The Bonfire with Big Jay Oakerson and Robert Kelly - Buffalo Bill The Gigolo & Post-Comedy Ideas

Episode Date: September 24, 2018

It was a great week on The Bonfire. Garren James from the Cowboys 4 Angles male escort service stopped by and Jay and Dan pitched him on letting them join his stable. Dan auditioned with his “Buffalo Bill” escort idea, giving women a true “Silence of the Lambs” experience.  Big Jay got back from Philadelphia, hosting a show with the great Ron Bennington. Poor promotion led to a small crowd. This only inspired Big Jay and Dan to brainstorm new Post-Comedy specials where they would perform to a crowd of no one.  Then, the two Bonfire hosts talk about the one time they filmed themselves having sex. Neither had a very good experience. Finally, Dan and Jay’s worry about the impending post-apocalyptic world grows and it’s time to pick the crew’s post-apocalyptic world names. And they debate if having sex with a “new zombie” is ethical.

You're listening to Comedy Central. Hi, I'm Dan Soder. I'm Big J. Ocasin. And you're listening to the Best of the Bond Fire. Stay tuned to hear some of our favorite moments from this week. You can listen to the Bond Fire Live every Monday through Thursday from 6th APM on Comedy Central Radio. Serious XM95 or on demand on the Serious XM app.

Also, be sure to follow us on all social media out the bonfire sxm Garren James everybody the CEO of cowboys for angels in the creator of showtime series jiggleose Garren's awesome what what a business cowboys for angels. It's exactly what you're thinking It's cowboys for dead people that have been turned into angels right now. Am I wrong about that ranch hands for people who are dead with wings Cowboys for angels of course is a elite male companions for women I like that tagline what I was gonna say is when you're hiring a new person What's that process like do you like is it wreck is it all recommendation based or do they? Do you scout? How do you scout for? Got taking for a test driver's self. Yeah. We have an employment page on the website, so,

you know, the guys just go right on there and then submit some photos and some information. Well, let's bring this up, because this is a question we had, specifically, Black Lou, you had a question about this exact subject. Yeah, basically, like, how do short guys get any love in that kind of industry? And if you do have a shorter guy, you better call angels for cowboys, motherfucker.

Angels for midgets? Yeah, they have many ponies for... You need to go to the bottom of the website. There's a petting zoo for you guys. If girls would have come pet a naked small man. Go cards for tiny ladies. High fius. Go girls would have come pet a naked small man go cards for tiny ladies Hi, I feel High requirement like maybe you don't put it on the website, but in your mind, you know, he said he just tried it

Yeah, I try to hire guys that are at least six foot tall six foot. I mean I've I've hired a guy that was 5 11 and told him to wear But he was really good looking. I mean that he Champs very good He was really good looking. I mean, he fucked like a champ. Very good looking. He was extreme and his dick was enormous. A pack and the guy could go forever. So, you know what Cowboys for Angels could do? Is hire us as like closers, so like post, if it does get taken to sex, post sex we come in just to do like,

you know, yeah pillow banter. Yeah, speak your left. Yeah, as big a left. Hey, you want to share sleeve Oreos? Not to say some funny stories, but you want us to back it. I bring in Coco. Yeah, this is a Steve Austin D shirt. It's pretty comfortable. Scoot over.

What do you want to watch? All this bet is soaking wet. Someone got to work. Anyways. I want to, I don't want to, I don't want to, I brought my own towel. I lay on top of it. I want to come over, they come over like really as cowboys't want to, I don't want to, I don't want to, I don't want to, I don't want to, I don't want to, I don't want to, I don't want to, I don't want to, I don't want to, I don't want to, I don't want to, I don't want to, I don't want to, I don't want to, I don't want to, I don't want to, I don't want to, I don't want to, I don't want to, I don't want to, I don't want to, I don't want to, I don't want to, I don't want to, I don't want to, I don't want to, I don't want to, I don't want to, I don't want to, I don't want to, I don't want to, I don't want to, I don't want to, I don't want to, I don't want to, I don't want to, I don't want to, I don't want to, I don't want to, I don't want to, I don't want to, I don't want to, I don't want to, I don't want to, I don't want to, I don't want to, I don't want to, I don't want to, I don't want to, I don't want to, I don't want to, I don't want to, I don't want to, I don't want to, I don't want to, I don't want to, I don't want to, I don't want to, I don't want to, I don't want to, I don't want to, I don't want to, I don't want to, I don't want to, I don't want to, I don't want to, I don't want to, I don't want to, I don't want to, I don't want to, I don't want to, Well miss there's a little bit of a problem down the train station

You're my cowboy can you do the lotion and the basketball? I mean then see that's my standard voice that is I mean do you hire for that? I get to wear a rope and tuck my head. Oh, yeah, you think dammit get some nice work based off his uh his Lazarus cute Poured horses. Oh, dude. I'll dig a pit did all if you put me in the pit room She's like to be back my fucking dog. She's wait. What is this? And then you just yeah, you shut the door behind her and then this is me champs glue would you for me? Where did you want the full premium package? Do you want to help me move a couch do it? Don't you hurt my dog hi? Bill

You're about a what are you about a size a? So So tell me about this function. Wow, you work at this hospital? It's pretty crazy. It was, everything was lovely at night, Dars. I really enjoyed the ice sculpture. You know, I'm wondering maybe if you want to ride back

to your house in my van, you might be helping me with this couch. Yeah. You know, your office mate, Tim, is a real handful real handful, huh? Wow, what's up with Gabri? It takes you out first before he does terrible things love the nipple rings Thank you. I almost did world room. Very sarshroon, bool. I'll be your co-boy. Not dude, see, Janow killed the discount bin, closes.

Think about closers, bringing us up to do pull-up. Could we be part of a package deal? Could you send like a thick, thick knit caulk, and then when he's done, like me and Dan, come in like squeegee your tits off. Yeah, we take like, take my own. Take Bongrips watch family guy. You guys rates are going higher and higher.

I want to hire you guys. Yeah. Like just come to my house for a few hours. I'm just sitting on the couch. If you is, if you are, get in those angels, cowboys for angels. You guys rate in the car. I get a higher and higher.

I can't wait you're looking for, when you hire a guy you want the looks, but how do you filter out if the guy's a knob? Like what do you do to check their personality? Yeah, I mean, you have to go on a date and beat. Yeah, what do you do for these guys? Walks in looking like that and they're not a knob. Are you just blown away?

Yeah. Like what happened to you? Have you ever hired not enough? Because I was at abnormally fat when I was a child. He's your hire. None of these guys have this level of humor. Yeah. They look like that.

I wouldn't either. Oh, man. Yeah. Well, that's a good question. That's a very good question. I mean, we get a lot of guys that apply with great photos and then you get on the phone with them and they just don't have it. I mean, I had a guy call submit photos and get great photos

and I call him. I'm like, hey, yeah. It it was great look. So tell me a little bit about yourself. I was born for this Every woman that I meet wants to fuck me Last week I was walking down the street and some woman You know was asking how much it would be to have my sperm because I have a perfect specimen body and I was like Okay to have my sperm because I have a perfect specimen body and I was like, okay. It was nice to meet you, goodbye. Because the ego, like if you have a very big ego, you will not be a good escort. Well, your conversation, the thing would be often when she goes, so tell me a little bit of that, your stuff, it goes, last week a girl asked for a cup of my gizz, asked me how

much. I didn't even give her a price. Yeah. Are you paying for the steak if I get it? I promise you that you will find some good looking guys that are nice guys. Yeah. I mean, I'm not that bad looking. It seems to be nice. You're fantastic looking at a very good dance soda. I can dance.

Dance soda is a comedy 12. This weekend I couldn't go to Stephanie's wedding because I went to Philadelphia with Ron Benning. Hell yeah. Radio show. Which I believe we will be airing a week from this Thursday. Yeah, crossover. Cross-over show. Bennington, Big J.

Me and Ron Bennington, the Keystone. First ever Keystone Comic Con. Not Philly Comic Con. That was made very important to us. Really, they were like, this is the Keystone Comic Con. It's a very, very funny show. We interviewed Bam Marjera. Yeah, I saw the picture on Instagram.

I hung out with us and super fun to do that organized horribly. Really? But that's, I mean, that really does show you, I mean, Christine, you're a super producer. Dude, I'm telling you, if we didn't have, if we didn't have, if we didn't give away tickets at all, yeah, to the fans, we would have been fucking Drew Michael in it.

I mean, empty room. Dude, you and Bennington doing that kind of style though? Oh yeah. I would love to just smirking at the camera when you say something dirty. Oh man, you know. It's like, you ever seen an Asian girl with a black dick? Yeah, thoughts man.

Nadi wacky crazy thoughts like you know, maybe we should have Kept the guest list open a little bit longer. Just nutty shit man nutty wacky nutty stuff. Dan just look at my mouth now You know, it's funny sometimes you get a guest list together and then you Guest list isn't always cracked up to be and they told you it was gonna be full, but it wasn't full at all Wait, Jay, I came gonna be with no people whatsoever. What is a guest? I'm a high guest? I mean technically we're all guests.

You're a guest right now in my mind. Great news. My next special is directed by Trent Rezner and I'm doing it on the roof of a building and every one of my jokes in between I have Christine try to talk me from jumping off the roof. That's pretty awesome. I mean it's pretty upsetting. Nobody's Super Christine if I can make her laugh while also trying desperately to keep me from jumping off a roof. I I don't mean to one-up you but in 2023 I

Will drill to the center of the universe to the center of the earth Yeah, I call it The core yeah comedy comedy from the core From the core from the core that's where he really started stretches legs and comedy if you ask this old fucking comedy historian that guy is doing an hour In a heat suit built to deal with the gravity the gravity and the pressure I mean we are talking about comedy at an elite level. Dude, hell yeah, I don't mean to, sorry, I didn't mean to make that announcement on the heels of your fucking don't jump, special.

Oh, dude, it's like, it's I didn't mean to, who serve you, but uh. Big J special splatter. I fucking love it. I'm gonna do my entire special to my mom while she's crying while I'm talking to her on those telephones in prison. That's pretty awful. Through a fucking bulletproof glass.

Just to my mom through bulletproof glass on the phone. That's pretty awesome. And the audio, they told me they're able to get it right from the phone itself. I'm gonna do my special, actually dual skydiving, tando skydiving with my mom. Okay, that's it. You have to want your mom now skydiving with my mom You want your mom now too? I like my mom. We're gonna be talking through the thing It was me my jokes. I'll be like

I'll be like you know, I go so that's my thing with black dicks. I'm sorry I'm sorry. I can't take care of things from in here mom. What are you gonna do? You think I want to be in here? You know, you'll trip on me. I'm trying to do my time If people are gonna so I remember the last of my flu Southwest Airlines I mean talk about battle royale. It's like hunger games for a middle seat in that thing Someone goes I'm gonna turn the channel I go why did you and dad break up? I go you really learn a lot by talking to your parents isn't a dog I learned I Was it what oh my god, this is terrifying. I got to switch channels back

I'm doing what I gotta do to survive maf. Okay. I'm doing what I gotta do. I don't need a file I need berets and a pretty dress. I'm trying to get by over here Any who Trump huh? I mean if this guy doesn't bring on arm again. What's gonna am I right? Yeah, these specials are getting pretty out of hand It's good my mom's and my mom's gonna go I don't understand baby None of these things are funny. You've committed a real serious crime You have to face here and I'm just gonna look at her and be like Damn mom cue David Lynch music. We're out. Hello, Emmy.

Hello. Hello, Emmy. Guess where I will, we're gonna throw Michael Cheyenne Collin-Jost. My name's Jay Okerson. I'll be here in the front row. They kind of put us up here so we don't have to take a long walk when we win our Emmy.

When I'm guaranteed my statue. So that says Mel Gibson. Maybe that looks like to you, but it looks like Jay was saying, I don't, I'm, you know, this suit, I don't want to get it wrinkly on a long walk. I'm, I was gonna try to be right here by the steps. I'm, I'm preparing.

No, you need me. Also, real quick, there's your wheelbarrow next to the stage. That's for me to haul all my goods. I think it's sick. Is there a ramp? You see a wheelbarrow? That's a, my huge nuts up to the stage with me. This is my big old balls. That's my big old balls.

That's my big old nuts. My artistic balls. Dude, you better get a guest host next year at this time, because I'm going to the movies. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha quickly once on an old digital camera with my ex-girlfriend and then we watched it and immediately deleted it. I didn't realize what you look like on Twitter. You watched the weather? Yeah, we like fucked, filmed it, and then we were like laying in bed and we were like smoking cigarettes because we used to be able to smoke in our apartment.

God, she was the best. Mistake, bro. Never shown. Never shown. What? No, she knew we were filming. I know. I didn't say, I didn't say I wouldn't assume

I'm the one that pulled the plug I was like, uh, that's what I look like I just look like a white blob on top of her just my bottom half humping into it I know, but even if it's gonna. No, don't show it Don't watch it together tell you you can show it don't watch it together. I also watched it Post orgasm post load so I was like more like, oh, what are we doing? And it was like, you see the side of yourself and you don't realize what that looks like. And it is not good. Well, I was, I was on me when I saw it, I was like, yes, my big revelation to myself, or I never why that, that was bad. Me on top of my stuff. So tiny. Did you say it was the

independence, the ship, the independence day ship. The shadow came over. I love that. It was timely. Everybody. I've been doing comedy for a million years. 10 years. I've never.

Everything's 10 years. You've been working here for 10 years. We're everything. Those days, both staff in 10 years. I'm a working post after 10 years. Everything I do now is going to be 10 years. You know when a little kid hears something and they just hold onto it.

And they're like two weeks. Two weeks, everything for me now Seniors 844 comedy nine Number to call in if you want to tell your Big mist at mishap story. Welcome to this I film my girlfriend blowing me from the top Bad angle bud real well it was that angle wasn great, the POV, but it was okay. Okay.

And then, but I was like, when I see the video later, I'm gonna, and this is like Sony handicap days, this makes me happy to think that I don't know, I don't believe this would happen anymore at my size now, but maybe it would. I don't know. But I thought, I always thought she was like, okay, a blowjob. I don't have a very big dick and I, she really couldn't pin it, you know what I mean? She couldn't take it all the way.

And her mouth, she couldn't, it just wasn't very good. And I always thought she was just bad at it when I filmed her from the side. This poor girl, what I found out was that every time she goes to put my dick deeper into her mouth, my stupid fucking belly drills her in the forehead. Oh, man It's like knock so she she's getting knocked back constantly. No, it's like trying to watch a bird fly inside through a window The punk punk

Dude bow and time of Hawk is that our post-apocalyptic names? I like it bow and Tomahawk. Jacob your blades. Why do they call them bow? And that's when you get a crack on the top of your head. Yeah. And you're, oh, Jacob your blades, all right? Take that and then.

I feel like a whiskey DJ Liu holds like a big, like a crazy, too heavy battle axe. Yeah Yeah, you already said I was I was the zombie. Oh right. That's right. No, you're our zombie. All right. I think battle axe is now black loaf black your battle axe you cold that Christine, what are you? Pussy Are you display knife For display only there you go there you go black little Christina

I feel like you would rock out like a machete like a South American machete very well Christine. Yeah, like you know those jungle machetes You're a name Giggles blow our cover No, but you can play a blue color blow cover. Oh, yeah, she's the marching band plays whenever she comes but what the fuck was her name flags flag girl Flag girl. Yeah, that's what it was. Yeah, you just call it flag girl Everything's we're everyone in the post-bockelips. Six things. We're being homophobic at first, but then like oh no, you said flag got it Hey, oh, she's girls coming. It's like What's that music what flag girl? Hey, guys, it's the firegirls coming. And it's like, I thought everything I know like my lady would probably have to be an axe girl

Sure she could be a hatchet, but maybe just carries a full axe a big axe big axe. I want the curvy sword That's our me handle with the thing What do you want one I will We got led coming up. We don't have that shit, dad. We don't have that shit. What do you want when I will? Talk me again. That'll add in. No, I guess it's a lad in me, but none of these are it. Why are you looking at klitschikhofs? What?

A klitschikhofs. A klitschikhofs. They were ordering things. Yeah, we're definitely going to put it on a list. Why are you wasting time looking at handgun? How how to kill your boyfriend what? With it how to be an ethnic and kill your boyfriend stop free Someone's tight that in before oh my god that came up like a popular search

Hi Christine you want to pick out your magic carpet before we get back to our fucking knives. You want to get some curly slippers? Yeah. Some curly toe slippers a bit on. Well, we're half top vests. I think Princess J. I'm not trying to address like fucking chippin' nails from Middle East. J, what color veiled do you want to wear? I don't want to bite off your style. Christine's is humming a whole new world. She's just slamming zombie head Look at that Jacob is right it does twist your hand

Just a weird smile on her face you guys are having three sums of zombies You guys are having three sums of zombies. Yeah, she's cool. She's cool. She gets a little annoying if you come. She's down with it. She's cool. You put a mussel on a brand new zombie. They're fuckable for a couple hours.

Hell, I'll tell you this right now. You make sure they don't bite you. You could tit fuck a zombie all day. What's your zombie rule? I'll tell you what? Tit fuck. Tf all day. If you're a necrophilia, it's gotta be a little bit better.

Oh, that's Christmas. That's Christmas and your birthday You get the fuck you get the fuck a dead person and they're moving for you a little bit moving and grooving or maybe that's their thing Maybe necrophilia. I like the whole Do you think when necrophilia? Okay before you ask guys when it's good Jay, I see you throw on face. I'm not saying to Fuck a dead what you know, it you only a few hours. Like a brand new dead zombie. You're rolling your eyes.

This guy's better than fucking a fucking brand new zombie. Not one that's deteriorated. It's brand new. And it wears shirts with holes in them. How deteriorated. Come on man. Come on. Just see a girl, like a nice thick zombie going by.

Just a thick ass zombie, but brand new. Brand like right off the boat like oh dude in the locker room of a strip club she just walked out she just walked out she's finding a way out to the late just walked out and by the way you fresh wax you got a fuck muzzle on you you throw it on yeah you got a fuck muzzle yeah you put that on you put the bit in her mouth yeah you put down you got your condom on you got your you got your Jimmy hat on

Jim You bang it up you're ready to go Jimmy Yes, at the point in the saying as you're fighting the back of you You just finish muscling your zombie and stretching your legs open you go You just don't want to stretch better strap up a gym hat Have you met my friend Jim hat better grab my bag So anyways, oh my knife guy. I'm not a scientist. I don't know how this shit works

You probably know this sooner than I did And let me line it up and we're in there. Yeah, there we go still warm you probably have this sooner than I did. Really though. Really party. And let me line it up. And we're in. There we go. Still warmer than I thought. Yeah, T. warmer than I thought.

Somewhere, someone listening right now. Someone listening right now driving their car is really like Batting around the idea of do they write a letter like how do they complain about this? What he's doing right here to a human being is abysmal It's a horrific horrific thing he's doing, but we're talking zombie apocalypse made up zombie He's doing but we're talking zombie apocalypse made up zombie If if listen that zombie would kill you if you didn't rape it Which teacher each of us and you think and you don't know what the laws of consensual sex are with zombies I couldn't I don't know what zombie law even we have to go to Haiti to figure that out

They haven't evolved this content with me what If I would have to get a zombie consent. Yeah. Yeah. Excuse me. I noticed you just stumbled out of Cheetahs. I was wondering if you'd want to have sex. Brrrrr Come check, baby girl. You don't gotta ask this boy. Stop pursuing me. She goes the ripper shirt off.

All right. Chill, babe. Damn girl. She's gonna grab you here. Yeah. I'm gonna leave. There you go. It goes over and around and on the crown.

That's a win or not. I'm an idiot. Almost got my dick bit on. Hey, it's Big J. Olgrison and I hope you enjoyed this week's best of the Bond Fire. You can listen to the show live every Monday through Thursday from 6th to 8pm Eastern on Comedy Central Radio Series XM95 or on demand on the Series XMF. Be sure to follow us on social media at the Bondfire at SexM.