The Bill Bert Podcast - The Bill Bert Podcast | Episode 43

Episode Date: January 6, 2021

Bill and Bert prattle about houses vs homes, movies, and meeting politicians.

Hey, what's going on, everybody? It is time for another wonderful episode of The Bill. Burt. Pod. Past. What's going on? Happy New Year. Happy New Year to you.

I have not drank at all this year. That's awesome. You know, one of my New Year's resolutions, I was not going to spill a glass of water on the carpet i always put it on the floor i get so mad at myself and i gotta do all this stuff and uh january 2nd january 2nd really knocked it right over because this is my new go-to is i i'm just going to be drinking out of this and i put the the screw top on. I got the little kids tips over. No problem. Yeah. And, you know, we don't we don't have a big living room.

We got a little living room TV area. So everybody's sort of on top of each other. So inevitably, you know, I don't have it. There's like a table behind the fucking thing. It's just a pain in the ass. So I always put it on the floor and I spill it. Then my wife gets on me like how many times bill i keep telling you we have coasters and blah blah blah and it's like i don't know it's like i'm addicted to doing it so that's my big that's

how boring my life is right now bert not everyone's is that boring right now. Mine's fucking monotonous. I haven't left. I have not left the house this year yet. That's good. We actually went out and looked at a house that I knew we both knew. Yeah, we're not going to fucking buy a house in the middle of a pandemic with no gigs on the road. One of the best houses I've been to. So, exactly.

So, I fucking, we just wanted to go look at it just to fucking look at it you know get some ideas what just get out of the fucking house right yeah yeah yeah so we go there and um I wasn't really into it but my wife like loved the thing but um but it was it was actually a cool thing to do in the afternoon because it was just us two real estate agents everybody had masks on we were just checking it out oh yeah wow this is great when was it made I gotta tell you this even if I had the money even if I had gigs and shit the second they go this is a smart house and they give me an iPad and I have to click on an app to open my curtains it's just like i i'm i'm out of here oh yeah yeah because well you

know that's gonna you know that's gonna age out in like six months and you're gonna god damn it why do we it's gonna be like having a vcrs put into the wall remember when do you remember in college and you go into someone's room he's like and it's tiny as shit he's like take a look at that television into the wall and you're like yeah but what's that huge protrusion away from that wall like oh that's all the gear all the gears back there i keep it in the closet that's a real safe place keep all my like by the way i lied i have left the house i have left the house i have i went to the beach and to the mountains with the girls just to literally drive there, see the sunset, drive there and see the sunrise in the mountains and in the beach. We drove out to the beach and we just stayed away from people.

There wasn't a lot of people out there. This is my favorite time of year to go to the beach when it's cold as shit and everybody's got clothes on. So we went out there and, you know, yeah. I mean, dude, that's why I never got into golf or going to the beach. I mean, look what I'm working with. My favorite time would go to the beach where you wear a snow jacket. Yeah. No, I love it.

You feel like an old sea captain? The waves are heavy today. Heavy? High today. Whatever the hell you'd say. But just been doing shit like that but uh it's weird my me and my wife are getting along great because i'm doing stuff like that because i was like all right let's do that we'll go out and go get a burger or

something and i figured burger joint was closed so um but it was funny she like totally fell in love with the house women are hilarious interesting listen look at these drawers they're this giant walk-in closet with a million drawers that were all like this deep and i'm like what can i put i put like one sweater like what is this is just dude we looked at the house thing that i hated was the master bedroom the master baths were almost as big as all of the kids rooms put together so what are you telling your kids yeah oh you're godlike you aren't shit we looked at a house one time before we bought and we ended up we ended up buying a house and we're trying to redo it but it's been forever we one of our workers just got uh tested positive for covid so everything shut

down for two weeks and he by the way he wasn wasn't even on our set, but he had crossed – like, you know, from the construction company, one of their workers technically, but we know the guy. He tested positive, so everything shut down for two weeks. It's a nightmare. Totally cool with it. But we went and looked at houses before that, and, you know, I have a fear of elevators.

I have a fear of being stuck in elevators and this was a house uh south of the boulevard which means south of entero boulevard for those you listening it's a little more expensive and it was in the hills and the house was built into the hill and so you parked in the parking garage and then you got in an elevator and an elevator took you up to your house and i was like fuck this immediately just means they shouldn't have put a house there yeah and i go those houses in the hills stink oh we're all fucking jammed in and then there's a guy above you and somebody over there and you gotta fucking and there's always these weird like sort of ways to get up

into the fucking house and i always just feel like if you live up in the hills you're sitting up there all the fuck way up there winding your way up there and then you're like ah fuck i need butter and you got to go all the way back down fucking elevator go all the way there were some stairs that went up like this and by the way if you had said to me at 27 was this the house i want to live in 100 i hundred percent. I'm fucking there. But I'm at 46. I'm looking at this house and I'm going, this is not, this isn't doable. And it was great.

Had a great pool. Had it, but you know, obviously there's a house above it. So that anytime it rains, all their garbage slides into your yard. And so I say to Leanne, I go, I can can't i can't get in an elevator every time i got something in head i can't i'm gonna get stuck in the elevator i'll have a panic attack she goes honey you're never gonna get stuck in this elevator her words to god's ear we hear ring ring ring isla's stuck in the elevator at an open house they had to have lapd come out or la fire department come out to get her out it took forever and we and the girls still wanted the house but we never got it i was like fuck that

and then the house i thought it was overpriced and then it sold for that price i don't understand where people have money how do people make money i'm fucking shocked anyone makes money like how the fuck do they make money i feel like i make ridiculous money and i have no fucking money like where the fuck do they make money hey well if you live in california they take all of it dude i'll tell you this we went and looked at this place which was it was just it was fucking ridiculous right we just looked at it knowing we weren't gonna go so let's just walk around this amazing house right give me give me hints of like where was it like what you may move you may may buy it but like like is it no intentions of buying it was it was it was uh it was east of la it was out that way i always

get confused once you get past pasadena i don't know what it is so it was out that way you're talking about this steve burns old house oh is it now you know this thing was like some brand new thing they just redone it looked really really cool, look really clean or whatever. So, you know, my wife wants to do it. So, yeah, let's go do it. So we go do it. And what killed me. Was let's say even I was working, let's say even if I had money. Yeah, it's like I'm going to be on the road until I'm 70 trying to pay this thing off. It's so stupid. You're working to not work.

You're not working to just still always be like I'm still back in the day when I first got my first New York apartment. I'd be sitting there going, how am I going to make this? I've got to get more spots. And then you make it, and then you're still living that way. It's so fucking stupid. So what killed me was when we left. If you saw the people going in after us,

cause they weren't letting people go in together. The group of people that came in after us looked like they were all late twenties, early thirties. And I was looking at my agent going like, how the fuck do they have money to buy this fucking thing, bro? And he's just like, he goes, dude, there's a lot of money out there. There was a lot. I go, I said, where? Where is all of this fucking money? So I went back home, right?

And I couldn't sleep that night because I smoked a stick. So I'm all fucking wired from the nicotine. Oh, yeah, I smoked too. All right, we're going to be honest in 2021. All right, I smoked back to back, baby. Bang, bang. Big giant root beer. It's my only vice right now right so

i started just zillow and houses and shit so we just gone out to malibu and i was like let me see what the most expensive fucking house looks out there but blah blah dude there was like three houses that were 20 million north of 20 million and they all said sold and i was like who the fuck in the middle of a pandemic is like you know what i'm gonna do i'm gonna drop 40 million on a fucking house right next to the ocean with all of this global warming shit going on like that's the kind of money i have where do they make i mean that is mind-boggling to me. It's not mind-boggling. I knew a pro athlete who lived in Malibu, and he and his wife had bought their house, I want to say,

maybe in 1997, and they bought it for $2 million in 1997. It's worth $19 million now dollars now right that's the fucking brilliant move that's the i remember he sent me his address you know i give zillow it right away and i'm like what the fuck and you're like god you're set for life you're set for life if you moved to la in 97 with some money had a development deal deal. You're set for life. You're going to just upgrade it, upgrade it, upgrade it. No, but if you keep upgrading, then you go back to buying at the high end of the market. If you had the money to buy something that was high end

and then stay in it, and then the bankers fuck with the economy and the dollar's not worth shit so the price of the thing keeps going up, I don't know how the game's played. I don't want any part of that. we left the house and i just said listen i go our house is better than that it's fucking you know one-eighth the size of that but i like it it's cozy it's a family like our house is really like i said you sit in the living room we're like on top of

each other and it's fun we're all. Everybody can reach and get the popcorn. I don't have to send a robot. I told you the old Brian. With the snacks. I told you the old Brian Regan story, right? No. It's my, it's my,

it's some of the best advice I've ever gotten. I've gotten some great fucking advice from comedians. Brian Regan comes over to my house and we do a podcast and i and he said i love your house i said yo i think we've outgrown it i said we're looking for a new house we want to get a big house and he stops you know not being funny he stops and he goes don't do it i said what do you mean he goes i don't know this feels like a house like a house a family lives in and we're sitting in my backyard right and he goes you know I got the big house had the family got the big house and all of a sudden

everyone's in their room no one's seeing each other everyone's just separate he goes I don't know I walked to your house and it smells like a house it sounds like a house it feels like a house and we walk in as we walk in isla comes running in she's like mom georgia kicked me in the vagina the dogs are barking brian regan looks at me and he goes this is a fucking house yeah and i know it's true it's it's like i actually did um because i you know when they were done showing me the house and dude, they had like this fucking like man cave thing built off the back of the house where it's just like, it was insane. It was fucking, if you just didn't give a shit about your family,

it was the perfect fucking house. Right. And if you just, you just sit there going like, but then I just sat there going like, I am going to be on my, my 600 pound life. If I live here because this is like I have my own Applebee's that's a bad example Mike my own what's a good sports bar change and it's just like, and then either that or I would be like on the road. So I was just like, I have to get out of here because this is not going to be good for my kids. So I just, I walked from the man cave to the front of the living room.

And dude, it took me, it took like a good like, you know, I don't know what it was, like 25 seconds, 30 seconds. Yeah. Just walking. Like, figure out how far down the fucking block you would get. And I would just sit there going like, see you're laying in bed. You know your wife's going to ask you for something when you're laying in bed late at night. Could you go get me or something, something? And then you just gotta just start walking right

all the fuck way down there all the way over and then all the way to the kitchen and then all the way back or you can cut out the glass side of the fucking thing cut through the pool area i was like this is like the only thing that's missing in this house is is jack nicholson limping through with an axe with frost in his fucking beard. I got like a panic attack when I was in there. I was like, this is the, like, I've seen people do that shit. It's the dumbest shit. You finally make it, and then you sentence yourself to be on the road for the rest of the year.

You go out, you go buy some big, stupid-ass glass house, fucking with all the stupid fixtures and there's nothing to i've noticed they all have the same flooring they all use the same wood now now it's not that little shit it's the big wide ones which means that's gonna date it so in 10 years when they move on to the next flooring now you have the old floors and now your house doesn't look as updated like you remember those fucking garages everybody got like 15 years ago the same garage door that frosted window with the thing everybody had that and i you can just be okay that house was redone in the early to mid 2000s it like this you know our fucking house our kitchen we had knotty pine in it it was like blue countertops with knotty pine had to rip all of that out only because the

fucking thing never made sense like my sink where my sink used to be now it's like by the window right yeah my sink used to be like like you stood there washing dishes and there was cupboards in front of your head. And I used to do a bit about it going, since the beginning of time, the sink has always, the window has always been right, the sink has always been underneath the window. You know, it gave women something to dream about as they did the dishes. Just looking out the window going, someday, maybe he'll let me walk to the end of the driveway. The joke was something like that. So we just sort of reconfigured all of that. And I just made sure I went with really neutral sort of stuff with it so it wouldn't get dated.

But I have to tell you, dude, leaving that place and going back to my plate, I was just like, this is fucking perfect. And I sat down in my little living room, you know, perfect. You're perfect. I'll tell you what I envy about you. You know what? It's cutting out on me. You get to see your kids

grow up. Oh, for real? Better? No, it's not cutting. I got you. You get to see your kids grow up. I think it was on your side. I'm envious because

I'm envious because you get to see your kids. Like if you guys buy a new house. Say you guys buy it. Say you say you're like, I want tons of money. I'm giving the money to my kids or I'm taking them on vacation. But you may want more yard. You may want like a big backyard, like a half an acre in the backyard.

Pat Riley, Pat Riley, greatest speech ever, the disease of more. When he wanted the Lakers to go back to back, he goes, what kills the team is the disease of more. People want more advertising, commercials. They want more playing time. They want more credit. They want the ball more. Everybody wants more.

It's like, well, we just did fucking work. Yeah. We did work work we have no backyard so we wanted backyard but here's what bums me out is it does bum me out i'm really happy but georgia will only be in this house for like one full year that that sucks because then she was gonna go to college and she's already said i just want to go somewhere where it's cold and there are mountains and i'm like oh that's nowhere near me and then isla is gonna isla is gonna be in the house for 20 more fucking years i guarantee that we're not getting rid of that kid she but but i do

i i'm envious of like you sebastian segura rogan you guys all have young kids and you have really great houses that their young kids grew up in my kids grew up in an apartment the majority of their life and then this house has been fucking amazing don't get me wrong I believe I'm in the top 50% of people that have houses in LA

easily I like how you get it ranked. Well, I mean, you figure like you've been in my house. Like it's not, it's not like huge. Last time I was at your house,

I think he was still doing the remodel. Yeah, you were. But, but it's, it's a great, like, it's a great fucking for LA standards.

Like anyone that, like, if you come out from Tampa and see my house, you're gonna be like, fuck, how do you guys do this? But if you live in LA, you're like, oh, this is a great house.

It's odd that that is. It's the same way with women, though. If you come out here as a Tampa 10, you're like, oh, yeah, you're a 6 out here. You're just not that hot. It's LA. The hottest women in the world come out here. No offense. But if you take a fucking LA six back to Tampa.

That's why the Lakers are going to keep winning championships. The level of women out here and the weather. You can't. The only people who can compete against it are the Clippers. The Clippers need to go on a run. But like, you know, as a Celtics fan, I'm just sitting there. We can't compete what they have to offer. No.

Just can't. You've got to be really into Boston chicks to be able to, like, to have some chick suck your dick with that accent. Oh, you don't like that accent? Oh, it's rough. That, Jersey, like – Oh, man, I love Jersey chicks. I love Long Island chicks. I love Ph, I love Jersey chicks. I love Long Island chicks.

I love Philly chicks, Boston chicks. Philly chicks are – but don't you feel like as opposed to all the accents in the world, right? I love the whole Rust Belt. I love the women from Baltimore all the way out to Detroit. Yeah. Pittsburgh. Yenza wants a blow job.

Yeah. to detroit altamore yeah pittsburgh yenza wants a blow job yeah i just like i remember when i was in detroit one time and i and we were hanging out and there was some you know women after the show whatever and i somehow this is like the late 90s when i brought up claude lemieux and this woman was there beautiful chick she's like that fucking pussy it came time to answer the bell and he just fucking turtled and i was like oh my god i love this chick there's uh they had that great rivalry with the avalanche back then which is some of the you know i kind of feel like uh that was like that was the end of an era in hockey of like goal scorers and brawls i mean it was kind of the clutch and grab era so there was some bad shit going on but like just back when it was still like you know just a badass sport all right so what's like no the second the playoffs start there's like no

fights so wait let's go back to accents what's because i just said to leanne i was watching pulp fiction and i go i couldn't fucking date a French accent. Those fucking people, French girls sound like idiots. They're like, oh, do you want blueberries on your pancakes? Oh, did they put blueberries? Hey, that's what makes the world go round. I love the French. But you.

Anybody Mediterranean, I'm cool with. I'm watching The Crown. I could definitely fuck with a British accent I mean accents are cool I think I get into all of that shit I like the coldness of people the further north you go

I don't know if it's the weather South African accent sexy South Africa I never met a woman with one all I can say is Oscar Prestorius committed premeditated murder. That's the only guy I think of when I think of South Africa. It used to be Nelson Mandela.

Now it's that dude with the legs. Who shot his girlfriend through the fucking bathroom door because he thought it was an intruder. Or was he in there taking a shit? No. He said that he heard someone in there and just shot through the door, not checking for his chick.

There's a documentary on ESPN about it. I just started watching it. I didn't know he was born without his legs. Does that make you feel less bad for him? Because don't know what you got till it's gone no i i definitely never had legs do you miss him no no the question is born without his legs is he more guilty than someone who lost their legs like do you go born without his legs then that that's i wonder then is that something that always fucked with his head? You said something off to him and he was like, I got no fucking legs.

And he's quick to pull the gun, you know? He gets all jealous. Are you looking at him? Do you like him because he's got legs? Oh, you're looking at his legs, aren't you? When I have the pants on and the shoes, you can't tell that I don't have legs. You can't tell that he didn't have legs. He looked like he had legs, and he was so competitive in sports.

He's faster than any of us with no legs. It's not fair because of those blade things. Yeah, the Schick. And the fact that he had – Gillette? Who made those? Is it Schick or Gillette? His competitor.

The dude that he had to run against made them. No, I'm saying who makes those blades? No, that's my point. His competitor. The dude that he had to run against made them. No, I'm saying who makes those blades? No, that's my point. His competitor. So he's running in the Paralympics and they go to the guy who has the gold medal, right? The guy who has the gold medal has been so, was so, I don't know, I can't say he's smart, but whatever. He created that blade leg to run on. He had the gold medal and the reason he had the gold medal, he created the gold leg. finally they go hey there's this young kid from south africa who's really fast he'd love to get a pair of those gold those those legs you make and he goes yeah i don't know if i want to give him the guy i'm running against and they're like well yeah but it's competition you

know give him the same leg you have and he's like fuck so he gives him two legs and because he's got two legs and that guy's got a regular leg, right? Like a real leg, and then a blade. Apparently the two blades give you fucking crazy bounce. Well, there's less drag. All of it. All of it. If you got, like, cankles and shit, you're going to be slow as hell.

All that wind. By the way, I'm certain I'm going to be picked apart for everything I just said. Who gives a shit? Everybody be picked apart for everything I just said. Who gives a shit? Everybody gets picked apart for everything. Hey, do you think, is there anybody who's in the Paralympics that you could think you could beat in an event? Ooh, that's a great question. Dude, they got like a kid out there, no arms, no legs. You can't beat him wrestling.

No. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Dude, I'll tell you right now. I have a hard time trying to keep my kid when my kid wants to flip over and i'm trying to change his diaper if he wants to flip over he's going i can't imagine an adult you're trying to pin him and all of a sudden he's just fucking he's got all that torque and you know his abs are just like i mean that's his whole fucking how he gets around, like a fucking inchworm or something, right? Yeah, and I fought a child one time, and I remember not going 100% because he was a kid.

And even though I knew I had to fight him, I was like, I didn't give it 100%. And I bet there's part of that with a guy with no arms, no legs. You're like, I can't go 100%. I bet if there was a simulation where you could see arms and legs on him and then you didn't know that he didn't have arms and legs, then you could beat him. But I think without the arms and legs, I bet there's a part of you instinctually that goes,

I can't go 100%, you know? No, I would think that after he beat a couple of guys and you saw the shit that they got. Like you're in line and he's just tapping out fucking no because what it is is not other wrestlers people who watch wrestling it's just like people watch like football okay we've got mr field goal it's like dude you can't even touch your toes shut the fuck up right so you know that there's gonna be wrestling fans that uh you lost to a guy with no arms and no legs i mean how did he even pin you down you know they're getting shit so i would

think after this kid when we should get him on get him on the podcast i'd love to what it is what is it that you're doing because i remember one time i saw conor mcgregor when he was he was fighting that cowboy dude and he had tied him up and just because his arms were tied up he couldn't use that he started slamming his collarbone into the bridge of the guy's freaking nose and i'm like dude this guy is the closest thing to the terminator who would ever who would ever have thought i can use this as a weapon i i would love to ask him have you ever thought of doing that or was that one one of, well, these don't work. I'm in too close to kick. I'll just do like, I mean, talk about improv skills.

Anybody can go on stage and, you know, joke around and stuff. But when you're going to get your fucking ass kicked, and you can still kind of stay in the moment, you know, when you're outside your act of jabs and crescent kicks. What do you think about that kid, Logan Paul, taunting all these professionals? It's kind of crazy that a kid from YouTube is one of the biggest boxers in the world right now.

Yeah, that's how the game's played now. And he's smart because he's just basically like, listen, dude, if you ask the average person, especially in a pandemic, would you let Mike Tyson punch you once for seven figures? I think you'd get a bunch of yeses. You got one here. Oh, I wouldn't.

There's no fucking way. Definitely let him knock me out. No fucking way. What, so I can drool in a gold cup for the rest of my life? This kid can fucking like... There is no fucking way. So I can drool in a gold cup for the rest of my life? This kid can fucking There is no fucking way. This kid can really box and he's going after. Here's the thing is that like

Alright, I got one. How much money? He's gonna do his classic boom and then wham. He would go to the body and then the fucking uppercut. And you know when he threw that uppercut, it was just like he just went right past your head,

went right into Diane Canning's lap back in the day. Guaranteed CTE. Guaranteed. Guaranteed. You might have a ringing in your fucking ears that never goes away. Never goes away. His jaw might click for the rest of your life every time you're eating cornflakes i got a million dollars

ptsd anytime i see a thick-bodied black man i'm just like then you get branded a racist i mean your whole life could unravel then you got to spend it all on legal fees but my sister real quick my sister sister my sisters are cleaning my closet right now they're like they're douching my closet and i have an old florida state sweatshirt before they changed the uh chief osceola's face right they changed his face to make it maybe i guess not so yeah yeah and i go hey don't get rid of that sweatshirt. That's an old school Florida state sweatshirt. And they're like, it's racist. And I went, no, it's no, but it's like when I went there,

that's what the emblem, I don't really identify with the emblem that they have now because that's not what I wore. And they were like, yeah, we're getting rid of it. And I was like, you can't get rid of it. It's that's the one I wore. Like that's the, that's my sweatshirt from when I was at college and they're like yeah it's racist and i go you can't tell me that my sweatshirt from college is like and they're like we definitely can and they just fucking threw it out what you allowed it nope i sent my daughter around to go get it okay good for you i go go get it and i was like that's kind of funny though that what it means to you. That's like the Confederate flag. Like, that doesn't mean to us.

You know, so... I don't know. It's just kind of funny. They never changed that at the behest of the Seminole tribe. The Seminole tribe... Yeah, right? The Seminole tribe has always been very cool of Florida State.

They just changed it. Maybe. I don't know. I don't know. I still got the sweatshirt. How much to do a double punch for Mike Tyson? Yeah. All right.

Ambulance there. Doctor on call. You can't cover up. $20 million. There's no bobbing and weaving 20 million 20 million 10 million i'll go through it too fast 20 million and my kids will get some of that well you live in california cali's gonna take like 12 of it i'm only gonna see like 2.5 million out of 10 yeah so exactly people think we're joking it's not it's like there's a reason people are leaving

and there's a reason why they're they're gonna try to have some sort of um what do they call it um some sort of tax if you leave like you sold a house and made a profit whatever that whatever that tax is called they're holding us hostage here what's it capital gains tax if you leave california i'll tell rogan i'll just move in his into his old house don't sell it give money i'm just gonna stay dude i'm gonna stay until this place either burns down or goes into the fucking ocean like you just stay dude you know the amount of money i put in my fucking house if i just stay i'm fine yeah when you leave then you're just like fuck but you have to see inside the walls man it's all copper pipe it's gotta count for something can you imagine making nobody cares

huh can you imagine going to aust Austin and making new friends? No. I can imagine going somewhere else. I don't get the vibe. I've been to all the fucking cities. Not all, but most of them at this point. And there's certain places where I go and I'm like, I could fucking live here.

Like Milwaukee. I could live there. Ooh, Madison, Wisconsin. I could live in fucking Wisconsin easy Milwaukee I like Pittsburgh I like um I like Philly I like uh Philly New York Boston don't like DC DC's just weird I just feel like everybody feels like uptight there, like, because they're all in politics and nobody can say anything. Then there's a bunch of places in the South that I like. I love Alabama, South Carolina, Tennessee. I love Tennessee. Tennessee is great, but not like Nashville where everybody's moving. I don't want to live.

If I leave here, I have to go to a place that is not populated, like densely populated. I want to be able to drive my old Ford down the street, arm hanging out the window, maybe got a stick going. That's what I would leave. Because other going that's what i like i would because other than that what the fuck am i doing if i'm going to leave here for the leave the traffic of here and move to like fucking atlanta terrible traffic worse um austin has brutal traffic brutal fucking traffic i don't think i've ever driven in austin i i'm just stuck in the car

service when i would play cap city or wherever i was playing going from the airport to downtown um they still have like their regular highways like every douche with a fucking man bun hasn't moved there over the last fucking 20 years and uh it's just it's crazy crazy traffic. Houston was the shit, though. I was surprised. I really loved Houston. Yeah. First time I was there. I really do enjoy Texas. All right.

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All the supporting actors are amazing in it. Everyone's so good. I mean, the opening scene when Tommy Lee Jones is reading it off and he goes, he's talking about you know uh back in the day but he's doing it in that southern axis back in the day some of the old police officers didn't carry guns g uh lee lee jones didn't carry a gun not the older the son you know that's not the son the older you know like it was just so i love that i love that writing is incredible once you explain to me that i don't think a lot of people watch that movie and got this isn't technically a getaway movie this is a movie about the world is changing this is tommy

lee jones's story i've i haven't watched that movie in years because i i owned it on vhs i don't know dvd whenever that came out, whatever the thing was, DVD. I bought that like three times because I wore it out. But I got one for you, dude, that we should watch when all this bullshit's over. I watched Once Upon a Time in the West. Dude, we've talked about this a million times. This is the greatest fucking movie ever.

I've never talked to you. I've never even heard of the fucking movie. Not Once Upon a Time in Hollywood. That's what I'm thinking of. Once Upon a Time in the West. What's that? This guy Sergio Leone. Oh my God.

The score. First thing that I love about the fucking movie is, you know that Sid Field book, How to Write a Script? Yeah. It's out the window it's out the opening scene is 11 minutes long and it's just guys looking at each other and about five lines of dialogue he's like fuck you man I'm spinning this yarn and you settle in and I'm gonna you breathtaking. It must have been shot in 70mm. It looked fucking amazing. Stars Jason Robards, Henry Fonda as a bad guy. Crushing it in fucking Charles Bronson.

And I forget the woman's name. It's like... Claudia Cardinale. What's her name? Claudia Cardinale. Oh my God, dude. It's like... I have to have seen this this is no i'm gonna i bet you didn't see it because i saw the spaghetti western but this

thing was like two hours and 40 minutes long so i think when we were growing up nobody ever showed it because it was just that time that at least when i grew up you'd see oh i'm thinking of high plains drifter i'm thinking of high plains drifter yeah no yeah yeah i haven't seen this this is like like i'm remember that time when we back when we used to do this sit next to each other when we had and i brought that i look like a fucking uh a deli pickle level cigar yeah like that's the cigar you would need to get through this fucking movie it was fucking it was just fucking amazing. I mean, I'm 45 minutes into the movie going, I still don't really even know what this movie's about,

and I didn't give a shit. And then right around then, something happens. Now, in that stupid book about how to write a script, it's like the first 10 pages, and on page 21, the thing has to happen that propels you into act two. All of that is out the fucking window. I watched that and I watched this French movie called Breathless, which was by this, I don't know, Jean-Luc something or other.

And it was a movie that guys like Martin Scorsese, I guess they claim, was influenced by. And you know that whole period of the rebel sort of directors that made all these badass movies in the late 60s and 70s, the French were going through that in 1960s is when it started. So they were actually ahead of where we were at, where a lot of times the way I've seen that talked about, it's typical, like people just talk about your country. So it's like they had the studio system. And then these guys came along and said no fuck that we're gonna make what we want to make and

it's like well they were also you know the same way we know comedians around the world like directors know films around the world i think yeah that they were watching it but it was a really uh really really good movie it was was Jean-Luc Godard. Jean-Luc Godard. A lot of those guys, the French directors, they credit Cassavetes. And they were the ones that helped bring his career back. There's actually a really good documentary, French made, about Cassavetes and the unorthodox style in which he would make movies, mortgaging his house. Editor, same as a cameraman, same as an as an actor yeah just like down and dirty and they he made a movie with peter falk that i

couldn't get through it was so real and so brutal it was just this it was oh husband oh my god yeah there's husbands and then um and then uh yeah I bought like this trilogy of like three of his movies and I started to watch that one and it was so painful. It's so real. I was like, I'm going to take a break and I just never went back to it. Now I don't have a fucking DVD player anymore. Woman Under the Influence is the one.

That's the one. Yeah, it's brutal. Yeah, it's brutal. Yeah. It's like it made leaving Las Vegas look like a European vacation. Did you know, did you know, by the way, I don't know if this is fact,

look this up. Did you know that Nick Cage on the first day of shooting the rock, the rock was the one where he he breaks out of jail, right? Did he get a stroke? No. If this is real, Andrew, I watched No Country for Old Men

and then I watched twice one day. I watched it twice one day and then I watched Raising Arizona twice one day i watched it twice one day and then i watched uh raising arizona twice one day twice i watched i watched raising arizona and no country for old men back to kind of ish on the treadmill then i watched them in the house that night full beginning to end now um in raising arizona he's got a scar on his face so I google I go wonder if Nick Cage had an actual scar on his face and they and there's this site that says like nine interesting facts about Nick Cage the first

one being the first day of shooting The Rock he was supposed to do a Midwest accent but he had a stroke and so he did a southern accent and said just shoot me from the right side so there's no shots on the left side of his face because it's drooping and he and he has a southern accent and said, just shoot me from the right side. So there's no shots of the left side of his face because it's drooping, and he has a southern accent. I don't know if that's real. But did he have Bell's palsy? Yeah, well, it wasn't like a stroke where he couldn't use it. I think it came back, but it's like a version of Bell's palsy.

See if that's right, Andrew. By the way. I saw Nicolas Cage's stroke. I don't see anything. That's odd. That's odd. Andrew. By the way, Nicolas Cage stroke. I don't see anything, but oh. That's odd. That's odd. That was the first thing that came up for me. By the way, Raising Arizona

is one of the best written movies. I did a deep dive on William Forsythe. William Forsythe is fucking amazing in that movie. I will say this. I think John Goodman's one of the greatest fucking comedic actors ever.

Ever. One of my favorite things he ever did in Revenge of the Nerds. He was in a scene. He didn't even have a line. He's playing the football coach, and the dean's making a speech or something, and he has a starter pistol, and he's off to the side, and he's some the dean's making a speech or something and he has a starter pistol and he's off to the side and he's just sitting there he's looking down the barrel of this starter pistol it was just this little thing that he did that you just in the very

beginning the movie like i know this guy i know exactly who the fuck this guy is this football coach like i you know i had gym teachers like this guy and just that little thing that he did and then of course then watching him on like raising arizona and everything's just that fight that's my favorite fight scene him and oh big cage fighting in that movie so uh actually uh this is a this is a joke uh list that you read um motherfucker yeah and that was actually uh for con air and then but it also says that filming the rock he had a uh delusional disorder and so they uh came to the rescue and they created the movie The Rock so that he could just pretend. Yeah, no. That's a fucking joke

website. And that is what's wrong with fake news. Some people are dumb enough to fuck people. Well, delusional disorder. That means your fucking ego's out of control. Right? They just made up a medical... They took his character and then they applied what medical problem he would have. Like Ghost Rider, he had

like an epidermal problem. problem ghost writer he's on flames the whole time as a comic book character so yeah i read the first one and was like great got my interest interesting tidbit to drop at a dinner party and i fucking would have told it that is by the way back to john goodman john goodman in raising arizona has what he has so many lines in that there's so many lines in it where i've never heard that language like when he when nick cage is holding up the gas station and molly what's her name comes out yelling holly hunter starts yelling at him and he goes you better hurry up the wife and i are in dutch and i'm like wait what and then i had to google it and and it's just that's what he called it uh what is in dutch and i'm like wait what and then i had to google it and and it's just that's what he

called it uh what is in dutch mean i have no fucking idea it's just like the wife and i are in dutch meaning like if you go dutch i think that's what it means the best one is john goodman they're about dutch means we both pay for half the meal the wife and i are in dutch meaning we're both going our separate ways i I'm guessing. Oh. And so then John Goodman says to William Forsythe, right before they're about to rob the Hayseed Bank, after this, my brother, we will be in the fabled catbird seat. And I'm like, what is the catbird seat?

Apparently, catbird seat is a very envious position. That's amazing. I love it. It is so fucking good. And you know, and what sucks is that if, if you like, if I ran into the Coen brothers,

say, say there was a, say you had a party at your house, you got everyone tested, whatever. I thought it was a situation. We all get back themed and you go, Bert,

I want to introduce you to the Coen brothers. This is what I'm envisioning. And this is what stinks is that having just watched that movie, I want to introduce you to the Coen brothers. This is what I'm envisioning, and this is what stinks, is that having just watched that movie, I'd be like, they're writing in that. And you know that they did it so long ago, they'd be like, yeah, yeah, yeah. Thanks, man. Thanks. But something like that hits you so heavy that when you run into the person,

you're like, dude, can you – I want to – and then be like, ah, yeah, we get that a lot. You're not the first person to like my movie. It's so – it's just so fucking amazing. That movie is so amazing. I got one for you. What? I found this website a long time.

This is from 2006. How to swear like an old prospector. Oh. They have like dad burn verb. Dad is to substitute for God in turn of the century southern U.S. vernacular. Instead of God, God burn. I guess that's God damn.

Dad burn. Can't get the dad burn thing to get going. Dad burn bull weevil done ate my crop. And, of course, there's the classic horn swoggle. That's a... Horn swoggle? Well, I'll be hornswoggled. That means to get fucked over or whatever.

I think I'll be in this sockdollager. Sockdollager? Well, I guess I know enough to turn you inside out, you sockdoggles and old man trap. I don't know what any of this means. Consarn. I just like doing the accent. Consarn, the whole of something, though often misused, is damn. So let's see the sentence here. All right, put an Englishman into the Garden of Eden and he would find fault with the whole blasted consarned. Blasted consarned.

I wish I could get these down, because my wife doesn't want me to curse in front of the kids. If I could just say, Nia, for God's sakes, can you get the dad burn hornswoggle out of the corn saw? Dagnabbit. Dagnabbit. I said, Georgia and and Anna we watched

Office Space last night we're watching 100 bucket list movies every night we watch a new movie and last night we watched Office Space fucking great movie by the way Ron Livingston is amazing in that movie he is the whole cast is amazing but they said

they go we're sending by the way the fucking we also watched um we also watched we've all watched uh shawn of the dead and animal house right there's a part where the where they they go in to get his mom and there are they a girlfriend and they're all coming out and they're like fuck where's the car and the heavier guy i forget his name but like the guy that turns into the zombie the heavier guy pulls up stands up and goes what's up and drops an n-bomb like a hard n-bomb like but like in a hip-hop way right my girls lost their

fucking mind they were like oh oh God, you can't say that. He can't say that. And it was so funny to watch their reaction. In National Lampoons, at the end, the Army guy, Niedlmeier, is just yelling the F word just nonstop. You faggots, you faggots you just did non-stop over and over and over again my daughters are like what the fuck and uh and the one last night was um they said we're you're going in the office space they're like you're going to like ass rape prison and my daughters

are like they rape men and they go watch your cornhole and they both start laughing and i go they go where's his cornhole and i said what do you think a cornhole is and they were like i don't know is it the game you play and we're like oh no and they're like what i said where does corn come out of and they're like oh my god that's where they raped them? I went, what did you think they did? It was, like, watching old movies, Bill, is like going in a fucking time machine. A time machine. Well, I would think just watching something from the 2000s at this point,

because they said with, like, with The Office, when you were saying Office Space, that's what I was kind of thinking, like, you said, Ron, let me see. I'm like, oh, yeah, the movie. I was thinking The Office. They even said, like, The that's what I was kind of thinking. You said, Ron, let me see. I'm like, oh yeah, the movie. I was thinking The Office. They even said The Office,

like a lot of the stuff they couldn't do. I didn't know Will Ferrell came on that show for like six episodes, so I started watching some of those. Oh, dude, his character's hilarious. Of course. He's amazing. Well, it was when Carell's character's leaving.

So he's the new manager. And, you know, it's one of those things where he comes in at first, he validates everybody, and everybody digs him. And then Steve Carell's character's starting to feel like, well, they're not even going to miss me. And then you start to see another side of his character. And it's just, you know, it's Will Ferrell and Steve Carell. That's all you need to know.

Will Ferrell. We watched Elf. Will Ferrell. First of all, Jon Favreau is a fucking gangster. That movie is good because of Jon Favreau. That dude, Jon Favreau, I hope I'm still alive for his Lifetime Achievement Award because I don't think there's anything that motherfucker's done that I haven't liked. I love when my favorite part of that movie is when there's so many,

it's so fucking absurd. Elf, when they say Santa's coming and he flips out, like a little kid. Santa's coming. Just how much he flips out. I like oh my god and then uh oh who's who's in it with him the guy from the godfather there um james khan james khan is looking at him sometimes i actually think that those the looks he gives them might even be real where he's just sitting there going, what in the fuck am I in

right now? When you're making them, dude, you have no idea how this is going to come together. And there's a lot of times where they're asking you to do something, man. It's like you got your ass hanging out. You're just sitting there going like, is this going to fucking work? Tell me this is going to totally

come together. Dude, the second you see james khan look i don't know john have you ever met john fabbro john fabbro yes i have i don't know him but but i can't help but think i only know him from like being a fan of his i can't help but think that james khan's casting isn't that isn't john fabbro isn't, that isn't Jon Favreau's thumbprint. That isn't Jon Favreau. Oh, absolutely it is. Yeah, and so when you see James Caan. You know, he does the Mandalorian, Bert.

He's kind of killing with that. The whole Twitter universe kind of gave him a standing ovation for how they landed the second. He was trending on Twitter. I apologize, I haven't watched it. James Caan, I didn't even know he's still alive. No. Jon Favreau directs the man.

He does the whole thing. Oh, for real? Yes. He wrote every episode of both seasons. He wrote them? No, no. Rick Fami. He wrote the ones that I was in, I believe.

I don't know. I don't want to start fucking up. I haven't watched the man in a moment. I'm sorry. But he's the reason I got in. He did the same thing, going, I want to, you know, there's a part in it for you. And I was like, dude, all I've ever done is make fun of this shit. I mean.

Are you serious? The comedian thing. I see a bunch of people enjoying something. All right, I'm going to shit on it. And he goes, yeah. He goes, I think that that would be funny. That's why it would be funny if I put you in there. And I was like, yeah.

My wife's kicking me under the table going, yes, yes, all right. I'll do it. Thank God I did. My favorite movie he ever did was Made. Made was the funniest fucking movie. So I gave that my DVD to Louis Anderson. And Louis Anderson

never gave it back. He goes, the outtakes alone are the fucking... Vince Vaughn in that is just amazing. Vince is, the outtakes alone are the fucking – Vince Vaughn in that is just amazing. Vince is one of the greatest, one of the fastest minds and most brilliant dude you're ever going to work. Also, that shot when they're in that convertible and they're going through Old Vegas and the lights are reflecting off the car,

that's one of my favorite shots. That's swingers, right? Huh? Is that swingers? Is that Swingers? Is that Swingers? Yeah, Made is a gangster movie. Faison is in it and Peter Falk's in it. There's a lot of great stuff with Peter Falk.

Oh, wait. Did I see that one? I saw that one a long time ago. Dude, my short-term memory is like, I don't know. I got to watch The Mandalorian. I know you and Rosario are Rosario's in it, right? Yes.

There was a period where I kind of stayed away from The Mandalorian because I knew you were in it. I knew you were in it and I knew Rosario's in it, but I knew that no one knew that. And so I just never talked about it. I was kind of like, I never tried to bring it up because I didn't want to fuck up because I didn't know if, you know, you get confused and you're like, do people know Bill's in it? Or does he play fuck up because I didn't know if you know you get confused you're like is do people know bills in it or does he play baby baby Yoda I don't know

I know baby Yoda is a thing I don't I just don't know and I'm not the biggest Star Wars guy Georgia and Isla are maybe we'll watch The Mandalorian is it like a movie because they kind of they shoot it like a spaghetti western so there's definitely because when i saw um is john fabbro a big star wars dude huge for real so it'd be like yeah like someone it's it's sort of a perfect storm where you got a guy who's a huge fan of it who actually knows how to write and direct. And then he gets to take, he gets to make it the way he sort of envisions it. And amazingly how he sees it is how a lot of the Star Wars people, fans wanted to see it, I guess,

because like I said, they, I've never seen that. Like anytime you have a, a final episode of a season, there's just going to be people shitting on what the fuck dude standing ovation really

it's like how many episodes it's about Boba Fett and Baby Yoda right I haven't really watched it it's about a character it's about a character who's a Mandalorian, which is the same

race of people as Boba Fett. I was hoping you weren't going to ask me that. It's on my list of shit to watch. I was going to try. I was going to try. I was going to try. I'm embarrassed now oh i'm gonna watch it oh i watched most of the first season i just you know came out during the holidays oh that's so great i know i'm gonna check it out i the girls would love it i'm sure and i i know

rosario like i was eating dinner with ros i'm sure and i i know rosario like i was eating dinner with rosario one night and i said so you're in the new mandalorian right she went i don't know and i went all right never speak about the mandalorian if she's not going to be honest with me i don't want to be like i don't know is the worst answer ever that means yes no but i was like she didn't want to talk about it and i was like i'd rather talk about i'll just i don't like. I would have been a Mandalorian. What's, what is that?

And then you'd be, oh, it's a space thing. You just assume. Yeah. People ask me, are you going to be in the next season? I just said, no. I mean, I thought it was, I thought it was like some good fellowship. Just, I don't know that guy. I don't know what you're talking about.

I have no fucking idea. shit just i don't know that guy i don't know what you're talking about i have no fucking idea he goes she said uh she's rosario is fucking an awesome person right but so her boyfriend is um i'm not a big politics guy and her boyfriend is a big politician he's like a senator of yeah cory booker and so he's on set and someone says something about her boyfriend we're going to do photos and i said yeah all i knew is he's vegan right and so i was like yeah what's up is he's like a is he like an athlete or something and they're like no he's like a politician and i go oh like a big one and they're like yeah kinda and I went oh cool so I meet him no I don't know any of this I don't know anything about the guy good looking guy obviously he's dating Rosario Dawson

really sweet guy and I go I go hey man I'm Bert he's like nice to meet you I'm Corey I said so I heard you're like a politician or something and he goes yeah I go what do you do and he was like I'm a senator and I go is that like the one where there's only two of them or the one where there's like nine or ten sometimes and he goes it's the house of representatives and i go oh cool i go uh you want to be president one day and he goes i ran for president i said when and recently. I went, sorry, I don't follow politics. He goes, I can tell. I go, so did you want to be president?

He goes, I wouldn't have run for president if I didn't want to be president. I go, man, I'm really sorry. I really don't know anything. He looks at Rosario and he goes, this guy doesn't know anything about politics. She goes, oh, nothing about politics. It was so, I was like, i just don't man i'm not i'm just not my interest i can't i it's like i wish i why would you go up and start talking to him i don't know shit about yachting i wouldn't go up to some guy cleaning off a fucking boat

standing next to him you gotta get nervous out there no we were a photo shoot. Jump up and try to bite the boat. Is that real? We were doing a photo shoot, and I was standing next to him. I was just making a small talk, Bill. It was horrible. But he's a very nice guy. I'd vote for him. Yeah, no, I've had a few of those, and then I just immediately shut up.

I would have said the dumb shit you said, but I would have stopped three questions before. Yeah. I definitely wouldn't have asked, so did you want to be president if the guy ran for president? You look at, like, I wonder how much of that is, like, who you go, yeah, I'll run for president president and then all of a sudden everyone around you goes oh he's gonna be president you're like hold on hold on i said i'd fight him i gotta

fight his brothers too you know like one of those things yeah he's like you wonder honestly i mean i guess you can't you can't say that but like when brock obama ran do you think he was like yeah i'll do that and then all of a sudden he was like oh fuck there's a lot bigger of a commitment than i thought it would be i don't know why anybody would want to do it the way they never want to be president i would tell you this trump handled it like a champ he didn't age at all he went reverse he looks to fucking everybody else the key is bert you don't answer the Bert, you don't answer the phone. If you don't answer the phone, then you look out the window. Everything looks good.

My favorite line. If you answer the phone, they all, Obama, Bush, Clinton, your hair just turns fucking white. God. Who aged the most out of president? That's a good question reagan was hard because he dyed his hair black so he couldn't really tell reagan got shot he got shot his first term and he kept going i want to do this again name a fucking job where you get shot you're like yeah sign me up for another four years.

I would have handed it off to, who the hell was his vice? Oh, George Bush. And then George Bush got in. George Bush. George Bush is fucking amazing. George Bush, the first one. That guy's in the book. He's in Flyboys.

I just finished Flyboys, finally. Yeah. That guy's life was no fucking joke. Can't look at japanese people the same way after watching reading flyboys fuck that's an aggressive book yes when you get to the cannibalism part that's the easiest well you know it's not it's not their it's not their fault it's the fucking leadership's fault just sent them to islands with no provisions ammunition not even ammunition they could have killed the guys before they started slicing them It's the fucking leadership's fault. Just sent them to islands with no provisions. I know. Just ammunition. Not even ammunition.

They could have killed the guys before they started slicing them up like shawarma. Dude, they would. Did you read the part where they go, they didn't want the meat to spoil, so they cut his arm off and put him back in the hole. They need his arm. They cut meat off the back. They were trying to keep it as long as because the most protein was in your

vitals. It's fucking brutal. It's fucking brutal. And, like, that's that shit, you know, when they sit there and they talk about, you know, how we use nuclear weapons on them and stuff. It was like there was a lot of shit going on. Like, dude, World War II was a fucking race war dude it was it was you had you had the germans thinking they were superior the japanese seemed like they were the white people of asia like thinking that they they were the greatest people ever although do you know

japan got fucked over though do you know japan had a war with russia and they won yeah and then they went to go take some of their land like all the white countries do when they defeat a country and then all the other white countries ganged up and say no no no i can't do that oh that's in that book right yeah yeah that's in that book yeah yeah yeah they bring that up like no no you can't do that so then they're standing there like going like well what the fuck yeah just kick their ass and now we don't get the spoils of victory and you guys are going to talk to us after what the fuck you did in your country? So there's a lot of shit.

Because you can't be like, oh, we dropped those bombs because they were fucking eating our soldiers that they captured. And then, well, we fucking beat Russia and it just keeps going back. We've just been cunts. Dude, can I tell you?

What's amazing is that you're're right it was a race war and it was a race war in japan like japan believed and it's it's kind of it doesn't like i'm not saying it makes sense but the fact that they were an island just of one people that they would assume that they are like the they are spirit and then they just go like well we deserve to do this to the chinese people like that was a race war from germany side and japan side both and no one no one ever mentions that that on japan no one ever everyone looks at the holocaust and goes the germans are horrible the japanese people were doing the most horrific things to the chinese people i read a book called The Rape of Nanking.

That was a tough, another tough one. Well, I mean, I heard that that's why the population is what it is in China, was to hold Japan at bay, basically, to be like, because they tried to invade them a number of times because they ran out of land, I think. Yeah. So they wanted to expand like every white nation did so they tried to do the same they just kept having to have more they basically the philosophy was that if they anybody invades us

no matter how many they killed there's going to be another wave of us coming over the hill ready to fucking throw down um yeah that's also why like i remember reading a thing uh bruce lee was a there was some movie that he made early on or something and there was a scene in there where he was using a chinese style of martial arts and defeated like some japanese dude and after he kicked his ass at the door, he turned around, he said, by the way, I'm not an animal. And it got like, just that line alone, got a standing ovation in the theaters in China, because that's how they were being branded by Japan, I believe. No, you're, because I'm also listening to one of the most amazing podcasts in the world called The Real Dictators.

And they talk about the prime minister of Japan at the time during World War II. And they talk about Mao Zedong. I think that's the right name. He was the guy who started the Cultural Revolution in China. Oh, yeah, that guy. in china and oh yeah that guy we took all the farmers fucking crops so the numbers would match or something like that and just let him starve i mean dude you understand how sick some of the leaders of the world are and just imagine those those people in china who starved to death how many just cool ass people how many burke crisis out there their shirts off, making sure everybody's having a good time?

It just doesn't make any sense. It's why I just have difficulty with the higher power and that whole fucking scapegoat of the devil. Well, he had a choice he could make. It's like God also had a choice. He could have made fucking empathetic people only, and he didn't. He made rapists and sociopaths and warmongers and fucking i don't know this whole corporate structure where they literally the fact that we have to drink bottled

water and nobody really thinks about it because it's the our water is so fucking polluted ridiculous and the fact that companies are allowed to do this or pay just fines to line politicians' pockets and shit, and they just sell out their own people. I don't know. I'm not a big God guy there, Bert. What fucked me up is that, and I'll just talk about the idea of war, that those kids would go to war, and they didn't have an option. They'd go, all right, so you're going to all get in your planes

and this is a suicide mission. The winds are at our faces. You're not going to be able to land in China. You're going to have to land in the sea. They're going to capture you. If you capture you, you should be – like the fact that they didn't have – George Bush didn't have an option, you know,

that he had to get in that plane. That was his duty. Like I can't imagine and i love too when you would come back when he came back and that uh after fighting a mission right you know you come back and your roommate just wasn't there because they died and he can't he got out of the cockpit from one of the old fucking older guys superior commander whatever fucking guy, comes up, asks him, he goes,

how you doing there, son? And he said he opened his mouth and no sound came out. They say, go down to sickbay, they'll take care of you. You'd go down there and they would give you like two fingers of whiskey and you'd do a shot. And George Bush Sr. goes,

the funny thing is it worked. And he would just fly out there and your mindset would be, it's not gonna happen happen to me it's going to be the other guy dude the few times i've sold a helicopter like what's going through your fucking mind okay i can't imagine someone on the ground trying to make your worst case scenario happen i just can't imagine that can you imagine can you imagine trying to land a helicopter to pick up soldiers in the middle of a war and then get out of there safe because that

because you've done how i mean like when you see those vietnam movies and they're coming down everybody in can you imagine that yeah and having to make a decision like i can't leave these guys here but i don't like leave some you know if they're closing in and you have to make a decision do i leave with these guys and then those guys are going to be caught and tortured or just like no like this those are those things that like veterans talk about stuff like that like that you just there's no way to ever make peace with that in your mind which is why to this day i still don't understand how how or why war is legal like we really just can't sit down and try to fucking talk this shit out like i have to go to marriage counseling but you

guys can just be like all right well we'll fucking kill more of your people before you kill more of ours like that's how you're working it out. Why can't they have couples therapy for fucking world leaders? They were talking in world in, in, in fly boys about the one guy, one of the guys that was running, uh, uh,

the, the radio center grew up in San Francisco. Like he grew up in San Francisco and then moved back to Japan. His parents were from Japan and fought for the Japanese and then they had a prisoner of war and he's talking to one of the prisoners of war in the radio center because they're trying to get him to you know snitch on his guys they're two Americans they're two American kids I mean I granted in 1950 I'm sure that you didn't see a Japanese person to see there as American.

But I know for a fact in my life, I don't see Dr. Ken as not being American. You know what I mean? I don't see fucking any of it like Ali Wong is not being an American. I just only see her as American because that's who she is. Those were two Americans sitting in a fucking room. And he was like, hey, they're going to take you up. It should be fine. And he knew they were going to fucking stab him with bamboo poles and then

cut his head off. God damn it, man. It just doesn't seem fair. And when you want to talk about like, if, if someone wants to talk about privilege, the privilege is that I'm Bert Kreischer and I get to tell jokes and I get

to go into my house and take a nap in the middle of the day and play with my dog and play with my kids and not have to go to war or live in Sierra Leone and have to fucking join look for blood diamonds I mean there's so much bad shit going on in this world

I know that's why when I sit there people fucking flipping out that they gotta wear a mask it's like dude we have flat screen TVs with surround sound. That mask was probably made in a sweatshop by somebody making 30 cents a month. You can't throw it on to go into a fucking CVS. Yeah. Dude, I've been doing this segment on the Monday morning podcast called Comment of the Week. Just my only way to like just as far as I just started it, Andrew.

Andrew just looks like, what the fuck is that um this person was writing because they showed this this older guy with like a ponytail and he was in this some some fucking pharmacy or shit he just wouldn't wear a mask you know look like you know like shredded wheat fucking no conditioner his hair and he was sitting there going this is like what the nazis did and blah blah blah so anyways It looked like, you know, like shredded wheat, fucking no conditioner in his hair. And he was sitting there going, this is like what the Nazis did and blah, blah, blah. So anyways, one of the things in like the comment, this guy who was like pro not wearing a mask, he goes, the only thing you got to do to know what the government's doing right now is watch V for Vendetta. Is that all I gotta do i thought i had to be in the cia or be in one of those fucking

bilderberg meetings to really know what was going on evidently burt all you have to do is watch a hollywood movie called v for vendetta and they spelled the whole thing out oh fuck yeah what was that stupid fucking book that everybody flipped out about? The religious book that took on the, and they made a movie about it. It was this big book about Catholic, like the Catholic church. Oh, Andrew,

help me out here. It came out like 15, 20 years ago. The secret? They made a, the movie bombed. It was, what the fuck was it called?

It was all about the Catholic church and there was these assassins and they were going around trying to silence people and running the world and all of that shit. Problem solved this for me. Okay, Bill.

Oh, go ahead. Did you come up with it, Andrew? Was it said the sequel to the Da Vinci Code was doing that? Oh, it's the Da Vinci Code. Oh, the Da Vinci Code. I saw that.

Yeah. I read it too. So I just love that people read that book a bit yeah this is what's really going on it's like that's what happened that Mel Gibson's father is one of those guys yeah okay dude I did that for like five years five years on my podcast I was that guy and then it just I don't know one day I just sort of woke up going like the amount of people that would have to shut the fuck up for this to work and if this would if this person's really laying out what's going on they wouldn't allow this book to be published and this guy would get whacked so I kind of realized that if you're actually affecting change if you're truly affecting change

in a way that these people that are running everything don't want it to be, you will know because they will be an attempt on your life. Man. Or maybe now they can just destroy your character, you know, throw a couple of Me Too cases at your way or something like that. But like the 60s, I thought that the whole message of the 60s was if you rock the boat black white male female a crazed lone gunman is going to come in and take care of you that's that's what i got out of watching you know civil right leaders to the

kennedys to musicians all of those guys like fucking OD'ing and shit. It was very convenient how everybody in the counterculture just really like the big fucking tent poles of that all just got whacked. And then we came out of it like, you know, it's all easy listening, standing on a corner in winslow arizona and there's all of that shit yeah it just became hey you know what i think i'm gonna write a song about nothing how about that so i don't accidentally overdose or get fucking in the light of the Morning sun. I'm gonna need you till the morning's gone. I got pissed. I got pissed.

I can't stop talking about this to my wife, and she does not give a fuck. I have been trying to lose weight and get healthy, and I look at guys like Kumail who look fucking awesome, and I kind of go like, I know this is crazy, but I go, if Kumail can do it I can do it and then he started getting dragged on fucking Twitter by the same I don't even know what type of person they're like he's bought I got fucking it sent me through the goddamn roof and then I want to tweet something

and then I'm like I don't want to pile on I don't want camille to misread it what are they giving him shit for fucking because he's because now he's yoked and he looks fucking awesome and like i'm i'm guessing oh that's like if you leave your hometown and you go out and go do something there's gonna be a couple of people and don't forget where you came from they get like uh i guess he was the silicon valley kind of nebbish guy and now he looks like a fucking fucking uh he looks fucking awesome dude he's like jack ryan he looks awesome his fucking jaws yoked his arms he has he does these pictures with cake i look at him and all i can see is his arms and go god man, man, I want whatever the fuck is inspiring him to be there. Because he wasn't always that guy.

He landed a part in a Marvel movie called The Eternals. So he got in shape for that, for the movie. And I'll tell you what. Let me tell you about this is what pisses me off about it, okay? This is is what pisses me off i don't want to tweet this because it's not going to come out right but i think i can say it and it'll come out right is you want to talk about representation people always want to talk about representation well then let kumail be fucking jacked so that some indian kid does doesn't see every ind Indian stereotype and every fucking movie about superheroes the Indian guys the guy on the computer going try it now like like what that's your line Bill from your

stand-up but you know like with the with the on the on the computer going we've got him you know four minutes till I break the code let one time the fucking indian guy look like fucking like thor and so that that's represent that's what i believe representation is is like and then don't give him shit about it because he looks like fucking chris pratt chris pratt looks fucking awesome no one gives him shit about it i think everybody gets i think if you were a fatty and then you get in shape this fat people say you sold out oh i'll take that i'll take that in a heartbeat i'll get ripped i'll do steroids i'll do i will tell you this too if you get fucking jacked no no no no no your word is your one when you get jacked when i get i love this when you get jacked yeah here's

my question will your fans still love you if you go on stage shirtless and you no longer look like their buddy at a cookout? You now look like the guy who's going to kick over their fucking kabachi. That's what it is, Bill. That's what it is. I bet it's his own fans going like, oh, you don't look like you go to a comic book store now because now he just looks like he's the guy standing out bouncing at the comic book at the club right that's fucking ridiculous you should let him change and be whatever fucking person he wants most people do dude most people do

and they just focus on like the negative shit so and here's what bothers me he's the sweetest fucking dude you'll ever run into he is the the nicest guy, doesn't talk shit, doesn't. He's a fucking great fucking guy. It'd be funny if he became a dick now that he has muscles. That would be great if he just fucking- He's like the study. No, what it is is you get too much testosterone, you start being a dick. I was like, fuck Burt, that fat fuck.

I'll fuck him up. And you're like wait whatever happened to the nice guy he's dead Bert I fucking I bench press that motherfucker yeah hey how long are we doing on this one we should wrap it up we're pretty good no we wrap it up I wasn't sure if we would be doing

two hour ones I know there was talk about that so we could do like meet twice a month oh wow yeah well I'll cut this part out but yeah we're um next week we'll do like meet twice a month. Oh, wow. Yeah, well, I'll cut this part out. But yeah, next week we'll do like 45 to 50 minutes of a regular episode, and then we'll just have the guests come on for the second half. Oh, that's how we were going to do it. Okay, I get it.

Break it up. All right, well, good for Kamau getting in shape. Good for him. Yeah, he looks awesome, man. I can't wait to see the Eternals I support him and and congrats to uh Jon Favreau sounds like he's doing really good with the fucking Mandalorian can't wait to watch the Cory Booker he seems to be doing pretty good with that politics stuff Cory Booker Japanese people

you touched all the bases on this one we touched it all man we we almost went around the world on that one um all right everybody this has been another wonderful episode of the bill Bert Podcast we'll see you next time happy new year Thank you.