The Bill Bert Podcast - The Bill Bert Podcast | Episode 56

Episode Date: May 13, 2021

Bill and Bert prattle on about acting, bombing auditions, and Jim Carey

Hey, what's going on, everybody? And it's time for another wonderful episode of The Bill. Bert. Podcast. I'll just do the whole thing. Oh, my God. I feel like an international reporter. Can I say where you're at?

Yeah, of course. Bert Kreischer starring in his own movie shooting in Serbia yeah um an international star now you got a lot of fans out that way I know that I mean you're almost near all your buddies out there in Russia you are a fucking eastern European I'd say I damn near a pinup I'd say I damn near a pinup. You got the build, man. You got that, I don't know, Slovakian fucking,

you don't want those people to get their hands on you. They'll tear your limbs off. This part of the world has been good to me. You want to hear something crazy, Bill? Last week, right? crazy bill last uh last week right my buddy texts me and he says last week was when i met you at florida that's when you started at florida state like 30 years ago 30 years ago last week that week is when i first went to florida state 25 years ago that week that exact same week is when i went to russia for the first time and then last week at 48 years old i started production on my movie whatever the has happened during that one week of my life has been good that one week yeah i

i love that kind of the dumb response to that dude this time next year we got to go to vegas the dumb response to that dude this time next year we got to go to vegas and you're gonna hit everything um well that's awesome dude i'm very uh happy for you and excited to see i mean it's about time there's been an what is this an autobiographical yeah well it's i mean it's based on a truth by getting you know i don't know i don't even know how that but all right well you know something you definitely have there's not a lot of things i can tell sorry you would definitely have eastern european fucking internet is it dial up over there because there's been a lot of slowing down and speeding up during this so we're just going to have to deal with this okay this is what

happens when you have the same shooting schedule as James Bond okay Bert Kreischer is going to a new level Bert when you get nominated okay we can talk about it because this is like your lucky week when you get nominated okay do you go shirtless on the red carpet now this is that a separate brand from your stand-up special this is bert this is a new a new more uh older wiser more clothed bert kreischer i go i go shirtless bill on the red carpet oh hardcore, hardcore. I love it. Now you're going to go Chippendales with the bow tie, or are you saving the surprise? I've started wearing scarves, so probably just a scarf. I love it.

I love it. That's the way to go. You know what I wanted to ask you about? Because this is all brand new stuff to me. I could mail you some weed. No, yeah. What were things you did where you were really nervous

when you started like it was when you first started stand-up? Because I was terrified last week. Oh, yeah. No, everything. Everything has scared the shit out of me from going on my first open mic to host an SNL last year. Dude, I thought about you hosting SNL, and I thought risk versus reward.

I don't know if the reward is high enough for me to enjoy it, and you murdered it, but just the nerves of that must have been absolutely terrifying. No, I had a meltdown right before I went in, but then for the rest of the week, because I didn't want to put my wife through it for the whole week, so I just talked shit in my head. There's talking shit, which is actually self-help shouting down your demons, I believe. Um, and then there's just being an arrogant ass. I wasn't going around going, I'm going to be the greatest host of all time. I

wasn't saying that people would say, Hey man, good luck on SNL. You're going to kill it. And I would just say, I am. And it felt good to say it. I just kept saying it. Then it just kind of went away. And then I really minimized the stress as much as I could. I was just like, okay, today's Monday. We're not going live today. Why don't I enjoy Monday? Today's Tuesday, not going live. So Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, we're out. Friday was pre-tapes and I've done movies. And if you screw it up, you get to do it again, which is the situation you're in.

And then Saturday was just like, well, there's no reason to get nervous until 11.45 PM. Other than that, the the run through have fun act like an idiot make all the crazy choices see what works see what doesn't and then uh then like dude i gotta tell you something when you when you go to tape the show it goes by in like two seconds before you realize what the hell you just did you're introducing the band for the second time and they're telling you the last sketch got cut and then you just like I remember that and then Pete goes

dude you're done you're done you did it and I was just like oh my god and then they're playing dun dun dun oh my god thank everybody he's like i didn't blow it i don't know how good it was but i i remembered that i you know i didn't mess up my jokes and it's it's so what i do with um with a gig like that the acting gig like i've never started something but i had a uh you know that big one a couple years ago with pete you know opposite an oscar winner i had another meltdown i just you just go like what i don't do i don't think of the whole thing of i'm on this thing for three months that's what i did when i first got there and i wanted to quit the business and just be a guy that drives a truck that's what i did when i first got there and i wanted to quit the business and just be a

guy that drives a truck that's what i wanted to do i said that the first before we started shooting i thought i was saying the most negative shit in my head that i was like because i was nervous i was like what the fuck why am i doing this i got i got a podcast like stand up like who the fuck i i write my own words i say my own words on stage like you just i don't want to be this famous yeah right i just want to be little me i want to be little me and my little part of entertainment that's what always goes this is too high man this is too high you start freaking out What if we have an engine failure? Yeah. I definitely. Dude, I have to watch that because that is a form of self-sabotage.

And it will cause you, if you don't have control of that, you will steer the bus into a tree and take everybody sitting behind you with you. So you really got to make sure. So what I do in those situations is I go in there and what I'm doing is for the other people. I just show up on time. I know my lines. I fucking kill it. I just try to make everybody laugh.

I try to keep it light, not be a pain in the ass, and just show up ready to work. And once you do that for like three, four days in a row, and they realize, oh, he wasn't just in a good mood, this is how he's going to be. Everybody chills, and then they're having a good time. And then it's so out of your control, like you just got to hope it comes together.

And as far as acting, dude, I don't give a... If somebody gives me a fucking line read, this is how I know I'm not an actor. I love a line read. Like, because they're trying to dance around it. No, it's more emotional. It's probably- A line read.

I love a line read. I love a line read. Yeah, just say how you want me to say it. I'll do three different versions of that and if that doesn't work, you got the other bullshit that I did that obviously didn't work because you were still shooting this shit.

work you got the other bullshit that i did that obviously didn't work because you were still shooting this shit i don't understand actors that get upset with the line read it's like don't you guys want to go home yeah it's like the most fucked up communication like i'm gonna tell you what i want but i can't just tell you so i gotta go around and be like okay burt like it's it's like you know it's kind of like say like the line is let's get the fuck out of here that I got to go around and be like okay Bert like it's it's like you know it's kind of like say like the line is let's get the fuck out of here they got to use like a they got to use different words like hey man and you're like hey man hurry up so then you gotta be like hey let's get the fuck out of here you're like trying to match what they said it's just like say the words that i'm saying the way you want me to say it so i can go home yeah yeah i have because i have anxiety it's amazing sorry we're gonna over talk each other with this feed sorry no no no you talk you talk you talk you talk go

go you talk see what you're gonna say on my last two acting gigs gigs was the first time I wasn't nervous at all, in a good way. Where like, you know, if you go down to the store, which by the way is open again, if you go down there, you know, you got to do a 10 minute spot. You're not nervous. You've done it a million times, blah, blah, blah, blah. I finally got to a point, the last two acting gigs, I just one and i did one uh last year before all this pandemic shit happened um oh uh the mandalorian and i wasn't nervous i was coming back i knew the people on set i had already proven that you know i i i could do the job they wanted me to do so i could relax and not think I was going to get fired after every take.

And and we just joked around and they were busting my balls. I was busting their chops and we just really just kind of had fun. And then all of a sudden it was just it's like that's a wrap on Bill. And I was just like I remember driving home being actually like sad, like, wow, man, I'm really sad that's a wrap on bill and i was just like i remember driving home being actually like sad like wow man i'm i'm really sad that's over i love working for those people but also i'm psyched because now i can you know sleep in tomorrow but i then i was thinking like hey i didn't really get nervous i didn't get nervous i ad-libbed i made the crew laugh and that was like a big thing from like to me that's like the the actor version of when I was a kid and I would watch a comedian do panel.

That was really good at it. I remember being like, I want to get good at that. Then when I would see actors and they would improvise and make the crew laugh on a take, I remember thinking, I would love to do that. on a take, I remember thinking like, I would love to do that. Cause like the first, I don't know how many decade and a half of acting every once in a while I would do it and I would make them laugh and I would feel a hundred feet tall, but then I do it again and it wouldn't work. And then I'd be like that buzzard on Bugs Bunny, like, Oh no, no, not going to do it. No, no, no gonna get fired no and i just was really because i am inherently a really shy introverted person so my and my acting gigs were so few and far between that whatever i learned 90 of it went away and i had to start over again kind of like what the way when i try to learn

french i do it hardcore for three months then leave for fucking four months and come back. I just never get to it. So anyway, why am I talking so much when you're- No, no, no, no, no, no. No, because you're one of the few guys in our field with the comics that have put himself out there and tried to do movies. And the fear is, not, not that many.

A lot of guys get into the lane of podcasting and stand up and then that's where they live. And myself being one of them. Oh, you mean now? Okay. And you've done things in this business that, yeah, yeah. Now, and you've done things in this business, which make you really uncomfortable like SNL hosting snl and i mean you're one of the first guys i remember paneling often where it was like like everyone's like oh i want to panel now you know um and i and i i've been thinking about you a lot i'm dying to know what it was like because when you work with someone

who can really act like i think me and you are like jobbers right it was like. Cause when you work with someone who can really act like, I think me and you were like jobbers, right? Ham and eggers. But when you walk and work with like a Marissa Tomei or the women I'm working with right now, and they can really act and they all of a sudden flip that switch and they make you act.

You're like, wait, what the fuck did you just do? No, but that means you're a good actor though. Cause you're listening to them and you're taking what they're giving you. Cause that's all you got to do dude it's like um it's like jamming with people that are better musicians than you are yeah just don't get

outside of what you do like i remember uh i had a i had a drum thing coming up and i was no i was gonna go see this this, Victor Wooten, who's one of the best bass players in the world. And he's at this place, Crash Mansion or something, downtown LA. I don't even know if it even exists, but I just had this feeling he was going to call me up on stage because he was that kind of guy where he didn't give a shit. And one of my, uh, my buddies gave me, I go, dude, he's going to pull me up there. I'm going to make an ass out of myself or something. He goes, dude, just go up there and do the Phil Rudd thing. Just lay down a beat, and they'll be on top of it. It'll be fine, and you'll get away with it.

I went to the show, and he's just bringing one beast after another. Hey, this guy played on the Thriller album. Come on up and play keys. And he does them first. And he goes, there's a comedian in the crowd. And dude, if I wasn't there with my wife, I wouldn't have gone up. My wife looked at me. She's like, you have to go up. And it was one of those moments in life. Like I've had so many, my legs are moving as my brain is going stop stop turn around run out the door and i walked all the way up there i just sort of grabbed the mic and and i made some jokes or whatever so people kind of understood that i was a comedian i mean they do this was in the 2000s like nobody had any fucking idea who i was yeah um and i just went

up there and i did what my buddy told me to do. And it ended up going great. Bit of a train wreck because I didn't know how to, I had never done it. It was weird. I'd played, once again, introverted and shy. I played drums for 20 years by myself. Like other than jamming with my brothers when I was a kid, I just played by myself. And that's what woke me up of like oh music you're supposed to do you're supposed to do with other people yeah so um getting back to the acting thing just go in and and if they're if you're working with great actors you just give them what you got they're gonna then give you what they have and then you just react to it and then that's it and then also know that you don't have to be gigantic little things little glances little fucking things really become big things on people's flat screen tvs and if we

ever get movie theaters back which i hope we hope do. That's about all I know about acting. So I just hit the fucking piece of tape and I say what they wrote. And if they don't like it, I just go, just give me a line read. Yeah, I have no problem with the line read whatsoever. My problem with the marks is every time I walk up to my mark, and this is how I do it. Hey, what are you guys doing? Don't do that. I've been doing that. What you gotta do is I always make the character's choice

that this guy looks at his shoes a lot. So I just sorta saunter up walking like this, and then, but you kinda ease into, what you wanna do is you wanna catch a piece of tape when it's further away from you. Yeah. Okay? In helicopter, that's more of a low approach. You don't want to do a steep approach. You can't come walking up

going like this. Especially with the ugly top of my ugly head. You don't want to be doing that. Dude, I do that shit. I do that shit all the fucking time. That's the number one thing they say to me is stop looking. All I'm doing is trying

to find that yeah they'll shoot around it enough times the thing about is if you give like a glance far enough away of it i think they can shoot around it yeah because i've never actually seen in my my stuff that um i don't watch my shit so maybe they do watching all these assholes listen to this they're gonna fucking he's clearly right there looking at a tape. It's one of those scenes that starts with you sitting and you never get up, and they still think they busted you. Oh, by the way, I love sit-down acting. Oh, yeah.

If you're a nervous Nelly, sit-down acting is great because all the nervousness goes into the chair. One of the most difficult things when you first start acting is standing up acting. I remember I took an acting class and the lady on to my legs because they just kept moving. And then they were planted in the ground, which was making me angry that someone was putting their fucking hands on me. And I was I ended up having like restless leg syndrome the class was laughing at me and i was just trying to get the fucking line out but i was just so well back then yeah i was so uh like i don't know someday i'll smoke a cigar dude dude. I figured myself completely out. I'm not saying I won't make any more mistakes,

but I totally understand what 20 to 50 was now. What that was. That fucking shit show. I know I got good at doing stand-up comedy, but my personal life, the shit I did, the people I hurt, the way I hurt myself, the fucking drinking and smoking and all the shit I did, I now know what that was all about. So. I want to go back and audition for all the roles I didn't get now that I know that... There's a confidence. Once you can act...

Well, not can act, but once you do something, then you go, well, shit, now I want to audition. This makes total sense. Yeah, but the thing is you had to go through all of those things. Yeah. Oh, dude, I had some brutal ones. Oh, I had Bill... Dude, I had one one time for Boardwalk Empire when it first came out.

And I was thinking, oh, my God, Martin Scorsese, blah, blah, blah. And they wanted me to do some accent from the 1920s. And like, I'm like, well, let me try. Like, what do you want me to do? I had no idea. I didn't get a voice coach. And then I went in there. The way it was written was the way people talked back then

and i just couldn't like and where i was my head i was so scatterbrained i was moving a lot when i was doing stand-up i was sweating on stage i was just like i was in motion not in a good way and none of the emotion was connected to what the fuck I was doing. I was just an abused kid. Now an adult trying to figure out fucking life. So I went in there, dude, and I just fucking,

I don't even know what the, I don't even know what I did, but I was like, not only will Martin Scorsese never work with me ever. No one will. And I, and it was filmed. And I wanted to say when I walked out, like, you're not going to show him that, are you? And now I know the deal is if it sucked, she's not going to waste his time.

So he never, hopefully never saw it. I bombed with Gregory Hines, rest his soul. What? I thought I told this story on this one. No, Gregory Hines, rest his soul. What? I thought I told this story on this one. No, Gregory Hines. Oh, Bert. This story might make me go drinking again. It's still every once in a while I think of this.

And you know, like I used to do a bit on this where you just make a noise to try to shout the memory out of your head. You know, like you just think of something. You'll be with people and they don't know you're thinking about something. You think about something stupid you did. And all of a sudden you just be like, oh, it's just like, what's the matter? Like, oh, nothing.

I just my back, my back. It's just like, no, I'm thinking of shit that I did that I, oh, my God, dude. I always have to cover my face when i tell this story so i will there's no way for me to equate the humiliation of this now that i've done this big buildup but i'll just give you the meat of the story here i went in for this thing and they were really behind they were like an hour behind the producers were there you know and i hated going to producers like everybody's like you want to go straight to

producers you want to go straight to producers because you've it's like march madness if you got to start in the second round so you already get a rather than just i felt way more comfortable one-on-one with one person i didn't want to go in there with the crowd because, you know, I used to fantasize. Like if I had a two o'clock audition, I used to fantasize about 2.30. I'm going at 2.30. It's going to be over. This knot in my stomach is going to be gone. I'm going to get something to eat.

And then I can, like, you know, in the hockey games, you know, that was back when like the Red Wings and the Avalanche had these great rivalry and I would just go home and watch that on my big stupid square TV. So anyway, so I have this audition

and they were an hour behind. There's a bunch of producers in there and I don't want to be there and I just, so they end up going to lunch because their lunch arrived and they sat and they because their lunch arrived. And they sat and they ate their lunch.

They were an hour behind and then they had lunch. So if my audition was at 2, it was 3.30 or something. And I was sitting there and I was just feeling all of this negativity. I didn't want to be there. And I was just like, dude, these are all producers in here. If you're ever going to make it, you've got to start crushing these things. Go in there. Be lighthearted.

Make a joke. So I was like, all right, when I go in there, I'm going to make a joke. Be friendly. Dude, I had to learn how to be friendly. I was one of those people, my resting face, people would just look at me back then and be like, dude, are you all right? And I'd just be like, yeah. Yeah, what the fuck? I'm fucking sitting here. Is there a fucking problem with you like that's that's the guy I was so I walked in there and they're like hey Bill Bill hey how are you

and I was like and I what I wanted to say was like I'm doing great man how was your lunch that's how I that's in my head that's the way it sounded but with that face i came in i went they went hey bill how you doing i went great how was lunch and they thought i was shitting on him they thought i was shitting on him for taking a lunch break they thought that i thought i was so important dude and i came off like such a dick they were like um sorry i mean it was hot we we had and i was just like oh no no i didn't mean it that way and then and then this guy taps me and he goes you want to do the scene and i look over and it's gregory heinz he was the star that actually showed up to the audition and i'm like oh my god that's gregory heintz and they

go in action and he was trying to improvise he was like hit me with the sides trying to bring some like he was such a beautiful generous person person the audition was over after i said how was your lunch and then i spent three and a half to four excruciating minutes with gregory heinz and then got in my fucking 88 honda accord five speed it's a nice car lx um bought it used five grand i fucking got in it and just was like just drove home oh and then the worst the worst is i get a little beep on my pager from my from my fucking agent because he wants to know how it went and the worst part was when i got by the time i got home to my apartment there was no message which means he found out how it went because usually if i did well there would

be my little beep thing yeah i'd stop at a pay phone i can't believe this is the way the world was back then i know or i would get home and it'd be like the hey you know that agent hey hey call me back you got a call back for that thing or the best was when there was like two or three people oh yeah uh i've got i've got andy cohen barry cats and uh for bill burr call us back when you can and you're like oh yeah all right there's an offer right so oh my god dude and like i actually now can think about that and laugh about it but dude that fucking that that's that thing would haunt that fucking audition haunted me it haunted me and i mean it was one of many things like that that made me leave la and just go back to new york and just because i was really watching chris rock's

career being like this is a fucking guy who got on snl real early in his career before people could see what he could do as a comedian he got some some stuff. It didn't work out. And then he said, fuck this. And dude, a lot of people don't know, before Bring the Pain, he put out a half hour special that, dude, when I tell you from the second he got out there to the, it was one of the hardest I ever saw anybody kill. Standing ovation, fucking ripped.

And I remember that was the first time I had seen him since MTV half hour comedy hour. And I thought he was great then, but I was just like, wow, man, that fucking guy is a beast. And then Bring the Pain came out, that thing hit, and then all of a sudden I'm seeing him as second lead in a Morgan Freeman movie. So I was just like, wait a minute. I have this fucking hall pass here. If I can build like a following, I don't have to go through all of that shit. And as long as I take acting classes along the way and work on stand up acting and all my weaknesses, I can do then do the Seinfeld thing,

which what I watched him do was, I remember one time he accepted an award and he actually goes, I'm Jerry Seinfeld and I am not a good actor, but I've shown if you surround yourself with enough talent, something like that. It was really self-deprecating, really cool acceptance speech.

And I was just like, you know, just that thing. It's like both of those guys I idolized and I was just like, all right that thing it's like both of those guys I idolized and I was just like all right I'm gonna have a I'm taking that from Chris I'm I'm taking that from Jerry I'm just and I'm was I was putting together my own little business model of how somebody who just did what he did with Gregory Hines rest his soul um and and on that scorsese thing i i like how the do i how do i pull the red truck out of the mud on this one so i just went yeah i went back to new york and i just tried to get better as a comedian as i kept taking acting classes i think that's that's what they're doing on this movie is they have

surrounded me with people that can really act where you're like mark hamill i mean we did this scene the other day and i'm like and i was just like he got close to me and it caught it made me uncomfortable i was like oh that's how i'm supposed to be right now like i'm supposed to be and i guarantee you he was doing it and he could feel that it wasn't there. Yeah. So either on the next take or some of those guys or women within that will do shit like that. Oh, oh, hardcore.

My wife in this did one thing like that. My daughter. I mean, it's insane. When you see them do acting stuff where you're like. We sound like morons. When we see them do acting stuff, I'm good sitting down, but stand up. It's like a Brian Regan bit. The yellow one is the sun.

Hey, anybody watching this, this should give you hope. A couple of dumb asses can somehow get into this shit. I'm so, there's so many like, like I'm watching movies now. Like I'm watching, I watched The Hangover today and I was like, God damn it. Zach Galifianakis is fucking phenomenal. And he's fearless. And he's fearless. His choices are not, dude, his his choices like if those things don't work

there's people looking at you like what the fuck is that like him in baskets him in uh um um between even just that stuff he did like between the ferns all the hangover stuff uh there was one other movie i didn't even see the movie I just saw the trailer of it and he did that ridiculous over the top laugh it's kind of like my laugh sometimes where you're just like but he did it so long

like he almost thought he was going to pass out and I remember when that came out I was sitting there watching that going like I need to figure out how to get that free acting because there's no way you're you're ever gonna come anywhere near what that guy's doing because he has total access to whatever whatever idea he has he's just gonna go fucking I so yeah there were some guys in my acting class men and women

that that were that were like that um there's a few people on snl right now that i watch i mean they're all fucking amazing but there was a few that i watched that had some really big things that they were doing and the level of commitment that they had. Fuck the response. I mean, obviously they want a good response, but I got a lot out of that. Like just,

you know, dude, you're just like speed dating. How do you do sketch comedy? I just was watching them. It's just like, all right, this just totally 100% commit to everything that you're fucking doing.

Yeah. And then if it doesn't work and you make an ass out of yourself, you have to shake that off like a relief pitcher that just gave up a bomb to the upper deck. You got to do the Clements. Give me a fucking ball. Just we're still up by one. I'm getting the next two guys and then we're,

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Visit brightcellars.com slash billbert. That's brightcellars.com slash Bill Burt. That's bright, C-E-L-L-A-R-S dot com slash Burt. That's bright, C-E-L-L-A-R-S dot com slash Bill Burt. Join the thousands of members who have discovered the wines they love. Listeners get 60% off their first four bottles. Order at bright, C-E-L-l-a-r-s dot com slash billboard yeah that's for people like me that you have to spell it out what's the mckinnon kate mckinnon oh yeah she's ridiculous that fucking person is so good that i'm like, I watch her and I just, um, well, and you know,

I think there was a, and I say this honestly, and I know that I'm going to get shit for this, but there's an arrogance when you do comedy that you like look down at like sketch and you're like, okay, improv. You're like, I do stand up. I, you know, I would say there's more in fighting because people, people like... Uh-oh. I lost you. I lost you. Say it again.

Okay, there you go. There you go. There you go. You said... You were saying that you looked down. I feel like there's infighting amongst the different genres of comedy. What's your take on it? Oh,

that Kate McKinnon has redefined my sense of humor. Her, uh, fucking Tina, like the women, all the women from SNL fucking kill me. But Kate McKinnon, God damn it.

That person's funny. She is just fucking funny. And then you'd act in a movie and you go oh shit i think i have a new respect for like all it's almost like uh it's like uh ipas you remember when you were like like kind of like alcohol yeah i go i go i don't know ipas kind of suck and then you get a good one you're like oh shit there's like a whole variety that I got to sample. Well, IPAs, it's a different kind of drinking. An IPA is like mature, who's going to be like,

I am going, this is going to actually be like drinking a meal. It's going to be so fucking heavy. I'm going to sit here and enjoy this and have this one. And then that's it. But I think when you drink to get drunk the way i do like i i just felt like i was i was you know running with ankle weights it's like i'm trying to get fucked up here and you you it's just this is too heavy and i think that's with with comedy when you look at kate mckinnon or someone like that or like Will Ferrell or all the

like Kristen Wig oh my god shut the fuck up that laugh is a different laugh yeah I always thought you know I always thought that there was a an odd sort of infighting amongst sketch

improv and stand up yeah and like uh oh man i remember uh another thing i tested for a tv show called fame la remember fame i wanna live forever Remember Fame? I want to live forever. Yeah. They were doing, that was based in New York. So this was going to be Fame LA. And I was going to be the comedian. They were going to have a standup comic that was for some reason in this,

this performance school. Right. Yeah. So, you know, I got a call back. I am a comedian. So it was going well. and then we went down to the improv and the guy coaching us for they're gonna we they wanted us to do improv in front of the show creators and he kept saying to me going like now this is different you're a stand-up comedian

where you say the same things every night and but but he just kept saying that and in my head i'm like fuck you mean i say the same thing every night i don't if you knew anything about stand-up comedy is that you can do it that way or then everybody i like you go to your act as the last resort and you're just doing your act as you're trying to think about the shit you really want to talk about so that's sort of like your safe zone. All right, I'll do this fucking bit now, and then, you know, hopefully something else. So he just kept saying that, and that I'm comedians. We used to all shit on improv.

Sketch we had, like, respect for, though. I felt like Sketch because when I was coming up there was SNL in living color and then Mr. Show and Mad TV and there was just it was just the shit was funny so um but I I felt like I I did a pilot one time another failed show and one of the writers an actor um he was just talking one of the he was a show creator and he was trying to create this show with me and he he just did this little fucking slight about the laugh factory and oh dude i i i didn't let him up i didn't let him up i just fucking went i go oh what happened i go you did stand up a couple times you couldn't do it so now you got

a shit on it he goes no, I'm just saying. I go, no, that's exactly what you're doing. Everybody started fucking laughing at him. It was good natured. Yeah. But like, then it kind of became the running joke where he would deliberately make these like sideswipe fucking, you know, backhanded compliments about stand up. stand up and um I I think that uh there's a lot of people that shit on it because there's nothing worse than a bad comedian yeah you know I know you know a bad play bad Improv there's some bad

to get stuck in but if you're just sitting there just watching a bad comic, at least with the white crowd, because what I always loved about a black crowd is black crowds were like, we're going to have fun with you or without you. So either you make us fucking laugh and we'll come along for the ride. Or if you're not laughing, then you're going to become the joke. And then the crowd is going to be doing standup about you.

That's kind of what I learned. Is improv completely a white man's sport? Because you never see all-black improv groups. Or at least growing up, it was always a bunch of privileged white kids. All the birds about to get canceled. Someone's going to be like, canceled, someone's going to be like, actually, Zachary Roosevelt Washington was the first improv artist in 1862. But think about it.

There's a patience that goes along with a all white improv audience that may not happen in urban rooms. So there you go. No, no, you adjust to the speed. You adjust to the speed. It's like going from high school... Wait, do you know of any all-black improv groups? I don't know an improv group, dude.

Improv groups. But I'm not going to sit here and think that fucking... That doesn't exist. David Alan Greer, that guy went to fucking Yale or something. I'm sure he did some improv. No, no, no. I think black people do improv, but most improv groups are predominantly

like college kids, like white kids going like, all right, someone give me a job. Give me an occupation. Give me a scenario. That's probably just our white world. You think? Yes. That's why I like when they try, whenever they try to figure out who invented something like years later it's always like actually it's like we say oh you know we came up with flying we we did the airplane thing and then

it's like well actually there was a guy in france did a few years before that and then there'll be some uh this guy over here did this so so I mean, I don't know. I'll tell you right now, Bill. Why improv so white? There's an article written about improv and the lack of diversity within it.

And there is a black improv troupe. God damn it, I wish I had fucking glasses right now. I'm not going to say the name of this improv troupe because it is not words that should be coming out of my mouth, but there is a black

improv troupe. It's the we, as in the French we, right? O-U-I. And then... Yes. Yeah. But, yeah, there is...

You're going to have a difficult time getting fucking a booking in a white establishment with that name. Yeah, hi, who do you have down there tonight? Oui. N-word. Yeah, yeah. But it's the formal uh n word germ with an o

i don't know what you're saying but i'm not gonna sit here by the way i'm a racist 25 000 pyramid you get myself in trouble here no No, but nobody. Pass. Yeah, the, I just, watching Prov in New York when I first moved to New York and it just, and I watched it one time and I came back the next night and it was all very similar to what I'd seen the night before and I was like, it's like when you see a guy that's like, oh, he's great with crowd work,

but he's not really doing crowd work, he's just setting up his own jokes yeah it's like the first time you do stand up that is improv it's your first five minutes you can't even remember most of it you just run in your yap and then what happens is then then all of a sudden you have what works and then you don't want to go to that you want to have new and be in the moment and all that. But if you have to, you go to your act. Improv, they have like, I would think, you know, there's only so many occupations. You do enough shows, your brain goes to experience

since that you had before or whatever. I just, I think, you know, however you want to do it, I don't give a shit. But when I was younger, I definitely had that, you know, however you want to do it, I don't give a shit. But when I was younger, I definitely had that, you know, I thought sitcoms were stupid and I thought fucking, you know, improv is dumb and all this shit. I had all these stupid, if you do a commercial, you're a fucking sellout. I had all this dumb shit.

It's amazing. Is is that is that is that to protect ourselves because i felt the same way and even getting into this i was like it's like a weird way i had real visceral thoughts about actors and movies and and then all of a sudden once you're okay with it you're like I don't feel that way anymore. Like yesterday. What happened is when I was younger, I was like walled off emotionally. So that's why when I walked into a comedy club for the first time, after everything I had tried in life, I immediately felt at home. Even though I was nervous, I was just like, these people are the same.

I wasn't able to articulate this in my brain. But what was, I found people that were the same kind of crazy I was just like these people are the same I didn't wasn't able to articulate this in my brain but what was was I found people that were the same kind of crazy I was so it felt regular it felt normal and then when I would get an acting class when they were a little more kind of like you know open emotionally and there was more caring and uh fostering of feelings like i just got like douche chills and like oh my god this is so fucking i mean i would think this is so fucking gay because that's what you said back then what you're not allowed to say anymore but that's what i would be thinking i'm just gonna be straight up honest like i not like gay, homosexual, more like gay. This is making me feel uncomfortable. So, yeah, and then, yeah, dude, I've had a fucking epiphany about the first half century of my life. Now that I'm on about the 12th or 13th hole of my life i've it's not even the first half you know 13 hole yeah so i'm kind of like yeah i at all it's kind of cool because it all makes

sense and i understand that it is my fault because i didn't have the fucking information the things that i did are still my fault but I at least now know why I did them. Instead of just being going, oh, God, I hate myself. I'm a fucking idiot. I'm a piece of shit. How come I can't just say, I hope you enjoyed your lunch without being a douche, and then Gregory Hines is looking at me, and I fucking hate myself? It's –

So now as a legit actor, do you, are there roles that you would go? I would love to try that. Like I watched Kevin Hart, man. I, I'm, this is where my brain is. I watched Kevin Hart, uh, get out of the box and do that one where he's the, you know, takes care of the paralyzed guy. And I just go, why would he ever do that? Like, why didn't he just do comedy?

So fucking funny. and I just go, why would he ever do that? Why didn't he just do comedy? It's so fucking funny. And then you do a little acting and you're like, oh, I understand why he does that. Or I get that. You don't want to play the same thing every time or you don't want to

you also don't want to get pigeonholed or whatever. The good thing about being a comedian is if you actually get into acting then you actually have another source of income so you actually get into acting then you you actually have another source of income so you don't have to do shit you don't want to do so i kind of look at it like um is is is if this if it looks like you know if they're going for something great whether they get there or not if they're going for it if they whether they get there or not, if they're going for it, if they give a shit, then I'm all in.

Because I've been on a few things where people have like, you hear them going for the trope, acknowledging it's a trope. And you're just like, you're just going to do that? It's like, why don't you use the trope as the jump off? I get that because it works for the story and trying to figure out a way to do it differently or do something. You know what I mean? But when you just see people that are just doing minimal brain effort and it's just we're making a movie or a tv show we're writing a script and um that's when i i then it just yeah it feels like shoveling wet snow i'm like oh my god this this is gonna suck it feels like shoveling wet snow yeah like this

is gonna suck and now how many more days do i have on this fucking thing but if there's like people you know really trying to do something good so i don't know i i think if you if you if you i get going for the money i get that because it's just like you got kids i want to get i'm do this fucking all right i'll put on this fucking spandex and be fucking garbage disposal man or whatever fucking, you know, I get doing that. And plus a lot of those superhero, I'm not really shooting on superhero movies because a lot of them are good now. I get sometimes actors doing that because I'm like a comedian. Once I prove I'm funny, I can just, you know, the the improv i don't have to keep re-auditioning for those guys they're just all right this guy you know you sell tickets all right we'll come

back we assume you're going to do what you did the last time with new jokes but actors have to just keep auditioning and audition their whole career they just keep having to go back and be like i can do this or be like they're like win an oscar it's like yeah but you want an oscar for that you can't you can't do this and it's just like well that thing i wanted an oscar for why that's not who i was so why why wouldn't you think i can you at least give me a shot like i remember seeing jim carrey had to put himself on tape to to to do the that andy kaufman movie yeah and i'm like he's a stand-up comic he knew andy he he's like he all of this brilliant he's been doing and plus his movies you know we're opening up 30 million a weekend he still has to go down

and be like okay jim carrey auditioning for man on the moon wow i remember that being like what the what the fuck is do i even want to get in on in on that and then you look at him in that movie and you're like i mean i don't you know i i don't think you got to see the making of that dude you got to see the making of that and he does a bit where he's being uh uh tony clifton and there's a convertible car he gets in the car and reenacts the jfk assassination with it's one of the most brilliant fucking things just i right and i got to do snl with him and i asked him i go dude did you work that out and he just laughed man i was just fucking around

it's just like jesus no that guy's like um he's like i don't know how to describe that guy's brain. That guy's brain. Maybe, you know, as you talk about Jim Carrey, I go, I wonder if I kind of slept on him. Everyone appreciates the movies he's done, but when you go, oh, the work he did. Man on the Moon, he really transformed himself into Andy Kaufman. Ace Ventura, to this day. Oh, my God. Fucking hilarious. You know what it was it's hilarious it was hilarious to me and i could watch it with my niece who was like five years old and i was like 30 and we were both laughing our asses off it was it's genius and then

also the the cable guy is he's fucking unbelievable in that amazing and there was some movie he did and the only reason why I got the reference was because I played drums and I used to take drum lessons from an old big band swing guy this guy Frank shushan he used to call himself the last of the great Armenian trap drummers that was his thing he was hilarious this guy and uh he was doing something and he went but that salt peanuts salt peanuts he was beating somebody up in a bathroom i can't remember but he made a reference to some bebop song it was a disney gillespie and later just from reading about him i I was like, oh, his dad was a musician. He was a jazz musician. That's how we knew that song. Because dude, it was like, what? When I saw that,

like nobody made a reference to that song. It's the song, something like the 1940s. He made a reference to that song like the 1990s, like 50 fucking years later. And what I loved about it was you either got it or you didn't and the small amount of people that would have got it and the only reason why I got it was because my drum teacher at the time was in his 70s so that's like when that guy uses his like his like I I feel like my references are kind of from here to here. Dude, his shit is like spanning generations. All of that stuff. He actually, when he was the fly on Mike Pence's head, i did that episode with him on snl he showed me

uh the second he saw it he had the sketch idea and he showed me the video that he sent to uh lauren michaels no way and it was just him in his kitchen doing it and he was like he was like doing like that he was doing like you know the mosquitoes like they moved it and moved that front legs he was he was making them and he was saying all this hilarious shit and i don't know what he had in his mouth but in the end he just goes like and he just pukes this thing up and it just perfectly splatters on the counter and then he's like all right man tell me what tell me what you think of that and i was watching dude filmed on his fucking uh on just on his phone it looked like an outtake from like an oscar-winning movie and i was so thankful he showed me after

i i did the gig because if i saw that before, I would have just been, cause I was already freaking out that he, him and Alec were, we're going to be on the beginning of it. And I'm just like, I can't fuck with these guys. Maya Rudolph. They're going to do what they do.

And then the show is going to be, it's like when the headliner has to get out of there and goes on first. Yeah. Like, come on people. We still got more show. I was going to come on people we still got more show i was gonna come on hey god what's up with monica lewinsky

i'll tell you man it's been it's been a really eye-opening experience to be this vulnerable like you know where you just go like am i doing good or am i not doing good and you just got a good place to be dude yeah you start thinking you're the shit like i don't i just i don't maybe for some people it works but like um if you give a fuck enough to be asking that you're questioning it to be a level of vulnerability people be able to relate to i'm sure it's gonna be uh it's gonna be great but um enjoy it dude definitely enjoy it i'm enjoying the fuck out of it i i i'm we went to uh the u.s ambassador's house last night in serbia oh we had a party over there it was dude i'm like i i i feel like a kid in a candy shop like i'm having so much fucking fun that i go i just

wanted to slow down some senator is gonna call that guy the fuck are you doing over there in the embassy partner the shirtless comic is that what the fuck you're doing over there i'm trying to throw a fourth of july party at his house that's hilarious how long you gonna be out there i'm here until july 7th oh that's great okay leanne's here right now leanne leaves tonight or tomorrow morning to go back to la she was here for the first week of production and she is brutally fucking honest like to the point where i was like i don't know if i want her around. Cause if I'm not doing good, she'll tell me, she'll be like, Hey,

you're not doing a good job. I was like, I don't think I need to know that. Yeah. Yeah. You do. You do. Well,

I mean, there's a way to say it. She was like, I shouldn't say it right. Yeah. My wife, my wife just was like, my wife is just like,

yeah. Is, is that what they're going to do? Cause that's like, not, she starts speaking in three quarter sentences. Yeah. I mean, I understand kind of, but like, you know, and then I go like, just fucking tell me why it sucks and why. Just tell me so I can fix it. Yeah. Well, I don't want you to get mad at me. It's like,

can you just rip the Band-Aid off? Yeah. But the reality is, if she actually went up and like, yeah, that sucked because of this, I'd be like, oh, really? Well, fuck me then, huh?

Because she's, I can't win. No, she came. We had a real big scene that we had to do. It was the last scene we shot right before we wrapped last week. And she came to me and she was excited. She goes, you killed it. And I went, wait.

And I was like, I know that you'll be truthful. I really did do good. And she goes, no, you did. And I i was like i know that you'll you'll be truthful like i really did do good she goes no you did and i was like everyone else is gonna lie to me you're telling the fucking truth yeah gotta have that yeah you gotta that can't can't have you can't have the uh the yes men or woman around you so so what is the store is the store at 100 capacity no i did the opening night there and and then I didn't do last week. I've been working on a few things. And also, to be honest with you, trying to be less busy to kind of tone down 50 years of being scatterbrained and running around with my fucking legs shaking. So I'm going down there, though there though this weekend i'll be down there

thursday and friday so yeah i'm just kind of looking forward and i have my first indoor stand-up gig right before you wrap in vegas i'm doing the cosmopolitan so i mean i don't know what the seating capacity is going to be but it is ve Vegas and it's going to be, you know, it's about six, six weeks out. So who knows where that'll be? But, um, I know, I just got a good feeling we're slowly going to come out of this thing and, um, it'll be back. you don't have to wear a mask if you're outside or whatever um i still kind of do it but like it's kind of weird like if you're vaccinated but i get i get it because the vaccine is still new they just they always err on the side of caution i wish people would just understand that about medicine like how many people like dude they said i'd never walk again and i fucking proved them wrong it's like they do that on purpose they they diagnose the worst case scenario so anything else looks like an improvement it helps your psyche and then it also helps them avoid a fucking lawsuit if you actually start

going doing the dude like oh yeah you'll be back on your feet. And then like, my fucking foot never worked again. He said it would work. You're in trouble. They do that all the time. So they're just erring on the side of caution. And just, I know it's not going to happen, but people would just listen and do what they say. and everybody does it, they're trying to walk 7 billion people out of the same fucking door. Okay? Stop climbing out windows and shimmying down the fucking spout. Just help them out and listen to them. Yeah. Well, no one's wearing masks here in Serbia.

I mean, not no one. I mean, people wear masks. Like, we were just in the grocery store tonight. Everyone wore a mask. But, like, outdoor dining is open. Do they have a vaccine out there or no?

Yeah, everyone's getting vaccinated. I mean, a lot of people are. A lot of people have gotten their first shot from what I understand. Oh, that's good. Or they just got their second shot. Dude, it's a win-win. But their numbers are pretty low here. You know Dude, it's a win-win. Their numbers are pretty low here. But it's a win-win

because either it works and this shit's over or they're trying to exterminate a lot of us and it'll cut down on all the pollution. You go friendly. I don't give a fuck.

I mean, yeah. you go friendly i don't give a fuck i mean yeah i don't i just i don't give a shit they're actually secretly trying to kill me it's like all right man you know i've had you know i had a good one i had a really good one i really have because i gotta be honest with you most people back in caveman days, you'd be lucky if you fucking lived fucking eight years. That's some saber tooth tiger coming and dragging you out of the fucking cave, shivering, living for 30 years, shivering your ass off. I have had television my whole life. I'm good. Baseball, games.

I got air conditioning. Yeah. Air conditioning. there you go which i believe was invented by a black person i was told that the other night for real yeah well you know they were doing that whole thing oh you know white guys are lame and blah blah blah blah it's like you know i think you know you know learning how to fly is pretty fucking amazing yeah i was just it was just comics going back and forth i go air condition is cool you go that was a black person i'm like all right there's a million other things you know you don't like cars fuck oh i got some arguments all the time that's how i ended up doing i was going to try

to do the you know the uptown all whatever they call me all black shows i was gonna do those anyway but when patrice and keith used to fucking sit around and fucking sit there talking all that shit that's why i went over i said all right i'll fucking go kill over there now what are you gonna do yeah and then i also pissed him off because i found out that it's actually easier to be the only you in a room it's so much easier all that shit female comics thank god you know it's just men yeah and there you are with your complete unique point of view as it's just more of the same more of the same same. Come on, dude, we've both seen it. Like, you know, as a white comic, you go up in front of an all-black crowd. All you got to do is go, oh, I'm fucking scared.

I don't know what to do. And then the music comes on, and I don't know what's happening. Wah! Right? And then you see a black comic go up in front of a white crowd. Oh, look at this white lady, all nervous. Huh? Racially profiling me. Oh, shit. know i need to get with a white woman because she got the

good credit horse it's very easy fish out of water is the easiest thing to play i am not like you i used to when I used to do those uptown rooms how much harder the black comics had to work in those rooms versus me all I had to do was get past the first joke and just prove I was funny and then you just became the mascot like oh isn't that adorable

I find this white guy humorous and they'd be up there flipping over shit beatboxing having to do everything you corny motherfucker and i'd be like that guy's better than i so oh anyway we're coming to the end here dude i know how grueling um just a small shit that i've done i can't imagine being the lead in something i'm very proud of you dude that is no small feat to get to that and to get it made and all of that shit so uh have fun at the u.s embassy and shooting your movie and we're gonna for those people watching because people were asking like is the bill burt thing over and it's just you know i

didn't know if you were publicly saying that you were over in like serbia i don't know if you put that out there yet no we put it out and yeah it's right i do i'm this is the fucking most connected i felt with someone just just doing a podcast hanging out with a buddy with your own sensibility where you're not on a set and you're not kind of you know measuring what you say and how you behave because you don't know everyone yet. It's been great, man. Oh, fuck. That happened to me the other day. I had to come in and I had to do a voiceover gig. Yeah.

And I did the gig and they were going like, that was good, just do it faster. And I was just like, oh, shit, is this like those old Law & Order gigs? Did you ever do a Law & Order? No. Dude, it was just like they were cramming so much fucking information in in 42 minutes that you would literally have to come in and just be like oh you're my mom you're gonna die oh jesus christ

that's terrible huh let me grab this gun like you just had to fucking blow through all of it so i was improvving that and i said something about rape right i just see this younger woman who was issues like it's just like i was just sitting there like bill just shut up just shut up just do the fucking lines and shut up because they're dude it's at the point now dude it is literally like the way i joke around is like an old guy being like 23 skidoo charleston charleston and i'm still joking but like i just like okay i get it a little bit rape that that that that that's i'm like okay yeah so oh that's great no man this has been a blast i think it's just because they're maybe like in the corporate world or something i have no idea but um anyways but you know the family thing is almost over. We'll do this again next week.

I'll do it from the offices so that we have a better internet connection. Okay, whatever. But I'll work around your schedule because I know, I mean, you're probably on it every day almost, right? Yeah. Did you just freeze up? Yeah. Okay, cool. All right, well, let's wrap this thing up so you can get some sleep awesome brother and finish your rosé all right everybody this has been another

wonderful episode of the bill pod all right brother have fun over there man i'll talk to you break a leg as they say in show business all right thanks everybody for watching. We'll see you.