The Bonfire with Big Jay Oakerson and Robert Kelly - A Hard Time Reading

Episode Date: January 3, 2025

The Rock & Roll Hall of Fame induction ceremony of 2024 had plenty of speeches, performances, and surprises. It was surprising to see how Dr. Dre can't read well and predictable that the great Method Man would save the speech when inducting Mary J Blige. Jay and Bobby sift through the prestigious night's events. Kelly Clarkson performs a Foreigner tune and Bob loses his mind at the sight of his crush nailing it. Everyone agrees that Sammy Hagar is the most worry-free rocker of the night. Dave Chappelle inducts A Tribe Called Quest and Busta Rhymes performs. Enjoy this new Bonfire episode-never before heard as a podcast! *To hear the full show to go www.siriusxm.com/bonfire to learn more FOLLOW THE CREW ON SOCIAL MEDIA: @thebonfiresxm @louisjohnson @christinemevans @bigjayoakerson @robertkellylive @louwitzkee @jjbwolfSubscribe to SiriusXM Podcasts+ on Apple Podcasts to listen to new episodes ad-free and a whole week early.

And now the bonfire with Big Jay Okerson and Robert Kelly. I love that song. It's a great song. I like songs like that. My headphones weren't on yet. Is this a new thing? I'm sorry. I'm sorry. You messed up. I apologize. This mic should not turn on until your headphones are on. My headphones are on. I was listening to the song. Yeah. Yeah. Because I'm older and I need more depth. Uh-huh.

You know, I can't just listen to the studio like you young bucks. I like the song because it's, it's like, it's like three different songs at one. Oh yeah. You know, it really is. By the way, I just, Marcus Silva, you've never lied to me in your entire life and we've been friends forever. He posted, uh, Tiana Taylor is going to play Dionne Warwick in a biopic. That makes total sense and she is now, because this girl does act now, and she also has those four inch way out of her face top teeth. Yeah. And it seems like if you're gonna play Dionne Warwick,

yeah, one of the biggest things should be that your first top eight teeth should be escaping your face You could be a stunt double on that huh We go we need lighting double and I just come there and go Oh So what is someone opening a beer on my head yeah Somebody pick up Dion's teeth right there You just let him talk for let fucking Sammy Hagar talk for you and just tell me you don't want to just go He's the only person one of you was like dude, you should come stay at our place.

I'll go to your place. I bet you have a cool place. I bet he does. I bet the room that I stay in, I can open the walls to be completely, it's like all glass. But you can open up and just look at this beach and drink most tequila.

It's just all Cabo Wago. It's all Cabo Wago. He's probably got his wife walking around with like a decent ass. And you're like, that's just all Cabo wago. He's probably got his wife walking around with like a decent ass And you're like, that's not badass. Yeah, it's a little freck little worse for the wear but no cancer yet Hey, dude, take the Cobra for a spin to take the fucking Cobra first. Is this his place? Yeah, come on. Yeah It's slaps I believe that you know when in Rome do is the Romans so in in Mexico you drink beer, you drink tequila, you don't drink the water.

My tequila! This is our first Cabo Wobble tequila bottle, which is porcelain. And anyone that owns one of these and hasn't opened it, fire you a check because most of the tequila's gone. You're going to think that, you know, maybe Eddie Van Halen came over to your house or something and sucked it down. My tequila! That was a joke. Maybe Eddie Van Halen came over your house or something. Oh dig. Nice shot. That was a joke. I guess we could actually slip into the key. That's what you know the band's not good. We have to say. I was kidding Eddie. I'm fine. Before you end the band I was joking. Sensitive prick. Master bedroom suite.

He's got a stair master. I gotta be honest with you. Having a stair master in your bedroom when you're Sammy Hagar seems fucking weak. Yeah, but that's when the stair masters just came out. that's when that was like oh my god having in your house alone Yeah Christine you don't live in Cabo Labo if I did at my house to be decorated better. Yeah, it's not that you wouldn't decorate like the fucking Aztec The bathrooms dope his whole Aztec is gonna give a fuck bathroom now the bathrooms dope his whole It's nice, but I've seen my wife as long as she keeps that ass in shape my right babe I'm kidding not kidding that bathroom sucks my bathroom is better than that 1997 that was stated as pull out to the beach

infinity pool Yeah, Mexico. Yeah, I can write these songs guys. We want to do I don't do I already heard I got a hit called rum drink You can walk on the beach and fight a decapitated people No fear we drink beer, what do we want? Do you have a song called Sammy chips? Rodney TVs on the beach I don't even know how this thing works, but I don't care everything he does is fun. What's the worst thing? He really is a fucking life rips. I do hate his bed though his bed sucks his bed does each shit

It has gargoyles at the head of it. Yeah Something I don't like it. Those are Aztec warriors. I keep those to catch my dreams. Yeah, I'm pretty sure he got his decoration from Apocalypto. He's got bottomless Van Halen money, and he just moved to a place where fucking you could buy half the country for $16. Yeah, I mean mean he's genius.

He's a fucking genius. He's not afraid to live in Mexico. No. So who gives a fuck? He's happy to be there. Does he still live in Mexico? Yes. Really?

Yeah, Cabo Wabo maybe. He fucking loves it. I think he owns most of it. A resort, it's a resort. Yeah, he owns, yeah. He does concerts down there every year still. Oh, I think he also just like Kid Rock in Nashville. He just pops on once in a while.

He goes, what do you guys wanna hear a song about, Rum? No he does. He's the first guy to do that shit. Just make a life outside of the business that people can go down and enjoy him and all his horse shit. And Hulk Hogan. Hulk Hogan also did that.

You can just go have dinner at Hulk Hogan's restaurant with Hulk Hogan I think at this point. He can't wait to dinner at Hulk Hogan's restaurant with Hulk Hogan. I think at this point He can't wait to talk to you Do you know the I am a real American is Sang by Rick Derringer rock and roll whochi-coo. I had no fucking idea Did you know that? Yeah, a lot of the wrestling songs are sung by really good great bands Not tons not ones that were written for the actual thing. They let me did one for a let me do a little age I think they had several people that tried to sound like rage against the machine, but it wasn't really really has a Her song is from I figured what band it is like a popular band her favorite band

What's the best walkout song ever? Not an original song written. I'll say it's not an original song But it was you it was their thing for the beginning of their career and it was the coolest walkout for a tag team I'll even give you that I Don't know British Bulldogs. No, dude. I don't even know they came out to British music Bobby. That's not the coolest You didn't like that song fucking where gentlemen were coming to play here we are fighting all day. That's not the coolest. Ah. You didn't like that song? Fucking... We're gentlemen, we're coming to play, here we are, fighting all day. That's Irish, sorry. How about this, if I give you, it's the Road Warriors. Do you remember what the Road Warriors used to come out to back in the day before they

were like big and like, you know, in WWE? No, what was it? Iron Man. Oh, is it then? Black Sabbath. Wow. So when you just hear that in the arena, mmmmmmmmmmm then you start walking out with the fucking spikes on it, they were awesome. Get it, oh, god damn it, Christine, bring up the road where he's walking out to Iron Man.

We're gonna get to your treat here, Bobby, I promise you. I hope we never even get to what the treat is. Buddy, I'm a sidetracking fan. Hell yeah. Go where you need to go. You know who else likes sidetracks? Donnie Wahlberg, he said to me. What?

He told me that. You're so sad. He told me that, you can hear it tomorrow. We would have been best friends. He also had some inner peace the way Sammy Hager. No, no, no, it's go to Ironman Yeah there. Yes, the one that says Ironman entrance It would kick in all of these two guys that are dead for sure That's creepy, oh and they came out dude this used to get the place would go to now look how empty this is but they were the coolest thing

in wrestling ever for easily a decade that's when fans could just literally go up to the stage Oh possibly front row yeah they can think it's real for a second just try to fight you yeah They can think it's real for a second to try to fight you. Yeah Shit and their costumes are so ridiculous. It was just shoulder pads from a football shoulder pads with spikes on them and and face paint That's just the most ridiculous easy outfit to make nothing was cooler though when they walked out though. Yeah I think both these guys are dead Um All right, go back. This is too intense to give me a little sammy hagar to lighten the mood a little bit

What's he good? Hey, y'all want to see a parrot land on my shoulder? Everybody sounds very happy. That's a good thing. Keep this a happy affair I'm here to induct for into the Hall of Fame He's a cancer whatever he's been drinking nothing, but tequila for 20 years Warner fans because you guys had a lot skip ahead. What is what is Sammy Hagar sing with them? Get to that first cuz right after Sammy Hagar is when That's him singing right there oh yeah Demi Lovato who by the way she's hot as hell she looks hot as hell and I said there's maybe can I make a public apology is Demi Lovato I know if you ever really dug into me a little bit you would not like me for the things I've

said about you one thing in particular I don't I don't take it back because it's really a fantastic joke but it may have hurt you I've heard your suicide all the times and you've got all kinds of drug stuff don't do that because of me what was it I want you to know that now as it stands I'm aware you would never fuck me and I would totally fuck you what did you say about her? Oh, I said Demi Lovato for a while. She said she went non-binary and she wants to be called them they.

And I said someone should tell them that they are still fat. That's great. The joke stands. It is. It is. God damn. Can't apologize for that. He joke stands. It is. God damn. God damn it. I'm so happy that was such a good one. So we told them that they are still fat.

She lost weight now though. She did lose weight. She looks fantastic actually. She sounds great too. Who was she with? Who was she married to? I don't know if she was married. She was like a Disney channel kid, I think. She came out of that world for sure, like child star. And then she developed a weight problem and I attacked her for it. But I wouldn't have done that if I'd known she was going to be hot.

Why would you? It's my fault. I bet she's a bad leg. By the way, Sammy Hagar still can sing in regard. He kept his voice. Yeah, he's a great frontman. Oh, this stupid... ...cat boy.

I bet he smells. I bet the top of his head just smells like cat shit. Oh my God, I bet his belly button stink would make you vomit. Oh, fuck it. Everything he wears just stinks. Just a Jewish aging leather shirted sweaty belly button. Yeah, when you fly with him too he's like a Hasidic Jew. He has to put that dumb hat in the overhead and take up luggage space.

He also has a belly button ring, by the way. Let's mention that. God. Now it's up to you. Skip ahead. Get to the Bobby's treat. Bobby? Yeah. I'm so excited for you. He's still in shape too, Sammy. I ahead, get to the Bobby Street. Bobby? Yeah.

I'm so excited for you. He's still in shape too, Sammy. I'm so excited for you right now. Yeah. This is big. I'm just gonna let this play out and let you fawn over it when it happens. I do love this song.

That's good, you stop it right there. They know. Get these pieces of shit out of here. Nope, I'm wrong. Skip ahead 10 more seconds. The singer's coming out. Welcome Miss Kelly Clarkson. Oh no.

Buddy. No. This performance is goosebumping me now. You don't even know how, where it goes from here. No. Oh my God. This was unannounced I believe. And it's Skinny Kelly.

Buddy, she kills this. Oh, why don't you call me? Turn it up. She went she kills this. Oh, why don't you call it up? She went high with it. Oh, she looks so adorable. Look at her bangs. I know I like little fat hands. I feel like I can get her. She's single. Is she? Yeah, she got divorced divorced he dumped him when she got chunky now she's on those Zempik and she lost all the way she

kills her I think she's got a hairy chin though maybe underneath her like 35 we all do yeah I know stop hitting her. Stop ruining Bobby's gift. Oh, J is all a farner on there. Shut up, Jacob. Come on, girl. Kill it, Jacob. Come on.

Get into it. Jacob, this doesn't look into it. I want you to show me I wanna feel what love is I know you can show me Give it up for Lou Graham! I'm gonna take the time He's coming out Lou Graham himself. I thought he was dead kind of yes. He's kind of coming out I'll tell you what he does much better than I thought he was gonna do. Oh god his hair is awful He has Jim Florentine hair But Kelly Clarkson knows how to lift him up oh Of course she does. Oh, she's not even wearing a belt. I thought there was a fat girl belt.

Oh! Oh, God, she's good. Nope, you can't do it. Don't do it, buddy. Stop it. Give him a stooge. He's doing his best. Oh, she made it into a love song Fuck you

Oh She brought it out of him Ah, I fucking love her She went another direction! She went another direction! She went another direction! Oh, I'll be... Oh, I'll be... Oh! Fuck! Love is greater than love. Yeah. Wow. Look at her.

It sucks that Kelly's taller than him. Jelly Roll can't believe it. What, that somebody was singing? Hey. Bobby's a fan of Jelly Roll's rap. You love his rap career. I love his country career Man that made me feel beautiful

I'm telling you right now Kelly Clarkson is The shit the real fucking deal. I've been watching Things on her show all the time and she always like covers and we get her on the show my question Sure, my question. I was gonna say yes say yes absolutely I mean it won't happen. Why? I think we can get her on the show. I can go just stand outside of the studio and see if she comes out the back entrance. She's here all the time with stalker.

Can we? Yes, it's a Christina Stregma conversation about women who struggle with weight. I'm also on not ozempic. What? No, we're all not on ozempic. I'm not on the throw up drug. I'm not on o Ozempic. What? No. We're all not on Ozempic. I'm not on the throw-up drug. I'm not on Ozempic, Kelly. Facts.

Wow, that was great. She was fucking fantastic. He did sound good, too. He sounded great. But with her, if he came up by himself, she really brought it out of him. I've watched videos of him at like performing casinos and stuff now. It's a bummer. He was unbelievable, his voice.

This, that was beautiful. She is amazing. We have to get her on. I wanted to hate on it. I was like, she fucking murdered that. He tried to hate a little in the beginning. I was like, oh no, her voice is unreal. Well, when he said Kelly Clarkson,

I was like, Kelly Clarkson? And then, go back to the first line she does. She starts the song way higher than I thought she should have and never like it never fails after that go back Christine bring it bring the heat It's called Kelly range. She has Kelly range First line god bless her It's a heavy-titted lung Come on who would have done that? There's no need for that. No one needs that.

Just show off, bitch. It's like an instrument. It's an instrument. Oh my god, if I was a thinner girl, I'd hate her. Oh, I love her. Look at her, a little. She doesn't even have to be thin. Christine, write her a letter about your struggles with weight and see if she writes back to you. Dear Kelly.

Make friends with her for me. I'm going to try to be her. Christine, I'll Kelly, can I work on your show? Christine, who do you want me to write to on your behalf that I struggle with weight? I dump Dawn, go with Kelly. We both get fat again.

I want to just be in her announcer, crowd warm on her show. The golden handcuffs. Don't hate me, Dawn, but I wouldn't stop Bobby. Bobby was like, dude, she's into me, it turns out. And like, I'm into her. And so I was just, but I can't. We just bought Max a house to live in while we and while we sit in a room.

We just bought Max a whole house. And I got me and Dawn a little better in this place. They should I leave with Kelly Clarkson? I go, yeah, yeah, you should. Yeah, I do. You should go. And I was. Oh,son? I'm gonna go. Yeah. Yeah, you should. Yeah, dude. You should go. And I would. Oh, we'd have such a great life together. Oh, man. I'll picture a fatherless Max living in a basement by himself with just a mother upstairs.

Who's just pissed. Who does not like men anymore. Who does not like men anymore. What do you mean, anymore? Talking about fucking being on the cusp of 10 years. Sticking it out on Max. That bitch only gets dolled up when she's going to visit a Lesbo Friends down in Hastings. I'm sorry, Maximus, I work all day. I can't make your dinner warm enough.

Oh my god. All right, skip ahead to the next performer who is... Wait, are we gonna do Peter Frampton? Can I just say something? Yes. I don't wanna do Dave Matthews. I wanna say something real quick. I'm the guy, Jay. Oh wait, go back a little bit.

I'm the guy that Kelly's looking for, by the way. Yeah? Yeah. Already attached? No. You have a child? No. He'll eat anything?

No. Oh. You know, let's move on. I forgot who I was talking to. I forgot you're always gonna go the other way. You both steal Halloween candy? Now get rid of this stupid fucking, whatever that guy there. Who's that? Is that Pia de Odo?

Oh, Dave Chappelle does Tribe, right? Is that next? Yeah. Is that before Franca? Is he funny? No, he's really serious about what they did. It's good speech. It's a good speech, but it's like it's not, there's nothing really compelling to listen

to for the thing. But I will tell you he gave a speech the energy Did you go? Yeah? Yeah, how could you tell it wasn't as comedy? Oh, hey, well, they were both three hours No, it's a good speech about Tribe Called Quest for sure He doesn't think he does where he includes himself in a lot of these stories of hanging together is that you're like, okay It's always has it means something. Yeah, he's like, and I remember after five dog died, I went over to Q-tip's house and everybody was there. Weenie Teefer, everybody, Rick Rubin,

everybody was there and I looked to my left and I saw someone else. Now what's really funny is they have him at a podium mic so at one point something gets said that he does say is funny and he doesn't't you see him walk away from the podium to do His ha ha ha slap the mic got nothing to slap on his leg. He looks lost He just circles back around quick goes back to the microphone. It's crazy He goes he goes

They're not gonna know when to to laugh. What do I do with my creative hands? Tribe Called Quest was good. You don't have to go to the whole performance. You can do Queen Latifah coming out. Because God damn, Queen Latifah, I always want to write her off as just like a fucking mainstream stooge at this point. When she comes out and does rap stuff, you're like, bitch can sing. And two, somehow gets more attractive by far. Went from being, I would have said, ugly. I did not think Queen Latif was attractive at all when I was a kid and she wore the hats. She's like a pretty lady. She's beautiful.

Very pretty. She's very beautiful. I mean she's always been a little dumpy. I mean you think you go on TV and you're the equalizer. equalizer you might get a trainer and you're not wrong a couple pounds but she didn't lose a fucking dime to do that. Not at all. But she but she's still a tub of shit throwing a kick. She looks uh but she looks in this she looks like almost argue sexy. Yeah. Yeah she's I thought she's always been sexy. Go get a little Queen Latifah. Beautiful face. Oh look who woke up Questlove. I bet she's got awful tits. I bet her tits are just a god mess.

I bet they have the black dots and that's the pores. She looks just so cool. Can I kick it? Can I kick it? Can I kick it? Yeah. She's hot. It's not Jacob's thing. but she could do she get military press Jacob

Now skip ahead and do it I'll tell you who knows how to do his thing She's pretty when Busta Rhymes comes out, you know why she's everything changes. She's pretty because she's always been proportionately fat Yes, like no no when she was younger. She got pretty big big never like morbidly obese, but she lost weight and stayed there She stayed it. Yeah, not fat not not skinny, but not fat, but her body. I like that type of chunky I call it an oof body. Yeah, I don't want to see like five different types of legs Yeah, I want one leg. Yes a fat leg a skinny. I don't want like four deer like a oh There's nothing worse Dave your knees muffin topping over your calf This when Buster rhymes comes out

He picks up the like the entire energy of everybody this guy just knows how to fucking perform Buster I'm really god damn. He knows how to perform. Is that common? Yeah You can't tell by his homemade clothes Jacob is why I want you to go over and tell him piece of the gods nerf look at uh He is terrifying the Clive Davis's of this audience yeah He is terrifying the Clive Davis's of this audience. Yeah I do love that. He just comes out with like split star This guy he's just agreed to let his career be I'll just dress sort of like you and come out wherever you are I did the same thing nice

Star for a while. I've done the same thing with you Bobby just dressed sort of like I don't know if you've noticed my hoodies stop More crazy get 92 His teeth are huge too bad he's great awesome here comes look at black thoughts stupid pants We love, we love. Bring it back. Say what? Powerful impact. Boom! Can't enough, bag it. I gotta be my man. This is amazing. Bro, can you? Very necessary.

When it ain't gone. Spon lock, bro. Let's go. Oh my God. Oh my God. Hitting like two, two like the one. Flavor Flav's going nuts. Where is he?

Oh, you couldn't see him. And I mean that. Go back and show him that there was this Flavor Flav. It just like, yeah, see glasses just jumping? It's Flavor Flav. Oh, I thought that. back and show him that there was this flavor flake. It's like yeah, you see glasses just jumping It's flavor flake. Oh, he falls apart you lose him in the in the blackness of empty space I thought that was the ghost of the rest of the gang. Yeah How is that gang? Sponsored the women's Olympic team for something. Oh, yeah sport no one cared about

Wooden horse riding or something women's Olympic team for something. Oh, yeah. A sport no one cared about. I thought it was like swimming or tennis. Wooden horse riding or something. All right, who's next? Well, we're going to skip. Oh, wait. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. No, leave this because this is one of my favorite things ever. So Mary J. Blige is next. We don't have to watch any of her. It's whatever.

Does she suck? She's just whatever. She's just not that impressive. She's going on tour and people are asking her not to go on tour. This was fun. Go to the beginning of this. Why are they asking her not to go on tour? Because they just say it's not... she just doesn't have it anymore like that. It's done? Yeah, yeah. It's like a J-Lo thing?

Yeah. Yeah. They're like, she's just heavy. She's like really heavy and like it doesn't look good. And she's still trying to do like the dance. It's just like... It's like little Kim. I love little Kim, but it looks kind of weird when she comes out now. I've seen her twice come out on things. And while I'm still like, ah dude, I love little Kim.

It's just like, she looks crazy. She's like a little meatball with fucking, she can't move anymore. So she's like, looks silly when she's dancing. But like, I love little Kim. This is- A little meatball. She's a little meatball, dude. It's a great way to describe it. This was funny to me because

Talk about doesn't matter how much money you have or whatever Personality is personality and they bring out dr. Dre and method man to induct Mary J blodge dr. Dre reads Monotonely off the teleprompter the entire time and has a hard time with it. And then Method Man comes right behind him and it's like talk about a guy who's just been in the front of the camera now and acted and do

everything. It is night and day from two people talking that Dr. Dre should almost be embarrassed like, you know, who set me up to fail out there? Why'd you put me with this wonderful reader when you know I got problems reading? I actually side with Dr. Dre on this. This is the bonfire introducing? If I just told you this was our ad reads. Can you please make the font on the really big for Dr. Dre please? And can you separate it into sentences?

Please play this. I mean, you guys really did have just it into sentences? Yeah, please play this. I mean, you guys really did have just a block of text when I showed up here. Not even a period or a question mark. It is true. You fucking drug addicts were just reading it. Yeah, this is great. Dr. Dre's like, Mary J.

I'm here to represent for Mary J. I'm here to represent for Mary J. Blige. That was off the dome. Me and Mr. Meth. All right, now's the hard part. Mary J. Blige has single-handedly created an entirely new genre of music now. Do you know what I mean?

He tried to make genre longer so he could pause. Everything is a genre of the next thing. thing I'm gonna make genre real long as I look at the next words on the page It's great I just think of surviving Compton How that surviving that Michelle a movie that she made did we talk about that was that was that before Bobby came? Yeah? Yes Michelle a the uh she was one of his on like protege's great song when he was younger. Yeah, great song awesome song and do do do do do do do do do do do do do Oh and in the word she says she goes a scream for me Bobby. Ooh That's what the words are scream for me Bobby. I don't know why Bobby, but that's what she says in the song.

Oh yeah, I know why. It was back in Juvie Bobby days. Yeah. Me and her, Michelle A. No More Lies, that's what the song's called, right? That was great, but she put out a movie that came one lifetime that we watched and broke down hard because this is how little people either don't give a shit about, dare I say black women, Michelle A. particularly, or anything anything is that dr. Dre has felt zero backlash from this

one of the things in her dog because she was the movie was supposed to be running concurrently to What's the straight out of Compton and hers is called surviving common so the story the movie even starts with her going You know everybody here's the story of uh, nwa, but I was there Let me tell you my story was happening. It's like him being abusive to her. I mean she portrays him as abusive Where I was like, it's always like he asked those questions remember like rihanna and chris brown Yeah, and people were getting in trouble because they were like man. I wonder what she did And it's like well what she did what to deserve it. He goes No, no, she didn't deserve to get to shipied out of her at all. I'm just what is it that she did she said something she said she was gonna do something or threaten to go through it

I'm just saying what's the thing? What was the catalyst? Michelle eight is the one time he just came home, and she was laying in bed, and she goes hey, honey How is your day, and he just straddles her chest and pulls her face to size Her face is so much free time in the face I swear to God And then she goes and then he like sucks his thumb and hugs her butt and goes to sleep and she goes and I went To bed. I felt bad for him What this can't be true or no one cares about you because you can't put this story out there in the world just like He just shoots at her

fires shots Can't put this story out there in the world just like he just shoots at her Fires shots Yeah, she's like she's I'm gonna get to know my friends. You think I don't care. I want to murder you And no one flinched no one bad at a fucking eye I That was like terrible. I actually, I apologized for my tone last night. Yeah. I'm not. Bobby, it was the most satisfying thing to watch as a man. He's like, she's like, I hope you had a wonderful day.

I cooked and cleaned for you. And he's like, yeah, yeah, just let me. Fucking stupid dumb bitch. She didn't do anything. And then at one point, he was like, I thought I told you to jacket for the video she goes I like this jacket he's like I hate when this happens just here and walk up she goes and she comes back I'll wear the other jacket and then dr. Rable somebody goes what's up guys oh you guys didn't just hear me being sure did out of her, did you?

I hope not. That would've been crazy if you guys heard that, because I just gave her a good beating in front of everybody. Shug Knight liked the nice guy in the movie. He is! I swear to God. He's the one that comes to our aid. She goes, Shug Knight, he's like,

you gotta get away from him, baby girl. You deserve better than this. You are a black queen. Dude, she makes Shug Knight, she goes, I don't know why Sh nights consider this bad guy. He was the best! They're like Louis giving Christine a pep talk. Crazy.

Wow. That walk home, Hi honey, how was your day? Shut up for a second. Oh, you bitch! And then he's like, now snuggle me. And she goes, I cry because I feel bad for him. She's not even in Survive. What is the?

The movie? Straight out of Compton, actually. She didn't exist. She's not in the movie. She's not. Yeah, she doesn't exist. In her life, she was the most important thing in his life, straight up into waking up with a smile in the morning and taking a good before-bed

beating And don't forget out before the evening shooting Yeah, and then before the evening gets picked up a little shoot. Just keep you on your toes You know if your heart starts pumping blood flows your skin looks better Oh, yeah, if I ever move and I get guns, I'm gonna wag one of Christina time for a go You look a little peaked I ever move and I get guns, I'm gonna wag one of Christine all the time for a go ahead and go, you look a little peaked. She's like, oh God, please don't kill me.

I go, there's my girl. Look at that coloring. There's that Armenian fucking carpet I fucking fell in love with. She actually grows hair on her face. She's so scared. Plato. Oh shit, when Christine sees a poltergeist instead of a white streaker hair she just all of her facial hair comes in oh god it goes you have to shave again you know Christine you have a full beard she goes we have a poltergeist

we have two problems we gotta figure out it looks like he found a defamation suit no dr. Dre against her? More troubles for her? He goes, you can't just tell people I came home and beat the shit out of you. That was pillow talk, bitch! Ah, shit. Yeah, now we're up to watch. This is why I was mad. She probably goes, Hey, how was thing? She goes, did you read the text I sent you?

Fucking bitch, you know I have a hard time reading. Hey, I sent you over a fax. Did you get it? Watch him strut. Method Man won't even look. Method Man's looking away because he's uncomfortable with how bad this guy reads. He goes, are you older than me? Young Mary to the world with her powerful R&B vocals

and a storytelling ability. You asleep at me? And sensibility. She in turn introduced the world to hip-hop soul Bobby's doing reading hands like you Beats and paving the way for countless collaborations between No, no punctuation no Nicole. No and love. Oh shit. No the colon no one love He just and he just moves on is that a different language? He goes folk a coke and no alone no alone. I mean, that's what it says

What if it really did say yeah, no, kaka folk alone What if it was a teleprompter guy fuck with them? Yeah, you see you and you see that trace face goes Where's cool that where's cool you think because you know when we do big shows together all the comics and there's always somebody who you No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, So I punch Celine Dion on the face. I think mess the man first of all not only doesn't look He just stays out of it while dr. Dre talks and then he comes in and this guy should run for mayor really Yeah, method man should probably if he wanted to could win mayor of Staten Island So in the masterful sophomore album And a masterful sophomore album released my life, which is one of my favorite albums that she recorded. Was he your favorite? Mary courageously shared her unfiltered truth about me. You know there's more words. Mary!

He actually reads like Christopher Walken. Mary! Congratulations! Thanks everybody for a soul! People! Goldman Kloppen. Can they not raise the platform? Why has he got to hunch over? He doesn't.

The microphone works. He just doesn't understand. He didn't move the microphone. He just decided to hunch down to it. Yeah. Mary J was hot back then. Actually, you don't have to. That's not what it is.

They keep it. It's a hot mic. You don't have to reach down for it. It's to be here so you can stand up and talk and not be blocked by a microphone. He doesn't understand that. He thinks you have to get up on the mic. But he don't understand none of that with and soul. Queen soul.

Mary. She, by, but cow is. It's because. Soul. Because, it's because. Funk. R&B. but cow is so Bonk and arm be hip-hop. I know hip-hop looks like three letters three letters only change one Life can be with relationships and sometimes he should have finished his part of this and then just sat crisscross applesauce next to the podium Method man you try now

You guys who wrote the the Speech for him would just crack it up on the back. Oh, I just watch this watch this he's going right now They go dude. I put so many words in there with silent letters Now she I could never repay the debit debbed Debbed It's dead. Yeah, that debt debt debt. Did they have may paid to funk hip-hop Method man is waiting in wait. Look at his face. He's like, yo, I'm such a good reader

The man is waiting and waiting. Look at his face, he's like, yo, I'm such a good reader. Yo, my mom got me reading when I was young. Do you think that they give these people the script that they're gonna read? They must. 100%. They practiced this 50 times, Dr. Dre can't read.

Did he practice it in a sink? Why is he bent over like this? I practiced my speech in a low mirror. I practiced it in in a low mirror. I practice in the guest bathroom Oh No, I didn't get my when I got the script for this You don't see I was touring Valley Forge the battle Valley Forge have the people were smaller back then You see we always had to hunch over

As her a collaborator He's waiting for the pale problem to be a part of inductive Mary J Blige into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame method man's like move please he's like take it away method man wonderfully good job doesn't read a word. This is what a college education All right, so Dre and I are here tonight to declare it Mary J. Blige is indeed the queen of hip-hop so He practiced She's the queen because everything why she looks like the lead singer Judas Priest

Like Ron how far did you become a gay man Mary J. Halford Mary J. Halford oh she's right now I know but let's just get this look how good method man talks you know you're in the presence of royalty royalty that came from the streets of yonkers, yo, and rose up to the stratosphere. And when you hear a voice, mm-mm. When you hear that voice, you know there's no one better.

That sound of that voice is unforgettable. But it's where that voice comes from that truly makes you feel good. Inflection? But it's where that voice comes from. He just knows how to put some inflection to. He's like, everybody, Mary J. Blige was a singer and she came up and she was from a place

and she made songs that are like hip hop. Yeah, but this guy, he has like women politician hands to those little when they clasp their fingers together, he's using hands, gestures, method man. He looks good in arguably. Tell me a cool black guy living Living not Denzel anymore Denzel is an old man now. It doesn't look that cool anymore Cool cooler now by the way you can't do any young rappers because every time you think a young rapper is cool next thing I know they're all their songs are about oh you didn't know I've been

Bisexual and blowing guys all these songs about blowing blowing guys I know they're all they're all gay like that guy looks cool And then it's like oh, and then you see we very bravely came out of Coachella with a butt plug in Oh, I didn't see that okay. I guess that's his thing. I know we have to we gotta take a break. Oh It's DJ Lou. It's Jacob. It's Bobby. It's Christine. It's Paco and It's Jacob, it's Bobby, it's Christine, it's Paco, and B-I-G-J-A-Y man, B-I-G-J-A-Y man. I'm all the way up. All the tickets and all other tour dates, please go visit bigjcomedy.com. AHHHHH! You can catch Bobby every Tuesday night, 7pm, at the Fat Black Pussycat Lounge, the Comedy Seller, for tickets and all tour dates.

And a bunch of content, go to PunchUp.live slash Robert Kelly. We'll be right back, tomorrow.