The Bill Bert Podcast - The Bill Bert Podcast | Episode 41

Episode Date: December 18, 2020

Bill and Bert prattle about playing it safe, Bert's parenting achievements, and internet leaks.

Welcome to another wonderful episode of the Bill Burtt cast. What's going on? January 24th, national. That's when we're going to hold our Winston Churchill Day. I already cleared it with my wife. My girls are into it. Wake me up. January 24th. January 24th, national. That's when we're going to hold our Winston Churchill Day. I already cleared it with my wife. My girls are into it. Wake me up. January 24th.

All right, I'm in. Cigar. I'm going to do a soft whiskey. I've been on the wagon this whole month, Bill. Dude, you look great, man. Your face is just going like that. Speaking of that, did you see Action Bronson lost like 140 pounds? Dude, he's a good-looking good looking dude man he's a really good

looking dude he looks like a leading man out of this i love that he's found this like side of him that's super into weightlifting like he looks great yeah i i did a um i did a scene with him and in um um the pete davidson movie what the hell is it called there oh yeah that's right yeah uh and yeah he was a big boy and i remember him saying like basically yo when i'm up i'm up when i sit back down i'm down meaning like he was like dealing with his body and you know just having friends that had weight issues who are no longer here man i was like i was worried about him i'm so fucking happy for that guy so happy that guy he was fun he was funny as hell he was cool as hell uh i'm very very happy for him he's a you know i i found that guy one

one break we were on break and uh with the girls down in tampa and i saw fuck that's delicious and i i fell in love with it and by the way i i was a fan of him as a rapper his his first album uh i have it i literally it's the first album that comes up and whenever you look at any album in my in my library it's uh action bronson that's so smart that his name's A. It's the number one. If I could start this business over again, I'd call myself A.A. Kreischer. Dr. Lecter. Dr. Lecter came out in 2011, and I saw Fuck That's Delicious, and I fell in love with that guy. And you wonder, like, you look at guys like that as canaries in mines, where you go, he's doing dabs nonstop. He's out eating like crazy like as long as he's

still alive i don't need to go to the doctor and then when you see him do a shift and get healthy you're like okay i need to get healthy like fuck that yeah you know uh i watched one episode which was really interesting to me because just the level that they can eat was astounding. And this famous chef who's now been canceled, who may or may not have an orange beard like me, he was on it. And it was like he drank them under the table. He's like, come on, let's get desserts now. We can't do it. He goes, come on, you fucking pussies.

And I was just like, like an like an old sailor like drinking somebody under the table or some pothead smoking you under the table he like ate them under the like they were having problems keeping up with them which i thought was uh that surprised me because as big as mario is he wasn't as big as those dudes and he was just putting it away yeah he used to live so when I worked the door of the Boston Comedy Club I lived on 29 at 29 Cornelia Street and Poe was his restaurant and it was directly underneath our apartment so every night when we walked home we walked past Mario Battaglia's uh restaurant po and if they were up if it was like you know three in the morning when we were coming home if they were up they always

let us in to drink me and my two roommates and i and i was unaware i didn't i wasn't a fan of the food network my roommate went my later roommate was and his brother's a chef and he knew exactly who he was but i didn't really know i just knew he's a cool dude that let us in to drink because we lived above him and he'd let us in every fucking time they were off i used to eat at lupa oh yeah yeah and then i went to that other one like babo and that was just like it was too adventurous that was something we would like joke they had like pheasant face ragu just like it was just like some wild part of an animal you wouldn't eat and mixed with the name that you understood and you were just like uh yeah it was too much but i used to get the uh nick dippolo told me to go to lupa and

get the uh the ox tail and i had that it was it was delicious it was delicious so there's something cool about being a chef that lifestyle of you know working all night and then and then making something really cool, like a chef's meal for all the chefs meet up and they have cocktails and they talk about their night and they make something for each other. I really, I guess people probably look at comedy and they're like, everyone's sitting at the back of the cellar and they're busting balls and doing spots and drinking beers and eating chicken wings.

I'm sure they think it's like that. There's something super romantic about being a chef. Yeah, slash like total self-sabotage. I worked in a restaurant one time, and, dude, the characters that were in that place, man, it was just like, you know, like it really did. They were all like comedians in that they couldn't function in a nine to five yeah they had to be a level of creativity to it a level of freedom and a level of chaos and that's kind of what was going on not necessarily with the weight it was more like the

the waiters it was like really the people that cooked were uh were a little like they could party they could like come up with specials and all of that type of stuff. There was one guy who was on like a work release program from prison. I know I've told these stories before, but at the end of the night when everyone was cleaning up and guys had already had a buzz going by like the final, like two hours, they were already taking whatever they were going to take. And then it just ramped up. And I couldn't keep up with them. I really couldn't.

I kind of was just the dork, man. I just came in, did my job. Like, hey, man, you got to come to this party. I'm like, no, I'm fine. And then I would just go home. I was like 19. And I'd come in and some guy would have like a scar on his head, drinking and driving and shit.

It was the 80s, man. They were a lot of coke, shit like that, hash and crazy shit. My buddy, Huicho, when I lived in New York, worked at a restaurant. On 21st Street, it was called the Commune. It was called the Commune, I think. And he spoke Spanish. He was from Peru, so he spoke spanish and man if you want a fucking in at a restaurant in new york if you're a waiter and you speak

spanish you got every i mean that that's like the easiest way to get your meals out first to get your tables bussed first to get that it was like such a the bartenders would load him up he'd go in and he'd get to work he'd have a cocktail when he got to work. And he'd just start serving tables and go back in the back, talk shit to the guys in the back. And they'd be like, hey, we show, you know,

and then that Spanish was such a, it was such a, like a quick in working at restaurants for him. And he would make a killing fucking killing and then i'd go after sets i'd go up there and party with him and hang out with you know all the people he partied with i love how the level that comics were partying at wasn't enough for you you went to the pro level dude if you can drink with like chefs and shit like those guys you know like i'm trying to think of a chef that I respect

that didn't have some sort of substance abuse. Flay, Bobby Flay, Bobby Flay. Oh, Bobby didn't. Bobby's a, man, Bobby Flay, for whatever reason, he is one of the more well, I'm sure you talk to one of his ex-wives, they'd be like, I don't know about that bird. But like Bobby's one of the more well-rounded dudes

that like, he could have a cocktail with you, talk shit that part, but like Bobby's one of the more well-rounded dudes that like, he could have a cocktail with you, talk shit, laugh, be like, I'm going to my room, take care of me. And then be in the gym first thing in the morning.

I mean, yeah, yeah, yeah. Like the, uh, the smart comics. Yeah.

Whenever I watched a great, uh, comedians in cars with, uh, Seinfeld and Gary Shanley, and they were just talking about how not only did they not get into the whole demons and partying at the store, how silly and ridiculous they thought it was. It's like, this is a job we're trying to get somewhere.

And it's just like, it would just go stepping over puddles of puke and stuff and they would just go on and do this stuff and go home like professionals. I think Leno was like that too. I had a buddy of mine came up after him and Leno warned him about the partying scene. He didn't listen for a while and then he came around. And I guess Jay would tell him, you know, come on over.

We're playing Risk. Just play like a board game. Keep your brain together. We'll talk comedy. We'll work on stuff like the smart guy yeah the smart guy way to do it and then everybody else was just like you know it's almost like it's almost like it's almost like a legend it's almost like getting the birthday cake and swiping off the icing like it's too much like part of me like i remember talking to jay about it and jay goes you know he goes i remember talking to Jay about it and Jay goes you know

he goes I remember sitting at the store and they pulled out like a like a like an ounce of coke and put it on the table and I thought guys we could get arrested for this I remember hearing that going and he goes so I just left I went home I'm not I don't want to I didn't want to get arrested I you know and know, and by the way, that makes so much sense. I mean, that is the way you should think. Absolutely. Dude, that was like Michael Jordan. When he talked about that first Bulls team that he was on. Yeah.

When he was a rookie, it was like five games in and they invited him up. Oh, it's, you know, they all heard all this talk. And he said, I walked in and he goes, there was weed. There was lines over here. There was women. And my first thought was if a cop walks in right now, I am as just as guilty as everybody else. And I remember thinking like, wow, man, he had that, that thought at 21, his parents did an unbelievable job raising him. Cause I would have been like,

all right, I'm not into blow a weed but i can drink here hello ladies and i would have stayed because i would want to be accepted by everybody else i bet they respected him more for he was just like man i'm gonna get involved in this shit and the next night he's out there dunking on all these old vets they were just like oh shit this guy's like this guy's the real deal i remember doing i remember doing coke with a guy a comic who's now a movie star and i would never say his name and i learned that the hard way i learned that the hard way you do not share partying stories no dude you keep it all in the locker room i i own a big apology to tracy morgan i should have never shared any fucking –

I should have kept everything in the locker room, and I didn't. So I'll never make that mistake again. It also makes you look like you're not in the business. You know what? It makes you look like a fan. In all fairness, I have to say, I wasn't the one that shared the story, but it got out, and it's my fault, and I owe him an apology whenever I run into him i owe him a sincere apology and a cocktail but uh but i remember

i remember doing coke with a movie star in my in my my apartment one time and i remember thinking thinking i was watching him do coke and he was fucking blowing lines just like and like couldn't stop talking and i was like this guy's got a problem we'll never see anything from this guy and then all of a sudden he's just and there are certain people there are certain people who can party hard as fuck keep it in the keep it in the in between the lines go to sleep get up bang it out i just watched a documentary on uh on macho camacho macho camacho like the night before his big fight in Alaska, he was trying to climb out of a window and jump out of a window.

He had done so much coke. And they were like, he's never going to be able to do this fight. And he went down and destroyed the guy. And they're like, for whatever reason, man, that guy came into work, and he was there to work. You had no idea. I can tell you this. He would have been better if he didn't do it.

Just imagine how great he could have been. You think, though? You think? Yes, because you can do that shit for a while. I can tell you this. He would have been better if he didn't do it. Just imagine how great he could have been. Because that stuff like- You think though? You think? Because don't- Yes, because you can do that shit for a while. I remember hearing a great story. Not going to say the comic's name.

But he was doing shit like that. And then he had a big theater show. And he looked at the- This guy telling me this story is now an older guy. He was a kid when it happened. And right before he went on stage, he lowered his glasses. And he just goes, the transformation. Like he was going to be- Now I'm gonna you know zen sober myself and i was like yeah do you go out there and kill he goes no it was horrible so listen there's there's those

guys that nothing can touch it happens for a while but it's like it's like cheetahs. Cheetahs are a light cat, so I've noticed when they go to take down, it takes a bunch of them. And the fucking gazelle or whatever can run for a while, but then after a while, it just gets you and you go down. And I remember seeing this whole thing on that dude in Rat who died, and he was just a mountain of a man. Like if anybody came at Rat, like he just stood in

front of him and was just a giant shadow. And he was just like, you know, he's like Big John in that song. You know, he could just take anybody out. And Partian got to that guy to the point, he had to re-audition for the band and couldn't even play the songs couldn't play what he used to play so there's a um there's definitely people that have more of an iron-lined liver for a while and can just do more um for whatever reason but like it it's just body blows dude every weekend that's interesting that's interesting that's interesting you say that because i just got all my blood work back from the doctor and everything's perfect. And I go and I thought to myself, there's two, every time I've ever gotten blood work back and it's been good, I say to myself, all right, we're good. And then I just go back to my same lifestyle. And for whatever reason,

this time, I guess I was scared I was like I was like man I've been I pushed it really hard through COVID I mean I was I was 17 pounds heavier than I am today when I like I mean I just was like this is going to turn out bad I'm gonna get a CT scan there's gonna be blockage I've been eating barbecue all summer with David Williamson there's they did an EKG I'm like I have not been sleeping well and i've been running this is not going to be good they did all the blood work and i'm like my cholesterol is going to be up my liver enzyme is going to be through the roof fatty liver and uh and it came back good and i was like and i thought of two people you and david tell I thought, both those guys got in right at the –

like, they stepped out with chips stacked here, and they were like, you know what? I think I'm going to go home. And I keep pushing them forward going, like – No, and eventually you're going to – there's a tipping point because a buddy of mine had a friend like that where he had a really bad liver and he was in trouble, and he just laid off everything. And then it came back and he was fine. So he's like, oh, so that's what

I'll do. I'll just party when they tell me it's bad again, I'll lay off again. He did it again and he laid off the booze and it didn't come back and he died. Yeah. You gotta watch out. There is a finite amount of chances that you get. Everybody seems to get a different hand that they're dealt. You know, look at Len Bias. I mean, that guy, he was just a kid. I don't know when he started partying, but he didn't get a lot of chances. So it's, you know, you're rolling the dice there.

I keep trying to bum out all the young people watching this shit. I said to myself, I was like, I haven't been drinking this month. And I was like, and I don't miss it. Like when I'm at home like this, I don't miss it at all. And then I was like, I got to come up with like a program. Like I can't, like I don't want to lose booze forever. I got a $1,200 bottle of whiskey in there that's like burnt. No, no, no.

This guy, I wish I knew this guy's name. He sent me, I get things sent to my P.O. box, and he sent me, I want to say it's more than that. I want to say it's like a $2,500 bottle of whiskey. But he sent it to me with a bunch of these beers. I wish I knew this guy's name i want to say it's porter or but man it and he said that sounds like cognac prices i'm gonna call my dad my dad knows exactly how much it is my dad's like my dad's like buddy when's this drinking shit over we gotta fucking

open this bottle i was like i was like dad we'll get to it i love your dad's peer pressure come on you pussy oh today he goes he goes you're not done smoking cigars right because uh we got cigars to go through you just got a whole fucking dad sounds amazing yeah he's he'll know exactly how much the whiskey is because i didn't i just got in the po box and assumed it was you know whatever it is and then hey dad dad yeah hey i'm doing a podcast with Bill. Listen. What's up, Mr. Crusher? Yeah, Bill Burr.

How are you, man? Yeah. Nice stash, brother. Hey, bud. How are you? I love the bank stuff. You didn't give me some bank stuff from him. I'll get some bank stuff from him.

He's a big fan, Bill. Hey, how much is that bottle of whiskey we got sent? Oh, that was 25-year-old McCallum. That's a couple grand. 25-year-allum okay all right well i was i was trying to tell bill about it i'll give you a call later i love you i'm taking it out okay mr chrysler wait 20 25 year old mccallum's 25 is look it up uh it's all right i'm looking it up 25 year old mccallum it's it was sent my dad looked up the price and was like buddy buddy, this is fucking expensive whiskey. And I was like, oh, yeah.

And I want to have a drink with him. Oh, $2,400. Yeah, right? I would not have won the Showcase Showdown. I would have been like, eh, it's about 800 bucks. But you kept saying, you say it, I know it now, but like there's no better. I never understood it.

You kept saying it to me and I was like, I don't get it. I don't get it. The hangovers aren't bad for me, but there's nothing better than getting up early and having a cup of coffee and feeling great and feeling like, all right. How about this? And no apologies needed.

Yeah, dude. You know, and it's fun to kind of stand around while people drink and just, you just watch them roofie themselves and you did. And then you can feel the energy change that, that point where it's just okay. And everybody's fucked up. Now I'm going to leave. I'm going to leave. And I am not going to miss anything. I'll hear the stories tomorrow and I won't have anything to apologize for.

Please, please be safe, okay? Social distance. Stay on your bike. No getting off your bike. Stay apart, okay? So, hey, come here, Georgia. Come here, Georgia. Can you just tell Bill what a great job parenting I did last night?

Be honest. How good was my parenting last night. Be honest how good was my parenting last night? It was really good. Yeah. You did a really good job. I believe it. She looks like a hostage. Tell him I'm not hurting you. Tell him I'm not hurting you. He's not hurting me right now. I killed it right? I killed it last night. Yeah. All right. All right. You did a lot better for me. Yeah where I did a lot better. I'm growing Bill. The only bad thing was. Let's not do the bad thing. Let's just leave. The only bad thing is that you asked for recognition of it.

I asked for recognition because I go hold on I just did a good job. Like you got to stop. I did a bad job before. I did a bad job before. I went to therapy and now I'm doing a good job. I need everyone to go. Holy shit, man. That's called growth. Yeah. And we did that. And then you were like, no guys, I need more. And we did it five more times. And then at dinner, you asked for it again. We were like, okay, maybe this isn't growth. Just go, just go. Just go. I love you. Please be safe. Listen, we don't do stand-up because we like ourselves. Oh, I got another story about her.

All right, leave. Leave. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. Dude, when a woman loves you, you can tell. Dude.

Because it is so hard for them to give you a compliment. Just watch. He did a good job right now or something. There's always those little clarifications. What? I said he did a good job right now or something there's always those little clarifications what i said you did a good job yeah she bill i you i mean you want to talk about like it's like you know what this is it's like if if uh if if i show up at spring break and i and i've been working out for like three months and everyone stops and is like, yo man, you look good. But then what I felt is what happened is

I showed up looking good and everyone just was like, so are we going to the beach? And I went, hold on a second. I was a bad parent. I was not parenting well. I was attacking people. I was being toxic.

I just couldn't help it. I was so angry. I love the time of that wave. I was attacking people. sweetheart yeah and so she said last night she goes um she said hey can i go to my friend's house and normally i would just be like no the answer is fucking no like we are in a lockdown you are not allowed out of the house we are staying in the house but i i stopped and and leanne goes no and then georgia kind of snapped back kind of shitty to land she's like oh but you can go to the tile store and you can go to the new house and you can hang out with them but

i can't go to be with my friend bill i went like this i went i took a breath i walked in i said very calmly i said what you're saying is fair I understand that you see me going to maybe do a podcast or mom going to the tile store I understand you see all that and you're wondering why can't I just go to my friend's house I'm gonna explain why I'm gonna tell you why and I went through and I did everything I said here's the deal I'm a really smart guy and I can find a workaround for you I want you to be with your friends you're 16 I don't want you to be living in this house but non-stop i'll find a workaround that will that right now is they're gonna go ride bikes i said you can only

ride bikes you can't get off your bikes you can't go sit somewhere when you're done you come home go ride bikes talk shit have fun stay distant but that's the deal you have to have masks on that's i'm fine with that but i and and then i got done. no one got upset. no one cried. no one slammed their doors and they're like okay cool and I went hold on is no one gonna say anything and they're like what? I go we're not yelling right now and they're like yeah I know. I was like no but that's because of me like I did some work like I noticed I was being bad. I went to therapy. I fixed it. You had him. I had him. What you have to do. What you have to do. Dude, they're like cats.

If you want them to come, you walk away. Oh. Oh, I was so fucked. And then I wouldn't let it go. We're the dogs. Guys are dogs. I need the approval. Pat me on the head.

I did a good job. Guys and dogs, I need the approval. Pat me on the head. I did a good job. Good job there, Fido. Yeah, you just got to... No, I'm telling you. I talk about this in my act. Silence is unsettling to women. Yeah, well... You make a change,

and then afterwards, you're just cool, calm, and collective. They're looking at, what is going on between those ears? They you talking that that that that that that then they know what's they you're reading from your playbook they know what's going on you get quiet it starts fucking with them because now they start thinking like you know i don't know it's so stupid that you literally have to play a game to get a compliment but it's like I don't know it's exhausting and they're way better at it and they have way better stamina

so you're gonna lose. I've been doing a misogynist character in my house like as a joke. Your entire career yeah it's called your act. It's so comfortable to me that I enjoy it so much that I don't think it's an act. I think I'm just doing it for real. I'm just saying what I think. I would be lying if I don't do the same thing. I see my wife, and I'll be like, oh, in the kitchen where you belong.

I love seeing that. Come here. She's got a great side. You know, we had some big stupid fight like, you know, and once again because we weren't communicating, right? Yeah. Right before we went to bed, one of those go to bed, don't even talk to each other. And then you're just rewinding the whole relationship to that second date going, why did I show up? Right? But then you always think, well, I love her and I got the kids. But when you're stubborn and you're mad, that's what I go back to. So the next morning we woke up and I don't say anything to her. She

doesn't say anything to me. And then she's brushing her teeth and I'm brushing my teeth. And she's a bigger person. So she finally just goes, she goes, good morning. I go, good morning. And then I looked at her and we both laughed and that was it. And I was like, well, that's how we stay together. Yeah. I don't even know. I don't remember what the stupid fight was about. But I was laying there afterwards going like, well, I, I, that goes back to coming from a, you know, not being able to express myself.

Sit down, shut the fuck up, you know, let them, yes, I dare to eat it. I don't give a shit. Because I said so, like that was basically, end of discussion, you know, so then I approach any no to me is I'm going to be up against that. Rather than being like that there's negotiation or it's just be like, okay, when you say that, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. It's whatever. You said you were like all hot to trot when we started this podcast. It's about this.

It's about me parenting because I know you're like me. I know you're like me. I know you're like me. I don't actually have to ask. But, like, when they say our city is locked down, I take that pretty serious. I go, hey, man, you just put a rule in place. I'm going to follow your rule. I'm going to follow your rule the best I can. I'm not going to a friend's house.

I'm not going to go do dinner over at people's houses. I'm going to stay in. Me and my family are going to stay in. I'm going to do the necessities. Like, if one of us has to go get groceries, we order all our groceries. But if something like Leanne said, I need chicken thighs, and they're not selling chicken thighs with skin on them online, can you go to Gelson's?

I do that. I'll go to Gelson's. I understand that. I go to get my medication. There are certain rules in place. And to explain them to a child but her also seeing you go out and do certain things like leanne's like if i don't go look at tiles then the house we're building shuts down and then we are paying money on something that like there's certain things that need to happen and explaining it to a child is so impossible

don't call her a child dude at this At this point, she's a young adult. She is a young adult. I asked her if she wanted to go to boarding school last night. Meaning, not being a dick, being like, hey, this sucks, and we may be in this for a little longer. Would you like to do next semester of boarding school and hang out with people and be able to live a life and not have to live with your parents?

We have the vaccines coming out next month i know but i don't think i don't think shit's gonna change for a while bill i don't think anyone's gonna take the fucking vaccine yeah they are i mean i am i am my fucking daughters don't want it and then you go well so do i just what do i do slip it in their drink like well how do i how do i get everyone back? Put it in a cereal. The cereal. Put it in a cereal. Dude, do we have a cereal sponsor on here?

No. Oh, my God. Someone sent me some fucking cereal that's through the roof and I'm dying to talk about. And I know it's a sponsor because it's a protein cereal. And I'm waiting. I don't know. It's not on my broadcast. I don't know where I'm going.

We tried to get it. know where we tried to get it yeah we tried to get it i'll see maybe next year we'll have it up man they sent it to my house and i fucking love it what is it uh i forget the name of it magic spoon magic spoon magic spoon it builds all protein no sugar it tastes like fucking cereal it's cereal it is cereal but it tastes the blueberry one i'm addicted to it i'm addicted to it we talked about last week i was like i just had a bowl of cereal that's the most i've ever heard somebody say the word cereal in three seconds it looks like cereal tastes like cereal it's cereal it's cereal man um my thing lately has

been uh salads oh god what has happened to us? We're talking about not drinking, becoming better people. I figured the trick to salads. The reason why I don't eat them is it's a pain in the ass to make them. So what you got to do is when you get it, you got to cut up all the heads of lettuce, parsley, whatever you're going to put in there, whatever the fuck, whatever greens you got left over. Cut all of that up, rinse it, and then wash it,

and then it's just available and then have your sides cut up just like one of those fast food joints your beets or whatever the fuck you're gonna put in there and like i came home um at like 120 for this 130 start and like i had that thing made by 125 and shoved it in my pile hole, pile hole by, by 129. And I was ready to go. Wow. Fills me up, brother.

Can I tell you, I can't do, I can only do spinach for whatever reason, spinach and, and. Salads are tough, dude. There's certain salads I'm not into.

Like I can't get into Leanne. I'll get like kale salads. And I'm like, I don't know. It just seems like a lot of like, I don't mind kale in a smoothie, but. And then sometimes what they do to it so it tastes good, you might as well be eating a bag of chips.

I like a nice piece of salmon on cooked medium rare. Well, it's still like, still kind of raw inside. Do you go man-made or wild salmon? Wild salmon. I get it. Shout out to my buddy Leeway at the joint. There's this place, the Jointville, on Ventura. This guy, Leeway, dry ages all his fish.

He's dry-aged fish guy on Instagram. He dry ages all his fish so there's less water inside it so it lasts longer. So you buy a big chunk of salmon for him, it'll last for the whole week and a half. And you can just cut it up in little slices as you go. Work your way through it. And you can just cut it up in little slices as you go, work your way through it. I do a lemon, mustard, vinaigrette, garlic that is through the roof. I cook the salmon in there.

In my small toaster oven, in my toaster oven at 400 for 14 minutes. That's still pink on the inside, right? Still rare on the inside. I put it on top bed a bed of lettuce with onion and jalapeno and then i drizzle that mustard all over it dude that's how i've been eating healthy i love that dude i love i go with the man-made salmon really i like the man-made salmon because while i've read that our oceans are so goddamn polluted and all the shit we've thrown in the plastics, they break down the little balls and the fish inhale them. So you're literally eating some old salad bowl that you threw out with the fish.

Dude, have you seen the oceans over in Sierra Leone? Dude, we've got to go, dude. The thing about it is human beings, at least how we're living, it has to end, dude. It's just there's no – it's like that person that gets diagnosed with cancer and they keep smoking. Yeah. That's what we're doing. We just keep pushing it. And, you know, Mother Nature has been nice so far.

She's given us a couple of jabs here or there. But I feel eventually it's going to be something. So I'm trying to, I don't know. I just don't, look at it. You can tell how I dress. I don't buy clothes anymore. I'm like, I'm just going to wear this shit till the fall. You know what's great that you can get away with?

Just a black button-down, man. You can wear a black button-down in front of your friends four days in a row before they finally go, you're wearing the same shirt every day? There's something about it. Nobody notices. You get into some wild color, they're going to call you out on it. Our heart makes a great black hoodie that is rain-proof, meaning water will run off it, which also means food's going to run off of it.

And I've been wearing the fuck out of that. Yeah. Yeah, dude. I hope, I hope, I was watching this guy who's just like totally eats like plant-based and all of that shit, which I just like steak too much and stuff like that. I could never do that. But I'm thinking, well, if I go two-thirds of the day not doing it, because what it really is is there's so many people eating steak and shit. You got all these, I guess, cows farting or steer farting.

It actually is bad for the atmosphere. But I got to tell you something, man. Those Impossible Burgers and shit, they're not right. I don't like that shit where it's just like, this isn't what it's pretending to be, but tastes just as good. I always think, like, there's no fucking way to do that without you putting, there's some sort of voodoo in that thing that's just going to take me out.

It's like one of those robot fuck dolls. You're like, you can only fuck it so much before you start breaking inside. Where you're like, I'm doing shit that you're like you can only fuck it so much before you start breaking inside where you're like you're like i'm doing i'm gonna tell you right now i think uh the internet with free porn i i bet that is created or unleashed more like sexually fucked up slash offended people just because they can indulge in this shit and then i think that those robot dolls dude like i can't fucking imagine if you stick a human being and they're locked away with one of those things and that thing isn't gonna rat them out and they can do whatever the fuck they want there's no and how twisted fucking people are,

and guys are, you can't, like, what's gonna be walking out of that room a year later? You got a better chance of that fucking robot not fucking twisting your head around. We were watching, in college, we were watching Real Sex on HBO, and they were, they showed it, it was the first time we ever saw like a like a real

robot fuck toy like a like it was as a woman and it would it would like and this guy had one he had a he had a outdoor screened in porch and it was sitting on his outdoor screened in porch and he was like he was having a cocktail and they'd had a cocktail in front of it and we were all like this like like what the fuck and one of my buddies was on the corner of the couch smoking a cigarette and he's just very like under to himself but a little loud so we could hear he just goes do you know how weird you could get with that thing and we just fell apart laughing like where where's your head like Like, going like, there's a lot of shit I'm going to do. He might already be there before he goes in a room, but you or I would end up there after a year, dude.

It's just like anything. You're just starting at different. I swear to God, dude, if I had a robot sex doll at my age, all I would want it to do is while I lay on the couch watching TV, it just rubs my head telling me everything's going to be okay. That's all I would do with it. Give me a back rub and just be like, you know, I really appreciate you. You think about those kids, though, all the sex they've seen on,

they've seen professionals do it. When I was a kid, i was a kid i remember i still remember the first time i did doggy style and was like whoa like holy shit this is crazy like i have a vivid remember and i was thinking about that today for whatever reason i remember where i was and i remember i remember exactly where i was the first time that happened. I remember the coffee table, Bert. You were on the coffee table? We had our hands on the coffee table.

Oh, my God. I remember that. Dude, I'm telling you. Dude, these teenage kids who, like, they've never even had sex with a human being yet and have had so much sex that when they say when a woman or whatever they're into touches them, their body doesn't respond, meaning they can't get it up because they've gone to that level. Dude, I stopped watching porn in May. I had one slip up about a week ago.

And then I was almost going to go back again the other day. And I said, don't do it. And I didn't. And I feel like that's a huge thing. And I'll be fine. I just don't want to be a part of that world anymore man yeah there's I got to the point I wasn't doing anything I was just watching it and I was watching the game within the game I started thinking how they could make it better and just like why is the production value

so why is the acting so bad I just i started thinking or like why would somebody do that yeah i was like watching it you know like after a while you watch so much stand-up you stop laughing and you're up there going like oh that joke worked because he did this yeah this is oh he could build on that or she could do this and you're not even laughing and they get out oh dude hilarious that was hilarious you you get like you're like a jaded comic but with like porn oh i i've ever seen a girl in porn and you're like you're like wait why is she doing this like she could just fall in love with a rich guy like you're too pretty for that like i get some girls in porn where i go yeah i get it i i can see the the broken part of you that you did I get some of

them and then you see some where you're like like I would have dated you like I would have married you like what like how why why you there's this girl her name's uh her name's something peach what's her name something peach is it peach Nina peach porn star oh by the way why watch this i'm gonna i'm gonna i'm gonna say voice into google what it is and i bet she comes up porn star massage table peach rita peach her name's Rita Peach. Is she an Allman Brothers fan? She is fucking awesome, dude.

She is so fucking hot. And all I can think is, what skill sets doesn't she have that put her in that situation? In my head, I go, she can't speak English. There's no way she speaks English. there's there's it's impossible for her to speak english she's got great teeth perfect body beautiful smile she looks like fucking uh like uh what's anne hathaway she's a gorgeous woman rita peach but for whatever reason she ended up in porn and i'm not i'm not look maybe that's her choice i don't think it's her i mean i don't know whatever but i just go how did she end up there like she could have she could have been a nurse

like the hottest nurse and the doctor would fall in love with her and then like you know how funny it is picturing you sitting there with your dick in your hand and then watching this woman come across as he's like no you didn't need to end up here she's fucking dudes that don't even like like she could gotten better like it's rita peach is so do you see a picture of her oh i didn't i didn't look it up look at her she's beautiful she's beautiful she's wholesome she's gorgeous and by the way she can fuck like maybe her talent is like, she really brings it. I mean, her hand jobs are shit. I fantasize.

She does this like, and I'm just like, why? I want to send those videos to my wife and go, Hey, just, you know, watch a game tape.

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Yeah. Yeah. I don't know. The whole thing is a uh yeah by the way i i forget that you talk shit about real humans and they hear it sometimes and you and then you go like rita peach someone will be like hey man they talked about you on the show and then she's gonna be like fuck off man go fuck yourself why did you become a comedian oh i guess you said how did you end up there like yeah like it's a bad thing it's not a bad thing i've jerked off to her non-stop a million times i i talked shit about this uh dude porn star owen

gray one time and i was like i didn't even realize i was doing it i was like dude the guy's amazing he's got a big dick but i bet he's one of those small guys that like the dick looks big on him because he's tiny i forget it totally right i get a a DM from him on Instagram or on Twitter, and all it says is, I'm 6'3". And I'm like, oh, fuck. I didn't know you'd hear that. Well, there you go. There you go.

There you have it. Hey, I haven't heard that Tom Cruise rant yet, but I'm going to say he was 100% in the right. Every time I see that, that Christian Bale rant, he was 100% in the right. It's like, I'm going to sit here and drop fucking 60 pounds or put on 40 pounds, and I'm going to bring it this hard, and I'm doing this fucking scene,

and that guy just disappears into the character, and I got to deal with some jerk off walking around in the background. Like, what the fuck are you doing? And then as far as this shit, like they're so strict on these shoots and they give you the answer to the test. Just do what the fuck they tell you. This thing won't get shut down. All you guys are going to work and we're going to get through this thing. And like the fact, I just say in the, the fucking worm that put that out, you want to

talk about like breaking the rules of, of like, like, like this whole bullshit now on, on social media where you want to be the one that, that like leak stuff out and everything so you can get more friends is really is really, I don't know. I liked that I grew up when I grew up where it was just like, hey man, that stays in the locker room. We solve this amongst ourselves. That goes to that shit I was talking about on Rogan

where comics trashing other comics on social media. I mean, maybe I've been guilty because I made fun of somebody who did it. I've been guilty. I've been guilty. Ridiculousness of what they were doing. And then all it caused was other comics to defend that person that come in on me.

And then I just tapped out going like, I didn't want to do this. I was just trying to show how ridiculous. I'm guilty of that. And just, you know, if someone's, you know, got some sort of mini scandal going on and you use it as an opportunity to go after their like i love how it first it starts about the issue and then quickly devolves

into the person's act and stuff and it's just like oh so is it about the issue or your bitterness about where you are in this business and this person was getting more spots than you and you didn't think that was fair oh i've seen i've seen i've seen uh people shit on i saw one time i won't name names but i saw one time a female comedian shit on a male comedian and it started to go viral and then she she she she responded to her own tweet so that it came up next i didn didn't know this was going to go this big. If you guys could check out my special on YouTube, I'd really appreciate it.

And give me a follow. And I'm like, ooh, that's a bad look. But here's the deal. The whole thing is, did you see that Smokey Robinson thing? No. Smokey Robinson, like, you can do this thing now where you pay a famous legend like him to wish you Merry Christmas or whatever.

So he's doing it right. Cause I'm sure, you know, like all of us, he was probably doing the fucking road and his year went away. So he needs the money. So he goes ahead and does it. I just realized I have this fucking mic all the way over here now.

So he goes ahead and he does this and shut the thing off god damn it bill it's on all right um and he goes this is what he said he goes whatever uh message for uh burt uh so and so wants you to wish you a happy chenuka uh whatever that is and he just kept doing it whatever he didn't know what the fuck it was, right? The guy's like 80 years old. And then this person, it was a private video, posts it. It was just a classic no good deed goes unpunished. And I love that somebody on Twitter wrote, you know, this is kind of shitty. Okay, he fucked it up, but like he still did it.

And now you're going to try to make the guy look like an asshole. I actually like the comment it's like somebody at least kind of gets it happy chanuka and he's like i don't know what that is but happy and he was still being nice and he was he didn't know what chanuka was but he was still being a good guy can't that just be enough it's got to be like om OMG, did Smokey Robinson really just do this? By the way, guys, here's my Instagram page. And blah, blah, blah, blah. It just becomes that every fucking time.

Chinooka, whatever the fuck. Yeah, happy Chinooka. It's so funny. I can picture it in a Smokey Robinson voice. Hey, everybody. Smokey Robinson here. Happy Chinooka, whatever the fuck. I shouldn't have brought it up. You. Smokey Robinson here. Happy Chinooka. I shouldn't have brought it up. You're missing the point here.

The point is he was nice enough to do it. He mispronounced it. Dude, how much shit do I mispronounce on this? Give the guy a break. Oh, that's so good. I love Smokey Robinson. Smokey Robinson is fucking amazing. His Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer is my favorite.

Hey, Rudolph! Like it's in a bad neighborhood. The cameo app, man, people are making bank from it. The guy... The best guy ever. The best fucking guy who goes all out like he does when he's on stage. If you want a happy birthday, it's Sebastian Bach. I thought you were going to say Maniscalco.

I was like, shut the fuck up. No, Sebastian Bach is like, I like, I think I favorited every one of his birthday wishes. Really? He doesn't just say, hey, man, I'm a famous rock star. Happy birthday, blah, blah, blah. He makes like 20-minute videos. He's showing you his house he's talking about albums and like yeah it's just it's just it's it's one of my favorite things on

instagram is sebastian bach wishing somebody happy birthday how much he gives a shit god he did one that's the other one he did did one that viral where he was uh somebody's dad passed away and he did this whole thing about how terrible it is like when your dad passed away and it was like like you said 15 20 minutes of the most touching like couldn't have been better written uh thing yeah yeah just a solid uh solid dude dude i saw them on their first tour on new year's eve in the boston garden december 31st 1989 i believe it had to have been because i've been arrested for drinking and driving because my buddy had to drive me to this show his his his cameos are $500. They should be. They're $500.

It's like $10 a minute. He does like an hour. Wow, they're $500. He's making bank. I was going to get you one for Christmas. Oh, yeah, you ain't spending $500 on me. I'm not spending $500 on Sebastian Bach. You should do it. What do you mean?

I'd spend $500. I'm going to do it for you. I'll not spending 500 bucks on Sebastian Bach. You should do. What do you mean? I'd spend 500 bucks. I'm going to do it for you. I'll get you Sebastian Bach for Christmas. This is... Cameo's not a bad idea. I saw him December 31st, 1989 in the Boston Garden opening

up for Aerosmith and he absolutely fucking destroyed. This is going to be awesome. I'll tell you right now, that guy's SNL when he sings Monkey Business. Yeah. Oh, my God. I've talked about this before on this podcast. That's one of the hardest I've ever seen anybody rip on on a tv show ever i got high with sebastian bach

like once again i just said i'm not gonna fucking say that and then all of a sudden i'm like god damn it although it's a good story it's a good story i'll's a good story. I'll never do it again. Yeah. You like, you're, you walk amongst the people. I mean, if that's what you want to do. But at some point, man, you got to like, you got to understand. You got kids and shit. And there's fucking weirdos out there. There's fucking weirdos. Yeah, there are weirdos.

Most people are cool. You know, most people are cool. All right. Let's go back. All right. that cut that out jesus bird jesus bird um well then i gotta i gotta ask now well i'm not gonna ask wait ask no i'm not gonna ask i didn't fuck her i never called her. I'm that guy. I'm that guy that like,

I like the, I think the story is better than the actual doing it sometimes. Like the story, that whole story I just told you, for me, that's it. I'm good. I'm done. I don't need to,

I don't need to like, like, you liked the last episode of the Sopranos. Yeah. Actually, I never saw the Sopranos, but yeah, I know what that is. I actually liked it. Really? I didn't like the fact that, you know, after saying all those names,

that nothing happened. Anyway. Well, when are we going to have a scarf? you watch that Monday Night Football game? Browns and Ravens? dude, can I tell you I feel like Johnny Manziel should have, not Johnny Manziel Breaker Mayfield

I feel like he should have gotten a win also, you know what I mean? I felt at some point that they should have addressed how horrific the defense was in the final three minutes of the game or address the fact that they have so changed the rules to tip it in favor of offenses. Like I was talking to my podcast, how like back in the day, Joe Montana just had to be Joe Montana at the, at the end of the game, two minutes left,

he drive down inevitably score a touchdown, or Elway would do it, Marino, or whatever. And then the defense would come out, maybe give up a first down, and then the team would have to punt it away. Then the quarterback just came out, took a knee three times, and the game was over. Dude, that was like watching people

play in a fucking video game. I mean, with the score, when Baker Mayfield takes it down the field to tie it up, okay? And then Lamar Jackson starts driving his team. Dude, what are you shaking your head about? Dude, two Cleveland Brown corners bumped into each other like they were in the Keystone Cops, and they let the receiver get behind them. That's what the fucking story is of that play it's not Lamar Jackson takes him down the field it's just like what the fuck was that that's the but Lamar Jackson Raiders Jets like Lamar Jackson really is fun to watch he really is fun like I like, I love, I love a game like that because I

don't really have a team that I'm rooting for, but I love Baker Mayfield and I love Lamar Jackson. Was I just speaking a different language? At what point did I say Lamar Jackson wasn't great? It wasn't a fun game. I'm talking about when it's tied with under two minutes left and somehow a receiver is down the field, 10 yards, 15 yards away from any other team person on the other fucking team the story there is not the quarterback it's not all you have to do is somebody needs to get fired a cut what the that is the worst fucking but they are just so into just selling the offense the offense the offense that it's just like, dude, that was like watching a game of tennis. It was just up and down the fucking field like hockey without the red line now.

Because hockey is just like hockey. Three scores in two minutes? It was insane. And the only reason why Baker Mayfield didn't just drive right down the fucking field, he didn't have enough time. Yeah. Like, no NFL game is over now until there's, like, maybe I would say, like, in the team, like, 11 seconds left.

But if you have, like, 24 seconds left, somehow there's going to be a 40-yard fucking pass and then a quick out for another 15 yards, and they're going to kick a field goal. So, I don't know. I like the whole game. I'm not just like, oh, just score a zillion points. Like, that type of football is for the casual fan. That's how I watch soccer. To me, a good game of

soccer is five to four. I was going to say six to eight. Yeah. Eight to six. Yeah. That'll get an American watching that fucking like me to get to watch that game because I'm not into the sport. If I watched it a lot lot I could totally get into a one nil game but that's that's how you know you don't you're not really understanding the game is when you get excited watching like no fucking defense like I was just sitting there going like that's also why I don't gamble man I do a little bit but like i just can't imagine losing that game like if you were oh well the spread you know the spread was three and a half okay it was three you had the fucking ravens and every time you thought lamar won it and then baker mayfield came back like how much you would

age and then the end when they were going for the field goal you're now rooting for them to miss it because you're going to lose your bet and then somewhere along the line you actually start personally hating either the coach of the Ravens or Lamar Jackson like I you know I watched my friends go through that who really got into gambling like would like, you know, hate certain players because they fucked them on a bet. But wait, hold on. Wasn't that game, correct me if I'm wrong, Andrew,

but the spread was three and that safety pushed them over. That safety at the end. Did that safety count? Yes, it definitely counted. And so that fucked the spread you won the game you won the game you're like good we're done we're done they're not gonna make it we're good we're good then they do that old fucking flea flicker and you're watching it move backwards going like oh fuck no oh please fuck no are you fucking kidding me drop the just take a fucking

knee and then safety in the end zone bro that would say i literally first thing i tweeted was please tell me the spread wasn't fucking three oh yeah yeah no yeah anytime there's that there's that stupid fucking all that play at the end of the game where they have the punter run out the back of the end zone dude it's just like you know the nfl claims that they're against domestic violence but they let those punters do that it's just like the i just you know it's funny you only hear about the person who loses that bet i want to see the video of the person who's sitting there going like oh my god i just lost my week's pay and then the to see the video of the person who's sitting there going like, oh my God,

I just lost my week's pay and then the punter runs out of the back of the end zone. I like seeing people win, dude. I don't like seeing the losing there. Anyway, are you done on the road for the year?

I'm done until June. Yeah, I'm done for the foreseeable future. I can't do any outdoor shows. It's too cold. Because I'm fucking shirtless. You know something? I did that eight-day tour outside just in Texas. Texas gets cold, but it doesn't get cold, cold.

And just being out in the elements like that, man, I was just sitting there going like, if this was an outdoor game, this standup shit, there's no, I would be writing for another comic at my age at this point. Oh yeah. I would have gone out there with the giant snowsuit on. I figure, I figure I get myself. It bums me out.

Cause I'm right. I've been writing material because my brain's still in stand-up because I just got off the road. But I figure I can be pretty healthy. I'm going to try to go six months without – not without drinking. I'm going to have a drink, but without getting drunk, like without getting fucking wasted. Like just – I'll have a drink.

I want to try that whiskey. You're going to drink like an adult. That's amazing because there are so many great alcohols am i saying that right yeah alcohols for some reason that didn't sound like the right word so many great alcohols out there like incredible bottles of wine you know that whiskey you were talking about what cigar are you gonna have when we do a socially distant scar what scar are to have? Do you already have it planned out? You know, somebody sent me this amazing box of Davidoffs, of just like the whole smorgasbord of what they have.

They have some great cigars. I might go down, though, because I have a lot of the La Auroras. The people in Austin hooked me up with a box of like a mix of the rubies, the emeralds, and the sapphires. But I still think I might go to my buddy in Hollywood and go get – he has some nice cigars. I'm not going to say the name of it because i want

to be able to get over there and get one can i tell you what i used the other day and i don't think they're a sponsor today but i used thompson cigar i was buying cigars for my brother-in-law bro they've got everything they really do have everything and i got i ended up i ended up buying like i want to say like 500 worth of cigars just, I was like, you just start adding them. You're like fucking Olivas are great. Oh, there's an Oliva, the fucking. What do you, which Oliva do you, I'm not too familiar with those. I know one of them won cigar of the year.

Which one do you like? Series five. I just Googled it. It's a great box. Oliva, I'll pull it up. Watch this. Oliva. Series five, Milano.

Okay. You know, I do it. I, I. These right here. Watch this. Oliva. Series 5, Melanio. Okay. You know, I do it. These right here. I just have a creature, a habit. Okay. They're really fucking great.

I just bought my brother-in-law. I like the Davidoffs. I like the La Aurora's. I like the Nubs. I'll tell you what I bought. I bought a box of Padron 7000s, which is my, on Thompson cigars.

I wish they were sponsored for this because this would be so organic, but I bought a box of Padron 7000s, which is my, on Thompson cigars. I wish they were sponsored for this because this would be so organic. But I bought a box of them, good price, and you can never find the 7000s. And I'm telling you, Bill, I'll give you one of those cigars and just have it. It's the easiest smoke, draws so easy, and it tastes phenomenal. It's my favorite cigar. That and Bobby Kelly turn me on to Tatuajes oh yeah yeah I haven't tried one of those yet

let me look those up here I think no wait I might have tried wait let me see Thompson did not have Tatuaje let's see if they can read my gringos oh no they did have them they didn't want Tatuaje?

T-A-T-U-G. Oh, I got it. I got it. Images. Okay. I've never tried those. You know what? Al Ducharme came over to my house one day, and he introduced me.

I forget the cigar, but he had a great one. He had a great one he had a great one so i said come on over i got cigars and he showed up and brought his own and then waved off what i was giving him i was like oh shit i asked for the fastball he's like ah we were doing we were doing a read uh like a we have a i have a tv show coming out jan January 7th on TBS at 9 PM, the go big show. And we were doing a read, uh, me and Snoop. And, uh, and I thought it'd be funny to have a cigar on one hand and have a blunt in the other. Right. So, and I was, the whole joke is we were drinking and I was like, he's like, you double fisted. And I was like, I am.

And I pulled up the blunt and I was like, this is what you gave me. And he was like, Oh shit. And so I, as a joke, I fucking lit it and I hit it on accident. Not even thinking. I just hit it. And all of a sudden I'm like, Oh shit, it's one o'clock in the afternoon and I'm high as fuck. And I was like, Oh, I did not plan this out. Like I just, it was, it caught me off guard. It was one of Snoop's blunts and i and i could feel it in my face and then i had to have a cigar i had to do a podcast with um peanut from uh from 311 and i i

ended up having to have a cigar to cut like not to calm down but just to be like all right we're good we're fine we can talk we're normal but man I was – one hit, one hit, and I was – because I was trying to do a thing where I took the hit and then blew it into the camera. But instinctually, I took the hit and inhaled it, like not thinking, oh, I don't need to inhale it. This is just a bit. And then I put it out.

I put it out, and I was like, I'll save this for later. This is a really good blunt. Yeah. I can't smoke weed, dude. I just feel after three times of doing it, I feel like my lungs can't have the same air capacity. So I occasionally have a gummy. I'm just not – I'm not into – I mean, I do enough, you know,

a couple cigars a month. That's enough. I put the smoke. I like that you're back on cigars. So what is it? How many do you have a month? Because I've been I was quit as long as you were quit pretty

much I quit for the whole pandemic but I recently it was my go to in December to kind of tap out at the end of a day and go I'm going to enjoy a sunset I'm going to slow it down I'm going to do like I don't you know what is really nice listen to the calm app

and having a cigar and get the daily meditation where they go all right today we're gonna talk about lighthouses and you're like okay um yeah no i i i was doing great until june and then it went off the rails then i got it back on the rails in July, went off the rails in August. I gave up in September and October. Then I did better in November and then December has been good. Like I haven't smoked a lot, but like I just get into these, like I just need four days, four days of not doing something. Then I got a streak going, then I'm fine. But like, I mean,

I got gotta do something so i smoked a couple this month uh but you know when i did that tour i didn't i didn't do anything you know weed isn't legal in texas so i wasn't with that these guys don't play around out there so i didn't do any of that. Did Drake, did, I smoked one cigar the last, between the last, right before the last show and I got you yawning. Yeah, God.

So where are we going to have a cigar? Your house or mine? It should be called the shit I used to do. Shit I used to do. What's that? So when, when?

Where are we going to do a cigar? Can we do it on the roof of the comedy store? Uh, I don't see why not i think they let us up there uh well yeah that's right it's not open well like um it would be nice to be up there taking a look at and i'd get it i'd be at a big fucking remember this i flew over it the other day i was flying with a buddy of mine and i just like cruising right down sunset yeah looking at all

the sick ass houses there's a house over there with jfk when you go past the soho house with jfk and jackie kennedy they they had their honeymoon and it's also the house kevin costner whitney houston i guess i never seen that movie but the bodyguard i know that house i know that house dude that house is over there man it's fucking there's like like levels of like these they're just the pools just to look at that then leads to the pool it's insane the house is fucking insane there's a couple like that over there there's one out by the eagle rock that i look at that has a pool in the front yard in the backyard. I just look at like that type of stuff but I was coming right down it and they've so built up that area because they used to just be the Rock and Roll Hyatt and then the House of Blues. You could see

the Comedy Store. Now it's like nestled in there because that thing that they built across the streets, you almost got to be over it to see it now. Yeah. built across the streets you almost got to be over it to see it now yeah and uh yeah flew right down there went up the uh the pch up to malibu there's a little fire on the 405 saw that yeah so the helicopter going around we just stayed south of them went up and then came back man just had a great time great time god we almost bought a house when we were looking at houses a while ago there was a house that had three acres but it was on a it was on a hill right so that it was not a ton of land where the house was but there was a house it was a nice

an okay backyard but it was up on a hill and they said just so you know you can build on that you can dig into the mountain and build on that and they had had plans for building like a pool like all this stuff on the mountain and i with i i with if with no all the money in the world meaning like i money's no object i thought that would be the coolest fucking house to be able to have like a like have a workout room like i was like build your turn that regular house into like a workout room build your house on top the mountain then have a pool on the next level and then have a tennis court or something you know like i go just layer it out and so you're walking down and it would it would have been astronomically for all of that you gotta buy all You're going to send yourself to a life on the road. I'm working to not work.

I keep like, I'm fighting all of this, all of this dumb shit that when you, you, you start doing well, and then you just start buying all of this other shit. Then you got to like, I'm kind of like trying to do a minimalist thing after I kind of followed the herd.

And I have a zillion hoodie sweatshirts. I'm like, what the fuck am I going to do all of these and then they're like you know whenever you do like an acting gig they give you one and then it becomes sentimental and you're like fuck so I don't know I I think like dude I'm telling you man live a simple life simple life what are your dumb friends that's gonna go fucking buy one with the pool and the tennis court all you gotta do is show up with a pair of shorts and a racket, a 12 pack and you're all good. And then he can fucking deal with, now he has the tennis court guy. Fucking tennis court guy, he's supposed to come here Tuesday, the fucking net is sagging. And that becomes your life. Dude, there's people, they buy a house

so big, they have to have a manager for their house. Whoa. they have a manager for their house whoa like he just handles the i was talking to somebody the other day and they were talking about somebody who collected so many like comic books or something there was a guy whose job was was to manage this person's collection of comic books that was their job and And it's just like, like I was having like, like shortness of breath dealing with like that level of infrastructure for something so fucking stupid. Wow.

Like you just sentenced yourself and now you gotta get this guy a Christmas card. Do I send him a fucking family Christmas card with, do I give him 50 bucks, a hundred, what do I give him the end of the fucking, it's just another thing you got to deal with. The holidays,

a time to decompress and be with your families. You're sitting there going, okay, I got the tennis court guy. I got the guy who manages my fucking bobblehead collection. I got the guy who just starts up all of my cars. So they're charged. Fuck that. Lean and mean brother lean and

mean i got hey i you know what i did i i planned a big trip january 1st real expensive trip and then i decided not to do it i feel like i saved a ton of money i felt like it was like it was really nice i said to leanna so we could do do this. She went, I think it's bad. We're in a quarantine. Let's just stay home. And I was like, deal. I was like, wow, I just saved 10 grand. That's awesome.

Yeah. Yeah, nice. Guys, we're staying home. We're going to watch Tenet tonight. What's better than being home? Nothing. Nothing's better than being home, Bill. Nothing is better than being home.

There's no last call. You're with the people you love. home nothing nothing's better than being home bill nothing is better than being home there's no last call you're with the people you love you can hit pause on the sex with your underwear what's better than home nothing is better nothing is better than going where the fuck you going all right we should go on vacation when i had an apartment yeah well yeah when you have an apartment a vacation is fucking nice amazing because you're going to a nicer apartment than yours yeah you're just going to a nice fucking hotel and you want to get away from the all this new york the grind and shit yeah and all i wanted to do all i wanted was quiet that's all i was

trying to go to like half the time you know one of my favorite vacations, I would just go home to my parents' house. I would just go back to my hometown in the trees and just hanging out in the quiet and hitting my old food spots. Place where they used to take us to get ice cream or like the pizza parlor I would go to. You know, I'd always gain weight or whatever because I'd be eating the old steak and cheese and shit like when I was a kid. But like I enjoyed one of the best whatever because I'd be eating the old steak and cheese and shit like when I was a kid. But I enjoyed one of the best vacations I ever had. I went to a lake in New Hampshire with Nia early on. Really?

Yeah, and we went all out. And we got the Captain's Lodge, which was basically just a giant one-bedroom apartment. It overlooked this lake. And it was all, you know, it was just, it was was all you know it was just it was fucking you know regular people you know nobody here's gonna go like oh let's go to the caribbean it was just like no we don't have money like that we're gonna go to this lake i didn't have money like that we went there we got fucking you know got drunk every night, hung out, swam in the lake. I love swimming in a lake. No sharks. A lake in the north.

A lake in the north's good. Fucking Florida lakes suck. Oh, yeah. Reptiles. Fuck that. Fuck reptiles. Fuck reptiles, dude. You got a pay-per-view of reptiles.

You got pythons battling it out with alligator, top-level predators, and I'm going gonna walk out there looking like a fucking chicken that got plucked i ain't fucking doing that so i that's the thing underrated i used to do my podcast overrated underrated a late vacation underrated you might run into some meth i'm'm not going to lie here. Depends on where you go. But like, I really feel like people in like New Hampshire, Maine, Minnesota. Wisconsin. Yeah. That's God's country, man.

You got hunting, fishing. You got the trees. You got the greenery. You got this great like. And I like that there's a winner in all of that shit. So like summer special like we gotta we gotta enjoy this because we'll be freezing our balls off and then when they're freezing their balls off somebody's got a ski mobile or some shit that's fun to be had you know

god now i want to go peninsula michigan's one of the best times i ever had upper peninsula yeah i used to do this gig up there that was a college, and they used to have these. Every year when I would do it, the fraternities would have the best snow fort competition. And one of the fraternities, it was the smart kids, the mathletes, the engineers, and they would build a two, three-story fucking snow fort

with electricity and shit. It was fucking insane. It was insane. i go up there and do this gig beginning with an h i want to say the town was one of the big ones and i made the mistake the first time i i did the gig i flew into detroit thinking upper peninsula of michigan and i didn't realize it went all the way over lake michigan over to Wisconsin, and I should have landed in Milwaukee. And, dude, I had to drive like a fucking lunatic. I had to drive like 80 miles an hour for like nine hours or something to get up there.

I got to find this gig. Yeah, where is it? Or maybe with an M, like Marquette or something. Oh, no, Marquette's definitely Wisconsin. That's in Milwaukee, I think. Upper Peninsula. Upper Peninsula. Oh, I know where it is, Bill.

I know where it is. Hold on. Mackinac City? Might have been that. Mackinac City is where we went. We went to the island, Mackinac Island. I think Mackinac Island is a – Mackinac Island is where we went we went to the island Mackinac Island I think Mackinac Island is a Mackinac Island is where we went Bill and we took a plane and the kid flying it goes hey man you want to

take off and I was like what and he's like come on why don't you why don't you fly it for a little bit you take off and I was like what he was like it's real easy I'll show you and he didn't I did the takeoff and I flew a little bit and he landed it and on the ride back i did the same thing i did the takeoff flew a little bit and he landed it this and he was a kid he was like maybe i swear to god he was maybe 18 years old and he was flying us from mackinac mackinac to mackinac island normally you could just take snowmobiles across the ice but the ice wasn't steady they are for whatever reason and so we had to fly it. Mackinac Island, Bill, is... I didn't do that gig. I found the thing.

Where is it? I think it was this. Marinette. Something began with an M. I don't know. It was so long ago. It was so long ago. Whatever that bridge was

that I fucking went over on the 75. Yeah, 75. The Mackinac Bridge. Dude, there were so many varmints that ran out in front of my car after I got over that bridge. I don't even know what half of them were. I think I saw a fox and then there was just a bunch of other shit too. We're going way long here, man. I got another Zoom call I got to do here.

Let's wrap this up. What are you looking at? You got an inquisitive look. I'm looking at your, I'm looking at, you know, to button this, our first episode we did, I talked to you about a Yelp review I wrote and I wrote that Yelp review in Mackinac Island.

That was the best BLT I've ever had in my life and I wrote that BLT review in Mackinac Island. That was the best BLT I've ever had in my life. And I wrote that BLT review in Mackinac, in not in Mackinac, in Mackinac, Michigan. And it was the best fucking BLT I've ever had. Dude, you know what? There's a city in Canada. I fucking hate carrot cake. I hate it. Okay. It's one of those go fuck yourselves desserts dude i still think about the carrot cake i had i you know what my agent has like all the lists of places that i played i was somewhere me and versi did three weeks in canada i brought my hockey stuff i was playing pickup hockey outside really we were having the best we had the best fucking time. This was another one. Where the fuck was it?

Another one of those M-town. Moncton. Moncton. Dude, we fucking went there, and there was some bar, and I just wanted a dessert. I probably ate something really salty, and all they had was carrot cake, and I was like, ah, fuck it. I'll have the carrot cake.

I'll eat half of it. And I ate it, and I was like, this is, like have the carrot cake I'll eat half of it and I ate it and I was like this is this like Berzy actually called me like a month ago we were talking he goes dude remember that carrot cake we had in Canada dude I'm telling you this was like eight years ago we're still talking about it like I got to go back there and what was funny was during the day it was a place you could bring your kids and your wife and it was awesome and everything. And then at night it was like Jekyll and Hyde. It was just, these fucking people were hammered, fun hammered, Canada hammered, right? Yeah. Yeah. Having a good time, but you know, somebody, you know, there might be a, might be a fight or something, but they were fucking lit. And I remember I was like, dude, we got to get out get out of here man because it was like the first night of this tour that was a fun one man we went over to like halifax we were in nova

scotia and we worked our way all the way then back across to vancouver and like that island or some shit we just we played everywhere and when ended up going back to calgary in calgary they were fucking animals at this place animals calgary is awesome dude calgary they were not fucking around yeah just that's one of the drunkest crowds i've ever been in front of uh like i mean I'm talking like you're on stage and you're hearing that sound of bottles tipping over and then rolling. I was just like, all right, man, this is the deal. I always felt like Alberta was like the Texas of Canada. It's a big oil place. Oil and cattle. And like, there's something about when you're in those businesses,

it's that tough businesses. So when you get to blow off steam, dude, you just like, it's, you don't, you just kind of go like this with the rag to not burn your hand. And then the cat goes flying off.

That's what those people were like. It was fun, but I was worn out and it was the last show. And it's just like, oh man, I am not in super drunk crowd shape right now. But, uh, but they were,

they were fun. All right, dude, let's wrap this up here, man. Cause I, I got, I got other stuff I have to do.

Perfect. I got to take a shit. Okay. And with that, everybody, thus ends another wonderful episode of the bill. Pod cast. All right, brother. Great to talk to you as always

and i can't wait to smoke a cigar with you and uh about how lucky we are to live the life that we do all right all right everybody i hope you're also living the life you want to live like me and my buddy bird here all right we'll talk to you later.