The Bill Bert Podcast - The Bill Bert Podcast | Episode 4

Episode Date: February 5, 2020

Bill and Bert prattle about strip clubs, finishing fights, and cleaning habits.

Welcome to another episode of The Bill. The Bill. There you go. What's going on? Are we going to be old men doing that? Yeah, we are. Cheers. Cheers. I got a little, what are we doing? I don't want to touch your food. Doing a little taste of the valley here, Bert, you know? How is that? It's a meatball sub. It's perfect. I'll tell you what. Quality of bread is so important. It is, isn't it? In a relationship.

You know? A bread in a relationship is laughter. Like, if you can laugh with your partner, that's the bread. A bread is the delivery system. I love when people get philosophical about just... Good bread... Like, bread, you're... I'll let you go.

Good bread can make or break a sandwich. Have you ever had one of those breads on the chibiatas? Is it chibiatas? All that thing that's... Chibatas, where it's hard as fuck, you bite in and everything squirts out the back? Terrible. Yeah. I had the best sandwich I ever had in my entire life.

It was in Vietnam. They made it at a street vendor. She had like a hot dog cart. And she would make it on a sterno and in like a bowl. She would do a fried egg. But the bread, it was, everything inside the sandwich was mediocre. The bread was so crisp. It was so fluffy.

Did you tell her that? I told her this is the best sandwich I've ever had in my entire life. I kept saying, this is the best thing I've ever put in my mouth. Like, this is the greatest thing I've ever had. And I would go out. We'd go to bars at night after we wrapped. Were you scaring her because she was so much bigger than her? I was following her around.

And I was like, hey, where are you going to be later? And she was like, didn't know English. And I'd have to get my TT, my translator, to be like, he needs to know where you're going to be. And I would clean her out. I'd say, start making sandwiches. I'll see you in an hour. And then I'd buy all the sandwiches., my translator, to be like, he needs to know where you're going to be. And I would clean her out. I'd say, start making sandwiches. I'll see you in an hour. And then I'd buy all the sandwiches. They were like 50 cents a sandwich.

I'd buy all the sandwiches and bring them back to the bar and just start handing out sandwiches. Is that why they're so in shape over there? They just buy one little 50-cent sandwich and then you come over as an American and spend like $12.50? Oh, everything over there is so clean. It's like, but it's the fucking bread, man. This is great bread. I just want to hear an American clean. It's like, but it's the fucking bread, man. This is great bread.

I just want to hear an American go somewhere and be like, you know what, that place fucking sucked compared to Albuquerque. That happens a lot. Hmm? That happens a lot. Travel with my daughters. Oh, they say that? They're like, why is the Burger King sandwich black?

Yeah, you can't go do American shit when you go over there. Oh, yeah. You going to Scandinavia? Mm-hmm. That's like the TGI Fridays is like the spot when I was there. It was like, it turns into like a nightclub at night. It was a completely different thing.

It's like Richmond, Virginia. Or it was just because they were so good looking that it looked like a nightclub to me. It was probably just the TGI Fridays, but they were all blond and blue eyed. I was like, look at them. We went to a strip club in Scandinavia, and I thought it'd be all just tall blonde hair blue eyes Same here. It's just Russian prostitutes Just oh, that's disappointing You know trash like the same exact same people that work at strip clubs here or strip clubs there is really a letdown

Did you start complaining? It's the same sex trafficker supply every strip club out here? Jesus Christ. How about switching it up every once in a while? If I see one more Russian woman

enslaved in the sex industry, I'm going to look. Sex trafficking is the same anywhere you go. It's always a Russian woman. And I'll tell you right now, I don't have any more euros for that. Right? Is that what you're saying? They don't have any mom and pop strip clubs.

Oh, yeah. They just had a lot of daughters. They just rolled with it. No. Is that what you mean? No. Like a strip club with like a thumbprint. You know?

Like where you go, like this sandwich. Where did you get this sandwich? Right down on the corner, this Italian place. And I was nervous when I walked in because there was nobody in there and they were playing Frank Sinatra music. And I was like, they're trying too hard. I mean, they already got the red and white, you know.

He doesn't something and she does this. She's got a big twat that I'm going to kiss since the 1940s. I'll leave her on the side of the road. I can still hit her. She talks back. Yeah. And I was just going, this is a, I wasn't even going to join in on the misogyny. Yeah.

And I thought, I don't know about this, but I got four stars on the food. What do you guys, what do you got, Yelp? I love Yelp. I could tell, your voice went down there. Oh, I love Yelp, let me tell you. Oh, that fucking Yelp, oh, there you are, you fucking whore. I used to take pride in my Yelp reviews.

I would write reviews for sandwiches I had, like really lengthy ones, like a thousand words. Can I see those please? I swear to God. And then you just wing it on stage? I don't work on my act, but let me tell you something. I get a sandwich in Vietnam, I'm giving you a thousand fucking words.

If you find... I got arrested for stalking in Vietnam. That's how good that 50-cent sandwich was. It's got to be Bert Kreischer or Bert Kay. There's a picture of me. There's a... I'll tell you, one of them that I just remember pretty aggressively was a bacon, egg, and...

No, it was a BLT and I think Traverse, Michigan It was one of the best still think about that. Find that and I want to read it. I still think about that fucking BLT She put an egg on it for me She goes and I wasn't on the menu the egg, but she came out and she goes I looked at you I figured you'd want an egg and I went oh woman. You know me better than my wife. That's pretty amazing. Oh I looked at you and I knew you want an egg. And I went, oh, woman, you know me better than my wife. That's pretty amazing. I looked at you and I knew you wanted an egg. I don't understand how people who live on the coast don't see how awesome the states are in between,

the way they call them flyover. Oh, yeah. Dude, I was in the middle of Mississippi. I got this sandwich called the Boxcar Willie. I was full for like three days. The Boxcar Willie? I swear to God. Well, first of all, I looked up.

I was in Mississippi, so we were on our way down to New Orleans. We were going to the LSU Clemson game, the championship game. Not to brag, but I was there. And so I just looked up soul food or something I figured you know Mississippi it's the south right they still don't interact with black people so I figured it would be the pure soul food down there and this thing was advertised as soul food and it wasn't it was all white people it was more just like um like home cooking you want some gravy on that it was like that shit.

And it was the middle of the day and the lady was a sweetheart. She's like, she's like, what would y'all like to drink? I was like, I'd like a root beer. She go,

wait, we don't have root beer. We got Dr. Pepper. And I love that because like Dr. Pepper and root beer are two completely different things. So I was trying to think like,

what is the overlap? And it was, it's a weird soda order. That's what that is. It's a brown zesty thing. Like, I can make the connection between Dr. Pepper and root beer. Can you write a thousand words on it? Probably.

It's a brown zesty thing. Dr. Pepper... Isn't that what you wanted to see in that strip club when you went in there in Scandinavia? What's with the blonde, blue-eyed, I'd like to see a brown strip club when you went in there in Scandinavia? What's with the blonde, blue eyed? I'd like to see a brown zesty thing. I wanted it to not be- Jesus Christ you fucking wolfed that down.

I can't help it man, I was so hungry. I look at you barefoot like you're fucking Jesus or something. Trucker Jesus over here. I wanted an authentic strip club experience. Everyone's cool with holding onto the mom and pop restaurants and markets and whatnot. When it comes to strip clubs, they were the first card that fell where they were like, just globalize them. Just make them all the fucking same. Go to Target.

How many of you, where else have you been to strip clubs? A lot of fucking strip clubs. Fuck that. You went to Vietnam strip club and there was a bunch of Russian chicks in there? No, I didn't go to Vietnam strip club. You're too busy eating. I've been to a Russian strip club. Too busy stalking that sandwich lady. But strip clubs around the country are the same.

Like, you don't go to a strip club in, like, Omaha, and it's just a bunch of corn-fed country girls, like, well, shucks. You know? Like, you don't get that anymore. Right. Well, shucks. Oh, shucks.

Oh, you don't take your pecker out? Looks like an ear of corn. Now, when you went to Russia, and you went to a titty bar there, were there a bunch of moms in the crowd crying? No. That place was aggressive. That place and South Africa are the two places where I was like,

when I went to the strip club in Russia, the girl said, when you walked in, do you want no touch or full touch? And I was like, who the fuck? No touch. I go, who the fuck gets no touch?

I do. Get the fuck away from me. I didn't know. Get filthy fucking hands. I didn't know. You filthy fucking hands. I didn't know that she was touching me. I thought she meant if I could touch her, like touch her tits. Oh, I immediately took it as that. I looked at her the other way.

She went in and just started to grab my dick. I go, no touch, no touch. I don't want you touching me. I remember one time I went to a titty bar in Tijuana? One of the worst things I ever did as an American. Let me go down to this country that we're suppressing. And then I went in there, right? In a titty club in Tijuana?

So this lady came. It was so fucking shady. This is such a gross story, but I already started it. So there was all these guys. I just thought it was a titty bar, right? But there was like full-on touching. And there was these guys who were sitting up in the front, and the girl put her tits, and the guys would like motorboat her and stuff.

And she pulled back, and there was glistening of the last guy's, like, saliva on it. And I'm just like, what the fuck? And then this lady came up, the senorita, came up to me and she asked me if I wanted a lap dance. I just felt everyone was looking at me. I didn't want to cause any waves. So just like, yeah, see, see, like go there. The fucking song started, right? And she just took my hand and started moving it towards her fucking cavernous vagina. And I just went like, no, no, no. I have a girlfriend. I have a girlfriend. And she just took my hand and started moving it towards her fucking cavernous vagina. And I just went like, no, no, no.

I have a girlfriend. I have a girlfriend. And she died laughing and was like to her friend, girlfriend. And they laughed at me. I was like, I want to get the fuck out of here. That was one of the worst things. I just I was there for about two hours. We drove down to see it. I can't even remember remember we drove. I think we parked we walked across the border

We went there you saw everybody looking at you like fuck you you fucking American piece of shit And you just felt like it was it was like Bourbon Street times like a million where I went over on Bourbon Street at night I always feel like If I'm cool on this street, if I make a left or a right off one of these side streets, you will never see me again. That is Bourbon Street. Yeah. Dude, strip clubs were such a part of being a Floridian because Florida strip clubs were so intense.

Can you say Floridian again? Floridian. I'm supposed to do this because it's Valentine's. I love that part. We were full-blooded tampons. And so there's a Catholic holiday that we would celebrate. And what it meant was you had a half-day Friday. All you had to do was go to Mass.

I went to an almost Catholic high school. So Thursday night, everyone went to the strip clubs. There was a strip club on Kennedy. I can't remember the name of it. What, you could go to a strip club in high school? Oh, yeah. Well, you'd go to... What's the age limit? It had to be 18. But if you went to Kinko's, you could get ID cards and just fill it out and they'd put whatever name, age you wanted on there. So we all put 21. And then I was smart. I put 18 so that I could just get in. So I was also 18 in senior year. So we go to a strip club on Kennedy

and one of my buddies, stripper's on stage, one of my buddies, everyone's like giving her money and she opens her legs and she's like, come on. And he's like, what? He's like, come on.

And he goes in and he starts eating. No. Oh, my God. And we're just like, we're brand new to strip clubs. That's like going into a bathroom and licking the faucet handle. And? Oh, my God. She backs away.

I'm not done eating yet. She backs away. And he starts going, she let me eat her pussy. She let me eat her pussy. It's all gone to the bar. The song's changed, and he just goes, she lets everyone eat her pussy. Oh, my God, dude. And we were crying, laughing.

And this poor guy's like, everyone eats your pussy. We're like, God, what the fuck? You think she's all special in you? Dude, you can do that in Florida? Oh, dude, this was 1989. Oh, all right, yeah. This is a different fucking world. Yeah, no cell phones.

We're just constantly under surveillance. My wife was watching an episode of Sex and the City last night. Every other joke, I'm like, couldn't do that today. I'm like, this is Sex and the City. This is one of the lamest shows dude was that whole writing staff like gay guys over the age of 60 everything was just like ah yes honey every fucking joke and then the one who delivers all their jokes like groucho marks and then you got the chick yeah i jump on that cock it's like every other fucking line she says. That TV show fucked me up with women because I believed all women were whores after watching that.

I just know everybody's going to use that as a soundbite. What? Me going, I jump on that cock. I jump on that cock. That's a meme. That's my catchphrase. That's the part of the internet I love. Where they grab something?

The immaturity of it is my favorite fucking thing ever. I don't like people being straight up mean, but if you're going to be silly and immature, I'm on board. It's a good fucking meatball sub. It's a great meatball sub. That was worth at least 1,100 words, wouldn't you say? I thought you were going to say calories

did you find my Yelp review no it's just reviews for your act here oh whoa do not read those

I want to read those no no no no I do not no I don't want to hear any reviews on my act dude can I tell you what I was thinking about on the treadmill

today stand up comedies got so big they're doing what they did today to sports. When you look at sports...

Say that again. I wasn't listening. Stand-up... I'm a comedian. Stand-up comedy has gotten so big that now it has become what they do to sports. You've got guys like Max Kellerman and Stephen A. Smith who aren't technically athletes commenting on sports. And now you've got people commenting on stand-up comedy. They are not athletes.

Right, they're not. They could be athletic. They're broadcasters. They're broadcasters. Don't get it confused. But now they've got people commenting on Ricky Gervais. Like the big one was someone commented on Michael Che, and he's like a comedy critic. On a sports show? I don't know.

I barely read it. I think he's commenting on SNL. But they're commenting on comedy the way that... I know that you're not supposed to love critics, but I thought it was cool that comedy's so big that people have a job where they just comment. Their job is to write articles about comedy.

That's a whole thing that is a job. Isn't that crazy? You know that people wrote articles on your special, Paper Tiger. You know people... Paper Lion? You know that people wrote articles on your special, Paper Tiger. You know people, Paper Lion, you know that people got paid to do what? It was Paper Tiger? I like Paper Lion better. Paper Lion was the name of the book, right? I don't know, but I love Paper Lion. Isn't that crazy? Wait a minute. Paper Lion.

I think that's going to be the part two. Dude, you are my favorite comedian. I love Paper Lion. Thank you. Let's see if I can log into my... I wonder if I should probably set it up with my Facebook. But isn't that crazy that today I'm watching SportsCenter or whatever Stephen A. Smith's and Max Kellerman's show is, and I'm like, I wonder if Stephen A. Smith ever played sports.

Like, he can't box. Did you see his boxing video? Who? Stephen A. Smith. I thought Max Kellerman was the boxing guy. No, he's part of the team. You didn't see Stephen A. Smith's boxing video? Where would I see that?

It went viral. Why did he do that? Because he's not an athlete, and it just looks ridiculous. Did he do it to be funny? No. Dude, what fucking people, other than, like, you see Kevin Hart does boxing videos, and you're like, what are you, like, that's such a weird skill to show off. Like, I could fuck show off. Like,

I could fuck you up. Like, I could fuck you up. You know what I mean? He says that? No, but that's like, that's what that is portraying.

When you're a comedian or a commentator and you're like, hey guys, I want everyone to see me box. Like, it's such a weird. I don't think people should see you

do your hobby unless you're being silly about it. Yeah, they take it like, I gotta show you Steve Lampson. I've seen it. Yeah. They take it like, I got to show you. Okay, I'm seeing it now. Like, clearly, he's like, it looks like Urkel's trying to box. He looks horrible. He's not that bad.

What's this punch? The second one? I wouldn't want to take it. What's the first one where he's punching into the ground? It should be the other way. After he gives you that hook and then you're on the ground, then he hits you when you're on one knee because there's no ref. But, like, it's such a weird thing to say cuz you like

What he should have been on an exercise bike and said hey guys. I'm trying to look better in a suit. Yeah What it's so weird cuz you know he said hey man Will you film me boxing so I can put it online so it like I can show everyone like it's such a weird There's no way he looked at that I think somebody took that and then posted it because they had a celebrity that was working out. They didn't understand what was going to happen and then they embarrassed the man. Did he post it? He posted it himself, I think. No one stole the footage.

It's not found footage. Isn't it a weird thing, though? No, what is weird is how... What's amazing about Stephen A. Smith is how upset he can get about sports day after day after day. One of the best things you'll ever do is hit the mute button and watch Stephen A. Smith. how upset he can get about sports day after day after day. It's one of my, one of the best things you'll ever do is hit the mute button and watch Stephen A. Smith.

It's one of the greatest things ever. The emotional range. It wasn't him. It wasn't him. Oh, well, sorry. Told you. Told you. Look at that.

See, you're giving Stephen A. Smith a rough time. So you guys are probably wondering, hey, you know, this is the first time we've done a podcast, but we haven't just been smoking cigars from the jump. I'm taking a little cigar sabbatical. How many sabbaticals are you on right now? Oh, dude, it's the worst. I'm off internet porn. I had one relapse. I watched one porno this month to the point I can remember it. I watched one porno this month to the point I can remember it. Tell me about it. Tell me about it.

Tell me about it. It was pedestrian. It was just like a one person, a POV one. It was just kind of cool because the guy isn't even in it. It's just a chick. Although his dick's in it. But then you're thinking, well, maybe that's my dick, right? It was one of those.

Where's the Oculus glasses then? I was on the road, so. No, but you know what? I have those at home, though. I, but, you know, Oculus is. I have those at home, though. I have them hanging, like, right in the kitchen. I just, I don't, I'm kidding. No, I don't do that. So, you like the POV porn? Not really.

I just, it was just, I liked her. She looked good. Wait, would your wife get upset if she saw you looking at, like, Asian chick porn? No. What if it was white chick porn? No. So you can, like, float all the boundaries. She understands that porno is not a real person.

No. I think my wife, if it was, like, Asian chicks, my wife would be like, what's up with that? Like, she'd want me to be looking at porn that looks like her. She's a white supremacist porn person yeah they really did own slaves the callback bam that's how it works people the uh that'll buy another 20 minutes with the crowd i kind of need i need to get into a type of chick like i need to look for a type of chick. Like, I can't just pop on and just be like... I gotta be... I gotta, like, kind of

do a little research in my head and go, I'm looking for something. Does that make sense? No, I get that. And then when I find something... What that is, is you're an experienced watcher of porn. At first, it was any woman. Yeah. Anything that came on, you were like, oh my god. Oh. They're're banging this is amazing

first thing of pornography you ever saw i was over a buddy's house and he had one on vhs and i swear i swear to god it was one of those hairy puby 80s ones yeah and i swear to god the guy was working in a restaurant and and this woman asked for a chicken sandwich with mayonnaise, and she had pissed him off and was rude, and he literally had his dick in, like, a whole chicken. So it was kind of bestiality, but the chicken was dead, so I don't know where that is. And then he just told her fucking thing, and then she ate it.

It was when they used to try to make pornos funny, rather than just being like, why don't we just do what we do? I swear to God that was that. So I remember I was like, yeah. So I kind of went from zero, having never seen a porn. A guy fucking a chicken. A cooked chicken, though. It wasn't as bad.

It would be worse if it was a live chicken. But it was like a comedy bit. It's funny. I don't remember. I know that there was like banging in it because it was a porno but I I that was something that I was just like I I was like what the fuck and we're all sitting there like I mean I don't know I don't know if any anybody else had ever seen a porno I didn't know what the fuck it was and then I also remember there was this thing in the 80s where

guys thought it was cool if they had a party and then you just had porno on in the background it was so fucking i just remember all the chicks would be like and the guy all this shit was going on i was even like uncomfortable because it'd be like that chick that you actually liked like would be there and you're talking to her and like over his shoulder and it was just like you know all you all that was missing was like the giant like the bowl with the cocaine and the spoon in there like I think that like yeah look we were young we didn't know what we were doing did you ever go into a when you I only say when you lived in New York because that was the first time I ever

did it but did you ever go into a porn shop and buy a porno for your personal use? Like a VHS. Yeah. But it took me forever to be able to get the nerve to do it. Oh, my God. Oh, and I'm not even going to tell you, too. But there was a fucking comedian who told me. Because we were doing this sort of improv thing at the end of the comedy show.

Yeah. And they brought up porn. And they were talking about buying a porno.. I was just like, you know, I've never, like, no, rented. Oh, I rented. Rented. I didn't buy. I just bought it. I just bought it. I don't, I mean, we're going back like 25 years. We're talking VCRs. I can tell

you the porn store I bought it at. I think you're dying to tell me, so let's hear it. You know the West 4th exit when you go to the Boston Comedy Club in the cellar from Uptown? And you'd walk out. There's a pizza place right to your right. When you'd walk up the stairs.

And there's a movie theater? No, there's a pizza place right to your right. And there was a porn shop. Are you on the west side of 6th Avenue? Not the basketball court. The west side. No, the west side of 6th Avenue. 6th Avenue, right.

There was a pizza place and a porn shop right there. That was the porn shop I went to. I went to that a porn shop right there. That was the porn shop I went to. I went to that fucking porn shop. I walked in and I had to be like, hey, like, oh, I'm cool. And I was fucking panicking. Just, it was almost like I was buying gay porn. Like, I just was like, like, I just, and I didn't even look at a title. I just was like, I'll just take this one and just walked out, raced back home. This guy said to me, I was just like, you know, I've never rented a porn. I never had the nerve to do it. And the comedian who was there was just like, why? Kind of talks like that. Who is it? Do I know him? You might be able to figure it out. It's a really

bad impression. And I was like, I was like, I don don't know I was getting like embarrassed or whatever he goes there's nothing to be embarrassed about wait is this Mike Machete no he was like you could literally walk in

rent the porno and return it a half hour later and they wouldn't say anything that's what he got that's it DeRosa knows

who I'm doing so I said oh fuck it so i just walked in i i made a quick decision yeah grabbed it put it on the counter gained the money okay and then i left i did not come back a half hour later came back a couple days later, but... Yeah. I put that porn in my house. And the first scene, I didn't even look at the porn. I just bought it, walked home. I lived right across the street from the cellar. I was always jealous that you lived there.

I was just like... Oh, such a great place. Me and Bobby say, Bert lives right there. He's got an 835. He can walk out of his house at 832 and be on time. It was, yeah, but I had to be at the fucking Boston Comedy Club at 7. Aw, did you have to walk around the corner? No, but I had to put seats up, and I had to hang out all day to do it in my spot at midnight. He's trying to say he paid his dues.

Yep. Put the porn in. You didn't make it on your looks. Hit play. First scene. Girl and girl like this on the couch. And they're kind of like, you know, messing around. And then one girl puts her foot in the other girl's pussy. I'm like this on the couch and they're kind of like, you know, messing around and the one girl puts her foot

in the other girl's pussy. I'm like, what the fuck? Yeah, you went down the wrong aisle. I was like, what the fuck am I watching? Ugh. Yeah, so I've been laying off that. I don't smoke cigars. I don't fucking drink.

What are you doing? What am I doing? Are you working out? I mean, you might as well be getting in great shape. Go full Aziz. Or not Aziz. God damn it, that was racist. Kamau.

Fuck, that was horrible. That was fucking horrible. Yeah, no, I just, I don't know. I just had like this, you know, my kid's so young and I'm sitting there, I'm already way fucking older than i should have been and then i'm gonna be fucking slowly killing myself every day i just had to like it you know it just went the road of my drinking where it's just like i got this weird thing where it's just like i just get into shit and i just do it but then i can walk away from it so i don't

have like that i'm not like an alcoholic but like my consumption is on that level so cigars i i was remember you asked me last last time you like how many do you do and i was like fucking like uh i don't know like 30 a month i mean it wasn't like that but i i barely i'll smoke a cigar like today i i had a really rough morning of just i had to run and go to hot spin. And I was like, you know what, I'll do a cigar this afternoon. I can't do two in a day. I can't do one every day. I would do them back to back. Well, because what really made my cigar smoking go up was the fact I wasn't drinking.

Oh, yeah. So if you're just sitting there drinking and having a good time or whatever, and then I could just leisurely have a cigar. But like I smoke a cigar and it's done in like 30, 40 minutes and my buddies are still drinking. Then it became, well, I guess I'll have another cigar. And then like I just noticed that some hardcore cigar smokers were tapping out on the shit that I was smoking. And I'm like, I'll fucking have another one. And I was just like, yeah.

You know what I started doing? I started buying, not expensive wine, but wine that's over $20. And I would drink less of it. That's the higher end stuff. Yeah, like I bought a $50 bottle of wine, which for me is expensive. Get a Barolo. What is it? Get a Barolo.

I'll put it down. I'll drink it tonight. But I found that if I have an expensive wine, I really enjoy it, and I drink it a lot. You savor it. I really enjoy it. As opposed to just sitting there getting hammered. Yeah, it's like you get an $8 bottle of wine,

and you're just like, man, fucking ga-ga-ga-ga, you know? I wish I could go back to being fucking young again and just being like, enjoying the damage I can do to my body with no ramifications. Like, I don't, I just don't think I appreciated it. You don't appreciate it until that first like major repair you have to have. Barolo? Yeah.

All right. Fucking spell check just wrote Brooklyn. I haven't drank it in a while, but there's like two different kinds. One is a, I'm not a big wine guy, but like one is, is more, I don't know it in a while, but there's like two different kinds one is a I'm not a big wine guy, but like one is is more I don't know about fruitier one and one's more of like the acidic one I like the fruit fruity ones a little more flavorful This is where I pick up the slack on the podcast Oh God

temptation oh And he brought another one and it it's just sitting right there. I worked out twice today already. Did you? That's great. Yeah, ran, woke up, took Georgia to school, or to the bus stop, played the new Eminem album for her, which it didn't translate. It's weird, I guess, hearing your dad when Eminem's like, oh, you're a pussy, and you're

in the back of the car like, oh, dad. Yeah, you can't do that. Yeah, it's whatever it is. But I tried to connect with her and her friends. I think you tried a little too hard. I tried a little too hard. Do you know how you connect with your kids' friends? Is you just be your age, be your dad.

Yeah, just hang out. And then they're like, yeah, this is, you know. They should be censoring themselves around you. Yeah, you shouldn't be saying pussy around. I wasn't saying. But that was the Eminem song lyric or something. It was like, I don't know. And then I came back, got on the treadmill, ran three miles.

This made me feel really sad for you. Oh, dude, this one. You wanted that approval? No, I just was like, part of me was like, have you guys heard the new Eminem album? And they were like, no. Oh, God. Oh, man, this is making me so uncomfortable. I go, it's really good.

And I put on a song. Dude, you realize to them that's like saying, hey, did you hear the new Andy Williams? Eminem, I mean, I think he's doing his best work, but the guys like in his, they're into those fucking, you know, those other people. He's the best. I wanted to share it with them.

He's the Sinatra of rap. I could see them in the rearview mirror looking at each other like, oh. And I was like, oh, God. He's the Sinatra of rap. I could see them in the rearview mirror looking at each other like, oh. And I was like, oh, God. And then the bus showed up. Yeah, they're just sitting there like, oh, my God. I can understand what he's saying. This is like such old rap.

I was at a red light waiting to get here. And this guy pulled up in this really nice F-150, the XLT Lariat, right? And he's got like that auto-tune shit playing You know, I mean, yeah, they're just about Fuck just say it and I had to sit through the whole red light listening to this It was one of those long ones. Yeah, where there's a five thing intersections. He just sitting there waiting to take 11 long ones yeah where there's a five thing intersections you just sitting there waiting to take 11 so i finally look over and he's looking at his phone and i did my favorite thing at a red light and somebody looks at their phone what you do is you just go you pull up and then they

think it turns green and then you make them go yeah yeah i made him go a long time ago there was a this and i never thought anyone would ever believe this story because, because of, now it's very, if this was to happen today, you'd totally believe it. This is before cell phones were the way they are, where everyone's on their cell phone, right? I'm driving on the 10, driving out to Ontario, and a woman is driving, reading a book. She's reading a book on her thing, driving. And, and I was like, the fuck? That's almost like the amount of people staring at their iPhone. It's just like, oh, finally.

Yeah. It's good to know that that hasn't ended. Yeah. Oh, yeah. And so she is there. And I end up in front of her. And I still see her reading her book. And we're driving fine.

Like, there's no one in front. And I just tap on my brake lights. And she sees is brake lights and she locks them up just right she pulls up to yell at me Bill she pulls up to yell at me I reach over and grab a book sitting I had a book the fountainhead next to me and grabbed a book and I pretended I was reading a book and I was like oh hi no one would ever believe that because they never believe you had a book but now you can the joke is so easy because you just have cell phones. But yeah, that fucking, I remember that so vividly.

I was driving to Ontario. Just reading a fucking book. Dude, you know, that just reminds me of one time I was fucking, I was driving, and I don't know what the fuck, I can't even remember what the fuck happened.

This woman, like, I don't know, she was behind me can't even remember what the fuck happened. This woman, like, I don't know, I don't know, she was behind me and she swerved around me and then she got in front of me and she beeped at me so I beeped back at her.

She beeped at me and then I beeped back at her and then, like, we pulled up to the red light. She beeped at me and I beeped back at her and then she had,

like, those old 1950s, like, she was young but she had, like, those fucking horn-rimmed glasses and then she just went,

what? Staring. For like 30 seconds. And I just waited. And the second I stopped, I went, beep. Me and my buddy started dying laughing. Dude, she fucking put it in reverse and just

went, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam. And hit the front of my car and then reached into the glove box you're like oh fuck oh fuck oh fuck like we were just like pinned and she got out with a with a pen thank god in a pad that was mightier than the sword it is my inner soul wrote down my license plate number and then just took off and i was like what the fuck so i pulled in to the gas station there or something what a simple parking lot so we get out to see if there's any damage this guy pulled up or a woman pulled up so hey was that a friend of you is messing around like no I have no idea who that was and she goes oh here's

my business card just in case there's any sort of a problem so I said yeah fine so I was on the road and I came back from this come back from the road and it was like you know I had an answer machine and I had like the usual, you know, hey Bill, what's your mom? Give me a call. Hey Bill, blah, blah, blah, blah, you know? And then I say like, oh yeah, this is officer so-and-so calling from the El Segundo police department talking about a possible assault with a deadly weapon because a car is a deadly weapon or something like that. Hit and run assault with a deadly weapon. I was like, what the fuck? So I called up

and I can't remember. I left a message. I had the witness. And I just... Somebody who I called up and I left a message and I was fucking pissed. I was like, I didn't do anything.

This fucking broad pulls up and I just talked how I would tell the story to you. Yeah. And the guy ended up calling back laughing on my machine. He's like, I didn't do anything. This fucking broad pulls up, and I just talked how I would tell the story to you. And the guy ended up calling back, laughing on my machine. He's like, Mr. Burr, you're a very colorful speaker. He was like, we called your witness.

Everything checked out. If it's okay with you, we're just going to leave it alone. I was just like, yeah. Yeah, leave it alone. What a fucking lunatic. That was one of my favorite fuck you moments when she was just like, I just knew. This is the greatest setup ever. Second she stops, it was a Honda Accord.

So I just had the little thumb ones. Beep, beep. And we both went cackling laughing like we won. I was pulling out of crunch when I was younger. And a guy was, there was a parking garage and a guy was in a van and the guy... Nobody's thinking you just pulled out

a crunch now. Yeah, no, not at all. This is making me look, I pulled out a crunch when I was younger. It was right when I moved to LA and he pulled up. I was doing pull-ups

a long time ago. And he was blocking the way and he, he was blocking the way but I was kind of out a little already so he couldn't go and I couldn't go.

Neither of us could go. So either I had to back up or he had to back up, but neither of us were giving way. And he was in a white van and he was like probably a house painter or something. And he had a guy sitting next to him. And the guy's like, back the fuck up. And I was like, nah, you back up. Like just being like, you back up. And he's like, no, back the fuck up.

I was like, no, I don't want to. You back up. And he's like, back the fuck up. And. And I was like, no, I don't want to. You back up. And he's like, back the fuck up. And all I did was I go, can I get my check, please? And the guy fucking lit up. And he spit out his window. But he forgot there's a guy here. And he must have spit all over this guy.

And the guy's like, what the fuck? And we started fighting. And I just backed up slowly. Wait, can I get my check please? What does that mean? Just, I'm done with this argument. Can I get my check please? It's just, it's like, it was like.

Oh, you were being catty. It was like, yeah, it was like a communication that we both knew, because we couldn't hear each other. It was like, back the fuck up. But all you see is that. And I was like, no, you back up. And he was like, no, you back the fuck up. You said, can I get my check?

He should have hit you. Can I get my check, please? And he went, like he knew what I said. That made me want him to hit you. Oh, I almost got in a fight with a guy that had adult braces. And I saw that he had adult braces. And I was like, I am not fucking fighting this guy. This is a guy.

A couple of jabs, the fight's over. No, dude. Any man who has adult braces means his childhood was fucked up. He's trying to get himself back on track. I read into that shit. But he gives a fuck. He does give a fuck, but he didn't always. He had parents that did not give a fuck.

He had parents who didn't give a fuck, but he gave a fuck. He gave a fuck, and he's trying to get himself. He's probably going to be a great dad. Not this guy. I'm going to give myself and my kid everything I never had. Adult braces oh that's a great name for a fucking show adult braces adult braces adult braces on an adult swim adult braces and it's just all adults with braces no it's it's one guy with braces and

then that's somebody else with the forest gump fucking polio legs so it works on two different levels yeah i like that. And then it's just them solving mysteries? No, they're both gay, so we get it on the air. Yeah. So one time he goes to blow them, and his adult braces get caught in his leg braces. It's a two...

You end the first episode on a cliffhanger. I think I'm stuck. Yeah. And the guy's like, God damn it. I think I was stuck. Yeah. And the guy's like, God damn it. I can't walk to help you. You're stuck to my legs. I don't know why the other guy's talking like that. I like it.

Out of empathy. Out of empathy. Yeah. Adult braces. It's a love story. Adult braces. If someone could just come up with like a. And then they would just say, if you don't embrace adult braces,

something, there's something wrong. You're racist. I think that's a hit. I think it is. You know what's fucked up? There's so many fucking channels someone would do that show. Oh, yeah. All you have to do is animate it, and then no one could get offended.

This is an animated kid with polio. That's how, that's a rule. You can do whatever you want in animation. Really? Yeah, because it's not going to influence anybody. What do you mean?

Because it's just imaginary? It's imaginary? Yeah, it's not. What's it going to do? Is it going to influence animated kids to go out and do something bad? Well, I guess that's right,

but what about, yeah, I guess South Park. The only thing I ever said I got in trouble was beefus and butthead. Because of lighting things on fire? Well, a kid put his brother on a spit or something like that and he got burned up. That's not true. Something like that. Look it up.

No. It had something to do with fire. For real? Yeah, I know you think I'm full of shit. I can't believe that a kid put his brother on a spit he or his kid recreated something

beefus beefus fire fire fire and then he had to stop saying fire fire fire for real yeah if you think about it probably

rank the top four animated shows F is for Family is number one obviously no Top four animated shows, F is for Family is number one, obviously. No. Five-year-old boy started a fire. Five-year-old boy started a fire. Killed his younger sister.

Oh, I didn't know there was a death. I wouldn't have brought that up. Jesus. Okay, so the top five animation. So in the running is South Park, Simpsons, Family Guy. South Park, Simpsons, Family Guy. Johnny Quest no, I Guess you could put you to be or rents. If he was great. Red is if he was fucking idiot

You don't deserve to live My wife loved that show Oh that one do you remember that one there was that fucking dude at the door and it was that crazy guy he's My wife loved that show. Oh. Do you remember that one? There was that fucking dude at the door, and there was that crazy guy, and he just goes, call for help. No, there's got to be another one. What's your favorite of all time? It's family.

I don't know. It's between Family Guys and Simpsons. I go South Park. I've never been a huge South Park fan. South Park, I think, is the greatest social commentary in the last 25 years. And they've only been on for 23 years. I could never get into it.

I just never could get into it. I could get into it. You hit too close to home? Yeah, I think so. You knew too many people like that in Florida? That was my childhood. Lighting kids on fire. Do you remember when that first came,

when there was just that tape? No, the Santa Claus fights Jesus? I didn't see it. You saw that? Do you remember the Jerky Boys tape? Fuck. Okay, so you had that one, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That was going viral. It took like nine years for it to, wherever it started, everyone in the tri-state area had the Jerky Boys and it took like, I don't know, it took like five, I mean, it was called the Prank Phone Call Tape. It's amazing how much that tape and Andrew Dice Clay influenced generations of comedy.

It's why my comedy's at the, as filthy as it is. You think? Those guys made it okay, yeah. Oh, but I remember hearing that for the first time and being like, being like, what but I remember hearing that for the first time and being like, being like, what?

I remember Sam Kinison saying you could lick the alphabet. And I remember going, we were going ice skating. Oh, God, everybody tried that. Oh, first time I ever went down on a chick, I was like, lick the alphabet.

I thought it was, I thought it was less a joke and more a tutorial of, for real, that's what you do. I remember being down there. I did too. I wish he was still alive so we could tell him that. He would be, I guess he wouldn't be very old.

He'd be Dice's age. Yeah, no, he wasn't that old. He was only like 37 or 38. He did, he accomplished all of that. 37, 38. I mean, he made it in like 85, 86 off that Dangerfield thing. And he was gone by 92, 91, 92, 90? It's crazy it wasn't drugs.

It was just a car accident. That he was clean. I know. That happens to a lot. Oh, fuck. I'm cleaned up. That happens to a lot of people. They get cleaned up and then just fucking.

I always feel like, you know, if you believe in a higher power... You're from Florida. You believe in God, right? Of course. You believe in God. I have chains on. Guns. I have medals and everything.

Guns? Buy more? It's funny. The more you're into God, the more you're into guns. Why is that? I don't know. I know why it is.

Why? Because when Jesus comes back, okay, if he ain't taking you with him, if he's going to send you to hell, there's going to be a fight. Jesus comes walking up smiling like, hey, man, you're going to the good side of the fence. You're going to put your shit down. Yeah. But it's just like if he's coming up and he doesn't have a good look on his face,

you can be like, it's about far enough, motherfucker. He looks around. He's like, Georgia, Isla Leanne. What's up, buddy? And you're like, wait, you're taking them? And he's like, yeah, that's all right. You got to take God's kid hostage there. All right.

Force his way. Force your way in. And just the whole time, like, how far can I take this? I'm going up against God. You have a gun? No. For real? Yeah.

Or are you doing the thing you're supposed to say? Yeah, you're supposed to say you don't have one. Yeah, me either then. Huh? Do you just look at you, you know you have a gun,

you have a smoker? I have two smokers. You got a smoker, you got some barefoot kids, you can just fucking see it. I got a sauna, I got an ice tub. You got a smoker. You got some barefoot kids. You can just fucking see it. I got a sauna. I got an ice tub. You got a pheasant stuffed over your fucking headboard.

You really don't have a gun? No. I don't like that I don't have a gun. These are bad questions to be asked. Why? Half of the country loves guns. No, I'm just saying I'm letting people know that I don't have one. No, I'm unarmed.

I can't protect myself. No, I mean, I have, you know, I got the proverbial fucking softball bat under my bed. So I can do a couple of my favorite, you know, Captain Carl Yastrzemski's before they can fucking shoot me. I get to read out loud first! Alright, everybody. Cryofreeze. Pronounced cryofreeze.

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You ever seen someone get hit with a bat before? I mean, not live. I have. Of course you have. You grew up in Florida, outside of Tampa. Yes, dude. And let me tell you something. Watching someone get hit by a bat.

I bet your tables at home are as sticky as a Waffle House. Oh. Everything's all smothered and covered. There's always, if you put your forearm on our table, you'll get some syrup on it. That's so fucking. That's kids though. No, it isn't. Yeah, it is.

It's lazy parenting. No. Yeah. I can't take fucking notes from a guy who's only been a parent for what? Like three years? Yeah. Yeah. I've been a parent for what? Like three years? Yeah. Yeah, I've been a parent for like 15 years. Yeah, you quit.

Yeah, I'm on cruise control. Yeah, you quit. There's certain things where you just don't worry about it. You put your arms in syrup and you go, I guess we had pancakes this morning. Nope. No? No.

It's like Segura. Segura gives me notes on parenting and I go, wait, which nanny do you tell that to? And he's like, huh? I go, the night nanny or the morning nanny or the one that stays all 24-7 and lives with you guys? I raise kids the old school way. Me, Leanne, waking up in the middle of the night, just us. And, well, he had a nanny too, but.

It's kind of unraveling, isn't it? Yeah, it is kind of unraveling. We had a hot nanny. No, I don't... I don't give into that. And I'm fighting a one-person fight in my house. What do you mean? I just, like, I'm not having that, you know...

You know all those Steve Martin movies where he has a million kids in the house? It's just a complete disaster. It's just like, hey, I'm not fucking doing it. So wait, what are you going to do? What do you mean,

what am I going to do? Are you going to be the house where the kids come over? No, my kid picks up her toys. No, but you're going to be the house when the kids come over and they're like, yeah, stay away

from my dad's stuff. Yeah, you little shit. No, Bill, you've got to be the dad where they're like, where you show up and you're like, God damn it,

everyone's got my podcasting gear. Are you guys doing a fake podcast? And they've to be the dad where they're like, where you show up and you're like, God damn it, everyone's got my podcasting gear. Are you guys doing a fake podcast? And they've got all the equipment and their kids, and they're like, who did? And they drop them, and you're like, fuck, that's a microphone. That's the dad I am. Yeah.

Like the shit show. Because you have a crushing need to be liked. Yeah. You're playing Eminem when you get in this fucking car with your kids. So wait, you're going to be- You're not comfortable with who you are. This is my fucking house.

No. You can play outside. No, that's not comfortable with who you are. This is my fucking house. No. You can play outside. No, that's not... We have a pool. The toys are down there. When you're done with the toys, you put them away. You little animals.

They're going to come in and fucking... What was your house like? Was your house like that growing up? No. Wait, then why would you create a house that isn't

the same that you grew up in? Dude, my house caused me to become a comedian. I'm trying to undo that. You're sitting here talking to me like I'm some sort of fucking evolved human being. No, but it's just bizarre to me that you'd be the house that you were scared to go to as a kid.

You'd be like... No, I didn't say that. I'm not going to fucking terrorize kids, but you come over, you're going to have a good time. Dude, if they want to come out and sit down and play my drums, yeah. Okay. Absolutely, you can do that. What if you walk in and they're playing your drums?

It all depends on the level of maturity of my kid. If she's like watching, like I don't give a fuck. Dude, I've had adults come in and just fucking sit down and start playing my kid and they do fucked up shit. Really? Well, because everybody's got to show up.

They got to adjust everything to, it's like somebody, like when a valet takes your car, he's got to adjust it, all the mirrors to his. I get that you got to see, but it's just like, what the fuck are you doing?

Yeah. What are you doing? That drives me fucking nuts. Or at least. Change the radio station it's just like there's so many people out there that just don't understand where the fucking line is they just don't fucking get it and it's it's unfortunate and it's why there's so much violence justifiable violence out there viable violence sometimes it goes too far but like there's so

many people just constantly doing shit deserving of an ass kicking because you just completely lack empathy. Yeah. And under fucking standing. They're just on basic level shit that if you're the first guy at the fucking green light to make the left, you get out to the intersection.

Your job as the first person is make sure two people behind you make it. And there's fucking people who grew up out here, who the light turns green and they're still sitting there at the fucking light and you beep at them, beep and beep and beep and they sort of creep the fuck out there. These fucking idiots on the highway who pass

on the right doing 90 miles an hour. Like, it's an epidemic fucking problem out here. Those fucking people, all of them, just deserve it. That's why the people are getting shot at on the freeway. It's the only fucking place in the country where people are just picking up guns and shooting each other on the fucking freeway. That's how bad they drive out here. Yeah.

I don't like when people park on the street in front of your house and block part of your driveway with the tail of their car. Your car needs to be well past. You should be able to take the back end of their car off. You should be able to take the back end. Here's my favorite. Oh, I love this one. When it's out here, this is a fucking ep. Somebody goes to turn into a fucking lane,

go from this lane to this lane, and they go in like this. And then this part of the car is still in your lane. And they're so self-involved, they're like, well, I'm in your lane. And they're so self-involved, they're like, well, I'm in this lane, so my job's done. And then what kills me is this fucking asshole cannot make this move and go over the double line,

and they just fucking sit there. And then I always drive by and I beep at them, and they look at you like, what the fuck? Yep. I want to be like, do you realize the back third of your car is in my lane, fucking asshole yeah i let people go this lady that's a huge one i see somebody trying to make a fucking maneuver out here i know how difficult it is yeah i fucking do everything in my power go ahead go ahead go ahead people who

fucking pull in front of 18 wheelers and then slam on the, not understanding how much weight that guy has. Yeah. Oh, all of them. Dude, there was a lady today in a white Mercedes who cut across over, like, I think it's Tujunga and Riverside, cut across all of them and just blocked everyone. And all the turn lanes were green. She blocked everyone. No one could go because she decided at the last minute she wanted to go. And all I said, all I thought to myself, and this is like that small thing you recognize, both of her rims were

scraped the fuck up. Like she had parked too close to the curb and just scraped her rims. And I thought, that's all I need to know about you. A van should have pulled up with some sort of neutering spray and just sprayed it into her sunroof. And then we would all just tolerate her until her face, just kill it like weed killer.

Yeah. Like fucking weed killer. I said to my wife the other day, I get upset with women in LA at times. They do things where I don't think they know what they're doing. For instance, any woman, let's just use, let's just use Botox. That's something they think they know what they're doing. That the, uh, frozen face. My wife is, well, we have a bull mastiff and she will let the bull mastiff get up on people. I go, don't do that. Not everyone loves dogs and it's a scary dog. So be in control of your dog. Keep it here. Don't let, if another dog's coming down, don't do that. Not everyone loves dogs, and it's a scary dog. So be in control of your dog.

Keep it here. Don't let, if another dog's coming down, don't just let our dog go up to it. Be in control of your dog. And I think it's because I'm a man, and I know that there's physical confrontation happening. If my dog and this dog get in a fight, some guy might be like, what the fuck, dude? Well, you don't know what's up with the other dog. Yeah, and I go, just hold your dog. She goes, she's fine.

She's friendly. I go, you don't know that. Like, you can't that's like walking into the park you know two o'clock in the morning it's fine I'm friendly yeah it's like you don't know what you're gonna run into oh my wife my wife one time I got we got in a fight because she parked on the street we're dropping off the girls she parked in front of someone's walkway going into their house like it wasn't red there, but she parked in front of their walkway where they're walking into their house. I went, hey, don't do that.

That spot's not available now because those people want to use that to walk out of their house. You let that be open. She was like, no, it's a street. I went, no, it's not a street. That's their walkway. Could you see another open spot? Yeah. Oh, there was a lot of them. went, no, it's not a street. That's their walkway. Could you see another open spot? Yeah.

Oh, there was a bunch of them. Yeah, yeah. So there's no reason to do that. There are little things. And I wonder if it's because, as a guy, the level of- Absolutely. Because getting your ass kicked is always on the table as a guy. Always on the table.

I used to get nervous back in the day when I was a complete lunatic. Living in Boston, if I took too long in an ATM, I would do sometimes half the things I wanted to do because there was too many people behind me. I'm like, somebody's going to take my head and just bounce it off this fucking thing. I would go to that and I would walk around and then go to another ATM and finish doing what I wanted to do. I took it to an extra level.

I'm very cognizant of other people's, of not overstepping boundaries with other people. There was a guy in the elevator with me and my wife. It's all about self-preservation. Is it? I think that's what it is. For me, too. I just go, guy walks in the elevator on his cell phone, and he's talking on his cell phone, and my wife just goes, apparently he doesn't know there's other people in there.

I go, why are you doing that? Because he can't hit you. Yeah, I'm going to have to fight him. Yeah, I'm going to have to fight him. Just don't even say anything. Me and you get in our car, and we'll go, that guy you doing that? Like, because he can't hit you. Yeah, I'm going to have to fight him. Yeah, I'm going to have to fight him. Like, just don't even say anything. Just me and you get in our car and we'll go, that guy's a fucking animal. But don't do it in front of him.

Like, he knows he's an animal. He's talking on his fucking cell phone. He smells like he put on cologne enough for all of us. Like, what the fuck? Remember the time I was dating this woman, right? And we were down the West Village. And do you remember there was a time they had, like, remember gangster gays? Yeah. do you remember there was a time they had like, remember Gangsta Gays?

Yeah. Do you remember that? And there would be those lesbian chicks who were just walking around. I always call them like, you know the first guy

Steven Seagal beats the shit out of in a movie? Yeah. He has nothing to do with the story. We just have to establish that Steven could beat.

So this guy is just being a fucking asshole. He just comes walking in and flips his hat off and throws his cigar down. Hey, let me get a beer. And then Steve has to look over and kick his ass. They were walking around acting like that.

So they would be like super fucking testosterone vibe. And then they'd have their chick with them. And they were just waiting for someone to look at them, right? So it was that whole fucking scene. So I'm navigating that with my girlfriend and this is, you know, and they openly don't like us because we're breeders.

This is before cell phones. You could just be like fucking assholes, right? So we fucking go into this, this bodega and this fucking gay dude, he looked like Rosie Greer. He was like fucking,

he was like fucking 6'7". And he was fucking shit-faced. And we're walking around the bodega. And all around the bodega were these giant cans of malt liquor with a straw in them. That he had been sipping. He left one in where the ice cream was. So I think he would set his beer down and then eat some fucking ice cream. And he was on the job, right?

So my girlfriend came up and she had this thing she fucking hated alcoholics i don't know i think maybe how she grew up or whatever she just fucking hated him i was going like oh god here we go just just make the transaction let's get the fuck out of here and she gave him a little bit of attitude and he was just like whatever this thing and he did that like flip fucking thing and she goes well she goes what she go she said i'll have another beer you're fucking alcoholic have another drink you're fucking alky is what she said right and he fucking looked at her like that and we got out of the fucking place i i that was the maddest i think i ever was at her and i just said to her i go let

me ask you a fucking question she was why what the the fuck are you mad at me for? He was drunk. I go, let me ask you a question. When that fucking oak tree was going to come across that counter, what the fuck were you going to do? What were you going to do? Because I was going to have to fucking roll around the floor with that fucking guy. Yeah. That guy would have fucking murdered me. You were going to pull him off me?

Why are you standing there talking like you have Steven Seagal skills? Or I do. Because I don't. So if you do, by all means, continue to talk like that. Oh my God, I was so...

Oh, yeah, she had a mouth on her. Dude, I talked... She was funny, but Jesus fucking Christ. Have another drink,

you fucking alky. And that guy looked at her and then he looked at me and I probably just went like... Yeah, two gay guys that lived above us in our apartment when we just had Georgia, and Georgia was crying really bad one morning, one night in the middle of the night, and they start stomping on their ceiling,

on their floor, like, shut her the fuck up, and just fucking angry and already frustrated that we can't get Georgia to sleep, she's teething or whatever. I go upstairs and I bang on their fucking door, right? Like I'm gonna get in their face. One guy, they had matching kimonos on, I remember that very distinctly.

One guy. Even at night they're crushing it. Yeah. Guy was like, he's like, what? And I was like, I go, you like, what? And I was like, I go, you fucking stomped? And he was like,

yeah. And then the door opened and I saw the other guy and I just thought, oh, these are men. Like for a second I went, I forgot they're men.

Like, it really threw me off that like I'm about to. Yeah, they're in kimonos, which means they're free balling. You can just do a couple of. But for fun,

they fuck in the ass. Like, that's their party. Like, how am I going to hurt this guy? That's my worst fucking nightmare. Fucking two men. And I remember going, nothing, man.

We'll try to keep it down. Just fucking left. Oh, you imploded? I would have had to go. I imploded. I would have gone World Series of Poker. He's got nothing. What does this guy do?

I would have gone all in. Oh, no. Yeah. Yeah. You just don't do that. Dude, at the end of the fucking night, I actually enjoy doing this. When I come home after spots getting bad, I fucking finish all the dishes. If there's any toys out, I put them away.

Really? I fucking wipe down the counters. I fucking hate waking up to a dirty house. I hate waking up to a dirty house. I hate waking up today with all of today's problems and yesterday's problems. Fuck that. You. Fuck that, dude.

What are you clapping about? You know why? Is that a- Because he fucking loves that. Wait, so wait. He loves it. That is, you know my wife would lose her shit for that. He loves it.

My wife loves that. That is, you know my wife would lose her shit for that. He loves it. My wife loves that. He fucking loved that. Sorry. So you get home and you make sure, your wife's asleep, right? I handle shit. Dude, I am the exact opposite. I would literally, if I have my fucking sunglasses that I accidentally brought them in from the car or whatever, I don't give a shit if I brought them up to the bedroom.

I will get up and I will walk down and say, open up my fucking car. And I will put them in there. I will shut the door. And I will fucking go back in the house. And I will sleep like a baby. Because I don't have the stress knowing that the second I wake up and my Achilles are all tight and I'm going to get myself plantar fissuritis the second I take that first step

because I know I got to go downstairs with those fucking sunglasses. I just don't do it. I don't do it. I am so fucking different than that. I come home after a set. Ba-da, ba-da, ba-da. Ba-da, ba-da, ba-da, ba-da-ba-da-da-da-da-da-da. Open a bottle of wine.

Oh, I become Felix on this. You fucking got it. You got the cigar. You're Jack Clever. Oh, I am definitely. Dude, I fucking open a bottle of wine, go out to the man cave, throw on some music,

put a movie on in silence, get on the treadmill, walk around a little bit, break a sweat, come inside, family's asleep, headsets in. Wait, you drink wine and get on a treadmill? walk around a little bit, break a sweat, come inside, family's asleep, headsets in. Wait, you drink wine and get on a treadmill? Oh, one of my favorite things in the world to do.

I just feel like that's something Napoleon would do if treadmills existed when he was alive. Oh, it's my favorite thing to do. Get his little ass on there. He'd have his whole thing with his sword dragging on the thing. I've been stumbling drunk on a treadmill before. My favorite thing in the world. I rode a bike 12 miles one time, hammered.

Where? Back in the day when I still lived at my parents' house, I just got into riding this bike. I fucking would ride this thing. I rode it 10, 12 miles on the weekdays, and then on Saturday I'd ride 18 miles. And then I didn't do it. I was fucking shredded. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Still pasty as hell, so I couldn't take off my shirt weekdays and then on saturday i'd ride 18 miles and then i didn't do dude i was like fucking i

was shredded yeah oh yeah still pasty as hell so i couldn't take off my shirt and show off my work it's a real sad thing um but i don't know what happened somehow i day was day drinking but i still had to get my workout in it was the stupidest thing i did i got on the bike i was fucking hammered and i still did it and i remember like riding across the street I was laughing I was so drunk and I was just thinking like can you imagine if I if my parents if I fucking died doing that was so fucking dumb they used to do that in the Tour de France they would drink beers to kind of thin out your blood to so that they could race better that was like a a thing they did back probably a old wives tale somebody told me that that was a good thing to do yeah well I think it was one of those things where they were like no it's good at altitude in the day. It's probably an old wives tale. Somebody told me that was a good thing to do. Yeah, well, I think it was one of those things where they were like, no, it's good at

altitude. You're in the mountains. It's probably not. I'm going to, with no medical background, I'm going to say if you're riding a bike up a mountain, you don't also want to be shit-faced. I will tell you right now, I get up on the treadmill. I'll go for about two miles. I'll do... Boy, I interrupted. So you get home. Yeah.

I'll do it tonight. I'll do it tonight, without a doubt. You get a fucking little goblet of wine. I have a great, my wine bottle fits inside the drink holder. I put, I have like a little platform here. I put my wine glass there. Is that how you decide which bottle of wine you're going to get? Does it fit in the thing? Yeah.

It's too chunky and fat. This is the greatest wine we've ever had. Eh, it won't fit my treadmill. What's up with that Zinfandel over there? Oh, no. No white sister. Is that a 2018? Throw it up.

Throw on like guys, diners, drive-ins, and dives or something like backyard, barnyard builders. Dude, that guy can cook his fucking ass off. Guy? He can cook his fucking ass off. Wait, no shit. He can cook his fucking ass off. I was at something and he was there.

Nah, nah, nah, nah, nah. Why? It was on Instagram. I wasn't there. You weren. I was at something, and he was there. Why? It was on Instagram. I wasn't there. You weren't at that one? I wasn't, no. Oh, I just saw that on Instagram. Yeah, I wasn't at that. I was at something else.

Yeah. And he fucking, oh my God. Because you think that he goes to diners, drives, and dives, and he's going to make like fucking, hey, this is a great French dip, which is great. Those guys are legit, Chef.

Yeah, no, it was fucking awesome, dude. All those guys. Bobby Flay, fucking top end. Like, which is great. Those guys are legit, Chef. Yeah, no. He's fucking awesome, dude. All those guys. Bobby Flay, fucking top end. Like, all those guys. I mean, I'm super impressed. I've known of that group. Meaning, I don't know. I know Bobby and I know Guy.

But like, they'd say hi to me. It was, yeah. It was, anyway. So go ahead. So you put on Diners, Drivers, and Dives. Barnyard Builders, Living Off the Grid, building off the grid, something like that. Something that kind of I can disappear. Building off the grid, man, my mind starts fucking.

Do two miles, and then that's when the wine comes out. And I'll walk probably an eighth of a mile. Why do you drink wine when you're... It just adds... I can stay on the treadmill for so much longer. It's like, I just, I don't want to get off. I have a glass of wine with me. And so I'll go and I'll bang out like four miles, six miles.

That's your Gatorade. Yeah. And it's just, I, by the end I'm giggling. I feel good. I get, I take a shower, get a bath, get in the bed and I pass out like a fucking dream. I feel so good. Wake up the next morning, no hangover whatsoever. out like a fucking dream. I feel so good. Wake up the next

morning, no hangover whatsoever. It's the fucking greatest. You should try. I mean, if you were drinking, you should try it. I did it at a hotel room. When I was drinking, I would still come home and I would still fucking clean everything up. For real? Dude, I just got to think. I fucking hate shit in front of shit. Drives me up the fucking wall. When somebody puts down some shit in front of some other shit, so now I have to move that shit to get to the shit. It just doesn't make any sense. Something has to go.

What do your cabinets, your counters in your kitchen look like? How much stuff is on your counters? Well, my kid has a little train set there. I mean, I'm not a Nazi about it, but I clean up around it. I just clean up around it. Uh, no, there's nothing. There's just like appliances and no food and it's fucking spotless. I get, uh, cocoa covered almonds. I put up a bowl of those out. I have these cauliflower. I like put bowls of fun stuff out. So if you come in, you just grab some almonds and pop them in. Peanuts. I have some toffee.

Just little treats out. Spice your day up. I love fun stuff. There's nothing better than walking in and just going like... There's nothing... I think all of that is great. We still have Hershey Kisses and something. I just don't have fucking thumbprints all over the,

I fucking, you know what I'm thinking? I fucking can't stand is the honey. The honey's all fucking sticky and shit. It's just like, just wipe it down. And then what happens is then it gets in the cupboard and then that gets sticky and then dirt gets on it. You're like my wife. My wife's that way.

What, neat? Yeah, yeah. An adult?at? Yeah. Yeah. Adult. Oh, so fucking gross. I, I am so fucking broken. I know exactly what you are. You grab the honey thing, you get it all over your hand and then you grab the handle on the fucking refrigerator. Yeah, there you go. God gave me a napkin, honey. Dude, I, one of my favorite things to do is drink all the milk and put the container back in the fridge. It's one of my favorite things in the world to do.

To then hear my wife go, who the fuck? I start giggling. No, that's funny. That's funny because there's a bit behind it. Yeah. But if you're just being an animal, then you're just a fucking animal.

I took, one time I clipped all my toenails and I taped them underneath our table. So there was tape here and I just thought, I don't know, I'll tape them. The hardest I've ever laughed is when we were moving out of that apartment. We grabbed the table and my wife flipped it and goes, the fuck is this? And it was a treat for me to look back and go, I remember the day I did that. I didn't think the payoff was going to be this strong. And I laughed, crying, laughing. I would have taken that shit looked at me I would have taken that I would have taken my toenails and I would have put him in your fucking Soup the next day. You just have to there has to be a payment for that. You can't do that

You know, it's not that when I live with Bobby Kelly Yeah, Bobby Kelly was sitting in the living room around talking to me and he was clipping his fucking nails and they were flying all over the place i was just like i was like speechless i was like bobby what the fuck are you doing he's like what dude fucking clipping my nails yeah i'm going but they're going all over the table ah dude they just you know they go he thought that like they're going to evaporate that guy like but Bobby he was like he grew up in like the street I think like literally so he used to tell me stories and I would just be like okay now I get the nails thing we were in we were in a uh in a in Paris when I was on Travel Channel at an art

place, like a museum. And it was beautiful manicured lawn in there. And the girl I was with was eating pistachios and throwing the pistachio nuts on the ground. And you could just see them everywhere. And I was like, hey, those don't just go away. And she was like,

God, they're nuts. Just throwing them everywhere. Yeah, it's part of nature. She goes, I go, no, you got to pick those up. She goes, no, it's biodegradable. Just throw them over there. And they were like, it was like Hansel and Gretel. You could see the trail she had taken. Finally, the curator of the museum just goes, is no one going to pick those up?

And I was like, I said something. And the curator went around and picked up all the shells. And I was like. You guys were wearing shirts the curator went around and picked up all the shells. And I was like. And you guys were wearing shirts with American flags on it, weren't you? Travel channel. Listen, I will tell you this. I don't get why if I'm driving down the highway and I have a pear, which I never used to eat. I used to eat apples.

And then my kid got a book because we're trying to potty train her. There's literally a book that says, you know, it hurts when I poop. I swear to God, it's the name of the book. Dude, it's fucking graphic. So they had in the end, they had a whole list of foods that make, you know, it easier. And apples and

bananas was something that they tried to say made it more difficult to have a movement. So I'm back to eating pears. It's a whole aside. So I don't understand if I'm eating an apple or a pear, if I'm driving down the fucking street, why can't I throw that? Why is that polluting if I throw that out the window? I think we just start a pear tree. Like if you throw a pear seed. No, a pear, like the core.

Yeah. The pear, the seed, right? I'm thinking of a pear or am I thinking of a plum? Yeah. No, there's no seeds in them that's going to make them grow anymore. What's the one that's got a nut in it? The corporations own all the seeds. So there's seeds, but you can't grow anything on them. Oh, for real? As far as I know, yeah. They own all the seeds.

Wait, wait, hold on one second. for certain seeds, so if the farmer uses a Monsanto seed, they consume them, but the birds bring them from one field to the other. Wait, wait, hold on one second. You can't just, like in the old days... No. We fucked with the food supply. But they paid off the politicians. See, politicians... Something like this is going on. They neutered the seeds so you can't just bury it and get a pear tree.

Yeah, they did to the food supply what ISIS would love to have done. But what ISIS fucks up is they don't donate money to the Clintons and the Bushes and the Obamas. If they just did that they wouldn't be a problem. The problem is

if you do that then you can literally pour shit in the water supply. You can put hormones in the cow. You can feed cows to other cows. I'm spitting watermelon seeds out going, we're going to have a watermelon fucking. Like, I definitely. I don't think they fucked with them genetically that either if you put them in the ground, it doesn't work or you can only work one, right?

Some, but there are some that they just like trademark. Oh, and other ones that they trademark. Oh, I'm thinking of the nut in a plum, I think. The nut where you like suck it. Suck it, motherfucker. No, you can't just throw shit

out the window anymore. Okay, we got to wrap this one. How much time do we do? An hour. Okay. Yeah, okay. We got to do the read, man. All right, let's do the read.

That smells delicious. Tastes really good. All right, so that's the, that was a good one, man. Yeah right, let's do the read. That smells delicious. Tastes really good. All right, so that was a good one, man. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I felt it was good. I feel like I learned a lot about you. No, you know what it is? I just like to get shit done.

I like to get shit done, too. I like to get shit done. I like to fucking, like, and that's also, I know I'm really difficult to live with. So if I crush all this other shit. Yeah, you're really difficult to live with. So if I crush all this other shit... Yeah, you're not difficult to live with. Everything's clean in your house. What's the hardest part to live with you? All right.

That's the podcast, everybody. The house is clean at least, right? This was great, because I finally get to fucking hang out with you. You used to always say I'm going to hang out with you, and I get to hang out with you. All right, that's the podcast. Thank you. We'll see you guys again soon.

This month. On another episode of the Bill Hurt Podcast. Take care.