The Bonfire with Big Jay Oakerson and Robert Kelly - Jesus Nut with Tim Dillon

Episode Date: April 24, 2025

Tim Dillon returns to promote his Netflix special "I'm Your Mother." He gets Kevin Spacey to act with him in the trailer for the special. Tim teaches the group about the "Jesus nut" which is the main thing holding a helicopter together. A lawyer calls in to shed light on whether you can shot a home intruder in the state of New York. They talk about dangerous waterpark rides because Bobby got injured at Action Park. Tim and Jay were in a play called "Ha! The Musical" and they reminisce about their friend Michelle who wrote and directed it. *To hear the full show to go www.siriusxm.com/bonfire to learn more FOLLOW THE CREW ON SOCIAL MEDIA: @thebonfiresxm @louisjohnson @christinemevans @bigjayoakerson @robertkellylive @louwitzkee @jjbwolfSubscribe to SiriusXM Podcasts+ to listen to new episodes of The Bonfire ad-free and a whole week early.  Start a free trial now on Apple Podcasts or by visiting siriusxm.com/podcastsplus.

And now the bonfire with big Jay Okerson and Robert Kelly First positions everybody look alive. Yeah, everyones coming in practice to smile. Jacob smile. No, no smile Don't be a freak. What's up right there? Hi Timmy What's going on, dude? Thank you so much for having you know, Jacob, right? We just had a whole jamiroquai dance off. I've got makeup on. I was just on one of the, like, you know the new news networks.

It's like QAnon news, where they bring you on. And they're like, now, they go, you just released a new comedy special, and woke losers hate it. I'm like, uh-huh. I'm like, it's kind of about my mother and They're like is cancel culture canceled. I'm like, what's is that a question? What are we? Yeah, so You know doing the doing the run of fun. It was a it was a shame Quote when you're everything was happening with with the SNL stuff Yeah, when he said, you know, it's, because people that are so behind him

are so like militant about something that you have no interest in being a part of anyway. You know what I mean? I didn't become a comedian to rage against, or rage for the First Amendment or be some martyr for the First Amendment. I just kind of want people to laugh at dick jokes and shit. So it is so funny.

You have to get a thigh flag tattoo. Yeah, well it's just also funny, because I like, because, like, I don't know, it just, it feels like they're like, they're like, you're saying things, and you're allowed to say, I'm like, everyone's always been allowed, like, people would get mad, but it's more, always been, everyone's okay.

I think it's more actors, were the ones, like, that can't say it. Comics can say whatever the fuck we want. They're like, why can you make these jokes now? I'm like, what? I'm like, you can kind of do it. It's fine. Also, why now?

It's like, well, no, we kind of always did. And then there was a while where everyone was pissed at it for a second, and now it's fine. But nothing really changed. And they're like, they'll do this. They'll be like, all right, and where's your special? I go, Netflix. And they go, OK, and just one more thing.

What causes autism? Do you think? Well, it's, it's actually, you know, dinner with RFK. What do you think causes autism? I go, I don't know. When you have dinner with an RFA, do you have, is the conversation anything besides

like political shit? No, I'm always just trying to tell him something healthy. I ate and then he tells me why it's not healthy. Like I go, I'm always just trying to tell him something healthy I ate He tells me why it's not healthy like I go I'm eating oatmeal now and he goes is it instant and I go yeah There's glyphosate Is there any point where you like I'm so taxing listen to you I'd rather listen to Colin Quinn give a monologue I'd rather listen to Colin Quinn give a monologue I'm just always trying to prove them that I did the right thing him, but it's there's nothing healthy in you know Yeah, unless you kill the animal yourself and strip it Yeah, you have to live a roguing lifestyle to be healthy. You have to have a bow and arrow and a big backyard

Yeah, it's also unhealthy if you shoot it with buckshot. It's got to be the arrow, the clean kill with the arrow. Was it a clean kill? That's such a creative question. Exactly. If you hit the liver, it poisons the meat. What happened to his voice? What the fuck happened? Why are the Kennedys, why are they jinxed? Dude, they're wild. They're just adrenaline junkies, and they like going, doing wild shit.

So that's why a lot of them die. I think one of them died playing football while skiing down a mountain, like throwing a football. Like, it's a game and they still play it. Even though one of them checked out playing it, they still do it. What the fuck are you talking about? They're just...

JFK, what's it? JFK Jr., right? Wasn't that it? He died doing some stupid sport? No, he flew. He flew. He flew in the rain. Who was the one, there was one that was doing that. It was playing some dumb sport. I think that's the one I. He flew. He flew in the rain. Who was the one, there was one that was doing that. It was playing some dumb sport. I think that's the one I was talking about.

Like on skis. They were playing football. Which one was it? Which? Kenny was it? I don't know. I don't know. But one of them.

A ridiculous sport. All right, you wingsuit through a dragon. Right. They sail like the kids, like I've met his kids and stuff. They just like sail around the world and stuff like them and their friend will like sail across the kids, like I've met his kids and stuff. They just like sail around the world and stuff like them and their friend will like sail across the ocean. It's just, they have that adventure spirit. Yeah.

You like that stuff though. What? No he doesn't. What are you talking about? Sailing across the ocean. No, not a sail across the ocean. Did you have a stroke? Yeah, you mean ordering a new appetizer

he's never had is most adventurous. Do you mean trying a restaurant I don't know is good? Adventurous! Adventurous is the wrong word. I meant more adventurous is the wrong word. I meant more like that you like a nice sauce. He likes a sauce. A very proper... I think the concept of a white party I think you find exciting. Yeah, but I think it's super retarded.

They're born mega rich and then they die. It's like, dude, what are you doing? You're not supposed to take these chances. Let fucking people without anything to lose take. You've got a great life, you're gonna get pussy thrown at you and you're loaded and you're gonna die on literally skiing with a football? Yeah, like why was JFK Jr. flying a Cessna?

When you can afford to just have somebody fly you on a G5. Just take the plane. Yeah, take the plane and the pilot, you dumb dumb. Yeah, that's gonna be- Why'd you have to learn fucking stupid knobs and buttons? This is what we're all gonna say when Bill Burr's fucking propeller flies off into the sky. Right.

He goes careening into the Hudson Yeah, I know It's great all those numbers when you see we looked at those Recently remember about how many plane crashes there are a year and like whatever many hundreds there are Like most of them are a guy who was like I'm gonna teach my I'm gonna learn how to fly Yeah, yeah, and his own stupid plants why they don't get a lot of them don't get like documented I was I was I was in a plane from Boston, a Cessna, from Boston to here,

with my friend and some girl, no, no. Harris Smith? No, Sam Schwartz. Oh. And just a regular dude. And he was with the pilot, the guy who owned the plane, he was learning how to fly. And we're flying and we're in a headwind,

so it took 17 hours to get from Boston to New York. And we're in the plane, and I look over, and he's sleeping. And the guy hit him, he goes, you can't fall asleep. I'm like, what the fuck are you doing, dude? I was in a plane once, and a guy goes, one of the pilots goes, I'm sitting here, and he goes, when any of you like to just go into the cockpit and sit in the seat,

and I go, are you mentally ill? Yeah. Is there a more embarrassing way to die than my fat kills the whole plane? Like I shut down the engines by turning around the wrong way. You get stuck on a knob and you're trying to crank out. My belt loop, the one behind.

Oh, that would be a, I'll tell you, I don't know what FAA right. I'm still laughing that you thought you were adventurous. He goes, I go, you know sailing across the ocean, but you like stuff like that. I go, do you know who's in the studio? I was picturing, I feel like he didn't even know who walked in the studio. I was picturing you were on a yacht versus sailing around the country. Yeah, that's, sure. Jay's never, I'll go on a yacht. Jay knows nobody who's adventurous.'s none of us that are adventurous because Lewis is probably the most adventurous. Yeah, but that's no Ari Oregon Ari is Ari's a little adventurous but Lewis's idea of adventure is like fighting a guy at a red light

Yeah, not like I'm gonna learn a skill and then both can wear a khaki colored cowboy Both can do that What the fuck's gonna say? I had a good thing flying. That's a good point. Both can do that. What the fuck was I just gonna say? I had a good thing. Flying. It's gone. Flying. Oh yes. I'll get you there. You will get me there.

I always get you there. The private flying, I don't know what the regulations are on those things, but one of the ones I did with Shane, we weren't going, they were gonna cancel the gig at one point, cause they go, the winds are too bad, they're like, can't fly into it,

we're not gonna be able to get in, so it's not gonna happen. And then apparently another pilot can just go, I'll do it. Yeah. And they did it. Yeah. Right. And it ended up being fine, but I mean like,

that makes the ride so much scarier. Like some pilots were like, I'm not taking this risk, and the other guy was like, I don't give a fuck man, wife just left me, kid doesn't talk to me, what do I give a shit? Yeah, that guy's probably from Iraq. Yeah. You know, when guy was like, I don't give a fuck, man. Wife just left me, kid doesn't talk to me. What do I give a shit? That guy's probably from Iraq. You know, when we were in, I did Iraq twice, and those pilots, they just land

with rockets flying by them, people shooting. They just, and they take off straight up in the air. They don't give a fuck. The worst flight I had, it was me and Sam Talent. It was a private flight. It's from Amsterdam to London. It's 35 minutes. 30 minutes of it were lovely.

Sam Talents taking photos of the plane, showing his wife. We FaceTimed his wife. It was great. We're on a descent. We get to about maybe 3,500 feet, something changes. Bad. You feel it. You feel something change like, uh-oh.

Then the pilots start doing things with their hands and everything, and you're seeing all of this. We're descending, we're descending, we're descending. Talent goes, where's the runway? I look out, we look to the right, the runway's like perpendicular to us. Like we can't even get near it. The pilot does one last attempt to make that turn. The wind blows us. they go, fuck it.

Landing gear goes up, we go back up through a nasty storm. And then the pilots, the Russian stewardess, sitting there indifferent to life and death, sitting there like this, she goes, we are not able to land. I go, oh. And I walked up to the pilots, they go, we gotta land in Birmingham, because this is not to the pilots and go, we got to land in Birmingham

because this is not happening. And they go conditions are worsening at Birmingham. They're getting bad there. So they go, we're going to give that a shot, which is the worst thing you ever hear a pilot say. We're going to give that a shot. So we sat down in our seats, the Lufthansa in front of us had to do a go around, couldn't land to Birmingham. We got to about 500 feet, getting our asses kicked. he drops the plane, we land on the runway, but not straight, like almost like diagonal, and we're getting battered with wind on the runway, and talent will tell you, I thought it was it.

We, me and talent were like, it's the scariest experience you had as an adult, like I thought it was done. I thought it was done. I mean, it's so out of your control. Also, those small planes still have something that closes up the cockpit Yeah, I don't want to be as involved as I tell you when I was the one with a soda was on the one Shane gig With me and when it got like rocky and crazy the guy turned around and gave a thumbs up to soda

but with like his eyebrows up like like Like yeah, that wasn't so bad writers and sodas gave him a thumbs up back like Top Gun But like with no no confidence at all in their movements and yeah, I don't want to see the whole Yeah, when you're in a plane like that you always say to yourself. There's no reason this doesn't crash No, there's no reason I can't think of any scientific reason how it gets off the goddamn ground. It doesn't make sense There's reasons but No, no, I can't give it to you. Helicopters are worse, though.

They're the worst. I had a fan in Vegas who's like, hey, I do helicopter rides. I was like, yeah, I'll go. And we went over the dam. And he goes, hey, put your hand here. And I was like, OK, I put my hand here. And he goes, put your feet there. And I go, he goes, oh, you're going to fly.

I go, no, no, no, no, no. I'm not. I want nothing. I'm not that guy. I don't want to learn. I'm not, I want nothing, I'm not that guy. I don't wanna learn, I don't want you to take a picture of me doing this. I just wanna get, I wanna look, take a couple of pictures and get the fuck back.

Yeah, do you wanna be Lois Lane? You wanna have somebody holding you around the waist and pointing at all the sites while you just let your body flow. That was a sad story that happened with that recent helicopter. Yeah, what happened with that? The guy just, they didn't check the nut.

There's like a thing that holds all these things together called like the God nut or the Jesus. They just didn't make, the thing was not tightened. There's one nut. There's like one nut. Literally, you know, the ch-ch-ch, it's one, it's on one thing. And it wasn't tight and then...

We're so dumb, it's like, there's one thing, ch-ch-ch-ch, and we're like, we understand. It's true. That's one nut, ch-ch-ch-ch, and we're like, we understand. It's true. That's one nut in the plane. Holds it together. I mean, everyone will tell you that,

no, it's helicopters. It's that one bolt that really holds that entire thing together. And if that has a problem, you're fucked. You can throw a ladder up there and just check it out before each one. No, I'm just giving a little. Those are those helicopter tours.

They don't really care. And they were out selling tickets the next day. You know? That same company. Of course. On the West Side Highway. Getting... giving deals. Giving deals.

Going, pay what you want. I didn't know that was one of those, like, just along the West Side Highway things. Oh, yeah. They just go up and down, basically. No, it's African guys who come from... straight up from Africa, who just sell those tickets to tour buses and helicopters,

and a lot of them have machete scars from wars. Oh. I'm just saying it's true. Not the helicopter blades? No. It was wars started by the federal government and they bring in cocaine. Didn't you even watch Snowfall, dude?

I didn't watch it yet, I just started watching it. I heard a conspiracy theory that there was somebody in the plane. That there was a person in the plane who was... The helicopter? No, one of the people that rented it. The helicopter you're saying, not the plane? Not the pilot, somebody who rented the helicopter. They were somebody from a company or something.

He was the CEO of a company that that they took him out That's horseshit it's horseshoe loose Here's what that makes us all feel comfortable That makes me feel good. I go. Oh is it targeted assassination? Yeah, it's better than just a glitch It makes me feel so good cuz now it it's like, all right, so what? Yeah, and you have to undo the god nut just to make it happen. Yeah.

You don't need a sniper in a window. No, you just- Do you look at the god nut for me? Look it up, the Jesus nut. You could look it up. Ryan Hamilton's gonna come up. But. That's right, Jesus nut thinks

he would bring up a lot more other things. Oh wow. Jesus nut, slang term for the main rotor retaining nut. Yeah. There it is. That's it. That's fucked, it's over. Can I just say though, bravo on naming something.

What a great name for a. That's what they call it. And listen, the only reason I know this is the guy that'll help me out with Jets sometimes going to gigs told me, he goes, helicopters, if they're not, if the maintenance is not good, it's not like a plane where you could you can do some things you can try to your it's bad once it's gone haywire it's over yeah yeah yeah and it's because nine times out of

ten he goes it's this Jesus nut that if it is and look at it it's not a big it's in someone's hand if that's fucked it's over yeah someone's like talking on their phone while they're screwing it on you go. No, no, no call me back Make sure you handle that this thing a giant Hershey's kiss. Yeah, that's fine. It's so important It's not what a failing flight the rotor would detach from the helicopter Which is exactly what happened and I think what happened to is the tail part fell off broke off Yeah, coming down cuz just that just the part where the people were in look at this Well, yeah, see the tail was off and it just smacked that sucks. It sucks. It's really sad Did it yeah the blade Wow, here's the other thing it's not it's not even a nice day for a ride

Look at that flying down That's epic. It went and they would drown. Look at that flying down. That's epic. It went and they drowned because it went under water upside down. Well, probably, yeah. Probably the impact killed them, right? The impact will get you. Yeah, that would suck if you were alive

just sinking to the bottom of the mountain. They probably were. It was water. Yeah, but it's cold water. It's not warm yet. No, it probably sucks. I'm pretty sure falling 200 feet out of the sky. I don't mind. If I go down in a helicopter in warm water, I'll just swim. I'll just swim with a whale,

another whale. It's because there's the shore. That'd be the worst if you were inside the comments filling up with cold water and that's what you're feeling. You're going to think, I would love if the helicopter went down and everyone died but me. Yeah. And I just swam to a seafood restaurant and got out. Because you're so adventurous. You do live a life of adventure. And you could lasso yourself onto land. How great would that be if you're the only one who lived and just popped up?

Yeah, just popped up. Just on video? Of one of the best stories ever, isn't it? Artemis Pyle, the guy, the only surviving, the only guy who survived the plane crash, I think, or one of the survivors of the Leonard Skinner plane crash yeah, and like he survives a crash and then walked bloody and battered to a farmhouse and When a kid came out and saw there was like a crazy like blood-covered long-haired guy

He was asking him for help and he just shot him they shot him again. He didn't die, but like he got shot And that's funny. You survive a plane crash didn then go ask for help in the guy who helped shoot you He's a daddy or you fucking long-hair hippie. You look like a demon every new and then there's a story of like there was a story recently, maybe you're aware somebody just pulled into a driveway to make like a three-point turn and The guy wasn't having it and the guy just walked out and he shot him. People sometimes will just- It was not in New York. Because New York, if somebody breaks into your house,

you have to retreat. I think they tried this guy. Really? They tried this guy. This was a girl- He killed a bunch of kids. He killed a bunch of kids, remember that? I remember one girl, they were coming back,

they just made a mistake, and they pulled into the driveway, the turn around, and he got out and shot them. He got out and shot them. He was convicted. He was convicted. Yeah, for sure. It's crazy.

Is that in New York? No. Where was that? I almost think it was upstate New York. I think it was kind of upstate New York. What did you guys say? Didn't you say, yes, the whole thing? It's like, I've always lived by the thing.

If somebody comes into your house and has like any kind of bad intention, you can kill them at will and not go to jail that night, but I think you're gonna get arrested always. If you're in New York City, you have to retreat into a room and run. What if your whole apartment is a room? What do you mean if it's just a...

That happens often, let's say you're Paco, who lives in what is probably a room, I would guess, with a dog. There's probably 15 other people in there that work at Gas Digital. I know, and they're all Filipino in there. They're all Filipino. And they go hide in the vents, in the ducts.

They actually hide behind their scooters that are in the apartment, too. I love the idea of the prosecutor going like, he clearly could have hidden the duct. You chose to shoot this man instead of hiding in a vent. You have to be like, I have a gun, please Lee. You have to beg the person not to kill him. California, same shit.

It was New York. Was it? I feel like if somebody came in, I feel like if somebody came in, you should just blindly be able to put a whole clip in them. Not in this state. I just also feel bad, there's a good chance he was listening to someone, like one of our friends podcasts.

Yeah. You gotta take this country someone like one of our friends podcasts. Yeah We gotta take this country back one driveway at a time We gotta take it back Yeah, it's Rogan law. Yeah, I think there is there is ways out of it I think you can know you can I think one of my friends who's a retired cop was like Just shoot him and drag him back into the house. Oh, that's interesting And then say that they could have good point Yeah, if they're gonna shoot him drag him back in the house and then don't call the cops don't say anything to the cops You have to call a certain number if you're you're a member of the NRA and they'll they'll protect you really

Yeah, they'll they'll immediately I think you have to donate to them or become a member of this, I forget what it is, and they will protect you. Or at least, you know. My friend's dad was like a high level Mason and supposedly that happened to my friend's dad and he just called the Masons and it was fine. Yeah, you can just figure it out. Yeah, I think Jay's right.

If someone breaks into your house and you shoot them. You're good. Fill them up. Just don't tell the cops what happened you have to you have to fill them up You can't tell you say like that I shot him in both knees and then squatted down next to him and gave a really cool speech He goes I bet this was nice. Oh you did was gonna go and you woke up this morning is it? I'm gonna give a cool line like that two desert Eagles you got to put back into your twin desert Eagles that I can't put back cool, I'm gonna give a cool line like that. Two desert eagles you gotta put back into your holsters. My twin desert eagles that I can't put back cool. I'm like, they get wrapped around.

I can't get it on good. They're poking out because of my titties. There's no way. You'll never have a chance as a gun owner, you'll never have a chance to look cool with your gun to do the ultimate thing you're supposed to do with it. Take a life. Yeah. Well, you're not supposed to shoot somebody with a handgun gun to do the ultimate thing you're supposed to do with it. Take a life. Yeah.

Well, you're not supposed to shoot somebody with a handgun or a... Right, if you do, it's going, shooting animals holds no allure to me. You're supposed to shoot somebody in your house with a shotgun. Because if you shoot with a gun or a AK, I'm not AK, AR.

AR. AR. That's going through the wall and it's gonna kill your neighbor while they sleep. It'll go through the wall. Well, it's absolutely gonna fuck through the wall and it's gonna kill your neighbor while they sleep Well, it's absolutely Shotgun fuck up the wall. It'll go through it'll go through most walls yeah, so you could use a shotgun and it just sprays and

Doesn't go through the wall. It's a hilarious insurance claim to file It's one of the more fun insurance claims I got buckshot my drywall you're on the phone with AIG it goes anyway an AK47 ripped up a wall in my house. And you can shoot people. We get somebody on the phone? We have a lawyer on the phone. I'll see if he gets legalities of this. Jason?

Hey, buddy. First time, long time. Wah-wah. All right. I like that. That is my favorite. Waa-waa. You're a lawyer here in New York City? Yes. New York State. Upstate. New York State. So if somebody says here if somebody comes into your house you can fill them up with a full clip, squat down

and give them a speech? Yes. Okay. Yeah, Castle Doctrine. Man's house is his castle. If he's on your property you retreat to your house if he's in your house You blast that fool Now so if he's on your property you have to retreat I Thought inside your house you had to retreat to Know for pussy Yeah, like you had a There's a reasonable expectation he's gonna cause you harm and you have the ability to defend yourself okay yeah I hope you're right

I don't want to shoot anybody so that's why I set up a series of home alone like things for when people break in at first you get a paint can in the face some marbles in the floor that's all before I pull the gun out right you get a rake in the ass if you pull through all that yeah I step on a rake the clunk shit all those hilarious things maybe a hot knob yeah and then if you If somewhere through that you're still judging through the house. I'm gonna put fucking 15 in you I'm putting 15 in you. Do you know if that's the same in Jersey? I live in Jersey now, and I want to kill somebody I Don't know if it's the same in Jersey, but I know in Florida you can just pretty much blast somebody whenever

I believe you can shoot someone through a drive-through window. Yeah. There's a reasonable expectation if you don't get a cheeseburger, within three minutes you can shoot someone. That's going to be Jacob's life. Jacob would move in there and be like, he's going to be water skiing on the backs of two alligators while he's shooting a fucking machine gun in the air. Who wants to live?

He's going to be like Saddam's sons. Is there a type of gun that you cannot use? For example, if you use an AK-47 or an AR-15 or a Twin Desert Eagles, for example, would that affect the way that the case is looked at? No, I don't think so. You're not allowed to have fully automatic or whatever, but it's interesting you say home alone because if you set a booby trap in your home, that's deadly That might get you in trouble. Yeah, you're in trouble if you do that

I don't mean the pain can that a face might be the thing how about the thing that our Rambo did where you trip a wire and then a series of Wood stakes that I made come out and stab you in your upper thighs. Is that okay? It could hit your femoral, but odds are it's not a fatal wound. What did you say? I said, it's only illegal if they're covered in feces. Let me ask you a question. What if I paint my body like a cabinet

and I blend into the background of my kitchen and then he walks by and I slice his throat because he doesn't see me? But hang on. But the way that goes is he walks completely by Bobby, and then you see Bobby's eyes open and then he comes off the thing And slits his throat is that you hold up in court. Would you try that case? I Would do it for free

Were you are were you aware of that case where a guy? Sadly killed a girl and her friends who went into his driveway by mistake and it happened in upstate New York? You know, I'm not aware of it, but that really does sound like upstate New York, quite honestly. Nice.

Yeah, it happened upstate, it was sad. Congrats, Bobby, nice place to live. Upstate, no, not where I live. You're not upstate. You talk to Roscoe, New York, Livingston, up in that. Where was this, Jake? It gets nuts up there. Do you know where it was? It was somewhere up there. And there's like one cop for like- Roscoe New York Livingston up in that way it gets it gets not so close

Somewhere up and there's no there's like one cop. I want to say Elmira miles It's like though. It's the Wild West up in Roscoe Washington County, New York I don't know where the hell that is up up in up upstate New York is pretty I always find it so funny that upstate New York and we're gonna start Caitlin Gillis he shot it gets pretty in the front seat it gets pretty fucking hillbilly in Western New Jersey. Look at this guy. That guy. Caitlin Gillis, she shot. Caitlin sitting in the front seat. It gets pretty fucking hillbilly in western New Jersey and upstate New York. It's really wild how like, you think of those things as, everyone thinks of Jersey, Jersey Shore.

The Jersey Shore cast almost, specifically in like a real degoy, like, hey, hey, hey. And upstate is like, just seems like it's a suburb of New York, but it gets so hillbilly I'm still but it gets hillbilly, but it also gets ghetto because Giuliani shipped a lot of people up to Kingston It's black in general. That's right

He's shipped a lot of those people a lot of people up there not blacks in general But like low-income people right the the Latin Kings all the gangs went up there, right? So these little tiny redneck why'd you wink after you said low-income people though? I did it so you you know Urban people I didn't wink he's by the way by the way he winked again I know I'm not winking Bobby when you want first of all when I went you can hear it low-income people Hey, gotcha New Jersey does not have a stay in your ground But Castle doctor and does apply if someone comes in your house

You can shoot them dead Christine Remember that yeah, if you walk into my home Well, she's not on the paperwork she's not on the paperwork I can kill it no but she can do the same thing to you No, she don't paperwork She water rights she does shit she might have squatter's rights. Are you going to get a rifle? Hm? You hurt me.

A rifle? Yeah. No, a rifle's gay. Well, you can't get a gun. Why not? Because you have to take an 18-hour course. I'll take it. 18 hours?

Yeah. Are you crazy? How does buy a gun illegally, dude? You can't say that. Don't say that on air. What? That you're going to buy a gun illegally, you fucking maniac.

I'm not going to talk to a guy named Junebug in an alley. No. No, he knew my mom at school. You can go down and buy any long gun, dude. Rifles are boring. It's not boring. What's wrong with boring about a rifle? Well, I can't pull it out and John Wicklake walked through my home, eliminating people.

Here's the thing, is there's no way to take an abbreviated course at that 18 hours? There's no way to get it down to the basics. There definitely is. There's gotta be a four hour. In New York, I think it's a 16 or 18 hour course. And there's no, you have to. I've heard a couple people have given me the, it'll be fine.

Yeah, there's gotta be a workaround. I mean, there's a workaround in everything, but you're not gonna. I know. You're not gonna announce it on a radio show, but I'm sure there's somebody who knows somebody who knows somebody but Yeah, you know if I get mine I took these 16 hours So when I get my hand of what I get my does the course show you how like load it and everything?

What they show you how to load the course? The course door if the course started like this they were like alright, so Rudy Giuliani shipped a lot of low-income people. Low-income. Low-income wink. I'll take the class of when I'm done, I can do that thing where I throw the clip up in the air, and then I swing the gun across, and it goes in. Into the thing.

And then I put 15, and the son of a bitch just came to my house. Well, you can rack it with- A fucking overzealous UPS driver. When you rack it with one hand, like John Wick? Yes. No, I think it's all about, it's boring, and gun and gun safety and everything about guns and it sucks. It's pretty boring Yeah, teach you all about guns that is valuable what if I put all 15 in the same hole

In the same home. Yeah right there on the target. No the person oh is in my house There's somebody in my house. There's somebody in my house. Buddy, I don't think it matters. I don't think the cops are going to show up, man, good shooting. I don't think they're going to do that. They wouldn't be impressed by that?

I mean, I would be. Taking an honorary badge like Elvis? Can I be in the DEA now like Elvis? Oh, perhaps. We got to take a commercial break. I know that. Tim Dillon's new special, I'm Your Mother, available right now on Netflix.

Any feedback on the promo? People aren't getting super bad about it. Well they get mad at him about it. I read some stuff about him today. What'd they say? They're just attacking him of fucking trying to you know get back in by doing that character. What's the guy supposed to do? Walk into the ocean? I don't know, dude. Take a helicopter ride in New York? Weinstein's coming back. Everybody's coming back. Is Weinstein coming back? He's coming back.

Is he doing Tarantino's 10th movie? Movies are going to get good again. He's producing from the clink. That's great. Make sure you check his special out, I'm Your Mother, available right now on Netflix. Watch it, and then watch it again. We'll be right back.

It's The Bonfire. And now back to The Bonfire with Big Jay Okerson and Robert Kelly. I love fucking ash. I don't care if it has a view of the ocean. You podcasters think you've inherited the kingdom. Hold on. I'm going to have to call you back. Whispering in ears, swaying elections, spinning the truth like it was cotton candy when in

fact you're nothing but a bunch of clowns juggling boner pills and hair tonic. Frank Underwood? I thought you were dead. I'm as dead as John McCain. He is dead. Excuse my ignorance, I meant Herman Cain. He's also dead. Dean Cain.

To be honest, I don't know. Well, it doesn't matter anyway because I'm back. And that's why I need you to go on your little podcast and say this. I don't do political endorsements. I think you're going to do exactly as I ask, Mr. Dillon. I think you're going to do exactly as I ask, Mr. Dillon. Door-dash orders made from inside a five-star steakhouse? While at a hotel in Milwaukee in 2023, you called a Taco Bell just to talk?

And you once paid $6,000 to have a Carville ice cream cake overnighted to a theater in Norway and then returned it for a refund because it wasn't cookie puss. Jesus Christ, Frank, I'll read it. But first, you gotta plug my comedy special. Oh, Jesus. It's good. I filmed it in Austin. I don't care if you filmed it on Mars with Elon Musk. I'm not here to help you. These photos you gave me?

I've posted them all. I'm on the internet. We don't have blackmail. We have content. We're all demons from hell. You son of a bitch. There is no limit to your duplicity, to your pandering, to your shameless and desperate desire to cling to relevance.

You are... you are... I'm what? My kind of bastard. You have my endorsement, Mr. Dillon. I appreciate that, Frank, and I read ads for Morgan & Morgan Law Firm. I'm sure I can endorse... The Daily Wire's new musical? It's really good.

Oh, by the way, which network is your comedy special on? Netflix. You found lonesome, evil little cockroach. But I love it. So good. This is fun. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So good.

This is a fun one. He's a really talented actor. Do you know how happy you made him that he got to tap back into? He got to go with a script in his living room, yet it be small, maybe a studio somewhere, by himself and just go over the lines and have some guy, hey, can you read with me?

He got to do what he loves. That's what he loves. Loves acting. That's one of the things he loves. guy, hey, can you read with me? He got to do what he loves. That's what he loves. Loves acting. That's one of the things he loves. Well, he loves other things, the other thing got him in trouble. But they kind of. Well, that's it.

What's funny is, because it's applied here, which is great, the character. When he did the, when his first try to come back was like, I'm just gonna chop up zucchini and talk like a lunatic. Everyone was like, is this guy, does someone check on him? Or does he need to go to a wellnessatic. Everyone was like, is this guy, does someone check on him? Or does he look like a wellness check?

That was actually great acting too. But that, he was in his fucking heaven. He's in his element, man. Yeah, he was, that's so good. He really killed it. And that character's the first character that Netflix ever made big. Yeah.

That show, huge. Huge. Huge. That show was their hit show. Awesome show. It was a great show. Until the final season.. That show was their hit show. Awesome show. It was a great show. Until the final season. When they replaced him with a woman.

They've been ruinin' everything. You're right Tim. Women ruin everything. Ruin everything. You heard it here first. You heard it here first, but from Tim. I heard, I was listening to, I had to rewind it for Christina,

I was listening to Corey Holcomb. He's the best. Who is hilariously by the way, now he's saying everything in Hollywood. You don't have a Hollywood moment at all. I wanted for Christina, I was listening to Corey Holcomb. He's the best. It was hilariously, by the way. Now he's saying everything in Hollywood. You don't have a Hollywood moment at all unless you've done gay stuff. He's called Will Smith, he's saying done gay stuff.

But, and he was talking about Godfrey. He calls Godfrey Gay Man, because that was his character's name in Soul Plane. And he just keeps making claims about Godfrey having to have done gay shit, because he believes Godfrey's a movie star. He describes. That was in my stomach, by the way.

Okay. I'm just letting you know. But he said a line that made me laugh so hard. The stuff he said he tells women when he's gonna take care of them now, he goes, if you don't wanna relive your mama's life, behave. I mean, I'd go, Christine, come here, come here. L.S. says, if you don't wanna repeat your mama's life, behave.

He really does. He gets to the core of it. He gets to the core of it very quickly. That's so funny. But he is, I mean, homophobic to the umpteenth power and just living it out there. It'd be hilarious if he was just gay. I mean, I doubt it, but it's strange to...

Well, I don't know, to have that strong feelings about it? That's kind of a common belief, because I think Godfrey told me Kevin Hart did gay shit. Like, it's always... someone's always kind of saying gay shit. Kevin Hart, you're doing gay shit. With The Rock. He did it with Jay first. But he also said The Rock was kind of gay. Keith used to make Kevin Hart and always kind of saying that. If someone's doing better than you, you're doing shit. With The Rock. He did it with Jay first. He did it with Jay.

But he also said The Rock was kind of gay. Keith used to make Kevin Hart and Jay blow him to take him in from Philly. They say The Rock has a secret boyfriend that lives with him at all times. Who would want to fucking blow The Rock? What a monster. Just a big.

No, I bet his balls and pecker are all dwindled down from the juice. He has a big Samoan uncut dick that's just disgusting. That's what you picture when you think of it. That's what I want to jerk off, yeah. That's not what it is, though. That's what it is. No, it's probably a very shriveled dentist penis.

He probably has the penis of a Jewish dentist from Long Island. I have a feeling the rock doesn't have a massive hog. He might not have genitals. Well, you know what? We always look up tits. Why don't we look up Rock's hog? I'm sure it's on the internet. Sure. Has he ever... Has he been linked to a girl ever?

Yeah, he was married. Married. And then he hooked up, he actually... With a guy. No. Married to a Simone woman, had a kid, and got divorced. They're still friends. She runs his... one of his companies. They're still friends. She runs his company.

She runs a company. Nothing shady about that. He got married to this... he's with this new girl right there. Yeah, that's her. She's pretty hot too. That's his new girlfriend. Adam's apple, weird.

Sick beard. Weird. That's her name, Adam's apple. Her hair is a huge, but. She does have big hands. Yeah. But yeah, he's one of the always, but why don't, Corey Holcomb says it, I will be honest, it just one of the always. But why don't, when Corey Holcomb says it,

I will be honest, it just sounds like anger of somebody who didn't make it in Hollywood, saying you have to do gay stuff. I mean, it's as silly a belief as Flat Earth, that everyone who is successful has had to do. He's like, there's no question at all. Brad Pitt had to blow guys to get where he's at. That's true, though. He's admitted that on stuff.

Has he really? Yeah. Well, it's also like, what do you mean by Hollywood? Like those old school movies is very possible that shit like that happened, but I think like, what is Hollywood now? Well, yeah, that's almost what I mean. You know, it's like, what even is Hollywood?

Yeah, that would suck to suck somebody's dick and you don't even get a TV show. You don't get anything now. Yeah, you get three part series. You don't get anything now. You get three part series. The people on White Lotus made no money. They made like 30 grand an episode. I mean, it's like there's nothing left.

I know. That's fucking, well, who knows. I feel bad for actors. I'd stop for one. You suck a dick and get a series and then it just gets canceled. Well, it's just funny now to just be like. Then you're just with your kids and wife and just know it. Yeah, and you're just like, I suck so many dicks,

I have no money. We still rent. Yeah. All I have is a consummately dry mouth. Still driving a four-door Honda Accord, and I sucked a lot of dicks. There's nothing worse than sucking a dick and then having to start a podcast because you can't work.

Could you imagine being those people, like, when you walk? Remember, like, they shamed Elvin from the Cosby show, because he was working at like a, a fucking Trader Joe's or something. And like a lot of former celebrities, Uber. The guy who was, he was friends with Christine, well our friend Brian Baldinger was friends with, what the fuck was his name, American Idol.

He was first season American Idol. Yeah. With Ryan Seacrest. It was the Dunkleman. Yeah, Dunkleman. Ryan Dunkleman? Comedian. Comedian. And then he was like, uh, show's stupid. When he's like left it, and then it's like he's driving Uber.

Yeah. Last they said. I remember the movie Once We Were Warriors. You ever see that movie? Of course. The sun, the middle sun in that, you know, the one who becomes the warrior. He was actually, I was in a,

me and my friend were taking one of those little rickshaw rides down the West Village in between sets of The Cellar. You got a slave in New York? He was, it was him. The guy from American Idol? It was the guy from Once We Were Warriors. No, the guy from Once We Were Warriors.

It was the kid, I go, hey dude, were you in the movie Once We Were Warriors? Yeah, mate. And Once We Were Warriors. It was the kid, I go, hey dude, were you in the movie Once We Were Warriors? He goes, yeah, mate. And I was like, it's like one of my favorite movies of all time, he's like, mate, thanks, mate. And we took him out to Manetta Tavern and got him drinks and a hamburger. And we hung out and, yeah.

Someone stole his Rickshaw? No. I don't think so. Yeah, there's Elvin working at fucking Trader Joe's. He's probably happy. No. Well, now with Trump, like, firing everybody, you're gonna be in an Uber, and you're gonna be like,

were you the head of the FBI? And guys are like, yeah, I was the head of the Central Intelligence Agency, he's delivering DoorDash. You're like, wow. We go back to Christine. He works at Trader Joe's in Jersey. Oh, you gotta tell me if you see Elvin.

Let me know so I can engineer quite my way into Trader Joe's in Jersey. Oh, you gotta tell me if you see Elvin Let me know so I can jimmy require my way Wasn't one of the Jacksons working at a little agalose Well, I mean that wouldn't be so crazy one of the Jacks. I mean anyone but your main they gotta have more money than they have to say if Tito or or Randy One of those two maybe but this also how are people? The guy stopped working in 1992. It's like, what do they think's going on? Yeah, the money does run out eventually.

Yeah, and it hurts, too, because you get those checks for 19 cents, and it comes, you see sag, you're like, maybe they sold it somewhere. But do you remember when we were talking? You know what I mean? You're like, fuck. We talked on Skanks about the TGIF lineup and everybody. Like, those people who were in, like, the show Step by Step, like, those kids, like, they're probably not enacting at all.

No. Anywhere at all. And the money from it, long gone. If they were smart, if you had money back then, if you were smart and you just, like, bought a piece of property or something like that In LA or in a place like New York You probably could have sold it down the road for enough of a profit to not work at Trader Joe's

Yeah, you think but probably that's Vinny Brand advice That's not a brand calls me later and goes, you know when you was he goes how when you started comedy of 19 And I was like probably 30, when you, he goes, how about when you started comedy? I was 19, and I was like probably 30 something when he said this, he goes, if you put $50 away in this kind of account every day, $50 a week away, you'd have five something million dollars right now. And you're like, okay.

That didn't really help me, because when I had. I hate those people. No, it's the- The what you should have? If we took, yeah, if I, when I started comedy, if I took that money and put it away and I'd be a millionaire right now. But you know what it is too,

is like a lot of these kids, their parents steal their money. Oh yeah. Oh, the, yeah. Yeah, that's the whole point. Aggressive, yeah. The whole point is so that you steal your kids' money. Well, we haven't gotten deep into it,

but they started that Netflix has the bad influence, the kidfluencers, like the dark side of the kidfluencers. I saw the beginning of it. You say I love the name though. But it was the first time I saw, we saw like the chink in the armor, like in the arguing. Hey. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Right there, I'm looking at you Paco. Paco's the chink in our armor. Was the two girls would hang out all the time, these two little girls and play or open up toys or whatever, make a bunch of money. And then the mom who was just like, oh, it's nice our daughters get to hang out together and they may have fun making little videos.

He said one day the mom was like oblivious. Marco from Eastville used to do this, but tell you how much money he made while he wasn't paying you for the gig. She was like, hey, you should start trying to monetize videos with your own daughter. She's like, why are they making money? She's like, yeah, lots.

And she's been taking just all of it herself while the other mom's like, wait, what? Isn't my daughter in these videos too? But it's just like, they're whoring their own daughters out. By the way, to, I have to assume the ratio of children watching kids open toys to pedophiles masturbating to that same video has to be I mean 15 to a hundred and you know what they probably say they're like pedophile their money's green like

It is what definitely a justification for it I was making a lot of money a little a lot of guys jerk off to max open it with cross gear What would the argument be that Max isn't aware of what's happening? Max is just over there showing how he can touch his toes better and better every day. Isn't it the most, don't they make the most money of all the YouTube people, the kids that review toys?

By far. Right, right. Is it really? They make the most money out of everyone on YouTube, except like maybe Mr. Beast. Supposedly they make like tens of millions, like something insane. I'm gonna give Max a half-mesh shirt

and have him start to open up some Pokemon cards. Max, get on all fours and open this with your mouth. It's hilarious. And it's still not working. You're talking to him, you're like, this isn't working. I'm gonna get Don to show a tit in the background. Ryan Kaji of Ryan's World owns substantial incomes, some estimating Forbes reporting

22 million and later twenty nine point five million per year That's that that is the pay of like the CEO of Goldman Sachs Do you know what I mean? Like pennies to Nate Bargatze? But not not as much as Nate but like pennies to Nate Bargatze that's to make 29 million dollars I'm gonna put a carnival pride. What is he getting? and he's to Nate Park. That's to make $29 million a year. He can't open up a carnival ride. What is he getting?

His own amusement park? His own amusement park. Yeah, it's happening. You should open up Tim Dillon land. What a great amusement park. But it's just rides with food. It's just people sitting in a really nice restaurant and they're just watching videos of 9-11.

I just recreate windows on the world. But you get to ride to the next restaurant. Yeah. And he, and. Can we do like a room that's like Tim's Land of Adventures and it's just him sitting in a chair? Yeah. Yeah.

Tim's Adventure Land. Is he making a theme, Nate's gonna have a theme park? He wants to. Yeah, he's gonna have Nate, Nate, Nateville. That's awesome. Nate Land? Nate Land. That's awesome.

I mean, you have to assume it's what it would be called. Nate Land. That's fun. It's crazy. That Nate land. That's awesome. You have to assume it's what it would be called. Nate land. That's fun. It's crazy. That's awesome. I wonder if we're going to get like, is he going to make us pay? Yes. You know what I mean? Are we going to get free? Really? Yes. Well, I'm going to bring my I'm going to bring my fucking diet Shasta can to what is this? Something like a shitty Southern drink, Tab Cola.

If you bring a Tab Cola can, you get in two for one. You know, they give us like a free day where he invites all of us? What's that? Laura will walk us in. She's the best. You'll definitely get free. She's awesome. Bargatzee's wife.

Yeah. We'd have to hook up with her. Sounds like a fun thing to do, come up with different rides. What ride would you come up with? Something that you wouldn't make. Well yeah, well do you, I mean. Something that would be stopped immediately. That idea you're having was with the guy, and maybe you have the kind of money to do this.

Yeah, no, I don't. See, a Nate Bargatze... Yeah. ...would open up an amusement park and really play by the regulations. It's gonna be a fun for all the family. Who wants it to be a family thing? Any of us are gonna throw in

on, like, an action park type thing. Oh, yeah. It's gonna be... I mean, the fact that action... I never went there as a kid. It was... I broke my ribs. It was out of my thing. It's gonna be, I mean the fact that action, I never went there as a kid. It was out of my range. It was skiing. But action park?

When I did the snow tubing, that video, you saw that video right? Where I came down and I flew past the barriers and went into the air and snapped my ribs. That's action park. Oh was that action park? That's supposedly there's a good documentary about action park. It's great, it's called Class Action Park. Oh, was that Action Park? I didn't know that was Action Park. Supposedly there's a good documentary about Action Park. It's great, it's called Class Action Park.

But I'd never been to the place, but the fact that one of the rides, the first one, his baby, was just a slide that has a loop in it. A loop for a human. Right, right. No track underneath you to keep you alive. And they eventually, when they realized when people would go up, if you didn't have enough momentum, Right. Right. Right. Right. Right.

No track underneath you to keep you alive. And they eventually, when they realized when people would go up, if you didn't have enough momentum, you would just go in the loop and just clunk down on the top of the loop and they'd be stuck. So his solution wasn't to scrap that, it's not going to work. He just had him build a hatch up there so they can go rescue people who don't make the loop. Yeah.

Like when you get in this ride. He didn't do physics. Yeah. He didn't do physics. He didn't understand that everybody's different weight and certain water has to put certain people in. No number on the amount of injuries, but I think at least a death per season. Jesus, look at this.

That was great. There it is. That's so great. But that's awesome. How'd you be in the first person to go- It's physically impossible. For us. People made it. Yeah, people made it person to go. It's physically impossible. For us. People made it.

Yeah, people made it. Look at this, a guy making it right now. I mean. I never left there without getting bloody. Bloody. Yeah, bloody. You got caught, especially when it was a concrete mountain. You got on like a.

I can't believe that was. I can't describe it, it was terrifying. Somehow allowed. Yeah, you just let your children, it's the latest term abortion. But then you just fucking, the latest term, you get 12 years old and you're like, I'm sick of this kid,

I'm gonna throw him through impossible rides. But they usually have like five people at the top making everybody wait and then looking down and then go and go. There's like one dude not even paying attention. It's just people. Also the pool, like the pool that everyone just kind of floated in was also the landing pad for a water slide that shot you out of the middle of a cliff, and then you'd go Korean guys on people.

There was people at the bottom. So if you weren't watching, a human being could just land on your head from deadly height. That's like those wave pools where there's like 3 million people in it and there's no room to even breathe. Like in China, you ever see that? Oh, that's terrifying. I did a water slide when I was younger that was like 90 degrees straight down. And I remember when I landed, when you come out and go on that long path, I was like, oh my God, I felt like so much water

shot up my ass to my eyeballs. And then I went in the wave pool, and I was like, I thought I had to fart. So I farted in the wave pool. And then I was like, oh no, I shit my pants. Oh god. But I reached down to, I was like, is that what just happened?

Because it didn't feel like shit necessarily. I was like, oh, I shit my pants. And then I reached back and felt, the force of that water ripped the lining out of my bathing suit and shoved it up my ass Inside my ass I shit my own lining of my bathing suit I thought there was no pool in the pool no just clod in poop But I can't believe that the force of that you shouldn't ride something where the water could impale you on your own

Fucking bathing suit lining. That's crazy But they have ones I think people do die on them impale you on your own fucking bathing suit lining. That's crazy. That's insane. But they have ones, I think people do die on them. They try to say like, it's like, nah, the way the wind and everything works, like you can almost go on a slide that like goes, like you're forward almost, because your back stays against the thing

and then people just inevitably always just fall forward and die. I love that this place had real rapids for the tubes. It looked so fun though. People said it was so fun. I was scared at the same time. That's nuts. Nothing was tested, everything was tested

by the first employees they ever got. And I mean like children. It'll be like if you were like, Paco, what do you think? Is this thing safe? And Paco went, Io went I guess. He was like the town teenagers that were there for summer jobs. There was the other thing there was a the like the rapid river the raging river where you get on the inner tubes like one corner of it was just too sharp. Did you see that? It was too sharp. They were flying.

They were flying in tubes in the air like evil can evil. Yeah, but that one, the tube like, whatever, the rapid river thing, there was a corner of it that just didn't work. Bottlenut. Yeah, so everybody, so that's what would just happen. Everyone would smash up in that, go back a little bit, they showed it for a second.

Everyone just smashes up into it, and it's like a pile up. It's before the look they're drinking huge things of beer This can shift it's going down dangerous rides with the I assume it that would be the it's what happened Your parents would get this was scary the concrete Yeah, I almost I thought I was gonna fly off of it. Concrete luge. Yeah. That one scared the hell out of me. Right here, look, yeah.

They only show up for a second, but everyone screams at each other. Look at this right here, watch this. Watch these people fly in the air on a, looks like a sled in water. That guy's a pervert. That fucking creep right here. The best thing ever is the line,

no one would give him insurance, so he created his own insurance company This is a great country. You know it was the guy meant well This is the guy wasn't a lunatic He was like I just want to make it a music program kids can come enjoy them So anybody also do the craziest things they never thought because you shouldn't that one you were sent forgot That's the most dangerous one. They have the one though It's a concrete luge so they put you in a thing where you like all concrete on either side and you sit on a skateboard essentially and they just

Fire down these things and use you're flying off and roll down car. They actually fire you down the mountain It's actually a ski resort in the winter and in the summer they would make it this thing They still do it this place is still there. Is it still there? It's still there. I think they still do a little deluge thing. It's completely closed down. Is it all gone? Completely closed down.

Was there one thing where it was like, this was the thing? Are you sure it's gone? I wonder. Look that up. I think they have a couple things, like the luge, but it's not... I think it's done. They have these things in, like, Kentucky now,

where it's like, they call it a mountain roller coaster, where it's attached to a track so you can go fast but you can't fly off it because back then it was just a piece of wood with wheels on it. You could just go down a mountain. And you would fly and have brakes but if you didn't apply the brakes you'd just shoot into the tree line. Yeah, this was, that's exactly what this was. It's not open. It closed in 96.

Oh, and then it was transformed in the Mountain Creek Water Park, which also closed the water park. And now it's a condominium development restaurant and parking for the ski resort. Because I believe when I got hurt, they asked, they gave me all this coupons to come back in the summer. That's that's always the winter to ski or do the water park thing. Yeah. I only use the free passes back when I would complain about talking black people in movie theaters.

They would always give you free tickets. What? If you go complain about the talking black people at a movie theater, they're not going to go stop them. It doesn't happen. They will give you free tickets. They don't do that where I live. No, they don't do that in any.

Let blacks in the movies? Yeah. Everything is corporate. If I went to complain about black people in the movie theater where I live, Oh, they don't do that in any way. Not where I live. Like blacks in the movies? Yeah. Everything is corporate. If I went to complain about black people in the movie theater where I live, they'd be like, you're lying. Well, I meant to say, I took Christine to Red Lobster yesterday. We made a big deal about that.

As I jimmy her quiet to my seat, Christine went from saying she thinks she hates Red Lobster because it made her sick to thinking now, I believe, that it's fine seafood dining. Really? She had a mahi-mahi. She was blown away. Here's the thing with Red Lobster.

You can't. Tim knows. You can't not enjoy it. Sure, I agree. You can't not enjoy a Red Lobster because there's something to me, when you're in Red Lobster, you go, we're all in it together.

You look at the gang member and his girlfriend who's underage and pregnant. You look at the elderly people who are about to die. You look at like a weird Ukrainian doing Medicare fraud, and everyone's just eating Walt's favorite shrimp. I had an Arabic baby, and I saw an Arabic baby yesterday. I was sitting there, and that family was enjoying themselves, too.

The baby was the only one who enjoyed me jami'ing acquiring them, I see. It's the only thing left that America has, really, is their shitty chain restaurants. When you go into like a Chili's, it's the only thing left that America has really is a shitty chain restaurants when you go into like a chili's it's really the last thing that any of us can relate to but love red lobster going there last night there is something about those I'm not Applebee's and Chili's it's not even like the I'm too good for it in any way it's just I never really like the stuff in there but the specified ones Outback Steakhouse

yeah I'm fine when I go it's because I wanted Outback Steakhouse. Not because I wanted a great steak. No, you don't want Mexican food, you want Taco Bell. Yeah, yes. I want the brown bread. Not like Texas Roadhouse. Texas Roadhouse. You get the cinnamon buns.

The cinnamon buns, yeah. And you get to pick your steak. And you think it's the steak in the window, but it's really not that. It's something, something very. They switched that out in the back, it's a trick. And I still think the king, and I'll die on this hill, I believe the king, and I believe you light up

when you're on the road and you know that there's one there, is a fucking mall cheesecake factory. A mall, I will die on this hill. A mall cheesecake factory would change your day. You're not gonna die on that hill because you have backup. I also. Actually, frankly, we're both gonna die on that hill.

Yeah, you're gonna both die in that mall having the turkey chili. I know my order. I got the Thai lettuce wraps for the table. And then I do what's called the Renee's special, which is half a chicken salad sandwich, which isn't a half, it's a whole. Right.

A salad and a soup. And that's consistent everywhere. Cheesecake factory is consistent. What's great about the Renée special is it's literally a full sandwich they call a half sandwich. They call it a half. It's two halves. It's two halves.

It's two. It's literally a full sandwich. Well, what do you get with a half? You get it in a soup or something? You get a cup of soup. Get a cup of cream. And you could choose Caesar's salad. Cup of cream? Yeah.

Or you could choose a salad, but let's be honest. No, no, no. It's both. Oh, it's both. What's special is a soup and salad. Now, Cheesecake Factory, I'll tell you, is it is a road haven. Yeah. Now offers every day one cream and one broth soup.

Yeah. They listened. When you're on the road. What about a Grand Lux? Same company. The sister of it, right? Here's my problem with the Grand Lux. I'll tell you exactly what my problem is.

Who the fuck do you think you are? I agree. I agree. You know what I mean? It's that. Grand Lux, oh is it? It's the same chairs. They try to be a little uppity.

The same chairs at Cheesecake Factory with just different designs in the hollow wood on the back of the seats. It is almost identical, and a little more expensive. They make you say something stupid. You're like, I guess I'll have the Moroccan steak skewer. It's like, what are we doing?

It's a little uppity, yeah. What about a P.F. Chang's? Always. Always, always, but I just think there's something about a cheesecake factory when you're on the road, and maybe you're at Columbus, Ohio, or something like that, and you end up in a mall with a cheesecake factory. Cincinnati at the funny bone out there,

cheesecake factory right across the street. A Wisconsin improv, a Milwaukee improv, you end up at Cheesecake Factory. That's not the worst night is it? Remember the night we were in Austin and we couldn't find one place to go We drove around for three hours looking for food one night and just screaming and cursing this horrible place He almost sold his house the next day. I was so mad In Austin we were in Austin there was nothing. Whenever I go late night Austin. I'm like, what should you get? It's it's peteris or they're like you could drive up out the airport for a really shitty taco. There's nothing. There's nothing I don't there's never been a place that is less of what people claim it is

Everything is wild. It's crazy. There's no rules. You're like, all right, can I eat after nine? They're like no You can't do that. You're like, okay Yeah, I can't watch it 15 girls with their asses and snatches hanging out fist fighting on the street. They're like, we respect the law here. I'm like, I just walked through a 15-person brawl that was broken up by a horse. A horse cop?

A horse cop. But I'll tell you what else it has. I saw five guys throw bowie knives at an old bank. They had the boards on the window. And they just pulled off a broad daylight and threw big bowie knives and stuck them in, pulled them out, and then took off, and nobody said anything.

It's just Wallace. That city is not at all... Everyone... And when I'm on the road, I feel like it's the place most when, uh, if I meet a young comic, they're like, I think I'm doing it, I'm making the move to Austin, like, in a couple months, and you're like, to perform where? Well, they don't go to LA anymore

LA is not a choice to everybody's going to either New York or Austin Yeah, I think LA is still a nice place to live. I was gonna say I still think it's a much better I think LA is a better choice by far. Well, here's the absolute cheaper cheaper whether we have a money money money money You moved to Austin as a comic LA you're gonna fucking, you're gonna fuckin' live in a shithole for a long time. If you're gonna live in LA, you have to have, you gotta work at those clubs, which are great clubs. They're fun clubs.

And you gotta live somewhere in the vicinity of that so you don't spend your entire life on a highway. This might be bold, and Jacob, you're gonna love this. I'd rather, if I was going for the money, because I think it's a similar money thing, Florida or Texas, I think I'd go Florida. Florida, 1,000, there's no question. 20 million percent I would go to Florida.

So no question. I would get a beautiful condo on the beach, not have to take care of anything, have a gym, everything right there, maybe a little walking path. The thing about Florida is no one's really, no one cares about anything. Even my crazy political friends of Florida that you think are really political,

like halfway through a point, they'll go, what? Like there's no one can't care that much. I go to an A.A. meeting on the beach with a bunch of old fucks. You just sit there and eat fish dip. Yeah. It's so great. It's like you're like fish is good. Just get a gun. But if you put it in a thing with cream cheese and just eat it like a monster,

at three p.m., you just start smoking cigarettes in Florida, you go, why not? I quit smoking cigarettes. You just start smoking cigs in Florida. I rolled them up in my sleeve. Oh, it's great. It really is, but you have to, even if you live there,

you have to feel like you're an observer. You can't go native down there. No. What do you mean? You have to feel like you're an observer. You can't go native down there. No. What do you mean? You have to always be acknowledging that you are in a place full of human rat people. You gotta go like, I'm doing a thing. I'm not this.

You can't be them. No, you can't be them. You can't go, woo! I don't know where that Southern charm stops right at the fucking southern border of Georgia or something, but it is not that... I haven't seen... I haven't seen, I haven't seen the Florida people we're talking about yet

where they go, there's a southern part of it, you have to go landlocked, but anywhere I ever go is a place of just the trashiest transplant pieces of garbage, and the people that are from there, even worse. Yeah. You're Captain Brian's, for instance. Yeah, where they're like, yeah, Florida,

they think they're Florida royalty, where they're just a T-shirt with a pocket and a suit jacket. Yeah. Yeah. Mike Caltow, though, is royalty. Yeah. Of Florida. But he's still Staten Island scum.

Yeah. He's still just a guinea from Staten Island. I think everybody who's lived in the East, like the Northeast, even when they go down to Florida, they still, they don't consider it their home. No. No. They're still. It's like our friend Michelle does.

Michelle's mentally unwell. Yeah, she is mentally unwell. But that is a place where you go and it goes, I'm really gonna, I'm gonna put roots in Florida. It's trashy. Michelle is going to an eight hour lecture with the lead exorcist of the Catholic Church. This woman has gone so completely insane.

I love her. I love her too. I mean, that's why. But she's gone nuts. I mean, there's an exorcist at the Catholic Church, like the head one, and she's going to see him speak for eight hours. Where?

In some, somewhere, I don't know. I don't know. Is he giving an ex, I mean, does he do? I hope he does something in eight hours. Somebody better float. Yeah. Or throw up. You better have somebody throw up or something.

Some David Blaine ass. I need somebody to fucking levitate. Michelle's our friend. She's the one who did Howl the Musical many years ago. Oh, yeah. Our friend Michelle. I'm so sad I didn't see that. Yeah.

It was a big mess. Such a weird thing. Were you in it? You missed out, yes. I was in it because Kevin Farley was away. Yeah. And I took his place. I got in it because Kevin Farley was away. Yeah. And I took his place. I got it, that makes sense.

What'd you say? I just didn't play the host. I was just the host. I was just the host. But poor Kevin Farley, he never memorized any of his lines. That was one of my favorite impressions. He would come and they had them all written down for him, basically in different parts that he could grab the things.

And he would say the words, oh, yeah, as his buffer for everything. He'd be like, comedy isn't just in the comedy clubs. Oh, yeah. It's, uh... It's out there all around us, living it every day. And you know, another thing, uh... Oh, yeah.

Yeah. Uh... Uh... The one time there was a line in did, there was a line in it, there was a line in it that said, um, it was talking about Lenny Bruce, like the people who started comedy, or the legends. And it was about Lenny Bruce, and he goes,

uh, the line was, not until a drug addicted Jew, or a heroin addicted Jew from Brooklyn said blah, blah, blah. And on a matinee, we did one matinee show when Kevin was doing it. And that was the show that David Spade and David Tell came to watch together. Wow.

And Soder also sat right in front of them while they were. And Kevin Farley was nervous. He was very nervous this whole thing. And I don't think he knows a tell enough to get like what it tells humor is there It's a light audience to matinee and when when Kevin Farley goes and then a heroin addicted Jew from Brooklyn and a tell Just goes easy Which was so funny and in the back it frazzled Kevin he was like he's like and he was yelling at Michelle

He's like I told you that line was no good now David Tell's mad as I'm making chew jokes but you really should have come see yeah I really wouldn't direct it she would go like you would ask her what to do and she'd go do it feels good do it feels right yeah but we don't understand look at that theater Queen Lewis in the back where he really wants to go my god absolutely he does not want to be the rattlesnake, he wants to be theater queen, he wants to be off-Broadway singing musical. What year was this?

2014. Wow. I mean, Louis, if society would allow it, Louis would constantly have his leg up on a bar in front of a mirror doing bar work. Do you think Louis mouths James's, when James is doing a play, he mouths the lines? Absolutely, he does.

We worked on this, buddy. Was this ever filmed? Is there anything now? We might have one, the unrehearsed one from Skankfest, from The Creek. Why have we not heard it? I mean, it just had a couple runs. It had a run at the Triad Theater,

and then we did it at Skankfest, I think, once or twice, some of the songs. Some of the songs. Do you remember the songs? I remember my song. What's your song? Crowd Work. How's it go?

I do crowd work. It might not look like hard work. But it did, I don't remember the lyrics. Conversational maniac. Somebody does. Yeah. It would catch you. Apparently she's just an age mom.

Some of them are catching. I go crowd. Apparently she's just stage mom. Some of them were catchy. I go crowd work, comedy is something in disguise. And then I would stop doing comedy and then I would do crowd work. Why don't you open up your special with us? And then I would two, three, four, and then I would do my little cane dancing and dancing around, it was lovely.

And then Michelle would just sit in the back and laugh and clap and she had no idea what was going on. She was clueless. I would love to see it. She was just drunk. She's my favorite person in the world because she lives she puts Somehow full-time effort into what I can only describe as passion projects and ideas I don't in between she'll be like I just got a major job writing on a major TV show They're giving me a ton of money and And then that's like, that play sucked. I'm gonna go back and do a thing about, you know, what if Anne Frank was a gay black guy?

Dude, we went... We, me and Lewis went to the opening night. She was doing a play about this drag queen who was also a psychic medium who was terrible at it. I mean... Terrible. He would always get it wrong. I was terrible at not being dragged, but at the psychic part. No, in the psychic part, in the middle of the show.

And Jay knows this, but, like, it was crazy. Buddy, this was one of my favorite... Me and Josh Edemayers went to one of the nights there. And we were like... Because he does. We think we found out his schtick is to go check Facebook. Someone we know who was like, the stuff that he said was stuff that I'd posted on Facebook was like it was too verbatim Something I posted on Facebook. So that's what it is. They're getting people's name and it's is even Michelle knows it was like

Oh, it's just like any televangelist or something. It's magically you have to write your full name and address down the thing. So someone in the back is going Margaret Wilson you getting a Margaret Wilson's so He was doing last up, but he had these songs in between vicious. So me and Josh were doing, he goes, well, I got no strings to hold me down, to hold me down, to hold me down.

Miss, you had a son who killed himself, correct? Yes, he goes goes he misses you terribly and he wants you to know that it was mostly a mistake he wishes he didn't do it five six seven eight I got nose-dreams he has to go back into these like fucking bubbly songs and it's the story's like I was beaten into being gay and psychic when I was a child and then then she had her son, Leo had to play the beaten gay kid. I love her. She can do no wrong for me. She's been working, since we stopped doing Holly Musical, she's been working on a play about plastic surgery and it's always about

to come out. It's always about to come out. She's coming out, but I'm the doctor's yeah Yeah, she's working with the doctors and but she gets in there. She knows what she's doing. She belongs to every Soho house She has an Emmy that she uses as an earrings holder in her room. She doesn't give a shit. Yeah, where is she now? Florida Florida back and forth Florida and a little island off Fort Myers. Oh my god destroyed by her cakes Except her house. Except her house? She's also a woman who goes to mass every day. 100% day she goes to.

God, that's friends like a nun. Like an old nun. Oh yeah, like wildly Catholic. And I send Isabella to her with reckless abandon. She got in a crazy car accident. Somebody T-boned her. Seven people died except her. Oh, she goesboned her. Seven people died except her. She goes to church every day.

Everyone died except her. Everyone died but her. Two hurricanes in this island. Her house survives both. The only house that survives both. Then she's in a car accident. Is it in the shape of a cross? There's Jesus on a cross at one of her houses.

Oh, yeah. Up in Hudson, she bought, in Mexico, a full-size Jesus on a cross. It's her houses. Oh yeah, up in Hudson she bought in Mexico a full-size Jesus on a cross. It's menacing to say the least. It's looking down on you and it's bloody and it's upset with the decisions you've made. I want one of those. I know you do.

What was I just saying though about it? It's a car accident. Oh yeah, a car accident. She was in a major car accident where people died. She's the only survivor of this accident. But she was shot out of the car door the thing imploded door flies open she gets it lands on her feet goes up to another car and goes am i a ghost she thought she got fucking patrick swaysied out of her body

unharmed Unharmed. Wait a minute, do you see me? She shot in the car and landed on her feet. Yes. And then walked up to a car. Where she came in her feet and hit a car, you know, on her body, like went up to the car. I was like, am I a ghost?

A glass fell out of her mouth? Yes, she had to spit out glass. She said, are you seeing me? Am I real? Am I real? Yeah. That's awesome. And then two days later, like three days later,

got on a flight to New York to do this bullshit thing. That's insane. To do this play? To do this bullshit play. To do this play? She was like, PTSD. Wow. She goes, oh, it's no big, I just don't drive

on highways ever again. Okay, am I alive? She somehow snuck into the Trump victory party. And she's like FaceTiming me. She's like, Ed Morologo dancing at the convention. I'm like, how did you get it? She got in somehow. And by the way, she's also during all this wearing yoga

pants and a button down shirt. Is she rich? I think? We don't know. She could be filthy rich. Or there's an outside shot. She has zero money at all whatsoever. None of us know, it's actually fascinating.

It's fascinating. So she could be loaded on nothing. It's, she could be, she's one of those people, she has like a $50,000 bag, but also takes flights where it's cheaper because you're jumping off on a layover, but you can never check your bags ever. She'll take the shittiest flights with a zillion connections that doesn't bother but like when she wants somebody so I don't know

It's one of those things she's like she weirdly will be it like, you know staying at the nicest hotel in New York But then she'll use a travel app that no one's heard of because primarily in the third world She's like, yeah, I'm using Luna So no one knows shit Tim Dylan always a pleasure to have you with us this special congratulations I'm your mother streaming right now check out that promo check out the special on Netflix absolutely hilarious everyone I'll be at Moon Tower this weekend Bobby's gonna be in Austin as well yeah doing the mothership, but don't worry tickets are sold second half of my special coming out Sunday Sunday night Sunday night We're gonna premiere it at Moon Tower Bobby's gonna be the moderator for the Q&A no on Saturday

Saturday not Sunday Sunday comes out Sunday Saturday. We're premiering it. I can't wait for that's gonna be fun We'll figure it all out Timmy great to see you my man Thank you brother appreciate it. Good to see you brother You guys enjoy tomorrow's pre-record and we will catch you Monday