The Bonfire with Big Jay Oakerson and Robert Kelly - Beaver Fever (feat. Mike Finoia)

Episode Date: August 6, 2024

Comic and Bonfire bestie, Mike Finoia just returned from a trip to Italy and Bobby is mad at him because he didn't utilize Bob's restaurant recommendation. The toilet situation in Rome is challenging, so the guys have a brainstorming session that gets more vile with each idea. *To hear the full show and subscribe to SXM go to www.siriusxm.com/bonfire FOLLOW THE CREW ON SOCIAL MEDIA: @thebonfiresxm @louisjohnson @christinemevans @bigjayoakerson @robertkellylive @louwitzkee @jjbwolfSubscribe to SiriusXM Podcasts+ on Apple Podcasts to listen to new episodes ad-free and a whole week early.

And now the bonfire with Big Jay Okerson and Robert Kelly Chief Richards on the vocals Oh It's a Monday It's gloomy outside here in New York City. It's the bonfire fact and talk series XM 103 Big J Okerson with you joined by the great Robert Kelly. Traffic up the west side highways running a little slow. If you're going to get out of town, take the east side.

It's a little quicker. A little bunch up over by the Yankee Stadium. And let me tell you something, those boys are kicking ass right now. So right back at you. I'll take it over there from going home. We got the Dodgers in town playing the Mets tonight over at City Field there. Traffic getting a little bad going there to the midtown tunnel but you find a little reprieve over there by St. John's University and

we'll throw it over to DJ Lou what's going on with the sky cams? Hey, what does the sky cam do? I don't know. Wow. I threw it to you and fear I was running out and then I tell you what I think fucking fell to pieces doesn't do improv apparently Holy jazz is job. Yes, and what I don't know what comes next. Yes, and what? That's my improv. I don't just yes, and I go yes what what yes, and what what uh? We have a fun guest on the show, and I'm not gonna do it today But I have a new idea that I'd like to pitch and see what the fans think for what we do with our guests Is it called the hugs hug our guests now we are joined today He's gonna be everybody is ain't he's downtown Chicago for five shows Thursday through Saturday this weekend everybody

That's August 1st to the 3rd it's Pancho Mike America's Amigo Mike Fennoy in the house everybody Mike Mike Mike Mike Mike I'm a little I'm a little mad at Mike why whoa it's okay why express your feelings I'm a little mad at Mike. Why? Whoa. It's OK. Why? Express your feelings. I'm a little. Two things.

I listen to you dumb fish and. Fish. Dead. Whatever. What was it? Well, which one? The dead. What one song did you send me?

I sent you three. Yep. And it was the Grateful Dead. And I almost killed myself. Well, that's your problem. Well, you know what? The songs were long enough that you came full circle and didn't kill yourself. Well, that's your problem. Well, you know what? The songs were long enough that you came full circle and didn't kill yourself.

That's the one good thing. You know what, dude? It's song is going to be over eventually, and there will be stuff to live for. If you start an anti-depressing regimen during the first verse by the end, it's worked its way through. It's working. Yeah, you get three weeks.

And number two. OK. That was the one. OK. Well, first of all, I'm not in The Grateful Dead. So don't direct your hatred towards me. Mikey that's you know, though for the record If you said you weren't the Grateful Dead, most people would just believe you. Yeah. I am well, I'm in the next version You know, I'm gonna go I'm in the great with it. He goes. What are you playing? You go flag of soon?

Yeah, I play the vibe atron. Yeah Nobody in this room can name one band member of the Grateful Dead. I can. Okay, what? Who? Oh, here we go. Okay, the late great Jerry Garcia.

He can't. Okay, that's fine. God, he's out. Bob Weir. Yep. Can I go? Phil Lesh. Phil Lesh.

I'm basically sure I would've remembered eventually, but now I might be out. I bet there's another one that I know. Peg Penn was the first keyboard player. Donna Jean Gotshow. Yeah, you know what? Yep, good. Nobody's asking you, Lou.

Yeah, Lou. Lou, we know you smell like a Grateful Dead fan. I do. And when I had hair on, I was a big hippie. No way, dude. Drug rugs? I could already see it, dude. We should get Lou and make him wear a drug rug at work.

Mickey Hart and Bill Kreutzman are the other two that are alive, drummers. They have two drummers. Two drummers. At the same time. At the same time. Why? Mickey Hart isn't the My Dick guy?

Mickey Hart. One of the drummers. Bobby, one of the drummers left the band for a while because his dad was the band's manager, and he took off with the band's money all the band's money and he felt so bad he quit the band mm-hmm and he came back they brought him back and they brought him out still in the band my heart's better than that story no one of them left my original guys so now the original guys

so there was the wait a minute the guy who the drummer whose dad took the money wasn't the original guy you know and he's now the guy who plays with the dad the other guys not in it anymore. My dick. But he's alive. What's the second reason why you're mad at me? Let's get to the... Oh, the second reason why.

You want this number two? Can I guess? You can, I'd love for you to guess. Does it have to do with Rome? Yep. Why, you're mad? Yep. Why?

I like to say, eeeep. What do you have so much for Rome? He went everywhere all over Rome and took pictures of his wife in front of those things. He knew how to play, dude. He gave Christine the phone the other day, Mike, and he goes, look at every picture I took and thing. And Christine looked at every one of them.

And I was like, it was like a flip book of Mike and his wife in front of different things. But by the way, near things they didn't end up fully going to. And it's like this is uh It goes hey, it's me and my wife taking a picture in front of the restaurant We ate at you'll see 85 miles away is the leaning tower of Pisa If you look closely Pentathlon over the hill I go look. This is Lisa night if you look way back you could see Egypt

He goes yeah, it was off this picture was just six inches more to the right, though you would absolutely see there was a live lions. Bobby, leaning tower pizza is not in Rome. No, it's in pizza. It's also not called pizza. Yeah, it's called pizza when I look at it. Little Nero's pizza box has the leaning tower on it.

That's where they first made pizza. Um, you're mad at me about the restaurant recommendation that you gave me? Yeah. And that I didn't go to it? Yeah. That's why you're mad at me about the restaurant recommendation that you gave me yeah and that i didn't go to it yeah that's why you're mad at me i told you from somebody who went dude restaurant i said to you let's talk about i said listen i got the best pasta in rome the best carbonara the best cashew pepe pasta pechuz no cashew pepe. Pasta peciutte? No, cacio e pepe. Sconduc. Cheese and pepper.

Cheese and pepper. Simple as steel. I told you, it's right there. You eat outside. There's a castle on a cobblestone street in Rome. Oh, Sconduc. I went out of my way. Oh, come on now, out of your way.

What's it, for me? For Google? For me. For you, you answered actually. Okay, I'll tell you what. That is out of your way. I had, mm. That was good. What's it for me Google for me for you you answered actually? I Had to call Liz, okay, I apologize I get it. I had to text her then call her and then test

I had to call Liz and you get them sorry know what that's like. Oh, get a ugh back? I got a yuck. She goes, stay there. You're going to Rome? Stay there. I told her. I got it. And I was like, I got this from Mike, man. And I had it put up with it. And I got it. And I sent it to you.

And I'm like, thank you. You said thank you. And I was so excited for you to get... When you give somebody like a recommendation, And I'm like, thank you. I was so you said thank you and I was so excited for you to get I when you give somebody when you give somebody like a Recommendation it's like that. You can't wait for the dude That place was the shit you dude. I you want the they went they loved it It was awesome food bitches. You want it now? I'm part of your vacation I was part of your vacation. I was part of your vacation Anyone out there listening if I'm ever saying I'm going somewhere

Please don't tell me to go to places to eat because I don't want you angry at me like Bobby is right now I'm probably not gonna go unless it's like very nice stones throw from my hotel or Something like that well me and my good me and Mike are travelers and we're vacationers. That's true. We do stuff with our family. Yeah. Yeah, you don't vacation.

I'm gonna tell you Bobby, when you texted me and said did you try it, or did you go? You coulda lied. I coulda lied but I didn't. I shoulda woulda told you. Oh yeah though. Because then I knew this was gonna happen and you'd go, dude, how was it, what'd you have,

and then I got a lie to you. Yeah, keep lying. You'd rather that? I'll take a hot lie. I'm not gonna you think I'm gonna see si He wasn't gonna run you down. I'm not gonna do it I'm just gonna feel good and by the way, because he goes he goes how about that like there that uh that red roof and You'll go Yeah, I actually you know, it's fine. I didn't even think to look up But I mean that food was what was the two things told me to get they were so good I start throwing like all Lorenzo was the nicest he said she remembers

Pepe like cacio pepe. It's it's the best. It's Italian macaroni and cheese What are you guys doing? You know, what do you think you found something? Do you think that's like a... Yeah, what do you think? You found something under a rock? That's like an American dish. A thing I've had seven bazillion times. Kasha Pepe's not American, okay? I mean, it's... It's not.

It's not. It's basic. It's... It's basic. That doesn't mean it's American. Kasha Pepe... Dude, I thought I said so many things I think you would love. Like, you know what they do there?

They ball their meat. Dude, he goes, bread to sop up sauce. Yeah. Not just bread, it's, bread to sop up sauce. Not just bread, it's bread to sop up sauce. When you get meatballs, spaghetti and meatballs, it's little meatballs. And when you get meatballs, if they're big, they come on the side. Yeah, and they have a, and they have a,

What is it? Palpate, I think. They have a thing where you like to put on top is a little bowl of a grated up on my John I'm a John to do with love it sometimes they take a bowl and they put different types of like foliage like lettuce and Stuff they call it salad He goes it's one of the few things there doesn't have pasta and for that reason they named it anti pasta things there doesn't have pasta and for that reason they named it anti pasta do my sister asked for chicken in her pasta oh you would have thought that I thought they were gonna like oh across they go oh whoa no no and she's like

no I'll pay for it she's like I like protein and she's like they said no they have a problem if I ask for a spoon so I can twirl my my my speed like that I make a real production Showing it to people I'm flailing arms. Yeah, I do that at home for Christine sometimes Bobby I see on her phone doing skank fest stuff She doesn't pay attention, but I twirl and I get a big old thing I got a yump I eat like a cartoon where it gets all in your mouth And then you have to chew like this.

You fly fish her on the other end of the noodle so you guys could lady in the trumpet. Yeah. I'll tell you what, it was a thing where we were traveling with a lot of people and I threw it out there and nobody. How'd you throw it out there though? I go, I got the amazing, I got the best. You guys want cheese and pepper?

You guys want cheese and pepper pasta? I don't know. I go, I know a place where literally we can get the best carbonara in Rome And what this guy is well guy gave me the thing he used to be fat, but he's not fat anymore So like I should have sent you the picture of me eating it. Yes Then you go I know the picture of me eating it. You know what it was it was me it was me I would have been excited. I'd been like sturdy chairs. I went like this. I went, you know what? If people don't want to go, fine. If you don't want to go, I don't want to. And it wasn't that they didn't want to go.

It was just this, well, we made plans for this and we did. And I'm just like, I can't. I'm jet lagged. I hadn't shit. My room had a square toilet and it fucked me up. And I didn't know what to. Why? I didn't know how to approach it. You reacted to that too bad. No. Yeah. I reacted the way my body I've seen in America by the way, and we're not I'll be honest with you I think I said this to you when you sent it to me like you were like I'm scared. What do I do?

Yeah, oh, it's a picture of the toilet and I was like the square toilet Actually much more evenly without causing pain Spread your ass cheeks open nice and I find the square thing also doesn't make your legs go dead yeah it's a seat it's more of a seat it's more I sat on I sat on the corner of it like a like a first baseman stretching for the ball you know like I kind of I hugged the corner I didn't know how to do it yeah my buddy looked at it there was a runner it. My buddy looked at it and he was like, you said, sat forward. Your buddy looked at you, why are you gonna take a shit?

No, I was sending him a picture. He goes, sit forward. Come here, look at me. Let me do this. Am I doing this right? Am I pooping right now? When I went to Japan, I had the same thing because I, 14 hour flight,

ate everything on the flight, had to shit my brains out at the airport, went into the bathroom, no toilet. That's fucked. Hole in the ground. Yeah. And I didn't know how to approach it. There was no directions.

So I got fully naked. Cause I- You hold your shorts up like the Statue of Liberty? I tried to pull my underwear down to my ankles and then kind of squat, but I was gonna shit in my underwear. Yeah. So I just took all my clothes off and my shirt,

which probably didn't need to come off. I got fully nude to take a shit because I didn't know how, I was like, maybe Japanese people shit fully nude. You didn't want to Winnie the Pooh it? Somebody walks in and sees you. I do squat all the way down. You squat all the way down into a hole.

And I didn't know, but the last toilet on the stall was a regular toilet. It was a regular toilet. How the fuck can you read articles while you're squatting down? Well, and also, you're supposed to squat. That's the way you're supposed to shit. I know.

This is gonna get weirdly, I guess, personal, but do you pee a little every time shit comes out? I pee a little 100% of the time. I think there's no such thing as shitting without piss, but some people say. Yeah. Do you? That they just take shits.

I've never in my life just taken a shit. Ever. I would say you did it the best way. Well, what? Not like taking your clothes fully off because if you're gonna piss while shitting. It makes the most sense. One of my favorite videos to watch are drunk girls

that are trying to piss outside and then just like, even though they're trying to do everything, they're drunk, they're just pissing directly down into their underwear. They might as well just pissed into their pants. It makes no difference. They just put, it's like now you've showed everybody your pussy and, oh man, Friday night.

Was that Friday night, Christine? Or no, it was stand up on the spot night. Yeah, we were leaving fucking East Village New York Comedy Club. And we were in the deli at one point and saw, oh it was over, actually I'm sorry, this is on Gas Digital Street. This is Sunny Nannyville.

We were coming out of Sunny Nannies and we got in the car and we started driving down the street. There was these couple of hot chicks that were in the deli at one point and we just, I noticed it too late, did not even find it, I would have found an excuse to like stop the car and like roll the window down and light my cigarette While we watch this hot chick take a fat piss in the streets really but I just drove and saw it

Oh that hot chicks taking all words past it already once you're past it The etiquette says you can't back up you back up your being a piece of shit She ran the risk of one thing and one thing only in my mind. She's only deserving of one thing Someone to stop an ogle her taking a piss you're taking a public piss Someone may cut I think New York City the rules are different though. I think in the middle of Outside of the city if you go back, it's bad form But if New York City taking a piss you can back the fuck up. Yes I think across the board you cannot back up. I think everything is game

No, you back up though. You're now being a piece of shit stopping finding an excuse to stop and look is That's the kind of perv I find myself to be I can't find myself being person who goes back I don't understand the person who's like, like you see a guy or a girl blowing a guy or something. I'm all for like the find an excuse, like when I'm watching a fight, like get on my phone, find an excuse to kind of be there, and I'm just happen to be seeing this thing, but overly getting involved. I've seen people getting blowjobs and another person goes like, yeah dude get that dick. And I'm like, oh you're gonna ruin it.

Just watch this girl suck this guy's dick. That's part of the city. That's the city. That's New York. New York, that's like you're in a zoo dude and when you see the fucking zebra come out or you see that lion attack something, you get to stop and go back in the city You see someone getting a blowjob a light sexual assault a fight something you can stop go back No one's gonna put this out there to listeners by the way I'll say I'm not gonna put this on everybody else in the room But I'll put it for me if you just come up after me as a show ladies and just piss in front of me

I'll be like that's a win when that would happen after shows that would I hope every show you do now girls just piss sure they just come out and you're like hilarious no not in don't do it in the club that's bad I hope that's your thing yeah that's your Please go. All right, everyone, Bellagio of piss. No, no, no. I'm saying, that happens so many times. All your shows are like Galago, they have to have bags on the floor when you show up. Jay's closing tonight, god damn it. That happens so many times,

at Stand Up New York particularly. A few times at a New York comedy club, maybe not New York comedy club, a few times a comic strip, and several times at Stand Up New York Comedy Club, maybe not New York Comedy Club, a few times a comic strip and several times at Stamp New York where a drunk hot girl would come out of the show at one point and just be like, I'm not waiting for those bathrooms

in there, and in front of a bunch of comedy, Louis, people like that, would just pull her panties down and just take a piss and the thing, and talk to you, it wasn't a thing, and I'm like, this is awesome. Do you remember when I told you about when that woman took a mega dump on the floor? In the bar. I want to come mega dump. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yes. What makes it a mega? I think you may have told on the show Bobby you might know I don't think I did I think you called me and we talked about it or something. What's up? What's the reason a regular dump in a mega dump?

Robert and we talked about it or something. What's the difference between a regular dump and a mega dump? Robert. This shit. Did you just call me Robert? I did. Let me sit up. New York Comedy Club in the East Village. Yes.

You know how you walk in, you're in the bar, there's two bathroom doors, and then there's the door, another door, and then you're in the club. So there's that little kind of walkway thing. I'm waiting to go on. A woman walks out into the bar area takes two steps Wobbles passes out. Okay hits the ground hard. Everyone's like, holy shit. She gets up. She's like, I'm okay

I'm alright holds the wall. She takes two more steps forward gets to the first bathroom door Wobbles again hits the ground bang out they go call 9-1-1 So I call 9-1-1 they go running over to help her and she's like, bang, out. They go call 911. So I call 911, they go running over to help her and she's like, I'm okay, I'm okay, I just need to go to the bathroom, please let me go to the bathroom. They're like, no, no, you just passed out twice, like lay down. She's like, I gotta go to the bathroom. So she gets up and walks ahead to the bathroom and we all kind of like, look, and we're like, there's no fucking way. Dude, a serve, it's the emoji dude without the eyes.

She's shit a mega fucking dump. A big like three swirler and it had like a cone, it had consistent like a pyramid. Was she wearing a skirt? She had a skirt on. We're all like what the fuck? The manager goes over and he gets near it Reg and he goes oh god the smells in my mouth the smells in my mouth and he goes running outside dry heaving which I totally understand the smells in

my mouth she goes she's in the bathroom just ripping up the bath clogged the bathroom toilet oh she shit more than shit she goes I'll clean it I'm sorry she was just go she's right I'll clean it So I'm on the phone like with 911 and I'm like, yeah woman passed out and I guess well She just shit on the floor and it's right in the bar. So they rolled up that red like Restaurant II type carpet, you know that fucking gross carpets for shit. It's a shit. Yeah That's why they have that street paper as in case people shit they can roll it up They rolled it up threw it out into the East Village. Someone's fuckin' livin' in it now.

But she came out and I had to go on stage. So I go on stage. Her husband's in the showroom, right? So I'm on stage and I see one of the waitresses come over and whisper to the guy in his ear and he goes, ooh, and gets up and runs out of the room and they're like, she's trying to get back in Wow, and they're like yo you pass problems out of her. Yeah, it's your problem now

They go you passed out twice and shit on the floor like your nights over Yeah, like you know your nights done and paramedics came and checked her and they were like she's not drunk they think that she like maybe ate edibles and it like Freaking so she did it. They didn't let her back in no, but but we're thinking. Is that a rule of a comedy club now? Is that where we're at as a society? I get two shits in a- You can't take a shit? Or two pass outs in a shit, but we're wondering, okay, so like she passes out, but the shit

was not squirt. Like if you, wouldn't you pancake your shit? Like wouldn't you like, you shit? No, maybe she, when she was getting up, it was on the the pullout like she was just laying cable and she stood Yeah, yeah, I mean, yeah, it was like it like kept her Anchored to the ground. Oh Almost like a float anchor dude. I was actually thinking this thing that you should get for floats where it anchors things down No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no

don't I didn't know because you don't want to be in a thing where there's like No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. I didn't take my. No, because you don't want to be in a thing where there's like the current or like something to take you away. And so you anchor yourself. It's like a little bag of sand or rocks. It's like a dump.

Rocks for a pool. Like a poop anchor. It's called a flanker. A flanker. But she had like a, let's not even get, we don't have to over worry about that. I'm just making an analogy to an idea that I had. Okay.

That's a good idea though, Jay. You could use it as a emergency shit bag. You could also use it as an emergency shit bag. You know what? Now we're back in together. Now we're going to Shark Tank together. And. What once were foes have now become friends.

We thought maybe there was a second shitter. Hey everybody, if you're listening to the Bonfire as a podcast, you gotta know there's a whole second half of the show that you're not getting to hear. Look, if you love the Bonfire as a podcast, you gotta know there's a whole second half of the show that you're not getting to hear. Look, if you love the Bonfire, which you know you do, this is just half of the show. Go subscribe to SiriusXM at siriusxm.com slash bonfire. Subscribe right now.

Hey, you know what's weird is when you take a shit, you're always sitting down and it comes out the same way. But there's so many videos on YouTube where people are standing or kind of hunched over and the shit comes out, it shoots out of your ass. It comes out. There's one where some lady took a shit and it shot out of her ass like a gun.

All whole and then hit the wall and became- That feels so rewarding. And became a Banksy I would love to shit standing up. I want to try you never have in the woods hiking I know you I squat you have to squat Oh, I had one once where you know you got the bag with the hip pack like when you strapped it the bottom Yeah, it was leaning on my pie to bad dump, and I just held on to a tree and just leaned back And I just held onto a tree and just leaned back.

We need to and just like a paintball. I got Sarah. I got beaver fever once. Me and Louis took the boys out camping and I got beaver fever. Was that me? Insatiably horny? I just saw it. He goes, Oh, man, I got beaver fever. I need some pussy. I some hairy pussy right now. You suck on your armpit.

You lose. Let me fuck your armpit. Or this this is never gonna end. I got the beaver fever. I can't think of anything else right now. I know, it's when you get, when you drink water with bacteria in it. Usually from animals. What I'm thinking is called beaver brain. Yeah, beaver brain. Oh, I got beaver brain, dude.

I can't even talk right now. Yeah, you're thinking of pussy sandwiches. So we were loading all this, I was holding it in, we were loading all this stuff into my truck, and my ass was about to explode. I ran into the woods, I mean deep into the woods, and found a tree and just started blowing up. And then I look and just Louis has his stupid phone,

Bob Kelly's fucking shit in his pants. I'm like, if you don't fucking delete that right now our kids won't be friends I won't let max ever see James again, and I fucking mean it. Yeah, you'll keep him from him Yeah, I will I was gonna ruin a friendship with the kids. I would our friendship was already ruined Yeah, yeah, I've never shit standing up though. I would like to is this a good t-shirt guys Beaver fever when that beaver makes you go damn? Damn guys beaver fever I get it cuz that beaver make me go damn Beaver for Bobby beaver yes, what's up?

Would you able to get the beaver fever joke over the line there? Yes? Thank you headed it What's up? Jacob, would you be able to get the Beaver Fever joke over the line there? Yes. I thought it was great. Thank you. You want to do a favor before you tell Bobby, can you go take it around your house and just get an overall view? Right now, I'm one and six. Go in the room of dolls and get the same response you got in here. Can you workshop it through Dade County?

That Beaver makes me go, damn. Is this a tree? How fucking high did you get? Just, you know, beavers have built dams. We got it. And if you have beaver fever, it's because those beavers make you go, damn! We know.

It's actually growing on me. Yeah, totally. By the way, an old comedy trick I learned. If you just keep doing it, eventually people will love it. You're Chris Rock in that premise. Yeah, that's pretty hard Beaver fever cuz beaver make me go damn now another thing with beaver fever. It makes you go Jacob what do you got Jacob? You know you told that story about

Having to really shit really bad when you got off the plane And then it was just a hole in the floor, and I've been to a bathroom like that Hmm, and then I was thinking to myself and I and I laughed when you said you didn't know what to do Thank you, and then you took off all your clothes. I did but then I realized I Wouldn't know what to do either because if you just pull your pants down and squat You're you're doodying Extremely close to your pants like you could shit into your pants. I don't understand like what I Think I don't understand what you do do when you have to do do do

Must have that beaver fever is that you're making me go day the do do do do. Must have that beaver fever. Cause that'd be a big go day. I'm loving it. You an apology cause I don't get it either. Bobby. I think, I think, I don't know. They have to, Mike already said that exact thing. I think, I think what else would you do?

He's like saying, he's like, what else would you do? There is, I think there is a technique that Japanese people do or whatever. I think there is a technique. It has to or whatever. I think there is a technique. There has to be something that's hold above yours. No, there's no stripper bar. Crouching tiger hidden. I think there is a technique. I just don't, there's no directions on the technique.

There is a technique. Oh, you have to be Asian. It's like a wall run or something. That's what it says. It's like when like leg splits on the wall happen. Yeah. They have, their assholes are back father a little bit. Yeah. So you have to hold, you hold something and then put your feet up the wall happened? Yeah, they have, their assholes are back father a little bit. Yeah, so you have to hold, you hold something

and then put your feet up the wall and just shit straight down. You have to take, you have to take Kempo karate to know how to, you have to know karate. You hold the Dukie bar. Then when Dukie bar has a firm grip. Daniel's son. You do a warrock.

Daniel's son. And then you let the turds fry. Unleash on the world. And then you go DAAAMN! You're fury. Everybody in the audience is banging a hand drum your enemy stand in front of you and you RELEASE! Yes, you now know the way of the beaver Why is it called beaver?

Because the karate make me go DAAAAAA Kick it! Oh shit! Oh shit! Oh shit! Oh shit! Oh shit! Go, Jay! Go, Jay! I can't turn it off. I can't even turn it off.

Christine, is there a technique? Is there a way to shit in a Jap, like in the hole? Because Japanese have weird things too. Like they have a bathtub outside to wash. You have to wash before you get in the bathtub. Like you take a shower and then you go in the bathtub because the bathtub is for relaxation. It's not for washing.

Do you think it's happened yet that a person has tried to hear me out for you guys freak out? He's making, uh. It's my fingers. Another t-shirt idea? No, he's making his fingers. Oh, those are, that's a. When he does his fingers together, listen.

I think nail paint is bringing out some ideas from deep inside his marrow. Bringing out the opening the Olympics. Every one of those people look like Jay in one of his forms. Or the drag queen Olympic drag queens. Still a Canadian swim team. That guy looks like Jay in 2009. There's Jay in 2014.

And then the lead Jesus is Jay now. Speaking of, do you know our dog has a? Monkey abroad. Do you know our dog has the Jesus asshole? I didn't know that. It's a type of dog's that their ass hole looks like Jesus And our dog has it. I don't believe it to you. Show me a picture. Okay. Well, I don't have one I can't get a good clear one of our dogs

She doesn't like when you grab her tail, but look this is what they all look like It looks like the shroud of Turin dude. Yeah, look up the shroud of Turin. That's exactly what it looks like It's the thing that they wiped Jesus' face with and they wrapped him in when he was dead for three days. Wait, that one, they all, listen, this is one of those optical illusions when you look long enough, then you see God. Of course.

It's like the English muffin. Wait, Bobby, is there an argument that Christ doesn't live within my dog's asshole and pussy? See, look, look. I'm saying it didn't look like that until then you said it and then my brain saw Jesus. You're right, yeah, it's one of those. Wait, you didn't know?

I mean, it looks exactly like Jesus. It looks like. Our dog's asshole looks exactly like Jesus. It doesn't look like the shroud, it looks like Jesus when he came up on the third day. Oh yeah, that one does. Yeah, that looks like Jesus when he rose. Oh see, Mike, you're just seeing the face. You don't see now. I see that's east that's Easter Jesus. Yes. He's got hands

That's Easter Jesus. Oh, you should have said Greek Orthodox. It's the tune it listen my dog What the fuck my dog has the two cowlicks on the ass cheeks? I don't want to see this this is great, dude This sucks because now all I'm gonna do is look at dogs assholes every time I see them. To see if they have the Jesus asshole. This sucks. Yeah. Imagine if this is what Jesus came back as, just a lot of dogs assholes. Where's that? I would have been more into the Bible if this was the case. Look at the titles, saw Jesus in my pug's asshole. Can I stop? That Ruttweil has Batman signal in his asshole? It really does. That is different, yeah. That's Batman.

The Bark Knight. That's pretty funny. Jesus Pug Butt merch. I wonder what my dog's asshole looks like. Wow. I hope my dog's got the devil in her ass. Can I tell you something? You should call Dawn on the phone right now and tell her to go look and see if the dog's

... It's a girl, right? Yes. So say if the dog's's a girl right yes so say if the dogs it looks like all asshole and butt cheeks look like Jesus Lord Christ look at that it's very possible Lord Christ it's kind of funny too because the man that one up on the left is really Jesusy and and the yellow fur almost looks like the fire of the ascension into heaven oh yeah well that's a very light dog, so yeah, you get a little more of that. Our dog's asshole just looks straight up Jesus.

No aura. Like a color form, Jesus? No aura at all, much more like these ones, yeah. Wow. Oh, look, it's Black Jesus. What is Black, that's a dog. Yeah. Well, but his ass looks like Black Jesus.

I mean, Jesus mean all these but holes look at that the same that's gotta be that's the same dogs asshole I think that's the same you know it's pretty cool if you watch that now that you see it you can watch Jesus throw up dog shit that dog yes yeah now is a Jesus throwing up dog shit that dog's asshole looks like my asshole. That one on the left up there. They call it the sermon on the mount when like the dog is, oh by the way, what I was gonna. My asshole looks like too many fingers asshole.

By the way, what I was gonna say when I was giving my thoughtful fingers. Yes. Do you believe it has existed in the world that someone has done the action of shitting into a girl's puss and then her shooting it back out? And if hasn't happened or even if it has yeah, can we name it? Well, we can name it. What do we call it one in the chamber? I'm liking very much

The submarine sandwich. Yeah, I like Deliver transplant, okay I don't mind that tossing dogs. dogs sounds like a good one to reaching for help Somebody call her dad Reaching for help. That's great. I think it's like you're feeding. How about how about this? I don't I don't like I don't like this food How about reshelling the turtle mmm, I like that one it's a little word How about reshelling the turtle? Mm, I like that one. It's a little wordy, but reshelling the turtle.

I don't mind that. The Bridgeport Landscaper? Yeah, reshelling the turtle, that's also if it was possible. Could you lube an asshole enough and have a firm enough turd? Oh, god. Do either of these two things exist, that you could have one successfully shoot out of one asshole into another asshole. Wait a minute.

Everyone knows you could human centipede mouth to ass. That's the easy way out. Can you make it so people shit into each other's assholes? You could. If you could open your ass, if one person can open up their asshole wide enough to catch it. So one's got to be a gaper well and also good this is a scientific process I like is why I brought it up here somebody that's been

doing some serious kegels because they need to like grab it and pull it it's like you know when a jet refuels an airplane yeah that's like kind of how like you got to get that valve in there and then they got to suck in the fuel well isn't it more like throwing throwing like a marshmallow at somebody and they catch it? Like haaaah. Like a whoop. They have them. They're.

Well. Alright well you can do that. I'll go back to tell you that when I put it in, I've always found in the limited times I put a suppository in my own ass. I find it strange that at one point I'm like I'm going, I'm forcing this against what's supposed to be happening. God's will. And then God's will.

Yeah. The word of Christ, my dog's ass. God's will according to people. It was a God's will according to Dawkins' asshole. The exit, not an entrance. But at some point, right at the very last bit of that supposed story, he is hanging out of my asshole, dude I could go hands free and my butthole goes.

Yeah. Like a giraffe? So I'm thinking, if yeah. If you get the. The lettuce is just gone? If you can fire the turd into the other asshole fast enough that by the time the asshole sees what's happening,

I think its instinct would be to grab it. Do your asshole's like purple Chewbacca tongue just comes out and takes the shit in? It would have to be. It would have to be. Christine's bored of hearing this. I'm always bringing this up at home. Christine is like going to purse. It's just funny.

She's like, I go, Christine's so sick of this conversation. She's like, she's like. I'm constantly going, Christine, I know this has been quiet for about 15 minutes, and so we have nothing else to talk about clearly. Can we please go back to the can someone shit another person's asshole conversation? And she just shuts it down. Well, no, I just opened something that's so fucking gross.

I don't wanna open anything else. But most of the links I'm clicking on that are saying they're doing what you're doing, the links like don't exist. Yeah, well it lies. Would you open up Joe Mattarise's new special? Oh! Oh!

Oh! Oh! Turd to turd! Turd to turd! I did click on guys shoving a handful of shit back. Joe Mattarise sending turds. That should be the name of the special for sure. Guys shoving a handful of shit back into his own ass.

That's easy. You know what? You guys should all have to look at it. No! Well, Christine, turn that off. Nobody wants to see that. Oh my god. But I No! Well, Christine, turn that off. Turn it off. Nobody wants to see that. But I would tell you, Christine...

You're a fucking evil woman. Wow, that was just... In fairness, I didn't ask you. You shouldn't have put us through that. No one asked you to look that up. That looked like a yellow cake. I want to look at Jesus' asshole face again. Yeah, bring that back.

Oh my God, that guy had shit all over both cheeks. Yeah, why did he smear it? I know. Well, I was going to say, he wasn't... I think that's the hotness. Yeah, dude, that's the problem. No, I think the issue is like trying to put all the toothpaste back in the toothpaste.

It gets around the edges. Can you get this in? Yeah, you're not going to get it all back in. You'll be lucky if you get most of it back in. So is he completing the action of putting turds back in his ass? Technically, probably yes. I guess.

But most of this turd is on his ass, to be what a lot of it's in hand and I don't fingernail I don't want to see the photo of that but I would watch the video of that. Yeah, just to see how that happened with one Eye open. Yeah. Yeah. So it doesn't fully get into your brain If you watch it with one eye, why is that? I think that does work. It is It's true because you're one eye away from not watching it anymore. That was terrible I think I think if it goes from asshole to asshole another good name the reloader That's not bad the reloader the transfer the The oh, yeah, like a bank. Yeah like the negotiation

Remember the bank when you put the tube and it would suck it in or how about this? How about when we're midway through the shit going from asshole to asshole you both break it off and you call it the merger Just girls pissing outdoors you want to look at this No, no, I don't care about that. I was saying what's funny is when they're drunk and they piss in their own How did you get that? How did you go from? Where are you going? How did you go from shit to asshole to asshole to that? I was trying to get him off the shit.

Thank you. Okay, you know what? Christine, good producing. What if you get shit, that guy gets shit all over his ass and then a chick pisses the shit off his cheeks, you call that the power washer? Okay, see what I'm saying? Now we're thinking.

Christine's trying to shut it down and the creative process is happening in the room. I do like the creative process of coming up with a name. I don't think we're there yet, but we're close. No, we're not. I can taste it. Of course. Yeah.

So this, how about we call it Shit Wars? Oh, the prison call? Shit Wars, live at the stand? Live at the stand, Shit Wars. Hey, what's up, doggy? Shit Wars. All right, live at the stand shit wars Hey, what's up doggy? Wars All right, Joe Lewis is gonna shit right into your life's vagina. We're gonna sit on it She's gonna spit it back out. Do you think it would be how the baton handoff? Oh the relay relay

Oh, I think that's it. Well the relay race would mean like there's got to be your come would there have to be a third hole Why not? Let me tell you this now. I'm picturing a whole competition. Okay? Guy with a turtle head hanging runs a lap and then we get the other lap everything where it's not It's not gonna be a smooth handoff both guys are going all fours go ass to ass Any other one shits almost all the way into the other guys ass and he has to keep making it the turd through each Passing is gonna get smaller and smaller and it's gonna change colors It's good because his shits gonna be a different shit. Oh my god. I shoot my I'm running you're there I shit my shit into your ass you run you shit your shit in the mics ass some of your shits with my shit

We know you know, there's like a but of your shits with my shit. We made a whole new shit tube. It was like a butt luge. Then you go to his shit. By the end it's gonna be three different shits. It's gonna be like the Olympic rings. My god dude, it'll be glorious. They should open the next Olympics with this. Dare I say, it's too regal.

And then a dove lands right in the middle of it. Oh and then somewhere in there Carl Lewis does something good. Man y'all's crazy! The relay race, I think that's the name. Yeah, you want to do a relay race? What's that? Oof, the baton. Hey you boys, I'm gonna get out of here and go do a relay plays back at my... man, Lou, how deep would that have you have gotten into with those two guys? Because you wouldn't know what they meant. You know, you want to do a relay race? It's a fun game. You'd be like yeah sure that sounds great, and they go Open your butt cheeks and put your ass right against my asshole What are we doing? Okay, what are we doing here?

Bobby I approached one of these toilets in Turkey on this trip the hole on the floor yeah, and I was like I can't there's no way I can't well. I think there's a way there. is the way I guess you do it. You gotta lean on your But I was too fat. Yeah, no, and also it's just there you're depending a lot on your Balance. Well, that's the way you're supposed to poo is squatting down It is so you get it all gets out of you Well, that's and that's really what a squatty potty. You're keeping your colon straight Yes, it knows what it is. Yeah, that's your knees up to your ears The actual toilet that we live in is is a regal Thing that they invented we sit down and it's it's thrown. I cross my legs sometimes my legs go numb

No, but I listen if society would allow it I would do this when I shit sometimes But listen, if society would allow it, I would do this when I shit sometimes. For sure. Do the electrician cross? I would put my laptop on my leg and just watch like this. You bring in one of those lap pillows with a desk on the top? Yes, exactly, a lap pillow.

Maybe a little notepad for somebody. Wanna take some fun notes? How about this? Reclining toilet. Okay. Aw. Now we're talking turkey. Massage lower back. Throw that in as we're going to bundle package it with my float anchor idea. Mike, did you

write that down last time? Yeah, patent pending. Well, here's the thing too, Bobby, imagine foot rest that comes up. So now you got almost like the toilet has a recliner bottom, right? So you could push. How about this. How about this? How about this? You? squat down and Then the floor drops down into the floor your feet get your get massaged and your Bought your bum goes right on top of massage things with my idea you thought I like and you were saying the sentence

Hmm I think the massage is when you threw in of the second you were saying the sentence. I feel like the massage is one you threw in there just because you were thinking of the next word. This type of negativity will not help creativity. Have you heard that before, Jay? Guys, listen, I really know, just so you know how much I believe in the creative process,

this thing started with us talking about how it's possible to shit in someone else's asshole with the shit staying whole, and now we've gotten on to business Yeah, totally I'm into it. I was a reclining toilet is brilliant. Is this what coke is like I've never done coke It's what coke is you know, can you show someone else's asshole? Are we gonna order plane tickets? Alaska do now over over there like some places don't use toilet paper Mm-hmm. Why they don't throw you can't throw the toilet paper in the toilet

You have to throw it in the basket. Yeah, am I right? Yes, and on our cruise ship They said if you throw one baby wipe in there, it's gonna clog our gentle pipes. Yep hundred dollar fine Let me tell you something. I was throwing five a shit into the door. Nothing happened. I hope you get a bill for ten thousand dollars five a shit into the toilet, nothing happened. I hope you get a bill for $10,000. I'm just coming up in other people's rooms. Yeah, just know this shit, Rocked. I'm bringing in many wipes. If you find baby wipes have caused a problem there,

I'm responsible for 11 of those a day. Yeah. It took me three, I spent the first three days of the trip completely backed up, Bobby. Really? I didn't shit the first three days of the trip completely backed up Bobby really I didn't shit the first three days of the trip and it was Jinger that restaurant. That's it. I got the Maloy. He gave me the fucking Maloy. He would have lost you had cheese Can I tell you what you should have done ready ready? I'm you you're you're your family, right? Yeah, we hate you Stop coming home. No, not in your head.

Out loud. Okay. Out loud. No, like you a little bit. I mean, you don't have to come home, but come. That made me so sad. You welcome to me. You wanna be me?

That's how it feels. I did. Not anymore. All right. Okay. Guys, I got this great place. A friend of mine, he's been here. It's the best place in Rome to get.

He's a big deal. He was super fat at one point. Okay, you wanna add that? Yep, you can add that. That makes people happy when you're talking about food. Okay, super fat. I don't know, yeah, I guess I was. Oh, super fat?

I was super fat. At one point. At one point. At one point. Okay. This is the place to go. We gotta go here. Okay, well, I get it, but there's so many of us, and we have to-

We've already made reservations. I know, but- If you don't us and we have to I we've already made reservations I know but if you don't want to come eat with us, it's okay. I'm gonna take my wife We're gonna go there. Is that cool? You'd rather on our first night in Italy? You're not gonna you have to be this is you You're always on the road. Yeah, you always got to be doing your own thing, right? Not have kids Yeah, break your mother's heart right now. I'm gonna stick to What I do. I'm gonna be me. I'm the scorpion. Okay, well we'll see you on the ship.

Okay, we'll see you on the ship. I'm gonna run there, we're gonna have a great time, and then it's the best. All right, Judas, thank you. What'd you call me? Judas. Really, okay. All right, I'm gonna go have the best posture in the world. Because my friend Bobby said it's the best.

I'm gonna go call mom and tell her. Your mom would do that, huh? No, my mom wasn't on the trip. And nobody would have done that. Oh, you can't just add characters to the play. I Mean, well, how am I supposed to fucking him? How much supposed to work with this? That was my sister's Oh, that was your sister. No, my sisters are great. They wouldn't have cared. They wouldn't have cared It was just a lot dude. Just go and it'd be adventurous Michael

Stop being part of the pack and be the leader of the pack. Yeah, what's your family? I go back to the hotel and do a relay. Oh! Damn! Family feud? Yeah, that joke was fuckin' was beaver fever because it was damn! Damn!

Dude, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum. Jay is a t-shirt machine. He really is. T-shirt Jay, dude. That's what, you should quit comedy and just go make t-shirts. But yeah, I can make t-shirts. Like, guys are good at making jingles for commercials. I'm good at t-shirt Jay. You should quit comedy and just go make T-shirts. I can make T-shirts. Guys are good at making jingles for commercials.

I'm good at T-shirt ideas. Yeah, Kevin, make the relapse. I'm currently wearing my reading is gay shirt everyone loves. It is a great shirt.