The Bonfire with Big Jay Oakerson and Robert Kelly - Bonfire Holiday Spectacular Live In NYC

Episode Date: December 27, 2024

The Bonfire campers packed the Village Underground in NYC to witness a holiday celebration like no other! Jay, Bobby, Christine, Black Lou, and DJ Lou were dressed as elves and reindeer. Colin Quinn surprised the crowd as Santa and another guest makes an appearance from heaven. Jacob reprised his role as douchey game show host for the game: Who Knows Bobby Best? Jay and Colin have both known Bob for many years, so it becomes a heated holiday battle. The whole gang sings a Christmas carol to end the festivities. *To hear the full show to go www.siriusxm.com/bonfire to learn more FOLLOW THE CREW ON SOCIAL MEDIA: @thebonfiresxm @louisjohnson @christinemevans @bigjayoakerson @robertkellylive @louwitzkee @jjbwolfSubscribe to SiriusXM Podcasts+ on Apple Podcasts to listen to new episodes ad-free and a whole week early.

And now, the Bonfire Holiday Spectacular live from the Village Underground in New York City. We're gonna break the jaw And try to find the point Of all of me I'm going to die What's up? What's up everybody? Merry Christmas! Welcome everybody to the whateverth annual One so far. Damn, this was a great idea when I brought it up stone

to all of you guys late night. Yeah, we have to learn to say no to you. You were just watching me smoke pot on a Zoom call and going, we should dress like elves. And everyone's like, that'll be great. And I'm like, is it? All right. How come I got it when my belt doesn't fit? Did you have to make a hole?

I had to make a hole. Come on. Look at your belt. That's an Ozempic belt. It's Manjaro. I have a baby stomach belt. Should we change belts? No, we can't change belts in front of them.

Mine's so long, I had to peg it like a 90210. Do I look like the Motley Crue album cover? I'd have the dishwasher in the back stick a hole in mine. Well, let me tell you guys, for those of you listening, everybody, this is the great Robert Kelly. I'm Big Jay Oakeson. Big Jay Oakeson, everybody. Give it up for Elf.

Elf Oakeson. Big Elf Oakeson. Can I just say something right now? Sure. We do look the fuck adorable in these outfits. We are adorable. And we're way too comfortable in public. I know.

We're just outside hanging with Keith Robinson, drinking Diet Coke, smoking. Yeah. We're not dressed like two guys who would spit roast your wife. That's right. I don't even know what spit... Oh, I do. That's disgusting. Bobby, you love sex and you love food. How do you not know what's... Oh, I do. That's disgusting. Bobby, you love sex and you love food. How do you not know what this means? It's the best way to cook and fuck pigs.

Yeah, but I don't do either anymore. How dare you? We have our amazing, amazing crew here. As always, everybody, in no particular order, we have our very, very handsome and lovely, where is he at? He's adorable, Black Lou, everybody. Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

Where is he? Back here. I'm smiling. He's in the back over there. Can you see me? Rainier Lou is over there. You, you, you. So adorable.

He said the cowboys suck. It's Christmas, fuckface. They do suck, though. But he's not wrong. He's just slaying out facts. It's Christmas, fuckface. They do suck, though. But he's not wrong. He's just slaying out facts. That's why his antlers are sagging low, because the fucking Cowboys suck. They really do.

It hurts. Fuck the Eagles. You don't mean that. I don't mean that. Hey, Bobby, real quick. Bobby, what's the Patriots score? Go fuck. You know what?

This week, what was it? You know what? You're getting nothing for Christmas. How's that? Let's give it over here. The great, amazing DJ Lou Rudolph. Put your nose on. Raise your nose.

I will not moan and I will not make fart noises. Get hard. Oh, oh, oh. Mm, mm-hmm. I'm gonna have to go see how you do it. What are you supposed to do, suck your dick for an hour? Ah. Pfft. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha Whoo! Whoo! That nose stays on the whole show, Lou. We told you.

Painful. Of course, everybody, we have the queen of the bonfire. You know when you love her, everybody. She is my very own Christine Evans, everybody. Whoo! She's over there in the dark. Can't see her, because she's wearing all black as usual. And of course we have the amazing Jacob Patat.

Look how excited he is. This is Jacob's moment every year. Hey look we have stage left. Hey Melissa. Hey Melissa. That's fucking her right there. Yeah you're the one who got me fucking banged on cameo with these assholes. Hey, Melissa. Hey, Melissa. That's fucking her right there. Yeah, you're the one who got me fucking banged on cameo with these assholes.

The den mother of the jerk parties. I came to find out that the jerk parties are when everybody hangs out on your Zoom. That was during the pandemic. We did a lot of weird shit. Not like now. Yeah, but Melissa didn't like, it implies that she watched you

and a bunch of people masturbate on Zoom. No, we only had one fat guy masturbating on the, because he thought it was a real jerk-off party. And he just came on already going? No, he came on sideways, had the camera to the left, and he just was going like this. Really? Yeah, hang on, my zinz fell out of my costume.

Oh, man. Well, what happened? Did you kick him out? I didn't. We kicked him out, but as soon as we did it, we were like, what did we do that for? Yeah, you should have let him finish. We should have let him stay the whole time. Every show, it should have just...

Could you imagine getting a several hundred person encouragement while you're whacking off? Yeah, dude, you got it. You're almost there! I see your thighs are shaking! He was naked too, and he was so fat. He was fat? He was chode, he was definitely chode. I'll tell you something though, just you saying that though would have made that guy pop right there. This is exactly what he was looking for.

Yeah, the word chode is kind of hot. Yeah, he jerked off. I think that... Did we have another person, too? Cammy, but she got naked. Oh, Cammy got naked. Yeah, she used to just show her boobs. That's it. Man, bub, you get a lot of tit flashing in your life. Yeah, I do. My shows are all guys.

Yeah. Stop fucking hanging out with dudes. Yeah, once in a while they'll show me their dicks so we all feel better about our dicks. I'm like, oh yeah, I guess this is what guys like us got, right? I can't feel my dick right now. This young lady here said she showed your cans in another show. Yeah, she whipped out her cans at the show we did at the Paramount.

Thank you very much. They're beautiful. Yep. I was there. You were there. I was there. You were there. I got French kissed by three guys who looked just like me. God damn it.

What are you gonna ask? I didn't know Bobby Kelly brings the chicks, dude. Hell yeah. Yeah, sexy Bobby comes out every once in a while. You bring the ladies. Thanks, sweetie. Thanks, sweetie. You have a fucking amazing show lined up.

Oh, by the way, as we're introducing our crew, I forgot maybe, quite possibly lately, the most important member of our crew, the Jeremy Piven flyer, everybody. That's right, everybody. The Jeremy Piven... Bobby gets so upset. He wants to give out Pivans so bad, but he's crazy with it. I was gone one day, and Bobby gave like 15, but he gave out more Pivans in one day.

And how do you expect your people to follow you if you just give them whatever the fuck they want? They're walking all over you, Bob. I didn't know the power of the Pivan. It's something you have to ease into if you just give them whatever the fuck they want? They're walking all over you, Bob. I didn't know the power of the pivots. It's something you have to ease into. It's the power of you want to be liked, and I get that. I have to fight that very much, too.

What are we doing in this outfit? You want everybody to like you, so maybe you'll do silly things like dress like fat elves. We're not fat elves. We're chunky elves. No, no, no. For elves, we're fat. I tell you this, take off his stomach surgery and ozempic, we wouldn't have fit in these fucking things.

Yeah, no shit, dude. We'd be getting fitted at a big and tall for fucking elf costumes. That sucks. Got an Italian with pins and a tape measure trying to get me fitted for a jerk-off costume for one thing. We'd have felt like fools.

Could you explain the origin of the Pivens Forest, Jay? Jacob, could you say that in a man's voice? Yeah. Jesus Christ, Jacob. I told you. You're just an adorably young little boy, aren't you? We just shut Jacob down for the whole show. He didn't like that one bit, but Jacob, if you gotta hear back the audio, it was...

I'm trying to get simple, Jacob, if you gotta hear back the audio, it was, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, his ass. Hang on, Jacob. I think my mic is, there we go. All right. No, no, it's much manlier now, right? Now that you can hear it, you hear the bass. Yeah, dude, you're thumping. I was just saying, maybe explain the origin of the Pivins. Yeah, sure. The origin of the Pivins, for sure. He wants context.

Well, Big Jim's here. Big Jim is here. Big Jim is here. With a notepad and a pencil. He's always watching. Big Jim, the eye that sees all. Big Jim. Bobby, you got to own the show. All right.

Try talking over him. Hey, guys, if you guys don't explain what you're looking at, no one knows. All right. Yes. I tried talking over him. Hey guys, if you guys don't explain what you're looking at, no one knows. Can I, can I, can I? Well, he wants us to give context on the origin of the Pivens. Go ahead, give the context.

Came into the show one day, and Bob, it was the only day you were running a little bit late. Yeah, I don't run late. No, it never happens. And when we came in... Even when I get stabbed. We came in...

And I got fucking stabbed. Well, your snacks got stabbed. My Louis Vuitton got stabbed. Your snacks, your CBS bag of snacks got stabbed. It was my Starbucks cheese platter. You also had some almonds. And it was in a CBS bag that did get slashed, but no one slashed your Louis Vuitton anything?

You fucking blocked it with your CVS snacks, and you were bummed about that. Yeah, I was, because it was the apples with the beer. Yeah, you were like, I should have walked away, Now my apples are tainted. But when Bobby wasn't there, there was a stack of these outdated Jeremy Piven live stand-up comedy flyers for a weekend that had already passed. A big old stack of them. And I took them and had the idea

to take a basic, worthless piece of paper even before the date. Ha ha ha. Whoo! a worthless piece of paper even before the date. I mean, maybe he's high. He might be hilarious. I have no idea. We're going to have Mon. We're going to have Mon. God damn it.

I love his movies so much. Did you ever wonder who he was passing them out to in the studio? Like, why bring them there? He was actually in front of his club passing them out, trying to get people in. He was barking with a fake mustache. Tearing me pippin' the guy from those movies. So they were sitting in the studio, and then I said, I wonder if I just put some incentive

behind these pieces of glossy paper. You added value. You added value when there was no value whatsoever. People will clamor for them. Not only that, and I understand this is the drunk that Bobby got when he gave it out. The fact that you're giving someone something so valueless and it moves them to a point of like you see it like,

like I've seen Jacob's shoulders drop when he got one. Christine, I've never been's shoulders drop when he got one. I know. I know. I came home from that weekend, she had her high powered vibrator plugged in. The one that plugs in. She's not gonna get a child, but maybe she'll get a pivin. You should cherish it the same. I mean, I'm not gonna get a child,

but maybe she'll get a pivin. I'm not gonna get a child, but maybe she'll get a pivin. I'm not gonna get a child, but maybe she'll get a pivin. I'm not gonna get a child, but maybe she'll get a pivin. You should cherish it the same. So we started divvying out pivins. And Bobby, I guess, look, in the nature of giving, I'm gonna give you a stack of some Pivins,

and then you have the power, if you can control yourself, to say, it's time. I believe your face is genuine. You just gotta be, make them earn it a little bit. I feel like Jamie Foxx. Jay, I really appreciate this. It's a lot of responsibility.

I know it's a responsibility. And they're numbered, so don't give them a hand all fucking crazy. I won't, I won't. I've learned my lesson, I understand the value of a pivin, and I really fucking appreciate you doing this right now. Jesus. I love you, man.

Merry Christmas, buddy. Aw! Merry Christmas. Here, show us your tits. No, you can't give her fucking all of them. Just whip a tit out. No, seriously. You just gave her them before she showed her tit.

You're supposed to... Yeah, why would... No one's... I fucked up. That was all of the pivots. Now she's dipping them out for nothing. Show us your penis. Give me the goddamn things back. All right, now you lost it. That's crazy.

You didn't even keep wanting in case somebody wanted to show their dick after. I did it for you, Jay. You gave away all of your bargaining chips. Look at them. Now they have tit all over them bargaining chips. Look at them. Now they have tit all over them. That might raise the value, it might lower the value.

I don't know, depending where you're from. That's crazy, but miss here, I'll give you a pivin for giving the pivins back. One pivin. But they're numbered, and you have to give them back at the end of the show. That's the fucking rule of the Piven Woman.

Oh, sorry, the Piven always goes back. You start every day at zero pivins. Yeah, these are all the pivins we have, and all he had, too. Yeah, you can't keep coming in Piven rich with a fucking shitty attitude. We got a show to do. The pivins start new every day. Miss, your titties have. The pivots start new every day.

Miss, your titties have earned one pivot. You see, Bobby, you got to put your foot down a little bit. I'm trying. Give out one pivot, but over explain why you're fucking not taking no bullshit. Can you do it? Yeah, I'll try. Not you. I swear to God in my life, I'll try. Not you. I swear to God, in my life,

I thought you were gonna just give it to him, because he did this. I was very close, because I never had... I know, I thought you thought about it. You looked at him, you looked at the pivot, you looked at him in the pivot, and then you said, not you. It looks like a father figure. I've always wanted a dad, Jay.

I know, dude. Youies! I got cookies! You got cookies? Oh! I don't take random cookies. Wait, is that an old lady? No, it's from Shannon. Oh, Shannon, yeah. I'll take a cookie from you.

Come on up, Shannon. One pivin for 75 cookies. Bobby. No! No. Bobby, you try the cookie. And then you give the pivin. You see if it's pivin-worthy.

All right, let me see if it's pivin-worthy. 75 cookie... no. No! No, no p... Bobby, you try the cookie. And then you give the pippin. You see if it's pippin worthy. Alright, let me see if it's pippin worthy. I mean, this guy, what's the point of these things? You're right, you're right, I'm gonna try the cookie. It's pippin worthy. Swallow it first, you animal!

You get so excited, someone gives you the gift of food. Dude, I haven't a cookie in like four months, dude. I've watched you eat cookies you the gift of food. Dude, I haven't a cookie in like four months, dude. I've watched you eat cookies in the last four days. You're lying to yourself. You're a fat rat. Fat rat! How dare you fucking do that in front of the crowd?

They didn't see me do it? They didn't see me do it? You eat late at night in your room by yourself. Bobby, that affected me so profoundly. I really feel bad that I did that. That fucking hurt, man. I didn't like that I did it. I saw your face run away. What's wrong with you?

I'll give you a cookie. So sweet, I haven't had one of these in like a year. What? You ate the cookies with me. She said you hadn't been March, you fatso. Bobby? But no, wait. No, don't tell me to give the pivot,

because that's you giving the pivot. Jay, I'm giving the pivot. Bobby! Bobby! Wait, what? You got to give the whole rap. You can't just... No, no, but I fucking chewed a zin with the cookie. Ew! Oh, my God! You gotta give the whole wrap. You can't just... I don't know, but I fucking chewed a Zin with a cookie.

Ew! Oh, my God. Oh, my God. I thought it was a mint chocolate chip. Yeah, I'll take another. Now, listen. Now, that pivot is for you on this show. We're taking the pivot back at the end of the show.

Enjoy your pivot. Hold your pivot. Enjoy your pivin, hold your pivin, love your pivin while you have it. But at the end of the show, what's the number? Bobby, Bobby, Bobby. Am I going too far? No, no, just be like, it's all right. Show off the pivin. You let people know.

Yeah, go to the table and let people see it. Show people around you the pivin. Don't show him, he'll fucking steal it. Now walk back to your table, enjoy your pivin, sweetie. Thank you for the cookie. Merry Christmas. Thank you. Here, here's a cookie. Show me your boobs. I've met both these two outside. I didn't know that they were a couple.

How did you know they were a couple? No, I'm talking about our tits. You have the same shirt on. I'm talking about our tits. You have the same shirt on. I'm talking about her tits. Oh, the guy too, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's a guy? I'm at these two, yes.

I'm sorry. You son of a bitch. I thought it was an ugly Florida woman. What the fuck, what is that? What is that? What is that? It sounds like... Is that Santa Claus?

It's Santa! Santa Claus? It's Santa! Santa Claus! Santa! Ladies and gentlemen, give it up for old St. Nick! Wow, look at that. Wow. You're welcome. Santa Claus everybody, give it up for Santa Claus. I laugh because I want to cry. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh,

oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh and Bob, you dressed up like assholes. Yeah. You look so cool. Yeah, you're dressed like Hugh Hefner. Yeah.

Well, Santa's got to represent, you know. Santa, how are you this year? How's things going? Well, this year, things are pretty crazy. You know, you got the drones. That's a big... That kind of gets in my way a little bit, but... They are from China and so are my toys.

So... It all works out. I thought you had elves make your toys. A lot of supply chain issues going on. From COVID? I call them elves, but they're actually, yeah. 12-year-old kids outside of Beijing. Undocumented elves?

Yes. They're the size of elves. So what else is going on this year, Santa? Well, I mean, you know, a lot of important stories going on, I guess. I didn't know we were going to do this, but... Well, Santa, are you worried about the drones? Because Bobby seems to believe they're everything

from aliens to trying to find a nuclear bomb in the Paramus Mall. Yeah. Well, like I said, I'm-I'm-I'm brushing up against them a lot in Jersey. A lot of people in Jersey will not be getting gifts this year, but not because of the drones, just because that's going to be a thing.

Skip it. Guess where he's moving to. Where? Jersey. Oh. What exit, as we say in the North Pole. Right now, I just got a few drones checking it out for me. Jay looks like a outlaw biker in a Toys for Tots thing.

I got a heart of gold. No, he's the prospect, so they make him dress up like an elf. Like, you want to be in, you better fucking dress up. He's like, oh. They give me a nickname I hate. It's shit shorts. What? I wore brown shorts once.

Hey, tits. I don't wear fists. That's right. That's right. God damn it. So good to see you. Thanks, you too. Now my son is, I think he's at the age where I should tell him that you don't exist.

Whoa. What, masturbation? No, not that, Jay. He knows that exists. Boy, do we. He let us all know at Thanksgiving. What is it? Oh, uh...

Thanksgiving's home? Yeah, Max and... Well, Jay came over at Thanksgiving, him and Christine, and, uh, Max, uh, excused himself during dinner. Good for him. But he made a bit of a production, which is what was funny about it.

Was Christine wearing what she's wearing tonight? Because I can, I almost, I almost excused myself earlier. She was, and Ariella was peeking out during turkey time. Yeah, yeah. Well, good for him. I'm sure he really appreciates being put on blasts for his masturbatory habit. It was my worst nightmare at that age.

He put it on blasts. What? He did it. No, but I'm saying on the radio he didn't do it. You two did it. No, but I always assume if he does this that he's doing it so we say it on the radio. Well good, I'm glad he's proud of himself.

It's good to have a healthy sexual attitude. You know, Santa always believes. Don't cross your legs. I've been the same woman for over 100 years. Santa doesn't cross his legs. Rudolph is, uh... Rudolph is actually trans, when you think about it. Um... Lou, put your goddamn nose on!

Lou, put the nose on! Come on, Lou. Keep the low nose on. Oh, Lou, I'm sorry. I didn't even see Lou earlier. Goddamn it! Oh, boy. I gotta send this thing to obedience school.

I sound like a brick on myself, but... I didn't even see you look like that. God damn it! Oh boy. I gotta send this thing to obedience school. I sound like a brick on myself, but. What'd you say? Face to the glass. Yeah, that's true. Did you hear that? Colin, did you watch Jamie Foxx's new special? I sure did.

What'd you think, Colin? Heartrending. Perfect Christmas miracle. Okay? With the best doctors, you could be saved from a stroke. Atlanta. Only in Atlanta. Atlanta saved my life. Well, I don't know if you know, we have the...

Do you have just that drop lube on your hands? What God said when they did the my son? That's my favorite part of this thing. Wow, you guys really... playing this like a fine-toothed comb, huh? I don't know. That's my favorite part of this thing. Wow, you guys really playing this like a fine tooth comb, huh? I don't know, we're just giving rap with Santa. I feel like maybe we're gonna hear the shaving process. Yeah, drop some nice, yeah,

are we allowed to sing? Does Sirius have rights to, I don't wanna get touchy, they're obviously in a chopping mood. They're here. Sirius. Thanks guys, great to see you. You guys, real Christmas spirit you got. You guys are the last of the Moheekins, by the way.

We didn't invite Jim Norton to be Santa. No. Yeah. Yeah. Ooh. Perfect, Lou, thanks. The nose is getting in the way. It was an autistic choice Lou made.

He's like, you know what? I want to mix it up a little spooky thing. You say autistic? Thank you. Thank you. Does Sirius have all the rights to little Christmas songs we could sing along? Yes.

Any song you want, we could sing too. How about some Kelly Clarkson? All right, sure. What do you mean what? It's the best Christmas song in the fucking world. This year. Simply having a wonderful Kelly Christmas. No, that's not it.

Oh. Did I tell you that I went into Starbucks today and her whole crew was there? The lady had a microphone that said Kelly Clarkson. They were filming this whole thing. And I went in and I tried to get into the crowd. You tried to be seen? I tried to see her.

I thought she was there. So I was kind of squeezing my way in. They were doing a big production for the show, and I snuck past the barriers, and I was trying to see if she was there, and some guy went, who are you? And I went...

You're like, I'm a guy who's about to faint if I see her. She wasn't there, though. It was a remote. I was so sad. Yeah. You love Kelly, right? I think we're gonna be friends this year.

Can you tell Kelly if you guys see her, if Robert Kelly likes her a lot? I love Kelly Clarkson. I know. She's awesome. Well of course, you guys have a lot in common. What? You both lost a lot of weight.

You should be happy. I didn't know Santa had a mean streak. You know what? You lost a lot of weight too, you fucking asshole. You've been up and down. You would have put some shocks on your sleigh. You would have had a couple of reindeers last year. Oh, oh, oh, let's back off. COVID affected Santa, just like everybody else. Santa, we've known each other for a long time.

Yes, we have. You've got such a rapport, I feel, left out over here. He's about, he's the intro in the game, Jay. Be professional. Listen, let me tell you something, Jay. Jay, look, the last couple years, me and you you, we spent a lot of time together, brother. You really did. Very intimate time.

I've known him for 30 years. Yep. But the last couple years, I feel like I've known you for the same amount. Yeah. Yeah, I fucking love you, dude. I love you, and I don't like being boxed out for your old friends.

I think we should find out who your real friends are. Whoa. I'm not sure I'm gonna be able to do that. I'm not sure I'm gonna be able to do that. I'm not sure I'm gonna be able to do that. I'm not sure I'm gonna be able to do that. I'm not sure I'm gonna be able to do that. I'm not sure I'm gonna be able to do that.

I'm not sure I'm gonna be able to do that. I'm not sure I'm gonna be able to do that. I'm not sure I'm gonna be able to do that. I'm not sure I'm gonna be able to do that. I'm not sure I'm gonna be able to do that. I think we should find out who your real friends are. Whoa! Kiss off! I like that Colin went for it. You really are an improv, aren't you? I think the only way to sell this, Jay, You know the way.

I think we do a bonfire style, and we do a game show style. Who knows Bobby Best? Oh! Point your tits! Are you guys ready? We're going to take a quick break, but when we come back, we're going to play the game show Who Knows Bobby Best with Big Jay Okerson and Santa Claus with your host Jake.

Are you guys ready? Lou, are you ready? And now back to the bonfire holiday spectacular with Big Jay Okerson and Robert Kelly. We're back. We're back. We're back. We're going to be playing the game who knows Bobby Best to see which one of you is my real friend. And we have your host right now.

Ladies and gentlemen, please give it up for Lou. Here we go. Lou, Lou. I'm sorry, Black Lou's over there. Black Lou's our announcer. Be a contestant. I can't see Black Lou. You're blocking him.

Is he there? Yes. Live from the Village Underground in beautiful New York City, home of corrupt politicians, morbidly obese rats, a bunch of they thems, and 676,000 undocumented migrants. For now, it's Who Knows Bobby Best and now your host Jake Baty! Wow it's great to be back in New York City. How everybody? Bobby J, we need to stop meeting like this. Twice in a year, people will say we're in love.

Good one, good one. But seriously folks, guys it's great to see you and it's great to see your crew. I see DJ Lou over there. DJ Lou, great to see you. Made it back from Vegas, my friend. Last time I saw you, you were professing your love to a toothless 70-year-old street performer whose talent was standing.

Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. Christine Evans is in the house everybody. Where are you my dear? There she is. Christine though, I don't see a ring on your finger.

So I'm guessing your plan to sucker Jay into marrying you at the Chapel of Love and then having him die of a rare fingernail polish poisoning didn't pan out. By the way Jay, what color fingernails are we rocking today? Belly slipper pink. You glamorous bitch. But seriously, folks, you know, I usually don't make it out to the East Coast during the holiday season, but my oh my,

what an eye opener. If you thought the derelicts of Fremont Street were easy pickings, you haven't seen anything until you've met a sad, lonely New York City broad who's still dreaming of meeting her you've got male soul mate in the park somewhere. Hell, I just landed here last night, put on my best Tom Hanks Heart of Gold routine with this sad and lonely, and ended up with my Christmas cheer all over her titties.

But seriously, guys, when you called me and told me that jolly old Saint Nick himself was gonna be here, well I just couldn't say no. Santa, it is an honor to meet you. You bring so much joy to the world. And I know, I know, this is your busy season. But please, just for tonight, forget about sleigh bells. You and I should hang out after the show and slay some puss together. And hey, if all goes well, maybe you can let me borrow the reindeer for a few hours. You know, ever since I was 12 years old, I've dreamed of getting sleigh head from some desperate

pig silhouetted against a beautiful full moon. Ha ha. But we'll talk strategy after the show, okay? Because right now, we're here for this man. Robert Patrick Kelley. Bobby, how are you, my friend?

I've been better. Well, Bobby, you look great. And Bobby, I just want to say that I don't know who knows you the best. Sssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss Thanks. And Santa, I'm looking forward to smelling your Christmas musk after the show too. But hey, right now we've got a game to play. You know what time it is, it's time to play Who Knows? You betcha! Alright guys, gentlemen underneath your chairs you will see a marking board for your answers. Jay you wanna grab that under your chair. Stop ringing the bell. Stop ringing the bell.

Give me the bell, you can't have the bell. Give me the bell. You can't have the bell. He needs the bell. Gentlemen, I'll be reading you questions. You each have the chance to win one point per question. After you write down your question, the first person to ring in, I will go to them first. Sena, let's test your bell. All right. Big Jay Okerson, can we hear yours please?

Okay, I'm going to, I'm going to need you to shake your tits a little harder, please. All right. Well, if that's the best you can do. We can only afford one bell. Let's get right to it. Why do you want to answer it now? When you're done, you ring the bell. Sorry, I didn't mean to be mean, Santa.

Who gets to give their answer first? Santa, I'm going to need you to ring your bell, and then I will go to you. Please don't give any lip or else that'll dock you a point. But let's get right to it, shall we? This is round one, gentlemen. Big Jay Oakeson, are you ready? Yes. Santa, are you ready?

Yes. All right, question number one. The following is a two-part multiple-choice question. What? Guess the question. What? Guess the f... Jay's having flashbacks when he was a shitty student in Philly. Two-part multiple-choice. I do radio.

Well, guess the right answer, and then how Robert Kelly would respond, all right? Here we go. Robert Kelly's 11-year-old son, Max, complains to his gullible father that his fully furnished bachelor pad basement apartment lacks which of the following items? A, a fully stocked Gatorade and Juicy Juice bar. B, his own podcast studio. C, an official Joe Rogan bow and arrow elk hunt simulator. C, an official Joe Rogan bow and arrow elk hunt simulator.

D, a subscription to Pornhub or E, all of the above. I don't understand how Robert answers. What does that mean? Would he give their sons the item? That doesn't make sense. Would he give in to his gullible son? Stop being so analytical and write something down. A, B, C, or D, or all the above? Big Jay Oakeson, we begin with you. What was your answer, please? B, own podcast studio.

Like father, like son. And, Santa, you, Santa Claus selected B. Robert Kelly, your answer, please, would have been... D, all the above. Oh! E! E! E! E! It was a fucking E? I mean, that's a lot.

Fucking E, that's why everybody's confused. You did add the Pornhub one at the last minute. Well, he asked for that last week. I'm afraid that's no points for each one of you. Oh by the way Santa since you have access to every house on earth perhaps you can answer the following question. Shed some light on this. Robert Kelly has claimed that what's this? Comedian Colin Quinn has been tour dates stalking him for years now, calling Bobby and telling

him his dates over the phone before Bobby himself knows where he's going to be. Is this true? Can you shed some light on that, please? What is that A, B, or C, or D? This is off the books. Well, I do keep track of Bob's dates. I like to keep updated. It's a radio show. Somebody needs to... Oh, we're the serious execs. That's from Jim.

Yes, I do keep track of Bob's dates, it's true. Nothing wrong with that, watching out for a friend, making sure I know what's going on in the spring and fall. It's psychotic. No. All right, we just needed confirmation on that one. Where is Bobby playing next? Bob's free until after the New Year.

Wow. It's true. It's true. His last gig was at the Town Crier in Beacon, New York. Holy shit. I swear to God. I don't even know the name of the place. I just know it was in Beacon.

How do you know it's Town Crier? Astounding. Santa, dude. All right, gentlemen. the place I just know it was in Beacon how do you know it's down crier astounding Santa dude alright gentlemen moving on question number two how many times does Bobby masturbate a week and what is his go-to genre couple ones multiple choice and others what we have to think of,

the go-to genre. Bye-bye's. I'm gonna say. Very grumpy, Santa. Well, because I feel like this game was haphazardly put together. Have you looked around? What do you think, we're fucking

a professional game show team? That's Jacob. Jake. Jake, I'm sorry, Jake. It's Jake, I apologize. That Doug Bell adjacent character is really funny. He's like a successful Doug Bell. I love it.

Are we ringing in, gentlemen? I didn't hear Jay. Okay. Big Jay Okerson, let's begin with you. What do you have for us? I'd say Bobby masturbates two times a week. And his go-to genre? Mom body. And Santa, your answer please.

My answer is three times a week and MILFs in washing machines. Robert Kelly, which one of them was right? You guys. Can I say both? I'm gonna have to say Jay knows me best on that answer. It's two times a week and it's mombards. Because I love a nice cancer freckle chest. How's a milf not part of a mombot, by the way? Well, he had it washed in machine.

I need a ruling, Jacob. I need a ruling. All right, fine. They call you MILF at, like, 27 years old and poor. All right, I'll take that. Bobby wants to see someone with, like, a body that's seen some, like, hail damage and shit. Yeah.

All right, I'll take that. Yeah. I like a chick who's balding a little bit. All right. All right. I like an elbow you can bite and she won't get hurt Well, the thing that lost you was three times I can't do three times I could do two that's about he's only going two days a week It's Friday and Saturday, you know And then Max takes over for the rest of the week downstairs.

Yeah, Max making sure the weight of the house doesn't get too much. Along the same lines, a few years back, I accidentally strangled a hooker who broke character unexpectedly during one of our mommy-son role-playing sessions. But silver lining to the story, folks. Turns out she never had anyone who loved her anyway, so no harm, no foul. Nice!

That's a W. All right. Next question. What is the most humiliating thing Robert Kelly has done to generate money for his family? Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God!

Oh my God! Hey, Mimosa. Jesus. Bobby, I don't see the wife here. Where is the lovely Don? Is HR here? I just think it's crazy that a man like you doesn't have a beautiful someone by their side. You're very soft little hands. You're doing great, Bobby. All right.

It looks like the gentlemen are wrapping up here. Once again, Big Jay Okerson is rung in first. Big Jay Okerson, what is your answer, please? The question again, Jacob? What is it? You fucking pothead, you forgot the question. No, no, I forgot the question. I'd like to give the answer.

What is the most humiliating thing Robert Kelly has done to generate money for his family? Dressed like Cupid, like an ass, on Cameo because Dawn likes expensive things. Whoa. Well, it's 50 bucks is expensive. You really shamed yourself for a few pennies, didn't you there, Bobby? Santa, sorry, go ahead. Creeps with kids tour with Voss. Oh! Oh, shit.

Ah, shit. Fuck! I forgot you shared a stage with Voss in what you call the tour. I forgot you shared a stage with Voss in what you call The Tour. I forgot too. The Tour that made Ron Bennington quit comedy again. Robert Kelly, your answer please.

Send Jim Florentine into a child bride spiral. Everything's gone haywires with that tour. It ruined lives. I'm taking my answer off the table. It's Colin. It's Colin. Bring the kids to our house. Thank you, hey!

And that's the end of round one, everybody. Lewis Johnson, please give it up for my partner in crime, all the way from Vegas himself, Lewis Johnson, everybody. Hey, hey, hey! Lou, a little birdie told me you got some strange last night as well. No. Sure you didn't. All right what are we looking at for points Lou? We are tied. One Santa, one Jay. All right well gentlemen we have no time to spare. Moving right into round two. Oh. Gentlemen, Robert is known for humiliating himself

as Cupid on cameo at his wife's behest. Whoa. The fix was in. What other costume would his wife, Dawn, convince Bobby to debase himself as for a few shekels more? Is that the same question? What would he cut... What would she talk him into dressing as? What?

What? Is this hypothetical? Yes. Can you talk over on that here? He goes, yes. It's the same as the other question. It's a speculation question. It's speculation.

You guys would suck on a real game show. Ha ha ha. Well, we won't find out tonight. Jacob, the question again? He forgot already. What other costume? You forgot about how a game show works. While we're writing, you go, you read it slowly again.

What is the thing? What other? Okay, everybody answers are in. We asked, what's the blah, blah, blah? What other costume would his wife Dawn convince Bobby to debase himself as for a few shekels more? The gentlemen are writing. I just have Bobby write to myself for right now. Yeah, can you get your penis off my shoulder?

I like it right where it is. Mush, mush, mush, mush, mush, mush, mush. All right. All right. Santa, we begin with you. Your answer, please. Ryan Reynolds, horse trainer. He is a neighbor.

Big Jay Okerson, your answer, please. I put nothing uh, nothing. His outfits are already silly for his age. He says the guy with pink fingernail polish. This isn't about me! I'm gonna have to say, Colin Quinn, you win again. Yay! And not only that, but you gave me a great idea to meet Ryan. I'm gonna have to say, Colin Quinn, you win again. All right? And not only that, but you gave me a great idea to meet Ryan.

I'm gonna become an equestrian. That's a horse trainer, God, they ride horses. We begin next with a multiple choice question for both of you. Where did the tits girl go with the goddamn pivin? Did she leave with the pivin? It's right there, Jay. Oh, thank God. Okay, one of two.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. We've all been there. She took my zins to the bathroom? Oh, dude. You know where those are at. Gentlemen. That zin's a real chode, if you know what I mean.

Gentlemen, if Bobby was confronted at his tiny house in New Hampshire by another alpha male in front of his impressionable son, would he A. Lose his cool and yell back at the man in front of his son? B. Calmly but firmly stand his ground like a man? Or C. Take it in the face, drive away, see the shame in his son's eyes, and then violently argue with the man in the shower by himself for the next three days?

audience laughter I have my thoughts on that one. audience laughter I don't like this game. audience laughter thoughts on that one? I don't like this game. That seemed to be a pretty quick one for these guys. They are done writing. Santa Claus, yes we begin with you. I say depending on the size of the hick in question. Fair enough, fair enough. I put C, run for his life, and work at a lie. Now, Bobby, be honest. Your answer, please.

Unfortunately, the reality is C. Oh, bitch. I went home and I argued with the guy in the shower. But in the shower, I won. That bitch, I gave it to him, and he apologized to me. I said, I'm sorry, I won. Yeah. That bitch, I gave it to him, and he apologized to Max and Don.

He gave me 50 bucks. 50 bucks. Bobby, earlier today, you told people that a guy stabbed you in a Louis Vuitton bag when all he did was slightly cut your CVS bag of Haribo peach rings. Somebody cut your back? Look of Haribo peach rings. Somebody cut your bag.

Look, you know, the heat of that thing, you got to, things happen quick, Jay. Oh, you're right. They know that. I'm struggling. Yeah, you only got two seconds. I watched the equalizer. The one with Queen Latifah?

No. Denzel Washington. Well, gentlemen, as a longtime friend, this should be a layup for you both. What was the name of Bobby's first comedy special? Oh. This is going to be simple. Repeat the question, Jacob.

Yes, what was the name of Bobby's first comedy special? These guys are already done. Big Jay Okerson. Just the tip. And Santa, your answer please. Just the tip. There it is. Ladies and gentlemen.

And I'm going to say this. They're both wrong. Whoa! Oh, shit. You motherfuckers. I'm sorry. I remember. You're right.

I'm sorry. It's Robert Kelly Live. No. It was the first person who was called Dane Cook Live. Oh, no! Oh, no! Oh, no! Oh, no! Oh, no! Oh, no! Oh, no!

Santa got a pivot. Santa got a pivot. Enjoy that pivot, Santa. It feels good, doesn't it? Hey, hey, hey. Hey, Santa, you can't keep it. You gotta get back. You always gotta deal with the heartbreak again in the back.

By the way, Santa, tell us, what was it like delivering toys to kids on Epstein Island, huh? Whoa. Must be confusing when naughty is nice, am I right, everybody? Whoa. I kid, of course. Moving on. How many father figures has Bobby had over the years?

Bonus point. How many were Jews? How many what? Were Jews. How many father figures did I have over the years? How many were Jews? That's a good question. That's a good question.

That's a good question. Guess the right amount of Jews and you do get a bonus point. I see that. You like Jews, Bobby? At Christmas? Yeah. All right.

I love Jews. They're fun anytime. Yeah, I love a nice Jew. Can I say that? Yes. You sure can. The guys are students. Can I say that? Yes. You sure can. The guys are finished. Can't say that outside of New York right now, but.

Somebody reads the news. The Post. Santa. Yes. We begin with you. Yes. How many father figures has Robert Kelly had over the years and how many would you?

10 and two. All right, Big Jay Okerson. Okay, I came up with a number of 76, but that's Larry, every guy at the cigar lounge. Cole Hauser of TV's Yellowstone. Oh! Oh! And Colin Quinn. And in all of that, one Jew.

Jay Oakes hit his way up. Yeah! Jay Oakes hit his way up. Who's the Jew? One Jew! I had one Jew. I think Larry was a Jew. Ken Lazs. No, he was Italian. Didn't even know. One of the cigar lounge guys, probably. No, it was Ken Lazsris.

Was my Jewish foster. We called him Lazs. And he was my counselor in Juve Hall. And then when I came out of rehab, I wound up moving in with him because my mom and me didn't get along. So I moved in with him. I lived with him for three years.

Wow. It's a miracle and probably a lie that you weren't molested. Ah! This close. I'm sure, I'm sure. This close. I was inches away.

This close. Gentlemen, we- Hello, Bobby. Would you like to see a circumcised penis? I did see it. Yeah, you did. You gotta earn your plate. Gentlemen. That was hot Bobby too.

We close out round two with the following question. Misery loves company. Whoa. Bobby was fat for many years, but surprisingly he made it. Name three other fat comics that didn't make it. Bonus point, rank the comics including Bobby in order of fattest to least fat. In order of fattest what?

Fattest to least fat, three comics with and Bobby. Bobby when he was fat? Yeah, I'm in the fat part. So the largest Bobby version and the other three. That's a lot of comics. We need ones that didn't make it. This is a nail body. I love that everybody's doing it to themselves right now.

There's so many dead fat comics. Again, I was this close. All right. Yes, they do. I think the guys are just about done, Robert. And I believe. Okay. Ring your bell. All right.

Santa Claus has rung in. Santa, we go to you first. What do you have for us? Should have rung in. I'd say one, John Panet, two, Ralphie Mae, three, Louis Anderson, four, Bobby. All right. That's the order of also funny.

Okay. No, I know you said. You said we gotta put him in order of funny too, right? No. No, Jay. You said we got to put him in order of funny too, right? No. No, Jay. Jay's making his own rules.

Big Jay Okerson, what do you have for us? Big Jay is writing the- John Panet, Ralphie May, Patrice O'Neill, Bobby Kelly. Oh. Bobby, your answer, please. Big J. Big J. How could you not put Patrice?

He's your friend. But because I was going to put Big J because the community didn't make it. No. Didn't make it in life. Patrice O'Neil, you guys know Patrice. One of the funniest guys on the planet.

That was great. Elephant in the room. Mr. P passed away around 10 years ago. I believe it's 10 years ago. He passed away, and Billy Burr has had a benefit every year since. John Panette did the best impression of an Asian buffet lady saying,

you no eat here no more. And he rode that out for the better part of 35 years. Ralphie May did a fine tribute to the Native American people. Got him in a little hot water for a minute. And Louie Anderson sucked young cocks. Yeah. Got him in a little hot water for a minute. And Louie Anderson sucked young cocks. Yeah. What's this?

Allegedly. What's that? Who? Who you calling fat nigga? Whoa! It's the great Patrice O'Neill in heaven Thank God for stomach surgery in Ozempic you two fat motherfuckers were almost up here, too What Colin is still alive

Colin stop doing specials on history. We get it. You're smarter than everyone else. That's true. And tell Jim Norton, I'm glad that little worm finally came out of the closet. I've been watching him do gay shit from up here in heaven for a long time now. What Norton did last week with his wife made God throw up. It was fucking repulsive. If you want to win an argument with a woman, you put their face to the glass, not stick their dick in your ass.

God damn man, the world has changed. Norton's doing a show with an intern. Bennington, Bobby, and Jay aren't fat. And Opie's doing a podcast on the beach. The only thing that makes sense is Anthony's still a racist and Rich Voss is still dumb. What's next? Dane Cook's gonna have a comeback? That was great. Listen, I gotta get outta here. I started a Fat Comic Barbecue up here and it's starting in 20 minutes. Ralphie May is on the grill cooking.

Ralphie, put those ribs down. Why you think you're here in the first place, nigga? Ralphie! And tell Bill Burr enough with the benefit for me every year. I don't even know these motherfuckers you have on. I don't know Sam Jay just because she's fat and black. Oh, one more thing. Yo Rich Voss has been bugging God every day for this. So go see him February 15th at SoulJoles in Pottstown, PA.

One show. Peace. Give it up! Yeah! Come on. Yeah! Oh, let's go! The ghost of Christmas fats!

Patrice O'Neil! That's great. That was great. Wow. Made you cry, right? Great. What a special gift for Christmas that was. The man is dead and still funnier than any of these three hacks. Alright, well that closed out round two. We move right into the next round.

Louis Johnson. Jay is kicking Santa's ass right now. It is five to two. I don't mean to be rude, Jake, but how many rounds are there? We're almost there. This is three, you fucking old Santa. Whoa. Whoa.

Can't feel your toes. Go ahead. Oh. Moving right along, gentlemen, Robert Kelly's frequent travel companion, comedian Ari Shafir, typically insists on visiting countries that would be a hard pass for most. Considering that, which of the following headlines

is most likely to come true? A, comedians eaten by remote Koraway tribe in Indonesia. B, controversial comedian lets heavier travel companion perish to save self in Mad Dash last flight to safety during totalitarian overthrow. Or C, American comedians now Siberian cellmates. Quote, taller comic, I love learning about the real Siberia. Can you read all that again?

No. A. All right, Santa. Jesus. All right, give you a minute. Take your time, Santa. Jesus. All right, give you a minute. No, take your time. I have no. I would say, how about D, Jewish comedian, beheaded and eaten by Siberian companion.

No! Robert Kelly? Colin, Colin. I mean, Santa, I'm sorry. Santa, you just said it really twaddy like Colin Quinn would say it. Alright, that's a point for Santa. Oh, oh, oh, I left because I want to cry. By the way, Santa, looking at pictures from Bobby's trip to Cuba, it's clear to everyone that you pass right over that commie country.

And I say, damn straight. No new toys for those little Kami bastards. We need to make Cuba great again. Are you with me, people? Yes. Fight, fight, fight. All right. It was Hyman-Worth and the next one was Ari.

Considering Bobby's fluctuating weight over the years, how many summers do you feel he has left and why? How many summers? Yes. Easy. You said two. Bobby, how old are you? I'm 54. What the fuck is that? How many summers?

I look good for 54. How many summers? How many summers do you feel he has left and why? Dude, I can feel it on my shoulder blade. Just let it happen. And it feels good. It's exactly the way it's supposed to feel. Are you filling up? Am I?

All right. Big Jay Okerson is shaking his tits. Jay, we'll begin with you. How many summers does he feel feel has left and why? Alright, 15 summers, cause 69. Cool. Brian Adams. Yeah.

Summer. Santa Claus. I would say 11 before Max and Dawn kick him out of the tiny home for foundation crumbling. Robert Kelly? I'm gonna go with Jay I'm not gonna 69 with dawn That's gross This is pre menopause. I don't know what it looks like down there

Looks like Foster Brooks at a roast. This is just... Brooks? I'm the only one that knows Foster Brooks. He does, too. Google it, young son. By the way, Santa, just an FYI. Yes? My new iPhone case is pretty shoddy work, so if you please.

Oh. No new toys for little chun fat this year. If those little lazy hands can't put a piece of plastic together, they don't deserve any joy from St. Nick. You know, you have to teach these tiny laborers work ethic today so that they can build the 4K TVs of tomorrow. Yes. Hell yeah.

It's like, does he memorize this or is he just like freewheeling? He, he, he, he, he, he does three months of prep. Yeah. It's very impressive. Yeah. It really very impressive. Yeah. It really is. Gentlemen, how many...

I found out about this game four hours ago. We've been zooming for three months. Gentlemen, how many times has Robert Kelly gotten a woman pregnant? Bonus point. What would the name of the aborted fetuses have been? Whoa. That's a good question. Oh, I'm going to say I think this.

Stud like you, I bet it's a lot. I bet you couldn't keep that thing in your pants. We didn't rehearse this. Alright, it looks like Santa's rung in. Santa, we begin with you. I would say four, and the girls name would be Dana, Cook, Kelly. Dana Cook Kelly. Yeah! Woo! Big Jay Okerson.

I put Max, of course, who was with us. But I said three total, and two abortions that would have been named Vin Diesel Kelly or Rip. Robert Kelly. I'm not gonna name a chick my daughter Dana. That's a fat girl's name. Well, gentlemen, gentlemen, gentlemen, that closes out the round. I'm gonna call it a day. I'm gonna call it a day.

I'm gonna call it a day. I'm gonna call it a day. I'm gonna call it a day. I'm gonna call it a day. That's a fat girl's name. Well, gentlemen, gentlemen... No offense. Gentlemen, that closes out the round. We're moving into our final round now, but before that, let's hear from tonight's sponsor. Who Knows Bobby Best is brought to you by... Comedy Career Insurance.

If you're gonna make it to the top and right back down again, you need Comedy Insurance. There won't be no siren, there'll be a real fag sitting on the roof going, Woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo! Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee I'm a good father, I recycle, and I masturbate. And I'm proud of it. There's literally a floating island of garbage in the middle of the ocean right now. Yeah. I think it's called Puerto Rico. Okay, alright.

Shut up! 50 years ago they had you upside down with a fork up your ass! Oh my god! He's my baby! Comedy Career Insurance. Comedy's a roller coaster. You go up, but you always come back down. Whoa.

Fantastic. I wish we knew about that. I know. I like that Dan Cooke hasn't come down far enough to pass Bobby again? I say you're gonna pass everybody on the way back down. When? Where's Bobby on the ladder? He's still doing good.

Gentlemen, moving right along, Bobby claims to have had many fats in his life, his fourth fat, second fat, et cetera. How many fats did Bobby end up with? Oh. Oh, that was fucking cheap. Give me my zins back. You know what? Leave them there.

I couldn't get them out. They were so tightly pushed between your cleavage. Alright. Santa, we begin with you. Seven. Big Jay Okerson for the public. Six. Big Jay wins. I've had six vats. Five skinnies, six vats. Hopefully the last one. We play this game next year. You might be right. But this year, Jay is right. Well, we got to see when we get those new contracts. Right, Jim? Big Jim? Hey, yeah!

Hey! Hey, we're going gonna ask for insurance. Hey! Gentlemen, now that we know Robert Kelly invented podcasting, name the one podcast that was successful. I believe Bobby didn't write that one. I'm not into it anymore, Jacob. Santa, let's go to you. The Regs. Big Jay O'Croson?

I put up the Bonfire podcast on the SiriusXM app. And then I wrote, it is. They just don't tell us numbers. Whoa. That's a shot of you. Jim. Big Jim. I feel like I know Big Jim.

I'm gonna have to go with... Jay! Yeah! Jay again. Most successful. He's killer. Ladies and gentlemen, can I be serious here with you a moment? One moment. I have a bone to pick with Santa. Ladies and gentlemen, can I be serious here with you a moment?

I have a bone to pick with Santa. Bone to pick! Good podcast. All my life I've tried to be good. As a child I was a good boy. As a teenager I would volunteer on the weekends at an inner city youth center. As an adult, I spent years overseas teaching English to poor little Asian kids. And Santa, in all that time, I've only ever asked one thing of you for Christmas in return.

A ten-year-old Filipino ladyboy to call my own. That's what Santa wants too. What's the holdup? Let's move on. Bobby Kelly not only claims to be a comedian, but also an influencer. If Bobby had an influencer name, what would it be? What the fuck, James? If Bobby had an influencer name, what would it be? Oh. What the fuck, James? This has to be against some rule.

You've done so much in your life. You've accomplished so much. Oh, Santa. Santa, what do you have for us? Bobby Kelly's influencer name? Kai Hees Fat. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Big Jay Okerson, what would Robert Kelly's influencer name be? Well, I know what Bobby wants to be called, because he asks people to call him in a lot. And I've seen him make guests awkward when he asks them to refer to him as this. Bobby motherfucking Strings. Oh! Damn it!

Well, gentlemen, that ends that round, but we have a bonus round. Fucking asshole, you're so into rubbing me down. Fair enough. I think you're only up here to get frisky with me, you weirdo. Go ahead. Sorry, Bobby.

You know what, just fuck that one. Bobby? Now, yes, Jay, that is my dream to be referred to by every musician as Bobby Strings. Woo! But I think I'm gonna replace replace that with guys, guys, guys, guys, but for my influence, a name, you're right. My musicians, I'm a musician name on Bobby strings.

My influence in a man for his fat guy. He's a point for Santa everyone. Lewis Johnson, what are we looking at for points here? J is Molly whopping Santa. 10 to 4. 10 to 4. Jesus Christ. 10 to 4 good buddy. Well guess what?

It ain't over yet because now we enter the bonus questions. Santa, this is an individual bonus question good for you. Thank God worth 10 points you Santa where is Bobby performing January 24th and 25th? It's been five fucking years you've been stalking me. And then when it counts, God, oh. All right. I mean, shit, hold on, hold on, hold on. He just did Comedy Dojo last week, he won't be there.

It's not gonna, it's not on companies, it's January, right? All right? Okay, hold on. Fuck. Shit. What is that? Governor.

I think you're right. I'm going governor. You'd be wrong. Laugh, wait. Can I go? Wait, laugh, Boston! Wait! Side splinters! That's incorrect too.

The answer was Comedy Club, Kansas City. Sandy, I'm so sorry. I will be there, so if you guys live in Kansas, please come out to the show. Fuck. Tell you what though, just to make... That ruined me. That fucking hurt, didn't it? Yeah, it did. You're whole... the last, what, six years,

you've been preparing for that question. Yes, yes! And you were asked in front of a crowd. Yes! Yes! And here it is, your moment to shine! Yes! And you ruined it. Unraveled.

Big Jay Elkerson. Yes, Jacob? Thank you. It's a done deal already, but let me ask you this bonus question for you more upset If it was stand-up Phoenix to be honest with you Jay which number which number is greater the amount of podcasts Robert Kelly does in a given week or? The amount of times comedian Colin Quinn beat off to Kari Wurr each episode of MTV's Remote Control. Colin is a gentleman. The answer is Bobby.

Final answer. Yeah. Is that true? Yes, it is true. OK. Yeah, I think while she's alive, you can't say you whacked off to her much. No, she would allow it. She wouldn't care. Ladies and gentlemen, we have a landslide winner. Please give it up for Big J. Oh, my God!

Ockerson! Woo woo! And J, you're not going home empty handed, my friend. Oh, thank you. We have a couple of gifts for you. Okay. You know, that's what you say to the runner up. You're not going home empty handed.

No, you're going to get a runner up gift. That was tough. That last one kills me. Let me give Colin his runner up gift right now. Oh, thank you, Jacob. Oh! Whoa! A slice of Joe's!

You get two slices from Joe's! Thank you. Thank you. In the interest of full disclosure, I saw this guy bring it in an hour and a half ago. You get two slices from Joe's. Thank you for the interest of full disclosure. I showed this guy bringing it in an hour and a half ago. Oh shit, me too. Open the box Colin.

There is a symbol of Jay's love. It's his heart. But that's not all Jay. But Al J, you've just won a 5% interest in Bobby's media empire. Oh, what? PunchUp.live. Oh, wow. And there's more. I have 5% holdings of PunchUp.live, 10% stake

in true classic T-shirts, and 10% of Bobby's heart. Aww. I love you, Jay. And wait. Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, Matthew 28, 19 through 20.

It's Christmas, man. I really wish I had pizza. But this is great, dude. Punch up live, it's going to start moving the needle. I feel it coming any day now. Welcome to the club, buddy. Gentlemen, what an honor it was to host this game. Guys, it's great to see you.

Santa, Colin, great to see you. Merry Christmas to all of you. I've been your host, Jake Batat. Take it away. Yeah, Jake. Jake Batat! Give it up for Jake! Everybody, thank you so much.

And big thank you to Colin Quinn, everybody, being our Santa Claus today. Thank you so much. And big thank you to Colin Quinn, everybody, being on our stand-a-clause today. Thank you, guys. We're going to come back in just a few seconds, everybody. It's the Bonfire. Whoa. We're taking this thing home right now, everybody. Thank you guys so much for being a part of the Bonfire

Holiday Show. You guys, please chime in on the chorus. Please. Please chime in. We know you're going to chime in. Chime in for the drummer parts. Yes, they do. Bonfire Holiday Show. Bah-rah-pum-pum-pum.

holiday show. Ba-rum-pum-pum-pum. Big J never helps at all. Ba-rum-pum-pum-pum. I order all the props. Ba-rum-pum-pum-pum. This is my time to shine. The bonfire holiday show. Rumpa-pumpa-pumpa-pumpa-pumpa-pumpa-pumpa-pumpa-pumpa-pumpa-pumpa-pumpa-pumpa-pumpa-pumpa-pumpa-pumpa-pumpa-pumpa-pumpa-pumpa-pumpa-pumpa-pumpa-pumpa-pumpa-pumpa-pumpa-pumpa-pumpa-pumpa-pumpa-pumpa-pumpa-pumpa-pumpa-pumpa-pumpa-pumpa-pumpa-pumpa-pumpa-pumpa-pumpa-pumpa-pumpa-pumpa-pumpa-pumpa-pumpa-pumpa-pumpa-pumpa-pumpa-pumpa-pumpa-pumpa-pumpa-pumpa-pumpa-pumpa-pumpa-pumpa-pumpa-pumpa-pumpa-pumpa-pumpa-pumpa-pumpa-pumpa-pumpa-pumpa-pumpa-pumpa-pumpa-pumpa-pumpa-pumpa-pumpa-pumpa-pumpa-pumpa-pumpa-pumpa-pumpa-pumpa-pumpa-pumpa-pumpa-pumpa-pumpa-pumpa-pumpa-pumpa-pumpa-pumpa-pumpa-pumpa-pumpa-pumpa-pumpa-pumpa-pumpa-pumpa-pumpa-pumpa-pumpa-pumpa-pumpa-pumpa- Damn. I'm here to black them up. Pa-rum-pum-pum-pum.

Put your girl's face on the glass. Pa-rum-pum-pum-pum. I'm singing loud to cover up my tooth. Pa-rum-pum-pum-pum. Rum-pum-pum-pum. Rum-pum-pum-pum. I'm singing loud to cover up my tooth Bonfire holiday show Thank you everybody for being part of our show. Merry Christmas everybody! Thanks for coming out. Thank you to Colin Quinn, DJ Lou, Black Lou, Jacob Attant, Christine Murray-Amonds, Big J, Ocasio, and great Robert Kelly. We'll see you guys next year. Thank you so much.