll get you know what we'll do I'll? I'll get the drive-in movie theater out here and I'll get all of us out there. And we'll each do like 15 minutes. We'll give all the money to a charity and it'll be a fucking... Dude, I'm telling you, when you're getting ready to go on stage and the sun's setting and you're seeing people out in their car and they got their seats out and their hoods up and they're sitting in the back of their trucks, you see smoke coming up, people are playing wiffle ball you're just like this is america man this is like i got so so emotional like something that's usually painted on the

side of a van the dues on top of your drink dude it was so awesome it was so awesome i i'm i'm like i'm glad to be home. I'm very glad we're safe. Like, it was tough, like, right towards the end where you start. Like, we were in Fort Collins, and we went water skiing for the day. And wake surfing. So we get a surfboard, and you get behind the wake, and you surf on the wake. It was funny shit.

We went out late night, drunk as fuck, and a thunderstorm came in. Lightning striking the water. We're like, oh, it was out of this world. Dude, you just kind of live a bachelor party, I feel like. Oh, yeah. I went all out. That's why this wasn't a very prosperous tour. Yeah, but you had to have fun.

I'm going to send you a – I've got to show you this. I've got to show you something that I'd seen before and had not looked at in a while. Like, remember I was telling, I think it was Rogan. I was saying how I like weird shit.

You want to see something fucking cool as hell. Yeah. I'll pick this one here. What fucking cool is that thing? Oh, that is fucking awesome. See that? Yeah.

Is that a Volkswagen? No, it's a Jeep. It's like a 19 that's 1961 that's actually says willie's fc which meant like forward control basically means you're sitting over the engine holy shit i would not want to hit a fucking tree in that thing but i would imagine that that thing was like three on the column that looks like the funnest little fucking thing like when i when i see something like that that makes me wish i didn't live in la i lived in the middle of nowhere and had some property and i could just drive around in that thing just fucking around but i know after a while i would go insane um i think if you grew up in the country you like the country country. If you grew up in a more city, you like the city.

I want to live on the beach. Are you going to move out to Malibu and I'm never going to see you again, you son of a bitch? After this divorce, I mean, whenever it happens, who knows? How much money do you have that you go, after my divorce, I'm moving to Malibu? What, that fucking trailer park? There's a trailer park out there.

In my tour bus. I'm going to move my tour bus out there. Dude, I couldn't leave Leanne. I don't even know the, my credit cards got frozen, Bill, because I was traveling. And so I called Leanne. I'm in a Target trying to buy a boom box type thing

so we can have it on the boat. When I call Leanne, I'm like, hey, my credit cards credit cards are frozen she goes just call them and unfreeze them I go yeah I don't know how to do that she goes are you being serious I said well I don't know just can you do it for me and she goes yeah I can do it for you but don't ever fucking forget this I was like oh yeah if I left my wife I'd be standing in the front yard with my new girlfriend going can you unlock our credit cards well you know what happened was all the charges that you had it was so fucking random like you're buying coolers and tequila and fucking you know like all this fun shit they're probably like going what the fuck is this guy who lives in la whitewater rafton or whatever the fuck you

were doing on the rio grande that's the one thing we didn't spend any money on was booze they was it sponsored no so many so many breweries hit me up 85 south i think it was 85 south no that's a podcast i like 85 is a brewery in south carolina they're like just dropped off pallets of beer they everywhere we went someone was a micro brewer who dropped off pallets of beer and then every venue you'd have you get a bottle of titos and and then and then they bring in buffalo tray sent some nice whiskeys and everyone just kind of like sent in stuff and then i got like a pound of marijuana in colorado oh yeah oh i got these joints that are one feet long like they just gave me like you go there and i think everyone was so excited that you were coming to, like, their drive-in or just, like, everyone was so excited they'd just come in

and just drop off tons of, like, gifts, and it was out of this world. I mean, barbecue, people dropped off barbecue. It was out of this world. It was really fun. What's your favorite beer you never heard of that someone brought to you? Um, oh, good? Oh, good.

Oh, good. This beer is so fun. It's called, I'm going to find out. Give me a second. I got one for you. I was in Australia. There's a beer out there called Little Creatures. The first time I went there, I had one.

It was fucking delicious. And then the next time I went there, I was out in Perth in their brewery. I think their main brewery is out in Perth. And after I visited the Bon Scott statue in his grave, he's buried out in Perth. I went over there and had a show and I was like, I'm just going to have one.

And like three later, I was looking at my wife going, all right, I got to get out of here because I'm going to fuck this show up tonight. But it was... Dave, what's the beer that we love, the good vibrations? The one from Hawthorne, the one that I brought? Yeah, what was that one? It's Food Fight Hazy ipa from common space common

space common space dude this it's in hawthorne california right yeah yeah i can send you a case if you want it is bill this beer is so fucking good i got really into ipas i didn't because i was afraid i was getting coronavirus and i wanted to make sure I sold my sense of taste. But yeah, what's the name of it? Say it again. When I'm cooking. It's pretty new. They just came out a couple months ago.

Some common space brewery in Hawthorne, California. Fucking awesome. All right. I'll call you later. Okay. Yeah. I've never been in like Cleveland around Christmas time and they had that

Christmas ale. No, that's another really good one. And they only make it, it's like, you know, Sam Adams will have like summer ale during the summer. They do the same thing. It's some sort of Christmas ale. I actually tried to get a case of it sent to me

when we were going to the Rose Bowl because Jay Lawhead's our cook on that day. Yeah, wait, so Jay, so Lawhead- And Lawhead's from Cleveland, so I was going to surprise him with like a rack of that shit. He'd be like, oh, you've got to be kidding me. Yeah. What's his face?

Nick Costas from Hilarities was trying to work it out. I don't know if you know him. He's like, yeah, I mean- Of course, I love Nick. I love Nick. He's with the, you know, the going over the state with the liquor laws. I mean, you can't do it. That guy, man.

Yeah, he's a great guy, man. I love him. He was still punching people out at like fucking 70. I remember I did a week there, and I was asking him, you know, because the club was just getting going. Dude, that's one place I could have made so much fucking money. When he opened up Hilarity's, I was there in like 04. He was the only thing on the block.

And like they used to have like a security guy walk you over to Euclid Ave or whatever it was over to the hotel. And it was like, it looked like Escape from New York. There was nobody down there. And I remember looking at the apartment building right across from it going, like, if I had any fucking money i would buy this yeah i was seeing all these rust belt uh towns were starting to come back and pittsburgh was sort of leading it i felt as far as just like all of a sudden all this tech industry came in there and revitalized the downtown and of course

now you go there it looks like the fucking bullwinkle show on that street but anyway i, I was like, you know, so I was asking him, how's it going? He goes, you know, yeah, it's been good. I had a little problem with, you know, this, you know, I had a little problem the other night. Whatever. He just sort of glazed over it. And then Lawhead told me the story. Some fucking guy wouldn't move his car or some shit like that. And then, you know, he stepped to him and the guy made the mistake of taking a swing at him.

And the guy was like in his prime of his life, like in his 20s. And I guess Nick had no problem handling him. And I always thought that that would be a great movie. Because true tough guys never really say what they did. You do that. And then you smash cut to him just fucking beating the shit out of this guy. And then coming back to him. Because he's always dressed like really, you know, old school gentleman type of thing.

I remember being at that club. It was probably the last time I was there. And I was working with a couple younger men, male comics. And maybe it was the second time. Sounds like a Me Too story. And what's that? It sounds like a Me Too story and i had my shirt off it was a couple young males in there and uh no nick uh was hanging out after the show

and it's my favorite is when you get i get to hang out with a guy like that and then just talk about the business and talk about like what it was like and what it's like looking at like all the futures and just talk comedy and i remember one of the young comics was like hey i'm gonna i'm gonna we're all sitting with Nick. And he goes, I'm gonna get up. I'm gonna go try to see if I can get these chicks to go back to the hotel room with me. And I remember thinking,

I remember thinking, you'll never make it in comedy. Like you don't care about this. Like this is so much more important than pussy. Hanging out with Nick and getting him to talk comedy and tell you just like the littlest things. I hung on every one of his words. I'm so much more fascinated by that than fucking any put. Like I was like,

Oh, you're missing it. Like this. I bet. I got to tell you this though. You know, there's a little bar there. Yeah.

I have to tell you this story. I'm, I'm fucking senile. Now I met two amazing women. There was after the show. I think I was signing dvds yeah it was like the late 2000s so I'm hanging with Nick and he's telling stories or whatever and these two women come up to say hello I'm like hey how's it going and they they were you know what's up blah blah I said you know the usual I goes what do you guys do here what do you guys do

here in Cleveland and they go, we're gold diggers. And I was like, what? And they both laughed. They go, we're gold diggers. So this is what basically there was nothing going on in Cleveland. And I was just going like, all right, with all due respect for Cleveland, Ohio, where are you digging for gold out here? And, dude, they broke down the whole game.

Like I took their number. I was doing this show with Joe DeRosa, Uninformed. These are the two lost guests. And there was one guy in San Francisco, an Asian cab driver with the most severe Southern accent I ever heard. He's like, hey, people out here, I can't believe it. He sounded like Don Knotts. And he was like Japanese. He was just born innotts. And he was like Japanese. He was

just born in the South. And I was like, oh my God, I got to get this guy. But you know, Opie and Anthony, I think, I don't know what, I don't know what the fuck happened. But, and then there was these two. So they broke down the whole game. I said, so where do you meet these guys? Like, I want to hear how this whole thing works. She goes, well, you know, we go to steakhouses. And I'm like, of course, that's where old guys with money, you know we go to steakhouses and i'm like of course that's where old guys with money you know that's the perfect you know age gap or whatever they got you know you're not going to fucking wendy's they go to a steakhouse and then the next move was uh somehow they would go to a cavaliers game and these guys would try to impress them so they would sit down

courtside and she goes then when you're at game, you're trying to make eye contact with the player. So they're trying to use them to get to the next thing. And then they had all of these rules. go to the bathroom at the same time because she has to watch your drink and she goes it would be usually about the third quarter when the guys would realize we weren't going home with them because they would drive separately to the to gundarin like they broke dude when i tell you i sat there for like 90 minutes like and i was like would you guys want to do radio would you want to come and we we just had like no budget and it was the usual thing i got their business card and then by the time i got back i had no fucking idea where it was yeah it was unreal i went i went to after a dc improv show these two lesbians uh were hanging out partying and they're like at late night and they're like hey we're gonna go to a strip club

you want to go to strip club with us and i was like fuck yeah let's go to strip club so like awesome so we go to the strip club around the corner my opening act was a young lady at the time is still a young lady but uh she was gonna go and then she bailed and I was like okay then I'll just go with them and we get there and they know I'm married and they gave me a drink and I go to put it to my lips. And I thought, I bet I'm getting rolled. I bet these two women are going to, they brought the drink over. I sat down and they brought the drink and handed it to me. And as I went to take a sip, I went, this is how it happens. This is how you get drugged and brought back to a hotel room and robbed.

And I was like, Oh, and I was like, I'm not, I'm obviously not trying to have sex with anyone and i was like oh and i was like i'm not i'm obviously not trying to have sex with anyone i was like that's okay so i go up to the bar did you take a big sip or did you just say i go i'm gonna go to the bathroom i go up to the bar i hand the drink to the bartender i said hey will you pour me the exact same drink same glass just get rid of this one and he was like what happened and i said i didn't someone gave it to me i don't want to want it and he went oh yeah no charge gives it to me tip him come back have the drink and they're totally cool and we get another round I get another round and then they look at me and they go uh

hey you want to just go back and fuck us and I'm like ladies this is more than worth even just the fact that I get to tell my friends that this happened Thank you so much got up and I walked to my hotel room Wow Bill I walked out and I just started calling people on the street walking down through DC going, okay You're never gonna believe it just happened. I called my wife I was like these two lesbians wanted to have sex with me She was like she was like they were gonna drug you and steal your shit. Oh She was like, they were going to drug you and steal your shit.

Can they ever give it up? They just want to be like, honey, what did you ever see in me? They just can't fucking, they just. It's because they love you, though, dude. Yeah. They can't have you walking around feeling good about yourself you'll be putting off this vibe and you're going to attract something so they gotta have they gotta keep you they just can't they just can't fucking give it up i got in bed that night and i thought this is so such a dork thought thought to have but i thought i am happier

that i have a wife that i can call out of a strip club and say two lesbians wanted to have but I thought I am happier that I have a wife that I can call out of a strip club and say two lesbians wanted to have sex with me and then me and her laugh about it she was like honey they were gonna drug you and steal your shit I'm happier that I have that than if I had had sex with two lesbians after a strip club like that means more to me that I got this partner where I can be like yo yo, these two chicks want to fuck me. And that's my wife. I was laying in bed giggling.

Ah, yes. Yes, the old days on the road back when you could fucking be out there. This is making me want to do, there's a bunch of places that, you know, if it didn't involve me being on a fucking plane, like, how did you get out there? See, like, I would love to go do a run at fucking Hilarities, but it's just like, I don't know. That's an inside gig. And then it's also like, I'm going to sit on a fucking airplane with 300 other people because, you know, they're going to jam you in there. Yeah, no, tour bus.

I took the tour bus from L.A. all the way up to North Carolina, all the way back. North Carolina, all the way back. North Carolina? Wait, you drove a tour bus from here to North Carolina? Yep. And back? And back. All right, so you gigged on the way out. Gigged on the way out, all the way.

Stand-up live in Phoenix, Las Cruces, New Mexico, San Antonio. I had to say that and I'm breaking bad. Yeah? I'm freaking out because I didn't know how to say it. It's an interesting city in the middle of – Right across from El Paso? Well, it's halfway between like Phoenix and San Antonio. So it's one of the stops.

When you hit across, you always kind of go New Orleans, San Antonio, Las Cruces, Phoenix, and then home. Or I think we can go Las Cruces all the way to L.A. I thought that's in New Mexico. Yeah, it is. You're saying you go Phoenix, San Antonio, and then back? No, no, no. We went Phoenix, Las Cruces, San Antonio, New Orleans, Birmingham. So you just took the 10 the whole way?

Yeah, we just drove across and then up into Alabama, then into North Carolina, into Charlotte, then Greensboro, South Carolina. Then from Greensboro, we went to Indianapolis, then to Tulsa, then to Oklahoma City, and then to Fort Collins, and then Fort Collins to Salt Lake City, and then to Fort Collins, and then Fort Collins to Salt Lake City, Salt Lake City to Hurricane Utah, and then Hurricane Utah to LA. Hurricane Utah is the only one I never did.

That's a great name for a city. That's where that place, we took the riverboat out, we took the pontoon boat out. I posted a video. I got in the middle of the lake right swam out to the middle of the lake by myself beer in hand don't do that we took the drone i grew up in florida i can swim really good took the drone down i know nobody drowns in florida go ahead say they take the drone down from like five feet above the water and i said uh happy fourth of july america stays socially distant and then they just shoot the drone up like a thousand feet and you see that there is no one around me i'm in the middle of a lake and then we shoot up to the mountain scene in utah fucking gorgeous fucking that's that's a

cool shot man i'm glad you made it out alive taught jesus trejo how to swim can he swim now he can swim now. He's not the best, obviously, but he was in the pool swimming. We were at a truck stop in New Orleans, and he learned how to swim. Not the best. And then yesterday, two days ago, he jumped off a cliff with a life preserver on, jumped off a cliff into the water, popped up. I mean, he wears goggles and a snorkel when he swims

because he likes to see what's below him but yeah it was great dude no that's that's that's good instincts I don't mind a lake I fucking hate I will not swim in the ocean I just will not do that these these lakes the lakes in Utah are amazing because they're I think they're kind of man-made and so there's no like predators in them so you can just swim out in the locals threw dynamite in there to fish and so there's no like predators in them so you can just swim out in the locals threw dynamite in there to fish and now there's nothing left yeah i don't think there's any no that's not really mormon like you know when i was flying up uh the coast on malibu i didn't the other instructor instructor pointed out he goes look at that riptide i actually saw what it looked like

from the air oh yeah yeah dude and it was so fucking wide you know they go oh yeah it's pulling me out to sea so i just kind of do the side stroke underwater to get out of this fucking thing dude this thing looked like it was like 50 yards wide it is side stroke well by the time you got out of it like it was good to see it over top so it's like yeah if you swam up the coaster down eventually you would be out of it. But how far out would you be? And then when you're in it, how can you tell that you're not swimming back into it? It's just – You don't even realize you're in it.

I've been in a riptide a couple times, and you don't realize you're in it until all – like literally all of a sudden you're like, holy shit, I'm like 100 yards from the beach. And you're like, oh, shit. And there's an automatic panic that goes in. And then you're like, all right, calm down. Let's just swim sideways. And we're just going to swim sideways for a long time. And then we're going to tread water.

And we're going to come in slowly on our back. If you do it on your back, that's the number one thing, people. It's so much easier to swim on your back, like to get on your back and just swim and just swim. Because when you're on your front, especially with waves, open water, you have water splashing in your face. It can kind of freak you out. Dude, it's terrifying. Yeah, and then you're on your back looking like a giant fucking sea urchin.

Fuck that, dude. I did a triathlon. I did a triathlon i did a triathlon there's a woman there's a woman that i follow on uh instagram well that's actually discover sharks is what i follow but they post her shit all the time and dude she is in the fucking water with like three tiger sharks and a couple other really aggressive ones and she is like reading these things being like, okay, they're all intimidated by that one. That's the alpha male one. They're all going to do what he does or whatever. I'm really paraphrasing here. I have to, and like, she,

she would make like these fucking moves and she was like controlling her space where, I mean, I was just sitting there like my fucking heart in my throat going, this woman is going to get eaten alive. I've been in the open water with sharks without a cage. And it's oddly enough, very calming. It's not as scary as you'd think. Like for some reason, you can tell,

you can tell when a shark is being aggressive. When a shark wants to come at you, I was in the open water with a great white shark once. And it was moving with such intention that like, like almost like when you see a running back or when you watch, what's his name? Is it Jamal? Who's the running back quarterback for the Ravens oh yeah I I let's see off season I immediately forget everybody's name yeah but when you see my pick to go to the Super Bowl last year when you see him move a shark moves when it's

when it's being predatory it moves like that in the ocean and then sometimes when you see like with blue sharks or like uh or like galapagos sharks they're just like literally drunk frat boys just and you can grab them by the nose move them over but man great whites we've i've been in the water with great whites a lot like a lot and uh that fucking animal is king of the fucking world that animal's scariest fucking shit you're not okay now go watch killer whales eating uh great white sharks dude how about that and then did you hear that the killer whale killed one great white shark and then they lost all sharks for the rest of the like all sharks disappeared from this island because one killer whale killed a great white shark

and they said it looked like it was playing with it like it killed it and was playing with the body like it was just having fun what they do is well they're so fucking smart there'll be like two or three of them and what they do is they they go from underneath or something they drive it to the surface

where it has no exit plan and then they bite the thing's fins off or something. They drive it to the surface where it has no exit plan. And then they bite the thing's fins off. And it's just fucking brutal. It's just like, you'll see a great white shark scared. That's like when you see like one of the great boxers of all time. You know, eventually they get old

and that young buck comes in and there's that thing laid in the fight where you just see this guy who's never lost has a look on his face you've never seen before that's what seeing a great white shark getting uh uh hunted and seeing this thing like you know like looking over its shoulder like hey we're just fucking around right man i mean i know i act tough but i know you guys are the tougher tougher all right leave me alone it was really i don't know it was weird it was the first time i ever sort of rooted for a great white shark unless it was uh human beings i mean if it's going after a swimmer

i'm rooting for the swimmer but if it's like fishermen and shit like that and people fucking with the fish, you know, even the people leaning over, putting their hand on his fucking nose, I want that arm to come off. We had a guy in South Africa who had his pinky just, it was like down to the bone. And I said, we were swimming with great white sharks. And I said, what happened? And he goes, well, you know, I can take them and move their noses up when they come up to the boat. I can push their noses up.

And he was doing it, and he said, and one time, I pushed their nose up, and it moved, and my finger just got caught in between two teeth, and I pulled it out, and it just ripped everything off of it. I went... Like a chicken wing. Oh, my nipples started tingling. I was like, no, thanks. When weipples started tingling I was like no thanks when we

went swimming with great white sharks in South Africa at the first time I did it no the second time I did it the we went in the water and the visibility was bad so you would only see the shark when it bit on the cage at the last moment much like a shark attack it would just come from the dark and you just be sitting on the cage, and you'd just be, whoom, and you'd be like, motherfucker! It was terrifying. Wow.

Oh, it was. There's a great picture. There's a great picture I'll send you of me in the cage with the shark biting onto the cage that shot from the top of the boat, and it's just, huh, and you're, it is. And that was, like, fucking surreal. That's something I want to do,

but I don't want the shark to get hurt or get stuck in the fucking cage. I just would like to go into the shit, be safe, observe it. I don't want to fuck with them and get them all riled up, but I know they have to, don't they have to do that on some level to get them over there, right?

For great whites, they lure them into the cage with bait. For the Galapagos, I'll tell you right now, in Haleiwa, the greatest experience I've ever had is North Shore shark adventures. They take you out a mile out, always, every time I've been, it's calm, and there are probably 30 Galapagos sharks. Those are sharks that are the size of a pickup truck, and there are 30 of them just surrounding a cage, just sitting around a cage, hanging out.

I go with my daughters one time, right? I've taken my daughters out twice. So every time I go to Honolulu, I do it. It's the funnest fucking thing. And they have a great Hawaiian ice place, like, right next to there. So you go there, get a Hawaiian ice, get the pineapples on the ride back over at Dole Plantation, get back to your oh it's out of this world so we go with the girls get the girls in the cage and uh and they get out of the cage and as soon as they get out of the cage a

fucking huge sperm whale just breaches next to the boat. Just, and the girls were like, Whoa. And then all of a sudden it comes and it comes underneath the cage. And we had just gotten out, comes underneath the cage, goes right by the cage and just lands. And the girls are losing their mind. I was like,

thank God we weren't in that fucking cage. We've been in that cage at that time. I would have been shitting my pants, watching a whale coming straight up from the bottom, and you're just going, don't fucking hit me. Don't swallow me. But, yeah, dude, I'm not Hawaiian. I can't win.

This band ends. The first thing I'm doing is going to Hawaii. First thing I'm fucking doing. That's hilarious. The first thing I'm going to do is I think I'm just going to go to a cigar bar. Just sit down and just fucking i am i i gotta be honest i have really enjoyed not traveling yeah after 30 years of being at airports and stuff like that i really enjoyed being home but like i've had enough man so i mean i was on this

thread last night you know when i was up at like one in the morning and everyone was talking about covid and the whole fucking text thread was just people in their egos questioning scientists it was just like and everybody just everybody just wants to be right it's just like why can't you just admit you don't have a medical degree yeah just fucking do what they say you know i went with the walk today with my wife and kids and like there was just a couple they just fucking you know and they know you're looking at them and i don't want to be the asshole being like can you put a fucking mask on but then you're walking by my kids what the fuck are you doing you're just fucking and like you know like like they're trying to have like the first class of quarantining like it doesn't quite apply to me and i I figured out these fucking angles. Like, they just have to be fucking different.

They can't just be everybody else. You know what I mean? Like, just do this with everybody. And like, oh, yeah, you guys are all sheep. I figured this fucking thing out. And, you know, as much as they're blaming Trump, it's like, I don't give a fuck who was in office. You can't, like, police people's fucking egos.

You just can't do it. They got it all figured out, man. Last night, I was skateboarding around. I had a few beers and I was like, I'm going to just try to get some exercise in, go for a nice long skateboard. I'm coming back and I'm drunk

and I fall off my skateboard and my flip-flops hit the ground. I didn't fall hard. I just fell forward, off my skateboard and my flip-flops hit the ground fall hard I just fell forward caught myself but my flip-flops were there when they went clap clap on the cement and this woman comes out and goes will you fucking stop it already and I'm like excuse me she goes you that's enough enough you're done and I was like I was like I didn't know if she knew that I was drunk and I was like I'm just trying to get home she was like no you're not you've been out here all night and I go I know I haven't she goes with the fucking fireworks and I go I go I'm skateboarding she goes how old are you you're not skateboarding I go I'm 47 and she goes you shouldn't be skateboarding

if you're 47 and I go hold on wait what are you and she goes you're not shooting on fireworks and I said no and she goes oh my god just get? And she goes, you're not shooting on fireworks? And I said, no. And she goes, oh my God, just get yourself home. That was funny. You know what? Because that was the point there where she realized she was wrong and she should have apologized and said, I'm sorry. And she just belittled me for being 47 and skateboarding. Dude, were you here last night with the fireworks?

Yes. Dude, that was one of the best shows I've ever seen. So much better when it's not organized by our country i mean it literally every year like you know we go up on the roof we sit there i smoke a stogie and we watch them but you know we got the little one so i didn't do it this year and um dude it was like it and it just kept going and going and going and going when my kid got up at like four in the morning, it was like quiet. I was like, oh, they finally stopped.

Then I heard, boom. My wife was in bed like, oh God, they're still doing it. It's just like, you know, people had months and months and months and months to build up to it. It was fucking amazing. My tour bus driver stopped on our way from Hurricane back home,

stopped in Vegas and got like like 500 worth of fireworks told me he said the middle of the night look down towards compton it will be blowing up and i looked out online and compton was i mean better than any fireworks show i'd ever seen yeah it was incredible i had my daughter out looking out her window that's the first time she's been like old enough to understand them. Yeah. I thought they were amazing. And I was like, all right, you got to go to sleep now. And she was crying.

I had to come back in. What are you crying about? She's like, dad, you're missing fireworks. I saw them, buddy. It's okay. Hey, I have a weird question. So when you have a boy, because I only had girls, when you have a boy, do they ask you in the hospital

whether you want to get them circumcised? Yeah. Or is that something you do after they're... I think that's all up to you. But they say that when you have them, they're like, do you want them to... And you're like... Yeah, that's all...

Yeah, you got to decide yes or no. And there's all... It you got to decide yes or no and there's all you know it's the same type of shit all these questions and you're like i gotta make these decisions and then you look at your wife you had your decisions all about that made way before you it wasn't like sprung on you're like oh fuck quick no no no we made we made all of those decisions i'm not going to divulge one way or the other i feel like that's his story to tell. And ladies, if you play your cards right, you might just get that answer someday. All right. I think that's it. I think we're out of time. Hey, my non-hat is off to you for going out there. And everybody, thank you for everyone out and showed up on Bert's tour and

everybody had a good time and did it safe unlike those couple of rebels over there fucking raw doggers raw doggers that's so on brand for the two of them it's like I love the both of them that's what I love about Callan

you can't help but love him in his apology speech he goes a fucking fist bump why wasn't i thinking a fist bump i put it right to my face god damn it he knows the people want to see his physique he had to go out and show it to him yeah i love him i texted him the morning he i found out he got it i texted him because i was nervous he's like buddy you know you got it if you got it. I was like, really? He's like, symptoms. Well, here's the thing. I didn't, because all I could think of was breaking his balls, and I was like, well, what if he gets a bad version and dies? Then I'm gonna feel bad.

So I'm waiting. If he doesn't die in the next 10 days, that's when I'm gonna start trashing him. Yeah, I think they're fine. I think both of them are fine now. That's hilarious. And then that'll be the new angle. I mean, I shook it off in five days! I think both of them are fine now. That's hilarious. And then that'll be the new angle. I mean, I shook it off in five days. Fuck old people.

All right. I have no answers. Don't listen to me. All right. That's the podcast, everybody. If anybody's selling one of these. Oh, Jesus. Just dropped the phone there.

I won't buy it. Look at that. That's like when you were a little kid. That's what your toy you wanted it to be. That looks like it. And by the way, if you're looking for a good beer, let me make sure. If you're looking for a good beer, food fight. I thought that said time fight.

If you want to see a stud on a fucking surfboard behind a boat, Bill. Yeah, I do. I want to see that. Watch boat, Bill. Yeah, I do. I want to see that. Watch this, Bill. Drop the rope. Oh, are you supposed to drop the rope? I thought you needed... Drop the rope and then you just surf on it. It's fucking funny shit, Bill bill i'll tell you what we're gonna do an athletic man you know what that little thing was brought to you by he

heath mine's melted because i have no air conditioning in this fucking house um all right you're in the witness protection house okay we got to do a little read here before we go uh dude if you want to do that LA show, I'm down. All right, I'm going to set it up. All right, everybody. Thanks again for watching another episode of The Bill. Bird. Pod.

Cast. Thank you.