The Bill Bert Podcast - The Bill Bert Podcast | Episode 25

Episode Date: August 5, 2020

Bill and Bert prattle about 'cool parents', 'cool' professors, and cool cars.

I'd like to thank so much our sponsor, Bud Light Seltzer, for presenting this podcast. We love these drinks. Personally, I'm a huge fan of the Black Cherry Bud Light Seltzer. It is so refreshing. It is the best. We'll talk about this later. There's more to this. You kill them because I don't drink anymore.

I absolutely love it. So can't wait to talk more about them. Keep listening for more. Thank you, Bud Light Seltzer. All right. Hey, what's up, everybody? And it's time for another episode of The Bill. Bird.

Pot. Pot. Gas, gas, gas. And it won't do it. Hey, I want to talk to you about something. I'm firing hot, Bill. I got into a fight last night at a party. Yeah, we went to some people's friend's house,

and we got into a disagreement about fucking raising children. Ooh, you never bring that up, man. That's like bringing up politics or religion. No, but I was on the yeah you're right yeah you're right you're right yeah you're right you're right all right so what is it what was this person's ideas about raising kids uh in essence they were uh you give the kid the tools to operate in society and if the kid and that's the parenting you do and you can't go beyond that and i was saying yeah but if there are influences outside of those tools,

meaning say there's a parent that says, hey, all the kids can come to my house and drink. Well, I go, well, that parent is a piece of shit. That shouldn't be allowed. And then I say we need to get that parent, we need to fix that parent because that parent's undermining all these tools i taught my kid and and the argument at hand and and i'm i should gloss over it because i was fucking lit what were they saying about the parent uh the hypothetical person letting your kids drink you can't you can't do it you can't there's nothing you can do about that

and you gotta understand that that is part of when you give your kid the tools, that is part of the negotiation. I have to admit that's exactly what I thought. It's like this parent unfortunately is an obstacle. As you've prepared your kid to deal with other kids, maybe you need to add to your game that they got to, you know, the parent that's the cool parent is not cool. It's not cool. Like, you know, I was arguing last night. I never thought it was cool when I was in high school. Like, when the mom said,

if you guys want a drink, do it at our house. It wasn't fun. Like, there were never chicks there. It was just like, oh, great. I was happy that they said it, but I didn't. I knew it was wrong. And I would always look at my buddy, if they're a parent or a friend or whatever, and I would look at them and be like, ah, now the pieces are starting to fit together.

Yeah, right? There was something. I remember watching this kid light a cigarette in ninth grade in front of his parents. He was like, hey, can I get a light? And I remember being in his house thinking it was a joke, right? Because some kids were funny as fuck. Right. Like the Quinn family was an Irish Catholic family in Tampa.

Like five boys, one girl. And they were hilarious. Like you'd walk in and immediately they go hey if you want something out of my refrigerator just ask my mom. Mom Bert's afraid to ask and you'd be like I never said that and they were just a funny fucking family and so I remember those kids that this kid lit a cigarette and I was in ninth grade and I was like all I could think was,

this isn't gonna turn out well for you. Oh yeah, yeah, no, that kid's done. He is done. Any parent that is doing that, I think it's like, if you're not just a straight up moron, it's a low self-esteem thing. It's an insecure thing where you can't go through those years where when your kid gets to a certain age

and thinks they know everything which is around 11 or 12 if i remember how i went through that phase um you know you have to you can't be their buddy during that time you have to be you have to you have to plow through that and just understand this all right the kid's gonna hate me for the next six to eight years seven eight years or whatever and um hopefully in their 20s you know in their 20s if i did my job they're gonna be like yeah i was an idiot you know or maybe some of them they don't learn till they have a kid they're like oh shit you know you kind of have to have that feeling on some level i think maybe have a kid to understand of like oh my god if this goes off the rails this is on me um yeah it's it's

interesting to me because i just felt like that was i started to make a point that was like the worst fucking thing i was i started big i thought there was, and I just slid back down the hill on that statement. What I find interesting is that what upset me last night was two things. This is hardcore, probably more information than I should share. But I woke up this morning thinking my wife finds it easier to silence me than to be on my team in the argument. Like she doesn't want the argument to happen at all, but it's already happened. So she knows she has more control silencing me than she does on my side. And I think I like and that was the first thing and that's where I brought up.

So at the party you you wanted your wife- To have my fucking back. You wanted to tag and have Tony Goria come over, right? Yeah, and she was like, you're talking really loud. And I was like, yeah, that's how you fucking- Oh. She's probably right, but I can't stand that. I hate when there's the person, when you're getting into it with somebody else

and they want to get into it with you. Yeah. They're both up here and then someone just comes in like, guys, guys, guys, stop it. Yeah. And all I think then

is what Brad Pitt did in that last fucking movie where he's slamming the fucking head off the mantle there. And I know that's wrong, obviously. And I hate that we live in a world that I had to let people know now that I know that's wrong. Obviously, that's not something I want. I hate the peacemaker when I'm getting into an argument because I actually enjoy a good argument.

Yeah. Oh, this argument was a full-rounded, fun argument. And by the way, I texted the dude this morning, and I texted the group. I said, thank you for last night. I'm sorry my wife got drunk and argumentative. It'll never happen again. And then he wrote back immediately do it again tonight

and i was like see that's that's the kind of guy i like it was like he's like i'm not done you're not done let me get finishes yeah and also i'm not carrying this into the next day i didn't wake up with negative energy i love this dude so one of my best do what the beatles did where they went home and then they trashed their buddy and then eventually they go they got sick of them bitching and then they're just like well. And then eventually they got sick of them bitching. And then they're just like, well, why don't you just quit the band? I think that that's what happened. All those years of Yoko being blamed or whatever.

I just think that the wives got sick of them complaining about each other. Just quit the fucking band. Enough. Yeah. If you're this unhappy, and then one of them probably said, I think you're probably just afraid to quit it. And then they, they went back into a corner.

I think the only self-help book back then was, uh, how to make friends and influence people or something like that. There was like one or two of them. Yeah. Yeah. They didn't have the tools. It's my wife deals with me the same way she deals with our dog with a strange dog.

You can't tell whose dog started it, right? Our dog is sitting there. You can't tell whose dog started it. But my wife disciplines our dog regardless. Hey, no. And the dog's like, the dog came up on me and growled. Like, what are you doing? I'm protecting myself.

I've never been aggressive my entire fucking life. But she, and then all I could think was, is there ever a world where my wife gets into an argument and I don't get behind my wife and have her back? And I just go, hey, Leanne, you're raising your voice. Oh my God. I didn't even think of that. Oh my God.

You'd have to be, Oh my God. You'd have to be, they'd have to be getting really like alley cat level shit for you to step in. I don't know, my experience with them, at some point,

even if you were 100% in the right, you're out in front of that house, she's crying and you're saying, I'm sorry. Yeah. That's kind of how it ends. My wife does not have the capability to, in the moment, admit she's wrong.

Like in the moment, it is heels dug in. Not a bad thing. Nothing wrong with that. Just one of those types of people. Yeah, I'm guilty of that too. So yeah, I'm actually, I'm actually, I can hear someone's point in an argument, and I can actually go, okay, I'm wrong.

You're right. I'm wrong. You're right. I, for the most part, hear that voice way in the back of my head. Going, Phil, don't do this. And then me is just, I said, sit down back there, and I just keep going. You know, and I think at this point, I said, sit down back there. And I just keep going. Um,

you know, and I think at this point I'm 52. I don't think I'm ever going to conquer that. So I think I'm just going to fucking be who I am by the way. And I'm going to go into this in detail on my podcast. Uh, tomorrow you have to watch. There's a documentary on Netflix that you just just have to watch what is it i'm dying

for this uh david foster he's this legendary like writer producer oh no no you know what i'm thinking of is david foster wallace do you know he i he was my teacher when i was in college are you fucking serious yeah and i don't read books so I know everybody's just like, oh my God, and I go, I know, I know. Wait, he was your teacher? I remember I had a, he taught at like Emerson for like a semester or two, and I remember I turned in a paper doing a, you know, like a book report style thing. And he wrote in the column in the first paragraph he wrote in red ink he wrote dude

if you're doing a book report it's probably a good idea to not spell the lead character's name wrong and he threw an f-bomb in there to not fucking he still gave me like a b though he was cool as shit um that's so fucking amazing bill that guy's a legend fucking tragic because i haven't read any of his work confederacy of dunces is uh a fucking legit i haven't read it confederacy of dunces he didn't write that yeah didn't he no no not wait what did he write what did he write andrew did he write, Andrew? Confederacy of Dunces.

That book's like 150 years old. He wrote Infinite Jest. That's his probably most... Infinite Jest? Wait, who wrote Confederacy of Dunces? Alexander Dumas. No, I don't know. Infinite Jest was the one I was thinking of,

but I said Confederacy of Dunces. I don't think you know who he is either. John Kennedy To cool wrote it. Yeah. Infinite Jest. Oh, I saw the movie where Jason, what's his name, played him. Statham? No, Jason.

Come on, Andrew, hop on this. Help me out. I needed you last night at the party. I needed you last night at the party. Bittner from Shadows Falls. Jason Bittner. No. What movie are you talking about?

The one about... Jason and Jess? No, the one... The guy from How I Met Your Mom. Ten Things I Met Your Mom About. Oh, Doogie Howser. No, the other dude. The tall dude who showed his dick.

Jason Segel. Jason Segel, yeah. I was forgetting Sarah Marshall. Forget forgetting sarah marshall okay um anyways it's not david foster wallace it's just david foster oh okay documentary dude this guy his this guy's ego man it was like if Ron Burgundy was a real person and he wasn't joking David I don't even know how to describe it was like one of the greatest accidental comedies like remember Grizzly Man other than the fact he gets killed by the bear was just a guy it was a guy who was gay who couldn't deal with it was actually's actually tragic. He should have just been able to be who he was. But when he's sitting out there going like, you know, but I like pussy.

But he's walking in the fucking woods. Yeah. It's like that. Dude. And he has surrounded himself with all of these sycophants who just, you can just see it. Anybody who doesn't appease his ego is just cut out. And everybody's just going like, I mean, thank God you're writing a show on Broadway. I mean, it's time, David. What have you been waiting for? And my favorite thing was this drummer goes like, he's the greatest

keyboard player I have ever heard in my life. And I've played with Herbie. Herbie Hancock, dude. Okay. And then they cut to the guy, and he takes the balls out of Chicago. He removes their horn section, and then you got Peter Cetera going, I am the man who will fight for your honor. And I'm thinking like, that's better than, get the fuck, Herbie Hancock played with Miles Davis. You fucking writing the 80s Phil Collins music over here. You've got to see this thing. And he's fucking going like

and then Barbra Streisand she wanted an album with no drums, no bass, no guitar, just keyboards. No, just synth. And I have to admit, I killed it. And he's not joking.

And then the saddest part is his kids come on, and you can tell the guy he's a horrible dad. He's even saying I was a horrible dad. And even then, they're defending him. Really? Like, he took off when I was six minutes old, but he did the best he could. when I was six minutes old, but he did the best he could.

I know. It was, I mean, the guy's obviously super talented and all that type of shit, but the game within the game is just watching this fucking guy. I mean, the stories he tells, it was fucking amazing. And my mom, when I was a little kid, was at the piano and she hit a chord and I said, that's an E. And she said, what? And he said, I said, that's an E.

And then she called my dad and my dad said, my God, he has perfect pitch. And what was crazy is, he has like fucking like, you know, four or five sisters, and the mom would feed them porridge, like a fucking, like a goddamn, what are those, nursery rhymes. And she'd give him bacon and eggs with toast every morning. And you go back to the parents that let the kids drink and that type of shit, you see that. You go, oh oh that's where

it started i mean it's fucking just the picture alone dude the picture to promote it is him sitting there smiling with like fucking 400 emmys or grammys next to him and he's just sitting there like i mean this is what i do do you realize close, like if you gave me Rogan money, right? Like sign a Spotify deal and I could seclude myself. Do you realize how quickly I could turn into that guy? Like there's certain types of people that are prone to being that guy. And then guys like you who would never be that guy. Like you could, you you would there's a humility

you have that i don't fucking set me up to don't fucking don't set me up with that soundbite now that's out there in the ether and all i gotta do is one big league move and those two things get married and it's done i don't think you really know what you're capable of until you're in that situation, which is why all these regular people, that bit I used to do about Tiger Woods, where it's just like, dude, when was the last time you walked off the 18th hole and there was a busload of fucking hot chicks waiting to bang you and you walked past them to your Chevy Cavalier to go home to your fucking wife. You do that after every fucking golf match, then you can judge that guy. I'm only as – this has got to be someone's bit,

but I'm only as good as my options. That's Chris Rock. Is it? That works, and that's literally word for word. For real? I think it's a man is as faithful as his options yeah i mean i'm but i think i've proved faithfulness in that i have my options have increased since i married my wife and i have turned down options i've turned down hot chicks

that have been like i had a chick sneak on our bus one time and was in the bus wait wait how does that happen yeah tell me about it someone didn't lock the door she got on the bus one time and was in the bus wait wait how does that happen yeah tell me about it someone didn't lock the door she got on the bus she was hiding under the table and we walked in and we were like what the like we definitely see you she was wasted hot she was like let's just hang out let's just hang out and we have a rule no chicks on the bus scared i would be oh i'd be terrified what if she just starts yelling rape yeah we have that's why we have a rule no chicks on the bus get the fuck out of here no chicks on the bus ever never never so at this point a chick who never even went on your bus could just say she went on your bus

and something happened and that would be the end of you i mean that's kind of the way it it's it's working out now now it's like i like, I mean, I don't understand. I don't want to get into that shit because I don't want to have people's shit. You know what fucking does amaze me, though, is the people that were not there, which is most people commenting. I go, it stinks. It was everybody. And, like, fellow comics.

It's like, you weren't there. You don't know what happened. Somebody said something happened. The other person said it didn't happen and then what i love is it always starts off with the accusation and then it slowly gets into oh you don't like his act yeah you were never a fan of his in the first place yeah that was my favorite one i saw this week where someone you know started off with the accusation and then ended it with the criticism of the person's act and it's just like wow man like that has got to be it's like there's literally somebody's dream is at stake here

if you don't have pertinent information on this. Yes. Shut the fuck up. Why are you chiming in throwing gas on a fire that you don't even know? I mean, it could have happened. It could not have happened. It's just like, I don't know. And this, this whole,

this whole thing done in this guise of like that you're making things better that, you know, one side can't defend themselves the other side can now say whatever they want it's taken as law and your your your dream is over is uh i mean that formula there is no fucking way you're not going to start taking out people that didn't that are actually innocent i mean you're kind of creating i, it's basically why there's a judicial system. Because if you don't have that, then just anybody can say anything about anybody to destroy them. And the internet, people have to respect the fact that there's no libel, there's no slander, there's nothing. So you have this ridiculous level of power. And with power comes responsibility. And you should handle that responsibly i don't think that you should get out your bitterness as a comic towards another comic or your petty

shit with them um i don't know i haven't said that i don't know what's true i don't know what's true that's why i would never fucking jump in and say anything yeah that's my thing is um i did a podcast with someone they asked me about a guy who's been accused of stuff. And I'm only keeping people's names out out of respect for all of it because I don't know anything. And I said – Yeah, you have to respect everybody involved because – Everybody.

There could be victims or on either side there could be a victim here and you don't want to tip it one way or another unless you have, you know, this smoking gun kind of thing. Unless you have some insight that other people don't and i said to the person and i'm gonna i'm gonna edit this out of my podcast because because it it but then talk about it on this one yeah no because because i can represent it better on this one than i did. Right, right, right, right. But what I said was, yeah, I actually don't know anything about that. And all I can say is, the guy's always been nice to me. He's always been a sweet guy. I don't know him to see that as that.

That's all my experience. And it was a little- And just because he's only been nice to you doesn't mean that something didn't happen. But you don't know that something didn't happen but you don't know i don't know and so it would be disingenuous of me to just immediately hear any accusation on anyone and just go that's it fuck this guy forever fuck him fuck him and then i don't know and by the way i don't know i just don't know and so like i'm sitting here in my house, in my glass castle, just kind of taking in information. Leanne said this to me, Bill, this is what's crazy. Leanne said,

when everything comes out about all our friends, all the people that we don't need to say any names, but everyone knows where we're, she said, hypothetically speaking, how would you behave if someone accused you of something you actually didn't do? And my instinct, Bill, was I go, have you seen The Fugitive? Because I would be Harrison Ford. I would lose my fucking mind, and I would be jumping off waterfalls. Yeah, but you'd also be locked in with your people, and then they would be giving you advice, and you would painstakingly have to craft a statement.

You get sucked into that. So what I did a as an exercise i said what i would do i went through all the stuff i would do uh and i and the number one thing i would the first thing i was going to do is i was suing everyone for libel right and so she goes well call your dad my dad's a lawyer she goes call your dad ask him if that's sound advice so i said dad i tell him scenario i said if that happened to me first thing i do is i sue everyone for libel he goes first of all no that trial is not going to happen for two years and just so you know they will dig up everything you've ever fucking done and that is all and you will not win and if you win you won't

get any money and it doesn't do any good and by the way he my dad starts spinning out he's like did something fucking happen i go no we're just doing a hypothetical he goes what you do is you remain quiet and hope it goes away and i went are you serious and he's like that's i know and that's that's what's giving that type of of thing there's a tremendous amount of power when you can you can just say you can say these things true or not and i'm not saying that anybody has said anything false but it's just like that door is wide open to just say like i mean this shit with like uh a certain talk show host and just the wild shit that people say there's no way you didn't know every last fucking thing that's going

on in a show give me a fucking break there's a zillion people there i do a show i don't know every last fucking thing that's going on yeah yeah that's what people say and then you condoned it and then the snowball thing starts going i mean i've actually defended that person i've defended that person maybe wrongfully but i have only because i know her history and I know what's what she's had to go through and put up with to get to where she is and I don't think she would knowingly condone out I just don't think it's that person and I think it is the people around her and I think it's maybe a little bit of like I don't know I think there's a lot to it it's also the perception the perception whoever brings up the accusation their perception is what was going on.

So if somebody, like every place I ever worked with, there was always like somebody that was being inappropriate, jokes being inappropriate or whatever, but it was like, that's the inappropriate person. But, you know, there's a difference between the person saying wild shit. Back in the day, there wasn't taking your dick out at work but now those two things have become the same thing and then it's also become like you know if this person said that happened then then it happened and you're done um it's crazy it's it's crazy there's got to be a lot of people i know i know i know of a talk show where the host was very toxic and everyone hated it. And everyone has since come out and said how much they hated it.

And I just, who wants to like that? I don't understand that concept of having a workplace like that at all. If you're lucky enough to have a TV show, you should make everyone feel like, how great is it that we get to come to work today? You know, I believe, I believe. I think the pressure of it, the pressure of having the show

and whatever your issues are, get heightened. The higher up you go and the more that's at stake, the crazier, you know, if you're wired a certain way, you're going to behave. And I think it's cartoonish sometimes to just turn people into, you are mean because you like being mean. You're just a mean, like to, I mean, it's like, you know,

when people from this country go and they travel to a poorer country and they come back, their takeaway is, man, that place is a shithole. As opposed to like, why is it that way? How did it end up that way? We're all connected. How does this thing work? How does the world economy work? You know, I just think, you know, the way people go at, you know, do you know, one plus one is two, one plus one is two, they're just going right down the thing.

This happened, this person said that poem, this is this, this is that. And I don't see how you come out of this thing unless, I don't even know how you come out of it. How you ever even go back to some sort of rational like the best system we could come up with which you know to argue the other side was not working for a lot of women for women yeah so it wasn't working so but i don't think the solution is then to go all the way to the other side and just be like hey anybody says anything and then you act like there's no um that human beings aren't flawed, there's no jealousy, there's no vindictiveness, there's none of that, all of those ugly, ugly sides of people

that cause people to say stuff, I mean, people, comedians who hate other comedians act, I mean, so much of that is, is what's going on with you, and not the other fucking person, you know what I mean, and, but if you apply that to what this thing is, it's a very dangerous thing. It is very crazy. And what's crazy is that because I have two girls and my wife was sexually assaulted in college, she's talked about that. I'm not sharing anything.

When did you meet her? What's that? When did you meet her? and my wife was sexually assaulted in college. She's talked about that. I'm not sharing anything. But I- When did you meet her? What's that? When did you meet her? I think I'm going to cancel you on this fucking thing right now. I love when you do those. I knew I had to go there with a joke. You loved it over the net.

But I tend to believe that anyone that speaks up isn't doing it to just get famous because I just go I've been around dudes I've never known a dude that's the other part is that I said to my wife last time we were talking about it the other day and I said I've never once known that like no dude has ever once and I've hung around bros my whole life has even told me a story that sounded like rape. Like even a story that sounded like- That's because once again, you're dealing with their perception of it.

People are fucking nuts, okay? But we're living in a world right now where they're saying only one side is nuts. And it's like, no, everybody's fucking nuts. And that's why you have the judicial system and all of that shit but i don't know but but then again it doesn't work for a certain segment of the population so that's not fair i mean so what what do you do i don't know it's uh it's yeah it's fucking nuts man man. It is a quagmire.

Do you know how many, I say alt comics, but I don't mean alt comics, but like, do you know how many types of comedians, Bill, would be so jealous that you had David Foster Wallace as a teacher, and that possibly his teaching created the man you are today? and that possibly his teaching created the man you are today. The artist you are today was nurtured by David Foster Wallace. I took a class. I do remember.

I don't want to tell that story. I can't do that. Here, let me let you think about your story. I'll tell a story about a great English teacher, and let you think about your story. I'll tell a story about a great English teacher, and then you think about your story. This teacher... He's not around anymore. I'm not telling the story. It's not fair.

Why? Yeah, but... Because the fucking internet is so fucking toxic. Oh, okay. And they do the Fox News, CNN thing where they just take clips of what you say, and then they'll try to make it act like I was being disrespectful to the guy,

which I don't want to do. We had a teacher. We had a teacher. I was an English major in creative writing. And we had a teacher come in, first day of class on a Monday. His name was McNamara, I think. And he walked in, no shirt on, shirt over his shoulder, backpack, like an Army surplus backpack motorcycle helmet

walks in 10 minutes late and he goes mondays aren't good for me so uh let's just do thursday friday cool and we're like yeah he's all right and he starts to walk away and someone's like what are we supposed to do and he goes oh live life and write about it and just walks out right so this guy was the greatest teacher his i i him aside and said, I don't really- He's a complete ass. He's a fucking adult and he wanted your approval more than he actually wanted to teach you. Or he's fucking lazy. So I said to him, so I remember sitting next to him-

How is he any different than the parent down the street that says it's cool to drink? This guy, this gets better, this gets better. So this guy, everyone just wrote about their life and the experience they had i was sitting in next to him in class one time shirt unbuttoned motorcycle next to him the helmet next to him and this girl tells you have a fan blowing his hair he had long hair he was a really good looking guy really good looking guy all right i don't get mad at that good for him and so a girl one of the hottest girls in the room but like like uh converse sneakers with no socks hot you know what i mean

like just like a good looking girl really attractive but just not in the sorority system does her own thing paves her way through college like real fucking like kind of girl that knows how to pack bong bong hits with her thumb and doesn't worry about it, you know? So she reads a story about working. I think I've met this girl. This sounds like a movie. She works, writes a story about working. Wait a minute, wait a minute. When you took her glasses off

and she undid her ponytail, did you then see how beautiful she was? Yeah. Yeah. What the fuck are you talking about? Went like this with her hair. So she... There she is.

She does her, reads a story story i'm sitting next to this dude she reads a story about her working at this restaurant called the mill and one of the one of the guys who worked in the kitchen walking in on her in the freezer and them fucking in the freezer and it's all about her getting fucked in the freezer. And it was like the hottest, sexiest story. And this teacher is, by the way, I thought he was an adult. He's probably like 25 at the time, 27. He's just punching me in the leg like, oh, can you believe this? Can you believe this, right? So I tell him after that, I go, hey, I'm not doing this class right.

Like, what do I do? How do I? And he says to me, he goes, this weekend, I want you to get a tape recorder and record everything that you're going through and just record like kind of log it and then on sunday night just write all that down it doesn't need to be perfect just write down everything you said or like surmise it and then submit it so i do that record all weekend i write it all down sund night, Monday, Wednesday shows up, we go to class and there's a different teacher in class. And I was like, uh, Pat, I forget her name. Pat was her name.

She was quoted in my Rolling Stone article about me, about what kind of student I was. Cause it was during this time. And I said, uh, and I said, where's Mr. McNamara? And she goes, he died this weekend. And I was like, what? She goes, yeah, he was doing cocaine on his motorcycle, going about 120 miles an hour, and he had a heart attack and died. And I was like, wow. She said that to you guys?

Yeah, yeah. Did she have an ax to grind with this guy? No, she was really good. You couldn't just say he had a heart attack on the motorcycle? Wait a minute. How do you do blow on a motorcycle going 120 miles an hour? You must have had the windscreen. No, he wasn a heart attack on the motorcycle? Wait a minute. How do you do blow on a motorcycle going 120 miles an hour? You must have the windscreen. No.

He wasn't doing it on the motorcycle like. All right. Well, that's kind of the way you said it. I'm sorry. And by the way, by the way, I'm not really certain that's how he died. How was the picture you painted? I might have painted the picture in my head that he was doing cocaine, had a heart attack.

Maybe he just got into a motorcycle accident. Protect your facts. Or just post it onto Twitter because it doesn't matter it doesn't matter yeah yeah whatever and so uh but i remember that teacher so well what was that pat what was it i reached out to her since all the people in the english department hated my guts because i signed a book deal out of college and she was one of the ones that didn't she didn't hate me oh she didn't hate you she was cool as fuck she was really what did you what did she think when you submitted your assignment uh she we didn't really do any more learning in that class like it was just came in matter of factly yeah your teacher's dead he was doing blowing a motorcycle yeah 120 miles an hour and

had a heart attack i'm gonna be your teacher now there was was doing blowing a motorcycle yeah 120 miles an hour and had a heart attack i'm gonna be your teacher now there was no what is wrong with florida what's her name pat i want to say mac it's not mcafee but it's like mcveigh or something if you type in andrew if you type in burt kreischer rolling stone article pat teach english teacher it'll come up i bet i want to give her a shout out she was a really cool person what if she's still alive isn't it crazy that you think that those teachers you had in college were like 50 years old and they were just 27 year olds yeah the coolest teacher i had in college he was a lawyer. And he drove a Porsche and he was married, had like four kids.

And he, one of the stories he told was that he would, he drove fast and he just decided he, I'm just going to play high insurance. Cause I like driving fast. And he was like his own man. This was like early nineties when I was in college and uh i don't know it's just something about him that i liked i can't remember the class he taught you could tell he was good at being a

lawyer like just the way he talked like i would hire this guy yeah and um he wasn't a creep i had a lot of teachers that were creeps you know what i mean they'd only call on the hot chicks or the jocks and shit like that i had you know i had a lot of those that were creeps, you know what I mean? They'd only call on the hot chicks or the jocks and shit like that. I had a lot of those, but this guy was just like, he really came at people like matter of factly. He took a vacation, I remember, went to Cancun, he came back, he looked fucking great. I was like, this guy's just living the life. He's taking time out to teach this class.

He doesn't need to teach this class. He's a lawyer, he's got a Porsche, he can go to Cancun, and guy's just living the life. He's taking time out to teach this class. He doesn't need to teach this class. He's a lawyer. He's got a Porsche. He can go to Cancun. He's taking the time. And I got so much out of that guy. I was like, this guy's just kind of doing what the fuck he wants to do. Yeah.

Nobody's getting hurt, though. Nobody's getting hurt. It's not a toxic thing. You know what the next, what? Did you find her name? What is it? Pat McNulty. Pat McNulty.

Pat McNulty. She was a great great i bet she's got books can you pull up one of her books i bet she's written a book let's promote it someone by pat mcnulty she was a fucking awesome teacher man you get so few great teachers get so many you're right so many just just regular people regular people. Regular people. I want to thank our sponsor, Bud Light Seltzer. I was out in Lake Havasu last week, was it, Bill? I think so. So I go to get the boat. I send my wife in to get booze, right?

She comes back with Bud Light Seltzer. And at first I thought, oh, I just want to do beer, like a beer. But all of a sudden we get out to the sandbar. She starts driving the boat. I start drinking. And these Bud Light Seltzers were so freaking enjoyable. And you know what I loved about it, Bill? None of the guilt of the big belly with the beer, right? 100 calories, less than a gram of sugar.

They are phenomenal. I love once I quit drinking, all of a sudden they come out with all this alcohol that still gets you feeling good, but you don't put on any weight. It's going to make me come back for it. It's going to make me come back. Black cherry. What I would do is

we had it in ice. I had a couple out of the can, and then I poured two into a big glass with ice in it. Bill, it was so refreshing i can't black cherry is so amazing on the lake singing whoa black cherry bam lamb oh quality taste clean finish i mean amazing if you're looking for a for a drink the i'm telling you right now, the Blood Light Seltzer is undeniable. An approachable brand with a wide, hard seltzer category. I would be on a lake right now watching you drink one of those things.

It is unquestionably good, Bill. Bro, I actually told Leanne I think I perfected day drinking because I would have four of those and I'd be set for the day come home set up the grill crack another one it was I did kettle I did kettlebell squats with them because I felt like I wasn't gaining any weight I felt like I was being healthy I brought my kettlebell with us most about having a beer while grilling oh it took so long it was like a phantom limp to not have that you know i've been having a hard time with beer lately i think the taste is uh like when we were on tour i was doing ipas now that i'm home and i don't have to worry about coronavirus and losing my taste buds i've

just been enjoying these bud light seltzers they're so good so good i remember drinking uh about nine presidents ago that's what it feels like dude i'm 21 months in 21 months you know what i feel like what alcohol is gonna do alcohol is gonna do what we did where we'd i think alcohol is like what bud light's doing here is smart because weed there's all these different you know yeah it's it's nice that they finally came around to the drinkers at least bud light did right it's nice when you see a brand and it shocks you into going whoa what's that i gotta try that like i i saw it in the store i was with george george i'm my oldest and i'm walking through the store and i saw it and i went whoa and i didn't buy it then and when liam put it on the boat, I was like, nice. I get to try something.

Why did you go black cherry? That's just the one Leanne bought. I think they've got black cherry, lemon lime, mango, strawberry. And they're all amazing. They're all amazing. Black cherry. Bam, a lamb. Whoa, black cherry.

If you'd like to get it delivered right to your door, you can find a retailer near you at Budlight.com slash delivery. Or you can pick it up at a local neighborhood grocer, convenience store, or liquor store. Thank you so much to our sponsor. All right, I'm going to be the sober guy here. You must include the following legal disclaimer. Enjoy responsibly.

Anheuser-Busch, St. Louis, Missouri. Maybe if I enjoyed responsibly, I would have been on that boat drinking a whoa, black cherry with you. All right, let's talk about shaving your balls. All right, Manscaped, everyone. You know, Bert, 2020 has been the year of things happening that are completely out of your control. You don't have to tell me that, Bill. Hey, we're all living, and you know what? We're all in this together. But there is one thing that you can't control, and that's shaving your bush bush our sponsors at manscapes are here to remind you to do so it'll really help

you move that's why i shaved off my beard yeah the bush on my face ask your co-host okay hey bert when was the last time you shaved your balls we have this conversation so often you'll text me go hey have you shaved your balls yet and i I'll go, not yet, getting on it. I shave my balls and I shave my underarms, Bill. And what I love about their Manscaped Mower 3.0 is it does not nick or catch any of your skin, which is so important. You know what? I like to keep a nice George Michael 5 o'clock shadow on my balls personally.

You know, makes me seem like I'm a crooner uh the manscaped lawnmower 3.0 is a premium electric trimmer that that's designed to give you a confidence boost through your body image their ceramic blade and skin safe technology are designed to reduce nicks or tugs what's worse Bert a nick or a tug I think the tug uh getting a tug because it catches you and you're stuck and you're like, oh, how are we getting out of this? I'd rather just get nicked and get it over with. No, but nick hangs around later

if you put the aftershave on your nuts. The Lawn Mower 3.0 is also waterproof and comes with an LED light so you can manscape in the shower, in the dark, or in a dark shower, whatever floats your boat. They've also just released their Shears 2.0 nail kit, which is the perfect add-on to their Lawn Mower 3.0 trimmer. The Shears 2.0

is a luxury four-piece nail kit featuring tempered stainless steel tools, and it includes tipped tweezers, rounded point scissors, fingernail clippers, and a medium grit nail file. It is perfect, Bill. You throw one in your bag and you have, you've ever been sitting on the road and you're like, God, I got to clip my nails. But you're like, where am I at a nail clipper? This thing really is, they are great nail clippers. And I have like 58 of the old school ones. There's that weird matrix thing where you twist it around too many times and all of a sudden it comes apart. Then you need to call a real man to get it back together um on their website you'll also find the crop preserver an anti-chafing ball deodorant and moisturizer this will help you tame

that summer swamp ass with natural hydrators and anti uh antioxidants uh you'll also find the crop reviver a testy toner that's like having cologne that is designed for your balls. We won't judge you if we catch you sniffing yourself. Go to manscaped.com and check some of these life-changing products. Check out some of these life-changing products. In fact, listeners of this show will get 20% off plus free shipping with the code BillBert, B-I-L-L-B-E-R-T at manscaped.com. That's 20% off with free shipping at the code bill burt b-i-l-l-b-e-r-t at manscaped.com that's 20 off with free shipping and at manscaped.com and use the code bill burt it's time to grab 2020 by the horns by shaving that front trunk what um what uh i want to i want to ask you about something

that i'm i feel like is this is what andrew and i were talking about when we first started i feel like is the next wave do you remember do you remember in like when you know what the next wave is what's that everybody's been worried about monkeys right monkeys are gonna do this they're gonna figure out how to fucking drive a car and do all of this shit. And then they're going to take over society. Planet of the Apes. Yeah. And meanwhile, hiding in plain sight are bears. I saw a bear on the Internet this week. I saw I saw a bear open a car door like this. Never seen a monkey do that.

like this. Never seen a monkey do that. I saw one kick open the door to a fucking house, like the feds, like when they had that fucking battering ram. I mean, this thing blew off the fucking hinges and this guy came in like he was working. He did everything but flash a fucking FBI badge. All right. And then I saw these bears at the zoo they'd stand up on their hind legs like people and as the little zoo bus drove by with the people

with the food they'd stand up and wave like frantically like slumber party oh my god waving like that dude

it was a trifecta of human ability that I have not seen I have not seen any fucking monkeys do that shit. Although it wasn't a gorilla that could sign language. Do the sign language thing.

But I'm telling you, people are sleeping on fucking bears. They're the ones. I want to see Planet of the Apes with bears. In Russia, we saw a bear roller skating and right bikes they can do everything a fucking monkey can do i said to the my teacher my teacher we were when we were watching the bear roller skate i said i wonder how they teach a bear to roller skate and she said with a lot of electricity i know it's brutal it's fuck they were getting them bill on a balance beam and almost like it was a slack line and throwing in the air and catching them like bears were on a balancing beam they were throwing somebody threw a bear in the

air and caught it i might mash up a super bowl performance with what i saw but i'm gonna say i know russian guys are strong but let's not get crazy so that's my that's my prediction bears bears i'm talking within the end of this century which we're not going to be here i'm talking a bear with whatever bluetooth looks like going down the road in one of your old rides. I think that that's where they go. Shaving off all the hair except this hair right here so they look like they fit in?

No. They're shaming us. They're shaming us now. There's going to be like a... I don't think it'll happen that fast. In the next 500 years. With viruses and just wiping out the planet I think that they they come up what do you think I was thinking I was talking to Andrew about this and I was saying do you remember the stereotypical uh fat cat during the great depression you know like the

monopoly guy just hey hi monocle and cigar. And I thought you meant like an alley cat. I was just picturing one in the cartoons where they have the fish skeleton and they're licking their paws. All right. I get what you're saying. Some rich guy. Yeah. But that, that stereotype of the guy who's out of touch with like Hoovervilles and, and, and, and economic depression. I feel like we'reilles and economic depression.

I feel like we're coming up on that. Like I feel like, like how did you, how, are you comfortable spending money? What, like right now? You're not the guy that shows up at the comedy store with the flashiest car at all. Like you have a nice car, but you- You're saying I have no style

no no no but like is there a part of you I'm looking to buy a car and I thought I thought with what's going on in the world today it just doesn't make sense to spend a lot of money on a car it just has a fucking joke about that I just read it and i was dying laughing i'm not gonna do it justice you know i it's on my um it's on my instagram stories i put it up yesterday i just read it and i was just like that is so he's so fucking funny and has a new special eddie peppertone's amazing as far as spending money like i've never um gotten to it's. I can spend money on other people. I got the Catholic guilt thing, but like I don't like, if I do spend money on myself,

I definitely get something nice if I'm gonna do it. You know what I mean? Like if I'm gonna do it, I do it, but I don't do it a lot. I actually, I'm not into owning shit. And especially once I cleaned up my frigging office here, just all of the fucking shit over the years that I have gotten and like, you know, it's just like, what do I do with all of this stuff now?

Now I just keep it in boxes because I can't throw it out because emotionally it means something to me. Oh, that's me with t-shirts. I have so many t-shirts that mean something to me dude you just got to get into your reptilian brain where you don't feel anything and you just got to throw them in that garbage bag tie it off and you just leave it there and after a while you forget what's in there and then you take that fucking thing and you go buy skid row and you just set the bag down and

they're going to use it you know all kinds of t-shirts and stuff like that. Yeah, I did that. I did that with a bunch of old Red Sox jerseys and shit that I had from back 2004, like a Nomar, a Manny Ramirez, big poppy shit. It's like, I'm not wearing this stuff. And plus, I think it's funny, you know, homeless guys walking around with Boston sports gear. You know what I mean?

I have Celtic shit instead of Lakers stuff. Make me feel more like I'm at home. What – I feel like if I – I feel like – I was looking at cars yesterday, and I feel like if I spent money on a car, that's when the hammer drops. That's when then – that's when bad shit happens to me. The second I do something nice for myself, that's when bad shit happens. No,

no, I have a nice car. I'm going out and I bought a nice car and I got the nice rims. I ordered the fucking thing. I got the color I wanted. Did all like, if I'm going to do what I do it, I just also I'm 52 years old and I think I've owned five cars in my life.

Like I'm going to drive that fucking thing. Until I got it right. Yeah. Just bought it. Yep. I just buy it outright? Yeah. Just bought it? Yep, I just buy it outright. That's it, done. And then I just drive it. I mean, I bought my...

I've only... That's the second new car I've ever bought. Like, the first new car, I bought a Prius. I drove it for 10 years. You still drive that Prius? No, I don't. I don't.

Yeah, you do. We went to the football game in the Prius oh yeah no but I've since gotten rid of it yeah yeah but I drove that car forever and I loved that car and I didn't give a shit every you know all the stupid gay bashing crap that would happen with that car was actually a really interesting car to own because no matter how bad the gas prices got back then, it was always under 40 bucks. And when they would go down, there was days I would fill that car, it'd be like 23 bucks. And the way the shit I would get for driving that car never quite ended. But when gas prices were low, the homophobia was high on driving the car.

But when gas prices went up, the homophobia came down. And all of a sudden, people would be coming up to you. How much does it cost to fill, I think? You like that car? Can you handle it? It's all right? And I would just laugh and be like, dude, you were shitting on this car fucking three months ago. Yeah.

A Prius is literally like that friend you have that's just there for you and never wants anything shows up to the party always bring stuff helps you fucking clean up doesn't dump their day on you it's a fucking great car i wish i could find i wish you could find something like that for georgia we got to buy georgia a. And I'm having issues with she doesn't want too nice of a car because she doesn't want to look like a rich kid. But I don't want a piece of shit in my driveway that will be the last car out and I got to drive around in. You know, does that make sense?

Like I don't want to have to drive some bullshit car dude she's not going to look like a rich person i mean look what happened to bmw i mean a 16 year old can afford a lease on one of those things that's what i told her oh bill that's what i told her we have one where our lease is up and i said why don't i just buy it outright and give it to you she goes i don't want to look like a rich kid and i go maybe this is a used car this is affordable this is what you would be able to drive she's like no I don't want that I don't want to look like a rich kid I want to look like a regular kid like I want to beat her and I went for what reason what for what reason just I think

self-consciousness I think being a kid in Hollywood or in LA is I bet there's a rat race I don't know about, about celebrity parents or wealth or money. And Georgia's not that kid. She is very like, she has never asked for anything in her life. Like she's not a kid. Oh my God, dude. Georgia's your daughter.

Yeah. I thought that was your wife's name. That's why I made that joke last week going, oh, oh, oh, God, Vermont. I never would have said that about your daughter. I'm so sorry. Oh, my God, dude. I can't believe you let me get away with that.

I didn't understand what you were saying. I said, that's his wife's name, but I couldn't, like, the audio didn't go over, and then I asked, and nobody said it. My God, dude. I am so sorry. I didn't like, the audio didn't go over and then asked and nobody said anything. My God, dude, I am so sorry. I didn't even catch it. I would have sent you a gift basket of IPAs, dude. I'm really sorry about that.

I'm drinking IPAs right now. I get your kid. No, I totally get that because you're- Like were you that kid when you were 16 and your dad was like, Bill, let me get you a BMW. Would you have been like, dad, that's not me? Or would you have been like, fucking let's do this. I probably would have said I, I had no confidence.

I didn't need that attention. Then hot chicks would have liked me and I would have imploded. I would have totally imploded. If you ride a cool car, like with no confidence, I mean, it's fucking hilarious. I wanted a Sirocco so bad. I love that car. That was the baddest fucking car, man.

Dude, I know there was this cool kid in my grade, had one a few years after. I remember he had the CD player, the external CD player, because they didn't have one yet. It was insane that he plugged in, and that was a big thing. Don't go over bumps so the CD would skip. And I just remember looking at that car being like, oh, my God, that fucking thing is amazing jenna volkswagen owned cool car like the jetta was a cool car

the soraka was a cool car like and they were affordable i we i got a fox when i was 16 brand new my buddy had one of those like nine thousand dollars my dad was like paying like 150 bucks a month and i remember i wanted a sirocco he's like buddy there's 16 000 no one's affording that like i can get you trust me for half the money i get you a five you got you got a new car so you're so that's why you're sitting there going like well my dad so then get her the equivalent of a fox there it doesn't exist right now. Yeah, it does. No, meaning anything like Honda Accords

are fucking like $50,000. I don't know. Accord is their higher model than the Civic. You don't necessarily go to Honda. I'm sure you get a Kia. But then I start saying I want her to be Google's got cheapest new cars. I want to get her something big so that if she gets in an accident,

she's safe. And takes everybody else out. I like the way you say it. No witnesses. No witnesses. So I just, part of me is like, I told her, I said, let me get you like an expedition or an explorer or something big like so that we have it because i also meant up gonna end up driving this and i don't want to get in a car where i'm like uncomfortable dude as much as people shit on smart cars when's the last time you heard about somebody getting

killed in one uh cars are really fucking safe i'm not saying get a smart car although i love that car i fucking love that that car is the car when you were a little kid, you wish you had literally a go-kart that can go like 80 miles an hour. Oh, those little tiny ones. Yeah. So for what it does, as long as you don't get hit in that car, that car is the shit. That car is the fucking shit. Like I would like to take one of those things and redo it and put like the fastest engine or maybe just make it electric then you got this fucking thing that the only thing easier to find a parking with parking with is a motorcycle oh i would just be worried if you made that thing electric that it would literally just like tip

over when you stepped on the gas when your head hits the back of the window um no you come up with andrew all right we got'm going to list them. 2020 Chevrolet Spark LS is $15,000. The 2020 Mitsubishi Mirage ES is $16,400. The 2020 Kia Rio LX is $16,800. Kia? Hang on. Hyundai X.

Who makes the Genesis? Hyundai. Man, that is a beautiful fucking car have you seen that bill the honda genesis is a gorgeous fucking car gorgeous it is like i i would argue it's nicer than a mercedes nicer than a bmw and very affordable i want i i almost feel like you cut some backdoor deal with them on the podcast. No. But you just signed off on that. I'll tell you what I saw that really,

I loved the other day I saw this. It was a Ford F600, 1978. All right, all right. Let's go there. Flathead, dual wheels. I think when I was a little kid, I don't think I ever got over Tonka trucks. I'm more of a truck motorcycle guy. I love motorcycles.

I'm too afraid. I ride scared. I can't do it. What truck, if you had to buy her a new truck, what truck that is new that you see out there that you like? Because she wants a pickup truck. She wants a pickup truck or a minivan oh dude you know what i would do i would buy a used dodge hemi the two-door short bed there's one for sale right now i just saw it up in in fresno

a blue one that that truck is the shit it's got a hemi it fucking flies i mean i'm'm a Ford guy. The front end on that, because Dodge fucked their front ends up. Hang on, hang on. I don't know what's happening. Hang on, hang on. Something happened. Sorry, did you hear that?

I heard a little bit of something. Dodge Hemi? Dodge Hemi. I think it's a 1500 Hemi. You want the short bed. No extra cab. None of that shit. It's just a fucking, it's the old school regular cab with the short bed.

It's one of the best looking fucking trucks in modern time. She wants a pickup truck or a minivan are her two options. I'm like, both my kids want vans. Isla wants a white van with no windows. And Georgia wants a min van with no windows and and georgia wants a minute all right i would get i would get her an old ford those um what the fuck were those things called those uh the mid-60s uh echo liner equal liner oh yeah yeah those things are so fucking cool yeah they're so fucking cool you put some craregers, Krega rims on that thing?

Yeah. I told Isla, I said, if you want, I'll get you a van, but I'm going to pimp it out. Like, I want to flood. I want it to be like six captain's chairs in it. Like, just really cash. She's like, that's exactly what I'm looking for. Georgia wants to be sensible custom vans from like the 70s and 80s they fucking totally did

those things up yeah do they make vans anymore uh minivans minivans are actually amazing fucking cars they are amazing like and we used to we used to always get a minivan when we did production, you'd always get a minivan and they're fucking great. Like it might be like the perfect car. It's super comfortable. Everyone's comfortable. You can fall asleep in them. They've like two captain's chairs in the back, a bench in the back.

I would question the bench. I think there's four people that are comfortable. If you're number five or more in the back, I don't know that it's that comfortable. Unless you're the only person in the back you get to lay down. Yeah. I remember we tried to talk my dad

into buying a van in the 70s. We would always go to the car show. And this is when they were just pimping these fucking things out. And I remember we went inside this van, right? And it had all of these captain's chairs with cup holders, and they swiveled. And all we were saying, all the kids in the family were just like, Dad, you got to get this thing.

And it had like wood, you know, wood grain and all of this shit that they put. It was so fucking cool. So fucking cool. But instead, we got a Caprice Classic station wagon. It was so fucking cool. So fucking cool. But instead, we got a Caprice Classic station wagon. It was cool. It had a small V8 in it. It had the fake wood paneling. It was maroon with the fake.

It was like an 83. But it had the wire rims. Like, they definitely, it was the one time they really spent money. But they liked the old school station wagon. Wait, what was that? Tell me what it was. I want to see a picture. My mom had station wagons growing up.

Capri? 1983 Caprice Classic station wagon. It was maroon with wood siding. Faux wood, I think. I'm looking it up. Caprice Classic. Oh, wow, Bill. bill yeah that thing was sick oh man i would love a dragon wagon what's a dragon wagon that's what we used to call them

a dragon wagon my mom had the ford country squire oh that was it right there so before it became like a uh a big bubble oh yeah man i'll, that car there, the Caprice Classic four-door, is a fucking man's car. 1983 Caprice Classic four-door, that is a fucking man's car. I had a buddy of mine who was a fucking man. He would fight anybody. He had a sky blue one. I loved that car.

Dude. I hate it. Once they became all rounded off off unless they were like a sports car my love for cars is really you know back in the day i my mom had a white wood-grained ford country squire and she must have had she must have had three different ones on leases i'm sure but like and i remember getting that and driving that my freshman we had that when i was a sophomore in high school and we were driving that and dudes would just get wasted in the back and you just drive around and oh man oh yeah i went to an acdc concert in a station wagon. It was tremendous. It's fucking tremendous.

What happened to the station wagon, Bill? What happened to the station wagon? The minivan. Is it the minivan or is it the SUV? SUV, maybe. Yeah, SUV, minivans, and all of that type of stuff. I remember when the height of the SUV thing in the late 90s, living out here in LA, I remember thinking, I just want to get a truck so I can see over the fucking truck in front of me. I just hated being behind that wall because I needed to see the traffic was moving. I don't know, something was wrong with my car, so I rented an SUV, and I got in traffic, and I got stuck behind an SUV,

and I still couldn't see behind it because it was still so big. And I was just like, all right, this is stupid. That was like when everybody, and that's when it was just like the excursion, the explorer, conqueror of lands unknown. It just kept getting bigger and bigger and bigger. The first time I got into an excursion, I sat in it, and I was like, shut the fuck up. I was The first time I got into an excursion, I sat in it and I was like,

shut the fuck up. I was dating a girl whose dad had an excursion. And I got in the excursion and I was like, moving from side to side, like, you can run in here. This is amazing. I knew a comic that had a Lexus SUV in the late 90s, early 2000s. And I don't know why, but like all the American ones, they were big lumbering V8s or whatever.

I don't know what the Japanese did with this fucking thing. This thing hauled ass and it was huge. It was incredible. I couldn't believe, like we were still coming out of that era. Like I'm old enough to remember when speedometers only went up to 80 during that awful period and the car you know the car was designed to break down at 60,000 miles which from what i heard is what bmw did they kind of did that to there and they fucked with their brand a little bit but now they're back they had a bad period where they were doing shit like that but um so but all the japanese cars like my buddy had a honda accord

and it went up to 120 and i was like can this car do 120 you just stepped on the gas i remember doing like 85 90 i'm like dude slow down because it was too much traffic but the car didn't shake at all it was really like a um one of the biggest fuck-ups in amer America as far as like when we used to make great cars. And when they did that 20-year period where they fucked over their own countrymen and the Japanese kept making cars, you know, that would last. And then they also would go up to like, I mean, when I was in the 80s, the Toyotas were the shit other Other than that, they rusted out if you lived up on the East Coast

because I loved their pickup trucks. I even liked the base model that came with the white rims because it was four-wheel drive. I liked that blue one that had the white rims on it. Dude, I swear to God, man, if I was single and still working as a comic, like those are the kinds of things that I would buy.

I wouldn't buy. Go through and list every car you've owned. Can you explain about the cars that I like is I don't like a fucking Shelby GT 500 Mustang, the bullet car that every fucking baby boomer wants to buy. So there are a million bucks. I like weird shit. Yeah. 78 Ford F 600. I'd have one of those. baby boomer wants to buy so they're a million bucks i like weird shit yeah 78 ford f600

i'd have one of those i'd have a gmc uh you know from stripes you know that motorhome i'd have the green the lime green i'd have it in that um 67 cadillac eldorado 67 Cadillac El Dorado. I want a 72 Cadillac convertible El Dorado. Which year? 72 is red, white interior. There's one I've been stalking. Do you know what I saw the other day that I

love? I saw a late 70s Z28. It's like the Smokey and the Bandit car style. Not the, what is it called? The F body or whatever, the one from the 80s. I love those things. I love those early 80s.

I love an Oldsmobile Cutlass. Two-door coupe with the fucking T-tops and some sick-ass fucking engine. I like those. I like the, I like the, um, I like mob boss cars. All of those fucking, those,

those, you know, I'll tell you one other one. And I like, uh, the Datsun. What the fuck was it called? Uh, there's a Datsun that people always get like a four door Datsun,

not, not a two 10. Cause the B two 10 was the ugliest fucking car I ever saw. There's a, there's a Datsun. Um, 210, because the B210 was the ugliest fucking car I ever saw. There's a Datsun. Fuck, what is it called? There is a 210. There is a 210. All right, is that from the early 70s?

Yeah, that's an ugly-ass car. That's not the car. There's a Datsun that people trick out. It's almost like those early 70s BMWmws the 2002s that everybody loves it's sort of dotson uh version that these people like trick them out man i fucking love those um i'll tell you what you know what you know what car my buddy my buddy's dad had and we we drove it to boca grand was a lincoln mark 7 that was the one of the greatest cars it was so fucking spacious and comfortable and it drove like a fucking sports car i to this day i missed

i remember thinking that's a car i wouldn't mind having yeah like continental i do like the one from entourage but entourage kind of made Made it cheesy. Well, it made it, like, mainstream. Not cheesy, because it's such a gorgeous car, but... Then I like old-school limos. Oh! No, dude, I'm talking, like, back in the 50s.

I'm talking Rolling Stones. When the Rolling Stones did that documentary, they had a limo, like a Cadillac limo, and it just seemed like, why wouldn't I get that car? Like, why wouldn't I have an old school Cadillac limo? It's just beautiful. There's a Mercedes that John Lennon bought. Elvis bought it.

Mercedes just gave some of their creators money and just said, go make the best fucking car that's ever been made. go make the best fucking car that's ever been made. And they wanted it for dip, like around the world, like diplomats, dictators, they're the ones that bought this car and Elvis and, and John Lennon had this car. And it was just like,

they made like a stretch limo, Mercedes Benz. Like, I don't know. I think when you first get into cars, it's almost like you're into the mainstream and shit like that. Like, you like the Mustangs and the Camaro.

Like, I'd say Camaro, my favorite Camaro is the 1971. That is the Corvette lights in the back and that shark sort of pointed nose in the front. Like, that thing is just a monster. Have you seen the new 2020 Corvette? No, but I've seen the new Ford Bronco. You seen that? Oh just a monster. Have you seen the new 2020 Corvette? No, but I've seen the new Ford Bronco. Oh, my God.

Well, the Ford Bronco kind of looks like one of those other cars. I like the old school Ford Bronco. The one Rogan has, that's the fucking Ford Bronco I like. I like the full-size one. I like the one OJ had. Oh, yeah. But not that year. I like the front end on the Ford from 80 to 86. That full size one.

My neighbor up the street when I was a kid had the 79 or a 78. He had that front end because the Bronco became full size in like 78 or 79. Those things are amazing. Like that's the one you want. And then you take it to a guy who can fix that cap in the back because every guy I knew that had one, you take it off one time, you never got it on flush again, and they always leaked. Oh, yeah.

You have somebody upgrade that one. That's a great fucking car. Now, that's not the right one in. It looks better than the Bronco II. 1983 or 84. Do you remember the Bronco II, Bill? Yes. Bronco II had the Bronco 2, Bill? Yes. Bronco 2 had the windows that went up on the top.

Yep. I remember I got driven to school in a Bronco 2 stick shift every day. That probably had a four-cylinder in it, right? Yeah. Sam Salario used to drive me to school. Introduced me to the coolest fucking music ever. The Smiths, Suzy and the banshees public image limited uh fucking i missed out on all of that music i was just so listening to metal and anything that had any sort

of feeling in it as far as like i'm sad i was just like this is pussy music yeah i was very lucky because i got in the car with him i didn't know him we just both lived in lutes and he was my big brother because they'd pair you up with a big brother when you went to our high school so they could drive you to school i remember him picking up for school the first day and he's like uh you like the smiths and i was like i've never heard of the smiths and he's like well that's all we're listening to and for a full year we listen to the smiths suzy and the banshees uh i mean just all and and now I love that music. I wonder what ever happened to Sam Solerio.

What a fuck... I knew his sister really well. But it's amazing, like, just that you get into someone's life for a second and then shift the way they see things forever. Like, now I like that music a lot. A lot. Because of Sam Solerio. Fucking Sam Solerio. Do you think that that can happen to you at this age? forever like now i like that music a lot a lot because of sam slayer fucking sam slayer that

can happen to you at this age why don't i think that's what the woke movement's about is trying to shift my perspective i don't know i i i don't know i think the woke movement is is everybody gets to compete for everything. Yeah. Which I do not have a problem with. I don't have a problem with that. Yeah.

I have a problem with people calling themselves woke. Yeah. It's like, no, that's what other people say. But I think it was like non-white people said, it's a compliment. Like, oh, you actually get it. And then somewhere along the line white chicks just started going oh i'm woke i'm a woke it's not just that but whatever woke signaling and all of this shit have you had moments with your wife where she like early in your relationship

where she was like oh no that's the thing and you saw it all of a sudden your perspective shifted you're like oh that is fucked up. Like, uh, like, um, yes and no. I mean, I'm an argumentative person, but like, I have this weird thing where like sometimes something,

if she says it, I will argue the other side. But then if my white friend says what I was just arguing, I will then argue her side. I mean, I'm like, I swear to God, if I was a chick,

I would be the biggest cunt you ever met. I would be a fucking spinster, old maid, and I would deserve every second of it because men are not as forgiving as women. So luckily I was born a guy and I found a saint like my wife to marry me. I find, I find the fact that you don't talk,

you haven't really talked about your marriage other than this last special a little bit. Um, I find that fascinating. So I'm someone that if anything happens to me, it goes right on stage. Like I'm already right. I've got all kinds of shit.

Like I can't believe you fucking told that story. I, I talk about it quite a bit, I think. And this last special was the first time I heard you talk about the race dynamic with you and your wife at all. I've never heard. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, because it's not a fact. I'm impressed by it.

I'm impressed by it. This is the thing about all of that, what I've told people, is because when you're at home, it's just the person you're with. So all of that bullshit, it's when you go out into the world that that stuff is all applied. But when you're home, it's just the same man-woman, like man-woman like miscommunicating things that happen. It's not like, oh oh is that how you make toast you know i'm like all of those dumb things comparisons about how fucking different you are

uh you know that wasn't one of the one of the things like back in the day when i was doing talents rooms um the uptown rooms which was was basically the, you know, all black crowds. When I first came in, like, it was just like culture shock as far as like, I was so like, okay, what am I going to talk about? So in my head, that all black people to me were just like this one giant Patrice, you know? Yeah. And then after like two, three months, it became, oh, that guy's like Bert. This guy's like that. And then after a while, it's the whole thing just goes away. And you almost like forget.

If you do it enough, it just starts becoming like a show, which is what I wanted to end up like having happen so like that feeds into why I guess I don't talk about my wife in terms of you know and my wife who happens to be this I mean that was the first time it sort of pertained to what I was talking about yeah plus I hated that when I would see because I've seen other comics do that and I always felt like so I you're sort of you like are dating a bit like uh uh your day it's like a like you you put yourself into like a situation comedy yeah because because I I felt like it was cartoonish to sit there and be like,

you know, we wake up, you know, and I put on my white music and then she has this stuff. And I'm like, I don't know what that is. You know, like I didn't want to do. I thought it was way more interesting to do it to show similarities than to do the classic. I found that I always actually looked up to like you and dc benny because dc benny was married to a black chick too it still is i think

but he never it was never like part of his act it was just like oh yeah i fell in love and you know whatever and so i always thought i think if it's real if it's real and that's how you talk about him if it isn't then it's like how you would talk about like anything like one time i was dating this psycho chick one time you know i was dating you know i was with this this uh this fat chick yeah it's become like a cartoon you know and then and then the bit just be this because when you're with the big girl you can't be letting him get on top of you all that dumb shit. I never liked, I don't know.

That's just my own preference. No, it's, I've always found it admirable. Like, cause I think I've mined everything in my life for comedy. So I think I would, I would have definitely tried to mine that as well.

Like, although maybe. If there is a particular thing that is specific I will do that I remember there was a time when I was doing a bit that actually dealt with us being you know of different races and it was because one of Nia's friends was driving cross country by himself. And he was a black dude. So I was on the phone with him, talking to him like he was a white dude.

Going like, oh yeah, you gotta take Route 66 and fucking check out this. And dude, there's a fucking, you go through Alabama, you gotta check out Saw's Barbecue. I was just doing fucking talking to him like he was white and my wife heard it goes is he driving across country and this panic got in her voice and she jumped on the phone and she's like stay on the highways

do not get off the fucking highways only drive during the day and it was like a really like wow man like this is his country too and he is driving across this thing the way i would drive across fucking russia if i had no passport yeah so that was a real um so to be able to see that and then see all these people on the internet who try to say that you know racism it was an old thing it doesn't exist this whole black lives matter thing is stupid like when i saw that and i heard the fucking terror in her voice it was like a you know it like it's fucking real like and so that was like something that I then took to the stage how like because it was something comedic as tragic as that that situation exists is there was something funny

about me just talking to him you know check out SeaWorld when you get to Texas you got to get yourself some boots you know I was I was like I was talking to my mom or something. Yeah. Well, it's so fascinating because despite my interests, and my interests have always been hip-hop my whole life. I just told someone the other day when I was in sixth grade when you talk to girls on the phone, I would have, you know, you had the stereo. I would have two tapes in.

I would listen to hip-hop. But if a girl called i'd hit pause and put like reggae on because i didn't want to feel like i just didn't think they liked it so despite my interest about reggae reggae just seemed cooler like seemed like what a cool guy would listen to i love that you were that outside yourself oh i've always been that outside myself you're just like i like this music but no one's gonna like me right what would I have to do guys that people like what do they listen to I think they listen to this I mean that really captures that part of you know when you're growing up

oh I bill I can't I can't not get outside of myself on almost anything on almost anything like and i think it's good i think it's good and i think it's bad i think uh sometimes damage control wise it's really good because i see things ahead of things and i go that's it's not going to come out well it's why it's it's definitely why i'm having a hard time buying a car because the car I want is not too expensive for me, but I feel like, thinking outside myself, it does not, it doesn't send, it sends the wrong message if I pull up at the comedy store

and I'm in a really expensive car. All these kids who haven't been working for fucking 10 months are gonna be like, must be nice. All right, so if there's no pandemic, what car does Bert pull up in? Oh, I really want a big bodied uh a big bodied sedan luxury car like Mercedes or BMW 7 series or like the the really nice I love a big bodied so I've always wanted let me rephrase that I've always wanted

in my dream scenario to have a big bodied sedan at my age. Like, whether it's the DTS, the Cadillac DTS, the old school one. Like, I want a big fucking sedan. Well, here's the thing. If you want to buy an old car right now, right now is during an economic downturn, which I don't know how it gets any bigger than this. Yeah. You can take a car off somebody's hands, get a good deal on it, give them some some fucking cash and then you can have that thing redone and the time we come out of this you'll have like you know dude like i like those 70s cars that literally look those sedans that literally look like you're gonna take that

little gumball siren and put it on top yeah pull somebody over i love all of that shit yeah i i would love that but then i just feel like and this is clearly, I don't know what's right. Is it right to just go, I'll just get whatever car I want? Or is it right to think about how that represents the way you look at people? You know, like if I get a super expensive car or a luxury car and I pull up at the store, I feel like an asshole. Do what you, no, fuck that, dude. Like, listen, those young kids seeing that, you know,

it makes them want to work harder. That's how – if I was younger, that's how I would look at it. And I got to be honest with you, I, like, live vicariously through people spending money sometimes. Yeah, me too. Like, I love, you know, I love Rogan's cars. Rogan's got great cars. He's got great cars.

He's got great cars in the way he appreciates them, and he can talk about them. He's not just some guy that just, you know, has got some money and he buys a car. He talks about what he does to them and all of that type of stuff. But, like, I, you know, you know, I don't know. As much as I come off like a cunt, I really root for people. Like, I don't, you know, I don't want to see somebody not succeed. So if I saw you pulling up in that,

I wouldn't have a problem with it. It'd be cool as shit. Yeah, I know. I just feel like I'm very cognizant of, I think because I got so many comics slam me for doing these, doing, working, you know, and doing these drive-ins. And I talked to a couple of them

that had said things about me. Slamming just the idea that I'm do I'm working that and they're not working and they can't do it and it's irresponsible they just said negative things about me working and I and I I talked to a couple of them and then said so you know and I realized very quickly they've shifted and it's just a lot of our friends are not working, and a lot of our friends are in financial hardship that we're not. Genuinely, we're not at the beginning of the year. And so I'm very trying to be conscious of everything.

Like I was saying, just because you're a draw, and if you go out there and then you get this thing to go longer, I mean, I'm a lighty dude. I'm trying to figure out how to do shows right now where people are going to be safe

because I don't- Starvin, Bill. I got you. Huh? I'm not doing shows where people are sitting in their fucking cars flashing lights at me.

They're not flashing lights at you, Bill. They're fucking awesome shows. It's just like doing a USO show or doing an arena show it's a big well i'll i'll i'll look into it let's get back to cars i'll tell you the biggest fucking sled i've ever seen and they i don't you probably can't even find one of these cars because they all got junked is whatever that car is harvey kytel drives in mean streets. I don't know what it is.

I'm going to look it up. I'll look it up right now. Hang on one second. Oh, look at that Caprice Classic wagon. I also love the station wagon. All right. I love the station wagon. Harvey Keitel car in mean streets.

It's a 1972 Imperial LeBaron. A 1972? Chrysler Imperial LeBaron. LeBaron's a great car. Look at the mean-ass front end on that fucking car. Holy shit. Now, that's a gangster car. Look at the,

that's a fucking two door coupe, man. You could park two and a half Priuses with that thing. That is gorgeous. Yeah. And I see if you got that thing redone, God, you know,

it'd be amazing is if you took the fucking engine out, you made it electric and you did like that fucking Tesla thing. We had on where you had on you had a motor on each uh on all four wheels yeah that level of torque instantly it's fucking quiet as shit and then you do like inside it still looks like 1972 and they just hide where you can plug in your phone and shit oh i know what i'm doing all day now i'm looking for a fucking classic car you gotta do it i want convertible or not convertible uh i i i got a weird thing with convertibles why well i think i think like

it's a chick car if it's the convertible unless it's a big car but then you gotta look like nick nolte in 48 hours you gotta have that ex cop what cop what car is that what car that's the car i want uh well i remember eddie going a piece of shit sky blue cadillac so it was a uh it was some sort of yeah oh wow look at this fucking car dude i could do that forever as far as like figuring out like what the cars were that people drove i'll tell you a great one too steve mcgarrett in hawaii 50 because i'm not good with the hemi's and the chrysler shit i i know ford and then chevy people always shitting on ford so i know a lot of chevy stuff too it's a it's a 64 cadillac deville convertible oh is it that old 60 well yeah you think about it was that you know what i loved about the cadillac how the tail fins got bigger and bigger and bigger and like to 1959 and then they slowly

tapered them back down 64 is there still just a little tail fin on that thing or no uh yeah no there's a tail fin there's a big tail fin hey we should get it not compared to fucking 59 no no no that thing is like taller than me and then it's got the two brake lights on it can we get a classic car guy on here to talk classic cars i would love to fucking break down cars i wish they could do with cars what they've done with everything else like literally go i would love to understand design of cars and how we got to where we are now and no trends in design of like why the Sirocco had that safety car safety. I learned that when I did Seinfeld's car comedians and cars,

the reason why so many look similar and all of that is because the, the lines with which that they're allowed to create between used to be is, is it was whatever your imagination could basically come up with um but if you watch some of these fucking videos dude that i was telling you about i like late night on um andrew what's the what's the turner turner classic turner classic movies late night friday night they show crazy shit at like two in the morning they'll show like you know cult classic movies and then they'll show like old cop training videos and they showed like some old driver's ed videos of how you can die behind the wheel dude and the shit from the late 50s it always reminds me of that leno bit

where they would talk about how those old cars how they had all this stuff sticking out at you so you get impaled on it and then when you died they just they yank you off hose it off for the next guy but like dude that was back when the engine went right back into the firewall the steering column to steer you and got impaled on that dude i saw this guy slammed into a tree and he was squirting out the side like toothpaste It was fucking nuts. So with that, and all of a sudden, I think what's his face? Who's the guy who ran for president who killed the Covey, the Chevy Covey? Oh, God, what's his name? Ed Kennedy?

No. Gary Hart? No, he was one of the good guys,'t be corrupted and of course everybody said he was a socialist commie because he was doing something for people uh ralph nader oh yeah so guys like ralph nader i think started you know pressuring car companies to make just the sheer amount of people dying to make the cars safer now here's thing. His heart was in the right place, but when you look at global warming and all of that, considering we weren't going to do anything about it, and we were still going to pollute the environment,

those people dying, in a way, was a greener thing. It's like you can never, there's always going to be something that suffers. But anyways, what I learned from doing the Seinfeld thing is they just had to keep making cars safer and safer. And, I mean, it's really incredible now what you can hit and not die. It's fucking insane. Yeah, but the way you could dissect comedy and say,

you know, there's a lot of guys that their style is like this. Well, that's because of Mitch Hedberg. There's a lot of guys whose style is like that. that's because of mitch hedberg um there's a lot of guys whose styles like that and that's because of a tell or stephen right or you know i would love to know that with cars like like oh yeah that rounded back on the soroccos because of the porsche 911 and and they they also made an impulse and the impulse had to say and it's all based off of this one designer you know what i mean yeah i'd be curious who do you think knows more seinfeld or leno about cars uh leno because i think jerry is is um like his act very laser focused on porsches certain types porsches but he also liked the Saab Turbo

I remember him talking about that car like he had a very like it seems to me he likes that refined European stuff like I mean the cars that they make over there are incredible and what the interesting thing about that is because they considered so many of our designs crude and vulgar. If you look at the landscape, we had all of this land and we had straight roads. So you stick a giant engine in it and floor it, you can do that. And over there, you know, so many of their roads are like old cow paths and shit. And there's all of these turns. So they really had to focus on turning ability and suspension and all of that. So much more so where we were just trying to like, you know, go down the drag strip and try to beat somebody off the line.

They were trying to like diving into the corners and all of that type of stuff. I'm really glossing over. No, no, no, no, but that makes sense. You're right because our thing was like 1950s drag racing, you know, straightaways. That makes sense. Yeah, like I don't think theres drag racing, you know, straightaways. That makes sense. Yeah, like I don't think there's drag racing in Europe. Like, and I would think that they would say

that is the most basic, crudest form from a distance. Because I've been to a drag race. Drag racing, it's some of the most fun shit, drinking beers, just betting the whole fucking day. I went with it. Well, they had the Big Daddy Don Garlisless one i would rather go to one where it's guys who are working other jobs and work on their car on the weekend those guys are the coolest people ever so i would like to see that i've done i've raced uh the blowers which is in the mud i've raced the trucks and i've done drag racing and i'll tell you when

you added that thing on top of the engine to suck more air in uh i don't know the block ones where you can't you can't like you can go yeah yeah it's basically the the technology all i know is you hold down a button and floor it and the second you see the light go green all you do is let go of the button and hold your hands straight and it is fucking terrifying fucking terrifying like it is and by the way very doable bill if you ever want to do that i can totally make that happen i've done it so many times but a drag so we went drag racing and i didn't drive the guy drove i was sitting next to him and they put a neck brace around me helmet and then they put my hands in a harness so i couldn't move my hands they put my like they basically like tethered my hands to my to the

harness i was in to my seat belt and i was like what and they go we just don't want your hands doing anything crazy you're gonna take off and your instinct will be like what like you don't and none of that shit we just want you to go and man i pulled all the muscles in my chest just trying to pull away like it's instinctual the second you go what is it zero i want to say it was like zero to 103 seconds it was just it was so fucking intense yeah i don't want to do that i'm not a speed guy too i have a real respect for speed and i think if you're gonna do speed you have to be a speed guy and i'm not dude you see the cars i like yeah like rvs and station wagons and trucks I'm not trying to do that fucking burnouts

and all of that shit. I like watching people do that. I have no interest in doing that. Now I'm going to look upset. We didn't even talk about the book. We'll talk about that next week. I would go off-roading, though. I do like that. Oh, mudding? Mudding, yeah. I would definitely do that. 64 Cadillac DeVille

convertible is what I'm buying for sale, Bill. All right, I got to look it up. Oh, wow. These are fucking gorgeous. 64, I'm looking that up. Team 64. Oh, wow.

Cadillac what? 64 Cadillac DeVille convertible. Cadillac DeVille convertible. I always think convertible is A, B, L, E. Oh, look at that one in silver. Silver with the white walls. Now that car right there, dude, when it's dropped down with that silver with the black,

you can't have fuzzy dice hanging from it. That's fucking hacky at this point, I think. $18,000, Bill. $18,000. You spend another $80,000, and it'll look like the cars you're looking at. I'll tell you the car that I loved. What's that? It's the one Chaz Palminteri back down the street. That Caddy in a Bronx tail.

Oh, yeah. That candy apple red oh my god and that and like i fucking love the the four headlights you know one on top of the other on the front end yeah yeah i'm i'm yeah i love those cars those fucking gangster cars those the cars the mob guys the flashy mob guys are you watching that thing on on Netflix about Giuliani and that case when they took down the five bosses of the mob family? No. Wait, what is this called? Right now I got David Foster.

And what's the other one? What's that one called? I don't know what it's called. You can find it. It's called kind of a weird name, scary town or something it sounds like a rap metal band i'll look for it dude i gotta be honest with you man your recommendations have been spot on we haven't talked about it we'll save it for the next podcast but i'm in the middle of fly boys right now i want to get done to it i want to i want to finish it oh that's why i can i can talk

to you about it but But there's a bookstore. So I have a P.O. box. You've gotten to the cannibalism part yet? I haven't gotten to there, Bill. I haven't gotten there. I have a P.O. box and I tell everyone, send me your shit. I'll put up my Instagram stories. I'll try to promote your business.

And a local bookstore listens to this podcast. It's five and under books, ten and under books. They're all in the valley. And they sent me a box full of books. And on the note on the cover said this is the book bill recommended to you should read it bill well i don't want to talk about this book yet all i will say is i read the preface i've never read a preface in my fucking life i read the preface and i went that's good and then the beginning of the book starts with, to tell the story properly, I've got to go back 200 years. I'm the kind of guy that when I read a book, I see that and I go, just get to the fucking story, man.

I fucking hate when they do that. They've got to set the table. It's like, get to what I want to read about. But it's so fucking fascinating that I'm enjoying every word of this book. Like, I'm enjoying this book so much that it makes. Okay. What's amazing about that book. Another thing that's amazing is you will look at George Herbert Walker Bush

way differently because his whole public persona was not going to do it. Wouldn't be prudent at this juncture. I'm going to set up a committee and all of that, that shit. And you see what this fucking guy did when he was 18, 19 years old. Woo! I actually just started reading about him a little bit. They're introducing the Flyboys right now.

And you read that and you're like, these are men. These are dudes that are 18 years old, 130 pounds. At first, it seems like the dumbest name for the book, and then you realize that they really were just adults. How crazy is it, Bill, that we should stop? Because I want to talk about this. I'll tell you something else, dude, is how new aviation was. Yeah, that's what I was about to say.

When the guy was like, I can take out your whole armada with fucking one plane, and they're like, I'd like to see that. And he's like, don't even hit them on the fucking deck. Just do side bombs. And they fucking took it down in 18 minutes. It's amazing. But I'm just also saying, though, as far as what they understood about flying, like so much of the shit that we know now today was because of what those fucking guys were doing.

I mean, you want to talk about testing the limits of what an aircraft can do, is like if you become a military pilot, if somebody starts shooting at you, there is no fucking way you're going to stay. I think nowadays, I don't think that human beings can fly beyond the envelope of what they have. But back then, you could. And there's stories of guys, like whatever they're doing, I know I don't fly planes, but like going into roles to try to get

somebody off to survive. The blood and not knowing to fucking, you know, hold yourself tense. The blood going down to their feet. They fucking pass out. And by luck, the blood comes back. They regain consciousness as they're going to pull back. Dude, I saw one guy. He fucking, they shot at him. His plane catches on fire. And one of their big things about piloting was, I don't want to burn to death.

So the move was, with this guy, he said in his head, if I ever catch on fire, I'm just nosing that thing over and that's it. Which sounds fucking insane until you're on fire. So he gets hit, he's on fire, he noses this fucking thing forward, and he went so fucking fast down to the ground because he was on fire that he put the fire out because the fire couldn't be fed by the oxygen anymore somehow like i don't know what i don't know it doesn't make sense to me because he's still in oxygen it's just the way it was rushing past caused a vacuum i don't know what happened but he ended up putting it out and then pulling back a stick with his fucking legs smoldering.

Going, all right, I guess I'm going to live. And then this is the thing. And then, like, you'd land, and they'd give you, like, a belt of whiskey to get over, and they'd give you a couple days off, and then you're back in another fucking plane. Dude, these guys are – To get shot at again. When they talk about the japanese and how they treated their

soldiers and they're like no they would beat us every fucking day and when they get tired they have us beat each other and you're going how does that not fuck up your dna as a culture is that's your dad that's all the dads all the dads it. It's fucking. And then you're like, you're just giving each other fucking CTE before you even go. No, there was so much stuff where, that happened in the South Pacific that they don't really discuss because I just, I just think because white people basically have been telling the story, they identify more with like Europe. Yeah. they identify more with like europe yeah so through the shit like how fucking hardcore dude just the just literally the environment of the south pacific versus fighting in europe as

bad as the winters and all of that shit because it was all bad but like just the malaria the diseases the poisonous shit just the shit you could step on when you were out there forget about then that the culture clash over there where like you would never surrender as a Japanese soldier you would never surrender and the fact that we would they viewed you if you surrendered you were sub-fucking-human and they already said they already made us not human they said we had tails they said if we fucking caught them we'd eat their children they did the same shit we were doing to them it was it was really like i read one time like world two was it was a fucking race war it was a giant

fucking race war yeah and um we're the supreme and god loves us the best you know we're the perfect human beings it was a lot of that shit shit. I've never been more empathetic for Native Americans and Mexicans in my life. Like, meaning, I read a book about Empire Under the Moon, Under the Summer Moon, and I read it and I felt like I learned a lot. But for some reason, the way this guy writes, for the first time in my life, I read it and I went, God, like, and maybe it's all this shit going on in the world right now with, I, I, for the first time in my life, I read it and I went, God, like,

and I, maybe it's every, all this shit going on in the world right now with like, with, with, it's also a testament how good that guy is as a writer. He's a great fucking writer. I was like,

God damn it, man. Mexicans got, Mexico got fucked. Native Americans got fucked beyond, like beyond what I ever, I already thought that, but then all of a sudden reading this,

I got super fucking empathetic going like, God damn it. And I don't know if it's because he juxtaposed it with the perspective the Japanese had about, well, fuck it, why can't we take China? You took California. You think, you know what? A lot of people don't, there's like forgotten wars. Like China got in, I mean, Japan got into it with Russia

and they beat Russiaussia and then they were gonna take they were gonna take some of their land and that was a big thing because they they needed to expand because of of their geography and they were gonna do what all the white countries had done yes all the white countries got together and said no you're not doing that you're not white that's basically they said white people do that yes so then they're sitting there going like so what you think you're just fucking better than me because you got white skin that just starts that whole i'm telling you man i saw this fucking thing one time on fucking chimpanzees and and i'm dude i'm telling you they're human beings it's the same

fucking thing if they're stronger they're gonna go in and they're going to fucking wipe you out. And they're going to take you. And they got off on the violence. And afterwards they were like fucking strutting around about what they did. And I just saw it. It was, uh, I've never looked at chimps the same way. I fucking can't stand them because they, I, when I watched them, I'm like that, you know, as much as I said watch out for

bears i mean we are those fucking things except you can play a guitar we can do all this shit that we're not as hairy so we don't look like fucking animals but we are those things it's it's crazy all right we should wrap this up all right hey let's let's talk about fly boys next week and go into detail i would love to see if we can get the the writer on on next week i gotta be honest with you i love when we have guests i like i like these a lot this is a very seamless conversation but we should see if we can get leno like we're gonna get in less trouble if we have guests i feel like too way way more yeah no argument about cars yeah cars is a great you know do you know leno i met him a couple times uh yes i do i i did his um his uh jay leno's garage i did that a couple of times i would

love to do i i met leno uh i was doing we were riding motorcycles through the canyons and he just what a fucking solid dude he just goes out because he's a car guy and goes to the rock shop out up in the canyons has a cup of coffee and just looks at everyone's cars looks at everyone's motorcycles and so we're shooting travel channel and he comes up and i said hey jay i'm bird i'm a comic and then immediately just you can see him relaxing oh cool man you work out at the you work out at the uh uh promote some comedy magic, at, uh, promote some comedy magic. And I went, nah, too far for me to drive. He goes, Oh, you're definitely a comic. And then we were talking about riding motorcycles and he said,

get a full fucking face mask, get a full helmet with a face mask. He goes, all your money's made right here. If you look fucked up, you won't be able to work, get a full fucking face mask. And I was like, cool. He's a great guy. I'd love to get him on and talk about cars. All right, everybody. Thank you again for listening.

This has been another wonderful episode of the bill. Bird. Podcast. Bye.