The Bill Bert Podcast - The Bill Bert Podcast | Episode 32

Episode Date: September 23, 2020

Bill and Bert prattle about flying during a pandemic, disabling comments, and what listeners would buy if they weren't married.

B-roll. You ready? And it's on me. Is it on me? It's on me. This podcast is brought to you by Bud Light Seltzer. Your new flavors are here. Keep listening for more. Hey, everybody. How you doing? And welcome to another wonderful episode, if I can talk this week, of The Bill. Bert. Pod. Cash.

What's going on, dude? I love that they make cigar clippers that have a back for the savages that don't know how to cut a cigar. Let me see that. It's got like a wall in the back so you can't go too deep because you're just supposed to cut the tip, the little nipple off. And some fucking idiots go, dude talk about fucking idiots one of the guys on my tour that my cameraman he'll i caught him one time he goes oh i don't want the whole cigar i'm just gonna break it in half i'm like what the wait how's he gonna do it break it in half where he's like i'll just take the cutter and then cut it in half and i went no no that's not how that works

just i said just smoke half the cigar and he goes why don't waste it i went no you're wasting it if you cut it in half then you've wasted it you've wasted a cigar yeah and then save it and then when you want a half a cigar later just buy him a nub i i'm gonna start getting nubs because he's gone through good cigars and been like, why don't we just split this? And it's not a Subway sandwich. This isn't Jersey Mike's cigar. That is a, that is a thing that you learn early on when in your, your cigar smoking that if you show up to a party,

you know, and people find out you got some smokes, the amount of fucking casual smokers that are gonna show up, say that, and I look at them, I go, do you smoke cigars? And they always say yeah, and then they slobber all over. Bird, where did you go, man? I'm reliving my childhood, Dad! You like my pants?

I love it, I like the hat too, dude. You're looking very chilled. You look good. I'm so happy to be home. You have no fucking idea. It's written all over your face, dude. You look great. So, you know, you get to a party, and then all these guys show up.

Because I think everybody on some level likes the idea of smoking a cigar until they do it, right? So then, like, half your box, you look in the ashtray, and they're just, like, a third done, ones, like, all chewed on and slobbered on. That might be, like, a guy who's trying to cut down, though. I've never understood those guys. You just want to walk around and have it in their mouth, and they suck on it like a pacifier? You know who I don't understand?

I don't understand people that go, ooh, I love cigars. Let me take a hit of your cigar. I'm like, no, no, no, this is like a pacifier. You know who I don't understand? I don't understand people that go, ooh, I love cigars. Let me take a hit of your cigar. I'm like, no, no, no. This is like a woman. I can't share this with you. You can't. I can't give you my cigar. You suck on it for a little bit and then pass it back. I'd rather share a dick with you in prison than a cigar. All right, you went big here, there,

but I know what you're trying to say. Oh, man, you sent me on a fucking internet spiderweb downward spiral of shit I'd want to buy. Oh, the hashtag if I wasn't married. I got some stories, dude. I had a surprise reaction from my lovely wife. Really? Well, I showed her that RV and I said, listen, I go, I have to confess something. I go, I put a bid on this thing for eight grand. She goes, you what? I go, yeah, I put a bid in and I just kept making this face like, I put a bid in on it. So she goes you what i go yeah i put a bid in and i just kept making this face like

i put a bid in on it so she goes where are we gonna keep it i go you know there's there's a garage this garage is out in pasadena there's stuff in the valley you know i can take you out to uh what's that fucking park everybody always wants to go out to. Joshua Tree. Joshua Tree, yeah. I can take you out to Joshua Tree and all of that stuff. She goes, well, how much is that gonna cost to fix? It's a piece of junk. I go, no, but the body's straight. It looks so good.

Dude, I just, I didn't put a bid on it because I just wanted to watch her lose her shit. And then she just sort of caved and was like, it was okay. So now I don't know what to do. Like like because now I'm just sitting there going like I don't need a 26 foot truck that I have to deal with in my life do I have to get a license a special license to drive that they don't just let you drive that down the street 26 feet texting while driving just coming down it is the it is the actual car from stripes it is the actual one yeah so and she woke up this morning and she goes can we look up new rvs because she doesn't think i bought it yet i haven't i haven't even put in a thing for it

but it's just like i don't know dude i have I just look at that. That's something I could do to put like a down payment on something in aviation. Cause that's what I want to do. Cause I'll tell you Friday and Saturday, the first time in two and a half years, I had the time with the pandemic to do enough training to solo. And I soloed both days. And I got to tell you, man, I never been so relaxed. I never had so much fun relaxed I never had so much fun I never had so much confidence I went to uncontrolled airports controlled airports did pad work practicing all this stuff you know everything short of like auto rotations which you know you got to get to a

certain level I almost think you almost you need some sort of certification to just do one of those on your own. I mean, I guess you could, but to practice, but like my instructor just said, a lot of things can happen when you're, even if you're simulating one of those. So don't do those, but I'm like, all right. So, but I, I had this amazing, amazing, two amazing flights. And, you know, things came up during the flight. I was able to handle them, you know, radio stuff, traffic and that type of stuff. And I knew what to do. There was one thing that this guy said at Burbank. And I just, you know, you got to have no ego. I just went, I was like, Burbank Tower, I don't know what that means.

He goes, that means I see you at the, what, what is it? The, the, the one 70 and the five or something like that. Cause he just said a bunch of numbers. And I was like, what is that? Some military frequency? What the hell was that? He was just saying that I, cause he had me ident, which means you just flash on their radar so they can watch you. And he, and he was talking to two highways. What was it? It's the 5 and the 118 or something like that. I forget what it was. So I know the other pilots were laughing, but also they're saying, well, that's what you're supposed to do. It's just go, I don't know what the fuck you're saying. Yeah, I don't know what that means. Yeah, my ego would get in the way. I'm certain my ego would get in the way of my safety. No, that's the great thing about being self-deprecating.

I've always enjoyed being self-deprecating. It shortens the trashing when you agree with it. You bald orange motherfucker. I know. Fucking, I'm a mess. I brush my teeth with my head down

and then it's over. They brush my teeth with my head down. What about your shirt? Yeah, at least it isn't my face. It just keeps going. Yeah. You just own up to your bullshit.

Yeah, I'm a fat fuck. I mean, yeah. I like Oreo cookies. What can I say? Maybe I would be good at that, at being like, yeah, I don't know what you're saying. Because I am, I do, if I don't know what a word means, I had a friend, Maurice Golson. His name was, we called him Weecho. And the one thing I learned from him growing up is-

Is that important to the story or do you just want to let us know that? Yeah, just throw it in. I love that detail. i love it is i loved his nickname huicho it's such a great fucking nickname all right and so uh so his um his english wasn't his first language he's fluent in english but it was like if you said a word that he didn't know he'd always just go i don't i don't know what that word means and then I remember I wasn't that way and I was like why do you do that and he goes why would I pretend to know what a word means when I don't know what they're saying I go I do that all the time I do that in books I'll read a book and not know what the word means and I'll just go it didn't mean something smart about empathy I guess no saying I don't know is a good thing.

Yeah. Definitely is a good thing. So I tried, oh, dude, I got a crazy story, man. I tried to do a show down at, I'm not going to say where it was, because who knows who's right and who's wrong or whatever. It was down along the coast here in California. Yeah. And I went down there, dude.

And when I tell you I showed up and it was jam packed with people, nobody wearing masks. And I swear to God, I saw a baby. I swear to God, there was a baby. I can't confirm it. I just saw it because it was too much to take in. It was like I stepped it back in a time machine to January. And I showed up. And all the comics were wearing masks. I was just like, dude, what the? And I was peeking over the fence. I was like, what the fuck is going on out there?

They go, yeah, dude, this is a different world. Yeah. So the lady, the club owner, sweetheart of a person, person comes out offering food she's talking to me she doesn't have a mask on and she's like talking like right here and it's like I got the baby I'm traveling soon I just got tested that day because I have to do my tour and I gotta make sure I don't have it I don't want to give it to pilots. I don't give it to anybody. So I'm like, Whoa, whoa, whoa. I'm like, where's your mask? And she's like, Oh, she's like, Are you from LA? I knew she was gonna do that. I go, No, I'm from Massachusetts. She's like, you came all the way out here from Massachusetts to do this.

And I go, No, you asked me where I'm from. I live in LA, but I'm from Massachusetts. She goes, All right, she goes, I'll put a mask on. I go, thank you. I got a kid. So she comes back out. She has a mask on. And every time she goes to talk, she pulls it down going like, no, no, no, it's very safe out here. You don't understand. We're at the beach. We have a breeze down. She puts it up and I go, ma'am, I can hear you through your mask. And when she said the breeze thing, it's just was just like, oh, you guys are just making up shit down here. So you can just continue to live your life. The funniest thing to do is you could still smell the smoke from the from the fires out here. And I saw this giant bonfire on the beach these people were having. It's like it's not enough that God lit one with lightning. There's a whole mountain

on fire. That's not enough for you? But I need my own fire. And I left there and I could tell you without a doubt if I went to Vegas, if there's a line on trump and biden i take all my chips i'm pushing it in on on trump oh god yes i was i flew i flew yesterday i flew back from atlanta to la it's the first time i've been in the airports and uh yeah everyone had masks on no even on the plane everyone kept their mask on the plane um but uh yeah i mean you go to i went to the crown room to like the delta crown room and people they were socially distant people had their mask off at their table like eating or drinking i got a cocktail and i had mask up here i'd lower it take a sip put it back up and then just burp whiskey into my nose. So disgusting.

Just hot boxing whiskey. But the level of respect you have for your fellow man, because my big thing is like, look, I'm not a scientist either, so I listen to what the CDC says. And just my thing is like, you know, if I'm wrong, worst case scenario, you breathe your own breath, which, you know, isn I'm wrong, worst case scenario, you breathe your own breath. Yeah. Which, you know, isn't healthy.

But who's kidding who? We're also smoking cigars. People eat fried food and fucking ice cream. So it's not like we're all a bunch of health nuts. But if I go the other way and I'm wrong, you know, somebody's grandparents could die. Like small businesses go out of business. Corporations stay in business. And then it all becomes one giant Walmart.

So I don't know, but whatever. I mean, that's how they lived. I respect that that's how they did it. The lady was a sweetheart down there. I really liked her. I really appreciated y'all for the food, but I didn't do the show. I was just like, I'm out of here. I don't want to be a part of this.

I respect this is what you guys want to do. You guys think you're right. I don't think you're right. I don't want to do this. I think you're wrong. There don't think you're right. I don't want to do this. I think you're wrong. There's a lab coat out there. It's interesting, too. Obviously, I'm not the fucking greatest person,

but because of the pandemic and because of people losing their jobs, I've been weird about spending money because I was going to fly private home. I was going to spend the money because I'd been fly private home i was gonna i was gonna spend the money because i'd been doing a tv show i'd earn money i was gonna fly private home and i just could not bring myself to fucking buy the ticket fucking money i couldn't i it was like it was thirty thousand dollars and i thought like that's such a tremendous waste of money i was like i've got i mean i'm in my head i'm like that's such a i'm not not to shit on people flying private i understand i have a lot of friends that do it exclusively i get it

if you can spend the money and you're making the money that's great but i just thought it was such a let them eat cake kind of way i don't know what that means uh maria i think it was maria antoinette said they said the um the the kid the people the paupers in the street are don't have any meat to eat she goes well then just let them eat cake like she was just so disconnected oh yeah i'm like how poor people why wouldn't well they don't have meat just have the dessert then and instead they were like they definitely don't have cake either marie and so by the way i don't think you're sitting there uh yeah you know turning on the kitchen aid there but but i just thought i i literally thought to myself that i what a silly waste of money

to fucking i couldn't do it i couldn't do it i really genuinely couldn't do it and i and i wanted to i really wanted to and i had been working for 47 days straight i felt like i'd i would it was my treat to myself and at the last minute i was like i'll just fly commercial i was like it's got to be safe it's got to be safe i ran into la it's four hours i had my mask on the whole time i wiped down the whole area i uh i i limited my drinking because I didn't want to be like zero contact. I didn't, meaning I poured it in a flat in a thermos. I just brought little bottles and I put I didn't get beers from the guy. So but it's just so weird. It's so weird to go through.

Obviously, I don't want this to sound virtue signaling, but to look at the guys doing TSA, and I wanted to say thank you. I wanted to be like, hey, man, you're like a necessary worker for us. Isn't it funny that virtue signalers have ruined just common politeness? Yeah, yeah. I always feel like if you thank somebody in the military, it just comes off like fucking like trite. Like it doesn't mean, thank you for your service. It's just like, it's like you're just saying, you know,

like a catchphrase almost at this point. They're not wrong that I will say though, that during this pandemic, you know, I'm bringing my family back east for this run. So I am going to fly private on that just because I have a baby. You have a baby. That makes total sense. But I then added like a bunch of shows to pay because I was going to have the time off, the nights off to be with my family. But instead, I booked more shows to pay, because I was going to have the time off, the nights off, to be with my family, but instead I booked more shows to pay for. It is such a colossal, I still don't see, like, because my agent's just like, well, we'll just book, we'll book you more dates,

and that'll pay for the plane, and then like, yada, yada, yada. It's like, yeah, and then I'm blowing out my voice more. I'm not spending time with my family. It's just like, that's another reason. Just wear a mask, do what they say. You know, just try to contain it as much as you can as these brilliant people are working on a vaccine. And then I can go back to flying commercial because I love flying commercial.

I like being in a bigger plane. I like being in a bigger plane. I like seeing people. You get bits. You get ideas. I like, and I actually, you know, I'm not a big fan of huge airports, but I love airports. I kind of like, I like flying commercial.

I feel like it's the difference between riding in like a hatchback or being in a Cadillac. You know, I fly first class. What the fuck more do you want? Nice big seat. I get a nice little meal. I meet people. You know, dude, one time I flew first class.

I sat next to Frankie Valli. I couldn't believe it. And the fucking guy was like in such great shape. He was in incredible shape, dude. Like 0% body fat. fat and dude when i tell you the flight was over the way this guy boom got up out of the chair i'm like this guy's in his 80s it was really like um inspiring as a performer going like i want to be like this guy when i'm 80 mine's ricky crushing it selling tickets still flying class, and still when the flight's over, boom, I'm right up.

Ricky Springfield. Nice. I had him on. I had a season where we must have been on tour in the same cities every week. I saw him on every one of my flights to the point where I became friends with his tour manager. Like, I ran into his tour manager a couple times at the bar. I don't think Rick Springfield drinks. But I got to the point where I started seeing him and I'd like nod to him like you again huh and I just I wanted to I just wanted to get to the point where I could

say that line from Boogie Nights when Jesse's girl comes on Ricky Springfield he's a friend of mine yeah it's it's interesting I uh Yeah, it's interesting. It's interesting. It's so funny. I have a hard time like people, the big thing, when we ended the show, the big thing people were doing was, they're getting Black Lives Matter signs. And then they were taking pictures with us with the black lives matter signs it was uh it was weird because

i i definitely support black lives matters no but there's there's a thing where they're just jumping in and then they're bringing you into they're using you yeah and i was like i felt i felt odd because i because there are certain signs I felt there are definitely signs I would not want to be in front of you know and I I feel like I should just do that but I I didn't do it it was a weird like this sounds so silly but it wasn't a bullying thing but it's the same it's the same way I felt like on the day that you had the blacked out Twitter or Instagram and people were attacking you if you hadn't blacked yours out or if you were like me and you. Why do you read comments?

I didn't. I actually. You don't read the comments. You don't know what they're saying. That's, that's, that's the secret. I,

I, I disabled my comments on that day. And cause I didn't want to read them and I didn't want to. I don't know. I wouldn't have done that. That's, that's a little more hostile. That's like turning the lights lights out going down to the basement

that's a big mistake Bill I found out the hard way your silence is deafening it's just it's such a weird thing your sayings are cliche it's such

a weird thing because I don't know it was like like, it was such a, I was, there's a bunch of pictures of me. There's the best one is like me. And I think Snoop and a bunch of all the black people on set and they're like, Bert, get in this picture. And I was like, Hey man, I don't think you want me in your picture. I've told too many jokes in the past. It was like, get in. I go, just so you know, this is the sign they're gonna use

when i say something inappropriate about black people and they're like well then we want to be in the picture get in the picture yeah it was uh it's it's so fucking good to be home my energy is different like i am like i am like i had a great fuck got my pool, I met my new dog last night. That was awesome. The dog didn't know me. Can you show the people? Let me see. Mac!

My whistling's off. Mac! Right out your mouth with that smoke. Yeah. He'll be back here in a second. I'll bring him in. My daughter's picked me up at the airport last night my daughter's got her own car she's driving it's like a fucking different it's a different world it's a different fucking world

you know uh my dog was back in town yeah it's still technically it's like it's my dog i just i just pay for the trainer to have it so it lives out the rest of its life. It's a long story. It's a long story. I took rescuing to a whole other level. You had a joke about that that was so great about, I'm going to do your joke back to you. Rescuing a dog seems like a great idea until one day you're making toast

and find out the dog was beaten with a toaster. And he's like, ah, ah. Yeah. What was the bit? I probably would have said when you're making breakfast and then you realize your dog was beaten by a toaster. That way if you don't say toaster twice. Yeah.

Because then I don't know why it just ruins it it's crazy that the little rules of comedy i'm just doing that for anybody out there who's just starting to write jokes i don't know what that is but it's almost like you you open the crack so they could peek in to see the punch line coming yeah yeah that yeah you gave too much of your magic trick away, like where they see it, and they're like, eh, it didn't work that time. I wrote a great new bit about smoking. That was that Jackie the Joke Man bit.

What's that? Jackie the Joke Man, he told that story about the lion. He goes, there was a lion. I'm going to butcher this. He goes, there was a lion, and he was taking a drink of water, right? And he bent over to take a drink of water, and his tail came up, king of the beast, you know, drinking the water. All of a sudden a gorilla ran up behind him and he goes, he gives him the old Liberace.

One stroke and takes off. And the lion's like, what the fuck? And starts chasing the lion. So let's say chasing the gorilla. So the gorilla's running and he's running and he's running. And he comes to this campsite and he looks into the tent. There's nobody in there. So he runs in, he picks up a hat, he puts it on and he picks up the New York Times. He starts reading it. The lion's sniffing. He comes in, he comes right to the tent, opens it up and he looks and he sees what he sees. He goes, hey, buddy. He goes, did you see a gorilla come run by here? And the gorilla goes, oh, you mean that one that just fucked that line in the ass And then the line goes It's already in the papers I know I butchered it No

But Jackie the joke man talked about how he told the joke He goes I had to say he picked up the New York Times Yes As I said if he picked up the paper I would have said that again And that's also why he said, gave me all Liberace. Cause if you said, fuck the line in the ass,

that's also in the punchline. And I butchered it. Cause I said, he looked in and he said, he asked the gorilla. That's why I had to say, Hey buddy. Cause I fucked that part up.

I stink at telling street jokes. Can I tell you that may, that just made me so happy because I have heard that joke before, but I forgot it. And I forgot it. And it gave me old Liberace. And I went, I know this joke. I love this joke.

But I couldn't remember what I loved about it. Because I told it to you. That's Jackie the Joke Man's way of telling it. He was on Gilbert Gottfried's podcast. And, dude, he was just one after the other. And then Gilbert was matching him. If you can ever find that episode, dude, we were in Canada, me, Bartnick and Verzi, and we would just die in laughing. It's just

street jokes. They're the best, man. There's no fat on them, unless I tell one. Then I add all these extra words that don't need to be there. That's amazing. I tried in my last special to write a joke joke. Like I wanted to write a joke, but I did it my own way, you know? Instead of a guy walks into a bar. It was based on Norm Macdonald.

I walked into a coffee shop. I walked into Starbucks. I did it in sets of threes. And then the punchline wasn't the punchline you thought it was going to be. But I would love to of threes and then the punchline wasn't the punchline you thought it was going to be. But I would love to be able to write a joke like that. Like it's in the papers. Who writes them? Because I know like back in the day, I used to work in this warehouse. I used to do the second shift. I forget what time it was like from five to midnight or whatever the

hell it was. Or four to midnight, I think it was. And there was a guy there going through a divorce. So he was had a second job. Yeah. To help pay for wherever he was living now. And he used to have all these street jokes. I was like, where do you hear these? He goes, salesman. He was always on these sales calls. I call these guys down in New York, you know, talking on the salesman, and they just knew these jokes. And then they were the guys, I don't know who wrote them, but the guys who used, back in the day before, you know, everybody had a laptop and the computers and all of that shit,

how the jokes went around with salesmen calling each other and just, you know, just sort of breaking the ice when they call each other, you know, getting to know each other. You know, two guys walking to a bar, blah, blah, blah, and all that shit. It's interesting because don't stop me. Just let me finish what I'm about to say. You're one of the best comics I know, hands down. But do you think you could write a joke to put in your act that people –

different than the way your brain thinks can you think you could write lions taken like how how would you you'd have to try that i think it would take me it would be just like when i first sat down to write material you have the first time you're going to do an open mic and you're like all right i'm going to sit down and write something and you i just remember staring at the paper like i've've been funny my whole life. I've made people, but I was always on the fly. Like, how do I do this? I would probably be that. And then from there, I would see if I could do it. I don't think I could, but I actually think a lot of street jokes came out of like racism, homophobia, anti-Semitism, religious stuff. I think back in the day with all the different ethnicities, they would just say, how many Polacks does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two, one guy to hold on, the other guy to turn him around. And then that became, then people would steal the jokes. How many Italians? And it was the same thing. And then I just think people kept building on those because those probably weren't funny anymore. Because if you think of like a lot of the classic street jokes, a lot of them are shitting on a religion, you know,

two priests and a rabbi goes in and it's like, all right, there's going to be something either shitting on the priests or shitting on being Jewish. You kind of know where that comes from. So I think a lot of that went from that. And then, I don't know. There's a lot of them with like animals in them. I remember Buddy Hackett told some fucking story about,

I forget who this guy, instead of having a dick, he had an elephant trunk. And there was something about he went over his girlfriend's house to have dinner. And then all of a sudden the trunk came out. When they were passing the food around, the trunk just grabbed some food and went under the table. The girlfriend's mother was like, can you do that again? And the guy was like, yeah, I would.

But I don't think I can fit another potato up my ass or something stupid like that. But I think that they then became on they were also like sex it was like racism anti-religion yeah homophobia and animal stuff um and you know i think they just they all kind of came out of that and then there was sort of probably like the formulas you know two priests and a rabbi. Then that becomes two gay, two gay guys, two straight guys and a gay guy. You know, it's probably not how they worded it back in the day, but I just think that it just kind of, you know,

two white guys and a black guy. It's probably, it's probably, the joke has to stem from if you work backwards, it has stemmed from someone reading a paper, someone asking someone something and he goes, Oh, you and he goes is that in the paper and then they laughed to each other and then that guy said all right the punch line is it's already in the papers that's the punch line and then they work it's like a script you have to know how it's going to end and then you got to know what you're writing towards. So and then all you

have to do is you just have to disguise it so they don't, they don't see it coming. But I just think the jokes got more and more sophisticated. And then over the years, with racism, homophobia, and all that stuff, being frowned upon by mainstream media, and you can get in trouble and all that type of stuff. I feel like racism and all that shit just went underground. I think it got a little bit better, but I don't think, you know, like, you know, when you see that shit, you know, all that horrible stuff in World War II, which essentially was a race war, both in the Pacific and in Europe, right? If you go, if you see that the shit that people were doing to people, like just, you can't believe that human beings could do that to other human beings.

And just watching now with how, just how hostile it is, you just like, we're not, it really didn't go away as much as it's sort of like a dormant volcano like it hasn't erupted like or or it's still an alive volcano just hasn't erupted in 80 years it's really uh nor mcdonald was good at jokes like that and actually by me saying that is bad because i say it hasn't it hasn't erupted in 80 years because I'm just counting white people doing shit to other white people when I'm sure people in the Middle East to be like oh no that thing's uh that thing's burning pretty good there buddy yeah Hotel Rwanda yeah yeah that's uh I love good street jokes I love good I I would I would probably

I wonder if- I got one. I got another one Jackie told me. I can never tell it right. I can never tell it funny. What is it? I can't do, I never do it right. All right. Guy goes into a job interview. The interviewer says, in the interview, he goes, so tell me, he goes, what would you say is your biggest weakness? Guy's like, my biggest weakness? Oh, geez. I don't know. I guess I have to say it's my honesty. The guy goes, your honesty? Well, I don't think you're being honest. It's going to be a problem around here.

The guy goes, hey, buddy, I don't give a fuck what you think. He does it so much better. He does it so, because when he does it, he yells it. He goes, hey, buddy, I don't give a fuck what you think. I don't know. I suck at telling. It's hilarious. He does it so, because when he does it, he yells at it. He goes, hey, I don't give a fuck what you think. Yeah.

I don't know. I suck at telling, it's hilarious. I'm a comedian, but I'm not good at telling street jokes. Yeah, it's weird that street jokes

kind of just aren't, I would love to, I wonder who the comic was that shifted, because Buddy Hackett was a street joke guy, right? Vaudeville.

Oh my God, that guy was a, he had a black belt in telling street jokes. He was unbelievable. That was the whole thing where people used to try to go to the Tonight Show and you'd pray that he was the guest because it wasn't even what he – it was when they went to commercial. He would just start telling street jokes, all of that stuff. I guess he told that aristocrat joke, which, you know,

they always act like that's the joke comedians telling Green Room. I had never heard of that joke until the documentary came out. But when they used to go to commercial, if you see any, you know, people watching this, you should know who Buddy Hackett is. But look up Buddy Hackett, Johnny Carson commercial break. And at the very least, you'll find a clip of them coming back and Johnny Carson like crying, laughing, the band going nuts, the crowd going crazy.

And you would start laughing just thinking about what you missed. Yeah. But, you know, going back to that joke, you know, I don't give a fuck what you think, is basically like that's one of those things where you, how you have, you know, if that's somewhere that came along, hey, be honest with me, hey, go fuck yourself. And then you think, oh, that's like a good joke.

So somebody says, be honest. And so you have sort of that, like, I don't know, like, like the building blocks of that. And then you just have to have the misdirection right before the punch and then the whole setup. Buddy Hackett was on Jay Moore's action TV show. And Barry Katz was the manager. Yeah, Peter Dragon. That was a great show.

When Barry said, hey, man, why don't you come down to the set and uh you know you can see them taping as i just moved to l.a and i was with uh four girls one of them was not attractive and she was she was like i think she was probably a lesbian lesbian but she had a short haircut, a little overweight, not the most attractive, but three other girls, right? And this girl. So we come in, Buddy Hackett's drinking out of his flask, and he says, oh.

She's straight and fat and just not good at taking care of herself. Whatever. I'm just trying to cover your ass here. Okay, go ahead. I'm just telling you, I don't remember. She was friends of someone's friend. All right. And so Buddy Hack is sipping on a flask, and he looks at that girl,

and he says, hey, Buddy, all these girls here with you? And she goes, I'm a girl. And he goes, oh. And then he looks at me, and he goes, are you a chick too? Oh, he had, oh. And then he looks at me and he goes, are you a chick, too? Oh, he had the tag. Wow. And I had a fucking goatee, and I was like, no, I'm a man. And he goes, huh. I was fucking, okay.

And he just kept talking. It was... But he did all of that for the joke. He did it all probably... All for the joke he did it all all probably for the joke so he probably thought you didn't get it yeah oh i was crying laughing he he was i met him a couple times he was really funny shit you you met him wow do you ever see uh it's a mad mad mad mad world yeah i watched that once a year because it's so good. I don't want to,

I don't want to just, I don't want to just burn it out. I absolutely, he is so fucking great. Everybody, the level of comedy, who's that fucking guy who's in it?

He actually died young when he's like, oh, I'm gonna, oh, I'm gonna, oh, I'm gonna. He's screaming as he's driving the car. I'm gonna kick the shit out of it.

He's so fucking funny. That movie's so funny, keith robinson likes it even keith robinson likes it um what was the joke buddy hackett had about guy says guy's shooting a duck shoots a duck and it lands on his farmer's yard goes up and the farmer's got a shotgun out he goes guy goes that's my duck and the farmer says it's on it's in my yard and so it's my duck and he goes no it's my duck and he goes all right farmer says how about this we'll kick each other in the dick until the someone taps out and that's how we'll decide whose duck it is. And the guy goes, oh, it's your duck. I fucking butchered that.

I know. It's like we're comedians. I butchered every one. You know what it is? I can't remember them. Yeah. I can't remember how they go. I would love to have, like, they have to have jokes. I got one.

I remember one. Yeah. All right. A guy goes down to the bus stop and he sees this woman. She looks like she's really far along, right? It's really poking out and everything.

So he comes up. He goes, hey. He goes, so when's it due? And she goes, I'm not pregnant you asshole and he goes because i wasn't talking about you i was talking about the bus you fat cunt have have i told you the norm mcdonald joke what's his face told me ben bailey told me that one he of course tells so i want to tell everybody who told it to me and tells it better. Ben Bailey.

I can hear Ben Bailey telling that good. Ben Bailey tells a great street. DC Benny tells great street jokes. Both of those guys tell great street jokes. I'm sure I did. Did I ever tell you Norm MacDonald's joke the the professor of logic this is my this is my favorite joke this is my this might be my favorite joke and i've told this other places i'm gonna clean it up a little bit because i've i don't want to make norm sound bad but uh norm is in his uh

in his apartment building or whatever. He meets his neighbor. He meets a new neighbor, right? And the new neighbor says, hey, Norm, how you doing? He said, good. Norm says, welcome to the neighborhood. The guy goes, oh, thanks. Norm says, what do you do?

He says, Norm, I'm a professor of logic down at the university. Oh, I know this joke. Go ahead. Go ahead. Tell it. I love this joke. I love this joke. And he goes, Norm goes, professor of logic down at the university. I know this joke. Go ahead. Tell it. I love this joke. I love this joke. And he goes, Professor of logic, what do you do? And he goes, well, Norm, it's kind of hard for me

to explain it. It's a little easier for me to show. And he goes, alright. And he goes, Norm, do you have a dog house? And he goes, I do. And he goes, and logically I can assume you have a dog? And he goes, I do. And he goes, and if you have a dog, I'm logically guessing you probably got kids. And and he goes I do and he goes and if you have a dog I'm logically guessing you probably got kids he goes I do have kids a son he goes and if you have a son

then logically I can assume that you're married and he goes yes and he goes then logically I can base assume that if you have a dog house you're a straight white male and Norm goes I am and he goes that's what I do Norm Norm. And he goes, interesting. So Norm goes down to the bus stop and sees another neighbor. And he says, hey, Norm, how you doing? He goes, good. He goes, you meet our new neighbor? He goes, I did. He goes, what's he do? Norm says, he's a professor of logic down at the university. I goes, what's that? Norm says, well, it's easier if I just show you what it is and if I explain it to you. And he goes, okay. Friend, do you have a dog house?' He goes, "'I don't.'"

Norm goes, "'Well, then you're a homosexual.'" -" Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha." Oh. I just love how long that setup is. I love it. Yeah, right? He gets a little laugh when he goes, "'Well, it's easy for me to show you than it is to tell you.'" He gets a little laugh when he goes, well, it's easy for me to show you

than it is to tell you. He gets a laugh for the little call back there, but just... Now, he's... Norm Macdonald is so brutally underrated still. All right.

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Let me see. I got to go down to this. Oh, wow. Look at this. You open it up. Really nice. Wait a minute. Okay, let's see the unboxing.

The kids love an unboxing. And then you've got work and play. Am I still reading here, Bert? All right. Do you wear Old Spice and girls think you smell like their dads? You're going to meet the wrong kind of woman if she's attracted to that. I was, and when I got to ninth grade, Sean Hooker and Kamen Lazera turned me on to cologne for the first time. And I think it's when you first started getting into chicks.

And my first colognes were Decor Noir and Obsession. And then I just am not a cologne guy because you go into the grocery, you go into the, into the like Macy's, you go to the cologne and you just go into the grocery you go into the into the like Macy's you go to the clone and you just get overwhelmed and you got to trust that the person that's helping you is the type of guy you want to smell like or the type of woman that is helping you likes that type of guy I it's so confusing that's why Hawthorne's great I went online I took their survey it was very easy it asked me I was almost like taking a personality test a little bit I just love that somebody with the last name hooker taught you about cologne yeah and they sent me this amazing box of cologne right based on my personality based on me and i've got work and

play two different flavors one's for you know i'm gonna go to the store a little work come home a little play you know what i mean you to the store, a little work, come home, a little play. You know what I mean, Bill? You put on your little high karate in there with your Jeep Grand Wagoneer. I love, they've also got deodorant. They've got deodorants, body wash, face cleanser. They've got lotion. It's awesome. It's so easy. You just go to hawthorne.com and you can hawthorne.co, hawthorne.co, and you can take thene.co hawthorne.co and you can take the survey for your yourself totally risk-free free shipping free returns and and and if you don't like it check out hawthorne at hawthorne.co that's hawthorne with an e h a w tR-N-E.co and use our promo code Bill Burt and you get 10% off your purchase.

It is 10% off your first purchase. Super easy. Go to Hawthorne, H-A-W-T-H-O-R-N-E.co and use our code Bill Burt and you get 10% off your first purchase and you're going to get a box of stuff that is catered to you just like I did. every comic knows he's one of the best who's ever done it yeah ever he held court he held court one night right before the trump election he held court in the back of the comedy store with i want to i want to say rogan's everyone's in there I mean everyone was in there and he I mean it was the hardest we had ever I've ever laughed and it was just it was you know he does things I really think he does things to like troll you sometimes you know like like I think he pulled out a cigarette and Joe's like Norm you smoke he goes no I've never tried i'm gonna try

it though lights it and he just and even like adam's like he doesn't smoke but he's it's like he's doing it you know someone said um someone said about me they're like you know you're really silly or leanne was saying burt if you go somewhere with burt he's gonna try to find something to make you laugh it's like the real comic spirit is like Norm Macdonald who everything is a joke everything is a joke yeah like to the point where like when he made his apology on The View he was eating mints do you remember that oh I didn't know he was eating mints and you're just like like, it's just such a – I could watch – I really would pay my premium –

I would pay whatever they pay on Netflix to just have a Nest Cam and watch him in his house interact. You follow him on Twitter, he live tweets golf. I mean, everything is just him trolling people. Really trolling people. Like Colin does that. Colin trolls people on Twitter. Oh, Colin's had some of the great ones.

I love when he did the thing about, he said some huge band. He goes, you know, he said something like, Led Zeppelin's such a great band. You know, it's a shame they never had any hits. And then like a thousand people are like, what are you talking about? This is back when people would fall for that stuff. But yeah, you know, after a while, you got to get a little more,

disguise it a little more. But like, he was one of my, like early on, Colin Quinn and Norm Macdonald were two of my favorite people on Twitter as far as like, they instantly were just like, this is the stupidest,

most ridiculous way of communicating with people. You want to hear a good Colin Quinn? It was sort of the anti-virtue signalers or whatever you call them. This is my favorite Colin Quinn story. And by the way, I barely know Colin. I've hung out with him a couple of times, but before I first-

I've known Colin for 20 years and I barely know him. So don't worry about it we're doing we're doing trip flip my travel channel show and we're in new york and one of the the kid there said i've always wanted to do stand-up comedy and we were like okay well as opposed to me writing him an act we i had the brilliant idea that I'll give him an IFB, right? And I'll have Colin Quinn tell him jokes on stage. So Colin will tell him the joke and then he'll say the joke. And so we're like, this is going to work perfect.

Colin's in, I'm in, we're all there. And we said, we should probably test out the IFB and see if it works. And we're like, okay, yeah, let's do like a dry run. So me and the kid go in the hallway at Gotham, and Colin is in the green room at Gotham, and he's got the microphone into the kid's ear. So Colin says, all right, say, I'm the audience. The kid's doing stand-up.

So the kid's got the microphone, and he goes, Colin goes, all right, say, how's everyone doing tonight? And he goes, how's everyone doing tonight? It's just me and tonight it's just me and him he goes now look at burt and go wow i guess we got a bunch of pro fail pro x failed wrestlers in the audience what's up with this guy and he starts making fun of me but the kids hearing colin make fun of me and he's crying laughing he can't repeat anything because colin's destroying and colin's not stopping because he doesn't know the kid's laughing so he's just tearing me apart and the kid's like go back to the first one go back to the first one colin comes out and he goes that

worked good and i go it didn't work at all the kid couldn't talk because you had him laughing so hard. That's awesome. Oh, yeah. Colin's a fucking – man, it's so funny. I remember Tough Crowd as – it reminds me of me spending time with Georgia when she was a baby because I would get on the road. I would DVR all of Chappelle's show and all of Tough Crowd. So I would have Thursday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, locked and loaded for Monday morning, or Tuesday morning when I was home with Georgia, or Monday morning.

And I would sit with Georgia. I'd put her, like, you ever put your baby in your lap like this? Like, you cross your legs and the baby's butt goes right here and their head's right here? I've never tried that. I'm more lay down on the couch, knees up, and I just let him sit on my legs like a recliner. Okay, that's smart. Yeah, I did that one too.

No, I'm going to try it your way. Oh, yeah, it's great. You stepped out the hip too. And then I'd have a cup of coffee and I'd watch Tough Crowd. And I would cry. I remember one time laughing so hard. And I can tell you the joke it was because Georgia fell asleep in my lap. I can tell you the joke it was because Georgia fell asleep in my lap and so that I couldn't laugh out loud and the laugh made me start because I didn't want to wake her up I couldn't stop laughing and it was Bobby Kelly saying to Colin says yeah something about Bobby being a Puerto Rican and Bobby goes I'm not Puerto Rican Colin Colin he goes I don't know you should really check the mirrors in your house and Colin and Bobby goes Colin goes colin i'm irish my name's bobby kelly and colin goes

yeah you and shaquille o'neal was they had bobby sitting on like a timeout chair or something and uh and i was doubled over. Yeah, there was some great ones on there. There was when Patrice and Ralphie May were on. Oh. And Patrice was teasing Ralphie for being fat, which is just ridiculous in itself. That was great.

The classic Giraldo. It sucks, man. i just named three people and they're all gone now um nick de paulo was amazing on that show nick de paulo norton i mean those guys were on it almost like every day so like the level of like you know writing and all of that stuff well patrice used to wing it i used i used to give him shit. Go, dude, I'm literally seeing you looking at your notes on TV. He goes, no, I'm not. He had one dude who was fucking hilarious. He was sitting there like, they cut to him and he was like this. He's looking.

It's like, dumb, dumb, you're on camera. Put it over the guy you're looking at's shoulder. That show was so good. I'm so glad I was never on it because it would have ruined the way because I was way too young. I wouldn't have deserved to be on it. I'd been doing, I mean, I hadn't earned that spot. And if someone had asked me, I would have done it in a heartbeat, but I'm so glad I didn't because I have nothing but like great memories. are you are you showing us all the these are the uh the episodes nick dipalo greg giraldo jim norton keith robinson uh there's one with giraldo norton sarah silverman jerry seinfeld t-shon shannon didn't he pass away i don't know i think he did t-shon shannon i remember that name

i don't quite remember him from houston him and his brother i think were comics and they they i think they wrote on snl t-shon shannon see this is what happens to me on the internet as i go and i'm thinking i want to look on top then i click on click on T. Sean Shannon and now I'm in a spiral on doing all the research on Houston Comics. There's a great show. Ross Bennett, Nick DiPaolo, Todd Glass, Rich Francesi.

I used to love Judy Gold was great on it. Paul Mooney, D.L. Hughley of course. Dude, he had everybody on. Jeff Foxworthy, Jamie Kenney, Pat Oswald. Todd Lynn, Patrice O'Neill, and Greg Giraldo. Hold on, stop scrolling. I think that entire show has passed away.

Where's that one? I don't know. I don't want to do that. That's depressing. Oh, my God. That's, yeah, three out of four. Andrew Maxwell, last one standing. Who's Andrew Maxwell? I don't know, but he's still yeah. Three out of four. Andrew Maxwell. Last one standing. Who's Andrew Maxwell?

I don't know, but he's still alive. So good for him. Oh, let me see. Click on him. Yeah. Click on him.

Is an Irish, Irish comedian and narrator known as narrating the MTV reality series X on the beach. Um, yeah, he's probably selling out probably. There's a lot of funny fucking people. Oh, yeah. Dave Chappelle, Nick DiPaolo,

Greg Fitzsimmons. Crazy. You know what that's like? You ever go back and you watch those clips from those rock shows in soul trains like some of the guests they had but with comedians you had them all in the same time like you want there's like i always watch old soul trains and old like midnight special um you ever

see you ever watch midnight special no it was something that was on in the 70s where you would be like uh came on at like, I guess midnight, obviously. Jesus, Bill. It'd come on at midnight and there'd be a musical guest. I don't know what the whole show was, but like, you know, there's like ones with like Aerosmith, you know, James Gang. All of those early 70s, mid 70s, you know, influenced by the Stones, sort of the fallout of all of that. Zeppelin and all of that deep purple it was amazing i mean zeppelin wasn't on i'm saying that they were influenced by those guys

yeah um i was so influenced by patrice but not never uh no part of my act is like his at all like nothing of what i do is like his i was his. I was so influenced by the way his – like, he had such a confidence in when the joke showed up, it was going to be worth it, that he would take his time with it. Yeah. I remember him saying – do you remember the Michael J. Fox joke he had? do you remember the Michael J. Fox joke he had? He goes, I saw Michael J. Fox on raising money for Parkinson's,

and he's up there with Muhammad Ali trying to outshake the champ. And everyone's applauding him, saying, that's so great that you raised all this money. He goes, once. He goes, I find it to just be some disingenuous shit. And everyone's like, what the fuck? I mean, it was like, he took so long to get there. And then he goes, I mean, I just want one person in the audience to go, Michael, I think it's great that

you raised their money for Parkinson's, but what about AIDS and cancer? Don't they deserve some money? And he goes, just once. I want to see Michael J. Fox go, yeah, see, the problem with AIDS and cancer is I don't got that shit. You see this shit? You see this shit right here?

This ain't AIDS, bitch. Oh. Yeah, I remember seeing him working that out in Caroline's in front of a half-filled room. Yeah, because he describes Parkinson's, and everybody loves Michael J. Fox and Muhammad Ali. So it was so brutally uncomfortable. But that was part of the setup. That was part of the misdirection. Yeah.

You guys want to scroll through the Bill Bird hashtag? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'll tell you what happened to me, Bill, is you got me into looking at cars. And I found, I think i sent it to you i found a website that did 1991 is the high is the height of the jeep wagon the grand wagoneer that's the car i want that's the car i love 1991 is your fluke your fluke commercial so you still got money look at that dude that's 30 fucking grand you can throw to that Wagoneer.

I want to live through you. Buy it. Buy it. So I start looking at them, and then I think, now I'm weighing it. I'm looking at Icon is what Joe has. Joe has the Icon Bronco. And that guy takes it and really upgrades it. These other places simply refurbish them and get them up and running

but it's all technology that's no no no airbags or anything and i start talking to my wife i'm like you know i want to get one of these she's like yeah but if you drive it like if that's your car and you get to a wreck you're fucking dead like that's why we stopped making those cars was the steering column went through your chest. Like, no, no, no.

That was, that was like in the 1950s. Yeah. And you, you basically the whole car went like an accordion. You squeezed out like toothpaste at the end of the tube. That's what happened back then. And then they just kept making more and more.

They, they've made them so safe. I learned this on that Seinfeld's Comedians in Cars. Because I was like, why can't they make them all unique designs? And he basically said, because they're creating in such a narrow corridor now of safety. That there's only so many different designs you can have. Because like when they redid the Lincoln Continental. To debut it.

When they showed it, it had the suicide doors again. And I was like, I want to get that car. That's fucking sick. It's going back to the one that they made from 60 to 67 or 68. And they never made it. I was like, when I asked the guy who built my truck why they didn't make it, he said it doesn't pass the safety. There's something about if it opens up like that, the middle of the car, the frame is compromised.

Where if you got T-boned or something, I don't know what, or something, you know, something bad would happen. So look, there's little things you can do. So what you should do then is do it's we talked about this the resto mod which is why i think kind of what joe did with the bronco so it looks like a late 60s early 70s bronco but underneath it's you know 2019 2020 whenever he got it yeah and so i'm i found a few people that are doing them i'm car carless right now. I can't. You're going to buy this thing, aren't you?

Please tell me you're going to buy it. Yeah, I'm buying it. I'm buying it. There's no car I want. There's nothing I want. You're right. Everything kind of looks alike. No, it all does.

I can't tell the difference between a Honda, a Toyota, and blah, blah, blah. Then you have the higher end, the BMW, the Mercedes Toyota and blah, blah, blah. And then you have the higher end, the BMW, the Mercedes and blah, blah. They have such iconic logos though on the car. So, you know, the Mercedes one is really prominent. But like a lot of them, when I look at them from the side, I can't tell.

It's like, is that a, you know, you gotta be like a total fiend for my, I think, you know, you got to be like a total fiend from, I think, you know, maybe cause I'm not in my twenties, teens and twenties where you got all that time to sit there and look at them. But like a lot of the shit does look alike. The Hyundai Genesis,

I think is an amazing fucking car. It looks exactly like the Mercedes. It's nicer inside, but like, so why would you buy the Mercedes when you get a Hyundai Genesis? And then someone's like, well, you're driving a fucking Hyundai. And I'm like, yeah, but like, so why would you buy the Mercedes when you get a Hyundai Genesis? And then someone's like, well, you're driving a fucking Hyundai. And I'm like, yeah, but I don't know.

All the SUVs look alike. All the midsize SUVs. All the sedans look alike. That's why the Bronco's exciting, the new Bronco coming back, because it just looks different. Yeah. I don't know why they don't do more of that shit. Like, start bringing back these old icons. They're going to do it.

They're going to do it because stuff like that always seems to sell how successful the Challenger is, the way they did it with the Mustang, then they did it with the Camaro. Cobra Kai is killing it. I downloaded all the Cobra Kai on my phone to watch on the flight last night and then fell asleep. Oh, you didn't watch it yet? I didn't. I just finished the Cobra Kai on my phone to watch on the flight last night and then fell asleep. Oh, you didn't watch it yet? I didn't.

I just finished the second season, so I heard there's a third – oh, we had Brett Ernst on. I brought it up on set and Rosario Dawson lost her shit. She's like, it is fucking amazing. And I was like, really? And I go, I was just talking to Bill about this. Snoop's like, I got to watch Cobra Kai. I mean, it's – I love when something goes like that.

Like, people start sharing cool shit like have you watched umbrella academy no oh my daughter got me into it i fucking love it and that's something just because of the name i'll be like that sounds like some nerd sci-fi shit joe's cousin wrote it in the crazy who's joe's rogan's yeah his cousin fucking wrote it it Isn't that crazy? Whose? Joe's. Rogan's? Yeah, his cousin fucking wrote it. That's a talented family. You know what is amazing? Is talented families.

Like, you look at Whitney Houston, Mother Sissy Houston, cousins Dionne Warwick, and you look at all the talented families. Snoop, his first cousins are Ray J Monica the singer like I mean she was she was Monisha back in the day. Moesha. Moesha. Moesha not Monisha. Isn't it Brandy? Brandy like is he's related to some really talented people. And then Joe's cousin is the lead singer of My Chemical Romance, writes.

I'll tell you the most talented family ever. Who? The Osmonds. No. Jackson. Who's talking about? There was more Osmonds than there were Jacksons. No.

Wasn't there? I don't know. Can you imagine being, can you imagine being, I do though. I do have tremendous respect for the Osmonds because they take a lot of shit because they were, they were really more clean cut milk toast kind of fucking thing.

But they have been like, I was, I wanted to see Donnie Marie's last show when they were out in Vegas. Like, I got to go see that. I would like to see Donnie Marie. Yeah. And find were out in Vegas. Like, I got to go see that. I would like to see Donny Marie. Yeah. Andrew, find out the most talented family.

They were at the Flamingo, which is the coolest place, I think. I'd be interested in the most talented family bloodline, meaning cousins. Like, the fact that Joe doesn't even know this cousin. He's like, yeah, I know we're related. I just don't know him. But he's a little easier on my- There's a lot, like the Wayans family.

Wayans? They like Dr. Dre was like, was it his cousin or his stepbrother? It was Warren G. No, that's Snoop. It was all like- Oh, yeah, yeah, Snoop. No, no, no. His stepbrother.

His stepbrother was Warren G. Was Warren G. It's crazy. I want to- I'll tell you what fucking freaks me out is like when you read up you look in the rolling stones and it's like yeah mick and keith went to school together it's just like what are the fucking odds of that like i get when a band is like all from the same city but like this did i mean i can't think of anyone off the top of my head, but there's like literally bands where, what was that band?

Incubus. Like I think they all went to the same high school. I remember one of the time they were talking about it, and I guess they got bullied a little bit when they were in high school. So they were all going like, yeah, hey, look at us now, blah, blah, blah, just fucking around. And I was just like, how crazy that is that like you know i could see one or two people maybe went to the same school but to find that level of talent

you usually have to scour all of southern california to find the right person the fact that the whole i might be wrong here but essentially three quarters of the whole band was like in your english class, your history class, the lead singer, the drummer sat over there, the bass player and fucking what else? Yeah. Whatever else they got in the band.

It used to bum me out when I found out Eddie Vedder wasn't from Seattle. Like it bummed me out that I was like, wait, he like, he grew up in San Diego or something and then like move there and join the band. I remember being like, so he's not like from Seattle. He's like from Los Angeles. Like that doesn't seem like he's and join the band. I remember being like, so he's not like from Seattle.

He's like from Los Angeles. Like that doesn't seem like he's grungy enough. He didn't have any flannels before he got there with that great San Diego weather. He didn't, because I remember thinking that the feeling of grunge was kids that were in their house because it was raining all day and that that was the energy of grunge was that, and then I was like, he serves i think it was really it was ridiculously as always marketed the whole seattle thing the whole seattle vibe that whole dress all of it was just marketed i remember uh

when that shit hit by like 94 you could go to the gap and buy what eddie vetter wore in like even flow you could get the flannel with like the distressed jean shorts and then the fucking combat boots yeah yeah i rock that look a lot bill i get it from j crew yeah i was always mall grunge i was more of a metal guy but even when i did like the metal thing like i i never dude if i had brown or black hair and my shit grew down rather than out i i would have had long hair and i would have i would have looked like a burnout but i just didn't have that so i would just go to these fucking concerts i mean and people be looking at like what is that fucking mathly doing here and i'll be like no like, what is that fucking mathlete doing here? And I would be like, no, no, no,

I'm doing worse in school than you guys are. My hair was born in the, I was born in the wrong decade. Like I should have been this age in the 70s. Then I would be out here with my fucking, my big orange afro going nuts here. Dude, I told you, did I tell you about the time? I hope this doesn't go to fucking bite me in the ass uh i uh by the way i told i had to tell snoop that i smoked his joint like a cigar

i was like he's gonna hear it and i told him i was like yeah man we were i was running my bit about smoking his joint by myself to him to make sure there was no like we were clean so uh what did he say he was like yeah you shouldn't smoke that whole thing by yourself he's like you got to take your time with it don't fucking be inhaling the whole thing yeah but you know what's funny about that dude is this whole thing comes full circle because we were talking about people that don't know how to smoke cigars. Yeah. And you're literally that guy with blunts. Literally that guy.

I was saying one time. Oh, man. This is a good story. But it's so. I'm just going to tell it. It's a good story. So I was in Madison. God, I'm not going to tell it. It's a bad idea. So I was in Madison. God, I'm not going to tell it.

It's a bad idea. It's a bad idea. It's a bad idea. I'm going to pull up those hashtags so you guys can go through. Yeah, pull up the hashtags. Let's do the hashtags, and we'll wrap it up here. Yeah, wrap it up and go see some football. Whoa, what's this?

This is from Kathleen Buckley. Now that I'm not married. So that's the new Tesla. How can somebody even sit in that thing? It just looks like your head would be crushed. But you know what, Bill? Bill, I'm a hypocrite because I look at a car and I go, I look at that Tesla and I go, what the fuck?

And then I'm sitting here going, how come no one's making new body lines? And Elon Musk is doing it, and here I am shitting on him. Dude, that's the Dukes of Hazzard. The 1969 Chall challenger I believe third day owning this beast there were tears but we stayed married and I got it done boys she's a keeper good for you Aaron if I wasn't married that's a what is that a hydroplane fan boat oh I'd love one of those oh oh now you got me now you got me this is exactly what i started doing i started looking at motorcycles fuck i started following a fat boy what is that

that is it looks like it looks like a fat boy low the guy's cool a lot of cool women out there the guy says i honestly get to do a lot of cool shit but uh i don't own one of these. What to get if you're not married. That's a 59 Cadillac. Four-door. That was the highest. I love the tail fins in the Cadillac gradually come down through the early 60s.

They gradually got higher through the 50s, and they peaked in 59. When I was married, there was none of this. Those are the V-Drums, the v drums maybe what is electronic drum kit yeah that's fucking cool as shit oh my god fucking put me on one of these this is a houseboat but it's a it's a cool almost like 50s style houseboat but very open with glass everywhere that is i would live in that fucking thing and solve mysteries by night. Ain't no taxes because you're on the water. Ain't no taxes.

Start a religion. Look at that. I'm not married, but okay, what do we got here? See, those are modern cars. Looks like a Mazda RX-7. That's what I was going to guess there. Is that an Acura? Yeah, it looks like it.

That's cool. And I like that this person likes those Eric Carrs. Dude, what are the Polaris slingshot? What is that thing classified as? I don't get how you don't have to wear a fucking helmet in that thing. You're just driving down the street. It looks like you could just leg sweep the back, and the guy would just roll down the hill.

Chab had one of those. Polaris makes snowmobiles and jet skis i think those things are cool as shit my buddy my buddy convinced me uh we were talking about we were talking about buying a boat and he was like what if we just got two badass jet skis right and and you could are you we could go out you can take it out you can take a jet ski out to Catalina. You can fish on it. You can dive off it like spearfish. You don't need a boat. And then there's this guy I follow, Brody. I think his name is Brody Moses in Australia.

And he has a boat too, but he is primarily on his jet ski. He just takes his jet ski everywhere. I'm like, fucking jet skis make sense. I wish we had a jet ski sponsor. I would love like a wave runner, like a big bodied wave runner. Hey, look at that. This is a nice Impala. That guy before, he said, if I wasn't divorced or something,

if I was still married, I wouldn't own this. Look at that. He's got the Challenger. What's that? Yellow jacket. Oh, that is a fucking hot. Man, what is it about cars cars i was watching this documentary on ryan dunn and they like when he started getting money he just started buying cars and like redoing

cars take i need a fucking motorcycle there's another harley fucking motorcycle well get out of la dude because i like doing this podcast with you i don don't want you to die. LA is a scary place to ride one. Oh, look at that. Oh, my God. I have a kit, but is that a DW? Look at that thing. That's like literally a Neil Peart. It probably has a double pedal on it. Oh, look at this guy.

I love a full-size Bronco. This guy is great. This guy's got everything. He's got the guitar, the Bronco the the bar that's a piano that looks like what is that is that a gibson les paul what is that that's a 79 bronco 78 or 79 bronco oh that's one of the uh what's one of those ones the gibson es i think yes yeah with the the f cuts hollow body what else has he got here click on to the other stuff that he wanted oh piano bar and then he's got up was that people liking the fat boy huh yeah dude harley just fuck it that's

a good looking bike i drove one just like that in it uh when i was in macon for the show i did i just had to drive it into set and then drive it like drive it around to film filmed it and man i punched it one time just to feel that and that energy when you fucking gun a bike like that the torque between just pulling you through space is fucking amazing yeah that's see that's a three i think that's a 335 that gibson um all right what does this guy have five was oh he's got a computer what is that it that? It's a van that he's living in. People are converting sprinters into livable. They're very unassuming.

They park them along the ocean a lot. You see them in Malibu a lot. That's exactly what you need, Bill. One of those. Put the whole family in. I would never get a trike. I would never get a trike. I like a trike.

A trike is like a life for a motorcycle guy and then he's just sort of retired and just like, cool, man. Okay, that's like a 78 Z28 and a CJ7. Great taste.

I like that person. If I wasn't married, the first thing I'm buying is a TV for the toilet. Oh, fuck that a fight simulator bill look at this no but you know what that is that's the fucking helicopter one and that's why it's so expensive because you got to have the whole wraparound thing send me that thing what is that how much is that doesn't say i'll look it up oh my god i just want to send that to my instructor fuck that is sick i'll send it to you after dude i'm not going i'm going the real with dude i'm i'm so addicted to flying now

that um all right here here's a question for you bill okay so that tree house is great oh look at that fender uh fender custom shot precision base yeah p base so the house man his wife can't let him have that how much do you think that is 1200 bucks all right here's the question maybe we're the house that we were we're moving into or the slow down one of you one one more guy let's look at that well go back up go back up to the guy with the wood fire the wood fire what was that one he goes if i wasn't married i i'd have somebody wood fire pizza oven you can't make wood you can't have wood fire pizza ovens in california anymore yeah well that makes sense i would on my patio and a motorcycle all right if i wasn't, I'd have a perfect credit score. Justin Wigdion.

Oh, poor guy. Read this story. Read this. This is a good one. My mom bought me this car brand new in 1969. No, my mom bought this car. She bought the car. What?

She bought the car for herself. Not for him. Oh, sorry. My mom bought this car brand new in didn't not for him oh oh sorry my mom bought this car brand new in 1969 sat in their garage my entire life wasn't allowed to keep it in my garage when i was married so it was sold one divorce later i tracked it down in canada bought it for way too much but it's mine good for you that is i drove that i drove a car like that convertible though just recently the high high beams, Bill, are on the floor.

What is it? A Dodge Dart? What is it? Duster? I don't know. Whoa, look at that. You're scrolling too fast. You're fucking killing me, Andrew. Sorry. I thought you guys were trying to wrap it up. Fucking humidor. Look at that thing. Woo!

Golly. What's my favorite cigar? Right now, my favorite cigar has been my favorite cigar for a while. It's the Aurora Sapphire. Comes in the blue tube. All right, what is this? If I got married, if I'm not married, oh, he owns like a thousand dirt bikes. God.

Looks like Chappelle's Garage. Right, Bill? Am I right, Bill? If I wasn't married, Bill Burt. Cocaine and hookers. married oh he owns like a thousand dirt bikes god looks like chapelle's garage right bill am i right bill i wasn't married bill burt cocaine and hookers my friend all right what else oh boy midgets escort escort gt somebody said a lot of people went by these oh, real life sex doll. Why don't you just walk up to a chick with big tits and a fat ass? Well, because then she won't like, you know, it'll be a rough time. She'll spend all your money. If I wasn't married,

I'd build my own wine cellar and never emerge. That's awesome. I really, I respect winos. If I wasn't married, so much dry ice. I don't even know what that means. Let's do a couple more and then we'll wrap it up.

Oh, is that the Ducati? What is that? Yeah, Ducati course. Look at the slicks on that thing. I don't even know what that means. That just looks cool. I love a Ducati. I'm a fucking lunatic, dude.

I love everything from Italian motorcycles to Harleys. I would have a Ducati, and I would have the Harley, what do they call it, the Custom. What's the one that's the road king with no bags? I would have that with the white wall tires. I could get into a deep dive on, on, uh, motorcycles. I love that Harley. That was, was called like the 72 or something. It had the metal fleck with the Fonzie front wheel. Pull it up, pull it up, Andrew. See if you can find the, the Harley 72 is a beautiful bike that in the 42.

42. I actually rode that one. It was a 48, wasn't it? 48, 48. Yeah, 48. Oh, that's a good, the fucking first one. Yeah, first one. With the paint. That is such a good looking bike.

I love the short tail on the back too, huh? Yeah, that is a good looking fucking bike. I got to admit, my age, I need more comfortable seat. Although that seat really looks cool on that bike. Oh, dude, I didn't tell you this shit. I was fucking, you know, my shoulder's been doing great. I guess you got three rotator cuffs. I fucked this one up in the back.

I was getting a COVID test because I was shooting something for this kid, Tyler Falbo. He's making this great show for all things comedy to be on Quibi. So I went there and I was in the valley to get this COVID test so I could go down and shoot. And I got in the car and all of a sudden I looked in the back and there was a guy behind me. I was in a parking lot. I think he rode in on his motorcycle, stopped short because I think this guy in the Porsche convertible had stopped short and he didn't get his foot down or it just got too far. And he just, the bike went down without thinking. I went out to help him pick it up and I fucked up my back again, the back one, but it's better now. I iced it and stuff.

But what I loved was the guy in the Porsche convertible never got out. And I still want to be like, that's how you got that car, buddy. Cause I looked at the back of his car, nothing happened. Nothing happened to his car. So he didn't hit it.

So I think that came in a little hot. Yeah. He got up on his front wheel, came down and then just went over. But, um, It came in a little hot. Yeah. We got up on his front wheel, came down and then just went over. But I actually respected that he didn't get out of the coast. It was so proud. I was in the valley in L.A. And there was a guy with shades on in a Porsche convertible looking back like that.

Like, you know, just looking back, no concern. His concern was I took the time to not drive away and look over my shoulder. And I'm out there like, trying to get this fucking thing back up again. It's a nice Honda. It looks like the Marc Marquez one, whatever style that is. All right. I have a question for you, and then we'll wrap this up. Okay.

All right. So we bought a house a while back, and we were going to redo it. We've been going back and forth, but we're going to redo it. We're kind of, we've been going back and forth, but we're redoing it now. We're redoing it. We have the opportunity. This house was built in like the fifties and it still has a diving board in the pool.

Keep it. Keep it. I don't get, you can't have a deep end anymore and you can't have a diving board. So if we keep the pool the way it is and redo it we can keep a 12 foot deep end with a diving board do you do it or do you get rid of it you absolutely keep it and who's going to know if you ever take the diving board out they they if you have a diving board you can keep a diving board

so you can't probably a reason why they pay people oh insurance i think is a fucking nightmare well there's uh there's a lot of like head and neck paralysis shit with that you got to really be careful but you know if you got a 12 foot deep end i mean that was a very responsible person all right you can have a diamond boy shave but it's going to be 12 feet deep this is my first cigar in a while well i had a couple down and All right, you can have a diamond board, Steve, but it's going to be 12 feet deep. This is my first cigar in a while. Well, I had a couple down in Macon. This has been good.

This is a good podcast, man. Yeah, I didn't have a problem with it until you just said that. No, we got to have – This is a good podcast, man. I was like, what, the other one's bad? No, this was – no, this – I – no, this is a good one. I want to talk – we got to get Mike Binder on. Oh, absolutely. Oh, absolutely.

Oh yeah. Cause the, the comedy store documentary is coming out. We definitely have to get him on. Look for him. The next bill Burt. We should have him on. We should have him on.

Talk about the podcast. I'll have another cigar. I'll have another cigar. I'm locked in. I'm not going anywhere. I'll have a million of them. All right, everybody.

Thank you so much for watching. This has been another wonderful episode of the bill. Burt. Pod. Cast. We'll see you later episode of The Bill. Bert. Pod. Cast. We'll see you later. Keep those things, those hashtags, if I wasn't married. Ladies, we want to hear from you, too.

What would you get? Thank you.