The Bonfire with Big Jay Oakerson and Robert Kelly - Intimate Drops (feat. Calise Hawkins, Justin Silver, Joe DeRosa & Ralph Sutton)

Episode Date: February 17, 2020

Dan innocently incorporates a beloved Bonfire drop into a very intimate moment. Calise Hawkins discusses having sleep paralysis. Dan’s mom, Trish, starts him on the road to being a swinger at a very young age. Joe DeRosa guest host. Ralph Sutton has an accident (in his pants) on the streets of New York and Jay and Joe can relate. Dan reminisces about being strung along by two women he was in love with for years.

You're listening to Comedy Central! BAM! Hi, I'm Dan Soder. I'm Big J.O.K.S.M. And you're listening to the Best of the Bond Fire. Stay tuned to hear some of our favorite moments from this week. You can listen to the Bond Fire live every Monday through Thursday from 6th to 8 p.m. on Comedy Central Radio. Serious XM95 or on demand on the Serious XM app.

Also, be sure to follow us on all social media at the Bond Fire, SXM. Hey, it's Black Lou and welcome to the Bond Fire's best of the week. Dan Soder had a life imitating art moment recently, when a beloved drop we play on the show slipped out at a very intimate moment. Dude, I, uh, thanks to this fucking show and that drop, I was getting intimate with my girlfriend and I said, I fucking love it, she started laughing. Oh yeah. She goes, dude, I can't, she goes, it's done. Did you mean to say I fucking love it? Yeah dude I was actually one of your callouts. I said it I just said it. I go I fucking love it she just started

like you know a blur laugh. She was like ah I was like all right. Christine I've certainly neither of us have ever exclaimed I fucking love it ever. I don't think it's weird thing to say. I fucking loved it. You've never said I fucking love it. Yeah. All right, well fucking you guys don't love it. I never asked that. Yeah, I've never been like,

are you enjoying having sex with you right now? I don't think it was fucking love it. I think I've never fucking love it. I think there was a lead in statement. Like, oh, you're. Joe, she's you're you're. Yeah, do you like it? No, your pussy is so wet, I think there's a lead in statement. Like, oh, you're, Joe, she's, you're, you're, you're, yeah, do you like it? No, your pussy is so wet, I fucking love it.

That was the same. That's the most intimate I've ever picked. You know, my time. I know you, I'm almost, I know you got a, I know you got a big weener. I know you've been with hot chicks I know you fucked in your life for sure, but that's the first time I think I've ever pictured your little butt bobbing up and down And then Your voice has to be daunting on the first time the first time you

Know you're getting also like yeah, you're getting sex moments to whisper your deep voice is going deep exactly on whisper Oh Boy you have to keep the base out till about third time. Yeah, I love it. Hey girl. This feels very good This feels incredibly good change your register This feels very good. This feels incredibly good. Change your register. There you go. You're pushing so well. I love it. Yeah, there we go. I just hear someone about their call. You don't say that. You don't say that. You don't fucking say that. Yeah, well, it's really.

So I hope you guys are happy. It's fucking done. Fucking love it. I don't think I've ever exclaimed those words. Well, I guess. Well, I guess you know, I'm like, I'm like, just saying never have. I like my ladies brand. Just saying never have is probably wrong, but I'm just like, I'm trying to think of the situation

where you say it. It's not that I don't fucking love it when we're fucking, Christina at all. I love it very much. I'm just saying, I couldn't imagine the same. I fucking love it when we're fucking Christine at all. I love it very much. I'm just saying I couldn't imagine the same. I fucking love it. I can be like, uh? But do you ask him?

Do you love it? She didn't ask me if she liked it. No, she didn't ask. But in the clip he asked. Oh yeah. She didn't ask me at all. I volunteered all pocket. I was, I was writer director and star of that fucking shit line. It's a funny

You get on top the first time with a girl and just like bowl but you mean your legs. You just go. I'm a chatty Kathy. Yeah, so I start pounding heads up. I'm a squawk. I'm a talk. I'm a talk fucker I'm gonna have that I have that joke in my special, but it's true Like I really did fuck a girl one time and she goes oh boy. We got a talker That's a hundred percent a real thing and we were like talking shit all night like up to it I really did fuck a girl one time and she goes, oh boy, we got a talker. That's 100% a real thing. And we were like talking shit all night. Like up to it, you know, we like flirt shit talking.

And then I was like, oh, I bet she's great and bad. And then I was like, when she said that, I was like, hey, we got a chick. We got a talker. And then I just fucking quadriplegic breathed the rest of the time we fucked. I was just like, trying not to talk. Are you organically a talker? Quadriplegic breath the rest of the time we fucked Trying not to talk are you organically a talker? Yeah, dude you talk a lot when you fuck I'm a talker I'm a chatty chatty bird that's hilarious. I think Metzger's a talker, which is weird. Yeah, dude

I don't know what it is. It's just I like start. I like to start gum and I talk a little I talk a little bit on you to talk the whole time I don't talk the whole time I'm not going to talk to you. I'm not going to talk to you. I'm not going to talk to you. I'm not going to talk to you. I'm not going to talk to you. I'm not going to talk to you. I'm not going to talk to you. I'm not going to talk to you.

I'm not going to talk to you. I'm not going to talk to you. I'm not going to talk to you. I'm not going to talk to you. I'm not going to talk to you. I'm not going to talk to you. I'm not going to talk to you. I'm not going to talk to you. your mouth maybe you can put your mouth your jostle around your hands a little bit whatever works. Dan, can you stop instruction dirty talking? Hey, Dan, you're not calling a game right now. I go, and we're at the top of the book. Good job.

Let's take it over to the bed, huh? All right. She's doing some light neck kissing. Squeeze it over the pants. Gotta get it ready to hold it up. Squeeze it. Hold it up. Give me a little bit of a Sarah Connor one hand, a hand job.

Yeah, dude. I felt like, but she, the way she laughed me, me, love her more. Oh, yeah. The fact that she, like, didn't be like, not laugh, you know what I mean? Just heard me, like, you know what I mean? She just like, right, my face was like, dude, you fucking said it. And I was like, oh, no.

She's like, you said it. Really, I unhooked. You can no longer love it. I unhooked I got I I pulled out I was like no I get a reset I had to reset had the total reset my brain. I did you some light kissing you know you pussy so wet. It's fine You're pussy so wet. It's terrific You're pussy so wet. It's spectacular. I need outlines now. I fucking enjoy it Yes, she goes now you're doing Brody's in it Right now. I feel like I'm fucking a dead guy. I'm like

Hey, it came versus black Lou again Kalice Hawkins was our guest on Tuesday and talked about growing up with sleep paralysis Also, Dan revealed that his mom Trish started him on the road to being a swinger at a very young age Dealing with heartache at one point you started watching always by yourself Mike what did you live by yourself? Yes at that time that's right because I still will not At night in the hotel room or at night if Christine's not there now Well, I will never watch a harmony by myself at in the dark by myself. Do you have nightmares? I don't think so. I use to have sleep paralysis.

So I don't really like to be at home by myself ever. So this was a big step for me to watch horror movies. How often did you get sleep paralysis? Almost nightly. That's why I always keep a man in bed. What is it? Why do you see you wake up and like can't move? Yeah, you wake up you can't move.

You feel like there's something in the room, either standing over you or staring at you from across the room. Yeah, I have. No, I have a black blue. You get black blue. You get sleep paralysis a lot. I get it at least twice a month and we call it the hagg. Why? You look up the hagg. That's like another slang terminology or term for it. The hagg. There's a lot of you guys, the hagg aliens. I didn't say aliens, but I've, I, well, I described them one time when I was me in a phenomenon. I just hadn to wish the had aliens. I didn't think aliens, but I've, well, I described them one time and I was me in a phenomenon. I just hadn't slept in like days traveling from like,

it was like three nights, three different places, flying all of them. And I told you the last time I woke up where I'd ever thought I went to sleep. I laid down and like closed my eyes and I guess I was asleep, but I remember thinking that Fen way, Mike Fen way had come in the room.

And he was trying to scare me, and I wanted to sit up and tell him, like, I know you're in here, dude, none of this was happening. Right. My eyes were open though, and I wanted to sit up and I couldn't sit up and I couldn't talk.

My mouth wouldn't move, and it was like, I was frozen in place, but it was like 30 seconds, which was terrifying. So that's one version of it. Like, I used to have it so often that I would see something in the room and it would turn into somebody I know. Like it was trying to trick me.

Wow. I remember when I first moved to Brooklyn when I first moved to Brooklyn. That's sleepers? Yeah. It's all kind of things. But you ever shop at a lot of vintage stores where you might have bought in a first fucking chest or something like that? Nobody can hang on.

Yeah, do you have any curio that might be haunted? Yeah, what kind of a couture monster did you have that might be fucking carrying? There's so many different explanations like it could be stress or it could be actual like the mythology is where I like to go I like to wonder if it's a spirit or a ghost or some kind of interdimensional Visitor do you believe that possibly to be the answer? Why not? I mean there's a lot of things that has been seen. How can you watch? I watch horror movies with the full I have to keep going because of course none of this is possibly real Well, so go on so I couldn't watch things if I thought there were ghosts and also here is a terrifying like haunting story

Like wouldn't be alright with that. Something that Cleese said is Sometimes it's like visitors or aliens or whatever and I'm just thinking about if I were an alien Would you know I had though? I would would. Was it me? I would adore come. A.O.O. B.O.O.O. We're here for your come. Take me to your come. Take me to your come.

That is a version. It's called a succubus and they'll come and they'll like try to like molest you. We here. Yeah, incubus succubus. incubus is just a hot band from the early 2000s. Yeah, that guy can get my cup anytime he wants. Come get some.

Brandon, boy. Hey Brandon, I'll leave the window open. How do you do, where? Take my cup. But my point being, if I were an alien, maybe I would just come and visit these stupid humans. I have a theory about it. That's why alien abductions, if it's true,

this is mythology. That's why nobody sees it. It's because it's interdimensional. They're just they're invisible. Yeah, they can. So maybe they're abducting your soul. Weird. Not your body. That's too much to pro-wide wake up and be frozen if I believed any of these things also. Yeah, Jason I can be able to sleep for a week now. I am coming up with fear. Christie, punch me in the face so I know no one took my soul. Honestly, what you're saying, that kind of fear. I get that fear. Remember when in Nightmare on Elm Street,

he grabbed through the water bed. I watched that, and I, I don't know why my mom was trying to turn me into like a young swinger, but I had a fucking water bed when I was like six. I was like six. You'd water bed fucking blood. To a sock. Was it child size or was like a. I was like six. I was like six. You water bed fucking blood. To a sock. Was it child size or was like a hand me down?

It was like a, I think it was like a, there's things a full size water bed, dude. It's clean. You had a clean face here. No, man, I had like a full, I had like a full size water bed. Does it exist? I was a child's water bed.

Was it? Yeah. I was a child's water bed. it yeah I was a child's water bed water bed that was a thing it's not awful it's not the hand me down yeah I don't know we just got a fucking water bed and it was it one of those ones that actually squishers or just like one of those ones that barely moves no it was like it would be the best that would be way better than the point no it was the one where it was uncomfortable to get up to water

you can hear it yeah you're just like yeah at some point, if you could put your elbow down and touch the wood through the, through the, honestly, I was a writer. I think I was raised by such alcohol. It's fun. Yeah, I feel as filled with come. Oh, boys, you dream. You know, bars dream. She just, she just did for you.

Yeah, are you sleeping now? I'm not coming. I'm not going to sleep. That's filled with mama's come. You sleep better because it's on mom's warm come. On Wednesday, J and guest host Joe Derosa welcomed Ralph Sutton in just in silver to the studio. Ralph talked about a vulnerable moment in his life which triggered similar memories for

J and Joe. This just happened a couple of months ago and I was walking home from a restaurant and had a shit really badly and I got to 10th and A and mumbled to myself, well, I guess this is happening. And I just fucking totally shit my pants. Just hammered it. Hammered it. The only reason why I was wearing T.

I wish I could see the picture of you're like, your, your jaunty steps leading up to me like, like, that, that, whoop. Yep, yep, yep. The only reason why shit didn't go everywhere was I had dumb shorts on that had like the little cuffs on them and was holding the shitting when I still

What did you do I just it was a complete? I don't know it's still got wait. I have a where do you get? I thank God was walking home. I was only blocked from my house, so you get home and I have I J.I. was know the next thing to do it was know if you if you like burned your legs off I went into the bathroom. Into the shower. I took it. First you maybe like, we can be considered an acid bath of some sort.

I still had a shit a little bit. So I went and sat on the toilet. Shit was everywhere. Did you look it, you could see the inside of the pan. It was everywhere. Then I brought all my clothes with me into the shower and stood there for about an hour just getting rid of everything.

Then bleached the shit out of my whole bathroom. And all of that time I was still going to get out of the pants. I got rid of the underwear but I love those shorts so I just cleaned them and kept the shorts. I had it. I should have I should have pair of shorts one week when I lived in Queens after playing basketball and then I did clean them. The next week Kurt Metzger stayed at my house and he went with us when we played basketball but he said he couldn't play, he didn't have shorts.

I let him wear the shorts after they were cleaned and then I sweared, I'm not kidding in any way. In the middle of that day, he shit my shorts. Oh, it's a week later. It's magical traveling shorts. A week later, two people shit the same shorts. There's a hex on those shorts. I never warm again.

Did you didn't keep them after that? There's no way. No, after the courtts should not work. That would be great. I was like, when someone else shits your pants, I thought I'd go to those pants. When I still lived in LA, this was the most hungover I've ever been in my life. It was a Sunday. And I lived a five minute drive from the grocery store.

And I laid on my couch all day. I was so sick and hungover, and at 9 p.m. I was like, you have to get up and get food. This is a disgrace. So I drive to the grocery store. I get there, I'm like, I kinda gotta pee, but I can hold it. I go get the stuff I'm gonna get.

I check out, I get in my car, I'm like, man, I really gotta pee. So I start driving home, like five minutes, five minutes. All of a sudden, like that, I'm like, I have to shit. I have to immediately shit. It was so bad, I pulled over, it was Sunday night so that everything was closed in the shopping center, I pulled into, or my way home.

I went behind a bank and I dropped trial and made it possible. And made it possible. And made it possible. And made it possible. And made it possible. And made it possible. And made it possible. And made it possible. And made it possible. And made it in the mulch. Yeah, where the bushes were and dude, I'm talking one. Oh my god. Dude, one push. Hey, perfect. Oh my god. Meatloaf came out and just laying on the ground like this mound of shit, dude. It was disgusting.

And I was like, Oh, God, man, somebody's got to clean this up tomorrow, but it's not my problem. So I pull my pants back up. I get in the car, but I couldn't wipe. So I'm driving now. Ask pinched. Ask pinched and lifted off the seat, because I can't sit. And I should again. And you're driving because you have more came. And then I get home. And to the loaf. Yeah, dude. And I came and I had to I lived in a building that had a parking garage. I had to get into through the gates, drive to the get out of the car go to the elevator go upstairs walk through Finally got in the bathroom anybody in those elevators with you. No thank God Pulled my pants down got on the toilet to make sure nothing else was coming and just my remember looking I know where and they would look like there was just a like it was like a

I remember looking at my underwear and it looked like there was just a like it was like a Maxi pad of shit. Oh God. Just in the cradle. It was so disgusting. It was so I Was like I could have been so much worse I was like in midtown and I shit my what the fuck was I what would I have done? I'll tell you what I would lay on my belly across the back of a cab Get home by the goon has questions. I'm laying like this By the way, I went to the back I went back to the bank the next day with my dog and I looked in the mulch. It was gone, not a trace, dude.

Christine's got a story of one of her friends taking a dump on a subway platform. It's kind of hot. No, we're gonna sub, we had to rush out. She thought she was gonna shitter pants on the train. We rushed out right on the first stop out in Brooklyn and she just found a a grassy no. Oh, right.

I thought it was like in the station. No, no, no. There goes Jace fantasy. Yeah. Well, now I get a whole new way to jerk off to it. That brings up a good something I was thinking about today. Yes, professor. Yes.

Proliferation, it feels like at least on the end and W line of homeless guys in the cars. Mm-hmm. And I was thinking how you have to live in denial. Because one time they're in the car, they've crapped their pants and they're laying on the subway car. They get up and leave and then a hot girl will come in with a smoking address and just sit there. Yeah, that's called equilibrium, dude.

That's even out the world. It evens out the universe. That's right, you sexy bitch now You got bum shit on your fucking pants That's right. I don't want to fuck you now you dumb slut You got the sense to not sit and shit. Yeah, you sit in bum shit over there. You moron nice dress you fucking tired I mean you like to think in your head that the cleaning crew comes in what every hour. You're totally.

Yeah, dude totally. We talking about. Do you ever call concierge and ask him to come and clean the thing? Hey, it's DJ Liu, the white one. On this week's Lost Tapes, the fellas watched Love After Lockup, and then they got sidetracked and Dan told a story about why he is a trout in his love life. And then they got sidetracked and Dan told a story about why he is a trout in his love life And then they got sidetracked and called me a bad editor Here's the fucking clip this girl like smoking hot. I swear I've told the story of the show before but who gives you shit?

Ah, she would like take the tickets for the comedy club and I like showed up to do a mic and I'm like You know she's like me? Take it, take her. It means Jenna. I do blow bangs. Yeah. She's like, like, something you think's an angel. God, I love you so much. She goes, I'll suck off anyone who works here.

She goes, do you want to watch me shit? I'm going to excuse me. I want her to make a life for you. Sometimes guys want to watch me shit. Dude, this is the girl that I told you about that I had to sign Cohedent Cambria Postural and went out to LA. And then I drove back with it in the same seat because she never picked up my call

when she moved to LA. She just, I mean, strung me along. Dude, young dance owner could get, call me a fish, call me the trout because I could get strung along. Two girls strung me along. And like a seven year span. Didn't fuck either one. Deep road trips?

Didn't kiss. Didn't, I kissed one of the two, that was it didn't get a kiss to one of the two that was it Yeah, one of them always messages me when I go back to Denver I brought that up last time I work comedy works and she's like I just wonder what my life would have been like with you It's like bitch you had six years shot and you always turned me down. Yeah, you slang it hard, dude But the one that worked at the comedy club disappeared didn't talk to me We were like friends on my space. I tried writing her a message. She just fucking cold-shouldered me.

My comedy central half hour comes out. I get a very random message on Facebook from her. And she's like, what's up, dawg? Like trying to have that like fun energy again. And you're like, fuck you. I was at the Sacramento Punch Line. I remember, it was the first time I ever worked at Sacramento Punch Line.

I'm like, man, fuck you. I just had that intense, like, I still smoke cigarettes, I just remember going outside of that hotel and being like, man, fuck, what the fuck? Like doing that conversation with yourself, like you're talking to them, we're like, oh now you wanna come up and say what's up? And I was just back in love with you. No idea, by the way, everyone can hear you

because that hotel's an apartment complex. Yeah, I'm reason. So the guy in fucking 204 is just hearing me and fucking pitch out a girl that I've never spoke that I've spoke to and fucking nine years. So she, she's like messaging me on Facebook. And then at first I was angry and then I was like, I wanna see what this bitch wants.

Like let's just see what's going on. I'm like, how's your life? And she's not any. Dude, shwore to God, she's like, I'm like, how's your life going? She's like, oh, well, it was good. But like, it's broke up on my boyfriend, it's socks, and? She's like, oh, it was good. But like, it's broke up in my boyfriend. It's socks and like, whatever.

Like, you know, we have kids together. And I'm like, how old are you? I'm like, how old are your kids? And she's like, oh my God, my little prince, like the apple of my eyes, three years old. And I just had a daughter who's two months old. And I was like, two months old? Yeah, but like my pussy's fine. But just she reacted like, yeah, what's up? You want to hang out some time? You're like, did you do my soul? Yeah, but my pussy's fine.

Which is, she reacted like, yeah, what's up? You want to hang out some time? You're like, no, you want to eat my butt? They sleep heavy. Yeah, I don't care. We're at the 12 hour cycle. You can make me into pound town. Baby, I don't even know.

Yeah, if my gash is too loose, you could just pound my shit. I don't know if it's just fuck. My prince sleeps pretty across the apartment. And she goes, he has to live with my mom The state ordered it, but it really was the thing where I was like you dead's impressive That's impressive that you just take a shot and be like hey, you want to back in my life? Here's a three-year-old and a two-month-old baby. That's how much you pined that she thought she had to shot Do I was a per-but I had the guy. I got her a fake ID. I had my roommate's girlfriend go to the fucking DMV.

Wow. And comb her hair a certain way and get an identification card so this girl could fucking drink underage. Damn, don't ever admit that again. I mean, I didn't do anything. I think it's a weird kind of crime. I didn't do nothing. You can't replicate me.

You just said I organized the entire thing. Well good. Where's your proof? This recording. Well, you know what? Edit. I'm disbarred. By the way, last time we were supposed to edit something out, Lou didn't edit out something. No, I did. No, you did. Because, no, because my girlfriend goes, who is supposed to edit the thing out about the sound cloud wrapper? And I go, Lou, and she goes, well, he did, because I listened to it and she goes, and on the show, J goes, you might want to edit that out. I go, I got to edit that out. And then I just go to my girlfriend's house and she goes, hey, who edits your stuff out on your show?

And I go, why? DJ Lou, he never misses. Yes, he goes, well, he does not like you. And I go, what do you mean, she goes, because you brought up so-and-so, the SoundCloud rapper I was like, what in the world am I face? I thought I was like, oh no, oh no.

Oh no. Oh no. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. She was, that was sure shit in the episode. And I was like,

oh. Whoops. Whoops. Hey, it's Big J. Overson. And I hope you enjoyed this week's best of the bonfire. You can listen to the show live every Monday through Thursday from 6th to 8pm Eastern on Comedy Central Radio Series XM95, or on demand on the Series XMF. Be sure to follow us on social media at the Bond Fire at SexM.

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