The Bill Bert Podcast - The Bill Bert Podcast | Episode 28

Episode Date: August 27, 2020

Bill and Bert prattle about Chappelle's camp, appropriating words, and how to talk to famous people.

This podcast is brought to you by Bud Light Seltzer. It is unquestionably good. I love Bud Light Seltzer. I know you do. I really do. Bill, my favorite thing is to get one of those tall glasses, fill it with ice, and pour two of two flavors into a suicide. Hey, what's up, everybody?

It's time for another wonderful episode of the bill podcast there we go with both your hosts quarantining quarantining because both of them did shows because everybody else is back to work so why shouldn't we be why shouldn't we and i will say i will say because this will be glazed over. I am very happy with the last tour I did. It was a blast. However, Bill Burr, you texted me and you said, can you do Wednesday? I said, why?

Yeah, I can do Wednesday. I'm in quarantine. I'm in the hotel room. And you're like, because I'm at Chappelle's house. And I lost my shit. I want to know everything. No, I wasn't at his house. I was doing the Chappelle gig.

I like your version better. Yeah. I was at a hotel. I want to know, Bill, I want to know everything beginning to end. This is the one clip that will go viral from our video because this is the most elusive ticket to get in comedy right now.

This is the most elusive gig. It has the biggest names in comedy. So who's who? Jon Stewart, David Letterman, Sarah Silverman, Louis C.K., Tony Woods, Donnell Rollins, Dave Chappelle. Brian Regan. Who? Brian Regan was there the day I got there.

Kevin Hart was there one day. All right. So start it from the very beginning. When was the first time Chappelle reached out and said, hey, are you interested in coming out? His people reached out a couple weeks ago, maybe you interested in coming out? His people reached out a couple weeks ago, maybe beginning of August,

see if I wanted to do it. And then I said, yeah. And then I didn't hear from them. And then I did. And I was like, well, I haven't done my act in like, you know,

six months or whatever, five months. I'm not going to go out there ice cold, you know, and bomb in front of Daveave i'm not gonna do that to him or to myself so i did those parking lot shows i was wondering you know bill i was wondering when you said you went out because i know you're out of everyone i know in comedy you're probably one of the more strict with the social distancing the quarantining and the masks when you you went out and did shows, I was like, he's getting ready for something.

Like there's no, he's not just doing it. You know, what's funny is as far as that quarantine, I ran into this guy when I was in yellow Springs and you know, we just, you know, long story, what had happened, but we were talking about wearing masks and you know, when I was just saying, listen, I just want to get a guy, I don't care who gets elected, I just want somebody who believes in science. And he goes, well, you know, I can show you just as many scientific reports

that say wearing a mask is blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And I wish I had the presence of mind to be like, all right, well, let's play out two scenarios. Let's play out the scenario where I'm wrong. Then we're just a bunch of idiots wearing masks. Let's play out the scenario where you're wrong. So the gamble that you're taking, because he may be right, but it's just like, it seems every time someone goes to a fucking party, there's a bunch of people, nobody's wearing masks, then all of a sudden there's a little outbreak. So I just like, am so fucking like just,

I'm past depression. I'm just mind blown like, that people would turn a virus into a, like to this level. Because there's always been conspiracy theories. AIDS came from the government. The common cold is curable. They, you know, they got the cure for baldness.

They just want to fuck them up. And I believe in some of those. And I also believe in the – I definitely believe that they can cure baldness. Without a fucking doubt, they can do it. Without a fucking doubt, they can do it. But if they do it, then people are fucked. So here's the thing. If you want people if you

want them to cure baldness every guy going bald should just shave their fucking head then they're like oh fuck they're dealing with it we got to give them a solution and i'm telling you dude dude we be coming in like the fucking bgs next year big poofed up hair beards with the medallions. So I just cannot fucking believe. No, I can't say I can't believe because I've done a bunch of ignorant shit too, but I've just really discovered that how, you know, people's world and people's experience is what's going on in the entire solar system. That's how people look at life. And it's really hard, myself included, to get outside your own planet, especially when your head's shaped like one like mine, to get outside of that and be like, okay, maybe there's something bigger going on here. Maybe I don't know.

But I am definitely optimistic. I loved that article in the New York Times that Jerry Seinfeld wrote. It's literally what is missing on both sides of the aisle politically. That was leadership. That was positivity. I was sitting up straighter by the time I got done reading it. Like, you know, basically, fuck this. We've gone through tougher shit like this. We're going to defeat this.

I have not heard that anywhere. CNN, Fox, nowhere. It's just, it's just uh uh uh and then they're just blaming each other that's gonna be a great meme by the way um they fucking whatever the fuck you call them a gif a gif um that's what is fucking missing i need leadership i need shit talk and i need people to get outside their own heads because i just said to the guy after he said what he said i said hey man agree to disagree it was a fucking beautiful day i was doing my favorite one of my favorite things to do on the road which is laundry i fucking hate coming home with dirty underwear and socks and cigar smelling shirts my favorite fucking thing

dude i'll go down there sweatpants you know total nature boy just sweatpants no socks everything's fucking getting washed and i had one of those little nubs the connecticut wrap i smoked one of those i went off the rails this month smoke one of those. I went off the rails this month. Smoked one of those. Oh, shut up. Hold on. Hold on. Where are you? Let's get back to this Chappelle story. Because I can talk. I did laundry. I did laundry.

I'm in. Can I tell my laundry story real quick, though? Yeah, please. I went in there. So Yellowstone. Yellowstone? Yellow Springs. I'm thinking Yogi Bear.

Yellowspring, you know, is like, I guess, super liberal. It's sort of like what Austin thinks they are. You know, all these little fucking white towns that think that they're like perfect. You know, it's like, no, it's just you've dialed down racism, homophobia and all that type of shit. Nationalism. But it all flares up depending on the thing. It was funny, too, because I walked through this place the first night, and I could tell how liberal it was. I saw all the tie-dyes and then how aggressively they were going out of their way to say hello to my wife. Oh, did Mia go with you? Oh, yeah. I brought the whole family.

Oh, for real? Yeah, yeah. So, but they were all great. They were all fun. But it was just funny, you know. It's like, hi, hi. Hello, person of color. It was hilarious.

Is he bothering you? Is he bothering you? Is he following you around the store? Yeah. But anyway, so I went into the- Okay, hold on. Then I'm going to stop you there. Okay.

I'm going to really- I've been so fascinated by this because what he's doing is so amazing. So I'm going to keep- I'm going to ask you questions. You don't have to answer anything, but I'm going to really, I've been so fascinated by this because what he's doing is so amazing. So I'm going to, I'm going to keep, I'm going to ask you questions. You don't have to answer anything, but I'm asking you questions that I know everyone's wondering. So you and Kevin Hart. I have to keep a lot of it as surprise.

So I know, I know. Oh no, no, no. Don't worry. You and Kevin Hart flew private together. Is that what happened? No. Ah, damn it. I figured Kevin Hart was like, Hey Bill, bill i'm going out there you want to hop on

and you were like yeah because i can't see you and the baby get kevin hart has worked too hard to build his brand to be seen sharing a private jet with bill burr i mean come on how long you been in this business there's no way you guys flew coach um all right listen you want to hear the funny fucking story you want to get into the fucking logistic travel that's all i needed to know that's all i needed to know um so i'm in this laundromat and of course you know any level of technology from a fucking laptop to a new operating system to literally getting quarters at a laundromat. It was working and then all of a sudden it wasn't. And I'm looking around. Typical business today. It's just being run by the people who are fucking using the service. So I saw this older couple about my age.

And then I saw this younger woman like 2021. So the. So the older couple's here, she's over here. So I go, all right. So I went over there and I said, excuse me, do you know if somebody works here? And she just, I swear to God, she just went like, and just walked away. I swear to God. Walked away and then walked over to the two, the older couple.

walked away and then walked over to the two the older couple and then the mother goes what did that man just say to you then i realized this is their kid she goes he just asked me if i work here right and i go no i didn't i said does somebody work here and i didn't say anything this fucking little asshole it's like you're 21 years old like why are you acting like you're the fucking queen of england why like in this liberal ass town like i'm so fucking liberal like but then it's like how dare you suggest that i would stoop to working at a laundromat yeah at 20 years of age dude i swear to god she just went like and just it didn't say a fucking word it was so fucking rude it was so fucking rude like i i hope i'm full of shit i didn't almost say something because she's with the kids and all of a sudden i'm this creepy guy at

the laundromat who said something that up is not only upset a woman a white woman burt all i need is one tweet and then i'm done i keep forgetting I keep forgetting because I I talk to you so much that I start getting it in my uh be in my bonnet about white women because all Leanne's friends are older privileged white women and I end up saying stuff like that as if I'm married to a black woman and Leanne will be like what the fuck are you talking about well I'm not saying that because of Nia no I know but you also have saying I'm not saying that because of Nia. No, I know, but you also have- And I'm not saying I'm not privileged. My bit is that white women walked away from their whiteness and swung their legs over the fence of oppression

and stuck themselves at the front of the fucking line and left us holding the dirty dishwater. It's like, wait a minute. We were Batman and you were Robin. Get the fuck back in the fucking oppress-mobile and take your talking to, you fucking manipulative cunts that's my shit that's that's that's what that's my beef and it's not with all of them dude i could go on a million you know what's pissing me off right now white women calling other white women karen they took the fucking word and

now when you call it now it's your white woman. You call another white woman, a Karen. It's you're patting yourself on the back that you're not. It's like, it's like, no, you guys all have that. Yeah. Who's starting to be like every white guy has a little plantation owner in them.

It's just part of your life experience. Part of the way you're fucking moving around. You show up, you think it's for you and you assume someone who looks like he was running it. Yeah. everybody's got a little fucking dash of that in them all the way to a clan meeting and it's just and that is the truth so i called i called a white woman karen in cape cod and i've never felt it never i've never

said a sentence that hurts someone quicker faster more poignantly i was riding a bike down the sidewalk and apparently you're supposed to be on the the road but there's no fucking shoulder on hurt someone quicker, faster, more poignantly. I was riding a bike down the sidewalk, and apparently you're supposed to be on the road, but there's no fucking shoulder on the road, so I'm on the sidewalk, and they're walking, and this woman, as opposed to simply just get out of the way, throws a temper tantrum in the middle of the sidewalk. Like, he's, oh, oh my God.

And I just wrote, I wrote right past her, and I go, suck it, Karen. And she went, what the fuck? And I loved it. But Bert, that's not our word. That's what I hate about it, Karen. And she went, what the fuck? And I loved it. But, Bert, that's not our word. That's what I hate about woke and Karen. That's black people's word. Yeah.

I'll take it. Woke was what something a black person said when they observed white behavior that was just, I guess, a little bit better than the usual shit. And then you had all these liberal Pete fucking white dudes start going, I'm on the internet, woke signaling. And they fucking took it. And now I'm watching white women now, they're taking Karen, calling other women Karen.

It's like, this isn't, like, you're not the judge on this one, but it's a way of wrangling control of this new experience of wait a minute i'm being criticized i don't know it drives me up the fucking wall because now it's already happened so i know inevitably i'm gonna have to listen to fucking spike lee bitch about it who drives me up it, who drives me up the wall. He drives me up the wall with his concern about the images of black people in movies. It's like, dude, have you ever looked at your depiction of an Italian-American males in your fucking movies?

Why don't you fix that? Thank God you don't run a fucking studio. Hey, fucking Marie, I got the fucking Louis. Played by a Puerto Rican. I mean mean he's doing the exact fucking same thing played by a puerto rican yeah it's just like no and that has been my shit my shit i used to be conservative then i was super liberal now i'm in the middle i'm like no we're all the fucking same and it just all depends on who's driving the bus, who's going to get it. Yeah. All right. And when it comes to power, nice people are not attracted to power. Nice people don't want to tell people what to do. Psychos like telling people what to do. They are attracted to that light and they go to that shit.

What ends up happening is nice people work for psychos is what happens and then psychos stay in power by killing loud nice people that's essentially it across the fucking globe i figured it out with no reading whatsoever you get the invite to go to chapelle's yes and you say, Art, I'm going to do some warm-up spots. You run up by Nia. You're like,

I want to bring the family. She's like, I think it would be great. Yeah, we were looking to get out of here. We were trying to just, you know, needed to, you know,

as much as L.A. is like this giant suburb, it's still pretty much paved over and there's not a lot of space. You just kind of needed to see some trees and some grass. We looked at our options for renting things and everybody's price gouging, which of course none of them get shit. The fucking hand sanitizer guy gets fucking tarred and feathered at the beginning of this.

But fucking assholes with a piece of shit, two bedroom near an ocean can charge like half a price for a Prius out here near Santa Barbara. It's fucking ridiculous. So that didn't work out. So, um, you know, uh, yeah, they said, you want to come out and do the weekend, the Friday, Saturday, you said, great. And, uh, it was Dave's birthday weekend so we stayed a little bit longer so you know then my wife got involved so then you know once they get involved it becomes an excursion yeah so now we're coming in like we came in on a Wednesday first trip of the baby the baby's what like four months yeah five of the baby's great it's when they get a little bit older and they're aware their eardrums pop and then it becomes a nightmare.

Yeah. But – So Dave flies you out private and then – You so want to know if I flew commercial or private. You just did – I felt like you thought I committed a murder. And you just went like, yeah, so you killed her. And then what did you do afterwards? Did you watch TV?

And you were waiting for me to just be like, yeah, so I killed her. Dude. All you see are these pictures of Chappelle greeting everyone out of a private jet with, like, fucking SUVs everywhere. And he's wearing, like, knee's wearing like knee-high knee-high like let me ask you this burt shoot is the whole world obsessed with this gig or are you obsessed i'm obsessed with the gig okay thank you i think it's the coolest thing i think it's the coolest fucking thing in the world what he's doing and what he's creating because it's like dave chapelle's

block party was such a great out of the box fucking show that was like, I watched, I've watched that probably 20 times, but he's bringing out artists of all kinds, like photographers, chefs, um, artists, Donnell's living out there and, and, and I'm following Donnell and it just seems Eric, Erica Badu, Common, Tiffany Haddish. It seems so fucking cool and a melting pot of like, I have to tell you, Common, Tiffany Haddish. It seems so fucking cool. And a melting pot of like. I have to tell you, man, it was the most fun.

It felt like a mini comedy festival. And I had so many like huge laughs. Like I've known Kev since he first came on up from Philly. He was like 20 years old. Keith Robinson brought him up or something. And he's just one of those guys, man. Like he's one of the most fun people I've ever been around. He's so fucking silly.

And we had a couple of like, just fucking great, great, like laughing so hard, people are looking at us type of shit. We had a couple of like just fucking great, great, like laughing so hard people are looking at us type of shit. We had a couple of those. And it really just. And then another thing was everybody's phone is locked. And I got to enjoy what stand up used to be. Like I can go up here and empty my brain. I can hear all those other comics laughing and use that to push me further.

And I can just, I can be free up here. And it's something that, you know, I mean, I'm trying to talk carefully on this, about this, but there's certain people now that I'm watching that helped feed that monster of cancel culture. And now it's out of control. And now they're complaining like they weren't one of the Dr. Frankenstein screwing in a couple bolts and um and i can't tell you without a doubt that they are this loud unbelievably small minority and this thing is gonna fucking nosedive the way disco did the way hair metal did way i always say rollerblades all of that shit it. It's going to fucking nosedive. And then everybody's going to walk away, you know,

like how everybody acted like they weren't doing Coke at studio 54. Even though that place was fucking packed every weekend, you know, you know, every guy's acting like they didn't put on eyeliner and tease up their hair, go be in a band in the eighties. They're going to walk away. Like, you know, it's just funny to me because it's literally gotten to now when I'm seeing female comics

talking about cancel culture and I'm trying to think it's just like, I think you're good because I'm trying to think like Michelle Wolf was the one who really got in trouble, but she did that. She did the political thing at the fucking white house dinner. So I kind of feel like now the rite of passage is if you do that gig, you're getting death threats and, and I'm going to do this and all of that shit, which is,

I don't mean the balls it takes to do that gig. Like I got nothing but respect for her for taking that gig. Cause that is, that is a thankless fucking gig. It's either you kill and get death threats or you bomb and get death threats. Yeah. So anyway. So will you guys give me a, you guys get there, you go into the hotel.

And then we get, we go there and you get like, you guys get there you go into the hotel and then no no no we get we go there and you get like you got tested right before you left and then you get tested again and then i just read an article i just read an article today they had a whole system they had a whole spending like a hundred grand on covid tests yeah those things aren't cheap. And that's going to be the turnaround, by the way, of this COVID shit. COVID tests are that expensive right now, the way flat screen TVs used to be. And now you can get a flat screen TV for like 700 bucks. And when the price of testing comes down, when these greedy cunts are done and they realize how much money that they can make off of Joe Sixpack,

as they always say. The price of it's going to come down, and I think if they don't come up with some sort of cocktail to fend this thing off, I think eventually you're going to go to house parties, and people will have COVID tests there, like the way they have like a selfie fucking booth. Yeah.

And then everybody can go in and just be people. They'll be able to do it at places of business. You'll be able to do it outside of a comedy club. And it's just like, you know, as much as the bankers are evil, they want you to continue living so they can continue to oppress you. So they need you to go back to work at some point. so they can continue to oppress you. So they need you to go back to work at some point.

So the problem is right now is we have a staggering lack of leadership in like what Seinfeld wrote took me back to what politicians used to do. They give you that new Rockne speech, whether they believed it or not, it made you feel better. We're going to fucking beat this thing. This isn't the new normal. This is something that you're going to tell your grandkids about that you fucking lived through. We're going to beat this fucking thing because that's what we do.

That's what we do. We've survived everything up until this point. This fucking thing, the level that it's killing people is really, at least around where I'm at, is really tapered off. We're going to beat it. We just are. But the thing about it is you need people in powerful positions telling you that. It's just like you're coaching a fucking team. And the disappointment with both of these stupid-ass parties,

he started it and she did this and that and that. They're acting like a bunch of fucking pussies. Yeah. You know, I never saw any of those fireside chats that Winston Churchill speak.

We'll fight in the land. We'll fight in the sea. We shall never surrender. I used to listen to that on the beginning of Iron Maiden album. I forget what it was. It was right before Aces High, Power Slave.

And I didn't even know that it was pertaining to the Germans in the Blitzkrieg. And I used to listen to that, and the fucking hair on my arm would stand up. I had no idea who it was because it wasn't like – there was no internet in 85, unless you were Al Gore. There was no internet, right? There was no internet, so I couldn't look up what that speech was, who said it. It wasn't until, I mean, like 15 years later, I just happened to be watching something on like PBS, and they did this thing on Winston Churchill, and I heard that, and I was like,

oh my God, that's fucking Iron Maiden. There's another great English show, too, where they took that uh I forget the name of it but they took that beginning um uh um we want information information who are you the new number two who is number one you are number six you don't remember that no what's that I'm not a number I am a free man. That crazy cackle. That was a, in English, like really trippy, like sort of like Westworld meets like a fucking James Bond in the future. I didn't, I'm just, you know, building it off the trailer.

But like nowadays you can find all of that shit. So I'm totally off track. I'm saying I need some Winston Churchill speeches. Everybody does. We need to hear people saying we're going to beat this fucking thing. We need to say a lot of people saying the opposite of saying it's over. L.A.'s over. I just saw Hollywood's dead.

Everyone move. Get the fuck out. And it's and you're right. I literally was like I literally said to someone the other day, I just so you know, I can claim being a Lakers fan when everyone flees Hollywood because I'm staying. I'm getting a fucking Lakers jersey. I'm watching KCAL 9. I'm going to being a lakers fan when everyone flees hollywood because i'm staying i'm getting a fucking lakers jersey i'm watching kcal 9 i'm gonna be a dodgers fan i'm gonna fucking i'm leaning in heavy to la i know and this is the thing it's like where where you're gonna go where you're gonna go i mean i if you're leaving the country okay if you're gonna go up to canada where you know they have a lot less, they also have a lot less people, you know.

And they also, I think, took it a little more. I don't think they have. I don't know what their Hatfield and McCoy. There's always that in every country. I don't know what where the burn is turned up to. Out here, it feels like it's on eight always. And so we're not we're not helping each other so let's get back to the chappelle what day did you get there thursday

um i forget dude it was a blur i was there all week well wednesday i got there because i went down i got tested went back to the hotel the smartest thing i did is i went down there because regan was regan's last night and And I'm just like a Regan fanatic. I had to watch his set. And he was just like, I can't tell you any of the best. I got to be honest with you. As great as his act is, he's an even better person. He's just the nicest, nicest guy.

He literally is like how you should be. I feel I can't say enough nice things about that guy. Brian Regan said, I have two really my favorite Brian Regan stories. I got a call from Pete Correale. I'm in Des Moines. And he says, hey, what are you doing? Are you at the club? I said, I am.

He goes, all right, get everyone out except for the staff. I'm going to be there in like 30 minutes. And I went, okay. So I tell the fans, I was like, everyone needs to leave. We're going to close this down. And I tell Alicia, keep it open brian regan's tour bus comes out he comes out and he just the nicest fucking guy he goes hi i'm brian and i'm like i go hey uh i know who you are i go listen i'm gonna have to geek out for about three minutes and then we can hang out like regular people and he's like all right go ahead i said i'm driving over little canyon and my

daughters are listening to brian your brian regan came up on XM and my daughters are laughing in the back and my wife goes oh my god this is the first time they've heard comedy like they've never heard comedy and they're howling at Brian's joke and so I and my wife turns around she goes do you like this and they're like oh this is great what is this and my wife goes this is what daddy does and they shifted and they go you do this i was like not that good guys not that good my shirt's off it's a lot about my dick it's not that good and by the way i talk shit about you guys but i said that was like the greatest moment and brian's like hey thank you and then he just looks at me he goes can we start drinking now and i was like oh fuck yeah fuck yeah is the greatest, man. He really is the greatest.

So you go to see Brian, and Brian's been there for a few days. Oh, wait, I go down there, and then it's just like a free-for-all. Then they just ended up putting me on. And I'm going to forget all the names of the people. Dude, there was like rappers would go on, poets. It was crazy. Musicians, it just was, I mean, I never heard of this guy. This guy, I hope I say his name, Toby Nwigwe. I think it's how you say it.

And dude, he went up there and the fucking DJ played like this epic cinematic shit that he fucking rapped over. And I have never been so happy that I was not going on. I got, I had already gone on. I mean, yeah, we're out in the middle of a fucking cornfield and fucking slayed. So then of course I got to go look this guy up and I look him up and then

he's got this amazing video, which we should really post that his wife is in. They're like this total power couple, man. They're both like ridiculously talented, made this incredible video. Um, you know,

not like I know what's going on in the hip hop world there, Bert. I'm a little, a little too white. How would you spell in wig way? It's like N. I think it was N Bert. I'm a little too white. How would you spell Nwigwe? It's like N... I think it was N-W... Maybe this is how

I remember how to spell it. It's like N-G-W... Got it, Toby Nwigwe. N-W-I-G-W-E. Yeah. Is this him? That is him, and that's his wife. They're both like A-level performers. They're gonna be... They're gonna like A-level performers. They're going to be a force.

And I got to see them in front of, well, I only got to see him. She didn't go on, at least the night that I was there. But they were incredible and super nice people. And it was just everybody just sort of quarantined together. And it just became like, yeah, like a summer camp. So you guys go in, set the setting for me. You're in a field and there's a stage that looks like kind of like a gazebo with the sea on it, correct? Yeah.

And then tables are socially distant, 10 feet apart. And there's about a hundred. Yeah, and they just sort of disappear out into the field. There was so much funny things. Like one night I was like just doing this crazy shit. Cause I could, cause the phones were all off and I got nothing. And I said,

I go, not only did that joke get crickets, I can literally hear crickets. Like, cause it was so fucking loud. It was like the first I've used that analogy forever. And it literally, I told a joke, it got nothing,

and all I heard was the crickets in the field. So I felt like that was some full circle journey. I had a reference like that, but I didn't get crickets, I got cicadas. What, a cicada, some sort of bug? If you've got to live in the South, yeah, it's a bug. It's a very aggressive cricket. Oh, okay. So wait, so it disappears into the distance,

and there's what, like 150 people there? No, there was – I don't quite know how many were there, and I'm not going to speculate on a number because I don't want to get anybody in trouble, but they were really – there was a lot of rules. Really? Like governors – a governor or somebody was called to work this out. And, dude, they have it down to a science.

Like there was no, it was like, you know, like President Trump could have came in and would have been felt secure. Like that's the level, like a president could literally come in there. That's cool. And, and, and, and, uh,

as far as laughs, you could definitely hear laughs, obviously. Yeah. But you know, what was great was because I did people in cars. I went from what I used to hear the comedy store sold out to dealing with cars.

And then I went back up to where you know it's still never going to sound but it was it was awesome yeah if you if you combine how much you could hear the laughs with the experience it was actually better than a theater gig it was just better because it was so special and the people that you got to hang out with all these friends you know that I haven't seen you know some of them in over a year because we've been sitting inside for so long and um and then just the freedom of it and then dave was like hosting and he was just so i can't say how gracious him and his wife were and how complimentary he was about what everybody was doing. And, you know, he's a really, like, special, special dude.

Beyond, you know, I mean, I've hung out with Dave in, like, you know, comedy clubs and stuff, but I never got to hang with him like that, just hang out, and he's telling me about, you know, how he ended up there, you know, his motorcycles, and you know his motorcycles and she's just like just shooting he's talking about life raising kids and he's amazing with kids by the way he's fucking amazing with kids it was awesome donnell is too donnell's amazing i know donnell is yeah donnell's a fucking done i love donnell i think there's a part of him that had such a shitty childhood where he's like that shit's not happening on my watch.

Like, I'm not the dad leaving a kid on a stoop. There's a lot of comics like that. Bobby Kelly. Bobby Kelly had a rough go on the dad side. So he was just like, like Bobby's done more with his son in these first few years than I think, you know, probably happened to him. I know it.

It happened to his wife. The stories he's told me, that it happened to him his entire, probably the first 30 years of his life. Throw a couple of relationships in there. Rogan is a fucking amazing dad. Didn't know his dad. Amazing dad. Like, I would say, you know.

I think you go one way, Nicky Six. Nicky Six. Like, I follow him on Instagram. Huge fan of him and his band and everything. Nikki Sixx Nikki Sixx like I follow him on Instagram huge fan of him and his band and everything um I now follow him on Instagram because I'm enjoy watching him be a father yet again like he's had kids the whole way through and he he said something really amazing one time about how because he didn't have a dad I think i think you just go one way or the other you either repeat or you just go the other way and fortunately he did and like um following people like that on

instagram is good because i you know the day-to-day grind it's good to see somebody reminding you of like it's gonna go by quick make sure don't i just played t-ball right but i only had like like nine minutes to play t-ball before this, and I did it. I've got to make sure. I don't want to be that guy crying. I saw LT crying at his daughter's wedding because he was playing football and, you know, messing around, doing whatever the hell he was doing. The way he cried, I was like,

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I have a room in my house dedicated to smoking cigars. No, I don't. My wife will not let me smoke in the house. I go out on the porch. I will say, Bill, there is no better feeling than smoking a cigar in your house when your family's gone for a weekend and going, yeah, this is my fucking house. It's 1935, and I'm a bachelor, and I do what I want. I would love to do that.

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And this is only the second podcast they've ever advertised on. So, they like us. Nice. Okay. Leave that in. People need to know that. I'll tell you, man. I have regrets, and one of my regrets is working as hard as I did during my kids' youth because I didn't have an option.

Providing a roof over their head, dude, you should never feel guilty about that. It's funny, Bill. I'm sitting here in this hotel room. I'm quarantined, and I feel guilty that I took this job because I could just be with my kids. Not that I – you know, it's like I could just be with my kids. And then out of nowhere, my daughter just FaceTimes me, my oldest. She goes, hey, did anything bad happen in the Bible? And I go, what? And she goes, anything bad happen in the Bible?

And I go, yeah, they killed Jesus. she goes okay she goes hey new testament and old testament totally different books right i went what are you doing she goes i'm taking a religion test i know you're into that shit so i was gonna run it by you and i i just realized i was like oh i got a cool relationship with this kid like here i am feeling horrible and then we're pissing laughing talking about the bible because she knows nothing about religion and we went through our whole test together laughing hysterically and then I was like got out went for a jog I was like all right man you get oh you get obsessed sometimes going I didn't do enough I didn't do enough you know but you're always gonna feel I mean

that you didn't do enough but I will tell you though that I got a lot out of watching how hard my parents worked like without them saying anything just watching how hard they worked um it and because they didn't make a big deal out of it like to me that was working so now like when people say man you're one of the hardest workers ever i laugh i'm like yeah i don't think that i'm i'm i'm doing what i saw my parents do yeah i got up every day and worked i'm an adult about it i go out to fucking work i go on tour yeah so that's a form of parenting yeah so wait so so that's wednesday night now i'm curious curious because what's the pre-show ritual? Is there like a green room? Is there a pre-show like everyone's having cocktails, joking,

and they're like, hey, you're up next? Hey, I ain't talking about the locker room here, Bert. I want to know, but I want to know. I'm only going to talk about the shit you've seen. If you want to talk after, that's a sacred place. No, I'm not saying like, what did you guys talk about? I'm saying like, is there like, is like, are there, is there a green room set up?

Are you guys hanging out before the show? Listen, I don't know if Dave's on social media, but if he is, you can hit him up. I just feel some dude. There's a lot of top secret shit to it. So I don't want to, you know, I can tell you who was on it.

Cause people already tweeted about that. I can say, you know, and you've seen the pictures that you've seen. I can describe that shit, but I don't want to talk about any of that other stuff too, too much, but I can just tell you,

it was fucking amazing. And we all hung out together and batteries batteries totally recharged did you drink and it's as i already love dave to hear now it's it's like i i would you know i fucking i'd be in a foxhole with that guy did you drink no really dude i'm just i can't dude i'm just i can't i'm gonna do that and then i'm gonna wake up and i'm i got i got two little ones yeah i thought that's when you have a maybe a little nip just a little i um no i went out the first night and i did the hang and i paid for it so like i did the hang wednesday night i did the hang saturday night But other than that, I was just like, you know, there's nothing better than eight hours sleep at this point in my life. There's just

nothing better than it. Crawling into that bed, the big smile on my face knowing that when they come and wake me up tomorrow, I'm going to have the energy, you know, to get after it. You know, we found like I did mostly dad shit. It was a great little playground downtown. Um, both days, uh, towards the end, because the first few days it was like nobody there. But the last two days I was there, there was other little kids there with masks on and stuff. And, uh, Lola and this other little boy were chasing each other all around.

And me and the dad were both laughing. This guy was in the Air Force. There's no Air Force base nearby. And we were both just laughing, going like, you know, our kids are doing both of us a favor right now. And sure enough, I got home with my daughter. And she was just crawled into bed with me. And she's just like, Dad, I'm going to go to sleep for a second. And just like, and was just out.

And I was just like, oh man that's that's the best um and there was a there was a dairy farm out there called like jersey farm i guess jersey's a kind of a cow dude this ice cream it was like heroin it was that fresh it was on it was unbelievable we went there and you can feed the goats and see the cows and all of that. And the kids can sit on tractors. They got a miniature golf. They had a slide.

A lot of that shit was closed, obviously, for obvious reasons. But like miniature golf was open. People had masks on and they kept the threesomes and foursomes apart off the little course there. But we just did, I just did, I did a bunch of dad stuff, to be honest with you. And I kind of stayed away from a lot of the extracurricular stuff. Cause, uh, I I've done that. I've done

that for the 20. I did that when I should have already raised a kid. So I'm not going to feel that way. Yeah. I'm not going to keep doing that. And, um, yeah, dude. And there's also like, I just, I physically, I can't, I mean, I know, I know I could get back in shape real quick, but I also know that I'm going to go right back to the way I drank. And I really had this whole fucking epiphany on, uh, on my drinking and all that type of stuff where I just think that there's a whole, you know, this whole fucking thing where it's just like, you're either this or you're that either conservative or you're liberal. You're either fucking an alcohol, you're either addictive

or you're not. There's like this, just, you know, there's people a little more than, you know, going over the double line on the double line all the way over, you know, there's people that could literally do heroin once and be like, yeah, man, that was amazing. But I know it's bad for me. I'm not going back. And then there's other people, they do it and they lose 30 years of their life or they lose their life. Um, and then there's everybody in between. And then I was hooked for three years and then I dabbled, I've been away, you know, there's like all of that type of stuff. And I think that, um, that medicine is marketed the same way albums music is, where it's like your bluegrass, your rap, your rock, your this, your that. We need to label this so we can sell it.

So I think my definition of addiction is if I'm doing something that I don't want to do, but I do it anyways, and then I hate myself afterwards, there's a problem that needs to be addressed. It's something. And that's everything from drinking to eating a sleeve of Oreo cookies before I go to bed. I don't want to do that. And when I get three quarters of the way through, I want to stop, but I have that thing. I got to finish the job. I go Rambo on it. So did Nia get to party at all? Or was she straight up mommy duty the whole time? I mean, we were doing a lot of like going around town,

looking at the antiques. I mean, I just had the best time and having the best time doing that too. Yeah. Like, you don't need to be like, we hung out, we had a good time. But Nia's always been smarter than me when it came to that stuff. Like Nia can have a really nice drink, maybe two. She's good. Like she really is an adult.

And like, you know, like I'm all, like when I, back in the day when we would go out and party, like my sleeve was the one getting tugged. Like, come on, buddy, let's go. You're having another one?

And she's super cool too because she never broke my balls about my drink until towards the end. And even then it was like, what's going on with you? Does Nia, does Nia have,

you know, like I think both me and you look at Chappelle like up here. Nia's got an interesting, because she was in the business, but like on the other side of the table. And she's also your wife. Does she look at Chappelle and go have the reverence that we have? Or someone like Kevin Hart who like. No, they're friends. They're friends.

She worked on. Just a friend. No, she worked on Chappelle's show oh for real yeah she worked on it the first season then she went over to Tough Crowd I got on Chappelle's second season and then I got on Tough Crowd and that's how I met she was a talent coordinator on Tough Crowd I forget what she did on um Chappelle's show but she was part of that like she was that very first sketch all that she was oh wow she was part of that. Like she was that very first sketch, all of that. She was,

Oh wow. There. Yeah. So she's, she's kind of not, not past it, but there is no sparkle to celebrity to her at all. No,

no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, like it's like anybody like you know um for me musicians yeah athletes that were the shit when i was a kid yep you know athletes now i just think because there's such an age gap you know what i mean if they're like younger than tom brady i mean i've it's like there's like a major generation gap there as far as like how they grew up and how i grew up and it's just like you know i'm thrilled if they they are into my stuff but like I'm also so busy with the kids and

stuff you know and names got really difficult you know especially like in in hockey with when all the Finnish and Russians and all these guys came in like they have like they have like big brain names man like I can't you gotta be watching every night. You gotta keep hearing those names being said. That's why I'm having a hard time with the NBA playoffs because I think, you know, I, I'm sure you've given an analogy this way, but like your heroes when you're a kid, like bird, Jordan, Byron, Larry, Mike, magic. when you're a kid like bird uh jordan uh byron scott mary mick magic yeah daryl they were easy

names and then what happened is his names fall out of favor and now they got all like these super cool so i remember like the first time i was just like wow names of chamber when tayshaun prince came in i'm like tayshaun that is a fucking great tayshaun prince is a fuck you just sound like he just fucking hit a three right yeah and then it then uh somewhere along the line it got to the point where um key and peel did that hilarious sketch on the names. The thing is, is they could have done the white version of that about hockey. How like, you know, the names just became like 26 letters, it seemed. You know, like four consonants, hard sounding consonants, like C-K-N-L vowels. And it's like, all right,

which letter sound am I going to pick out here? So I was actually, you know what I'm actually thinking of doing? Because I hate that I don't know the names because this is how old I am.

These kids today are doing amazing things. Basketball, hockey, football, baseball. So I want to, I think I might play fantasy football this year if I have the time. And I just would do it strictly how, you know, back in the day I used to collect football cards and watch the games, and I knew everybody.

And then when I came back to try and collect football cards to get reconnected the way that I was, collect football cards to get reconnected the way that I was. Collecting cards had become this awful adult thing that you did to make money. And then everybody's an adult, so they had enough money to just go to Topps and order the whole year's worth of cards. So then Topps and all these ones, Upper Deck, they had to deliberately make cards hard to get. They just didn't make as many of certain ones so that they would actually have value because everybody saw like

billy crystal's generation with their mickey mantle rookie card that they got for five cents or something is all of a sudden worth tens of thousands of dollars i remember there was a comic mike donovan in boston there is a comic named mike donovan boston and uh he used to do a bit for his generation remember that and it was a thing you would take those baseball cards and you put them in the spokes of your bike to make that flapping sound it's considered like a cool thing and they literally probably put a million dollars worth of baseball cards if they were mint condition well they were when they first got them into their into their fucking bike wheels and then somewhere in the 70s everybody those cards started going up the 70s and 80s is when it started to just become like there was like like creepy older people like myself buying them i was i remember buying going to baseball card shops in the 80s.

And I remember my buddy Sam Satin's dad had a legit collection. That's a great name. Sam Satin. What was his dad's name? Howard Satin. That's an old-time executive. Howard Satin gets a company car every year. Howard Satin smelled good. He smelled good. Howard Satin smelled good. He smelled good.

Howard Satin had bitches. Sam Satin was a great athlete. He had a new Lincoln Continental every year and he had some bitches. Yeah, but he had a legit baseball card collection and if I'm not mistaken he had a baseball signed

by Babe Ruth. That can't be right. That can't be right. People who are right thinking he had a baseball signed by Babe Ruth. That can't be right. That can't be right. People know how to write. People know how to sign back then. Now that I think about that, he probably would have sold that and lived in a mansion. Like I'm thinking, I remember it was in a chest.

You'd walk in their house, and the closet right ahead, there was a chest, and all those baseball cards were in his chest. But so that's really amazing. And so would you do something like what Chappelle's doing, set something like that up in around LA if you could? No, I mean, you could do something, but it would be different. It worked. The magic of it is where it is.

Yeah. It's the whole experience. And I got to tell you something. I would absolutely love to take a couple of flight lessons out there in a helicopter. to uh take a couple of flight lessons out there in a helicopter and it just like i mean i know that they have to deal with severe weather out there sometimes so obviously i would fly on a nice day but just like all the places where if you had a problem that you could set it down out there was ridiculous because out here it's you're picking a road and you got to deal with you know there's always going to be some telephone wire somebody's something coming across which you know for the

most part the blades would cut it but uh you hope but um like just out there there was just fields and just all of these places and then it was also um incredibly beautiful but I would also think that it would be very easy to get lost out there. LA is an easy city to fly over. Even before, if you've been remotely paying attention, even if you've just never flown before, you know where downtown LA is. You got the Hollywood sign, the observatory, you got the ocean, you know, you the hollywood bowl there's all of these major landmarks and i would just think that you know if your gps system was busted out there that it'd be like you could get lost easily if you were a newbie and didn't know where you were yeah um but with the helicopter you could just set it down, knock on a farmhouse, and ask for directions.

Yeah, I guess so. That's awesome. Would you go back out and do more shows out there? Or is it just a cool one-time experience? I absolutely would. But now I know where to eat. And then, like, I would – no, because, dude dude, I went out there and I just had all this pent up just being locked up.

Dude, I ate like a seventh grader when I was out there. Really? And then at night, Dave fed you like a king. So it was like, you know, I, you know, yeah, I was going to the local deli getting a roast beef sandwich with chips and a root beer. I mean, this is like some shit that I would do after summer school or if I had to stay after school or summertime. I was eating like that. But the gym, there was a club, a gym there.

Somebody I know was going there. If he doesn't get sick, then I'm going to go. If I get asked again, I will go. And what I'll do is just do the treadmill. I should have asked Michelle what she'd been doing because she's been there since March and she looked great. She runs like 13 miles a day. Yeah, I saw her jogging so i was like that's what she's doing yeah she's she's a beast man like she is first of all i mean first of all she's absolutely fucking hilarious second it doesn't fuck her up it doesn't fuck her up like some people when they're when they're funny and they're young like that and they're and they're and they just become broken and they're hard to be or difficult to be around or they don't have

like a I'll say that I met and I this is coming from my perspective and I remember I I didn't like I didn't really get success until like five years ago but like sometimes you meet people like that when you when they're way more successful than you at a very young age, and they just kind of write you off. It's really a sad – I've seen it so much. And that's where I get empathy for me and all my friends that didn't pop young, is they write you off, and you see that happen. And then when you get successful, they stop writing you off, and they become nice to you again.

And you're like, oh, that's odd. That's who that person is. And then you'll see them do it to your friend. Who's booking the show. Maybe who, who put them on the show. They'll write him off. And you'll be like, well,

I'll tell them Michelle Wolf is not that fucking person, which is so impressive in this business to find someone who will give you, this is how I shoot. I shoot right like this. I'm going to, I'm going to treat you like this. And if you're Dave Chappelle, I'm treating you like that. If you're Bert Kreischer, I'm treating you like that. If you're Joe Rogan, I I shoot right like this. I'm going to treat you like this. And if you're Dave Chappelle, I'm treating you like that. If you're Burt Kreischer, I'm treating you like that. If

you're Joe Rogan, I'm treating you like that. If you're, you know what I mean? It's really- I'm amazed that, because people who do that are like trying to streamline their way to where they want to be. So there's an element of being a shrewd business person, but you would think that that would, you at least, even if you weren't't that person you'd be smart enough to pretend to be that person so dude let me tell you something because what happens you go up you come back down again and then that's nothing too is that person you think isn't shit you know one of them is gonna blow by everybody and then like you're gonna be that person that treat him like a jerk like i mean i don't know what kind of reputation i have but like me i've always been like antisocial.

Like I sit at a party and I could sit right in the middle of it and not talk to anybody and be totally having a good time. It's weird. I'm like, I noticed that about myself that I just sort of gravitate towards the corners. I'll tell you right now, I've tried to articulate this and it's very difficult and not everyone's going to get to have my experience. My experience is extremely unique in this business, and it's called survivor's remorse.

So what happened was, you know, I feel like I had some good energy young in my career, and then towards the end of my Travel Channel run, right when I was about to get fired, I was kind of going nowhere. And I've talked about this a lot, but I remember you and Ber, you and Rogan sitting me in the green room at the store saying, just get away from Travel Channel, man. Do your show, do your podcast. You're too funny. Do a special. You're wasting your time. But what's interesting is in that period of time that you guys talked to me, and then a little bit after when, you know know you got to see the type of people people really are I'll use Sam Tripoli as an example because he's our he's a good friend of mine yeah I know yeah like when you when you're laying in the gutter yeah you find you find out who your friends are find out who your friends are and you Rogan Ari Segura Joey you find certain people look over

your shoulder when you're not important and then all of a sudden when I popped and I started selling tickets to theaters and adding shows to theaters, it's amazing to watch that eyeline go right back to your eyes. And they're like, all of a sudden you're important to them. I made it again. I made it. And it's weird. It's hard because I – You should have said that to one of them, grabbed by the shoulder.

Oh, my God god are you looking me in the eye hey I made it so and so is actually it's you know what's funny about those people is they don't think that they notice when it's like they're in a in a in a a music studio and they're bringing the fader up and bringing it down they don't think that they noticed that that they brought it down and bringing it down. They don't think that they noticed that, that they brought it down and brought it back up. They don't think that you noticed that they did that. Yeah. And it's, it's amazing because you don't want to say anything cause you,

you like the attention of, of, of people. But like, I remember, I remember there was a period of time where you, I remember before secret time came out and by the way, secret time was like the special that kind of helped me go over. You'd be talking to someone in the hallway, and they would literally leave you mid-conversation and just walk to someone else, and you'd be like, I guess we're done.

That happened to me in the laundromat out in Yellow Springs. But it's one of the things that I respect about, but it's one of the things that I, that I respect about, like that I look about and I, and I hate to hang on, hang my hat on this episode about the Chappelle thing is that Chappelle does not seem to have that. He seems to be very grounded and I don't know if it's,

he moved to Ohio or whatever, but he seems like he's surrounding himself with the legit people. He likes Michelle Wolf, Mo Amor, Donnell Rollins, you know, common seems like he's surrounding himself with the legit people he likes, Michelle Wolf, Mo Amor, Donnell Rollins, you know, Common. It really seems like to be a really cool way to do this business. Yeah, no, he definitely, you know, people that can do that, you know, I mean, I guess I could do it at some some level but like I don't know my family really likes it out here you know and um I don't know but there was I will tell you

I was very envious of people that lived out there every time I saw an old pickup drive by i saw people on motorcycles i saw people towing boats in rvs and um i was joking about it on my podcast about how uh these people that make fun of fly overstates it's like you don't understand the kind of fun that you can have out there. I mean, and it's just like, I mean, it looks like Eden. After you live in LA and it's on fucking fire and you go out and this place is all green

and they have a dairy where they like make the ice cream right there and it's like, I can't even tell you. I went out and I deliberately, I got a vanilla shake,

the most bland flavor ever because I'm going to see like, all right, I'm not going to let you hit me with, you know oreo cookie or anything i'm gonna strip this thing down to the fucking floorboards and let's see if you can wow me and dude it was the best vanilla shake i've had i can't even remember and um there's a place you know back when i was a kid where i grew up that was a farm once again and and they they made that's the best ice cream I've had since going to that place but like that's my thing dude if I go to get a pizza

first place time I go I go order a margarita you're not gonna fool me with your toppings and if I go to get like a milkshake I go vanilla you can wow me with the vanilla you realize how aggressive of a patron you are you're not gonna fucking trick me i want to see how you do it your best what do we say with like with chefs with chefs they say tell they say uh scramble an egg it's something really simple but it's really like a difficult like there's an art or it's an i think it's an omelet or an egg or something that's the first thing that they do they want to see how you do that and how you do that informs their belief in what else you know what they want you to do whether they think that you're you're ready for the job or not did you and me ever have that moment

on that trip where you were like hey what let's just zillow a house see what we could get out here oh yeah probably four times a day um i just know that, you know, how my wife is. Like, she's, like, super smart and really creative. And she would go nuts. Yeah. So, same way I would go nuts, but I'd get to leave. And, like, hey, I'm in Nashville.

I'm doing Atlanta. I wouldn't go nuts. Motorcycles. Dude, when you said dave's motorcycle collection i was like how much fun is a motorcycle on an ohio state road just nowhere no because my thing is i am a um i like the uh the harley road king with no bags stripped down with the white wall tires that's what i want i'm not a speed guy that's at some point as an american i have to ride one in the middle of nowhere on a country road like that's

a bucket list thing that i'm gonna do yeah um but like i was out here i had a triumph bonneville i had it for like six weeks and somebody almost took my fucking head off and i was just i got off the bike i was like shaking i was like fuck this what am i all i kept thinking was i'm gonna lose my leg and i wasn't even thinking about stand-up i was thinking about playing drums and how much i was like i need my legs dave's uh dave's you don't have to go into detail just give me give me an analogy give me some of, give me some sort of fulfillment in this Dave's motorcycles. He has superb taste. Really taste. I'm not going to MTV crib somebody else's fucking house.

No, no, no, no, no. As a motorcycle guy. Cause I know that I've seen what he rides on, um, on Instagram. And I ran into him in Dayton one time and i saw what he rides does he is it an eclectic motorcycle collection or is it pretty much same same i i don't i don't i don't know i'm not i'm not i'm not gonna talk about like i was in the guy's house i'm not gonna start describing what's in the guy's house okay okay his children their hairstyles now i want to know you're like a lawyer objection strike that let me reframe the question you gotta realize man it it is it's the weirdest time in comedy and he is doing the most unique

right let's just say if you stop acting like a fan right now and act like a comic you're gonna get the gig i'm not going i can't keep any of that shit secret are you fucking kidding me i'm gonna end up i'll end up slipping up on the one thing that he cares about and I'll be like, no, man, he's got great weed. He's like, don't talk about the fucking weed. No, I would love to go. I would love to go. I mean, I think every comic would love to go. You should go. It would be great.

It's just like... I've never even met him. I met him one time, but I don't think he... He didn't know who I was. But I've never even met him. I don't know how many more they're doing. I met him one time, but I don't think he – he didn't know who I was. But I've never even met him. Oh. All right. Well.

I don't think I'm going to get an invite to, like, hey, Bert, I'd love to meet you at my house. Hey, can you come out and spend a weekend with me? I don't know who you are, but I bet we'd get along pretty good. Hey, you're the guy that takes your shirt off, right? You know what? Do you know what's – Yeah, this is all like...

You got low self-esteem, Bert. That's why I'm a comedian, Bill. I know, but so do I. As Patrice told me a long time ago saying when I was going to do that bus gig, he's like, Bill, you got to put a value on what the fuck it is that you do because

you sort of get like you know that institutionalized like prison that happens in show business yeah i think i already talked about this maybe in last podcast where you're just so happy to get stage time yeah i'll clean the bathrooms i'll wash dishes i'll drive for five fucking hours that you forget after a while that like you're now a comedian now i've turned a corner with uh with my self-esteem i think i think these this tour you know this past tour that we did was really kind of it was really awesome to do and i think watching everyone else go out and start i know when you get insecure what you know when i get i know what your tics are i know when you get insecure. What? You know when I get insecure? I know when your tics are. I know what you do. Tell me. I'm dying to hear it.

What you do is you ramp up your personality. You bird it up. When you start being like, like right now you're being Bert. I'm Bert right now, yes. But when I'm seeing like, is there a camera on? Then I'm like, oh, Bert doesn't feel worthy of this opportunity of the situation he's in of talking to this person and then you burn it up yep and you're gonna be the guy with the lampshade on your head you're gonna do something fucking and you put yourself and what's funny is

you put yourself in this mascot position when you actually appear. So you got to be careful with that because then people will view you the exact opposite way that you want. You want to get in because they like you. Yeah. And it's funny because you have that where you see those people looking at you and then looking away and then looking back. But, like, you know, you don't want to be like that little chihuahua that's got to come over and do a fucking front flip i told you you could do it ah come on in and have a shot you don't want to be that guy yeah sorry dude you just go yeah yeah dude listen i have i have my fucking i have my tics too, dude. I talk myself out of a lot of shit.

I do. And I say it's bullshit. You know, I just want to tell my jokes and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, and all this type of shit. And now I have to step back and be like, am I saying that's bullshit because it is bullshit? Because it is some stupid Hollywood shit? Or am I afraid of it?

You know? Yeah. I've never been good. I've never been good. I've never been good with, I've never been good with celebrities. I've just, it's never been my like comfort zone. And I think it's because back to when I was a kid,

celebrity. Is that why you do a podcast with me? I remember meeting Garo Yopremian and being like, Oh shit. A floor that, that I was like, that this is a real man and he's right here. And A floor that, that I was like, that this is a real man and he's right here. And he shook my hand and I shook the hand of a guy who goes on the field at

Buck stadium. Like I fucking, like I remember being amazed meeting like James, James Giles or Leroy Selman. And just being like, that's the guy that does it. Oh yeah. I would totally, I would still, to this day,

I would still be like that. I think I've gotten a lot better. I don't see celebrity. I don't, I don't put a value on it the way I used to, but there are, there's a person that I'm going to meet Friday that I'm working with that I, that I'm like, I'm like one of the biggest fans of. And I, and I have actually, it's so funny you say that Bill, I've been laying in bed in this quarantine going like, how do I make sure that I'm me and not like,

I don't want to put on a, Hey, I don't care because I do, but I don't want to put on like I'm this guy. Cause I'm not. You don't have to figure it out on this time. Just work on it. And then gradually you'll just work on. It's like getting comfortable on stage you have to get comfortable in that social situation it's like you just all you got to do if you want to get better at something is allow yourself like all right i'm gonna fuck this up but hopefully i don't fuck it up as much as i fucked it up the last time and then you just start from there as opposed to being like i have to hit the water toes curled no splash you got my brain i got a greg luganus this shit and it's just like it

ain't gonna happen oh that's fucking great by the way hates my guts huh he hates my guts through greg luganus i don't know what I don't know how he doesn't like you, but Greg Louganis is the only diver I ever saw that made me love diving. Oh, yeah. He was just like, he is the Jordan. Like, I just never, it was like Ken Griffey Jr.'s swing. Like, it's the greatest swing I ever saw but he was diving I remember the time he just like jumped up in the air touched his toes and

went back and went into the water it was the most amazing thing it looked like he could fly yeah Greg Louganis what the fuck did you do to Greg Louganis uh it's a long story the um that sounds like some morning radio shit. No, no, no. It was a TV show and I was flirting with him and then as a joke on the TV show, because it was a TV show, and then he found out that I was straight and he got upset and I was like,

are you being serious? And so, I don't know. It's a lot longer. He kind of went through a lot of shit. He was gay when it wasn't cool to be gay. He got AIDS when it wasn't, or HIV when it wasn't cool to be gay he got aids when it wasn't or hiv when it wasn't cool to get hiv not saying it got cool but like he got it there was a death sentence yeah when it was a death sentence and everyone was like oh i guess that's it and then and and then i was just saying to someone you know with covid which is an interesting thing

or the novel coronavirus whatever you want to call it um i you know we did this big tour and i and we all just got tested i just got tested two minutes ago or uh an hour ago right before this started i got tested you know yeah for for covid what are you guys doing out there what's interesting is i was saying to the crew i was with the comics and the, all the production that we were touring with, this tour is only successful if all of us test negative because the second someone tests positive, there is a whole, like with comics,

there's a big group of comics that are awesome people that love laughing, that love comedy, that love the scene, that love all of it. Like the Chappelle's you, Tony Woods, Donna, I know like that scene. And then there's this underlying group of like people going, if I got COVID, they go, yeah, you fucking deserve it. Cause you were out there trying to tour. Fuck you. That's what you get. I hope you don't like, and you're like, what the fuck? So I was saying to these guys, I was so strict. Cause I was like, yo, we have to come back testing negative or it is our,

it's the perils are with cancel culture are so high of people wanting to get a reason to drag you you know yeah i mean i don't know i i i i just think that that's that's cancel culture is just it's really just gonna be some chicken little shit yeah i mean i just feel like that once once it went to like ellen was mean to me i mean then it's just like oh my god and and then what i love was people were like just taking their lives out on her people who never worked with her they sounded like they worked for her for 30 years and if she was doing half the shit they did it she just did it to them specifically it's like how can you be this emotionally this isn't about this yeah this is about something else that's going on in your fucking life there's no way you're this mad at somebody that you never

met and never worked for oh there was a video that went viral of there was which is so interesting i saw this last night and it was this woman. There was a boba shop, I guess, or a Chinese, Asian. Do you know what I'm talking about, Andrew? It was an Asian. I thought you immediately knew I would know what the fuck it was, and you went to Andrew.

Well, no, he started nodding his head. It was an Asian tea house called the Trap Tea or Tea Trap. Trap Tea. I immediately pictured them in there making t-shirts i think my tea like like they make cool t-shirts no they're making tea and boba tea which is like a eastern uh it's a south indian type tea or whatever anyway vagina any this like ron burgundy right now this this black woman came in with her camera and started filming immediately

and said, is this black-owned? Is this black-owned? She actually ordered. And then she left. Came back in. Came back in and started filming. Is this black-owned? Is this black-owned?

Is this cultural appropriation? Is this cultural appropriation? This is because Trap House is where you sell drugs in, in hip and hip hop culture. I wouldn't say black culture, but like in hip hop community. And what's interesting to me about the hood, Bert, I listened to a lot of TI, trust me, I know. And so, so, uh, what I was stuck with was the amount of anger that resided in this woman is the issue at hand. Is that someone would order a tea and then all of a sudden, like the most innocuous drink, the most relaxing drink, and then go from zero to 100 to the point where she's calling another black man a racial slur. He was Asian. No, the black guy guy line yes she called she

starts yelling at this black guy and it's got so aggressive that i thought that's our issue is that this one people are walking around with rage in their hearts like rage waiting to fucking let go on someone and you're like, fuck that. Like, I got to get away from that. And I think it's Twitter. I think it's social media. I think it's all of it. But I don't know.

That's going to be hard to shake. I think cancel culture is going to disappear, but there's still going to be rage and anger in people's hearts. I don't know how to get rid of that. No, what it's going to be is it's just going to get made fun of. It's like anything that's in eventually becomes trite or or passe whatever the expression is and then it's just you know having giant collars and platform shoes was in how did mccarthyism remember the low five that was this is different how did mism die out uh what's his face said have you no shame um was the one um

oh my god I can I can always remember the guy's name and I probably can't Edward R. Murrow brought him on and he said something to the effect of to have you no shame and that was the end of McCarthyism uh it's it's now you know after it all is over they say and like the way it was told to me then I watched and it just didn't seem as epic as they made it sound but like I think that was the the thing that turned it because he said what a lot of people were saying I think he was the first one going like basically like you are destroying people's lives on accusations and that is literally what is happening now and it's bad enough that people are doing it but watching comedians co-signing on shit where they weren't there and something could have happened something could not have happened but the fact that they're sitting there throwing gas on that fire and so many times throwing the gas on that fire they also criticize their act which

is always a red flag to me being like now wait a minute are you doing this because you believe this story or is are you you know you don't like this person as a comedian and you're you're you're happy that something's happening you know there's a lot of competition there's a lot of uh you know you have to work at you know in any business that you're in to not get negative to not get bitter to not resent somebody else having a better day a better set a better career than you and it's like it's such like a uh that's like that epiphany i came to that like what a waste of energy not being patient is it never makes the thing come quicker it usually makes it me break something or fuck something up or make a bad decision which makes whatever i wanted delayed or maybe not even happen. And, um,

I don't know, you know, I, I, it's weird. Like certain people, they get to, this is what I think there's a fork in the road with getting older and you either go down a road where you're like, I don't know shit. And I need to work on myself or you go down that awful road of, I know everything. And let me tell you something. This is how the world should be. this is who you should vote for this is how people should act in every single situation and you just start wagging your finger at people um i mean all of it is so stupid you're so fucking stupid it's like with some of that shit they keep going after fucking

john wayne the guy's been dead for 40 years, about that fucking airport that's named after him. But then, you know, I read this thing on Coco Chanel. And she was a Nazi sympathizer in France. It's like, well, why don't you stop buying her fucking purses then? You see, they changed the name of Squaw Valley. Well, what's that? Squaw Valley is a popular, I think, ski resort. And this Native American woman. I don't have a problem with redskins and mascots and shit like that. No, no, no, no. The big thing with Squaw Valley is they were saying it's a slur towards women, but the definition technically is wife.

And then you look at like, I'm looking at people fighting online. Well, I think it then becomes how it was interpreted by white people. No, but my point is I'm looking at people fight online, and it's a bunch of people that will never go skiing there, that are like heels in the sand going, how dare you change that name? And then other people going, I find that offensive. I'm like, by the way, who gives a fuck? None of you are going to afford skiing in this fucking valley.

It's expensive as shit. It's overpriced. Fucking do. Who gives a fuck? It's such a, it's like if someone's, if it ruins someone's day to hear something, change it. Who gives a fuck? Who gives a fuck? Yeah, I know.

And then also, you know, i i mean i don't know i can't speak on that shit just because there's nothing there's nothing really out there that's that's that's i i don't have that experience so i have no idea nothing trips me up really fucking people are bothered by it and the argument makes sense like i don't i don't give a shit it's just like you know i still wish it. And the argument makes sense. Like, I don't give a shit. It's just like, you know, I still wish it was called the Pan Am Building. It changed it to MetLife. Oh, does that burn me up, Bert?

That's as deep as I go. How many more days of quarantine do you have left? I just started. I just got back. Okay. Well, I get it. So what I'm doing is I'm gonna get tested make sure i'm okay and um and then you know yeah and then we're all right so i get up tomorrow morning if my if the test i just came back gets negative i get to walk out of my hotel room tomorrow

morning oh that's awesome i can't wait. Awesome. Do you even watch any of the playoffs, dude? My favorite fucking thing last night, I was watching the Bruins versus your boys, the Tampa Bay Lightning. Yeah. So series like 1-0, Tampa Bay is always great. I kind of had a feeling like tomorrow, last night was going to be that night, but we scored a late one. They ended up beating us in overtime.

It was a great fucking game. But they scored the equalizer to make it 1-1. And it was just one of these things where they were doing a change and this guy didn't skate hard enough back to the bench and he was still in our zone and tampa was off sides but it had nothing to do with the goal yeah but uh cassidy our coach challenged it they're showing the replay and tampa's coach knows it's going to get called back and he as this skate no he they told him that it was no goal or whatever dude he said you fucking cunts like fucking nine times in a row and they kept showing him it was clear as day he's gonna you fucking cunt you fucking fucking cunt. He just kept saying it. I was dying because it was the perfect word because it was such a cunt.

He should have been yelling it at Cassidy. Yeah. Because the refs were like – because the refs didn't call it offside. Cassidy challenged it, and then they looked at it. He was just yelling at the wrong person because they were the messenger. I mean, it's got to be up there. Somebody must have put a clip on it. It's so clear as day. Like, he's yelling it so loud.

It's like if you were deaf your first day, you could have read this guy's fucking lips. He goes, ah, you fucking cunts. You fucking cunts. And he was really getting into it. I loved it it was really cathartic oh that's great yeah and they played

they're a really good team man so I'm really really into it and tonight they got the Flyers are playing game two

against the Islanders and all these Flyer fans meaning three were talking shit because they were the number one seed when the Bruins came back we didn't win a game

in the little round robin thing and Flyers went undefeated and you know talking shit because they were the number one seed. When the Bruins came back, we didn't win a game in the little round robin thing. And Flyers went undefeated. And, you know, they handled the Canadiens pretty easily. Got their asses kicked on one game, like 5-0. And then they just closed out the series. But this first game, like the Islanders are scary.

And they came in and just fucking mopped the floor with them. Shut them out. I think it was like 4-0, 5-0. I might be combining games, combining series. I might have the score wrong. But, like, so tonight is, like, such a huge game. I just love that sports are back. Yeah.

And, like, when my team's not in it, other than the Canadians, I'll root against the Canadians. But, like, as much as, you know, Flyer fans can be cunty, they're funny. And I want to see seven games. So, tonight I'm hoping that they're going to win. Is that Flyers? Flyers? Islanders, dude. Great series.

Flyers, Islanders? Well, I mean, it should be a great series. Yeah. Because Islanders are like, you know, ridiculously talented. They got the coach from fucking the Capitals that won it a few years ago, I believe. And then the Flyers were the number one seed. So it's a really good matchup. And then as a Bru bruins fan i'm psyched that one of those teams is going to

get knocked out but our goalie just said i'm not playing he's got a kid on the way or had just had the kids like i'm not gonna play in front of no fans this is bullshit so he said fuck it so we got this dude halak in there and he's been pretty solid he's been pretty been pretty solid. He had one – should have had a shot at one game, made a bonehead move trying to clear it out, and the guy just knocked it out of the air, put it in the net. And then last night on a breakaway, I thought they went five-hole on one. Watch, I – you know, there's always one that you wish you could have back, but I'm really happy with him.

I think he's a solid dude. Well, now I got something to do tonight. I'll watch that. And I'm also doing fantasy football this fall. That will make – that would be a blast how much how much of my week has to be taken up by doing that none none zero it's fucking awesome i'll tell you what man you were talking about doing laundry my biggest the thing i missed the most about doing clubs is sunday doing laundry organizing my organizing my backpack, organizing my suitcase. I knew none of those clothes were coming out because I had a weekend the next weekend.

So I organized everything, washed everything, have fantasy football on on my computer, have it on on my iPad, and watching the games. It was the greatest, man. I miss that. It's the best. A little afternoon cigar after that, forget about it. Well was the greatest, man. I miss that. It's the best. A little afternoon cigar after that, forget about it. Well, then you stink again.

But I just think, yeah, I really miss. I just, like, what I got to experience this past weekend of just going out there, making people laugh, hearing other comics laughing. Yeah. And then just seeing all those other artists doing all the stuff that they do like and just a great guy there was so many people there was this guy doing poetry i mean this fucking guy like i've never felt like i don't want to follow a poet i was like murdering and

took him on this whole emotional ride like afterwards people just like wow what the fuck and then i'm gonna come up there so um well great man i think we did a great episode what do you think yeah i think that was that was effortless man i think it cruised right by the way go to chapelle's every week i'm really impressed with that. I can't. Look, the thing I got to say is that. Call me up, dude, and I'll tell you anything you want to know.

Don't worry, Bill. I will. You've got a big fucking mouth, dude. Hey, listen. I can keep good secrets when it comes to shit like that. The thing I feel. No eye contact when you made that statement. I can keep good secrets when it comes to shit like that. The thing I feel... No eye contact when you made that statement. I can keep good secrets.

I've kept a lot of secrets about you. You and Rogan are number one, number two secret guys. I call my fucking special secret time. I'm a bad guy. I pride myself when somebody tells me, don't tell anybody. I won't even tell my wife me, don't tell anybody. I won't even tell my wife. I don't say shit.

I don't say a word. I don't say a word about stuff. I really think that somebody's private life is their private life. And I really think if somebody says, this is a secret, don't tell anybody, like the trust that they're putting in you because they need to get it off their chest. They have, cause it's bothering them and they're going to you to to find some sort of a moment of peace and you betray that you fucking betray that when you go out and tell somebody else it's a bitch move yeah i don't i'm good at keeping serious i'm not good at like things i don't know are secrets

i'm not good like um oh there's a little wiggle room right there you're a little corporation aren't you you just wiggled right out of that fact if you give me the address of your house i'm zillowing it immediately yeah so i'm just regular bro it's the thing i love about getting to do this job. I'm down to earth, man. I can't keep my fucking mouth shut. I am as regular as any other motherfucker watching this. You're not. I am just as regular. You're not. I'm excited.

When you said I'm at Chappelle's, I got so excited. I could tell a fucking soul. And I was like, I hope he wants to talk about this. Can I tell you something? Yes. This is something that's going on right now. Like, you don't give yourself compliments. People observe your behavior, and they give you the compliment.

No one's. I'm not a Karen. I'm regular. I mean, it's just everybody's just bestowing these. They're just giving themselves stripes, and they're moving up in ranks as far as like. It's like, no, other people will tell you if you're a good shit or not. Yeah. And I'm telling

you bert you got loose lips if anyone's got them it's me that's a good name for a podcast by the way loose lips with bert kreiser or a special oh i like that all right let's wrap this up i'm gonna go this would be great if you told a bunch of pussy stories about a bunch of whores that you weren't supposed to talk about. That works on two different levels. That's a great fucking podcast of just someone who just every chick he fucked. Pussy stories. Nothing but pussy stories. I don't know what kind of advertising you can get.

Loose Lips with Bert Kreischer. What's the biggest pussy you ever encountered? Oh. Cavernous. That's a good fucking. There you go. Awesome, man. Well, I'm glad you had a good time at Chappelle's.

I think that's so fucking awesome. I had a great time. Any of that fucking locker room shit you want to know. You're a fellow comic. But you got a big mouth. I won't tell. All right, everybody. This has been another wonderful episode of The Bill.

Pawn. All right, everybody. This has been another wonderful episode of The Bill. Pause. Thank you.