The Bonfire with Big Jay Oakerson and Robert Kelly - "All In The Family" (w/ Sean Donnelly & Joe DeRosa)

Episode Date: February 3, 2020

Dan & Jay discuss the dynamics between Arnold and all his children. Jay ponders the dating life of his co-host of The SDR Show and Gas Digital Owner, Ralph Sutton. Joe DeRosa has the cops called on him at the airports and the guys go on a google search adventure.

You're listening to Comedy Central! Hi, I'm Dan Soder. I'm Big J. Ocasin. And you're listening to the Best of the Bond Fire. Stay tuned to hear some of our favorite moments from this week. You can listen to the Bond Fire Live every Monday through Thursday from 6th APM on Comedy Central Radio, SiriusXM95, or on demand on the SiriusXM app. Also, be sure to follow us on all social media at the Bond Fire, SX hi it's jgibbon welcome to the bonfire best of the week shan don only was our

guest when dan and jay discussed Arnold Schwarzenegger and his illegitimate son in this instant bonfire classic once the Schwarzenegger thing came out that kid was in the public like all the time you know that kid had that wide Schwarzenegger face like the's a Mexican shorts and anger is hilarious too. Awesome. It's like when family got, when family got his cartoons where they're like, what if all the characters were dogs? You know, it's just something like that.

There's everyone who's on a shorts and anger. Everyone who's on a shorts, or it's like in the Simpsons where they go to Bronsonville and everyone's trials brought to the best. Hey mom, how about some ice cream? No, no, no. It's okay. What if Patrick, how about some ice cream? No, I think it's just. What if Patrick, what if our Schwarzenegger was a,

like a, what a, a cup away a teacher. What if his child was half housekeeper? That's the kid. Oh my God. Of course there is. Damn, dude. His features take up every, there is no empty real state on his face. You're trying to tell me Mr. Arnold might be my father. Mr. Armour, Abuela told me something very upsetting. Imagine being here for the moment they realized it, like the moment that it came up that he looked exactly.

You telling me this entire time mr. Arnold was just a good man I knew it was crazy mr. Arnold came to all my birthday party I was done with his weird that he was always in the house keepers room I mean do that's nuts that's that's jingle all the way Arnold jingle all the way Arnold is blowing back out and yeah and what's what? I said it three times that is that is so simply like him being home one day I'm like hey Maria Yeah, we start we start sourcing it I mean to you want me to take care of the day away

Because anybody ever asked you to clean this yeah, yeah, yeah jackpot It goes to have a big penis be honest with me just as an employee or two employee a Maria is good. There's things Maria won't do. She won't spit on it Wait, that's not true. That's not true. That's not true. That's not it. No, it's the it's just two sons Is that that's the other I'mers? Yeah, that's that's true. That's the white one So the the housekeeper's kid is a jacked a fucking adaras The one that actually grew up rich is like, is that kid gonna take my half the food?

You know what you get to have? And then your own food, he goes, is he coming for half his mind? He goes, oh no, what's splitting my desserts with him? You don't think he looks like Sean O'Connor? I'm just been talking to your dad. Why don't you spend time with your dad? Cause he always wants to run.

No, come outside. Jose and I have a very good time. No, I have son allergies, dad. Dude, and his fucking half-secret kid is jack. What? Well, he's trying to vie for his attention. My mental end of skeletons, different shapes, I'm a different model. He goes, hey, I was wondering if you were the glass side and do some log tosses. My my mental end of skeletons different shades of a different model I'm a tea 340 45 I'm a tea

Sometimes the 3 350 Depending on depending on my summer. he goes my neural net processor tasty Kids valedictorian of a school Dad goes just give me home school you can afford it. I Don't like the snacks school. Okay, but it gets very unhealthy that you're programming your Aussie cause to bring you snacks You know it's an healthy That's a healthy dad Andfft. That's in healthy, dad. And now there's empty room in me. He's not even my real brother.

Oh, that's when he was younger. I guess he's skinny or any younger. Dad, if you're not asking me my fucking milkshake order, get out! I'm pointing Xbox! You're ruining, I'm burning a campaign here. There's a lot of soldiers lives at risk and then he comes out bummed out by his real son You know and then the half half secret son is like you want to work out? I'll jump with you. I was wondering if my tricep pull downs have good form

Because I know it's actually on the resistance on the way up I was Yeah, he doesn't even know yet. He goes that is pretty good for my It's actually impeccable What are you doing? I don't know like three sets a day drop sir. I don't like ways good. That's good good instincts Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!

Stop talking! I hear it in my ear that's not covered by the earpiece! I want to green it! It's like Mr. On, why do I talk like this? It's serious. How was it rough for you growing up talking like this? Sometimes it was rough. No one ever asked me a question before.

Wow! You have given me a new thing to think about. Yeah! for you going up talking like this? Sometimes it was rough. No one ever asked me a question before. Wow, you've given me anything to think about. Hey kid, you're pretty okay. How about the first? You're okay too. You know what kid?

You're a real son of a bitch. You're a real boob baby shit. Wow, you're a... I haven't seen a vascular forum like that since... You're both mania shit. You're both mania shit. You're both mania shit. You're both mania shit. You're both mania shit. You're both mania shit. You're both mania shit. You're both mania shit. You're both mania shit.

You're both mania shit. You're both mania shit. You're both mania shit. You're both mania shit. You're both mania shit. You're both mania shit. You're both mania shit. You're both mania shit.

You're both mania shit. You're both mania shit. You're both mania shit. You're both mania shit. You're both mania shit. You're both mania shit. You're both mania shit. You're both mania shit. You're both mania shit. You're both mania shit. You're both mania shit. He got his dad's Austrian face on his mom's Mexican head. That's the problem. That is weird. It's too much face on too little head It's like when you try to do a creative character on a video game and it's too spread out

He looks like the cafe wall face that used to be looking at you and you're downstairs remember that thing Yeah, nothing was crazy. It was coming inside and cafe wall. It's still there. I think is a really it's certain times Yeah, so that's his son doing the aren't that's hilarious But other son is just a fat Son why don't you come with me and and the and the main and the main and the maid's key that the gym We're doing some supersets. Hey me and your secret brother What? Shut up dad

I'm giggling some news on line dad did you eat my all my joys Hey dad so I just put them away. I think you are eating too many of them Well, no, that's he has two other side. Oh, that's yeah, it looks like there's just one that was crushing That's the one was breaking off Cyrus Miley Cyrus from the truth. He's the most normal looking one. Yeah So funny. Are there the same age the one can go to the same age dude That one and that one so the fat one and the in shape made do that fucking suck you cannot there's not one Positive fun family to get together they have I would go as far as to say that's proof that there's a god

Yeah, how would you mind going talking to your dump a shit brother? Joseph Joseph I noticed how you loaded you played with protein Moe kaba hygrids I was wondering if you could go over the Christopher's plate. You know, no matter what's happening. There is a kale option here. We have kale. Maybe recommend some of your mother's hot sauce so it burns through. Dude, it's dad, you know I like beef. I like potatoes. And noodles. It's sony. Nobody, nobody puts cheese on Thanksgiving turkey. I fucking do Can't one of your maids you don't fuck to cook Hey, whatever the maids done sucking your dick around

Now Maria sit down He's Christopher took this very bad down I know he's Christopher took this very bad the one kid only comes to the intercom that's it and they talk to me but your other son he's a bit of a quartito mr. Amy for Jimmy Victor Mr. Ryan Mr. Dad Arnold Mr. Dad

Mr. Dad Arnold Joseph V. Dunsters very Don't know And Josie feed downstairs Very sad I'm very excited to see him Of course, town to come upstairs But only if I do calf raises together I have to do our repetitions of 10 calf raises On the way up from his cellar

Yes, shut up You are right outside my room I might see this chick's cam girls Boys Dad, cue your name This chick doesn't believe you're my dad She said she'll show me a picture of her snatch advice if you're my dad just coming here or waver. She's our chat rule Excuse me for one second. Yes, I am as far as she has to see your fucking face in it Everyone doesn't impression of you nice to meet you. You must be Alice you

Everyone does an impression of you nice to meet you. You must be Alice you I heard my son tips you know there's specific dances for him He's a very generous boy Maybe we could go do a push-slide on the beach together. I would love that. I would really love that Christopher can you make yourself dinner? I guess. Make dinner? Give me a fucking ordering it. $40. Give me 40 bucks.

That's way too much for pizza. Give me money for Grubhub. Yeah. I want Grubhub on mine. For service fees. All right. Because the place I like doesn't deliver here. You have to go through a third party.

He goes, you know, you! You know secrets, son. If you killed Christopher, we could spend a lot more time together. Paul, I show it love to get away with you, but Christopher is such a responsibility. I would take you to Austria. I would show you where I grew up. We're so fat, it's probably easy to make it look an accident. You have to understand I can't fly overseas in Christopher. Or also get heavy delay. You have to buy a true seat for the plane.

It's okay. It's Kevin Smith rules. You can't. He goes deep vein thrombosis. I'm worried about him going up to that altitude. He's gonna clut up. Mr. Arnold. Dude, that's so funny

Also, no twins two together. Oh my god. You guys are like real life twins Oh wow, it's crazy. Would you like a big Danny DeVito? You're forgetting the third rule in a cheating situation What's that? in a cheating situation with the the the the the the the the

the the the the the the the the the the the

the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the

the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the

the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the Chris the Ruth Boyd! Wow! Chris Schwarzenegger really taking a dump in this guy's head. You heard it's fucking in that house. Damn dude. He's on Roids, dude. And they she stayed the housekeeper for years.

He didn't have any suspicions. He was the father until the boy was seven or eight. That's what I'm saying. That moment we were like holy shit. Like she said, he said, he said, he said, he said,

he said, he said, he said, he said, he said, he said, he said, he said, he said, he said, Stop doing push ups. That's very odd. Is he doing them in a triangle formation? Yes. Let me watch the boy.

Is that his, that is my son? Oh shit. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow.

Wow. Joe DeRosa subbed in for an absentee and Lent J and Eare as he confessed his concern for his good friend Ralph Sutton. I did SDR last week I guess it was when we recorded it with you guys and tell me if I'm wrong there were a couple times during that show I felt like you were gonna rock Ralph in his jaw. There were a couple times where he's like, I decided to do it this way. And you're like, just do it the fucking right way, Ralph.

No, no, boy. That's so funny. You say that because we get a lot of feedback. Says like, Jay hates, we're then Ralph perpetuates that Jay hates, Ralph. I think Ralph is, I don't know, we've ever been mad with Ralph. He's a sweet heart.

He's like, what are your favorite people in the world? He's like, what are your favorite people? I mean, he's literally, he's literally, he's one of the people that I'm like, it's just a good guy. I worry about his personal life with women. His hair. I'm not that personal. It's a very public personal life.

I worry about that. I genuinely have questions, concerns. They are not rooted in envy or jealousy. What are you worried about? His age and what his like dating thing is so dumb. He just like has like the he has the sexual like not in the sexual life like a mound of fucking instead. That's great. Sure. It's the amount of fucking he does. Like how much his life is like built around that. It's like he'll like dog sit for a girl

a little bit because that's part of the long game, the fuckinger in a couple weeks. Right. That kind of shit. And it's like, I've seen him have people come in and for their first real hang is them staying in his house for three nights. Or just, it's always these like girls and if it makes sense like he's going, he's like, I'm going on a date tonight. Well, like two dates. Like, what do you mean? He goes, both these girls I met I said they've never had a three-some before so tonight's the night where I'm introducing We just like the story of that like Ralph can you have like an onk necklace with your shirt open more when you say that Look at the swigger Ralph. Oh, baby. No, it goes

It's way to post over in these village And so he says this thing and when I hear it I don't know why I don't get a thing when I hear it like Like dude, that's awesome now. There's people there young people working in the studio Who like dude you're my hero, bro, but when I hear that I just go what are you doing like you see I get it But it's like this is like you've been working towards this for weeks and doing the whole thing So I work as far as like a human being and a friend. Great dude.

Top notch. Great dude. I like him a lot. Did you see that? Did you see Uncut Gems? Not yet, no. Okay. Because there's, whoever's seen it, there's a character in Uncut Gems that is who Ralph

is going to turn into. Yeah. He's a guy in Vegas and Sandler's girlfriend has to share his helicopter with her, with them. And he's like, baby, you gotta come to the room. It's gonna be a party. I got a lot of friends coming over. And he's not even, he's just,

it's such basic like dating like he takes them out. He'll just say, you gotta take him up for sushi and we have him having sex. He's always like where I say, he goes, and then she go to front of me and I'll throw you some. And it's all like, you're like, awesome fuck story dude, great. That's good for you, but like, and it's? He was, and then she got in front of me and I threw him. And it's all like, awesome fuck story dude, great. That's good for you but like, the next day,

I just sat there and I haven't talked about how they're trying to start their own lipstick line. I don't know, I made a pure buttercream. Just the fuck. Right. All right, so you, all right, I'm glad to hear. I like Ralph a lot. I love him, dude.

Ralph, if you're listening, what are you running from? You all want to know. What are you running for? Who are you hiding? He genuinely thinks that girls in their 30s are like too old. He doesn't even look at girls in their 30s. He's blown away, but I go, that's insane because he also wants to have a family and he's 50.

Yeah, I'll also say this, Ralph, if you're listening. We all know Ralph. I'd like to know Ralph. We all know Ralph. I'm sure he was Ralph. Oh man. Yeah, no, he's connected man. He's connected in ways that few men are.

I would say Ralph, especially for a guy that is connected in ways that few men are. I would say Ralph is the way you go. Especially especially for a guy that is not you know in like a touring rock band or you know like that that that is not wildly famous. He actually has his day job like fighting Busy. He cultivates playlists of music that 20 year old people like he does that on purpose. He's like when I shower I listen to the whatever's the top 40 stations, so I know the new songs for the kids. It's funny, man. But the kids are fucking some of his 30-year-old children.

Oh, yeah, nah, I do. You want to go out for sushi? Baby-like sushi? Because baby-like this? Baby-like nose in the belly? You could tell. Baby-like nose in the belly. Baby-love-nose in the belly, you could tell you like nose in the belly baby love nose in the belly

You could tell from some of his questions to during the show that he hangs out with young chicks because like that But last with what I was on he was just like out nowhere. He's like Joe. Do you believe in ghosts? What the fuck are you talking about? Hey Joe, what's up? Your parents banging on you too? Your parents banging on you a bit? It's the worst, right? It's the worst. Sometimes I just want to get away and stay over someone else's house.

But you know, you always have to pay a little T for the killer man. If you know what I mean. What? It's a reference to it all. It's an old Kat, Steven's reference... Ew. Uh, dockin? What?

Crocus. I know. Post Malone. Yay! Post Malone, baby like Post Malone. And so funny. Baby like Led Zeppelin? Led Zeppelin music? He's got to catch himself. himself like Ralph. What kind of music do you listen to dude? I'm in the striper

I mean Billy Irish Oh, I'm a big fan of AC. Hey, AC that band. Hey, hey, you ever see that band? She's not a fucking band Lizzo that's why we're so she's not a fucking band Yes, Lizzo's though. I think Lizzo's bomb Do you just do any drugs even weed or anything so like he also has these young girls who always are like He's like you know, they're like doing coke and like tell like Because so I came here pretty much to act but I'll dance if that's what it comes down to and Ralph just sitting there Like in like sweatpants shorts. He's like, are you done doing that yet? Is it sex time now?

He's fucking he's Fred Gwen who crushes pussy. Ralph is Fred pushy crushy and Fred win red So are you done doing cocaine? Girls love me Love me would you back up over can I suck your supple breasts? Shit what's his age ceiling he won't date a girl over 30. I think 30. I think he's hooking up with a girl currently, maybe that's 30. But like if you get to like 33, he's really like, ah, I tell you, I'm telling you his belief system and being so outward about it has fucked my world. So I think like Christine is having, uh,

she had like 33, 34 year old like, oh God, I'm getting old and whatever, I'm like, what is Ralph? Says you're getting old, because he imports fucking Russian dipshits to fucking take out the so we can impress the sushi chef, we'll go, every day, you can be with different leaders.

You're a lucky man, Ralph. Christine said to me so many times that she's your dawn dummy now, that's that's all Ralph because she goes I get insecure Sometimes because I'm getting old. I'm like what are you fucking talking about? Oh Ralph I'm telling you. I think it's all Ralph. He's got you. I've never said a word about you being in your mid 30s being old It seems like society in general and my biological clock You ain't fucking society, you're fucking me.

Come with being a woman turning 35 this year, that's crazy. I don't know about you. My word for society is Ralph. Ralph is society. In this next clip, Joe D'Arosa talks about getting the police called on him after an argument at a Cleveland airport. My airline left me high and dry. They booked, I had to get an emergency flight home because there was snow. And, you know, I had to book it the day before. And I called and they booked it.

And I like, no problem, you're good. It's 150 bucks. I was like, right. And then driving to the airport the next day, I couldn't check in. I was like, why is it not letting me check in? I'm getting frustrated. I'm getting angry. And then I realized the person on the phone

booked it for February 27th instead of January 27th. So the flight leaves in 55 minutes at this point. I'm freaking out. I call the airline. I explain the whole thing very calmly. The ladies like, don't worry about it. We got you. You're on the flight today.

Don't worry about it. And then I get to the airport and this guy behind the desk., don't worry about it, we got you, you're on the flight today, don't worry about it. And then I get to the airport and this guy behind the desk, I don't know why this bothered me more. He's like, oh, worry about it. Yeah, he was dressed in all red, which really fucking bothered me. Cause he looked like, Was it a vest with a turtleneck?

Yes. That's the worst guy. Yeah. Cause he looked like a mayor, the mayor of a little Munchkin city. Yeah. So it just bothered me. Yeah, he runs, he's like a, he's dressed looked like a mayor, the mayor of a little Munchkin city. Yeah. So it just bothered me. Yeah, he runs, he's like a,

he's dressed as like a human, like Chuchu train, operator come to life for kids parties. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, he's, he's a big letter on his chest. Yeah, he looked like he was, he lived at Ricky Schroeder's house, just to drive that little train around the living room. Yeah.

And he only watches Japanese animation. So I try to check in at the kiosk. That doesn't work. Now I'm really fuming. I go up to the desk. I can't check in again. The guys like, I don't know what the problem and then he goes, Oh, I see. It's for February 27th. Why are you here today? And I go, no, man, they fixed it. I explain the whole thing to him. And he goes, well, why the lady on the phone say she fixed it today She didn't fix it. I go. I don't know bro You're employees said that to me. I don't work for the airline. You're wearing all red you jerk off You tell me why you fucking red

Hardies fucks you run this goddamn candy factory I start getting mad and he goes, I don't know the calling of names or anything, but I'm starting to get elevated. And he goes, sir, I'm gonna ask you to not make a scene. I'm not making a scene. You're about to leave me stranded and Cleveland. I gotta get on this plane.

And he goes, sir, I need you to calm down. And I go, unfuckin' believable. And he goes, I will not tolerate that type of language. And I leaned over the desk in this 43 year old man's face and I go oh you offended by the F word and like that. Yeah. That's right. But getting stuffed in a locker for getting called blowing a teacher. Yeah. Yeah. And he goes yes yes I am. And the guy next to him rattles off these initials. He goes one made it called the AAPP CD. We're nervous.

And I go, oh, what's that? The airport police? And we go, yep. Yeah. That's it. Yeah. We're gonna get guns.

Yeah. Yeah, big old ones, machine guns. Dude, they came. Airport cops showed up and completely sided with me. And we're just like, dude, just buy the buy a new ticket and just get on the plane. But like, yeah, we get it, dude. dude because the airport cops like you mean there's no bomb You just called us over here and there's no fucking bomb like they could have put me on that plane so easily

Without any problem and instead this guy was insisting on charging me $500 for the full price of the ticket They're talking to you guys look at this motherfucker. It's rich And yeah, with three black cops. As soon as they were black, I was like, oh, thank God. These guys will be cool. I'm just trying to tell this guy I can't breathe and he's trying to shoot me.

Here he goes. He do what? He's doing what? He's doing what? He's doing what? He's doing what? He's doing what? He's doing what?

I don't know. I'm just trying to buy a tick of this guy. He told me that Mike Brown deserved what he got. He said what was that? Yeah, I don't know. I was just trying to buy tickets. He was like fuck Kobe. He said, well with, huh? He said, well, what? He said, well, what? Come again. What about who? Black, the momma?

He said that about momma. Officer, I don't know why he brought these two words up. Rodney King. I don't know why. He said Rodney King. Thank God those godfiring cops got out of jail and there's no problems. Reginald Denny is the real victim of that whole thing. Hey, it's Black Lou.

The bonfire was live Thursday and Dan and Jay were reunited again with guest Joe Derosa Joe and the host had a fun time internet shopping for a very specific clothing item Brian McCarthy friend of ours Text me to the day and he goes do yourself a favor. He goes go Google gay tank tops for sale He goes I I'm telling you right now. He goes you will buy six of them right off the bed he goes I'm currently wearing one to the gym that says daddy chase her Spired twink man I found one that just says I love the taste of come and I was like I want to buy and it was a heart instead of love

It just said I heart the taste of And I was like I want to buy and it was a heart instead of love it just said I heart the taste of Be gay do valent crimes do we got to get these two gay for this gay gay Do we got to get these for some for somebody yep still gay? How about the claw marks in the front? Oh, dude, how dare you assume I'm straight Please please look up the fine homosexual That's the one I want I want to ping on this is defiant homosexual. Please look up the I love come t-shirts Please just Google I love come t-shirts. I'm getting one. They're the funniest fucking things

Oh my god, dude. I love the amen. I love how come taste Jeff's com slot Tattoo's and wrong make me come But what about the tank tops for those of us that might have problems coming How about the I'm trying to come by the way? I'm coming the one I will get is definitely come in me bro. Yeah Come in I will definitely get that damn it's great to get that tank top to the left the black one come dumpster No, this one this was only

Shared I had with no come on it Of course I come fast. I got fish to catch. Oh, that's mine I I dabble with that one myself I swear to God I'm getting the I hard come shirt. I'm gonna come in I'll just have that made a gas digital Be rod can make a kind of a really what about that one? Ask Really? What about that one? Come in my ass? What about pizza slut?

That would just even make sense. Giant cumb! Dude, by the way, there is some point in life where I will call somebody. It goes, that guy is a giant cumb. Baby, it's cold inside. Baby, it's cold, come inside. Oh, you're cumb-hor, I like on you, Dave. Dude, what about the simple one? I love cumb. Yeah, I like that, but just a cumb-hor, all right.. I like on you day. Do it about the simple one. I love come. Yeah, I like that.

But just come whore. I'll come whore is great. Look, I'll get I'll get I love come. J gets come in me, bro. You get of course I come for fast. I got fish. Yeah. No, but that's not gay. But it's okay. You have to get the ones that are Viciously gay all right come slot damn would you wear come or all right Or I love anal I love anal's pretty great Comrade I want come By the way come pick in a baseball tee also in the good in the Charlotte in the Charlotte's Web style. I love it. All right come pick like a Led Zeppelin shirt. Jacob, you're leaving.

Say goodbye. You son of a bitch. What do you, why do you dip out? So say goodbye. It's the last time we're going to see this week. Come in, bro. Come in, bro. Love you, Jacob.

You think we game a boner so he's leaving early? Jacob, J.O. By the way, he's going to J way he's gonna Joe here for 16 minutes and Stunk up the place with his lemon wipes. He came through like slimer The trace of himself in here My Nana's house It's got a real personality of your Nana. It's got the real plastic on the couch vibe. Yeah, my get reeks over here I switch seats with him after he wiped it all down. Yeah. God damn it.

Well that's because you're all smelling lemony fresh Jacob a pie. Hey it's Big J. Algracen and I hope you enjoyed this week's Best of the Bond Fire. You can listen to the show live every Monday through Thursday from 6th day PM Eastern on Comedy Central Radio, Series XM 95 or on demand on the Series XMF. Be sure to follow us on social media at the Bonfire at SexM. [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ [♪ BEEPING SOUND [♪ This has been a Comedy Central Podcast.

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