The Bonfire with Big Jay Oakerson and Robert Kelly - Happy Holidays Campers!!! (w/ Jessica Kirson & Dave Attell)

Episode Date: December 23, 2019

Dan & Jay discuss Santa-Con hunting RAMBO style. The Hawk, Jessica Kirson stops by & Dave Attell joins the show as the gang talks about times they wanted to run away.

You're listening to Comedy Central! BAM! Hi, I'm Dan Soder. I'm Big J. O'Coursen. And you're listening to the Best of the Bond Fire. Stay tuned to hear some of our favorite moments from this week. You can listen to the Bond Fire Live every Monday through Thursday from 6th APM on Comedy Central Radio. Serious XM95 or on demand on the Serious XM app.

Also, be sure to follow us on all social media at the Bond Fire SXM. Hello everyone, it's DJ Liu here with ya! XM app. Also be sure to follow us on all social media, not to bonfire, SXM. Hello, everyone. It's DJ Lou here with you. On Monday's recorded show, Dan and Jay got together at Jay's house and watched last blood, the final installment of Sylvester Stallone's John Rambo series. And it did not disappoint. Here's the clip. We were talking before the break about Rambo series and it did not disappoint. Here's the clip. We were talking before the break about Rambo last blood If you've been with us since the beginning of the show, you know how important and how many times we've discussed Rambo Possibly my favorite conversation we've ever had on the show one of my favorite conversations Was if Rambo just worked it out with Brian Dennehy and first blood and then it up fucking get Ryan Denny in first blood and then it up fucking get yeah Yeah, I'm gonna war with the cops the cops just like to him. He like the cops

Hey guys, oh he got me Rambo this guy's great. He's a good stories out the ass Yeah, dude this guy tell you some shit that'll make your butt snap shot He's got really cool people because I think this guy's real deal dude Dude, I'm talking about for now for you guys dude. It's the consistent them pissing at the urinals Yeah, I'm just fucking serious. He goes, that guy's fucking full of shit. He goes, I've been talking to him and I go, I think he's the real deal. And then the door kicks open and it's him. He goes, can anyone in this police department drink with me? You guys have a bunch of gays.

And we send him to the bar. He goes, eh, you guys are, uh, oh, no fucking way. You're murderous. What's your price for fight no I used to be afraid of rock music because there was a lot of loud noises and claps and they made back but now I'm starting to get into it this is the song to do it night ranger sister

Christian out of the rambo but rambo last blood they completely abandoned having any connection to the previous movies if you watch rambo uh... christine that was a first-rambled you watch cracked yes you never see rambo movie no and that was completely self-contained you

didn't need to be explained anything yeah but it was a surprise like who is this girl with the young girl and you guys are like no no uh... they just created the character for the movie. Jay and I grew up with all the Rambo movies. I saw the last Rambo movie in the theaters. That's how much I like Rambo. And we didn't know that character.

They've never alluded to that character. They would have been cool if they alluded to John Foger had a sister where she was demolishing a town. They got a hold of his of his his old captain from the Travelling and he tried calling Sid the earth He picked up the money of course he works for Ford corporate of course. He's the best because I trained him Did you try calling his sister? No, she lives in Sacramento. She married to a Mexican, I believe.

Yeah, they got off the farm. Guys, instead of a bitch. She's from Arizona, you know what they say about those people? They burnt to a grist in the brain. Did a troutman upset he's gonna go here? Yeah, he goes, ah, it's not a great time for me. He's trying to say his, how about Alice? I think they had a housekeeper that was pretty involved. Me and Mrs. Chapman are in a rough place.

I was supposed to go together. I mean, listen, I love John. I trained him. Honey, it's Johnny. I don't know your fucking work friends. I trained this man. I have to go help. I wake up screaming.

You fucking go help that guy Don't come home trout men. I'm telling you right now Donald trout men He goes are you sure? Donnie? I swear to God. He's just from fucking Massachusetts Sponsored to go to the fucking Kate this weekend, Johnny. Honey. He's it. He's going crazy I told you he's my perfect killing machine He's going crazy the woods. I told you he's my perfect killing machine But we couldn't turn it off now. He's in the woods in Oregon. I just feel a little responsibility Yeah, you sure you guys can't call his sister Have you tried every number? Yeah, let me check if I have the same number

Okay, yes six one seven five two oh seven one one. Yeah, that's what I got to you That's right. Well, you're trying to I'll show up. Let me get I guess it's going to like right to voicemail You know what I'll hang up. I'm gonna buy a ticket on United All this all the up by at the airport You never think about Rambo logistics Just like a combo logistics. If you're on right there, you can go, if you're on right there, you can go,

you can go, just get this dick sucked, and you go, you're brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr of duties to a lot. Yes, this is Troublemen. I'm taking it. So in the movie, his Rambo's knee skits taken down in Mexico and then Rambo just goes to Mexico with a gun, with a 9mm, but Jay had the best lot after she got taken where he throws his pills down. Yeah, he finds out she was taken and Rambobo apparently is on a lot of pill a lot of medications Lot of medications and and he slams them on the ground. They make it very slow motion and Tremacity slams his pills in the ground before he goes to get her as those were his Don't be Rambo pills I'm done with these don't be Rambo pills

Everyone knows I take 40 milligrams of ad fill I can't be Rambo I take 20 milligrams and don't be Rambo. I guess I take 20 milligrams and hope you Rambo and the rest of that because I can really bet I don't know man I want to talk about it. Yeah. What are you taking? That's my not Rambo pill. That's my Randy Dindardine that helps me. He's like a lot of them. Because I got a stool soft. I think this is for keep my blood. I don't know anymore. Because I think I have a white coat, hypertension.

I think the ones I really got to cut out. That's funny. By the way, at one point, spoiler alert, the cartel beats the shadow Rambo. Well, that's exactly what happens today. Sends him on his way and he's unconscious for several days. And when he comes to, not one point is he go, my pills. I don't know how important those pills were. Where am I? What's today?

Oh, man, I got a double up. Oh, man, I'm going to be pissing purple. You guys have like an orange, I can suck all my heels. I need some citrus. Stat. Hey, it's Black Loom on Tuesday's show, Jessica Kierson. You guys have like an orange I can suck on I need some citrus Stead Hey, it's black loo on Tuesday's show Jessica Kierson That's right the disgusting hawk herself stopped by as we made an amazing bit about Jews complaining on the way to America Something about people complaining on a boat ride to America sounds really familiar to me. Listen here

I'm wearing the gloves, but all this alphan is a cabbihat and the scarf and me looking at the Statue of Liberty on a steamer right now. There it is. I told you sir gay. I told you hoife. I lost my wife on the ship over. This is the noisiest country i've ever seen in my life it's worth it's what i thought we got to add a palind before they killed all the children i'm not a fan of the Jewish people being on the same boat as us but i figure we got a couple years to settle that in the america what are we rubbing them again over here are jews are singing today

they all the food that the extra food on the boat Don't leave anything Just so funny They're gonna stick Oh Just You know the concentration camp is still complete on the whole phone right Yeah My whole family got killed

But I'm I need some medicine If I wanted to not eat I just stayed in the camp I go sir I'm sorry to do this is there a very we can block the mist That's coming off of the sea. It's it's hard to hide for my nasal Well, I'm usually it's terribly dry in the cabin So I'd like to be outside, but the mist is just I think I'm getting cancer Excuse me sir. Do you work? Are you the captain?

I have a complaint to give you. I met a nice young man who told me. I don't want to distract you from your job, but the stairs are slippery. I'm just afraid someone could get hurt. God forbid. Far be if we need a complaint. Can we come on the boat? My swippery! I'm just afraid someone could get hurt, God forbid! Fabi, if we can complain, can we come on the boat? We came out of the camps, and we're on the boat, and then we're going, and we're traveling the seas, and the waves are going, and my belly's on, and it's not getting a boop boop boop

Just a good guy that works there, and he goes, Where are we gonna go? I have no money! I have a pair of shoes, that's all I have! They say the boats free. I don't know. This the guy working on the boat goes, I miss you're gonna need to go. You're gonna need to get inside.

You're not supposed to be outside right now when it's raining. Help me with my bags please. Yeah, you miss. It's not, I don't. I miss the help. I miss the help. I miss you.

I can't carry this Miss miss we just we just liberated Auschwitz. I don't think we can help you with your We were liberated it was such a schlep and now and now we're on this for For cock the boat For cock the boat I go for this is a long trip. I go smite I slept Vied and now my took us hurts Amazing

He's there Is there a vac and talk because honestly my shmeckle feels like it's burning Do you have any pillows that are not down? He goes I the Fabian for me the this, but I hear many amenities on this shit. Can I get a potato? He said too much to ask. Oh, he goes, the trip from Ireland is bad enough until he stopped down in Poland, picked up some people.

To hard, both thing. You thought it was bad suffering from starving for potatoes? He's... You're there, these people. He's forking people. I'll tell tell you this the second I get to America I'm fucking shipping up the Boston and I'm not learning it and fucking Jews in where's the Jew room? The door that you're lining in a draft Funny you're doing you guys it just got warm. I fucking are rather sleep in the bottom of the boat and dear

These fucking people. We're saving these folks. We fucking come down from Kira Kinney. Pick up some of these skinny Jews. He goes to a fucking problem. Don't you have any locks, a stench, and white fish? Face the white fish. Yeah, don't have any decent cutelter.

Yeah, that's the problem. You're both there. I won't even swallow it. I won't even swallow it. I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, it assisted living probably get your own apartment but I mean just go there her nurse sisters just these old ladies who teeth would just clank and they would just bark they hated each other like sell me a got could you rest stupid bitch and they'd be like Florence by the way the thought of the my grandmother just my grandmother my poor grandmother do just just I mean like a referee of them they go well she's dumb and she's like Florence just bullied everybody else.

Thinking about the mean old bitch. Thinking about the black Philadelphia help that worked in there. Oh please, my grandmother would call them the girl, the housekeeper. The girl's coming on Tuesday. The lovely colored girl. Yeah, I'm like the girl is 65 and owns a home. Yeah, I don't know, man. Miss Jessica don't get a suit.

She's a a soup. She She my mother would feel so bad. She'd give her all her clothes like even before we'd wear them That's so funny our Jewish are making for Jews complaining on the way to America That's a great bit. I just complain about this kind of concentration camp Just gonna take at least we were on At least we were on land, you know? On Wednesday show, David Tels stops by as we talk old memories of times we ran away from home. Listen here.

Did I remember one time I told my mom I was gonna run away? And I was like 13, and we just hated each other. And I was like, I'm gonna run away, and my mom went to the closet and grabbed my jacket and opened the door and threw my jacket. I was like, shut up. I was like, not tonight. Yeah, I remember exactly. She grabbed, I had an avalanche jacket and she grabbed and whipped it out the front door and was like, fucking go. Dave, did you have a can't wait to get out of your house growing up or were you like,

oh well, I live at home. I had a work after school. Like, you know, my dad, we had a bridal shop. I've talked about the many bonfires ago, but many bonfire. Yeah, but I remember like getting in trouble at school and then like going there and it's like, I'm quitting school, I'm gonna join the Marines

and then I remember like walking home for some reason how like tired I was and I'm like, I'm never gonna get the hurt. I can't even, like I'm the worst runaway ever. I'm already tired. Yeah dude, it's like I could still see my house or whatever it was and I was tired. You know what they don't tell you about

in runaway movies? Fatigue. Yeah, that's it really. You get out of your house and you go like, I like my room. But I mean, if you leave, I don't like her room. But I like my room. You left home in 18?

Yeah, I, yeah, I got out of the house. Yeah, but you know, I mean, did you leave? I don't like her. But I like my room. You left home in 18? Yeah, I did. Yeah, I got out of the house. Yeah, but, you know, I wish, uh, what was gonna say, like, uh, I stayed till 22, but you were allowed to do whatever you wanted, right? So was I, like, pretty much, like, you were, you were not like in a strict home, you know? It wasn't a strict home,

but it was definitely like, I had a lot of responsibility though. My young, young siblings, so I took care of them a lot. But for the most part, and my, I had really was like in a religious home or anything. No, not at all.

That's the runaways. But we had rules, we had rules, but if the rules were like I had to be home at one a.m. Or call. And everybody, yeah, it was always that. It was 1 a.m. Or if you call and go, we're still here, it's so-and-so is how sure.

That's the thing. But can I get another hour and then to give another hour? Yeah, yeah. So but these runaways usually, it's like very strict home. Yeah. Very, I don't know, like, there's a whole other group of runaways now. You ever watch these shows where it's like the prepper family,

like these kids where like, you know, they spent their whole childhood in prepping for like an apocalyptic thing to happen. So it's like these kids I could see, like, I just want to go and like eat ice cream and play video games. I'm sick of like, canning. I'm canning all the time with my dad I don't want them almost saying peaches are good to a 2055

But I'm saying I think if you're a parent now who goes like no you can only have like a flip cell phone only That calls us. I'm never I think they'd be like I shouldn't have to live in this home Do I mean I think they think your parents are shitty Because if you go, you see the rest of the world, your parents seem like they're being shitty to you if you're not allowed to stay up till midnight. These kids, and you're like 12 years old or 13 years old. Do you know what I mean? When you shouldn't be able to, is it Bella's fray?

I've seen her on her phone looking at things, and I'm like, who's that video of? And it's like my friend friend and it's like her friend and her boyfriend are like laying in a bed somewhere together. Like, and I'm like, where the fuck is that happening in your words? Like, you, like, I'm surprised she didn't see more. So that's so out of her world for sure. She doesn't have sleeping over any do-tails or vice versa.

You know what I mean? Hey, it's Big J.O.G.R.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S. and I hope you enjoyed this week's Best of the Bond Fire. You can listen to the show live every Monday through Thursday from 6th to 8 PM Eastern on Comedy Central Radio Series XM95 or on demand on the Series XMF. Be sure to follow us on social media at the Bond Fire at sexism. This has been a Comedy Central Podcast.