The Bonfire with Big Jay Oakerson and Robert Kelly - Just a Joke (w/ Reggie Conquest & Andy Fiori)

Episode Date: July 19, 2020

Comedian Reggie Conquest describes what it was like filming his sex scenes on HBO’s Insecure. Andy Fiori joins Dan and Jay as they reveal their sizzling secrets for sex talk. DJ Lou shows off his new Eddie Vedder coffee mug Jay and Dan wondered if it was more than just a cup. After learning that Johnny Depp lost a staggering $650 million in movie earning Dan and Jay imagined the tough calls he had to make to his unique staff & Jacob is not amused at Amber Heard’s poop “practical joke” at all.

You're listening to Comedy Central! Hey, I'm Big J. Opersoon, and I'm Dan Soder, and you're listening to the best of the Bond Fire. Stay tuned to hear some of our favorite moments from this week. You can listen to the Bond Fire live every Monday through Thursday from 6th 8PM on Comedy Central Radio, Series XM95, or on demand on the Series XMF. Also, be sure to follow us on all social media at the bonfire, SXM. Hey campers, it's your boy, Black Tiger, Black Lou, and welcome to the bonfire's best of the week.

First up, comedian Reggie Conquest was our guest and described in detail what it was like filming his sex scenes on HBO's insecure with a show star, Esa Rae, lucky son of a bitch. You do speak in a fucking bearing off for the world, Reggie. Please, I've got to zillion one questions about you doing. I know it wasn't new necessarily to like full frontal shoot on TV, but I got so many fucking questions about doing that scene and, uh, in insecure, that was which is fucking. Talk about. Talk about it.

It's all of course, but you were Softcore, it needed it. Softcore. But you were Reggie's on this season of HBO's insecure. Dude, you made the AZ, the AZnew.com fucking thing. Oh, it was new. They're also, Reggie described your scene as Reggie Conquest, but shirtless scene. This is for gay guys. Oh, man, the gay guys love me on Twitter. It was pretty good.

It was kind of nice. I'll be honest, isn't it still sort of, it's flattering though. It's flattering. You're reading it, you're like, oh, okay. What's this dude? When I'm just like, I can tell this guy's packing a U-Haul. I'm like, oh, these guys are going to have to reach shit. Shit. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Yeah. A reed like what are you talking about?

What did they do with your dick in the scene? They like, they like tape it down like my whole everything's out and it's like this little ass string clear string and like my fat just covers it anyway. And then they just tape, they give me like this foam cup, brown cup that the compunction of my skin and just like taped it down to like the middle of in between my ass and balls. So somebody in the robe or something had to see your dip? Yeah. Yeah. Weird. It was weird at the moment. That moment, like was there a fitting? Was there something like where you have to go in a wardrobe and they're like,

all right, please? And you just like come out naked Were you holding your dick? I was saying I was said miss never is shit hold on my dick like okay But you're doing Hollywood talk because it's with the costume ladies I got to I got to draw accidentally on the head of my dip and it fucking burned like pretty bad And I was on the road and I was like I got to get this look there I guess might be a fucking problem and I went to an urgent care center and I was sitting that back and they just sent a woman and I was like And it's like immediately all you start doing is going

Come on come on just like up a little bit. So I don't look at ass over Come on, come on, just like, you fuck a little bit. So I don't want to get ass over front of the girl. You know what? I was nervous. It just keeps retracting and going way further away. I can't talk it up when it's nervous. I was so nervous that first thing with my damn, this sex, it was a sex coordinated that comes in

and helps you put it on. And I'm like, man, then she walked in. There was this little white girl. I was like, wow, whatever. I'm good. I was just hoping it wasn't like this like hot black tick that was just like, yeah, I was like, I was just, I'm't like this like hot black tick So I'm gonna say I'm a size queen

Let me see She's gonna know I'm gonna see her and a fucking cookout The little white girl came in I was like, huh, whatever I'm showing my day Yeah, I wait. Wait, should you pull your dick out where he goes, oh, man, take a look at this. And she goes, I'm actually just here to check if you have every snatch you need. Oh, shit. I'm going to pick up your contract. I think this might be a cancelable.

Thanks. I can't miss you. Want anything for lunch? I think I just got Louis C. Cade. Yeah, you didn't want it like a beautiful black woman walking in rubbing her hands going going to see some big day. Fuck, please go, please. Do you try to just keep eyes forward and pull it out or do you, do you pull it out with

a little like confidence of like, eh? I, I, I pulled it out with a little confidence. You got to pull it out with confidence. No matter what the tape was so it was like, it was like, it felt like scouts tape. And I didn't shave or anything. It was just like, oh, they got to get it down there because they can't possibly like, like, cut sticks fall now. So Reggie, once you get set up with the costume coordinator, right? and everything and the sex this the sex coordinator and then the Costuming and they got the tape on you and you show up to the set right?

Give you this I felt like I was but as naked to get this is real furry robe. So I felt like Rick Ross walking the set Fucking gold chain on and it is a really comfortable role. You're walking, you're walking to set and you're like, oh, what's up? Like, Ollie, people are out and you're slipping in a row. You know, you're slipping in a row. You're having a conversation with other people for a while before you film while your dick is just covering David. What's up, man?

He goes, we're actually through some pretty connected it right where a little head sketch warm Yeah, I'll be over here. Are there because do you have the Cheetos mix? The road the road was so fucking salt and it was brand so I look like a fucking teddy bear She looks at the brand you gonna get the brand on things like that You don't set in the scene a lot of sex scenes in shows, it's like, you know, like a light press and like a hold and like a slight rub. You had like a fucking like, you had like, you're the like actually fake fuck. Oh, the fucking fun.

Like when they said action, you could not tell me I was not fucking. That's fucking great. It really is. First of all, she's hot. it like when they said action you could not tell me I was not fucking. That's fucking great. It really is. First of all, she's hot. How did you avoid or do I mean, you had to puff up a little bit by the pure action? I puffed up only during rehearsal. When we were in full clothes. Yeah. I was puffed up. I was like, oh shit. The only time I've ever puffed up, there's been two times I've puffed up. I was like, hold on. The only time I've ever puffed up, there's been two times I've puffed up. When I did that movie where I had to sit behind that girl, my, you know, that girl, Kristen,

that played my girlfriend in the movie and I reached under and grabbed her boobs in the scene. And he told me she was like, you reach under there and grab them, I'm like, yeah, that's crazy. And she goes, she goes, she's like, look back. And it was the confirmation of like, grab them.

And I was like, I sort of puffed up the head I was like alright let's fucking do this The other time was when me and you saw each other for the first time on camera after a warm break Yeah, that was the other time I puffed up. That's exactly how I was like, ESA was just like, what the fuck? Let's go, like do it. And I was like, oh, okay. Like, yeah, that's gonna be what was she wearing? What do you mean? In the rehearsal or she was wearing...

Oh, the scene. Oh, she had like these, oh man, she was covered up. Her progress was covered up, but she had like the brown thing, like everything matched her skin tone. She was so beautiful man. Yeah, that's gotta be weird when you're naked and then your coat starts to take off her robe and you go, oh shit man, this is awesome. Yeah, you gotta be close to worst part.

It's taking off like you don't even look really like she's over here and you stop back and you're not like you wouldn't normally look that way anyway. You go, what are sag dudes do by anyways? Close set so it was just me and her like I had to like I was like trying to start Convo, but she's like but naked reading scripts that she's already that she has other stuff working for and other scene and I'm sitting there playing candy crush like Yeah, it's the hot piece of ass She's sitting there working and I'm like trying to be on my phone, like trying to do something.

Then we start talking after a while. So it was cool. How many takes was that? How long did the whole thing take? I'll do it. It was all day. And it was too sexy. So it was like one episode and another.

So it was like, we would together all day doing those sex scenes. Did that. So you guys did both scenes in one day? No, no, no. We did one one day and then a whole other scene and then another sex scene like so by the second sex scene Are you walking into that one you know what's gonna happen? You know how you're gonna be taped up Do you were you thinking about how you're gonna fucking present your fucking your stroke to the world? By the second one I could

The second one, but you're like, now I can change my mind. I can change my mind. I was the second one I was confident. The first one, I didn't even wear any deodorant, or anything, because I'm like, in my mind, I'm like, well, you know, I don't want easy to think. I'm like coming on to her, like, so I'm like, let me not wear deodorant, let me not wear, but it was the worst I did. That's a insane thought process, right?

I don't know, I'm like, if I put on my regular like This guy's working the this guy's working the other and he must want to fuck me Crazy She's gonna smell that you're all natural Savage I'm a white. She's gonna smell that you're all natural. I'm gonna say, I'm savage. I don't wear any deodorant because I don't want to, she might be allergic. She might think I'm trying to be like smooth. Why?

I thought that, but I went there raw, and I started sweating. And I even had to tell the director like, dude, I need some deodorant. So you had to start to see and go find me some deodorant immediately I feel like a jackass I was like did you say that she had she she rolled over to something she was I hope it isn't I'm just gonna fuck him because he's putting on the other

great the weird covers that you're having while you're putting on the deodorant where you go so that's he was good yeah yeah that was good the second the second sex scene I went in there full the order, my little pillow, Steve, what's that? Dude, you said grab in the wall and so are doing different thrusts. You're like, is this what rocks your body? He's like, director, I made some creative choices on this, but I was gonna throw a little like, like, like, lump shoulder into it.

It's like that scene in Boogie Nights where where it goes and I think then we can go from Doggy style and I flip it over. I'm gonna put the flip up. I'm gonna put the flip up so you can really get a couple of my toe in her mouth. I'm giving her a proven leg lock and how that's gonna have to set up is she's gonna be on her side. I'm gonna come in here. I'm in there now I'm in her. This is me and her. I'm your method. I go method acting all the whole way. That's fucking a you were you nervous to see the scenes because you know, you know, you film a bunch of scenes and then you're like, some of them you forget, but I don't feel like you forget sex scenes. Yeah, you know, I when they made me do the sound shit, they made me go to the booths because you know, I'm like, I'm like, ah, they're gonna cut me out.

It's no way I'm making it. I'm the whole thing. When you get the ADR call, you're like, oh, they're putting me in the fucking show. Yeah, so I see it. You get to make out with her and show you, yeah? It's okay. No, we didn't get the, we didn't make out.

No? I wanted to. It was just a fat guy sexy, like, just going. Yeah, just like that. Hey, Jay, you just go, I'll just go. I'm just going. Hey, you just go, I'm just going. He already's clinging. I'm too fat to have either any of my face holes covered so I can't kiss. We can kiss and I can peed her out in about two minutes because I have no air or we can

not kiss. I can fuck for a while. Oh yeah, it was all these stink pieces on my body. Like I was reading shit. And... Okay. Jay, are you like this with you? Like when you went swimming, did you take your shirt off all the time?

I always did, but it was only because I knew from other fat kids that drew more attention with the shirt. Better just go about, I'll say what I wouldn't do hanging a lot in. Above neck, length length water. I always cover up in the pool still this day. I stay pretty deep in the pool. I was looking at my tiptoes. I was a shirt in the pool fat kid. I'll take my shirt off in the heartbeat now. Yeah, and you never wanted to ever. Never I've never

with that fat dude that like take the shirt off No, I'm still I would see fatter dudes like at parties or at pool parties with the shirt off Hey, it's black lu again the bonfire welcomed Andy Fury back to the show and Dan and Jay revealed their sizzling secrets for sex talk DJ Lou you've definitely whacked off with somebody over video. Dude, I've done it. It is hilarious. When you finish, you're like, wow. So, it has to be the worst. That just outdo, and you were just like, I look like a food. You're always a different person after you sling web.

But when you do it, and the fuck in it, that's rough. That's rough. That's a rough go. I feel so sick sometimes. I was always kinda like twice in both times. The second time I was more mad at myself because I was like, you knew this was gonna be the ending. You knew this was gonna be the ending.

You knew this was gonna happen. It was gonna feel the first time I was on the run. I was just in a hotel, I was there in Cisco. I was just like, patched off, and he was like, eh. Dan, is Eric come down of like, you can't be going, ah, you go, ah, so,

so funny as you're doing the cleanup, you're doing the cleanup, but you're still on cameras, you're like, so, I got a 730 show. I'll get it. Yeah. They say what they're gonna have for the show like what? Right?

It's all over me. Jesus Christ. Anyways. On video, I mean, audio's one thing. Videos, real harder cover from's real hard to cover from. Video's real hard to pull yourself. Audio would be just the same. Did I use to fucking beat with my ex-check, though, on just phone, like a lot, when we were

younger? And man, it is just stupid. You used to have phone sex? Yeah, here's the funniest thing. What's great. I think I may have said this before. So, you know, she used to send me videos of her playing with herself before.

This is back in like super eight tapes. Yeah, wow, that's a lot of production. Yeah, yeah, well, I had to have... I had to have an adapter tape. You had the mini tape that you put in the big tape? Yes, that's exactly what it was. She would make the little tapes. And one of them, I'm on the phone with her

while she's making the video. I know what I'm saying on the phone. I knew always it's like something I was like, are you doing this? And she's like, yeah. And what's funny is not only is she nothing like what I said, I think I was like, I was going like, why don't you put a finger in your butt?

Are you fingering your ass right now? And she was like, yeah. And what is like funny when she says that that it's like she digs it. Which is actually doing what she just dug in her pus. And then while she's saying, yeah, she's like looking at something. Like she is like a hair or something that she was like, but like she just saw something gross on her fingers. And she wasn't a finger.

And she was just like not doing it, but lying. So like that's pretty much the nature of what phone sex is. Like, you know, especially I have to assume now, if you're doing on speaker phone, something comes across your phone, like you are joking off. Yeah. Yeah. And then it's like, you're like, yeah, I guess, you're going to be down to meet you in 25 minutes. You know, like, you're still going. And you're still going, the thought that Lewis makes the thought that Lewis makes out with the air wall masturbating to this day makes me laugh. I don't think I don't think you found a friend in the world on that on skanks when he said,

I don't think he found the friend in the world. I won't point him as asking all of our guests. Like have you ever made out with the air while you're jerked? And I think it was a hundred percent. No, man, I was, I don't know. I'll tell you, lonely group was the dry hump boys. All of us that were that were dry hump into completion until, until we learned about the handpiece, we're a fucking small number.

Never even struck you that the hand was there to do it. Dude didn't care. Just wanted to plow that couch. Yeah. Yeah. Take out that. I actually put out that clip recently on my social media. Oh, I see all that on Mickey's show. Yeah, where I was like, yeah, I used to fucking just go to work on that couch at my dad's house. See, my grandmother, my grandmother, my stepmother, for that alone, should not like me.

Dude, there was a set of Ninja Turtle sheets that just caught the business for about three years. Who's your favorite? Who'd you really give the fucking rub to? It matter that they're all in different blocks on the bed. And it was like 80s bed sheets. So each block was like a different Ninja Turtle. So sometimes Leo would catch you sometimes, not a tello. Raphael was in a rough area and one part of the bed. Oh, really? See, I say, I thought Raphael just for his use of the size and the dexterous would be a wonderful lover. I would say Michael Angelo can't tell the fluttering of those hands.

Some newtons, chucks. But Fiori, we you dropped out there. We were talking about dating apps and you doing video dates. Have you done? You also what's weird is with this camera angle and your haircut and beard you look like a COVID expert that's communicating about like how hard the front line is. Yeah, I'm really gonna be a spike. We've got a batches for the second wave. I mean this lifeless room. I mean, this lifeless room. We're asking from John's Hopkins in Baltimore, it's from Kaiser Permanente. We were asking, you dipped out conveniently when we were saying that you,

I think that you tried out, did you guys mutually masturbate? Oh, yeah, I forgot. I'm in that. You got there. You got this. It's a monoptic pound. It ended in the status way possible. Did you try that? Did you guys mutually masturbate? Yeah, I'm an out there. I'm a optic pound. It ended in the saddest way possible.

We started zoomed in. We just started hanging on the zoom, just basically talking and chatting. And we both realized that we would not be a good fit. Really? I was going to say. So I had a great time tonight. She is. Oh, sorry. I'm sorry. She has to do the Lena with J, which I'm sorry. I don't feel the same. I'm doing you the head turn.

They'll do it. Let me go for the kiss. You do the head. So I really I see my misunderstood. I misunderstood totally if you could probably go just out of good time tonight. I go, are we doing this? I come ahead We're gonna get nuts. Let me shimmy this off. No, I'm not gonna. You start doing like you grab it her shirt. Just fake you go Let me take a look at what's doing

Oh, that is nice. I go do you want me to you want to watch me pop? You want to watch me pop? that is nice. Do you want me to, you want to watch me pop? You want to watch me pop? Sure enough, I go, can't take it off because the phone's broken. You want to watch me pop? Do you want to see the pop? You want to hear me pop? You want to watch it?

You want to watch it? You want to watch the fountain show? Oh man, it's so happy. If anybody ever released, I guess you're worst bedroom shit talk, but I mean, just like, they think I'm not knowing you're being reported. Bedroom shit talk is. Oh my God. The bum right on trademark it.

It would be the best revenge poem without showing anything dirty. That's the way you can get me to kill myself. Is if you trapped me in a room with just an audio of that playing, he just come into a splattered wall. Let's take guesses. What do you think it is, man? What do you guys think so to respect sexually? It's really been like, what the fuck? By the way, because of the show, it's fucked up my sexual talk.

When I said, I fucking love it. You ever asked if you shut down a fucking little bit? Are you when I said I fucking love it Are you an asker if you love it? Yeah, yes, yeah, of course I'm a check-in shit talk, right? I like to feel good Yeah, complimentary You got you got a home. Yeah, that's what you got to do. You gotta be like is that how does that feel? You got you got show home. Yeah, that's what you got to do. You gotta be like is that a has that feel? I never ask what I make stay I go I go you feel really good you feel so good. Oh

That's So good this classic dude that's classic. I'm dude. I'm admitted very shy in the bedroom That is the did you cook this yourself of eating at someone's house? Of course you're gonna ask that someone's house, of course you're gonna ask that. Yeah, I can't do something like that. Someone like shit, I can't do a mountain of it. Like it's just, it's such, it becomes such character. Yeah. Oh, no, but I can talk shit, I can talk shit,

but it has to be like as genuine as like close to as I am. It can't be a real like immersion. Like, you know, that's so hot. So fucking hot right there. I think I can get there. I think I can get there. I think I can get there. I'm going to lie. I can get there.

That one that I wrote the joke about in my special about, oh, boy, we got a talker. Yeah. That girl, that girl we were hammered and I was talking to you. We were like, fucking, and I started talking to her. And she said that out loud. And it was like for the rest of the sex, I was a quadriplegic, like the way you heard me breathe. Like I was just like,

that's it. That's it. That's it. Such fucking as an action is a pretty big break from reality. But it's an action. It's the most primal thing you do. But the talking through, like the thing is like when the action is over, and you have to just face the music of yourself

and what you've just done and said is just so goddamn, I mean, I always think it's funny when you hear stuff I got about, whether it be a friend or an acquaintance even, it's like, you know, someone's so, like, asks right away for like three fingers in his butt. You know, like, you're like, you're like, yeah,

like, never see whatever person, and he asks for it like? Oh, wow. Yeah, like, let me see whatever person I want to be. He asked for it like quick and aggressive. Yeah, I would say the most embarrassing thing is if he's like, oh yeah, real chatty, Kathy. I'd be like, that's true. But it just went around and goes, Sotars really into like, dig this. He gets on all fours and I pull his pecker behind his body. No. Suck his dick like that. You'd No, suckers, dick like that.

You'd be like, please stop selling people. If they were like, if you found out the thing where they're like, Jay loves to have his nipples sucked while you softly pull on his balls. That's weird. That's good. It's funny, it's those two particular things that I really don't like. You're gonna get my balls. I have to know your hand is there. If my balls, you're gonna catch a knee to the face.

If you're giving this and you're sucking my nips up, I'm gonna do it like a weird, like a jerk move. It's gonna fucking, I'm gonna double hit you. I'm gonna feel terrible about that. I'm also not in the pain, so I definitely don't want my balls like fucking like a, marred, but it's like, you either have to put, you have to apply the pressure that if they're being held, or stucked, or leave them alone,

because of grazing, nice, just fingertips. Especially if I have like a little stubble, because it's like a shave day, and you're fucking, and you get that, I'm gonna tell you the tickle is gonna make me, I'm gonna clap your fucking ears and I'm gonna hurt you. You're about to catch a fucking horse kick I'm gonna say the tickle is gonna make me I'm gonna clap your fucking ears You're about to get your fucking horse kick to the stomach if you're Terrible I'm gonna feel terrible about it. Dude, what's so funny is watching women

Learn how ticklish ballsacks are because they're just like what is it? They're always like so amused by it. They're like, I mean, like fucking stop. Stop it. That's too much. And they're like, I look at what they do. I was like, I mean, one time I, I was so sensitive. Like I had some, you know, my girl was kind enough to do some ball workout. And then I went like this.

He. He. That the grandpa wall behind the bed. So much. I do the thought you grabbed a bear wall just to grab something that squeal though. Tee-hee! It's no secret that DJ Lou is a massive Pearl Jam fan. He's flown all over the world to see them perform. Live. But when Lou beamed at his new Eddie Vetter coffee mug, Jay and Dan wondered if it was more than just a cup.

It is the bonfire. We are feeling vetted up because DJ Lou is drinking out of his tall boy mug Yeah, sleeve a short sleeve button down. Mmm, man. That is dad-ish to say the least Eddie veteran everybody is it is birthday or something? Can we give us some shout to them? That you know you don't have to look it up. You know is birthday. Lou don't know how you're looking it up You know is birthday December 23rd You send him an e-card every year and it's also my anniversary with my girl And I just made it that day because I knew I could celebrate two things on the same day

Yeah, two Birds one look at you buddy. I think Christina have it all one day to birthday around aversory in the day we port Are we picking on veteran too much? I'm sorry. He looks fine. It's shirt Geez Louise It is although I say my my T mug is Lana Richie, so But it's not a lot. It's not a life-sized poster and mine sort of a joke where I believe Lou you like that you feel like you're drinking from Eddie Vetter The tea in your mouth.

Oh, take my hot fluids, taking hot fluids down there. And down to your time to go. I hope you like your coffee with cream and sugar because that's how I drink it. I drink it first and now you drink it. Yeah, DJ Lou put my fluids inside of you. Get my fluids all in you. Oh, man. We had a lot of problems.

We lost a lot of drummers because they wouldn't let me mom a burden coffee to their mouth Oh, you read it. You read it warm up you read it warm up your tongue tongue together Do it McCreedy and I did this on the road the first five years of jam together Will you be my new Jeff a man? Do it drink for me for I'm friends. For you, this is my blood. I am the fountain and you are the recipient. Remember I'm traveling to you.

Also eat my antifatter crackers for this is my body. One of you is betrayed me. One of you is this dinner will betray me. I know I wouldn't be DJ. DJ Lou would never do that. I, I, I remember that old bonfire. That was hitting nervous seeing the bets hat in the audience. That always makes me laugh randomly.

And the guy in the bets hats back. You guys wanted to do something about it. Yeah, no, he's back. I can see him third row. Hey, Mark Jeff. That's the guy, right? Is that the guy? That's the guy.

Fucking knew it. Securitiiiirrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr Oh One of you should go tackle him Yeah, oh jackets There's a little Saturday goes there's two of them We're gonna stop drinking on stage. Just see two Did you and Wilshire go to a project concert dressed exactly the same and be two replaces it once all the time? Freak him out, dude. I don't know.

I don't know if I'm losing it or if this guy's baby's kids and they don't tie that multiply. This guy's omnipresent everywhere I go. He is. I think I might have killed him in my car when I was 18 and I never had told for my sins. It's like he has two places at once. That's impossible.

That's impossible, Eddie. I'm telling you what I saw. I'm telling you what I saw out there. Just get it together better. And I don't tell you man. There's two of them. I'm telling you man, we're in Amsterdam. Why would he be here in Amsterdam too?

We saw him in all three regions of Jersey. Why Amsterdam? After hearing Johnny Depp lost a staggering $650 million in movie earnings, Jay and Dan imagined the difficult calls he had to make to his very unique staff. They were saying like all Johnny Depp does is smoke hash and drink wine and sit in a castle. And he just wants to hang out at night. So they're saying like it's super easy to rip this guy off. Super easy. Yeah, please give me a calmly the stat for the rest of the meeting. Do I? Excuse me. What happened to our chat? Our child is fund. Our child is fund. He's been drained. A challenge for me. It's been drained. I see here an order for 15 purple velvet capes.

That's me. Oh, look, the beads that I want to put on the string. Okay, that was, that's more than I thought. That seems unreasonable. Marriage going on. Yeah. Him looking over his finances with his glasses on going, wait, hold on. I don't buy scarabs in the summer.

Who is buying scabs in this stuff? Who's meticulously going over it? It goes, all right. This amount of money is a lot of from my wacky hat fund. It's my hat grease that I need to bend the bill. I can't have a hat not look like it was pulled off a civil war soldier. I put X-man draws aside for beadwork every month. I got to go with my bead guy. I got a guy. I got a guy in sacriano. That's my. I'm sorry, but we got a part way to turn that up. And people, people, people, people in dipping into the world and put too much in a mockery. Maurice, Maurice, don't be sad.

If these things pick up, you'll be my first phone call. Very turns out some sons of Israel stole my cash. Oh, the every red dude needs a, needs a good, good wacky hat guy. Yeah. I would think that that is, if, if you don't know, you are missing that. If you like thought he had that and got stolen, I'm not, listen, losing $6500,000 is fucking bonkers. I'm saying to solve the book.

If you thought you had it and it's not there, That is way worse than not knowing you should have had it. Dan have fun with all the phone calls. Yes, to make the cut people out of his life because hey, just a leather Smith. Can I speak to Thomas, please? Can I speak to his E.K. He's E.K. listen. Oh, look who it is. I'm not going to be able to use you for why I have to tighten my belt. You know, I mean, and that belt is not going to be leather. So, I wish I could put you on retainer, but I will circle back. I have to tighten my belt, you know what I mean? And that belt is not going to be leather. So for the three

and the consideration. Let me just say, I wish I could put you on retainer, but I will circle back around with you when things pick up. And first he Ronnie resident. It's Johnny Depp.

Remember how I was just putting money in your bank account for being a fun guy? I got to stop that. He's got I got to call Ivan my distressed boot guy. I feel like he would take all my new boots and make him look like old boots, but I'm going to have to cut back, start wearing new boots again. It looks like I'm going to have to do another Cologne commercial if I want to keep my vampire wine line. Well, it's tough times all around for us. I'm sorry, man. You know, it trickles down.

Can I speak to Marcus? Yeah, he was going to sell me an original monster's car, but I don't think I'm going to be able to go through that transaction right now. I put some of the money, put some of the money inside of and even give me back that down payment. I haven't driven it at all. Or anything. Jacob, where are you? It seems like when you make that much money, you always hear that they're getting ripped off that you need to hire an accountant and then a forensic account.

Yeah. Yeah, you better have an account and watch in your account. And just to fucking know, I'm looking up this Johnny Depp article from I got you hang on for one second. I got it. Do you hang off once again? I click over my candle. I forgot guys calling me back.

He goes, Hey, Johnny, Johnny just got a 70 candle piece in. You know, all this thing swings. How cool is this? Oh, hey, evil Steve. Hey, evil Steve, what's up? Listen, I'm off the cut back on candle lobby. It's one, I'm running a room on my walls. And two, money is what I thought it was.

I was scammed for 650. You guys, do you know me, labyrinth you could buy with that? Hello everybody I'm DJ Liu and on Thursday's quarantine law Stapes Jacob brings up the Johnny Depp and Berturd situation one last time and poses a great question would you let a super hot girl make a duty in your bed and then sit there and smell it. You're being funny and you make a duty on my bed. It's over. I love it when he says duty. Here it is. The Amber heard a story about how she made a duty on Johnny Depp's bed.

Mm-hmm. Yeah, yeah. I used it last night. I don't like that at all. I don't think it's bed. Yeah, yeah, I used it last night. I don't like that at all. I don't think it's funny. Look, she said she did it as a practical joke. And I don't find that funny. Look, if you walk into somebody, if to the bathroom following somebody who took a dump, you don't want to, but that's human nature.

I get it and we all use the bathroom. But she didn't even make a submerged duty or even a partially submerged duty. She took like an open air. Yeah, that's a stinks shit. It's gross and I'm just unattracted to that. But Jacob, let me ask you this. If Amber heard prime, said that I will not have sex with you, but you can watch me shit. You wouldn't.

I don't know. I'd like to call a lot of tech or test on that. And in fact, I'm now put this out to any women that are listening who wants to shot at this guy. If you think you're being funny and you make a duty on my bed, it's over. I didn't find it funny and you're telling me, I don't want to be in a relationship. Hey, look, man, you're letting your firm line in the sand. I appreciate that. I would just like to say, do you know what kind of ask control that takes to only leave one little turd

On a bed to piss everyone and not to piss everywhere. That's talent dude I'll come on his town one loaf and cut it I think a lot of people don't pee when they shit because I've heard people that I say that's a hundred percent of the time Happens people have been like no People are They don't know who it is. That's what Black Lewis is assuming in his fantasy. But you might have ripped a couple of logs or head up a two-coiler for all we know. We weren't there.

I don't want to, it's all hearsay at this point. Exactly. I don't want to get tied up in legal shit right now. I don't want to put your red tape around this episode now because we're we're misquoting court records. Electrically. But Jacob, I'm calling Baldr Dash on the idea that you wouldn't watch Amber Heard Shit. And I will tell you this without even asking. I think I went around the horn. I think Dan also. I think Dan, Black Lou, DJ Lou, and

Christine would all agree they would watch Amber Heard Shit. Sign it off, Captain. You're telling me vanilla Dan wants to see that 100% Dan ain't going to be looking at the open butthole. He's going to be looking at the side thigh. He's going to be looking at the but muscle. She's crouched. She's probably putting me and I'll tell you what,

little little inner chocolate Dan is going to be staring right that bum as it fucking as it hiccups turds out. Yeah, I want to watch that like a like a mouth going. Yeah. DJ Lou, dare I even ask of course you would. You'd let her shit on your bed. Yes, I would. He's in DJ Lou goes.

I'd pull it out of her. Yeah. DJ Lou goes, you know, we said, we were the napkin and his collar and forked knife. Just happy to be in my, am I crazy to think that you would watch Amber her shit? I watch which goes less hot than her shit. Yeah.

It's a closed room on a bed. You have to stay in there for 10 minutes. 10 minutes. You should have made a way longer time than that. Is she naked the whole time? And so she cuts the look, if she, after she cuts the log that she's staying position for the whole 10 minutes or she, or she put in her stuff away. What's her stuff away?

Her pussy Jacob. Don't make me say the words every time or it doesn't hit like thunder when I use them. Don't make me talk like that, Jacob. Jacob is she leaving out her bits and pieces for the whole 10 minutes. All right. But in that case, all right. I'll say yes. Oh, well, no, because then what's the point? Of course, you're going to, you want to see that, but, but your prices, but your prices, you are laying down next to a shit. She gets dressed right afterward. Oh, yes. Me, the answer is still yes. I'll take it for just a shit time. And then for the next nine and a half minutes, I'll talk to her about what that was like. That must have been crazy, huh? You just shit in front of me. So weird. Yeah, that's what

you'd see, dude. Besides shit, you're taking a look at that. Although that girl's got fucking powder pussy. What happened? She get electrocuted that's the ball I've ever seen who's that I don't know it's a stunning girl bent over doggie style shits hard poop for us on video I'm not showing it I'm just showing what the view is as a girl is getting ready to shoot on camera I'm was going to take a blames. I didn't ask to bring this up. But Christine, could you just, you don't have to play the video, but can you scroll ahead

to when there is a turn on the ground and show Jacob the exact situation he would be in? I didn't want to get gross. I was just making a point. I don't, we don't need to go down this. No, Jacob, you're right. We were right to do this. Pretty gross. Christine, just get down to log on the floor and see if you'd still be and tell me you wouldn't do this

I don't think it's gonna change the opinion of anybody here dance fucking talking to his penis trying to talk it down right now Jacob now look there's Amber's turds Are you still in I'll say my biggest problem here at the bottom refeeder dirty. And I'll, and I'm pussy in asshole or two ball, they're unnaturally bald. So I don't know if I go in the room for the turd with this particular woman. This is, no, this is the making model you get J. Okay. Do I go in the room knowing this is the end result? Yes, I do. Final answer, final answer. DJ Luke, that I mean a fucking cock sucker. I didn't know the turds were going to be that big. I'm out. Well, you're never going to know if the turds are that big,

depending on what she ate that day. So there's your variable. But if this was the end result of what you walked into, would you be like, that was a bad idea? Or would you be like, ah, what is this? Okay, I'm in. I'm back in. Yes. 10 minutes. I'm not accounting for smell, though, which can be really fucking disgusting. You're talking about something. I know.

I can. You're talking to someone with a lack of a sense of smell. So let's go. By the way, the most impressive thing sometimes with shit videos when I see them is always that, well, just clean breaks, man. Girls have clean breaks. I feel like my whole inner ass crack would be just fucking looks like

Rambo and he was hiding against that tree just covered in mud and a winker. My my my poops collide with the side walls of my butt like the aha video. He's trying to get up a cartoon. We're just trying to get a cartoon. Hope you enjoyed this week's Best of the Bond Fire. You can listen to the show live every Monday through Thursday from 6th APM East on Comedy Central Radio, Series XM 95, or on demand on the Series XM app. Be sure to follow us on all social media at the Bond Fire at SXM. be sure to follow us on all social media at the Bond Fire at SXM.

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